Mar 042008

There are few things my child could do to make me want to disown him. I was willing to turn the other cheek when he flung a forkful of noodles ala ketchup at me in protest. That’s one of my favorite meals, my signature dish. Nothing beats a bowlful of al dente egg noodles drenched in a sauce of congealed and lukewarm ketchup.

It took some time, I won’t lie, but I healed. I moved on. I continue to enjoy ketchup’d noodles alone.

I didn’t think he would find a way to hurt  me more than he did that day. Until this morning. I slaved over slathering the perfect marriage of peanut butter and Marshmallow Fluff onto two slices of bread. I painstakingly cut the sandwich into tiny, bite-sized cubes, perfect for popping while enjoying an A.M. viewing of "Blue’s Clues."

I set the plate down in front of him. He grunted. I pushed it closer and he gave it some consideration. Then he grunted again and pushed the plate back at me. I tried to sneak a tiny morsel past his lips, in between chews of Goldfish. He crinkled his nose and his lips transformed into an iron barrier against unwanted edibles.

My asshole son doesn’t like Fluffernutters. I’ve been stabbed in the heart. Stabbed with a forkful of Fluffernutter hateration. How could he betray me like this? I’m running out of meal options for him, things that I’m capable of preparing and/or assembling, and if he keeps turning his nose up at my creations he’s going to be subsisting on crackers and Pringles every day until Henry comes home.

Maybe I can eventually get over this latest rejection. But if he doesn’t learn how to dance like the Jabbawockeez, I’m returning him to the hospital. Maybe I can exchange him for Lasik or get a voucher for an organ transplant. Or maybe they can just give me an organ if I’m in no immediate need of transplantation, to fashionably display outside of my body. "What? Is it my kidney brooch you’re admiring?"


  4 Responses to “Chooch For Sale”

  1. “Y’all crazy, I love y’all magination.”

    How would I ever know of the Jabbawockeez if not for you?

    Isn’t it sad that there are so many talented people in the world who will never make a living from their talents?

    I bet Chooch will like fluffernutters someday. Just give him time.

    • It IS sad. Today, I noticed that they’re in a new Missy Elliott video, and I was excited, but who knows how far that will get them. It must be so frustrating being a dancer.

      Chooch ate a peanut butter and orange marmalade sandwich over the weekend, so maybe he just needs eased into the world of marshmallow fluff. HOPEFULLY!

  2. i kind of think he just likes messing with you…
    i would not put it past him.

    LOL at the image of your kidney broach!

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