Jul 042010
 

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

  • 14:36 There’s no listing in the Yellow Pages for gaydar repair. Motherbitch. #
  • 15:44 Me: which team does the blue guy belong to? Henry: yeah, that’s the ref. I did not know that. #
  • 15:48 Whoever coined the phrase “being dicked around” must’ve been a lez b/c literally being dicked around feels better than having plans blown #
  • 16:26 I do believe I’m gaining a reputation with all the area eye doctors. #
  • 17:03 It’s surprising America hasn’t tried to abolish soccer. Something we’re not good at?!?! THEN NO ONE CAN ENJOY IT! #
  • 17:59 Alisha, on wearing the same contacts I got at my eye appt: wasn’t that a mth ago? Me: 4 wks. Alisha: last time I checked that’s a month. #
  • 21:04 Sitting in a BP parking lot, looking like a creep. There, I did my part. Fuck the oil menstruation! #
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  • 02:00 Spent the last few hrs drinking wine outside w/ Mose like a real adult, & engaged in convo so awesome I didn’t have time to tweet. WHAT. #
  • 02:03 Apparently i’m “such a crybaby” for puckering my mouth after Henry served me a bowl of the tartest fruit this side of the Bunny Ranch. #
  • 09:55 Tried to eat cereal while wearing my glasses. My chin, cleavage & person I keep chained under the computer desk thanked me for breakfast. #
  • 13:51 Just learned that Chooch walked past a transvestite yesterday & said “Thats not a GIRL.” Seeing Chooch in my heels just now reminded Henry. #
  • 14:09 <3 Kellin Quinn so much today. #
  • 15:13 Henry just suggested I make a CD full of all the songs that make me want to die so he can see what happens when I get to the end. #
  • 15:34 ATTENTION! THERE IS A RED PONTIAC PARKED OVER THE YELLOW LINES! DON’T WORRY! NEIGHBOR RUTH WILL GET TO THE BOTTOM OF IT! #
  • 15:48 I guess seeing Chooch in my heels earlier is what spawned Henry to dress him in a wife beater & camo shorts. Now he looks like a Chino thug. #
  • 16:51 Asked H enry why our kid can’t just be normal but then realized what a retarded question that was. #
  • 17:57 Henry’s having an impromptu cookout, lecturing Alisha and me about the intricacies of grilling. twitpic.com/20jxwg #
  • 18:11 Hot Naybor Chris is assisting some stoned guy jump his car. Henry’s weener shrinks a little each time someone else gets to be a hero. #
  • 19:10 My Top 3 Weekly #lastfm artists: Pierce the Veil (14), Keyshia Cole (2) and We Are the In Crowd (1) #la stfm bit.ly/cShGmp #
  • 20:23 Tonight: 1 pick-up game of #thingieball, 2 feuding 4yo’s, 8 hobo boots worth of sweat, & tons of neighbor-watching. (AKA spying.) #
  • 23:45 Having flashbacks to when I was nearly gang-raped by 20 squirrels at the cemetery today. Harrowing, to put it lightly. #
  • 23:47 As opposed to putting it heavily, which next time i will once I learn how to attach cinderblocks & Oprah’s scooped-out boob fat to tweets. #
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  • 10:31 Goddamn Kennywood bit.ly/daIjB5 #
  • 10:55 Asked Chooch if he thinks our cat Marcy is pretty and he said, “Not really. She looks just like evil.” #
  • 11:41 This is how i dressed in 1999, only sometimes I wore pants: ow.ly/i/2iUn #
  • 15:15 Oh, every single day before April 25, 2006, how I miss thee. #
  • 15:22 An Un-Ironic Post Card: P1010028, originally uploaded by appledale. My friend Mose came over Saturday night to dri… bit.ly/aZxgWi #
  • 17:52 The winner of the photo contest gets a night’s stay in a hotel in PA & I’m like, “yes plz get me the fuck out of my house.” #
  • 18:46 Did not get to see my crush today but the ni ght is still kind of going fast. I seriously expected to be dumped with tar for typing that. #
  • 20:19 This is me begging: So today I submitted a photo to some Visit PA Facebook contest. Naturally, there are only two … bit.ly/a5Bmfa #
  • 20:36 Was just successfully convinced by a lawyer here to go to a doctor. She had me at “tubes in the ear.” #
  • 21:48 When it come to keeping my pants on in this house, i’m in the minority. #
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  • 00:44 Wasn’t expecting to love Daybreakers. #
  • 11:05 The first step really is the hardest. I hope I’m doing the right thing. #
  • 12:37 Sometimes the best remedy really is slapping on headphones (not that earbud bullshit) & listening to screamo. (Real screamo.) #
  • 13:08 I hate when I record the local news because an eye witness makes me laugh uncontrollably, but Henry doesn’t think it’s funny. #
  • 15:09 I’m really tired of feeling like my heart is going to explode EVERY DAY before I leave for work. Every day. #
  • 15:11 This made me LOL: RT @scottheisel Way to go, Spin, part two: This *definitely* isn’t Bryce Avary of @therocketsummer: bit.ly/cBWMwg #
  • 15:13 What business does shitty Spin magazine have writing about Warped Tour. Leave that to @altpress. #
  • 16:15 Aw man. Why does the ringing in my ear today sound like Clay Aiken impersonating dolphins? #
  • 18:53 Oh, how awkward. Or I should say: Oh, how usual. #
  • 19:20 I must REALLY have lost my touch if I’m asking HENRY for flirting tips. #
  • 23:58 Nilka on Hell’s Kitchen looks so much like (a black) Christina I nearly can’t watch.Sorry for yr misfortune Nilka. twitpic.com/21539o #
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  • 00:12 If you’re pissed like me that ABC’s Happy Town is getting screwed, you’ll enjoy this: bit.ly/haplinmagicman #
  • 08:49 Hey, let’s talk about my glasses.: Don’t worry, I only let him wear theses for &gt;10 seconds, for fear of his eyebal… bit.ly/c5stMb #
  • 10:33 So not hot eno ugh today in the cemetery. How will I collapse from heat exhaustion?? #
  • 11:19 I just spoke to a cop without it ending in a torrent of cursing and the threat of arrest. WTF. #
  • 12:20 Let’s for a minute pretend that I’m a sweet virgin prairie girl. …. Yeah, I’m bored with that now, too. #
  • 12:29 Nothing like a friendly sprint to the front door with my son, loser gets locked out. #
  • 13:48 When I’m outside with 12 neighborhood kids dripping off me like pigs blood on Carrie, you can just call me Miss Erin. #
  • 14:05 I’m in child Hell. Where are all the par ents? & I’m pretty sure I’m now an official MILF thanks to the googoo eyes I’m getting from a 10yo. #
  • 15:35 Henry’s guess for the band i’m listening to: Silence Is Better Than This. ;( #
  • 15:39 One more week til my Christmas Day. My belly does somersaults every time I think about it! #
  • 18:16 Just spent the last 10min talking about & watching YouTube videos of Nancy Kerrigan’s WHYYYY & cracking up with my boss & Barb. #
  • 20:46 I’m sitting alone downtown waiting for my ride when some guy walked toward me, fast & with purpose. I almost peed. Then he smiled & said hi. #
  • 20:47 Erin lives to see another day! #
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  • 10:22 I love it when I get emails from Vistaprint, telling me what I deserve. #
  • 11:10 A Conversation with a Cop: It’s not really an unknown fact that I frequent several of the cemeteries around Pittsb… bit.ly/dkOYwo #
  • 12:29 Oh yay, now there’s a new kid out here for me to watch. #
  • 13:31 Goodbye, Sarge. You’ll always be a Penguin to me. #NHL #
  • 13:35 July 1 never fails to be a one-two punch of heartache and excitement. #NHL #
  • 13:40 Whoever bought Chooch this scooter is a fucking bastard. #
  • 14:04 Apparently my “block babysitter” woes aren’t important enuf for Henry to take seriously. I HAD A STRESSFUL DAY CHASING BALLS INTO TRAFFIC. #
  • 14:40 I really am not a fan of children. #
  • 16:25 I just had a 1 minute convo with a co-worker and didn’t hear a word she said. Being half deaf is fantastic! #
  • 17:59 I don’t know what’s worse: being flashed by the annoying 50yo coworker or being assaulted by the converted 1980s pantsuit she has on today. #
  • 18:06 Honestly, I got no game with the ladies. This is just sad. #
  • 18:3 1 Oh with the rate tonight is going, combined with my feverish giddiness, my composure is gonna be more blown than Kate Moss’s nose. #
  • 19:39 I’m still trying to figure out what’s so shocking about Craig Owens signing to Decaydance. Like that couldn’t be seen a mile away. #
  • 21:21 That was a confusing elevator ride that couldn’t end soon enough/ended much too soon. I’m home now, ready to bury my face in a pillow. #
  • 22:55 I wish the rest of Jonny Craig would hurry up and mature like his voice has. Shit. #
  • 23:25 I Still Feel Her pts 1-4 could very well be the biography of my 20s. #
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  • 01:21 OH SHIT NEW DEGRASSI EPS STARTING JULY 19, WHAT. #
  • 10:55 Either my glasses are windows into the Netherworld, or I’m suffering eye trauma. #
  • 12:48 One way to REALLY frustrate my son is by not playing Zombies correctly. He hates me and my incompetence right now. OMG HALP. #
  • 13:35 Chooch literally chased the UPS man down the street, yelling WHERE’S MY TOY, DUMBASS? I’m like “dude, you gotta ORDER it 1st.” #
  • 13:44 Inexplicably, my 4 year old is very concerned with the whereabouts of Kurt Vonnegut’s dead body. #
  • 16:25 We’re both wearing purple today! OMG. A true sign for sure. #
  • 17:35 I look like I belong in a Mark Ryden painting today. #
  • 18:57 That may have been my most dramatic paper cut to date. #
  • 19:08 Shit that makes summer suck :   This photo has nothing to do with anything. You may continue. You know what I hate… bit.ly/bwxXyK #
  • 20:56 Didn’t get to leave work early as expected but got a really fantastic ice cream sandwich & hit on outside my building. #
  • 21:57 Just shivered w/ anticipation at the thought of spending all day tmw without my child, who’s currently actin’ a dick.. THANK YOU, ALISHA! #
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  • 01:02 I AM SO GIDDY AT MARK’S WITH ALISHA AND TELLING THEM ABOUT MY CRUSH AND ITS RIDICULOUS. help. #
  • 01:12 Alisha had a food day. I don’t know what that means, because everyday is a food day for me, but she said it 5x so I guess it’s a big deal. #
  • 01:19 Now we’re talking about chandeliers. Because Mark is gay. #
  • 09:18 En route to the doctor, motherfucker. #
  • 09:29 Oh my god I’m in the waiting room and now I’m stuck here because they have my license. There’s NO TURNING BACK. #
  • 09:53 Hopefully I’ll be able to hear again soon. Partial deafness makes me paranoid & slightly more awkward. Makes for weird work situations. #
  • 10:12 Every one I talk to here looks at me like I’m a freak. I’m just a little overdramatic when it comes to my health, I guess. #
  • 10:42 I CAN HEAR AGAIN! #
  • 13:33 OMG BUTLER COUNTY FAIR! #
  • 13:33 We haven’t been here for 15min and Alisha already cracked her collarbone. #
  • 14:17 I’m religious now! #
  • 14:22 Alisha, regarding my want of a caricature: But I don’t think they’ll be able to get your head any bigger than it already is. (Its true.) #

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