Apr 172010
 

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

  • 15:35 It’s not often I slide a piece of pie across the table for someone else to eat, after one bite. Fuck you, Ree’s Family Restaurant. #
  • 16:56 Sometimes? HENRY HOLDS MY HAND. brizzly.com/pic/20Z4 #
  • 17:27 Hay! If you’re having a super great day & want to make it terrible, just take it to Henry. He’ll shit all over it for you. No more smiles! #
  • 18:42 Chooch: What’s a mullet? [Listens to my explanation] I want it. %^^%@&$@!!??&@ #
  • 19:13 Hopefully Sidney Crosby gets a hat trick tonight, else the Jehovahs Witnes I slaughtered for the spell was all in vain. #pens #
  • 20:10 I love you, Matt Cooke!! #NHL #pens #
  • 20:24 Godard/Boulton fight was fucking stellar, I cheered so loud. I LOVE HOCKEY. #NHL #pens. #
  • 21:36 Are we honestly going to get shut out by the fucking Thr ashers? #
  • 22:15 Wrote this on the wall at Henry’s job. Can’t stop laughing. Nightcap of easy amusement? Don’t mind if I do. brizzly.com/pic/212D #
  • 22:20 I tell Chooch to run; Henry tells him to walk. We are parentally in sync, obviously. #
  • ***
  • 10:48 I’ve been trying to get Henry to like Circa Survive for 4 years now. I’m starting to think he’s purposely being contrary. Bastard. #
  • 11:45 I don’t know why exactly I’m so upset that Dixie Carter bit it. #
  • 12:39 The sad thing is, I might actually like some of Justin Bieber’s songs if they were sung by someone legit. Like Tiny Tim. #
  • 12:48 Just caught Chooch lip-synching to Adam Lambert. Upon realizing he was caught, Chooch spat, “He’s a bitch.” Way to play it off, son. #
  • 14:37 Am deeply saddened that I don’t have any Bone Thugs n Harmony in the car to listen to while Henry is grocery shopping. Mo’ murda f’realz. #
  • 15:06 Evans City Cemetery & a Joke of a Pie bit.ly/dBFAAE #
  • 16:51 Springtime means scrolling past a plethora of ubiquitous floral shots on flickr. If I’ve seen one flower, I’ve seen ’em all. #
  • 17:19 Hi! I can’t wait for Henry to get his own hockey team so he can stop coaching the Penguins from the couch. #NHL #
  • 17:25 Godard of all players scores! Everyone’s gonna score tonight but Crosby, watch. COME ON, SID!! #pens #NHL #
  • 17:43 SIDNEY CROSBY GETS 50TH GOAL FOR REALZ THIS TIME!!!! I’M PROUD LIKE HIS MOMMY! #NHL #pens #
  • 18:59 Today rules! Sidney Crosby bests Ovechkin in goals scored and my boyfriend Phil Mickelson wins the Masters! #NHL #golfthings #
  • 19:55 That was one of the most exciting hockey games I’ve seen all season. #pens #isles #
  • 20:09 I hope Ovechkin is SICK right now. #
  • 22:04 I don’t hate nature, Henry. Just the Amazon. Alaska. Oceans. Ocean floors. Glaciers. Rivers. Ice on rivers. Mud. #
  • 22:06 I also really REALLY hate outer space. Like, so much it makes my stomach hurt and I feel dizzy. Stop telling me shit about it, NASA! #
  • ***
  • 09:13 When the Senators lose to the #Pens in the 1st round of the playoffs, will Carrie Underwood write some shitty country song about it? #NHL #
  • 09:42 Damn you, now I’m crying too! RT @skyspun: This commercial made me cry. It’s just really moving to me… bit.ly/dx1zXr #
  • 11:19 I’m so glad Brothers & Sisters was 2 hours long last night because I really needed to cry twice as much. #
  • 15:31 Do not even get me started on Ben Roethlisberger. But if you wanna bring his jock over here, I have many pairs of sharp-heeled shoes. #
  • 20:05 Would suck a dick, maybe even yours, for a date milkshake right now. #
  • ***
  • 14:34 Not with it today. #
  • 14:49 I have heart palpitations all day long, courtesy of my child. The 5 hours I spend each nite at work is my only stress-free time. FUNNY. #
  • 15:55 Oh good, because I haven’t had a cop story to tell in awhile. #
  • 18:10 Welp. My finger’s still broken. Not to be confused with my donger, which is what i typed 3x previously. #
  • 18:39 Put Chooch in the corner where he belongs. brizzly.com/pic/2267 #
  • 21:26 Henry’s making me a date shake, about fucking time. I’ve only wanted one since YESTERDAY, goddamn him. #
  • 21:39 Hello Henry!! I can’t hear my shows over the blender!! Jesus, learn some courtesy. #
  • ***
  • 10:23 Today’s Obvious Statement: Cops Are Dicks // www.ohhonestlyerin.com/archives/4645 #
  • 10:40 I had a dream that Henry & I were at some store that was going out of business & he bought me some hockey DVDs; I was so happy I cried. #
  • 10:47 Chooch is one more asshole-move away from not having a birthday party. We need Janna, the Chooch Whisperer. #
  • 12:02 To say I’m excited for the start of the #StanleyCup playoffs tonight is like saying whores enjoy fucking. #
  • 12:58 Henry and I are fighting because I said I’d rather eat a human than an animal. Clearly he’ll have to be my first. #
  • 13:20 Our waitress at IHOP is super hardcore knowledable about the pancakes here. I bet she has IHOP Lyfer tattooed on her breast. #
  • 13:21 Ive never been more afraid of ordering incorrectly. Or forgetting that her name is Nicole, which she’s reminded us 12x already. #
  • 13:45 Chooch wants the waitress’s brains. brizzly.com/pic/22IB #
  • 14:04 Chooch just asked if he could take the IHOP knife home. #
  • 15:20 Another Reason Henry & I Differ // bit.ly/9FuAiK #
  • 18:29 Ruffles make me feel regal. brizzly.com/pic/22M3 #
  • 19:20 MALKINNNNN!!!! #letsgopens #stanleycup #
  • 19:52 Fuck that period. #pens #StanleyCup #
  • 22:25 My first collaboration with Chooch! // Zombie note card set by noncomposcards on Etsy bit.ly/dlQgIj #
  • 23:46 So far, on Fresh Meat II, I have my hate gun pointed at Laurel. Not only is she an Amazon cunt, but I bet she’s a Red Wings fan too. #
  • ***
  • 10:02 There’s an unseen bird of some sort living on the neighbor’s roof. I think it’s an owl; Henry says dove. Now he wants to call Bindi Irwin. #
  • 12:41 Jesus Christ will always look like him, RIP Peter Steele. :( bit.ly/9UXmRq #
  • 13:24 Dropped off a bunch of art at Wildcard today; wish I could have dropped off Chooch, too. Fuck motherhood. #
  • 13:52 Is Blake Lively as dead-behind-the-eyes in her other roles as she is as Serena on Gossip Girl? When she says “I love you,” I don’t buy it! #
  • 18:11 One of the analysts noticed my pics of Chooch & stopped to have a lengthy photography chat. Made my day. #
  • 18:16 I like it when people recognize that I don’t always suck. Except when I’m sucking. Don’t stand too close, else you catch my profoundness. #
  • 18:20 Would be fantastic if the #Habs took out the #Caps in the 1st round…that’s replacing my usual fantasy of eating grilled cheeses w/ Alf. #
  • 18:42 Poop & Worms, & How They Apply To Henry // www.ohhonestlyerin.com/archives/4653 #
  • 21:18 #Habs just had an impressive penalty kill, made me proud. Probably raised Boudreau’s blood pressure a lil’. #StanleyCup #
  • 21:59 Hey quick! Someone divorce me and win custody of my kid. #
  • 22:11 #HABS WIN IN OT! Ooooh, you just know Ovie’s caveman blood is boiling right now. #
  • ***
  • 00:25 While I appreciate Versus airing the Stanley Cup playoffs, I always have a hard time hearing the announcers on this channel. Cry for me. #
  • 10:52 The new Circa Survive is…goosebumps galore.They always knows how to get under my skin in all the best possible ways. I can’t even… #
  • 12:24 Chooch is #
  • 12:25 ….posting my tweets before Im done typing them, apparently. #
  • 12:29 Chooch just noticed the UPS truck outside & screame d “Maybe Andrea (@mrsevils) got me more toys!” She’s created a monster! #
  • 12:57 Awesome! 1950’s Housewife is outside gardening in her peddle-pushers and reminding me that I’m not worthy of my vagina. Fucking bitch. #
  • 18:08 If Henry was any kind of man, there’d be sushi waiting for me after work tonight. #
  • 19:13 Maybe I shouldn’t listen to this game. #letsgopens? #
  • 21:13 That’s the second time tonight I’ve thanked your god for Sidney Crosby. #Pens # StanleyCup #
  • 21:25 Fuck all the Sidney Crosby haters. The dirty work he did for Letang to get that goal made my head spin. #LETSGOPENS!!!!! #
  • 21:32 And that was NOT the last game played in the Igloo!!!! #pens #Stan leyCup #
  • 23:22 Watching Cory Clouston admit that Crosby was the best player on the ice tonight was just the cherry on top of a sweet win. #StanleyCup #
  • 23:44 I just scooped caviar with a Pringle out of the gutted cavity of a dead monk. No I didn’t. It was Melba toast. Sorry for fibbing. #
  • ***
  • 08:58 I don’t think I could have a baby with someone who wears Avenged Sevenfold shirts. #
  • 13:05 Housecleaning is for pussies bit.ly/bpQt2M #
  • 13:25 My god, housecleaning turns Henry into a bleeding vag. Meanwhile, I cleaned for 5 min. Taki ng my 60 min break now. #
  • 13:28 Henry has some nerve, vacuuming while I’m trying to watch TV. He just moved the couch with me sitting on it. I guess we’re in the way. #

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