May 262010

To know me, to really know me, is to know that I am almost constantly having some sort of eyesight drama. I kind of feel that someone could easily write an entire sitcom around on it.

Now, I haven’t been to my eye doctor in two years, because he is MEAN TO ME. One time, he called me a crack head! Yeah, he did! Because I tried to tell him that I thought I had an astigmatism and God forbid I should be attune to my eyeballs, you know? He finally admitted that I had a slight astigmatism but that it wasn’t enough to prescribe me toric lenses. I had to FIGHT him on it because I had been reading up on the lenses and was pretty sure they would help me, considering I couldn’t see out of regular lenses without squinting, even when the prescription was brand new, and I had a hard time keeping the lenses from popping off.

“Fine, I’ll pacify your neuroses,” is what he actually said, I’m NOT LYING, as he went to find a sample pair of toric lenses.

They were amazing. They didn’t do gymnastics across the arc of eyeball like regular lenses did, and I felt my eye sight was more balanced. He didn’t seem to believe me when I went back a week later to tell him this, like it was all psychosomatic. Yes, we all know I’m a crazy-ass, thank you; maybe even a little bit of a hypochondriac. But when I say I can’t see, I REALLY FUCKING MEAN THAT I CAN’T SEE. He seemed to be smirking when he wrote down my order for a full supply of the toric lenses.

I’ve continued to order them on my own, and I’m proud to say I haven’t had any jumpers since switching to the toric lenses.

Unfortunately, I needed to order more contacts last week, but my doctor denied my 1-800-contacts order since my prescription is expired. Goddamn fucking LAWS.

“I am NOT going back to that guy,” I yelled to Henry. It seemed like every time I was there, I was finding myself caught in some stupid lie. And besides, the last time I was there, I apparently had some infection and was supposed to go back and see him after 10 days of not wearing contacts, but I wore my contacts that entire time and was too afraid to go back and suffer his wrath. (In fact, I will re-post that entry later because I’m actually quite fond of it.)

(I should be slapped for saying that I’m “quite fond” of something.)

This morning, I had an appointment with some broad at Pearle Vision. As soon as I entered, she exclaimed, “You must be Erin!” in a slight Southern drawl. “I already checked you out, you’re good,” she said cheerfully as she slid my insurance card back to me.

As I sat in a small room, removing my contacts, some older gentleman passed by and said, “Oh, that must be Erin!”

“Everyone’s excited to see you today,” the doctor laughed.

“I like it. Makes me feel like a celebrity,” I said as I plucked out my right lens with a nick on the edge.

In the exam room, she slid back from the eye machine and said, “Well, you have an astigmatism.” As she scribbled on my chart, I told her about my war with the other doctor.

“That’s scary,” she said. “That you would know more about it than your doctor.” She looked appalled.

“Yeah, thank god for Google!” I laughed. But I was serious. Thank god for Google.

“I don’t know how you were able to see, wearing regular lenses.”

“That’s the thing! I thought I was getting more blind by the day. And my contacts were always popping off my eyes.”

She fit with me a pair of Acuvue toric lenses and they were ten times better than the off-brand ones the other guy prescribed to me. “I really think you’re going to like these ones so much more,” she said all nice and Southerny.

Everything was so crisp! It made me want to grab a parasol and start singing.

No one there pressured me into ordering a full box, or trying on glasses. They were vultures in the other office. It was a good start to the day.

Henry had dropped me off at the eye doctor,  because Chooch had a check-up at his pediatrician’s office down the street. To kill time, I walked down to McDonald’s to get an iced coffee, and then sat in front of Old Country Buffet right in time for all the old people to arrive in droves. What is it with geriatrics and buffets? Old people, when in swarms, walk remarkably like zombies. I was a little fearful, but the fact that I could SEE it was old people staggering up to me, and not mobile sacks of potatoes, negated my fear.

Finally Henry arrived. In the car, he noticed I was drinking directly from the plastic cup and asked, “They didn’t give you a lid?”

“No, they didn’t give me a STRAW, and when I couldn’t FIND a straw, I said, ‘Hey, can someone give me a STRAW?’ and no one answered so I was like FUCK YOU THEN, threw out the lid, and have been drinking it strawless ever since.”

“Wow. You sure showed them,” Henry muttered.

  12 Responses to “Two Brand New Eyes and One Less Straw”

  1. ~laughs~
    I’ m grateful i can see perfectly. I wouldn’t want to wear glasses and putting contacts in my eyes would be impossible! I have to be hogtied and sat on when drops have to be put in my eyes! I’m a sissylala.

  2. When I wore contacts I used the Acuvue Toric lenses, too! Well, in my right eye.. The left eye doesn’t have an astigmatism.

    Have you ever checked out You can get your glasses prescription from your eye doctor (it’s yours; it legally belongs to you and they can’t withhold it from you), pick out a pair of lenses you like there and type in your script. They make them and send them to you.. And they start at like 8.00 a pair, including the lenses! It’s so great. I had like six pairs. I’m legally blind so I have to get the extra strength lenses and they charge a little more for those but I still don’t pay more than like 30 dollars for a pair of glasses which I think is awesome.

    Also, Nick and I always call that restaurant “Old People Buffet”.

    Also, this one time I was having my eyes examined and the doctor leaned back in his seat and said to me in an oddly husky voice, “You have really great retinas…”

    Uh, thanks? I grew them myself?

    • A couple people told me about zenni back when I wasn’t supposed to be wearing contacts and had no glasses, but I never got around to getting a pair. I really should try that out sometime soon. I need ones with huge frames, because I’m so fussy about wearing glasses. I can’t walk down steps in them without tripping!

      I died at “really great retinas.” WTF?!

  3. I hate going to the eye Dr. like normal people hate the dentist. I would have kicked that guy in the balls for sure! What a dick! I finally found a really nice lady who doesn’t put drops in my eyes and is calm and soothing when I start hyperventilating. After working in an eye glasses lab for a bit I became more hateful and skeptical. Those damn opticians are just like used car salesman and try to sell you crap you don’t need. Don’t get me started!

    • You and me both! I’m always waiting for the eye doctor to tell me that my eyes are going to fall out because I wear my contacts too much.

      I didn’t know you worked in an eye glasses lab! They really are like car salesmen. The guys at the shitty place I used to go were horrible and would always try to make me feel obligated. The people at Pearle were like, “Whatever you want to do is fine; you don’t have to order contacts thru us at all if you don’t want!” and I was speechless.

  4. I have the most horrible unhealthy eyes a condition called pterygium and can’t even wear makeup anymore. I always look like I am crying and or stoned. I doctor hopped and even had a eye surgeon refuse to fix my eyes, PLUS I have astigmatism. Now I dont even have insurance and fear I may someday loose my eyes because they will rot out of my head or something. So I am sosososososssososSSSOOOOOOOOOssososososSSSSSOOOO sossosossssoossososososososososososoosososossossososso glad for you that you got the care you need and deserve. :)

  5. I have an abiding fear of eye doctors – because I’m always afraid they’re going to tell me I’m going blind (I have horrible eyes). If I had one like yours, I’d probably run screaming from the room.

  6. I just went to an ophthalmologist for the first time this month, because I had an eye infection, and it was actually ok, besides the fact that they blew air into my eyes and poked at them with culture sticks. I don’t like anything near my eyes, so it was really difficult mustering up the courage to go (and even more difficult applying the $50 eye drops they prescribed to my eyes). The doctor was really nice and REALLY good looking, so it made it a little easier. I can’t imagine having that dick of a doctor that you did, especially since they have to get so close to your face! I’m really glad you found a competent doctor with good bedside manner (and that you can finally see again)!

    I’ve never seen a pack of old people shuffling into an Old Country Buffet, but I an imagine that yes, they would look like zombies.

    • First, I read this as you just went to the orphanage for the first time, lol.

      I hope your eyes are OK now! Drops are horrible, aren’t they? I had to do that once and panicked to the point where most of it ended up on my cheeks, chin and sink.

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