Crapper For All

Bayernhof Music Museum, Part 1

“We’re going to be so late!” I cried to Andrea, after she had purposely tried to sleep through our appointment at the Bayernhof Music Museum last week. She was against this part of the Pittsburgh itinerary from the get-go, especially after I had Wendy call and make us a tour appointment when we were hanging [...]

Tuesday Night Craft Plight

I’m not a crafter at all. Give me craft supplies and the end result will be nothing short of a horrific eyesore, with a trail of blood and tears in its wake. But when Brandy gave me her Santa Voodoo doll tutorial to post on my blog, I was inspired to make one myself, but [...]

Field Trip Fuckarow, Symphony Edition: Part 1

It’s really tempting for me to type this whole thing as a CAPSLOCK extravaganza, but I am going to try to write like an adult. (Well, my version of “adult,” anyway. The XXX kind.) “So then stop chaperoning these field trips if it sucks so bad, dumb ass.” Right, that’s what you’re thinking isn’t it? [...]

Crack Heads & Romania, But Never Romanian Crack Heads

On the phone this morning with Henry, I was spazzing out about a horrible dream I had about Jonny Craig, in which he was so much of a crack addict that he was beginning to lose his teeth. Even now, when I shut my eyes, I can see him with his mouth open all wide [...]

Erin Reports for Jury Duty

I kind of always wanted to get summoned for jury duty. Not that I think it’s glamorous or fun, but fuck–what a prime opportunity to people-watch, right? And that’s kind of my thing. A few weeks ago, I got my official notice in the mail, filled it out immediately and tucked it back in the [...]

Applegate

Or: How Barb Found Another Way To Ruin My Life Or: That Fucking Tomato, The Sequel Before Barb left work on Monday, she had to go and fuck up my whole world by offering me an apple. I just smiled and said thanks, but what was really happening at that moment was that a vignette [...]

The Goddamn Field Trip, v.2.0 (feat. a brief Henry J. Robbins interview!)

All you really need to know about me before jumping into this is that I hate doing shit with kids, so for the sake of my fingertips, let’s just pretend for a minute that there are already four paragraphs written in my usual long-windedly verbose style illustrating my hate for the pumpkin patch/kids/being around kids/riding school buses/moms/being a mom. [...]

That Fucking Tomato

One of my co-workers called out to me from her office, “Do you like tomatoes?” That’s a loaded question. I suppose I do like tomatoes, but only on certain occasions, in certain foods and sliced in certain ways. But this was coming from a co-worker that I’m not very close with; not wanting to engage [...]

A Thursday in Tennessee

(These are the companion photos to this post, which I wrote while still in Gatlinburg. I miss Gatlinburg. Also, I have not been able to go back and check out all my horrendous typos borne from a writing-derelict like myself using a PHONE to blog.) In the AM: It was all downhill from here. (Except [...]

School Volunteering Drama

I’m really not cut out to be the mother of an elementary school-aged child (just as I wasn’t cut out to be the mother of an infant, toddler or preschooler). Chooch has been bringing home such staggering amounts of fundraising bullshit, financial forms (I cover my face with my hair every time I walk past the [...]

Wacky Worm in the Law Firm

When I launch a new obsession, I of course want to share this with my work friends. For example, the Wacky Worm. I was hoping it would become a wide-spread sensation, culminating in a department field trip to DelGrosso’s, which is a semi-local amusement that has A PERMANENT WACKY WORM, ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME. [...]

Erin & Henry Go To Cleveland: a Vintage Video from 2004

Also known as: HOW ARE THEY STILL TOGETHER?! A couple of you (literally, two people) expressed interest in seeing this video of Henry and me in Cleveland back in 2004. We were there for Curiosa, but I talked Henry into going a day early so we could do touristy things. And by touristy, I clearly [...]

Pets, or Appetite Suppressants?

I bought Chooch some Aquasaurs for his birthday, this intriguing kit of “prehistoric water pets.”  We apparently can’t have normal pets in this house. The first batch of “eggs” I dumped into the water never hatched. I bitched for awhile about how they were duds, but then Henry tried the second half of the batch [...]

Erin Versus Absinthe

Many years ago, when I was friends with that crazy lady Cinn, she was dead set on making her own absinthe. “I found a place on the Internet where we can buy wormwood!” she squealed. She said “we” when she meant “you” because I was the one with mommy’s American Express. I was nineteen, extremely [...]

<3 on the Roller Rink

I wasn’t looking for love at Soul Skate. It was hotter than Snookie’s kooka in that joint and really all I was focused on was not melting into a flesh-puddle while rollin’ to Justin Timberlake’s “Summer Love,” which I never realized just how truly anthemic that song really is until I had quads laced to [...]

Waterbreak ’11

Recommended: watching your co-workers react to someone’s water breaking. It’s exhilarating, high-energy drama. It all started around 4:30 on Wednesday. I was REALLY BUSY, working HARD and DILIGENTLY, when Sandy walked over to my desk, looking all pale and scared-rabbit. All I managed to decipher from her hushed tone was “bathroom” and “water broke.” I [...]

LiveJournal Repost: I Hate Littering THIS MUCH

I’m taking the day off. (Because I do SO MUCH on here, you know.) So here is an oldie about littering and cops, and cops who litter.     Another Reason to Hate the 5-0 May 2007 It was the middle of a lazy Saturday afternoon in Hamilton, Ohio. Christina and I were lounging around [...]

Henry’s Worst Idea To Date: Homemade Lollipops

Get fucked. All the pre-school kids get to bring in treats on their birthday. Since there was no school on Monday, Chooch is bringing shit in tomorrow. I thought perhaps Henry could bake some cupcakes; Chooch suggested cookies. But Henry went off on his own and decided to make chocolate lollipops. He bought three different [...]

Law Firm Lamb Cake

A few months ago, someone was trying to get my work friend Kaitlin to buy a lamb-shaped cake pan that they didn’t need anymore. Included in the email he sent to her was a picture of what the finished product could conceivably look like, so she sent it to Barb and me because it was so [...]

My First Post-Craig Chiodos Show

We were on our way to take family photos in Mingo Park when Blake told me. “Craig was kicked out of Chiodos,” he said from the backseat. I laughed. “No seriously, my friend Gavin just read it on MySpace.” “No,” I said with firm disbelief, but I doubted my tone, like a wife being told [...]