Tuna Tar-Tart

I suck at everything. Probably more than you do. I enjoy experimenting with cheese and playing with glue sticks. You might know me from that other joint, LiveJournal.

Jan 282019
 

9:19am: Wow, wowee wow wow, I know the many readers I have were like WHERE IS DAT LIVEBLOG THO. We left the hotel around 7 but I had to wait until my phone switched back to US stuffs, you know how that goes.

WHAT YOU MISSED: me droning on ad nauseum about last night’s Winner concert and then stupidly asking “WHERE IS THE MOVING WELL??” when I saw a digital sign over the highway that said “QEW Moving Well” (my reading comprehension is impaired in the AM), and Henry dropping us off in the freezing cold to see Niagara Falls because he refused to pay $15 to park.

So that was anticlimactic because let’s be real, I care more about all that crap on Clifton Hill and the last two times we were in Niagara we didn’t have time for tourist traps. Frown face all the way home.

We just left Duty Free so Henry could exchange back the leftover money since I spent zero dollars last night at the Winner show because the only shirt sizes they had left by the time I got to the front of the merch counter was Large and I’m not the type of broad who looks cute in oversized shirts so I passed – they were $65CAD! Anyway, at Duty Free I got maple and ice wine candy for work even though I hate it there lately.

While we in Duty Free, the James Ingram and Michael McDonald’s classic “Yah Mo B There” came on I was living in the moment. Or the past. Goddamn I love that song.

I still don’t know who Yah Mo is though.

10:16am: BREAKING NEWS! Last night after the Winner show, I hopped on IG and saw that SM officially confirmed that Taemin will be making his solo comeback in February! Then just now I saw that the official date is February 11th! THAT IS LESS THAN A MONTH! (I can do maths!) My stomach is doing somersaults over here on the highway outside of Buffalo!

TAEMIN BE MY VALENTINEEEEEEEE.

10:30am: Taemin excitement aside, I am still riding high on this Yah Mo B There revival so I’m blasting it in the car and Chooch has question marks undulating above his head. I tried to explain it to him by saying it was only one of the greatest songs of the 80s while Henry was subtly shaking his head no. Then I regaled them with the story of how when I dated this guy Jeff in 1998, he told me his stepdad looked just like Michael McDonald. “And then I got to meet him and HE REALLY DID!” I screamed to my conversation hostages and they were just like “Cool story.”

The song just ended and I snapped around to ask Backseat Chooch if he thought he was awesome and he just shook his head no, eyes all wide like he had just watched a snuff film.

That’s ok because now we’re listening to I DONT HAVE THE HEART by James Ingram and I am like FUCKING CRYING and exaggeratedly lip syncing and Chooch just wailed, “This music is so boring!” and dramatically passed out across the backseat.

THIS IS THE BEST OF LITE FM, YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH.

Now I’m on a songs of Days of Our Lives kicks and as “Tonight I Celebrate…” was playing, I asked, “Was this Hope & Bo’s song?”

“I don’t know!” Henry laughed in exasperation.

“Oh my god,” Chooch murmured from the backseat, looking for ways to end it all with his seatbelt.

Now I’m on a Santa Barbara kick and going on about Eden and Cruz while “If Ever I’m In Your Arms Again” butted up against my shrill voice and Chooch finally cried uncle and screamed I WOULD RATHER LISTEN TO TAEMIN which is something he has NEVER said before so now we’re all happily listening to Taemin’s “Play Me.”

Speaking of Taemin, I bought the second version of Press It at one of the Kpop shops in Korea Town yesterday and the guy working there was like my ideal type (Henry said he was 18 and that is NOT TRUE he was probably like 20) and he asked, “Are there any groups you’re looking for miss?” MISS!!!!!! NOT MAAM!!!!

When I said, “Just Taemin,” as I held up one of the albums, he gave me a knowing nod and chuckled. Henry was like, “Kill me.”

One of my co-workers was saying something about how she never buys CDs anymore and to be honest, when I was still into my old types of music, I had stopped buying CDs too (I’d just buy vinyl of bands I really liked) but Kpop is different because it’s not the CD you’re buying, it’s like an entire package of art. So no, I’ll probably never pop that CD in the car player (I think that’s the only CD player we even have!) but I will put it on the shelf with my other Kpop albums and cherish it forever.

This picture, tho.

11:45am: Traditional Sheetz roadtrip lunch break. We are in too much of a hurry to get back home (I forgot to put our shop on vacation mode and sales exploded) so we opted for a quick Sheetz MTO over a sit-down meal and I didn’t complain because their veggie wraps with lite Boom Boom sauce are my ultimate on-the-road go-to omg. Also, Chooch screamed that Henry shit his pants in the bathroom and everyone turned to look at us so that was cool.

12:33pm: Currently discussing how we always forget how close Toronto actually is to Pittsburgh. “Yeah, it takes longer to get Philadelphia, it seems,” Henry said and this caused me to go off.

“I hate how long it takes to get to Philly! You’re in the same state, it shouldn’t take that long to get to you!” I spat. And then, in a calmer tone, “Those are just my thoughts on that issue.” And then, “SO DOES THAT MEAN WE CAN GO TO CANADA’S WONDERLAND SOMETIME??”

“I never said we couldn’t?” Henry said so I’m adding that to my 2019 amusement park list and crossing my dumb, tattooed fingers.

12:39pm: At Sheetz #2 so Papa H can get gas and I thought the Now Hiring sign said Now Killing and Henry did the smirk he does when I reveal daily how terrible my eyesight is.

Yesterday I saw a sign that I thought said Hair Lesbians but it was Hair Aesthetics. *shrug*

1:33pm: Henry and I just finished an impromptu business meeting. It was so riveting that Chooch put his headphones on. But anyway, we’re in Pittsburgh!! Driving past downtown right now so we should be home in 10 minutes, and this might actually be the earliest we’ve ever returned home from a road trip, I’m impressed with our hustle. Now I get to spend the rest of the day packaging Valentines with a healthy number of Winner dance breaks.

So, until the next road trip (next month!), stay sober homies.

Jan 272019
 

Getting ready to see Winner in a few hours and I feel sick! I almost always get sick with nerves before a show but once I get to the venue I’m good.

Anyway, we’re up in Toronto this weekend for the show and it’s like 17 degrees (Fahrenheit, I’m American) so that’s been a real treat. My face got so cold at one point today that I could barely get my mouth to move in order to talk and wondered if that’s what it felt like to get Botox, then I immediately became paranoid that I was going to lose the tip of my nose to frostbite.

We’ve gorged on some beautiful vegan food, taken a bunch of mural pictures, worn out our TPC weekend passes, and made fun of Henry a billion times. I’ll recap all that later in the week and will probably live-blog our drive home tomorrow, so now you know my semi-agenda I guess.

Hope you’re all nice and warm wherever you are! And see you soon, Winner!!

Jan 252019
 

If I were to compose a Friday Five tracklist for today it would look like this:

  1. TODAY IS TRASH
  2. THIS WHOLE WEEK WAS BAD
  3. LAST WEEK WAS BAD TOO
  4. JANUARY HAS BEEN A DISASTER
  5. UGLY CRYING (WITH WINE)

Honestly, all my stress lies in one area of my life but it’s starting to bleed into other areas resulting in a huge fight this morning between Chooch and me and I mean, I say we fight all the time when it’s really just mild bickering but this morning I was already on the edge and then he triggered me and I just went on a schizo tirade around the house and it was just terrible and I felt like the most disgusting human being on the planet, proceeded to cry on the trolley, cried in the bathroom at work immediately upon arrival (and got busted by one of the new people so that was cool) and then my day just kept getting dumber.

But we leave in the morning for a weekend in Toronto and I am really hoping all this stress just means I will enjoy and appreciate the time there even more?

SURE IT DOES.

Anyway, here are my real Friday fivers I guess.

1. Level “Fit Into Korean ‘One Size’” Unlocked!

Truth! When we were in Korea, I was desperate to buy something at Chuu, but their clothes are mostly Korean “free size” or “one size” and lemme tell you, that means “one size will LIKELY NOT fit all outside of Asia.” So I was too freaked out to even attempt to try anything on. But last weekend I was like “this is dumb” and just went and ordered this one Chuu sweater that I have been coveting. It came on Wednesday (yes, from KOREA! Super cheap shipping too) and you guys, it fucking fits.

I made Chooch take my picture (pre-fight) this morning and he was like “my life sucks.”

STRAWBERRY MILK! It matches my Passport cover which was the only thing I felt comfortable buying at Chuu last year lol I hate myself.

2. Henry Made Kimchi!

There’s really nothing else to say about that except that HENRY MADE KIMCHI! So good.

3. Things I think About During Jillian Michaels Workouts

Chooch and I have been going strong with Jillian Michaels Body Revolution since the beginning of the month. I still do my Kpop stuff but I needed something that Chooch would also do and turns out, he really likes Jillian lol. Anyway, the other night we were in the middle of one of the circuits and I was intently focused on one of the framed pictures of the Cure I have hanging above the TV, which is what I do when I need to zone out from the pain, and I suddenly had a vivid memory from the early 2000s when I worked at the shitty meat company. I was probably at the height of my Cure obsession when I worked at that shit hole, and I had pictures of Robert Smith tacked up all over my bulletin board. One of the meat-cutters, John, and I had this fun little routine where he would ask me every day, “Did Robbie call you yet?” because that’s how he always referred to Robert Smith, and I would sadly say no.

“That bastard,” he’d spit, and it was just one of those things that seems so small and insignificant but it would make me smile on the daily, and clearly it had enough impact that it has stuck with me for nearly 20 years now.

I was telling Chooch this tale while we were sweating and grunting through ‘good mornings’, and then without even realizing it, I added, “He killed himself about 12 years ago” and Chooch was like, “WHAT OMG WHY” and then I was getting all teary-eyed so we stopped talking about that.

Weird things you think of while exercising, amirite.

4. My House Should Have an Epilepsy Warning

There was one day last week when I worked from home, and apparently there was some situation where the light above Regina’s office was flickering super badly and it was driving people nuts. Regina had to move somewhere else for the day until the maintenance people came to fix it, but I heard it took HOURS and people were getting brainwashed and started floating toward the light like moths to a fluorescent flame.

“You would have been so annoyed!” Wendy told me when I came back to the office the next day. But then I paused and said, “Well wait, have you SEEN my house?!” It’s like a fucking 24:7 arcade with neon, flashing lights all up in your periphery no matter which way you look.

“Was it making a buzzing noise, too?” I asked, and Wendy said no.

Then I don’t think I would have been that annoyed! I only hate sounds.

Random picture of Drew where she doesn’t belong.

5. Don’t Worry – Chooch & I Are Friends Again

After our big fight this morning, he sent me a challenge request on Quiz Up and I was like, “OMG HE MADE CONTACT” because he had been ignoring my texts, so I texted him a bunch of apologetic word vomit which included, “YOU ARE NOT A DISAPPOINTMENT” and then he said “YOU’RE NOT A BAD MOM” and we both said we were sorry, etc etc and then when I came home from work, we fake-hugged and later when I mentioned that I was so relieved when he sent me that Quiz Up challenge, he said, “Oh that was an accident. It was supposed to be for Trevor, but your name was right next to his.”

UGH.

But whatever. We’re pals again and now he has a whole entire chapter for his future autobiography, so you’re welcome Chooch.

I’ll bookend this with a photo of one of my favorite fruits – cherimoya! The Asian market was rife with them over the weekend, so I got to have one for my morning snack today at work and that was….wait, let me think…yes, that was the only high point of my work day.

Jan 242019
 

Saw this statement this morning on Twitter and I can’t say I’m surprised. I do not miss the days of being a Jonny Craig fan and getting let down when he’s performing at a concert in a drug-haze or drunken stupor, or when he gets kicked out of whatever current band he’s in (the Dance Gavin Dance removal was the one that hit me hardest), or when he’s being accused of domestic violence.

Just the other day I was thinking about how much I loved this guy, his golden voice, his inimitable stage swagger, to the point where I had a doll made in his likeness, made JC ornaments for work Xmas tree, and just all-around drove everyone in my life nuts with my ginger Jesus mania. His music was such a big part of my life for many years, so even though I truly despise him as a human being, I really do hate watching his demise.

For as shitty as he has been the many times I’ve seen him in person, I sincerely hope the guy gets the help he needs and kicks this addiction. Fuck drugs, man. Sincerely fuck them.

Jan 232019
 

Henry had to work because I guess Faygo doesn’t recognize the importance of Martin Luther King Jr., but Chooch and I had the day off. We had lunch plans with Janna but first Chooch got all involved in some pirated version of Heathers he found on YouTube and I was like “Oh ok so I’m watching Heathers with my kid” but then I quickly was like, “Wait should I be watching Heathers with my kid?” It’s funny how you don’t realize how inappropriate/crude/parentally alarming things are until you watch it with your pre-teen.

Chooch’s main takeaway was that Christian Slater isn’t all that great.

WELL OK BUT YOU WERE BORN IN 2006 SO…

Janna came and picked us up around 12:30 (she originally thought I wanted her to pick us up at 12:03 and thought I was being oddly specific when really she’s a number-dummy) and we headed off to Lawrenceville via some weird scenic route. Originally, our plan was to go to B52, which is a vegan place that Henry refuses to go to not because he’s some big burly bacon-eater, but because he just knows that the clientele within those walls is going to be pretentious AF.

And deep down, I know this too.

So we arrived around 1:00 and there was a 30 minute wait because every yuppie vegan in the area who had the day off had the same idea as us. We gave the hostess our name, figuring we were there so we might as well just deal with the wait. Some weird bitch came in and started asking us all these questions about the wait and where to leave her name and there were two other people standing closer to her so I don’t understand why she couldn’t just ask them—oh yeah, because they looked like stuck-up douches and we looked like regular people without a list of French films about incest shoved up our asses.

Eventually, the hostess with the weird bob, 1980s Babysitters Club glasses and super red lipstick came over and said that some space opened up at the counter if we wanted to sit there instead of continuing to wait for a table, and we stupidly said yes, which was such a mistake because it was awkward at the counter and I couldn’t get comfortable long enough to even concentrate on the menu. I kept hoarsely whispering to Janna, “I hate this. I hate it here. I’m so uncomfortable. They don’t even have what I wanted* on the menu today. Let’s just leave OMG should we just leave Janna can we leave?” and Janna really picked up handsomely on my hints and said, “Yes, we can just leave” so we did and I was like DEUCES MALORIE (that’s what I imagine the hostess’s name was).

*(Vegan mousakka! Do you know how rare that is?! Real mousakka used to be one of my favorite foods after I had it in Greece when my aunt Sharon was like YOU WILL NOT LIKE THAT but bam bitch, I did.)

Anyway, we left and Janna was like, “Thank god, I hated sitting there too” and so many more people had lined up after us that we figured we had probably lost our spot for a table by then anyway, so fuck off B52. I don’t get why vegan eateries have to be soooooo uppity and uncomfortable. The only place I’ve been to that wasn’t like that, that didn’t make me feel like I needed to have pixie bangs or a neck tattoo or a Schwinn with a wicker basket as my primary means of transportation, is Zenith. Long live Zenith!!

We went down the street a bit and hit up our backup plan, Ki Ramen. I mean, after driving around for an eternity because Lawrenceville needs to trade in some hipsters for parking spaces, for real. It’s a huge reason why we don’t frequent that area more often.

Anyway, Ki Ramen was OK. It was weird because we walked in and stood there for a while before some waiter came over and asked, “You guys eatin’?”

Um, yes, that was the plan.

Apparently, we were in the wrong dining area? I was so confused! There were people eating in the room we were standing in, but the waiter took us down into a glorified garage (seriously, there were big wires coming out of the concrete walls) and at first I thought he was seating us AT ANOTHER COUNTER but at the last minute, he slid the menus down on the last empty table in that room. Thank god.

We started off with cauliflower wings – they were delicious!

Janna and I both got curry ramen. It wasn’t the best ramen I’ve ever had, that’s for sure. I mean, not to be a spoiled brat, but I’ve had ramen in actual Asia, so…

LOL, I cringed so hard when I typed that. Keeping it!

You think I’m bad, Chooch is like the biggest ramen snob ever and was definitely not impressed with his ramen.

But, the service was pretty quick which was nice because we were fucking starving.

Chooch-Eating-Ramen is my favorite Chooch, I think. He has such chopsticks-wielding pizzazz.

Chooch said this looked like our cat Penelope. :(

When the waitress brought our checks, the one she gave me was waaaaay cheaper than what it should have been. It was like half of what ours should have really been and there was that split second when I wanted to be an asshole and not say anything but this blog ain’t called OH HONESTLY ERIN for nothin’, OK?! I am stupid-honest! So I waved the waitress over and told her she brought me the wrong check, thinking that at the very least, maybe it would bring me some good old-fashioned Karma, but so far all it brought me was two shitty days in a row at work and $40 out of my bank account.

I was bitching about this to Henry who said, “Yeah, but even if you had kept the wrong check, you paid by credit card so they would have just charged the difference to the account later when they realized what happened,” and oh I’m sorry, I forgot that Henry teaches a class on Restaurant Check Fraud at the community college.

See also: STFU Henry.

Apparently, this was Chooch’s “take it easy” pose.

The post-lunch plan was to go to a cafe and get caffeine and dessert. We decided on Black Forge because Janna had never been there and I don’t go there as much as I should, but first Janna had to get stuck in a one-way street cesspool downtown, causing Chooch and I to have a million laughing fits until she tried to back out of a parking lot into oncoming traffic and then we weren’t laughing anymore.

But, she did eventually get us to Allentown in one piece, and then tried to park in a lot designated for the police at the local police station, lol. Fucking popo and their own private, convenient parking lots. Pfft.

Allentown has murals, you guys. We live for murals.

I have one pose, and this is it.

At Black Forge, Janna and I attended Chooch’s lecture on gender equality, inspired by the fact that Black Forge’s bathrooms are designated for “Wizards” and “Witches” but both genders can be either of those things, and also included a reference to “old men holding their dingalings in the bathroom.”

It was a great learning experience. I felt so enlightened.

The last time I was at Black Forge, their punch cards featured Trump and various members of his shitty administration, but now that most of those people have been ousted, their current cards just feature a bunch of Trump’s degenerate visages. I really fucking hate that man so goddamn much, that Black Forge could sell gas station swill and I would still happily support them.

But as it turns out, their coffee and other beverages are fantastic and they sell pastries made at the nearby vegan restaurant Onion Maiden, which is actually another vegan place that doesn’t make me like an outcast. But it’s also very small inside and gets crowded fast so you have to be strategic when planning a meal there.

Totally worth it though and now I’m kicking myself for not just suggesting we have lunch there that day!

In case you were wondering, which you weren’t I know, I got the My Dying Chai which may have been the best chai latte I’ve ever had, Janna got something mocha-y, and Chooch had to be difficult and inquire if the hot chocolate came in different flavors because he is spoiled rotten by the baristas at Muddy Cup who will make any fucking kind of fancy-ass hot chocolate your imagination can concoct as long as they have the syrup there (and they have the most extensive syrup collection I’ve ever seen), so the barista at Black Forge was like, “………flavors?” and then realized what he was asking so she was like, “Yeah go for it, bro” and he went with strawberry because I think he felt panicked since he didn’t have a list to reference, but he said the final product was “really fucking good” and I was like, “I will take your word for it” because I don’t play that backwash game.

Wow, that was a good way to spend the day off. It was only like 10 degrees and the perfect day to stay inside, but I’m really glad we went out and braved the bitter winter.

***

Later that evening, I made fun of Henry which caused Chooch to laugh so hard that he vomited and then I made the mistake of looking at it, so I started dry-heaving really bad and then Henry was like CLEAN THAT UP to Chooch, so then Chooch was dry-heaving while he was mopping up his puke, and this made me dry-heave even HARDER to the point where I was for certain that I was going to throw up, so I had to push Henry out of the way and run to the bathroom, where I could still hear Chooch dry-heaving from downstairs so then we were like gang-gagging back and forth, this terrible volley of vomit-coughs, and my eyes were watering so bad and eventually I FELL TO MY KNEES and screamed, “STOP MAKING THAT NOISE, CHOOCH, PLEASE!!!” because his hoarking was contagious. This went on for a solid five-minutes, passing puke-scares back and forth and Henry calmly muttered, “You two are fucking idiots” while the cats were like, “DO YA’LL HAVE HAIRBALLS TOO?!”

My abs were actually sore the next day from my fake bulimia bout.

Anyway, that’s just a little glimpse of what it’s like to be in this hell house.

Jan 222019
 

Ok it’s not woman crush Wednesday yet but today I want to get all girl-crazy over Chung Ha. Admittedly, I’m super flaky with girl crushes so my girl Kpop biases have changed numerous times over the years, from Taeyeon to Hyolyn to Sana to Sunmi and now to Chung Ha. I just like her more and more with every comeback!

Her latest song, Gotta Go, has wrecked me. I get taken pretty easily with choreography and this song has some really interesting moves. When Chung Ha was in the group IOI, she was known as the dancing queen and it’s not really a surprise that she was able to take those skills and go solo. She can certainly hold her own by herself!

I’ve watched her perform this song on every music countdown show over the last few weeks and I am just obsessed. Her style is just so cool like a 1980s woman in a power suit walking into the boardroom.

I DONT KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING BUT I REALLY AM ALL ABOUT CHUNG HA THESE DAYS.

Enjoy this MV and then if you’re really feeling inspired, do the Kpop workout for this song afterward! I AM GOING TO DO IT AS SOON AS I POST THIS!

Give Me Five Thailand is one of my favorite Kpop exercise channels, especially when I get Henry to do these with me because he hates it so much haha.

Jan 212019
 

I know, it’s been nearly a week since I dropped a Valentine advertisement up in this bitch so you were probably feeling relieved but I am here to strip you of that relief because I have some Kpop valentine sets to pimp. So please indulge me for a few minutes while I gush and show off my new additions. I’m trying to be more pushy active with promoting my wares.

In addition to the two multi-fandom sets and the BTS set I made last year, I have a brand new set for 2019! 16 new designs! Woo!

  • 4Minute
  • Key (from SHINee)
  • NCT127
  • Winner
  • Got7
  • TOP (BIGBANG)
  • Taemin (SHINee)
  • Crush
  • BIGBANG

  • Ten (NCT)
  • E’Dawn
  • Dean
  • Pentagon
  • (G)Idle
  • Momoland

These babes join the two original sets from 2018!

Set #2:

KPOP Mini Valentine Set #2 comes with 16 unique designs!

  • 2NE1
  • Jin (BTS)
  • Bae Suzy
  • BIGBANG
  • Winner
  • Taeyang
  • Blackpink
  • SNSD
  • BTS
  • Kard
  • GOT7
  • F(x)
  • Mamamoo
  • T-ARA
  • U-Kiss
  • Red Velvet

I really enjoy making cards because I get to let my cringe-iness run loose & piss on some fire hydrants and postal carriers, you know?

Each set of 16 comes packaged in a little Valentine bag.

*****************************

Set #1:

This set contains 16 different designs: Sistar, Wanna One, Hyuna, two different Taemins because I love me some Lee Taemin, G-Dragon, Wonder Girls, IU, BIGBANG, Vixx, Twice, Got7, Gfriend, BTS, Apink, and EXO.

Those VIXX and Twice cards have been redesigned, FYI!

One of my past customers told me she hid the serial killer version of these mini cards all around the house for her husband to randomly come across throughout the year and I thought that was such a fun idea!

Set # includes:

  • BIGBANG
  • G-Dragon <3
  • Taemin x2
  • Gfriend
  • Hyuna
  • Got7
  • BTS
  • EXO
  • IU
  • Wanna One
  • VIXX
  • Twice
  • Wonder Girls
  • Sistar
  • Apink

ALL OF THESE FOR ONLY 8 BUCKS! (Plus shipping. I’d walk them to your house free of charge if I could.)

They come packaged in an adorable little V-Day treat bag:

I’m obsessed. As a Kpop fan, I would be so damn stoked if I came across these and would (and will) give them to all of my work friends who will 100% not understand.

(Chooch  gave these card sets his stamp of approval, btw.)

These also look great all smeared out across a G-Dragon table. I mean, if you’ve got it, flaunt it, amirite.

Any mini-card you see in this blog post can be made into a full-sized card (some are even listed that way already in my shop) so if there’s anything you see here that you want just one full-sized version of, just ask!

**************************

Hey, any ARMYs out there? Well, I got you covered with a full-BTS set, as well!

BTS set:

When I was designing the other Kpop mini Valentine sets, I kept thinking of all these different BTS ones I wanted to make, but the whole point of those sets was to have a variety of different Kpop groups representin’, you know? So then I thought, well, why not just make a series of all BTS designs?! You can never have too much BTS.

So I activated my Cringe Mode and got to work on 16 new designs! (Technically, 15 new designs – 1 of the 16 is available in one of the variety packs). Then I waited until my nail polish was sufficiently chipped before taking pictures of the result.

Chooch was so full of groans and disappointed head-shakes over the corniness of this particular set, which means I succeeded!

This J-Hope one, though.

Anyway, this set includes one design of each member alone (Jin and RM have two, though because I accidentally played favorites I guess), one of Cypher, and then a ton of the whole group.

I’m so excited about these collections! I love Valentines Day even though Henry is the worst when it comes at being romantic, and the thought of passing out little Valentines a la elementary school days is just so appealing to me! I might pass these out at work and force everyone to listen to a BTS song or 17.

(I’m hoping to make an entire BIGBANG set as well, because they are my ults.)

Interested? This set, the three other kpop variety sets, full-sized cards for all occasions, and Kpop Idol Pendants can all be purchased over at my Kpop card store on Etsy: Hello Hanguk!

Again, each set is $8 plus shipping (about $2.60 domestic, but I do ship worldwide). Daebak!

Thanks for your (Valen)time!

Jan 192019
 

I’m admitting defeat. White flag is up and waving. I’m surrendering to my body. I will hereby try to get rest this weekend!

I mean, my version of rest basically means that I will take breaks from moving around like a lunatic…?

But wow, I really do feel like a fucking rag doll today. I’m certain that 80% of this is stress but I also think I have some mild virus that my body is kickboxing.

Today’s agenda consists of catching up on Divorce (I’m halfway through season 2 and now Henry suddenly decides he needs to watch it too which is the most annoying thing ever), making Valentines (it’s the busiest time of the year for us!), starting a new high school K-drama with Chooch (he walked in on me watching Revenge Note and became obsessed), watching Henry make kimchi, planning for our whirlwind trip to Toronto next weekend, and waiting out this snowstorm that we’re supposed to be getting.

Pretty chill, and just what I need after the hectic week that just passed!

One good thing about today is that Henry and I were coming back from a walk and just as I was getting ready to grumble about how gross all the dirty, melty snow looks, I realized that we are already halfway through January and that is my least favorite month ever so I felt really inspired and hopeful that I will make it through another winter without succumbing to the blues (grays?)!

Whooo boy I preach about being positive all the time but sometimes that it one fucking difficult thing to practice!

THIS JUST IN: I fake-fainted in front of Henry and he didn’t even flinch.

My favorite thing about Divorce is the awesome 70s soundtrack. Also, I love that Sarah Jessica Parker still has the voice of a teenage girl—her voice has always been my favorite thing about her. Also x2, if Henry and I ever get a fake-divorce from our never-happened-marriage, I hope he NEVER DATES AGAIN. I made him promise that today, and then I texted Chooch at the Teen Center and told him to make sure Henry doesn’t ever try to give him a new mom. Then Henry walked into the room wearing an ugly army-colored t-shirt with a bright blue thermal shirt under it and I realized I HAVE NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.

On that note, here are some pictures from last week.

Henry made Kimbap and bean sprout soup for dinner last Sunday and I was there for it. He’s also making a batch of kimchi—he is my little ahjumma!

Against our better judgment, we bought Chooch a puzzle so now half of Henry’s work station has been usurped. I also bought this hot pink furry coat which Chooch was more than happy to model for the purposes of this picture.

Here I am, being multi-fandom AF in my BIGBANG scarf and Jonghyun pin. I love wearing my Kpop faves!

Well, back to my afternoon itinerary which involves roller coaster YouTube vlogs and harping on Henry to finish Kpop valentines. Stay warm, my muffins!

Jan 182019
 

Wow, I have been slacking with the lunch break tales! I still go outside for a walk everyday, in spite of the gross winter weather, but I have to speed-walk to stay warm and that makes me less observant to all the oddities transpiring around me.

However, human interaction happened 7 TIMES in the last week that have pulled me out of my winter bubble and I declared a revival of thee ol’ Lunch Break Tales positively necessary.

6 of those were on THE SAME DAY. So let’s start there.

The Day of 6 Human Interactions 

Alternately Titled: What Is This, 1954?

It was Friday of last week and I had just stepped out from the revolving door of the law firm and into FREEDOM when I saw an old lady sitting on the ground a few yards away. Immediately, I knew that this probably wasn’t good and the unfortunate part (I mean, aside from  the fact that someone’s grandma had taken a tumble) was that I appeared to be the only person around.

Falalalala-uck.

I fought my inner misanthrope and tiptoed over to assess the sitch. Thankfully, a man carrying groceries was approaching from another direction and together, we reenacted a scene from whatever episode of Sesame Street teaches you to put down your groceries and help your neighbor.  All I was capable of doing was holding out my phone and asking repeatedly if she needed me to call 911 while Grocery Man kept slowly asking, “MA’AM, YOU OK?” But Ma’am continued to sit on the ground with her legs outstretched, rubbing her thighs and not answering.

Now I was starting to wonder if this was a pick-pocketing ploy because that’s what I think everything is, a pick-pocketing ploy, until she slowly turned to look at us, and with ONE SINGLE TEAR FALLING DOWN HER CHEEK OMG, she whispered, “No, I’m OK…..I don’t know what happened. My knees just gave out…”

Grocery Man said he had heard her fall so I guess she screamed or something? I don’t know!

There are chairs inside the lobby of my building so I asked her if she wanted us to help her inside. At least she could sit down and get warm while deciding what she was going to do. She nodded, so Grocery Man and I each took one of her arms and lifted her up. The whole time I was whipping my head around, looking for the news crews, like, “I’M DOING IT! I’M DOING IT! LOOK AT ME!” in my head, because altruism is not a word in my limited and egocentric vocab.

We had just about got her to the doors of my building when some tall fucking white man in a nice suit and coat strode over with the shittiest shit-eating grin on his pudding face and asked, “Do you need help?” while basically TAKING THE OLD BROAD AWAY FROM US and escorting her into the building himself!!

WOW WAY TO COME IN AT THE TAIL END AND CLAIM ALL THE GLORY, JACKASS. Grocery Man was like, “That’s fine” because he wanted to get back to his groceries, which he left on the ground and we get all kinds of weirdos walking by, like Downtown Jesus may have meandered over and started digging in the bags for bread to turn into fish, or cigarettes, you don’t know.

I started to ask Briefcase Hero if he needed my assistance for anything, but then I was like, “Ah, fuck it” and I went about my merry way.

To….

Crazy Mocha, where I had the fourth human interaction of the day!

The barista was a new one, or new-to-me anyway, because it had been a few weeks since I went to this particular Crazy Mocha. She was young and running on all cylinders, the kind of person who was rearin’ to talk to ANY FUCKING BODY. She was taunting her co-worker about some picture she had taken of him, so then she decided to pull me into the convo and showed me the Polaroid.

“Oh, I keep Polaroids in my phone case!” I said, and showed her pictures of Chooch in the cemetery on Christmas. So then we chatted about Polaroids and she said she liked to surprise her co-workers with snap-attacks so that they wouldn’t have a chance to fake-pose, and I briefly imagined doing this at the law firm and I wonder how well that would go over since everyone knows my motives are questionable.

As the barista in the Polaroid made my chai latte, Polaroid Girl started singing EXTREMELY THEATRICALLY all up in the other barista’s face and he gave her zero reaction which was pretty weird, but then I was like, “Wow, this song sounds familiar…” and then I realized it was a song from Hamilton (“Satisfied”) and I was so proud of myself for knowing that considering that I have still NEVER LISTENED TO THE SOUNDTRACK even though I saw the show and loved it.

Side bar: A few weeks ago one of my co-workers admitted to me that she thought Hamilton was a president and I felt SO MUCH BETTER ABOUT MYSELF because yo, I thought that too, and she is actually way more educated me so I was like, “OK, it’s not just me. There are others. More of us. I am not alone.” But yeah, during Hamilton, I wondered several times, “So, when does he become President tho….”

Remember when I saved that broad’s life before I met Polaroid Girl? Well, the next interaction I had was when a traveler with suitcases approached me and asked me where the Megabus pickup is and so I told him and then realized I gave him the wrong directions, so I had to chase him down screaming, “Sir! Sir! I gave you the wrong directions!” so then I had him go a different way and I felt better about myself until on my way back from my walk when I saw that the Megabus was picking up people exactly right across from where we were standing when he asked me so it turns out BOTH OF MY DIRECTIONS WERE WRONG. Man, I saved a life and then maybe stranded a guy in Pittsburgh.

I’d call that a wash.

The final interaction of that walk was when a lady walked by me and yelled, “cute coat!”

YEAH IT IS!

Man, what a day! I talked to so many people! I REMEMBERED HOW TO TALK!

The Absinthe Anecdote (AND ANTIDOTE)

Tuesday was a terrible day. I mean, as far as work goes, that is. I had to go into the bathroom and stress-cry at one point, it was that kind of day. I had to sit at my desk and think of worse days that I have had just to bring the perspective, but then I started thinking about the time the church school moms found my blog and essentially met me in the parking lot with torches and pitchforks, and this just made me feel even more terrible so wow that strategy backfired.

Finally, I broke away and went outside for my walk because sometimes that is the only thing that gets me through the day – I need my hour walk, man. Get me away from my desk!

I usually don’t pre-plan my walks, I just walk in the opposite direction of where the derelicts seem to be when I step out the door. On this day, I headed toward the Strip District and then decided that I was going to Prestogeorge for a latte because I fucking needed a treat, OK?! My favorite barista Lori was working – we have had great convos about tattoos, kids not knowing what landlines are, and my awesome phone cases. I really like her a lot so even though I was having a shit day, when she asked me how it was going, I said it was going well and it felt like it was true! She just gives off good vibes, man.

As she was ringing me up, she paused and, with a lowered voice, asked, “Do you like absinthe?”

I said yes without hesitation, but then backtracked and said that while I wasn’t a big fan of the taste, I really appreciated the lore and culture behind it. She nodded and slid a book across the counter.

“I’m going to tell you a story while I made your latte, and you can take a look at this book.”

It was a worn book of absinthe recipes, and her story was about how she met a professional magician in San Francisco some time ago, and it turned out he was one of the authors of this absinthe book but she didn’t find out until afterward and was bummed that she missed her chance at getting the book signed. Apparently, she and her friends have thrown many parties around this absinthe book so it’s very special to her and all I kept thinking was, “How do I ingratiate myself into her circle of friends?!”

Anyway, her story was captivating and culminated in the fact that her realtor friend called her up and said, “You’ll never guess who I sold a house to” and it was THE MAGICIAN – he’s moving to Pittsburgh and bought some huge house on the north side, and so the realtor friend invited Lori to lunch with him and he signed Lori’s book; she showed it to me and it said, “Let’s throw a party” so she is freaking throwing a party in his mansion and I can’t remember the last time I was this stoked for someone I barely know!

There isn’t an actual date yet but I told her I’m going to troll Prestogeorge’s until it finally happens so she can tell me all about it! I love hearing about people obsessing over obscure things and then getting starstruck over something that most people would think nothing of. This is how I felt when PAUL EUGENE the Gospel Aerobics guru emailed me a Valentine and yes I realize it was just because I signed up for his newsletter, but maybe I’m the only one he sent it to! LEAVE ME TO MY DREAMS!

I walked out with my cinnamon latte and realized that the tightness in my chest was gone. Maybe human interaction is actually….THE KEY?! Ugh.

 

Jan 172019
 

Yesterday I was hit with possibly the worst cramps I have ever gotten in my life and for someone who rarely gets them (I know, I’m such a bitch) it basically felt like I was dying. It came on out of nowhere at work and I swear it felt like I was graying out. Then I realized I was actually sliding off my chair, that’s how much pain had taken over.

I half-collapsed onto Carrie’s desk and whined, “Carrie omg I have cramps” and she put on her pharmacist lab coat and doled out some pills. Then she told me to go home and that’s all I needed to hear so I half-crawled to Wendy’s office and asked to leave which I hate doing and can count on one hand the amount of times I’ve had to do this in the nine years I’ve worked there but whatever I had swords inside me.

Dear Henry was able to pick me up from work but oh if you could have seen me shambling around downtown to the spot where he was picking me up, you’d have thought I was just a typical strung-out townie.

SIDEBAR: have you ever had an Envy apple? I’m eating one right now and it’s divine, like it was handed to me from Satan himself.

It hurt so bad at one point that I actually started to wonder if I had broken an abdominal muscle.

Anyway, Henry dropped me off at home and I was like WHERE DO YOU THINK YOURE GOING, GET THE HEATING PAD but he couldn’t find the heating pad?! And then we remembered I BROKE the heating pad because I kept using it as a heated blanket.

Henry finally returned with a RUBBER WATER BOTTLE like this was the 1940s and I was laying on a fainting couch. I mean, it was fine until it wasn’t hot anymore and I didn’t know what to do but then I remembered the Phone-A-Henry option and he answered me just as I was getting ready to microwave it.

So then I started ranting about why did we even have a rubber water bottle and they are really stupid!!! and Henry said it was because a long time ago I read something about…something…and that something involved me needing a hot water bottle for…something??!! I don’t remember this AT ALL. Must be just like those Salonpas Henry accused me of having and I know THATS NOT TRUE.

Henry is trying to poison my mind, I think.

So my day at home was a lot of me laying on the couch, moaning dramatically even though no one was home, and watching roller coaster videos but then feeling even more awful imagining myself on a roller coaster while feeling the way that I felt so then I was worried that I was going to condition myself to not like roller coasters so I watched This Is Us instead. I usually cry during that show but this time I was like “whatever I’m in more pain than you assholes.”

Around 3 I texted Chooch and told him I came home from work sick and all he said was “feel better I’m going to the Teen Center.” WOW JUST WOW.

(Omg Chooch is talking shit on me to Henry right now, I heard him whisper something that started with ‘she’ and I AM THE ONLY SHE IN THE HOUSE unless he’s talking about the cats BUT I DONT THINK SO.)

So eventually my cramps subsided but then I was just really nauseous and shivery, but I never actually puked. I felt like that most of today as well, like I was seasick but Marlene gave me COKE SYRUP and it helped.

HOT WATER BOTTLES AND COKE SYRUP. Maybe I should start reading the farmers almanac too.

It occurred to me at some point that I felt similar to how I felt in my FIRST TRIMESTER OF PREGNANCY which is ironic (I don’t care if I used that rightly or wrongly) because yesterday morning, it was really slippery outside and Henry made me take the T so I texted him and told him that I fell on my way there and I hope he was happy and he very fakely responded “omg are you ok” like he actually cared and I told him that YEAH I WAS FINE because some man helped me up.

And then we had sex.

And now I’m pregnant.

So wow, I’m so good at lie-texting that I actually convinced my body to have pregnancy symptoms.

IM NOT PSYCHO YOURE PSYCHO.

So that’s the story of how I had other things to say on here but then I basically went into FAKE LABOR because my lies are that powerful so instead you got this.

Don’t worry. I’m ok.

Jan 152019
 

In an effort to be a better businessbroad, I’m trying to actually promote my greeting cards for this Valentine season, like, with actual time to spare instead of waiting until February 10th like I normally would. So expect to see some veritable advertisements on here this week in between my usual sub-par content.

Tonight, let’s ohh and ahh over another set of Valentines! I’m still really proud of the Golden Girls Valentine collection, and I wanted to give them some love on this blog by….reposting what I wrote last year because let’s be real, I love these cards but not enough to write a brand new script for them!

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I couldn’t sleep one night and I was thinking, “How can I further expand my card line/release some of this psychotic energy that’s keeping me awake?” And then I wondered if the Golden Girls would be a good fit with the serial killers and vintage porn stars of noncomposcards and you guys, I think it’s a good fit. I mean, someone bought two GG cards and a porn star set so…

Condoms! Condoms! Condoms!

I know I’m not alone in deriving great comfort from Golden Girls reruns. Like so many others, I grew up on this show in the 80s. Of course, back then, it was way too “adult” for me, and most of it went way over my head, but I still watched it because I loved Rose and her St. Olaf tales and Dorothy’s relationship with her mom and Blanche was always GOALS. I used to sleep over my grandparents house on Saturday nights and it honestly feels like yesterday when I would sit on the couch next to my Grandma, wearing some old oversized beer t-shirt as a nightgown, watching The Golden Girls and Empty Nest. (And Hunter but was that on Fridays? I only ever watched Hunter at my grandparents house.)

Very little in life has felt more comfortable and warm to me than those childhood Saturday nights on Gillcrest Drive.

I think like there are a lot of people who can relate to this!

Cheesecake & Chill?

Vertubenflugen

Blanche Devereaux Girl’s Night 

Funny story – one time many moons ago I sent Henry to the video rental place down the street and made him ask the guy in the back for Revolutionary War porn, so he was already flustered about that, and then he turned around and accidentally knocked over an entire rack of pornos, cutting his knuckle in the process and to this day I still refer it as The Porn Wound. He gets so mad.

Now you know something about me! Well, about my boyfriend.

The backs are cute AF, IMO.

Literally, not once in this Valentine promotion series have I had presentable nails. I’M SORRY, YOU GUYS. I’m hideous.

But enough about my chipped polish, what I like about these cards is that there’s something in there for both platonic friends and people you’re legit hot for.

This Sophia one is my favorite though because I love vintage porn and Sicily 1969 porn is probably pretty hot. Especially if it’s Mt. Etna-themed.

I know, I know – “Bea Mine,” what a fucking cop-out. But I wanted to get these done for you in time! I’m already jotting down ideas for a second set for next year, so I will redeem myself for being so basic.

Most of these are adapted quotes from the show, and I thought the Sophia one up there was actually super romantic if you think of it in terms of “Hey, let’s grow old and toothless together.” You know? Maybe I do have a heart after all.

Similar to the serial killer, porn, The Cure, and kpop sets (god, what a collection), there are 16 different cards in this set, perfect for passing out like you’re still a kid in elementary school when the only care was, “YEAH BUT WHAT CANDY COMES WITH IT” – oh wait, that’s still a major concern! Fuck off with those fruit-flavored tootsie rolls!

And there you have it. $8 for the whole set!

Jan 142019
 

Saturday night, Wendy and I (fine, and Henry too) went to a going-away party for our friend and former co-worker Amber aka AG1, the Original Amber of the Law Firm. Aside from the horrible service at Bubba’s Gourmet Burgers (owned by one of the long-time local radio personalities here and I have HALF A MIND -shut up – to call his dumb radio show and tell him that his restaurant sucks; he was actually there that night too and I was not even the slightest bit excited to see him), it was really nice to see Amber for what might be the last time in a while since she is moving to ALABAMA.

The last time I checked, ALABAMA AND PENNSYLVANIA ARE NOT THAT CLOSE TO EACH OTHER!

I started to tear up immediately when I saw Amber because I am a weak human being even though I’m all, “ROAR ROAR ROAR I HATE PEOPLE.” It’s called a defense mechanism, OK!? But then Amber pointed out that she and her husband are only going to be 4 hours away from DOLLYWOOD so now the plan is to MEET THEM IN PIGEON FORGE AND HAVE ALL OF THE FUN. I told her husband this when we were leaving.

“We’re going to Dollywood!” I cried, and then I realized he thought I meant just me and Henry so then I explained that WE ARE ALL GOING TO DOLLYWOOD and he was like, “Wow…”

He was excited, I think.

Anyway, I thought it was funny that Amber referenced the two memories I wrote about in my card to her before she even opened the card, so I guess they really were solid memories! Usually I am the only one who latches on to a moment and then the other party is like, “I sort of remember that?” and it is crushing. CRUSHING. One of those memories was the time we had a Chinese Auction in the department in 2015 and you know what, I like this memory so much that I am going to reshare it here and not just because I’m looking for a cop-out because designing and marketing new Valentine cards has me mentally drained except that’s 90% why.

So here you go, a blast from the blogging past, from my archives to your eyeballs.

***********

 

See also: Waffle Whining

****

In order to raise some extra money for the food drive that the Law Firm is currently embroiled in, our department had a Chinese Auction yesterday. I don’t normally pay attention to these things because most of the items donated always seem to be things I wouldn’t ever use, like spatulas and laundry baskets. (These are standard Chinese Auction things, right? I honestly never look!)

I can tell you for sure that I didn’t bother to participate the last time this happened because I was still in my old position here and pouting literally every day. I remember hearing sounds of mirth and camaraderie coming from my work friends on the Other Side as they admired all of the wares and bought tickets, which made me slump in my chair and cross my arms over my chest. It was Dark Days back then, friends.

And honestly, I probably still wouldn’t have given a shit this time around either, except that I accidentally noticed it.

The best prize in all of the land.

A waffle maker.

I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED A WAFFLE MAKER! Henry is always “eh” about it when it comes up because he knows that I’ll be having him make some lavender fig chia seed monstrosity stuffed with some out of season exotic fruit that needs to be special ordered from a treetop garden in Tasmania.

And not that it comes up a lot, but I do read some bohemian lifestyle blogs for some reason even though I am neither Bohemian nor lifestyle, and they sometimes post photos of post-night, ante meridiem recipes (also known as: breakfast) for their fancy waffle maker sisterwives to say things like “amaze” and “so much yum” to on Instagram. Waffles are the shit. Waffles over pancakes any day. (Only because pancakes often make me sick, though.)

Our new admin person, Carrie, was the point person for the Chinese auction, so after digging out a crumbled dollar bill from my jacket pocket, I strutted to her desk and proudly thrust it at her in exchange for a ticket. Glenn, having heard my cries of waffle ecstasy, bought FIVE TICKETS and said he was going to put them all in the waffle maker raffle bag! AND THEN APPROXIMATELY EVERY OTHER PERSON IN THE DEPARTMENT DID THE SAME.

AND THEN GLENN BOUGHT FIVE MORE TICKETS!

This waffle maker was a hot commodity. I felt a little relief knowing that there were two of them being auctioned off, at least. Two winners. MAYBE I WOULD BE ONE.

But then something terrible happened. Amber AG1 declared that she too wanted to win the waffle maker. This could ruin our friendship, I thought to myself nervously.

And then LOU bought some tickets from Carrie and I overheard him tell her that he wanted the waffle maker and I got so enraged. He’s already my least favorite analyst! (Don’t worry, he knows. I told him.)

“They’re both broken,” I shouted, trying to deter him. He just laughed and walked away with his Cheater Tickets and I was 100% wringing my hands at this point. Literally everyone wanted the waffle maker. Who even knows what else was over there! WAFFLE MAKER.

Glenn spent the rest of the day taunting me mercilessly. He said if he won, he was going to sell it, just not to me. Meanwhile, Amber was way more upbeat about her desire to win and was over at her desk practically singing “I want the waffle maker” to the tune of New Kids On the Block. This was in stark contrast to how  I was expressing myself, which was by moping, whining, and panicking about my odds all day.

I just knew I was going to lose. I never win these things!

Stop pouting, I told myself. Maybe out loud, even. The drawing hadn’t even started yet and I already had myself losing. I went outside for a walk to cool off a little, and I called Henry.

“Never mind,” I said with a big sigh as soon as he said hello.

“Never mind what?” he asked tentatively.

“Just forget it,” I sighed Eeyore-ishly.

“WHAT DID YOU DO?” he asked.

“IfIwonawafflemakerwouldyouuseit?” I blurted out in an auctioneer’s cadence.

“I mean, I guess,” Henry slowly answered, waiting for the other shoe to fall. And then I started gushing about the day’s events, and how I remembered that I actually brought my wallet that day and I had FIVE MORE DOLLARS to buy more tickets, and then Wendy felt so much pity for me that she put a ticket in the waffle maker bag too, even though she has a scar on her arm from a hotel waffle iron and basically never wants to look at one again, and then I begged Gayle to put in a ticket for me, too, and she originally said no but then I was like GAAAAAAYLE!!! and so she did it and OMG I’M GOING TO LOSE AREN’T I?!

Henry didn’t have much to say about this. Apparently, when I call him at work, he’s actually working, and doesn’t have “time” to care about my “problems.”

Back in the office, Carrie sent out an email saying that the first drawing was going to happen at 2:30. Glenn was all Glennish about this because he leaves at 2:30 everyday. I could barely hear his bitching overtop of my own pitiful wails of, “I WANT THAT WAFFLE MAKER SO BAD! I’M GOING TO PEE MY PANTS! OMG MY STOMACH HURTS.”

“Oh Jesus Christ, if I win the waffle maker, you can have it,” Glenn mumbled, slapping his tickets on my desk on his way out.

“SERIOUSLY?!” I cried.

“Yeah. I don’t want to have to hear about it if you lose,” he grumbled. I wonder what he put his other tickets in for. Probably this old army lunch box thing that someone donated.

At 2:31, Sue came over with two bags and had Carrie and Allison pick a ticket out of each one.

One of them was for the first waffle maker.

I was bouncing from foot to foot in anticipation, clutching all of my tickets in my hands. (The winning number for each item was emailed to the whole department, so no one but me bothered to actually go over and watch this happen.)

Allison drew in her breath and turned away from me a little.

“What?” I asked nervously.

Then Carrie looked at the ticket that Allison drew and she made a strangulated noise as well.

“WHAT? IS IT MINE?!” I yelled, knowing that it probably wasn’t because they didn’t know what numbers I had. So it must have been someone who wrote their name on the back. OH GOD PLEASE BE GLENN! I prayed. And then I felt gross for rooting for Glenn.

“It’s Amber,” Carrie said quietly.

DON’T BE A SORE LOSER, ERIN. GO SIT DOWN AND BE A GROWN-UP, ERIN. THERE IS STILL ANOTHER WAFFLE MAKER, ERIN.

Amber was so happy that she won, and I wanted to be happy for her too! I really did! When she walked past me to claim her prize, she stopped cheering and said, “Aw, but I feel bad!”

“IT’S FINE,” I tried to say in a happy, supportive tone but it came out through gritted teeth because OMG WHY AM I SUCH A BRAT. “I never win anything anyway, so I’m used to it,” I added just in case I hadn’t already come off as an industrial-sized, leaking douchebag.

WHY AM I SUCH A CRYBABY. There were no less than 87 moments that day when I floated outside of my body and looked down upon myself, frowning in disappointment. I guess, at least I’m aware?

A few minutes later, I went to get something off the printer and ran into Carrie, who was making copies. “Hey,” she said. “If you don’t win the other one, I’ll bring one in for you. I have one in my kitchen that I never use, and I swear you can have it. It’s not as fancy as this one, but it’s still good.”

And at this moment, I realized that I needed to stop thinking of Carrie as “Barb’s Replacement” because she is an awesome lady in her own right and has seamlessly fit right into our department in less than two weeks. CARRIE, YOU CAN STAY.

Seriously, that was a really touching moment. Until you remember that this was all over A WAFFLE MAKER.

A.WAFFLE.MAKER.

I mean, waffles are the motherfucking jam, but are they worth this much drama? Probably not. But I was already up to my neck in it. Now I had to see this through. I shouldn’t have let myself drift off into all of the daydreams about opening a waffle stand in my front yard, mass-producing edible Frisbees (Waffbees? Frisfles?), costing Henry an arm and a leg in upscale waffle ingredients and a camera upgrade because you can’t eat fancy waffles without photographing it on a stained pallet surrounded by baby’s breath and monogrammed-stamped baby forks.

I was really getting ahead of myself. Goddammit.

Throughout the afternoon, more drawings took place, but there was so much time in between each one that it felt like when you’re taking a test in school and all you can hear is the methodic, amplified ticking of the clock.

Wendy ended up winning the weird army lunch box thing, and I have no idea why she even put in any tickets for that. It was probably just her against Glenn. And then Patrick basically won everything else because he’s a baller and bought like an entire spool of tickets.

Todd came back from lunch before the final waffle maker was won, and he asked me with faux-interest if anyone had won them yet.

It was hard to push the words out around my big, pouty bottom lip, but I somehow mustered the strength to tell him that Amber had won the first one.

“All that was missing was the trumpets,” I said melodramatically, and Todd started laughing. And then he said something along the lines of, “There, there. You still have one more chance.”

Right before the end of the day, Sue walked over to Amber’s desk with the waffle maker ticket bag and told her since she won the first one, she had to draw the ticket for the second.

“Oh no, Erin’s fate is in my hands!” she said, and I was so nervous that I got up and walked around. I DIDN’T EVEN WANT TO KNOW, YOU GUYS.

Sue gave the drawn ticket to Carrie, who in turn sent out the email to the department. I figured it was going to be Patrick, since he had a billion tickets in each bag.

And then I heard, “OMG I WON THE SECOND ONE TOO!”

My first reaction was: WAH!

My second reaction was: OMG CAN I HAVE IT!!!???

“Can I give it to Erin?” Amber asked Carrie, who shrugged and said she didn’t give a basic fuck.

“SERIOUSLY?!?!?!” I screamed as Amber passed it off to me like the goddamn Olympic torch.

“Yeah, I don’t need two!” she laughed. “Now we can both have one!”

AND THAT IS HOW WE WERE ABLE TO LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER.

Allison was just like, “Wow. What a relief.” I keep forgetting that she is still relatively new. We must look like a gang of fucking imbeciles to her.

“Wait. There’s something I have to do,” I said, and I walked over to Lou’s office with my waffle maker. “I just wanted you to see what I looked like holding the waffle maker,” I gloated, and he kind of hung his head a little and told me I’m mean.

SORE LOSER AND SORE WINNER. That’s me.

But don’t feel too bad for Lou, because the last drawing of the day was for the biggest prize of all: a hug from Ethan, who absolutely hates hugs. And Lou won! He seemed happier with that than he would have been with a waffle maker. Me? I preferred the waffle maker because I, too, hate hugs.

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Here’s a picture of my reflection while waiting for the elevator, with my WAFFLE MAKER IN MY ARMS! Amber, you are the best! We should have a waffle party!

****

When I got into the car after work, Henry did one of his patented mirthless-laughs and shook his head. “Great,” he mumbled.

I quickly relayed the day’s events to him and he said, “Were you a sore loser? Why am I asking. I know you were.”

Later that night, Henry, upon realizing that he had never even heard of the brand, googled the company’s name and discovered that it doesn’t even exist outside of eBay.

Buy It Now: $6.95.

I bought $6 worth of tickets, and I probably would have had to also pay for shipping, so all in all it’s still a deal if you ask me.

“It’s probably going to burn down the house,” Henry mumbled.

I’m going to use the FUCK out of this thing. And by that, I mean that I’m going to search the FUCK out of the Internet for waffle recipes to send to Henry.

****

In case you were wondering how the winning hug played out, here’s a video! A group of us gathered around noon and formed a big circle around Lou and Ethan, so it was like they were inside of a hug while hugging. It was fucking precious.

Apologies to all of my co-workers who probably have a waffle aversion after all of this. It escalated pretty quickly.

I can only imagine how disgruntled this waffle ordeal would have made the other Amber if this happened before she went on maternity leave. I can practically hear her saying, “Oh for God’s sake!”

Jan 132019
 

What’s up, Diva cups, I’m checking in to show you the new non compos cards Valentine set for 2019. I have had this collection on the back burner for a minute now and am so pleased to finally have finished it this weekend.

The Cure is my all-time favorite band, as in: cash in your savings account and fly to Australia to see them after they hastily announce that they’re not going to tour again after that but that was in 2000 and you have since seen them like 6 more times because Robert Smith lied but that’s ok!

True to form, this is a cringefest so get your groans ready.

The set contains 16 different mini-cards, just like the kinds we used to pass out in elementary school except much cooler because, you know, The Cure.

Henry was like I DON’T GET IT and I’ll tell you why – it’s because he’s not actually a “fan” of The Cure.

This set is now available in my shop and I am so happy about it! Part of me wants to track down all my old friends from the long defunct chatroom I used to frequent in 1998/1999 called Darkchat and send them all one of these cards (and by frequent I do mean I used to stay up until like 5am private messaging with all of my goth paramours). God, those were the days! Now when I tell people that The Cure is my favorite band, the general response, “I don’t know who that is.” Well, just break my goddamn heart.

I think this set goes wonderfully with all the serial killer ones, the vintage porn star collection, the Golden Girls series and of course all the Kpop varieties in my Hello Hanguk shop too! I’ll repost all of those ones throughout the week in case you missed them last year. I love Valentines so much!

Interested in purchasing a set of The Cure valentines for all the lovecats in your life? Click right here!

Jan 112019
 

Hola it’s me, the non-nutritionist, un-doctor, fake-fitness instructor, here to tell you about how I lost weight because a few people asked after I posted this side-by-side comparison snap on Instagram last weekend:

But first, here’s some history:

I started to get “fat” in 4th grade. I don’t remember off-hand if my diet was trash but I know that I wasn’t super active back then. I didn’t play sports and spent most of my time reading books, building frog hotels, trying to make eye shadow by slamming rocks into the driveway and collecting the gritty dust. (#safe.)

I’m fairly certain that genetics played a big role too. And my grandma taught me at a young age how to be incredibly vain and self-conscious, such gifts.

When I was in 6th grade, I went on Slim Fast (this is a whole other rainy day story!). Wow, such healthy choices. I remember getting bags of Slim Fast popcorn in my Easter basket that year and being excited about it, not knowing that this was basically the beginning of a lifelong weight obsession.

But that same year, I also discovered a TV channel that played exercise workouts and I became addicted to Bodies in Motion and Denise Austin. I managed to lose a bunch of weight and maintained that pretty well through middle school and high school. I also started playing tennis in 7th grade and I was OBSESSED with that and began weight training. So I was never what you would consider “skinny” because of that but what the kids these days call THICC I guess. (Chooch would cancel himself if he knew I wrote that!)

I was at my thinnest right after high school, probably because I had just moved out and rarely had food in my apartment. I was 120 then and thought I was fat, so if I could go back in time and punch any version of myself, it would be 1998 Erin!

Me thinking I was huge but not yet knowing about body dysmorphia.

But my 20s were rife with depression, drinking, and you know, having a BABY. I think I was around 230 at my heaviest during pregnancy and then pretty much hovered at 200 but I didn’t have a scale so this is a guess and probably more accurate than when I would whine to Henry about being 87000 pounds, until something woke me up two years after giving birth and I started doing Jillian Michaels workouts and dieting. I lost weight pretty fast – I’ll never forget one of my coworkers at the job I had at the time telling me that it was really noticeable and I was like FUCK YEAH I CAN DO ANYTHING. But here’s what happened, and what ALWAYS happened after I started losing weight – I started to feel invincible. And not as in “wow I am so strong now I can do anything!” But more so “ok I lost some weight and now I can stop exercising as much and eating oatmeal for lunch every day and excuse me while I face-plant into this chocolate cake because I’ll never gain the weight back.”

LOL. Oh 20-something Erin. So foolish.

I yo-yo’d into my 30s. Lost some weight rollerskating, gained it back from office-snacking. Rinse, repeat.

Another thing you should know is that I have never been a slovenly person. You’d never catch me just lounging around all weekend on the couch, watching TV. Even at my heaviest, I was pretty active but not regularly enough. And my activity wasn’t combined with that shitty d-word we all hate – diet.

So in 2013 I started Weight Watchers and I lost 20 pounds fast! But then I plateaued. And here’s why – WW is not the greatest for vegetarians, especially vegetarians who literally cannot fend for themselves. I was so hungry all the time and had NO ENERGY to exercise. Plus, I was eating a ton of Lean Cuisines and other frozen meals because the thought of tracking points freaked me out and those were the easiest to track, but hello unhealthy.

Also, fruits and vegetables are “unlimited” so I was gorging on fruit and I remember my friend Amber pointing out that I needed to be careful because fruit also has a lot of sugar and I was like BUT WEIGHT WATCHERS SAID and then I wondered why I was a bloated fruit-basket-bellied whale.

But I do credit WW with helping me lose the first chunk of, well, chunk.

And I will say that WW changed the way I was eating for the most part so I was pretty good about not gaining back the weight I had lost, but I wasn’t making any progress otherwise. I didn’t have a routine to follow so I was basically just going through life weighing myself occasionally and hoping for the best. I was only exercising when I would think to, so maybe like 2 or 3 times a week, and let’s be real here, that’s not enough.

Everything finally clicked for me at the end of 2016 and it was by sheer accident. It was a super bad year for me. Obviously, The Election. But also a pretty substantial family tragedy occurred and that was dragged out for nearly the whole year, so even though I initially lost some weight through that, it turns out you eventually gain back the weight you lost by violently stress-puking.

I had finally got to the point in my life where I was 100% ready to commit. Really, you can’t go into something as major as weight loss without being all in. I realized what the problem was all those other times: I was bored. I was hungry. I was frustrated. I got distracted. I wasn’t ready to make changes and dedicate myself to a program.

Here is how I did it: THE KOREAN SYSTEM a/k/a K-Diet.

If you’re laughing, that’s fine. All of my friends and co-workers laughed at me in the beginning too and now they’re like TELL ME HOW YOU LOST THE WEIGHT and I’m like I DID AND YOU LAUGHED, REMEMBER.

(Just a side note to remind you that I was also laughed at when I said I was going to be a vegetarian and THAT WAS IN 1996, so…clearly your laughter is what fuels my dedication.)

Exercise

So, at the end of 2016, I decided I need more happiness in my life and I remembered that a year ago, I had discovered kpop aerobics on YouTube, so I thought, well, I’m hovering at 170 pounds here. I need to start exercising again and that music makes me happy, so why not.

Not only was I working out nearly every day, but my mindset had shifted from Doom & Gloom to I Can’t Wait to Go Home and Workout! And I was having so much that it didn’t even feel like exercise!

So, find the right workout for you. Look, it doesn’t have to be some fucking insane meathead program like CrossFit or whatever the fuck. Start by taking daily walks, like I said earlier, and go from there. If you like dancing but don’t want to take classes (that’s my phobia!), check out YouTube because Zumba workouts are a dime a dozen on there.

There’s Bollywood workouts, even! Caribbean dance workouts! They probably have Alpine ones too, who knows!

So the trick is basically, well, tricking yourself into forgetting that you’re exercising.

However, I do also like legit workouts, especially strength-training, so I also do Jillian Michaels (Chooch and I are currently doing her Body Revolution program). The trick is to have a variety so it’s not a draaaaag.

If anyone is interested, the links to the Kpop dance fitness YouTube channels I frequent the most are below. THEY ARE SO MUCH FUN!

Non-Kpop Channels:

But wait, there’s more: you know how “experts” always say that there’s no secret to weight loss, it’s literally just diet and exercise? Well, I wish I could say that they’re wrong and that mystery wrist-salve I bought off an infomercial in 1999 was the real key to weight loss, but they’re right. At least from my personal experience. Fuck the pills. Fuck the gimmicks. Maybe even fuck the gym membership – because if you’re interested in starting the process without getting burnt out, just start WALKING like I said before. I can’t stress enough how amazing the simple act of walking-for-exercise can be. And while you’re walking, start thinking about how you can change your diet.

Wow, what a segue!

DIET

When I was a kid, I thought diets were mainly Melba toast and cottage cheese and then when I was 20, I thought diets were starving yourself and then eating an entire pizza in a closet at 2am on a Tuesday. Then when I was 30, I thought diets were eating bland cabbage soup every day for a month. But like, apparently…you can still EAT while on a diet as long as you pay attention to the choices you make and then maybe also do that portion control thing that Oprah probably cried about in the 90s on her show that I didn’t watch.

Since I had become so entrenched in Kpop, it was a natural progression into other parts of Korean culture and one of those parts was the cuisine. I had started watching all kinds of YouTube videos and decided that South Korea was the place for me, and in order to feel closer to it, I asked Henry to start making me Korean food for dinner.

Of course, he was like, “Whatever” because this certainly wasn’t the weirdest thing I ever asked of him, and to be fair, Henry really enjoys cooking. My modified Korean meals are either rice or noodle-based and loaded with vegetables. Sometimes they’re broth-y, sometimes that have a wonderful dollop of gochujang. They’re almost always topped with either a poached or fried egg. I also eat kimchi nearly every day. My meals are nearly 100% unprocessed and around the 300-calorie range, and I am fucking FULL afterward.

Perhaps Henry could guest-blog sometime with some recipes, haha.

Choosing an ethnic cuisine to base a diet on is also really fun because it keeps it new and exciting! We do the bulk of our grocery shopping at various international markets, mostly Asian ones, and it’s exciting whenever I see a new-to-me fruit or vegetable! Choose a diet that allows you to be adventurous! Rice and veggies only sounds boring but the rice and veggies eat for dinner is super exotic and filling.

Currently, my breakfast is either a little bit of rice with kimchi, a poached egg, and laver (dried sheets of seaweed) or a bowl of Cinnamon Life with almond milk. I’m not a big breakfast person but you know what “they” say – don’t skip your breakfast!

My work-lunches are really sad and that has nothing to do with dieting. For years I have been having either oatmeal or Cream of Wheat, usually with an added banana. The reason for this bland meal is because I honestly cannot stand eating a heavier lunch and then having to sit at my desk for the rest of the day. If I’m not at work, my lunches are similar to  my dinners. But at work, I eat lightly and bookend it with a morning and afternoon snack – either a hardboiled egg (good thing I’m not a vegan because I eat a ton of eggs) or fruit. Depending on what our snack options are at work, I might grab something like a Special K pastry thin or a Fig Bar.

And sweet potatoes. I eat sweet potatoes like candy. OMG roasted sweet potatoes are like Nature’s Motherfucking Candy Bar, for real. There’s a reason why this is a popular Korean street food, you guys.

I also eat chocolate if I want to, and I’ll have a cookie if I want to. But I think about it first. Because the third part of my made up weight loss regimen is….

Food Tracking

Since I started this two years ago, I’ve lost 20 pounds. Remember when I said I lose weight slowly? Yeah. Genetics. But then I plateaued this summer because we were traveling a lot and my eating was getting out of whack. Like, I was having bagels for breakfast every morning and snacking on Cheez-its at work. I knew that I still wanted to lose about 10 more pounds, so around October, I signed up for a free trial of Noom. I thought it was just a food-tracking system, and it mostly is, but it also teaches you a lot about the psychology behind weight loss and weight gain. I know, that sounds terrible. But Noom does it in a way where it’s interesting and conversational, and it only takes about 5 minutes a day to plow through.

What I like about it is that they break up food into three color-coded categories and tell you how much you can have, based on your weight loss goal. So things like chocolate and whatever are obviously considered “red” but I know that I can have so many calories of them a day, so I don’t feel like it’s off-limits or that I’m being deprived. And even foods like almonds are considered “red” — they’re good for you but only in limited quantities which is something I always liked to purposely ignore because I love almonds and want to eat them all.

For me personally, it’s the perfect tracking system.

Since starting Noom, I’ve lost 10 more pounds and I’m happy where I am! It has helped me regain that willpower which I had lost. So now when I’m at my desk at work, thinking about snagging some chocolate, I will have a conversation in my head to see if I REALLY want it or if it’s a fleeting craving. Usually, it’s fleeting and I’ll just chug some water and refocus on whatever annoying work thing is in front of me, or I’ll get up and do a lap around the department. But if I’m still writing sonnets to See’s chocolates in my head, then I’ll go and have a piece and move on with my life.

Man, typing this out makes it seem so simple and implied, but these are all things that I honestly had to be taught.

I’m pretty sure there are free tracking apps out there too and you could always go analog and use a paper journal to log your food! But the reason why I opted for Noom was because I knew that if I was paying for it, I would use it. That’s just how I am.

Oh yeah….WATER

Drink it. Drink lots of it. Even when you feel like you can’t possibly gag back anymore, chug away motherfuckers! I didn’t realize how dehydrated I was until I started actually keeping tab on my water intake. I started feeling better almost immediately and my skin is great!

***

To wrap this up, the last thing I want to say is DON’T LET YOUR WEIGHT CONSUME YOU.

I’m not going to lie, this is something that I’m still working on. I still get obsessed with the number on the scale and I am working so hard to stop being afraid of food when it’s out of my control, for example: a work lunch that interrupts my routine and forces me to eat something that I can’t easily track. I know better than to get mired down by these things but sometimes I succumb. But, when my work group had our Christmas lunch, I ordered a big fat gourmet grilled cheese and enjoyed it without panic. I just didn’t eat for three days afterward.

I’M KIDDING! DON’T DO THAT!

So, more than “losing weight,” my goal for 2019 is to calm the eff down and stop being so hyperactive about progress, plateaus, and (p)routines. I feel like I’m really close to finding a balance now that I know better what works for me and what my no-no foods are.

You know that annoying thing fitness gurus say about how this is a lifestyle change or whatever the fuck? I’M SORRY but they’re right ugh. I learned that I am always going to have to be mindful of what I eat and keep fitness a part of my daily life otherwise all my hard work is gonna be flushed down the commode. No more invincibility.

My whole point, from what I personally have learned, is that weight loss is going to be different for everyone. What works for you might not work for me, and while cardio-dancing to BIGBANG and Sistar and eating rice and noodles works for me, it…you know, might not work for you, lol. I finally learned that I had to tailor a program to suit my own personality, interests, and lifestyle, and I had to reason with myself that my goal weight might not actually be the weight my body wants to be – I do have a lot of muscle, after all!

And this reasoning is what worked for me.

So, I’m sorry that I didn’t have an easy answer! Trust me, I wish it was as easy as taking a pill everyday (my friend Brian and I were devastated with fen-phen was banned, lol), drinking apple cider vinegar and maple syrup, or rubbing mysterious salve on my wrists. But I had to actually work for it even though most days, it feels less like work and just like, I don’t know, living.

(Just want to reiterate that everyone is different, I am not a doctor or any sort of licensed expert although I do have a bartending license thing so don’t do something dumb and then try to sue me. This is just the system I’ve found that works well for myself, but hopefully it gave you some insight!)

Jan 092019
 

First full week where I’m in the office every day since November probably and bitch it shows. I’m struggling.

We had a new admin start on Monday and today she had to suffer through two whole hours of being trained by me. I asked her if anyone had showed her the supply room yet and when she said yes I guess I looked noticeably sad because she said, “We…could go again?” So we did! But it was sad because the supply room guy told me that they’re no longer stocking my favorite red pens — they’re his favorite too so we bonded over that and he encouraged me to take a bunch since they’ll be NOTHING BUT A MEMORY soon.

It’s fine.

Anyway, new admin told me that she thought we were the same age and she is only in her late 20s so I will be keeping this one.

This drive-by blog post is brought to you by my burnt out brain and this great Winner video:

ETA: Lol just realized I posted the wrong video not that anyone cares but we’ll leave that one there as a bonus bc this a cool rookie group, and here is the actual Winner video, wow such generosity on my part: