May 222010
 

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

  • 16:05 There are men fishing in front of a crowd downtown, with Whitney Houston playing on a transistor radio. Like it sounds, it’s not awesome. #
  • 17:38 Henry to Chooch: “Yr the last thing ppl want to see while eating.” Right. Not sliced eyeballs, Speidi 69’ing, hobo chugging tranny sex jam. #
  • 17:58 Hay look @ the dumb! tweets: burying the Penguins hashtag for awhile. :(: Earth-shattering updates throughout the … bit.ly/aD8xM5 #
  • 19:35 I don’t dislike the Chiodos stuff I’ve heard, sans Craigery Owens, but I do feel dirty listening to Brandon Bolmer sing “Letter to Janelle.” #
  • 20:13 I’ve never heard the expression “soup to nuts” before this week, & have since heard it twice. Maybe it means I should eat more soup & nuts. #
  • 20:15 Same here, much to the relief of my followers RT @Jagrmeister: Without Penguins hockey, my tweets will decrease by 17.34% on a daily basis. #
  • 21:05 I hope I turn pretty when I get older. Just like Queen Latifah did. #
  • 23:45 Could have sworn Henry said he was going to the morgue. #
  • 23:46 ☂☹♥♠✈✔♨☁❦☕✩ #
  • ***
  • 02:32 My text about hockey to 93.7 The Fan was read on the air, followed by an emphatic “EXACTLY” & b/c I’m half-drunk this has made my life. #
  • 12:32 Pictures of Chooch & A Pointless Trip Downtown bit.ly/bQHXJp #
  • 12:50 Last night was one of the best night’s I’ve had in awhile. Here’s hoping Henry doesn’t poop all over that today. #
  • 14:03 I am not goddamn Goldie Hawn. #
  • 14:08 Henry doesn’t know if I like lime or not because we just met last week. #
  • 14:51 At Yuppie Mecca, ie playground at North Park. Henry & I don’t stick out AT ALL. Chooch is the coolest kid here, at least. #
  • 14:54 Oh please. This lady is NOT sitting in lotus. No, seriously. What a fucking twat. #
  • 15:54 Watching Henry teach Chooch to ride a bike showed me a montage of future Jackass segments. Chooch was trying to crash on purpose!
  • 16:22 Judging by the positive reaction of strangers, the faux hawk was the right choice for Chooch’s dome. #
  • 17:12 It’s nice being able to watch this hockey game without my heart (& fingernail shrapnel) getting lodged in my throat. #Sharks #Hawks #
  • 19:08 He only eats the good part: j.mp/cpe851 #
  • 19:21 Chooch to Henry: Dont marry Mommy; that would be so disgusting. #
  • 22:41 Can’t wait for the new Oceana album. Pretty sure it’ll devour all the fucking annoyances around me. If not, back to the bomb manual. #
  • 22:45 Wish Satan would stop communicating through my son every night at bed time. It was silly at 1st but now I’m ready to call the God Squad. #
  • 22:47 Q:If you could have a super power, what wo… A:To bind assholes with cheese curd trampo… formspring.me/ohhonestlyerin/q/556375001 #
  • 22:50 I”m going to start walking around on stilts fashioned from plastic tumblers, a la Romper Room. Maybe then ppl will stop talking down to me. #
  • ***
  • 00:42 I’m so giddy, posing hypotheticals, that I almost just puked on Henry’s stomach. He keeps yelling, “OK, GOODNIGHT!” #
  • 00:46 I NEED LITTLE GIANT BLUEBERRIES! I want to take my dentures out & eat them with a spoon for breakfast. #
  • 00:50 The real tragedy on this episode of “Design U” isn’t that the homeowner’s foyer is dated, but that her 90yo bff told her so. #
  • 00:51 Just mishea rd “closet doors” as “suppositories.” #
  • 01:08 Henry: 45 minutes ago, you said you were going to bed. Me: No, that was when you told me to go to bed. #
  • 09:23 Video: Chooch doesn’t need paint on his face to get into zombie-mode bit.ly/dwlgqP #
  • 13:41 A painting that I shipped in January was just returned to me today. I hate mailing things. Worst part about having Etsy shops. #
  • 14:13 Currently: 4 cops at Robin’s. #
  • 16:40 Ever look at your thumb and it’s like looking at a stranger? Somewhere in the Bible, it will say amputation is the answer. #
  • 18:33 The analyst in the office next to me is blasting T’Pau & I’m suddenly very happy, although wishing I could swap out my heels for skates. #
  • 19:49 I always have to catch myself before adding “z0rz” to the end of words at work. Ohwellz0rz. :( #
  • 19:50 And I wonder why p eople are shocked to find out I’m 30, not 20. #
  • 23:47 It’s not drugging when the Nyquil trips and falls down Chooch’s throat. Right? #
  • ***
  • 00:18 I haven’t watched the Gossip Girl finale yet but I can only hope a chandelier made from daggers & Lady Gaga’s acrylics falls on Serena. #
  • 10:42 Today I Learned the Definition of “Later” bit.ly/aXIewH #
  • 12:29 I am being ordered to tweet about Chooch’s dream, in which he was bad at the playground, & it was “white&dark, white&dark, white&dark.” #
  • 12:30 Perhaps Chooch can just start writing in my blog for me, too. I could use a break. And his posts would probably be better anyway. #
  • 19:39 It makes me happy when lawyers here compliment me on my clothes & shoes. It’s the small things.
  • ***
  • 00:15 Just saw previews for Eclipse; realized I do n’t remember shit from the book except it being another 300+ pages of 0 character development. #
  • 11:24 Chooch’s Zombie Party: the official account bit.ly/cIiE2l #
  • 12:02 I hope someday I make it back to Morocco. #
  • 12:05 I love how Henry sends me ads for all the shows I can’t go to because he keeps making me get evening jobs. Fucker dummy. #
  • 13:39 Chooch & I were doing yoga; he was making me laff so hard I had to stop & take his pic. twitpic.com/1p6h5e #
  • 15:03 My child is attempting to garrote himself with a strand of Easter basket grass. At least he’s suicidally creative. #
  • 18:30 My easy job is about to get much more challenging & I kind of can’t wait. #
  • 19:47 Young Yoga Master bit.ly/9lnS3u #
  • 20:29 We’re giving one of my co-workers a ride home tonight. I hope Henry & Chooch don’t act like fucking turkey basters & screw this up for me. #
  • 22:01 Chooch is on a yoga kick, for real. He just paused during his “goodnight stretch” routine to take a huge gulp of chocolate milk. #
  • 22:43 Finally made it to the 3/30 episode of Lost. Why did I let so many build up? Oh right, because this season is boring the shit outta me. #
  • ***
  • 08:26 left chooch alone for 5 mins with informercials; now all he can talk abt is a blender called the Amazing Power Puff (?) that we HAVE to buy. #
  • 12:19 Just spent the last 30 minutes befriending a wasted boy trying to sell magazines. His parting advice to Chooch: don’t get branded. #
  • 12:20 And out of the blue, he asked me if I was happy. We’re Facebook friends now. (Assuming he accepts my request! I might die if he doesn’t!) #
  • 12:52 It’s so rare that I converse w/ strangers at length these days, that my short episode w/ Ray the Magazine Schiller really struck me. #
  • 17:30 My coworker was bragging about meeting Chooch last night & all the ladies made jealous exclamations. I’m like, “Ladies, don’t fight.” #
  • 18:44 The date has been set for Blogathon 2010 & I’m totally doing it again. Who’s with me??? WE CAN MOVE THE WORLD! #
  • 19:50 Please keep this up, #Habs. #StanleyCup (Sorry, just can’t quit the hockey tweets.) #
  • 21:51 Took Chooch w/ me to run on a high school track & he nearly out-ran two men for an entire lap. They were impressed & stopped to tell me so. #
  • 21:52 “He’s gonna be on TV someday,” the one man said. Yeah, let’s hope it’s the Olympics & not OUTRUNNING THE LAW. #
  • ***
  • 08:46 Well. Henry left me another voicemail of himself having sex with machinery. Get a life. #
  • 12:34 Henry asked me if I missed him; I said YES real quick, because I thought it meant he had something for me. Turns out he was just wondering. #
  • 14:18 Discovered 11 voice memos on my phone, all left in various zombie groans. Thanks son. #
  • 15:10 Me: according to all my old journals, we shouldn’t even be together. Henry: I don’t need any old journals to tell me THAT. #
  • 18:02 Henry texted me to say that Chooch ordered his own rib dinner; waited his turn & everything. Now all he needs us for is to wipe his ass:( #
  • 22:32 Come on, #Sharks! #
  • 22:37 Went to the high school track again w/ my bodyguards. It’s scary there at nite, could get raped by the industrial arts instructor. #
  • 10:32 I apparently just ate a toaster struedel like it was my first time. #

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