Apr 242010
 

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

  • 14:42 I just dusted, sorta! You guys should have been there. #
  • 16:56 Painted a bunch of umbrellas. Somnambulant goes Mary Poppins, apparently. I always want to spell apparently with an -ally b/c I’m dumb. #
  • 16:57 Cleaning update: Henry is asphyxiating on bleach in the bathroom; I’m watching a commercial for the EZ Cracker. #
  • 17:02 @penschat Agreed. I can’t stand fair-weathered fans. I guess not even Pittsburgh is above that shit, though. :/ #
  • 17:14 Boy. I was JUST ABOUT to get up and help Henry clean when I pulled some muscle somewhere. Oh well. A for effort! #
  • 17:24 Goddamn I sure love my laugh. Henry does too. It’s what made him fall in love with me. Not my deep-throating skillz, no sir. #
  • 18:13 Henry just admitted that I helped by staying out of his way. I bothered my cat Marcy all day instead. She says thanks, Henry! #
  • 21:54 Fuck Backstrum, am I right Montreal? #
  • 21:56 Backstrom. Backstrum. What the fuck ever. He should be carrying pails of water up a hill somewhere, is all I know. #
  • ***
  • 13:49 Henry’s starting a fight w/ me b/c when he asks what I want from the store I say “something delicious” then get pis sed at what he buys. #
  • 13:49 HE’S NOT GOING TO WIN THIS ONE. #
  • 15:22 We’re @ the nursing home visiting Henry’s mom & he’s jelis b/c one of her neighbors is here, trying to steal Henry’s spot as her only son. #
  • 15:24 I think his name is Adrian & Henrys mom hasn’t said a word to Henry the whole time. Henry keeps twitching his ‘stache in fury. #
  • 16:17 The Chrstina Chronicles: Where Spring Fever & My Big Mouth Get Me In Trouble www.ohhonestlyerin.com/archives/4670 #
  • 16:39 Henry’s mom is popular. #
  • 18:54 Drankin’ wine, watching hockey. Thank god for weekend playoff games. #
  • 18:57 Oh Canada, how quickly you forget the man you’re booing is the one who won you that thing called THE OLYMPIC GOLD MEDAL. #
  • 19:19 NO GOAL! Ottawa cries in their poutine. #letsgopens #stanleycup #
  • 19:34 I bought a Strap Perfect. I was starting to feel too cool, so I needed a lame purchase to knock me down. It was either that or a Bump-it. #
  • 19:36 And despite what the commercial says, Henry had to put it on my bra for me. It was less ‘boom chicka’, more circus calliope. #
  • 19:51 All you have to do is glance at my fingernails to know it’s #StanleyCup playoff time. #pens #
  • 20:12 KEEP BOOING CROSBY, GUYS! #stanleycup #
  • 20:50 For a second there, I was sure that was Uncle Jessie on the ice; turns out it was just a helmetless Kris Letang. #stanleycup #pens #
  • 21:03 Hate it when fans boo their own team. Hated it when Pittsburgh did it on Friday & now tonite Ottawa look like douches too. #Stanleycup #
  • 22:00 Chooch is bitching about having a headache & in a pissed off tone, he said, “Because you were too noisy during the hockey game!&quo t; #
  • ***
  • 10:51 Chooch is watching “Halloween” while I work on the computer. What a terrific example of great parenting. #
  • 13:29 I derive great joy from updating Henry’s LiveJournal. GREAT JOY. #
  • 14:48 Bumpershoots, ‘oots, ‘oots // www.ohhonestlyerin.com/archives/4684 #
  • 15:36 Today I put my bracelet on by myself. I don’t need you anymore, Henry. #
  • 20:19 You might have heard a rumor about me. But it’s not true. I’m not a copier machine whisperer. Maybe ask someone else for help. #
  • 21:42 Chooch made his first Etsy sale. It’s totally bloating his head. Now he’s all, “I want to paint now!” as dollar signs spin in his eyeballs. #
  • 21:52 For the last 5 minutes, Chooch & I have been intensely discussing candy bars. It was the most adult convo I’ve had in days. #
  • ***
  • 00:18 I need a fluke. No, a flute. No. A fluke. #
  • 10:53 Stumbled across a photo of me from when I was pregnant. Suddenly don’t feel so bad about myself today. #
  • 10:55 Showed the photo to Chooch & screamed, “LOOK WHAT U DID TO ME U LITTLE MONSTER!” He seemed proud. #
  • 14:18 It offends me when people say Chooch looks like Henry. #
  • 16:52 Whoever would have thought one little letter “e” could have so much power. #
  • 17:06 Hooooo boy, a new mehoover post // bit.ly/dyuhr5 #
  • 20:46 #PENS, STOP TAKING PENALTIES THX. #
  • 20:49 #pens #sens game is bananas. 6-3 Pens in the second period! I LOVE THE #STANLEYCUP PLAYOFFS!! #
  • ***
  • 08:48 @awoodhick Oh shit. I just noticed you spelled all those words right. #
  • 08:51 Still trying to wrap my head around the fact that Pittsburgh now hates Ben Roethlisberger like I always have. Weird to be in majority. #
  • 09:55 My coffee tastes like celery. #
  • 10:41 Me: Today’s Robert’s bday (I don’t have to say his last name for Chooch to know who I mean) Chooch: I wanna see what cake he’s gonna have! #
  • 12:53 Dear Chooch, sorry I burnt your lunch. But what did you expect when you asked for buttered noodles? #
  • 15:28 Chooch just angrily yelled, “Why are those little bitches looking at me???” Probably because you’re acting like u have Tourettes, Chooch. #
  • 16:29 We’ve been discussing porn for the past 15 minutes. I love my job!!!! #
  • 17:06 I HAVE A HANGNAIL AND A WORK BOYFRIEND. #
  • 17:16 I think work bf’s name is Andy. Don’t worry, @awoodhick, he’s not one of the lawyers so it’d just be a lateral move. #
  • 21:40 Henry is the wor st business partner ever. #
  • ***
  • 10:36 The Christina Chronicles: The Ambush bit.ly/ct3WRS #
  • 13:52 Fuck you for not taking Chooch to work today, Henry. #
  • 14:07 @awoodhick Ooooh burn. Chooch just said, “Daddy loves Blake more than me.” GOOD JOB DAD. #
  • 21:04 I never ever thought there’d come a day when I’d give someone the larger half of a piece of chocolate. Enjoy it, Chooch. You jerk. #
  • 21:19 OMG my hockey fingernails; OMG this game. #letsgopens!!! #
  • 22:00 I really can’t handle OT playoff games. #
  • 23:41 Fuck that. #
  • ***
  • 00:40 The Penguins might have lost in triple OT but at least there’s a Mint Condition video on VH1’s Soulphrodisiac RIGHT NOW. #
  • 00:44 I don’t remember this guy’s voice being so falsetto. Henry’s was for awhile tonight. I kept kicking his weener while he brushed his teeth. #
  • 00:46 Oh look! Another video with an r&b group wearing matching suits WITH NO SHIRT UNDERNEATH! omg I’m so horny now. #
  • 00:49 I like how sometimes the guy from Silk we ars glasses in this video. And sometimes HE DOES NOT. And WTF ever happened to En Vogue. #
  • 00:52 I think being retweeted by @MeeSoHorny is a good indication that it’s bed time. #
  • 10:16 Chooch does everything by himself. What does he even need me for?? I’m going to the bar. Outtie. #
  • 13:57 Oh thank god for Kohls! I haven’t seen shit splattered on a wall in so long. Probably since I was last locked in the psych ward. #
  • 14:19 OMG Henry’s giving a truck driver directions & I’m trying so hard not to laugh. Ok, I’m not really trying. At all. He thinks he’s so cool. #
  • 18:19 One of the bigwigs just asked, “Why are you working here? You should be out taking photos!” And writing books too, no?! Too easy. #
  • 18:20 I’m really starting to feel like a waste. #
  • 18:58 Shooting Sprees & Chiodos // www.ohhonestlyerin.com/archives/4709 #
  • 19:09 I’m the least artsy “artist” you will ever meet. Jesus Christ, do I fit in anywhere?! #
  • 21:44 #HABS!!! #HABS!!! #
  • 21:52 The ppl in the booth behind me at Kings are making flux capacitor jokes. I’m making exaggerated laughing faces & Henry scolded me. #
  • 21:56 The old lady behind Chooch is neither amused nor softened by Chooch’s dimpled grin. CUNT! #
  • 21:59 Chooch can write all his letters, every last one! He’s already smarter than Henry! #
  • 22:17 Just watched my son eat his ice cream like a dog. In a restaurant. And I didn’t care. #
  • 22:54 When Hockey & Murder Collide bit.ly/9UPS8K #
  • 23:07 I’d like to punch Bruce Boudreau in his flapping jowls. Of all the #Caps, I despise him the most. He is the TRUE crybaby of the NHL. #
  • 23:46 My cat Don just used his ass to turn the channel from the NHL Network to some God programming. Not feeling it, Don. #
  • ***
  • 02:05 NHL On the Fly’s on in the background & I promise, every time I look up it’s just in time to see #Caps Belanger pull out his bloody tooth. #
  • 10:19 I feel like if it doesn’t reduce me to tears & leave me fashioning a noose out of my sports bra, it’s not really boot camp. #
  • 11:07 Almost bought a pair of stripper shoes. Still considering it because THEY’RE CUTE AND I DON’T CARE. #
  • 11:12 Me: I just won’t wear them to work Henry: Then where will you wear them? To the strip club? FUCKER. #
  • 11:41 Midwestern emo never lets me down. #
  • 12:57 Just bought the new Circa Survive & Henry mumbled “oh boy.” Also bought Chooch the new Friday the 13th for his bday tmrw. Great parenting. #
  • 13:03 Our car is filled with Anthony Green’s voice and Henry looks ready to blow his face off. #
  • 13:05 Fuck Walmart for being the only place that sells How To Train Your Dragon shit. This is the 2nd time in a mth I’ve had to go to Shitmart:( #
  • 13:10 Oh thank God, avoided Walmart. Though I feel filthy and have the urge to say “ain’t” just f rom driving thru the parking lot. #
  • 13:12 Apparently 2 minutes in the Walmart parking lot is long enough to see three men spitting their tabacca with great gusto. #
  • 14:18 It’s amazing I’ve come this far utilizing such poor judgement. #
  • 14:18 It’s amazing how many times it took me to spell “utilizing.” #
  • 14:2 8 Henry to me: YOU’LL BE CRYING IN A MINUTE IF YOU DONT STOP. We’re in love, he and I. #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter. Now you can rest easy, knowing my (sometimes incriminating) inner-most thoughts, actions and tampon-change. Please do not call the FBI.

Choose Your Words Carefully