Jun 302022
 

Hey ‘sup guys. Here’s a little dump of pictures and things. I’ve been feeling so uninspired lately and lethargic, which I’m sure has nothing to do with NEWS FATIGUE. I know I’m not alone when I saw that what I really really want is to lay prone in a cool, dark room for several days without the ability to think about anything. I just feel so stressed out – not with anything in my DIRECT life – but with, you know, everything else. I hate it for all of us.

I’m sure this has so many meanings on top of meanings with more meanings stuffed into hidden pockets (OMG remember those Kangaroo shoes with the pockets in them?!?), but last night I had a nightmare where someone that looked like Michael Myers but I think was supposed to just be a generic killer kept coming after me every day as soon as the sun went down, so it was literally like Groundhog Day where I had to keep fighting for my life. But in this particular “episode” (which of course was set on Gillcrest Drive, where my mom’s house and my Pappap’s house are), I was running and running from this asshole, and I had gauze or Ace bandages wrapped around my torso. Finally, I was SO SICK of running and peeing my pants in anticipation of being hunted that I said out loud, “I can’t do this anymore, I’m just going to let him kill me.”

o.O

Ugh.

So, here’s some shit that I want to get on here for prosperity, etc.

  • Henry was on the news several weeks ago! I can’t believe I haven’t mentioned this yet. But this one day, he had just come home from work and some broad was knocking on Hot Naybor Chris’s door. No one was home, so she came down into the driveway and asked Henry if he knew that his neighbor was involved in A HIT AND RUN the evening before. Henry was like, “Um, not to my knowledge….?” and then she asked him if she could ask him some questions, at which point the CAMERAMAN popped out of nowhere and Henry was so annoyed. You guys know that our street SUCKS BIG TIME, but the weird thing is that HNC’s wife Ruth wasn’t really involved in the type of hit and run that the news was portraying it to be. I mean, when we found out, we assumed they meant that she was crossing the street and got hit by a car, but what actually happened according to her was that she was pulling out of the driveway and some car came flying past and clipped the front of her car. She’s fine and her car just has minimal damage but it was jarring enough that HNC called the city or somewhere and said that we need speed bumps on our road. They recently installed some at the far end of our road in a spot that doesn’t even need them but OK cook on, we have like monthly accidents here especially in summer.
    • Before I post the vid, I also want to mention that the bodiless voice you hear in the news report belongs to Chooch’s nemesis “The Witch,” who used to yell at him all the time when he was younger, and in my eyes this was karma from all the shit HER kid used to put me through when he was a kid and I first moved here! HE FUCKING BROKE INTO MY HOUSE AND ROBBED ME (OK it was just a bunch of CDs but still!!) when he was like 10!!!! Waaaay worse than Chooch and his friends playing in her dumb yard but OK.
    • Henry said that before the news lady started interviewing him, she was freaking out because BUDDY THE SQUIRREL was sitting on the bistro, eating peanuts in all of his casual splendor and she was just so stunned that he was completely unbothered by her presence. Henry said she took pictures of him but if she were a true fan, she would have asked him for a statement too. The news could be so much more light-hearted!!
      • This happened RIGHT AFTER we told Blake that one of his “babysitters” was letting the kids play on the sidewalk a few houses up, and that person threw a fit but sorry for giving a shit about the safety of children. Our street is a nightmare and cars have wrecked onto the sidewalk plenty of times since I have lived here. So, cook on.

THE NEWS ARTICLE

CLIP OF HENRY:

  • We went to Kennywood AGAIN Sunday evening because we had some samples left over from our Bites and Pints card. It was really humid on Sunday and there was hardly anyone there. But some of the rides weren’t running and it just had an overall strange vibe. Still, we had fun. The highlight was making friends with a couple from Texas who were enthusiasts in the middle of a coaster roadrip! Kennywood was #5 on their route – I think they were doing 11 overall. More than we have ever done! The record for us so far is 8 and we might break that next summer when we do the Nordic trip with Coaster Crew. (Fingers crossed – we secured our spot but with the unpredictability of airlines and COVID, who the fuck knows). Anyway, it was the first time that we got to talk about RMC with people IRL! It all started because Henry was wearing his Velocicoaster hat (not an RMC…) and the dude was like, “Was it great?” and then they said they were recently in Florida and rode Iron Gwazi but didn’t make it to Universal and the mere mention of Iron Gwazi had me popping off. Anyway, that was fun and I was jealous that they were in the middle of a trip even though we just had ours in April, I’m never satisfied!! Anyway, here are some pictures.

One of the ride attendants on the Racer told me she liked my shirt – it was my KCON 2017 shirt so I was super happy and Henry was like, “omg.”

Apparently this was Henry’s first time riding the Wave Swinger at Kennywood?!

Golden Nugget mirror selfie.

I had my sleeves rolled up and one slipped down before I took this picture and I didn’t care enough to fix it but then as soon as I posted it on IG I felt the need to explain myself because there is always someone who has to ask the dumb Qs you know. Always someone tryna nitpick. WELL I BEAT THEM TO IT THIS TIME.

  • Henry and I have been babysitting his grandkids on Wednesdays but yesterday we just had the youngest, Milo, and I was excited because I never get to really hang with him since the two older ones are always like “ERIN PLAY WITH US” and milking me of every last drop of creative energy I have in me. First of all, he is a Big Fan of my house, so thank you Milo for appreciating my funhouse. And second of all, wow he is such a mild kid! Waaaay easier than 16-year-old Bitchy McCrybaby who came barrelling into the house whining about his bicycle woes and I really wish that I had started a tally of all the arguments he’s had with Henry re: his bikes over the years because it’s A LOT and they stress me out so bad. Like, fight about something new please, omg.
  • Also I had to laugh because we took Milo for a walk to get ice cream on the boulevard and some of the regulars were doing little double takes like “where did she get that baby” lol.

  • Sheetz selfie on the way home from Newark yesterday – I think this is the big Sheetz in Altoona. I love the bathroom in this one! The green tiles make me happy. Anyway, I can never pass up a Sheetz selfie op but also I wanted a picture of me in my STRAY KIDS Maniac shirt lol.
  • Speaking of kpop it’s pretty hilarious how people who mocked me when I first got into kpop in 2015 are now suddenly totally immersed in it, like, thanks, I accept your non-existent apology lol. Too bad these people missed out on the best years of kpop when they were too busy making fun of every picture I posted of G-Dragon instead of actually being open to learning what I liked about it. I thought I was being overly sensitive about this but then I mentioned it to Carrie a few weeks ago when we saw each in real life at work and she agreed that it was fucked up and Carrie will tell me if I’m being a baby so THERE!!

  • Dumb Henry is finally getting some more of my Cure stuff framed, he is so slow and dumb, as previously mentioned. Anyway, I really like lilac frame DONT YOU. Not like you’ll be able to notice it anyway in the moody Cure nook.

I feel like I had more to say but I guess not so now if you’ll excuse me I’m gonna watch more of the Umbrella Academy so chooch will stop trolling me for being a slow series watcher.

This month has been ugh and yay. All at once, at times. Drama, depression, fun times, lots of crying, cracking up on roller coasters – it’s been a ride. Bring on July.

Jun 112022
 

Except without the sound.

Just a quick bulleted run-down from the past week.

  • Chooch made Henry go to Walmart in search of the Stranger Things / Surfer Boy pizza. I have…feelings…about Walmart so I hung back, but Henry actually came home with good stuff! (Sorry, this is only surprising to me because I associate Walmart with a factory of sadness.) Not only did he find the pizza, but they had Stranger Things vegan chicken nuggets! I’m, uh, not exactly sure what was supposed to be Stranger Things-esque about them but they were pretty fucking delicious. (Never delish,  though.) I’ve never had (nor heard of) Skinny Butcher brand of anything before but I will now be having Henry search for more of their foodstuffs.
    • Also, he got the Van Leeuwens Grey Poupon ice cream because I had a morbid curiosity about it. You guys. I know, mustard ice cream sounds NASTY right? But listen. It was a vanilla base, with pretzels, and RICH SWIRLS OF HONEY DIJON. So like, more of a honey consistency but with a definitely bit of Grey Poupon. HOO BOY. I was impressed. Like, I was in the kitchen screaming its praises and now I am here to continue the singing. Please run don’t walk to Walmart (this will be the ONLY time I send you to Walmart) and get yourself a pint before the flavor is retired.
    • Also x2, speaking of Stranger Things, etc. I liked part 1 of this season but there were parts that felt like punishment. I used to LOVE Hopper scenes but this season I was SNOOZING big time every time it was Russia shit or Joyce and Murray. And I’m sorry, I know this is like sacrilege, but I don’t like Eleven. I liked the beginning episodes when they were in school, but I quickly got tired of her storyline. OK maybe “ambivalence” is more what I’m going for and not that I downright dislike her character. I LOVED Eddie as a new character, I loved the girl power camaraderie with Nancy and Robin, and I am still hoping for a Dustin/Steve spin-off because their scenes and chemistry carry the show for me.
      • And congrats to one of my fave songs, “Running Up That Hill,” for getting the love it has deserved since the 80s.

  • OMG I bought this Gemini shirt a few weeks ago at Cedar Point and was so happy that they still had it in the gift shop because I saw it last year and almost bought it and have had REGERTZ every since. I only moderately like Gemini but this design is everything I love in a t-shirt, plus it’s Henry’s second most-hated coaster at Cedar Point so that gives me extra glee when I wear it.

  • Welp, now Chooch buys clothes specifically to match his carrot Crocs, so this is lovely.

  • I had the day off on Tuesday because we were originally going to go to Hershey for the day but then Henry couldn’t take the day off because of Driver Drama as usual. I kept the day off and asked my bro Corey if he wanted to go to Kennywood and he said yes! So we were going to do that but then the weather called for 100% storms and rain so we decided to just go and get lunch instead. I let him choose, my treat, because his birthday was the next day so I thought we could celebrate a day early. He picked a Thai place in Shadyside – Senyai Thai. OMG it was so nice there! I ordered the eggplant dish with tofu and it was honestly so satisfying and healthy-tasting at the same time. I was super happy with everything and want to go back soon! Then we went to Round Table Coffee down the street and sat outside because guess why? IT LITERALLY NEVER RAINED AFTER MORNING. Oh, I was hot over that. Then a very mismatched couple sat next to us. I think she may have been French and the guy was just a basic white American guy with a dad bod and balding blond hair and super pale freckled skin and didn’t even seem to have that great of a personality so I dunno how he snagged this Euro-hottie but she at one point abandoned her chair in favor of sitting on his lap so that they could giggle and make out and also so that she could pick stuff out of his hair. It was…a whole thing and Corey and I were basically gagging. Happy birthday, Corey. Here’s your front row seat to extremely uncomfy PDA.

  • The next night, Henry and I went to Bravo for a belated retirement party for Debby and Marlene! It was honestly a really nice time. I got to see most of my team for the first time since the pandemic, and let’s just say I got hugged A BIT MORE THAN I WAS OK WITH but I allowed it. Special circumstances, etc. Megan and Margie were sitting at our table and did I already mention that it was the BEST table? Because it was. I was bitching about how my Kennywood plans were ruined because of unreliable weather forecasts and Margie was like, “Does it seem like they’re getting worse with weather predictions?” and we were talking about how they make it sound like there’s going to be blizzards and then we get nothing. “Yeah, and then you go to the store and there’s like, no bread,” I said knowingly. Margie started to agree, but then she just stared at me. Then I noticed Henry also was staring at me. “I mean, that’s what Henry tells me when he comes home from the store, anyway,” I clarified and that seemed to satisfy the table. Anyway, I thought we would just pop in at 6 and say hello, stay for a drink, and then leave, but we had such a nice time that we and a few other stragglers stayed past the ending time and eventually had to leave before Bravo kicked us out lol.

  • I had a video meeting the next day so I put on makeup and felt cute or whatever the kids say these day when they need to justify selfies. The t-shirt I’m wearing under the mushroom cover-up is my “Ride or Pie” shirt from Hyde’s and speaking of pie, Henry and I decided after much deliberation (LOL it was a 2 minute convo) to resurrect the pie party after a five year moratorium. I posted about it on Instagram expecting maybe 3 or 4 people to care but the reception has been overwhelming! People have really missed this gluttonous event! Anyway, Henry came home and was like, “Let’s make it real” unlike our relationship which is still not legally-binding, and secured a pavilion in South Park! I have to make official invitation and I’m really excited about it! I want to start shopping for decorations already!

  • In other news, I have been all about the January 6th Committee hearings. The first one was riveting (even though FOX News said it was boring LOLOLOL) and made me so angry all over again. It still blows my mind that are/were people willing to DIE FOR DONALD TRUMP.  This country, man.

OK, I gotta go. Here’s a really great live version of Onew’s “Sunshine,” with AKMU’s Soohyun. This song is SUCH a summer vibe.  I can’t wait for SHINee’s comeback.

Jun 012022
 

Yo, just when you thought I forgot to recap the second day of our recent-ish Cedar Point weekend, here I come peeing on your parade! We’ll do it bullet point-style though and maybe that will make it better.

  • First, I was so nervous because as pass holders, we get early entry, BUT since we had a guest with us who was NOT a pass holder, we weren’t sure if it was going to fly. Henry asked some of the employees at the gate when we were leaving the night before and the one person said that it really depended on which ticket-scanner we got the next morning. She said if it were her, she would allow it, but it was basically the luck of the draw. Henry purposely chose an old lady, thinking that she would be easy to convince, but I swear to god there was a moment when we were certain she was going to say no. Her face got real stern-looking as Henry asked her if Zakk could come in early too, then she stared off into the distance for a split second, and nodded with a sigh. We were so happy! Thank you to THAT lady! Every kid should get to experience early entry at least once, it’s so fucking wonderful.

  • We lined up for Millenium Force immediately, as this is the best bet when it comes to early entry (Steel Vengeance and Maverick weren’t even on the list for it, probably because they never get started on time, who knows). Chooch and Zakk were lagging behind us and then Chooch had the audacity to try and cut in front of two people who got in line behind me and Henry and I was like, “No, you will not be one of those people!” So Chooch, totally appalled, went with Zakk to the back of the line (about 10 more people had got in line behind us while this was happening, sorry Chooch, maybe try to keep up with your “old ‘rents.'”) Hilariously, once we got into the station they still ended up behind us in line for the back row, lol. We ended up being the 4th train of the day, I think. Millie in the Morning, always a great way to start the day!

  • It was Zakk’s first time to ride it and he loved it! I could slap Chooch though because prior to this trip, he was telling me that Zakk was too scared to ride Millie the last time he was at Cedar Point and I was like, “Wow, homeboy needs Chooch to help him conquer his fears.” Yeah but what Chooch failed to me was that Zakk was EIGHT the last time he was there!!

  • We rode Iron Dragon after this for early entry, then Henry had the grand idea to get in the “pre-line” for Maverick since it was 9:40 and the ride should open with the park at 10. Except that it didn’t open with the park at 10 because it was DOWN. Intamin, you’re so frustrating!! But we love you anyway. Here are things that happened in line:
    • Some teenager/early 20s guy casually cut in front of the people behind us and they called him out on it! I mean, they let him stand there for a bit until it looked like the line was going to move and then the lady was like, “Excuse me, I don’t think you belong in this spot. I think you need to go to the back of the line.” This started a super awkward exchange where the kid was like OH I WAS JUST SITTING HERE and she was like “Yeah but this is a line and I think you’re trying to cut” so then he got all flustered and said he was just going to stand near the front of the line and we were like “OK COOL STORY” so he left but joke’s on us because we ended up standing in this fucking line for 90 MINUTES HENRY THANKS SO MUCH. Anyway, it was a good ice breaker though because we ended up talking to that couple for a bit about how line-jumping is such an issue and the biggest problem is that it keeps happening because no one wants to be the person to call them out because you just don’t know who you’re dealing with anymore and the park stuff usually doesn’t want to handle it either because it’s a hassle to GOD FORBID adhered to your policies and remove the INTERLOPER from the park. I don’t think INTERLOPER works here but YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. Anyway, those people were cool. She looked like she could have been a biker bitch in the best sense, and he was super interested in the birds and tried to give one the gum out of his mouth??
    • Somewhere behind us, there was an elementary school-aged boy in a giant t-shirt and huge jeans who kept screaming OPEN THE RIDE!!!!!! Like, furiously shouting this until his voice went hoarse. “I bet he’s fun at sporting events” I said to Henry, who laughed but I know he didn’t hear me. Eventually the kid had enough and stormed off to the front of the line, I guess to confront the Cedar Point employee who was stationed at the ride entrance. Would have loved to have heard that convo!!
    • I was obsessed with the group of….high school seniors, maybe?…that were in front of us. The girls were EXHAUSTED and laying on the ground, complaining about how long we have been in line, and then they were all playing cool games like DUCK DUCK GOOSE (ok only the one girl was actively playing and the rest were just kind of sitting in a circle and refusing to get up) and Ninja which I will never understand. They were super entertaining and seemed like the types of people I would have been friends with in high school so they can stay.
    • SteVe actually opened at 10 so to rub salt in the Maverick wound, we had to stand there watching trains cycle through with happy riders screaming.
    • Everyone in our section of the line were certified ride maintenance workers by the time the ride opened, since we had to stand there watching it being tested. “It’s the second launch, I’m telling you!” I cried to Henry 1000 times until he finally believed me which I know because he tried to co-opt my hypothesis as his own 20 minutes later. “Count how many seconds the trains stay down there [where the second launch happens; it’s like a shed/tunnel]. It’s REALLY LONG, like 12 seconds!” I back  up my theories with evidence, yo. I didn’t get a fake SCIENTIST degree by doing NOTHING.
    • It was a real party atmosphere when the damn thing finally opened. We were close enough to the front of the line that we made it all the way to the steps of the station before coming to a stop. It sucks because if the fucking thing had opened on time, our overall wait time (including when we got in line prior to the ALLEGED 10am opening) would have been about 25 minutes which is SUPER SHORT for dumb Maverick. Look, this ride is great but also kind of overhyped? It is not worth waiting 90 minutes but that was the hole that Henry dug for us on that Sunday morning, so whatever.
    • True to form, as soon as we were loaded onto our train, one of the other ones cycling through the track broke down again so we had to sit in the station while one of the crew played rock paper scissors (it will always be the Korean version for me, thanks) with some of the people waiting to ride. One thing Cedar Point really has going for them is OUTSTANDING ride operators/attendants. This person (wish I had been able to see her name on her tag) was so fun and upbeat, so much so that I wasn’t even aware that she was stalling us at first! Her ability to distract was impeccable.
  • Of course the wait time for SteVe was 15 minutes the whole time we were in line for Maverick, but then shot up to 75 by the time we got off Maverick. Thanks, Henry.

  • I got Henry back by forcing him to ride Gemini, which had a 5 minute wait time despite only running two trains on one side (what is up with all these parks having racing coasters that don’t race?!?! Is Kennywood the only park with a consistently-racing Racer??). We made it all the way to the platform in about five minutes, so that wait time was accurate. HOWEVER. The train that loaded right before it was our turn broke down on the lift hill, so our 5 minute wait turned into about a 25 minute wait lol and as you can tell by that picture of Henry up there, he was T-H-to-the-RILLED. That was dumb, I apologize. Here are things that happened while in line:
    • The one young ride attendant, DAVID, was a really great MC. He was telling us coaster-related jokes, such as WHAT IS A ROLLER COASTER’S FAVE VEG? CELE-WHEEEEEE. I laughed obnoxiously hard at this and Henry muttered, “Stop.” Then David had us take a poll re: pancakes vs. waffles. Waffles won but David was not happy about it. When we finally got to ride, David, who was wearing a headset so everything he said was broadcasted through the station, said, “BYE-eeee” to us but when we rolled past him, I said BYE directly to him, and he said BYE BACK TO ME BUT IT WAS AMPLIFIED THROUGH THE STATION AND I WAS SO EXCITED, LIKE WHEN I’M ABLE TO GET OTR TRUCKERS TO BLOW THEIR HORN (in the most chaste, innocent sense imaginable here thank you). Henry was not amused by any of this, but he was amused by….
    • ….the collection of middle-aged, unhappy looking maintenance men who arrived on the scene. Most notably, Keith. Henry was really into giving a play-by-play of their actions. “OK now here comes RON to stand around also doing nothing. This is just fucking great, Erin.”

  • If Henry wrote a Yelp review for Gemini, it would probably be: I took my hat off for this?

  • Finally got a CHEESE ON A STICK after years of thinking that Carrie’s top rec at Cedar Point was a Bosco Stick, and NEWS ALERT, the stand for which has been removed after said-years of letting people down with their non-stock/non-workers. Anyway, I’m glad that this was actually the thing that Carrie was talking about, because it was divine. I LOVE corn dog batter so I was stoked to be able to get a hotdog-less version. The cheese was so creamy and interesting!! I shared it with Henry but now I wish I had just hogged the whole thing for myself because he was so-so about it in his review. “Well, once you have these in Korea…” he started to mansplain and OK, solid point. But I still thought this was a 10/10 for theme park snacks, go stand somewhere else, Hank.

  • Gatekeeper had pretty short lines all day!

  • Blue Streak selfie. It was almost a walk-on, we love that.
  • Speaking of my PIERCE THE VEIL shirt, the day before when we were in line for Raptor, it was air-dropping central and someone with the phone name CARAPHERNALIA air-dropped me a picture of a kitten and I was screaming because THAT IS THE NAME OF A REALLY GREAT PIERCE THE VEIL SONG so I wanted to air-drop them back a picture of Vic (the singer) but they weren’t accept air drops, TYPICAL. Anyway, I thought it was pretty coincidental since I packed my PTV shirt for the weekend trip. I wish I had been wearing it that day though instead! Also, the park person at the entrance of Rougarou said she liked my shirt <3

  • Um, OK Sunflower burger, I see you! I got this from one of the local food trucks that set up shop inside the park (super big props to Cedar Point for allowing this!!) and it was so delicious and healthy that I was inspired to return to the food truck to tell them so. I DID A GOOD, you guys. I DID A GOOD.
  • Meanwhile, Henry got mac & cheese and pretzel bites (hoo boy, they were so good and the opposite of healthy) from another food truck and was still eating when I happened to look at the CP app and screamed, “STEVE HAS A 10 MINUTE WAIT.” It must have been down and then recently reopened because those are the only times you will see wait times that low! Poor Henry wasn’t done eating but I was like CHOP CHOP MOTHERCHEFFER so he had to shovel down the rest while hunched over and walking to the garbage can, and then I inevitably got an earful about how “I thought this was supposed to be A SLOW-PACED weekend” lolol when is it ever? Bitch, I don’t know how to be slow!

  • It took us probably FIFTEEN MINUTES to get to the SteVe because there is no fast way to get from one side of the park to the other PLUS that fucking train was crossing right in front of the SteVe plaza and I was so pissed. The asshole manning the entrance of SteVe (literally the only sour CP employee we encountered all weekend and he was at this post both days) was like, “DON’T RUN. THE RIDE IS CEMENTED DOWN AND NOT GOING ANYWHERE.” I thought he was scolding me but Henry said it was the kids behind us. Whatever, I still hated this guy for yelling about fanny packs when they clearly can fit in the free lockers so I took everything out of mine (just my phone and lipgloss lol) and then folded the fanny pack so Henry could shove it in his pocket in order for us to get past the FANNY PACK WARDEN. Then, OMG, all of our stuff fit perfectly in a free locker, can you even believe it. Anyway, the above picture is where we ended up in line as soon as we got there, and if you know anything about SteVe’s queue line, you know that this is A GOOD SPOT, like almost to where Fast Pass entrance is and pretty close to where the lockers are.
    • Some broad behind us in mentioned wearing steeltoed boots to a concert. Henry mumbled “Only time I’d wear those would be if I was carrying steel.” Me: THATS ACTUALLY WHAT THOSE ARE FOR?? Henry: yeah, what did you think they were for?” Me: Kicking ppl?! Henry: NO!
      • See also: the things you learn when in line for SteVe.
    • We asked for the back row this time (lol the crew just loves that) and the guy reluctantly allowed it. This made me really confused all over again over which is better: SteVe or Iron Gwazi??? I think I am still siding with IG because it was just more ridiculous and fun and we were able to ride it multiple times in one visit. Good luck doing that with SteVe unless you have Fast Pass or Fast Lane, whatever they call it.

  • We rode the train for the first time ever! I had no idea that it was actually themed. It was fun!

  • We also rode the skyride for the first time! It’s pretty lame though because it doesn’t traverse the whole park, but it was still nice to relax for a minute and take in the nice views. Cedar Point is extremely photogenic. I will now proceed to clog your sight-orbs with pictures for no reason:

  • In line for Rougarou – last ride of the day before having to leave, wah :( I hate that CP is like, nearly a 3 hour drive. I would have stayed until it closed otherwise, but it was a SCHOOL NIGHT and we had someone else’s kid with us.

  • Told Chooch we were leaving at 5 but then he and Zakk got stuck in line for Millie so Henry and sat around eating popcorn when we should have just gone and ridden something near the front of the park and had them meet us there, ugh.

  • Leaving amusement parks is definitely one of the “sometimes moody” occasions.

BYE CEDAR POINT! TIL NEXT TIME! (Maybe while Chooch is in Mexico lol.)

May 262022
 

Hey Sally, sick of amusement park recaps? WELL TOO BAD. J/K, you get a reprieve for today and instead we will look at pictures that have been piling up on my phone.

  • I bought this velvet capelet thingie from Unlogical Poem and wore it TO WORK (still feels weird typing that!) on Tuesday. I felt super regal. It was a super shitty day, work-wise, but wearing this made me feel less stabby, so it turned out to be a good purchase, I guess. Aside from this, the best part about being in the office was that my friend Nate was there as a surprise – I haven’t seen him since March 2020 but he’s one of the  people I chat with the most at work so it was awesome to get to bullshit IRL, like the old days! Then, after lunch, we did a few laps with Sandy around the quadrants while Chariots of Fire played on Nate’s phone. We picked up Sharon along the way, but Lucas said, “No, I’m good.”

  • Holy shit, we collected a major Sugar Spell bounty on Sunday! Two of these pints were actually from the week before – Amanda held them for us since we were out of town and I couldn’t possibly pass up  the chance to spoon some vegan Texas Sheetcake into my big fat yap. But then the next pint drop was irresistible as well, so I had to buy four of those two. Turns out, I was the FIRST ORDER when it went live on Friday, so they threw in two half pints for us as well! I HAD NO IDEA THAT THEY DID THIS. Also, in the last two years, how have I never been FIRST before?? I set a fucking timer for their pint pre-orders, for god’s sake!!

  • Did I post this before? I bought a Stray Kids shirt on Etsy to wear to the concert next month and it is so effing adorable, I can’t stand it. I asked Henry if he wanted one too but he didn’t answer me with words, just smirks.

  • CATS CATS CATS

  • Here’s our latest home decor project. I have been stressed over the pantry almost since the beginning of the kitchen refresh. I just didn’t like the huge opening and how quickly cluttered it got, filled with cereal boxes and other junk (well, non-perishables, not actual junk). Especially when Henry knocks shit over and then creates a pile of whateverthefuck – it gives me hives. I don’t think I’m clinically OCD but I definitely get nervous when things are out of place or cluttered. So I came up with a plan to use a thrifted denim skirt as a curtain, if you will. Henry stonewashed it and then it proceeded to sit in the basement for MONTHS before I was finally like, “OK, time to move this project to the top of the list” so I paint-splattered it and then Henry FINALLY cut and sewed it (aka the boring She’s Crafty stuff). I had been collecting pins and patches from the 80s since last year, so I was super happy to finally get to display them. Before my readers in the firefighting industry get all bent out of shape, please note that Henry thought ahead and hung this using snaps so that it’s easily removable for when we’re (lol “we’re”) using the right side of the stove.

I LOVE CHUCK MANGIONE SO MUCH. His music reminds me of going to Blue Flame with my Pappap.

  • I can walk around Pittsburgh on Tuesdays! I missed my downtown walks, although it’s gotten pretty sketch down there in pandemic times.

In honor of the new Stranger Things season dropping soon, I will leave you with the latest MV from the super talented Kang Daniel (I still miss WANNA ONE so much).

May 132022
 

This week was one of the slowest weeks I’ve experienced in forever. I kept thinking it was the next day, almost every day. Maybe it’s because I went into the office twice, I dunno, but yesterday in the office felt like the longest work day since before the pandemic. Megan said it was because we didn’t get to go out for a lunch break walk and she’s probably right. It was also a lot of socializing and I am still so exhausted, like I have a chatting hangover. It was…a lot. I think I’ll stick to my one-day-a-week routine, thanks.  The older I get, the more I learn about my extremely fickle social preferences and one of those is that I definitely prefer 1-on-1 chats.

Anyway, the rest of the week was same-old. Here are some fivers on my mind(ers). Please do be enjoying.

  1. Slushie Standoff

Chooch has really been going through it at work lately, to the point where sometimes I forget he’s only 16 because he comes home SOUNDING LIKE ALL OF US. Valid gripes, training woes, stupid people rants, managerial clashes.

The latter is what brings us here today, my fine blog-eyeballers. Because when Chooch came home from work Monday, practically foaming at the mouth as he angrily recounted his night, I thought of YOU, DEAR READERS, and how much I wanted to tell you this story.

OK so there is new-ish manager at McDonald’s. We’ll call him FRED for the purposes of this story. Now, FRED and Chooch have been butting heads for a few weeks now, it seems. In Chooch’s words: FRED came from BURGER KING, where things are done DIFFERENTLY so now he thinks everyone at McD’s is doing it WRONG and he’s fucking shit up, essentially. Like, sit down FRED, amirite? Now Chooch has told me a whole collection of maddening stories so far, like FRED telling him he’s in the way (“when it’s actually FRED’s big ass that’s in the way, but cool” Chooch spat the other day), and at one point Chooch purposely told some other co-workers that he doesn’t respect FRED, knowing it would get back to FRED because hi, teenagers.

(This cracked me up because it reminded me of when I worked with ELEANOR as some of you might remember. Her strategy was to lodge complaints to the snitches in the department knowing full well they’d go scampering TO THE OFFICE with these bread crumbs of employee unrest. She killed me.)

(I mean, not literally, I’m still here. Although we did have a fight over scissors one night which could have gone terribly awry.)

“Did FRED find out?” I asked.

“Yeah! He cried about it to [another manager] but she didn’t give a shit!” Chooch laughed.

At work on Monday, someone came thru the drive-thru and ordered three blue slushies. According to Chooch, their machine is wonky but the work-around is that you have to defrost it or something, who cares, I was zoning out when he explained it – Chooch takes his job very seriously. So, FRED does not know this fix and was struggling. Instead of helping him (because anytime Chooch tries to help, FRED tells him he has an attitude problem and calls him YOUNG BUCK), Chooch just stood there and watched with delicious anticipation.

FRED, now realizing this was going to take a bit, told the car to pull over and he’d bring them out.

So then he finishes the blue slushies, leaves them at the machine, and goes out to the car to tell them that they were done and he’d bring them out.

“Wait, but if they were done, why didn’t he just take them out with him then?” I asked a la Fred Savage being told a bedtime story.

“Exactly! Because he’s a moron,” Chooch said.

While FRED was out there doing a questionable attempt at customer service, another car came through and ordered a blue slushie. So…Chooch (being Chooch) took one of FRED’s slushies and gave it to them.

BECAUSE CHOOCH WOULD.

Now, FRED is back inside expecting to collect THREE BLUE SLUSHIES. Here, Chooch pantomined FRED counting the slushies and going ballistic. “WHERE IS THE THIRD SLUSHIE?? I HAD THREE SLUSHIES!!”

Chooch calmly told him that he gave it to another car.

“BOY, DON’T BE GIVING AWAY FREE SHIT!” FRED shouted.

“I didn’t. They paid for it,” Chooch said in the only way Chooch knows how: full of teenage arrogance and heavy on the sarcastic monotone.

Then FRED told another manager that he was taking his break because he needed to get away from “that kid.”

He reminds me SO MUCH of me when I was a young worker person.  

(Sorry, I love this ^^^^ story so much that I will take any chance I get to link back to it!)

Anyway, Chooch was going to put in his two weeks notice today and then just get a new job when he comes back from Mexico in August but then he said, “What will I do with myself for all of June??” so I think he’s going to stick it out for now. I gotta hand it to him – he genuinely enjoys working. Thank god he got something good from his dad!!

     2. Chooch Ran Away

I made Henry go for a walk with me after dinner since I missed my afternoon walk. Look, I’m an addict, OK? I’m a food-phobic, exercise-maniac, walking-addict. Do I need therapy? You bet. Do I care? Not currently.

Anyway, now that I got that honest confession off my chest, I dragged Henry around Dormont for a walk. He got to stop and get cold brew at Dunkin’ so he was mostly content. (I almost typed “sedated,” and I guess that too; dude practically sleep-walks through life.)

We got home and 10 minutes or so passed. I wanted to tell Chooch something so I ran up to his room and started banging on his door with FIRE ALARM vigor like I normally do, which normally causes him to hiss, “WHAT DO YOU WANT” but this time – silence.

I yelled, “I’m coming in!” and when I burst through his door like a firefighter, I found it empty. HE WAS GONE.

“Chooch ran away!” I screamed to Henry as I came barreling down the steps. He of course ignored me because I was making this way too dramatic and it wasn’t worth the energy.

“He’s probably riding his bike somewhere. It wasn’t in the basement when I was just down there,” Henry mumbled, probably cruising the listings for some auction site that he is OBSESSED WITH lately and it’s so annoying.

Then I got caught up watching roller coaster videos on YouTube (my visual Snuggie, OK?) and forgot that my child was gone. I mean, he’s 16. He comes and goes as he pleases.

He burst through the front door about 20 minutes later and I was like, “Oh. It’s you” and he was like “I saw [friend from elementary school] but didn’t say because my face is so numb.”

Now my mommy-panic was activated. It’s always during times of bodily harm that I’m catapulted into Mom Mode. Yes, it’s alarming even to myself. “OMG why!? What happened??” I screamed.

He just started at me. And then, slowly, “Because I was at the dentist….”

OMG THAT’S WHERE HE WAS! I totally forgot that he had an appointment. Good thing he remembered and that he’s able to take himself there via bicycle because Henry and I SURELY didn’t remember while we were out gallivanting around Dormont like two non-parents.

And that’s my story about how Chooch ran away, straight into the dentist’s chair.

3. Baby Buddy & Bambi (aka Drew)

Are you sick of hearing about my squirrels? OH WELL probably everyone at work is too, to be honest. We have a new lady on our team and every Tuesday I’m like DAWN LOOK AT THIS VIDEO OF MY SQUIRRELS and she’s like “*nervous laugh* oh jeez.” Anyway, look at Drew, that unbothered queen.

 

4. RiverPOUNDS

OK that makes no sense, but let’s roll with it.

Today one of my coworkers asked me if I had plans tomorrow and I said YES’M I AM GOING TO CEDAR POINT and she was like OH OK because apparently she had won some Riverhounds tickets (THAT IS A PGH SOCCER TEAM IN CASE YOU ARE FROM LIKE, OTTAWA, AND DON’T KNOW) and had planned to take her niece and nephew but they have prior commitments so now she’s trying to find people to go with her and I’m sure I was not the first person she asked but THANKS FOR THINKING OF ME.

Anyway, the whole point of this is that way back in like 2000, I quit my job that summer and then babysat the two daughters of one of my ex-co-workers. The older one, ERICKA, was such a biotch, I fucking swear to god. Like, the highlight of that summer for me was when she went away to some church camp and I only had to deal with the younger girl for like a week and that was fine because she was sweet but as I’m typing this I cannot believe that anyone trusted me to watch their kids ALL DAY LONG when I was 21 and a total irresponsible moron and not only that but they let me drive them places in my EAGLE TALON which I drove like a fucking race car and I took them to places like THE SOUTHSIDE which was still cool back then and full of punks and other boho types.

Then Ericka came back and was inexplicably obsessed with the song HOOKED ON A FEELING and asked me who sang it and then proceeded to not believe me even though I know everything about music but cook on little middle school bitchdemon.

Wow, I really hated her. My brother was in the same grade as her I think. I about to text him to see if he knows what she’s up to now that she’s like 30.

Oh wait, my point!!

So Ericka played soccer and I was always having to take her to her dumb practices at Mowry Park. There were some Riverhound players at one of the practices and I guess it was a big deal but I had no idea we even had a soccer team (maybe it had just formed at that time?) so I was not impressed. But the reason why I remember this is because this was the day I was sitting on the side of the field and ERICKA came over at one point and apropos of nothing other than the fact that it was true, bluntly said to me, “You really need to lose weight.”

I WAS WEARING AN ORANGE SHIRT THAT DAY TOO AND NEVER WORE IT AGAIN THANKS YOU DUMB BITCH.

So my point is that every time the Riverhounds come up (which is periodically because our Firm is always giving out tickets it seems, I think we’re a sponsor probably), I can hear that brace-faced bitch telling me I’m fat IN SO MANY WORDS.

5. THE CARPET MAN

You guys. Henry found my fake poem collection in the attic, in a binder, printed on old-school see-through printer paper with light gray type. I was so excited!! I went through a heavy fake poetry phase in 10th grade because my friend MELISSA/MARTHA/POPTART was actually serious about writing poems and kept a poetry notebook in her bag at all times, so I, being the BULLY OF A FRIEND that you all know to me, decided that I too would be a poet. I even gave myself a pen name – EMERALD – which two entire teachers began calling me when I asked them to (my 9th grade english teacher Mr. Gershna and one of the gym teachers MR ROSENSTEEL, loved both of them).

Anyway, my friends mostly thought this was so dumb, except probably Janna who enjoyed being the subject of many poems, such as the JANNA IS READING A BOOK TRILOGY. But my favorite was the FIVE POEM SERIES spawned by the fateful time my mom took me to HUGHES FLOORING to pick out new carpet for my bedroom and I imprinted on THE CARPET MAN, but not in a romantic sense for myself, but moreso in that I was orchestrating a grand imaginary romance between him and my mom.

Then of course I borderline stalked him, even making my friends Keri and Ken drive me to the carpet store for literally no reason other than I wanted to cachinnate all over the carpet samples and then choke on my idiocy.

Anyway!!! No one understood why I was so fixated on him but I just was and it gave me so much joy to scribble out stupid “that’s a real stretch” poems about him. Having this back in my life inspired me to google him and I think the found the obituary for his mom!!! :(

I thought it would be super hilar to make a little chapbook dealio for my mom for Mother’s Day, since the Carpet Man series happened because of her. I made the background of the cover and every page various pictures of CARPET, naturally, and then I needed to add more poems because Shutterfly was like “we will not make a five page book for you, that’s fuckin’ ridic” so I added some other Val-inspired poems as well. It arrived yesterday and I have been CRACKING UP over it ever since!

I’m taking it to her tonight and she is either going to like it or be super confused.  If she even says she doesn’t remember this phase, I will die.

THIS WAS A WHOLE FUCKING THING. It happened when I was in 8th grade and I was SOOOOOOO OBSESSED with it (for literally no reason) that I even tried to explain it to my homeroom, going so far as to draw a diagram on the chalkboard and I was laughing so hard that I almost peed and blacked out and Scott Ash called me a SPED which I never understood until I was thinking about it recently and it clicked. All this time I thought he was calling me derogatory term for lesbian.

THE MONKEY BAR IS A LOCAL BAR IN THE TOWN WHERE I GREW UP.

This was maybe my MOST FAMOUS POEM. I think I wrote about this in greater detail at some point, but this one is a classic that I wrote after she called the police on me in 10th grade because I took a streak knife to the family portrait and then locked myself in my room and she was scared about what my explosive anger and I were planning next. 👼🏼 Meanwhile, all I was doing was sitting on the floor, being a depressed teenager, and listening to Bone Thugs n Harmony. They ended up taking me to the ER by ambulance. The EMTs that fateful afternoon were two seniors who sat near me in study hall. But no, I wasn’t embarrassed. And once I guilted my mom into signing me out of the ER (the doctor wanted to admit me–for what, I’m still not sure 👼🏼), she took me to McDonald’s on the way home and we all got a big laugh out of it. She did say that I wasn’t allowed to go to Kennywood for school picnic day after that but then school picnic day came and guess who was at Kennywood, jotting down notes for the KENNYWOOD SERIES of poems she was going to pen?

👼🏼

Actually, this was a supremely bad time in my life. I was going to a child psychologist, medicated, and having severe explosive anger issues, and also was self-harming to an extent and also dabbling in anorexia which I told myself wasn’t that but just a form of punishment – I mean, all functioning people withhold food from themselves. 10th grade was….awesome.

We were actually just fondly reminiscing about this day recently. She said the family portrait is still in her shed if I want it. I had no idea she kept that??

I sent this to my brother and it prompted a whole text discussion about how we looked like a family that had it all but we were sooooo dysfunctional. I mean, how many people can say that they have a normal family though, right? What even is that.

👼🏼 👼🏼 👼🏼 👼🏼 👼🏼 👼🏼 👼🏼 👼🏼 👼🏼 👼🏼 👼🏼 👼🏼

WOW I’M SENSING A REAL THEME WITH THIS POST AM I HAVING A BREAKTHRU.

 

May 062022
 

It’s Friday. I haven’t done a “5” in a while. Here’s an amusement park palate-cleanser:

  1. Troop Beverly Hills, what a thrill.

After all of my HENRY HAS NEVER SEEN TROOP BEVERLY HILLS / HENRY IS NOW WATCHING TROOP BEVERLY HILLS / HENRY THOUGHT TROOP BEVERLY HILLS WAS ‘NOT BAD’ Internet postings a few weeks ago, my pal Heidi got an Instagram ad for Troop Beverly Hills shirts. She shared it with me and I immediately the above shirt, and also another design too because I NEEDED TO. My heart *and* my head were saying it was the right choice. When I told Henry I bought two, I think he was initially scared because he thought I meant I bought two of the same shirts, one for me and one for him.

WHY DIDN’T I DO THAT.

Oh well, Father’s Day and his birthday are both coming up…

Pink and green is my ult color combo, ever since I was a youngin’ and had a green dress with pink hippos on it. I love that dress so much and also it was when I was still cute & and an only child, so I relate these colors to the best days of my life.

I have a faux-suede moto jacket that I thought would look adorable with this shirt so I stupidly asked Henry to take pictures of me in it when we went to the cem for a walk later that day last weekend.

Bro, we’re still in the same city, stand back some more.

Honestly, what goes through this man’s head when I ask him to take a fucking picture? “Take a picture of me but also make sure I’m just a blip on the screen.”

I had to actually take a test photo for him because he did the same fucking shit here too!!! AND IT WASN’T EVEN LEVEL.

Where is Chooch when I need him. Oh yeah, WORKING.

I dunno what these poses are. I don’t even care anymore.

And then instead of helping me down from the wall, Henry took pictures of my flailing descent. (I am terrified of even the smallest heights and have found myself paralyzed in fear before having to dismount from things even shorter than that wall. One time I got stuck in a tree – only like 2 feet off the ground – and Henry took a picture of me crying in it.)

2. Hunting for Chocolate Chip Cookies

After we left the cem, I was craving chocolate chip cookies. However, it was now around 3pm and god forbid bakeries be open past like, 1pm. So we were stressing about where to go and I remembered that one time, Henry stopped at this ice cream shop on the North Side and we were pleasantly surprised to find that they had outrageously good cookies. So we rolled up and it was CLOSED FOR VACATION. But! I remembered that literally right across there was another bakery-type place that I thought might be open because they also serve food. CLOSED FOR TECHNICAL ISSUES. Henry was like, “Oh, Adda coffee is on this street too – they usually have baked goods.” CLOSED SEVERAL MINUTES AGO.

The worst!!!

Literally every other option nearby was closed according to Google and Yelp, but then I saw a listing for this Mexican bakery called Panaderia in Mt. Lebanon, which is on the way to picking up Chooch from work, so we stopped there because they have NORMAL PEOPLE HOURS.

It was very small and narrow so I didn’t take any other pictures, but everything we got (and we got a lot because we’re pigs for baked goods) was wonderful and not too sweet so I ate so much without getting sick!

Now I’m jealous of all the authentic treats Chooch will be smashing in Meridian this summer.

In case you were wondering, I did get a chocolate chip cookie the next day when we went to pick up our pints at Sugar Spell Scoops. It was literally exactly what I wanted. A choco-fucking-chip cookie. How hard is it?! I would have been happy with a pack of Chips Ahoy, honestly.

(I dunno what it is about Chips Ahoy, probably the nostalgia talking, but sometimes those are all I ever want. Even over Oreos. Gimme a fistful of the Ahoys with a cold cup of milk, boy-o.)

3. Girl Buddy’s Babies

Well guys, it was inevitable. About a month or two ago, Girl Buddy was stealing stuff from our yard to use in her nest, which apparently was INSIDE HNC’S PORCH ROOF. I know this because I watched her run next door with all her nesting supplies in her mouth and begin to run up HNC’s sidewalk, only for his wife to come barging out of the house and literally yell, “SHOO! SHOO SQUIRREL!!” Girl Buddy tried to come back again a few minutes but this time was shooed all the way down the driveway to the backyard.

What a hater HNC’s wife is.

Nevertheless, Girl Buddy prevailed and made her nest up in there, and then two weeks ago, the little babies started poking their heads out of the roof opening! And as of last week, they were old enough to leave the nest and were tentatively climbing down the wall. This was super cute but also awful because Ruth was home and they were making a racket. So I was standing on my porch, tossing grapes down the driveway in a desperate attempt to lure them away from her damn porch, because she has been going BALLISTIC lately. Not just with the squirrels (although she did come home one day and bellow MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRRELS!!!), but with everyone. She started a fight with one guy because he parked his van on the street and was pulled forward too far so that she couldn’t easily back out of the driveway and she threatened him with a baseball bat.

I have a recording of it. It was…wow. Just wow. To be that miserable.

So my days have been spent policing the squirrel sitch because I’m so afraid she’s going to come home with a BB gun one day and I am trying so hard to protect these precious beings.

MY HEART.

The other evening, Ruth was other there having a conniption. They’re messing with her plants, I don’t even know. She needs to get over herself because her porch is not that nice. Anyway, she was on the phone screaming to HNC about it and he was like “i will take care of it” (she had him on speaker so the whole neighborhood could hear). So she’s out there yelling about it and sweeping (OMG our porches are little square slabs and she is out there sweeping with a compulsion, like numerous times a day, I truly don’t know what is left for her to sweep) and while this was happening, Girl Buddy started hopping over to the porch steps, like “SAY IT TO MY FACE!” I was fucking dying. Girl Buddy is ruthless.

4. HEARTSTOPPER

See the source image

If you read all of my book wrap-up posts, well, you’re a real one. But also, then you might know that I have read and ADORED Alice Oseman’s Heartstopper graphic novel series (the way the backs of my eyes are stinging with looming tears right now). Well, I had been anxiously awaiting the premier of the Netflix adaptation and it was worth the wait. This series is everything. The casting is IMPECCABLE. I watch every episode while hugging myself so that my heart doesn’t explode.

I can’t explain how or why but the confusing emotions and coming-of-age strife and giddy love conveyed in the graphic novels are so palpable. It made me feel like I was back in 9th grade. And the cast totally takes everything Alice Oseman has given them and just fucking sparkles on screen. I love it so much and I’m hoping that we get a season for each book?! I don’t care if you think this out of your demographic. It’s amazing and sweet and pure, and you will love it. Imagine how many kids this is helping right now, how many adults wish they had this when they were growing up. That’s the part that really makes the ice crack a little around my heart. Whew.

Also, I’m obsessed with Kit Connor.

Alsox2: This is GOOD:

Netflix’s ‘Heartstopper’ Is Its Highest Scoring Critic And Audience Hit In Ages (forbes.com)

See the source image

5. Coaster Socializing

We finally bit the bullet and joined a coaster club/organization. I can’t remember if I mentioned this on here already but I feel like I did? Or did I have some self-deprecating tweet about it? Who knows. But originally, we just signed Chooch up because he is allowed to bring two guests to most of the events. But then saw  that this club is organizing a Nordic trip for the summer of 2023 and excuse me, sir, but I want in on that action. It’s for member’s only so now Henry and I are members too, lol.

Honestly though, I really am hoping that this works out because we don’t have any friends who are into this shit and I am dying to talk to someone about the rumors that Hershey’s Wildcat is going to get RMCd. You know. Roller coaster thangs. We tried this club action before with the Dark Ride and Funhouse Enthusiasts and it was cool to get to do some behind-the-scenes stuff but literally no one in that group talked to us and we felt so out of place.

We’re already off to a bad start with this coaster one because the guy hasn’t emailed us any info like he was supposed to and we need a fucking membership # in order to register for any upcoming event we want to attend, so this is annoying.

Well, I have shit to do so let’s end this on a dreamy note….an NCT DREAMy note, that is!

Apr 012022
 

I don’t know* if I have five things for today and I don’t feel like counting, so I’m using bulletpoints and you can’t stop me.

*(or, as I word nearly every note I leave at work: IT IS UNCLEAR TO ME….)

  • Have I mentioned that Henry was fixing some vent cover issue that Janna was having at her house? I don’t have much knowledge (IT IS UNCLEAR TO ME) as to what the actual issue was because I kept zoning at the BORING ADULT WORDS being passed back and forth, but the good part was that Janna recently got a kitten so I got to play with him on two Sundays in March! She needed help naming him and when I told Chooch (who has yet to meet the kitten because HE WORKS EVERY WEEKEND) (Chooch does, not the kitten, although I can totally picture him saying, “Do you want meows with that?” into his headset) (the kitten, not Chooch) (although I could totally picture Chooch saying the same thing) he suggested that Janna name the kitten KIRBY. Janna was like “haha cute” and then continued calling the kitten “The Kitten.”
    • Chooch is now 0/2 at naming Janna’s cats. His suggestion of “Ted Nugent’s Cat” for Janna’s other cat several years ago did not stick, except for when Janna REFERS TO HIM AS THAT IN JEST.
    • At last pressing, Janna appears to have opted for “Simon” as the name.

  • Before going to Janna’s on Sunday, Henry and I stopped at Onion Maiden for the Chick Habit popup and got some faux-chix sandwiches to take to Janna’s. Janna had never had any type of fake-meat/chicken type of meal before this and I did not know that! Anyway, she got the classic chicken sandwich and was like “omg” and I was like “right?” Chick Habit is great. Not Slutty Vegan-levels of great, but Pittsburgh Vegan-levels of great. And you know, that’s still…great. I failed to take a picture of our sandwiches in my haste to pigout, but here is a picture of one of Chooch’s drummies that we brought home for him:

  • I forgot to mention in my NEW HAIR update from yesterday that while I was at the salon, “That’s Not My Name” came on and I was SO TRIGGERED. Yesterday was the first time in a while that I made it through the whole day without being called KELLY but that’s also because I had the day off. HOWEVER, over the weekend, I had an eye appointment and the dumb bitch who is not the doctor but does all the pre-exam “LOOK AT THE FARMHOUSE” types of tests called me KELLY three entire times even though I had repeatedly corrected her. And then she tried to explain it was because my name appeared “last name first” on my file. You know, just like everyone else’s. But OK, cool fucking excuse. Bitch. I hate Visionworks so bad and really need to find an actual eye doctor to go to instead of panicking and going back to Visionworks at the last minute every year because I’m running out of contacts. Come on, KELLY. Put on those Adult Trousers and power up. (Maybe also put on a name tag.)
    • Even worse than that was the fact that I had to sit across from Teenage Jonny Craig in the waiting room who was wearing slides with no socks and doing the TRUCKER SNIFFLE (oh you bet your freshly-spanked ass I was masked the fuck up) and watching TikToks on his phone outright, no ‘pods.

  • Literally no one asked but Kpop Dad’s favorite song off the new NCT Dream album is “Saturday Drip.” He was in the kitchen the other night, blasting it while prepping overnight oats. It was adorable but don’t tell him I said that.
  • My period started today and I’m only telling you this because I was looking back in my vacation journal to see what I was doing on April 1, 2018 in Korea and apparently my period started that day there too (it happened in the bathroom at the Line Friends store in Itaewon! #ThingsWeRemember) and the travel package of tampons I brought with me “just in case” only had three in it which, OK, cool, so go to the store and buy more, right? Except that in Korea, there is this so-called myth that you can’t get tampons so expats have to get them sent from home because they only sell pads in stores and I was like, “This cannot be true” except that yeah, at least in 2018, it was true. I mean, unless there was some underground menstrual market I wasn’t privy to, I had to buy a thing of pads which is whatever but now I’m remembering how I had to use them on the 13 billion hour plane ride home and that literally the first thing I did when we got to JFK was buy tampons. (Well, you know, after all the administrative bullshit.) And yeah, there’s a “Korea: The Stuff They Don’t Tell You Except For When They Do and You Don’t Believe It” story for you.
  • Me & Penelope with our matching fur/hair:

  • Hey speaking of Janna’s house, did I tell you that it is SATANIC?? Like actual Devil worshipers lived there. If you ask her, she will tell you that I am speculating but the one time we were over I was like SHOW ME YOUR BASEMENT and there was some black magickal CIRCLE carved into the floor. I was like OMG IT’S A SATANIC RING at the same time Janna and Henry said something about a coal furnace, BUT I KNOW WHAT I SAW. Then later, Janna was like “the person who lived here before me must have had a cross hanging in every room because—” and I cut her off to blurt out “INVERTED CRUCIFIXES YOU MEAN!” And she was like, “OK Erin, yes.” Also they had a bunch of phone jacks so it was also a demonic call center probably. I’m really excited to investigate this further. Janna was supposed to send me A PICTURE OF THE SATANIC PRAYER RING but she has not and I will tell you why – because it’s in her demon-infested basement and she doesn’t want to go down there!!!!!
    • I’m bringing Chooch’s Ouija board with me next time. And also Chooch. He’d be a good conduit I think.
    • Of course after I told Corey he immediately texted back OH PLZ LET JANNA’S HOUSE BE HAUNTED – co-sign!!! What if it’s a “Barbara Hershey in The Entity” situation!
  • Drew felt left out so here’s a picture of her too. She squirms up the side of the couch under the blanket we keep draped there, and then snuggles down in the corner so it’s like a tent.  I almost sat on her once though because I didn’t realize she was under there!

  • For as much as I don’t care about the OSCAR SLAP, I have managed to still find the energy to rant about it every single day this week and I hate that for me. I’m just mad at everyone, really. And I never liked Will Smith that much to begin with and Jada peaked with Jason’s Lyric IMHO and I have no opinion on Chris Rock but they’re all rich asses who live in their own precious bubbles of unaccountability so….moving on.
    • I do think it’s weird that earlier that day though, Janna randomly sang “Welcome to Miami” reminding me that Will exists as a person, and NOW THIS. NOW. THIS. Henry inexplicably started receiving People magazine in the mail so WILL AND JADA were looking back at me today when I reached into the mailbox. THIS SUCKS. GO AWAY. YOU LAUGHED AT THE FUCKING JOKE, YOU ASSHOLE!
    • OMG DID JANNA AND HER SATANIC CIRCLE MAKE THIS HAPPEN!? She sang the song and her haunted house sucked it down into the bowels where Satan shat it back out in the form of an OSCARS SLAP.

I’m going to eat my oatmeal and watch another episode of Bridgerton now and NO IT DOESN’T BOTHER ME ONE BIT THAT THE OTHER DUDE ISN’T IN THIS SEASON I DON’T FUCKING CARE AS LONG AS IT MEANS LESS BOBBLEHEAD DAPHNE THANKS.

I AM MAD, THANKS WILL SMITH.

UPDATE: Janna finally sent me a picture!! I bet she made her mom come over so she wouldn’t have to go down there alone!

 

Mar 262022
 

This was supposed to be a Friday Five but my blog broke and wouldn’t allow me to upload the pictures I wanted to add so I had to wait for my IT Team (see also: Henry) to investigate and troubleshoot only to concede and call WordPress or whoever, I dunno who he called, but when they called him back, he was UNAVAILABLE so things are still not resolved as of Saturday morning. I figured I could at least get the word portion of this shit post down while waiting for Henry to do NOTHING (he’s currently in the kitchen making his gourmet breakfast – literally has been caressing some scrambled concoction on the stove for a solid 15 minutes, going back and forth from the fridge with more impromptu ingredients).

I guess this will just be a post without pictures, I dunno.

  1. The Family Who Drinks Water Together…

I saw a tweet the other day where someone was asking, “Has anyone over the age of 40 actually seen their parents drink water” and it made me pause, because NO. NO I HAVEN’T. This sent me on a spiral, squeezing my brain for every instance of a family meal I could conjure, and NO WE NEVER DRANK WATER, and in addition to that, WE NEVER DRANK THE COMPLIMENTARY WATER provided to us at restaurants. Holy shit, this is real. We drank MILK (prob Vitamin D) out of FROSTED MUGS with dinner. My dad had like 4 legit vintage pop machines in the garage, we always had 2 liters of Fresca and some Ruby Red shit that my mom liked, and tons of sugary juice to wash down our bowls of sugary cereals in the AM – it is no wonder I have spent most of my life struggling with my weight!!! I was doomed from the start!

I never acknowledged “water as bev” even into my TWENTIES. I relied on Mountain Dew and, I dunno, wine coolers exclusively for hydration until one of my friends was like, “Do you not drink water? YOUR TEETH ARE GOING TO ROT!” And then I started panicking because ew. So eventually I got on the H2O wagon but I had to use flavored water as training wheels for a bit.

Now as an adult with my own family, we never have pop in our house. The liquid portion of my diet consists solely of water, coffee, and kombucha. Thank you.

2. Chooch’s HARD TRUTHS learned at McDonald’s

Apparently, Chooch’s friend (who works less than him) got a raise. Chooch was furious about this. “Why did he get a raise?” I asked. “I dunno, because he asked for one,” Chooch scoffed.

“So…ask for one!” I cried, because le duh right?

Chooch started sputtering off about how he doesn’t know how to do that and this blows my mind because Chooch is a fucking go-getter and I literally cannot imagine him at any sort of crossroads over this. So I started giving him suggestions of ways to ask for a raise which is actually so rich considering I HAVE NEVER ASKED FOR A RAISE MYSELF.

“I’m just so mad that I work harder than everyone else, but get paid less,” Chooch huffed. OH SONNY BOY, that ain’t just a McD’s thang. That is what we call THE FUCKING REAL WORLD.

3. Spring Break Stress

You might recall several posts ago I alluded to our spring break trip and said something about how I didn’t want to give any details because we had already changed the itinerary/destination 4 or 5 times since November and I didn’t want to jinx anything. Well, just the mere mention was enough because LITERALLY THE NEXT NIGHT we were in the process of securing hotels, etc. and something made me look up the operating times for one of the parks we had on the list, and um…they changed their dates…

….to weekends only.

So out of curiosity, I looked up the other two parks we were going to hit in the same state, AND UM, SAME THING. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. The whole entire reason we even planned this road trip was because that state had theme parks that were open EVERY DAY in April.

This sounds so whiny and First World Probs-ish, and I get that. But I’m mostly just kind of in a state of shocked hilarity because we have really weird luck with spring breaks. We have a new destination that is going to sadly cost us a ton more but I guess that is price we have to pay in order make FAMILY MEMORIES???

Henry was like, “We can still go to the other place another time,” and I literally stamped my feet and cried, “BUT I WANTED TO GO THIS TIME!!” LOL – the Veruca Salt side of my personality was 100% primped and primed by one John Stonick aka Oh Honestly, Pappap. Henry used to try to rehabilitate my spoiledness, but um….you see how well that’s worked.

So anyway, we have a NEW itinerary in place now and I just want to say that I am well aware of the fact that I am in a position to even go away AT ALL with my family, especially considering it wasn’t that long ago when we struggled to even afford a weekend vacation. Remembering that brought me back down to earth RULL QUICK.

On the bright side, it’s given me brand new vegan places to investigate because I like to be prepared when we go to other cities so that Chooch and I are properly and efficiently fed with little room for the HANGER PAINS to manifest.

Me, to Henry: “Do you hate going to vegan places when we travel?”

Me, answering for him in my Henry Voice: “No I don’t really care I just like to eat food.”

Me, back as Erin again: *Cracks self up*

Henry: *tunes out entire scene*

4. BLOG UPDATE: 

HENRY IS ON THE PHONE WITH THE BLOG PEOPLE RIGHT NOW AND HAD TO GIVE THEM MY BLOG NAME AND ADDRESS – HELLO BLOG FIXER, IF YOU ARE SEEING THIS!

5. SHEEPISH STENCH

Henry and I went to CVS the other night to drop off film (WHOA THAT FELT AWESOME TO SAY THAT!). I went off to look at makeup and nail polish while he did the film stuff (it’s 110 film so it has to be sent out to a lab by CVS; can’t develop it there using their STATE OF THE ART MACHINES). 
Henry rejoined me in time for me to dump my selections into his arms so he could check out. I caught a whiff of something unpleasant and figured it was the older man who standing near me using the ATM.
In the parking lot as we were leaving, I gagged a little and said, “Ugh. At some point in CVS, I smelled this awful cologne, & now I just suddenly smelled it right here, too.” This potent cyclone of nastiness just straight blasted me in the face as we walked past a parked truck. Must belong to the ATM guy, I thought.

Henry smiled and waved sheepishly. “Sorry, I didn’t realize it was going to stink that bad when I sprayed it.”

UGH OF COURSE THE OFFENDER WOULD BE HENRY. A full hour later and I was still sneezing.

Mar 212022
 

I took the day off today. I have a dentist appointment late this afternoon and was originally just going to ask to leave early for it, but then my internal Mental Health spokesperson was like, “Yo, you need a day off. Take the whole day.” So I did. Before I fucking blow a gasket. I also have a day off next week too but that’s because I have a hair appointment for the first time in forever since I have to actually go into the office occasionally starting in April. This mountain lady mop on my head needs help, Cindy.

  • Speaking of Cindy, when I was a senior in high school I used to go to this place called Cindy’s Curl Up and Dye which I thought was the best name ever and I loved my stylist but I have no idea what ever happened to her or what her name even was, but I can picture her vividly and I used to tell her about how shitty Psycho Mike was to me and she never judged me which I appreciated even though sometimes we really need someone to just fucking say it to our faces, you know? Mike used to get so angry when I had a hair appointment because it took so long and he would get so fucking weird about it.
  • Speaking of Mike, when Henry and I were in the attic last weekend, I found another crate of old journals (I have SO MANY JOURNALS, Alan). I grabbed one of the old Composition book ones and the first page I flipped to was from Thanksgiving Eve of 1997 when Janna and I were home alone with my brother Corey and Mike came over because he was pissed that I couldn’t go out and we had a huge fight because as usual he was accusing me of cheating on him and this was the infamous night when we were in the middle of my street fighting (well, he was fighting and I was crying and begging him to calm down because I was a completely different person around him and not the strong-willed bitch that I’ve been with every other guy I’ve dated, but we all have our weaknesses, and clearly he was mine and I still have a pocketful of disgust for myself over this). I will never forget this moment, when he was choking me in the middle of my street, as he was wont to do (the choking part, the location varied), and he screamed that he was going to gouge out my eyes and shove them up my vagina, so that was really cool and then we brought the fight back to my house. I threw a rock at his car and then he chased me in the house and I screamed “RUN” to Janna and Corey, who followed me upstairs to my bedroom and I locked the door, and then Mike went back downstairs and grabbed my cherished VHS tape of “Twice Upon a Time” and ran it over in my driveway.
    • Literally the same day after re-living that moment through my journal, my mom texted me and asked, “What was the name of that cartoon movie you were obsessed with about the dreams? Twice Upon a Time or something?” WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.
    • I actually re-bought that movie on VHS soon after and it is actually in my kitchen as part of the decor. Talk about a movie that packs a lot of history.

  • In lighter news, I was getting into bed the other night and noticed this strange rabbit head craft thingie laying there. Henry mumbled, “Chooch bought it from some old man, I dunno…” I got the full story the next day: Chooch was waiting for the bus at South Hills Junction and some old man was walking around with his bag of craft supplies because he just had his craft group session at Joann’s or something, and was trying to sell two of these rabbits so Chooch bought one for 50 cents and you have to know that I am obsessed with it and have named it a new family heirloom. It’s actually sitting next to me on my computer desk because I’m still trying to decide where I want to hang it….

  • I am a week away from completing Jillian Michael’s Body Revolution workout program for the….5th time? I dunno, but I do this program about twice a year (it’s a 90 day program) because it is the only thing that I have found that actually works for me as far as toning and strength-building goes. Like, it gives me legit definition in my arms and legs and even though I have always been fairly muscular, you could never tell because of all the fat surrounding it lol. Anyway, I have felt very good during this go-around which makes me happy because I can for sure tell you that I am more fit and capable at 42 than I was at 22 or 32, but I am definitely getting a little worried about how much time I left to exercise this hard, you know? My back hurts every day and my knees have been sporadically doing weird shiver-things so that’s something to think about. You know I love my walking workouts but I have always done more maniac-level cardio/HIIT workouts alongside those step-counting sessions, so I’m hoping my endurance doesn’t start to wane anytime soon!
    • Me, yesterday: *gloating because I can do backbend push-ups at age 42* See also me this morning: *barely able to get out of bed because I was doing backbend push-ups yesterday at age 42*
  • Did I tell you that Chooch and Henry bought a 3D printer together? Chooch has been doing this mentorship at the Carnegie Science Center’s Fab Lab since October, and one of the things they use is a 3D printer. He was given a laptop loaded with all the programs they use to design shit, so he decided he wanted his own printer. At first, I wanted no parts of this because it seemed dumb, until I started to think about my Etsy shops and began asking questions like, “Could you make kpop things? Like, keychains?” So now I’m OK with this new addition to the house, especially since it lives in Chooch’s room so it’s not in my way. However, I always know when he’s using it because it makes the dining room lights flicker?? It’s also kind of annoying because he and Henry do not work well together at all so there’s been a lot of bickering and Henry keeps yelling shit like, “YOU ARE JUST LIKE YOUR MOTHER” which is like the highest compliment you could give Chooch, really. Anyway, he’s already printed me a cute squirrel puzzle and is currently working on a topographical model of South Korea for me.
  • I meant to write about this when it first came up several months ago but I was so mad about it that I didn’t have the energy, but the new priest at the church across the street put up a sign prohibiting people from parking in the lot overnight, else they be towed. Half of the people on my block have always parked over there because the old priest didn’t give a shit and our street is dangerous to park on. We do have a shared driveway but Hot Naybor Chris totally monopolizes it with his fleet of broken vans, etc. Literally, he was three vehicles back there that he doesn’t drive.  So it of course turned into this whole fucking THING where we have to strategically park our cars in the driveway and it’s just worth going into any more detail here, so I will leave it at that. But the whole reason I brought it up is because now if anyone parks at the top of the driveway (*cough*Haley*cough*) they block in us and Chris’s wife. That being said, HNC texted Henry the other night was a “call me if you can” which Henry just loves, as you can imagine. So Henry is like, “Oh god, what now Chris” and calls him. Apparently, HNC’s friend, who is a fisherman and masseuse, was on his way over and would it be OK if he parked in the driveway? I mean, at least he had the courtesy of asking, considering his autobody graveyard is the reason we have to play the Parking Lot game in the first place. Henry was like, “Sure, I don’t care…” and hadn’t even hung up yet and the FISHERMAN MASSEUSE was already pulling into the driveway like was just laying in wait for Chris to give him the thumbs up. “Chris really wanted me to know that his friend is a fisherman and also a masseuse,” Henry said after the call ended. I ran over to see what the guy looks like just in time to see him getting his MASSAGE TABLE out of the car!!! Now I was really cracking up because HNC’s wife had just left, so this massage was all for HNC! It was big enough news that I had to text Alyson, an avid HNC enthusiast, and also Corey, who is equally invested in the happenings on Pioneer Ave.
  • I keep telling Henry that we need to get our death arrangments ironed out (i.e. burial plots, etc). We spend a lot of time walking in cemeteries so it’s always on the forefront of my mind because I don’t want our deaths to be burdensome on Chooch someday. “If it was left up to him, he’d just chop us up and dump us in a casket that he 3D-printed,” Henry muttered and this is actually very accurate.
  • Chooch, who is never happy with anything provided to him, was bitching about how he doesn’t have enough room in his dresser. Henry calmly stated: That’s because you went to Erin’s School of Clothes Folding. Touché, motherfucker.
  • In more HNC news, this text exchange happened the other night:

  1. It really sounded like the knock on the door happened on Blake and Haley’s door, not HNC’s, but OK.
  2. Henry came off as pretty rude to me!? He was like, “Well, I don’t know what else he wanted me to say, so…”
  3. I love their weird neighbor-friendship.

Well, I want to go and try to enjoy my day off (you know how hard that is for me to do!) so I guess I will end this here. Pray that my dentist appointment goes well *cries*.

Mar 042022
 

I dunno why, but I hate the word “female,” yet here we are, being hypocritical for the sake of alliteration. What is my life.

In today’s dumb Friday Five edition, I want to share some of my current fave Kpop girl groups that have been helping me reach my morning goal of 6,000 steps before logging on to work. Usually I will jog in place while watching a Kdrama or I’ll do Kpop cardio, but sometimes I like to just put on Kpop videos and freestyle (sadly for me this is all Running Man and an occasional chest bump, with lots of JUMPING filler – that’s it,  that’s my dance move repertoire).

Also, I know you’re shocked that I actually pay attention to other groups than NCT! Especially with spring approaching, I’m more inspired to listen to the spunky girl side of Kpop. It makes me want to run in a bright green field,  while unfortunately probably sneezing because….spring. For instance, I’m blasting a 2022 Kpop playlist right now in order to block out the shrieks emanating through my wall from the fucking daycare facility next door.

OK, let’s kill this Friday Five. This bitch’s got other shit to do today!

  1. VIVIZ – BOP BOP!

Once I realize this was some of the girls from the recently disbanded GFriend, it made sense why it’s such an instant BOP BOP.

2. IVE – ELEVEN

I did a cardio dance workout to this song without ever hearing it before and immediately went to watch the music video afterward. This song is randomly in my head at given moment of the day. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE ELEVEN. It’s such an interesting song structure too, how the tempo abruptly slows down before the chorus. Love it!  I hope these FEMALES stick around because this is some potential here. [In my head,] I’m in the industry, so I can say things like that.

3. STAYC – RUN2U

I was enamored with STAYC last year when they released “ASAP,” and I think I can now safely say that STAYC is a group whose comebacks I will continue to anticipate. Can I get a shout out for that truly awkward sentence?

 

4. KEP1ER – WA DA DA

When my brother Corey was little, he used to make this sign with his hands and growl, “DREADED TRIANGLE.” It was actually pretty nefarious. He was a scary little boy. Anyway, Kep1ar do a similar hand motion in their choreography and it reminds me of that. Chills. (He also used to call me B.I.O. and it was this big mystery until he finally revealed that it meant Bitch In Overalls. I mean, I did wear overalls a lot in high school. And I was a bitch, lol.

 

5. APINK: DILEMMA

Last but not least, one of my OG favorite girl groups since I got into Kpop just recently had a comeback and I have been so nostalgically awash in their nostalgic sound. I know that it’s cool to be all WE DON’T NO NEED MAN/WOMAN/OTHER but sometimes we really are pining and just NOT OVER IT too, you know? That’s where Apink excels.

On that note, I bid everyone a fair Friday. Take some time to stab a pillow with a sharp knife in your backyard this weekend.

Mar 012022
 

I used to talk on the phone with friends all the time and now no one calls each other and if they do, we’re put in panic mode because a PHONE CALL is never good. I hate that. And like right now I have all of this nervous WWIII????? energy and back in the day, I’d remedy that by chatting on the phone and smoking 1/2 a pack of Camel Wides, like you do. But instead I will turn up the Kpop really loud to block out Those Fucking Child Monsters next door (SCREAM SCREAM YELL CRY SCREAM ALL THE LIVELONG DAY) and pretend that instead of typing on a shitty blog like a loner, I’m talking to YOU directly. That will be especially awkward if YOU are a sworn enemy who is hate-reading this lllololollllllololool ugh.

  • After we got home from Columbus Saturday night, Precious Son actually CHOSE TO HANG OUT WITH US. I mean, not for more than hour but that’s still a good chunk of a teenager’s time, you know. He was teaching Henry how to play some card game while I refused to participate and opted instead to scream stuff about kpop. It was really nice having Family Time until Chooch started being mean, like when I showed him the picture of Robert Smith & Mary that was hanging above our booth at Seitan’s Realm and he deadpanned, “Who’s that, Pee Wee Herman?”
  • Later, when Chooch was being interviewed for the fake documentary about our lives, he bitched about how he wanted to take advantage of us being gone all day by actually using the TV in the living room to watch YouTube except that the whole thing was “clogged” with NCT videos (“Haechan being whipped for Renjun for 9 minutes,” for example). “I tried to watch YouTube on the TV and it was literally all NCT stuff. I had to switch to my account to be able to do ANYTHING.” LOL OK Chooch, cry about it. Then he admitted that he actually does think the whole NCT universe is good but not good enough for him to share with his friends, ugh. OR ARE THEY TOO GOOD FOR HIM TO SHARE WITH HIS FRIENDS.
  • I got to see some work friends on Sunday for the first time in 2 years and the emotions were off the charts. First of all, it was under sad circumstances so there was that. Then it was disorienting but all at once comfortable too and I was completely overwhelmed.  I am definitely ready for the official “return to office” in April even if it’s just a handful of days a month.

  • I found this shop on Etsy that makes the most beautiful NCT-inspired shirts so I snagged this NCT Dream one. It came today and immediately made me happy and calm. I felt like I was ensconced in a warm hug when I put it on. I love that it has illustrated depictions of several of their music videos. LIKE: WE GO UP! This was their comeback that made me truly like them – prior to this, I was strictly an NCT127 stan. But Renjun’s “I need you right here” at 2:24 and Haechan’s “jeonjeonhi” right before that really gave me chills and still does! I can’t believe this came out in 2018, it’s been that long already. Time, man.

Sorry, being an old lady fangirl is all that’s helping me keep my shit together these days, OK. It’s either Kpop or defenestration.

  • Henry, looking for a garbage can in a parking lot: I don’t see one, do you? Me: Yes. Henry, spinning all around: Where?? Me: UP YOUR BUTT. (He falls for this shit every time and it never gets old and neither do I!!)

Why tho???

Why tho?? Part 2

  • One thing I hate about weekends is that Henry is always in the background, oafing around, peering over my shoulder while I’m TRYING to cook the only thing I can handle – scrambled egg beaters and toast – and hollering like a drunk hillbilly about HOW I AM GOING TO RUIN THE PAN. Literally, STFU Hank. And he wonders why I have absolutely zero desire to develop any semblance of a cooking skill! So we had this big quarrel (LOL I hate that word) in the kitchen about this and I was like how about I RUIN THE PAN AND YOUR ASS AT THE SAME TIME BY SHOVING ONE INTO THE OTHER. Yeah, how about that you dumb bitch. That’s what I thought. He left me alone long enough to eat 2/3 of my boring, tired breakfast in peace before stamping over in his ogre cadence to shout, “OH YOU WERE RUINING MY PAN 17 YEARS AGO TOO ACCORDING TO MY PHOTO MEMORY FROM 17 YEARS AGO” and then shoved his phone in my face to show me this picture of the “dessert” I concocted out of desperation for something sweet. It was made with sliced bananas, sugar, blackberry jam, oil, and whatever speck of ingenuity I could find within myself. Henry was like, “THIS IS NOT GOING TO TASTE GOOD” and I was like, “DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT SWEETHEART” and then he was like, “YOU ARE GOING TO BURN YOURS—” as I shoved a sizzling banana bit into my stubborn maw, burning my lips and tongue in the process. My teeth were basically shellacked with a crystalline blackberry shell for the rest of the night. I eventually got Henry to try one and he slapped himself in the face and because it hurt his teeth so badly, and said, “That was absolutely disgusting.” And if you’re like, “WOW ERIN IT IS AMAZING HOW YOU REMEMBER THINGS VERATIM” I am here to crush your assumptions by telling you that I totally looked up my old LiveJournal post about this “dish” and paraphrased for nostalgia’s sake.

  • Remember when I was on a Ronnie Milsap kick last week after hearing one of his songs at THE BONFIRE RESTAURANT? Well, I somehow (lol somehow) found myself trolling comments on his YouTube videos. I was going to reply to ROBERT SMITH II’s comment and say, ‘I wish you were real and had meaning,” but then I saw Clem Fandango’s reply and literally laughed so hard that it turned into straight up wheezing and then I was crying which turned into full-blown MANIC EPISODE SOBBING. I even it to my brother who was like, “haha” but was probably really like, “OK so..?” and Henry was like, “OK, TIME TO CALM DOWN.”

BUT GET IT?? ROBERT SMITH?? THE CURE? ROBERT SMITH II??

OK it’s not that funny the second time around. I concur.

OK I got nothing else. If we’re staying true to the ON THE PHONE theme, I’ll pretend like you’re Henry and end the call the way I do with him, which is *dial tone*.

Feb 252022
 

Hi hello hey ho ho ho! I thought that maybe it could be fun to a round-up of some of my favorite 80s walking workouts for today’s FRIDAY FIVE. Mostly because three of my go-to YouTube fitness channels uploaded one in the last two weeks, totally randomly. And I don’t know about you but I have been less than inspired to venture out in the cold this winter and have been relaying on  these types of workouts to get in my steps (and get off my dumb ass). I have been pretty unmotivated lately because of winter blues and work stress and just the world in general, but these five videos have been doing more than their share to get me stoked for walking.

  1. Up To the Beat

I love Gina B so much which is actually pretty off-brand for me because she meets all the criteria for someone who would typically get on my nerves – am I changing? Growing as a person?!?! Maybe it’s her accent.

2. Get Fit with Rick

Dude, I love the tracks he chose for this!!

3. Moore2Health

Careless Whisper and Easy Lover. Here for it. This doesn’t even feel like exercise!

4. Reps to the Rhythm

This guy’s videos always make me smile because his foster cats are usually raising hell on the sidelines!

5. emkfit

This is more of a classic Fonda aerobics workout but it has some great jams, like NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP. Let’s goooo.

***

I hope you find something here that makes you wanna get up and move! I’m all about promoting physical activity and while I try to not be over-the-top and pushy about it, there’s still a big part of me that wants to wear a whistle around my neck and blow out everyone’s ears with it.

Feb 042022
 

Hello from an ice-encrusted Pittsburgh. Due to winter sucking, Henry’s job actually let everyone stay home today and Chooch got to do school remotely (COVID ruined snow days lol). Anyway, as you can imagine this has not been contributing to a calm and balanced work environment for me. It’s bad enough I have to spend my days listening to those animalistic grandkids of Henry’s next door. Apparently they have a baby gate right on the other side of the wall near where my work desk is so that is the mysterious “banging metal pipe” noise I have been hearing incessantly. I hate it so much. God help me.

Well, here are five rando’ thangs to read on this “ok” Friday. Let’s keep in short-n-sweet though. I’m ti-red.

  • Henry and Chooch just came back from the post office & getting my books at the library. Henry: He’s mad because he had to carry all your books. Chooch: Yeah. I felt like a nerd. And a shut-in. #OUCH. Anyway, OMGWHICHBOOKSHOULDIREADFIRSTTTTTT?

  • On Instagram last week, one of my friends was like WHAT ARE SOME GIRL-CENTRIC TOYS FROM THE 80S I AM BLANKING ON THIS and before flipping in my two cents, I scanned the other comments and was SHOCKED—nay, STUPEFIED—to see that none before me had mentioned the pre-teen jewels that were SWEET SECRETS. Or Get In Shape Girl! So I tippy-tapped my contribution with a triumphant flare. THEN several days later I was digging around in one of my millions of memento containers (you can’t tell I’m a hoarder because everything is stuffed into precious boxes and trunks) and I found this picture of me at my Pappap’s house with a tableful of Sweet Secrets! (And Pound Puppies, which had been mentioned by many in the Instagram comments.) This must have been my 7th birthday, perhaps? 1986? 1987? I can’t tell my age anymore when I look at old pictures, WHAT A PITY.
  • SPEAKING OF PITY: I was friends with a girl back when I was the same age as above. She had a speech impediment and used to say “pity” instead of “pretty” so whenever she’d tell me something of mine was pretty, I thought she was degrading me. She was kind of an asshole and a bully back then, so she probably actually was degrading me, now that I think about it. Oh well. THESE ARE THE THINGS THAT MAKE ME, ME. That’s the title of my next imaginary children’s book. You’ll love it. It’s sold in Romania truck stops only though, sorry.
  • Earlier this morning, Henry and Chooch went down the street to get coffee. Chooch asked me wanted and, with the utmost confidence, I blurted out: YES A PLAIN GIGANTIC BLACK HOT. There was a pause and then Chooch said, “That’s disgusting.”
  • Oh speaking of Sweet Secrets, there was this one time when my Aunt Sharon (of the Moroccan Trip fame) bought me some new ones because I was spoiled AF but my childhood BFF Christy was with me at my Pappap’s house when this happened and Sharon, knowing Christy would be there, also bought her one too and I remember being #SoAnnoyed because that was ONE LESS FOR ME. I told Henry this story recently and his response was a deadpan, “Wow, that doesn’t sound like you at all.”

There. Five things in the bag, biotch! I’ll leave you with a compilation of Mark Lee from NCT laughing in case you are having a bad day.

Jan 272022
 

Hello from Valentine Hell! Just kidding, I love our greeting card business! I’m sitting here waiting for my cue to help with packaging etc and I am feeling v. restless so I figured, hey I will hop onto the Blog and say hello to my…fans. Lolololol.

I feel like I have been a big downer lately so I am going to one of THEM THERE mind power tricks and talk about some things that I am looking forward to or currently extracting joy from.

  • Magic Spoon released two new flava flavs this week so I scooped that shit up like cat litter, bitch. Mmm coming in hot with the yummy analogies.
  • I bought myself a really colorful sweater that has MONKEYS on it. It’s from ModCloth and my ModCloth experiences have been very hit or miss so I guess I’ll check back when it arrives and LET YOU KNOW if the sleeves are like, abnormal or whatnot.
  • Still currently deep in the throes of my NCT love fest. I have always liked them enough to know all their names etc but over the last year, they have become solidly placed in my Top 3 faves, and they’re my #1 as far as active groups go. Luckily, they keep their fans fed with so much nutritious content that I am rarely left wanting. Shout out to Janna who endures my manic fangirling in our Kakao chat & always has the right responses, such as: they are so very talented. (Her bias is Taeil, but overall her ult bias is Mino from Winner, in case I ever host a trivia night from my Brookline shanty.)
  • Oatmeal. I’ve traded in my dinner smoothie bowls for a warmer version for winter and OATMEAL IT IS. Henry bas been making some bowl bowls of it for me and now I spend all day looking forward to oatmeal-for-dinner.
  • A coworker called me a quadruple threat today. I mean, I really do have as many variants as COVID.
  • I’ve been choosing random travel blog posts and especially live blogs from the road to read before I go to sleep at night and that has been making me happy too. It’s important to remember that you don’t have to take some extravagant two-week overseas vacation to make good memories – sometimes driving two hours to Cleveland can be action-packed and peppered with funny road trip antics. I will actually laugh out loud sometimes reading about our old family trips.
  • Henry just fell walking up the basement steps and NGL that made me laugh.
  • Twinkies coffee creamer. I like it, ok?
  • Margie told me at work today that spring is like 50-some days away and that seems doable. We got this, guys! Actually, I’m just happy that January is nearly over because that is historically the worst winter month for me personally. I’m already starting to feel better than I was earlier in the month, too. Less anxious. More “this too shall pass.” I even reached out to a new person at work and have been having a nice email exchange getting to know them, and it’s made me feel more like the Erin That I Used To Know. (I feel like I need to blast that Ariana Grande/Zedd song right now lolololololugh.)
  • It’s supposedly going to be in the 40s several days next week so I will get to go outside and walk instead of walking in place while being frustrated that I can settle on anything to watch on Netflix.

Oh! Henry is almost ready for me to help so BYE. STAN NCT. STAN SHINEE. STAN BIGBANG. THAT’S MY NEW SIGN-OFF BECAUSE I AM 12 ON THE INTERNET.

In true fangirl fashion, here’s my current fave NCT127 song. I’ll leave you with the track video (not the full song) and also the lyric video which is the full song. Janna’s bias Taeil has some real powerful parts.

IF YOU LISTEN AND LIKE IT LET ME KNOW SO I CAN TELL THEM. THANKS IN ADVANCE.

Jan 212022
 

For this installment of Friday Five, here are five things I found in the attic several weekends ago when we were cleaning it out only to never return because it has been too fucking cold.

  1. A Whole Bunch of Australian Boarding Passes, etc.

First of all? Literally do not remember my flights being on Air New Zealand?? But seeing “Century Travel” printed on that ticket brought me WAY back to sitting in the travel agency inside of Century III Mall with my mom, who told me on the way there that she was only going to help me if I LIED to the travel agent and said I needed to go to Canberra for a wedding and not a concert, because the truth was “soooo embarrassing.” Um, ok?

I also remember being a nervous wreck on that flight to Sydney, not because I was scared of flying (that psychological affliction wouldn’t come into play until a year later, after 9/11) but because I was so panicked about seeing the Cure and frantic to find a way to meet them.

(SPOILER ALERT: I met them.)

(It’s actually amazing how impactful this one-week period in my life turned out to be.)

2. BUT WHO TOOK THIS PICTURE?

OK, based on my hair, this was the fall of 1998, and Lisa and I were certainly at a haunted house, and these were definitely guys we must have befriended in line, but I don’t really remember? I think this could have been at Allen’s Haunted Hay Ride? (Hey Erin, why not grab your old haunted house journals and check, that’s what they’re for, you know.) Actually, I think I kind of remember them, and one of them saying, “Whatever sinks your ship” in response to one of us saying “Whatever floats your boat”??? Also, why am I looking at them with such gross adoration?

But really, I want to know who took this picture.

Also, I don’t remember my hair being that curly. I thought I usually straightened it back then??

Also x2 I fucking loved that pleather jacket so much. It was from Contempo!!!

Sometime this weekend, I will peruse the ol’ haunted house journals and report back with THE DEETS. Maybe I’ll even TRANSCRIBE the whole sordid write-up. We’ll see how bored I am.

3. Before There Were Smartphones…

I used to scribble things that I wanted to blog about (back in the LiveJournal days!) on whatever scrap of paper I could find. When I stumbled upon this in the attic, I screamed because I totally remember what all these things reference: It was the spring of 2004 and these were things that happened while Henry and I were walking in one of the cemeteries on the Northside and Henry gave me the NOW INFAMOUS “moss is bad” speech, which my friend Alyson and I still reference and crack up over TO THIS DAY. Also, I remember wanting that sandwich (I think I was on the phone with Christina when I decided I needed this sandwich and wrote it down as a command for Henry, who dutifully went to Fredo’s in Dormont and procured said roasted veg sandwich for me.

The way I remember the most useless things, though…

4. MY PHIL COLLINS CONCERT PROGRAM!!

This is pretty self-explanatory but when Henry held it up from his corner of the attic, I screamed because obviously seeing Genesis in December had opened the floodgates of Phil Collins concert memories, and I could not for the life of me remember what happened to that program, and had figured I probably just never brought it with me when I moved out of my parents’ house in 1998.

Also, look at all the junk in the background! I swear we’re not hoarders. A good chunk of the stuff in the attic was all baby shit (a Pack-n-Play, stroller, etc) that we kept “just in case,” even though I was certain from the moment of THE C-SECTION that I was one-n-done, my friends. So, most of that stuff is now officially out of the attic. We still have a long way to go, though, because Henry has so many computer parts and other assorted accessories up there, and you can’t just throw that shit away. Plus, I have a TON of VHS tapes. So we have to find somewhere to donate those, at some point, ugh. Cleaning is so boring.

5. GAMEBOY PRINTER, ANYONE? 

I can’t even remember ever using this, yet here it is in my possession. I was hoping that maybe this was something that had turned into a hot commodity over the years, but according to eBay, these things are a dime a dozen. So now it went from cluttering the attic to cluttering my bedroom.

So, these are five things found during round 1 of Operation Attic Purge. Also found: literally like 4 boxes of letters from my penpals, such as my prisoner pen pal Aaron who used to complain to me about his baby mamas and then one day CONFESSED THAT HE LOVED ME and Henry was like, “Oh boy, took him long enough.” He might be out of jail at this point. He didn’t kill anyone, just shot some guy in the ass.