Tweets, soon to be sent from under the bridge

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

• 15:26 Thanks, Fartsmell!! #Pens up 4-1! #
• 16:19 OMG I HATE LOWE’S. #
• 16:31 Alisha had keys made for me. We are SO OFFICIAL now! brizzly.com/pic/1V3U #
• 16:46 Grocery shopping is weird. I don’t know how you people do it. #
• 16:49 Although, there is some jazzy flute-centric song on the soundsystem now that I can REALLY get behind. Alisha ha-ha-hates it. #
• 17:03 Britney Spear has peed barefoot in bathrooms cleaner than the one I just used in Long John Silvers. I’m sure of it. #
• 17:38 If I wasn’t always being RUSHED by Alisha, my last tweet would not have singularized Britney’s last name. Sorry Britbrit. #
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• 00:28 I’ll write a book about my tour of public restrooms, and you’ll buy it. Great, thanks! #
• 01:33 I wonder if I ever killed someone. My cat is soft. #
• 12:00 This is what Hell looks like for Marcy. brizzly.com/pic/1VET #
• 13:20 My mom bought Henry a Bullet Express. He’s ripping the plastic bags off all the pieces like it’s Xmas morn. Oh, Henry. Our lil’ cooker. #
• 17:40 I have a great idea! Let’s not lose to the #Leafs. Again. #letsgopens #
• 17:44 Henry saw a man get tackled at the grocery store for stealing meat. I want him to guest blog about it and he won’ttttttt. #
• 17:57 I didn’t just tweet this. I’m not exactly sure what you’re talking about. brizzly.com/pic/1VJ2 #
• 18:43 If Henry having a food processor means I get to have stu ffed mushrooms for dinner, I’ll stop making fun of him. #
• 19:26 LET’S GO PENS! #
• 20:44 Feels weird cheering for the #Flyers. Probably peeing on a ginger baby will make me right with the world again. #
• 20:49 Chooch: “Daddy, tell us a story about when u were a little bitch.” Yes Henry, tell us. Shouldn’t be hard to remember, was just 5 min ago. #
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• 13:03 Stanley Cup commercials on #NHL Network are making me cry. “What if Mario wasn’t so super?” LOSING IT. #
• 13:33 I think there’s something wrong with my cat Don and to say I’m freaking out might be an understatement. #
• 15:02 Chooch drew a picture of a baby. It was dead on the road. Good job…? #
• 15:51 Henry loves it when we’re in the car and I replay the same song over & over. I’m not annoying. It’s all charm. #
• 16:04 In the mall parking lot, Henry drove the wrong direction. Mall security came flying out of nowhere. Henry got away with it this time. #
• 16:17 Guess who’s not paying $25 for some incompetent 16yo to take a shitty pic of her son in the lap of an Easter furry? #
• 16:52 I’ve just been Vikingnized at McDonalds by some little girl. I think she just adopted me. #
• 17:07 Hay Chooch: hand sanitizer’s effect is negated when hands are immediately wiped under a Mcdonald’s table. #
• 17:37 Blatantly acquired a new boyfriend right in front of Henrys moustache. #
• 19:22 Spent an entire 20 minutes looking for a new place to live and am already discouraged. So very discouraged. #
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• 00:37 Henry’s never punched a mirror. What the fuck kind of pussy have I been dating for the past 9 yrs? Good that I’m finding this out now. #
• 10:25 My favorite part of the day is when Chooch & I sit quietly drawing zombies. The other 16 hrs of the day are too noisy, hurts my patience. #
• 14:36 In my head I pretend Henry & I are Pittsburgh’s Kirstin & Sandy Cohen. Henry’s got the brows, I got the perpetual wine glass in hand. #
• 14:58 I asked Chooch what he wanted to listen to & he said Piece of Veal. I went ahead and assumed he meant Pierce the Veil. #
• 16:09 Chooch told me to get a life. NEWSFLASH, SON: You’re the reason I don’t have one!!! #
• 17:17 Dear @saucalisha, thank you for keeping Bonzi’s harness on for me. You are so thoughtful! Accidentally had a baby in yr tub, though. Sorry! #
• 17:30 There’s some decent looking dads here at the playground. I’m looking to upgrade. Ignor e the big doof in the Faygo shirt next to me, guys. #
• 23:11 When does this Progressive spokesbitch’s contract expire? Tired of her red-lipped feigned quirkiness. About to expire her myself. #
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• 00:33 What kind of father won’t tell my Zombie Farm zombies that he loves them? The Henry kind. #
• 09:46 Imagined being on The Real World & Henry coming to visit, baking cupcakes for all the roommates & frowning at childish antics. #
• 10:26 Sorry Ohio. I don’t answer calls from your state. #
• 14:23 CALL IT LUST AND LET ME GO; AND I HATE YOUR BREATHING. #
• 14:46 “Chooch, where did you learn your numbers and letters?” “Why teacher, in the cemetery, of course!” #
• 15:00 Playing zombies. brizzly.com/pic/1WSR #
• 15:34 Chooch mistook his leg for a tree, pissed all over it. Newsflash: dead leaves don’t work well for urine absorption. Let’s go camping! #
• 15:59 Henry is now trying to teach me the ins and outs of peeing outside with a penis. #
• 19:28 I’ve had an 8-year craving for chocolate chip pancakes. Tonite, Henry makes them. Sadly, one of Sally Struthers’ “kids” has to die now. #
• 20:06 Anyone but Stamkos. Motherfuck, #Pens! #
• 20:45 “‘Something awesome’ happened to me?” Henry repeated. “You act like I won the lottery; I saw a fat guy get tackled.” #
• 21:40 Newsflash Henry: real #Pens fans don’t fall asleep during games, not even when we’re on the verge of being shut out. POSER. #
• 22:43 I might have legit nightmares of that hockey game. Oh, #Pens. #
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• 00:17 Fucking Real World finale chokes me every time. Still an avid Ashley hater tho. I hope she does the Challenges & gets puked on by Tonya. #
• 01:30 Zombies sleep sitting up, ankles crossed. Everyone knows that. brizzly.com/pic/1WZC #
• 10 :43 Henry told me he loves me. Then I looked at the date #
• 11:54 Chooch, glancing at the TV: “Oh, ‘Sixteen and Pregnant’. Awesome.” #
• 13:03 I GOT THE JOB EXCUSE ME WHILE I GO OUTSIDE AND SCREAM. #
• 13:03 Now I just need to find a place to live. #
• 17:18 One puddle in the whole park & Chooch fell in it. Only boy in the world who hates being muddy. #
• 18:07 I’m sorry Henry, but the correct response to me saying “I wish I was on a sports team of some sort” is not a hearty snort. #
• 18:40 Me: We haven’t watched any good mumblecore lately. Henry: Thats because there isn’t any. :( #
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• 01:19 Luongo needs a hug. #NHL #
• 11:33 Chooch built a helicopter. He follows directions way better than I ever did (do). brizzly.com/pic/1XIZ #
• 11:41 Watching Lost Boys, per Chooch’s request. Doesn’t fe el the same now. :( #
• 12:28 Got a box of sweet-smelling body stuff today from @hausofgloi! & by body stuff, I mean lotions etc, not candy-coated kidneys. (This time.) #

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