May 182018

I had a whole different thing that I planned on writing today since I had the morning off but then BTS released their new album and an MV so I’ve been up since like 5am obsessing over that (my cat Penelope woke me up at 5 by screaming at her cat carrier, and at first I was super pissed but then I squinted at my phone and screamed OOOOH BTS! So that’s been my day so far aside from, you know, working.

So here are 5 things, I guess.

  1. Um, BTS. Le Duh. Here is there new video for Fake Love but my favorite song so far is Paradise so I’m including that too. There’s also a song that has his subtle background jazz that reminds me of something I would have heard in the 80s eating at Blue Flame with my Pappap, like some Chuck Mangione vibes, like some backing track for Boz Scaggs, so the nostalgia claws hard at the heart on that one. Most importantly though: no Desiigner and no full-English songs so I’m content! I’m even more excited to see them in September now!

2. I had the dreaded wellness exam thing at work on Wednesday which I already mentioned on here because this blog is basically a junk drawer of scattered thoughts at this point but I didn’t tell you that the guy doing my exam was in town for this from Cleveland and I was like OH I LIKE CLEVELAND because I do and so this made me feel inspired to Small Talk. I asked him if he’s done anything fun while he’s been here and he stopped and looked at me. “Well, I’m talking to you,” he said and I was like OH WOW JEEZ DO U PUT CORN ON ALL YR JOKES. But then of course I spent the rest of the day wondering if this was actually an insult?! Like, he could be doing something fun but instead he’s talking to me while squeezing blood* out of my finger? Anyway, ambiguous pick-up line/insult aside, this was the first time since HAVING A BABY that my BMI was in the “normal” range. I still think BMI is bullshit though.

3. *Speaking of blood, here’s a Fun Fact: the word for blood in Korean in 피 – pee. It took some getting used to when I was watching dramas and they’re screaming PEE! PEE! at murder scenes.

4. Henry and I had a HUGE fight about Boyz II Men in the car the other day. I realized I had never listened to the new Charlie Puth album on account of his singing in English so I pulled it up on Spotify and said, “Oh, he has a song with Boyz II Men!” so I put it on and almost immediately made some joyful comment about how good Boyz II Men sound with Le Charles and Henry said something about how they weren’t even singing yet and I was like “THE SONG LITERALLY STARTS WITH THEM SINGING?!!!” and Henry was like, “Oh well how could anyone even tell that was them, they weren’t even singing words yet” and I was like, “BECAUSE THAT’S LITERALLY THEIR SIGNATURE HARMONIZING SOUND?!!?” Oh my god, get the fuck out of my car, boy.

5. Well, I guess I’ll conclude with an update on what you have all been waiting for (lol jk) – my team ended up finishing in 4th place Firmwide, which is actually a pretty big feat considering there were over 40 teams and we essentially only had 3 people on our team while everyone else had 4. Carrie and I were fuming though when it was finally revealed who was on the winning team because THERE IS NO WAY. Also, if I had registered as an individual, I’d have been in second place. BUT WHO’S KEEPING SCORE HAHAHAHAhahahahaha sob.

5.5 Here’s a REAL TIME bonus one for you. Right after posting this, I got up to walk away from the computer and SOMEONE (Henry) left the fucking tray open on the printer so I walked into it and it scraped my thigh which hurt because I’m wearing shorts so I went on a tirade about how Henry ruins my life and then I looked down and noticed that A WELT was forming on my thigh and so I said, “It looks just like the time I was holding a Sparkler and bent down to pick up a frog and—” at which point Henry cut me off and said, “I’m sorry, WHAT? How do those two words even go in the same sentence” and I was like, “Bitch let me finish and you’ll understand, it’s not that crazy” and I told him about the time I was a kid and I was holding a lit Sparkler and then saw a frog on the sidewalk and said “ooh frog” and bent over to pick it up, forgetting that I was holding a Sparkler and the Sparkler scraped into my thigh and since it was, you know, LIVE, it left a scar on my leg for quite some time, but sadly, it eventually faded, and it was here at this point that I realized Henry was doing the “laughing so hard nothing is coming out” laugh and I’m offended. He said it’s one of the best stories I’ve told him and I don’t think he means that in a nice way. :(

I’ll leave you with this adorbs picture of Calvin who is cultivating a love of clowns at a very young age, much to his mom’s chagrin! (Oh don’t worry, I’ll be back tomorrow with a zillion pictures of Korea.)

May 142018

We’ll start this party with an obliggy keyboard kitty.

  • Henry and I took a leisurely stroll through Brookline Sunday morning which is the least he could do since I made my own breakfast on Mother’s Day (confetti waffles, bitches, and don’t get too excited because they were the toaster kind). Walking down the Boulevard almost always offers some form of entertainment, whether it’s the old man who totes his 1980s boombox around with him in a backpack and dances on the sidewalk1 or watching Yinzers yell at each other outside of Zippy’s and then you get closer and realize they’re not actually mad, their voices just sound that way from all the cigarettes and hard Pittsburgh-living. First, I pointed out the creepy Jesus picture that was a curious part of the window display at Jo’s Salon. “Isn’t that the same one we have in our bathroom?” Henry observed, trying to keep up with the word count I had already set for our walking conversation. “No! That’s SEXY Jesus! Duh.” And Henry mumbled, “Sorry.” Moment later, a fire truck was pulling out of the station, so traffic stopped to allow for this to happen, obviously. This is probably one of the things they teach in Drivers Ed. “Yield to Fire Trucks.” I don’t know. But of course there was that ONE CAR who was so pissed that no one was moving, so the driver just laid on the horn. Like, relentlessly. He could have actually had had a heart attack at the wheel and was slumped over, for all we knew, but instead everyone on the sidewalk was super pissed at this overzealous display of pushiness. One guy walked by and said, “The Jagoff2 Convention must have let out early” and I just started cracking up so bad because what a perfect representation of Pittsburgh, if ever there was.
    • SIDE BAR1: I was on my lunch break a few weeks ago, standing at the curb waiting for the light to change, when suddenly, “GLORIA! GLORIA! i THINK THEY GOT YOUR NUMBER! GLORIA!” was blasting in my ear. I looked to my right and sure enough, there was Brookline Dancer, dancing in place next to me on Liberty Avenue! What a joy to see him downtown!
    • SIDEBAR2: Jagoff is Pittsburghese for “jack off” or “douchebag.” I am such a teacher.
  • I got KCON tickets for Chooch and me on Friday!  It was yet another Ticketmaster clusterfuck and I really wish someone would find a way to destroy them because $50 service fees?! Go fuck yourself, Ticketmaster.  So, I’m going to be living That Cloistered Life for the next couple of months, but it will be worth it because I get to see Pentagon! I’ve been so obsessed with them lately and I even made Carrie watch one of their videos at work last week. I sit behind her now and I was holding my breath while she watched it because I half-expected her to be like THIS IS DUMMM like my OLD NEIGHBORS did. But instead, she said, “Not gonna lie, that was pretty cute. They are pretty adorable. And it has a good beat!” You know what I said? I very calmly and seriously said, “Thank you.” Because I wrote, directed, produced, and sang on that shit, obviously. And choreographed it too. I already posted the subject video on here, but here is an acoustic version of it that they just performed on a music countdown show last week! I LOVE THEM THEY’RE SUCH LITTLE ANGEL BABIES.

  • Henry recently found out that my mom still cooks for my brother even though he doesn’t live at home anymore, and I just started cracking up because it could not be any more clearer that my brother and I are related. In my mom’s defense for not forcing us to learn how to cook, I brought up the fact that my dad used to make me clean the house all of the time because I guess he thought it was going to make me turn into a good wife for someone someday, but instead it just made me hate cleaning so now I never do it because, again, I hate cleaning. “Maybe he was just trying to teach you how to live independently!” Henry cried in disbelief of my casual dismissal of this whole thing.
  • Last Friday on the trolley, some broad started clipping her nails. I know, right. Immediately, like even faster than I was able to realize that human bits were being clipped, the guy across from her said, in the most Kevin from The Office way, “That’s really gross.” So she said, “YEAH WELL I HAVE A MEETING” (bitch, ok, so?) and then HE said, “You couldn’t do that at home?” So SHE said, “NO I HAVE 3 JOBS AND IF YOU WOULD MIND YOUR BUSINESS I’D APPRECIATE IT” and he calmly monotoned, “OK” and then she continued to clip her nails. I ALMOST SAT IN FRONT OF HER TOO. I still think about that, to this day (three days later).
    • Also, I doubt she has three jobs but OK, I exaggerate a lot too when I’m in a public confrontation. BITCH WHATCHU LOOKING AT I JUST GOT OUTTA JAILLLLLLLL.

I call this “RIP My Feet.” Would you believe people used to buy my art?

  • Yesterday was the last day of the Walking Challenge, you guys! I managed to get 30,000 steps every day during the final week except for last Monday, where I only got 27,000 (as previously mentioned.) This morning, it felt so great to not immediately put myself in walking mode, and I quietly wept with joy as I ate my breakfast, in a seated position. But then things took a turn. Carrie was entering her steps for this last week and realized she missed a day earlier on in the competition. No, I don’t mean that she crashed out in a gin bath for an entire day and accumulated zero steps, I mean that she just “somehow” missed entering her steps for one day. I was internally fuming about this. WHAT A DUM-DUM! I was thinking in my head while concocting different ways to humiliate her when the results come in tomorrow and we’re even further down in the standings. Maybe I could start calling her Lou Jr.? New Lou? But then something inside me, some niggling sensation of paranoia, made me check my own steps and sure enough I MISSED A DAY TOO! 4/20 TO BE EXACT AND NO IT WASN’T BECAUSE I WAS TOO BUSY FLOATING ON A CLOUD WITH MILEY CYRUS. We have to manually type in our steps on some confusing firm-provided page thing and I guess I just didn’t go back far enough on the first week. And then I realized, “THE FIRST WEEK?!” That’s the week that the Top #25 Mini Challenge happened and I came in 4th overall for individual walkers, so I went back and looked at the numbers AND I WOULD HAVE BEEN IN 3RD. Motherfucker!! Carrie pointed out that it was moot because the prize was still the same regardless, and she’s right but UGH CITY! I wanted to fucking scream into a pillow! But then I started crazy-laughing because think about it — I missed entering a 20,000-step day AND STILL PLACED and MY TEAM WAS STILL IN 3RD THAT WEEK! So, I guess that’s kind of cool. I’m still mad at myself though. I was bitching about my snafu to another co-worker by the bathroom when Sandy walked by and just started laughing because I AM CONSUMED and she knows it and if we’re being honest here, SHE EGGS ME ON.  This challenge can fuck off. I’m going back into retirement.
    • Now that I think about it, really sounds like my team was sabotaged.
  • Today, I got a news alert that Margot Kidder died so I texted my brother Ryan and said, “Wasn’t it a Margot Kidder autobiography that you were holding in one of the Evil Bastard scenes?” and Ryan said, “Oh wow, I usually have a good memory for that kinda stuff but I have no idea lol. I forgot about the Evil Bastard videos” and I AM SO OFFENDED. NO SCRATCH THAT, I’M BETRAYED. “The Many Ways To Kill An Evil Bastard” was like, my crowning cinematic achievement in high school and Ryan was the main lead!  Um, let’s just say it’s a good thing YouTube wasn’t around in the 90s or my 11th grade English teacher would have been even more mad about that scene in my group’s Longfellow video presentation where I spoofed her getting thrown off her horse, which is a real thing that happened, she was thrown from a horse, and in one scene of our video, I wrapped bloody gauze around my head and knee, borrowed crutches from a friend, and hobbled down the hallway moaning about how all I wanted to do was read some Longfellow but then I got thrown off my horse instead AND SHE WAS SO MAD ABOUT IT!? Everyone in the class was all “hahahaha” and she was all “F F F F F F.”
    • See also: this is how I learned that I can’t walk with crutches.

And we’ll end with this quote that I jotted down in here last week because I didn’t want to forget and planned on elaborating, but now I can’t remember what Henry and I were talking about because all I can remember from the past several weeks is the sound of my feet hitting the floor.

“I’ll put an ad in the paper. ‘Must —‘”

“Be Korean?!” I interjected.

“‘–pay your own way‘,” Henry finished with a frown.

I think I wanted to go somewhere and he said he didn’t want to go? I mean, that could be anywhere, literally.

Mar 162018

I officially have less than a week to get through before vacation and it’s been dra-hahahahaha-gging. I’ve been doing very little lately in order to conserve energy and money for our trip, but here is a round-up of pictures and mediocre points of interest.

  • Drew and Penelope’s condo has a big addition now and HENRY ACTUALLY HELPED! Here’s what happened: Chooch brought up this large box from the basement and I suggested that he connect it to the main part of their estate with a large circle opening (not shown, this is just a small window that Drew’s peeking out of). Well, this turned into A Thing because Chooch was all, “MY PROTRACTOR ISN’T THAT BIG” and we were like “WHAT TO DO WHAT TO DO” so Henry sighed his “goddammit” sigh, disappeared into the basement and re-emerged with an actual power saw-thing!! Henry put on his construction-pants and helped make the Cat Estate Great Again, we couldn’t believe our eyes! Anyway, after he made a same-sized opening in both boxes (which, had I done it, they would have been way different circumferences and probably not even near each other), and then decided that he was sick of Chooch using all of his duct tape so he went to Lowe’s and got these plastic things to hold the boxes together! So now only part of their house looks like a hobo built it!

  • Remember how my neighbor got arrested last week? WELL GUESS WHAT. I was on my lunch break walk on Wednesday, getting ready to cross the street by the Westin, when WHO WALKED PAST ME BUT TED!!!! I was on the phone with Henry and started saying, “OMGOMGOMG” in a very huminahumina-type of way. We made eye contact and then he kept walking so I was like, “DOES HE HONESTLY RECOGNIZE ME AFTER ALL OF THOSE FRIENDLY NEIGHBOR-WAVES WE SHARED?!” but I think he was purposely avoiding me. He was walking into town with papers in his hand, so Henry said maybe he was going to meet his lawyer? He apparently posted bail and has a hearing next week, but he hasn’t been back home as far as we know since everything happened last week. His car hasn’t moved, however!! The broad was back yesterday. Henry said she was very quiet over there, although Chooch said he heard her going up and down the steps. She came and left twice so our assumption is that she was getting her stuff? She better leave and never come back, that snitch!

  • I had dinner with Barb at Amel’s the other night and it was awesome as usual! I miss seeing her and talking to her everyday — I can’t believe it’s been three years since she left the law firm! Anyway, my favorite part of the night was when she was showing me her Pinterest full of potential hairstyles and we spent a good minute looking at this one she had pinned which was so wild! It was a really cool fauxhawk in an unnatural silver/platinum color. “Yeah, I really like it a lot too,” Barb said, half-convinced that this was going to be her Hairstyle of Tomorrow, before slowly realizing that she wasn’t showing me the right pins. She eventually found the right ones, which were all great too, but now I’m sad that Barb isn’t getting a metallic silver lady fauxhawk. :(
    • Runner-up moment: when we fell down the Salem rabbit hole and talked about Days of Our Lives for 20 minutes.

  • For at least a year, Chooch has been hounding Henry for a neck pillow because he’s a geriatric pre-teen. (“I can’t walk any farther because my hip hurts,” is an actually complaint he gives from time to time.) We went to Target last weekend and he FINALLY got his damn neck pillow which came with a bonus sleep mask. Also, it’s from Love, Taza which made me laugh because she’s such an obnoxious blogger with like 79 separate forums on GOMI (Barb, before you ask, that stands for “Get Off My Internet”). Chooch walks around the house with it around his shoulders. He’s such a diva.

  • I made the bed the other day and it was such a big Suzy Homemaker accomplishment for me that I took a picture because I knew it wouldn’t last long since we live like college kids. And then I started to laugh because NOTHING IN OUR HOUSE MATCHES. I like it that way, but I can only imagine the anxiety it would cause for other people. Our pillow cases not only don’t match the comforters, but they don’t match each other either, lol. Can you guess which one is Henry’s? NOT THE BANANAS. Henry lays his precious head down on pretty hearts and skulls.

  • Chooch and I have been desperately trying to get Henry to power-up to a cooler wardrobe…OK but not even so much “cool” as “less lame and logo-oriented.” Almost all of his shirts are from work so he’s a walking beverage advert. We wanted him to at least just get better-fitting jeans and some normal shirts to take to Korea but he’s like, “I WILL WEAR WHAT I WANT” so basically he’s going to be an American ahjussi, which is fine. You do you, Hank. But then I started cracking up imagining him starting a new “middle-age beverage warehouse manager” fashion trend in Korea. All the young kids out there wearing dad jeans, dirty white New Balances, and Faygo t-shirts. Oh, what a sight!

There was a bird out there mocking them.

  • I think Penelope’s lip got cut in one of her battles with Drew. They don’t like, HATE EACH OTHER, but they definitely don’t go out of their way to hang out together, either. And I think Drew gets mad because in her head, she’s the alpha but Penelope never backs down and if she’s even a little bit afraid of Drew, she certainly doesn’t show it!

  • We went to the nearly-closed down mall last week so I could get new shoes (it was a fail – I bought a pair of furry Pumas from their juniors line and didn’t realize until I had already trekked through most of downtown in the them on Monday that they’re TOO BIG, a pair of fucking KIDS SHOES. I was flopping around like a clown out there!). Anyway, I took this picture of the main entrance area of the mall because it’s so goddamn sad and you would honestly think it’s abandoned just from this view. They have a small Easter area set up and I was like, “CHOOCH LET’S GET YOUR PICTURE TAK—–OMG IS THE EASTER BUNNY SLEEPING IN THE CHAIR?!” but Chooch snapped, “That’s a STUFFED ANIMAL.” Sorry, my eyes are not great! Also, anything’s possible at Century III Mall and a passed-out Easter bunny seems pretty apropos.

  • My favorite thing to do with Drew is play hide and seek. She gets so concerned when she suddenly can’t find! Usually, I’m just holding a pillow in front of my face or crouching down behind a dining room chair. She’ll start meowing loudly until she finds me, and then we’ll just stare at each and she cries louder. It’s so weird and fun. For someone who is so worried that I vanished, she never fucking cuddles with me!!

  • Lori sent me a link from Time Magazine about how G-Dragon is getting so many emails sent to him at his military base that it shut down the servers. I forwarded it along to some of my other co-workers because I like it when I get the chance to show them that G-Dragon is so famous that THERE ARE SOME AMERICAN OUTLETS that recognize his fame. Amber replied, “How many emails did you send him, Erin!??!” A valid question! But even though I had the info, I swear to god I didn’t send any! I really wanted to, though.
    • We talk a good bit about the mandatory military enlistments at work, and I showed some of my co-workers the above (and adorable) photo of GD with his new military peeps, and that’s when we realized that I too was dressed like I was enlisting in the military which had me cracking up because it was 100% unintentional! I don’t take many full-body mirror pics, but this was an exception!

On that note, let’s end with a BIGBANG. Since 4/5 of them are now enlisted in the military, I’ve been taking comfort in all of the live performances they have on YouTube. What did we do before YouTube, you guys!? Between that and Roku, I barely ever turn on the regular TV. (Although I did fall asleep to CNN Tuesday night thanks to that fucking Special Election in Western PA that I couldn’t vote in because it wasn’t my dumb district, whatever that means.) Right, so…here’s a video of one of their live performances from 2015. A quick explanation: it starts out with “Crayon,” a G-Dragon solo song, but instead of GD, the other members of BIGBANG come out one by one and sing it before G-Dragon finally appears for the beginning of “Fantastic Baby.” This entire performance makes me so happy! You should watch it.

I know, it seems crazy that I went from listening to screamo and post-hardcore almost exclusively, but the charisma of BIGBANG is really hard to ignore. Even with all of those other bands that I have loved for years, I never really knew any of the members, but with BIGBANG (and a lot of kpop groups), there are five very distinct personalities there and the more you learn about each one, the harder it is to have a favorite (although it will always be G-Dragon for me!). Their performances are nutso and even though they might be going silent for the next two years, they will still be the fucking kings of kpop. Legends.

Mar 022018

Fransssss, it was another low-key, chill weekend and I’m not mad about it. Shit’s gonna be nuts here in a few weeks so I might as well get all the relaxing in now! So here are some pictures and the bare minimum amount of words to describe the final weekend of the emotional roller coaster known as February. I’m so glad to say farewell to it. I’m also throwing in some other crap in this post to consolidate my memories.

  • Chooch and I went for a walk after I was done working my late shift on Friday, so I guess that’s the first thing that happened last weekend? I took this picture of Jo’s Salon on the walk. I LIVE DANGEROUSLY. Remember when I used to invite strangers into my house right off the street? Pales in comparison to my current reckless ways of life.
  • Saturday was good! I went to Patty’s and we watched “Don’t Look in the Basement” (I nervously found myself relating to every character) and “Hobo With a Shotgun” which was scary because I could completely see this being our country’s future thanks to Trump and the unsavories that have been crawling out of the gutter since his inauguration. It made me really uncomfortable to watch (so clearly it succeeded in its mission!) and then there was a scene where Disco Inferno was playing so that was in my head all week. THANKS PATTY! Oh, Patty also served me Kool-Aid and it was the first time in fucking years that I’ve had Kool-Aid so that was awesome! Now I want to have a horror-movie watching dates with Patty more often. It’s hard to find people to watch horror movies with anymore!
    • LOL, but then later that night, I conned Henry into watching The Wailing with me so it was a good horror movie day. Horror movies are literally the only movies I ever give a shit about watching and I’m so sad that The Hollywood Theater down the street has a new owner because they were so good about showing really great indie horror movies and I could walk there at my convenience and not deal with douchebags on dates.
    • I dunno why I said that. There are douchebags all over, on dates or alone. THIS COUNTRY IS FULL OF THEM.

  • Fucking around with my dumb hair before work one day. This is the size frames I’ve been searching for!  Brett Somers-style goal for life.
  • Chooch and I struggled to get through the last 3 episodes of The Walking Dead in order to be caught up for the mid-season premiere on Sunday and then I realized we couldn’t watch it then anyway because the Olympics closing ceremonies were on and of course I had to grudgingly watch the American broadcast dork it all up. Annnnd they did! Come on guys, two weeks wasn’t enough time to teach yourselves how to pronounce PyeongChang? I read Korean news sites and one of them had an article about that very topic during the first week of the Olympics. Like, it’s your fucking job as a journalist/reporter/commentator to KNOW HOW TO PRONOUNCE SHIT. CL was great, but I actually thought that EXO’s performance was a little bit lacking, only because I have seen them do sooo much more. But my favorite part was seeing someone I know in real life tweeting shit like, “I have no idea what they’re saying” – wow,  so superior. English is #1, right? Speak English or GTFO, right? Ah, Trump’s America. I mean, they were singing in Korean because they’re a Korean pop group and they were performing at the Olympics which were being held….IN KOREA. I just felt so disgusted that I actually know someone in real life who is that ignorant. Girl, bye.
  • But back to The Walking Dead – I’m so glad we got all caught up and pulled back in just for them to RIP OUR FUCKING HEARTS OUT. Ugh…no spoilers, don’t worry, but speaking of spoilers I have no idea how either of us managed to make it this far without hearing or reading a single thing about how the midseason finale ended.

  • Drew’s expression constantly. It’s always like she’s experiencing something for the first time and OMG WHAT IS BEHIND THIS DOOR THAT I WALKED THROUGH A BILLION TIMES BEFORE?!
  • The other day at work, Lauren got up from her desk and immediately tripped over a plastic bag and I started laughing really hard because people tripping is hilarious and she was like, “I WAS COMING OVER TO SEE YOU, TOO!” and that just made it even better because I was indirectly responsible for the bag-tripping.
  • Last night, I dreamt that I was hanging out with my friend Casandra at a pool and I was startled at first because she didn’t have arms or boobs but then I thought to myself, “Wait Erin, you know that she got a double arm amputation and mastectomy for political reasons, duh” and also her friend was with us but she only had ONE arm amputated because I guess she wasn’t as much of a political protester as Casandra. But yeah, then it wasn’t weird anymore.
    • Speaking of dreaming about friends with interestingly-modified appearances, I also dreamt last week that Lauren (the bag-tripper) came into work wearing these HUGE Louis Vuitton-print eyebrow stickers. I mean they were so fucking big and took up most of her forehead but no one thought it looked weird except for me, I guess. I bet they cost like $300 too.
  • Here’s a series called Take Your Cat to School Day (WOW THIS BLOG POST IS A FUCKING SMORGASBORD OF TOPICS):

  • I was watching some vlog about how blood donation centers in Seoul give people medals after a certain number of donations and first I was like, “Nope not even for a medal” because I can’t even barely THINK about donating blood without feeling woozy (like literally my wrists feel 진짜 sensitive right now, ugh) but then there are people like Amber who I swear are donating every time I turn around. So I started thinking about Amer walking around Seoul with a bunch of medals dripping of her neck, Olympian Mr. T-style. I told her about that today and Glenn mumbled, “Isn’t it fascinating how her mind works.” Oh whatever, Glenn will miss these random observations when I get my desk moved later this month!
  • Speaking of Glenn, I ran into some religious zealot handing out Jesus pamphlets near my building, so I giddily flashed it at everyone when I came back inside and sing-songed, “I’ve been saved again, you guys!” This made me remember that the last time I was saved, I filled out the back page with Glenn’s address and mailed it back  to the fly-by-night “church” after looking up his address on our department emergency contact page, despite Todd and Amber muttering stuff about how they didn’t think I should be doing that. Anyway, I forgot allll about it so I asked him the other day, very innocently, if he ever received anything “weird”  in the mail and he was like, “What, why…” and as I started to tell him, he stopped and said, “Yeah, actually, you know, what? I DID get something weird in the mail, more than once, and it was HAND-WRITTEN.” Haha yesssss.

Well, I can’t sit still for any longer so this is all you get. Well, this and J-Hope’s new MV. He’s my BTS bias and his new mixtape makes me love him even more!

Feb 252018

Last week was long, weird, and sad. It was also the anniversary of my Pappap’s death and I just didn’t want to deal with anything. But, life goes on and it’s time to close the book on that chapter! So here’s some notable things of the last several days, kind of notable, sort of notable, who cares — here’re some words.

  • Henry and Chooch went to the store Tuesday night and when they came back, I noticed that they were stopped on the sidewalk by Hot Naybor Chris. I was watching from the window, because I’m That Neighbor, almost peeing my pants with anticipation. WHAT WERE THEY TALKING ABOUT?! I accosted Henry before he was even all the way over the threshold (YOU KNOW, THOSE THINGS THAT BRIDES ARE CARRIED OVER, NOT LIKE I WOULD KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THAT). In a very casual way, Henry shrugged and said, “I don’t know, he was asking me if I’ve seen his garbage.” RECORD SCRATCH. HOLD UP WAIT A MINUTE. I had to press Henry for more information and apparently, Chris said when he left the house that morning, the garbagemen hadn’t picked up yet, so everyone’s garbage was still sitting on their lawns….EXCEPT FOR HNC’S!!! He was asking Henry if he saw it because Henry leaves for work at like 3:30AM, but Henry doesn’t normally make a point to see if everyone’s garbage is accounted for. I know, weird. This whole situation made me super excited. WHO STOLE HNC’S GARBAGE AND WHY!? According to HNC, his garbage was nothing special, just actual garbage. Mystery on Pioneer!
  • I finally made business cards for my new Kpop card shop and I love them! I gave some to some of my co-workers (not Glenn because he would just ridicule it) and I was happy that people were interested! Amber even asked me to tell her who all the people are on it and then she wrote their names above them. And then I gave one each to Nate and Ethan and we had a spirited conversation about Kpop and they’re considering dressing as Kpop idols for Halloween this year. (But, you know, probably not.)

  • I was off work on Wednesday, for no good reason but I’m trying to actually use my days before the “end of the year PTO crunch” where I’m rushed to take off random days so I don’t lose them. I usually don’t like taking a day off if I don’t have something to do, but I’m trying to get used to it. I expected to have a quiet day of kdramas, exercise, perhaps some card-designing, but then later that morning, the sirens started. I was unfazed at first because: Brookline. But then it kept going on for a solid 10 minutes and no matter which window I poked my head out of, Wack-A-Mole style, I couldn’t tell which direction the commotion was coming from.  There were so many firetrucks, etc, that it was surround sound. I called Henry at work because he’s the Prince of Police Scanners, but he was all, “I’M BUSY, ERIN. I’M AT WORK.” The cacophony eventually began to fizzle out, so  finished getting dressed and then set off on my walk to to Dormont post office because I refuse to deal with MAUREEN at the one closer to me. Suck it, ahjummah. As I was walking down my street, a firetruck came barrelling past me, kicking up all kind of dust and debris into my face. My eyes were screaming for a bit, and I talked myself out of writing a letter to the mayor by reminding myself that the firetruck was en route to probably put out an actual fire, so I SHOULD LET IT GO. God, this whole “training to play the part of a rational adult” is really grating my nerves.  I turned left onto West Liberty Ave and after a block of walking, MORE firetrucks roared by, these ones were from Mt. Lebanon. “Oh my, I wonder what’s going on,” some old broad said right as I was passing her on the sidewalk, so I slowed my roll and we talked for a bit about how we hoped it wasn’t a tragedy, and then I looked over my shoulder just in time to see the firetrucks TURN ONTO THE STREET THAT BLAKE LIVES ON. I called Henry ASAP and started screaming at him to call Blake. His half-assed response was that Blake was at work and OK. So I went to the post office and stopped to grab an iced latte at Dunkin’ Dunuts, but I just wasn’t satisfied with Henry’s lame response, so I walked down Blake’s street AND HELLO, THERE WERE EMERGENCY VEHICLES PARKED ALL ALONG THE BLOCK WHERE BLAKE AND HALEY’S BUILDING IS!? Part of the street was even blocked off! So I was like, “FUCK YOU HENRY I’M GOING IN!” and I knocked urgently on Blake’s door. Haley answered it and wasn’t covered in burning cinders, so that was a good sign. She said she and Calvin were fine, but apparently a house at the bottom of their hill was on fire, but she hadn’t seen any smoke. I mean, there were so many fire trucks from all over, it was apocalyptic. Even the NEWS CREW was there, so that’s how you know it was a big deal. So, that was about 457945798425 extra words to say that there was a fire near Blake and Haley but they are OK. You’re welcome for the reading exercise.
    • Also, thank god they live literally 1 minute from my house and I can POP IN WHENEVER I WANT.
      • Just kidding. I’m one mass shooting away from agoraphobia so I rarely pop in on anyone and please don’t pop in on me, either.
      • I wish we could go back to less scary times, like when everyone thought there were staples in Thin Mints. :(
  • After the passing of Jonghyun last December, this Seoul-based ring company re-released these commemorative rings that they made after Jonghyun’s first solo win on Music Core (a weekly music countdown show). There’s a soundwave of his voice engraved on the ring, from when he said, “Thank you, SHINee. Thank SHINees’ parents for giving lives to us. I love you, SHINee World.” I had to buy one, and it feels like I’m carrying a piece of him with me. I never take it off my finger.

  • In other Kpop news, GOT7 announced the dates for their world tour and Chooch and I desperately want to see them in Toronto this July but Henry hasn’t been convinced yet, and if we do this, then we probably definitely can’t do KCON in June, ugh I hate not having all of the money!

  • Here’s a picture of Drew and me, but don’t get it twisted: she’s only near me because her container of treats is right there. Ugh.
  • I finally upgraded phones. I had one of those beat iPhones with the degenerate batteries. I would leave my house with a 100% charge, walk 10 minutes to the trolley without even taking it out of my pocket, and it would be at 50%. Then, if I had the audacity to actually text or read the news on the 25 minute ride to work, my phone would be dead by the time I got downtown. Especially on really cold days! Henry thought I was making it up until all the articles came out awhile back, exposing Apple. Rather than go through the hassle of getting a replacement battery, I just upgraded to an 8 a few months early. THIS MEANT I GOT TO GET A NEW PHONE CASE AND YOU KNOW HOW SERIOUSLY I TAKE MY PHONE CASES! So I retired my obnoxious “eye-rolling forever” case (which is totally apropos because I can’t tell you how many times I get yelled at for rolling my eyes, esp. at work) for another obnoxious phone case:

  • Upgrading my phone meant that Chooch got my sloppy seconds. He knew that my phone was being delivered on Tuesday, so when he woke up that morning, the first thing he said was, “I GET A NEW PHONE TODAY!” New to him, I guess. He doesn’t have an actual plan, but he likes to use my old, garbage iPhones for game-playing purposes.
    • Late that night, I got a phone call from someone in Etna, PA. I didn’t answer because it was almost midnight and I figured it was probably a wrong number because friends don’t call friends anymore, like ew. But then I got a text that said, “Hey. Is this Erin?” and then I started panicking for clearly someone must have died if I’m getting phone calls and texts at midnight. I went upstairs and woke up Henry and as I started telling him this, Chooch called out from his room, “That was just me!” because he always gets those free phone numbers on my old phones and I should have fucking known this!!!
    • Friday night, he was still setting up his phone and I asked, “Do you have Janna’s number in there yet?” He didn’t so I gave it to him. “I’m going to text her and tell her to play Roblox,” he laughed, because she gets so annoyed when he hounds her about that. “WAIT!” I cried. “You should prank her first.” And that is how we spent an hour of our Friday night, sending Janna creepy texts, texting her her address, sending her the man silhouette emoji, etc etc. Then Chooch called her and breathed heavily and we were peeing our pants because I’m in 6th grade too and pranking people is my motherfucking wheelhouse, man. Then Janna sent me this!!!!

And it’s so funny because that was probably ME who was laughing at the end! I led her on for awhile, and when she mentioned that the call came from Etna, I said, “Maybe it’s the Scarehouse!” because that’s a haunted house in Etna, lol. Anyway, once she told me she blocked the number, I said, “That was a mistake.” And she was all, “?” So I sent her a video of Chooch cracking up and Janna said, “Goddammit.” I can’t believe she didn’t immediately accuse me?! “I mean, I’ve been doing this shit to her since like 1994,” I said to Henry. “Yeah, and now your spawn is doing it,” he said and I think I mistook his tone for pride when really it was disappointment.

  • My house was really missing something and then finally I realized it was ice cream cone garland. One of my IG friends commented on this picture and said she wants to be like me when she grows up and I said the secret is to just not ever grow up. And that’s how you can get away with living in a colorful dump decorated with party supplies.

  • I will end this with a picture of beautiful Kwon Jiyong at his last fan event in Jeju Island before he enlists in the military this week. But guess what?? I just read that he’s going into the same division or whatever as the actor who played Lawyer Noh on Love In Trouble (Suspicious Partner)!
Feb 012018

Here are some things that I’m currently super into, aside from photobombing 75% of my own pictures with my dumb hand.

  1. Trying to poison my work friends

I bought these “brown sugar flavor” rice crackers at the Asian market last weekend because that box is cute AF. I tried to tempt Lori with one, but she was all, “EW THESE ARE OUT OF DATE!” and I was like, “Oh shit, you’re right” and then I blamed Henry because he’s the one who usually checks for that shit at the store. I was going to throw them away but Glenn was like, “DON’T THROW THEM AWAY. THEY’RE FINE” and Lauren was like, “maybe just put a disclaimer on  them like you did with the [red bean White Rabbits].” I was going to do that but I forgot and then people started taking them on their own and by that point I felt like I was in too deep in my web of lies, so I just LET IT HAPPEN. No one has died yet. I did tell Lloyd that they were out of date and he said, “Well in that case, I’m taking two.” So then it turned into this weird carnival of people who wanted to eat the expired rice crackers, like it was a dare or something. And Glenn even admitted that he liked them. Not that they were “ok” or “not bad,” but that he genuinely liked them! It was still really funny though when Lori pointed out because I got all defensive and yelled, “NOVEMBER WAS NOT THAT LONG AGO!” and “I mean, it’s not like it’s MILK!” Oh, Asian snacks. You make the workplace so much fun!

P.S. Don’t let those bars of chocolate on the box fool you — there is no chocolate in these rice crackers.

2. Etude House Dear Darling Tint

So I kept putting this off and putting this off, but then I got an Amazon gift card from work for Christmas so I decided to finally buy some of this lip gloss I’d been wanting to try for awhile. It came from Korea so of course it took for-fucking-ever and I only just got it yesterday. Worth it. It’s so light and has a subtle grape taste! I love it and am going to buy so many more when I’m there next month. Here I am wearing it. I do not know how to model lipgloss.

3. Sharing old diaries and blog posts with Chooch

I was cleaning out my closet (LOL not really but sort of) and found my very first DIARY, which I have probably already shared on here before but it fucking cracks me up every time I read it (there are only three pages so it’s not like I have to carve out much time for that) because I am still basically eight years old. I let Chooch read it and he was obsessed and then was like, “THAT’S IT!? WHY DIDN’T YOU WRITE MORE?!” Now that he’s older, I’m having fun showing him some of my blog posts about him too, like this one I stumbled upon the other day from when he was sick in 2011. And then he’s all, “OMG was I really like that?” and then we get to have a real bonding moment all because I plastered his entire childhood all over the Internet.

4. Turning Henry into a fan boy

For Christmas, Henry got me a gift certificate for Choice Music (it’s all kpop). In a highly unusual and selfless move, I bought him something as well — the above standing Jimin doll so that we can be matching because I have the G-Dragon set. Jimin if you remember is the BTS bias I chose for Henry and he gets really flustered about it probably because it’s true. I couldn’t wait to show him this little gift, but when I gave it to him, he was like, “Are you fucking serious” and I was like, “You have to take it to work and keep Jimin on your desk!” but he said, “NO.” Ugh! Of course Chooch was like, “i’ll have it” though. Also, I should note that I only bought this because I was almost to my gift certificate limit and was trying to find something cheap.

I’ll tell you what though, Henry is totally a K-Drama whore though. I think Park Bo Young is his drama bias. I can’t start anything new without him appearing out of nowhere and asking, “WHICH ONE ARE YOU WATCHING NOW.” Sigh.

Just kidding it’s awesome and I love it.

5. Slangin’ my greeting cards!

You guys this has been the Valentine season we’ve ever had, to the point where we almost can’t keep up with sales. We keep our inventory low because it’s time-consuming to print and assemble the cards only to have them sit on a shelf for a year because no one buys it – even when we’ve analyzed our sales and determined what are heavy-hitters are, printing those in advance is a sure-fire to jinx sales. What this means is that most of our cards are made to order — it’s just more price-efficient for us that way. But those little sets that I made this year have been a hot commodity! So I think that once V-Day is over, we will try to slowly build up some inventory for those at least. I have been loving this though – these cards are my babies, and it just makes me so happy that there are people out there who like them, and a lot of them are repeat customers too!

This has also been keeping me busy and distracted so that I’m not flipping out or succumbing to depression or having a fit about the wind blowing the wrong way — you just don’t know with me. I’ve been pretty difficult to be around lately. Anyway, what this means is that my brain has just wanted to create create create so I’m also working on a Golden Girls line of Valentines! I’ll do a full post on those this weekend, but I’m pretty excited about them.

6. My K-Kountdown Kalendar!

After some of my coworkers found out about my upcoming trip, they started to question if there was going to be a countdown calendar like the one Lori made me for the G-Dragon concert. When my SHINee Season’s Greeting set came a few weeks ago, I realized that the poster-sized monthly calendars could be perfect for this cause. February 1st seemed like a good time to start, so I brought in the February (Onew!) and March (Jonghyun, RIP) posters, taped them up  to the side of my cubical wall thing, and then made an airplane.

Chris is really blessed that his office door is right in front of this so he gets to see these beautiful faces every time he emerges.

LOL my dumb face. Amber was like, “Aren’t you going to put Henry and Chooch on it too” and I was like THIS IS NOT ABOUT THEM THIS IS ABOUT ME, a la 1988 Diary-Writing Erin.

The only downside to this is that there are some people here who didn’t previously know about this so the calendar unlocked Pandora’s Box and people had questions. Which is great but I have been trying to not be super-annoying about this for the sake of those who sit near me, but it’s hard for me to not be like, “OMG OMG OMG” especially when people are asking me about it! I had hoped to get through the whole day without hearing this, but eventually there was that one HILARIOUS “hopefully it’s still by then” comment. It’s whatever though. Traveling anywhere is a risk. Walking out the front door is a risk.

7. Poet/Artist

My Jonghyun preorder arrived today. I am obsessed with this album, especially the song “Take the Dive.” It’s so bittersweet that he didn’t stay with us long enough to enjoy the success of this release because it really feels like a masterpiece. :(

OK well, I had leftover kimchi bokkeumbap for dinner and now I need to put my head down or go for a walk, I haven’t decided which.

Jan 262018

  • I’m working my late shift from home today, which means that I had all morning to do “errand”-y things but mostly I just exercised and watched Heirs. I did, however, have to walk to the post office because we had a bunch of cards that needed scanned in. Even though we print the shipping labels straight from Etsy, Henry and I try to physically take them to the post office to have someone scan them in because sometimes this doesn’t happen and then wow, what a waste of a tracking number, when it never updates from “label printed.” Anyway, fucking Maureen was working today and she is goddamn miserable. I have dealt with her hundreds of times, and even talked to her at length once about the terrible experience she had as an Etsy user (“I bought a picture and the seller’s measurements were off by a half-inch!!!!!”), but today suddenly she decided that she could not scan these in for me because they didn’t meet the proper criteria for First Class shipping and I was like, “Are you kidding, because I have been doing this for 8 years and literally no postal clerk has ever said anything…” and she countered with, “Some clerks just don’t know the regulations but I have been here for 30 years…” and she was so mean to me about it, which was ridiculous because the post office had literally just opened so her day should not have been that shitty yet for her to treat customers so poorly (she straight up yelled at the old lady in front of me who was buying $40 worth of stamps “just to have, just in case.”). Fuck you, Maureen. Maybe it’s time to HANG IT UP. So then I walked to the other post office in Dormont where Jan happily scanned in my envelopes for me THANK YOU JAN. And again, FUCK YOU, MAUREEN
    • Then I walked to Muddy Cup where the psychic hand-toucher under-charged me for a Bleeding Heart iced latte and we bonded over The Verve’s Bittersweet Symphony. I told her that it always reminds me of the day I went to get the key to my first apartment in 1997. It was raining hard that day in December, and I stopped at Music Oasis in South Park afterward to buy The Verve’s CD. THERE, NOW YOU AND THE COFFEE GIRL KNOW THE SAME FUN FACT ABOUT ME.
  • Henry said he couldn’t find Chooch the other day when I was still at work, and then found him sitting in a chair in the corner of his dark room (you can’t see back there unless you walk all the way into his room because it’s a little nook), with his eyes closed and Nirvana playing on his Alexa. He told Henry he was “just relaxing.” Why does that weirdo crack me up so easily!? Side bar: they’re learning about Nirvana in his music class at school which I think is just fucking wonderful, and also funny because when I was his age, Nirvana was definitely one of those bands that teachers “didn’t understand” and parents didn’t want their kids to listen to. That scary fucking Seattle grunge, and all.

  • My SHINee Season’s Greetings finally arrived the other day! Most of the kpop groups offer these really awesome calendar/planner sets each year. BIG BANG didn’t do one, but when I saw that SHINee had one, I knew I had to have it because Taemin is everything. And then the passing of Jonghyun happened, so this is even more special now, and also excruciating to see all of these beautiful pictures of his friendly face. Is it weird to still feel such a mourning sensation in my heart and gut? Because I do, and it’s there, and I’m not sure when it will be leaving, especially since his last album was just released posthumously this week and it’s stunning. A true work of art. He did so well, and now I’m choking on my stupid tears all  over again.
    • The song “Take the Dive” especially gets me so upset but it’s so good that I have been listening it to so much all week  because: torture.
    • Anyway, each month has its own book/planner thingie and I already started using mine as a mini-diary. Yesterday’s entry said,
      TODAY IS DUMB AND MY HAIR IS DUMB TOO. Is it still a diary if I just told you?

  • Some of you OHE readers have been around long enough to know that I used to have a pen pal on deathrow. His name is Greg and I started writing to him in 2002 or 2003. Anyway, somewhere around the time I started working at the law firm, I got lazy/busy/sidetracked and even though he was still sending me thoughtful birthday and Christmas cards, I was a terrible pen pal and never responded. Eventually, Greg stopped sending me letters and I would occasionally think about sending him a card or something but then I would get distracted and it would go back on one of 87 backburners. Ugh, I need to be more organized. Anyway, a few weeks ago, I received an email out of the blue from the woman he is now engaged to! She found my contact info online and it was so nice to receive a friendly email with updates from my old penpal. I asked her to remind me of Greg’s address, and this time I actually did send a card. I got a return letter from him this week and I was so happy! NOW CHOOCH ISN’T THE ONLY ONE WITH A PENPAL.
  • My current weight loss motivation is to be able to shop at the “one-size” clothing stores when I’m in Seoul and newsflash to me, this probably AIN’T HAPPENIN’ in under two months. I’m currently a size 6 in most brands and a size 8 in others, which is considered PLUS-SIZED in South Korea so congrats to me for being the future fatty American tourist. Maybe if I just stick with tops?! UGH.

  • I never see any of these people in Dormont?
  • Chooch just took a “where in the world should you live” BuzzFeed quiz and his result was Italy but the photo they used was THE SAME PICTURE USED FOR THE PUZZLE WE WERE DOING RECENTLY! YOU KNOW, THE DREADED PUZZLE THAT WOULD NOT LEAVE OUR DINING ROOM TABLE EXCEPT FOR THE 283704 TIMES A DAY THE CATS KNOCKED PARTS OF IT OFF!??!

Well guys, I’m off. Hope everyone has a splendid weekend!

Jan 212018

Dear friends, it is a Sunday and I am in the mood to hear the keys on my laptop tap (I pretend that it’s morse code) so you know what that means: a worthless bulletpoint post!

  • There has been speculation over the last few years that Pittsburgh might have a serial killer. I am definitely on the believing side of this and I’m PRETTY SURE I saw him during my lunch break walk the other day. He was standing on a corner, waiting to cross the street, this tall yet crooked older man, in his fifties with greasy black hair and a bald spot, wearing dirty black coveralls. HIS FACE WAS SO STRANGE I KNOW IT WAS HIM. I was on the phone with Henry and immediately described him. “Wow,” Henry said. “I’m so excited to be dating a CIA profiler.” Then I told Lori at work and she was definitely not convinced. “Aren’t serial killers supposed to just look like regular people though?” she countered and I was like SHUT UP LORI IT WAS DEFINITELY HIM UGH.
  • The coffee shop in Brookline has changed owners AGAIN. Now it’s called 802 Bean or something dumb (it’s just the address of Brookline Blvd, I hate when restaurants and cafes do that, like how generic and uninspired. Name it after your fucking grandma or something at least). Anyway, Chooch and I walked there on our day off last Monday and the broad running the place was nice enough but we miss the Lebanese man and his dog Max, and also the college girl who sometimes worked there and always asked me how Chooch was doing if I ever wandered in without him because all anyone in this damn town cares about is HOW CHOOCH IS DOING because he’s so fucking famous ugh. Anyway, Chooch said his hot chocolate was just OK and my chai latte was weak as fuck so as much as I love supporting our local businesses, I think I’ll just be patronizing Muddy Cup in Dormont from now on.
    • On our walk home, we were talking about why the other guy gave up Cafe Noir when we walked past his house (he lives right up the road from us) and Chooch pointed out in distress that the PLAYHOUSE THEY HAD IN THEIR YARD IS GONE OMG THEY MOVED NOOOOOOO. Chooch started crying because he loved their dog, Max. We told Henry and he was just like, “Oh.”
  • Henry generally picks me up from work (it’s the least he can do since he forces me to take the damn trolley every day!!!) and I allow him to park several blocks away from my building because it’s more convenient for him and also because I like to walk. In order to get to the car, I have to walk through Market Square. On Friday, some younger guy came out of Winghart’s (some fancy burger place that I don’t care about) right as I was about to walk past, so I ended up behind him. In front of Primanti’s, he slowed his pace and asked what appeared to be no one in particular, “Aren’t there any bars around here?” I looked around and I was the only one close enough that he could have been talking to, so I shrugged and went with it. I told him that there were, but that most of them were bar/restaurants and not just like, you know, dive bars. He asked me if I worked down there and there I was, naively answering his questions because I had an OK day at work and was not in my typical foul evening mood. He had fallen into place with me by this point and now we were walking together, which wasn’t uncomfortable at all (IT WAS), and he just kept asking me more and more questions and I was dumbly answering them because I either am super stand-offish or a goddamn motor mouth, you never know what you’re going to get with me. By this point, I could see our car and Henry was watching this whole thing play out from the driver’s side window. And then, as expected, the guy asked me if I wanted to get a drink with him and I was like, “NOPE THAT’S MY RIDE RIGHT THERE BYE NOW” and literally ran like Phoebe to the car. Henry loved every second that he witnessed. I was just happy that this guy was young, at least 10 years younger than me, and not the usual vagabond I attract while carousing around the streets of Pittsburgh. I mean, this guy at least looked like he had a job, but I’m not sure I believed him when he told me he was an “investor.” I haven’t been asked out since that one time two years ago when I was waiting to cross the street and some bum asked me for fifty cents and then wanted to know if I was single.
  • I have been listening to so much Taemin lately that it’s amazing I haven’t spontaneously conceived.
  • I grew tired of not being able to watch my Korean shows without Henry and Chooch, so I started some new ones without them and now Henry is all OOOH WHAT ARE THESE SHOWS WHO IS THAT WHAT ARE THEY TALKING ABOUT WHO IS THAT PERSON NOW and I’m just like WHYYYYYYY.
  • Chooch and my friend Lizz’s daughter have become pen pals and it’s the cutest thing! They both like Got7 so they write to each other about that. Chooch got his first letter from her the other day and was like, “Yeah it’s really cool and she sent me stickers, but she hardly wrote anything.” He showed me the letter, which had like three lines and then her signature. I flipped it over and said, “Um, did you even read the front?” Because THERE WAS AN ENTIRE FRONT TO THE LETTER but my genius kid started reading from the wrong side and then never considered turning the page over. #booksmart
  • I had to go to the post office yesterday morning to mail some cards (ETSY SHOP PLUG) and I realized pretty quickly that I didn’t have my wallet which is less of a wallet and more of a Pusheen ID holder that I shove all of my stuff into. I started to panic because I didn’t want to wait until Monday to see if I left it at work and I didn’t want to go through the hassle of canceling all of my cards, and then I started to have flashbacks of that guy who was walking with me after work on Friday and began to wonder if him feigning interest was all just a ruse to PICKPOCKET ME OMG I AM SO DUMBZ0RZ. But then Henry drove me down to work (I couldn’t take the T because my stupid ConnectCard is also in my wallet and I didn’t want to drive down myself because of parking and and and AISHHHHH what to do!!!) Henry dropped me off at my building and I expected to walk in and talk to the weekend  security guard immediately except that two guys from a vending company got there before me and were trying to make a delivery, but the frazzled security guy, who was also in the middle of a phone call, couldn’t find them on the schedule and was trying desperately to get them to go away but they were like, “That’s because we were supposed to be yesterday but couldn’t make it so please just let us in to make this delivery” and the whole thing screamed SCOOBY DOO EPISODE to me, like they were smuggling in haunted mummy parts in those supposed potato chip boxes, but the security guard was all, “No can do” so the leader of the fake vending delivery guys declared that he would make a phone call and be back, so those two stepped off to the side and the security guard started to go back to his phone call, but then saw me standing there, and I quickly cried about needing to find my wallet and could someone escort me to the 10th floor since I didn’t have my badge, so he held up a finger and into a walkie-talkie he calmly said, “Tyrone, please come down to the security desk” and I was like OMG WHAT IS TYRONE GOING TO DO TO ME” and then the security guy went back to his phone call, which evidently was with the police and he was giving some kind of report of an altercation he had broken up. After a minute or so, he thanked whoever was on the other end for their time, just as Tyrone had arrived. The guard called me back over to the desk to have me sign in while he was flipping through a binder of After Hour Procedures for my company. “What did you say your name was again?” he asked, and I noticed that he was looking for me in the employee listing. Things were starting to get tense as he couldn’t find my name and he tried to make me feel better by saying that maybe the list just hadn’t been updated.  I said, “Well, I’ve been working here for 8 years, so….” when I realized that he was looking in the E’s. “Um, maybe could you try looking in the K’s for Kelly?” I gently suggested, at which point he found my name and then it slowly occurred to him what he was doing wrong and he slapped himself on the forehead. Dude was having a bad Saturday morning at the law firm security desk, for sure. So then Tyrone escorted me to the 10th floor and made it very clear that he was in no mood for cordial small talk. He buzzed me in and asked if I needed anything else. “Do you need to stay and wait for me?” I asked, assuming that he did since I AM A SUSPICIOUS COULD-BE CRIMINAL. “I mean, no, because you work here, unless you need me to get you into any other areas?” he asked. I said I didn’t so he was all PEACE and left me alone to raid all the candy bowls. J/K, I just ran over to my desk, thankfully found my Pusheen wallet, and left. It took literally 10 seconds. When I got back down to the lobby to sign out, I cheerfully waved my wallet at Tyrone and the main guard, who were both just like, “Yay.” And that’s my lost wallet story.
  • Chooch is watching some dumb Disney show that he likes and I hate having English shit on in the background, what has happened to me.
  • This morning as we were waking up, Henry said, “Oh! I remember why I wanted to go to Pat Catan’s yesterday. I wanted to enter the $1000 sewing giveaway they’re having!” That’s my little Henry Homemaker. It’s now hours later and Henry went to Pat Catan’s like he had planned. I asked him if he entered the giveaway and he said, “Oh shit, I forgot.” Oh for God’s sake.
  • Chooch was sequestered in his room for a while yesterday and when he came out, he had all of these origami weapons, including paper Freddy Kreuger claws for every finger. Later on, he drew his paper gun at me and I actually flinched. He also made a paper knife with a red cardstock hilt and Henry was like, “DO NOT TAKE THIS TO SCHOOL I SWEAR TO GOD IF I CALL THAT YOU GOT DETENTION…” and that just made Chooch’s ego swell because clearly that means Henry thinks his dumb paper arsenal looks “real” enough to get him in trouble at school.
  • We had another Family Kpop Dance Workout Night last night! I think we’ve managed to make it an entire 4 weeks in a row without Henry making up some lame excuse, which leads me to believe that he must really like this. I like to put on the routines that are extra-specially stripper-y because watching him try to do bodyrolls with his trucker physique is amazing.
  • I made my first sale the other day in my new Kpop card shop and I was so excited about it at work and everyone just gave me patronizing smiles. Whatever.
  • Chooch has been writing disparaging things about Penelope on his whiteboard and I’m getting so mad! The other day he wrote “Penelope (dumb fuck). Drew (lawyer)” ugh. Penelope is not a dumb fuck!! She just…can’t jump very well.
  • Hey speaking of Chooch getting a penpal, I was contacted a few weeks ago by the fiancee of my old death row penpal that I lost touch with (totally my fault!). It was really cool to hear from her and she gave me Greg’s address so I could reconnect with him. I sent him a congratulations card last week and apologized for being a shitty penpal. We had been corresponding since like 2003 or so! So maybe now Chooch and I will both have penpals!
  • Ugh Chooch is driving me crazy with his weird paper weapons!! Every time I turn around, he is all up in my face with some dumb paper pistol and I just threatened to start a fire in a garbage can and throw his weaponry in it.

Well, I need to go annoy my family with my high-maintenance demands. Hope everyone is having a fantastic weekend!

Jan 082018

Here’s a quickie.

  • Chooch the Entrepreneur has been theatrically shoveling sidewalks in order to lure the residents out with cash in their hands. Hot Naybor Chris gave him tips on how to really get down to the sidewalk and the Italian guy a few houses down GAVE HIM $20. TWENTY FUCKING BUCKS to shovel a sidewalk that’s only like 20 feet. A DOLLAR A FOOT?! Jesus Christ this kid is a swindler. He was out there again tonight and made another $8. He doesn’t even ask for it. They just come out of their houses with it. Ugh. I want to make money too!! I’m going to buy a snowblower.

  • I finally finished the Goblin series (it’s a Korean drama from 2016-2017) and I am emotionally desiccated. I purposely dragged it out because I didn’t want it to end / dreaded how much I was going to cry when it did end. I tried to tell Henry how it ended but I got too choked up. To sum it up real quick without spoilers: there’s a Goblin, a reaper (he’s my favorite), a girl who can see ghosts, a chicken shop owner who is IMO the prettiest girl in South Korea, and the soundtrack is SO BEAUTIFUL. I will never be able to listen to any of these songs without sobbing uncontrollably though.

  • hey speaking of “finally doing something,” we finally put our Halloween cornstalks out with the trash tonight. Yeah they’ve been tied to the pillars of our front porch since late September, WHAT OF IT??!! #thathouse
  • I really want to start roller skating regularly again but there’s only one local rink left and I dislike the people who run it. WHAT TO DO. And then I had a flash-forward to me rollerskating, falling, breaking my leg, and not being able to KpopX for MONTHS.
  • For the first time in 9 years, Henry mixed up a card order. I found out today when someone contacted me on Etsy to say that they ordered a BTS birthday card for their daughter but received one that said “I don’t know if I want to date you or put your head on a stick.” YEP Henry sent a fucking serial killer card to a lady who ordered an innocent KPOP card. Awesome. I refunded her money but wanted to just give her ALL MY MONEY IM SO SORRY LADY. :(
    • I made a separate shop for my KPOP cards (Hello Hanguk!) but I haven’t had a chance to sit down and make a banner and all that jazzy stuff just yet so they have to rub elbows with the serial killers over at noncompos for just a bit longer. Sigh.

  • Drew’s new thing is jumping and perching on Chooch. They have a strange relationship.
  • I didn’t watch the Golden Globes.
  • I bought this chrysanthemum tea stuff at the Asian market even though Henry barked, “YOURE NOT GOING TO LIKE THAT!” and then when he saw the price, it was all, “YOU BETTER DRINK EVERY LAST PACKET!!!” (It was only $8 but he has a blue collar wallet). Anyway, it wasn’t tea per se, but “honey-coated chrysanthemum crystals” — literally packets full of small gold balls that dissolve in water and is already WAY SWEETENED. So yeah, it was great! Granted, I didn’t mix it well enough so by the time I got to the end of it, it tasted like I was drinking out of a flower pot. I made Glenn try one and he monotoned, “It’s not bad. All I taste is the honey. Would be good iced, too, maybe.” WHAT A GREAT REVIEW! He should do this professionally on YouTube. I gave one to Lauren too. She didn’t try it yet but said she’ll be sure to have her epi pen ready.
  • Hey speaking of work, our little group used to pass out this giant thumb award to the person who did something good that week, but now that Amber’s our supervisor, she decided that the thumb is ready to be retired and replaced it with A BOB ROSS CHIA PET! I was privy to this ahead of time because I’m awesome and people come to me for team-builiding advice (LOL) but I liked Amber’s chia pet suggestion so much that I didn’t even bother contributing my own ideas. CHIA PET. Anyway, she debuted it in today’s meeting and I quickly said, “Well, I think I should get it first because, um, I talked about this stuff or whatever” and half-heartedly pointed at the email I talked about for like 3 minutes while roughly snatching the chia pet from the middle of the table. FIRST!
  • I have to go back to the dentist tomorrow for round 2 of my deep cleaning, god help me. (Actually, it’s totally worth it because I am fucking obsessed with my gums and thought that I had gum disease and was going to lose all of my teeth. The hygienist assured me that my gums will be fine after a deep cleaning and my teeth aren’t falling out.)
  • The other night, I was angry so I rage-cut my hair. My hair was getting pretty long so you can’t really tell, but I just grabbed chunks of it and started cutting. The sound of scissor blades crunching on dry hair is sooooo pleasing to me. I might need to start cutting other people’s hair though because at the rate my temper has been flaring lately, I might be looking like GI Jane. I have issues, but at least I’m upfront about them…?!!?

That’s all I got for now. I was originally going to have a non compos cards Valentine commercial but Henry’s card blunder RUINED THAT for now and I can’t look at my cards so maybe tomorrow we’ll see.

Dec 282017

Here are some things I don’t want to forget in the midst of holiday madness.

  • There was a stand-off several houses up from ours a few weeks ago. I thought it was just some lame excuse that Henry made up so that he wouldn’t have to pick me up from work, saying that our car was blocked by several police cars and that the road was closed. “There are police walking around on our street with guns drawn,” he texted and I was like, “How many?” “A lot,” followed by pictures of the SWAT team suiting up in the parking lot across from our house so I was a believer at that point. Eventually, Henry said they were putting some old, frail man in handcuffs into the back of a police car, while a lady and kid were talking to other officers in the parking lot. When Henry described which house it was, I realized that it was the same one that just a week before had a bunch of fire trucks and ambulances in front of it when Chooch and I went on our nightly walk. On the way back, we saw the ambulance leaving with someone in the back. I wonder if this was related!? Henry said he heard the cops say “negotiate” into the bullhorn. At first my mind immediately went to “domestic issue” but now I’m wondering if it was a suicide attempt?! Of course it wasn’t on the news so it probably didn’t involve drugs, I guess.
    • My gut-reaction was to rant about how we have to move ASAP, but then it made me think about how it doesn’t matter how nice or how shitty your neighborhood is, this stuff happens everywhere. There was just a really bad stand-off a few years ago a street away from where Janna lives, in the same SUPER NICE, WHITE PICKET FENCE area I grew up in as well, plus we went to high school with way too many people who have since OD’d or been straight-up murdered over drugs.
  • The other day when I was at work, Chooch started rapid-fire messaging me about Got7, because he apparently imprinted on them somehow even after seeing their videos/hearing their songs a millions times from me — I guess this was something that just needed to happen on his own terms, organically, but he is suddenly shook by Got7 and I’m ok with this because we need other fandoms in this house. (I’m a VIP and Henry is totally a Blackjack.)

  • On one of our walks the other day, Chooch said “sick” for the fortieth time and I snapped out and yelled, “Ugh stop saying that it’s so annoying!” I don’t know why it was bothering me, I guess I’m just getting old? Anyway, it reminded me of a time from when I was friends with Christina (RIP best friendship of my whole life that was also the biggest disaster, aren’t they all) and she would say “my bad” constantly (probably because she was always fucking up around me!!). I just lost it this one time and yelled, “I HATE WHEN YOU SAY THAT! IT’S SO DUMB!” when it never bothered me anytime someone would say it. I made her start saying “personal error” instead and then eventually let her shorten it to “per err.” I guess Chooch was actually paying attention when I told him this story on our walk (usually he just kicks rocks and waits impatiently for me to wrap it up so he can start talking about math equations or corgis) because now he says “personal error” hahaha.
  • There is a stink bug flying around my house as I type this and I’m the only person in the world who is not bothered by these creatures. In fact, I try to save them.
  • Now I’m at work.
  • My friend Courtney  made me these cutie Golden Girl magnets! One can never have enough Golden Girls memorabilia around the house, I always say.
  • Chooch and I started watching “I’m Not a Robot” to combat our sadness. It’s a good show but I’m mostly excited that it was Chooch’s idea to start watching a new Korean drama, when he has, up until now, been pretty uninterested in that part of the whole Hallyu wave. (Trying to get that kid to watch Running Man with us is like trying to get him to take medicine.)

  • Speaking of “me n’ Chooch,” here we are unintentionally matching a few weeks ago. This picture sucks because Henry took it.
    • Also, shout out to the random wig on the floor underneath the stool.
  • Me: “I should wish my Mexican taco cart boyfriend a….merry Mexican Christmas” Henry: “Feliz Navidad.” Me: “That’s what I said.” (Honestly though, things are really heating up with my Mexican taco cart boyfriend. I tried to wave to him the one night we were walking past but  my hand got stuck in my coat pocket and I tugged it out with so much force that I almost punched myself in the face. I WONDER IF HE WOULD HAVE CONSOLED ME IF THAT HAPPENED?)
  • I was at the post office in the next town over last week, which is my favorite post office because it has that old small-town charm about it and everyone knows the sleepy postal workers. On this particular day, the older man in front of me got a phone call and his fucking ringtone was HELLO MOTO. Holy shit did that take me back. I mean, not all the way to back to Mayberry times, but definitely to the early 00s which seem like another lifetime ago. Then I started thinking about how I avoided getting a cell phone until the winter of 2006 because I hated the idea of people being able to reach me anywhere, but then I was about to have a baby and decided that maybe it would be nice to have a cell phone in case I went into labor in the bathroom of the Cathedral of Learning or whatever. #PregnantInCollege
  • I was about to write some things about the Jonghyun aqua moon phenomenon but when I went to get the link, I re-read the thing and then started to cry at my desk, so you can just read the thing for yourself I guess. I’m having a hard time with this one.
  • When he doesn’t even trust you to microwave noodles:

  • I took a half day yesterday and was really looking forward to that all morning, almost like it was an early dismissal from school. I don’t know why I was so excited, because it’s not like I had anything planned. HOWEVER, I had to take the T home and for some reason, it took over 30 minutes for the one I needed to come and I thought maybe I was just overreacting in my mind, but the lady next to me was like, “WTF WHERE ARE ALL OF THE RED LINES THREE OF THEM SHOULD HAVE COME AND GONE BY NOW WHAT IS HAPPENING TO THEM WHEN THEY GET TO THE NORTH SHORE?!” and I was like, “Wow, my level of anger is finally appropriate for the situation!” so then I raged along with the lady and then we had a cathartic chuckle when a red line trolley finally rolled up, only for there to be some kind of “situation” on the track later on, which caused us to have to sit in a stationary trolley for 40 MINUTES IT TOOK ME SO LONG TO GET HOME WHEN IT SHOULD HAVE ONLY TAKEN A HALF HOUR TOPS I WAS SO MAD AND I TOOK IT OUT ON HENRY WHEN HE CAME HOME LATER UGH.
  • When we took Chooch to apply for his passport, he was fixated on the fact that they “only come in blue” and that he couldn’t choose a different color. So I got him this corgi passport cover for Christmas, which is also Union Jack themed – he’s a total anglophile and if he had his way, his first stamp would be from England. TOO BAD SONNY BOY, IT’S GONNA BE FROM S. KOREA, DEAL WITH IT.
  • For our Korean dinner party on Saturday, Henry and I have been making kpop teacups and banchan bowls out of glassware we bought at Goodwill. It’s been a lot of fun (except for when Henry fucks one up and I’m forced to whip him) and I’m pretty obsessed with it now, especially after the BIGBANG dessert tray we made today came out looking like a fucking heirloom. I’ll post all the pictures once we have them all done!
  • I had a flashback on Christmas to this time when I was in second grade and my aunt Sharon took me to the computer store in Pleasant Hills because she said her goddaughter Nicky, this ginger girl who was the same age as me and I lowkey hated her because I thought Sharon liked her more than me (I know, that doesn’t sound like me at all!), was getting a computer for Christmas and Sharon wanted me to pick out some games for her. Since I didn’t like Nicky, I went straight for MATHBLASTERS because I personally thought it sounded like a terrible game because I hated math. Well guys guess what? Turns out I was the one getting a computer (an Apple II GS!) and Sharon was using the Nicky slant as a guise to help her gauge which games she should get me. UGH, FOILED. I hated that ficking game so much. I was awful at it! But I loved that computer, though. And the printer that came with the green and white lined paper that had to be perfectly lined up with the holes in the printer or else it wouldn’t feed through properly and the whole thing would just shit the bed.
    • I still hate printers so fucking much.
    • And math.

Um, I think that’s all I have to say for now.

Dec 122017

Bulletpoints for any chingu of mine who’s into that shit. (That originally said “whose” because I AM SO SMRTZ.)

  • Secret Santa started today! I’m not really into Christmas this year but I did sign up for Secret Santa because it’s good old-fashioned office fun and we could definitely used that shit up in here always. I already mentioned that I’m happy with who I got and I put a lot of thought in my choices. So today, I got in and there was nothing on my desk. That’s OK! Some people work different shifts so this happens. I got up, made some coffee, talked to Carrie for a bit, and came back to my desk. “Aw, there’s still nothing here!” I cried to Glenn like a baby, but then I noticed a red gift bag on the floor next to my desk! I was so excited! I started tearing out tufts of tissue paper and unearthed a Kenneth Cole toiletry bag. I thought it was weird that it was a standard camel-colored leather and not like, flamingo pink or gold glittered, which is my style, but I loved it nevertheless! I opened it and tore out the compacted wads of stuffing while regaling Glenn with a tale from my golden youth. Here I’ll tell you:
    • My grandma had this friend, JEAN ARSONEUX, who once gave me a white purse when I was around 5 years old, and when I opened it, it was chockablock of small toys and things like Bonne Bell lipgloss and what was that kids’ nail polish called that peeled off? That stuff, too. So then I just assumed that all purses came stuffed with things but SADLY this has not happened to me again. The end.
  • Back to Secret Santa. I was showing Glenn my new bag and said, “YOU KNOW WHAT I’M GOING TO DO WITH THIS? TAKE IT TO KOREA WITH ME AND FILL IT WITH KOREAN BEAUTY PRODUCTS!” and then Glenn said something about hoping I get stopped by TSA and that reminded me of ANOTHER story from when I was 11….
    • ….and got food poisoning in Rome, Italy and my aunt Sharon went down to the hotel restaurant to get me rolls and other starchy things for breakfast so I wouldn’t puke. I mean, this was the last day of vacation but it still went down in history as the Time Erin Ruined Vacation which would make family members ask, “Wait, but which time though?” Anyway, we left Italy the next day to go home and Sharon got whisked off into some holding cell/interrogation room because SHE FORGOT TO TAKE THE BUTTER KNIFE OUT OF HER PURSE from the hotel and it turned into a whole terrorist thing and my pappap was so pissed and Sharon was crying and I was cracking up and frantically scribbling all of this down in my travel journal and my grandma was all, “OH HONESTLY SHARON AND ERIN!!!” Spoiler: Sharon got to come home with us.
  • Seriously, back to Secret Santa for real this time. A few minutes later, [REDACTED UNTIL SECRET SANTA IS OVER] came over and was all, “Can you put that bag on [REDACTED UNTIL SECRET SANTA IS OVER]’s desk for me?” And I was like, “So this isn’t mine?” And [REDACTED] was all, “No, sorry, I thought you were in the kitchen and went in there to tell you, but you weren’t there” and I was like, “No because I was over here OPENING A PRESENT THAT WASN’T MINE!” So then we had to take the tissue out of my garbage can and restuff the toiletry bag that isn’t mine.

  • I accidentally took a puzzle piece to work with me the other day and I thought Chooch was going to jump out a window. There have been no puzzle updates since the last.
  • Today is our dept holiday food party thing apparently. I had fruit and then a piece of some kind of raspberry bread thing and didn’t even go to the other food tables because I know I have some sort of eating disorder where I’m not anorexic or bulimic but the thought of eating food and gaining weight terrifies me. I mean believe me I still eat like a pig, but it’s mostly all homemade Korean food that Henry makes me which is 50% vegetables, 25% gochujang, and 25% kimchi. Add this to my growing list of issues. :/
    • I eventually went back and made a small plate because I felt guilty for not eating.

  • Speaking of Korean food, we’re going to have bottles of BIGBANG tea for all the lucky guests. And then everyone can keep theirs forever as a souvenir and stick flowers in them like I do at work. (OK I only did that once when Henry sent me flowers to embarrass me and also to apologize for exacerbating my bi-polarism.)
  • This is some linguistic nerd stuff but there is this part of Taemin’s Press Your Number that I always thought was “Girl there’s something about your body body body” because it’s not unusual for Kpop to have some English sprinkled in there. But then I happen to glance at the captions during one of his live performances of that song, and I noticed that it wasn’t “body,” but “바래” which means “hope” according to Google translate which I have learned is not always accurate. I was confused because I thought that the ㄹ sound was something more of an r/l so why was this word pronounced in a way that sounded like “body”?! Then I started thinking about Arirang radio, a Korean radio station I listen to, and how that’s also pronounced with a slight “d” sound (“Ari-dong”) so I was FREAKING OUT and UTTERLY CONFUSED. “Maybe I should ask Talk To Me In Korean to explain it,” I said to Henry before I went to bed last night, after trying to explain this to him. I didn’t do that, because you know how shit like that goes — I got distracted by some Soompi alert or something, I’m sure. BUT YOU GUYS. When I woke up this morning, I looked at my phone and saw THIS – HOW DID THEY KNOW!?!?:

  • Anyway, I watched the video and now I’m even more confused because my tongue is incapable of making all of these intricate sounds I AM SUCH A BARBARIC AMERICAN UGHHH.

  • My top two Instagram posts above were actually videos – that G-Dragon one was viewed like 50,000 times. And the other one is Twice at KCON! I love that the two most-viewed/liked things for me in IG were both Kpop-related because that for sure defined my year and when things got rocky elsewhere in life, at least I had that to fall back on like a warm fucking made-in-Korea blanket.
  • Oh wow, how shocking, another day, another comment from Glenn about a Kpop guy being a “pretty little girl.” Such open-mindedness around here!

  • GUYS LOOK WHAT CAME! MY SECRET SANTA PRESENT! I love it. And this is way more my color-scheme than the brown toiletry bag I thought was mine for 5 minutes. “Good, now you’ll stop whining,” Glenn said and I was like, “Yeah but now you guys have to listen to me be excited and thrilled over my adorable beverage vessels.” And also, I wasn’t whining! I even said that worst case scenario, I would probably just have TWO things to unwrap tomorrow, because I am not an ungrateful brat (just to Henry…and Janna too a little).
    • Lauren just came over and said “What cute vessels!” and I had to pull this up and show her that’s exactly what I called them on my blog! What a strange wavelength.
  • Speaking of Janna! She got a new job right next to my building so now we can like go to lunch or yoga (not yoga) together like real working ladies do.

  • Just sitting here at work sick to my stomach thinking about what’s going in these Alabama elections. Fuck Roy Moore forever.
  • Oh shit one night last week someone with a headlamp knocked on our door so I screamed & ran upstairs because I thought it was a coal miner but it ended up just being a Verizon guy and Henry was all “I can’t talk about your great deal right now, but please come back” & HE DID COME BACK after Henry left for the “store” so then he was out there knocking & I wouldn’t answer because I’m not entirely convinced he wasn’t a coal miner.

  • I was craving soondubu jjigae so Henry was all, “ALRIGHT, I HEAR YOU” and took me to Nak Won Garden for lunch on Saturday and I felt whole again. The playlist they had on was amaze, like being at home – Ailee, IU, Sistar, BTS…in fact, a Korean couple came in and sat down at the table next to us, and in Korean, the girl said, “It’s Bangtan Sondonyeon” to the guy and I was like, “YES – I UNDERSTOOD WHAT SHE SAID.” When the owner brought out the banchan (side dishes), I immediately snatched the kimchi and slid it closer to me and Henry was sad. Henry ordered tonkatsu but did not eat it as handsomely as Taemin.
    • But oh lord, that jjigae was exactly what I had been lusting after and it burnt my tongue in ways I would never usually allow.
    • Mamamoo was playing as we left. Great playlist, Nak Won! It put me in such a great mood for the rest day even though part of the day involved shopping which I hate.
  • But speaking of Saturday, that evening, we moved the furniture out of the living room and had FAMILY KPOPX NIGHT which was the second time this has happened and it is so much fun (for me)! I made an hour-long playlist on YouTube of various k-dance workouts and then we dove right in. Except for Henry, who kind of just hung in the back, flopping around. But at least he didn’t stop moving! I’m trying to get them to do this with me at least once a week but there’s been a bit of push-back.
  • The one thing that has stuck, at least, is that Chooch goes on walks with me everyday. I take at least three walks a day because I’m insane and it helps me calm down when I start to feel like I’m losing control. And Chooch tags along because we always have good conversations BUT THINGS WENT AWRY ON OUR SUNDAY NIGHT WALK. I don’t remember how it happened, but it was in front of the teen outreach center thing where Chooch started to get an attitude with me over cheese sandwiches and I was like WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE, I ATE WHAT MY MOM MADE ME FOR LUNCH YOU’RE SUCH AN ENTITLED JERK and he denied that he was that, so I started walking faster than him because that’s how I act when I’m mad – like a scorned teenager! On our way back home, I yelled, “I CAN’T WAIT UNTIL I’M ON MY DEATH BED SO I CAN REMIND YOU OF ALL THE TIMES YOU BROKE MY HEART!” and then he was like, “WHAT IF I DON’T EVEN SHOW UP?!” and then we both started laughing and everything was OK.

  • Drew knocked the candy cane out of Trudy’s hands yesterday morning and she is so lucky she’s Chooch’s cat because her ass would have been out in the street j/k I love cats and can’t stay mad ever.
  • It’s cold out today and snowing so Glenn was barely outside on his break. When I was getting ready to go out for mine (I try to spend my lunch hour walking around town no matter what the weather is like) I asked Glenn how long he was out for. He said about 10 minutes so I was like, “OK, then I’ll try for 12 so I can beat you.” I went outside and called Henry who was like, “Why are you outside, fool?? It’s cold!” and I told him I had to outlast Glenn. He was like, “Wow” and then I talked to him for 25 minutes about everything I hate today before yelling, “OMG I JUST FELL IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET!” and then my phone died because the cold air kills it every time, and I didn’t get a chance to tell Henry that I didn’t actually fall, I just ALMOST fell. Now he’s probably pacing, wondering if I’m dead in the middle of whatever road that is that’s a pretty popular road because it’s downtown but I don’t know road names. Oh well, I guess he’ll find out if he ever reads this blog post. (He won’t.)
  • In case you were wondering if Smokey Robinson is still alive, he is. I know this because Henry and I had a mild argument about it over the weekend and I won.
  • On our walk Friday night, Chooch blurted out, “I’m so glad you’re not a Pinterest Mom.” Same, Chooch. Same. Also, that was a nicer walk than Sunday’s.
  • Oh shit, did I tell you that I finally got half of deep-cleaning done at the dentist last week, and I’m not, in fact, losing my teeth? I know this because I asked the hygienist and she was like, “NO! Why do you keep asking that, calm down.”

  • Oh you guys, my phone just turned back on and look at the texts from Henry, HE ACTUALLY CARES.
  • One day last week, I was in Rock n’ Joe’s for a chai latte. I don’t normally go there because it just doesn’t really do it for me, BUT two of the nearby Crazy Mochas were fucking packed with people like really, at 2:30pm? Come the fuck on! I almost never have to wait in line for coffee/chai. So Rock n’ Joe’s it was. As I was waiting for my chai, “Sex & Candy” came on and I was like, “*BARRAGE OF MARCY MEMORIES*” But then the barista started singing it in front of me and I just lost all control of my filter and blurted out, “MY CAT WAS NAMED AFTER THIS BAND & I’M ABOUT TO CRY” because I’m either cripplingly introverted or flinging out unfiltered facts willy-nilly, no in between “Aw…well, um, that wasn’t our intention,” the barista said, like I was going to sue them or something. As I walking out, I heard one of the other baristas ask her what all that was about and she was like, “CRAZY CAT LADY ALERT” I don’t know, I couldn’t hear. I mean, at least I didn’t show her my tattoo but that’s mostly because I was wearing a coat.
  • I was going to tell another lunch break story but then remembered LUNCH BREAK TALES so maybe I should just wait until I have more tales to tell and then we’ll do that.

OK, I’m over 2,000 words and none of this is great.

Nov 172017

Hello. It’s Friday and I am better but still not 100% which is entirely all my fault because I have admittedly still been exercising every single day since I’ve been sick. I KNOW, I’M A DUMMY, Henry tells me this constantly. But I have a sickness (I mean, in addition to my current respiratory sickness). I got to work from home today at least because it’s Light Up Night in Pittsburgh which means downtown is an absolute clusterfuck of people who never come into the city and act like it’s their first time walking down a sidewalk and one time there was a shooting, so….Speaking of, here are some bullet points!

  • My little baby! My honey bunny! My lamby wamby! (Ok I’ll stop but props if you know that movie. No one did on Instagram.) But you guys, look at my pretty son. I wish I was even a third as photogenic as him. I’m also amazed that his hair stayed up until the picture was taken because bro is notorious for smashing it down as soon as he’s out of my eyesight.
    • Funny story about these pictures is that they went missing immediately after Chooch brought them home and I was like, “Did you look under the couch?” and Henry said “YES OF COURSE I DID THAT WAS THE FIRST PLACE I LOOKED YOU DUMBASS” and then accused me of “probably” “accidentally” throwing them away with the circulars because he’s forever-bitter that I throw that shit away before he can look at it but hello, I hate that he just leaves them scattered all over the dining room table for like months on end, like hello, those sales are OVER now, boyfriend. So Henry put gloves on and tore through all the garbage bags because I’m sick, remember (no seriously even if I was well, I wouldn’t do that). No pictures in the trash. So then a few days later, I was like, “LOOK UNDER THE COUCH AGAIN, I DON’T BELIEVE YOU” and so he lifted the couch while I was laying on the floor and sure enough there they were. SERVES YOU RIGHT, HENRY.
      • I mean, I guess he had a valid point about the garbage though because I’ve accidentally thrown out two wallets.
    • Also re: my pretty son, he talks about college pretty much every time we take our nightly walk (my favorite pasttime right now, btw) and tonight he casually mused, “What job should I have while I’m in college? Uber driver, probably.”
      • Speaking of our nightly walks, on our walk two nights ago, a Corgi puppy bit him and he was crying, not because it hurt but because it was “a dream come true.” (Full disclosure, the owner warned him that puppy was teething and nippy, but he didn’t care, and it wasn’t like A Scene or anything.)
    • In other Chooch is crying news, he got kicked out of the library the other day and this is the second time a librarian made him cry and I shouldn’t laugh because it’s not funny…..but, is it tho?

  • I have been subsisting on Korean soups and porridge all week, thank god for Henry. He made a wonderful 호박 죽 (pumpkin porridge) over the weekend and I wanted to just bathe in it.
  • BTS has been in the US all week, doing various late night show appearances leading up to their performance at the AMAs on Sunday, and I have been so excited! They did a mini-concert on Jimmy Kimmel (it’s supposed to air on the 29th) but this video was on Youtube and I was dying because I could totally see this happening to Henry and I would BE SPITTING MAD.

  • Chooch and I were watching some girl’s vlog where she was in the Hongdae district of Seoul, and she said, “People come here with no fashion, and leave with style” and we started choking to death on our laughter, imagining Henry leaving with any sort of style. “Maybe at most he’d leave with an expensive plain gray t-shirt,” I said, and then we started hiccuping through the laughs.

  • Um…help yourself.

  • Penelope loves Taemin so much that she lays near the TV to be close to him. 
  • My flowers have finally died at work and are so much more style now. When I took this picture, I couldn’t stop laughing because it looks like that fake finger is a big dick, so I posted it on Instagram and my work-friend Colleen said her little boy was scrolling through her feed and was all MOMMY WHAT IS THAT and as such, an interesting conversation was had.
    • Speaking of flowers, I forgot about the whole season change thing and now 80% of my plants are dead. My kid is still alive though, in spite of his staunch refusal to wear a fucking coat.
  • Jonny Craig’s pathetic bullshit band got dropped from their record label today because the industry IS FINALLY STARTING TO HEAR WHAT HIS EX-GIRLFRIENDS ARE SAYING ABOUT HIS GROSS DOMESTIC ABUSE AND LITERAL RAPE AT KNIFE POINT. Fuck this piece of garbage, fuck him so much, and fuck all of his blind minion fans who are constantly defending him and victim-blaming and saying that his exes just want their fifteen minutes of fame, and if that were the case, maybe they’d be out dating an actual fucking celebrity then and not some lowlife hasbeen. Perhaps I will write something more about this later but I am just too angry right now. More needs to happen. He needs actual legal consequences.
    • Also? Quit saying shit like, “That was years ago, get over it” because let me tell you motherfuckers something (not you guys, those other motherfuckers out there who hate women), I was in an abuse relationship when I was in high school, 20 years ago, and that SHIT STICKS WITH YOU. I still have occasional dreams of him coming after me, telling me he’s going to poke out my eyeballs and jam them up my vagina (an actual threat he gave me as we fought in the middle of the street I lived on and I was crying so hard and begging him not be mad at me BECAUSE HE HAD ME PSYCHOLOGICALLY TRAINED TO THINK EVERYTHING WAS MY FAULT OMG I CANNOT WRITE ABOUT THIS RIGHT NOW I JUST CAN’T. I AM SO FUCKING MAD.
  • Phew! That took a turn, didn’t it? Here’s something light: I had animal crackers and hot chocolate for lunch two days in a row this week because I’m living my best life (of a 4-year-old).

Well, on that note. I’m going to go and….probably exercise even though I still can’t stop coughing because THIS IS WHO I AM.


Nov 112017

There’s nothing I love better than taking some cold meds and blogging! Let’s get bullet-y.

  • One day two weeks ago, back when I wasn’t sick, I had brunch at Shiloh Grill with Wendy, Summer, And Amber1! It was really nice to see Amber, but also a huge reminder of how different our little work group is without her. I’d also like to note that I was scared of the fruit salad because I thought it had bacon on top, but it turned out it was small slices of candied apples – it was amazing and totally worth the price of the buffet. (OK, maybe the frozen mimosa helped too.)
  • Henry picked me up from work the other day wearing this garish red Faygo hat, but at a glance it looked like a MAGA hat and I was so embarrassed! When we got home, I wouldn’t even cross the street with him. He thought it was great and will probably wear it all the time now that he knows it has built in Erin-deterrent.

  • Taking baby steps with Chooch in an effort to get him to like some, ANY Korean food. He almost likes bibimbap but he won’t mix the gochujang in it which is the best part, but whatever. I’m going to start putting little squirts of it on his tongue while he sleeps until he wakes up one day craving it. That’s normal parenting, right? I wouldn’t know, since I’m apparently a bad parent, according to some sources, lol.
  • Henry and I were fighting on Halloween so I deleted him as a contact since I have no social media left to block him on anymore, and even though we were only fighting for a day (and when I say we, I trust you know how to translate that), I was being stubborn and wouldn’t put him back in my phone. So even five days later, when I would want to send him a picture of something (specifically, a picture of our favorite* CVS employee in the wild), I would have to physically type in his number. So I did that, and then I kept on texting him about the things I was seeing on my walk around Brookline, like the old man who dances on the sidewalk with his portable speaker (on that day, he almost knocked me over in his zeal for Usher’s “Yeah” while wearing a Kenny Chesney shirt). Henry never responded and I was like whatever, he’s probably napping. But then later that night, we were all out together, and I was texting Henry from under the table at some diner, and he wasn’t responding so I was like WHY AREN’T YOU RESPONDING TO MY TEXTS and he was like “You haven’t texted me since yesterday, so….” I looked at my phone and realized that everything from that day had gone to a number that was one digit off from his. He thought this was fantastic and prayed that I would eventually get a response, but I looked up the number and it was a LANDLINE SO THERE.
    • By “favorite” I mean that we’re obsessed with his hit-or-miss attitude. He’s been there for years and one night, we were walking around talking about him and some of the other CVS people we haven’t seen in a while and that’s when you know you have lived in the same place for too long.

  • New shoes! I kept walking past Payless and seeing these cute pink Champions in the window. They were on sale and I would tell myself, “Just go in and buy them” but I am such a lazy shopper and will constantly put things off. Finally, I went in one day and couldn’t find them! I was so mad that I texted, “They don’t have them anymore, good job Henry!!!” because #blamehenry. He even looked on the website at home and said they didn’t even have them online anymore! I started looking in all sizes, just to see for sure, and right next to the smallest womens’ size, I saw them. A girl’s size 6. Wait – is this a womens size six? I asked myself. It looked large though so I tried it on and it was too big! I’m a 7.5 so that couldn’t have been a womens 6. Were these children’s shoes this whole time? I walked to the kids section and pulled down a box of 5s – they fit perfectly so I gave no fucks and bought them. That’s how I found out that I wear a size 5 in little girl shoes. I wore them to work and numerous people were like I LIKE YOUR NEW SHOES and I was like THANKS THEY’RE FOR KIDS! Now that I know I can fit into them, I’m going back to get something glittered.

  • Now that Barb and Gayle are gone from the department, this is what pie looks like after I cut it. :( Glenn said it looked like a crime scene. I had to use my hand at one point to get it all on the plate. I hate myself.
  • My mom texted me last night and asked, “Remember when you would put cinnamon in everything I was cooking?” and no I don’t but that really sounds like something I would do.

  • I had a bouquet of fake black roses on the mantel for years and suddenly Drew discovered them one day and was constantly jumping up there to gnaw on them. I finally just took them down because CATS RUIN EVERYTHING. They’re so fucking cute though. Ugh. The perils of cat-having.

  • Some donut place opened up in Washington, PA called Glazed & Confused. I saw one picture on Instagram and became obsessed with going, so we stopped there last Saturday on our way to the last haunted house of the season (Chooch should be posting his review this weekend once I come up with a price for him, ugh). Honestly, it wasn’t that great. Henry and I split one with just vanilla ice cream and fruity pebz, because if fruity pebz is a topping option I will take it every time. Honestly, the girl who waited on us was annoying and there just really wasn’t anything that original about this place. Turns out it’s probably a chain, too. I mean, it was good but I wouldn’t go running back anytime soon. (If I had to choose between this place and that bigot-run Peace, Love & LIttle Donuts, give me a one-way ticket to Washington.)

  • On the way home from the above-mentioned haunted house, which was in Weston, WV, we stopped at DJ’s Diner, also in West Virginia, and it was, well, it just was. For starters, Chooch and I both ordered a Gardenburger and the waitress was legit shook. “Y’all are the first ones to order that,” she said, bewildered. Meanwhile, some broad was slowly trying to eat her meal while holding a newborn a baby while her “hubby” (ugh hate that word but it seems very WV-ish) gave no fucks about her struggle. And then this family of WVU fans rolled in – two sisters (one was in elementary school, the other was probably 8th or 9th grade which I deduced by the Young Bitch air she had to her), the obese mom, and the 5-packs a day granny. The youngest girl was eating a candy bar she got from granny’s purse, and then granny went up to put some cash in the juke box, filling the diner with predictable country trash. Chooch, whose back was toward them, started bitching about this immediately. “OMG this music sucks! I bet these people voted for Trump!” and I was slowly sliding down in my seat because the older girl had me fixed in her glare, and then Chooch was like, “I NEED TO ASSESS TO THIS MUSIC SITCH” and strode up to the juke box like a man on a mission, with his Warped Tour shirt and City Boi vibes. Oh, those fish out of water feels, always makes the meal taste so much better.
    • The fries were crinkle-cut and at first I was dismayed because I hate crinkle cut, but they ended up being really good and somewhere in there is a heart-warming analogy for race relations or something.

  • My friend Katrina had a baby a few weeks ago and I was so excited for her that I had to paint something for her little sweet Ophelia. Ugh, I love that name!
  • I was so excited when I heard that BTS will be performing “DNA” at the American Music Awards until I stopped to consider that this RACIST AMERICA so I made the mistake of peeking at the comments, just on Twitter, which were full of Asian stereotypes and things like, “So now this is the Korean Awards?” nevermind the fact that the AMAs consistently has Canadian and British artists on it and I’m sure everyone would cheer if that Despacito dude strode out on stage, but OMG ASIANS GO HOME. It makes me sick and I feel so protective of these kpop artists.

  • Henry and Chooch came downtown last Friday during lunchtime so that we could finally apply for Chooch’s passport. He sat in the waiting area, reading Modern Farmer, as you do, and then afterward, when the clerk asked if we had any questions, Chooch raised his hand and asked, “So…are they always blue?” We were all like wtf are you talking about and it turns out he wanted to choose a custom color for his passport but it felt like Pee Wee asking to see the basement of the Alamo and I’m acutely aware of how many times I use that scene to describe moments in my life. But yeah. That was his main concern, which is so Chooch.
  • A lot of my friends have asked me, “Aren’t you guys afraid to travel to South Korea?!” and the answer is “I live in America, home of record-shattering mass shootings, so no” but depending on the day, the other answer is “sometimes.” NOT thinking that way at least for a second is just sheer ignorance. It’s a valid question, and a valid concern. We’re very aware of what’s going on, but instead of just relying on the hyper-sensationalized American media, I read a lot of the S.Korean news sources as well. It was kind of funny, not so much in a “ha ha” way, but I was at a lunch a few weeks ago and there was this lively conversation about all of the exotic locales some of our co-workers have been vacationing to recently, and as soon it was brought up that I’m going to South Korea, it got AWKWARD. Someone monotoned, “Oh. Wow” and another person dryly said, “If it’s still there” and then the conversation was officially killed and all you could hear was forks scraping across plates. It was awesome.
    • But really – what IS safe anymore??
    • Also, I do appreciate that my friends care, though. I know that they just don’t want me to be in any kind of peril and with our current “president,” you just don’t know. Saying that I’m not nervous sometimes would be a big lie.
  • I still feel shitty. I think I will just stay home and watch horror movies all weekend, FIGHT ME. (You’ll win though; I’m so weak and pathetic right now.0
  • Henry and I watched the recent Super Junior episode of Weekly Idol last night and were laughing so hard. What was my life before Korea?!
  • I want to have a casual Xmas party again this year but there are so many projects “we” have to finish around here and I’m panicking because nothing is happening. I need two or three more Henrys.

OK that’s all. I’m going to lay back down, how do I feel worse than I did yesterday this sucks!!!!

Oct 242017

I know it seems like there could be way worse things in life, and maybe you’re right, but I took a week off a work in the beginning of October because I have some PTO I need to use up before I lose it, and I hate taking time off with nothing to do! Most normal people think that’s a dream, this whole staycation phenomenon, but I’m not part of that population. I think I’m too lonely. I need company. Or to be on an actual vacation.

That week made me realize how dependent I am on my work friends to entertain my mindless babbling all day long. I won’t take you for granted anymore, guys!

Anyway, here’s a run-down of what I did on my week off. tl;dr: It was not much after that first day.

  • On Monday (i.e. the Day After the Pie Party), I met Maya and Scott in the Strip for breakfast before they had to head off to the airport. We were going to eat at Deluca’s but there were a million Yinzers standing outside of it, even though it was a weekday. (“It’s Columbus Day, though,” Henry reminded me later, which just made me get all angry and yell FUCK COLUMBUS.) But it was just as well, because we ended up going to this place next to it called Raymond’s. I don’t know if this place is new or what, but I have never heard of it. It was a fucking delight! The had two self-serve water coolers, one had lemon and orange slices in it, which I was stoked about, but Maya was the opposite of stoked because she has a citrus allergy. She stuck with un-citrused water. While Scott & Maya each had gigantic breakfast sandwiches, I pretended like I hadn’t absorbed 8 pounds of sugar at the pie party and had French toast on homemade bread with strawberry compote. The waitress asked me if I wanted whipped cream on it and I was like WHY STOP NOW. Then Scott called Robert Smith FAT BOB. Hnnng!!
    • Oh shit, when I was paying the fare attendant before heading downtown on the trolley that morning, I thought he was giving me a high-five, so I started to go in for it, but TURNS OUT HE WAS JUST STRETCHING I HATE MYSELF. Two days in a row of misread social cues.

  • We walked around a bit after breakfast, in the stupid unseasonal humidity (oh god, it was awful — can’t you tell by my hair?!), until it was time for Maya and Scott to get on the airport bus. I wanted to drive them to the airport but dumb Henry had my car, so good job making our out-of-town guests take a bus to the airport, Henry you rude son of a bitch. Anyway, it sucked saying goodbye to them and I MIGHT have cried a little bit on the trolley ride back home which is really nothing new because I cry on the trolley a lot, but still. I loved hanging out with these fools and can’t wait to see them again!

  • This was my view a lot of the days during my vacation. It was so warm the whole week and I went on 87 walks a day because there was nothing else to do which is false, I could have cleaned, finished any one of the 14 paintings I have strewn about, caught up on my blog…but no, I just walked a lot, KpopX’d, and annoyed the shit out of the cats (and Henry, whom I called constantly to ask, “Are you done working yet? Are you done? When? Now? Are you on your way home?” Ugh, I get so lonely!) I had way too much nervous energy to even kick back and watch a movie. I did practice my Korean, though! Update: it’s still hard as fuck. Chris sent me this article about the world’s hardest languages and it’s number 3 so pray for me.

  • Drew, about to do something stupid.

  • When I wasn’t walking on the high school track or taking my 90th loop around Brookline, I was with my bony peeps at the cem.

  • On Wednesday, my mom stopped over to give me this shirt she bought me specifically because it’s a knock-off of a shirt that G-Dragon wore once. Chooch was like, totally disgusted about this. She bought this over at a good time, because I had just come home from my first appointment with Amber2’s dentist and well, let’s just say that dental office has been indoctrinated into the world of Spazzy Erin. That poor hygienist had no idea what was coming when she called me back and I answered her “How are you?” with a frantic, “I AM FRRRRRRREAKING OUT!” She laughed but I was like, “No really, are my teeth loose? Am I going to lose my teeth? Do I need like, a bridge or something?” And she was just like, “Settle down, you’re not going to lose your teeth!” And then she wanted to talk about her kids’ sleeping habits for some reason, and I was trying desperately to say around her hands, “Yeah, but can we talk about my teeth? AM I GOING TO DIE?!” It was a bad scene. My hands were so clammy. Anyway, the dentist came in and was super casually said she was referring me to an endodontist because she thinks I might need a root canal which is strange because I have no pain?! So I made the mistake of texting Amber a barrage of freak out texts about it, and then she TOLD GLENN who had audio of a dental drill playing when I came back to work the next Monday. UGH.
    • Anyway, I have my root canal consultation today, so god help me.

  • Hey, something that cheered me up was getting this Notorously Morbid Halloween advent box in the mail, as a total surprise. Turns out it was from my friend Kristen! It was a great distraction and I started opening the stuff on the 19th and have loved every single item thus far! Thank you, Kristen! I always wear the same gold eyeshadow so it’s been fun venturing out and trying shades that I wouldn’t normally wear but look awesome! Horizons, broadened. :)

  • One of the nights I was off, I drank wine and watched Weekly Idol. Livin’ large.
  • Another night, Chooch and I went to Hundred Acres Manor (it was yawn-inducing, tbh) and then met up with Chris afterward at Eat n Park, so that was one fun vacation night!
  • On my last weekday off, Janna and I walked to Pamela’s for breakfast and then I went back to the high school track because I panicked about not walking enough after walking all the way to Mt. Lebanon and back, I think I need psychiatric help.

  • That Friday night, we went to a haunted house in Toronto, OH and it turns out ROBERT URICH WAS BORN THERE?! I only found out when I saw that there’s a road named after him. If you knew me in high school, you know how I obsessed I was with him.  I texted Lisa immediately and she was just like, “Oh god, no.” Apparently, this is the only thing Toronto, Ohio has going for it because it sure as shit isn’t Margaret’s Cafe.

  • Possibly the highest moment of my time off was in line for a haunted house when the lineman guy said to someone in the group behind us, “I see you have Ed Gein on your shirt.” Everyone was like, “Huh?” and he kept going on and on about Ed Gein. I was craning my neck, trying to see this supposed shirt. “Yeah, the character on your shirt was based on the serial killer Ed Gein,” he went on, and I was trying to see if the one guy had like, Buffalo Bill or Norman Bates on his shirt or something. Nope. “Clown by day, killer by night,” he added. He started to walk away just as Henry locked eyes with me and silently pleaded for me to not to do it. But I had to. “IT WAS JOHN WAYNE GACY, NOT ED GEIN,” I blurted out with my arm raised like I was in a classroom, unable to wait to be called on. The haunted house worker turned around slowly and said, “Oh…was it?” like he was UNSURE if he should believe this dumb blond girl who probably reads Us Weekly and watches the Kardashians. THAT’S WHAT YOU’RE THINKING, RIGHT GUY?! Henry just shook his head and sighed because he hates when my know-it-all-ness rears its ugly head, but I’m sorry, I practically majored in serial killers and I couldn’t let that extreme piece of misinformation slide. “I make serial killer cards,” I told the guy and he was just like, “Oh OK” and then continued on with the rules of the haunted house. Sucks to be schooled. “You know people think you’re an asshole,” Henry sighed. That’s fine. I’m used to being lonely up here at the top. OH!
  • We went to Dairy Queen and our Blizzards were not served upside down! This was an outrage! I got all mad about it and Henry was just like, “Oh well” and walked away while I was googling how to make a citizens arrest.

Well. That was prettty much my whole entire week off, point-by-point. When I went back to work that Monday, Amber said during our meeting that it was so quiet all week without all of my “drama.” AW! I took that as a compliment.

Oct 092017

Time needs to slow down and also speed up simultaneously. I’m having a major countdown going on internally, but at the same time, I’m trying not to rush through the days, especially these sacred fall days. Why does fall have to be the shortest season of the four? It still feels like summer here in the ‘Burgh – my hair was a frizzy nest and my face had that totally attractive humid glaze to it all weekend and I just wanted to cry. Today was no better, except that I didn’t have to go to work because it’s Day One of my Week Off For No Reason! (Actually, the reason is because I had to start using some PTO before I freaking lose it — I go through this every year). So since I’m sitting here at 9:30pm, post-Kpop workout, and dying from the humidity in my house-oven, I figured I would let off some steam by thought-dotting.

  • Speaking of devastation (let’s just dive right in!), Lauren heard that the Pirates were doing a collection for Puerto Rico relief last week, so Nate and I joined her Tuesday afternoon in walking over some much-needed goods across the bridge to PNC Park. I contributed a bunch of pet food, which was on the list, and Nate & Lauren rounded up some bottled water and baby supplies. The plan was just to stop at the local CVS on the way over, but Henry caught wind of the plan and was all, “CVS IS TOO EXPENSIVE I WILL BUY THE PET FOOD ELSEWHERE” which meant I had to lug this big bag of pet food to work that morning, no big deal. But Nate & Lauren have normal spouses who didn’t meddle so they got to have normal commutes in and then bought their stuff at CVS, where the cashier tried to make some dumb joke about the varying diaper sizes we threw down on the counter and Nate desperately wanted him to think that we were all three in some progressive millennial three-way relationship and that he was actually the mother of our babies. But the cashier was already too focused on sharing various DIY projects that we could do with excess plastic bags, and that was just really weird, because he was talking about how they make sturdy ropes and now I’m positive that he knows this because he’s used one on the milkmaid he’s holding hostage in his basement. We also know that he has an ex-wife and that his roommate is one of his CVS co-workers and I”m hoping that it’s the other cashier who was working that day, who was imploring people to COME ON DOOOOOOOWWWWWN to his register. So, that was an adventure. Then we lugged all of our items over to PNC Park, where we were told some of the players were milling about but admittedly none of us know a single Pirate so that didn’t really concern us. We just wanted to do our part because fuck you Trump. I also really liked how symbolic it was that the Pirates were doing this because the one thing I do know about the Pirates is that Roberto Clemente was trying to do this same thing for Nicaragua when his plane crashed. I might not be that into baseball, but I am for sure a fan of the Pirates.
    • Honestly though, why is everything so terrible. I felt guilty because I want to help everyone. Houston, Puerto Rico, Mexico City, Las Vegas…how do you choose who needs it more??  Just take all of my money. :(
      • What if one of those evangelical raptures actually happened and those of us who were Left Behind are actually living in some horrific Limbo of mass shootings, fatal acts of nature, Trump, etc etc.
  • Henry was over here the other night mouthing off about how he was using sriracha back before using sriracha was cool and is that like listening to a band before Pitchfork rates it?
  • I worked from home on Friday and boy let me tell you no one in my house ever wants to talk to me as much as they do when I’m working from home.
    • Also, I wonder if the cats noticed that I was playing the same song over and over.
  • Henry and I were about to walk into CVS the other night when some broad came over to me and asked, “Excuse me hon, are you from here?” and I was like OMG WHAT DO I SAY WHICH IS THE CORRECT ANSWER LAWD HELP ME so I blurted out “yes?” like a total stoop, waiting for her to say she needed directions or my body on ice in a bathtub but no, she wanted to know where the best place is around here to get pizza. SHOO, GIRL, YOU CAME TO THE RIGHT PLACE. I will talk to anyone about my pizza opinions. Pizzopinions? I told her Giovanni’s and Fiori’s and Henry was all, “Girl bye” and went into CVS because we have very different pizza palates. Pizzalates? No, that doesn’t work.
  • Henry was studying the Seoul subway lines and in that moment, he was Oppa Supreme.
    • Until today, when I learned a new Korean word: 빵셔틀. It means “bread shuttle” and it’s slang that Korean school bullies use to refer to the weaker kids that they make run errands for them, like they are literally shuttling around bread for the bullies. HENRY IS THE WEAKER PERSON IN MY HOUSE WHO CHOOCH AND I MAKE RUN ALL THE ERRANDS. This couldn’t be more perfect. I texted it to Henry in Korean and he put it in Google translate and sent me a screenshot with a bunch of “????”s, like he thought that I made a mistake and was trying to make me feel dumb, BUT WHO IS THE DUMB ONE NOW, BREAD SHUTTLE.
  • Three girls left Girl’s Generation, you guys. “They went from 9 to 5,” I said sadly. “Yeah, that’s not how math works,” Chooch said snidely and I yelled, “ANOTHER GIRL ALREADY LEFT EARLIER, OK!?”  Pour one out for SNSD (that’s what they’re called in Korea; try to keep up):

  • There’s this one crossing guard that I always exchange awkward and flat “good morning”s with on my way to the trolley every day. I don’t usually get much out of him in the way of personality, but on Monday, almost as an afterthought, he said to me, “You’ve lost weight, haven’t you?” and then he started to backtrack by saying, “I mean, not that you needed to, um…you know—” and I cut him off to thank him, genuinely, because I had just been looking at a recent picture of me from Amber1’s bridal shower and feeling really shitty about myself, which I try not to do anymore, but you know…we all have those days and it sucks, but sometimes you just gotta let yourself have a negative thought or 87, get it out of your system, shake it off, pound a cupcake….and then start over with a positive mindset the next day. But man, I know it’s a slippery slope making that type of observation about a woman and then having the balls to say it to her, but I really did appreciate it because I have really been working so hard and most days it seems pretty unnoticeable.
    • This wasn’t anywhere near the levels of awkward achieved by a security guard at one of old jobs who insinuated that he wouldn’t have guessed I was a vegetarian because, you know. “No, what?” I pressed, until he DREW AN HOUR GLASS SHAPE IN THE AIR WITH HIS FINGERS. Wow dude wow. I actually was pretty whatever about it but a co-worker overheard and got offended FOR ME and ended up reporting the guy. It turned into a whole thing and I got fucking interrogated by the supervisor of the security guards and I was just like, “Look, it was a dumb comment and I don’t think he even realized what he was saying” because I have had much, much, much worse said and done to me and that wasn’t something I was losing sleep over. Dude either got fired or quit, I don’t know, but I never saw him again after that, all because of a dumb comment.

  • My mom took Chooch to Trax Farms last weekend to get autumn decorations for our house. They came back with the obligatory corn stalks and a pumpkin. After assessing the corn stalk sitch, I determined that they needed fake blood and baby doll heads. “Really?” Chooch cried, throwing his hands up in the air. “Val and I go and get nice decorations for the house and of course you want to ‘add blood’ it.” WOW AND I THOUGHT HE WAS MY KID.
    • But then a few nights later, we went on a late night stroll around Brookline (we live dangerously) and had a lively conversation about our grammar pet peeves. WOW HE’S MY KID.
      • Speaking of that, Henry used a double negative around Calvin’s impressionable 4-month-old ears and I almost castrated him right then and there. DON’T TEACH THE BABY BAD TALKING, HANK. Honestly though, I have tried an exhausting number of times to teach Henry what double negatives mean and I guess he gets it but he just doesn’t care. At least he doesn’t say “ain’t” or “yinz.”

We’ll end with a cat video because that’s just how it’s gonna be.

Sometimes Drew has to be reacquainted with her tail.

A post shared by Erin Appledale (@ohhonestlyerin) on