Jul 062018
 

Today is Friday. Here are five things I’ve been happy about this week, I guess:

  1. This Korean art I bought in Insadong that Henry finally hung up for me before it ended up breaking from all the sitting around it did on the dining room table (“OMG just do it yourself” blah blah blah says my anti-fan club, lol):

2. Drinking Copious Amounts of Water

Yes, my waterjug-chug-a-lug’ing is going strong but I have had to answer to pretty much every single person who spies it on my desk (I mean, it does kind of stand out). Like YES I AM DRINKING THIS PLUS SOME EVERYDAY. I’ll tell you, when it’s in your face like that, it really isn’t very challenging and I sure do feel a lot better for it. Did you know that some hydration authorities say you should drink one ounce for every pound you weigh?!

3. Special Delivery from My Mom!

After work today, my mom stopped over with some stuff from Trax Farms (fun fact, you locals: I’m related to the Trax family). Like vegetables and stuff, and then a Jurassic World blanket for Chooch because HE GETS EVERYTHING. J/K. I didn’t also want a Jurassic World blanket. I want, I don’t know, a Taemin blanket probably. Anyway! My mom also brought over lunch meat (ugh Henry) and cheese. “OMG SHE GAVE US TOO? OH SHE IS SO NICE!” like this is an orphanage and now he gets to put a cheese-cap on his nightly porridge for a special treat. As he was dramatically gnashing on a slice of provolone, he said very seriously, “Colby is good, but provolone if my forever favorite.” Meanwhile, Henry was all butt-hurt, whining about how he buys cheese too, like he’s going to turn this into some competitive grocery shopping thing.

She also got us corn!! I love corn! Except that I won’t eat it on the cob, I make Henry scrape it off me so it falls onto a plate like puzzle pieces. I had braces for 8 years and grew accustomed to eating my corn this way, you guys. I was telling Carrie about this at work last week and she informed that there are kitchen tools for this very act; I looked on Amazon and she’s right! THEY’RE CALLED CORN STRIPPERS!!!!.

4. Speaking of Taemin!!

I was challenging myself to not post this video on here because I know my Kpop gushing is nauseating for most/all, but Taemin was on this Korean show called The Call, where artists are paired up and collaborate together. I watched this video in the car on the way home from Newark last week and it has been in my head EVERY DAY since. It’s a collab between Taemin and rapper BeWhy and it’s a real wig-snatcher. (Lol, I hate that saying.)

5. Halfway to Holiday World!

One thing that always pulls me out of a summer numbness (I was going to be cute and call it a Summer Number but then I was like, “hey that looks familiar, oh right, because ‘number’ is already a word” and now I’m dwelling on the fact that when you add an “er” to the end of “numb,” the “b” suddenly becomes unsilent. ENGLISH, WHY U DIS WAY?!) is going to amusement parks! I have Henry half-convinced that we should go to Holiday World in Indiana. I tried to get him to take us there a few years ago when we went to Indiana Beach because my reasoning was, “They are both in Indiana” and then he showed me a map of Indiana and I was still like, “Ok…so?” So now, years later, I’m back on my Holiday World kick and he seems mildly interested because the route we would take puts us near Jungle Jim’s, a huge grocery store near Cincinnati known for it’s huge selection of international goods. The last time we were there, I was more into Romania than Korea so I didn’t focus on any of the k-goodness. Also, I want to eat at Hyde’s! But all this talk about going to Indiana has made me daydream about the quaint little burger joint we went to when we were in town for Indiana Beach–Mr. Happy Burger!!! I think I just recently referenced this on here because I get obsessed and then re-obsessed. Anyway, I’ve been all up in Henry’s ears about how “and then we can go to Mr. Happy Burger too!” and he is like “NO!” and I am like, “WHY?!” and he is like, “LITERALLY FOR THE SAME REASON I TOLD YOU WE COULDN’T DO INDIANA BEACH AND HOLIDAY WORLD AT THE SAME TIME – THEY ARE ON OPPOSITE SIDES OF THE STATE!” and then he has to re-show me a map of Indiana which I just blink at and say, “So?”

We’ll see how far I get with this hackneyed scheme. Shooting for August. FINGERS CROSSED!!! I want to ride on holiday-themed rides and go hog-wild in Santa Claus, Indiana!

Jun 122018
 
  1. Brookline Machete

One morning last week, I was walking by Lauren, who eschewed all socially acceptable versions of salutations and instead exclaimed, “Erin, where is your machete?!” She was in the process of struggling to open a box of crackers as she said this so I thought she was facetiously seeking the aid of a machete. BUT NO! She was literally asking where my machete was because apparently a bar in my neighborhood had been robbed by someone wielding a machete!

Now, it’s pretty common knowledge among work cohorts that I have, and am terrified of, a machete in my house. So it was hilarious to me that there were several others in addition to Lauren who also said that they thought of me immediately when they saw this on the news. Oh I love my reputation.

Anyway, I hadn’t heard of this robbery so I went back to my desk and Googled it, and came upon this awesome write-up:

OK, some thing to note:

2. Twitter Crazy

The other night, I got notification that some old ass tweet of mine from April 2008 had been liked and retweeted. Super random, so I decided to investigate and it turns out that this Helen lady who is Twitter verifed and followed by Skrillex (lol) was challenged to tweet something crazy and the first thing she found was this tweet of mine from 10 years ago, which has now been RT’d several more times and liked by a bunch of weirdos when the reality is that I really think this was true when I tweeted it!!

3. I Looked Like This One Day Last Week

4. ART RAGE

Two Friday nights ago, I realized that the last day of school was fast approaching and told Chooch to log on to his student portal thing so I could get a feel for what his last report card would look like and that’s when I was shocked—NAY, TRAUMATIZED—to see that he had his first C ever in the history of Chooch attending school.

A ‘C’ IN ART.

ART!!!

HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN?!

I was getting more and more worked up and he was like, “LOOK IT’S NOT ME, IT’S HER, SHE HATES ME AND SHE THINKS I SUCK AT ART!” and he was crying about it a little bit by now so after I made him swear 8 times that this wasn’t because he misses some classes occasionally on the days he goes to the gifted center, and that he doesn’t have any unfinished projects, I searched for this broad’s contact info on the school’s website and then stabbed out an email to her. Chooch wouldn’t let me send it until he read it over because he wanted to make sure I hadn’t “called her the c-word” in my blind rage.

He adjusted some things but then gave me the OK to hit send.

It was terse, but professional. I told her that as an artist myself (LOL, I mean, I guess I used to see my stuff on Etsy so that must give some artist street cred?), I appreciated that public schools offered art classes but that it made me sad that instead of finding it to be a therapeutic and joyful (lol) experience, my son was panicked and dreading it.

Anyway, she emailed me back the following Tuesday with a scanned attachment of CHOOCH’S UNFINISHED PROJECT and said that she gave it to him to work on at home and that if he returned it completed, she would change his grade. Oh, and that she also sent him home with some markers, as he told her that he doesn’t have ANY ART SUPPLIES AT HOME.

YOU LITTLE SHIT, I LITERALLY JUST TOLD HER IN THE EMAIL THAT YOU PROOFREAD THAT I’M AT ARTIST AND NOW SHE PROBABLY THINKS I’M A LIAR!

Oh, also he would prefer to spend the class talking to his friends and this part I know for sure is FACT.

So then I had to eat crow and apologize to her and that, while Chooch might not be the best artist, HE SURE IS A GREAT ACTOR.

There were people following along with this Shakespearean tragedy at work.

“Wow, this story is very layered,” Lou said when I vented about it in the office kitchen and you know I must have really needed to talk about this if I was TALKING TO LOU.

Wendy thought it was hilarious.

So did Glenn and Amber, of course.

I couldn’t wait to get home and verbally annihilate the little brat-face, but then he threw a wrench in my anger by giving me MORE INSIGHT INTO THE DRAMA!

So his side is that she hates him (I can partially believe this; she practically defenestrated herself when she saw us approaching her classroom last year during Open House and then said she had to go to a meeting while literally RUNNING OUT OF THE ROOM. Wow.

Anyway, Chooch’s defense was, “DO I TALK TO MY FRIENDS IN CLASS? YES! I TALK TO THEM ABOUT THE PROJECT, HOW I HATE THE PROJECT, HOW I HATE THAT CLASS!” and that also his project wasn’t incomplete in his eyes. The assignment was self-portrait but he doesn’t like drawing people so he drew a blimp because he identifies as a blimp? I have no idea, he lost me there. But then the art teacher was all, “ROAR ROAR ROAR YOU DID THIS WRONG” and he was all, “I THOUGHT ART WAS ABOUT SELF-EXPRESSION!?” and she was like, “NOT WHEN I’M TEACHING IT, DO IT THE WAY I ASKED” and then he didn’t want to color it either because in his eyes he’s a gray-scale blimp which makes sense because isn’t that what color they are? So then he had to bring markers home to color in his new self-portrait since he lives in a house devoid of all art supplies because his parents don’t believe IN THE ARTS and his finished project was himself spray-painting the word “blimp” on a brick wall.

5. Penelope-Sanctioned Snuggles

This happened one day after work last week for a few seconds. I’m not sure if you can tell by her face, but she doesn’t like being cuddled unless it’s bedtime and she’s come to make our sleep as uncomfortable as possible.

6. G-Dragon, the Melania of Korea

The subject of G-Dragon came up in an email chain going on last week between me and my work-group of Amber, Lauren, Todd and Glenn. I mean, I don’t know WHO would have brought him up…but then Lauren was inspired to google him since I don’t sit over on their side anymore to blurt out GD-updates on a whim, and she replied all to ask me if I knew how his ankle surgery went since that was the most recent thing her search brought up, and you guys, that was MID-MAY. I actually didn’t have more information than that because none of the Korean sites have said anything more than he was admitted to a hospital to have the surgery, which allegedly went well, and then was expected to be released back to the military once he recovered BUT HAS HE RECOVERED OR…?!

I even asked Twitter and no one answered me. Fuck you, Twitter.

7. Fifty First Drews

One day last week, I had my hair in a ponytail, but I guess it was positioned differently, maybe it was lopsided, up higher than usual, who knows, but Drew DID NOT RECOGNIZE ME and she looked like she was hunting prey the way she kept her eyes locked on me as she slowly crept closer. It was super stupid. Oftentimes, she and Penelope act like it’s their first day in our house and we have to wait patiently for them to assimilate.

Anyway, this picture was taken after she calmed down and accepted my new (?) look.

8. SHINeepalooza!

Pretty much spent all last week watching every single SHINee stage on all of the music countdown shows (of course they lost to BTS on every single one too and you know I love BTS but COME THE FUCK ON BTS, GO HOME AND LET SOMEONE ELSE WIN A LITTLE TOO, FUCK) and also their new reality show which is FUCKING ADORABLE and I just have the hardest time comprehending how Taemin can be such a brooding God on stage and then be the biggest seal-clapping dork in real life. IT MAKES ME LOVE HIM EVEN MORE.  I love this part of their show where they’re touring the SHINee exhibit of the SMTown museum and the rest of SHINee keeps scolding him for touching everything.

Give SHINee some love you guys, and help Jonghyun’s memory alive. <3

Well, that’s pretty much all of the things that happened last week that are worth noting.

Jun 012018
 

Hey boy. Hey girl. It’s the end of another workweek and here are 5 photos & 5 bullets that I would like to share.

On Tuesday, I was outside on my break and for one fleeting, frozen moment in time I thought I was about to get punched by some Yinzer-skinhead hybrid who glared straight at my face like he knew me and I wronged him and his whole white trash family, and just as I was beginning to cower against the side of the Benedum Center, he veered to his left and stalked away. IT WAS SO SCARY. And then the next day, another man gave me a flower for no reason (and not because he wanted money, like Henry the Callous D-Bag insinuated). You never know what you’re going to get here in downtown Pittsburgh, you guys. You just never know.

We didn’t use the backporch at all over the winter because it was too cold and Henry the Tightwad wouldn’t buy a space heater (or A KEROSENE HEATER, like I really wanted) so we basically just kept that door shut for months. But now that it’s been consistently above 60 degrees, that room is being used almost primarily by the cats (this is their favorite room in the house!) but also this is where Henry sometimes eats his dinner, sitting in one of the wheelchairs, because I’m busy hogging the living room with my kpop cardio and I don’t want him to watch me (it’s different when we’re doing it together, OK?!). Anyway, I’m excited to start filling this room with plants again because I’m a sucker.

Today, since it’s June 1st, I pulled out the next SHINee calendar for my desk area and was super excited to see that it’s TAEMIN for the month of June! I giddily hung it up and when Carrie turned around to tell me she wanted fruit salad, I gave the Taemin calendar my best Vanna White hand-flourish and said, “OK but look at this beautiful, perfect face!” and she was just like, “But…it’s not fruit.” Then a few minutes later, I thought she was walking by from behind me so I spun around in my seat to point out Taemin to her again, but it was someone else who I don’t know every well and we made eye contact while I was in mid-Vanna and then I slowly turned back toward my computer. Everyone there already thinks I’m weird, so it wasn’t a very big deal.

Then I took a picture of it and emailed it to Glenn and Todd, my ex-neighbors, and Glenn said he didn’t realize how empty his life was.

I went to Allegheny Coffee to get some ch-ch-chai and saw these wonderful tip jars and wished I had a buck to smash into the “or nah” vessel. Kenny Chesney plays here every summer at Heinz Field and brings alllllll the redneck riffraff to the yard. They trash the city, cause fights, piss and puke everywhere, get arrested. It’s just madness and I will be sure to avoid the entire downtown area tomorrow, thanks.

Also, the barista told me I had lipstick on my teeth and I appreciated that.

Then I saw this super tall guy on my way back and I was excited to take his picture. HE IS SO TALL. He had to have been 7 feet.

Some other things from this week that I want to remember:

  • I made a new friend on KakaoTalk from Korea! He asked me how old I am and said he was surprised because he thought I was around his age (29!!) so he said, “You’re 누나 (noona)” which means, like, “older sister” and I was like, “Thank you, 친구 (chingu/friend) for not calling me 아줌마 (ajumma/middle-aged woman, or married woman with kids)!” This was a huge deal and I ran over to show Chooch who muttered, “Oh my god.”
  • Carrie got a small hole in the back of her dress today and no one had a safety pin so she was like, “Erin, will you staple this?” and I was already performing warm-up clicks of my stapler before she even had a chance to finish her sentence. And so I gave her dress three good staples and relished every moment because it was SO DANGEROUS and THRILLING. Lori said I had a scary devious look on my face. It was almost as exciting as the time Jeannie asked me to cut her hair during late shift! (Seriously, she put her hair in a ponytail and had me chop it off but she wouldn’t let me use my personal scissors that are stained with fake-blood; she provided her own.)
  • Speaking of Lori, she told me she went to the kpop section of iTunes and felt overwhelmed so I took it upon myself to (giddily) make her a list of some of my favorites, complete with legit footnotes. Then I almost emailed it to the wrong person but maybe she would have liked it too? Then my pal Valarie suggested that I do something like this for my blog because she would be interested in some recommendations and maybe other people would too, so then I thought maybe I could make a kpop101 playlist WOULD YOU LISTEN TO IT IF I DID Y OR N.
  • Oh shit I forgot to mention in my Memorial Day post that we went to Ulta and the thing I got (some Klorane hairspray shit) had a sign that said ANY KLORANE PURCHASE COMES WITH A FREE SOMETHING but I forget what the something was, some sample-sized of hair oil or something, and Henry was like, “Oh I am taking a picture of this with my phone for sure” and sure enough, we went up to pay and the young lavender-haired broad was like, “Thanks come again” as she handed the bag to Henry & Henry was like “where is my free gift” & the girl was like “???” so Henry pulls out his phone & is all “this sign here says I get a free gift, see” & I guess the sign was a mistake (so she says) but she still gave him some kind of manly body wash sample.
  • Our system was down again yesterday and Regina was like, “I wish [system] was a person—” and Carrie cut in to say, “Yeah, so we can punch it in the face!!!” And Regina slowly said, “Well, I was going to say so we could say encouraging things to it, but OK.” I dunno, I’m with Carrie. I would have roundhoused it in the balls after she punched it in the face.
May 242018
 

OMG do you guys remember that song by Jodeci called “Lately“?! It’s been in my head ever since I titled this dumb post. But anyway, life has been going at a nice, slow pace lately and I’ve been enjoying that, because after the mania of the walking challenge, I can definitely stand to slow it down a bit. (Only getting 15,000 steps a day like a regular person!)

Here are just a few things I want to e-jot down for posterity. You know me and my sentimentality.

  • The biggest news right now is THE EMPTY HOUSE NEXT DOOR. So if you’re a Constant Reader (lol I always wanted to write that and I have no idea why), you know that we have had a string of Problem Neighbors living in the unit next to us and you also know that we live in a townhouse/duplex-type thing. So sharing a wall with assholes can pretty much make a life hell, you know? After the last ones left (on account of The Drug Raid), the landlord went in and cleaned it out; unlike Boots, they didn’t trash the place so he was able to plant the For Rent sign in the front yard with a quickness. I was not OK with this because it allowed the nightmares to start flowing in everynight like some sick Eli Roth rental property trilogy. I have no idea what I’m saying! But then Henry’s son Blake was like, “Hmm. Lemme look at this place” and so the landlord met Blake and Haley over there last week and it seemed like it was going to work out! They asked if there were other people interested and he was like, “Money talks” because that’s all that matters, background checks be damned. Anyway, B&H raced to get all the stuff together so that they could beat everyone else to the lease-signing while I dreamt of DUEL HOUSEHOLD DELUXE KPOPX NIGHTS and Henry and Haley starting a garden and all of us getting ice cream from the ice cream truck together even though the ice cream truck never comes down our street and when it does, it’s questionable and sketchy at best. Haley called him like a day later to see if it was still available because they were ready, and he was all, “Sorry, it’s taken” so we were all so pissed! “Blake and Haley are probably too upstanding, that’s why! They’re not ex-convicts!” I cried to Henry and then the nightmares came back even stronger because now I knew that I was getting neighbors in a week or two and I was a nervous wreck over it. But then! The landlord contacted Blake on Friday and was like, “So, are we meeting up or?” and Blake was like, “You literally just told my fiancee that the place was rented” and the landlord was all, “Oh, I guess I didn’t realize that’s who I was talking to.” Oh for God’s sake. Anyway, this is a lot of words just to say that BLAKE AND HALEY AND CALVIN ARE MOVING NEXT DOOR TO US THIS WEEKEND! And Chooch and I already left them a surprise:

Welcome home. 

  • Speaking of home, Henry and I have several fun (lol, for me, not for him) projects we’re working on (we’re re-doing the coffee table, for one!) and by that I mean he kind of started it and I keep nagging him about it everyday. #TerribleGirlfriend But I did get him to hang some stuff up over the weekend and I did that by using the strategy where I start small, like, “Can you hang this one thing on the wall just this one thing only. One. Uno. 하나.” And then when he’s done hanging that one thing, he turns around and I’m all, “Surprise here are 8 more things, might as well just do it while the hammer’s out” and then (after he predictably mimics hitting me with the hammer) 5 minutes later Chooch has a gallery wall that he completely won’t even notice. I call this story “Sunday.” Could I do this myself? SURE. Do I want to? NO.

I really needed that Wicker Man to be hung. I made it last October when I was decortating at work and I was going to toss it afterward but Chooch, who had recently become entralled with the Wicker Man, wanted to keep it, but then it was just leaning against his wall all these months and I’m sorry but TAKE BETTER CARE OF THAT THING says the broad who was just going to pitch it anyway. So now that’s hung, and the Where’s Negan print that Henry got for him two Christmases ago I think, and the adorable Red Velvet picture he had taken at SMTown in Korea:

Chooch likes art, which makes me happy.

  • OMG tomorrow something is going on with the  trolley where I have to take it the opposite direction to some other stop and then SWITCH and I am so distraught and nervous about this. I almost asked Lauren if she would switch with me so I can work late shift tomorrow from home and not have to worry about it but I have lunch plans that I would have to cancel and I don’t want to dooooooo thaaaaaaaat. I am so stressed out! You know how I am with the trolley.
    • Speaking of, today I’m on late shift so I took the trolley into town with the unsavories and immediately some broad sat behind and started shouting into her phone about her dog’s poop and how she can’t get him on a good schedule and she loves her roommates but they’re not fucking help. She had Yinzer Voice so I was not sympathetic to her plight.
  • I’m awful and haven’t started sending any Greetings from Erin’s Lunch Break post cards yet because right after I kickstarted that campaign again, the weather turned shitty and then I became consumed by the Walking Challenge. I vow to start next week for real! I’m going to buy postcards on Tuesday. YOU’LL SEE. But since I’m not starting yet, I can spare a lunch break tale for you today: WHILE ON MY LUNCH BREAK (that’s how Lunch Break Tales start), I was walking back toward my building when I heard super loud, Crimes of Passion-level cries and then before I could swivel, I was walking right into a domestic dispute. For a split second, I was caught up in it, the third wheel on the Jerry Springer Show, accidentally blocking their vicious insults about I GAVE UP MY PUSSY FOR YOU (??) and TELL YOUR GRANDMA I DON’T WANT YOU! (ok) with my unfortunately-placed body until I was finally able to hot-step it the fuck out of there. There was quite a crowd gathering at this point because nothing like a good ol’ rumble between scorned lovers to bring society together. Eventually, a cop moseyed his way over and was like, “OK, you can’t do this here” so then they were yelling AT HIM about EACH OTHER just as, I shit you not, a FUCKING SEGWAY TOUR ROLLED UP ON THE DRAMA like the whitest motherfucking mother duck and her white-ass chicks, and they all turned their dorky helmet-clad heads in unison toward the trashy quarrel, all these white middle-aged people in their Dockers and polos, and I just lost it. It was the funniest juxtaposition I’ve see in a while.
  • BTS is back in Korea which means all the GOOD comeback stages are happening so we can actually see the choreo. The MNET ones are on YouTube already and I feel so blessed to come home from work to this. I LOVE J-HOPE’S PURPLE HIGHLIGHTS.

I know I had more to say but now I’m distracted and need to watch BTS’s comeback show again. HEY, IT’S MY LIFE, OK.

May 182018
 

I had a whole different thing that I planned on writing today since I had the morning off but then BTS released their new album and an MV so I’ve been up since like 5am obsessing over that (my cat Penelope woke me up at 5 by screaming at her cat carrier, and at first I was super pissed but then I squinted at my phone and screamed OOOOH BTS! So that’s been my day so far aside from, you know, working.

So here are 5 things, I guess.

  1. Um, BTS. Le Duh. Here is there new video for Fake Love but my favorite song so far is Paradise so I’m including that too. There’s also a song that has his subtle background jazz that reminds me of something I would have heard in the 80s eating at Blue Flame with my Pappap, like some Chuck Mangione vibes, like some backing track for Boz Scaggs, so the nostalgia claws hard at the heart on that one. Most importantly though: no Desiigner and no full-English songs so I’m content! I’m even more excited to see them in September now!

https://youtu.be/7C2z4GqqS5E

2. I had the dreaded wellness exam thing at work on Wednesday which I already mentioned on here because this blog is basically a junk drawer of scattered thoughts at this point but I didn’t tell you that the guy doing my exam was in town for this from Cleveland and I was like OH I LIKE CLEVELAND because I do and so this made me feel inspired to Small Talk. I asked him if he’s done anything fun while he’s been here and he stopped and looked at me. “Well, I’m talking to you,” he said and I was like OH WOW JEEZ DO U PUT CORN ON ALL YR JOKES. But then of course I spent the rest of the day wondering if this was actually an insult?! Like, he could be doing something fun but instead he’s talking to me while squeezing blood* out of my finger? Anyway, ambiguous pick-up line/insult aside, this was the first time since HAVING A BABY that my BMI was in the “normal” range. I still think BMI is bullshit though.

3. *Speaking of blood, here’s a Fun Fact: the word for blood in Korean in 피 – pee. It took some getting used to when I was watching dramas and they’re screaming PEE! PEE! at murder scenes.

4. Henry and I had a HUGE fight about Boyz II Men in the car the other day. I realized I had never listened to the new Charlie Puth album on account of his singing in English so I pulled it up on Spotify and said, “Oh, he has a song with Boyz II Men!” so I put it on and almost immediately made some joyful comment about how good Boyz II Men sound with Le Charles and Henry said something about how they weren’t even singing yet and I was like “THE SONG LITERALLY STARTS WITH THEM SINGING?!!!” and Henry was like, “Oh well how could anyone even tell that was them, they weren’t even singing words yet” and I was like, “BECAUSE THAT’S LITERALLY THEIR SIGNATURE HARMONIZING SOUND?!!?” Oh my god, get the fuck out of my car, boy.

5. Well, I guess I’ll conclude with an update on what you have all been waiting for (lol jk) – my team ended up finishing in 4th place Firmwide, which is actually a pretty big feat considering there were over 40 teams and we essentially only had 3 people on our team while everyone else had 4. Carrie and I were fuming though when it was finally revealed who was on the winning team because THERE IS NO WAY. Also, if I had registered as an individual, I’d have been in second place. BUT WHO’S KEEPING SCORE HAHAHAHAhahahahaha sob.

5.5 Here’s a REAL TIME bonus one for you. Right after posting this, I got up to walk away from the computer and SOMEONE (Henry) left the fucking tray open on the printer so I walked into it and it scraped my thigh which hurt because I’m wearing shorts so I went on a tirade about how Henry ruins my life and then I looked down and noticed that A WELT was forming on my thigh and so I said, “It looks just like the time I was holding a Sparkler and bent down to pick up a frog and—” at which point Henry cut me off and said, “I’m sorry, WHAT? How do those two words even go in the same sentence” and I was like, “Bitch let me finish and you’ll understand, it’s not that crazy” and I told him about the time I was a kid and I was holding a lit Sparkler and then saw a frog on the sidewalk and said “ooh frog” and bent over to pick it up, forgetting that I was holding a Sparkler and the Sparkler scraped into my thigh and since it was, you know, LIVE, it left a scar on my leg for quite some time, but sadly, it eventually faded, and it was here at this point that I realized Henry was doing the “laughing so hard nothing is coming out” laugh and I’m offended. He said it’s one of the best stories I’ve told him and I don’t think he means that in a nice way. :(

I’ll leave you with this adorbs picture of Calvin who is cultivating a love of clowns at a very young age, much to his mom’s chagrin! (Oh don’t worry, I’ll be back tomorrow with a zillion pictures of Korea.)

May 142018
 

We’ll start this party with an obliggy keyboard kitty.

  • Henry and I took a leisurely stroll through Brookline Sunday morning which is the least he could do since I made my own breakfast on Mother’s Day (confetti waffles, bitches, and don’t get too excited because they were the toaster kind). Walking down the Boulevard almost always offers some form of entertainment, whether it’s the old man who totes his 1980s boombox around with him in a backpack and dances on the sidewalk1 or watching Yinzers yell at each other outside of Zippy’s and then you get closer and realize they’re not actually mad, their voices just sound that way from all the cigarettes and hard Pittsburgh-living. First, I pointed out the creepy Jesus picture that was a curious part of the window display at Jo’s Salon. “Isn’t that the same one we have in our bathroom?” Henry observed, trying to keep up with the word count I had already set for our walking conversation. “No! That’s SEXY Jesus! Duh.” And Henry mumbled, “Sorry.” Moment later, a fire truck was pulling out of the station, so traffic stopped to allow for this to happen, obviously. This is probably one of the things they teach in Drivers Ed. “Yield to Fire Trucks.” I don’t know. But of course there was that ONE CAR who was so pissed that no one was moving, so the driver just laid on the horn. Like, relentlessly. He could have actually had had a heart attack at the wheel and was slumped over, for all we knew, but instead everyone on the sidewalk was super pissed at this overzealous display of pushiness. One guy walked by and said, “The Jagoff2 Convention must have let out early” and I just started cracking up so bad because what a perfect representation of Pittsburgh, if ever there was.
    • SIDE BAR1: I was on my lunch break a few weeks ago, standing at the curb waiting for the light to change, when suddenly, “GLORIA! GLORIA! i THINK THEY GOT YOUR NUMBER! GLORIA!” was blasting in my ear. I looked to my right and sure enough, there was Brookline Dancer, dancing in place next to me on Liberty Avenue! What a joy to see him downtown!
    • SIDEBAR2: Jagoff is Pittsburghese for “jack off” or “douchebag.” I am such a teacher.
  • I got KCON tickets for Chooch and me on Friday!  It was yet another Ticketmaster clusterfuck and I really wish someone would find a way to destroy them because $50 service fees?! Go fuck yourself, Ticketmaster.  So, I’m going to be living That Cloistered Life for the next couple of months, but it will be worth it because I get to see Pentagon! I’ve been so obsessed with them lately and I even made Carrie watch one of their videos at work last week. I sit behind her now and I was holding my breath while she watched it because I half-expected her to be like THIS IS DUMMM like my OLD NEIGHBORS did. But instead, she said, “Not gonna lie, that was pretty cute. They are pretty adorable. And it has a good beat!” You know what I said? I very calmly and seriously said, “Thank you.” Because I wrote, directed, produced, and sang on that shit, obviously. And choreographed it too. I already posted the subject video on here, but here is an acoustic version of it that they just performed on a music countdown show last week! I LOVE THEM THEY’RE SUCH LITTLE ANGEL BABIES.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VV1L7AmEkcs

  • Henry recently found out that my mom still cooks for my brother even though he doesn’t live at home anymore, and I just started cracking up because it could not be any more clearer that my brother and I are related. In my mom’s defense for not forcing us to learn how to cook, I brought up the fact that my dad used to make me clean the house all of the time because I guess he thought it was going to make me turn into a good wife for someone someday, but instead it just made me hate cleaning so now I never do it because, again, I hate cleaning. “Maybe he was just trying to teach you how to live independently!” Henry cried in disbelief of my casual dismissal of this whole thing.
  • Last Friday on the trolley, some broad started clipping her nails. I know, right. Immediately, like even faster than I was able to realize that human bits were being clipped, the guy across from her said, in the most Kevin from The Office way, “That’s really gross.” So she said, “YEAH WELL I HAVE A MEETING” (bitch, ok, so?) and then HE said, “You couldn’t do that at home?” So SHE said, “NO I HAVE 3 JOBS AND IF YOU WOULD MIND YOUR BUSINESS I’D APPRECIATE IT” and he calmly monotoned, “OK” and then she continued to clip her nails. I ALMOST SAT IN FRONT OF HER TOO. I still think about that, to this day (three days later).
    • Also, I doubt she has three jobs but OK, I exaggerate a lot too when I’m in a public confrontation. BITCH WHATCHU LOOKING AT I JUST GOT OUTTA JAILLLLLLLL.

I call this “RIP My Feet.” Would you believe people used to buy my art?

  • Yesterday was the last day of the Walking Challenge, you guys! I managed to get 30,000 steps every day during the final week except for last Monday, where I only got 27,000 (as previously mentioned.) This morning, it felt so great to not immediately put myself in walking mode, and I quietly wept with joy as I ate my breakfast, in a seated position. But then things took a turn. Carrie was entering her steps for this last week and realized she missed a day earlier on in the competition. No, I don’t mean that she crashed out in a gin bath for an entire day and accumulated zero steps, I mean that she just “somehow” missed entering her steps for one day. I was internally fuming about this. WHAT A DUM-DUM! I was thinking in my head while concocting different ways to humiliate her when the results come in tomorrow and we’re even further down in the standings. Maybe I could start calling her Lou Jr.? New Lou? But then something inside me, some niggling sensation of paranoia, made me check my own steps and sure enough I MISSED A DAY TOO! 4/20 TO BE EXACT AND NO IT WASN’T BECAUSE I WAS TOO BUSY FLOATING ON A CLOUD WITH MILEY CYRUS. We have to manually type in our steps on some confusing firm-provided page thing and I guess I just didn’t go back far enough on the first week. And then I realized, “THE FIRST WEEK?!” That’s the week that the Top #25 Mini Challenge happened and I came in 4th overall for individual walkers, so I went back and looked at the numbers AND I WOULD HAVE BEEN IN 3RD. Motherfucker!! Carrie pointed out that it was moot because the prize was still the same regardless, and she’s right but UGH CITY! I wanted to fucking scream into a pillow! But then I started crazy-laughing because think about it — I missed entering a 20,000-step day AND STILL PLACED and MY TEAM WAS STILL IN 3RD THAT WEEK! So, I guess that’s kind of cool. I’m still mad at myself though. I was bitching about my snafu to another co-worker by the bathroom when Sandy walked by and just started laughing because I AM CONSUMED and she knows it and if we’re being honest here, SHE EGGS ME ON.  This challenge can fuck off. I’m going back into retirement.
    • Now that I think about it, really sounds like my team was sabotaged.
  • Today, I got a news alert that Margot Kidder died so I texted my brother Ryan and said, “Wasn’t it a Margot Kidder autobiography that you were holding in one of the Evil Bastard scenes?” and Ryan said, “Oh wow, I usually have a good memory for that kinda stuff but I have no idea lol. I forgot about the Evil Bastard videos” and I AM SO OFFENDED. NO SCRATCH THAT, I’M BETRAYED. “The Many Ways To Kill An Evil Bastard” was like, my crowning cinematic achievement in high school and Ryan was the main lead!  Um, let’s just say it’s a good thing YouTube wasn’t around in the 90s or my 11th grade English teacher would have been even more mad about that scene in my group’s Longfellow video presentation where I spoofed her getting thrown off her horse, which is a real thing that happened, she was thrown from a horse, and in one scene of our video, I wrapped bloody gauze around my head and knee, borrowed crutches from a friend, and hobbled down the hallway moaning about how all I wanted to do was read some Longfellow but then I got thrown off my horse instead AND SHE WAS SO MAD ABOUT IT!? Everyone in the class was all “hahahaha” and she was all “F F F F F F.”
    • See also: this is how I learned that I can’t walk with crutches.

And we’ll end with this quote that I jotted down in here last week because I didn’t want to forget and planned on elaborating, but now I can’t remember what Henry and I were talking about because all I can remember from the past several weeks is the sound of my feet hitting the floor.

“I’ll put an ad in the paper. ‘Must —‘”

“Be Korean?!” I interjected.

“‘–pay your own way‘,” Henry finished with a frown.

I think I wanted to go somewhere and he said he didn’t want to go? I mean, that could be anywhere, literally.

Mar 162018
 

I officially have less than a week to get through before vacation and it’s been dra-hahahahaha-gging. I’ve been doing very little lately in order to conserve energy and money for our trip, but here is a round-up of pictures and mediocre points of interest.

  • Drew and Penelope’s condo has a big addition now and HENRY ACTUALLY HELPED! Here’s what happened: Chooch brought up this large box from the basement and I suggested that he connect it to the main part of their estate with a large circle opening (not shown, this is just a small window that Drew’s peeking out of). Well, this turned into A Thing because Chooch was all, “MY PROTRACTOR ISN’T THAT BIG” and we were like “WHAT TO DO WHAT TO DO” so Henry sighed his “goddammit” sigh, disappeared into the basement and re-emerged with an actual power saw-thing!! Henry put on his construction-pants and helped make the Cat Estate Great Again, we couldn’t believe our eyes! Anyway, after he made a same-sized opening in both boxes (which, had I done it, they would have been way different circumferences and probably not even near each other), and then decided that he was sick of Chooch using all of his duct tape so he went to Lowe’s and got these plastic things to hold the boxes together! So now only part of their house looks like a hobo built it!

  • Remember how my neighbor got arrested last week? WELL GUESS WHAT. I was on my lunch break walk on Wednesday, getting ready to cross the street by the Westin, when WHO WALKED PAST ME BUT TED!!!! I was on the phone with Henry and started saying, “OMGOMGOMG” in a very huminahumina-type of way. We made eye contact and then he kept walking so I was like, “DOES HE HONESTLY RECOGNIZE ME AFTER ALL OF THOSE FRIENDLY NEIGHBOR-WAVES WE SHARED?!” but I think he was purposely avoiding me. He was walking into town with papers in his hand, so Henry said maybe he was going to meet his lawyer? He apparently posted bail and has a hearing next week, but he hasn’t been back home as far as we know since everything happened last week. His car hasn’t moved, however!! The broad was back yesterday. Henry said she was very quiet over there, although Chooch said he heard her going up and down the steps. She came and left twice so our assumption is that she was getting her stuff? She better leave and never come back, that snitch!

  • I had dinner with Barb at Amel’s the other night and it was awesome as usual! I miss seeing her and talking to her everyday — I can’t believe it’s been three years since she left the law firm! Anyway, my favorite part of the night was when she was showing me her Pinterest full of potential hairstyles and we spent a good minute looking at this one she had pinned which was so wild! It was a really cool fauxhawk in an unnatural silver/platinum color. “Yeah, I really like it a lot too,” Barb said, half-convinced that this was going to be her Hairstyle of Tomorrow, before slowly realizing that she wasn’t showing me the right pins. She eventually found the right ones, which were all great too, but now I’m sad that Barb isn’t getting a metallic silver lady fauxhawk. :(
    • Runner-up moment: when we fell down the Salem rabbit hole and talked about Days of Our Lives for 20 minutes.

  • For at least a year, Chooch has been hounding Henry for a neck pillow because he’s a geriatric pre-teen. (“I can’t walk any farther because my hip hurts,” is an actually complaint he gives from time to time.) We went to Target last weekend and he FINALLY got his damn neck pillow which came with a bonus sleep mask. Also, it’s from Love, Taza which made me laugh because she’s such an obnoxious blogger with like 79 separate forums on GOMI (Barb, before you ask, that stands for “Get Off My Internet”). Chooch walks around the house with it around his shoulders. He’s such a diva.

  • I made the bed the other day and it was such a big Suzy Homemaker accomplishment for me that I took a picture because I knew it wouldn’t last long since we live like college kids. And then I started to laugh because NOTHING IN OUR HOUSE MATCHES. I like it that way, but I can only imagine the anxiety it would cause for other people. Our pillow cases not only don’t match the comforters, but they don’t match each other either, lol. Can you guess which one is Henry’s? NOT THE BANANAS. Henry lays his precious head down on pretty hearts and skulls.

  • Chooch and I have been desperately trying to get Henry to power-up to a cooler wardrobe…OK but not even so much “cool” as “less lame and logo-oriented.” Almost all of his shirts are from work so he’s a walking beverage advert. We wanted him to at least just get better-fitting jeans and some normal shirts to take to Korea but he’s like, “I WILL WEAR WHAT I WANT” so basically he’s going to be an American ahjussi, which is fine. You do you, Hank. But then I started cracking up imagining him starting a new “middle-age beverage warehouse manager” fashion trend in Korea. All the young kids out there wearing dad jeans, dirty white New Balances, and Faygo t-shirts. Oh, what a sight!

There was a bird out there mocking them.

  • I think Penelope’s lip got cut in one of her battles with Drew. They don’t like, HATE EACH OTHER, but they definitely don’t go out of their way to hang out together, either. And I think Drew gets mad because in her head, she’s the alpha but Penelope never backs down and if she’s even a little bit afraid of Drew, she certainly doesn’t show it!

  • We went to the nearly-closed down mall last week so I could get new shoes (it was a fail – I bought a pair of furry Pumas from their juniors line and didn’t realize until I had already trekked through most of downtown in the them on Monday that they’re TOO BIG, a pair of fucking KIDS SHOES. I was flopping around like a clown out there!). Anyway, I took this picture of the main entrance area of the mall because it’s so goddamn sad and you would honestly think it’s abandoned just from this view. They have a small Easter area set up and I was like, “CHOOCH LET’S GET YOUR PICTURE TAK—–OMG IS THE EASTER BUNNY SLEEPING IN THE CHAIR?!” but Chooch snapped, “That’s a STUFFED ANIMAL.” Sorry, my eyes are not great! Also, anything’s possible at Century III Mall and a passed-out Easter bunny seems pretty apropos.

  • My favorite thing to do with Drew is play hide and seek. She gets so concerned when she suddenly can’t find! Usually, I’m just holding a pillow in front of my face or crouching down behind a dining room chair. She’ll start meowing loudly until she finds me, and then we’ll just stare at each and she cries louder. It’s so weird and fun. For someone who is so worried that I vanished, she never fucking cuddles with me!!

  • Lori sent me a link from Time Magazine about how G-Dragon is getting so many emails sent to him at his military base that it shut down the servers. I forwarded it along to some of my other co-workers because I like it when I get the chance to show them that G-Dragon is so famous that THERE ARE SOME AMERICAN OUTLETS that recognize his fame. Amber replied, “How many emails did you send him, Erin!??!” A valid question! But even though I had the info, I swear to god I didn’t send any! I really wanted to, though.
    • We talk a good bit about the mandatory military enlistments at work, and I showed some of my co-workers the above (and adorable) photo of GD with his new military peeps, and that’s when we realized that I too was dressed like I was enlisting in the military which had me cracking up because it was 100% unintentional! I don’t take many full-body mirror pics, but this was an exception!

On that note, let’s end with a BIGBANG. Since 4/5 of them are now enlisted in the military, I’ve been taking comfort in all of the live performances they have on YouTube. What did we do before YouTube, you guys!? Between that and Roku, I barely ever turn on the regular TV. (Although I did fall asleep to CNN Tuesday night thanks to that fucking Special Election in Western PA that I couldn’t vote in because it wasn’t my dumb district, whatever that means.) Right, so…here’s a video of one of their live performances from 2015. A quick explanation: it starts out with “Crayon,” a G-Dragon solo song, but instead of GD, the other members of BIGBANG come out one by one and sing it before G-Dragon finally appears for the beginning of “Fantastic Baby.” This entire performance makes me so happy! You should watch it.

I know, it seems crazy that I went from listening to screamo and post-hardcore almost exclusively, but the charisma of BIGBANG is really hard to ignore. Even with all of those other bands that I have loved for years, I never really knew any of the members, but with BIGBANG (and a lot of kpop groups), there are five very distinct personalities there and the more you learn about each one, the harder it is to have a favorite (although it will always be G-Dragon for me!). Their performances are nutso and even though they might be going silent for the next two years, they will still be the fucking kings of kpop. Legends.

Mar 022018
 

Fransssss, it was another low-key, chill weekend and I’m not mad about it. Shit’s gonna be nuts here in a few weeks so I might as well get all the relaxing in now! So here are some pictures and the bare minimum amount of words to describe the final weekend of the emotional roller coaster known as February. I’m so glad to say farewell to it. I’m also throwing in some other crap in this post to consolidate my memories.

  • Chooch and I went for a walk after I was done working my late shift on Friday, so I guess that’s the first thing that happened last weekend? I took this picture of Jo’s Salon on the walk. I LIVE DANGEROUSLY. Remember when I used to invite strangers into my house right off the street? Pales in comparison to my current reckless ways of life.
  • Saturday was good! I went to Patty’s and we watched “Don’t Look in the Basement” (I nervously found myself relating to every character) and “Hobo With a Shotgun” which was scary because I could completely see this being our country’s future thanks to Trump and the unsavories that have been crawling out of the gutter since his inauguration. It made me really uncomfortable to watch (so clearly it succeeded in its mission!) and then there was a scene where Disco Inferno was playing so that was in my head all week. THANKS PATTY! Oh, Patty also served me Kool-Aid and it was the first time in fucking years that I’ve had Kool-Aid so that was awesome! Now I want to have a horror-movie watching dates with Patty more often. It’s hard to find people to watch horror movies with anymore!
    • LOL, but then later that night, I conned Henry into watching The Wailing with me so it was a good horror movie day. Horror movies are literally the only movies I ever give a shit about watching and I’m so sad that The Hollywood Theater down the street has a new owner because they were so good about showing really great indie horror movies and I could walk there at my convenience and not deal with douchebags on dates.
    • I dunno why I said that. There are douchebags all over, on dates or alone. THIS COUNTRY IS FULL OF THEM.
    • I AM SUPER BITTER.

  • Fucking around with my dumb hair before work one day. This is the size frames I’ve been searching for!  Brett Somers-style goal for life.
  • Chooch and I struggled to get through the last 3 episodes of The Walking Dead in order to be caught up for the mid-season premiere on Sunday and then I realized we couldn’t watch it then anyway because the Olympics closing ceremonies were on and of course I had to grudgingly watch the American broadcast dork it all up. Annnnd they did! Come on guys, two weeks wasn’t enough time to teach yourselves how to pronounce PyeongChang? I read Korean news sites and one of them had an article about that very topic during the first week of the Olympics. Like, it’s your fucking job as a journalist/reporter/commentator to KNOW HOW TO PRONOUNCE SHIT. CL was great, but I actually thought that EXO’s performance was a little bit lacking, only because I have seen them do sooo much more. But my favorite part was seeing someone I know in real life tweeting shit like, “I have no idea what they’re saying” – wow,  so superior. English is #1, right? Speak English or GTFO, right? Ah, Trump’s America. I mean, they were singing in Korean because they’re a Korean pop group and they were performing at the Olympics which were being held….IN KOREA. I just felt so disgusted that I actually know someone in real life who is that ignorant. Girl, bye.
  • But back to The Walking Dead – I’m so glad we got all caught up and pulled back in just for them to RIP OUR FUCKING HEARTS OUT. Ugh…no spoilers, don’t worry, but speaking of spoilers I have no idea how either of us managed to make it this far without hearing or reading a single thing about how the midseason finale ended.

  • Drew’s expression constantly. It’s always like she’s experiencing something for the first time and OMG WHAT IS BEHIND THIS DOOR THAT I WALKED THROUGH A BILLION TIMES BEFORE?!
  • The other day at work, Lauren got up from her desk and immediately tripped over a plastic bag and I started laughing really hard because people tripping is hilarious and she was like, “I WAS COMING OVER TO SEE YOU, TOO!” and that just made it even better because I was indirectly responsible for the bag-tripping.
  • Last night, I dreamt that I was hanging out with my friend Casandra at a pool and I was startled at first because she didn’t have arms or boobs but then I thought to myself, “Wait Erin, you know that she got a double arm amputation and mastectomy for political reasons, duh” and also her friend was with us but she only had ONE arm amputated because I guess she wasn’t as much of a political protester as Casandra. But yeah, then it wasn’t weird anymore.
    • Speaking of dreaming about friends with interestingly-modified appearances, I also dreamt last week that Lauren (the bag-tripper) came into work wearing these HUGE Louis Vuitton-print eyebrow stickers. I mean they were so fucking big and took up most of her forehead but no one thought it looked weird except for me, I guess. I bet they cost like $300 too.
  • Here’s a series called Take Your Cat to School Day (WOW THIS BLOG POST IS A FUCKING SMORGASBORD OF TOPICS):

  • I was watching some vlog about how blood donation centers in Seoul give people medals after a certain number of donations and first I was like, “Nope not even for a medal” because I can’t even barely THINK about donating blood without feeling woozy (like literally my wrists feel 진짜 sensitive right now, ugh) but then there are people like Amber who I swear are donating every time I turn around. So I started thinking about Amer walking around Seoul with a bunch of medals dripping of her neck, Olympian Mr. T-style. I told her about that today and Glenn mumbled, “Isn’t it fascinating how her mind works.” Oh whatever, Glenn will miss these random observations when I get my desk moved later this month!
  • Speaking of Glenn, I ran into some religious zealot handing out Jesus pamphlets near my building, so I giddily flashed it at everyone when I came back inside and sing-songed, “I’ve been saved again, you guys!” This made me remember that the last time I was saved, I filled out the back page with Glenn’s address and mailed it back  to the fly-by-night “church” after looking up his address on our department emergency contact page, despite Todd and Amber muttering stuff about how they didn’t think I should be doing that. Anyway, I forgot allll about it so I asked him the other day, very innocently, if he ever received anything “weird”  in the mail and he was like, “What, why…” and as I started to tell him, he stopped and said, “Yeah, actually, you know, what? I DID get something weird in the mail, more than once, and it was HAND-WRITTEN.” Haha yesssss.

Well, I can’t sit still for any longer so this is all you get. Well, this and J-Hope’s new MV. He’s my BTS bias and his new mixtape makes me love him even more!

Feb 252018
 

Last week was long, weird, and sad. It was also the anniversary of my Pappap’s death and I just didn’t want to deal with anything. But, life goes on and it’s time to close the book on that chapter! So here’s some notable things of the last several days, kind of notable, sort of notable, who cares — here’re some words.

  • Henry and Chooch went to the store Tuesday night and when they came back, I noticed that they were stopped on the sidewalk by Hot Naybor Chris. I was watching from the window, because I’m That Neighbor, almost peeing my pants with anticipation. WHAT WERE THEY TALKING ABOUT?! I accosted Henry before he was even all the way over the threshold (YOU KNOW, THOSE THINGS THAT BRIDES ARE CARRIED OVER, NOT LIKE I WOULD KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THAT). In a very casual way, Henry shrugged and said, “I don’t know, he was asking me if I’ve seen his garbage.” RECORD SCRATCH. HOLD UP WAIT A MINUTE. I had to press Henry for more information and apparently, Chris said when he left the house that morning, the garbagemen hadn’t picked up yet, so everyone’s garbage was still sitting on their lawns….EXCEPT FOR HNC’S!!! He was asking Henry if he saw it because Henry leaves for work at like 3:30AM, but Henry doesn’t normally make a point to see if everyone’s garbage is accounted for. I know, weird. This whole situation made me super excited. WHO STOLE HNC’S GARBAGE AND WHY!? According to HNC, his garbage was nothing special, just actual garbage. Mystery on Pioneer!
  • I finally made business cards for my new Kpop card shop and I love them! I gave some to some of my co-workers (not Glenn because he would just ridicule it) and I was happy that people were interested! Amber even asked me to tell her who all the people are on it and then she wrote their names above them. And then I gave one each to Nate and Ethan and we had a spirited conversation about Kpop and they’re considering dressing as Kpop idols for Halloween this year. (But, you know, probably not.)

  • I was off work on Wednesday, for no good reason but I’m trying to actually use my days before the “end of the year PTO crunch” where I’m rushed to take off random days so I don’t lose them. I usually don’t like taking a day off if I don’t have something to do, but I’m trying to get used to it. I expected to have a quiet day of kdramas, exercise, perhaps some card-designing, but then later that morning, the sirens started. I was unfazed at first because: Brookline. But then it kept going on for a solid 10 minutes and no matter which window I poked my head out of, Wack-A-Mole style, I couldn’t tell which direction the commotion was coming from.  There were so many firetrucks, etc, that it was surround sound. I called Henry at work because he’s the Prince of Police Scanners, but he was all, “I’M BUSY, ERIN. I’M AT WORK.” The cacophony eventually began to fizzle out, so  finished getting dressed and then set off on my walk to to Dormont post office because I refuse to deal with MAUREEN at the one closer to me. Suck it, ahjummah. As I was walking down my street, a firetruck came barrelling past me, kicking up all kind of dust and debris into my face. My eyes were screaming for a bit, and I talked myself out of writing a letter to the mayor by reminding myself that the firetruck was en route to probably put out an actual fire, so I SHOULD LET IT GO. God, this whole “training to play the part of a rational adult” is really grating my nerves.  I turned left onto West Liberty Ave and after a block of walking, MORE firetrucks roared by, these ones were from Mt. Lebanon. “Oh my, I wonder what’s going on,” some old broad said right as I was passing her on the sidewalk, so I slowed my roll and we talked for a bit about how we hoped it wasn’t a tragedy, and then I looked over my shoulder just in time to see the firetrucks TURN ONTO THE STREET THAT BLAKE LIVES ON. I called Henry ASAP and started screaming at him to call Blake. His half-assed response was that Blake was at work and OK. So I went to the post office and stopped to grab an iced latte at Dunkin’ Dunuts, but I just wasn’t satisfied with Henry’s lame response, so I walked down Blake’s street AND HELLO, THERE WERE EMERGENCY VEHICLES PARKED ALL ALONG THE BLOCK WHERE BLAKE AND HALEY’S BUILDING IS!? Part of the street was even blocked off! So I was like, “FUCK YOU HENRY I’M GOING IN!” and I knocked urgently on Blake’s door. Haley answered it and wasn’t covered in burning cinders, so that was a good sign. She said she and Calvin were fine, but apparently a house at the bottom of their hill was on fire, but she hadn’t seen any smoke. I mean, there were so many fire trucks from all over, it was apocalyptic. Even the NEWS CREW was there, so that’s how you know it was a big deal. So, that was about 457945798425 extra words to say that there was a fire near Blake and Haley but they are OK. You’re welcome for the reading exercise.
    • Also, thank god they live literally 1 minute from my house and I can POP IN WHENEVER I WANT.
      • Just kidding. I’m one mass shooting away from agoraphobia so I rarely pop in on anyone and please don’t pop in on me, either.
      • I wish we could go back to less scary times, like when everyone thought there were staples in Thin Mints. :(
  • After the passing of Jonghyun last December, this Seoul-based ring company re-released these commemorative rings that they made after Jonghyun’s first solo win on Music Core (a weekly music countdown show). There’s a soundwave of his voice engraved on the ring, from when he said, “Thank you, SHINee. Thank SHINees’ parents for giving lives to us. I love you, SHINee World.” I had to buy one, and it feels like I’m carrying a piece of him with me. I never take it off my finger.

  • In other Kpop news, GOT7 announced the dates for their world tour and Chooch and I desperately want to see them in Toronto this July but Henry hasn’t been convinced yet, and if we do this, then we probably definitely can’t do KCON in June, ugh I hate not having all of the money!

  • Here’s a picture of Drew and me, but don’t get it twisted: she’s only near me because her container of treats is right there. Ugh.
  • I finally upgraded phones. I had one of those beat iPhones with the degenerate batteries. I would leave my house with a 100% charge, walk 10 minutes to the trolley without even taking it out of my pocket, and it would be at 50%. Then, if I had the audacity to actually text or read the news on the 25 minute ride to work, my phone would be dead by the time I got downtown. Especially on really cold days! Henry thought I was making it up until all the articles came out awhile back, exposing Apple. Rather than go through the hassle of getting a replacement battery, I just upgraded to an 8 a few months early. THIS MEANT I GOT TO GET A NEW PHONE CASE AND YOU KNOW HOW SERIOUSLY I TAKE MY PHONE CASES! So I retired my obnoxious “eye-rolling forever” case (which is totally apropos because I can’t tell you how many times I get yelled at for rolling my eyes, esp. at work) for another obnoxious phone case:

  • Upgrading my phone meant that Chooch got my sloppy seconds. He knew that my phone was being delivered on Tuesday, so when he woke up that morning, the first thing he said was, “I GET A NEW PHONE TODAY!” New to him, I guess. He doesn’t have an actual plan, but he likes to use my old, garbage iPhones for game-playing purposes.
    • Late that night, I got a phone call from someone in Etna, PA. I didn’t answer because it was almost midnight and I figured it was probably a wrong number because friends don’t call friends anymore, like ew. But then I got a text that said, “Hey. Is this Erin?” and then I started panicking for clearly someone must have died if I’m getting phone calls and texts at midnight. I went upstairs and woke up Henry and as I started telling him this, Chooch called out from his room, “That was just me!” because he always gets those free phone numbers on my old phones and I should have fucking known this!!!
    • Friday night, he was still setting up his phone and I asked, “Do you have Janna’s number in there yet?” He didn’t so I gave it to him. “I’m going to text her and tell her to play Roblox,” he laughed, because she gets so annoyed when he hounds her about that. “WAIT!” I cried. “You should prank her first.” And that is how we spent an hour of our Friday night, sending Janna creepy texts, texting her her address, sending her the man silhouette emoji, etc etc. Then Chooch called her and breathed heavily and we were peeing our pants because I’m in 6th grade too and pranking people is my motherfucking wheelhouse, man. Then Janna sent me this!!!!

And it’s so funny because that was probably ME who was laughing at the end! I led her on for awhile, and when she mentioned that the call came from Etna, I said, “Maybe it’s the Scarehouse!” because that’s a haunted house in Etna, lol. Anyway, once she told me she blocked the number, I said, “That was a mistake.” And she was all, “?” So I sent her a video of Chooch cracking up and Janna said, “Goddammit.” I can’t believe she didn’t immediately accuse me?! “I mean, I’ve been doing this shit to her since like 1994,” I said to Henry. “Yeah, and now your spawn is doing it,” he said and I think I mistook his tone for pride when really it was disappointment.

  • My house was really missing something and then finally I realized it was ice cream cone garland. One of my IG friends commented on this picture and said she wants to be like me when she grows up and I said the secret is to just not ever grow up. And that’s how you can get away with living in a colorful dump decorated with party supplies.

  • I will end this with a picture of beautiful Kwon Jiyong at his last fan event in Jeju Island before he enlists in the military this week. But guess what?? I just read that he’s going into the same division or whatever as the actor who played Lawyer Noh on Love In Trouble (Suspicious Partner)!
Feb 012018
 

Here are some things that I’m currently super into, aside from photobombing 75% of my own pictures with my dumb hand.

  1. Trying to poison my work friends

I bought these “brown sugar flavor” rice crackers at the Asian market last weekend because that box is cute AF. I tried to tempt Lori with one, but she was all, “EW THESE ARE OUT OF DATE!” and I was like, “Oh shit, you’re right” and then I blamed Henry because he’s the one who usually checks for that shit at the store. I was going to throw them away but Glenn was like, “DON’T THROW THEM AWAY. THEY’RE FINE” and Lauren was like, “maybe just put a disclaimer on  them like you did with the [red bean White Rabbits].” I was going to do that but I forgot and then people started taking them on their own and by that point I felt like I was in too deep in my web of lies, so I just LET IT HAPPEN. No one has died yet. I did tell Lloyd that they were out of date and he said, “Well in that case, I’m taking two.” So then it turned into this weird carnival of people who wanted to eat the expired rice crackers, like it was a dare or something. And Glenn even admitted that he liked them. Not that they were “ok” or “not bad,” but that he genuinely liked them! It was still really funny though when Lori pointed out because I got all defensive and yelled, “NOVEMBER WAS NOT THAT LONG AGO!” and “I mean, it’s not like it’s MILK!” Oh, Asian snacks. You make the workplace so much fun!

P.S. Don’t let those bars of chocolate on the box fool you — there is no chocolate in these rice crackers.

2. Etude House Dear Darling Tint

So I kept putting this off and putting this off, but then I got an Amazon gift card from work for Christmas so I decided to finally buy some of this lip gloss I’d been wanting to try for awhile. It came from Korea so of course it took for-fucking-ever and I only just got it yesterday. Worth it. It’s so light and has a subtle grape taste! I love it and am going to buy so many more when I’m there next month. Here I am wearing it. I do not know how to model lipgloss.

3. Sharing old diaries and blog posts with Chooch

I was cleaning out my closet (LOL not really but sort of) and found my very first DIARY, which I have probably already shared on here before but it fucking cracks me up every time I read it (there are only three pages so it’s not like I have to carve out much time for that) because I am still basically eight years old. I let Chooch read it and he was obsessed and then was like, “THAT’S IT!? WHY DIDN’T YOU WRITE MORE?!” Now that he’s older, I’m having fun showing him some of my blog posts about him too, like this one I stumbled upon the other day from when he was sick in 2011. And then he’s all, “OMG was I really like that?” and then we get to have a real bonding moment all because I plastered his entire childhood all over the Internet.

4. Turning Henry into a fan boy

For Christmas, Henry got me a gift certificate for Choice Music (it’s all kpop). In a highly unusual and selfless move, I bought him something as well — the above standing Jimin doll so that we can be matching because I have the G-Dragon set. Jimin if you remember is the BTS bias I chose for Henry and he gets really flustered about it probably because it’s true. I couldn’t wait to show him this little gift, but when I gave it to him, he was like, “Are you fucking serious” and I was like, “You have to take it to work and keep Jimin on your desk!” but he said, “NO.” Ugh! Of course Chooch was like, “i’ll have it” though. Also, I should note that I only bought this because I was almost to my gift certificate limit and was trying to find something cheap.

I’ll tell you what though, Henry is totally a K-Drama whore though. I think Park Bo Young is his drama bias. I can’t start anything new without him appearing out of nowhere and asking, “WHICH ONE ARE YOU WATCHING NOW.” Sigh.

Just kidding it’s awesome and I love it.

5. Slangin’ my greeting cards!

You guys this has been the Valentine season we’ve ever had, to the point where we almost can’t keep up with sales. We keep our inventory low because it’s time-consuming to print and assemble the cards only to have them sit on a shelf for a year because no one buys it – even when we’ve analyzed our sales and determined what are heavy-hitters are, printing those in advance is a sure-fire to jinx sales. What this means is that most of our cards are made to order — it’s just more price-efficient for us that way. But those little sets that I made this year have been a hot commodity! So I think that once V-Day is over, we will try to slowly build up some inventory for those at least. I have been loving this though – these cards are my babies, and it just makes me so happy that there are people out there who like them, and a lot of them are repeat customers too!

This has also been keeping me busy and distracted so that I’m not flipping out or succumbing to depression or having a fit about the wind blowing the wrong way — you just don’t know with me. I’ve been pretty difficult to be around lately. Anyway, what this means is that my brain has just wanted to create create create so I’m also working on a Golden Girls line of Valentines! I’ll do a full post on those this weekend, but I’m pretty excited about them.

6. My K-Kountdown Kalendar!

After some of my coworkers found out about my upcoming trip, they started to question if there was going to be a countdown calendar like the one Lori made me for the G-Dragon concert. When my SHINee Season’s Greeting set came a few weeks ago, I realized that the poster-sized monthly calendars could be perfect for this cause. February 1st seemed like a good time to start, so I brought in the February (Onew!) and March (Jonghyun, RIP) posters, taped them up  to the side of my cubical wall thing, and then made an airplane.

Chris is really blessed that his office door is right in front of this so he gets to see these beautiful faces every time he emerges.

LOL my dumb face. Amber was like, “Aren’t you going to put Henry and Chooch on it too” and I was like THIS IS NOT ABOUT THEM THIS IS ABOUT ME, a la 1988 Diary-Writing Erin.

The only downside to this is that there are some people here who didn’t previously know about this so the calendar unlocked Pandora’s Box and people had questions. Which is great but I have been trying to not be super-annoying about this for the sake of those who sit near me, but it’s hard for me to not be like, “OMG OMG OMG” especially when people are asking me about it! I had hoped to get through the whole day without hearing this, but eventually there was that one HILARIOUS “hopefully it’s still by then” comment. It’s whatever though. Traveling anywhere is a risk. Walking out the front door is a risk.

7. Poet/Artist

My Jonghyun preorder arrived today. I am obsessed with this album, especially the song “Take the Dive.” It’s so bittersweet that he didn’t stay with us long enough to enjoy the success of this release because it really feels like a masterpiece. :(

OK well, I had leftover kimchi bokkeumbap for dinner and now I need to put my head down or go for a walk, I haven’t decided which.

Jan 262018
 

  • I’m working my late shift from home today, which means that I had all morning to do “errand”-y things but mostly I just exercised and watched Heirs. I did, however, have to walk to the post office because we had a bunch of cards that needed scanned in. Even though we print the shipping labels straight from Etsy, Henry and I try to physically take them to the post office to have someone scan them in because sometimes this doesn’t happen and then wow, what a waste of a tracking number, when it never updates from “label printed.” Anyway, fucking Maureen was working today and she is goddamn miserable. I have dealt with her hundreds of times, and even talked to her at length once about the terrible experience she had as an Etsy user (“I bought a picture and the seller’s measurements were off by a half-inch!!!!!”), but today suddenly she decided that she could not scan these in for me because they didn’t meet the proper criteria for First Class shipping and I was like, “Are you kidding, because I have been doing this for 8 years and literally no postal clerk has ever said anything…” and she countered with, “Some clerks just don’t know the regulations but I have been here for 30 years…” and she was so mean to me about it, which was ridiculous because the post office had literally just opened so her day should not have been that shitty yet for her to treat customers so poorly (she straight up yelled at the old lady in front of me who was buying $40 worth of stamps “just to have, just in case.”). Fuck you, Maureen. Maybe it’s time to HANG IT UP. So then I walked to the other post office in Dormont where Jan happily scanned in my envelopes for me THANK YOU JAN. And again, FUCK YOU, MAUREEN
    • Then I walked to Muddy Cup where the psychic hand-toucher under-charged me for a Bleeding Heart iced latte and we bonded over The Verve’s Bittersweet Symphony. I told her that it always reminds me of the day I went to get the key to my first apartment in 1997. It was raining hard that day in December, and I stopped at Music Oasis in South Park afterward to buy The Verve’s CD. THERE, NOW YOU AND THE COFFEE GIRL KNOW THE SAME FUN FACT ABOUT ME.
  • Henry said he couldn’t find Chooch the other day when I was still at work, and then found him sitting in a chair in the corner of his dark room (you can’t see back there unless you walk all the way into his room because it’s a little nook), with his eyes closed and Nirvana playing on his Alexa. He told Henry he was “just relaxing.” Why does that weirdo crack me up so easily!? Side bar: they’re learning about Nirvana in his music class at school which I think is just fucking wonderful, and also funny because when I was his age, Nirvana was definitely one of those bands that teachers “didn’t understand” and parents didn’t want their kids to listen to. That scary fucking Seattle grunge, and all.

  • My SHINee Season’s Greetings finally arrived the other day! Most of the kpop groups offer these really awesome calendar/planner sets each year. BIG BANG didn’t do one, but when I saw that SHINee had one, I knew I had to have it because Taemin is everything. And then the passing of Jonghyun happened, so this is even more special now, and also excruciating to see all of these beautiful pictures of his friendly face. Is it weird to still feel such a mourning sensation in my heart and gut? Because I do, and it’s there, and I’m not sure when it will be leaving, especially since his last album was just released posthumously this week and it’s stunning. A true work of art. He did so well, and now I’m choking on my stupid tears all  over again.
    • The song “Take the Dive” especially gets me so upset but it’s so good that I have been listening it to so much all week  because: torture.
    • Anyway, each month has its own book/planner thingie and I already started using mine as a mini-diary. Yesterday’s entry said,
      TODAY IS DUMB AND MY HAIR IS DUMB TOO. Is it still a diary if I just told you?

  • Some of you OHE readers have been around long enough to know that I used to have a pen pal on deathrow. His name is Greg and I started writing to him in 2002 or 2003. Anyway, somewhere around the time I started working at the law firm, I got lazy/busy/sidetracked and even though he was still sending me thoughtful birthday and Christmas cards, I was a terrible pen pal and never responded. Eventually, Greg stopped sending me letters and I would occasionally think about sending him a card or something but then I would get distracted and it would go back on one of 87 backburners. Ugh, I need to be more organized. Anyway, a few weeks ago, I received an email out of the blue from the woman he is now engaged to! She found my contact info online and it was so nice to receive a friendly email with updates from my old penpal. I asked her to remind me of Greg’s address, and this time I actually did send a card. I got a return letter from him this week and I was so happy! NOW CHOOCH ISN’T THE ONLY ONE WITH A PENPAL.
  • My current weight loss motivation is to be able to shop at the “one-size” clothing stores when I’m in Seoul and newsflash to me, this probably AIN’T HAPPENIN’ in under two months. I’m currently a size 6 in most brands and a size 8 in others, which is considered PLUS-SIZED in South Korea so congrats to me for being the future fatty American tourist. Maybe if I just stick with tops?! UGH.

  • I never see any of these people in Dormont?
  • Chooch just took a “where in the world should you live” BuzzFeed quiz and his result was Italy but the photo they used was THE SAME PICTURE USED FOR THE PUZZLE WE WERE DOING RECENTLY! YOU KNOW, THE DREADED PUZZLE THAT WOULD NOT LEAVE OUR DINING ROOM TABLE EXCEPT FOR THE 283704 TIMES A DAY THE CATS KNOCKED PARTS OF IT OFF!??!

Well guys, I’m off. Hope everyone has a splendid weekend!

Jan 212018
 

Dear friends, it is a Sunday and I am in the mood to hear the keys on my laptop tap (I pretend that it’s morse code) so you know what that means: a worthless bulletpoint post!

  • There has been speculation over the last few years that Pittsburgh might have a serial killer. I am definitely on the believing side of this and I’m PRETTY SURE I saw him during my lunch break walk the other day. He was standing on a corner, waiting to cross the street, this tall yet crooked older man, in his fifties with greasy black hair and a bald spot, wearing dirty black coveralls. HIS FACE WAS SO STRANGE I KNOW IT WAS HIM. I was on the phone with Henry and immediately described him. “Wow,” Henry said. “I’m so excited to be dating a CIA profiler.” Then I told Lori at work and she was definitely not convinced. “Aren’t serial killers supposed to just look like regular people though?” she countered and I was like SHUT UP LORI IT WAS DEFINITELY HIM UGH.
  • The coffee shop in Brookline has changed owners AGAIN. Now it’s called 802 Bean or something dumb (it’s just the address of Brookline Blvd, I hate when restaurants and cafes do that, like how generic and uninspired. Name it after your fucking grandma or something at least). Anyway, Chooch and I walked there on our day off last Monday and the broad running the place was nice enough but we miss the Lebanese man and his dog Max, and also the college girl who sometimes worked there and always asked me how Chooch was doing if I ever wandered in without him because all anyone in this damn town cares about is HOW CHOOCH IS DOING because he’s so fucking famous ugh. Anyway, Chooch said his hot chocolate was just OK and my chai latte was weak as fuck so as much as I love supporting our local businesses, I think I’ll just be patronizing Muddy Cup in Dormont from now on.
    • On our walk home, we were talking about why the other guy gave up Cafe Noir when we walked past his house (he lives right up the road from us) and Chooch pointed out in distress that the PLAYHOUSE THEY HAD IN THEIR YARD IS GONE OMG THEY MOVED NOOOOOOO. Chooch started crying because he loved their dog, Max. We told Henry and he was just like, “Oh.”
  • Henry generally picks me up from work (it’s the least he can do since he forces me to take the damn trolley every day!!!) and I allow him to park several blocks away from my building because it’s more convenient for him and also because I like to walk. In order to get to the car, I have to walk through Market Square. On Friday, some younger guy came out of Winghart’s (some fancy burger place that I don’t care about) right as I was about to walk past, so I ended up behind him. In front of Primanti’s, he slowed his pace and asked what appeared to be no one in particular, “Aren’t there any bars around here?” I looked around and I was the only one close enough that he could have been talking to, so I shrugged and went with it. I told him that there were, but that most of them were bar/restaurants and not just like, you know, dive bars. He asked me if I worked down there and there I was, naively answering his questions because I had an OK day at work and was not in my typical foul evening mood. He had fallen into place with me by this point and now we were walking together, which wasn’t uncomfortable at all (IT WAS), and he just kept asking me more and more questions and I was dumbly answering them because I either am super stand-offish or a goddamn motor mouth, you never know what you’re going to get with me. By this point, I could see our car and Henry was watching this whole thing play out from the driver’s side window. And then, as expected, the guy asked me if I wanted to get a drink with him and I was like, “NOPE THAT’S MY RIDE RIGHT THERE BYE NOW” and literally ran like Phoebe to the car. Henry loved every second that he witnessed. I was just happy that this guy was young, at least 10 years younger than me, and not the usual vagabond I attract while carousing around the streets of Pittsburgh. I mean, this guy at least looked like he had a job, but I’m not sure I believed him when he told me he was an “investor.” I haven’t been asked out since that one time two years ago when I was waiting to cross the street and some bum asked me for fifty cents and then wanted to know if I was single.
  • I have been listening to so much Taemin lately that it’s amazing I haven’t spontaneously conceived.
  • I grew tired of not being able to watch my Korean shows without Henry and Chooch, so I started some new ones without them and now Henry is all OOOH WHAT ARE THESE SHOWS WHO IS THAT WHAT ARE THEY TALKING ABOUT WHO IS THAT PERSON NOW and I’m just like WHYYYYYYY.
  • Chooch and my friend Lizz’s daughter have become pen pals and it’s the cutest thing! They both like Got7 so they write to each other about that. Chooch got his first letter from her the other day and was like, “Yeah it’s really cool and she sent me stickers, but she hardly wrote anything.” He showed me the letter, which had like three lines and then her signature. I flipped it over and said, “Um, did you even read the front?” Because THERE WAS AN ENTIRE FRONT TO THE LETTER but my genius kid started reading from the wrong side and then never considered turning the page over. #booksmart
  • I had to go to the post office yesterday morning to mail some cards (ETSY SHOP PLUG) and I realized pretty quickly that I didn’t have my wallet which is less of a wallet and more of a Pusheen ID holder that I shove all of my stuff into. I started to panic because I didn’t want to wait until Monday to see if I left it at work and I didn’t want to go through the hassle of canceling all of my cards, and then I started to have flashbacks of that guy who was walking with me after work on Friday and began to wonder if him feigning interest was all just a ruse to PICKPOCKET ME OMG I AM SO DUMBZ0RZ. But then Henry drove me down to work (I couldn’t take the T because my stupid ConnectCard is also in my wallet and I didn’t want to drive down myself because of parking and and and AISHHHHH what to do!!!) Henry dropped me off at my building and I expected to walk in and talk to the weekend  security guard immediately except that two guys from a vending company got there before me and were trying to make a delivery, but the frazzled security guy, who was also in the middle of a phone call, couldn’t find them on the schedule and was trying desperately to get them to go away but they were like, “That’s because we were supposed to be yesterday but couldn’t make it so please just let us in to make this delivery” and the whole thing screamed SCOOBY DOO EPISODE to me, like they were smuggling in haunted mummy parts in those supposed potato chip boxes, but the security guard was all, “No can do” so the leader of the fake vending delivery guys declared that he would make a phone call and be back, so those two stepped off to the side and the security guard started to go back to his phone call, but then saw me standing there, and I quickly cried about needing to find my wallet and could someone escort me to the 10th floor since I didn’t have my badge, so he held up a finger and into a walkie-talkie he calmly said, “Tyrone, please come down to the security desk” and I was like OMG WHAT IS TYRONE GOING TO DO TO ME” and then the security guy went back to his phone call, which evidently was with the police and he was giving some kind of report of an altercation he had broken up. After a minute or so, he thanked whoever was on the other end for their time, just as Tyrone had arrived. The guard called me back over to the desk to have me sign in while he was flipping through a binder of After Hour Procedures for my company. “What did you say your name was again?” he asked, and I noticed that he was looking for me in the employee listing. Things were starting to get tense as he couldn’t find my name and he tried to make me feel better by saying that maybe the list just hadn’t been updated.  I said, “Well, I’ve been working here for 8 years, so….” when I realized that he was looking in the E’s. “Um, maybe could you try looking in the K’s for Kelly?” I gently suggested, at which point he found my name and then it slowly occurred to him what he was doing wrong and he slapped himself on the forehead. Dude was having a bad Saturday morning at the law firm security desk, for sure. So then Tyrone escorted me to the 10th floor and made it very clear that he was in no mood for cordial small talk. He buzzed me in and asked if I needed anything else. “Do you need to stay and wait for me?” I asked, assuming that he did since I AM A SUSPICIOUS COULD-BE CRIMINAL. “I mean, no, because you work here, unless you need me to get you into any other areas?” he asked. I said I didn’t so he was all PEACE and left me alone to raid all the candy bowls. J/K, I just ran over to my desk, thankfully found my Pusheen wallet, and left. It took literally 10 seconds. When I got back down to the lobby to sign out, I cheerfully waved my wallet at Tyrone and the main guard, who were both just like, “Yay.” And that’s my lost wallet story.
  • Chooch is watching some dumb Disney show that he likes and I hate having English shit on in the background, what has happened to me.
  • This morning as we were waking up, Henry said, “Oh! I remember why I wanted to go to Pat Catan’s yesterday. I wanted to enter the $1000 sewing giveaway they’re having!” That’s my little Henry Homemaker. It’s now hours later and Henry went to Pat Catan’s like he had planned. I asked him if he entered the giveaway and he said, “Oh shit, I forgot.” Oh for God’s sake.
  • Chooch was sequestered in his room for a while yesterday and when he came out, he had all of these origami weapons, including paper Freddy Kreuger claws for every finger. Later on, he drew his paper gun at me and I actually flinched. He also made a paper knife with a red cardstock hilt and Henry was like, “DO NOT TAKE THIS TO SCHOOL I SWEAR TO GOD IF I CALL THAT YOU GOT DETENTION…” and that just made Chooch’s ego swell because clearly that means Henry thinks his dumb paper arsenal looks “real” enough to get him in trouble at school.
  • We had another Family Kpop Dance Workout Night last night! I think we’ve managed to make it an entire 4 weeks in a row without Henry making up some lame excuse, which leads me to believe that he must really like this. I like to put on the routines that are extra-specially stripper-y because watching him try to do bodyrolls with his trucker physique is amazing.
  • I made my first sale the other day in my new Kpop card shop and I was so excited about it at work and everyone just gave me patronizing smiles. Whatever.
  • Chooch has been writing disparaging things about Penelope on his whiteboard and I’m getting so mad! The other day he wrote “Penelope (dumb fuck). Drew (lawyer)” ugh. Penelope is not a dumb fuck!! She just…can’t jump very well.
  • Hey speaking of Chooch getting a penpal, I was contacted a few weeks ago by the fiancee of my old death row penpal that I lost touch with (totally my fault!). It was really cool to hear from her and she gave me Greg’s address so I could reconnect with him. I sent him a congratulations card last week and apologized for being a shitty penpal. We had been corresponding since like 2003 or so! So maybe now Chooch and I will both have penpals!
  • Ugh Chooch is driving me crazy with his weird paper weapons!! Every time I turn around, he is all up in my face with some dumb paper pistol and I just threatened to start a fire in a garbage can and throw his weaponry in it.
  • TWO MONTHS AND ONE DAY UNTIL SOUTH KOREA!!

Well, I need to go annoy my family with my high-maintenance demands. Hope everyone is having a fantastic weekend!

Jan 082018
 

Here’s a quickie.

  • Chooch the Entrepreneur has been theatrically shoveling sidewalks in order to lure the residents out with cash in their hands. Hot Naybor Chris gave him tips on how to really get down to the sidewalk and the Italian guy a few houses down GAVE HIM $20. TWENTY FUCKING BUCKS to shovel a sidewalk that’s only like 20 feet. A DOLLAR A FOOT?! Jesus Christ this kid is a swindler. He was out there again tonight and made another $8. He doesn’t even ask for it. They just come out of their houses with it. Ugh. I want to make money too!! I’m going to buy a snowblower.

  • I finally finished the Goblin series (it’s a Korean drama from 2016-2017) and I am emotionally desiccated. I purposely dragged it out because I didn’t want it to end / dreaded how much I was going to cry when it did end. I tried to tell Henry how it ended but I got too choked up. To sum it up real quick without spoilers: there’s a Goblin, a reaper (he’s my favorite), a girl who can see ghosts, a chicken shop owner who is IMO the prettiest girl in South Korea, and the soundtrack is SO BEAUTIFUL. I will never be able to listen to any of these songs without sobbing uncontrollably though.

  • hey speaking of “finally doing something,” we finally put our Halloween cornstalks out with the trash tonight. Yeah they’ve been tied to the pillars of our front porch since late September, WHAT OF IT??!! #thathouse
  • I really want to start roller skating regularly again but there’s only one local rink left and I dislike the people who run it. WHAT TO DO. And then I had a flash-forward to me rollerskating, falling, breaking my leg, and not being able to KpopX for MONTHS.
  • For the first time in 9 years, Henry mixed up a card order. I found out today when someone contacted me on Etsy to say that they ordered a BTS birthday card for their daughter but received one that said “I don’t know if I want to date you or put your head on a stick.” YEP Henry sent a fucking serial killer card to a lady who ordered an innocent KPOP card. Awesome. I refunded her money but wanted to just give her ALL MY MONEY IM SO SORRY LADY. :(
    • I made a separate shop for my KPOP cards (Hello Hanguk!) but I haven’t had a chance to sit down and make a banner and all that jazzy stuff just yet so they have to rub elbows with the serial killers over at noncompos for just a bit longer. Sigh.

  • Drew’s new thing is jumping and perching on Chooch. They have a strange relationship.
  • I didn’t watch the Golden Globes.
  • I bought this chrysanthemum tea stuff at the Asian market even though Henry barked, “YOURE NOT GOING TO LIKE THAT!” and then when he saw the price, it was all, “YOU BETTER DRINK EVERY LAST PACKET!!!” (It was only $8 but he has a blue collar wallet). Anyway, it wasn’t tea per se, but “honey-coated chrysanthemum crystals” — literally packets full of small gold balls that dissolve in water and is already WAY SWEETENED. So yeah, it was great! Granted, I didn’t mix it well enough so by the time I got to the end of it, it tasted like I was drinking out of a flower pot. I made Glenn try one and he monotoned, “It’s not bad. All I taste is the honey. Would be good iced, too, maybe.” WHAT A GREAT REVIEW! He should do this professionally on YouTube. I gave one to Lauren too. She didn’t try it yet but said she’ll be sure to have her epi pen ready.
  • Hey speaking of work, our little group used to pass out this giant thumb award to the person who did something good that week, but now that Amber’s our supervisor, she decided that the thumb is ready to be retired and replaced it with A BOB ROSS CHIA PET! I was privy to this ahead of time because I’m awesome and people come to me for team-builiding advice (LOL) but I liked Amber’s chia pet suggestion so much that I didn’t even bother contributing my own ideas. CHIA PET. Anyway, she debuted it in today’s meeting and I quickly said, “Well, I think I should get it first because, um, I talked about this stuff or whatever” and half-heartedly pointed at the email I talked about for like 3 minutes while roughly snatching the chia pet from the middle of the table. FIRST!
  • I have to go back to the dentist tomorrow for round 2 of my deep cleaning, god help me. (Actually, it’s totally worth it because I am fucking obsessed with my gums and thought that I had gum disease and was going to lose all of my teeth. The hygienist assured me that my gums will be fine after a deep cleaning and my teeth aren’t falling out.)
  • The other night, I was angry so I rage-cut my hair. My hair was getting pretty long so you can’t really tell, but I just grabbed chunks of it and started cutting. The sound of scissor blades crunching on dry hair is sooooo pleasing to me. I might need to start cutting other people’s hair though because at the rate my temper has been flaring lately, I might be looking like GI Jane. I have issues, but at least I’m upfront about them…?!!?

That’s all I got for now. I was originally going to have a non compos cards Valentine commercial but Henry’s card blunder RUINED THAT for now and I can’t look at my cards so maybe tomorrow we’ll see.

Dec 282017
 

Here are some things I don’t want to forget in the midst of holiday madness.

  • There was a stand-off several houses up from ours a few weeks ago. I thought it was just some lame excuse that Henry made up so that he wouldn’t have to pick me up from work, saying that our car was blocked by several police cars and that the road was closed. “There are police walking around on our street with guns drawn,” he texted and I was like, “How many?” “A lot,” followed by pictures of the SWAT team suiting up in the parking lot across from our house so I was a believer at that point. Eventually, Henry said they were putting some old, frail man in handcuffs into the back of a police car, while a lady and kid were talking to other officers in the parking lot. When Henry described which house it was, I realized that it was the same one that just a week before had a bunch of fire trucks and ambulances in front of it when Chooch and I went on our nightly walk. On the way back, we saw the ambulance leaving with someone in the back. I wonder if this was related!? Henry said he heard the cops say “negotiate” into the bullhorn. At first my mind immediately went to “domestic issue” but now I’m wondering if it was a suicide attempt?! Of course it wasn’t on the news so it probably didn’t involve drugs, I guess.
    • My gut-reaction was to rant about how we have to move ASAP, but then it made me think about how it doesn’t matter how nice or how shitty your neighborhood is, this stuff happens everywhere. There was just a really bad stand-off a few years ago a street away from where Janna lives, in the same SUPER NICE, WHITE PICKET FENCE area I grew up in as well, plus we went to high school with way too many people who have since OD’d or been straight-up murdered over drugs.
  • The other day when I was at work, Chooch started rapid-fire messaging me about Got7, because he apparently imprinted on them somehow even after seeing their videos/hearing their songs a millions times from me — I guess this was something that just needed to happen on his own terms, organically, but he is suddenly shook by Got7 and I’m ok with this because we need other fandoms in this house. (I’m a VIP and Henry is totally a Blackjack.)

  • On one of our walks the other day, Chooch said “sick” for the fortieth time and I snapped out and yelled, “Ugh stop saying that it’s so annoying!” I don’t know why it was bothering me, I guess I’m just getting old? Anyway, it reminded me of a time from when I was friends with Christina (RIP best friendship of my whole life that was also the biggest disaster, aren’t they all) and she would say “my bad” constantly (probably because she was always fucking up around me!!). I just lost it this one time and yelled, “I HATE WHEN YOU SAY THAT! IT’S SO DUMB!” when it never bothered me anytime someone would say it. I made her start saying “personal error” instead and then eventually let her shorten it to “per err.” I guess Chooch was actually paying attention when I told him this story on our walk (usually he just kicks rocks and waits impatiently for me to wrap it up so he can start talking about math equations or corgis) because now he says “personal error” hahaha.
  • There is a stink bug flying around my house as I type this and I’m the only person in the world who is not bothered by these creatures. In fact, I try to save them.
  • Now I’m at work.
  • My friend Courtney  made me these cutie Golden Girl magnets! One can never have enough Golden Girls memorabilia around the house, I always say.
  • Chooch and I started watching “I’m Not a Robot” to combat our sadness. It’s a good show but I’m mostly excited that it was Chooch’s idea to start watching a new Korean drama, when he has, up until now, been pretty uninterested in that part of the whole Hallyu wave. (Trying to get that kid to watch Running Man with us is like trying to get him to take medicine.)

  • Speaking of “me n’ Chooch,” here we are unintentionally matching a few weeks ago. This picture sucks because Henry took it.
    • Also, shout out to the random wig on the floor underneath the stool.
  • Me: “I should wish my Mexican taco cart boyfriend a….merry Mexican Christmas” Henry: “Feliz Navidad.” Me: “That’s what I said.” (Honestly though, things are really heating up with my Mexican taco cart boyfriend. I tried to wave to him the one night we were walking past but  my hand got stuck in my coat pocket and I tugged it out with so much force that I almost punched myself in the face. I WONDER IF HE WOULD HAVE CONSOLED ME IF THAT HAPPENED?)
  • I was at the post office in the next town over last week, which is my favorite post office because it has that old small-town charm about it and everyone knows the sleepy postal workers. On this particular day, the older man in front of me got a phone call and his fucking ringtone was HELLO MOTO. Holy shit did that take me back. I mean, not all the way to back to Mayberry times, but definitely to the early 00s which seem like another lifetime ago. Then I started thinking about how I avoided getting a cell phone until the winter of 2006 because I hated the idea of people being able to reach me anywhere, but then I was about to have a baby and decided that maybe it would be nice to have a cell phone in case I went into labor in the bathroom of the Cathedral of Learning or whatever. #PregnantInCollege
  • I was about to write some things about the Jonghyun aqua moon phenomenon but when I went to get the link, I re-read the thing and then started to cry at my desk, so you can just read the thing for yourself I guess. I’m having a hard time with this one.
  • When he doesn’t even trust you to microwave noodles:

  • I took a half day yesterday and was really looking forward to that all morning, almost like it was an early dismissal from school. I don’t know why I was so excited, because it’s not like I had anything planned. HOWEVER, I had to take the T home and for some reason, it took over 30 minutes for the one I needed to come and I thought maybe I was just overreacting in my mind, but the lady next to me was like, “WTF WHERE ARE ALL OF THE RED LINES THREE OF THEM SHOULD HAVE COME AND GONE BY NOW WHAT IS HAPPENING TO THEM WHEN THEY GET TO THE NORTH SHORE?!” and I was like, “Wow, my level of anger is finally appropriate for the situation!” so then I raged along with the lady and then we had a cathartic chuckle when a red line trolley finally rolled up, only for there to be some kind of “situation” on the track later on, which caused us to have to sit in a stationary trolley for 40 MINUTES IT TOOK ME SO LONG TO GET HOME WHEN IT SHOULD HAVE ONLY TAKEN A HALF HOUR TOPS I WAS SO MAD AND I TOOK IT OUT ON HENRY WHEN HE CAME HOME LATER UGH.
  • When we took Chooch to apply for his passport, he was fixated on the fact that they “only come in blue” and that he couldn’t choose a different color. So I got him this corgi passport cover for Christmas, which is also Union Jack themed – he’s a total anglophile and if he had his way, his first stamp would be from England. TOO BAD SONNY BOY, IT’S GONNA BE FROM S. KOREA, DEAL WITH IT.
  • For our Korean dinner party on Saturday, Henry and I have been making kpop teacups and banchan bowls out of glassware we bought at Goodwill. It’s been a lot of fun (except for when Henry fucks one up and I’m forced to whip him) and I’m pretty obsessed with it now, especially after the BIGBANG dessert tray we made today came out looking like a fucking heirloom. I’ll post all the pictures once we have them all done!
  • I had a flashback on Christmas to this time when I was in second grade and my aunt Sharon took me to the computer store in Pleasant Hills because she said her goddaughter Nicky, this ginger girl who was the same age as me and I lowkey hated her because I thought Sharon liked her more than me (I know, that doesn’t sound like me at all!), was getting a computer for Christmas and Sharon wanted me to pick out some games for her. Since I didn’t like Nicky, I went straight for MATHBLASTERS because I personally thought it sounded like a terrible game because I hated math. Well guys guess what? Turns out I was the one getting a computer (an Apple II GS!) and Sharon was using the Nicky slant as a guise to help her gauge which games she should get me. UGH, FOILED. I hated that ficking game so much. I was awful at it! But I loved that computer, though. And the printer that came with the green and white lined paper that had to be perfectly lined up with the holes in the printer or else it wouldn’t feed through properly and the whole thing would just shit the bed.
    • I still hate printers so fucking much.
    • And math.

Um, I think that’s all I have to say for now.

Dec 122017
 

Bulletpoints for any chingu of mine who’s into that shit. (That originally said “whose” because I AM SO SMRTZ.)

  • Secret Santa started today! I’m not really into Christmas this year but I did sign up for Secret Santa because it’s good old-fashioned office fun and we could definitely used that shit up in here always. I already mentioned that I’m happy with who I got and I put a lot of thought in my choices. So today, I got in and there was nothing on my desk. That’s OK! Some people work different shifts so this happens. I got up, made some coffee, talked to Carrie for a bit, and came back to my desk. “Aw, there’s still nothing here!” I cried to Glenn like a baby, but then I noticed a red gift bag on the floor next to my desk! I was so excited! I started tearing out tufts of tissue paper and unearthed a Kenneth Cole toiletry bag. I thought it was weird that it was a standard camel-colored leather and not like, flamingo pink or gold glittered, which is my style, but I loved it nevertheless! I opened it and tore out the compacted wads of stuffing while regaling Glenn with a tale from my golden youth. Here I’ll tell you:
    • My grandma had this friend, JEAN ARSONEUX, who once gave me a white purse when I was around 5 years old, and when I opened it, it was chockablock of small toys and things like Bonne Bell lipgloss and what was that kids’ nail polish called that peeled off? That stuff, too. So then I just assumed that all purses came stuffed with things but SADLY this has not happened to me again. The end.
  • Back to Secret Santa. I was showing Glenn my new bag and said, “YOU KNOW WHAT I’M GOING TO DO WITH THIS? TAKE IT TO KOREA WITH ME AND FILL IT WITH KOREAN BEAUTY PRODUCTS!” and then Glenn said something about hoping I get stopped by TSA and that reminded me of ANOTHER story from when I was 11….
    • ….and got food poisoning in Rome, Italy and my aunt Sharon went down to the hotel restaurant to get me rolls and other starchy things for breakfast so I wouldn’t puke. I mean, this was the last day of vacation but it still went down in history as the Time Erin Ruined Vacation which would make family members ask, “Wait, but which time though?” Anyway, we left Italy the next day to go home and Sharon got whisked off into some holding cell/interrogation room because SHE FORGOT TO TAKE THE BUTTER KNIFE OUT OF HER PURSE from the hotel and it turned into a whole terrorist thing and my pappap was so pissed and Sharon was crying and I was cracking up and frantically scribbling all of this down in my travel journal and my grandma was all, “OH HONESTLY SHARON AND ERIN!!!” Spoiler: Sharon got to come home with us.
  • Seriously, back to Secret Santa for real this time. A few minutes later, [REDACTED UNTIL SECRET SANTA IS OVER] came over and was all, “Can you put that bag on [REDACTED UNTIL SECRET SANTA IS OVER]’s desk for me?” And I was like, “So this isn’t mine?” And [REDACTED] was all, “No, sorry, I thought you were in the kitchen and went in there to tell you, but you weren’t there” and I was like, “No because I was over here OPENING A PRESENT THAT WASN’T MINE!” So then we had to take the tissue out of my garbage can and restuff the toiletry bag that isn’t mine.

  • I accidentally took a puzzle piece to work with me the other day and I thought Chooch was going to jump out a window. There have been no puzzle updates since the last.
  • Today is our dept holiday food party thing apparently. I had fruit and then a piece of some kind of raspberry bread thing and didn’t even go to the other food tables because I know I have some sort of eating disorder where I’m not anorexic or bulimic but the thought of eating food and gaining weight terrifies me. I mean believe me I still eat like a pig, but it’s mostly all homemade Korean food that Henry makes me which is 50% vegetables, 25% gochujang, and 25% kimchi. Add this to my growing list of issues. :/
    • I eventually went back and made a small plate because I felt guilty for not eating.

  • Speaking of Korean food, we’re going to have bottles of BIGBANG tea for all the lucky guests. And then everyone can keep theirs forever as a souvenir and stick flowers in them like I do at work. (OK I only did that once when Henry sent me flowers to embarrass me and also to apologize for exacerbating my bi-polarism.)
  • This is some linguistic nerd stuff but there is this part of Taemin’s Press Your Number that I always thought was “Girl there’s something about your body body body” because it’s not unusual for Kpop to have some English sprinkled in there. But then I happen to glance at the captions during one of his live performances of that song, and I noticed that it wasn’t “body,” but “바래” which means “hope” according to Google translate which I have learned is not always accurate. I was confused because I thought that the ㄹ sound was something more of an r/l so why was this word pronounced in a way that sounded like “body”?! Then I started thinking about Arirang radio, a Korean radio station I listen to, and how that’s also pronounced with a slight “d” sound (“Ari-dong”) so I was FREAKING OUT and UTTERLY CONFUSED. “Maybe I should ask Talk To Me In Korean to explain it,” I said to Henry before I went to bed last night, after trying to explain this to him. I didn’t do that, because you know how shit like that goes — I got distracted by some Soompi alert or something, I’m sure. BUT YOU GUYS. When I woke up this morning, I looked at my phone and saw THIS – HOW DID THEY KNOW!?!?:

  • Anyway, I watched the video and now I’m even more confused because my tongue is incapable of making all of these intricate sounds I AM SUCH A BARBARIC AMERICAN UGHHH.

  • My top two Instagram posts above were actually videos – that G-Dragon one was viewed like 50,000 times. And the other one is Twice at KCON! I love that the two most-viewed/liked things for me in IG were both Kpop-related because that for sure defined my year and when things got rocky elsewhere in life, at least I had that to fall back on like a warm fucking made-in-Korea blanket.
  • Oh wow, how shocking, another day, another comment from Glenn about a Kpop guy being a “pretty little girl.” Such open-mindedness around here!

  • GUYS LOOK WHAT CAME! MY SECRET SANTA PRESENT! I love it. And this is way more my color-scheme than the brown toiletry bag I thought was mine for 5 minutes. “Good, now you’ll stop whining,” Glenn said and I was like, “Yeah but now you guys have to listen to me be excited and thrilled over my adorable beverage vessels.” And also, I wasn’t whining! I even said that worst case scenario, I would probably just have TWO things to unwrap tomorrow, because I am not an ungrateful brat (just to Henry…and Janna too a little).
    • Lauren just came over and said “What cute vessels!” and I had to pull this up and show her that’s exactly what I called them on my blog! What a strange wavelength.
  • Speaking of Janna! She got a new job right next to my building so now we can like go to lunch or yoga (not yoga) together like real working ladies do.

  • Just sitting here at work sick to my stomach thinking about what’s going in these Alabama elections. Fuck Roy Moore forever.
  • Oh shit one night last week someone with a headlamp knocked on our door so I screamed & ran upstairs because I thought it was a coal miner but it ended up just being a Verizon guy and Henry was all “I can’t talk about your great deal right now, but please come back” & HE DID COME BACK after Henry left for the “store” so then he was out there knocking & I wouldn’t answer because I’m not entirely convinced he wasn’t a coal miner.

  • I was craving soondubu jjigae so Henry was all, “ALRIGHT, I HEAR YOU” and took me to Nak Won Garden for lunch on Saturday and I felt whole again. The playlist they had on was amaze, like being at home – Ailee, IU, Sistar, BTS…in fact, a Korean couple came in and sat down at the table next to us, and in Korean, the girl said, “It’s Bangtan Sondonyeon” to the guy and I was like, “YES – I UNDERSTOOD WHAT SHE SAID.” When the owner brought out the banchan (side dishes), I immediately snatched the kimchi and slid it closer to me and Henry was sad. Henry ordered tonkatsu but did not eat it as handsomely as Taemin.
    • But oh lord, that jjigae was exactly what I had been lusting after and it burnt my tongue in ways I would never usually allow.
    • Mamamoo was playing as we left. Great playlist, Nak Won! It put me in such a great mood for the rest day even though part of the day involved shopping which I hate.
  • But speaking of Saturday, that evening, we moved the furniture out of the living room and had FAMILY KPOPX NIGHT which was the second time this has happened and it is so much fun (for me)! I made an hour-long playlist on YouTube of various k-dance workouts and then we dove right in. Except for Henry, who kind of just hung in the back, flopping around. But at least he didn’t stop moving! I’m trying to get them to do this with me at least once a week but there’s been a bit of push-back.
  • The one thing that has stuck, at least, is that Chooch goes on walks with me everyday. I take at least three walks a day because I’m insane and it helps me calm down when I start to feel like I’m losing control. And Chooch tags along because we always have good conversations BUT THINGS WENT AWRY ON OUR SUNDAY NIGHT WALK. I don’t remember how it happened, but it was in front of the teen outreach center thing where Chooch started to get an attitude with me over cheese sandwiches and I was like WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE, I ATE WHAT MY MOM MADE ME FOR LUNCH YOU’RE SUCH AN ENTITLED JERK and he denied that he was that, so I started walking faster than him because that’s how I act when I’m mad – like a scorned teenager! On our way back home, I yelled, “I CAN’T WAIT UNTIL I’M ON MY DEATH BED SO I CAN REMIND YOU OF ALL THE TIMES YOU BROKE MY HEART!” and then he was like, “WHAT IF I DON’T EVEN SHOW UP?!” and then we both started laughing and everything was OK.

  • Drew knocked the candy cane out of Trudy’s hands yesterday morning and she is so lucky she’s Chooch’s cat because her ass would have been out in the street j/k I love cats and can’t stay mad ever.
  • It’s cold out today and snowing so Glenn was barely outside on his break. When I was getting ready to go out for mine (I try to spend my lunch hour walking around town no matter what the weather is like) I asked Glenn how long he was out for. He said about 10 minutes so I was like, “OK, then I’ll try for 12 so I can beat you.” I went outside and called Henry who was like, “Why are you outside, fool?? It’s cold!” and I told him I had to outlast Glenn. He was like, “Wow” and then I talked to him for 25 minutes about everything I hate today before yelling, “OMG I JUST FELL IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET!” and then my phone died because the cold air kills it every time, and I didn’t get a chance to tell Henry that I didn’t actually fall, I just ALMOST fell. Now he’s probably pacing, wondering if I’m dead in the middle of whatever road that is that’s a pretty popular road because it’s downtown but I don’t know road names. Oh well, I guess he’ll find out if he ever reads this blog post. (He won’t.)
  • In case you were wondering if Smokey Robinson is still alive, he is. I know this because Henry and I had a mild argument about it over the weekend and I won.
  • On our walk Friday night, Chooch blurted out, “I’m so glad you’re not a Pinterest Mom.” Same, Chooch. Same. Also, that was a nicer walk than Sunday’s.
  • Oh shit, did I tell you that I finally got half of deep-cleaning done at the dentist last week, and I’m not, in fact, losing my teeth? I know this because I asked the hygienist and she was like, “NO! Why do you keep asking that, calm down.”

  • Oh you guys, my phone just turned back on and look at the texts from Henry, HE ACTUALLY CARES.
  • One day last week, I was in Rock n’ Joe’s for a chai latte. I don’t normally go there because it just doesn’t really do it for me, BUT two of the nearby Crazy Mochas were fucking packed with people like really, at 2:30pm? Come the fuck on! I almost never have to wait in line for coffee/chai. So Rock n’ Joe’s it was. As I was waiting for my chai, “Sex & Candy” came on and I was like, “*BARRAGE OF MARCY MEMORIES*” But then the barista started singing it in front of me and I just lost all control of my filter and blurted out, “MY CAT WAS NAMED AFTER THIS BAND & I’M ABOUT TO CRY” because I’m either cripplingly introverted or flinging out unfiltered facts willy-nilly, no in between “Aw…well, um, that wasn’t our intention,” the barista said, like I was going to sue them or something. As I walking out, I heard one of the other baristas ask her what all that was about and she was like, “CRAZY CAT LADY ALERT” I don’t know, I couldn’t hear. I mean, at least I didn’t show her my tattoo but that’s mostly because I was wearing a coat.
  • I was going to tell another lunch break story but then remembered LUNCH BREAK TALES so maybe I should just wait until I have more tales to tell and then we’ll do that.

OK, I’m over 2,000 words and none of this is great.