Tweets: Losing Jobs, Watching Hockey

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

• 14:37 Could probably pass as a member of Rise Against. brizzly.com/pic/1SOS #
• 14:42 Henry & Chooch are across the playground, leaving me alone to look like a pedo-creeper in ridiculously large shades & bloody hair flower. #
• 15:09 Babies are essentially mutes until they become unmuted & join the human race. If you have any more questions, come to my symposium. #
• 15:20 I’m still at Brookline Park if anyone feels like getting on their horse to rescue me. #
• 15:27 There is the biggest ho of an 11yo here. (Had to ask expert child-ogler Henry her age.) Bet she got pregnant yesterday. #
• 16:31 At Bado’s for dinner, hoping Chooch doesn’t act bad-o. OH! brizzly.com/pic/1SQ8 #
• 17:08 Me, after refusing to eat my salad: Im a salad snob; I can’t help it. Henry: Youre just a snob in general. #
• 17:58 Designing a product label for Chooch. “Instant Asshole, just add sugar.” #
• ***
• 00:10 Bitch and cry on Facebook and Twitter, everyone, THAT’LL SHOW THE GOV’T!! #
• 00:21 Your beef may be with Obama, but MINE is still with “God” for only “creating” 2 genders. I want at least a third option. #
• 00:32 My mom tried to pull a While You Were Out on me once. I’ve been waiting 7 years for her to finish it. #
• 10:26 Monday’s like the wad of cum left to wipe up after Saturday & Sunday have sex. #
• 10:27 I’m going to start my own fortune company. Chinese dinners are about to get vagynafondued. #
• 11:49 It’s not a successful ab workout wi thout some puke involved. #
• 13:02 Everytime cancer touches someone I know I want to sucker punch my ex-bff for saying she wished she’d get cancer & die. Boo hoo, emo bitch. #
• 13:06 Somehow Kevin Smith brought up abortions on @nhllive. Almost makes me like him. Then he started his fat rant & I’m back to being annoyed. #
• 17:25 I sit in the car until the very last possible second. I’ll be damned if this company gets free work from me. #
• 17:53 Current job status: about to be unemployed again this week. Henry’s gonna have a fun time doing my taxes next year. #
• 19:35 Suck a cock, #redwings fans. #
• 20:31 My boss brought in frownies for our last night. :(. brizzly.com/pic/1T40 #
• 23:24 I’m glad I had the foresight to buy myself presents while still gainfully employed. #
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• 01:31 It’s almost time to dust off #thingieball! I wish THAT could be my job. #
• 11:30 I hate Peeps. I hate Italian ice. I think maybe that means I might probably hate Peeps-flavored Italian ice. Won’t be testing this theory. #
• 11:59 The worst part of Steve Irwin dying is his asshole daughter being handed fame on a platter. Bindi Irwin: Australia’s Miley Cyrus. #
• 16:42 I wish more musicians were as genuine as @craigeryowens. #
• 20:10 My salad tastes like a haunted house. Mmm, fog machines, chainsaw fumes & the stench of scared teen girls. #
• 20:29 I like watching Celebrity Apprentice because it makes me feel less inferior as a person. But I can get that from watching Henry, too. #
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• 00:56 Hay laundry boy @awoodhick: way to not wash the pink blanket again. You are always letting me down!!! #
• 09:02 I’m really kicking myself for not joining the Milledgeville police force back when I got that invitation 2 yrs ago. #
• 09:08 Who wants to dye eggie-eggs with me this weekend? #
• 09:43 Three years ago, my first ever tweet informed my 0 followers that I had just changed my tampon. Life was simpler then. #
• 09:58 2 yrs ago I had a heckle-filled post abt a Cleveland roller derby team. My blog stats show it being viewed a lot today by Clevelanders. WHY? #
• 10:03 Oh OK, I see now. Someone on their team found it, posted it on Facebook, & it’s spreading like wildfire. Preparing to get jumped now, thx. #
• 10:13 Practicing roundhouses on my child. I mean, flour sacks. Practicing on flour sacks. #
• 12:38 Ask me anything formspring.me/ohhonestlyerin #
• 13:50 I really pissed off the wrong people this time!!! Make sure lots of Cure is played at my funeral, will ya? #
• 15:29 I was just interviewed by a burgundy-haired Tea Leoni. She made me feel comforted. #
• 15:34 Henry, regarding my present fear of an ass beating: “it’s not your ‘stupid blog,’ it’s YOU.” #
• 18:33 Well. At least having no job means I can watch the #penscaps game tonight. #
• 19:42 God, these #penscaps games raise my blood pressure. One period played & my throat is already raw from screaming like an asshole. #
• 20:26 That was like watching a How To Score a Goal 101 video, thanks Guerin! #letsgopens #
• 21:23 Oh thank you, Staal! These games make me feel like I’m waiting for the dentist to start the root canal. #letsgopens #NHL #
• 21:36 Oh my heart. It’s like the #pens are my sons & I’m watching them ride their bikes w/o training wheels for the 1st time. #nhl #
• ***
• 09:40 I might have a job with Pittsburgh’s largest law firm. Can’t wait to meet a rich I mean nice lawyer & kick Henry t o the curb. #
• 13:34 I like Life Unexpected but I HATE the theme song. & Lux. I hate every scene w/ Lux. I’d send her whiny ass back to the orphanage. #
• 13:57 Fou nd in an old journal, 3-8-03: I can’t wait to be Henry’s wife. I hope it happens soon! (AHAHAHAHAHAHAH how naive of me) #
• 14:17 Chooch thinks a grilled cheese is a cheese sandwich that’s melted in the microwave. I may have had something to do with that. #
• 17:44 I wish my job was sitting in an arm chair on a stage, reading from my journal collection. Henry said “don’t u pretty much do that already?” #
• 21:41 Got the car stuck in mud. I’ll never hear the end of this one. #
• 21:51 That was fun, watching Henry blow blood vessels in his head as he pushed the car while I floored it. He keeps saying YOURE LUCKY. #
• 21:53 He just spilled Chooch’s chocolate milk. Thursday night vs Henry is turning out to be an exciting match-up. #
• 22:33 Previews for the girl-girl storyline on 90210 made Henry smirk, then frown. HENRY HATES GAYS. #
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• 12:16 I have never been this nervous for an interview. Just drank some regurgitated veggie sausage juice. #
• 14:04 Pretty sure all I wanted for my 4th bday was crayons, maybe my mother’s love. Chooch? He wants a laptop & an iPhone. #
• 14:16 Friends, don’t seek reassurance from my son. Just asked him if he thinks the ppl at law firm will like me. “No. They won’t.” No hesitation! #
• 15:53 Um. I couldn’t even figure out how to open the door to the office. Great start!!!!! #
• 16:38 That might have been the best interview ever. They have a table full of candy in pretty bowls. And not the dumb kind of candy, either! #
• 17:49 I’m about to start calling up successful people I grew up with & saying, “Remember when you sunk my battleship in ’86? Yeah? Gimme a job.” #
• 17:51 Yelled at Chooch for leaving a stinky fart after which he had the audacity to tell me, “Oh well. Then go outside or sumpin’.” #
• 19:19 Watching Chooch count blocks, I reminded him that he always forgets 7. “Yeah,” he said, “because I don’t NEED seven.” Schooled as usual. #
• 19:43 Randomly flashbacked to when I got the staples removed from my C-section incision &, even after 4 years, almost passed out. #
• 21:53 Walmart’s loss prevention: reuniting Henry with his son Blake. Touching, like a Folgers commercial. #
• 21:59 Well like I always say: if you’re gonna get caught stealing, it better have been something worthwhile. Like K-Y. #
• ***
• 11:25 Jackie Warner just made me puke up my Special K. Losing weight is easy! #
• 13:19 I’m always half-expecting to walk into Chooch’s room and catch him with our cat Nicotina, mid-evisceration. #
• 13:25 I miss Rob Scuderi. #pens #NHL #
• 13:44 Thank you, Kunitz. My neighbors thank you too. They love hearing my big fucking mouth. #pens #
• 14:15 Pratfall by Hartnell, followed by a Dupuis goal – I lov e when we play the Flyers! #letsgopens #

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