Henry Drank Straub with the Neighbors

Oh hey, Happy Memorial Day. My big plans consist of watching the shitty parade that bumbles past my house every year at 10am, and then possibly playing some Thingie Ball. Big deal.

I spent the day with Alisha yesterday. Henry sent me a series of texts that looked like this:

“Couch is next door playing with josh and madison and we were invited to their lookout which is awkward since we have nothing to take so I told them I was sick.”

“chooch.”

“cookout.”

“Dame xt9.”

“spellcheck.”

“damn.”

I came home around 8:00 and found Henry, “sick” as he was, down in the backyard with “Couch” at the neighbor’s “lookout.” What this really means was that he was engaged in man-stance with Hot Naybor Chris, drinking Straub. (HAHAHA.) I’m not a huge fan of Hot Naybor Chris’s wife – some bad blood boiled last summer – but going in the house would have made everything a thousand times worse.

So I was neighborly and it pained every fiber of my being.

But at least 1950s Housewife wasn’t there.

She has a new look by the way: androgynous thirteen year old boy.

It wasn’t too bad, I suppose. Hot Naybor Chris (why am I even still calling him that?) was totally blitzed and spouting off nonsense, and then Mark – Henry’s token black friend – came home from work and joined us out back. Because I’m an adolescent and stupid shit like that tickles me to no end, I started sending out hysterical texts and tweets because MARK AND HENRY WERE BOTH WEARING BANDANNAS. I think it made Henry feel cool because lookie here, Mark was wearing one too and everyone knows that Mark is the coolest dude on the block.

Never mind that this is Brookline. As long as you’re not a meth head or an inhabitant of the neighborhood halfway house, it’s not hard to be the coolest.

Then Chris and Mark’s wives took weak stabs at emasculating them, and I stood there silently observing. If they only knew the shit I did to Henry.

Also! I added some Google Friend Connect bullshit to the right side of my blog. I always thought it was just a Blogger thang, but apparently it works for WordPress too. So now I have one. I’m always late to the party. So yeah, click that shit! Let’s pretend I actually have more than 10 followers!