Oct 282019
 

I was just lamenting to Henry that this October has flown by so fast and didn’t even feel that autumn-y to me. Maybe it’s because we didn’t do many daylight October things, like going to the pumpkin patch or whatever the fuck LL Bean families do when they all dress in matching flannels and post pictures on Instagram with fame smiles that make it seem like their faces are going to melt like a box of Crayolas next to a kerosene heater as soon as the picture is taken.

But hey, speaking of kerosene heaters, I whine every fall/winter about how badly I want a kerosene heater because we always used them in my house when I was growing up and they’re so comforting to me; I miss those slosh-slosh sounds that would happen whenever I bumped into it (which was a lot because I have a balance problem). I googled and couldn’t really find any super adverse environmental effects but I am admittedly a Big Dumb when it comes to these things, although I try my very best.

Anyway, Henry finally bought one and suddenly, it’s like being back at my parents’ house again and I love it so much. However, I was really worried about the cats.

“Oh don’t worry. The first ones to burn themselves will be you and Chooch,” Henry said dryly. So far, the cats keep their distance, although Drew has learned that if she lays nearby, it will keep her toasty and she gets very concerned when we shut it off before leaving the house/going to bed (safety first!). She sits nearby and stares at it with sad eyes because her robot friend no longer has fire in his belly.

I think we’ve pretty much wrapped up the haunted house season too because we won’t be home this weekend, unless we can make it to one on Friday night. But I have to say, my heart wasn’t 100% in it this year. Aside from Castle Blood, there was no real standout haunt this year (most of them had their moments though) and I think I’m just being mopey because I miss the days of going with big groups of friends. Aside from Janna, none of my other friends really consider this fun, and none of Chooch’s friends are into it, and Blake and Haley are parents now, so it’s kind of missing that spark. Plus, they are so expensive, that it’s almost criminal!  $25-$30 for something that you’re going to spend most of the time standing in line for, and then 30 minutes (if you’re lucky) actually being inside. You could go  to an amusement park for around the same price, get the haunted house treatment AND ride roller coasters for around that same price.

Oh my god, am I getting old?

Regardless, Janna, Chooch and I went to Demon House last Sunday night because there’s always a Groupon for that so it only cost $26 for both Chooch and me, plus we got a free beverage ticket and the chance to ride on the most annoying shuttle bus full of screaming high schoolers. Janna was like, “That one girl behind me was SO RUDE” and I said, “Oh that was a grown ass lady behind you, and yes, she was a real cunt.”

We were the first ones off the bus, first to get our tickets, and the first group to go inside! I LOVE BEING FIRST! I WAS BORN TO BE FIRST!

Anyway, the house was fine. We went with an older couple who were very inoffensive and decent (I apologized to them in advance because we can be a bit much sometimes as a group), and we all got to have a tarot card reading before the actual haunt started. Mine was about how there is something deep in my heart that I want to do for myself and that I should put myself first for once and do the thing that needs to be done in order to make myself happy, and we all got a big laugh about this afterward because I always think of my own happiness above others, so…..

Actually, only before Henry’s happiness. I can be a fake philanthropist when I want to be. (I.e. when I want attention, oh snap.)

Details of the haunted house will be saved for my haunted house journal, but believe me when I tell you that you’re not missing much.

Afterward, we redeemed our free beverages. Chooch and I each got lukewarm hot chocolate but JANNA got apple cider that she acted like was a cuppa molten lava so we had to sit for an eternity and wait for her to daintily blow on it, but luckily Demon House was playing “Halloween,” so we sat in the little outdoor theater area and I thought Chooch was going to have a rage stroke when some bitch about his age strode in (OH SHIT, LAURIE STRODE) and casually said, “Oh! It’s ‘Friday the 13th’!” I had to grab his arm to keep him from popping up out of his seat and confronting her.

But really…HE HAD EVERY RIGHT.

So that was fun.

On the way home, I pulled over in Monongahela so that Janna could take pictures of this pizza place that she saw ON FACEBOOK (probably).  I mean, the decorations were cool though.

Chooch stayed in the car, completely oblivious to what was going on because he was watching crap on his phone, but when we got back in the car, he cried, “WERE YOU GETTING A HELP WANTED SIGN!?”

“Oh my god, you guys are still doing that?” Janna asked with just a smidge too much incredulity in her tone for my liking. By “doing that,” Janna is referring to the very lucrative money-making app Chooch and I use called Job Spotter where you submit pictures of help wanted signs for points and each point = a penny. Then you can cash out whenever you want for an Amazon gift card. Right now, I’m at $55 (I’ve already cashed in twice, and I’m also kind of lazy so I accumulate points slowly) and I’ve been thinking of cashing in again because I really want to buy the cats more toys (I’m pathetic) but now I think I also might want to invest in A WEIGHTED HULA HOOP because I accidentally found a YouTube channel for weighted hula hoop dance workouts and they look like something right up my alley.

Hey speaking of Korea (oh, we weren’t talking about Korea just now? Well, now we are), I received an email last week from a co-worker in our Melbourne office. All it said was, “Erin can you read Korean?” and I was like, “READ, yes. UNDERSTAND, not always, lol” and then I panicked because what if she wanted me to translate something boring, like something work-related, but instead she sent me a screenshot of a video and said, “Can you tell me what the name of this tea is? I’ve been obsessed with finding out” and THANK THE LORD, that was an easy one. So I quickly responded with not just the name, but also the website and became an instant hero, an overnight sensation, the department MVP.

I should have known that it was my friend Sandy who recommended my services!

This Jennifer Aniston resurgence (not that she ever went away, but you know what I mean) has been making my heart so happy. I was so excited to see her on Instagram and I haven’t started watching her new show yet but I will do so eventually, I promise, Jen. I was reading an article last week on the trolley about how she set a Guinness World Record for most Instagram followers accumulated in a certain amount of time or whatever (OK, I was glossing over the article) when I suddenly had this old memory pop into my head where Henry and I were at this couple’s house for NYE in 2005 and I remember this distinctly because I was pregnant, miserable, and also slightly concerned that these people actually wanted my not-yet-born baby. Anyway, Jennifer Aniston came up in conversation and I mentioned that I thought she was the most beautiful woman in the world and I just loved her so much, when they both interrupted me with throat-noises of disagreement and one of them had the audacity to say—OUT LOUD—that she had a horse face?! I was so motherfucking pissed off, you guys, you have no idea. I had an actual argument with them over this was Henry, I don’t know, slept in a recliner with a paper plate of cheese and salami balancing in his chest probably, and apparently I’m still so mad about it that my eyes began to sting with RAGE-TEARS on the trolley that day at the very memory of this shitty moment and NOTICE that I did not , refer to these people as FRIENDS.

Well, this is all I care to share for today, Monday October 28, 2019.

Wrong! One more thing. Now that G-Dragon and T.O.P. are both out of the military, I hope we get another GD&TOP collab, even though T.O.P. has said he doesn’t want to make a comeback PLEASE COME BACK TO US.

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