tweets: looking for a cheap time share

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

• 14:38 Immediately he has no less than 3 large sticks every time we come to the cem. yfrog.com/1dvlvkj #
• 18:59 Walked in on Chooch wearing my strawberry kneehighs & polkadot shoes, & otherwise completely nude. #
• 19:01 @vagynafondue #failedtwitternames
• 23:56 I wish my job was cheese. #
• ***
• 12:48 Amid all the Lets Go Flyers chants and the sea of orange, Alisha asks, “Where are the Pens playing?” #
• 15:01 #Pens!!!!! Fuck the Cryers!! #
• 15:06 That is a true Testament to Johnson’s worth to the #pens. Excellent game!! #
• 20:09 Someone with the same name as me found my blog & I think accused me of writing about their life. Fuck, the jig is up, I guess. #
• ***
• 00:21 Alisha said the paintball Bud Light commercial reminds her of me & I can see that. Makes me want to play paintball… & fly a helicopter. #
• 13:05 Today I learned the difference between a true NHL fan & a #Pens fan is that one knows Crosby is overrated. Orly? Thx 4 the knowledge. #
• 15:26 I got my first paycheck today which makes me think that maybe this job really isn’t a scam! #
• 19:07 Proceeding with my #pens game-watching ritual: pouring a big motherwhomping glass of The Wine. Let’s go Pens! Make mama into a happy drunk! #
• 21:17 There are a bunch of JACKED OFF people at Madison Square Garden right now. Go #pens! #
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• 11:17 I’m not sure how to react at being called a hootchie by a three year old. #
• 15:53 I feel like the only way Im getting into Heaven is if I’m hired as God’s personal ass wiper. #
• 20:29 I just heard Chooch congratulate Henry for not peeing on the floor. #
• 21:10 It never fails that as soon as i sit down to work, it’s all WIPE MY BUTT MOMMY! Or intense crying from a phantom injury. Spectacular! #
• 22:33 Oh shit, I swore Henry had the Miami Vice theme as his ringtone for me, but it turned out to be some lame calypso-flava’d midi. #
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• 00:55 OMG Henry just called my stuff STUPID. #
• 01:11 Lookit, it’s Marcy! I was just told to go to bed because I’m too FUN for Henry to compute (see also: manic) yfrog.com/35f7zbj #
• 09:34 Little boys must attend lectures in the womb on how to evade baths. Chooch, once captured, acts like he’s being dunked into a vat of acid. #
• 11:04 I’ll be out back practicing some new laughs & warming my hands over a pile of burning bod—-….garbage, if anyone needs me. #
• 14:33 Usually when I write in my blog, I hear myself in my head speaking it aloud, typically in Dutch and/or cartoon accents. #
• 15:45 Oh to be rich and have a nanny. I thought that’s what Henry was, but I was wrong I guess. #
• 15:46 Maybe when I finally get my one-person cottage in the Black Forest, this work at home thing will be more doable. #
• 19:38 Chooch saw me hug Henry & yelled, “Why you hugging him? I thought you hate him!” I LOLd all over town. #
• 21:10 WHAT. It’s 9:00 and I haven’t had any wine yet? #
• 22:15 Eye Alaska is on The Real World. WTF. #
• 22:30 I think I was just likened to an obnoxious, vulgar teenaged boy. That’s better than most impressions. #
• 22:49 This season doesn’t hold my attention. I’ve been whiddling cleft palates out of string cheese this whole time. #
• 22:51 Also, I might be the only person who doesn’t know, nor care, what the fuck is an iPad. But I know spe llcheck wants it to be uPas. #
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• 00:51 Hay look @ the dumb! Wendy 1999: Really, no one flinched when I told them I was going on a date with a lesbian. Su… bit.ly/9j0llG #
• 09:02 If it weren’t for the squeaking of shoes on the court making me want to kill a small village, I’d probably love basketball. #
• 10:47 Tried telling Chooch that we don’t get along anymore because he won’t cuddle with me. He punched me in the face. Guess he disagrees. #
• 11:08 WTF is with today & backhanded compliments? It’s like the universe knows when I’m feeling too positive and sics the negative pricks on me. #
• 11:17 Again, I would like to express my extreme jealousy of those who have parents on which to dump their children. #
• 12:55 Google search term that found my blog: “my busty mom came nude to my friends and” AND WHAT?? I need to know. #
• 15:04 Welp. Chooch finally discovered the joy of petting pets. Can’t believe it took this long. yfrog.com/3l52401091j #
• 15:46 That last tweet should have said “painting” pets. Mama needs a nice nap. Preferrably on a beach. #
• 19:22 Would be nice to see the #pens spoil the #sens winning streak. And then maybe Henry can guest blog about it! #
• 19:28 We need the number to Nanny 911. Though I suppose regular old 911 might be appropos by the time this night is over. #
• 19:29 Unless my neighbors dial it first. #
• 23:00 I can’t look at Jamie Lee Curtis without thinking about how perfect her shits must be. #
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• 00:20 I’m so glad Mia Caruthers is back on my TV. Maybe when I’m a grownup, I’ll trade in MTV for CNN. Or Oxygen. Haha, no I won’t even… #
• 00:38 There aren’t enough pictures of my tits on the Internet. #
• 08:53 Chooch and I are thoroughly spoiled by @mrsevils! And we thank her for it! (As Chooch devours an entire box of Hobo bubblegum cigarettes.) #
• 08:59 Zombie hand ring by @mrsevils! yfrog.com/4im66ekj #
• 09:04 Chooch won’t let me take a picture of him with a bubblegum cigarette because “people will be so pissed.” (And yes, that’s his breakfast.) #
• 10:00 I know #etsy must really be my full time job when I start stressing every time I get a convo. #
• 10:31 Chooch asked for pancakes. I told him he’ll be sorry. #
• 10:39 God I’m good. Just smashed down on one and batter splooged out. yfrog.com/3n3jjwj #
• 10:46 I’m trying to d esmoke the kitchen while Chooch bitches “these aren’t pancakes.” #
• 10:57 I found the will to make edible pancakes and he accidentally dropped them on the floor. I wasn’t meant to be a mom, everyone was right. #
• 11:14 Pancakes: banned from my house. The mere WORD “pancakes” will come in tandem w/ a fine for anyone who even dares to utter the 2 syllables #
• 12:19 Afterlife Love 6×6 repurposed tile by somnambulant on Etsy bit.ly/9Ish8g #
• 16:16 I don’t know if I should wave the white flag or hang myself with it. #
• 17:41 You’d have thought it was the constable, had you heard the urgent knocking on my front door just now. #
• 21:19 Valentine Ghosts 4×4 wooden block painting by somnambulant on Etsy bit.ly/b03ShD #
• 21:32 Henry telling me he was like Chooch when he was that age is NOT reassuring. #
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• 10:17 I was telling Henry what I considered funny high school memories but he frowned and shook his head sadly. #
• 10:48 I just scored tickets to the #pens game for Monday. Trying to remain calm. #
• 12:21 Alisha is making me sit w/ her at H&R Block while she gets her taxes done. Riveting. Totally went to HS w/ her “tax specialist.” Awesome. #
• 12:22 I can’t believe Alisha isn’t claiming me as a dependent. #
• 12:57 Hay look @ the dumb! That’s How You’d Knock a Block Off, I Imagine: With Henry and Chooch off at the store, I thou… bit.ly/dqFgpf #
• 13:07 Right on the nose. #

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