Nov 162018
 

It’s Friday and I’m still alive, so you know what that means! Here’s some 5 things.

  1. Emarosa

You guys! Emarosa dropped a video for one of their new songs, and when I say new I mean NEW NEW. This is like a brand new Emarosa. Pop-infused. Dance-y. Ready to mingle with Carly Rae record collection.  I’m in love and already can’t wait for the full release in February! A super important fact about this video is that it was choreographed by my friend Lizzie, whom I actually met a few years ago through our shared love for Emarosa. I have really enjoyed getting to know her and watching her lightning-quick progression as a dancer and choreographer. She is amazing and I can only hope that I get to see her perform in person someday! She’s also in this video, and you’ll catch her in the middle of the formation in most of the dance scenes. Lizzie + Emarosa = <3<3<3

2. Taemin light stick

A few weeks ago, I went in on a group Taemin light stick order with the Canada SHINee Twitter group. This particular light stick was made specifically for his recent solo tour in Japan and I needed it like a preteen girl in the 80s needs the latest Bonne Bell or Lipsmackers flavor. Yeah, it was like that.

Henry texted me when I was work yesterday and said that there was package out for delivery and I knew it had to be the light stick, so I thought my shitty day was finally going to have a light(stick) at the end of the tunnel. But then he texted me again later that night because he got a notification that there was a delivery attempt, but no one was home so we’d have to reschedule — HE WAS SITTING RIGHT BY THE FRONT DOOR THE WHOLE TIME AND SAID THERE WERE NO FOOTPRINTS IN THE SNOW ON OUR SIDEWALK. USPS, you lying motherfuckers. So today I was working from home and I left a shitty note taped to the door saying they better not even try that shit again because someone was going to be home ALL DAY so maybe TRY KNOCKING?! Anyway, it was delivered today by the regualr mailman, who just stuck it in the mailbox so why that couldn’t have happened yesterday, who knows, but you better believe I was on the warpath about this and had my ink and quill all ready to go until I realized that sending a letter would just HELP THE USPS so I guess I will email them my totally level-headed complaint instead.

WORTH IT!!

3. Teen Center volunteers love me

Hey remember how I hate the Teen Center because they stole my son? Well I’ll cut them some slack because EVIDENTLY Chooch was talking to the volunteers about going to see Emarosa a couple weeks ago, and one of the guys there knows Emarosa too and thought that was cool, so Chooch told him about how we became friendly with Bradley and then showed them the article that Alternative Press wrote about his relationship with the band, and they were like, “WOW U R C00L” so then he stated showing them other pictures of concerts, etc and told them the most important part, which is that HIS MOM is the one who is into these things and takes him to concerts and they were like WHOA YR MOM IS C00L and then one of the girl volunteers said that she wished I was her mom too, so you know what? Teen Center’s not too bad.

4. Today’s lunch

As mentioned previously, I was working from home today which was fine but then came lunch time and I was like, “shit fuck piss what am I going to have for lunch?” I’m on a slight diet, nothing extreme, but I do need to log my food which is great when Henry is here and I chuck my phone at him and say, “Here, you do this” because only he knows how much hemlock he put in tonight’s dinner. So I called him freaking out and he was like, “Just eat the stuff I prepared for you” BUT I DID NOT KNOW HOW TO LOG THAT so instead, I grabbed a handful of ingredients that I could easily enter into my app and that is how I ended up with this plated slop for lunch:

The egg was supposed to be on top of the Boca burger, but it slid off and almost continued sliding right off the plate, but I saved it with my hand and then the yolk broke so that made me sad because I wasn’t ready for it to break yet, OK.

I thought I could heat up the sweet potato and Boca burger on the same plate, at the same time, but I GUESS I THOUGHT WRONG because I didn’t take Microwave Class in college.

Anyway, lunch was fine. I’m fine. It’s all fine. 괜찮아.

(This is why I eat OATMEAL for lunch every day at work.)

5. More roller coaster stuff

Watching theme park vlogs all week while sick has really saved me, I haven’t had the energy to watch K-dramas on account of having to read subtitles and you know, I HAVE BEEN SICK in case you missed every single post this past week where I have whined about it like I have an actual plague. Henry got really disgusted out of nowhere the one night and actually seemed mad that I’m not a vlogger?! “You would think that after spending your entire teenage years videotaping EVERYTHING that being on YouTube would have been something you’d have been into it early on!” I mean, it’s true — you can ask my family and any friend I still have from my high school years (surprisingly still quite a few of them) and they will surely tell you with absolute disdain that there was at least one occasion they had a camcorder shoved in their face. But to be honest, I hate my voice and it’s a blessing for the world that I never got into YouTube. I did actually upload a video a long time ago of the time I made Henry take me to Cleveland to see Tha Crossroads, literally E.99 and St. Clair where Bone Thugs n Harmony used to hang out (I was a huge Bone fan in high school, before MTV made it “cool” for dumb white people to like them), but I was SO ANNOYING in the video that literal strangers were commenting to say THAT BITCH IS ANNOYING. So…

But also, watching all these theme park vlogs made me remember this time when I was in middle school and my aunt, who worked at the University of Pittsburgh at the time, knew someone who worked in the marketing department for Kennywood and she was able to get a poster of what the park’s brand new coaster (Steel Phantom) was going to look like. She gave it to me to take to school and show everyone and I was so excited to share it! At the time, this was the world’s tallest steel coaster so it was a huge deal. But one of the guys in my class had a strong desire to one-up me so he CALLED Kennywood and got someone to tell him all of the stats for the coaster, just so he could come in the next day and piggyback off me with more information. It was clearly something that annoyed me enough to where I still harbor ill feelings about it. OK FINE I THINK ABOUT IT EVERY TIME I RIDE THAT DAMN RIDE.

In other coaster news, I have vacations planned around theme parks all the way to 2020. Henry is so excited!

Nov 092018
 

Moodiness & political drama aside, November has started off pretty nicely. Sometimes I get so bogged down by the news and the pissiness of people around me that I forget that things under my own roof are just fucking swell. So here are some things from the last week that have made me excited, smile, or just laugh my ugly face right off.

(Otherwise known as “I’m Trying To Clean Up My Camera Roll So Here Are Pictures.”)

  • A SATURDAY NIGHT IN WEST VIRGINIA

Shit, I know what you’re thinking: How fun could a night in WV honestly be? But look, listen. There was one last haunted house I wanted to go to before slamming the door on another successful haunt season, but it’s TWO HOURS AWAY in Weston, WV. I’ve been twice before and I can tell you that it’s worth it, so I got Janna to agree to go too and Henry reluctantly drove us (I’m not great at night-driving, OK?! It’s a miracle I got us home from Fright Farm a few weeks ago). Chooch and I were rambunctious from the start because there is something about Janna that just seriously activates our Giddy Mode. It’s not even that she instigates us or anything, but more so that she is so freaking easy-going and basically ignores us that it just makes us react even harder. As you can imagine, Henry LOVES this. For instance, we stopped at a Sheetz in some rural area and Chooch was getting a “Hollywood Snack” pack and became deadset on getting Janna to buy one too. She eventually conceded and while we were cackling over this like hyenas in the car, Janna calmly said, “I HAVE HAD THIS BEFORE, CHOOCH, IT’S NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL.”

OMG BUT IT WAS!

Then we were laughing because we she was taking so long inside Sheetz so we just left her in there. When she finally came out, she wasn’t even hurrying back to the car! SHE WAS IN THERE FOR SO LONG THAT HENRY WAS CHECKING THE OIL AND CLEANING OUT THE TRUNK!?

I’ll skip the haunted house part because I’m going to make Chooch write about that (lol, I love bossing him around) but we got stuck with an annoying family (I mean, aside from my own) so the haunt wasn’t as great because of that (the dad of all people was the one who ruined it for us because he was such a slow idiot and even the rest of his family was like “PAUL, GO FASTER!” because other groups were catching up to us, and it wasn’t until the next day when I was like,, “Oh shit, they were actually saying ‘Pa'” and then that just made it even funnier to me). By the time we got out of there, it was after 9 and we hadn’t eaten dinner yet, so Henry took us to DJs 50’s and 60s Diner, which is where we ate last year on the way home from the same haunt, but this time it was blessedly uncrowded. (Last year, it was after some football game so that place was packed with Trumpers.)

Chooch took this picture of his loving parents. Henry’s face was varying levels of anger and annoyance throughout the meal, especially when he summoned our waitress after we ordered because he wanted to tack on an appetizer for himself but when the waitress came over, Chooch cut him off to ask her what the wi-fi password was and then they were both talking to her at the same time and she was like WHAT TO DO but she ultimately chose to make Chooch’s request her priority and I thought Henry was going to flip the table especially later on when she came back with his appetizer and we all lunged for it so he ended up with only one deep fried banana pepper.

The trials and tribs of Henry J.

Chooch and I were fighting each other for Janna’s “good fries” because I am a super ridiculous fry snob with very narrow criteria that Henry hasn’t been able to decode in the 18  years I’ve been snatching “good fries” from his plates, and I managed to pass this trait down to Chooch which sucks because he knows EXACTLY the ones I like and has himself convinced that HE likes them the best too and now there is always a war over fries, even worse than when America was mad at France and took it out on french fries by renaming them FREEDOM FRIES.

But look, Chooch and I aren’t complete savages about this – we have enough civility to BARTER. Yes, that’s right, for every “good fry” we steal from someone else’s (read: Henry’s) plate, we toss in one of our own rejects. Janna was getting tired of us launching our unwanted fries onto her plate and eventually yelled, in her own way, “Oh my god, just take the ones you want! I don’t care!” and the fact that we managed to get Janna worked up over this made Chooch laugh so hard that he had to run to the bathroom to maybe-puke.

BUT HE TOOK A FRY WITH HIM!

Meanwhile, the waitress (a very sweet young girl who patiently endured our hour-long visit) came over to refill my coffee so I purposely held my cup over Henry’s lap and I was trying to hold back my giddy bray the whole time which only made it worse and the whole sitch ended up being awkward because I’m sure she thought I was laughing at her, but no, I was just being an asshole to my own people.

And then I got Janna to subscribe to my blog after 11 years!!

And then I took a picture of my gardenburger and cracked up all over again because who seriously takes a picture of a diner veggie patty.

AND THEN WHEN WE WERE LEAVING, WE SAW THIS PICTURE IN THE VESTIBULE. LOLOLOLOL..

Oh for god’s sake, I needed all that laughter. My cheeks felt like they were going to split!

  • CUTE BLOUSES WITH THINGS ON IT

I’m a sucker for blouses with things on it. I don’t care how juvenile it is! I recently bought these two cutie shirts from F21 and they put me in a great mood:

The horse one has such great sleeves, which is another thAng I’m a sucker for.

(I had a friend who hated when I said thang instead of thing and even though I use it sparingly these days, it’s not without a bucket of smugness.)

CLOSEUP OF MY BEE BLOUSE. I love bees.

  • OBLIGATORY CAT PICTURE

  • MORE LIBRARY DRAMA

Well, Son of the Year finally had his library ban lifted so he went there the other night to get a book for his next genre report but he was DENIED when he went to check it out because he allegedly has three overdue books, about which I know NOTHING, and he naturally came home and couldn’t find them and look, I’m not dealing with this shit. He can rake some yards to pay off his library debt or go to Book Jail for all I care.

So then the other night I was like, “Oh yeah, when do you need to choose a book for your report?” thinking that maybe we could just go to like, Half Dollar Books this weekend but he said, “Tomorrow.”

TO-MOR-ROW.

Because they have to turn their books for the teacher’s dumb approval before they can start working on the reports, you know?

I was like, “YOU LITTLE SON OF A—-” and then stormed off into my bedroom to find him a book to use. (Luckily I have lots of young adult books, lol.) I intended to lend him Charlotte Sometimes (the book that inspired the Cure song of the same name!) but then he was like WHAT IS THIS ONE and that’s how Christopher Pike’s seminal classic Chainletter became the subject of Chooch’s genre report.

You’re welcome, 7th grade Communications Teacher.

  • TAEMIN’S JAPANESE SELF-TITLED ALBUM

Look, you knew there was going to be at least one mention of Taemin in this post. He’s all I have while G-Dragon is fulfilling his military duties! Anyway, I have been loving Taemin’s latest release, which is Japanese and I usually don’t like Japanese versions of K-pop songs, but it’s TAEMIN so I’m OK with it. Plus, the new “just-for-Japan” tracks are killer. My favorite so far is HOLY WATER:

And also this immaculate performance of Eclipse. If I ever get to see him perform live in front of me, under the same roof,  I don’t know if my legs will be able to hold me up. Taemin, come  to America and let’s find out!

Well, on that note, I’m gonna peace right on outta here. Have a great weekend,  don’t jaywalk, etc etc etc.

 

Nov 052018
 
  • I was having a, well, Moody Monday, but then Sandy texted me that she saw Downtown Jesus having a rest outside of CVS, and it made me smile. I love that my co-workers text me now with Downtown Jesus’s whereabouts! I almost landed in his lap Friday morning when I was leaving the trolley station, because as I rounded the corner to take the steps, he was all sprawled out at the bottom and I almost stepped right onto his crotch! I feel like he would have forgiven me. #WWDTJD
    • But then I think about voting tomorrow and I’m right back in a MOOD. A REAL BIG MOOD, AT THAT.
  • There’s another movie being filmed in Pittsburgh for some reason and so on Friday, there was a flurry of activity because it was going on right down the street from work. I guess Ewan McGregor* is in it? He’s not Korean, so DON’T CARE. Anyway, I went outside that afternoon for my daily walk and there was a crowd gathered on the sidewalk up ahead so I was like “I GUESS I WILL CROSS THE STREET” but before I had a chance, some FUCKING POLICE MAN came over and shouted at me (some might even say he BERATED me and by “some” I mean “me” when I write my letter to the mayor) that I was not permitted to continue walking along the sidewalk and that I would have to CROSS THE STREET at which point I scowled at him and said that I was well aware but then he fucking ESCORTED ME and I was so mad about this – I am already standing on weak, wobbly legs and this fucking pushed me over the edge. I was on the phone with Henry at the time and felt invincible so I started loudlymouthing off about how this jerk-cop was being rude to me and that this movie is SO DISRUPTIVE TO THE CITY because I turn into a bratty 15-year-old in the face of authority and start talking super loud so that everyone will know that I am upset about a thing, and Henry was like, “Please don’t get arrested.” Then I ran into my friend Chris and told her what happened and we had a moment of hateful solidarity because she gets it, man.
  • *(CORRECTION: IT IS SETH ROGAN. THANK YOU, CARRIE!)
  • SPEAKING OF FEELING INVINCIBLE: I lost two more pounds recently (thx, Noom) and anytime that happens, I start to feel invincible, like I can stuff any kind of foods into my fat maw and I will just miraculously keep losing weight; luckily Noom has been helping me veer away from that kind of destructive thinking. But I’ll tell you what doesn’t help: a co-worker bringing in not one but TWO majestic platters of pre-holiday cookies and I want to fucking SWAN DIVE into them, you have no idea. I’ve inventoried each one like 4 times in an hour because I am forever fat and during one of my inspections, I noticed that there are also BUCKEYES in there. I’m crying. Homemade baked goods are always coming for me.
    • TODD IS GETTING COOKIES RIGHT NOW AND I AM JEL.
      • Pfft. Dieting, amirite?
      • I will probs have a Snickerdoodle eventually though because YOLO and ‘why so srs,’ etc. etc. etc.
  • This Is Us jumped on the Hallyu bandwagon and I was left feeling pretty uncomfortable after watching the last episode. It just didn’t feel like an organic story arc and even referencing kpop felt cheap to me. I really like this show but that was a big no for me, like they just want to put their big American meathooks into the Korean craze like all the other dumb media here.
  • Speaking of kpop!! (LOL, like I need a segue for that.) I’m pretty excited about some recent comebacks. One is the mighty EXO, and it’s a really huge deal in Kpopland because they haven’t been given a proper comeback in over a year which is almost unheard of in this industry. They are super super super big in South Korea too so I can only imagine how exciting it is over there right now! Anyway, below, I will share their new video and also a live music show performance of their second song which I think I like better than the main single, actually. Also, I saw their album yesterday at Target. TARGET!!
    • Maybe This Is Us will have one of their songs on their next episode. ㅎㅎㅎㅎ

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iwd8N6K-sLk

(Chanyeol is my favorite, in case you were wondering.)

  • When I ask Henry if we are definitely going back to Korea next summer, he says things like, “probably” and “I don’t see why not” and that’s great and all, but the answer I am looking for is a big fat solid YES.
    • I want to go there and have birthday bingsoo. If I have to turn 40, let it be while I’m face-first in some fancy-ass Sulbing.
  • Today when I left work, IT WAS DARK OUT AND THAT MADE ME MOODY AGAIN.
  • Then I came home and everyone immediately started fighting over Chooch’s stupid Halloween candy. The accusations were flung and flying, you guys, I forgot how much I LOVE this time of year. Chooch and Henry mostly fight because Henry is a fucking chocolate hog and eats like 85% of Chooch’s haul every year, and then Henry gets all defensive and uses the “I AM THE PROVIDER OF THE HOUSE AND LAST TIME I CHECKED I CAN DO WHAT I WANT” and I’m like “HOW ABOUT ADDING ‘THROWING OUT WRAPPERS’ TO THAT LIST OF THINGS YOU CAN DO, BIG GUY!” because that’s the role I play in this annual argument – I don’t care who eats what, just fucking throw your garbage away, assholes! There was an Almond Joy wrapper on the coffee table and Chooch was like I DON’T EVEN LIKE ALMOND JOY and Henry was like, “I DID NOT EAT THAT” so now I guess I have to interrogate the cats and Trudy the Mannequin, OK. (AND NO IT WASN’T ME BUT HAD I KNOWN THERE WAS AN ALMOND JOY, YES, IT WOULD HAVE BEEN ME.)
    • BUT I WOULD HAVE THROWN THE WRAPPER AWAY BECAUSE I’M NOT A BARBARIAN.
  • Chooch and I just walked to CVS and he was all excited because his favorite cashier JOHN was working and I was happy too that it wasn’t that weird meth lady who ruined my Halloween candy buying experience last week. So we got in line and I was like, “Oh well, we’re not going to get John” because he was still checking out the people in front of us when the younger guy at the next register said he could take us. Chooch got all dramatic like it was life or death for John to check us out so I awkwardly said, “Oh. Um, he’s…waiting for John…” and the younger guy (WHO I LIKE TOO BECAUSE HE ALWAYS SAYS WITTY THINGS THAT HENRY NEVER RESPONDS TO BECAUSE HE PROBABLY DOESN’T UNDERSTAND THEM) said, “Ugh, whatever! Fine!” and John was all, “What? What’s going on?” and the other guy said, “Ugh, they’re waiting for YOU!” all theatrically and it was hilarious. John peeked around the people in front of us, and when he saw who it was, he happily exclaimed, “OH! HENRY!” which is what he jokingly calls Chooch because Chooch goes there all the time after school and uses Henry’s phone number for the CVS card lookup thing so now John just refers to him as Henry as a joke. Meanwhile, the lines got all screwed up because of this because since we weren’t moving over to the other guy’s register, people behind us thought they had to stay in our line for some reason so John’s line was growing while the other guy was like, begging people to come to his register. Way to go Chooch.
    • When the girl in front of us left, she stopped to say that she loves my cow print coat and asked me where I got it, but I couldn’t remember which Young Girl store it was: Contempo, Delia’s, or Wet Seal; but in any case, it was probably 20 years ago so it’s basically vintage at this point. I always feel like I’m such a plain jane but then cold weather comes and everyone is like I LOVE YOUR COAT. Anyway, she was disappointed when I didn’t say “Forever21, last weekend!”
    • One time, Chooch told me, “I like John a lot, that’s why I would never steal from CVS” and I was like, “That’s great but how about just don’t steal from anywhere because it’s wrong!?!?” Dum dum.

Well guys, we had a bunch of card orders come in today so I guess I’m going to wrap up this moody blog post and annoy Henry while he does card stuff. Be back later in the week with a recap of the Emarosa show (!!!!), stuff from Saturday night, and probably more Chooch haunted house reviews.

Oct 312018
 

Not gonna lie, it sure doesn’t feel like Halloween. I’m still relatively numb and dead inside so my goal for today is HAPPY THOUGHTS and staying busy because you know what they say, life goes on muthafuckas.

I mean there was a show called that and everything. (Corky Forever.)

Lets start with this inspirational graffiti I took a picture of last week before some asshole walked into a synagogue and made an entire group of people feel otherwise:

Things to be excited about/happy thoughts/good moments/etc etc:

  • I’m working on a Cure mini-Valentine set for my shop! It’s been on my back burner for too long so I’m forging ahead, finally.
  • Taemin’s Japanese solo album!! He just did a bunch of huge concerts over there and watching fan videos from it on YouTube have been breathing actual life into me. I finally found more than just a 30 second snip of him performing my favorite song Rise. I swear, it’s a life goal for me to hear/see him perform this song live. I’d pay VIP prices just for that alone. Especially now this song just sucker punches my heart.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RGcf0dq74UY

And this! Taemin, you give us so much:

  • Going to see Emarosa tomorrow night at Smiling Moose! That’s going to be weird. I’m so far removed from Western music/concerts and it’s been like a year and a half since I was last at Smiling Moose when it felt like that place my second home for a minute there. So funny how different my life is now.
  • Margie, our new-ish admin person, told me last week that I remind her of Phoebe from Friends and I was like, “I WILL TAKE THAT AS A COMPLIMENT.” I think I was telling her about Trudy, our resident Xmas mannequin, which came up because my other work friend Nate was talking about this one lady on a different floor and I said, “Oh she likes me, we bonded when she gave me her mom’s wig.” Margie was like “??” and I said, “Oh it was for Trudy” and then I remembered she probably didn’t know Trudy, so I tacked on, “My mannequin” and Margie was still like “??” so I said, “She’s my Christmas tree” and then we reached the point where words didn’t work anymore so I just showed her pictures on my phone and she was like, “!!”

  • I am still not over DramaFever abandoning us, but thankfully YG Future Strategy Office is on Netflix (it’s an Office-like show about Seungri from BIGBANG running YG Entertainment’s new agency and it’s extremely over-the-top and hilarious. (Probably not for anyone who doesn’t know who Seungri is. Or YG. Or BIGBANG. Or Kpop. Or South Korea.) I also started watching some new shows on Viki and that platform is fine (they have Running Man at least, which DramaFever had lost the licensing for!) but I still have no way of finishing the shows I was already watching on DF, like “Devilish Joy,” “Third Charm,” and “The Bride of the Water God” so if anyone is reading this who has any K-Drama intel, please help! I need my Seo Kang Joon fix.

Image result for seo kang joon

  • We had a huge Halloween blowout last night because I said again, for the second year, that I am fucking RETIRED as Halloween Costume Idea Come-Upper but then it was All Hallows Eve and Chooch was like a mass of undulating question marks and every idea he had required going to the Halloween store/overnighting shit from Amazon/heavy duty construction/$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ and I was like, “THIS IS WHY I STARTED PRODDING YOU ABOUT THIS IN JULY.” I gave him two pop culture/Top 40 song references to use and he was going to go with one of them but then Blake told him no one would get it so I got mad and screamed JUST FORGET IT but then I thought of something easy and Chooch was like, “Love it” and it only requires two easily acquired things and this is the story of how I got to spend the rest of my evening watching “The Smile Has Left Your Eyes” (really great k-drama I’m watching on Viki!) and a documentary on YouTube about some unintentionally creepy roadside theme park in Oregon that was built entirely by one family. It was a good night free of cutting cardboard boxes and hot-gluing felt. Halloween just doesn’t feel like Halloween anymore! Take me back to the 80s please.

  • ^^^^^^^^This is like the best metaphor of Janna’s friendship with me.
  • This isn’t a happy thought at all but Some People’s President was in my city yesterday, even though he was asked repeatedly not to come, and I had the extreme displeasure of being out on my lunch break walk (I was late shift yesterday so I took my break at 4) when the motorcycle cops started screaming at people like the jackasses they are (seriously, every motorcycle cop, man—why are such assholes?!), blocking intersections in preparation for the Douche Parade, so I figured, eh, why not, I’ve got time. I hung out on the sidewalk across from the Greyhound Station, and there weren’t very many other people to greet the Great Orange Racist, that’s for sure. I was on the phone with Henry and he was nervous because my temper and extreme disdain for authority can get out of control (I’m all mouth, don’t worry), and I’m like, “Hey man, will I go to jail if I flip him off” and Henry was just like, “Please god, be careful” so then I just opted for the mature “thumbs down” instead which was fine but not the greatest carrier for my vitriolic message, but whatever. So there was just a very small throng of people booing and thumbs-downing, with some people cheering too, let’s be real THERE ARE TWO SIDES AFTER ALL, AS BEWILDERING AS IT MAY BE, and as that fucking dreary procession oozed past me, I felt so angry and helpless. There was an older businesswoman standing next to me who was also exercising her right to demonstrate her feelings, and some fucking pudding-faced MAGA hat-wearing pot stirrer approached her and asked why she wasn’t supporting Trump and at the same time, even thought he didn’t ask me, we both said, “Because we’re not racist.”  He kept trying to provoke her and said said, “Sir, I’m not doing this with you. Have a good day” and marched off and then I walked back to work among people who were saying things like, “I don’t want him in my city” and it felt good to be a part of that but I didn’t realize how sick to my stomach it was going to make me, knowing that I was that close to such a complete and utter piece of shit.  I can honestly say that I have never actually hated anyone in my life, in spite of my tendency to overuse that word, until now. I hate him.

  • But!!!!!!!! Then I saw Downtown Jesus cruisin’ on foot in the middle of the street afterward and it made me feel oddly calm.

  • I’m off work today (I use my floating holiday for Halloween every year, lol) and patrolled Brookline Boulevard – it’s my favorite in October because a lot of the storefronts are decorated and even Maureen at the post office was in good spirits and made sure I took some candy from the bowl on the counter. My Mexican boyfriend cheerfully yelled Hola! to me from behind his taco cart, and the broad at 802 Coffee was sporting a witch hat while she made my overpriced latte. And today is one of the only sincerely perfectly-fall days we’ve had here all October – bright blue skies, yellow leaves, and 60 degrees. It’s like an autumn paradise out there — for now, anyway. It’s supposed to rain later, probably right when Trick or Treating starts because why not.

I took a Snickers. Thanks, Maureen! Thanks also for scanning in my envelope without 20 questions or telling me about your latest family drama.

This is how the front of Brookline & Sinker (har har) is decorated. This bar is the diviest of all dives on Brookline Blvd. It’s where recently some guy tried to rob it with a machete. WHAT IS IT WITH THIS CITY AND MACHETES?! Jason Voorhees would be so fucking proud.

NO FILTER ON THIS BEAUTE.

Me, today. I stole Chooch’s Lucipurr shirt.

Well guys, that’s about all the happiness I have to share for this week. I have to conserve my energy so that when Henry comes home, I can resume jumping around him while chanting TAKE US TO DOLLYWOOD which is my current strategy to get him to TAKE US TO DOLLYWOOD.

Oct 042018
 

I still haven’t quite come back down from this past weekend. Every time I sit down to write in here, I get sidetracked by watching YouTube videos of the BTS concert which is baffling to Henry because he’ll never understand post-show sadness and my inherent need to relive every single of the night by watching shaky fan-cam videos on YouTube.

And then I realized, shit fuck goddamn it’s October and I’ve been so caught up in other things that I hadn’t even went to a haunted house yet or EVEN MADE MY HAUNTED HOUSE SCHEDULE?? What is happening to me. It’s been a weird week. So instead of recapping BTS, K-Expo (oh, so much to say), and NYC, I’ve been frantically researching haunts, scribbling out a shoddy Halloween calendar, and then I had to finish writing in my haunted house journal from last year because I hadn’t recapped the last two we went to so I cheated and printed out Chooch’s blog reviews and taped them into my journal. I’m a failure.

I’m not even decorating for Halloween at work this year! Who am I?! (The stuff in the pictures up there are always on my desk so I can’t count that as “decorating” for Halloween.)

We did finally (lol “finally” like it’s so late) go to our first haunt of the season last night and I’m sure Chooch will be writing about that on here just as soon as I find incentive for him. I have to put all my thoughts into that journal up there but I will say this:

  • I hit my shoulder off something when I was being chased by  two savage chainsaw guys and it is YELLING at me right now;
  • When Henry picked us up (he went to the craft store while we were in the haunted house, lol), Chooch and I started telling him about all the things that happened and  then we started fighting about it because we can’t even agree on what happened in a haunted house. #siblingsormom&son

In other news:

  • I started watching a Kdrama called “Wife I Know” without really knowing much about the premise and it’s making  me really sad! Basically, this guy is like, “Ugh my wife is a monster” and she’s always screaming at him and he has to play his stupid video games in secret because she’ll get mad, and because of some wormhole thing that is confusing, he gets transported back to 2006 on the exact day he meets her but he changes things on purpose so that they don’t meet and he ends up going out on a date with another girl he liked back then, the “one who got away.” Then he wakes up in present day time, and by altering that one day, he’s now married to the second girl, but the original wife comes into his life by getting a job at the same bank he works at, so now he has to work with her and is all freaked out because she doesn’t obviously doesn’t know that in another dimension or whatever, they were married, etc etc etc. It makes me sad though because the whole point is that he’s rediscovering her and remembering all the things he used to love about her, and then he realizes that she wasn’t a monster, but it was him who MADE her act like a monster. So then I start thinking obviously about what would have happened if I went the “normal” route and went to college right after high school instead of getting a full-time job in an office, would Henry and I still have eventually met?! So I watch this show and feel all sentimental and think that I should be nicer to him but then when I see him I’m still like, “MAKE ME FOOD. YOUR HAIR LOOKS DUMB. TAKE ME TO KNOEBELS FOR HALLOWEEN. I HATE YOU.” Lol. Oh, Erin.
  • The new diet I started last week is going well, barring the frenzy it threw me into when I forgot that I was going away for the weekend. I’m back to eating proper meals and snacks now, and not like, cottage cheese. Hey, I have to make due with what the road trip gas stations provide, OK?! Anyway, it’s only been a week and two days but I have dropped a handful of pounds without feeling like I’m going to die, so that’s good! The last time I tried a regimented diet, it was Weight Watchers and it worked sort of well at first but I found that as a vegetarian, it was difficult to follow and left me feeling malnourished and lethargic. This one (Noom, if you’re interested) is helping me understand shit better and is kind of fun, sort of, but not really, no diet is fun. Anyway, I felt like I needed to do something to jumpstart me back into things because even though I’m active, my willpower at work was pretty much nonexistent and let’s just say I was leaving lot of wrappers behind in my trash can at the end of every day. Way too much snacking. It’s too soon for me to recommend this app to anyone but I’ll give an update in a few weeks! They promise to have me at my goal weight by December so we’ll see – that’s 15 pounds away and like I said, I shed weight at a snail’s pace. I mean, it took me 10 years to lose the last bit of my pregnancy weight, so….
  • (Noom says I need to share my goals or whatever so here I am, sharing. This feels very 12-Step’ish, not gonna lie.)
  • Last week, my friend Nate committed a huge crime at work. I’ll set the scene: It was a Thursday afternoon. I was standing by Debby I’s desk talking to her, Lori and Regina while holding my BIGBANG coffee cup. Nate strolled over and gestured at my cup. “Hey, did you see them on Good Morning America?” he asked, innocently as criminals are wont to do. “Well, that must have been amazing considering four of them are currently serving in the military because THIS IS BIGBANG NOT BTS, NATE!” He was profusely apologetic and said that he’s not very well-learned in the boy band area and that I couldn’t blame him too much because he wasn’t sitting near me back when I fell into the Kpop Black Hole so he wasn’t educated along with my other work-peeps. I guess I will let it slide this once. I do appreciate that he even wanted to talk to me about it though!
  • TAEMIN THURSDAY:

  • I just scrolled through my Twitter to see if there was anything else I wanted to “talk” about on here today and then I remembered that all I tweeted about for days was that asshole Kavanaugh and #metoo so now I’m stressed out all over again at work. I’m going to need a wig soon, the rate my head has been stress-shedding its hair.
  • Will hijacking Henry’s phone ever be unfunny to me and Chooch? Smrobably not. Henry got a new phone and left his old one on the coffee table but it was connected to WiFi so of course Chooch was like, “DAEBAK let’s post something on his Instagram.” Except that he didn’t say “daebak” because I’m the only one in the house who uses Korean words. Chooch was looking at Henry’s pathetic camera roll and said, “He has the dumbest pictures on here. I’m posting this one of the coffee creamer.” At first I started to tell him not to but then I remembered that I don’t care and screamed, “USE THIS AS THE CAPTION: I DRINK IT STRAIGHT!” Oh god, Chooch and I are so hilarious, can you even stand it. It took Henry like 6 hours to notice that we even did this because he has barely any friends so it’s not like his phone blew up with notifications, lol.

The best part is that Henry doesn’t even drink coffee, but he sends me pictures of creamers when he’s at the store to see if I want him to buy any. ISN’T HE A DOLL.

  • Whoa real time update: I went outside on my break and knew it was supposed to rain so I brought an umbrella, but what I didn’t  know was that it was going to THUNDERSTORM AND DROP BUCKETS OF ICE COLD RAIN ONTO ME, THE VOLUME OF WHICH NO UMBRELLA COULD HANDLE. Let’s just say I’m soaked. Like, my shoes were so thoroughly drenched that I eventually quit trying to jump over puddles because it was impossible for my feet to become more wet, and it wouldn’t matter anyway because the puddles eventually turned into straight up pools. My pants are plastered to my skin, it’s so uncomfortable. I came back to the office looking like a sad, wet orphan rat and my co-workers were so sweet about it and no one made fun of me! The perks of switching desks, you guys! No disparaging Glenn commentary! Anyway, Nate came over with his cardigan for me to wear and Lori gave me one of her big scarves in case I wanted to use it as a makeshift skirt so I could dry my pants. They both kept saying they were concerned I wouldn’t be warm enough, since the office is so goddamn frigid on the daily and we all complain about it but the 2% who are always hot perpetually win the thermostat war. Then I went to the kitchen to make coffee to aid me in the whole “warming up” challenge, but I forgot my work badge on my desk AND I GOT TRAPPED IN THE ELEVATOR BANK and then Wendy of all people walked by and helped me so now she’s all smug about that. I’m having a bad day! I just want to go home and watch kdramas. OMG another co-worker just walked by on her way out and said I could borrow one of her suit jackets if I need extra warmth, everyone is so nice today I could just cry. <3
    • Dear Nate, I take back the bulletpoint where I called you a criminal.

I took this back when I was still dry. I can’t remember what that felt like though.

Sep 232018
 

Here is a lazy day bullet-point round-up. Remember when I used to write real blog posts? ME EITHER.

  • Chooch texted me the other day with the best news ever: BROOKLINE AMATEUR CAR MECHANIC IS MOVING! This is the guy who lives on the other side of Hot Naybor Chris so in a perfect world, I shouldn’t have beef with him but we all share a big driveway between the houses and he takes up 75% of it with his collection of junkmobiles that he obsessively monkey-wrenches. Is that even a thing? I DON’T KNOW AND I DON’T CARE. The point is, he has only lived here for three years and has successfully usurped more than his fair share ALSO HE IGNORES ME WHEN I SAY HELLO and I am the motherfucking OG of this street so he can get fucked, basically is what I’m trying to summarize here for you in case you don’t feel like clicking that linky-link up there. But yeah, it’s true! I came home from work on Thursday and there was a U-Haul in the driveway and now he and his dumb wife and baby-child are gonezo! See ya never, assholes!
    • I asked Henry if he thinks that now he will be able to regain his bromance status with HNC but of course Henry barked, “WE DID NOT HAVE A BROMANCE” but come on, you can’t tell me that he wasn’t bothered, not even a little bit, when this mechanic d-bag moved in and started drinking brewskis with HNC. “WE ARE NOT REALLY FRIENDS OK WE ARE JUST NEIGHBORS AND IF I SEE HIM I SAY HELLO. YOU ARE READING TOO MUCH INTO THIS” except if Henry was typing that, “too” would have been “to” so this was not a very authentic dialogue recap.
      • Speaking on HNC, he made a cameo photobomb in this picture!!

I sent it to my friend Alyson straightaway because she is one of the few people who understands the greatness of HNC. Immediately she wanted to know what he was doing lurking by the garbage and I guessed that maybe he was taking inventory in case his garbage is stolen again!

  • This is a very thing to feel inadequate about, but I was thinking recently that I wish I drank more. Almost all of my friends are super into beer and I struggled for years to acquire a taste for it. I did eventually get to the point where I can finish one glass/bottle if I put forth my best effort, but the truth is, I just don’t really care much for drinking. I guess I should be proud of that fact but at the same time, I want to “fit in” more with my friends who are all about going to breweries and getting excited for this season’s pumpkin beers. But I can think of a million other things I would rather do than sit in a fucking uppity brewhouse or get pushed around at a craft beer festival. I think I have to just finally admit defeat and accept my fate as a (mostly) non-drinker. Like that’s a bad thing or something.
  • LOOK AT MY NEW SHOWER CURTAIN. It will be here next week, and I can’t wait:
  • Can we talk about gray hairs for a minute? I know I’m at that point in my life where I should be freaking out because I’m certainly not young anymore, and look, I’m not blind: I see you staring at the gray hairs on top of my head when we’re talking and it takes everything in my power to not scream MY EYES ARE DOWN HERE. But fuck dying my hair, man! I know that for many people, going to the salon is a treat and it’s relaxing, etc. But I never really liked it because it was like 2-3 hours out of my day that I could be doing something more productive, more fun, more my speed. I do not like sitting! That’s why I can’t even write blog posts in one sitting anymore! I need to move. I started getting gray hairs in my late 20s and I always blamed motherhood on that because Chooch was such a wild child, lol. But I was consistently going to the salon back then and getting highlights so they were never noticeable. Now they are and I don’t care about that at all but it seems like everyone else does and it’s really bizarre to me, like why is the color of my hair so distracting?! Aside from that and the fact that every tiny ache I get these days makes me panic (last week I was convinced I had an air bubble in my carotid artery and that my hip is breaking), I still feel eternally young. I still get excited about things. Dumb shit still makes me laugh. I still make lists of all the haunted houses I want to go to. I still have schoolgirl crushes and maniacal obsessions. And most importantly, I still have a shit-ton of energy, probably even more than I did in my 20s. So who cares about age and some gray hairs?! It’s so weird to me!
  • I use this app called Job Spotter where you submit pictures of help wanted signs for points, and then you can cash in the points for an Amazon gift card. Each point you get is the equivalent of one cent, and the average submission can be between 60-90 points, and I’ve even had some that were over 100! It sounds like a stupid thing, but for as much walking around I do, it gives me a mission, you know? I finally cashed in my points and I was so excited, but then I pissed around for weeks because I am so non-committal when it comes to shopping. There wasn’t anything that I super needed at that time, and I kept adding and removing things from the cart. I was using Henry’s Amazon account because he has Prime, and one day he said, “Your CosRX face wash will be here today,” and I said, “But I didn’t order anything yet?” Apparently, there was a price drop and he was tired of me pussy-footing around so he just ordered it – HOW FUCKING SWEET OF HIM! Then I realized that we’re always getting so much enjoyment out of watching Drew run through the tunnel we got her for Christmas last year, so I decided to look for an upgrade, and I found this cute tunnel/tent doohickey (see below), so I hurried up and bought it with my gift card, and that’s how I realized that I actually do have the ability to be selfless, in spite of all the times throughout my life people have told me that I only care about myself! It was due to be delivered last Sunday, and I was so antsy, looking out the front door every ten minutes, asking Henry to check the delivery updates, finally demanding that we leave the house for awhile because I needed to get my mind off of it, and then finally that evening it was there on the porch! DREW LOVES IT! Penelope won’t go in it but we never expected her to.

  • Oooh, I just found out that Henry is making jjajangmyeon for dinner and I am so excited that I got up and did a weird fake cheerleader kick-thing and now I’m worried about my hip again.
  • I was watching a video of these people in some adult ball-pit in Korea and immediately pictured Henry doing an awkward belly-flop in it, and then I had terrible flashbacks to feeling like I was going to drown in the Chuck E Cheese ball pits when I was a kid and so I recounted that feeling to Henry, that helpless “running-in-place” sensation as your socked-feet slid against the slippery pit-lining, the inevitable chin-smack off the balls (LOL, what a visual) and Henry said, “I don’t know about any of that. We didn’t have ball-pits when I was a kid.” WHY IS THIS SO FUNNY TO ME!? Henry is so old, lol (says the person who was just jawing off a few bullets back about how age doesn’t matter, god I love myself).
  • Chooch had to do another stupid “All About Me” poster for school because he has the same communications teacher again much to all of our chagrin, and I was so touched that he used a quote from Taemin!!

  • I just want everyone to know that I Retweeted a video clip of Taemin on Twitter and BARB replied that he is truly one gorgeous young man. I THINK BARB HAS ONE FOOT ON THE KPOP WAGON.  Don’t worry, I’ll keep working on her.
  • Stupid mechanic neighbor was back today getting more stuff out of the house and I super-loudly and passive-aggressively said to Henry, “I CAN’T WAIT TO NOT SAY GOODBYE TO THAT PERSON JUST LIKE HE NEVER SAID HELLO TO ME IN THE LAST THREE YEARS” and Henry gave me the “Why are you like this?” frown.
  • Today on our walk, I told Henry that I think I’m super underrated and he was like OMG this is why you have no friends.
    • Somewhere, Janna is nodding.
  • Last Friday night, Chooch was looking at one of my paintings and said he only knew Nigel Lithgow from So You Think You Can Dance, and Jeffrey Dahmer. So I was naming the rest of them and when he said he didn’t know who Barbra Streisand was, I knew at that moment that I had failed him as a mom so we stopped everything and I made him watch Babs videos and then Babs and Barry Gibbs, and Chooch was like, “I HAVE NOT HEARD OF ANY OF THESE SONGS, SORRY” and then I was like “WHAT ABOUT ANDY GIBB” and that’s why when Henry came home from the store, he looked horrified because apparently you could hear Everlasting Love from across the street and Chooch was like, “I tried to stop her” and I was jumping around scream-singing and yammering about the time Janna and I were blasting that song in her car and I got out at a red light in the middle of Liberty Avenue downtown and started dancing to it and guys on the sidewalk were like YEAH GIRL and Janna screamed, “GET BACK IN THE CAR ERIN BEFORE PEOPLE THINK YOU’RE A PROSTITUTE” and we both just recently agreed that it was the funniest nights ever, sorry I guess you had to be there.
  • CHOOCH HATES CUCUMBER AND ZUCCHINI BECAUSE THEY TASTE DISGUSTING, UGH!
    • Speaking of Chooch, he got sucked into a new k-drama I’m watching, “Devilish Joy,” and Henry is all downtrodden about it because we started watching it without him so NOW HE DOESN’T WANT TO WATCH IT ALL! But then he sat down last night and started watching it, so.
      • My goal is that Chooch will be inspired to dress like chaebol sons. But considering he thought he could go to school wearing too-small pants with a hole on the crotch the other day, I think it may take more than one drama.
  • And now for the most important bullet of them: FUCK BRETT KAVANAUGH. And fuck all the spineless piece of shit Republicans who are going to make sure he still gets sworn in.

Well guys, I just have to make it through this work week and then it’s an ALL KPOP WEEKEND! Grateful for things to look forward to, always. <3

Sep 162018
 

Here I am, up before 8am on a Sunday because kpop gossip has me shook, and as I’m sitting here with my coffee in a quiet house, I’m briefly reminded of a time when writing/blogging was my everything and I would proofread that shit 8x over before hitting “publish” and now, I write things in pieces from my phone while commuting, on the laptop at home with a million things happening around me, or during extremely rare lulls at work. And I never read it over. I post and walk away, and I’m sorry for being blog-sloppy. But looking back on how obsessed I used to be with writing the perfect posts makes me feel residual stress and I can’t say I really miss that “perfect post” and “comment-obsessed” part of my life – leaving Facebook also really helped cure that. I still really enjoy blogging, for myself, but it’s just don’t have the time that I really need for it anymore. This isn’t a goodbye post! I’m too sentimental and obsessed with my mortality to ever stop jotting down things I want to remember and if I rely on a paper journal, my hand gets tired so I start skipping lots of details, but it’s more of an explanation that I feel I need to make several times a year and the quiet of this Sunday morning reminded me of that.

(Also, I’m not really a moron: I just type too fast and accidentally skip words! I’m pretty sure every one of my blog posts is missing a word or 8.)

While I have some coffee to sip and time to kill, here are some things of interest!

  • Last weekend, I had the itch to clean out the bathroom closet because it was turning into a hazard zone, where an avalanche of Q-tips and rolls of toilet paper was only a matter of time. It felt great to throw out 3/4 of that closet’s contents, including gaudy makeup made by a crazy lady that I will never put anywhere near my eyes again, crusty cleansers, expired products, you know the drill. Tucked way back in the closet, I found several makeup bags and other container-things that had a bunch of jewelry in it that I didn’t even know I was missing, like this adorbs two-finger ring I bought years ago at the Mattress Factory when I was kind of poor and Henry was annoyed that I paid $40 for a ring in a museum gift shop but I was like, “I WILL WEAR THIS RING EVERY DAY!” and then probably only wore it once because my fingers were fatter then and I vaguely remember it being uncomfortable. But it fits fine now so I wore it twice last week and it only got in the way of my life approx. 87 times. Also, ignore my shitty polish – we already established on here recently that I paint my nails in near-darkness. A TRUE READER OF OH HONESTLY ERIN WOULD KNOW THAT. lol.

  • Shit guys, the past few days have been rife with drama in Kpop World. I mentioned on one of my last Kpop Valentine updates that there was a ton of controversary surrounding Hyuna and E’Dawn, who had the balls to come forward and confirm that they were dating and had been hiding it for 2 years because they’re on the same agency, and not only that but they even have a side project together, and that side project (Triple H, not to be confused with the wrestler who comes up every time I  google it) was actually in the middle of promotions for their comeback (which was SO GOOD) so that got halted immediately which was awful. Meanwhile, E’Dawn is a pivotal member of the 10-member group Pentagon, who you may know I love a lot. They had a fan engagement and also KCON LA coming up, and he was asked to sit those out. Then, last week, they made their comeback with a new mini-album, of which he was part of the creative process, but he’s not in the video and again was not part of promotions. Then on Wednesday, right before I went to bed, I saw the news that Hyuna and E’Dawn were kicked out of Cube, and it got even worse as more news came out because it turns out that they found out the same way everyone else did – through the news. Cube’s stock dropped immediately and international fans were fuming, but the Korean fans were happy and felt that the couple deserved to be punished for what they’ve “done” (not just hiding the fact that they were dating, but actually having the audacity to be in love like normal human beings). The last I heard, Cube back-tracked and said that they weren’t kicked out, that they’re still “talking” but this morning my friend sent me an article saying that there are rumors that Hyuna is leaving on her own and has already joined Jay Park’s label and that would be so amazing, but I worry about what will happen to E’Dawn  and Pentagon. I of course want to boycott Cube, but that in turn hurts the other artists who I want to support, so it’s a really frustrating position. And Hyuna literally carried that fucking company on her back for like 11 years – she’s one of the biggest female artists in Korea, totally controversial, and just a true gem that any agency would be lucky to have. This could have been Cube’s opportunity to break the stigma and publicly support the two and encourage the fans to do the same, but they blew it.  Anyway, this news was so big that it even made the NY Times.
    • Pentagon’s new song is so good though and it kills me that E’Dawn (and Yanan who is sitting out due to health reasons) isn’t a part of it. Please watch this video and support these boys. They write their own stuff and deserve recognition. And before you make fun of the song, the frog concept is based off of a Korean parable and is actually very intelligently incorporated into the song which is about rebelling against social norms and expectations from the elders.)

  • I know you’ve been sitting on the edge of your seat, wondering how the cats are enjoying their cat tower, and I’m here to tell you that it’s their fucking jam. Penelope never bothered with the old one we had, so we didn’t expect that she would care about this one either, but after a few weeks, so slowly acclimated herself to it and Drew is less than pleased but I’m like, “Guys, this thing is big enough for 6 cats, deal with it.” They fight on it at least once a day and it’s a great spectator sport for the rest of us. I still think it’s funny that my original four cats never gave a shit about any of the toys/towers/beds that I bought for them, but these two are materialistic AF. It’s that generation, I guess!
  • Speaking of That Generation, I had breakfast with Kara on Friday (at Parker’s and Parker himself came over and talked to us and I was internally giddying the fuck out) and we spent a large portion of  the morning bitching about Fortnite and how it’s ruining our lives and that made me feel less of a failure as a parent knowing that she is going through the same shit with her boys too. Fuck Fortnite.
    • Additionally, Kara told me that I’m the longest friend she’s had aside from high school friends, and I started thinking about that and I think it’s true for me too! 13 consistent years! It helps that Kara isn’t a possessive/crazy/SWF/compulsive liar, too. Because man, do I attract those types, like the ones who read my entire blog after knowing me for a month and then throw me an elaborate surprise party utilizing everything they learned about me from said blog, only to send me 18 paragraphs via text 2 months later about why they don’t want to be my friend anymore which can be summarized into one sentence: YOU DON’T PAY ENOUGH ATTENTION TO ME, WAH. (I have none of these people in my life right now so this isn’t the equivalent of me sub-tweeting, I swear!)
      • One of the reasons was literally, “We only listen to YOUR music in the car.” Well, when you make me drive everywhere, yeah, them’s the breaks.
    • I need to make more of an effort hanging out with my friends. This has been whatever the opposite of “banner year” is for my mental condition.

  • Hey, speaking of cleaning out closets, I was rooting through this Tupperwear bin in my closet the other night because I was on a roll talking to Chooch about my old penpal days and I thought this was the container that had some of my old penpalling relics, like my address labels that I mostly had created specifically to include in FBs (friendship books, high fives to my peeps who remember those) but instead it was just filled with senior pictures from people I only moderately talked to in high school, plus some really old pictures like this one which kills me because I still do this same pose when I want something and even Barb confirmed it on Instagram.
    • I also found a poem from my deathrow penpal so I handed it to Chooch who immediately started reading it out loud and it turned out to be A SEX POEM so I had to snatch it from him. Advice to parents: proofread stuff from your deathrow penpals before letting your kids see it!
    • But I also found this signed headshot of one Clive Pearse who I had become obsessed with briefly while on vacation with Sharon and my grandparents in the early 90s because I watched his show in our hotel room in England and if you think I’m bad now with being obsessed with things you should have seen me back then. I guess I wrote to him and asked for a picture and I actually one back, because that’s how shit worked back then and then it made me think about that Santa Claus museum we just went to last month and how there was a wall lined with framed autographed headshots that some local Santa Claus, Indiana had collected in the 80s and wow, that could have been me. I started cracking up when I found this and tried to explain it to Chooch who was anything but impressed (he’d rather pretend that I didn’t exist until he was born). Apparently, Clive has found success on HGTV since his Super Channel days. (God only knows why I was obsessed with him.)

 

  • It’s still in the 80s here in Pittsburgh but I am so ready for haunted house season. Several are already open, but I think it’s too early! I need more leaves on the ground first. And this is the first time in several years that we don’t have the annual pie party weighing us down (I said NO this year and it feels like a weight was lifted! That damn party was more stress than it was worth) so I feel like I can commit 100% to an All Things Halloween October for once. Henry has one foot on board the Knoebel’s train so I just have to keep batting my eyes and being semi-nice until he agrees to take us. Knoebel’s is a really cute amusement park in….somewhere else in Pennsylvania that’s not Pittsburgh. It takes like 4 or 5 hours to get there, so wherever that is. Anyway, they’re open on weekends in October and we went once several years ago, and I have FOND MEMORIES of it, OK? It’s also the home to two great dark rides and one of my favorite wooden coasters, The Phoenix, which actually JUST WON the 2018 Golden Ticket award for best wooden coaster (Holiday World was on there for cleanest park and best water park ride, and Kennywood won for best dark ride for Noah’s Ark). So, root for me in the fight for Knoebels, you guys!
  • Henry and I are currently knee-deep in two k-dramas: 30 But 17, and My ID is Gangnam Beauty. I started both without him but then he got sucked in even after missing the first episodes so now I’m not allowed to watch them without him, which is annoying but also adorable. Last night, I took this secret picture of Henry watching My ID is Gangnam Beauty, because he’s smiling and it’s so freaking funny to me how engrossed he gets in these things, but they really are addicting you guys. When I first started getting into Kpop, I was like, “OK, but I’m just into Kpop and nothing else” and then I got sucked into variety shows so then it became, “OK, but I’m not going to start watching dramas, that just doesn’t appeal to me” but then I started watching Boys Over Flowers and here we are: 80+ Korean actors followed on Instagram, one DramaFever subscription, zero American TV shows watched later.

Well, my people are up and about now so we’re back to Distraction City over here. Shall we end this with two pictures of the cats? YES, I THINK WE SHALL.

Well, I’m off to lint-roll the porch chairs. ANNYEONG CHINGU.

Aug 312018
 

Related image

This week felt like it was never going to end, OMG, I’m the first person ever to feel that way, I know. But now it’s Friday, I wore jeans to work, I had a seat to myself on the trolley – life’s alright. Here are five things that have been going on in my “alright” life, and none of them involve amusement parks but DON”T WORRY – I went to Kennywood on Sunday so that post will be coming up soon, hahahahahalolololugh.

  1. Gifts from Gayle

It’s hard to believe that we already passed the one year mark since Gayle left The Law Firm but we all still talk about how we miss her. Me especially because she always brought me tokens of appreciation and it was clear she idol-worshiped me (right Gayle? Don’t deny it). Anyway, several co-workers saw her last week, and she gave them this blingin’ frog ring to bring back to me! (Please ignore my shitty nail polish job. It’s always so dark in our dumb house because Henry won’t put on his electrician belt and install an actual ceiling light in our living room so we have two swag lamps and one stupid floor lamp that is 90% useless so I’m painting my nails in the near-dark with eyes that don’t see well to begin with and wow I just typed a lot of words about my nails and the lighting issues in our house, I’m just that  kind of blogger, should I put ads on my site now too?)

People at work were a mixture of jealous and vomitous because let’s just say some people here don’t like it when I’m favored, haha.

2. Polenta & Envelopes

As a belated birthday thing, I went out to dinner last Saturday with Barb, Jeannie, Wendy and Summer. I let Twitter choose where we were going to go and my friend Lindsay recommended Girasole which is Italian so I figured that would be a safe bet for a collection of varying palates. I was excited because polenta was an option and if you are a LONG TIME READER you might remember when polenta and I went through an intense heavy-petting stage back in, oh, 2007 or 2008. I can’t remember how it started (maybe I should become a long time reader and find out) but Henry was churning out all kinds of polenta-y goodness for me and my co-workers (different job then) were like, “When will it end.”

So I ordered the polenta and, well, I was underwhelmed. I mean, it was delicious! But it wasn’t “writing home from my birthday dinner” levels of amaze, if you know what I mean. In fact, it tasted pretty much like the polenta Henry used to make, but when I told him that, he was like, “Wow,” because the way I said it made it sound like I was disappointed because it tasted like he cooked my dinner and not like I was complimenting him for cooking a dish on the same levels as some super-beloved Italian spot.

I think I just had order-remorse because Wendy and Barb both got pasta dishes that looked so great and Jeannie had a fish special which made me crave seafood, but whatever, I also had a peach bellini and a slice of fucking fantastic lemon cake so that made up for it.

Meanwhile, during dinner, the subject of my cards came up because I gave Summer one of my Hello Hanguk business cards so that the beautiful kpop idols on it could keep her distracted because that’s just what every 3-year-old wants to do, be stuck at a restaurant with her mom’s dumb friends. Barb said, “I think it’s so funny that you’re just now starting to offer envelopes with your cards” and I was like, “OMG that’s just a joke, I’ve always offered envelopes!” and now I’m wondering if other people think the same thing?!

The reason I put such faux-emphasis on the envelope portion of my Etsy listings is because when I first selling cards, I never mentioned that they came with an envelope because I felt that it was implied, but then I got several inquiries, like, “Does this card come with envelope or nah?” and it just became a schtick after that, purely for my own benefit of course. For example, “This educational card comes with an envelope, because the last time I tried to mail something in an eggshell, it never made it.” And on my Patty Hearst card: “Comes with an envelope that can be fashioned into a beret with some intermediate Origami skill and an unruly imagination.” It’s honestly my favorite part about creating Etsy listings!

3. Poor Lidding

Yesterday, when I was walking into work, I noticed that I had a wet spot on the thigh of my jeans, and then once I got to my desk, I realized it was because THE FOOD HENRY GAVE ME WAS LEAKING INSIDE MY WORK BAG!!!! I put the plastic bag down on my desk and pool of broth immediately formed, so then I had to cautiously carry the bag into the kitchen, drop it in the kitchen sink, and rinse all the containers off I WAS SO ANGRY! Goddamn you, Henry! Luckily, my container of watermelon was unscathed, but the culprit was the ramen he made me before I left for work so now there was no broth left and that’s when I realized that this happened because HE PUT THE WRONG LID ON IT! How did he make a mistake like this when he is supposed to be such a great house wife?! Oh, I was ranting and raving about this to everyone within earshot.

“I just had a lid situation the other day!” Margie the new-ish admin person said, trying to make me feel better I guess because my fragility is no secret around the office. “But I had no one to blame but myself.”

“Yeahhhhh,” I said thoughtfully. “That’s why I don’t do anything myself.”

And Margie laughed but Lauren, who was sitting behind her, knew it was true.

Also, my banana was in that fucking bag and I thought it was OK but halfway through it, I hit a spot where the broth had seeped through the peel and look, I love gochujang A LOT (so much that I screamed WHAT!?!?!?!?!? when Henry told me that we were out of it when he served me my gochujang-less dinner tonight; I think this is the first time we’re been out of the ‘jang since 2016!?) but apparently not on a banana. FUCK.

4. Emarosa, boy-ohs.

Emarosa’s back, baybays! Their new album hasn’t been released yet but they’re hitting the road this November and I’m so happy because it’s been a year since I saw them last which seems like a normal amount of time but not when we were spoiled with multiple Emarosa shows a year from 2015-2017! Anyway, tickets went on sale today and we got some and it’s kind of weird to be excited about western for a minute!

Conversely, a time recently when I was NOT excited about western music was the other day when I came home from work and suddenly our TV kicked over to YouTube and a fucking NICKELBACK VIDEO started playing. Henry was like, “It has to be Chooch” but he wasn’t home so were like WHY IS THIS HAPPENING but I knew it had to be him because he’s the ultimate troll of the household (OK I’m pretty good at it too). Later on, he strolled through the front door and casually said, “Did I hear Nickelback playing over here earlier?!” Turns out that little fucker was next door at Blake’s so he was within range of being able to control the TV and I hate him.

5. FBI Has Your Unabomber Card

That’s what the subject line of an email said the other night and I started panicking like OMG am I going to jail???

Image result for bts scared gif

But then I realized it was an email from my friend Kristen who has a friend who bought serial killer cards from me in the past and had her neighbors over for dinner one night. The neighbors work for the FBI so the topic of serial killers came up and she showed them my cards AND TURNS OUT one of them worked on the Unabomber case back in the day and loved my Unabomber card and asked to keep it!

I was telling Aaron about this at work today and he was like, “So what you’re saying is that you’re on a federal watch list now. It was nice knowing you!” and I laughed but then I went back to my desk and texted Henry, “OMG AM I GOING TO BE ON A FEDERAL WATCH LIST NOW” and he was like, “…………probably not?”

But still, what a strange and funny story! Thank you for sharing, K!

Anyway, here’s a link to that card if you want one!

Aug 172018
 

At some point today we will be in Indiana, and I promised to do part of the driving so I won’t be able to liveblog. So instead, I guess have a Friday Five featuring things I’m currently into or thoughts that are glomming onto my brain. It’s a Friday free-for-all.

1. Jonghyun Pins & Making Friends

I saw this Jonghyun tribute pin a few weeks on Instagram and immediately bought one. In some small way, it makes me feel comforted to have it, you know? Anyway, I noted that the seller is also from Pittsburgh so I got really excited and messaged her that I am also from Pittsburgh, hoping that she would read the invisible words that trailed after which said in desperate font PLEASE BE MY FRIEND. She did not pick up on this though and simply replied with, “haha small world! Enjoy the pin!” So I was like HENRY WHAT SHOULD I DO because my social skills are about as dried up as the remnants of my dead plants that I still haven’t thrown away. Henry of course was no help because he doesn’t care about making friends so I waited a few days and messaged her again with a hopefully-not-psycho-sounding suggestion of meeting up for coffee & Kpop talk sometime and she was like “Cool! I’m actually leaving to go back to college soon but I’ll let you know when I’m back in town again” and I don’t know why I’m surprised that she is probably nearly 20 years younger than me, sigh.

But then, while I think about how nice it would be to have a friend here in the city who shares my interests, does it really matter all THAT much? I like all my friends here whether they like the same shit as me or not. And I think it’s kind of cool that all of my friends are so different from me when it comes to interests and hobbies.

2. The new Hands Like Houses single

I can’t tell you how many alerts I get about new music from bands I used to love, and I’m like “I’ll check that out later” and do I?! NO! Just like when friends are like “You should watch [insert American Tv show]” and do I? NO! Because I have reached a point where I almost despise hearing the English language, how messed up is that?! I made it through one episode of Sharp Objects and it was fine but I never went back because it felt strange to not be reading subtitles or hearing that certain Korean dialect that has become more familiar to me than my own language. Anyway, my point is, when I saw Hands Like Houses had a new video, I actually did watch it right away and, not surprisingly, I loved it because I have loved everything that HLH has ever done. Some of the reasons I love them is because:

  • They sound like no other band
  • Trenton manages to keep his Australian accent while singing and I LOVE that
  • They’re from Canberra which is where I went to see the Cure for the first time!
  • One of the guys in the band bears such a strong resemblance to a young Tim Curry and has always looked so overcome with joy every time I’ve seen him on stage and it just makes me so happy!
  • They’re coming back to the US this fall for a tour with EMAROSA and I want to go but the closest city is Philly and I’m not sure Henry will go for it but I have like two mths to beg for my life so we’ll see. Anyway, here is their new video, I HOPE YOU LIKE IT. I helped film it, clearly.
  • https://youtu.be/BUp03PaFIkU

    3. Cats Are Movin’ On Up

    Remember sometime last winter when Chooch constructed a shoddy cat condo out of a bunch of cardboard boxes? And we had to beg Henry not to throw it away every Garbage Day? Well, that thing was so busted after awhile that even I was starting to turn against it. And then, the actual cat tower we had BROKE which really isn’t that shocking because it was nearly 20 years old. I bought it for my Original 4 Cats when I was going on the aforementioned Canberra, Australia trip because I was trying to make them less sad that I was leaving (they didn’t care at all in reality) so it ended up just sitting in the basement for years until we got Drew and Penelope and wondered if they would use it. Drew ended up loving it! Penelope notsomuch. So when it broke two weeks ago, Drew was like WHY DO YOU HATE ME.

    I talked Henry into buying this fancy cat tower from Chewy and he did but ONLY because he had a coupon for it, he is such a tightwad. When it was delivered last week, Chooch and I begged Henry to assemble it straight away and he was like DO YOU NOT WANT DINNER THEN and I was like OH LOL I MEANT AFTER YOU MAKE DINNER.

    At first, Drew was hesitant but now she is like “I can’t believe you guys had me loafing in that cat shanty when this palace was out there all along.”

    Even Penelope plays on it! (though it’s harder for her to get on it since she is a jumping dunce).

    And made a special Jimin VIP room! Henry was like WHY IS JIMIN IN THERE because he has no imagination and doesn’t believe in cat tower interior design. Cool. Cool cool cool, Henry.

    (Hive five to anyone who read that in Melissa Joan Hart’s voice. CLARISSA EXPLAINS IT ALL VIBES!)

    4. Pittsburgh Jesus

    A few months ago, I was walking past the Steel Plaza trolley entrance when I looked over and I swear to god I saw Jesus Christ himself emerging from the little park area next to it. He was illuminated by rays of sunlight, even. This was Jesus, for sure, and not even the emblazoned-on-a-grilled-cheese version.

    But then my eyes adjusted to the blinding light and I realized it was just a homeless guy.

    I suppose this is something I could have sent a Greetings from Erin’s Lunch Break about but the truth is that I haven’t SENT A SINGLE ONE because I lost all motivation and also because I spend almost all of my lunch breaks on the phone with my therapist (lol, his name is Henry) because I am a crazy person who needs help and Henry lets me yell.

    Anyway! I saw him again one time when I was leaving work after one of my late shifts and as I got in the car I hoarsely whispered to Henry, “There he is! The guy I thought was Jesus!” and Henry was like, “….that fat black guy?”

    Ugh no behind him!

    Luckily, I saw him again the other day and had the perfect opportunity to snap a pic because he was just casually standing on the steps right by my building.

    Honestly, I felt blessed.(FRIDAY FIVE INTERLUDE: We just left Loving Hut somewhere outside of Columbus and we are ragging on Henry to the point where Chooch just barfed up a mouthful of Strawberry Smoothie To Go and I just screamed because Pawn Shop is closed and I had fake-convinced myself that I wanted to stop there after we ate, and Henry just called us assholes.)

    5. COCO where’d you GOGO

    Hey guys Chooch and I helped a guy find his lost dog while we were on our nightly neighborhood walk the other night. Just another day being hometown heroes, no biggie.

    We first saw Coco leering back at us from the end of the sidewalk we were walking down. I got scared and turned around at first because you never know what you’re gonna get with a leashless dog! But then she ran around the corner and we were like LETS SEE WHERE SHE WENT and then some older man was all COCO! COCO! Ugh Peg left the GATE open! I’m going to YELL at her!

    We were like SIR ARE YOU LOOKING FOR A DOG CUZ WE SAW ONE and he was like YES WHERE and Chooch put on his Dog Detective hat and pointed the way. We kind of stood there helplessly for a while and then I was like “This is awkward, Kid. Let’s split.”

    But when we walked up to the next street, we saw some teenage girl slowly chasing a dog through her yard, yelling things to a man on the porch like “It has a harness on!” And I was like THAT MUST BE COCO so I had her and Chooch Lee an eye on her while I ran through the alley to find the man who looked like Harry Potter’s uncle, and I frantically yelled, “Mister we found your dog!” And he asked his neighbor lady if he could hop in her car and they took off to the street I pointed to and I ran back through the alley to find that Chooch and the girl were still blocking Coco but then right when the car rolled up, she bolted deeper into the bowels of Brookline and the girl screamed PAP, GET HER! So now the girl’s pap was party of the search party and the owner got out of the car with the leash while the neighbor lady (who I thought was Peg at first and wondered if she had already gotten yelled at but turns out she was just a nice neighbor who was helping Harry Potter’s uncle who was in NO SHAPE to be trying to lasso Coco on his own) crept slowly after Coco in her car while the rest of us walk-ran in order to not spook Coco into running faster.

    OH FRIENDS it was a whole ordeal. But we finally cornered her and the girl was able to grab onto Coco’s harness while Harry Potter’s uncle clobbered over to us with the leash, panting and on the verge of a coronary.

    We all bid each other a jovial adieu and then Chooch and I ran home and walked Henry up to tell him that we were hometown heroes once again and he mumbled “I’m so sure” and then fell back asleep.

    Last night during our walk, I pointed things out to Henry like the bush where the girl was first trying to catch Coco and the alley where I ran down to tell the owner I found her and Henry was straight sneering on the backseat of a bus to Frown Town.

    “It was a really big deal, Henry. You had to be there,” I huffed.

    “I doubt it,” he muttered.

    “If Brookline had a newsletter, it would have been in there!” I yelled haughtily, but by then his bus had reached its miserable stop at the corner of Scowl Street in Frown Town so he was no longer listening.

    And that’s all for this week’s Friday Five! It’s 9:04pm and we’re still in Ohio, to the point where I’m not convinced that Henry hasn’t turned around at some point without me knowing and we’re actually headed back to Pittsburgh.

    Aug 102018
     

    Yeah boi, it’s Friday (I was going to type Friyay just to be a douchebag but I was afraid you’d think I was serious as I type this while wearing a BUT FIRST COFFEE ringer tee) so let’s pull some five things out a hat and call it a day.

    1. My Broken Calf

    Remember sometime last week when I was like “I broke my calf”? No? YOU MEAN YOU DON’T READ ALL THESE POSTS? Don’t worry, I don’t either – that’s why they’re so jacked up! Anyway, I hurt my calf somehow, not because I’m a lunatic when it comes to exercising, oh no. It was one of those things where I was like, “Maybe it just needs to stretch it out or something” and then I kept doing all the things I normally do because I’m a fucking fool. I spent a whole week trying to hide my limp at work, and I almost had to roll myself out of several rides at Kennywood because my calf was so taut. Anyway, I thought I was healed (why, I don’t know, because I certainly hadn’t rested it at all) but then Saturday night, Chooch and I were waiting to cross the street and then some lady was like “Even though I have the right of way and you guys don’t have the walk sign, I’m going to be a sweetheart and let you cross while I hold up traffic” which she communicated by waving us along. It was one of those things where we were both delayed in our reactions, so when Chooch and I went to step off the curb, she started to turn into us, and this went on three times until the car behind her started to blow on the horn so I screamed RUNNNN and we ran across the street but when I pushed off with my left foot, I tweaked that son-of-a-bitchin’ muscle all over again and it’s a wonder I made it to the other side of the road, like the gimpiest Punchline Chicken ever.

    Nevertheless, I continued walking – we were walking to the Dormont post office to drop off some Hello Hanguk cards – and it didn’t feel great but oh well.

    This has nothing to do with my calf, but on our way to the post office, keep in mind it’s night time, Henry said, “Oh hey look” and pointed to a window of a shop we were walking past. When I turned to look, I was FACE TO FACE with a mannequin head, but like, the kind from the 50s or 60s that have makeup on. I don’t know why it shocked me so much, but I screamed SO LOUD, the type of scream I would usually reserve for when I’m being an asshole at a haunted house, and THAT actually scared Henry and Chooch. My heart was actually racing, lol.

    OK back to my calf.

    The next day I think I limped all around town, but I swear it felt OK that night, so I shoved the coffee table out of the way to prepare for Kpop Family Cardio Night, and approximately 10 seconds into the firsts song, my calf was like, “Oh hunny, no” and that is how I ended up crumbled into a heap of writhing Fat Girl on the floor while Henry said things like, “I TOLD YOU THIS WOULD HAPPEN” and “GOOD FOR YOU” and “WHEN WILL YOU LEARN” and “WHEN I WAS IN THE SERVICE, THIS HAPPENED TO EDDIE WHEN HE WAS FLEEING FROM THE PANAMANIAN FAMILY AFTER ACCIDENTALLY MURDERING THEIR PET DUCK.”

    When Henry said he was going to go to CVS  to get me an ace bandage, I asked him if he was walking and when he said yes, I said, “OK I’LL COME TOO!” He was just like, “Are you kidding me?!” but then sighed deeply and we embarked on the slowest walk to CVS because I literally couldn’t put any pressure on my left leg. First, I tried hopping there on my right leg but that gets tiring after awhile. Then I tried to get Henry to carry me and he was like, “What do I look like, a fork lift” but then I realized that if I walked in a sideways shuffle, I could walk without yelping in pain!

    While we were in CVS, “Eye in the Sky” by Alan Parsons Project came on and I always get super somber when I hear that because it brings back weird memories of my birth dad that I’m not even sure are real?! So now I had a broken calf and weird maybe-memories making me look like someone who had jumped out of an asylum window and stopped at CVS for an ace bandage and candy bar.

    Anyway, here’s a picture of Penelope looking totally concerned as Henry wraps my leg. Also, ignore the table in the background. That’s Henry’s fake-Hallmark factory.

    Me, after he wrapped my ankle: “I’M CURED!”

    Me, after I took it off before bed: *takes a step and collapses*

    2. Stupid Lunch Date With Stupid Henry

    Henry and I had Saturday afternoon to ourselves because Chooch went to some nerd convention at the library. First, we went to two asian markets that we’ve never shopped at before asian markets are the premiere places to get amazing produce, if you didn’t know. More on that later though. We decided to also go on a lunch date, I guess that’s what that was, and this is how we learned that every restaurant we wanted to try in Bloomfield was closes early and if there’s one thing I despise, it’s a restaurant that closes early. The one place has a big open window and one of the workers was sitting near it, so when we walked past, I yelled ASSHOLE! except that it was more of a whisper-scream and Henry thought this was like, so funny, and wouldn’t stop laughing about it and that just made me more mad.

    Anyway, we ended up at Station, which is not somewhere I had ever considered eating at before because I was always under the impression that it was super non-veg friendly, but the menu posted outside said that they had VEGAN SLOPPY JOES. I was like, “I’m in” and that was that.

    Since it was an odd hour (after 2pm), it was just us, another couple, and some lonely guy at the bar. I love empty restaurants like no other, you guys. You have no idea the anxiety I get right before walking into a restaurant. I always feel like Pee Wee walking into that biker bar, except that I can promise you I’m not going to win over the skeptics by doing the Big Shoe dance to Tequila on the bar.

    I felt super comfortable here, we had a great waitress, my sloppy joe was on a delicious roll, and the FRIES WERE AMONG THE BEST FRIES I HAVE HAD. Like, every fry was a Good One! I didn’t have to exchange any with Henry!

    And then we shared a lavender pound cake for lunch-dessert! And we got along! I think Henry and I have an OK relationship, you guys. It would be even better if he would just commit to taking us to Holiday World for god’s sake.

    3. My Favorite Song of the Week

    YG is killing it this year.  This is hands down my favorite thing that Ikon has released and I’m really stoked for them. YG Entertainment will always be #1 in my heart and getting to see their building when we were in Korea was a dream! There’s a shitload of talent inside those walls.

    4. Good Goddamn Vegetables!

    One of the things I love about Pittsburgh (and there are not many things I love about this city) is that we have so many amazing ethnic markets. I have become obsessed with breadfruit ever since we had it at the Caribbean festival a few weeks ago and I found out that an asian market in Wilkinsburg sells it. We also got cassava and barrata, which I was practically peeing my pants over. Look, when your diet consists of like 90% fruits and vegetables, you’d be excited to add some new shit to the repertoire as well. When Henry was checking out, the older asian woman asked, “Do you know these?” and when we said yes, she happily said, “Oh! That’s good!” I felt so proud! Then I posted a picture on Instagram of some our newly acquired vegetables and this caused confusion and disgust because:

    • This is America!
    • Vegetables are broccoli and carrots!
    • Probably from a bag!
    • From the back of a freezer!

    But whatever, veggie-haters, I was in heaven! And this is the exotic bowl I feasted on that weekend:

    Granted, gochujang makes everything taste good, but the cassava and barrata were great additions to Henry’s Korean noodle bowl, and then he fried some plantains and breadfruit with some rice syrup for dessert and I was like, “Pappap, thank you for sending this man to take care of me.” Honestly, I would still be eating food bought from gas stations if I hadn’t meant him, probably.

    Also, I don’t have a sesame seed problem, sesame seeds have an Erin problem.

    Speaking of asian markets, the second one we went to was a Korean market and the two ladies working there were so sweet and helpful and gave us both a free Binch (a type of cookie) when we were checking out. And I got my 바나나 우유 fix and while it was velvety and delicious, it just wasted the same as sipping it from a cute little barrel in Korea. :(

    On the train to Busan!

    5. A Week of Train Derailments

    Speaking of trains, Pittsburgh was CURSED last week. First, that stupid Thomas the Tank Engine train at Kennywood derailed twice on two separate days. Then on Sunday, a REAL train derailed and seven cars landed on the Station Square trolley tracks and I have not been able to shake the fact that this could have been so fucking tragic and devastating had it happened at any other time — but thank god, NO ONE WAS HURT. The train cars that fell were carrying household products, things like Listerine and cat food, but nothing toxic, and NO ONE happened to be standing there and no trolleys were passing by at that moment.

    Image result for station square train derailment

    From triblive.com

    Related image

    From wpxi.com

    I get chills every time I look at these pictures or even think about it happening. What a nightmare. Of course, Monday’s commute was absolutely jacked because the alternate route was also affected at first and the Port Authority had to scramble and employ the use of shuttle buses. I was getting mad because Janna was complaining about it and I was like THEY ARE DOING THE BEST THAT THEY CAN, THIS IS NOT THEIR FAULT and you know that’s something, when I stick up for the Port Authority! But really, they are like the local heroes of the week. I read that a ton of their of their employees came to work on their day off to help with the shuttle buses, and whoever runs their Twitter account is spunky AF. They posted a picture of the trolley tracks after all of the train cars had been removed and their caption was “Gotta be honest. Station Square Station, you look like you’ve been hit by a train.”

    COME ON, THAT’S FUNNY!

    My commute is a little bit longer now while they work on repairing all the tracks and power lines that were demolished, but I can’t be too mad because at least I don’t have to take a bus, and AT LEAST NO ONE WAS HURT.

    *shudder*

    ***

    Well, I intended this to be more riveting, but my days have been mostly: work, begging Henry to take me to Holiday World*, Korean dramas, and making fun of the church carnival which started on Wednesday. What a summer.

    *(The other night, Henry lost it and said, “I love you but you are REALLY GETTING ON MY NERVES.” Wow. This was a separate outburst from the time last weekend at Target when he told me that he sometimes can’t believe I’m as old as I am, and this may or may not have been because I was publicly pouting about wanting to go to Holiday World. Look, when something is on my radar, I WILL FIXATE AND FOCUS until I get on my own nerves.)

    ***

    OMG WAIT! I have an extra story for you, the hidden track of Friday Five, if you will.

    Hidden Track: The DGD Interaction

    Yesterday when I was about to go back in my building after my lunch break walk, I noticed a young guy leaning against the wall and he was wearing a Dance Gavin Dance shirt! I was just about to hang up with Henry when I blurted out, “Some guy is wearing a DGD shirt—I MUST TALK TO HIM, BYE” and I’m sure Henry was so glad he wasn’t there to witness me faking like I know how to talk to other humans. But I honestly had to say something because unless I’m at a show (and I’m rarely at shows anymore), I never see anyone just causally strolling around town with a DGD shirt on.

    So I go up to this guy who is scrolling through his phone, and I urgently say, “I just had to tell you that DGD is one of my favorite bands, and I never see anyone wearing their shirts.”

    Instead of being creeped out by this scene-elder invading his space, he smiled and said, “Well, I have to tell you that no one ever tells me they like them too!” and then we talked about how they’re not coming to Pittsburgh on their upcoming tour, and he said, “Where have you seen them, Mr Smalls?” and I was glad he answered his question for me because I was starting to blank and I realized that it’s been SO LONG since I’ve actually listened to DGD (or anything English for that matter) that if he started asking me detailed questions I would probably have to run away. I even forgot at that moment what my favorite album and song were!

    I haven’t even bought their latest record yet! I’m awful! Maybe I will do that tomorrow.

    Aug 012018
     

    I don’t have the mental endurance to talk to people IRL anymore so it’s all you, Blog. These are some topics I would have broached to people this week if I had energy to form words:

    Recently, I started hating the guy who lives on the other side of Hot Naybor Chris. I mean, yes, I hate Henry, but I’m talking about the guy on the other side.  It’s him and his hick-wife and their little child-thing and they never used to bother me but then one day I realized that they NEVER FUCKING ACKNOWLEDGE ME when I say hello to them.

    “And I’m the OG resident of this street! I’ve been here since 1999! THEY SHOULD FEEL PRIVILEGED TO RECEIVE SALUTATIONS FROM ME!” I ranted the one day and Chooch solemnly agreed while Henry was like, “Well, maybe they don’t hear you or maybe they don’t believe in hellos or…” because he fucking white knights everything and I can’t even stand it.

    The worst part is that guy has like three noisy cars that he constantly works on in his garage and in our shared driveway and at first it was humorous but now he’s been there for about 3 years and those cars still need fixed all the time?! WHY?! I think he has some kind of compulsion and maybe he’s breaking them on purpose just so he can work on them some more.

    “I know people like that…” Henry began, stepping into his armor and mounting his white steed.

    What makes me even more mad is that dude always says hello to HNC’s wife, and maybe you recall the huge blow-out they had two years ago in the driveway?! (Honestly click  that link and watch the video if you haven’t already because it’s chilling and hilarious at the same time.)

    So maybe I need to tell him that I’m going to shove a metal rod so far up his ass that it comes out of his mouth, just like she did, and then that’ll break the ice enough for him to say hello to me?!

    Everything about him is starting to piss me off to the point where I’m resorting to my old PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE WAYS of talking about him loudly while he’s outside.

    “THOSE PEOPLE ARE SO FUCKING WEIRD LIKE CAN THEY NOT WAVE BACK TO THEIR NEIGHBORS” or “GOOD THING I DIDN’T WANT TO PARK IN THE DRIVEWAY SINCE THE BODY SHOP IS SO BUSY TODAY.” Honestly, I quit parking in that weird driveway years ago, but if I wanted to, there would have to be a BIG CONFRONTATION which I’m surprised hasn’t happened yet since Blake & Haley are entitled to a spot down there but his jacked-up cars are all over the place. Now it sounds like we live in a West Virginian holler but it’s literally two duplexes next to each other in the city.

    Finally, I snapped last week and as Henry and I were crossing the street from where we do actually park, I screamed, “I’m calling the mayor to tell him he’s running a mechanic business in the driveway!”

    “Yeah but…he works on his own cars so that’s not really a business?” Henry said, fluffing his chainmail merkin.

    Speaking of mayors, we were at the Hollywood Theater Saturday night watching our good friend Jessi perform with the shadow cast. Before the show started, the MC gave a shout-out to the mayor of Dormont, which is the town right next to ours, where the Hollywood is located.

    “DORMONT HAS A MAYOR!?” I hoarsely whispered to Henry, totally shook at this revelation.

    Henry dished out his “yeah, everyone has a mayor” on a bed of condescension.

    “WHO’S BROOKLINE’S MAYOR!?” I screamed, but quietly-screamed, because we were indoors, after all. #insidevoice

    “UM, PEDUTO!?” Henry cried incredulously, and then it clicked that, oh yeah, Brookline is part of Pittsburgh! I guess I just assumed that Peduto was like, All Mayor, but now I am learning that no, other towns have their own mayors so I spent a large part of the day Wiki’ing various mayors in Allegheny County and aren’t you guys all super confident in my ability to cast a thoughtful vote on election days?

    This new information will be helpful the next time I get the fiery urge to call a mayor.

    ***

    Fun facts: I’m stupendously bad at pinball, I forget pretty much all multiplication tables past 3, I have two scars on my face (chicken pox scar on my cheek, eyebrow ring scar on account of having to get it SURGICALLY REMOVED), I tweeted that thing about the Dormont mayor AND THE DORMONT MAYOR LIKED IT.

    Synonyms for Erin Rachelle Kelly: imitator, fake, all kinds of low-life.

    But yeah, this is a real “article” that I found by clicking on a referring link to my blog and boy was that a sweet surprise. I mean this has to be fake, right? Not as fake as me, but still — who comes up with one fact for a selfie spoon, let alone 7?!

    They at least credited my blog as source though, so…good?

    ***

    It was raining this morning and kind of chilly so I figured I would wear my windbreaker so I could put up the hood to extra-protect my hair but then I couldn’t find it and I realized that I left it at work last spring, in my desk closet thing. So I grabbed Chooch’s windbreaker even though it’s just slightly longer than a crop-top on me, because it has a hood and fits OK in the sleeves. The whole time I was walking to the the trolley I was like, “WHAT IS THAT SMELL, IT’S GROSS YET FAMILIAR” and then, when it was too late to turn back, I realized that it was the jacket and what I was smelling was the stench of a 12-year-old boy and I was like gagging on the whole way to work, it was awful.

    And then once I got to work, I started smelling vitamins and started choking back vomit-burps because I HATE VITAMINS – I can only take them in gummy or sometimes gel form. Henry recently bought me some women’s health vitamins from GNC and the first time I took them, I immediately ran to the bathroom and puked and now I can’t even think of them without a green pallor taking over my normally super-blushy cheeks. Anyway, Henry is now taking women’s vitamins because “I PAID LIKE $20 FOR THAT BOTTLE, BLAHHHHH!”

    During this mysterious vitamin-huffing moment, I had a flashback to when I was a kid, like maybe 8 or 9, and my mom used to go to what the family called “The Fat Doctor” even though my mom wasn’t fat, but he was some nutritionist or something, probably not, who would distribute some kind of “fat pills” to his patients. My brother Ryan and I would have to sit in the waiting room and it reeked of vitamins in there and even worse, THE WATER IN THE WATER FOUNTAIN HAD THE METALLIC TASTE OF PENNIES AND VITAMINS AT THE SAME TIME! Oh, my god, I might have to puke…I just had a flashback-tasting of that water.

    One time, we were getting ready to leave and some lady walked in. She was pretty overweight and Ryan was at the age where he just said whatever was on his mind because 4 year olds give no fucks about a filter. My mom knew it was about to happen and even though she was in the process of slapping her hand over his mouth, he had just enough time to blurt out, loudly, “MOMMY, THAT LADY’S FAT.”

    Oh my god, it was awful.

    He also called out a small person, and an entire sidewalk of black people while we were at a red light in Clairton. AREN’T KIDS GREAT.

    Now I wish The Fat Doctor was still alive because I’d like some of those pills. #shameless

    Also, I don’t know why I was smelling vitamins other than: another mini-stroke.

    ***

    Speaking of filterless children, boy I sure despise them. Yesterday, I got stuck sitting on  the trolley behind a couple and their boy who was like 3 maybe? I can’t figure out ages of children. He was at that age were screaming in fits is a compulsion. Like, he didn’t accidentally touch a hot poker or anything, he just…felt like belting out a blood-curling bellow right then for no reason other THAN HE COULD. And his parents were just like quietly discussing who did what on Facebook around his bucking body and I was like, “HE IS DOING THIS BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT ENGAGING HIM. STIMULATE HIS FUCKING MIND, PLEASE.”

    It was so bad that I got off a stop early because fuck that shit.

    Today, I got stuck sitting IN FRONT of them this time, and he fell at some point and hit his dumb face or something and started shrieking and I was like, “HAHA good you deserve that” but then the joke was on me because I had to sit there while it sounded like he was perched on my shoulder, crying in my ear.

    And annoying dad and daughter were in front of me! But they were super quiet in comparison.

    I eventually moved to another car but I should not have to do that because there should be a caboose designated for parents and their unruly children, like A CRY ROOM AT CHURCH.

    Question: Why don’t you just listen to music?

    Answer: BECAUSE BLOCKING OUT SURROUNDING SOUNDS IS WHEN YOU SET YOURSELF UP FOR A STABBING.

    ***

    I was out on my break yesterday and I got caught in a rainstorm because when I checked the weather on my phone, it didn’t say it was going to rain AND THEN SPOILER ALERT IT FUCKING RAINED. I stood under a bridge across from PNC Park for a while in an attempt to wait it out but then eventually I was like, “Well it’s now or never” and I ran for it, even though my calf is still broken from last week! It hurt! Anyway, I ran several blocks until I could at least see my building and then I stood under an awning and called Henry, who, wait for it, WHITE KNIGHTED THE FUCKING WEATHER ARE YOU GODDAMN KIDDING ME? Can I please just complain about a thing in peace?!

    ***

    Speaking of that jerk amateur car mechanic neighbor, my cat Penelope has a major crush on him for some reason and loves to sit on the back porch and watch him work. I called her out on this one day and Chooch was like, “Maybe she has a mechanic fetish” and I was like, “Chooch!” and he shrugged and said, “Would you rather I have said kink?”

    OMG.

    ***

    OK you’re dismissed.

    Jul 272018
     

    Wow, just wow, I have been a mental mess. It’s becoming harder and harder for me to have conversations because my mind and mouth are suffering from an extreme disconnect, like get these two into a mediation stat, you know? This afternoon, I went over to talk to our new-ish admin person, Margie, about something and I could not for the life of me form a sentence. She was looking at me, like, “THE FUCK ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY TO ME, DEAR” and it was like we were lounging uncomfortably in the Black Lodge and I was showing her how sometimes my arms bend back. (Props if you get that reference.) The whole time, the coherent Erin that I hold hostage in my head was screaming “COME ON USE YOUR WORDS, ERIN. YOU CAN DO THIS.” And then I yelled at the admin lady for not immediately knowing what I was trying to say. YOU’VE BEEN HERE LONG ENOUGH NOW, MARGIE.

    Also, I’ve been getting headaches lately, should I see a doctor don’t answer that I’m terrified of doctors and won’t go anyway HAHAHAlolUgh.

    Anyway, here’s some five things for you to chew on.

    1. When I was in middle school, I read a Lucille Ball biography and the only thing that stuck with me was that she had rheumatoid arthritis and to this day, I think that’s what I have anytime I have even the slightest twinge (or “twingle” as I originally typed) of pain. I literally can’t remember anything else that was in that book.

    2. One of the IT guys at work yesterday was talking to me and out of the blue he blurted out, “Where’d you get that picture of Tony Stewart?” and I was like “WHO?” and then I realized he was talking about the painting of Tony Stewart that I’ve had on my desk for three years. “Oh, that thing? I painted it,” I said, and he was all “OMG!!1111” which made me laugh because I literally painted it as a joke one day when I was being my usual asshole self and latching on to an ESPN alert I received telling me that TONY STEWART KILLED A MAN. And then Henry got all White Knight-y about it so I took that to mean Henry loves Tony Stewart, so I painted him a picture of Tony one day while he was at the store and THEN HE DIDN’T WANT IT because he doesn’t appreciate me or my “art” so I took it to work and it has been on my desk ever since and now people who don’t know me think I like Nascar. Anyway, I told the IT guy that I painted it as a joke and he was like “OK crazy” and left.

          SUB-THOUGHT: After this Tony Stewart revelation happened yesterday, my friend Alisha sent me a screenshot of her Facebook memory for that day because this is what my friends do now that I’m not on Facebook, send me screenshots, and this particular memory was from like 9 years ago when I did Blogathon, which was when people sponsored me to blog every 30 minutes for 24 hours for charity. (Hold up while I google Hashimoto’s Disease to see if I have that because people are talking about that on YouTube right now.) (I’m back, I think I probably don’t have that.) Anyway, Alisha came over during two Blogathons and let me torture her because she is a good friend so I decided to look up old pictures from Blogathon to send her in case she needed a trigger in her day, and the first one I found was a picture of a book page and without even looking I knew exactly that it was because I had become obsessed with the word MISCEGENATION and played the Dictionary.com pronunciation of it over and over and then found a way to make it my ringtone. So last night, after work, I randomly put my phone up to Henry’s ear and played the Dictionary.com soundbyte and he was like, “FUCK THAT WORD, FUCK IT RIGHT IN ITS ASS.” Dude barely remembers anything but HE WILL NEVER FORGET THAT WORD! Thanks for letting me share my obsessions.
      3. You guys, if you ever wake up one day and think, “You know, my English-speaking self is really craving a good Korean drama to binge,” PLEASE DO YOURSELF A FAVOR AND WATCH “ARE YOU HUMAN TOO.” Henry and I are shook. We’re actually watching it in real-time (it’s still currently being aired in Korea) so we go through withdrawals after we finish the two new episodes that come out every week. Henry texted me Monday morning and said, “NEW EPISODE TODAY” and I was like, “Yeah no shit, I get alerts too, Henry.” God he always has to co-opt everything I love. But honestly, I feel actual heartache while I’m watching this show, which is about a robot, because the robot is the most perfect, sweetest thing of all time and I want a robot just like him OK FINE I JUST WANT SEO KANG JOON THE ACTOR WHO PLAYS HIM. YOU GOT ME. I keep trying to entice Lauren to watch it so I’ll have someone at work to talk about it with. Here is the trailer, get into it!
      • https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XuVQXkx7eEE&t=5s
      4. “It’s like someone poured a bunch of fat into a garbage bag and said, ‘OK, here’s Erin Kelly!'” I said sourly on my nightly walk with Henry today, because I am having A VERY BAD BODY DYSMORPHIC DAY and have been slinging my tagline “3-6-5-So-Fat*” much to Henry’s chagrin. Honestly, I am so trigger-prone lately. I saw a post on Instagram that was all “I’m not saying that thigh gaps are something to strive for BUT OMG LOOK AT MY THIGH GAP” and I was like, “Go fuck yourself. IN YOUR THIGH GAP. LITERALLY.” It sent me on a spiral and then I’m YouTubing crash diets and Henry’s all, “Look, I’m not a doctor but this military diet seems dangerous” and I’m like “I WILL FUCKING CUT YOU, NOW GO BOIL ME A FUCKING EGG WHILE I EAT THESE FIVE SALTINE CRACKERS, MOTHERFUCKER.”
      *There’s a song called 365 Fresh so listen to it and then hear in your head me singing the words 365SoFat.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8gPQenyj1nI

    • *Also on our walk I decided that the solution to all my problems is that I need to get into a good old-fashioned fist fight and Henry quickly and adamantly  opposed this. I wanted to start with the guy at the red light revving his Small Weener Car engine what a cocky motherfucker. I HATE GUYS WHO DO THAT.

    5. It’s looking like we might be getting another department on our floor so some of us were talking about what that could mean and Amber was like YOU MIGHT HAVE TO TAKE DOWN THE GLENNS, and by that she means the various posterboards hanging up, displaying all of my Glenn-artistry when I used to print out sheets of his employee photo and turn it into recent dead celebs which I have since stopped doing since the end of 2016 because we lost so many Greats that year that it was just becoming too depressing. So then I had the idea that I could turn each individual Glenn into jewelry because Henry and I were just talking about how we (read: he) should start making pendants again. “AND THEN I CAN SELL THEM AT THE TABLE BY THE KITCHEN JUST LIKE GAYLE USED TO DO WITH HER BEAD JEWELRY!” Lauren, Amber, and Margie were like, “Wow. That is a great idea” but their facial muscles weren’t forming the appropriate gleeful expression that mine were. I filled in Glenn and said, “I’ll give you one for free, but you have to pay for any others you want” and then I walked away before he could kill my joy.

    And this has been the Friday Fiver. Maybe this weekend I will do some shots and write the next great American novel but really it will just be a 2,000 word post about Warped Tour BOY WON’T YOU FEEL FOOLED.

    Also the formatting on this is all out of wack but I assure you, I might have brain issues lately but I DO know how to count.

    Jul 062018
     

    Today is Friday. Here are five things I’ve been happy about this week, I guess:

    1. This Korean art I bought in Insadong that Henry finally hung up for me before it ended up breaking from all the sitting around it did on the dining room table (“OMG just do it yourself” blah blah blah says my anti-fan club, lol):

    2. Drinking Copious Amounts of Water

    Yes, my waterjug-chug-a-lug’ing is going strong but I have had to answer to pretty much every single person who spies it on my desk (I mean, it does kind of stand out). Like YES I AM DRINKING THIS PLUS SOME EVERYDAY. I’ll tell you, when it’s in your face like that, it really isn’t very challenging and I sure do feel a lot better for it. Did you know that some hydration authorities say you should drink one ounce for every pound you weigh?!

    3. Special Delivery from My Mom!

    After work today, my mom stopped over with some stuff from Trax Farms (fun fact, you locals: I’m related to the Trax family). Like vegetables and stuff, and then a Jurassic World blanket for Chooch because HE GETS EVERYTHING. J/K. I didn’t also want a Jurassic World blanket. I want, I don’t know, a Taemin blanket probably. Anyway! My mom also brought over lunch meat (ugh Henry) and cheese. “OMG SHE GAVE US TOO? OH SHE IS SO NICE!” like this is an orphanage and now he gets to put a cheese-cap on his nightly porridge for a special treat. As he was dramatically gnashing on a slice of provolone, he said very seriously, “Colby is good, but provolone if my forever favorite.” Meanwhile, Henry was all butt-hurt, whining about how he buys cheese too, like he’s going to turn this into some competitive grocery shopping thing.

    She also got us corn!! I love corn! Except that I won’t eat it on the cob, I make Henry scrape it off me so it falls onto a plate like puzzle pieces. I had braces for 8 years and grew accustomed to eating my corn this way, you guys. I was telling Carrie about this at work last week and she informed that there are kitchen tools for this very act; I looked on Amazon and she’s right! THEY’RE CALLED CORN STRIPPERS!!!!.

    4. Speaking of Taemin!!

    I was challenging myself to not post this video on here because I know my Kpop gushing is nauseating for most/all, but Taemin was on this Korean show called The Call, where artists are paired up and collaborate together. I watched this video in the car on the way home from Newark last week and it has been in my head EVERY DAY since. It’s a collab between Taemin and rapper BeWhy and it’s a real wig-snatcher. (Lol, I hate that saying.)

    5. Halfway to Holiday World!

    One thing that always pulls me out of a summer numbness (I was going to be cute and call it a Summer Number but then I was like, “hey that looks familiar, oh right, because ‘number’ is already a word” and now I’m dwelling on the fact that when you add an “er” to the end of “numb,” the “b” suddenly becomes unsilent. ENGLISH, WHY U DIS WAY?!) is going to amusement parks! I have Henry half-convinced that we should go to Holiday World in Indiana. I tried to get him to take us there a few years ago when we went to Indiana Beach because my reasoning was, “They are both in Indiana” and then he showed me a map of Indiana and I was still like, “Ok…so?” So now, years later, I’m back on my Holiday World kick and he seems mildly interested because the route we would take puts us near Jungle Jim’s, a huge grocery store near Cincinnati known for it’s huge selection of international goods. The last time we were there, I was more into Romania than Korea so I didn’t focus on any of the k-goodness. Also, I want to eat at Hyde’s! But all this talk about going to Indiana has made me daydream about the quaint little burger joint we went to when we were in town for Indiana Beach–Mr. Happy Burger!!! I think I just recently referenced this on here because I get obsessed and then re-obsessed. Anyway, I’ve been all up in Henry’s ears about how “and then we can go to Mr. Happy Burger too!” and he is like “NO!” and I am like, “WHY?!” and he is like, “LITERALLY FOR THE SAME REASON I TOLD YOU WE COULDN’T DO INDIANA BEACH AND HOLIDAY WORLD AT THE SAME TIME – THEY ARE ON OPPOSITE SIDES OF THE STATE!” and then he has to re-show me a map of Indiana which I just blink at and say, “So?”

    We’ll see how far I get with this hackneyed scheme. Shooting for August. FINGERS CROSSED!!! I want to ride on holiday-themed rides and go hog-wild in Santa Claus, Indiana!

    Jun 122018
     
    1. Brookline Machete

    One morning last week, I was walking by Lauren, who eschewed all socially acceptable versions of salutations and instead exclaimed, “Erin, where is your machete?!” She was in the process of struggling to open a box of crackers as she said this so I thought she was facetiously seeking the aid of a machete. BUT NO! She was literally asking where my machete was because apparently a bar in my neighborhood had been robbed by someone wielding a machete!

    Now, it’s pretty common knowledge among work cohorts that I have, and am terrified of, a machete in my house. So it was hilarious to me that there were several others in addition to Lauren who also said that they thought of me immediately when they saw this on the news. Oh I love my reputation.

    Anyway, I hadn’t heard of this robbery so I went back to my desk and Googled it, and came upon this awesome write-up:

    OK, some thing to note:

    2. Twitter Crazy

    The other night, I got notification that some old ass tweet of mine from April 2008 had been liked and retweeted. Super random, so I decided to investigate and it turns out that this Helen lady who is Twitter verifed and followed by Skrillex (lol) was challenged to tweet something crazy and the first thing she found was this tweet of mine from 10 years ago, which has now been RT’d several more times and liked by a bunch of weirdos when the reality is that I really think this was true when I tweeted it!!

    3. I Looked Like This One Day Last Week

    4. ART RAGE

    Two Friday nights ago, I realized that the last day of school was fast approaching and told Chooch to log on to his student portal thing so I could get a feel for what his last report card would look like and that’s when I was shocked—NAY, TRAUMATIZED—to see that he had his first C ever in the history of Chooch attending school.

    A ‘C’ IN ART.

    ART!!!

    HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN?!

    I was getting more and more worked up and he was like, “LOOK IT’S NOT ME, IT’S HER, SHE HATES ME AND SHE THINKS I SUCK AT ART!” and he was crying about it a little bit by now so after I made him swear 8 times that this wasn’t because he misses some classes occasionally on the days he goes to the gifted center, and that he doesn’t have any unfinished projects, I searched for this broad’s contact info on the school’s website and then stabbed out an email to her. Chooch wouldn’t let me send it until he read it over because he wanted to make sure I hadn’t “called her the c-word” in my blind rage.

    He adjusted some things but then gave me the OK to hit send.

    It was terse, but professional. I told her that as an artist myself (LOL, I mean, I guess I used to see my stuff on Etsy so that must give some artist street cred?), I appreciated that public schools offered art classes but that it made me sad that instead of finding it to be a therapeutic and joyful (lol) experience, my son was panicked and dreading it.

    Anyway, she emailed me back the following Tuesday with a scanned attachment of CHOOCH’S UNFINISHED PROJECT and said that she gave it to him to work on at home and that if he returned it completed, she would change his grade. Oh, and that she also sent him home with some markers, as he told her that he doesn’t have ANY ART SUPPLIES AT HOME.

    YOU LITTLE SHIT, I LITERALLY JUST TOLD HER IN THE EMAIL THAT YOU PROOFREAD THAT I’M AT ARTIST AND NOW SHE PROBABLY THINKS I’M A LIAR!

    Oh, also he would prefer to spend the class talking to his friends and this part I know for sure is FACT.

    So then I had to eat crow and apologize to her and that, while Chooch might not be the best artist, HE SURE IS A GREAT ACTOR.

    There were people following along with this Shakespearean tragedy at work.

    “Wow, this story is very layered,” Lou said when I vented about it in the office kitchen and you know I must have really needed to talk about this if I was TALKING TO LOU.

    Wendy thought it was hilarious.

    So did Glenn and Amber, of course.

    I couldn’t wait to get home and verbally annihilate the little brat-face, but then he threw a wrench in my anger by giving me MORE INSIGHT INTO THE DRAMA!

    So his side is that she hates him (I can partially believe this; she practically defenestrated herself when she saw us approaching her classroom last year during Open House and then said she had to go to a meeting while literally RUNNING OUT OF THE ROOM. Wow.

    Anyway, Chooch’s defense was, “DO I TALK TO MY FRIENDS IN CLASS? YES! I TALK TO THEM ABOUT THE PROJECT, HOW I HATE THE PROJECT, HOW I HATE THAT CLASS!” and that also his project wasn’t incomplete in his eyes. The assignment was self-portrait but he doesn’t like drawing people so he drew a blimp because he identifies as a blimp? I have no idea, he lost me there. But then the art teacher was all, “ROAR ROAR ROAR YOU DID THIS WRONG” and he was all, “I THOUGHT ART WAS ABOUT SELF-EXPRESSION!?” and she was like, “NOT WHEN I’M TEACHING IT, DO IT THE WAY I ASKED” and then he didn’t want to color it either because in his eyes he’s a gray-scale blimp which makes sense because isn’t that what color they are? So then he had to bring markers home to color in his new self-portrait since he lives in a house devoid of all art supplies because his parents don’t believe IN THE ARTS and his finished project was himself spray-painting the word “blimp” on a brick wall.

    5. Penelope-Sanctioned Snuggles

    This happened one day after work last week for a few seconds. I’m not sure if you can tell by her face, but she doesn’t like being cuddled unless it’s bedtime and she’s come to make our sleep as uncomfortable as possible.

    6. G-Dragon, the Melania of Korea

    The subject of G-Dragon came up in an email chain going on last week between me and my work-group of Amber, Lauren, Todd and Glenn. I mean, I don’t know WHO would have brought him up…but then Lauren was inspired to google him since I don’t sit over on their side anymore to blurt out GD-updates on a whim, and she replied all to ask me if I knew how his ankle surgery went since that was the most recent thing her search brought up, and you guys, that was MID-MAY. I actually didn’t have more information than that because none of the Korean sites have said anything more than he was admitted to a hospital to have the surgery, which allegedly went well, and then was expected to be released back to the military once he recovered BUT HAS HE RECOVERED OR…?!

    I even asked Twitter and no one answered me. Fuck you, Twitter.

    7. Fifty First Drews

    One day last week, I had my hair in a ponytail, but I guess it was positioned differently, maybe it was lopsided, up higher than usual, who knows, but Drew DID NOT RECOGNIZE ME and she looked like she was hunting prey the way she kept her eyes locked on me as she slowly crept closer. It was super stupid. Oftentimes, she and Penelope act like it’s their first day in our house and we have to wait patiently for them to assimilate.

    Anyway, this picture was taken after she calmed down and accepted my new (?) look.

    8. SHINeepalooza!

    Pretty much spent all last week watching every single SHINee stage on all of the music countdown shows (of course they lost to BTS on every single one too and you know I love BTS but COME THE FUCK ON BTS, GO HOME AND LET SOMEONE ELSE WIN A LITTLE TOO, FUCK) and also their new reality show which is FUCKING ADORABLE and I just have the hardest time comprehending how Taemin can be such a brooding God on stage and then be the biggest seal-clapping dork in real life. IT MAKES ME LOVE HIM EVEN MORE.  I love this part of their show where they’re touring the SHINee exhibit of the SMTown museum and the rest of SHINee keeps scolding him for touching everything.

    Give SHINee some love you guys, and help Jonghyun’s memory alive. <3

    Well, that’s pretty much all of the things that happened last week that are worth noting.

    Jun 012018
     

    Hey boy. Hey girl. It’s the end of another workweek and here are 5 photos & 5 bullets that I would like to share.

    On Tuesday, I was outside on my break and for one fleeting, frozen moment in time I thought I was about to get punched by some Yinzer-skinhead hybrid who glared straight at my face like he knew me and I wronged him and his whole white trash family, and just as I was beginning to cower against the side of the Benedum Center, he veered to his left and stalked away. IT WAS SO SCARY. And then the next day, another man gave me a flower for no reason (and not because he wanted money, like Henry the Callous D-Bag insinuated). You never know what you’re going to get here in downtown Pittsburgh, you guys. You just never know.

    We didn’t use the backporch at all over the winter because it was too cold and Henry the Tightwad wouldn’t buy a space heater (or A KEROSENE HEATER, like I really wanted) so we basically just kept that door shut for months. But now that it’s been consistently above 60 degrees, that room is being used almost primarily by the cats (this is their favorite room in the house!) but also this is where Henry sometimes eats his dinner, sitting in one of the wheelchairs, because I’m busy hogging the living room with my kpop cardio and I don’t want him to watch me (it’s different when we’re doing it together, OK?!). Anyway, I’m excited to start filling this room with plants again because I’m a sucker.

    Today, since it’s June 1st, I pulled out the next SHINee calendar for my desk area and was super excited to see that it’s TAEMIN for the month of June! I giddily hung it up and when Carrie turned around to tell me she wanted fruit salad, I gave the Taemin calendar my best Vanna White hand-flourish and said, “OK but look at this beautiful, perfect face!” and she was just like, “But…it’s not fruit.” Then a few minutes later, I thought she was walking by from behind me so I spun around in my seat to point out Taemin to her again, but it was someone else who I don’t know every well and we made eye contact while I was in mid-Vanna and then I slowly turned back toward my computer. Everyone there already thinks I’m weird, so it wasn’t a very big deal.

    Then I took a picture of it and emailed it to Glenn and Todd, my ex-neighbors, and Glenn said he didn’t realize how empty his life was.

    I went to Allegheny Coffee to get some ch-ch-chai and saw these wonderful tip jars and wished I had a buck to smash into the “or nah” vessel. Kenny Chesney plays here every summer at Heinz Field and brings alllllll the redneck riffraff to the yard. They trash the city, cause fights, piss and puke everywhere, get arrested. It’s just madness and I will be sure to avoid the entire downtown area tomorrow, thanks.

    Also, the barista told me I had lipstick on my teeth and I appreciated that.

    Then I saw this super tall guy on my way back and I was excited to take his picture. HE IS SO TALL. He had to have been 7 feet.

    Some other things from this week that I want to remember:

    • I made a new friend on KakaoTalk from Korea! He asked me how old I am and said he was surprised because he thought I was around his age (29!!) so he said, “You’re 누나 (noona)” which means, like, “older sister” and I was like, “Thank you, 친구 (chingu/friend) for not calling me 아줌마 (ajumma/middle-aged woman, or married woman with kids)!” This was a huge deal and I ran over to show Chooch who muttered, “Oh my god.”
    • Carrie got a small hole in the back of her dress today and no one had a safety pin so she was like, “Erin, will you staple this?” and I was already performing warm-up clicks of my stapler before she even had a chance to finish her sentence. And so I gave her dress three good staples and relished every moment because it was SO DANGEROUS and THRILLING. Lori said I had a scary devious look on my face. It was almost as exciting as the time Jeannie asked me to cut her hair during late shift! (Seriously, she put her hair in a ponytail and had me chop it off but she wouldn’t let me use my personal scissors that are stained with fake-blood; she provided her own.)
    • Speaking of Lori, she told me she went to the kpop section of iTunes and felt overwhelmed so I took it upon myself to (giddily) make her a list of some of my favorites, complete with legit footnotes. Then I almost emailed it to the wrong person but maybe she would have liked it too? Then my pal Valarie suggested that I do something like this for my blog because she would be interested in some recommendations and maybe other people would too, so then I thought maybe I could make a kpop101 playlist WOULD YOU LISTEN TO IT IF I DID Y OR N.
    • Oh shit I forgot to mention in my Memorial Day post that we went to Ulta and the thing I got (some Klorane hairspray shit) had a sign that said ANY KLORANE PURCHASE COMES WITH A FREE SOMETHING but I forget what the something was, some sample-sized of hair oil or something, and Henry was like, “Oh I am taking a picture of this with my phone for sure” and sure enough, we went up to pay and the young lavender-haired broad was like, “Thanks come again” as she handed the bag to Henry & Henry was like “where is my free gift” & the girl was like “???” so Henry pulls out his phone & is all “this sign here says I get a free gift, see” & I guess the sign was a mistake (so she says) but she still gave him some kind of manly body wash sample.
    • Our system was down again yesterday and Regina was like, “I wish [system] was a person—” and Carrie cut in to say, “Yeah, so we can punch it in the face!!!” And Regina slowly said, “Well, I was going to say so we could say encouraging things to it, but OK.” I dunno, I’m with Carrie. I would have roundhoused it in the balls after she punched it in the face.