Sep 082011

I’m really not cut out to be the mother of an elementary school-aged child (just as I wasn’t cut out to be the mother of an infant, toddler or preschooler). Chooch has been bringing home such staggering amounts of fundraising bullshit, financial forms (I cover my face with my hair every time I walk past the office) and parent questionnaires (and HOMEWORK OUT THE ASS) that I’m feeling so overwhelmed. I cringe each time I open his backpack now.

On top of the fundraising shit (anyone in the market for a curling iron cozy or Jesus dish towels?), there are unlimited papers begging for volunteers. Market Day volunteers, holiday party volunteers (never again), other volunteering options that I can’t remember because I never finished reading the forms. But my favorite was a sign -up sheet for parents who are willing to come to class and speak about their occupations or talents.

Even if I weren’t petrified of interacting with waist-high children, what the fuck would I have to offer? Seriously. Talking about my occupation would take approximately 30 seconds.

“Hi, small children. I scan papers at a law firm. Sometimes I scowl at a spreadsheet. Then I blog on company time. I’d probably have really awesome things to tell you right now but instead I CHOSE TO HAVE A KID.”

Seriously, the end.

And talents? What talents do I have?

“Hi, small children. I write Christmas poems about serial killers and photoshop weeners all over pictures of my boyfriend. YES THAT’S RIGHT, YOUR FRIEND RILEY [see also: Chooch] IS A BASTARD. I also excel at character defamation.”

Maybe Henry can just go and talk about driving a fork lift.

  7 Responses to “School Volunteering Drama”

  1. This made me laugh so hard I cried. Thank you for the highlight of my day.

  2. ~laughs~ Don’t forget you’re an official sea monkey expert too!

    Jesus dish towels?? Are you serious?

    I know I haven’t commented much lately but I do read and look forward to your post…they really make me laugh.


  3. You are funny and honest and I definately got a chuckly reading this! Popping in from Mom Loop Follow! If you aren’t familiar with Snarky in the Suburbs, you might enjoy reading her posts, she is hysterical! Check her out at

  4. Do it. Volunteer to tell the kids all about what you do — taking pictures in cemeteries, obsessing over Roller Derby & county fairs, the serial killer cards, everything mentioned in your post and I’ll bet those Jesus towel makin mommas will ensure that you are never asked to volunteer again. Of course, it could also make Chooch a complete social pariah.

    But it would be so funny.

    • If I can get over my fear of public speaking (yes, even when kids are the audience), I’ll consider it!

      • P.S. I did receive your most wonderful Mystery Hole postcard — Henry’s magical ways with affixing postage worked! It arrived the day before Tom’s postcard did.Thanks, cool lady who takes amazing photos and sends fun postcards!!

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