Jun 122010
 

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

  • 17:21 Earlier, I was blasting Circle Takes the Square while sitting at a red light, but turned it down as an old lady walked past. GOOD SAMARITAN. #
  • 17:24 HAY PITTSBURGHERS! Stop wishing for the rain to go away. My witch collection hasn’t fully melted yet. Fuck. #
  • 18:56 #itsnotcheatingif you kill your boyfriend/girlfriend first. (Totally a “duh” Tweet, but maybe some of you didn’t know.) #
  • 19:16 Henry just taught me the difference between a sawhorse and a barricade. Just an example of the scintillating car convos we share. #
  • 20:10 Aaaaaaand this is why we don’t take the animal child out to eat. #
  • 20:19 Chooch is pissed off. I know this because he just screamed I’M PISSED OFF from the backseat. #
  • 20:23 I’d like to see K$sha bash in that hag Katy Perry’s face. #
  • 21:39 I just ordered a pair of eyeglasses and am honestly about to puke because of it. #
  • 23:48 When do I get to have a party thrown for ME? Fuck. #
  • ***
  • 00:34 I think Henry missed the memo that told the world Erin hates to be babytalked. #
  • 00:55 I can always count on Silent Library. #
  • 08:46 I’m putting some hawt Xiu Xiu tracks on Henry’s Birthday Party play list. He’s going to be so appreciative. #
  • 10:13 Everyone seems to be in a GREAT mood today! #
  • 11:18 I think my stomach wants to get checked for an ulcer in a decidedly DIY fashion. Henry, grab the steak knife; we’re going in. #
  • 11:54 I’m trying so very hard to let Henry do the things he wants to do today, including watch what he wants to watch on TV OMG IT’S KILLING ME. #
  • 12:26 Henry found out about the 3 Xiu Xiu songs I slipped on his playlist & he made a disapproving face. Way to shit on your bday gift, Hank. #
  • 12:30 OMG Henry shares a birthday w ith @Altpress. I’m fucking jelis. #
  • 13:15 I have a strong desire to watch that old 90s series “Sisters.” #
  • 15:02 MIDLIFE CRISIS: HENRY STYLE. twitpic.com/1ukbs5 #
  • 19:27 My phone was dead for almost the entirety of Henry’s party. Good thing there was literally nothing to tweet about. #
  • 21:34 Henry just showed me the new blog layout he’s been making for me and I could almost kiss him, that’s how much better it is than the current. #
  • 21:34 …and it only took TWO YEARS of my bitching to finally get him to do it. #
  • 21:39 Holy save, Niemi! Go cry about it, Richards! #StanleyCup #
  • 22:12 Henry won’t look at my red eye. That’s just rude. #
  • 23:10 Oh shit. I just asked Henry why he likes his life & he said, “Because you’re in it.” I couldn’t think of anything assholey to say!!! #
  • ***
  • 10:19 I have something really important to announce, but I’m not sure Twitter can handle it. #
  • 10:54 OK. At the risk of bringing Twitter down to its knees, here is my big announcement: I think I have pick eye. Motherfuck. #
  • 10:58 And by pick I mean pink. IT’S AFFECTING MY ALREADY POOR TYPING SKILLZ. #
  • 11:04 Today would be one of those days where eyeglasses might come in handy. But at least i’m no stranger to the one-contact stumble. #
  • 14:21 I don’t know who’s gonna wind up with more emotional scarring in the end: me or my son. Close race. #
  • 15:01 My dream is to someday live in a house with a moat. A trailer in a puddle doesn’t count. #
  • 15:41 My Top 3 Weekly #lastfm artists: Sleeping With Sirens (36), Of Machines (17) and Chiodos (9) #lastfm bit.ly/cShGmp #
  • 17:00 I am a true misfit magnet. #
  • 17:35 I look at these normal ppl wearing their normal ppl eyeglasses and I think, “Why can’t I have that too?” #
  • 20:55 Thought I just saw one of my ex-boyfriends. Which would have been a miracle, considering he’s dead. #
  • 22 :01 Oops. I made Chooch laugh too hard and then I made Henry clean up the vomit that happened. #
  • 22:20 I’m pissed that Drake had to get all selfish & chase his rap career before we got to find out if the experimental surgery worked for Jimmy. #
  • 22:21 If you understood my last tweet, I’m sorry. #
  • 23:21 The 5yo girls in our local Memorial Day Parade dance better than Katy Perry. Her MTV movie award performance was as bad as predicted. #
  • ***
  • 11:56 Chooch & I just came home from a lunch date with Kara & Harland, & managed to not suffer any trauma/public humiliation. Success! #
  • 13:19 First, Chooch and I had a lunch date. Now we’re doing yoga. Is he my son or my bestie? I guess both. #
  • 14:59 My first ever Somnambulant Cupcake Couple wedding cake topper! Custom request for a return customer. twitpic.com/1v39ct #
  • 15:57 I JUST RODE THE ELEVATOR WITH LLLLLASTTTT MAILL!!!!!! #
  • 17:19 Last night I dreamt that there was a contest to win a chance to go to the county fair with me. No one entered. #
  • 19:06 Entirely too often, I feel like Pee Wee having a Big Adventure. #
  • ***
  • 10:47 In my last dream, I pissed off a gaggle of protesters. Some were wearing gas masks. They broke into my house and stole Cure memorabilia. :( #
  • 14:09 I really don’t think door-slamming should officially start until after the 13th birthday, but I don’t have much room to talk. #
  • 15:26 I’m wearing a sweater in June & still shivering. But if it were typical June weather, u can bet I’d complain about that too. It’s how I do. #
  • 16:32 I like how I’m the office weather reporter, since I’m coming in right before everyone else leaves. “Do I need a coat? An umbrella?” #
  • 18:05 What do I do for the proverbial bacon? Babysit lawyers all night, no bigs. #
  • 18:14 & you’d think it’d be a big upgrade from FedEx drivers, but the only difference is the drama-dumps are in couture cloth diapers, not Pampers #
  • 18:54 AHAHAH I just got a reminder that it’s Christina’s, of The Christina Chronicles fame, birthda y. Have a shitty birthday, cunt. #
  • 19:55 Dried papaya. That is all. No wait! Three paperclips. That is all I need to murder the hooker I plan on buying tonight. #
  • 20:13 Every night, Twitter spontaneously reposts a tweet I made hours ago. What bastards. #
  • 20:47 Christ, Byfuglien has been huge in the playoffs. Go #Blackhawks! Make the #Flyers cry in front of their bastard fans. #StanleyCup #
  • 21:12 The Flyers absolutely disgust me. #
  • 21:27 BULLSHIT. Bullshit bullshit bullshit. BUT WAIT, #BLACKHAWKS SCORE ANYWAY! MY HEART, IT YO-YOS! #stanleycup #
  • 22:18 Come on, #Blackhawks. I’m missing the Real World-Road Rules Challenge finale so you better hoist that bastard Cup. #
  • 22:19 Shut up, Pierre. #
  • 22:37 The Hossa curse continues. #StanleyCup #
  • 23:08 FUCKING HELL YEAH #BLACKHAWKS!!!!!! #
  • 23:17 Ten minutes later, Blake goes, “Wait. They just won the Stanley Cup? THIS WAS THE PLAYOFFS???!!!!” #
  • 23:18 This might get me lynched, but I cried a little (good tears) when Toews handed the Cup to Hossa. #
  • ***
  • 00:30 Not sure what’s more annoying: Chooch being awake at 12:30am, or Henry yelling at Chooch for being awake at 12:30. About to Benadryl MYSELF. #
  • 10:37 Dear Ma, Threw up my Cheerios in the cemetery. Don’t worry: It didn’t get on anyone this time. #
  • 12:13 Chooch just said that he’s “so pissed off” because SYTYCD is making me cry. #
  • 12:39 Now Chooch is even MORE pissed because SYTYCD is still making me cry while he’s TRYING TO READ THE PENNYSAVER, GODDAMMIT. #
  • 14:41 I love it when Henry falls asleep while I’m talking to him. Makes me feel good, like important and shit. #
  • 14:44 Oh hay, guess who dropped a pant size? OK I’ll just tell you: THIS BROAD. Must be from all the pukin’. #
  • 14:52 Hay look @ the dumb! OH SHIT, I found all these old pictures from some rickety mall parking lot carnival Henry and… bit.ly/b97wO3 #
  • 15:31 Oh shit, I kind of feel like I want pearls. What’s wrong with me?! (Aside from the fact that I’ve always idolized those Dynasty broads.) #
  • 21:40 Mia Michaels’ hair is growing back so I might have to b e hot for her again. #
  • 21:44 The problem with Chooch’s hairstyle is that when it’s not in a faux hawk, he just looks like Gummo. #
  • ***
  • 09:28 Just wasted precious moments of my life miming the process of Henry buying cat food. To my cats. They’re glaring at me next to empty bowls. #
  • 11:44 Henry hasn’t returned w/ the food yet & my cats are DYING OF HUNGER. Sarah MacLachlan’s “Angel” plays everwhere they drag their fat bellies #
  • 13:00 Ooooh, hot sugar-cured ham, you know I mean business when I trade out obscenities fro DELI MEATS. #
  • 13:07 A guy used to follow me on here& correct all my typos. His weener woulda shrunk if he saw that I left a “y” out of “everywhere” 2 tweets ago #
  • 13:08 And used fro instead of for! Mama’s on a hot ass pastrami roll on this day! #
  • 13:23 Uploading videos on YouTube like it’s 2005. At least I’m ahead of the pack on other thing s! Like losing credibility. #
  • 14:51 Trying out my visual finger quotes with Sharpie before I go for the permanent plunge. I THINK ITS RAD, OK. #
  • 15:50 Today’s hi-light driving downtown: Henry made an old black lady drop her food all over the street b/c she thought he was going to hit her. #
  • 15:53 Now we’re playing “Pregnant or Beer Belly?” & I might be late for work. Worth it. #
  • 17:07 Last Mail was a weak one today. #
  • 20:24 Hello! Hi! I’ve been drinking soapy water all night, it appears. #
  • 23:47 Just found out that HENRY had pretzel m&ms & didnt tell me; am now interrogating him like he just fucked a Walmart greeter. #
  • ***
  • 00:44 You know you must be really doing a lousy job if I TELL you you’re doing a lousy job because I never say “lousy.” #
  • 01:44 I still think Trey Songz is the hottest guy in the world on the current. No, I will not entertain your argument. #
  • 11:04 Chooch gets to meet his Aunt Amy and cousin Brooke for the first time today! It’s a Big Deal. #
  • 11:18 I just asked Henry why I’m so unlikeable in the blog world & he’s beginning his dissertation on the matter right now. :( #
  • 12:28 My niece is so fucking cute! In other news, I’m still cripplingly awkward around children. #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter. Now you can rest easy, knowing my (sometimes incriminating) inner-most thoughts, actions and tampon-change. Please do not call the FBI.

Choose Your Words Carefully

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.