May 022010
 

Hey look at me and my mommy blog!

I’ve been having conflicting feelings lately. Feelings that have made me want to seriously pack a bag and just go away, possibly never come back. I suspect that maybe this is normal, that other moms probably feel this way at times, but it’s hard when you can’t find anyone to admit that, when you feel that just saying the words out loud will have you ostracized from humanity. Makes you feel kind of alone in it all. Lately, it’s seemed like Chooch and I fight with each other more than anything else and I hate that. I hate going into work with blood-shot eyes, trying to suppress that sniveling reaction your body goes through when you’ve been crying all afternoon. I miss being able to just enjoy my kid instead of constantly yelling at him and having him defy me over and over. Usually this starts as soon as he rolls out of bed.

I don’t hate my kid. But I’m starting to hate being a mom. I don’t want to hate being a mom. Last week at work, I overheard one of the analysts in her office, talking on the phone to her nineteen-month-old. And she sounded so happy talking to her son, praising him,  repeating over and over that she loved him and would be home soon. I remember those days, too. And they seem like they happened forever ago. When my co-worker hung up, she said to herself, “I love being a mother.”

Fuck you.

Most days I’m too stressed and disgusted to “enjoy” being a mother. The five hours a night I spend at my job, in a clean and quiet office, is what I enjoy.

And that makes me feel like shit.

So I’ve been looking at baby pictures. Reading old LiveJournal posts from when he was in his first year. It’s been helping. And he’s been good this weekend, like the old Chooch that I thought must have been devoured by zombies because it’s been so long since I’ve seen him.

***

Yesterday was really good though. He was actually sweet, cooperative, suggested going to the cemetery to take pictures. THAT’S the Chooch I used to know. I convinced Henry to give him a faux hawk because I haven’t been able to stand the way his hair has grown in from that horrible shearing Henry gave him last December. In my mind, his bad seed behavior can be traced back to that horrible buzzing his scalp endured.

May 01 2010 013

“Ugh. I look like Jimmy Neutron,” Chooch said when he looked in the mirror. But I was like, “Well, I like it and that’s all that matters.”

May 01 2010 044

May 01 2010 045

I don’t know where Henry got those shorts for him. I don’t approve.

May 01 2010 117

“And then JESUS….woked up from the DEAD….and saw a ZOMBIE! and then died again.”

May 01 2010 129

Literally an hour later, he realized that his hair had been sculpted into a cement slab. [More photos here.]

***

I do love Chooch. That’s never changed. I just need to find a way to get back to loving my role in his life. Maybe I’m an asshole for having the audacity to admit all of this. But hopefully, there are moms reading who maybe feel the same and now they know they’re not alone. Because god knows I know how much it sucks to feel alone.

  24 Responses to “one faux hawk and a little too much honesty”

  1. Darlin, there are plenty of times when I feel like a right, royal failure when it comes to being a mom. Have felt that way for years. So far, they haven’t killed anyone, and since two of them are now of legal adult age, I figure that’s pretty good, right?

    But I know what you mean about wanting to just run the fuck away from all of it. You’re not alone in that. At all.

    • Lol, yes – that’s pretty good!

      I think part of the problem for me is that I don’t really have any mom friends to talk with about this stuff. And then it’s always the ones who don’t have kids who want to point out every single thing you’re doing wrong. So I keep it to myself and then THIS happens!

      It’s like we’re conditioned to act like everything is fine, that admitting we’re having problems will make us weak or feel like a failure. That’s just stupid. Ive never been good at faking shit like that.

      Thank you for telling me this. It does make me feel less alone. <3

  2. Being a mother of two (22 and 16 years) I think I have enough experience to tell you to not even think about beating yourself up about how you’re feeling because you’re totally normal.

    Raising children is all about ups and downs and there are a helluva lot more downs than ups in the real world. Unfortunately we’re programmed to not talk about the bad things in fear of being judged harshly. And when you say the bad things about the shit-storm that is raising children out loud people get nervous because you’re messing with the pretty pictures they have painted in their own minds.

    Relax and just be honest with yourself. You can never be wrong when you’re not lying about your life. Children can and will forever be a pain in the ass, but you can still love them and they can still love you. It’s just hard to know that when you’re both beating your heads into the wall.

    Chooch will be fine. You will be fine. Even Henry might make it out alive. ;)

    • “Unfortunately we’re programmed to not talk about the bad things in fear of being judged harshly. And when you say the bad things about the shit-storm that is raising children out loud people get nervous because you’re messing with the pretty pictures they have painted in their own minds.”

      Exactly this! You’re so right. Thank you for offering your own insight – I really appreciate it, Nance!

  3. What you are feeling is -totally- normal. And the acting out that Chooch is doing is normal too. I remember that Hunter went through a bad phase right around the same age that lasted something like 3-6 months. We talked about looking into exorcism because surely he had been posessed by a demon of some sort, and Dolly bore the brunt of the abuse. He was TERRIBLE. They fought constantly. He hit her, he told her he hated her and wished she was dead and then would cry inconsolably for saying it only to go feral a few minutes later. It was a nightmare. What made it extra bad was that it was obvious that he wasn’t really doing any of this to John or me, so it was almost impossible not to take it all very personally.

    Then one day, it got better, and lately it’s been pretty amazing. I’m sure he’ll go all satanic again, and maybe I will be his focus next time, but that too will pass, just like what’s going on with you and Chooch will pass. In the mean time, try not to beat yourself up, it sounds like he’s doing plenty of that for you already.

    • Yes! THIS! This is exactly how he’s been for the last few months. Like he’s fucking possessed. It scares me, because I’m bi-polar and I’m not sure if it has anything to do with that.

      It gets really bad when Henry and I are both involved. I’m surprised the neighbors haven’t called the cops because Chooch screams like we’re sticking him with hot pokers when we’re not even near him. And the door slamming, and the GET AWAY FROM MEs!! Ugh. And he will NOT go to sleep until midnight, no matter how much energy we try to get him to burn off. So Henry and I hardly ever get to spend time together.

      I had a bad time of it last year too, but I attributed it to the fact that Henry was working two jobs and I really thought Chooch was acting out because of it. After Henry quit his night job, things started to be OK again. I hope it’s just a phase, growing pains or whatever. I don’t really have anyone to take him, you know? Before I started working again, I was ALWAYS with him.

      Thank you for telling me this. It was hard to admit it.

  4. Harland isnt old enough to argue yet, but I totally understand where you are coming from. Getting those feelings out in words is probably the only thing that keeps us mom from up and actually running away sometimes!
    Anyone who says being a mom is easy and that they never feel overwhelmed, lonely, or like running away is totally lying!

    Oh, and Im a day late and this is probably a totally inappropriate place for my RSVP but im like 99.9% sure that at least Harland and I will be there! I just got Chooch’s presents and I hope he likes them!

    • And it’s hard to admit because God forbid anyone think you’re less than perfect, right? It sucks sometimes. People keep telling me I need a break, and I’m like, “That would be great….but how?” When I signed up to be a parent, I didn’t check any boxes that said it was anything less than a full-time job. I can’t just expect people to be like, “Here, drop him off over here for the weekend.” This is something I need to deal with and handle, and I don’t think a break is going to fix anything.

      Four years I’ve been doing this and people still make me feel like an amateur! Does that ever stop!?

      Anyway, I’m so glad you guys will almost definitely be there!! Chooch loves looking at pictures of Harland. And my friend Christy will be there with her daughter Claire, who just turned one, so that will be fun to see her and Harland interact!

  5. As I am sitting here reading this(and telling the 14 yr old to “go away from me!” and asking him why he gets so much pleasure in making me want him to go away because he is sitting next to me smiling while i am getting more and more pissed) I can say I relate to the loving your kids but them driving you crazy. It is okay to be annoyed-they are kinda energy,emotion,time and life sucking creatures sometimes, and at least we still care for them, hug them, feed them and plan birthday parties,take them fun places,read to them etc., that shows them that even if we get annoyed ,we still care. One little tip I can give is sometimes when I am not in the heat of the moment being pissed off and I have calmed down I think to myself- “self, remember it is hard being a parent and having all this responsibility, but it is also hard being a kid.Life is just practice for them right now while they figure out the right way to grow into a functioning adult”

  6. Dude, I had SO many of these feelings, especially over the past year. Four was a BITCH for Blue and for me, mostly. I highly recommend “Your 4-year-old” from the Ames series. The whole series, actually, but I had a lot of “OMG I’m not crazy and neither is he” moments just reading that little book. And guess what? Five is better. <3

    • Thank you for the tip Lisa. I need all the help I can get. I just feel so defeated. Henry and I have honestly had conversations about me leaving, and I feel like shit about that, like I should be able to handle this better.

      I hope 5 is better! Because 3 was more tumultuous than terrible and I’ve only had a small taste of what 4 is like and I can tell you I don’t like it!

  7. My 12 year old seems to take delight in arguing with me lately. It doesn’t matter what it’s about, he just loves the argument.
    Then the puberty mood swings. He starts arguing, I end up yelling, he starts crying. Ugh.

    Sometimes I just think it would be easier to punch him. Which of course I won’t, but if he weren’t my kid and aggravated me this much?
    I always just try and remember that what someone up there said is true… It’s hard being a kid too. I remember being a crazy, hormonal teenager. I remember taking a but if delight in pushing my mothers buttons. I think it’s just a normal kid thing.
    Hope you’re feeling better about parenting dear! 4 was hard. :)

    • I really appreciate your feedback on this. It’s true – the “it’s hard being a kid” thing. I had a very frustrating childhood, and I see so much of myself in Chooch when his switch flips. I wish I was better at dealing with it, like I always wished my own parents were.

      I do feel better, thanks to all you moms!

  8. “bit of delight” gah!

    Hate tiny keyboard.

    P.S. Without my job, I’d probably lose it. Ben stays home and I don’t know how he has the patience some days. But, at least now Derek leaves the house to see friends in the neighborhood and we get a break then. Gives us time to be together.

    • I feel the same! The only thing I don’t like about working is that I always have to get an evening job because we don’t have anyone to watch Chooch, so Henry and I really don’t see each other until the weekend.

      I can’t wait until Chooch has friends so he can drive other parents nuts!

  9. My boys are 17 and 21 but if I’m remembering correctly, age 4 was the year they each fell madly in love with their mommy … maybe you’ll get to enjoy some of that, too. It does sound like you need to schedule some time alone with Henry and away from the wee fella; a weekly date night or something. I don’t know about you, but I need those — they remind me why I fell in love with my partner, and a mom just needs to get away from her kids and do something just for herself.

    • Thanks for the advice, Kate; it’s greatly appreciated! I do need to try and schedule time with Henry. I miss being able to talk to him without a child screaming over top of me because god forbid, I’m talking to talking to HIM!

  10. They didn’t STAY in love with their momma past the age of four. Oh wait, Emil did. But he’s still about four years old, in some ways.

  11. You know all those times I’ve written about wanting to abandon my kid at a bus stop or drown her in the bathtub? It’s funny cause it’s true. There are days when I feel like all she’ll remember about being with me is being punished and yelled at. Days when she seems to live in time out.

  12. ~HUGS~ I’m not a mom…but I go thru the moments like you. It’s the feeling that we aren’t doing enough. We could do more. Let it out Erin. That’s the best thing. AND I really enjoy seeing little chooch and re-reading the stories

    • YES! That’s what it is, the feeling that we’re not doing enough. That is a frustrating, sucky feeling. parent or not!

      I’m glad you’ve been enjoying the Chooch Nostalgia:) Remembering the old stuff and admitting all that crap in this post has sort of made me re-evaluate things. I’ve been feeling better about it all!

  13. I only know it’s normal because my niece who is the same age as Riley has been acting out. My sister’s parental research tells her that the little one is going through a “power struggle.” But no matter what you call it, I think it’s just part of growing up; you’re not doing anything wrong. And you’re not an asshole for feeling this way.

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