Nov 172017
 

Hello. It’s Friday and I am better but still not 100% which is entirely all my fault because I have admittedly still been exercising every single day since I’ve been sick. I KNOW, I’M A DUMMY, Henry tells me this constantly. But I have a sickness (I mean, in addition to my current respiratory sickness). I got to work from home today at least because it’s Light Up Night in Pittsburgh which means downtown is an absolute clusterfuck of people who never come into the city and act like it’s their first time walking down a sidewalk and one time there was a shooting, so….Speaking of, here are some bullet points!

  • My little baby! My honey bunny! My lamby wamby! (Ok I’ll stop but props if you know that movie. No one did on Instagram.) But you guys, look at my pretty son. I wish I was even a third as photogenic as him. I’m also amazed that his hair stayed up until the picture was taken because bro is notorious for smashing it down as soon as he’s out of my eyesight.
    • Funny story about these pictures is that they went missing immediately after Chooch brought them home and I was like, “Did you look under the couch?” and Henry said “YES OF COURSE I DID THAT WAS THE FIRST PLACE I LOOKED YOU DUMBASS” and then accused me of “probably” “accidentally” throwing them away with the circulars because he’s forever-bitter that I throw that shit away before he can look at it but hello, I hate that he just leaves them scattered all over the dining room table for like months on end, like hello, those sales are OVER now, boyfriend. So Henry put gloves on and tore through all the garbage bags because I’m sick, remember (no seriously even if I was well, I wouldn’t do that). No pictures in the trash. So then a few days later, I was like, “LOOK UNDER THE COUCH AGAIN, I DON’T BELIEVE YOU” and so he lifted the couch while I was laying on the floor and sure enough there they were. SERVES YOU RIGHT, HENRY.
      • I mean, I guess he had a valid point about the garbage though because I’ve accidentally thrown out two wallets.
    • Also re: my pretty son, he talks about college pretty much every time we take our nightly walk (my favorite pasttime right now, btw) and tonight he casually mused, “What job should I have while I’m in college? Uber driver, probably.”
      • Speaking of our nightly walks, on our walk two nights ago, a Corgi puppy bit him and he was crying, not because it hurt but because it was “a dream come true.” (Full disclosure, the owner warned him that puppy was teething and nippy, but he didn’t care, and it wasn’t like A Scene or anything.)
    • In other Chooch is crying news, he got kicked out of the library the other day and this is the second time a librarian made him cry and I shouldn’t laugh because it’s not funny…..but, is it tho?

  • I have been subsisting on Korean soups and porridge all week, thank god for Henry. He made a wonderful 호박 죽 (pumpkin porridge) over the weekend and I wanted to just bathe in it.
  • BTS has been in the US all week, doing various late night show appearances leading up to their performance at the AMAs on Sunday, and I have been so excited! They did a mini-concert on Jimmy Kimmel (it’s supposed to air on the 29th) but this video was on Youtube and I was dying because I could totally see this happening to Henry and I would BE SPITTING MAD.

  • Chooch and I were watching some girl’s vlog where she was in the Hongdae district of Seoul, and she said, “People come here with no fashion, and leave with style” and we started choking to death on our laughter, imagining Henry leaving with any sort of style. “Maybe at most he’d leave with an expensive plain gray t-shirt,” I said, and then we started hiccuping through the laughs.

  • Um…help yourself.

  • Penelope loves Taemin so much that she lays near the TV to be close to him. 
  • My flowers have finally died at work and are so much more style now. When I took this picture, I couldn’t stop laughing because it looks like that fake finger is a big dick, so I posted it on Instagram and my work-friend Colleen said her little boy was scrolling through her feed and was all MOMMY WHAT IS THAT and as such, an interesting conversation was had.
    • Speaking of flowers, I forgot about the whole season change thing and now 80% of my plants are dead. My kid is still alive though, in spite of his staunch refusal to wear a fucking coat.
  • Jonny Craig’s pathetic bullshit band got dropped from their record label today because the industry IS FINALLY STARTING TO HEAR WHAT HIS EX-GIRLFRIENDS ARE SAYING ABOUT HIS GROSS DOMESTIC ABUSE AND LITERAL RAPE AT KNIFE POINT. Fuck this piece of garbage, fuck him so much, and fuck all of his blind minion fans who are constantly defending him and victim-blaming and saying that his exes just want their fifteen minutes of fame, and if that were the case, maybe they’d be out dating an actual fucking celebrity then and not some lowlife hasbeen. Perhaps I will write something more about this later but I am just too angry right now. More needs to happen. He needs actual legal consequences.
    • Also? Quit saying shit like, “That was years ago, get over it” because let me tell you motherfuckers something (not you guys, those other motherfuckers out there who hate women), I was in an abuse relationship when I was in high school, 20 years ago, and that SHIT STICKS WITH YOU. I still have occasional dreams of him coming after me, telling me he’s going to poke out my eyeballs and jam them up my vagina (an actual threat he gave me as we fought in the middle of the street I lived on and I was crying so hard and begging him not be mad at me BECAUSE HE HAD ME PSYCHOLOGICALLY TRAINED TO THINK EVERYTHING WAS MY FAULT OMG I CANNOT WRITE ABOUT THIS RIGHT NOW I JUST CAN’T. I AM SO FUCKING MAD.
  • Phew! That took a turn, didn’t it? Here’s something light: I had animal crackers and hot chocolate for lunch two days in a row this week because I’m living my best life (of a 4-year-old).

Well, on that note. I’m going to go and….probably exercise even though I still can’t stop coughing because THIS IS WHO I AM.

Oh, P.S. FUCK YOU, TRUMP.

Nov 112017
 

There’s nothing I love better than taking some cold meds and blogging! Let’s get bullet-y.

  • One day two weeks ago, back when I wasn’t sick, I had brunch at Shiloh Grill with Wendy, Summer, And Amber1! It was really nice to see Amber, but also a huge reminder of how different our little work group is without her. I’d also like to note that I was scared of the fruit salad because I thought it had bacon on top, but it turned out it was small slices of candied apples – it was amazing and totally worth the price of the buffet. (OK, maybe the frozen mimosa helped too.)
  • Henry picked me up from work the other day wearing this garish red Faygo hat, but at a glance it looked like a MAGA hat and I was so embarrassed! When we got home, I wouldn’t even cross the street with him. He thought it was great and will probably wear it all the time now that he knows it has built in Erin-deterrent.

  • Taking baby steps with Chooch in an effort to get him to like some, ANY Korean food. He almost likes bibimbap but he won’t mix the gochujang in it which is the best part, but whatever. I’m going to start putting little squirts of it on his tongue while he sleeps until he wakes up one day craving it. That’s normal parenting, right? I wouldn’t know, since I’m apparently a bad parent, according to some sources, lol.
  • Henry and I were fighting on Halloween so I deleted him as a contact since I have no social media left to block him on anymore, and even though we were only fighting for a day (and when I say we, I trust you know how to translate that), I was being stubborn and wouldn’t put him back in my phone. So even five days later, when I would want to send him a picture of something (specifically, a picture of our favorite* CVS employee in the wild), I would have to physically type in his number. So I did that, and then I kept on texting him about the things I was seeing on my walk around Brookline, like the old man who dances on the sidewalk with his portable speaker (on that day, he almost knocked me over in his zeal for Usher’s “Yeah” while wearing a Kenny Chesney shirt). Henry never responded and I was like whatever, he’s probably napping. But then later that night, we were all out together, and I was texting Henry from under the table at some diner, and he wasn’t responding so I was like WHY AREN’T YOU RESPONDING TO MY TEXTS and he was like “You haven’t texted me since yesterday, so….” I looked at my phone and realized that everything from that day had gone to a number that was one digit off from his. He thought this was fantastic and prayed that I would eventually get a response, but I looked up the number and it was a LANDLINE SO THERE.
    • By “favorite” I mean that we’re obsessed with his hit-or-miss attitude. He’s been there for years and one night, we were walking around talking about him and some of the other CVS people we haven’t seen in a while and that’s when you know you have lived in the same place for too long.

  • New shoes! I kept walking past Payless and seeing these cute pink Champions in the window. They were on sale and I would tell myself, “Just go in and buy them” but I am such a lazy shopper and will constantly put things off. Finally, I went in one day and couldn’t find them! I was so mad that I texted, “They don’t have them anymore, good job Henry!!!” because #blamehenry. He even looked on the website at home and said they didn’t even have them online anymore! I started looking in all sizes, just to see for sure, and right next to the smallest womens’ size, I saw them. A girl’s size 6. Wait – is this a womens size six? I asked myself. It looked large though so I tried it on and it was too big! I’m a 7.5 so that couldn’t have been a womens 6. Were these children’s shoes this whole time? I walked to the kids section and pulled down a box of 5s – they fit perfectly so I gave no fucks and bought them. That’s how I found out that I wear a size 5 in little girl shoes. I wore them to work and numerous people were like I LIKE YOUR NEW SHOES and I was like THANKS THEY’RE FOR KIDS! Now that I know I can fit into them, I’m going back to get something glittered.

  • Now that Barb and Gayle are gone from the department, this is what pie looks like after I cut it. :( Glenn said it looked like a crime scene. I had to use my hand at one point to get it all on the plate. I hate myself.
  • My mom texted me last night and asked, “Remember when you would put cinnamon in everything I was cooking?” and no I don’t but that really sounds like something I would do.

  • I had a bouquet of fake black roses on the mantel for years and suddenly Drew discovered them one day and was constantly jumping up there to gnaw on them. I finally just took them down because CATS RUIN EVERYTHING. They’re so fucking cute though. Ugh. The perils of cat-having.

  • Some donut place opened up in Washington, PA called Glazed & Confused. I saw one picture on Instagram and became obsessed with going, so we stopped there last Saturday on our way to the last haunted house of the season (Chooch should be posting his review this weekend once I come up with a price for him, ugh). Honestly, it wasn’t that great. Henry and I split one with just vanilla ice cream and fruity pebz, because if fruity pebz is a topping option I will take it every time. Honestly, the girl who waited on us was annoying and there just really wasn’t anything that original about this place. Turns out it’s probably a chain, too. I mean, it was good but I wouldn’t go running back anytime soon. (If I had to choose between this place and that bigot-run Peace, Love & LIttle Donuts, give me a one-way ticket to Washington.)

  • On the way home from the above-mentioned haunted house, which was in Weston, WV, we stopped at DJ’s Diner, also in West Virginia, and it was, well, it just was. For starters, Chooch and I both ordered a Gardenburger and the waitress was legit shook. “Y’all are the first ones to order that,” she said, bewildered. Meanwhile, some broad was slowly trying to eat her meal while holding a newborn a baby while her “hubby” (ugh hate that word but it seems very WV-ish) gave no fucks about her struggle. And then this family of WVU fans rolled in – two sisters (one was in elementary school, the other was probably 8th or 9th grade which I deduced by the Young Bitch air she had to her), the obese mom, and the 5-packs a day granny. The youngest girl was eating a candy bar she got from granny’s purse, and then granny went up to put some cash in the juke box, filling the diner with predictable country trash. Chooch, whose back was toward them, started bitching about this immediately. “OMG this music sucks! I bet these people voted for Trump!” and I was slowly sliding down in my seat because the older girl had me fixed in her glare, and then Chooch was like, “I NEED TO ASSESS TO THIS MUSIC SITCH” and strode up to the juke box like a man on a mission, with his Warped Tour shirt and City Boi vibes. Oh, those fish out of water feels, always makes the meal taste so much better.
    • The fries were crinkle-cut and at first I was dismayed because I hate crinkle cut, but they ended up being really good and somewhere in there is a heart-warming analogy for race relations or something.

  • My friend Katrina had a baby a few weeks ago and I was so excited for her that I had to paint something for her little sweet Ophelia. Ugh, I love that name!
  • I was so excited when I heard that BTS will be performing “DNA” at the American Music Awards until I stopped to consider that this RACIST AMERICA so I made the mistake of peeking at the comments, just on Twitter, which were full of Asian stereotypes and things like, “So now this is the Korean Awards?” nevermind the fact that the AMAs consistently has Canadian and British artists on it and I’m sure everyone would cheer if that Despacito dude strode out on stage, but OMG ASIANS GO HOME. It makes me sick and I feel so protective of these kpop artists.

  • Henry and Chooch came downtown last Friday during lunchtime so that we could finally apply for Chooch’s passport. He sat in the waiting area, reading Modern Farmer, as you do, and then afterward, when the clerk asked if we had any questions, Chooch raised his hand and asked, “So…are they always blue?” We were all like wtf are you talking about and it turns out he wanted to choose a custom color for his passport but it felt like Pee Wee asking to see the basement of the Alamo and I’m acutely aware of how many times I use that scene to describe moments in my life. But yeah. That was his main concern, which is so Chooch.
  • A lot of my friends have asked me, “Aren’t you guys afraid to travel to South Korea?!” and the answer is “I live in America, home of record-shattering mass shootings, so no” but depending on the day, the other answer is “sometimes.” NOT thinking that way at least for a second is just sheer ignorance. It’s a valid question, and a valid concern. We’re very aware of what’s going on, but instead of just relying on the hyper-sensationalized American media, I read a lot of the S.Korean news sources as well. It was kind of funny, not so much in a “ha ha” way, but I was at a lunch a few weeks ago and there was this lively conversation about all of the exotic locales some of our co-workers have been vacationing to recently, and as soon it was brought up that I’m going to South Korea, it got AWKWARD. Someone monotoned, “Oh. Wow” and another person dryly said, “If it’s still there” and then the conversation was officially killed and all you could hear was forks scraping across plates. It was awesome.
    • But really – what IS safe anymore??
    • Also, I do appreciate that my friends care, though. I know that they just don’t want me to be in any kind of peril and with our current “president,” you just don’t know. Saying that I’m not nervous sometimes would be a big lie.
  • I still feel shitty. I think I will just stay home and watch horror movies all weekend, FIGHT ME. (You’ll win though; I’m so weak and pathetic right now.0
  • Henry and I watched the recent Super Junior episode of Weekly Idol last night and were laughing so hard. What was my life before Korea?!
  • I want to have a casual Xmas party again this year but there are so many projects “we” have to finish around here and I’m panicking because nothing is happening. I need two or three more Henrys.

OK that’s all. I’m going to lay back down, how do I feel worse than I did yesterday this sucks!!!!

Oct 242017
 

I know it seems like there could be way worse things in life, and maybe you’re right, but I took a week off a work in the beginning of October because I have some PTO I need to use up before I lose it, and I hate taking time off with nothing to do! Most normal people think that’s a dream, this whole staycation phenomenon, but I’m not part of that population. I think I’m too lonely. I need company. Or to be on an actual vacation.

That week made me realize how dependent I am on my work friends to entertain my mindless babbling all day long. I won’t take you for granted anymore, guys!

Anyway, here’s a run-down of what I did on my week off. tl;dr: It was not much after that first day.

  • On Monday (i.e. the Day After the Pie Party), I met Maya and Scott in the Strip for breakfast before they had to head off to the airport. We were going to eat at Deluca’s but there were a million Yinzers standing outside of it, even though it was a weekday. (“It’s Columbus Day, though,” Henry reminded me later, which just made me get all angry and yell FUCK COLUMBUS.) But it was just as well, because we ended up going to this place next to it called Raymond’s. I don’t know if this place is new or what, but I have never heard of it. It was a fucking delight! The had two self-serve water coolers, one had lemon and orange slices in it, which I was stoked about, but Maya was the opposite of stoked because she has a citrus allergy. She stuck with un-citrused water. While Scott & Maya each had gigantic breakfast sandwiches, I pretended like I hadn’t absorbed 8 pounds of sugar at the pie party and had French toast on homemade bread with strawberry compote. The waitress asked me if I wanted whipped cream on it and I was like WHY STOP NOW. Then Scott called Robert Smith FAT BOB. Hnnng!!
    • Oh shit, when I was paying the fare attendant before heading downtown on the trolley that morning, I thought he was giving me a high-five, so I started to go in for it, but TURNS OUT HE WAS JUST STRETCHING I HATE MYSELF. Two days in a row of misread social cues.

  • We walked around a bit after breakfast, in the stupid unseasonal humidity (oh god, it was awful — can’t you tell by my hair?!), until it was time for Maya and Scott to get on the airport bus. I wanted to drive them to the airport but dumb Henry had my car, so good job making our out-of-town guests take a bus to the airport, Henry you rude son of a bitch. Anyway, it sucked saying goodbye to them and I MIGHT have cried a little bit on the trolley ride back home which is really nothing new because I cry on the trolley a lot, but still. I loved hanging out with these fools and can’t wait to see them again!

  • This was my view a lot of the days during my vacation. It was so warm the whole week and I went on 87 walks a day because there was nothing else to do which is false, I could have cleaned, finished any one of the 14 paintings I have strewn about, caught up on my blog…but no, I just walked a lot, KpopX’d, and annoyed the shit out of the cats (and Henry, whom I called constantly to ask, “Are you done working yet? Are you done? When? Now? Are you on your way home?” Ugh, I get so lonely!) I had way too much nervous energy to even kick back and watch a movie. I did practice my Korean, though! Update: it’s still hard as fuck. Chris sent me this article about the world’s hardest languages and it’s number 3 so pray for me.

  • Drew, about to do something stupid.

  • When I wasn’t walking on the high school track or taking my 90th loop around Brookline, I was with my bony peeps at the cem.

  • On Wednesday, my mom stopped over to give me this shirt she bought me specifically because it’s a knock-off of a shirt that G-Dragon wore once. Chooch was like, totally disgusted about this. She bought this over at a good time, because I had just come home from my first appointment with Amber2’s dentist and well, let’s just say that dental office has been indoctrinated into the world of Spazzy Erin. That poor hygienist had no idea what was coming when she called me back and I answered her “How are you?” with a frantic, “I AM FRRRRRRREAKING OUT!” She laughed but I was like, “No really, are my teeth loose? Am I going to lose my teeth? Do I need like, a bridge or something?” And she was just like, “Settle down, you’re not going to lose your teeth!” And then she wanted to talk about her kids’ sleeping habits for some reason, and I was trying desperately to say around her hands, “Yeah, but can we talk about my teeth? AM I GOING TO DIE?!” It was a bad scene. My hands were so clammy. Anyway, the dentist came in and was super casually said she was referring me to an endodontist because she thinks I might need a root canal which is strange because I have no pain?! So I made the mistake of texting Amber a barrage of freak out texts about it, and then she TOLD GLENN who had audio of a dental drill playing when I came back to work the next Monday. UGH.
    • Anyway, I have my root canal consultation today, so god help me.

  • Hey, something that cheered me up was getting this Notorously Morbid Halloween advent box in the mail, as a total surprise. Turns out it was from my friend Kristen! It was a great distraction and I started opening the stuff on the 19th and have loved every single item thus far! Thank you, Kristen! I always wear the same gold eyeshadow so it’s been fun venturing out and trying shades that I wouldn’t normally wear but look awesome! Horizons, broadened. :)

  • One of the nights I was off, I drank wine and watched Weekly Idol. Livin’ large.
  • Another night, Chooch and I went to Hundred Acres Manor (it was yawn-inducing, tbh) and then met up with Chris afterward at Eat n Park, so that was one fun vacation night!
  • On my last weekday off, Janna and I walked to Pamela’s for breakfast and then I went back to the high school track because I panicked about not walking enough after walking all the way to Mt. Lebanon and back, I think I need psychiatric help.

  • That Friday night, we went to a haunted house in Toronto, OH and it turns out ROBERT URICH WAS BORN THERE?! I only found out when I saw that there’s a road named after him. If you knew me in high school, you know how I obsessed I was with him.  I texted Lisa immediately and she was just like, “Oh god, no.” Apparently, this is the only thing Toronto, Ohio has going for it because it sure as shit isn’t Margaret’s Cafe.

  • Possibly the highest moment of my time off was in line for a haunted house when the lineman guy said to someone in the group behind us, “I see you have Ed Gein on your shirt.” Everyone was like, “Huh?” and he kept going on and on about Ed Gein. I was craning my neck, trying to see this supposed shirt. “Yeah, the character on your shirt was based on the serial killer Ed Gein,” he went on, and I was trying to see if the one guy had like, Buffalo Bill or Norman Bates on his shirt or something. Nope. “Clown by day, killer by night,” he added. He started to walk away just as Henry locked eyes with me and silently pleaded for me to not to do it. But I had to. “IT WAS JOHN WAYNE GACY, NOT ED GEIN,” I blurted out with my arm raised like I was in a classroom, unable to wait to be called on. The haunted house worker turned around slowly and said, “Oh…was it?” like he was UNSURE if he should believe this dumb blond girl who probably reads Us Weekly and watches the Kardashians. THAT’S WHAT YOU’RE THINKING, RIGHT GUY?! Henry just shook his head and sighed because he hates when my know-it-all-ness rears its ugly head, but I’m sorry, I practically majored in serial killers and I couldn’t let that extreme piece of misinformation slide. “I make serial killer cards,” I told the guy and he was just like, “Oh OK” and then continued on with the rules of the haunted house. Sucks to be schooled. “You know people think you’re an asshole,” Henry sighed. That’s fine. I’m used to being lonely up here at the top. OH!
  • We went to Dairy Queen and our Blizzards were not served upside down! This was an outrage! I got all mad about it and Henry was just like, “Oh well” and walked away while I was googling how to make a citizens arrest.

Well. That was prettty much my whole entire week off, point-by-point. When I went back to work that Monday, Amber said during our meeting that it was so quiet all week without all of my “drama.” AW! I took that as a compliment.

Oct 092017
 

Time needs to slow down and also speed up simultaneously. I’m having a major countdown going on internally, but at the same time, I’m trying not to rush through the days, especially these sacred fall days. Why does fall have to be the shortest season of the four? It still feels like summer here in the ‘Burgh – my hair was a frizzy nest and my face had that totally attractive humid glaze to it all weekend and I just wanted to cry. Today was no better, except that I didn’t have to go to work because it’s Day One of my Week Off For No Reason! (Actually, the reason is because I had to start using some PTO before I freaking lose it — I go through this every year). So since I’m sitting here at 9:30pm, post-Kpop workout, and dying from the humidity in my house-oven, I figured I would let off some steam by thought-dotting.

  • Speaking of devastation (let’s just dive right in!), Lauren heard that the Pirates were doing a collection for Puerto Rico relief last week, so Nate and I joined her Tuesday afternoon in walking over some much-needed goods across the bridge to PNC Park. I contributed a bunch of pet food, which was on the list, and Nate & Lauren rounded up some bottled water and baby supplies. The plan was just to stop at the local CVS on the way over, but Henry caught wind of the plan and was all, “CVS IS TOO EXPENSIVE I WILL BUY THE PET FOOD ELSEWHERE” which meant I had to lug this big bag of pet food to work that morning, no big deal. But Nate & Lauren have normal spouses who didn’t meddle so they got to have normal commutes in and then bought their stuff at CVS, where the cashier tried to make some dumb joke about the varying diaper sizes we threw down on the counter and Nate desperately wanted him to think that we were all three in some progressive millennial three-way relationship and that he was actually the mother of our babies. But the cashier was already too focused on sharing various DIY projects that we could do with excess plastic bags, and that was just really weird, because he was talking about how they make sturdy ropes and now I’m positive that he knows this because he’s used one on the milkmaid he’s holding hostage in his basement. We also know that he has an ex-wife and that his roommate is one of his CVS co-workers and I”m hoping that it’s the other cashier who was working that day, who was imploring people to COME ON DOOOOOOOWWWWWN to his register. So, that was an adventure. Then we lugged all of our items over to PNC Park, where we were told some of the players were milling about but admittedly none of us know a single Pirate so that didn’t really concern us. We just wanted to do our part because fuck you Trump. I also really liked how symbolic it was that the Pirates were doing this because the one thing I do know about the Pirates is that Roberto Clemente was trying to do this same thing for Nicaragua when his plane crashed. I might not be that into baseball, but I am for sure a fan of the Pirates.
    • Honestly though, why is everything so terrible. I felt guilty because I want to help everyone. Houston, Puerto Rico, Mexico City, Las Vegas…how do you choose who needs it more??  Just take all of my money. :(
      • What if one of those evangelical raptures actually happened and those of us who were Left Behind are actually living in some horrific Limbo of mass shootings, fatal acts of nature, Trump, etc etc.
  • Henry was over here the other night mouthing off about how he was using sriracha back before using sriracha was cool and is that like listening to a band before Pitchfork rates it?
  • I worked from home on Friday and boy let me tell you no one in my house ever wants to talk to me as much as they do when I’m working from home.
    • Also, I wonder if the cats noticed that I was playing the same song over and over.
  • Henry and I were about to walk into CVS the other night when some broad came over to me and asked, “Excuse me hon, are you from here?” and I was like OMG WHAT DO I SAY WHICH IS THE CORRECT ANSWER LAWD HELP ME so I blurted out “yes?” like a total stoop, waiting for her to say she needed directions or my body on ice in a bathtub but no, she wanted to know where the best place is around here to get pizza. SHOO, GIRL, YOU CAME TO THE RIGHT PLACE. I will talk to anyone about my pizza opinions. Pizzopinions? I told her Giovanni’s and Fiori’s and Henry was all, “Girl bye” and went into CVS because we have very different pizza palates. Pizzalates? No, that doesn’t work.
  • Henry was studying the Seoul subway lines and in that moment, he was Oppa Supreme.
    • Until today, when I learned a new Korean word: 빵셔틀. It means “bread shuttle” and it’s slang that Korean school bullies use to refer to the weaker kids that they make run errands for them, like they are literally shuttling around bread for the bullies. HENRY IS THE WEAKER PERSON IN MY HOUSE WHO CHOOCH AND I MAKE RUN ALL THE ERRANDS. This couldn’t be more perfect. I texted it to Henry in Korean and he put it in Google translate and sent me a screenshot with a bunch of “????”s, like he thought that I made a mistake and was trying to make me feel dumb, BUT WHO IS THE DUMB ONE NOW, BREAD SHUTTLE.
  • Three girls left Girl’s Generation, you guys. “They went from 9 to 5,” I said sadly. “Yeah, that’s not how math works,” Chooch said snidely and I yelled, “ANOTHER GIRL ALREADY LEFT EARLIER, OK!?”  Pour one out for SNSD (that’s what they’re called in Korea; try to keep up):

  • There’s this one crossing guard that I always exchange awkward and flat “good morning”s with on my way to the trolley every day. I don’t usually get much out of him in the way of personality, but on Monday, almost as an afterthought, he said to me, “You’ve lost weight, haven’t you?” and then he started to backtrack by saying, “I mean, not that you needed to, um…you know—” and I cut him off to thank him, genuinely, because I had just been looking at a recent picture of me from Amber1’s bridal shower and feeling really shitty about myself, which I try not to do anymore, but you know…we all have those days and it sucks, but sometimes you just gotta let yourself have a negative thought or 87, get it out of your system, shake it off, pound a cupcake….and then start over with a positive mindset the next day. But man, I know it’s a slippery slope making that type of observation about a woman and then having the balls to say it to her, but I really did appreciate it because I have really been working so hard and most days it seems pretty unnoticeable.
    • This wasn’t anywhere near the levels of awkward achieved by a security guard at one of old jobs who insinuated that he wouldn’t have guessed I was a vegetarian because, you know. “No, what?” I pressed, until he DREW AN HOUR GLASS SHAPE IN THE AIR WITH HIS FINGERS. Wow dude wow. I actually was pretty whatever about it but a co-worker overheard and got offended FOR ME and ended up reporting the guy. It turned into a whole thing and I got fucking interrogated by the supervisor of the security guards and I was just like, “Look, it was a dumb comment and I don’t think he even realized what he was saying” because I have had much, much, much worse said and done to me and that wasn’t something I was losing sleep over. Dude either got fired or quit, I don’t know, but I never saw him again after that, all because of a dumb comment.
      • WOW THIS BLOG POST IS SO HEAVY.

  • My mom took Chooch to Trax Farms last weekend to get autumn decorations for our house. They came back with the obligatory corn stalks and a pumpkin. After assessing the corn stalk sitch, I determined that they needed fake blood and baby doll heads. “Really?” Chooch cried, throwing his hands up in the air. “Val and I go and get nice decorations for the house and of course you want to ‘add blood’ it.” WOW AND I THOUGHT HE WAS MY KID.
    • But then a few nights later, we went on a late night stroll around Brookline (we live dangerously) and had a lively conversation about our grammar pet peeves. WOW HE’S MY KID.
      • Speaking of that, Henry used a double negative around Calvin’s impressionable 4-month-old ears and I almost castrated him right then and there. DON’T TEACH THE BABY BAD TALKING, HANK. Honestly though, I have tried an exhausting number of times to teach Henry what double negatives mean and I guess he gets it but he just doesn’t care. At least he doesn’t say “ain’t” or “yinz.”

We’ll end with a cat video because that’s just how it’s gonna be.

Sometimes Drew has to be reacquainted with her tail.

A post shared by Erin Appledale (@ohhonestlyerin) on

 

Sep 272017
 

Here’s a recap of some things that have happened at work over the last month or so.

  • The Pumpkin of International Candy Horrors is still in full effect around here. Actually, I haven’t filled it up in a while but that’s OK because there’s still stuff in there that people keep picking around and maybe I should just not refill it until they eat all the bad stuff too, right? For example, the pouch of prunes.  The last fill-up was from Lotus Foods, which I sometimes walk to on my lunch break. I was mad because there were a bunch of white assholes in the candy aisle, loudly mocking all the candy that my work friends and I have come to cherish. Sorry if your palates aren’t refined enough, dumbos. I grabbed a bag of “assorted ham” but I think it was mislabeled because it was definitely that “haw” candy I bought before which tastes like thick fruit roll-ups. They’re super good. I meant to try and get some candy when we were in Chicago but when I searched “weird candy Chicago” the only thing that stood out was this place that’s supposed to be “famous” in Chicago (what isn’t though, really) but when I went to the website, it was ALL OF THAT GROSS CANDY I bought from  the Mexican store near my house (and also some of the good candy I bought from the Mexican store near my house, but if I wanted more of that, I would just take a walk when I’m home, you know?).
    • Speaking of that Mexican store, there is this guy who works the taco cart in front (it’s wildly popular and brings ALL THE HIPSTERS and FOODIES to my town, so gross). Anyway, this guy is my secret boyfriend. I walk past him everyday because I’m, you know, always walking, and he always says hello to me in his super-flirty accent and I’m always like, “Hehehehe, hello” and he has his eyebrow pierced which normally I wouldn’t like, but you know—accent. If Henry is with me, he won’t say hello though.
      • Hi Henry.
    • Um, back to the subject of candy. One day last month, someone found a dollar on the floor and it ended up being Lauren’s. Instead of pocketing it, she said, “You know, put this aside for the candy refill,” and she gave it to me! I thought that was really nice and also , why am I not collecting money from EVERYONE.
  • One day, I was standing in line at Crazy Mocha, minding my own business like I do, when a man next to me leaned over and said, “Apologies in advance if I smell a little….musty.” Oh wow, not the pick-up line I was expecting, but OK. “I spent ALL DAY in the University of Pittsburgh library archives.” THERE IT IS. “Oh wow, ok. I don’t smell anything, don’t worry,” I said with faux-reassurance and then used my back as a conversation stopper. But no, he wasn’t done. “I never thought working in a library would leave me so smelly,” he said with absolute dryness to his voice. He wouldn’t look at me while he was speaking, either, but instead he kept his head tilted up slightly toward the ceiling, almost in a boastful stance. I nodded and then went back to scrolling through pictures of G-Dragon on Instagram because #life. “Pitt hired me because I’m fluent in French. I know the French bibliographer there,” he continued after about a minute of silence passed AND IT STILL WASNT MY TURN TO ORDER. I vaguely heard him reference Raiders of the Lost Ark but I had fucking shut down at this point. OK cool story guy, you get to work with dusty books all day. “I felt really bad for the people I sat near on the bus yesterday, having to smell me,” he said and I seriously thought he was going to press his body into my face and make me smell him, he was so obsessed!
    • The weirdest part is that while this guy didn’t smell at all, I had stormed into work the day before bitching about the old guy who was sitting next to me on the trolley and how musty he smelled, and then I had one of those weird moments where the word “musty” didn’t sound right and had I been using a fake word all these years? But I googled it and it’s a real word, so there.
  • On another episode of Erin Gets Taken For a Ride, I had just left the office one day for my lunch time stroll, when some old woman stopped me in front of our building. Something about just having taken her insulin, needs a dollar to buy some food so she doesn’t pass out…I don’t know. It all happened so fast, but she reminded me of Henry’s mom and I was like, “OK OK OK, I will get you a dollar!” I told her to stay there and I went all the way back up to the tenth floor, got a dollar out of my desk, and went back out to give it to her. But when I got there, she was talking to two young women with a baby stroller (I think there was a baby in there? I didn’t look, because babies, meh). The women were REALLY ORANGE-IN-THE-NEW-BLACK-LOOKING, you guys. Totally rough and clad in wife beaters, one had a half-shaved head, the other had barbed wire tattooed around her bicep. Just, you know…intimidating. I handed the lady a dollar and she looked at me like she didn’t know what I was doing, but that didn’t stop her from clamping onto the bill. “Oh, these are my friends,” she said, nodding at the two women, and all three of them just looked at me blankly and I was petrified because were they going to shake me down for more money?! I kind of wanted to renege and pull back my dollar but the lady was already taking out of my fingers and oh, what to do?! I know, turn and run. You guys, the way she thanked me, it was like I was PAYING HER BACK A DOLLAR THAT I OWED HER.
    • When I went back in after my break, I was telling Lauren what went down and she was like, “THIS IS WHY YOU SHOULDN’T GIVE MONEY TO PEOPLE ON THE STREET” and this was just the start of a long-winded lecture about how I shouldn’t be gullible and how that lady probably had enough ones to buy 87 orders of fries now.
    • That’s OK because it was actually LAUREN’S DOLLAR I GAVE THAT LADY, OH LOL LOL LOL!
      • I actually just saw that broad again last week, right after some businessman gave her money and a hug and I watched that con-artist wipe away her fake tears and wanted to trip her, oxygen tank and all!
  • I had a nightmare about Catherine. She was yelling at me from her office because I handed her a stack of folders and papers that I had hand-written and she hated my handwriting and felt that it was time to let me know because she just couldn’t take it anymore. So the next morning, IRL, I remembered the dream and found myself labeling a folder for her very slowly and as neat as possible. I told Glenn about this and he muttered, “Did you use your best crayon?” Ugh. I finally told Catherine about my dream later that afternoon and she exclaimed, “OMG I LOVE your handwriting though! I always have!” and I was like, “Yeah I know, my handwriting is awesome, duh.” *nail painting emoji*
  • I made Todd watch the new BTS video and he said he liked it but he doesn’t like that there are 7 of them in the group. “It’s just too many. One of them is going to end up starting a fight and then it’s all over,” he said and I was like, “Yeah, if they were AMERICAN.” I don’t let Glenn watch my Kpop videos anymore because he’s a hater and the one day I was so mad because he was mocking the boy groups again and calling G-Dragon a pretty little girl and I was about ready to blow a gasket but then Carrie came over and distracted me long enough for my heart rate to come down. SORRY I’M NOT STANNING JETHRO TULL, GLENN.
  • The day before I left for my lame Brookline vacation, Lori was like, “I want tacos. Do you want to go get tacos?” Whoever says no to tacos? Probably Trump supporters, of which I am not one so I said YES and we went to Condado and I didn’t fuck up my tacos this time  (last time I added the wrong sauce or something to my BBQ jackfruit creation and it just curb-stomped the whole flavor profile) and we also got the guac of the day which had raspberry puree in it and I never knew how much guacamole needed raspberries until that day and now I can never not eat it with raspberries. I’m just that fancy.

  • One of the new perks that come along with Friday late shifts is that we have the option to work them from home. I mean, they’re still a drag but whatever. Anyway, Amber was all, “Make sure you have Jabber set up so you can take calls” and I was like, “OK but isn’t the REAL PERK of working from home that you get to miss all of your work phone calls? No? Ok. I put it off the first several times I was working from home but then I finally decided I better get that shit straightened out even though hardly anyone ever calls me at work. I logged on, threw on my headset and called my office phone from my cell phone. Nothing. Not even white noise. Just dead silence. So I’m sitting here at work, alternating saying hello into my headset and into my phone before eventually giving up and performing a traditional Angry Erin swear-stuffed screamo song. Then I called Henry and started yelling at him too because this was somehow his fault since he’s the one who plugged the headset in for me. While I was on the phone with him, my stupid Jabber notification popped up, saying that I had an incoming call from Lauren. OH GREAT A CALL I CAN’T ANSWER! I emailed her back immediately and said, “Jabber difficulties” and then after I finished verbally castrating Henry, I called Lauren back from my cell phone and started complaining right off the bat about my dead Jabber connection. “Erin,” she interrupted me solemnly. “Something happened….” She was scaring me. Was she calling to tell me that someone knocked over my Fiji mermaid?! Did Glenn deface my G-Dragon pictures? WHA’ HAPPENED?!!? Oh, I’ll tell you what happened. When I called myself, it somehow connected to my actual desk phone at work, put itself on SPEAKER, and broadcast me saying, “hello? hello?” to the whole quadrant. Lauren said she heard my voice coming from my desk and slowly turned around, and saw that Glenn and Todd were also blankly staring at my desk. And then Ethan was all, “Isn’t Erin working from home today?” She said it was so creepy and made her instantly yearn for Season 2 of Stranger Things. “Oh my god, like I was trapped in my phone or something?” I said, and then we had a hearty laugh, but really I was half-embarrassed that happened and also super thankful that I hung up before anyone could hear the explosive cursing that followed the hellos. “I wish they had heard,” Henry sighed. “Then they’d finally know the Erin I know.”
    • I’m working from home again this Friday and still haven’t figured it out. Please don’t call me. Email only.
Aug 262017
 

I have been trying to get this dumb bulletpointed photo dump written for two weeks now but….distractions. For instance, right now I’m typing this on my phone while watching videos from KCON LA and I keep pausing to tell Henry things like “I like this song. Do you like them? This stage was better at KCON NY. That guy is from Chicago. He’s from Hong Kong.” And Henry is a better person now for knowing these things.

Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that there will be typos. And I know I’m forgetting shit that seemed so blog-worthy at the moment BUT I GUESS MY LIFE IS REALLY JUST BLAND AFTER ALL.

  • Henry bought me that difficult oatmeal again after I told him not to because it requires too much effort to make. I thought I had it down pat though, the whole “heat for 30 seconds, stir, repeat until you quit caring” technique, but then CHERYL came into the kitchen while I had my face pressed against the microwave and asked what I was doing. WHAT DOES IT LOOKS LIKE CHERYL IM BABYSITTING MY LUNCH. So she decided this was a great time to strike up a conversation and I swear I only took my eyes off the kid for a second on the playground in the microwave when it EXPLODED and I cried, “UGH CHERYL LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO!” So then I had to clean everything up which is my least favorite thing to do aside from probably getting murdered or whatever, and she was still like “Let’s talk about things!” As I was adding the mix-ins to my oatmeal (honey, cinnamon, etc) she was like, “Oh wow I never would have thought to add those things” and I felt like I was filming a COOKING SHOW, isn’t that horrifying? Me, a cooking show. Ugh. This oatmeal is not worth it.
  • I referred to one of the neighbors as a “real CU next Tuesday,” which Chooch overheard and asked what it meant. Nothing, I said, which only made him persist, eventually to the point of begging. I couldn’t believe he didn’t already know because kid knows all the bad stuff. Eventually it occurred to him that this is what the Internet is for, emergencies like this, and I could tell by his ferocious giggle fit that he had surfed the Urban Dictionary wave. “Good one, Erin” henry sighed about Chooch said that’s what he’s going to call Markie’s mom from now on.

  • We’re in the process of redecorating some areas of the house. I suggested adding blood spatter to the bathroom walls and henry said, “OK. Come here.” Snap. So far we have accomplished the wall behind the TV, and by now you know I mean that I told Henry what I want and he did it.
    https://instagram.com/p/BYPFUi1A1Ld/

  • Chris hung out with us a few Fridays ago! She brought her yarn over and worked on a project while I made her watch Weekly Idol and taught her about aegyo and Chooch kept trying to pull her away from me because that’s what he does—steals friends. At one point, he grabbed my laptop and read things in Spanish using Google translate for Chris to translate because she is fluent in Spanish and that’s what she does for work–Spanish subtitling. He started to run out of sentences to type until I giddily whispered one in his ear. He started giggling too, and read the Spanish version of it for Chris, who sighed, “See you next Tuesday.” LOLOLOLOL, Chooch and I giggled like little school girls. After Chris left that night, I said to Henry, “She’s like REALLY good at Spanish.” “Well I should hope so,” he said. “It’s her JOB.”

  • Two Sundays ago (god I’m a blogging slacker) I had a real big hunger tantrum after Chooch’s piano lesson and I’ll save you the gnarly details and skip to the end where we settled on some veg-friendly sandwich shop in Oakland. As soon as we sat down, Henry took off for the bathroom and we were like WOW OK RUDE. Of course as soon as he went in there, some yuppie lady and her little girl needed to use it at that precise moment and acted all alarmed and confused as they tried in vain to twist the doorknob. “Figures, henry went in there to poop and now there’s a line,” I said, which made Chooch have a near medical emergency called EXTREME LAUGHING SEIZURES. So then I started laughing and Chooch fed off my laughter and was crying with a red face and it was SO LOUD that I wondered if the people working there were going to think I was burning him with a lighter under the table. Thank god, aside from the yuppie mom and her little brat that had to pee, we were the the only patrons there at that time. Because shit was escalating fast (in the barroom too, I bet.) I texted Henry “Good job, you caused a line to form” and I thought Chooch actually vomit from mirth-tremors. Since this was not only about Henry but also loo-related, I texted my friend Alyson about his line-formation drama at the college sandwich shop and that made us the only three people in the world who found the humor in this.

hooch made me take a picture of the bathroom door

  • Fire on my street! This was last week, several houses down. Actually, it was Chooch’s enemy Jackie’s house and the crazy thing was the day before I ran into her and when I asked how she was doing, she sighed, “We’re all still here.” I moved to this street in 1999 and she was already living here so we’re like the only OGs left at this point. Then a day later, there was an electrical fire in her house. Luckily, no one was hurt. It happened early enough in the evening that her husband was able to catch it, but the firemen were still there for like three hours. Maybe just two. Time, like money, is not something I have a good grasp of.

  • Glenn was choking the other day at work, like for a good while. At first I was just ignoring it, but then I suddenly got a surge of giddiness. I was trying to swallow them back to the point of tears, and then I gave up. Since it was obvious at this point that I was laughing at him, I turned around and, through gurgling giggles, said, “I’m so sorry Glenn, but I literally cannot stop laughing!”. When he finally got his choking under control, he wheezed, “It’s OK, I’m fine” and then I started cracking up all over again. Am I a sociopath?
    • Usually when I start laughing at everything, that means very soon I will be crying at everything so CANT WAIT. #BipolarAmusementPark
  • I had dinner with Barb a few weeks ago, but it was hijacked by Chooch so I just sat there and sulked while he was all charming and entertaining. Ugh why can’t I be like Chooch?!

  • We still have a POS POTUS.
  • Totally falling in love with WANNA ONE. (KCON LA videos are still on ok?!)
    Target self-checkout helping Henry keep an eye on us.

  • So, I didn’t care about the eclipse. Sue me. However, it was pretty fun at work during the height of it all when the obligatory Bonnie Tyler jam was played causing our director to come out of her office and say, “Seriously if I hear his song one more time today…” But then A-Ron let some of us use his special glasses and it was actually pretty cool. But enough people posted pictures on Instagram for me to have easily been OK with not partaking. And I guess none of Chooch’s YouTubers told him about it because he had no idea it was happening until I left for work and told him, as an afterthought, not to look ip during the eclipse. I mean, if ever there was a good time to start acting like a mom, right? (I ALSO MADE HIM BREAKFAST THAT DAY TOO, SO.) HNC came over with his welders glasses for Chooch to use and when I asked him after work if he enjoyed it, he slowly said, “I….guess…?”

  • Rainier cherries and lychees, like you do. People think I only shop at the Asian markets because I’m all about Korea but the truth is that we’ve been hitting up the Asian markets for years because my fruit palate is so fucking refines, bitches. Save your bananas and grapes for your own self. (lol I’m not even actually this much of an asshole IRL I promise.)

  • The zealots have been out in full force downtown lately. I got this awesome Satan pamphlet from the Witnesses (after everyone in front of me was like NOPE) and then a few days later, I was approached for the first time ever by someone from the CHURCH OF SCIENTOLOGY! They gave me a brochure with a personality test inside and I’m going to put myself in Glenn’s shoes and fill it out. I already sent back the “SEND ME MORE INFO” portion of the Satan thing with Glenn’s address on it. Maybe I just helped him choose a path. You don’t know.

  • We randomly visited the Cathedral of Learning a few Sundays ago, right on the heels of Chooch’s and my laugh-attack over Henry causing a line-up outside of the bathroom at Unique Eats. Needless to say, we were super sensitive to everything and kept cracking up vociferously, causing Henry to go to the restroom and THEN DITCH US. He said he knew where we were the whole time because hello—-Cathedral. Our cackles echoed all over. Everyone knew where we were. I was excited to go to the Korean room though! The last time I was there, I hadn’t imprinted on Korea yet.

(After we discovered Henry, from three floors up.)

  • Yesterday, Chooch came in the house and said abruptly, “I was just thinking about Drew dying and now I want to spend all my time with her!” as big fat tears squirted out of his eyeballs. Then he collapsed on the chaise with her and straight sobbed. It was heartbreaking.

And on that note! Go hug an animal or something. Goodnight.

May 272017
 

I’ve had a mild headache for almost a day now at this point and I can’t get it to go away, and also I have been having twitching/spasming under my left eye sporadically for the last week, so I googled and now I’m certain I’m having hemifacial spasms caused by nerve damage at the base of brain, so instead of going to a doctor, I’m just going to sit here and dump out a bunch of pictures I have been collecting on my phone.

Because that’s The Erin Way.

(I also thought I had botulism for a minute after reading about the gas station nacho cheese incident, even though I haven’t eaten gas station nacho cheese since, well, maybe ever.)

  1. Pictures of Town

First, here are some recent photos I’ve taken of Pittsburgh on my lunch breaks. SHOULD I START MY FAKE TOURISM SERIES AGAIN? And by series, I mean the two “walking tour” posts I did in 2015. (Here and here if you care! It’s like taking a virtual walk with me on my lunch break and like, who wouldn’t want that? As everyone in my department raises their hands.)

I took these pictures after I accidentally walked too far into the north side and almost didn’t make it back to work.

An alley. I walk through lots of them because I prefer the GRITTY SIDE OF LIFE, OK.

I mean, how tantalizing is this, right? Put me on the Pittsburgh Tourism Board already. (CHRIS, YOU CAN BE MY TOUR DIRECTOR!!)

2. #HenryHatesHipsters

Henry finally bought a water filter for the house. For a myriad of reasons, we needed one. So he was all proud of himself for bringing home a PUR filter all on his own because he knows if he leaves it up to me, he’ll come home one day to a strapping Amish hunk manning a freshly dug well in the backyard.

YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT YOU CAN FIND ON CRAIGSLIST.

Anyway, so he installs this water filter and is all smug and feeling like an exemplary provider, man about the house. But then later that night, one of my Facebook friends was all, “Hey guys, what is the best water filter out there?” and literally, no lie, every comment was “Berkey, Berkey, Berkey!” like it was the legit Marsha Brady of filtering systems.

I like to make Henry feel like shit as often as possible, so I went upstairs and woke him up SPECIFICALLY to tell him that “everyone” (like 15 people) said he bought the wrong filter.

Then I went back downstairs. Immediately, Henry started blowing up my phone:

img_2255-1

I have so many questions.

  • How did he know the comments I read were from hipsters?
  • Why does he care so much?
  • When will he learn the difference between there/their?

Anyway, I sent this to Chris who confirmed that she and Monica also have a PUR, so I told him and he was like, “I DON’T CARE I’M NOT MAD” as the steam from his nose drove me out of the bedroom.

WOW. Take a pill, Hank.

3. Great Parenting

I was one of those people who bitched and moaned when Instagram was usurped by Facebook and riddled with sponsored ads. But, ever the hypocrite, I have bought so much shit from those sponsored ads, ugh I hate myself.

One of those things is this shirt from Wicked Clothes, bought in a size for Chooch and me to share because he LOVES SHARING CLOTHES WITH HIS MOMMY.

img_2285

Hey remember when someone called child services on me for “being a goth” and taking pictures of Chooch in a cemetery with a creepy baby doll?

I don’t know why people call me an instigator.

4. Great Parenting, Part 2

My friend Jason is an editor at Alternative Press and when he saw the video of Chooch crowd-surfing at the Emarosa show, he emailed me to see if I’d be OK with AltPress doing a little feature of it for their website. We both agreed that it would be nice to read a heart-warming, fun piece in light of the Manchester tragedy, and that maybe it could serve as a reminder that life is still good, and fun.  Chooch said he didn’t care (“As long as they don’t call me Chooch!” he stressed, lol OK wait till you read the first line, sonny boy) and I was excited because if you know me, you know I’m always on a mission to give the bands I love attention. I thought maybe it could be good exposure for Emarosa.

So the next day, it was up on their site. They asked for a brief history of how Chooch and Bradley first met, so I also provided a picture of that, from the 2015 Warped Tour (which was already Chooch’s third Warped Tour! Homeboy gets around). It was pretty cool for me to see Chooch’s face on the website of a magazine I’ve been reading since the 90s, so I shared the link on Facebook and my friends were so supportive and excited, and some of them shared it too!

What I didn’t expect was the next day, when AltPress posted the link on their Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. It was liked and shared and Retweeted by Emarosa, Bradley, other bands, other magazines…which means, of course, comments. The ones I briefly glanced at on FB were all positive, although there was someone who criticized us for not putting sunscreen on Chooch two years ago, and I didn’t reply because who cares, but in our defense, he DID have sunscreen on that day, that’s his tanline, and we had just bought that tank top and put it on him halfway through Warped Tour because his other shirt was wet….BUT I’M NOT DEFENSIVE YOU’RE DEFENSIVE.

So you know, don’t read the comment sections because that’s where you encounter the GLENNS of the world.

But the majority of the comments I did see before I had to force myself to stop looking were all so wonderful toward Emarosa, how they’re good dudes doing good things, and that was my only hope — get people talking about Emarosa.

And then my friend Bridget said it inspired her to look them up, and that made me super happy!

It was pretty surreal though, because people I only know on Instagram were tagging me on AltPress’s IG post and sending me DMs like, “This came up on my feed and I was like, ‘That looks like Chooch—wait that IS Chooch!'” So that was really fun!

Team Emarosa for life. I want them to have it all! Huge stages in huge venues! WORLD TAKEOVER! BRADLEY FOR PRESIDENT! PUT A FOX ON THE AMERICAN FLAG!

img_2250

If you want to read the full article, go here!

(Perhaps “tossed” wasn’t the best word to use, but hey — journalism, amirite?)

(Also, Chooch is 11 not 10, but he had only been 11 for less than a month when this happened so I’ll let it slide. Mostly because I didn’t feel like emailing the web editor and telling her.)

5. 고양이 Scarf!

img_2269

That means CAT scarf, for all you dumb English-speakers. Cat is also one of the only Korean words I can remember how to spell in Hangul so I try to use it constantly. Good thing I’m a 고양이 lady.

That means CAT lady, you dum-dums.

(Sorry, learning Korean is hard and is making me mean on a daily basis now. Maybe that’s why I have hemi-facial twitching. LURNING IZ HAWRD.)

****

Should we end with a Kpop video? Fuck yeah, we should. Yesterday at work, Todd was all, “Who was that guy that G-Dragon was with sometimes?” and somehow I knew he meant Taeyang because this is my life now. So I sent him the video for Ringa Linga and that prompted a passionate discussion about how Kpop blends Korean and English lyrics together, so we were talking about that and what the reasons might be for it, which made me realize that I wouldn’t mind spending my days researching these things.

“I should be a Kpop historian!” I suddenly exclaimed, my life’s purpose finally realized.

“I mean, there probably aren’t many of those,” Todd said thoughtfully, and I took that as encouragement.

“….or any,” Glenn muttered bitterly, constantly being stuck in the crossfire of our daily Kpop discussion panel.

아싸! 좋다! (That basically means ‘oh yeah! it’s good!’ – G-DRAGON says that part in this song! I just taught you something from my limited bank of Korean vocabulary!)

May 122017
 

  • I’m sorry no one loved you, apple.
  • Well it happened – Wesley’s mom fed Chooch. He came home one day last week and said, “Things got really awkward at Wesley’s. His mom asked me if I wanted a grilled cheese…..I said sure.” Wow. Mega awkward.
  • Somehow at work yesterday, Glenn, Todd, and I fell down a tennis rabbit hole. I don’t remember how it began but I mistakenly told them about the translucent yellow vinyl folder I kept stuffed with newspaper articles about Andre Agassi and pictures I had crudely drawn of him. (Crude as in amateur and terrible, he didn’t have like, weeners coming out of his mouth or anything like that.) I hate when I give them fuel like this because I know it will come up in the future as a way to make fun of me. Ugh. And then I called Aranxia Sanchez-Vicarrio beefy and those two got all up in arms about how I was essentially just calling her fat like they’re suddenly sensitive to fat-shaming, and I frantically argued that I just meant she was muscular, so Glenn said, “Then just say muscular.” “Yeah, not beefy!” Todd chimed in with his Team Aranxia pin on. Whatever!
  • Lauren asked me if there are any vegetables I’ve been eating on my Korean diet that I’d like her to try and grow and I was like FUCK YEAH BELLFLOWER so she was like “ok what is that” and I was like “……” So we started googling it and I would like to take this time to accept all of the credit for the super informative things I have accidentally been teaching my coworkers. But seriously I’m obsessed with bellflower this week.
    • Also known as doraji in Korean. Get you some.

  • Speaking of Bring Some Home For Daddy, Amber read that blog post and told me that he once tried to hug her too! But her reflexes were less lethargic than mine and she was able to sidestep his malodorous embrace.
  • Tuesday was the annual Dreaded Finger Prick day at work, a/k/a Wellness Screening. I participate every year because it does something for your health insurance, I never actually read that far into it. Anyway, Glenn and Amber get great jollies out of heckling me every year because they know how I get the vapors just thinking of the impending trauma my fingertip is about to endure. I went up the 28th floor (which gives me anxiety in and of itself) and signed in while the lady at the table was trying to make conversation with me about my name (she was confusing  my name with Erin Andrews and I just let her roll with it because my jitters made it sound like she was talking to me from inside a fishbowl and I just wanted to sit down). There was a tiny triage area and I collapsed into a seat next to my co-worker, Lucas. “I’m FREAKING OUT, LUCAS!” I said in lieu of any sort of normal salutation. And then I made him talk to me until it was his turn to go and sit behind a curtain and I was ALL ALONE beneath a leaking thought-bubble of horrible finger pricking tragedies. A few minutes later, an older man in a lab coat named Ray came over and called me back. He immediately started wringing his hands and pretended to bite his nails in  spot-on mockery of my visible nerves. “Is it that obvious?” I laughed nervously. “Oh, you’ll be fine!” he insisted, seating me in a chair facing out the window. “Look, you can see Kennywood from here,” he said, gesturing toward the window. “REALLY?” I squealed, unable to contain my gullible delight. “No,” he said, unpacking the pint-sized torture device that was able to fuck my finger to hell and back. OH RAY, YOU FUCKING CARD. His strategy worked though because he made me talk about my favorite Kennywood rides, and he asked me if I like Potato Patch fries (le duh), and it totally distracted me from the blood being pillaged from my finger.
    • J/K I totally noticed it and it hurt like a motherfucker.
    • Still, Ray was an absolute delight and the scale said I weighed three pounds less than my scale at home said that morning and all of my cholesterol-y numbers were great – and again, I say Thank You, Korea. You are changing my life in the best ways!
      • Glenn went up for the Perforation of Ye Olde Phalange and ended up getting Ray too! He claims they traded war stories about me, and Glenn told him at least he doesn’t have to sit behind me all day. :( Then Catherine went up and specifically asked for him when I told her that I weighed three pounds less on his scale, but then everyone kept getting called back before her because the lady at the table kept saying, “She’s waiting for Ray” so then finally Catherine was like FORGET RAY I JUST WANT TO GET THIS OVER WITH so she went back with some lady who, it turned out, was sharing the same scale with Ray so Catherine was happy.

img_1751

Finally, something about me is highly desirable! That sexy 2.8, boyyyyy.

  • KCON tickets went on sale today and everyone was counting down with me at work and by everyone I mean that Glenn was counting down for when Ticketmaster was going to make the tickets available and he could go back to listening to his political commentary in peace without me turning around every 30 seconds to let him know where we were in the countdown. (Todd planned his lunch break accordingly and was not in the office when this was happening.) Anyway, I got my KCON tickets! Henry is thrilled. I’M GOING TO SEE TWICE, YOU GUYS! AND G-FRIEND AND CN BLUE AND HIGHLIGHT AND ZION-T AND I’M GOING TO BE AROUND PEOPLE WHO WON’T MAKE FUN OF ME FOR LIKING THIS STUFF!
    • I think I got made fun of enough at the baby shower on Sunday to last for quite some time.  I know making fun of things you don’t understand or like is so cool, but let’s take a break, lol.
  • Chooch and I went to the grocery store with Henry last Saturday, much to his chagrin. We decided to help him at the self checkout, in spite of his cries of “NO PLZ DON’T NO, OH GOD—” and then proceeded to set off the Needs Assistance alarm three times.

  • I couldn’t find the black cardigan I usually wear with this shirt so I thought, “WWG-DW?”* and then when there wasn’t a $15,000 Chanel hot pink feathered blazer in my closet, I opted for this ballet shrug that’s been chilling in my dresser since 2000, never worn. I bought it at Express for probably $50 more than it’s worth. #bringingballetshrugsback *(What Would G-Dragon Wear)
  • Chooch has a date for a dance next week. o.O I don’t have it in me to say anything else about that right now. :(

  • I was working on my Korean studies last weekend and made it to the have/not have chapter and one of the answers was a name of a BIGBANG song! I already know this word of course, but it was so exciting to learn WHY it’s written this way. (The BIGBANG song is missing that last character up there, because their song title is informal Korean / banmal.)
  • Henry’s bringing approximately 4 weeks of laundry into the house (Chooch and I have a lot of clothes) while a bunch of teenagers are walking by so I yelled, “HENRY ASK THEM TO HELP YOU” and now he’s all embarrassed/angry/exasperated.
  • I just asked Henry if he’s going to freak out when Twice sings “TT” at KCON and he said, “No. Why would I?” Then I told him that I feel like I’m going to act extra-erin at KCON, like I think I might go super hard, dummy-style all up in the Prudential Center. Kpop makes me super hyper and giddy. 
  • Chooch texted me today when I was at work to tell me that he got straight As. So, I got KCON tickets.

That’s all for me. We’re going to Cleveland tomorrow to see Emarosa and eat food with our pal Jason so maybe I’ll liveblog / post pictures of Henry once an hour. READ IT OR DON’T.

May 042017
 

Plus random pictures. Bulletpoint posts: the true compost piles of blogging. We’ll start with a random picture of a thing in my house and go from there.

  • The other day, Chooch asked, “Remember your apple tattoo? Do you still have it?” Um you mean the one that takes up most of my upper right arm? Yes, it’s still there, son.
  • In order to get Chooch out of the house so that we could surprise him last Saturday, we arranged for Blake and Haley to take him to the gaming place on the Boulevard. I think this place is so dumb – just a room filled with TVs and computers where parents can abandon their children for hours on end, but Chooch and all his weird little friends love this place. Needless to say, Chooch has become chummy (lol, who even uses that word other than me, right now) with the guys who run the place, so Henry stopped up ahead of time and let them know the sitch. Basically, he started a tab which I didn’t even know you could do. He went back the next day to pay it, and Ed told him the total was like $43 or something. Henry was all, “OMG for what?!” So Ed showed him the long list of all of the snacks that Chooch had “purchased” in addition to the hourly rate ($5 a person – Ed is like the cheapest babysitter in town). So Henry came home and was like, “Chooch, the FUCK!?” at which point Chooch blamed Haley, and then Blake blamed Chooch, and this is just the funniest thing ever to me because Henry was so pained over it, haha.
    • When we went to visit Robbie & Nikki at the hospital after the twins were born, Chooch was all, “Robbie, do you want to go to the gaming place with me today?” Like yeah, little bro, I literally just became a dad but let me ditch the fam and sit in front of a computer for 5 hours with you.
  • Chooch is friends with these two younger kids that live on the street, and for the sake of not getting in trouble with parents, we’ll just call them J and M. Really though I’m not going to be dragging them through the mud or anything…this time. Anyway, J & M are friends with some kid from their grade named Wesley. I don’t know if he’s new or what but I haven’t heard shit about any Wesley until recently and now HE IS ALL I HEAR ABOUT. Let’s back up. Wesley lives a few streets away and I guess M & J aren’t allowed to go there alone, so they asked Super Brave and Responsible Fifth Grade Chooch to go with them one day. This was about a month ago, I guess. Chooch was reluctant, because he was already hanging out with TWO younger kids, why did he need to add a third to the crew, you know? But he went anyway, and by the time he came home he had been sufficiently infected with the Wesley Bug. “Wesley has TWO TRAMPOLINES,” he said, ruddy cheeks and out of breath from running all the way home in excitement. “AND A POODLE NAMED BELLA, A REALLY COOL OLDER BROTHER NAMED WADE, AND A MOM WHO COOKS!” So it’s been all Wesley, all the time ever since and I am like, “STFU ABOUT WESLEY AND HIS DUMB COOKING MOTHER ALREADY, GOD.” And then he started going to Wesley’s without J & M. “Wesley likes me better than them, anyway,” Chooch said all cockily the other day. “And he doesn’t act like he’s 8. He’s more mature than them.” Oh for God’s sake. So this has been going on for weeks now, this Wesley Mania. Monday night, he had JUST walked into the house after returning from Wesley’s when his phone rang. He answered it and put it on speaker which I absolutely hate, and without any salutation whatsoever, J’s whiny voice blasted through the speaker: “So you went to Wesley’s.” WOW. OK, POSSESSIVE. So Chooch hung up on him immediately and said, “Ugh, I thought I blocked him.” So then they had a text-fight, which had Chooch defending himself like a wife who can’t be trusted: “Oh, so now I need your permission to go to Wesley’s?” he texted, and the feud culminated with J texting: “Do you want to come over?” Ugh kids.
    • But really though: Wesley and Wade?

  • We took Henry’s mom to Bob Evans (I originally typed Bob’s Evan. Someone send my brain to the beach please) for her birthday the other night. On the way out, she picked up a jar out of a barrel and asked, “How much sodium do you think is in this?” Henry squinted at it and said, “Mom, that’s a candle.” We all had a good laugh, but then a few moments later, in the parking lot, she asked earnestly, “No but really, what’s worse – a lot of sodium, or a lot of salt?”
  • I’ve been taking turmeric supplement things for the last month or so, after several people recommended it. At first, Henry was like, “I AM NOT BUYING THIS, THAT’S DUMB” but then his mom randomly mentioned one day that she’s been taking turmeric because some talk show or Steve Harvey told her too, so now suddenly it’s not some witch doctor bullshit drug that can’t be trusted, so he bought me a bottle.  Today, after choking back my daily dose, I held the bottle up and said to Glenn, “I don’t feel any different at all.” He asked how long I had been taking them and I told him a month or so but admitted that there were days that I forgot, of course. “Well, what’s it supposed to do?” he asked, so I read the thing about helping with inflammation that’s all big and bold on the bottle. “But, I’m not particularly inflamed, though,” I said with a shrug, realizing that perhaps I didn’t need turmeric’s help after all. “No, you’re just inflaming,” Glenn muttered.
  • I CANT BELIEVE I AM GOING TO BE UNDER THE SAME ROOF AS G-DRAGON.
  • Todd lost his ID badge (literally days after saving it from falling into a sewer grate which I just think is the funniest thing ever) so he asked me to go with him to Reception so he could get a temporary one. Look – I get it. I hate going to other floors alone too. Our department doesn’t really mingle much with other floors. Anyway, the receptionist asked me, “Do you need one too, or are you guys just traveling together?” For some reason, this made me laugh, because I started picturing us backpacking throughout the law firm.
    • “I don’t see you lasting very long as a backpacker,” Glenn said when I told him about this the next day. (LOOK, IT FELT LIKE A GREAT STORY AT THE TIME OK.) “Yeah I know. My backpack would just be filled with junk,” I said in total agreement.
      • Interestingly, this was the second time that day I found myself in a conversation about backpacks. The first was earlier that morning when I told Lauren that my high school backpack was full of toys. She wasn’t surprised.

  • One of my co-workers is grooming me to take over editing our department’s Wiki page after she retires. I don’t want to make it sound like it’s a big deal but it’s a big deal ok. Anyway, she was off several days last week so I thought it would be fun to replace the WELCOME SPRING picture with a picture of my horrible candy bowl, with the caption “Come get some.” It lasted two days before Cheryl came back and replaced it. My group had our weekly meeting on Monday and My Favorite Work Friend Amber (and this has nothing to do with the fact that she has the ability to deny my PTO requests now) thanked me for revamping our group’s reference page, which launched me on a crybaby tangent about how apparently I can be given rights to edit all this shit but god forbid I should ever change the picture. “Cheryl took down my pumpkin and replaced it with some dumb, generic tree,” I whined. The next day, I found out from Glenn that the “dumb, generic” tree picture was Gayle’s and I know this because he forwarded me an email from her that said “That dumb generic tree picture is mine.”  OOPS SORRY GAYLE but this is very funny to me now! I told Henry and when I couldn’t stop laughing, he was like, “how do you have any friends at work?” Apparently Lauren knew this also and said she didn’t have a chance to kick me before I went any deeper into my freshly dug grave.
  • Sometime after buying MY G-DRAGON TICKETS on Tuesday, I was walking back from the kitchen when Amber, who was ahead of me, stopped and asked if Henry and I booked a hotel yet for the show. “No, but I’d sleep on someone’s floor if I had to, I don’t even care!” I said, still riding that high of snagging VIP tickets. “What if you slept on G-DRAGON’s floor?” Amber goaded, and then I got all dreamy-eyed and weird and yelled, “Ugh, why did you have to say that now I can’t stop thinking about G-Dragon’s floor!” and this was right as we rounded the corner to where our desks are, so Glenn heard the tail-end. “How long do we have to hear about this?” he asked in annoyance. “She started it!” I cried, pointing at Amber. “I was just walking along quietly and she brought it up!” UGH.
  • The other day, I popped into CVS on my break and the old lady at he register flipped out over my phone case and started calling her co-workers over to see it. The manager, a youngish guy somewhere in his 20s I guess, asked my permission  to Snapchat it and I was like, “Go for it?” I’ve had it for over a year so it’s a bit worn, but here it is:

  • Speaking of my phone, I actually left it on my desk when I left yesterday and had to come back up to get it. Lori was like HOW. I’m mean really, this case makes my phone 3x bigger it feels like yet I still somehow left without it
  • Remember when I wasted 7 years of my life obsessing over Jonny Craig, completely unaware that G-Dragon was only 6,781 miles away? LE SIGH.
  • The other day, Chooch came home (from Wesley’s, ugh) and his hand was bleeding but he didn’t know why. While Henry was calmly asking him questions (such as “did you fall”), I was busy screaming, “STIGMATA!”
  • Todd just sadly admitted that some of this Kpop stuff is sticking with him and that if he mentioned it to any of his friends they’d be like, “…………..”
  • I’m really excited for Henry to stand in the pit at this G-Dragon show and wave a light stick.  “He should just use a lighter. Maybe there’s an open flame rule and he can get kicked out. Tell him to start planning ahead,” Glenn suggested after I showed him pictures of what light sticks are in the Kpop world.

  • OMG you guys! Last night, Chooch and I went for a walk to the boulevard when guess who we ran into?! DAVID FUCKERBITCH. Chooch was like, “Oh god no, please don’t, oh god” but it was too late – I had whipped out my best glare and wouldn’t let him out of my sight. He was on his bike with some other hooligan, and he kept trying to get Chooch’s attention but Chooch was all, “NOT TODAY. NOT WITH MY MOM. SHE’S A LOOSE CANNON” so he pulled me into CVS and away from conflict, but not before I loudly said, “THEY LOOK LIKE HOOLIGANS” which is clearly my favorite word to use in this situation. Chooch just rolled his eyes and we moved on with our lives, until after CVS when we continued down the boulevard to go to Scoops, and DAVID LOSERVILLE was back, tooling around on his bike in front of the Las Palmas taco cart. We were waiting to cross the street when he wheeled on over to us, licking his FunDip or whatever dumb candy he had that was turning his vulgar tongue blue. He just sat there, leaning on the handlebars of his bike, staring and smiling at Chooch, trying to get a  reaction from her. “Is there a problem?” I asked, causing Chooch to groan. “No, I’m just going to stare at him until he looks at me,” David Toothrot replied in an obnoxiously sing-song voice. “AWKWARD,” I said, as the light turned and we were finally able to cross the street. “YOU JUST MADE IT WORSE,” Chooch spat. “As if it’s not already bad enough that I’m walking down the boulevard WITH MY MOM.” OMG ew, shut your face, Chooch! I’m way cooler than a mom. And besides, we were going to get ice cream while David BrokedownBike was out there, I don’t know, panhandling or whatever it was he was doing. It was 8:30 at night – GO HOME KID.
    • By the time we got home, I was so amped up over this run-in. I excitedly filled in Henry, who just frowned and said, “Wow Erin, that’s great. Are you happy now?” WHY YES, I AM.
    • I came to work and told Glenn and Todd, and they were just like, “Wow. Way to bully a fifth grader.” Then Todd said I should create a fake Instagram, like I’m a kid, so I can bully him and I was like, “THAT’S A GREAT IDEA I COULD CATFISH HIM TOO” and Todd quickly said, “I WAS KIDDING DON’T DO THAT!” while Glenn was like, I don’t know, beating his head off the desk.
  • I decided a few hours ago that I was going to be nice to Wendy today but then just now I told her she’s dumb, so maybe I’ll try again tomorrow. It should be easy since she won’t be here.

And we’ll end on a beautiful G-Dragon note because I’M GOING TO SEE HIM ON BIRTHDAY.

Apr 232017
 

Well, I guess we’re due for another bullet-point blog post. I’ve thrown in some cat pictures too because I know how to keep my reader(s) happy….?

  • I’m not really into podcasts simply because my attention span is no bueno. I know a lot of people who can listen to them at work but I can’t even listen to music at work because I’m already just so-so at my job and I’m one of those people who can barely walk and chew gum at the same time, so….Anyway my point is that in order to listen to a podcast, I have to be not doing anything else. But I really wanted to listen to S-Town because I was a fan of Serial. I had to actually sit still for approx. 7 hours over the last week in order to take this all in, but it was worth it. I know a lot of people were disappointed with the way in panned out, but I thought it was captivating and although it left me absolutely panicked about the passing of time, I thought it was an incredibly engaging narrative and would recommend it. But if you hate it, I didn’t make it, so…

  • Chooch is too cool for selfies with mommy now I guess. We had a fight Saturday morning because he said I don’t have any friends and when I defensively whined that I have a lot of friends (a lie), he smugly retorted, “Yeah but now most of them are mine.” UGH it’s true though.  It’s his goddamn Charles Manson charisma.

  • When Chooch tried to make galaxy cupcakes and then realized the actual icing part was going to take effort so he said fuck it.

  • Our porch is so great for relaxing, and it has also provided me with a new opportunity to try my hand at parenting succulents again. For some reason, the cats don’t seem to bother my plants on the back porch (KNOCK ON WOOD) so I’ve been slowly trying to built my plant fam back up. We’ll see how long it lasts.

  • I brought in pineapple and lotus root for my work snack last week and it caused a commotion.  Not really, but todd came over to ask me a question and then said, “OK, what is that?” So I told him (he mumbled “of course it is”) and then Lauren came over because she wanted to see and then we talked about lotus root for maybe fifteen minutes. That was fun.

  • Speaking of lotus root, we got another great haul at the Asian market today. Above, please notice the photo of Henry plucking mysterious roots from a bin. “I don’t know what these are but I always see people buying them.” WE ARE FOLLOWERS. Anyway, the super jovial woman who checked us out asked if we knew what they we were and we sheepishly shook our heads. “Baby taro! Steam them, so good!” So guess what Henry’s doing tonight?! Also, I love taro so what a serendipitous Asian grocery experience. I also got some more savory snacks for work and I was able to read a bunch of Korean noodle packages so I’m FLYING HIGH ON THIS APRIL SUNDAY.
  • The Riot Fest lineup was announced last week. I’ve had my ticket since December so I wasn’t caught up in the flurry to buy tickets but I have to say, I feel kind of underwhelmed about it this year. The main bands are legit, but I’m usually so stoked for the lower-tiered bands as well and there just aren’t that many stoking my fire. BUT – Kara is going with us this time so THAT is what I’m most excited about!
  • I must really be caught on the Hallyu Wave because while everyone else is fanning themselves over the Riot Fest lineup, I’m over here watching vlogs of past KCONs, desperate to snag tickets when they go on sale next month. This world is so different from what I’m used to. I WANT TO SCORE A HI-TOUCH OPPORTUNITY FOR TWICE AND/OR CNBLUE, ahhhhhhhhh.  TT.TT

  • The only thing keeping me from crying 24:7 over the Orange Embarrasment is all the clever memes and signs I see everyday. This Pink Floyd one is the best. LOOK AT THE TINY HANDS. Henry doesn’t like this though because he thinks it’s insulting to Pink Floyd.
  • Chooch just stumbled across some of my old email addresses and is flipping out. “PoopAndPee?! Really?! You are literally so immature!” These were just my Comcast email addresses – if he ever sees the 50+ gmail addresses I’ve enmassed he’s going to put himself up for adoption. Or maybe just be full of pride.

  • I’ve been trying not to be all HI GUYS WELCOME TO MY WEIGHTLOSS JOURNEY but I today I put on this shirt that I bought when Janna and I went to see the Corpse Flower bloom at Phipps in 2013 and I accidentally bought a youth medium commemorative shirt. I was so sad when I got home and realized my mistake so I punched it into the back of my dresser and moved on with life. Today I tried it on and it fit! THANK YOU KPOPX, K-KARDIO, and MY OFF-THE-CUFF KOREAN FOOD DIET. This is the greatest I’ve felt since I was probably 20, i.e. before I started dating Henry and he turned me into a fat lard to keep me from leaving him. J/k. It was my fault (see: depression, low self worth, poor relationship with food). I’m a huge advocate for dancing to Kpop for weight loss. Come talk to me about it!

  • Ugh, yesterday Henry and I were strolling around Brookline when I picked up a rushed can of beer off the street, not only because it was Earth Day, but because FUCK LITTER every day*. Anyway, I forgot that the nearest garbage can was two blocks away so I got stuck clutching this gross can with the tips of two fingers, trying to hide it behind my back so it didn’t like I was a typical Yinzer, day-drinking on the sidewalks of Brookline. Some of it dripped on my foot and I wanted to cry, but I did this for YOU, Mother Earth.
    • Also, let it be known that before I picked it up, Henry kicked it and kept walking.
    • *When I was 13, we had a French foreign exchange student staying with us. His name was Laurent and he was 15 at the time. One day over the summer, we were going to the zoo, and he put down the passenger window in order to throw out his McDonald’s straw wrapper. From the backseat, I grabbed him by the back of the shirt and said, “I don’t know what you guys do in FRANCE, but we don’t litter in AMERICA.” (What a lie” our country is jam-packed with garbage, and it comes in people-form too.) But yeah, don’t fuck with the Overseer of Clean Streets.

  • The other day at work, I was lamenting about how I’ve never seen a ghost. “Don’t you think it’s weird that I’ve never been haunted?” I asked out loud, to everyone and no one in particular. “That’s because you’re on the haunting end,” Glenn muttered, and I will accept that as a compliment, thanks Glenn.
  • Lately, I have been trying to use Hangul hashtags so that I can make more friends on Instagram from Korea, because I have found that trying to translate Instagram captions has been a helpful supplement to my Talk to Me in Korean lessons, which are hard. But! Knowing how to read Hangul is half the battle and I get so excited when we’re watching things on Drama Fever and I recognize words. I mean, I’m not that good at English so even if I can get to the point where I can say, “I know Korean but I’m not good,” I’ll be, well, good.
  • Chooch will be 11 on Tuesday and I’m so sad. He’s more than halfway to out of the house, and lately he’s been showing an interest in CMU so I’m already panicking about that, like please get yourself a scholarship, boy.

I’ll end with a picture of Drew in a basket. Later this week, please look forward to a post about Chooch’s birthday dinner and more Lunchbreak Tales. Possibly an office candy review, as well. I know. How will you sleep tonight.

Apr 142017
 

It’s Good Friday. Would it be crossing the line if I made you guys pretend these bullet points are crucifix nails? Also, enjoy some random pictures of Pittsburgh in the springtime.

  • Henry and I have been going round and round for the last two weeks. Over almonds! Of all things. Every time he goes to the store, he asks me what I want, and I’m like, “Almonds.” A meager request! But then he comes home and I’m like where are my almonds and he’s all blank stare which means his synapses are tripping over themselves trying to send a legit excuse to his brain. So the first two times this happened, he was all, “I forgot” and then the next time, he was all, “THEY ARE EXPENSIVE.” This seemed like a lame excuse so I started a fight with him, because that’s what I do: start fights and prevent him from sleeping. Everyone knows that. Anyway, on Monday, I went to CVS because I had nothing to eat for lunch and figured I should buy some more oatmeal which is one of the few things I can be bothered to prepare on my own, and while I was there, I thought, “I will also get almonds, fuck you Henry.” And holy shit, guys, almonds are fucking expensive! I mean, I don’t really know the value of a dollar or economics or even how to count money, really, but $9 for a small bag of almonds seemed a bit astronomical to me. So I bought pecans instead and even those seemed like a lot of money, what is this world coming to. I came back to work and had SO MUCH TO SAY about this. “I thought almonds were just like, basic. Like peanuts!” I cried, and Glenn just frowned and said no. Todd put his earphones in because he didn’t feel like contributing, I guess. I was very distraught about this and no one cared, but I bet BARB would have cared if she still worked there. She probably would have come in the next day with an almond-filled sack slung over her shoulders, like the Santa Claus of Seeds.
    • In other CVS news, when I was waiting to check out, the manager came back in from her smoke break (presumably) and literally yelled, “JOHN! Oh my god, JOHN! You didn’t think to ask for help!?” John, the lone cashier, barely glanced up from the change he was counting, therefor didn’t realized that the line had grown exponentially since he started ringing up his current customer. “You didn’t notice this MAGNIFICENT line?!” the manager hollered, gesturing wildly to us haggard people trying to get shit done on our lunch break. John just shrugged and calmly handed his customer their receipt and called the next person in line. Meanwhile, after calling for “Amy’s” assistance (she told her the line had 30 people in it — FALSE), the manager opened the register next to his and I was the lucky person who drew her number. “I’m so sorry!” she loudly apologized to me. “I have NO IDEA how he didn’t notice this line!” Poor John was just standing there, trying to block her out, trying to do his job, trying to enjoy being a middle-aged man in a graying pony tail. “Honestly, it just kind of happened all at once,” I said in John’s defense, because suddenly I’m not the person who gets irate when standing in line anymore? The manager looked at me, a real hard look directly into my eyes, trying to see if she could detect bullshit, like who is this dumb bitch with the audacity to defend JOHN, right? “Well, we’ll let him off the hook this time, since you said it all happened at once,” she said with A WINK while handing me by bag of oatmeal and not-almonds. UGH, we didn’t just BOND over that, so don’t wink at me, weirdo. Poor John. I hope he went home and at least got a handjob that night.

  • Sometimes at work, we get high school interns or something, I don’t know what they are, but they’re usually following around the people from the mail room and it’s kind of cute at first but then I just feel sorry for myself because these kids still have a chance, you know? LE SIGH. Anyway, one of the mail guys was carting around some girl a few weeks ago and I vaguely noticed her in my periphery. I didn’t really think much of it until a few days later when she was patrolling our floor for mail all on our own. I went over to Todd’s desk after she rounded the corner and said, ‘Wow, that high school kid walks around here with more confidence than any of the actual mail people!” Todd gave me some neutral reply and then we went about our business. A few days later, I noticed she was STILL there, which I thought was weird because I don’t remember those kids ever lasting very long. So that’s when I was like….is this not a teenager? Todd was all, “Man, I had no idea WHAT you were talking about that day. That girl is like in HER THIRTIES.” And then the next time she walked by, I got a real good look at her, and just started cracking up because there is literally nothing about her that even remotely suggests she could be in high school. MY EYES ARE THAT BAD. Even Lauren admitted that she was concerned for me. “And they also never let those high school interns go rogue,” she pointed out, which I think was her gentle way of calling me a dumbass. I started thinking of this while I was doing KpopX the other night, and I started laughing so hard that I almost peed my pants during a rigorous “Boombayah” routine. “It’s not funny,” Henry said. “You sincerely need to get your eyes checked.”

  • Speaking of KpopX, my new shirt came in the mail and I LOVE LOVE LOVE IT. I almost knocked Henry to the ground in my haste to get the package open. No, not his package. The actual KpopX package, straight from Singapore. (Not Korea, sadly.) I took these stereotypical pictures even though it’s something I would generally roll my eyes at, just because I wanted to tag Maddy (FROM KPOPX!!) in them on Instagram. I’m a suck-up.

  • My friend Stacey was recently in San Antonio and sent me this picture because she knew it would make me laugh. <3
  • “Don’t think it’s weird that I’ve never been haunted by anything?” I asked my co-workers out of the blue the other day. “That’s because you’re on the haunting end of things,” Glenn muttered. THIS IS THE NICEST THING HE’S EVER SAID TO ME.
  • Meanwhile, Todd broke my heart because he said he likes BTS better than BIGBANG. (It’s a Kpop thing. You wouldn’t understand.)

  • The abortion protestors must be on vacation because I didn’t see them at all this week, except for one lady who was KNEELING ON THE GROUND and praying in front of Planned Parenthood today, like get the fuck over yourself. I was on the phone with Henry and as I walked by, I VERY LOUDLY said, “Oh my god this ABORTION PROTESTOR IS PRAYING, GET A LIFE” because that’s how I operate: feel of passive aggressive indignation. Last week, some old priest was pacing in front of Planned Parenthood, holding a cross and praying and I was like, “OMG YOU’RE SO COOL” and he MIGHT have heard me. I hate those people. They recruited some young girl with blue hair, like she’s going to help convert the Satan-y, alternative types. She tried to give me a brochure once and I hissed.
    • One time, years and years ago, like pre-Chooch years ago, there were pro life d-bags protesting at the church across the street from my house. They were wearing those tacky sandwich boards with various depictions of fetuses splayed across, so Robbie and I decided to open the windows and blast Marilyn Manson. Henry got very upset about this and told us we were being childish (to be fair, Robbie actually was a child at that time, so….).

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The look I give Planned Parenthood protestors.

  • Todd, Lauren, and I had a really deep conversation about moths yesterday. 

  • I got my passport renewed yesterday just in time for 87 different conflicts to heat up in the world. There might not be anywhere left that’s safe to travel to soon, but at least there’s one more ugly picture of me out there.
  • After work today, I was walking through Market Square when I saw some guy laying on the ground surrounded my paper towels. A small crowd had gathered and the popo had just rolled up. One of those lame bicycle cops strode over in his dumb bike hat and asked the prostrate man’s friends, “Is he OD’ing? Alcohol?” “No, he just um, fell and hit his head,” one of the accomplices said, while a BOTTLE OF LIQUOR was on the ground right next to their downed friend. Good job, guys.
    • I was telling Henry about what I saw after I got in the car and he was all, “Oh, I saw two guys running past the car with paper towels a few minutes before you got here” and I thought that was so cool that we both saw two different parts of the scene so then I started obsessing over it because there isn’t enough substance in my brain to keep me from dwelling on things that don’t matter.

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  • I have Post-It notes all over my desk to help me with my Korean. So like, I have one on my phone that says phone in Hangul, etc. There’s one on the audit lamp, too, and yesterday, Todd was at his desk and said “lamp” out loud in Korean! I was so excited because he was looking at the Post-It on it the other day and I was teaching him how to pronounce it, so with my hands on my chest, I cried out, “Oh my god, you remembered!” Maybe I really CAN be a teacher after all, right? But then Todd laughed and said, “God no, it’s called Google Translate and it’s right in front of me.” :(

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  • My favorite part about Chooch bringing flowers home is trying to guess from whose yard they were thieved. He just had another row with Jackie the Witch today so I’m going to guess her flowers are next on the list. It was a huge ordeal apparently- she made Jayden cry and Chooch came to me with 4 kids in his wake, hysterically recapping the latest “GET OFF MY LAWN” episode and this one kid was like LOSING HIS MIND, he was so angry. I let them all vent and then basically said, “Cool story, get off my lawn.” Look, Henry was almost done making my tteokbokki and I wanted to eat, not get in some pointless screaming match with JACKIE. Anyway, I think this is just karma because when I was first moved here, Jackie’s son was Chooch’s age and he ANNOYED THE FUCK out of me. Somehow, all of the neighbor kids used to congregate on my porch—OK, not “somehow.” It was clearly because I was the cool 20-year-old on the block. Chooch wanted to throw that in Jackie’s face. “I should have said, ‘Yeah, well, you should worry about your own son and whose yard he’s on!'” OK Chooch, but that was 17 years ago (OMG I’ve lived here a long time) so that doesn’t really hold up.
    • My favorite part about Chooch’s reenactments of his conflicts is when he says, “And then I said [insert obscenity-laden, brazen retort], OK fine, I just thought that in my head. What I really said was ‘ I DIDN’T DO IT.'” He never does anything, you guys. It’s obviously Drop Dead Fred.

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  • I noticed a sign in the window of Rock n Joe’s the other day, boasting their lavender lattes. Lavender lattes are my favorites, tied with maple! Crazy Mocha is where I usually go for my lavender fix, but I decided to give Rock n Joe’s a try even though I think they’re overpriced and gimmicky. So I rolled up in there yesterday on my break, about fifteen minutes before they closed. I walked in to an empty joint, all prepared to order, but the guy behind the counter had to finish his text first. You know how important that is when you’re AT WORK. I hold up one finger all the time when my boss comes over to ask me something, like just a second, lemme just finish telling Henry that G-Dragon’s solo concert in Seoul sold out in 8 minutes, thanks. I let this dumbass finish and then when I tried to order my little slice of lavender heaven, he did the sad face/head tilt before saying, “I’m sorry, we’re all out of lavender syrup. We’ll have more tomorrow.” And then he waited for me to order something else, and normally I would have ordered something I didn’t even want because it’s in my nature to feel obligated by society, but you know what I said? “Maybe I’ll come back tomorrow, then.” Well, today is tomorrow and do you think I went back? NO I DIDNT. “Wow, you sure showed him,” Henry said when I called him at work to tell him this amazing story.

I think that’s all I have. But before I go, here’s a kpop video! These guys will be at KCON and I want to go so bad and I even already requested off work but I have a feeling I’ll never be able to get tickets. Anyway, I like them mostly because their singer has been on Running Man a whole bunch of times and he is just so dreamy.

But no seriously, I have never related to Korean college girls so much before in my life.

 

Mar 242017
 

  1. GET OUT: Chooch and I went to see Get Out at the Hollywood Theater last Sunday. The people behind the snack counter kind of gave Chooch a questionable once-over, which always happens when we roll up to the horror movie. But it wasn’t too bad as far as gore or sex goes, and the social commentary was so very relevant, which gave us a lot to talk about afterward. My favorite part was when there was a (super explicit) Jeffrey Dahmer reference and Chooch was like, “Yeah, I know who that is, yawn” — it was a very weird mixture of proud parent moment and WHAT HAVE I DONE TO THIS KID. Oh yeah, Janna and her friend Jeremy were also there, but he was having some type of domestic drama and spent most of the time texting while Janna hovered over him and I’m not even sure if either of them watched the movie, so it was pretty annoying. But yeah – Get Out! It was good.

2. HANGUL: This has nothing to do with the above picture of Drew, but I know Hangul now! Granted, I have no idea what I’m saying/reading most of the time, but it’s a good starting point. I’ve been trying to read song lyrics all week and now I can write BIGBANG and oppa in Hangul! And also, on the way to work this morning, Maddy from KpopX posted pictures of the new shirts that are for sale, and beneath KpopX was a line of Hangul. It took me a few seconds of sounding it out in my head, but then I screamed, “FIGHTING! Henry, it says FIGHTING! I COULD READ IT!!” and he was like, ‘That’s great, get the fuck out of the car and go to work.” So then I ran inside and shoved my phone in Amber and Todd’s faces to show them my new trick and I think they may have been genuinely impressed. Later, I sent them all a video on patbingsoo, because red bean has been QUITE CONTROVERSIAL up in the law firm lately (see #4), and then I went out on my break, and while I was out there on my break, pacing about the streets of Pittsburgh, I started thinking of the sounds of patbingsoo and tried to picture it written in Hangul. I’m still at “pen and paper” levels of this lesson though and can’t yet visualize the sounds, so when I came back to work, I grabbed my Korean notebook. As I scribbled out the Hangul characters 팥빙수, I thought to myself, “This is probably wrong, but at least it’s a starting point.” So I wrote out what I thought it might be and then looked it up online AND I WAS RIGHT?!?! I was so excited that I cried out my achievement to Lauren, who asked if she could see it written out, so I took my notebook over to her and she was like *supportive words!* and it was a very nice, encouraging moment. Someone on Instagram told me that they lived in Korea for a year and barely learned it, so I’m determined to keep going. It definitely isn’t easy, but even the very very very little I have learned so far has been worth it. Henry said my obsessions are annoying, and I’m like ㅗㅗ. 

3. RUNNING MAN: Oh my god, Running Man. Henry and I watch it every day and laugh so hard. Sometimes Henry gets so excited, that he has to stand up! (Sike. I have no idea why he’s standing in this picture. I think he just came home from the store and stopped to see what was going on, who knows. HENRY IS A MYSTERY.) But this show has been helping me practice Korean and I’m so attached to the RM members which always happens to me so then when it inevitably ends, I’m going to need antidepressants probably. My favorite is Ha Ha and I can spell his name because it’s only like the same two characters repeated. I’m remedial, OK?! I made Glenn watch a clip from one of my favorite episodes but didn’t realize I sent him without subtitles so even though he was SORT OF laughing, he was angry that he couldn’t understand it. I should send Todd a clip and send him down the rabbit hole, like when I sent him a Bledfest video and then he spent the next hour watching videos of guys hardcore dancing. I’m good at brainwashing my co-workers. 

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4. INTERNATIONAL CANDY: I already mentioned my Halloween pumpkin full of Asian sweets on here, but I added some additional international flavor to the mix this past week with an assortment of what we believe to be Russian confections? Some type of Eastern European? Greek? I don’t know, but I purchased them at the international market next to the Hollywood Theater (Janna’s d-bag friend was like, “What makes this candy special?” and I was like “LOOK AT THE WRAPPERS, IDIOT.” God, that guy suxxxxxx. Anyway, the general consensus of the Russian chocolates was “they’re OK,” with some “ew”s and “it’s strange” thrown into the mix. Wendy spit one out, and I will admit that there was one I had that had jelly inside, like a thick, gooey block of cheap-tasting gummy, and I wanted to spit it out but this candy was inexplicably expensive so I swallowed and had so many regrets. Lauren thought that they were OK until she heard me tell someone that it was like “not-quite-chocolate” and then after that it never tasted right to her. Sad chocolate, is what it was. Meanwhile, Gayle had apparently tried one of the White Rabbit red bean taffys and had a LOT to opine. “It was PUTRID!” she said, folding up her face into an anti-red bean pamphlet. “Well, don’t eat it then!” I said all huffily, and the air in our quadrant immediately grew pregnant with tension. She went on to say more disparaging things, and I yelled, “YOU’RE OFFENDING ME. THERE’S AN ENTIRE COUNTRY THAT LOVES RED BEAN!” and Gayle calmly said, “Well, they can have it!” before walking away. I was so incensed! Like I had cooked and pulled that fucking taffy in my own kitchen! With my own muscles! Glenn muttered something about hostile work environment and Lauren was like “…….” and I can’t remember who else was standing there now but I know my face was red and I can’t believe I was so upset about this! “That was like an affront to your people,” Glenn said, and I know he was probably joking but EVEN SO, HE WAS RIGHT. I am so protective of S. Korea. Anyway, this facilitated an entire conversation about red bean and adventurous candy later that afternoon, and three people (Lauren, Lori, and Amber) tried the red bean taffy and while they weren’t exactly breaking out into Mentos commercial reenactments, they all admitted that it wasn’t bad at all! I mean sure, the weird, translucent, flaky wrapping on it is mildly concerning, but I’ve been ingesting it for several weeks now and I don’t think I’ve experienced any internal bleeding or whatnot. I’ve been trying to explain that red bean is used in a ton of Korean desserts, and I think that the next logical step is for me to bring in some Samanco! (I’m going to make you try it, GAYLE!!!)

Meanwhile, Wendy rejected the preserved kumquats because she felt like she was eating flesh, so then I mistakenly relayed this info to Todd, who decided he had to try one after that and AGREED WITH WENDY, saying he felt like he was chewing on an earlobe, which concerned Lauren because it was so oddly specific. The Hi-Chews have been a big hit though. Wendy used her shirt as a shopping bag after discovering them, walking off with a fistful of candy nice and snug in her makeshift shirt-bag. 

Candy brings us all together, you guys. 

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Lots of words, little substance. The usual!

안양 !

Mar 172017
 

  • I woke up the other night to a commotion that had Boots’ name written all over it. I sincerely thought he was back next door and my heart started racing. Should I call the police? Grab my battle ax? Weep quietly in the shower? But turns out it was just my asshole cats recreating the sounds of a construction site with their tiny but mighty bodies. Honestly, how are such small creatures so destructive? They pretty much knocked over anything in Chooch’s room that wasn’t bolted down, and even managed to move my desk chair. Granted, I didn’t actually SEE them doing this so it could have very well been a poltergeist or the Man in the Attic. But Drew looked really fucking guilty when I confronted her in the morning.

  • At Crazy Mocha the other day, the barista stared at me quietly after I placed my order and said, “Your hair almost blends right into your coat.” And then there was another pregnant pause while she gave my hair/coat combo another once-over before finally making my fucking latte, and I spent that time giving myself 7 chins while looking down to see what she was seeing. And that’s when I realized that SHE WAS RIGHT. My coat has tan faux-fur on it, but the coarse kind, like a lion’s mane, and it appears to be an extension of my hair. This made me kind of happy because I’m a Leo and I’ve been told before that I look like a lion so roar, motherfuckers. (I still think I look like a turtle though.)
    • Also, file this under Awkward Crazy Mocha Convos. I should just start a category for that on here because they happen so frequently.

  • Henry still takes an abundance of naps.
  • We’re going to Cleveland tomorrow for a succulent convention which is great except that I can’t bring any succulents into the house anymore (see first bullet point re: tiny bulldozers). However, I’m really excited because we’re probably going to go to Melt and I love Melt because do you know me? Grilled cheese would be my last meal if I was on death row. Also, Melt is ultra accommodating to vegetarians, OH WHICH I AM. I know it’s hard to remember all the things I am when I don’t hashtag my shit constantly. “There are only, like, two grilled cheeses on the menu that can’t be made vegetarian and guess what one is?!” I cried to Amber and Glenn. Glenn didn’t take the bait, but Amber said slowly, “Um….is it something Korean?” “YES it’s the KOREAN BBQ” I wailed. All of the other meat/chicken ones can be made with seitan or other soy-based meat substitutes SO WHY NOT THE KOREAN BBQ. Ugh, I just  know that’s what Henry is going to order, too.

  • I wore green today even though St. Patrick’s Day got no jams in my book. (THAT MEANS IT’S NO FUN FOR ME. #kpopslang)
  • OMG last week, Henry causally told me that he drove a school bus for a month in 1989!? And he never, until now, found that this was significant enough to tell me?! Anyway, the route he drove was through one of the worst neighborhoods in the city and he said it was awful, and luckily he got a different job and was able to quit. (Henry’s one of those Adults who never quits a job without having another one lined up – I have never once done that, lol. I’m like I QUIT and then I get home and it’s like OH FUCK.) Anyway, I couldn’t stop laughing about this. It was almost as funny as the time he told me he was a paperboy or when he mentioned that the apartment he had before he moved in with me had steps that went to the basement and I became so obsessed with this that I still crack up to this day when I think about it, LIKE I AM RIGHT NOW, and then he gets so angry because he doesn’t understand why it’s funny.
    • I’m not sure, either, actually. IT JUST IS. I remember writing about it on MYSPACE. So it must have had an impact on me.

  • My Korean textbooks finally arrived! Stupid Chooch opened the package while I was at work because he knew it would incense me AND HE WAS RIGHT. I’m going to start my studies on Sunday so DON’T FUCKING BOTHER ME.

  • I wore this pin to work on Thursday and had to say, “But don’t really, because I haven’t learned it yet” to everyone who read my pin. My goal is to be able to read and understand it enough to get by, but I do not have high aspirations to be able to actually speak it because I can barely speak English. This morning, in the kitchen at work, I was talking to Carrie and what I wanted to say was, “Did she know” but TWICE IN A ROW I said, “Did she knew.” DID SHE KNEW. And as I was saying it the first time, I tried to stop myself, I even held up a finger as though to say “let me try this again” so I started over and said the exact same thing again. Carrie very soothingly said, “It’s OK. I know what you were trying to say” and in my mind, I was playing a reel of all the instances where I could have suffered head injuries in my sleep because something is definitely happening to me. HENRY, WHAT ARE YOU PUTTING IN MY FOOD.

  • I walked to Lotus Foods on my break yesterday and brought back a beautiful assortment for my work peeps (the adventurous ones, anyway). The preserved kumquats are  out of this world, you guys. Even Amber liked it and she might be one of my biggest skeptics (probably because she has witnessed me fuck with so many people). My personal favorite is the red bean taffy which I give everyone a disclaimer when they reach for it and usually that results in them dropping it and taking something else. But look – this is a candy that you have to work for. It starts out hard and plastic-y (Nate described it as tasting like grass in the beginning stages) but then once it begins to soften, that’s when that sweetly pungent red bean flavor fills your mouth. Nate thought it was “actually ok” and Glenn said he was surprised at how good it ended up being. But it warrants a quick explanation because I don’t want someone giving up after a second and wasting it!! I love red bean. I also exotic candy! There’s a middle eastern grocery store near my house that has a dazzling array of foreign candies and I might stop there this weekend and grab some to mix up the diversity of my jack o’lantern. I like interesting flavors, OK?!

  • Today’s Friday video was BIGBANG’s Sober, because I haven’t forced BIGBANG on my work friends in a few weeks. I lifted the ban and let Glenn watch it and he actually finished the whole thing and had nothing negative to say! But I mean, it’s BIGBANG and G-Dragon is a perfect angel baby and if I ever saw him in person, be ready to bury me. G-Dragon’s sweater in this video was the inspo for the blazer we made Chooch a few weeks ago. The more you know.

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Um, I don’t know what else. My life is just so fucking exciting. Maybe next week I’ll talk about the fucking Planned Parenthood protesters who impede my walk space every goddamn day when I’m on my lunch break because WHY SHOULD I CHANGE MY ROUTE?  Or I don’t know, what else do you want me to talk about. Leave one of those invisible ink comments.

Feb 192017
 

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Another post full of bulleted nonsense. Such a blogger. Imagine if I had actually finished college and got that English writing degree.  (I just imagined it and I’m greeting people at Walmart.)

  • For a brief window last weekend, Henry had taken over the TV and put on English programming, which was mildly annoying, but at least it was some Gordon Ramsay thing on YouTube and not American bullshit. When Gordon said “rack of lamb” and I was shocked because I was fully expecting him to say “rackalacka,” I knew it was time to get some rest in a dark room somewhere underground, probably for the rest of winter, next to a bear.
  • We got some snow two weeks ago, when Boots was still our neighbor, and Henry texted me at work to tell me that he was shoveling his sidewalk with a drywall knife. I turned around to immediately inform Glenn of this update, because my co-workers are invested in this drama. Then after a brief pause, I said, “I don’t even know what that is.” A minute later, I received an email from Glenn with a picture of a drywall knife. “Oh. Yeah, if I had been home, I would have just thought he was using a sharp dustpan.” THE IRONY IS THAT MY PAPPAP OWNED A DRYWALL COMPANY, LOL. I clearly only paid attention to the shiny things that drywall company afforded me to have.
  • Speaking of! There was a discussion about cough drops one day at work, and Nate and I agreed that Ricola are superior, the actually Bae of Cough Suppressants. “I got to blow into one of those ricola horns in Switzerland,” I not-so-humblebragged. Glenn needed more information, so I explained that we were at a dinner show for my 10th birthday, and the performers were letting people on stage to blow into those horns they play in the Ricola commercials (hence “ricola horn” duh) and my family was totally shocked that I went up on my accord to participate because I was so shy when I was that age. “Wow, your grandparents took you all over the place, didn’t they,” Glenn said, for once not saying anything disparaging about one of my beautiful stories. “Yeah,”  I laughed. “It didn’t really prepare me for being a poor adult.”
  • There’s this song by Girl’s Generation called “Lion heart” and every time I hear it, the beginning of it sounds similar to an older song from the 70s and it was driving me NUTS because I couldn’t think of it. So I played Lion Heart for Henry and he was like QUESTION MARK. All I could come up with was that the song I was thinking of was in the Jacki Sorensen Encore aerobics video I used to fuck with all the time when I was younger, and Henry was like, “Yeah, that clue doesn’t help me at all.” Anyway, I was able to find a tracklist for that Jacki Sorensen VHS (I CAN BUY IT ON VINYL FOR $4!!!) and immediately knew it was Rita Coolidge’s classic late 70s hit “Higher and Higher.” So I played it for Henry back to back with Lion Heart and he just gave me a noncommittal shrug in response. ANYWAY, I’m only telling you this because the next night we went to Eat n Park for dinner and while Henry was at the salad bar, HIGHER AND HIGHER came on so I started yelling, “Henry!!!” was desperately pointing at the speakers in the ceiling while trying to mime “LISTEN TO WHAT SONG IT IS” and it took him awhile but then he understood and laughed. What the fuck is up with Eat n Park and their psychic soundsystem? This just happened two weeks ago when Chooch was singing “Summer of ’69” and it started playing at the same time. Something else happened there too, music-related, but now I can’t remember, however, I can remember the table we were sitting at. So there’s that. Also, Boz Scaggs.

I mean, it’s not exact, but it was similar enough to trigger a correlation in my brain, so step off.

  • If you don’t work with me, you won’t care about this, but we’ve implemented a red light as an AUDIT ALERT. Sandy actually had this idea about a year ago, but for some reason, we never did anything about it. Then on Friday, Lou came out of the printer room with an audit in his hand and said, “There really needs to be a light or something that will let us know when there are audits over there.” Long story short: audits are the only thing we do I our department un-electronically. Like, we actually print that shit out and put it in a tray for someone to pick up. It’s very vintage. Anyway, after Lou said that, I pulled out the old lamp that I used three Halloweens ago when I decorated my desk like a funeral home. It’s just been chillin’ under my desk this whole time. YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT YOU’LL FIND UNDER THERE, OK. There were no available outlets to plug it in over where the audits actually reside, but since most of the people who handle the audits sit near me, we felt that putting it on the ledge next to my desk would suffice. Commence a day full of Red Light District and Roxanne jokes. I turned it on once to try it out and Chris came running out of his office in fake audit panic. When there actually was an audit, I turned on the lamp but then panicked because it was so bright, so then I blurted out, “LOU THERE’S AN AIUDIT!” and turned off the lamp. Todd and Glenn were simultaneously like, “What the hell is the point of the lamp if you’re just going to yell that there’s an audit?” and then they were mocking me and saying, “LOU, DINNER’S READY” because I guess I sounded like his mom, ugh. “This is going to have a Pavlov’s effect on them,” Glenn mumbled. “They’re going to start drooling every time the light turns on.” Then I proposed that I start chucking Asian candy at whoever brings the audit back to me and everyone seemed on board with that idea. I’m going to look for spiky ones next time I’m at the Asian market.
  • Anyway, all this succeeded in doing was setting off my Giddy Meter, and I had to put my head down at one point because I was choking on giggles. And this reminded me of the time in 8th grade when my homeroom teacher put a chair in the hallway and made me sit out there every time I was overcome with giddiness.
    • Being this giddy and thinking about 8th grade gave me flashbacks to the GREATEST STORY OF MY WHOLE LIFE, and that is one about The Man Who Crossed the Street. This is a TRUE STORY which you can read by clicking that link but if you had the good fortune of sitting near me at work on Friday, then you got to hear me regale a bunch of confused ears with a real life re-telling of this story, in between actual chokes on laughter. After work, I was trying to tell Henry that I told everyone this story but I started laughing all over again and he was just like, “Oh god, that story? I’ll never understand why it’s so funny.” Then Henry said that he wouldn’t be surprised if my giddy bray got me moved to solitary confinement at work, or Gayle’s hallway.
    • What this taught me is that I’m basically the same person I was in 8th grade. I think I’m OK with that.
      • My only explanation is that I had two head injuries during my formative years. Cut me some slack, you guys.
        • Toward the end of the day, Sue came over and said, “OK Lucy, ‘splain” and nodded toward the lamp. She seemed shock that this was actually work-related and admitted that she thought Glenn was trying to be mean to me (LOL, “trying”). Then she said, “But where did the lamp come from?” And I was like, “Oh, it’s from my funeral desk.” After she walked away, I said to Lauren, “That sounds so normal in my head….” and Lauren finished, “But every time you say it out loud, it’s like you realize and then you stutter!” and then oh how we laughed.
          • My favorite part was when Sandy walked by and announced, “Ooh, the audit light’s on! There’s an audit!” and then Ethan came out of his office to get the audit, so Sandy said, “See, it works!” “I didn’t know the light was on until I heard you say that the light was on,” Ethan said, dashing all of our hopes and dreams.

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(^^^SEE? IT WAS A BIG DEAL.)

  • Henry’s kimbap and banchan is off the charts lately. He even taught (I almost typed “teached” there – so what you’re telling me is that I’d be a great candidate for US Secretary of Education) Chooch how to roll kimbap after he expressed interest. EVERYTHING RULES IN MY HOUSE RIGHT NOW.
  • You know what America needs? A fucking hero. Maybe it could have been HENRY if he hadn’t gone AWOL from the SERVICE all those years ago. Good one, Henry. Can I nominate G-Dragon as our hero?

  • One of my work friends asked me if I got my hair cut the other day and I said no because my memory might be malfunctioning on the daily but I knew for a fact that I haven’t been to a salon in a very long time, but then hours later, I replayed that short conversation in my head and realized that I’M A LIAR because I had recently cut my own hair, so yes – yes, I did get my hair cut. I swear I’m not a pathological liar.
    • I honestly cut my hair with half-rusted scissors and get more compliments now than when I paid $100 at a salon. HOW.
    • I cut my hair myself because I love the sound of scissors on dry hair. Fight me.
  • Last night, Henry was watching live BIGBANG performances on YouTube all on his own. He’s never done that with any other band I like, just saying.
  • I just told Chooch he’s annoying and Henry snapped, “you’re both annoying.”

ON THAT NOTE.

Feb 072017
 

Here’s some weekend pictures and words, like a PICTUREBOOK. Which is really more than I’m capable of producing anymore. My brain. It’s deflating. For instance, today I couldn’t figure out why the elevator wasn’t coming and then I realized, “OH IT’S BECAUSE I’M STANDING HERE SLAPPING MY ID BADGE AT THE BUTTON INSTEAD OF ACTUALLY PRESSING IT WITH MY FINGER.”

Anyway, proceed to the bullets.

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  • There was only one low point to the weekend and of course it was Boots related. First, here’s a picture of his refrigerator, a/k/a his bedroom window ledge. I think I mentioned recently that he has some dude living over there now. Well, they were fighting like TWO BITCHES Saturday morning. From what I could gather, Boots was angry because Guy had his bedroom door locked, and Guy was like, “BECAUSE I’M TRYING TO REST, MOTHERFUCKER! I JUST WANT TO DRINK MY COFFEE AND EAT MY FUCKING DONUT WITHOUT YOU BOTHERING ME!” and then Boots was all “*BACKWOODS BARKING*” and all I could get out of it was “RENT” and Guy was like, “I PAY MY RENT MOTHERFUCKER! YOU’RE THE ONE WHO DOESN’T HAVE ANY MONEY!” and then more shit about how Boots doesn’t have any friends (the recurring theme here is friends and money) and then Guy said something about going in his bag and seeing that three packs were missing so it sounds like Boots is stealing from him, JUST LIKE HOW HE STOLE PHYLLIS’S CEREAL! It sounds like Boots was following him around the house like a pest, and then Boots left and slithered down the street like Gumby (that’s what Todd calls him because he said when I was imitating him at work, I looked like Gumby).
    • The rest of the day was SLAM SLAM SLAM with that front door and finally I straight lost my mind and started screaming at the wall and Henry hissed, “ERIN STOP” but I couldn’t! I have so much pent up rage from every part of my life that I just funneled it all out against our shared wall and called him every insulting synonym for “uneducated motherfucker” that I could muster and I started throwing my shoes against the wall for good measure and Henry was just like, “OK whatever, you cant be stopped.”
      • My favorite part was later that night when we were walking home from Eat n Park and Boots was walking down the sidewalk toward us, which made me excited because I wanted to do something, and I could see Henry visibly clench and attempt to grab my wrist which is what that big brute does when he’s trying to box me in (lol, just kidding – he can’t contain me), but it was too late: as Boots passed us, I started making full-body vomiting noises, which naturally cracked up Chooch but totally disappointed Henry. “Why do you have to act like that?!” he cried, and then stormed off ahead of his preteen kids.

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  • Henry made gyeranmari for breakfast on Sunday and I said a low key religious spell in my head so that I NEVER EVER EVER LOSE HIM. Find yourself someone who can keep up when your lifestyle changes on a whim.

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  • That time Chooch was singing “Summer of ’69” and then it came on at Eat n Park. 🔮
  • At some point over the weekend, I had to explain to Henry what “shipping” means, as in “I ship this fictional character with that fictional character” or like, “I ship Donald Trump with a fiery pit of acid tires.” He just can’t ever grasp the concept of shipping, I guess because he’s a 51-year-old man and not a teenager or 30-something woman on the Internet.

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  • Saturday evening nap (see also: proof that I sometimes “allow” #poorHenry to sleep).
  • Guys, Chooch has finally crossed over to the beautiful Korean side of the house and has admitted that he likes BIGBANG and that TOP is his bias. He even designed his Sims character after TOP! I also tricked him into doing KpopX with me at first he was so put-out about it, but then last night he ripped his headphones off and cried, “You’re doing Russian Roulette without me?!?!” and ran over to join me in whipping my hands around like guns. He’s also really into a routine we do for Hyuna’s “How This” which is basically one long aggressive pelvic thrust.
    • Speaking of Sims, Chooch had a 45 minute meltdown Saturday night because he couldn’t get TOP to go into his house, and then, very calmly, he said, “Oh. I didn’t have a door on my house.” And then the house went back to being quiet. LOL JK our house is never quiet are you kidding. It sounds like one endless concert in here always.

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  • Fucked with Chooch’s hair and seriously peed my pants a little when it came out like this. I made him an actual hair appointment for Friday and he chose one of TOP’s hairstyles to show the barber! I tried not to squeal too loud because as soon as he knows that something pleases me, he’ll do the opposite.
    • There’s a picture of the barber on the salon’s website and he looks like a total hipster so if he can’t curate Chooch’s locks in a similar fashion as TOP’s, I’m going to kick over his PBR.

  • This is not the barber. This is TOP. He’s enlisting in the Korean military in TWO DAYS ugh. TT.TT

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  • My favorite thing about Sundays is that Chooch has his piano lesson and his teacher Cheryl lives minutes away from the Asian market mecca otherwise known as the Strip District. These are the only grocery stores I will willingly walk into. We stocked up on more dragonfruit and I bought more questionable candy for work. IT’S KIND OF WHAT I’M KNOWN FOR. Well, maybe just in certain circles.
    • Henry bought more Samanco for himself. He think he’s so fucking cool.
  • Todd was so disappointed on Monday when I told him that not only did Henry not watch the Superbowl, but he WENT AND DID LAUNDRY during it and then came home and watched Korean variety shows with me and Chooch. “And he seemed content!” I said. “Henry’s killing me,” Todd said with faux-sadness.
    • Honestly, I really dislike football. I was really shocked that I even knew that the Patriots were in it! However, I for real have never even heard of the Falcons. I wasn’t convinced that it was a real team.

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I think my new sign-off is just going to be a different BIGBANG video every time. Get into it or get over it. YOUR CHOICE.