Dec 292018
 

Let’s take a break from Christmas-related recaps and talk about some shit that’s been happening around here lately.

  1. NEW NEIGHBORS

Remember how several months ago I was stoked because that jackass guy who always was working on his broke-down cars in the driveway finally moved out and took his junkyard with him? Well he’s been replaced by some old broad and her young adult son who DRIVES A DUMPTRUCK AND PARKS IT IN THE DRIVEWAY. Now, we don’t have to deal with these n00bs other than when we’re being annoyed by that monstrosity in the driveway, but Hot Naybor Chris shares a wall with them and told us that they’re loud and constantly fighting with each other. I heard the son screaming at someone outside last week and it was actually chilling. He seems mostly like a derelict but who knows if he’s dangerous. I don’t trust anyone!

Haley started to leave a note on his dumptruck recently but Blake made her take it off because he seems like maybe he could be a loose cannon—he apparently came out of his house and started yelling at some of Blake’s friends who were walking down the sidewalk, so that’s great. I’m dying to start a fight with him.

Henry walked outside earlier today and Hot Naybor Chris’s wife actually WAS fighting with him over the whole dumptruck thing and Henry said she yelled that if he parks it there again she’s going to break the windows with a rock. Lol, #TeamHNCWife

Oh, also, HIS ASSCRACK IS ALWAYS SHOWING!

In other neighbor-related news, did I tell you about the time several weeks ago when I was walking to the trolley and Chooch’s “friend” Rob, a middle-aged man who has lived on this block even longer than me and is notorious for public drunkeness, was walking down his sidewalk to his truck which was parked on the street.  Drunk Rob stopped me and slurred “hey check out my cat” and for a moment I thought this was a ploy to shove me in his pickup truck and show me his weener but his cat really was sitting on the sidewalk. Whew.

2. BABYSITTERS CLUB

We’ve been babysitting Calvin off and on since yesterday and it’s been fun but good goddamn I forgot how exhausting small children are! I only have so many funny voices and dance moves, you know?

We took him to Eat n Park last night for dinner and it was the first time we took him out in public without his parents so before we went inside, I pleaded with him to not embarrass us and he listened to me! He was super good the whole time and actually ate the food we cut into elf-approved pieces  without hurling it across the restaurant!

(I tried to slip him a black olive but that was a big NOPE.)

When the waitress came to take our orders, we acted SO FUCKING SUSPICIOUS like we were kidnappers.

“What should we order for him?” we whispered to each other. “Does he like mac ‘n cheese?” we wondered out loud. I think a normal waitress would have maybe signaled for an amber alert, because we were acting like we had no idea how to care for a toddler so clearly he was abducted. But this was Eat n Park and those broads don’t pay attention to your empty coffee cup, let alone suspicious behavior.

I definitely think Calvin likes me better than Henry though. He’s been paying more attention to me recently so now I’m obsessed with hanging out with him and making sure that he stays liking me more than Henry.

That’s my end game for everything.

Earlier today, it took all three of us to change his clothes.

3. OH YOU WAIT UNTIL MOM FINDS OUT, BUDDY

I bought Chooch this shirt for Christmas because we love The Lost Boys and that’s one of my favorite parts of the movie and we all know I give presents selfishly. Another shirt for us to share!

4. In Case You Were Wondering, I’m Still Talking About My Tooth Tragedy

I was closing out all the tabs on my phone and it was all “how much do root canals cost” “I lost a filling” “does my tooth need pulled” “if you swallow a filling can you die” “do tooth implants hurt.” Henry rolled his eyes out of his head when I told him so now my tabs are full of eye stuff.

My fixed tooth is now super sensitive to cold and it hurts when I chew hard food on that side so now I’m panicking THAT I AM NOT FIXED (or am I just FIXATING) but at least I don’t have a shell back there anymore?

5. My New Fetish

So, I used to be into watching Korean idols eating (don’t judge me) but then the other day, I, um, accidentally watched a video compilation of Jinu from Winner drinking so I guess that’s my new kink?!

Well, in other news, my only plan for this weekend is to hunker down and crank out some new card designs for Valentine’s Day — I’m almost done with a 16-card set of The Cure designs! They are so fucking cringey.

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