You probably know by now that my most favoritest thing in the whole entire world is making fun of Henry. It’s quite honestly the only thing that has kept me with him for the last ten years. In some twisted way, he’s my muse. Just not the kind of muse he’d prefer to be.
For almost all of those last ten years, my favorite genre in the oeuvre of Henry Bashing is one I like to call Hot For Neighbor. (I just gave it that title right now, can you tell?) Why should Henry be able to talk to our neighbor Chris without me weaving a web of homosexuality around it? I try to take pictures of them whenever they’re together, like last year when I came home and found them in the driveway drinking Straub together! Or the time they were “doing yard work” simultaneously at dusk and while I was taking pictures from the bedroom window, the flash accidentally went off, prompting Chris to ask Henry, “Did you see that?” and Henry mumbled, “No.” BECAUSE HE KNEW.
Chris even made it into the Hoover Calendar. (My LiveJournal nickname for Henry was Hoover, naturally because he sucks the fun out of everything. And Ruby was my nick name for awhile.) I’m not sure how I’m going to manage when we’re not neighbors anymore.
Unless, of course, I kill him. Then we can ALWAYS BE NEIGHBORS.
So, imagine my delight when I walked down the driveway yesterday and found Henry and Chris FIXING AN A/C UNIT TOGETHER. You better believe I ran back in the house with more zeal than Rapture-heads waiting to be Godnapped and began taking (noisy) clandestine photos from the dining room window.
I will end this with a Hot Naybor Chris-centric entry from Henry’s fake diary, Me Hoover:
Tue, May. 27th, 2008, 06:44 pmhay u guyz i am sure u is all waiting to read about how amazin’ i am with grillin’ meat on the grill since yeserday was memroial day and all, but i have something even more specktacklar to say.
i wanted to cut the grass on saturday but the Mower was broked down. I was out there in the yard like for ever trying to fix it and then 2 little boys walked by and stopped to watch prolly because of the way my big mussles ripple when i pull back that cord thingie to start up the Mower, u no? rUBY said it was prolly cuz they was makin’ fun of me but i was like fuck that noise byotch like she even noes what the fuck a Mower is.
any way, so CHRIS (omg omg) cums out and is all “hay buddy lets do this thang” and so together it only took CHris and me THREE HOURS to fix it. here r sum pics:
OMG it was so hard to not look at CHRiss big ass sock crotch. i wish i looked good in tucked-in shirts like he does!!!!! like a real man and shit.
then we moved to the bottom of the driveway and i got down real low like that song about the APPLEBOTTUM JEENS, hoping that CHRis would try to ride me or something. it was nice to have some privisy back there but then i hear asshole RUby laffin’ from the dining room window. at least she tooked this good picture of me and CHRis working HARD together, hard like my weeenr!!!
i got to meet my other naybors boyfriend. his name is MARK and he is black. i does not have black freinds but he shooked my hand and then said hi to me yesterday during the parade so that means we is freinds now rite? so i can haz street cred finaly? he was warin’ a bandana to!!!!!!
look at chris’s HOT ASS.
SUCKSESS!!! look at how hardassed i am!!!!!!! and RUBy knewed it to which is why she was at the door takin’ pictshures of me.
Anyway, these pictures show up on my phone but not on my work computer. It’s one of those awesome blog mysteries that someone should blog about in the blog bible.