Aug 192022
 

Jumping out of order here, but on our way home from New Jersey, we stopped at Hershey Park for a do-over of our 2021 trip which was actual madness. This time, it wasn’t nearly as crowded (that is to say, we didn’t need to splurge on Fast Lane or whatever they call their fast pass) but I still walked away from the park with a not-so-sweet taste in my mouth. I can’t really put my finger on it, but it just feels so overrated to me?? Am I wrong?? Clearly, every other thoosie out there will excommunicate me from the club if they knew my opinion.

Anyway, I’ll just post some pictures and a few bulletpoints because we were only there from around 11:30 to 5:00 and nothing super memorable happened except for hating the family behind us on the walk to the gate, with a mom who kept gushing over her son toddler-ish Logan. “LOGAN, HOW ARE YOU SO CUTE??” she screamed at one point, to which Chooch tossed a disinterested glance over his shoulder and mumbled, “He’s really not, though.”

  • Chooch managed to get all of his missing coaster creds, except for COCOA CRUISER which we didn’t even know existed until several days later. It’s the kiddie coaster and I have no idea where it is in the park because Hershey is a clusterfuck to navigate. I am not going back for him to obtain this credit until they get an RMC, which RUMOR HAS IT will be happening next year. Literally the only way Hershey will ever get me to come back, unless I come across free passes. Then, maybe.

  • In line for Storm Runner, which was quite controversially closed when we were there last year and I had super high expectations for this Intamin, but after it cruised back into the brake run, all I could say was, “That was it?” AM I TOO PICKY NOW?? Am I a coaster hipster?! I felt the same way about Fahrenheit, which was also closed last year. These two were my most anticipated and I was really disappointed by both.

  • I will say though that the retheming of their standard, run-of-the-mill Vekoma boomerang is really fun though. It’s now themed after Jolly Ranchers and before each cycle, the lights in the station change and land on whichever flavor you’re gonna get. And by that, I mean that they built a tunnel that emits SCENTS when the coaster goes through it, so it’s supposed to stink like whatever color you get. Ours was green apple (ugh) and it didn’t really smell like it, but it was still a fun experience. Also, we waited in line for at least 45 minutes which I would never do for any old Boomerang.

 

  • Are you all Jolly Rancher’d out yet? BUT WAIT, THAT’S NOT ALL…
    • We got some Jolly Rancher sorbet. It was ok! Ironically, I liked the green apple best because the texture was like a sweet cloud lol.

  • We rode Skyrush and it was less painful for me this time. Henry didn’t ride it last year and thought I was exaggerating about the painful restraints (it has the nickname ThighCrush because of it!) but when we were standing in line, he started seeing girls getting off the ride with red welt across their thighs. MMHMM!!! I was so worried about self-stapling during the ride that I couldn’t enjoy myself. Rollercoasters should not be so painful that you have to watch How To Not Get Stapled on Skyrush videos on YouTube. Ridiculous.
  • The only ride there that I truly love and do not mind waiting in line for is the B&M invert, Great Bear. This ride is so great! But because it’s my favorite, Chooch was a big baby about getting into line because it was “too long.” It wasn’t any longer of a wait than that damn boomerang but OK SON. So then Henry was all, “I’ll ride it with you, please don’t throw a fit!” But by that time, Chooch had decided to be a martyr and also got in line so we ended up all riding it – yay, I win! In line, some kid had his hands up and out the entire time, waiting for someone to high five him but I watched him cough and sneeze into his hands and then wipe his nose with them too so NOPE. I’M GOOD. Also, a little girl got her legs stuck in the queue fence so that was exciting too. Really fun and entertaining line!

  • Fighting in line.
  • I just really love Great Bear so much. From the moment it started, I could feel the smile on my face and when I looked at the on-ride photo afterward, I looked SO CONTENT. Chooch and I actually had identical smiles on our precious faces and Henry just looked like Henry: unamused, having zero ounces of fun.

  • Then we had to spend an obnoxious amount of time at this stupid game, waiting for the ONE KID WORKING to NOTICE US, SEMPAI and give Chooch the fucking basket of balls that he paid for but instead, he kept getting snagged by all the bitchy soccer moms wanting to exchange the stuffed animals their kids won for OTHER COLORS. Oh my god, give me a break. And the lady next to us must have spent $100 on her three sons just in the amount of time we were there and Henry spat, “THOSE KIDS ARE SPOILED.” Sing it, Henry.
  • Finally got his basket of balls after I leaned across the counter and yelled, “EXCUSE ME” like a fucking no-good Karen but look, I was trying to LEAVE this park OK and the only thing standing between me and the exit was this dorky teenaged worker and his inability to multi-task.
    • All of that, and Chooch lost bigly.

HIGHLIGHTS:

  • Great Bear
  • Chooch getting his creds that he missed last year
  • The bucket of chocolate chip cookies Henry bought on the way out

LOWLIGHTS:

  • That fucking game
  • Candymonium being down on our way out of the park

MIDLIGHTS:

  • Everything else

Am I a hater?!!? I literally can’t tell. Hershey seems like the fucking DARLING PARK for all enthusiasts out there and maybe I need an official invitation to the Hershey circle jerk, but I just don’t get it? The coaster line-up isn’t *that* great, IMO. Am I being super unreasonable here?! Basically, in that amount of time, we rode 5 coasters. We didn’t even bother walking over to the side of the park where Wildcat (RIP) is even though I would have liked to have ridden Lightning Racer again because that was one of the coasters that I truly enjoyed when we visited in 2021, but at that point, I just wanted to complete the ERRANG COASTER CREDS mission and go the hell home.

Choose Your Words Carefully

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.