The Pie Party That Almost Didn’t Happen

It didn’t seem like the Pie Party was going to be very successful. We didn’t get to the pavilion with enough time to decorate properly, not to mention Henry rented the largest pavilion and then only bought THREE tablecloths. He also forgot to bring the votive holders for all the pumpkin candles we bought, so he had to run to a nearby craft store to rectify that.

He left me with Chooch, who was being antagonized to death by Blake and his hyper-annoying friend Artie, who was actually pretty entertaining but I would never let him know that. Besides, he made fun of the Cure, so we have big beef now.

Chooch literally did nothing but cry hysterically the entire 30 minutes Henry was gone. The tablecloths I did have kept getting blown off by strong autumnal gusts.  My head was starting to hurt from all the screaming and crying between Chooch and the two teenage boys who should have been smoking a joint in the woods, not torturing a FOUR YEAR OLD. It was 80 degrees and I was sweating. I kept praying for Jessy to get there because she has a very calming effect on me, but she ended up getting held up with work stuff and was two hours late.  I kind of just stood around in the middle of the pavilion, which had a very distinct non-party feel, and panicked.

Then I had one of my signature “WHY DID I THINK THIS WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA?!” break-downs and considered suffocating myself in Henry’s avocado pie.

And of course, the first guests arrived just in time to see that there was no party. (Surprise! YOU’RE the pie! Boys, go get Mama her hatchet.)

And of course, it would happen to be my friend Shannon whom I hadn’t seen since senior year of high school.

I rushed out to the parking lot to meet her and her friend Bill and before I even said hello, I blurted out, “We are woefully unprepared!” They admitted that they weren’t even sure they had the right place since absolutely nothing was going on inside the pavilion aside from one sad girl, standing around confused and dejected. What a great impression I gave them of my party planning prowess.

Henry finally came back with ice and tablecloths but STILL forgot the votive holders. I was all riled up about that for a few seconds until I saw that he bought a few bottles of wine while I was stranded in Hell’s Playground. I was OK after that. And then more people started arriving in clumps and I was sort of shocked. Because generally, in my party planning experiences, people SAY that they’re going to come and then they don’t come. But that’s good, because it only makes it extra-special when guests DO come.

And everyone brought a pie.

In addition to Shannon, two other people I haven’t seen since high school came: John and his wife Jennifer (who also loves the Cure) came with two pies and their three adorable kids, and Ron came with his friend Chrissy¹. The last time I saw Ron, I was 18 and trudging through my one and only shift at a local restaurant, where he was dining with his brother.  He probably doesn’t even remember that, but I do because my memory is ridiculous. (Just not when I need it to be, like Saturday night when my friend Jen/Bonecrusher² and I were at Haunted Hills Estate and I made our team lose a challenge because I was SO SURE my memory was right when we had to put pictures in the correct order.)

Pie Party people, in a pie procession

When my friend Lisa arrived with her husband Matt, I rushed their car and squealed, “I had a party and people came!” With Lisa there, it was like a mini-high school reunion. I was happy that my lame idea for a party had turned into a very Rockwell-esque scene of people coming together.

So there was the Thomas Jefferson High School table, and then there was The Law Firm table. Usually, I can never get people from any of my jobs to come to my parties. Probably because their pimps won’t give them time off. But apparently my current co-workers are awesome and didn’t think I was lame for inviting them to a pie party. They didn’t even act suspicious like some of my friends did! Kaitlin couldn’t make it and we were all very sad, not because we like her, but because she was going to attempt to make a pie constructed of an array of her famous French macarons in pie flavors. No, seriously – orgasmic baked goods or not, we all love Kaitlin and it sucked that she couldn’t be there to sit at the cool work table with Barb, Wendy and her husband Shawn, Sandy, and Jeannie. And best of all, me. That’s OK, because someone suggested having a cupcake party next, and you better believe I will sit down with Kaitlin and her calendar before setting a date for that one.

Jeannie’s name tag was a direct reflection of her sparkling attitude!

My Grandma Lois and Aunt Charmaine came with a pie, as well as Moon Dough, which was the sleeper hit of the day. I’m pretty sure every pie party attendee inadvertently took some of it home with them.

Gina³ and Amber (whose name I temporarily forgot because I had been DRINKING and she wouldn’t let me live it down for the rest of the day, and probably not ever, assuming she would even hang out with me again after I committed such a faux pas!) hung out at the kids table with Chooch, churning out Moon Doughed puppies and milk bones. Gina adoringly called it the Moon Dough puppy mill and now I know what to get her for Christmas.

Amber said her favorite part of the pie party was during the first hour, when Chooch (still being bullied by TEENAGERS) sat under a picnic table and cried, “I HATE THIS PARTY!” But then he caught wind of the fact that John’s little girl was there dressed like a princess and you could almost see his mind thinking, “Who’s this hottie?” and he was pretty much at her side the rest of the afternoon.

I might have also plied Gina with pie in an effort to convince her to go to a haunted house with me. I think I have her worn down. I can be quite needling.

“Who wants pie when there’s Moon Dough to ingest?” Harland thinks, willing Kara to bring him closer.

Somehow, with the multitudes of pies that filled nearly the whole length of two pushed-together picnic tables, there was not one duplicate. I’m going to try and remember every type of pie that was there that day. Because I know the five people reading this absolutely lurched forward in anticipation.

Coconut cream – Henry’s mom, and Kelly and her brood

Pumpkin – Shannon and Bill (This was the first pie to be devoured.)

Pumpkin mousse – Gina and Amber (Somehow there was a tiny bit leftover and Blake was prepared to shank a bitch for it.)

Blackberry – Wendy and Shawn

Apple – John and Jennifer (OMG it was the best apple pie I’ve ever had & I’m still talking about it with Henry, because that’s what fat girls do – talk about pie. 24:7. Sometimes I even draw pie doodles on my desk at work.)

Hershey chocolate pie – Chooch’s girlfriend, Abby (Huge hit with the kids!)

Cream and Sugar – Henry

Avocado with citrus whipped cream – Henry (It turned into pudding; good job, Martin Stewart.)

Strawberry Rhubarb – Lisa and Matt (she made it herself and it was amazing!)

Banana Cream – Jessy, and I will not give Tommy credit (This is one of my all-time faves so she scored points.)

Lemon – Charmaine and Grandma Lois (I didn’t get to have any, but everyone kept raving about it.  I lose.)

Pecan – Barb

Some delicious fruit mixture – Jeannie (She said it was just blueberry, but I’m pretty sure she’s wrong. She’s wrong about a LOT of things. I know this because she likes the FLYERS.)

Red raspberry – Kara

Pomegranate mousse (pictured above) – Ron (It was amazing and exciting! Clearly, I like weird pie flavors.)

Pie tastes best when wearing a cape. Everyone knows that.

Lisa brought her dog, Tucker. We ate him, too.

Matt serves himself pie while talking on the phone. He must be a professional of some sort.

The real winner here was Blake, who walked away with a stack of pie plates stacked so high, it looked like he walked out of a cartoon.

“My mom doesn’t feed me,” was his defense.

And of course, in spite of Henry rushing out to purchase extra tablecloths, everyone chose to sit at the bare picnic tables.

It was a great day, filled with delicious pies, great weather and awesome people. Since it wasn’t a failure, let’s do it again! Say, next weekend?

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¹Henry’s mom knew her. Henry’s mom knows EVERYONE. It’s kind of disgusting. I can only hope to grow up and be half as popular as her.

² I prefer calling Jen by her roller derby name because it’s more fun. Also because it’s the first name I knew her by. Also, I didn’t know how to spell her name until I saw her write it out on our challenge card. I win at friendships.

³Gina is the result of my lame blog helping me make new friends. She lives in the same little town as me, and this was the third time we hung out. But it was the FIRST time we hung out in a non-creepy environment so I think we’re making headway on our blossoming friendship. Though, Henry was there, in the pavilion. So never mind. Still a creepy environment.