Feb 012018
 

Here are some things that I’m currently super into, aside from photobombing 75% of my own pictures with my dumb hand.

  1. Trying to poison my work friends

I bought these “brown sugar flavor” rice crackers at the Asian market last weekend because that box is cute AF. I tried to tempt Lori with one, but she was all, “EW THESE ARE OUT OF DATE!” and I was like, “Oh shit, you’re right” and then I blamed Henry because he’s the one who usually checks for that shit at the store. I was going to throw them away but Glenn was like, “DON’T THROW THEM AWAY. THEY’RE FINE” and Lauren was like, “maybe just put a disclaimer on  them like you did with the [red bean White Rabbits].” I was going to do that but I forgot and then people started taking them on their own and by that point I felt like I was in too deep in my web of lies, so I just LET IT HAPPEN. No one has died yet. I did tell Lloyd that they were out of date and he said, “Well in that case, I’m taking two.” So then it turned into this weird carnival of people who wanted to eat the expired rice crackers, like it was a dare or something. And Glenn even admitted that he liked them. Not that they were “ok” or “not bad,” but that he genuinely liked them! It was still really funny though when Lori pointed out because I got all defensive and yelled, “NOVEMBER WAS NOT THAT LONG AGO!” and “I mean, it’s not like it’s MILK!” Oh, Asian snacks. You make the workplace so much fun!

P.S. Don’t let those bars of chocolate on the box fool you — there is no chocolate in these rice crackers.

2. Etude House Dear Darling Tint

So I kept putting this off and putting this off, but then I got an Amazon gift card from work for Christmas so I decided to finally buy some of this lip gloss I’d been wanting to try for awhile. It came from Korea so of course it took for-fucking-ever and I only just got it yesterday. Worth it. It’s so light and has a subtle grape taste! I love it and am going to buy so many more when I’m there next month. Here I am wearing it. I do not know how to model lipgloss.

3. Sharing old diaries and blog posts with Chooch

I was cleaning out my closet (LOL not really but sort of) and found my very first DIARY, which I have probably already shared on here before but it fucking cracks me up every time I read it (there are only three pages so it’s not like I have to carve out much time for that) because I am still basically eight years old. I let Chooch read it and he was obsessed and then was like, “THAT’S IT!? WHY DIDN’T YOU WRITE MORE?!” Now that he’s older, I’m having fun showing him some of my blog posts about him too, like this one I stumbled upon the other day from when he was sick in 2011. And then he’s all, “OMG was I really like that?” and then we get to have a real bonding moment all because I plastered his entire childhood all over the Internet.

4. Turning Henry into a fan boy

For Christmas, Henry got me a gift certificate for Choice Music (it’s all kpop). In a highly unusual and selfless move, I bought him something as well — the above standing Jimin doll so that we can be matching because I have the G-Dragon set. Jimin if you remember is the BTS bias I chose for Henry and he gets really flustered about it probably because it’s true. I couldn’t wait to show him this little gift, but when I gave it to him, he was like, “Are you fucking serious” and I was like, “You have to take it to work and keep Jimin on your desk!” but he said, “NO.” Ugh! Of course Chooch was like, “i’ll have it” though. Also, I should note that I only bought this because I was almost to my gift certificate limit and was trying to find something cheap.

I’ll tell you what though, Henry is totally a K-Drama whore though. I think Park Bo Young is his drama bias. I can’t start anything new without him appearing out of nowhere and asking, “WHICH ONE ARE YOU WATCHING NOW.” Sigh.

Just kidding it’s awesome and I love it.

5. Slangin’ my greeting cards!

You guys this has been the Valentine season we’ve ever had, to the point where we almost can’t keep up with sales. We keep our inventory low because it’s time-consuming to print and assemble the cards only to have them sit on a shelf for a year because no one buys it – even when we’ve analyzed our sales and determined what are heavy-hitters are, printing those in advance is a sure-fire to jinx sales. What this means is that most of our cards are made to order — it’s just more price-efficient for us that way. But those little sets that I made this year have been a hot commodity! So I think that once V-Day is over, we will try to slowly build up some inventory for those at least. I have been loving this though – these cards are my babies, and it just makes me so happy that there are people out there who like them, and a lot of them are repeat customers too!

This has also been keeping me busy and distracted so that I’m not flipping out or succumbing to depression or having a fit about the wind blowing the wrong way — you just don’t know with me. I’ve been pretty difficult to be around lately. Anyway, what this means is that my brain has just wanted to create create create so I’m also working on a Golden Girls line of Valentines! I’ll do a full post on those this weekend, but I’m pretty excited about them.

6. My K-Kountdown Kalendar!

After some of my coworkers found out about my upcoming trip, they started to question if there was going to be a countdown calendar like the one Lori made me for the G-Dragon concert. When my SHINee Season’s Greeting set came a few weeks ago, I realized that the poster-sized monthly calendars could be perfect for this cause. February 1st seemed like a good time to start, so I brought in the February (Onew!) and March (Jonghyun, RIP) posters, taped them up  to the side of my cubical wall thing, and then made an airplane.

Chris is really blessed that his office door is right in front of this so he gets to see these beautiful faces every time he emerges.

LOL my dumb face. Amber was like, “Aren’t you going to put Henry and Chooch on it too” and I was like THIS IS NOT ABOUT THEM THIS IS ABOUT ME, a la 1988 Diary-Writing Erin.

The only downside to this is that there are some people here who didn’t previously know about this so the calendar unlocked Pandora’s Box and people had questions. Which is great but I have been trying to not be super-annoying about this for the sake of those who sit near me, but it’s hard for me to not be like, “OMG OMG OMG” especially when people are asking me about it! I had hoped to get through the whole day without hearing this, but eventually there was that one HILARIOUS “hopefully it’s still by then” comment. It’s whatever though. Traveling anywhere is a risk. Walking out the front door is a risk.

7. Poet/Artist

My Jonghyun preorder arrived today. I am obsessed with this album, especially the song “Take the Dive.” It’s so bittersweet that he didn’t stay with us long enough to enjoy the success of this release because it really feels like a masterpiece. :(

OK well, I had leftover kimchi bokkeumbap for dinner and now I need to put my head down or go for a walk, I haven’t decided which.

Jan 262018
 

  • I’m working my late shift from home today, which means that I had all morning to do “errand”-y things but mostly I just exercised and watched Heirs. I did, however, have to walk to the post office because we had a bunch of cards that needed scanned in. Even though we print the shipping labels straight from Etsy, Henry and I try to physically take them to the post office to have someone scan them in because sometimes this doesn’t happen and then wow, what a waste of a tracking number, when it never updates from “label printed.” Anyway, fucking Maureen was working today and she is goddamn miserable. I have dealt with her hundreds of times, and even talked to her at length once about the terrible experience she had as an Etsy user (“I bought a picture and the seller’s measurements were off by a half-inch!!!!!”), but today suddenly she decided that she could not scan these in for me because they didn’t meet the proper criteria for First Class shipping and I was like, “Are you kidding, because I have been doing this for 8 years and literally no postal clerk has ever said anything…” and she countered with, “Some clerks just don’t know the regulations but I have been here for 30 years…” and she was so mean to me about it, which was ridiculous because the post office had literally just opened so her day should not have been that shitty yet for her to treat customers so poorly (she straight up yelled at the old lady in front of me who was buying $40 worth of stamps “just to have, just in case.”). Fuck you, Maureen. Maybe it’s time to HANG IT UP. So then I walked to the other post office in Dormont where Jan happily scanned in my envelopes for me THANK YOU JAN. And again, FUCK YOU, MAUREEN
    • Then I walked to Muddy Cup where the psychic hand-toucher under-charged me for a Bleeding Heart iced latte and we bonded over The Verve’s Bittersweet Symphony. I told her that it always reminds me of the day I went to get the key to my first apartment in 1997. It was raining hard that day in December, and I stopped at Music Oasis in South Park afterward to buy The Verve’s CD. THERE, NOW YOU AND THE COFFEE GIRL KNOW THE SAME FUN FACT ABOUT ME.
  • Henry said he couldn’t find Chooch the other day when I was still at work, and then found him sitting in a chair in the corner of his dark room (you can’t see back there unless you walk all the way into his room because it’s a little nook), with his eyes closed and Nirvana playing on his Alexa. He told Henry he was “just relaxing.” Why does that weirdo crack me up so easily!? Side bar: they’re learning about Nirvana in his music class at school which I think is just fucking wonderful, and also funny because when I was his age, Nirvana was definitely one of those bands that teachers “didn’t understand” and parents didn’t want their kids to listen to. That scary fucking Seattle grunge, and all.

  • My SHINee Season’s Greetings finally arrived the other day! Most of the kpop groups offer these really awesome calendar/planner sets each year. BIG BANG didn’t do one, but when I saw that SHINee had one, I knew I had to have it because Taemin is everything. And then the passing of Jonghyun happened, so this is even more special now, and also excruciating to see all of these beautiful pictures of his friendly face. Is it weird to still feel such a mourning sensation in my heart and gut? Because I do, and it’s there, and I’m not sure when it will be leaving, especially since his last album was just released posthumously this week and it’s stunning. A true work of art. He did so well, and now I’m choking on my stupid tears all  over again.
    • The song “Take the Dive” especially gets me so upset but it’s so good that I have been listening it to so much all week  because: torture.
    • Anyway, each month has its own book/planner thingie and I already started using mine as a mini-diary. Yesterday’s entry said,
      TODAY IS DUMB AND MY HAIR IS DUMB TOO. Is it still a diary if I just told you?

  • Some of you OHE readers have been around long enough to know that I used to have a pen pal on deathrow. His name is Greg and I started writing to him in 2002 or 2003. Anyway, somewhere around the time I started working at the law firm, I got lazy/busy/sidetracked and even though he was still sending me thoughtful birthday and Christmas cards, I was a terrible pen pal and never responded. Eventually, Greg stopped sending me letters and I would occasionally think about sending him a card or something but then I would get distracted and it would go back on one of 87 backburners. Ugh, I need to be more organized. Anyway, a few weeks ago, I received an email out of the blue from the woman he is now engaged to! She found my contact info online and it was so nice to receive a friendly email with updates from my old penpal. I asked her to remind me of Greg’s address, and this time I actually did send a card. I got a return letter from him this week and I was so happy! NOW CHOOCH ISN’T THE ONLY ONE WITH A PENPAL.
  • My current weight loss motivation is to be able to shop at the “one-size” clothing stores when I’m in Seoul and newsflash to me, this probably AIN’T HAPPENIN’ in under two months. I’m currently a size 6 in most brands and a size 8 in others, which is considered PLUS-SIZED in South Korea so congrats to me for being the future fatty American tourist. Maybe if I just stick with tops?! UGH.

  • I never see any of these people in Dormont?
  • Chooch just took a “where in the world should you live” BuzzFeed quiz and his result was Italy but the photo they used was THE SAME PICTURE USED FOR THE PUZZLE WE WERE DOING RECENTLY! YOU KNOW, THE DREADED PUZZLE THAT WOULD NOT LEAVE OUR DINING ROOM TABLE EXCEPT FOR THE 283704 TIMES A DAY THE CATS KNOCKED PARTS OF IT OFF!??!

Well guys, I’m off. Hope everyone has a splendid weekend!

Jan 212018
 

Dear friends, it is a Sunday and I am in the mood to hear the keys on my laptop tap (I pretend that it’s morse code) so you know what that means: a worthless bulletpoint post!

  • There has been speculation over the last few years that Pittsburgh might have a serial killer. I am definitely on the believing side of this and I’m PRETTY SURE I saw him during my lunch break walk the other day. He was standing on a corner, waiting to cross the street, this tall yet crooked older man, in his fifties with greasy black hair and a bald spot, wearing dirty black coveralls. HIS FACE WAS SO STRANGE I KNOW IT WAS HIM. I was on the phone with Henry and immediately described him. “Wow,” Henry said. “I’m so excited to be dating a CIA profiler.” Then I told Lori at work and she was definitely not convinced. “Aren’t serial killers supposed to just look like regular people though?” she countered and I was like SHUT UP LORI IT WAS DEFINITELY HIM UGH.
  • The coffee shop in Brookline has changed owners AGAIN. Now it’s called 802 Bean or something dumb (it’s just the address of Brookline Blvd, I hate when restaurants and cafes do that, like how generic and uninspired. Name it after your fucking grandma or something at least). Anyway, Chooch and I walked there on our day off last Monday and the broad running the place was nice enough but we miss the Lebanese man and his dog Max, and also the college girl who sometimes worked there and always asked me how Chooch was doing if I ever wandered in without him because all anyone in this damn town cares about is HOW CHOOCH IS DOING because he’s so fucking famous ugh. Anyway, Chooch said his hot chocolate was just OK and my chai latte was weak as fuck so as much as I love supporting our local businesses, I think I’ll just be patronizing Muddy Cup in Dormont from now on.
    • On our walk home, we were talking about why the other guy gave up Cafe Noir when we walked past his house (he lives right up the road from us) and Chooch pointed out in distress that the PLAYHOUSE THEY HAD IN THEIR YARD IS GONE OMG THEY MOVED NOOOOOOO. Chooch started crying because he loved their dog, Max. We told Henry and he was just like, “Oh.”
  • Henry generally picks me up from work (it’s the least he can do since he forces me to take the damn trolley every day!!!) and I allow him to park several blocks away from my building because it’s more convenient for him and also because I like to walk. In order to get to the car, I have to walk through Market Square. On Friday, some younger guy came out of Winghart’s (some fancy burger place that I don’t care about) right as I was about to walk past, so I ended up behind him. In front of Primanti’s, he slowed his pace and asked what appeared to be no one in particular, “Aren’t there any bars around here?” I looked around and I was the only one close enough that he could have been talking to, so I shrugged and went with it. I told him that there were, but that most of them were bar/restaurants and not just like, you know, dive bars. He asked me if I worked down there and there I was, naively answering his questions because I had an OK day at work and was not in my typical foul evening mood. He had fallen into place with me by this point and now we were walking together, which wasn’t uncomfortable at all (IT WAS), and he just kept asking me more and more questions and I was dumbly answering them because I either am super stand-offish or a goddamn motor mouth, you never know what you’re going to get with me. By this point, I could see our car and Henry was watching this whole thing play out from the driver’s side window. And then, as expected, the guy asked me if I wanted to get a drink with him and I was like, “NOPE THAT’S MY RIDE RIGHT THERE BYE NOW” and literally ran like Phoebe to the car. Henry loved every second that he witnessed. I was just happy that this guy was young, at least 10 years younger than me, and not the usual vagabond I attract while carousing around the streets of Pittsburgh. I mean, this guy at least looked like he had a job, but I’m not sure I believed him when he told me he was an “investor.” I haven’t been asked out since that one time two years ago when I was waiting to cross the street and some bum asked me for fifty cents and then wanted to know if I was single.
  • I have been listening to so much Taemin lately that it’s amazing I haven’t spontaneously conceived.
  • I grew tired of not being able to watch my Korean shows without Henry and Chooch, so I started some new ones without them and now Henry is all OOOH WHAT ARE THESE SHOWS WHO IS THAT WHAT ARE THEY TALKING ABOUT WHO IS THAT PERSON NOW and I’m just like WHYYYYYYY.
  • Chooch and my friend Lizz’s daughter have become pen pals and it’s the cutest thing! They both like Got7 so they write to each other about that. Chooch got his first letter from her the other day and was like, “Yeah it’s really cool and she sent me stickers, but she hardly wrote anything.” He showed me the letter, which had like three lines and then her signature. I flipped it over and said, “Um, did you even read the front?” Because THERE WAS AN ENTIRE FRONT TO THE LETTER but my genius kid started reading from the wrong side and then never considered turning the page over. #booksmart
  • I had to go to the post office yesterday morning to mail some cards (ETSY SHOP PLUG) and I realized pretty quickly that I didn’t have my wallet which is less of a wallet and more of a Pusheen ID holder that I shove all of my stuff into. I started to panic because I didn’t want to wait until Monday to see if I left it at work and I didn’t want to go through the hassle of canceling all of my cards, and then I started to have flashbacks of that guy who was walking with me after work on Friday and began to wonder if him feigning interest was all just a ruse to PICKPOCKET ME OMG I AM SO DUMBZ0RZ. But then Henry drove me down to work (I couldn’t take the T because my stupid ConnectCard is also in my wallet and I didn’t want to drive down myself because of parking and and and AISHHHHH what to do!!!) Henry dropped me off at my building and I expected to walk in and talk to the weekend  security guard immediately except that two guys from a vending company got there before me and were trying to make a delivery, but the frazzled security guy, who was also in the middle of a phone call, couldn’t find them on the schedule and was trying desperately to get them to go away but they were like, “That’s because we were supposed to be yesterday but couldn’t make it so please just let us in to make this delivery” and the whole thing screamed SCOOBY DOO EPISODE to me, like they were smuggling in haunted mummy parts in those supposed potato chip boxes, but the security guard was all, “No can do” so the leader of the fake vending delivery guys declared that he would make a phone call and be back, so those two stepped off to the side and the security guard started to go back to his phone call, but then saw me standing there, and I quickly cried about needing to find my wallet and could someone escort me to the 10th floor since I didn’t have my badge, so he held up a finger and into a walkie-talkie he calmly said, “Tyrone, please come down to the security desk” and I was like OMG WHAT IS TYRONE GOING TO DO TO ME” and then the security guy went back to his phone call, which evidently was with the police and he was giving some kind of report of an altercation he had broken up. After a minute or so, he thanked whoever was on the other end for their time, just as Tyrone had arrived. The guard called me back over to the desk to have me sign in while he was flipping through a binder of After Hour Procedures for my company. “What did you say your name was again?” he asked, and I noticed that he was looking for me in the employee listing. Things were starting to get tense as he couldn’t find my name and he tried to make me feel better by saying that maybe the list just hadn’t been updated.  I said, “Well, I’ve been working here for 8 years, so….” when I realized that he was looking in the E’s. “Um, maybe could you try looking in the K’s for Kelly?” I gently suggested, at which point he found my name and then it slowly occurred to him what he was doing wrong and he slapped himself on the forehead. Dude was having a bad Saturday morning at the law firm security desk, for sure. So then Tyrone escorted me to the 10th floor and made it very clear that he was in no mood for cordial small talk. He buzzed me in and asked if I needed anything else. “Do you need to stay and wait for me?” I asked, assuming that he did since I AM A SUSPICIOUS COULD-BE CRIMINAL. “I mean, no, because you work here, unless you need me to get you into any other areas?” he asked. I said I didn’t so he was all PEACE and left me alone to raid all the candy bowls. J/K, I just ran over to my desk, thankfully found my Pusheen wallet, and left. It took literally 10 seconds. When I got back down to the lobby to sign out, I cheerfully waved my wallet at Tyrone and the main guard, who were both just like, “Yay.” And that’s my lost wallet story.
  • Chooch is watching some dumb Disney show that he likes and I hate having English shit on in the background, what has happened to me.
  • This morning as we were waking up, Henry said, “Oh! I remember why I wanted to go to Pat Catan’s yesterday. I wanted to enter the $1000 sewing giveaway they’re having!” That’s my little Henry Homemaker. It’s now hours later and Henry went to Pat Catan’s like he had planned. I asked him if he entered the giveaway and he said, “Oh shit, I forgot.” Oh for God’s sake.
  • Chooch was sequestered in his room for a while yesterday and when he came out, he had all of these origami weapons, including paper Freddy Kreuger claws for every finger. Later on, he drew his paper gun at me and I actually flinched. He also made a paper knife with a red cardstock hilt and Henry was like, “DO NOT TAKE THIS TO SCHOOL I SWEAR TO GOD IF I CALL THAT YOU GOT DETENTION…” and that just made Chooch’s ego swell because clearly that means Henry thinks his dumb paper arsenal looks “real” enough to get him in trouble at school.
  • We had another Family Kpop Dance Workout Night last night! I think we’ve managed to make it an entire 4 weeks in a row without Henry making up some lame excuse, which leads me to believe that he must really like this. I like to put on the routines that are extra-specially stripper-y because watching him try to do bodyrolls with his trucker physique is amazing.
  • I made my first sale the other day in my new Kpop card shop and I was so excited about it at work and everyone just gave me patronizing smiles. Whatever.
  • Chooch has been writing disparaging things about Penelope on his whiteboard and I’m getting so mad! The other day he wrote “Penelope (dumb fuck). Drew (lawyer)” ugh. Penelope is not a dumb fuck!! She just…can’t jump very well.
  • Hey speaking of Chooch getting a penpal, I was contacted a few weeks ago by the fiancee of my old death row penpal that I lost touch with (totally my fault!). It was really cool to hear from her and she gave me Greg’s address so I could reconnect with him. I sent him a congratulations card last week and apologized for being a shitty penpal. We had been corresponding since like 2003 or so! So maybe now Chooch and I will both have penpals!
  • Ugh Chooch is driving me crazy with his weird paper weapons!! Every time I turn around, he is all up in my face with some dumb paper pistol and I just threatened to start a fire in a garbage can and throw his weaponry in it.
  • TWO MONTHS AND ONE DAY UNTIL SOUTH KOREA!!

Well, I need to go annoy my family with my high-maintenance demands. Hope everyone is having a fantastic weekend!

Jan 082018
 

Here’s a quickie.

  • Chooch the Entrepreneur has been theatrically shoveling sidewalks in order to lure the residents out with cash in their hands. Hot Naybor Chris gave him tips on how to really get down to the sidewalk and the Italian guy a few houses down GAVE HIM $20. TWENTY FUCKING BUCKS to shovel a sidewalk that’s only like 20 feet. A DOLLAR A FOOT?! Jesus Christ this kid is a swindler. He was out there again tonight and made another $8. He doesn’t even ask for it. They just come out of their houses with it. Ugh. I want to make money too!! I’m going to buy a snowblower.

  • I finally finished the Goblin series (it’s a Korean drama from 2016-2017) and I am emotionally desiccated. I purposely dragged it out because I didn’t want it to end / dreaded how much I was going to cry when it did end. I tried to tell Henry how it ended but I got too choked up. To sum it up real quick without spoilers: there’s a Goblin, a reaper (he’s my favorite), a girl who can see ghosts, a chicken shop owner who is IMO the prettiest girl in South Korea, and the soundtrack is SO BEAUTIFUL. I will never be able to listen to any of these songs without sobbing uncontrollably though.

  • hey speaking of “finally doing something,” we finally put our Halloween cornstalks out with the trash tonight. Yeah they’ve been tied to the pillars of our front porch since late September, WHAT OF IT??!! #thathouse
  • I really want to start roller skating regularly again but there’s only one local rink left and I dislike the people who run it. WHAT TO DO. And then I had a flash-forward to me rollerskating, falling, breaking my leg, and not being able to KpopX for MONTHS.
  • For the first time in 9 years, Henry mixed up a card order. I found out today when someone contacted me on Etsy to say that they ordered a BTS birthday card for their daughter but received one that said “I don’t know if I want to date you or put your head on a stick.” YEP Henry sent a fucking serial killer card to a lady who ordered an innocent KPOP card. Awesome. I refunded her money but wanted to just give her ALL MY MONEY IM SO SORRY LADY. :(
    • I made a separate shop for my KPOP cards (Hello Hanguk!) but I haven’t had a chance to sit down and make a banner and all that jazzy stuff just yet so they have to rub elbows with the serial killers over at noncompos for just a bit longer. Sigh.

  • Drew’s new thing is jumping and perching on Chooch. They have a strange relationship.
  • I didn’t watch the Golden Globes.
  • I bought this chrysanthemum tea stuff at the Asian market even though Henry barked, “YOURE NOT GOING TO LIKE THAT!” and then when he saw the price, it was all, “YOU BETTER DRINK EVERY LAST PACKET!!!” (It was only $8 but he has a blue collar wallet). Anyway, it wasn’t tea per se, but “honey-coated chrysanthemum crystals” — literally packets full of small gold balls that dissolve in water and is already WAY SWEETENED. So yeah, it was great! Granted, I didn’t mix it well enough so by the time I got to the end of it, it tasted like I was drinking out of a flower pot. I made Glenn try one and he monotoned, “It’s not bad. All I taste is the honey. Would be good iced, too, maybe.” WHAT A GREAT REVIEW! He should do this professionally on YouTube. I gave one to Lauren too. She didn’t try it yet but said she’ll be sure to have her epi pen ready.
  • Hey speaking of work, our little group used to pass out this giant thumb award to the person who did something good that week, but now that Amber’s our supervisor, she decided that the thumb is ready to be retired and replaced it with A BOB ROSS CHIA PET! I was privy to this ahead of time because I’m awesome and people come to me for team-builiding advice (LOL) but I liked Amber’s chia pet suggestion so much that I didn’t even bother contributing my own ideas. CHIA PET. Anyway, she debuted it in today’s meeting and I quickly said, “Well, I think I should get it first because, um, I talked about this stuff or whatever” and half-heartedly pointed at the email I talked about for like 3 minutes while roughly snatching the chia pet from the middle of the table. FIRST!
  • I have to go back to the dentist tomorrow for round 2 of my deep cleaning, god help me. (Actually, it’s totally worth it because I am fucking obsessed with my gums and thought that I had gum disease and was going to lose all of my teeth. The hygienist assured me that my gums will be fine after a deep cleaning and my teeth aren’t falling out.)
  • The other night, I was angry so I rage-cut my hair. My hair was getting pretty long so you can’t really tell, but I just grabbed chunks of it and started cutting. The sound of scissor blades crunching on dry hair is sooooo pleasing to me. I might need to start cutting other people’s hair though because at the rate my temper has been flaring lately, I might be looking like GI Jane. I have issues, but at least I’m upfront about them…?!!?

That’s all I got for now. I was originally going to have a non compos cards Valentine commercial but Henry’s card blunder RUINED THAT for now and I can’t look at my cards so maybe tomorrow we’ll see.

Dec 282017
 

Here are some things I don’t want to forget in the midst of holiday madness.

  • There was a stand-off several houses up from ours a few weeks ago. I thought it was just some lame excuse that Henry made up so that he wouldn’t have to pick me up from work, saying that our car was blocked by several police cars and that the road was closed. “There are police walking around on our street with guns drawn,” he texted and I was like, “How many?” “A lot,” followed by pictures of the SWAT team suiting up in the parking lot across from our house so I was a believer at that point. Eventually, Henry said they were putting some old, frail man in handcuffs into the back of a police car, while a lady and kid were talking to other officers in the parking lot. When Henry described which house it was, I realized that it was the same one that just a week before had a bunch of fire trucks and ambulances in front of it when Chooch and I went on our nightly walk. On the way back, we saw the ambulance leaving with someone in the back. I wonder if this was related!? Henry said he heard the cops say “negotiate” into the bullhorn. At first my mind immediately went to “domestic issue” but now I’m wondering if it was a suicide attempt?! Of course it wasn’t on the news so it probably didn’t involve drugs, I guess.
    • My gut-reaction was to rant about how we have to move ASAP, but then it made me think about how it doesn’t matter how nice or how shitty your neighborhood is, this stuff happens everywhere. There was just a really bad stand-off a few years ago a street away from where Janna lives, in the same SUPER NICE, WHITE PICKET FENCE area I grew up in as well, plus we went to high school with way too many people who have since OD’d or been straight-up murdered over drugs.
  • The other day when I was at work, Chooch started rapid-fire messaging me about Got7, because he apparently imprinted on them somehow even after seeing their videos/hearing their songs a millions times from me — I guess this was something that just needed to happen on his own terms, organically, but he is suddenly shook by Got7 and I’m ok with this because we need other fandoms in this house. (I’m a VIP and Henry is totally a Blackjack.)

  • On one of our walks the other day, Chooch said “sick” for the fortieth time and I snapped out and yelled, “Ugh stop saying that it’s so annoying!” I don’t know why it was bothering me, I guess I’m just getting old? Anyway, it reminded me of a time from when I was friends with Christina (RIP best friendship of my whole life that was also the biggest disaster, aren’t they all) and she would say “my bad” constantly (probably because she was always fucking up around me!!). I just lost it this one time and yelled, “I HATE WHEN YOU SAY THAT! IT’S SO DUMB!” when it never bothered me anytime someone would say it. I made her start saying “personal error” instead and then eventually let her shorten it to “per err.” I guess Chooch was actually paying attention when I told him this story on our walk (usually he just kicks rocks and waits impatiently for me to wrap it up so he can start talking about math equations or corgis) because now he says “personal error” hahaha.
  • There is a stink bug flying around my house as I type this and I’m the only person in the world who is not bothered by these creatures. In fact, I try to save them.
  • Now I’m at work.
  • My friend Courtney  made me these cutie Golden Girl magnets! One can never have enough Golden Girls memorabilia around the house, I always say.
  • Chooch and I started watching “I’m Not a Robot” to combat our sadness. It’s a good show but I’m mostly excited that it was Chooch’s idea to start watching a new Korean drama, when he has, up until now, been pretty uninterested in that part of the whole Hallyu wave. (Trying to get that kid to watch Running Man with us is like trying to get him to take medicine.)

  • Speaking of “me n’ Chooch,” here we are unintentionally matching a few weeks ago. This picture sucks because Henry took it.
    • Also, shout out to the random wig on the floor underneath the stool.
  • Me: “I should wish my Mexican taco cart boyfriend a….merry Mexican Christmas” Henry: “Feliz Navidad.” Me: “That’s what I said.” (Honestly though, things are really heating up with my Mexican taco cart boyfriend. I tried to wave to him the one night we were walking past but  my hand got stuck in my coat pocket and I tugged it out with so much force that I almost punched myself in the face. I WONDER IF HE WOULD HAVE CONSOLED ME IF THAT HAPPENED?)
  • I was at the post office in the next town over last week, which is my favorite post office because it has that old small-town charm about it and everyone knows the sleepy postal workers. On this particular day, the older man in front of me got a phone call and his fucking ringtone was HELLO MOTO. Holy shit did that take me back. I mean, not all the way to back to Mayberry times, but definitely to the early 00s which seem like another lifetime ago. Then I started thinking about how I avoided getting a cell phone until the winter of 2006 because I hated the idea of people being able to reach me anywhere, but then I was about to have a baby and decided that maybe it would be nice to have a cell phone in case I went into labor in the bathroom of the Cathedral of Learning or whatever. #PregnantInCollege
  • I was about to write some things about the Jonghyun aqua moon phenomenon but when I went to get the link, I re-read the thing and then started to cry at my desk, so you can just read the thing for yourself I guess. I’m having a hard time with this one.
  • When he doesn’t even trust you to microwave noodles:

  • I took a half day yesterday and was really looking forward to that all morning, almost like it was an early dismissal from school. I don’t know why I was so excited, because it’s not like I had anything planned. HOWEVER, I had to take the T home and for some reason, it took over 30 minutes for the one I needed to come and I thought maybe I was just overreacting in my mind, but the lady next to me was like, “WTF WHERE ARE ALL OF THE RED LINES THREE OF THEM SHOULD HAVE COME AND GONE BY NOW WHAT IS HAPPENING TO THEM WHEN THEY GET TO THE NORTH SHORE?!” and I was like, “Wow, my level of anger is finally appropriate for the situation!” so then I raged along with the lady and then we had a cathartic chuckle when a red line trolley finally rolled up, only for there to be some kind of “situation” on the track later on, which caused us to have to sit in a stationary trolley for 40 MINUTES IT TOOK ME SO LONG TO GET HOME WHEN IT SHOULD HAVE ONLY TAKEN A HALF HOUR TOPS I WAS SO MAD AND I TOOK IT OUT ON HENRY WHEN HE CAME HOME LATER UGH.
  • When we took Chooch to apply for his passport, he was fixated on the fact that they “only come in blue” and that he couldn’t choose a different color. So I got him this corgi passport cover for Christmas, which is also Union Jack themed – he’s a total anglophile and if he had his way, his first stamp would be from England. TOO BAD SONNY BOY, IT’S GONNA BE FROM S. KOREA, DEAL WITH IT.
  • For our Korean dinner party on Saturday, Henry and I have been making kpop teacups and banchan bowls out of glassware we bought at Goodwill. It’s been a lot of fun (except for when Henry fucks one up and I’m forced to whip him) and I’m pretty obsessed with it now, especially after the BIGBANG dessert tray we made today came out looking like a fucking heirloom. I’ll post all the pictures once we have them all done!
  • I had a flashback on Christmas to this time when I was in second grade and my aunt Sharon took me to the computer store in Pleasant Hills because she said her goddaughter Nicky, this ginger girl who was the same age as me and I lowkey hated her because I thought Sharon liked her more than me (I know, that doesn’t sound like me at all!), was getting a computer for Christmas and Sharon wanted me to pick out some games for her. Since I didn’t like Nicky, I went straight for MATHBLASTERS because I personally thought it sounded like a terrible game because I hated math. Well guys guess what? Turns out I was the one getting a computer (an Apple II GS!) and Sharon was using the Nicky slant as a guise to help her gauge which games she should get me. UGH, FOILED. I hated that ficking game so much. I was awful at it! But I loved that computer, though. And the printer that came with the green and white lined paper that had to be perfectly lined up with the holes in the printer or else it wouldn’t feed through properly and the whole thing would just shit the bed.
    • I still hate printers so fucking much.
    • And math.

Um, I think that’s all I have to say for now.

Dec 122017
 

Bulletpoints for any chingu of mine who’s into that shit. (That originally said “whose” because I AM SO SMRTZ.)

  • Secret Santa started today! I’m not really into Christmas this year but I did sign up for Secret Santa because it’s good old-fashioned office fun and we could definitely used that shit up in here always. I already mentioned that I’m happy with who I got and I put a lot of thought in my choices. So today, I got in and there was nothing on my desk. That’s OK! Some people work different shifts so this happens. I got up, made some coffee, talked to Carrie for a bit, and came back to my desk. “Aw, there’s still nothing here!” I cried to Glenn like a baby, but then I noticed a red gift bag on the floor next to my desk! I was so excited! I started tearing out tufts of tissue paper and unearthed a Kenneth Cole toiletry bag. I thought it was weird that it was a standard camel-colored leather and not like, flamingo pink or gold glittered, which is my style, but I loved it nevertheless! I opened it and tore out the compacted wads of stuffing while regaling Glenn with a tale from my golden youth. Here I’ll tell you:
    • My grandma had this friend, JEAN ARSONEUX, who once gave me a white purse when I was around 5 years old, and when I opened it, it was chockablock of small toys and things like Bonne Bell lipgloss and what was that kids’ nail polish called that peeled off? That stuff, too. So then I just assumed that all purses came stuffed with things but SADLY this has not happened to me again. The end.
  • Back to Secret Santa. I was showing Glenn my new bag and said, “YOU KNOW WHAT I’M GOING TO DO WITH THIS? TAKE IT TO KOREA WITH ME AND FILL IT WITH KOREAN BEAUTY PRODUCTS!” and then Glenn said something about hoping I get stopped by TSA and that reminded me of ANOTHER story from when I was 11….
    • ….and got food poisoning in Rome, Italy and my aunt Sharon went down to the hotel restaurant to get me rolls and other starchy things for breakfast so I wouldn’t puke. I mean, this was the last day of vacation but it still went down in history as the Time Erin Ruined Vacation which would make family members ask, “Wait, but which time though?” Anyway, we left Italy the next day to go home and Sharon got whisked off into some holding cell/interrogation room because SHE FORGOT TO TAKE THE BUTTER KNIFE OUT OF HER PURSE from the hotel and it turned into a whole terrorist thing and my pappap was so pissed and Sharon was crying and I was cracking up and frantically scribbling all of this down in my travel journal and my grandma was all, “OH HONESTLY SHARON AND ERIN!!!” Spoiler: Sharon got to come home with us.
  • Seriously, back to Secret Santa for real this time. A few minutes later, [REDACTED UNTIL SECRET SANTA IS OVER] came over and was all, “Can you put that bag on [REDACTED UNTIL SECRET SANTA IS OVER]’s desk for me?” And I was like, “So this isn’t mine?” And [REDACTED] was all, “No, sorry, I thought you were in the kitchen and went in there to tell you, but you weren’t there” and I was like, “No because I was over here OPENING A PRESENT THAT WASN’T MINE!” So then we had to take the tissue out of my garbage can and restuff the toiletry bag that isn’t mine.

  • I accidentally took a puzzle piece to work with me the other day and I thought Chooch was going to jump out a window. There have been no puzzle updates since the last.
  • Today is our dept holiday food party thing apparently. I had fruit and then a piece of some kind of raspberry bread thing and didn’t even go to the other food tables because I know I have some sort of eating disorder where I’m not anorexic or bulimic but the thought of eating food and gaining weight terrifies me. I mean believe me I still eat like a pig, but it’s mostly all homemade Korean food that Henry makes me which is 50% vegetables, 25% gochujang, and 25% kimchi. Add this to my growing list of issues. :/
    • I eventually went back and made a small plate because I felt guilty for not eating.

  • Speaking of Korean food, we’re going to have bottles of BIGBANG tea for all the lucky guests. And then everyone can keep theirs forever as a souvenir and stick flowers in them like I do at work. (OK I only did that once when Henry sent me flowers to embarrass me and also to apologize for exacerbating my bi-polarism.)
  • This is some linguistic nerd stuff but there is this part of Taemin’s Press Your Number that I always thought was “Girl there’s something about your body body body” because it’s not unusual for Kpop to have some English sprinkled in there. But then I happen to glance at the captions during one of his live performances of that song, and I noticed that it wasn’t “body,” but “바래” which means “hope” according to Google translate which I have learned is not always accurate. I was confused because I thought that the ㄹ sound was something more of an r/l so why was this word pronounced in a way that sounded like “body”?! Then I started thinking about Arirang radio, a Korean radio station I listen to, and how that’s also pronounced with a slight “d” sound (“Ari-dong”) so I was FREAKING OUT and UTTERLY CONFUSED. “Maybe I should ask Talk To Me In Korean to explain it,” I said to Henry before I went to bed last night, after trying to explain this to him. I didn’t do that, because you know how shit like that goes — I got distracted by some Soompi alert or something, I’m sure. BUT YOU GUYS. When I woke up this morning, I looked at my phone and saw THIS – HOW DID THEY KNOW!?!?:

  • Anyway, I watched the video and now I’m even more confused because my tongue is incapable of making all of these intricate sounds I AM SUCH A BARBARIC AMERICAN UGHHH.

  • My top two Instagram posts above were actually videos – that G-Dragon one was viewed like 50,000 times. And the other one is Twice at KCON! I love that the two most-viewed/liked things for me in IG were both Kpop-related because that for sure defined my year and when things got rocky elsewhere in life, at least I had that to fall back on like a warm fucking made-in-Korea blanket.
  • Oh wow, how shocking, another day, another comment from Glenn about a Kpop guy being a “pretty little girl.” Such open-mindedness around here!

  • GUYS LOOK WHAT CAME! MY SECRET SANTA PRESENT! I love it. And this is way more my color-scheme than the brown toiletry bag I thought was mine for 5 minutes. “Good, now you’ll stop whining,” Glenn said and I was like, “Yeah but now you guys have to listen to me be excited and thrilled over my adorable beverage vessels.” And also, I wasn’t whining! I even said that worst case scenario, I would probably just have TWO things to unwrap tomorrow, because I am not an ungrateful brat (just to Henry…and Janna too a little).
    • Lauren just came over and said “What cute vessels!” and I had to pull this up and show her that’s exactly what I called them on my blog! What a strange wavelength.
  • Speaking of Janna! She got a new job right next to my building so now we can like go to lunch or yoga (not yoga) together like real working ladies do.

  • Just sitting here at work sick to my stomach thinking about what’s going in these Alabama elections. Fuck Roy Moore forever.
  • Oh shit one night last week someone with a headlamp knocked on our door so I screamed & ran upstairs because I thought it was a coal miner but it ended up just being a Verizon guy and Henry was all “I can’t talk about your great deal right now, but please come back” & HE DID COME BACK after Henry left for the “store” so then he was out there knocking & I wouldn’t answer because I’m not entirely convinced he wasn’t a coal miner.

  • I was craving soondubu jjigae so Henry was all, “ALRIGHT, I HEAR YOU” and took me to Nak Won Garden for lunch on Saturday and I felt whole again. The playlist they had on was amaze, like being at home – Ailee, IU, Sistar, BTS…in fact, a Korean couple came in and sat down at the table next to us, and in Korean, the girl said, “It’s Bangtan Sondonyeon” to the guy and I was like, “YES – I UNDERSTOOD WHAT SHE SAID.” When the owner brought out the banchan (side dishes), I immediately snatched the kimchi and slid it closer to me and Henry was sad. Henry ordered tonkatsu but did not eat it as handsomely as Taemin.
    • But oh lord, that jjigae was exactly what I had been lusting after and it burnt my tongue in ways I would never usually allow.
    • Mamamoo was playing as we left. Great playlist, Nak Won! It put me in such a great mood for the rest day even though part of the day involved shopping which I hate.
  • But speaking of Saturday, that evening, we moved the furniture out of the living room and had FAMILY KPOPX NIGHT which was the second time this has happened and it is so much fun (for me)! I made an hour-long playlist on YouTube of various k-dance workouts and then we dove right in. Except for Henry, who kind of just hung in the back, flopping around. But at least he didn’t stop moving! I’m trying to get them to do this with me at least once a week but there’s been a bit of push-back.
  • The one thing that has stuck, at least, is that Chooch goes on walks with me everyday. I take at least three walks a day because I’m insane and it helps me calm down when I start to feel like I’m losing control. And Chooch tags along because we always have good conversations BUT THINGS WENT AWRY ON OUR SUNDAY NIGHT WALK. I don’t remember how it happened, but it was in front of the teen outreach center thing where Chooch started to get an attitude with me over cheese sandwiches and I was like WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE, I ATE WHAT MY MOM MADE ME FOR LUNCH YOU’RE SUCH AN ENTITLED JERK and he denied that he was that, so I started walking faster than him because that’s how I act when I’m mad – like a scorned teenager! On our way back home, I yelled, “I CAN’T WAIT UNTIL I’M ON MY DEATH BED SO I CAN REMIND YOU OF ALL THE TIMES YOU BROKE MY HEART!” and then he was like, “WHAT IF I DON’T EVEN SHOW UP?!” and then we both started laughing and everything was OK.

  • Drew knocked the candy cane out of Trudy’s hands yesterday morning and she is so lucky she’s Chooch’s cat because her ass would have been out in the street j/k I love cats and can’t stay mad ever.
  • It’s cold out today and snowing so Glenn was barely outside on his break. When I was getting ready to go out for mine (I try to spend my lunch hour walking around town no matter what the weather is like) I asked Glenn how long he was out for. He said about 10 minutes so I was like, “OK, then I’ll try for 12 so I can beat you.” I went outside and called Henry who was like, “Why are you outside, fool?? It’s cold!” and I told him I had to outlast Glenn. He was like, “Wow” and then I talked to him for 25 minutes about everything I hate today before yelling, “OMG I JUST FELL IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET!” and then my phone died because the cold air kills it every time, and I didn’t get a chance to tell Henry that I didn’t actually fall, I just ALMOST fell. Now he’s probably pacing, wondering if I’m dead in the middle of whatever road that is that’s a pretty popular road because it’s downtown but I don’t know road names. Oh well, I guess he’ll find out if he ever reads this blog post. (He won’t.)
  • In case you were wondering if Smokey Robinson is still alive, he is. I know this because Henry and I had a mild argument about it over the weekend and I won.
  • On our walk Friday night, Chooch blurted out, “I’m so glad you’re not a Pinterest Mom.” Same, Chooch. Same. Also, that was a nicer walk than Sunday’s.
  • Oh shit, did I tell you that I finally got half of deep-cleaning done at the dentist last week, and I’m not, in fact, losing my teeth? I know this because I asked the hygienist and she was like, “NO! Why do you keep asking that, calm down.”

  • Oh you guys, my phone just turned back on and look at the texts from Henry, HE ACTUALLY CARES.
  • One day last week, I was in Rock n’ Joe’s for a chai latte. I don’t normally go there because it just doesn’t really do it for me, BUT two of the nearby Crazy Mochas were fucking packed with people like really, at 2:30pm? Come the fuck on! I almost never have to wait in line for coffee/chai. So Rock n’ Joe’s it was. As I was waiting for my chai, “Sex & Candy” came on and I was like, “*BARRAGE OF MARCY MEMORIES*” But then the barista started singing it in front of me and I just lost all control of my filter and blurted out, “MY CAT WAS NAMED AFTER THIS BAND & I’M ABOUT TO CRY” because I’m either cripplingly introverted or flinging out unfiltered facts willy-nilly, no in between “Aw…well, um, that wasn’t our intention,” the barista said, like I was going to sue them or something. As I walking out, I heard one of the other baristas ask her what all that was about and she was like, “CRAZY CAT LADY ALERT” I don’t know, I couldn’t hear. I mean, at least I didn’t show her my tattoo but that’s mostly because I was wearing a coat.
  • I was going to tell another lunch break story but then remembered LUNCH BREAK TALES so maybe I should just wait until I have more tales to tell and then we’ll do that.

OK, I’m over 2,000 words and none of this is great.

Nov 172017
 

Hello. It’s Friday and I am better but still not 100% which is entirely all my fault because I have admittedly still been exercising every single day since I’ve been sick. I KNOW, I’M A DUMMY, Henry tells me this constantly. But I have a sickness (I mean, in addition to my current respiratory sickness). I got to work from home today at least because it’s Light Up Night in Pittsburgh which means downtown is an absolute clusterfuck of people who never come into the city and act like it’s their first time walking down a sidewalk and one time there was a shooting, so….Speaking of, here are some bullet points!

  • My little baby! My honey bunny! My lamby wamby! (Ok I’ll stop but props if you know that movie. No one did on Instagram.) But you guys, look at my pretty son. I wish I was even a third as photogenic as him. I’m also amazed that his hair stayed up until the picture was taken because bro is notorious for smashing it down as soon as he’s out of my eyesight.
    • Funny story about these pictures is that they went missing immediately after Chooch brought them home and I was like, “Did you look under the couch?” and Henry said “YES OF COURSE I DID THAT WAS THE FIRST PLACE I LOOKED YOU DUMBASS” and then accused me of “probably” “accidentally” throwing them away with the circulars because he’s forever-bitter that I throw that shit away before he can look at it but hello, I hate that he just leaves them scattered all over the dining room table for like months on end, like hello, those sales are OVER now, boyfriend. So Henry put gloves on and tore through all the garbage bags because I’m sick, remember (no seriously even if I was well, I wouldn’t do that). No pictures in the trash. So then a few days later, I was like, “LOOK UNDER THE COUCH AGAIN, I DON’T BELIEVE YOU” and so he lifted the couch while I was laying on the floor and sure enough there they were. SERVES YOU RIGHT, HENRY.
      • I mean, I guess he had a valid point about the garbage though because I’ve accidentally thrown out two wallets.
    • Also re: my pretty son, he talks about college pretty much every time we take our nightly walk (my favorite pasttime right now, btw) and tonight he casually mused, “What job should I have while I’m in college? Uber driver, probably.”
      • Speaking of our nightly walks, on our walk two nights ago, a Corgi puppy bit him and he was crying, not because it hurt but because it was “a dream come true.” (Full disclosure, the owner warned him that puppy was teething and nippy, but he didn’t care, and it wasn’t like A Scene or anything.)
    • In other Chooch is crying news, he got kicked out of the library the other day and this is the second time a librarian made him cry and I shouldn’t laugh because it’s not funny…..but, is it tho?

  • I have been subsisting on Korean soups and porridge all week, thank god for Henry. He made a wonderful 호박 죽 (pumpkin porridge) over the weekend and I wanted to just bathe in it.
  • BTS has been in the US all week, doing various late night show appearances leading up to their performance at the AMAs on Sunday, and I have been so excited! They did a mini-concert on Jimmy Kimmel (it’s supposed to air on the 29th) but this video was on Youtube and I was dying because I could totally see this happening to Henry and I would BE SPITTING MAD.

  • Chooch and I were watching some girl’s vlog where she was in the Hongdae district of Seoul, and she said, “People come here with no fashion, and leave with style” and we started choking to death on our laughter, imagining Henry leaving with any sort of style. “Maybe at most he’d leave with an expensive plain gray t-shirt,” I said, and then we started hiccuping through the laughs.

  • Um…help yourself.

  • Penelope loves Taemin so much that she lays near the TV to be close to him. 
  • My flowers have finally died at work and are so much more style now. When I took this picture, I couldn’t stop laughing because it looks like that fake finger is a big dick, so I posted it on Instagram and my work-friend Colleen said her little boy was scrolling through her feed and was all MOMMY WHAT IS THAT and as such, an interesting conversation was had.
    • Speaking of flowers, I forgot about the whole season change thing and now 80% of my plants are dead. My kid is still alive though, in spite of his staunch refusal to wear a fucking coat.
  • Jonny Craig’s pathetic bullshit band got dropped from their record label today because the industry IS FINALLY STARTING TO HEAR WHAT HIS EX-GIRLFRIENDS ARE SAYING ABOUT HIS GROSS DOMESTIC ABUSE AND LITERAL RAPE AT KNIFE POINT. Fuck this piece of garbage, fuck him so much, and fuck all of his blind minion fans who are constantly defending him and victim-blaming and saying that his exes just want their fifteen minutes of fame, and if that were the case, maybe they’d be out dating an actual fucking celebrity then and not some lowlife hasbeen. Perhaps I will write something more about this later but I am just too angry right now. More needs to happen. He needs actual legal consequences.
    • Also? Quit saying shit like, “That was years ago, get over it” because let me tell you motherfuckers something (not you guys, those other motherfuckers out there who hate women), I was in an abuse relationship when I was in high school, 20 years ago, and that SHIT STICKS WITH YOU. I still have occasional dreams of him coming after me, telling me he’s going to poke out my eyeballs and jam them up my vagina (an actual threat he gave me as we fought in the middle of the street I lived on and I was crying so hard and begging him not be mad at me BECAUSE HE HAD ME PSYCHOLOGICALLY TRAINED TO THINK EVERYTHING WAS MY FAULT OMG I CANNOT WRITE ABOUT THIS RIGHT NOW I JUST CAN’T. I AM SO FUCKING MAD.
  • Phew! That took a turn, didn’t it? Here’s something light: I had animal crackers and hot chocolate for lunch two days in a row this week because I’m living my best life (of a 4-year-old).

Well, on that note. I’m going to go and….probably exercise even though I still can’t stop coughing because THIS IS WHO I AM.

Oh, P.S. FUCK YOU, TRUMP.

Nov 112017
 

There’s nothing I love better than taking some cold meds and blogging! Let’s get bullet-y.

  • One day two weeks ago, back when I wasn’t sick, I had brunch at Shiloh Grill with Wendy, Summer, And Amber1! It was really nice to see Amber, but also a huge reminder of how different our little work group is without her. I’d also like to note that I was scared of the fruit salad because I thought it had bacon on top, but it turned out it was small slices of candied apples – it was amazing and totally worth the price of the buffet. (OK, maybe the frozen mimosa helped too.)
  • Henry picked me up from work the other day wearing this garish red Faygo hat, but at a glance it looked like a MAGA hat and I was so embarrassed! When we got home, I wouldn’t even cross the street with him. He thought it was great and will probably wear it all the time now that he knows it has built in Erin-deterrent.

  • Taking baby steps with Chooch in an effort to get him to like some, ANY Korean food. He almost likes bibimbap but he won’t mix the gochujang in it which is the best part, but whatever. I’m going to start putting little squirts of it on his tongue while he sleeps until he wakes up one day craving it. That’s normal parenting, right? I wouldn’t know, since I’m apparently a bad parent, according to some sources, lol.
  • Henry and I were fighting on Halloween so I deleted him as a contact since I have no social media left to block him on anymore, and even though we were only fighting for a day (and when I say we, I trust you know how to translate that), I was being stubborn and wouldn’t put him back in my phone. So even five days later, when I would want to send him a picture of something (specifically, a picture of our favorite* CVS employee in the wild), I would have to physically type in his number. So I did that, and then I kept on texting him about the things I was seeing on my walk around Brookline, like the old man who dances on the sidewalk with his portable speaker (on that day, he almost knocked me over in his zeal for Usher’s “Yeah” while wearing a Kenny Chesney shirt). Henry never responded and I was like whatever, he’s probably napping. But then later that night, we were all out together, and I was texting Henry from under the table at some diner, and he wasn’t responding so I was like WHY AREN’T YOU RESPONDING TO MY TEXTS and he was like “You haven’t texted me since yesterday, so….” I looked at my phone and realized that everything from that day had gone to a number that was one digit off from his. He thought this was fantastic and prayed that I would eventually get a response, but I looked up the number and it was a LANDLINE SO THERE.
    • By “favorite” I mean that we’re obsessed with his hit-or-miss attitude. He’s been there for years and one night, we were walking around talking about him and some of the other CVS people we haven’t seen in a while and that’s when you know you have lived in the same place for too long.

  • New shoes! I kept walking past Payless and seeing these cute pink Champions in the window. They were on sale and I would tell myself, “Just go in and buy them” but I am such a lazy shopper and will constantly put things off. Finally, I went in one day and couldn’t find them! I was so mad that I texted, “They don’t have them anymore, good job Henry!!!” because #blamehenry. He even looked on the website at home and said they didn’t even have them online anymore! I started looking in all sizes, just to see for sure, and right next to the smallest womens’ size, I saw them. A girl’s size 6. Wait – is this a womens size six? I asked myself. It looked large though so I tried it on and it was too big! I’m a 7.5 so that couldn’t have been a womens 6. Were these children’s shoes this whole time? I walked to the kids section and pulled down a box of 5s – they fit perfectly so I gave no fucks and bought them. That’s how I found out that I wear a size 5 in little girl shoes. I wore them to work and numerous people were like I LIKE YOUR NEW SHOES and I was like THANKS THEY’RE FOR KIDS! Now that I know I can fit into them, I’m going back to get something glittered.

  • Now that Barb and Gayle are gone from the department, this is what pie looks like after I cut it. :( Glenn said it looked like a crime scene. I had to use my hand at one point to get it all on the plate. I hate myself.
  • My mom texted me last night and asked, “Remember when you would put cinnamon in everything I was cooking?” and no I don’t but that really sounds like something I would do.

  • I had a bouquet of fake black roses on the mantel for years and suddenly Drew discovered them one day and was constantly jumping up there to gnaw on them. I finally just took them down because CATS RUIN EVERYTHING. They’re so fucking cute though. Ugh. The perils of cat-having.

  • Some donut place opened up in Washington, PA called Glazed & Confused. I saw one picture on Instagram and became obsessed with going, so we stopped there last Saturday on our way to the last haunted house of the season (Chooch should be posting his review this weekend once I come up with a price for him, ugh). Honestly, it wasn’t that great. Henry and I split one with just vanilla ice cream and fruity pebz, because if fruity pebz is a topping option I will take it every time. Honestly, the girl who waited on us was annoying and there just really wasn’t anything that original about this place. Turns out it’s probably a chain, too. I mean, it was good but I wouldn’t go running back anytime soon. (If I had to choose between this place and that bigot-run Peace, Love & LIttle Donuts, give me a one-way ticket to Washington.)

  • On the way home from the above-mentioned haunted house, which was in Weston, WV, we stopped at DJ’s Diner, also in West Virginia, and it was, well, it just was. For starters, Chooch and I both ordered a Gardenburger and the waitress was legit shook. “Y’all are the first ones to order that,” she said, bewildered. Meanwhile, some broad was slowly trying to eat her meal while holding a newborn a baby while her “hubby” (ugh hate that word but it seems very WV-ish) gave no fucks about her struggle. And then this family of WVU fans rolled in – two sisters (one was in elementary school, the other was probably 8th or 9th grade which I deduced by the Young Bitch air she had to her), the obese mom, and the 5-packs a day granny. The youngest girl was eating a candy bar she got from granny’s purse, and then granny went up to put some cash in the juke box, filling the diner with predictable country trash. Chooch, whose back was toward them, started bitching about this immediately. “OMG this music sucks! I bet these people voted for Trump!” and I was slowly sliding down in my seat because the older girl had me fixed in her glare, and then Chooch was like, “I NEED TO ASSESS TO THIS MUSIC SITCH” and strode up to the juke box like a man on a mission, with his Warped Tour shirt and City Boi vibes. Oh, those fish out of water feels, always makes the meal taste so much better.
    • The fries were crinkle-cut and at first I was dismayed because I hate crinkle cut, but they ended up being really good and somewhere in there is a heart-warming analogy for race relations or something.

  • My friend Katrina had a baby a few weeks ago and I was so excited for her that I had to paint something for her little sweet Ophelia. Ugh, I love that name!
  • I was so excited when I heard that BTS will be performing “DNA” at the American Music Awards until I stopped to consider that this RACIST AMERICA so I made the mistake of peeking at the comments, just on Twitter, which were full of Asian stereotypes and things like, “So now this is the Korean Awards?” nevermind the fact that the AMAs consistently has Canadian and British artists on it and I’m sure everyone would cheer if that Despacito dude strode out on stage, but OMG ASIANS GO HOME. It makes me sick and I feel so protective of these kpop artists.

  • Henry and Chooch came downtown last Friday during lunchtime so that we could finally apply for Chooch’s passport. He sat in the waiting area, reading Modern Farmer, as you do, and then afterward, when the clerk asked if we had any questions, Chooch raised his hand and asked, “So…are they always blue?” We were all like wtf are you talking about and it turns out he wanted to choose a custom color for his passport but it felt like Pee Wee asking to see the basement of the Alamo and I’m acutely aware of how many times I use that scene to describe moments in my life. But yeah. That was his main concern, which is so Chooch.
  • A lot of my friends have asked me, “Aren’t you guys afraid to travel to South Korea?!” and the answer is “I live in America, home of record-shattering mass shootings, so no” but depending on the day, the other answer is “sometimes.” NOT thinking that way at least for a second is just sheer ignorance. It’s a valid question, and a valid concern. We’re very aware of what’s going on, but instead of just relying on the hyper-sensationalized American media, I read a lot of the S.Korean news sources as well. It was kind of funny, not so much in a “ha ha” way, but I was at a lunch a few weeks ago and there was this lively conversation about all of the exotic locales some of our co-workers have been vacationing to recently, and as soon it was brought up that I’m going to South Korea, it got AWKWARD. Someone monotoned, “Oh. Wow” and another person dryly said, “If it’s still there” and then the conversation was officially killed and all you could hear was forks scraping across plates. It was awesome.
    • But really – what IS safe anymore??
    • Also, I do appreciate that my friends care, though. I know that they just don’t want me to be in any kind of peril and with our current “president,” you just don’t know. Saying that I’m not nervous sometimes would be a big lie.
  • I still feel shitty. I think I will just stay home and watch horror movies all weekend, FIGHT ME. (You’ll win though; I’m so weak and pathetic right now.0
  • Henry and I watched the recent Super Junior episode of Weekly Idol last night and were laughing so hard. What was my life before Korea?!
  • I want to have a casual Xmas party again this year but there are so many projects “we” have to finish around here and I’m panicking because nothing is happening. I need two or three more Henrys.

OK that’s all. I’m going to lay back down, how do I feel worse than I did yesterday this sucks!!!!

Oct 242017
 

I know it seems like there could be way worse things in life, and maybe you’re right, but I took a week off a work in the beginning of October because I have some PTO I need to use up before I lose it, and I hate taking time off with nothing to do! Most normal people think that’s a dream, this whole staycation phenomenon, but I’m not part of that population. I think I’m too lonely. I need company. Or to be on an actual vacation.

That week made me realize how dependent I am on my work friends to entertain my mindless babbling all day long. I won’t take you for granted anymore, guys!

Anyway, here’s a run-down of what I did on my week off. tl;dr: It was not much after that first day.

  • On Monday (i.e. the Day After the Pie Party), I met Maya and Scott in the Strip for breakfast before they had to head off to the airport. We were going to eat at Deluca’s but there were a million Yinzers standing outside of it, even though it was a weekday. (“It’s Columbus Day, though,” Henry reminded me later, which just made me get all angry and yell FUCK COLUMBUS.) But it was just as well, because we ended up going to this place next to it called Raymond’s. I don’t know if this place is new or what, but I have never heard of it. It was a fucking delight! The had two self-serve water coolers, one had lemon and orange slices in it, which I was stoked about, but Maya was the opposite of stoked because she has a citrus allergy. She stuck with un-citrused water. While Scott & Maya each had gigantic breakfast sandwiches, I pretended like I hadn’t absorbed 8 pounds of sugar at the pie party and had French toast on homemade bread with strawberry compote. The waitress asked me if I wanted whipped cream on it and I was like WHY STOP NOW. Then Scott called Robert Smith FAT BOB. Hnnng!!
    • Oh shit, when I was paying the fare attendant before heading downtown on the trolley that morning, I thought he was giving me a high-five, so I started to go in for it, but TURNS OUT HE WAS JUST STRETCHING I HATE MYSELF. Two days in a row of misread social cues.

  • We walked around a bit after breakfast, in the stupid unseasonal humidity (oh god, it was awful — can’t you tell by my hair?!), until it was time for Maya and Scott to get on the airport bus. I wanted to drive them to the airport but dumb Henry had my car, so good job making our out-of-town guests take a bus to the airport, Henry you rude son of a bitch. Anyway, it sucked saying goodbye to them and I MIGHT have cried a little bit on the trolley ride back home which is really nothing new because I cry on the trolley a lot, but still. I loved hanging out with these fools and can’t wait to see them again!

  • This was my view a lot of the days during my vacation. It was so warm the whole week and I went on 87 walks a day because there was nothing else to do which is false, I could have cleaned, finished any one of the 14 paintings I have strewn about, caught up on my blog…but no, I just walked a lot, KpopX’d, and annoyed the shit out of the cats (and Henry, whom I called constantly to ask, “Are you done working yet? Are you done? When? Now? Are you on your way home?” Ugh, I get so lonely!) I had way too much nervous energy to even kick back and watch a movie. I did practice my Korean, though! Update: it’s still hard as fuck. Chris sent me this article about the world’s hardest languages and it’s number 3 so pray for me.

  • Drew, about to do something stupid.

  • When I wasn’t walking on the high school track or taking my 90th loop around Brookline, I was with my bony peeps at the cem.

  • On Wednesday, my mom stopped over to give me this shirt she bought me specifically because it’s a knock-off of a shirt that G-Dragon wore once. Chooch was like, totally disgusted about this. She bought this over at a good time, because I had just come home from my first appointment with Amber2’s dentist and well, let’s just say that dental office has been indoctrinated into the world of Spazzy Erin. That poor hygienist had no idea what was coming when she called me back and I answered her “How are you?” with a frantic, “I AM FRRRRRRREAKING OUT!” She laughed but I was like, “No really, are my teeth loose? Am I going to lose my teeth? Do I need like, a bridge or something?” And she was just like, “Settle down, you’re not going to lose your teeth!” And then she wanted to talk about her kids’ sleeping habits for some reason, and I was trying desperately to say around her hands, “Yeah, but can we talk about my teeth? AM I GOING TO DIE?!” It was a bad scene. My hands were so clammy. Anyway, the dentist came in and was super casually said she was referring me to an endodontist because she thinks I might need a root canal which is strange because I have no pain?! So I made the mistake of texting Amber a barrage of freak out texts about it, and then she TOLD GLENN who had audio of a dental drill playing when I came back to work the next Monday. UGH.
    • Anyway, I have my root canal consultation today, so god help me.

  • Hey, something that cheered me up was getting this Notorously Morbid Halloween advent box in the mail, as a total surprise. Turns out it was from my friend Kristen! It was a great distraction and I started opening the stuff on the 19th and have loved every single item thus far! Thank you, Kristen! I always wear the same gold eyeshadow so it’s been fun venturing out and trying shades that I wouldn’t normally wear but look awesome! Horizons, broadened. :)

  • One of the nights I was off, I drank wine and watched Weekly Idol. Livin’ large.
  • Another night, Chooch and I went to Hundred Acres Manor (it was yawn-inducing, tbh) and then met up with Chris afterward at Eat n Park, so that was one fun vacation night!
  • On my last weekday off, Janna and I walked to Pamela’s for breakfast and then I went back to the high school track because I panicked about not walking enough after walking all the way to Mt. Lebanon and back, I think I need psychiatric help.

  • That Friday night, we went to a haunted house in Toronto, OH and it turns out ROBERT URICH WAS BORN THERE?! I only found out when I saw that there’s a road named after him. If you knew me in high school, you know how I obsessed I was with him.  I texted Lisa immediately and she was just like, “Oh god, no.” Apparently, this is the only thing Toronto, Ohio has going for it because it sure as shit isn’t Margaret’s Cafe.

  • Possibly the highest moment of my time off was in line for a haunted house when the lineman guy said to someone in the group behind us, “I see you have Ed Gein on your shirt.” Everyone was like, “Huh?” and he kept going on and on about Ed Gein. I was craning my neck, trying to see this supposed shirt. “Yeah, the character on your shirt was based on the serial killer Ed Gein,” he went on, and I was trying to see if the one guy had like, Buffalo Bill or Norman Bates on his shirt or something. Nope. “Clown by day, killer by night,” he added. He started to walk away just as Henry locked eyes with me and silently pleaded for me to not to do it. But I had to. “IT WAS JOHN WAYNE GACY, NOT ED GEIN,” I blurted out with my arm raised like I was in a classroom, unable to wait to be called on. The haunted house worker turned around slowly and said, “Oh…was it?” like he was UNSURE if he should believe this dumb blond girl who probably reads Us Weekly and watches the Kardashians. THAT’S WHAT YOU’RE THINKING, RIGHT GUY?! Henry just shook his head and sighed because he hates when my know-it-all-ness rears its ugly head, but I’m sorry, I practically majored in serial killers and I couldn’t let that extreme piece of misinformation slide. “I make serial killer cards,” I told the guy and he was just like, “Oh OK” and then continued on with the rules of the haunted house. Sucks to be schooled. “You know people think you’re an asshole,” Henry sighed. That’s fine. I’m used to being lonely up here at the top. OH!
  • We went to Dairy Queen and our Blizzards were not served upside down! This was an outrage! I got all mad about it and Henry was just like, “Oh well” and walked away while I was googling how to make a citizens arrest.

Well. That was prettty much my whole entire week off, point-by-point. When I went back to work that Monday, Amber said during our meeting that it was so quiet all week without all of my “drama.” AW! I took that as a compliment.

Oct 092017
 

Time needs to slow down and also speed up simultaneously. I’m having a major countdown going on internally, but at the same time, I’m trying not to rush through the days, especially these sacred fall days. Why does fall have to be the shortest season of the four? It still feels like summer here in the ‘Burgh – my hair was a frizzy nest and my face had that totally attractive humid glaze to it all weekend and I just wanted to cry. Today was no better, except that I didn’t have to go to work because it’s Day One of my Week Off For No Reason! (Actually, the reason is because I had to start using some PTO before I freaking lose it — I go through this every year). So since I’m sitting here at 9:30pm, post-Kpop workout, and dying from the humidity in my house-oven, I figured I would let off some steam by thought-dotting.

  • Speaking of devastation (let’s just dive right in!), Lauren heard that the Pirates were doing a collection for Puerto Rico relief last week, so Nate and I joined her Tuesday afternoon in walking over some much-needed goods across the bridge to PNC Park. I contributed a bunch of pet food, which was on the list, and Nate & Lauren rounded up some bottled water and baby supplies. The plan was just to stop at the local CVS on the way over, but Henry caught wind of the plan and was all, “CVS IS TOO EXPENSIVE I WILL BUY THE PET FOOD ELSEWHERE” which meant I had to lug this big bag of pet food to work that morning, no big deal. But Nate & Lauren have normal spouses who didn’t meddle so they got to have normal commutes in and then bought their stuff at CVS, where the cashier tried to make some dumb joke about the varying diaper sizes we threw down on the counter and Nate desperately wanted him to think that we were all three in some progressive millennial three-way relationship and that he was actually the mother of our babies. But the cashier was already too focused on sharing various DIY projects that we could do with excess plastic bags, and that was just really weird, because he was talking about how they make sturdy ropes and now I’m positive that he knows this because he’s used one on the milkmaid he’s holding hostage in his basement. We also know that he has an ex-wife and that his roommate is one of his CVS co-workers and I”m hoping that it’s the other cashier who was working that day, who was imploring people to COME ON DOOOOOOOWWWWWN to his register. So, that was an adventure. Then we lugged all of our items over to PNC Park, where we were told some of the players were milling about but admittedly none of us know a single Pirate so that didn’t really concern us. We just wanted to do our part because fuck you Trump. I also really liked how symbolic it was that the Pirates were doing this because the one thing I do know about the Pirates is that Roberto Clemente was trying to do this same thing for Nicaragua when his plane crashed. I might not be that into baseball, but I am for sure a fan of the Pirates.
    • Honestly though, why is everything so terrible. I felt guilty because I want to help everyone. Houston, Puerto Rico, Mexico City, Las Vegas…how do you choose who needs it more??  Just take all of my money. :(
      • What if one of those evangelical raptures actually happened and those of us who were Left Behind are actually living in some horrific Limbo of mass shootings, fatal acts of nature, Trump, etc etc.
  • Henry was over here the other night mouthing off about how he was using sriracha back before using sriracha was cool and is that like listening to a band before Pitchfork rates it?
  • I worked from home on Friday and boy let me tell you no one in my house ever wants to talk to me as much as they do when I’m working from home.
    • Also, I wonder if the cats noticed that I was playing the same song over and over.
  • Henry and I were about to walk into CVS the other night when some broad came over to me and asked, “Excuse me hon, are you from here?” and I was like OMG WHAT DO I SAY WHICH IS THE CORRECT ANSWER LAWD HELP ME so I blurted out “yes?” like a total stoop, waiting for her to say she needed directions or my body on ice in a bathtub but no, she wanted to know where the best place is around here to get pizza. SHOO, GIRL, YOU CAME TO THE RIGHT PLACE. I will talk to anyone about my pizza opinions. Pizzopinions? I told her Giovanni’s and Fiori’s and Henry was all, “Girl bye” and went into CVS because we have very different pizza palates. Pizzalates? No, that doesn’t work.
  • Henry was studying the Seoul subway lines and in that moment, he was Oppa Supreme.
    • Until today, when I learned a new Korean word: 빵셔틀. It means “bread shuttle” and it’s slang that Korean school bullies use to refer to the weaker kids that they make run errands for them, like they are literally shuttling around bread for the bullies. HENRY IS THE WEAKER PERSON IN MY HOUSE WHO CHOOCH AND I MAKE RUN ALL THE ERRANDS. This couldn’t be more perfect. I texted it to Henry in Korean and he put it in Google translate and sent me a screenshot with a bunch of “????”s, like he thought that I made a mistake and was trying to make me feel dumb, BUT WHO IS THE DUMB ONE NOW, BREAD SHUTTLE.
  • Three girls left Girl’s Generation, you guys. “They went from 9 to 5,” I said sadly. “Yeah, that’s not how math works,” Chooch said snidely and I yelled, “ANOTHER GIRL ALREADY LEFT EARLIER, OK!?”  Pour one out for SNSD (that’s what they’re called in Korea; try to keep up):

  • There’s this one crossing guard that I always exchange awkward and flat “good morning”s with on my way to the trolley every day. I don’t usually get much out of him in the way of personality, but on Monday, almost as an afterthought, he said to me, “You’ve lost weight, haven’t you?” and then he started to backtrack by saying, “I mean, not that you needed to, um…you know—” and I cut him off to thank him, genuinely, because I had just been looking at a recent picture of me from Amber1’s bridal shower and feeling really shitty about myself, which I try not to do anymore, but you know…we all have those days and it sucks, but sometimes you just gotta let yourself have a negative thought or 87, get it out of your system, shake it off, pound a cupcake….and then start over with a positive mindset the next day. But man, I know it’s a slippery slope making that type of observation about a woman and then having the balls to say it to her, but I really did appreciate it because I have really been working so hard and most days it seems pretty unnoticeable.
    • This wasn’t anywhere near the levels of awkward achieved by a security guard at one of old jobs who insinuated that he wouldn’t have guessed I was a vegetarian because, you know. “No, what?” I pressed, until he DREW AN HOUR GLASS SHAPE IN THE AIR WITH HIS FINGERS. Wow dude wow. I actually was pretty whatever about it but a co-worker overheard and got offended FOR ME and ended up reporting the guy. It turned into a whole thing and I got fucking interrogated by the supervisor of the security guards and I was just like, “Look, it was a dumb comment and I don’t think he even realized what he was saying” because I have had much, much, much worse said and done to me and that wasn’t something I was losing sleep over. Dude either got fired or quit, I don’t know, but I never saw him again after that, all because of a dumb comment.
      • WOW THIS BLOG POST IS SO HEAVY.

  • My mom took Chooch to Trax Farms last weekend to get autumn decorations for our house. They came back with the obligatory corn stalks and a pumpkin. After assessing the corn stalk sitch, I determined that they needed fake blood and baby doll heads. “Really?” Chooch cried, throwing his hands up in the air. “Val and I go and get nice decorations for the house and of course you want to ‘add blood’ it.” WOW AND I THOUGHT HE WAS MY KID.
    • But then a few nights later, we went on a late night stroll around Brookline (we live dangerously) and had a lively conversation about our grammar pet peeves. WOW HE’S MY KID.
      • Speaking of that, Henry used a double negative around Calvin’s impressionable 4-month-old ears and I almost castrated him right then and there. DON’T TEACH THE BABY BAD TALKING, HANK. Honestly though, I have tried an exhausting number of times to teach Henry what double negatives mean and I guess he gets it but he just doesn’t care. At least he doesn’t say “ain’t” or “yinz.”

We’ll end with a cat video because that’s just how it’s gonna be.

Sometimes Drew has to be reacquainted with her tail.

A post shared by Erin Appledale (@ohhonestlyerin) on

 

Sep 272017
 

Here’s a recap of some things that have happened at work over the last month or so.

  • The Pumpkin of International Candy Horrors is still in full effect around here. Actually, I haven’t filled it up in a while but that’s OK because there’s still stuff in there that people keep picking around and maybe I should just not refill it until they eat all the bad stuff too, right? For example, the pouch of prunes.  The last fill-up was from Lotus Foods, which I sometimes walk to on my lunch break. I was mad because there were a bunch of white assholes in the candy aisle, loudly mocking all the candy that my work friends and I have come to cherish. Sorry if your palates aren’t refined enough, dumbos. I grabbed a bag of “assorted ham” but I think it was mislabeled because it was definitely that “haw” candy I bought before which tastes like thick fruit roll-ups. They’re super good. I meant to try and get some candy when we were in Chicago but when I searched “weird candy Chicago” the only thing that stood out was this place that’s supposed to be “famous” in Chicago (what isn’t though, really) but when I went to the website, it was ALL OF THAT GROSS CANDY I bought from  the Mexican store near my house (and also some of the good candy I bought from the Mexican store near my house, but if I wanted more of that, I would just take a walk when I’m home, you know?).
    • Speaking of that Mexican store, there is this guy who works the taco cart in front (it’s wildly popular and brings ALL THE HIPSTERS and FOODIES to my town, so gross). Anyway, this guy is my secret boyfriend. I walk past him everyday because I’m, you know, always walking, and he always says hello to me in his super-flirty accent and I’m always like, “Hehehehe, hello” and he has his eyebrow pierced which normally I wouldn’t like, but you know—accent. If Henry is with me, he won’t say hello though.
      • Hi Henry.
    • Um, back to the subject of candy. One day last month, someone found a dollar on the floor and it ended up being Lauren’s. Instead of pocketing it, she said, “You know, put this aside for the candy refill,” and she gave it to me! I thought that was really nice and also , why am I not collecting money from EVERYONE.
  • One day, I was standing in line at Crazy Mocha, minding my own business like I do, when a man next to me leaned over and said, “Apologies in advance if I smell a little….musty.” Oh wow, not the pick-up line I was expecting, but OK. “I spent ALL DAY in the University of Pittsburgh library archives.” THERE IT IS. “Oh wow, ok. I don’t smell anything, don’t worry,” I said with faux-reassurance and then used my back as a conversation stopper. But no, he wasn’t done. “I never thought working in a library would leave me so smelly,” he said with absolute dryness to his voice. He wouldn’t look at me while he was speaking, either, but instead he kept his head tilted up slightly toward the ceiling, almost in a boastful stance. I nodded and then went back to scrolling through pictures of G-Dragon on Instagram because #life. “Pitt hired me because I’m fluent in French. I know the French bibliographer there,” he continued after about a minute of silence passed AND IT STILL WASNT MY TURN TO ORDER. I vaguely heard him reference Raiders of the Lost Ark but I had fucking shut down at this point. OK cool story guy, you get to work with dusty books all day. “I felt really bad for the people I sat near on the bus yesterday, having to smell me,” he said and I seriously thought he was going to press his body into my face and make me smell him, he was so obsessed!
    • The weirdest part is that while this guy didn’t smell at all, I had stormed into work the day before bitching about the old guy who was sitting next to me on the trolley and how musty he smelled, and then I had one of those weird moments where the word “musty” didn’t sound right and had I been using a fake word all these years? But I googled it and it’s a real word, so there.
  • On another episode of Erin Gets Taken For a Ride, I had just left the office one day for my lunch time stroll, when some old woman stopped me in front of our building. Something about just having taken her insulin, needs a dollar to buy some food so she doesn’t pass out…I don’t know. It all happened so fast, but she reminded me of Henry’s mom and I was like, “OK OK OK, I will get you a dollar!” I told her to stay there and I went all the way back up to the tenth floor, got a dollar out of my desk, and went back out to give it to her. But when I got there, she was talking to two young women with a baby stroller (I think there was a baby in there? I didn’t look, because babies, meh). The women were REALLY ORANGE-IN-THE-NEW-BLACK-LOOKING, you guys. Totally rough and clad in wife beaters, one had a half-shaved head, the other had barbed wire tattooed around her bicep. Just, you know…intimidating. I handed the lady a dollar and she looked at me like she didn’t know what I was doing, but that didn’t stop her from clamping onto the bill. “Oh, these are my friends,” she said, nodding at the two women, and all three of them just looked at me blankly and I was petrified because were they going to shake me down for more money?! I kind of wanted to renege and pull back my dollar but the lady was already taking out of my fingers and oh, what to do?! I know, turn and run. You guys, the way she thanked me, it was like I was PAYING HER BACK A DOLLAR THAT I OWED HER.
    • When I went back in after my break, I was telling Lauren what went down and she was like, “THIS IS WHY YOU SHOULDN’T GIVE MONEY TO PEOPLE ON THE STREET” and this was just the start of a long-winded lecture about how I shouldn’t be gullible and how that lady probably had enough ones to buy 87 orders of fries now.
    • That’s OK because it was actually LAUREN’S DOLLAR I GAVE THAT LADY, OH LOL LOL LOL!
      • I actually just saw that broad again last week, right after some businessman gave her money and a hug and I watched that con-artist wipe away her fake tears and wanted to trip her, oxygen tank and all!
  • I had a nightmare about Catherine. She was yelling at me from her office because I handed her a stack of folders and papers that I had hand-written and she hated my handwriting and felt that it was time to let me know because she just couldn’t take it anymore. So the next morning, IRL, I remembered the dream and found myself labeling a folder for her very slowly and as neat as possible. I told Glenn about this and he muttered, “Did you use your best crayon?” Ugh. I finally told Catherine about my dream later that afternoon and she exclaimed, “OMG I LOVE your handwriting though! I always have!” and I was like, “Yeah I know, my handwriting is awesome, duh.” *nail painting emoji*
  • I made Todd watch the new BTS video and he said he liked it but he doesn’t like that there are 7 of them in the group. “It’s just too many. One of them is going to end up starting a fight and then it’s all over,” he said and I was like, “Yeah, if they were AMERICAN.” I don’t let Glenn watch my Kpop videos anymore because he’s a hater and the one day I was so mad because he was mocking the boy groups again and calling G-Dragon a pretty little girl and I was about ready to blow a gasket but then Carrie came over and distracted me long enough for my heart rate to come down. SORRY I’M NOT STANNING JETHRO TULL, GLENN.
  • The day before I left for my lame Brookline vacation, Lori was like, “I want tacos. Do you want to go get tacos?” Whoever says no to tacos? Probably Trump supporters, of which I am not one so I said YES and we went to Condado and I didn’t fuck up my tacos this time  (last time I added the wrong sauce or something to my BBQ jackfruit creation and it just curb-stomped the whole flavor profile) and we also got the guac of the day which had raspberry puree in it and I never knew how much guacamole needed raspberries until that day and now I can never not eat it with raspberries. I’m just that fancy.

  • One of the new perks that come along with Friday late shifts is that we have the option to work them from home. I mean, they’re still a drag but whatever. Anyway, Amber was all, “Make sure you have Jabber set up so you can take calls” and I was like, “OK but isn’t the REAL PERK of working from home that you get to miss all of your work phone calls? No? Ok. I put it off the first several times I was working from home but then I finally decided I better get that shit straightened out even though hardly anyone ever calls me at work. I logged on, threw on my headset and called my office phone from my cell phone. Nothing. Not even white noise. Just dead silence. So I’m sitting here at work, alternating saying hello into my headset and into my phone before eventually giving up and performing a traditional Angry Erin swear-stuffed screamo song. Then I called Henry and started yelling at him too because this was somehow his fault since he’s the one who plugged the headset in for me. While I was on the phone with him, my stupid Jabber notification popped up, saying that I had an incoming call from Lauren. OH GREAT A CALL I CAN’T ANSWER! I emailed her back immediately and said, “Jabber difficulties” and then after I finished verbally castrating Henry, I called Lauren back from my cell phone and started complaining right off the bat about my dead Jabber connection. “Erin,” she interrupted me solemnly. “Something happened….” She was scaring me. Was she calling to tell me that someone knocked over my Fiji mermaid?! Did Glenn deface my G-Dragon pictures? WHA’ HAPPENED?!!? Oh, I’ll tell you what happened. When I called myself, it somehow connected to my actual desk phone at work, put itself on SPEAKER, and broadcast me saying, “hello? hello?” to the whole quadrant. Lauren said she heard my voice coming from my desk and slowly turned around, and saw that Glenn and Todd were also blankly staring at my desk. And then Ethan was all, “Isn’t Erin working from home today?” She said it was so creepy and made her instantly yearn for Season 2 of Stranger Things. “Oh my god, like I was trapped in my phone or something?” I said, and then we had a hearty laugh, but really I was half-embarrassed that happened and also super thankful that I hung up before anyone could hear the explosive cursing that followed the hellos. “I wish they had heard,” Henry sighed. “Then they’d finally know the Erin I know.”
    • I’m working from home again this Friday and still haven’t figured it out. Please don’t call me. Email only.
Aug 262017
 

I have been trying to get this dumb bulletpointed photo dump written for two weeks now but….distractions. For instance, right now I’m typing this on my phone while watching videos from KCON LA and I keep pausing to tell Henry things like “I like this song. Do you like them? This stage was better at KCON NY. That guy is from Chicago. He’s from Hong Kong.” And Henry is a better person now for knowing these things.

Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that there will be typos. And I know I’m forgetting shit that seemed so blog-worthy at the moment BUT I GUESS MY LIFE IS REALLY JUST BLAND AFTER ALL.

  • Henry bought me that difficult oatmeal again after I told him not to because it requires too much effort to make. I thought I had it down pat though, the whole “heat for 30 seconds, stir, repeat until you quit caring” technique, but then CHERYL came into the kitchen while I had my face pressed against the microwave and asked what I was doing. WHAT DOES IT LOOKS LIKE CHERYL IM BABYSITTING MY LUNCH. So she decided this was a great time to strike up a conversation and I swear I only took my eyes off the kid for a second on the playground in the microwave when it EXPLODED and I cried, “UGH CHERYL LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO!” So then I had to clean everything up which is my least favorite thing to do aside from probably getting murdered or whatever, and she was still like “Let’s talk about things!” As I was adding the mix-ins to my oatmeal (honey, cinnamon, etc) she was like, “Oh wow I never would have thought to add those things” and I felt like I was filming a COOKING SHOW, isn’t that horrifying? Me, a cooking show. Ugh. This oatmeal is not worth it.
  • I referred to one of the neighbors as a “real CU next Tuesday,” which Chooch overheard and asked what it meant. Nothing, I said, which only made him persist, eventually to the point of begging. I couldn’t believe he didn’t already know because kid knows all the bad stuff. Eventually it occurred to him that this is what the Internet is for, emergencies like this, and I could tell by his ferocious giggle fit that he had surfed the Urban Dictionary wave. “Good one, Erin” henry sighed about Chooch said that’s what he’s going to call Markie’s mom from now on.

  • We’re in the process of redecorating some areas of the house. I suggested adding blood spatter to the bathroom walls and henry said, “OK. Come here.” Snap. So far we have accomplished the wall behind the TV, and by now you know I mean that I told Henry what I want and he did it.
    https://instagram.com/p/BYPFUi1A1Ld/

  • Chris hung out with us a few Fridays ago! She brought her yarn over and worked on a project while I made her watch Weekly Idol and taught her about aegyo and Chooch kept trying to pull her away from me because that’s what he does—steals friends. At one point, he grabbed my laptop and read things in Spanish using Google translate for Chris to translate because she is fluent in Spanish and that’s what she does for work–Spanish subtitling. He started to run out of sentences to type until I giddily whispered one in his ear. He started giggling too, and read the Spanish version of it for Chris, who sighed, “See you next Tuesday.” LOLOLOLOL, Chooch and I giggled like little school girls. After Chris left that night, I said to Henry, “She’s like REALLY good at Spanish.” “Well I should hope so,” he said. “It’s her JOB.”

  • Two Sundays ago (god I’m a blogging slacker) I had a real big hunger tantrum after Chooch’s piano lesson and I’ll save you the gnarly details and skip to the end where we settled on some veg-friendly sandwich shop in Oakland. As soon as we sat down, Henry took off for the bathroom and we were like WOW OK RUDE. Of course as soon as he went in there, some yuppie lady and her little girl needed to use it at that precise moment and acted all alarmed and confused as they tried in vain to twist the doorknob. “Figures, henry went in there to poop and now there’s a line,” I said, which made Chooch have a near medical emergency called EXTREME LAUGHING SEIZURES. So then I started laughing and Chooch fed off my laughter and was crying with a red face and it was SO LOUD that I wondered if the people working there were going to think I was burning him with a lighter under the table. Thank god, aside from the yuppie mom and her little brat that had to pee, we were the the only patrons there at that time. Because shit was escalating fast (in the barroom too, I bet.) I texted Henry “Good job, you caused a line to form” and I thought Chooch actually vomit from mirth-tremors. Since this was not only about Henry but also loo-related, I texted my friend Alyson about his line-formation drama at the college sandwich shop and that made us the only three people in the world who found the humor in this.

hooch made me take a picture of the bathroom door

  • Fire on my street! This was last week, several houses down. Actually, it was Chooch’s enemy Jackie’s house and the crazy thing was the day before I ran into her and when I asked how she was doing, she sighed, “We’re all still here.” I moved to this street in 1999 and she was already living here so we’re like the only OGs left at this point. Then a day later, there was an electrical fire in her house. Luckily, no one was hurt. It happened early enough in the evening that her husband was able to catch it, but the firemen were still there for like three hours. Maybe just two. Time, like money, is not something I have a good grasp of.

  • Glenn was choking the other day at work, like for a good while. At first I was just ignoring it, but then I suddenly got a surge of giddiness. I was trying to swallow them back to the point of tears, and then I gave up. Since it was obvious at this point that I was laughing at him, I turned around and, through gurgling giggles, said, “I’m so sorry Glenn, but I literally cannot stop laughing!”. When he finally got his choking under control, he wheezed, “It’s OK, I’m fine” and then I started cracking up all over again. Am I a sociopath?
    • Usually when I start laughing at everything, that means very soon I will be crying at everything so CANT WAIT. #BipolarAmusementPark
  • I had dinner with Barb a few weeks ago, but it was hijacked by Chooch so I just sat there and sulked while he was all charming and entertaining. Ugh why can’t I be like Chooch?!

  • We still have a POS POTUS.
  • Totally falling in love with WANNA ONE. (KCON LA videos are still on ok?!)
    Target self-checkout helping Henry keep an eye on us.

  • So, I didn’t care about the eclipse. Sue me. However, it was pretty fun at work during the height of it all when the obligatory Bonnie Tyler jam was played causing our director to come out of her office and say, “Seriously if I hear his song one more time today…” But then A-Ron let some of us use his special glasses and it was actually pretty cool. But enough people posted pictures on Instagram for me to have easily been OK with not partaking. And I guess none of Chooch’s YouTubers told him about it because he had no idea it was happening until I left for work and told him, as an afterthought, not to look ip during the eclipse. I mean, if ever there was a good time to start acting like a mom, right? (I ALSO MADE HIM BREAKFAST THAT DAY TOO, SO.) HNC came over with his welders glasses for Chooch to use and when I asked him after work if he enjoyed it, he slowly said, “I….guess…?”

  • Rainier cherries and lychees, like you do. People think I only shop at the Asian markets because I’m all about Korea but the truth is that we’ve been hitting up the Asian markets for years because my fruit palate is so fucking refines, bitches. Save your bananas and grapes for your own self. (lol I’m not even actually this much of an asshole IRL I promise.)

  • The zealots have been out in full force downtown lately. I got this awesome Satan pamphlet from the Witnesses (after everyone in front of me was like NOPE) and then a few days later, I was approached for the first time ever by someone from the CHURCH OF SCIENTOLOGY! They gave me a brochure with a personality test inside and I’m going to put myself in Glenn’s shoes and fill it out. I already sent back the “SEND ME MORE INFO” portion of the Satan thing with Glenn’s address on it. Maybe I just helped him choose a path. You don’t know.

  • We randomly visited the Cathedral of Learning a few Sundays ago, right on the heels of Chooch’s and my laugh-attack over Henry causing a line-up outside of the bathroom at Unique Eats. Needless to say, we were super sensitive to everything and kept cracking up vociferously, causing Henry to go to the restroom and THEN DITCH US. He said he knew where we were the whole time because hello—-Cathedral. Our cackles echoed all over. Everyone knew where we were. I was excited to go to the Korean room though! The last time I was there, I hadn’t imprinted on Korea yet.

(After we discovered Henry, from three floors up.)

  • Yesterday, Chooch came in the house and said abruptly, “I was just thinking about Drew dying and now I want to spend all my time with her!” as big fat tears squirted out of his eyeballs. Then he collapsed on the chaise with her and straight sobbed. It was heartbreaking.

And on that note! Go hug an animal or something. Goodnight.

May 272017
 

I’ve had a mild headache for almost a day now at this point and I can’t get it to go away, and also I have been having twitching/spasming under my left eye sporadically for the last week, so I googled and now I’m certain I’m having hemifacial spasms caused by nerve damage at the base of brain, so instead of going to a doctor, I’m just going to sit here and dump out a bunch of pictures I have been collecting on my phone.

Because that’s The Erin Way.

(I also thought I had botulism for a minute after reading about the gas station nacho cheese incident, even though I haven’t eaten gas station nacho cheese since, well, maybe ever.)

  1. Pictures of Town

First, here are some recent photos I’ve taken of Pittsburgh on my lunch breaks. SHOULD I START MY FAKE TOURISM SERIES AGAIN? And by series, I mean the two “walking tour” posts I did in 2015. (Here and here if you care! It’s like taking a virtual walk with me on my lunch break and like, who wouldn’t want that? As everyone in my department raises their hands.)

I took these pictures after I accidentally walked too far into the north side and almost didn’t make it back to work.

An alley. I walk through lots of them because I prefer the GRITTY SIDE OF LIFE, OK.

I mean, how tantalizing is this, right? Put me on the Pittsburgh Tourism Board already. (CHRIS, YOU CAN BE MY TOUR DIRECTOR!!)

2. #HenryHatesHipsters

Henry finally bought a water filter for the house. For a myriad of reasons, we needed one. So he was all proud of himself for bringing home a PUR filter all on his own because he knows if he leaves it up to me, he’ll come home one day to a strapping Amish hunk manning a freshly dug well in the backyard.

YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT YOU CAN FIND ON CRAIGSLIST.

Anyway, so he installs this water filter and is all smug and feeling like an exemplary provider, man about the house. But then later that night, one of my Facebook friends was all, “Hey guys, what is the best water filter out there?” and literally, no lie, every comment was “Berkey, Berkey, Berkey!” like it was the legit Marsha Brady of filtering systems.

I like to make Henry feel like shit as often as possible, so I went upstairs and woke him up SPECIFICALLY to tell him that “everyone” (like 15 people) said he bought the wrong filter.

Then I went back downstairs. Immediately, Henry started blowing up my phone:

img_2255-1

I have so many questions.

  • How did he know the comments I read were from hipsters?
  • Why does he care so much?
  • When will he learn the difference between there/their?

Anyway, I sent this to Chris who confirmed that she and Monica also have a PUR, so I told him and he was like, “I DON’T CARE I’M NOT MAD” as the steam from his nose drove me out of the bedroom.

WOW. Take a pill, Hank.

3. Great Parenting

I was one of those people who bitched and moaned when Instagram was usurped by Facebook and riddled with sponsored ads. But, ever the hypocrite, I have bought so much shit from those sponsored ads, ugh I hate myself.

One of those things is this shirt from Wicked Clothes, bought in a size for Chooch and me to share because he LOVES SHARING CLOTHES WITH HIS MOMMY.

img_2285

Hey remember when someone called child services on me for “being a goth” and taking pictures of Chooch in a cemetery with a creepy baby doll?

I don’t know why people call me an instigator.

4. Great Parenting, Part 2

My friend Jason is an editor at Alternative Press and when he saw the video of Chooch crowd-surfing at the Emarosa show, he emailed me to see if I’d be OK with AltPress doing a little feature of it for their website. We both agreed that it would be nice to read a heart-warming, fun piece in light of the Manchester tragedy, and that maybe it could serve as a reminder that life is still good, and fun.  Chooch said he didn’t care (“As long as they don’t call me Chooch!” he stressed, lol OK wait till you read the first line, sonny boy) and I was excited because if you know me, you know I’m always on a mission to give the bands I love attention. I thought maybe it could be good exposure for Emarosa.

So the next day, it was up on their site. They asked for a brief history of how Chooch and Bradley first met, so I also provided a picture of that, from the 2015 Warped Tour (which was already Chooch’s third Warped Tour! Homeboy gets around). It was pretty cool for me to see Chooch’s face on the website of a magazine I’ve been reading since the 90s, so I shared the link on Facebook and my friends were so supportive and excited, and some of them shared it too!

What I didn’t expect was the next day, when AltPress posted the link on their Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. It was liked and shared and Retweeted by Emarosa, Bradley, other bands, other magazines…which means, of course, comments. The ones I briefly glanced at on FB were all positive, although there was someone who criticized us for not putting sunscreen on Chooch two years ago, and I didn’t reply because who cares, but in our defense, he DID have sunscreen on that day, that’s his tanline, and we had just bought that tank top and put it on him halfway through Warped Tour because his other shirt was wet….BUT I’M NOT DEFENSIVE YOU’RE DEFENSIVE.

So you know, don’t read the comment sections because that’s where you encounter the GLENNS of the world.

But the majority of the comments I did see before I had to force myself to stop looking were all so wonderful toward Emarosa, how they’re good dudes doing good things, and that was my only hope — get people talking about Emarosa.

And then my friend Bridget said it inspired her to look them up, and that made me super happy!

It was pretty surreal though, because people I only know on Instagram were tagging me on AltPress’s IG post and sending me DMs like, “This came up on my feed and I was like, ‘That looks like Chooch—wait that IS Chooch!'” So that was really fun!

Team Emarosa for life. I want them to have it all! Huge stages in huge venues! WORLD TAKEOVER! BRADLEY FOR PRESIDENT! PUT A FOX ON THE AMERICAN FLAG!

img_2250

If you want to read the full article, go here!

(Perhaps “tossed” wasn’t the best word to use, but hey — journalism, amirite?)

(Also, Chooch is 11 not 10, but he had only been 11 for less than a month when this happened so I’ll let it slide. Mostly because I didn’t feel like emailing the web editor and telling her.)

5. 고양이 Scarf!

img_2269

That means CAT scarf, for all you dumb English-speakers. Cat is also one of the only Korean words I can remember how to spell in Hangul so I try to use it constantly. Good thing I’m a 고양이 lady.

That means CAT lady, you dum-dums.

(Sorry, learning Korean is hard and is making me mean on a daily basis now. Maybe that’s why I have hemi-facial twitching. LURNING IZ HAWRD.)

****

Should we end with a Kpop video? Fuck yeah, we should. Yesterday at work, Todd was all, “Who was that guy that G-Dragon was with sometimes?” and somehow I knew he meant Taeyang because this is my life now. So I sent him the video for Ringa Linga and that prompted a passionate discussion about how Kpop blends Korean and English lyrics together, so we were talking about that and what the reasons might be for it, which made me realize that I wouldn’t mind spending my days researching these things.

“I should be a Kpop historian!” I suddenly exclaimed, my life’s purpose finally realized.

“I mean, there probably aren’t many of those,” Todd said thoughtfully, and I took that as encouragement.

“….or any,” Glenn muttered bitterly, constantly being stuck in the crossfire of our daily Kpop discussion panel.

아싸! 좋다! (That basically means ‘oh yeah! it’s good!’ – G-DRAGON says that part in this song! I just taught you something from my limited bank of Korean vocabulary!)

May 122017
 

  • I’m sorry no one loved you, apple.
  • Well it happened – Wesley’s mom fed Chooch. He came home one day last week and said, “Things got really awkward at Wesley’s. His mom asked me if I wanted a grilled cheese…..I said sure.” Wow. Mega awkward.
  • Somehow at work yesterday, Glenn, Todd, and I fell down a tennis rabbit hole. I don’t remember how it began but I mistakenly told them about the translucent yellow vinyl folder I kept stuffed with newspaper articles about Andre Agassi and pictures I had crudely drawn of him. (Crude as in amateur and terrible, he didn’t have like, weeners coming out of his mouth or anything like that.) I hate when I give them fuel like this because I know it will come up in the future as a way to make fun of me. Ugh. And then I called Aranxia Sanchez-Vicarrio beefy and those two got all up in arms about how I was essentially just calling her fat like they’re suddenly sensitive to fat-shaming, and I frantically argued that I just meant she was muscular, so Glenn said, “Then just say muscular.” “Yeah, not beefy!” Todd chimed in with his Team Aranxia pin on. Whatever!
  • Lauren asked me if there are any vegetables I’ve been eating on my Korean diet that I’d like her to try and grow and I was like FUCK YEAH BELLFLOWER so she was like “ok what is that” and I was like “……” So we started googling it and I would like to take this time to accept all of the credit for the super informative things I have accidentally been teaching my coworkers. But seriously I’m obsessed with bellflower this week.
    • Also known as doraji in Korean. Get you some.

  • Speaking of Bring Some Home For Daddy, Amber read that blog post and told me that he once tried to hug her too! But her reflexes were less lethargic than mine and she was able to sidestep his malodorous embrace.
  • Tuesday was the annual Dreaded Finger Prick day at work, a/k/a Wellness Screening. I participate every year because it does something for your health insurance, I never actually read that far into it. Anyway, Glenn and Amber get great jollies out of heckling me every year because they know how I get the vapors just thinking of the impending trauma my fingertip is about to endure. I went up the 28th floor (which gives me anxiety in and of itself) and signed in while the lady at the table was trying to make conversation with me about my name (she was confusing  my name with Erin Andrews and I just let her roll with it because my jitters made it sound like she was talking to me from inside a fishbowl and I just wanted to sit down). There was a tiny triage area and I collapsed into a seat next to my co-worker, Lucas. “I’m FREAKING OUT, LUCAS!” I said in lieu of any sort of normal salutation. And then I made him talk to me until it was his turn to go and sit behind a curtain and I was ALL ALONE beneath a leaking thought-bubble of horrible finger pricking tragedies. A few minutes later, an older man in a lab coat named Ray came over and called me back. He immediately started wringing his hands and pretended to bite his nails in  spot-on mockery of my visible nerves. “Is it that obvious?” I laughed nervously. “Oh, you’ll be fine!” he insisted, seating me in a chair facing out the window. “Look, you can see Kennywood from here,” he said, gesturing toward the window. “REALLY?” I squealed, unable to contain my gullible delight. “No,” he said, unpacking the pint-sized torture device that was able to fuck my finger to hell and back. OH RAY, YOU FUCKING CARD. His strategy worked though because he made me talk about my favorite Kennywood rides, and he asked me if I like Potato Patch fries (le duh), and it totally distracted me from the blood being pillaged from my finger.
    • J/K I totally noticed it and it hurt like a motherfucker.
    • Still, Ray was an absolute delight and the scale said I weighed three pounds less than my scale at home said that morning and all of my cholesterol-y numbers were great – and again, I say Thank You, Korea. You are changing my life in the best ways!
      • Glenn went up for the Perforation of Ye Olde Phalange and ended up getting Ray too! He claims they traded war stories about me, and Glenn told him at least he doesn’t have to sit behind me all day. :( Then Catherine went up and specifically asked for him when I told her that I weighed three pounds less on his scale, but then everyone kept getting called back before her because the lady at the table kept saying, “She’s waiting for Ray” so then finally Catherine was like FORGET RAY I JUST WANT TO GET THIS OVER WITH so she went back with some lady who, it turned out, was sharing the same scale with Ray so Catherine was happy.

img_1751

Finally, something about me is highly desirable! That sexy 2.8, boyyyyy.

  • KCON tickets went on sale today and everyone was counting down with me at work and by everyone I mean that Glenn was counting down for when Ticketmaster was going to make the tickets available and he could go back to listening to his political commentary in peace without me turning around every 30 seconds to let him know where we were in the countdown. (Todd planned his lunch break accordingly and was not in the office when this was happening.) Anyway, I got my KCON tickets! Henry is thrilled. I’M GOING TO SEE TWICE, YOU GUYS! AND G-FRIEND AND CN BLUE AND HIGHLIGHT AND ZION-T AND I’M GOING TO BE AROUND PEOPLE WHO WON’T MAKE FUN OF ME FOR LIKING THIS STUFF!
    • I think I got made fun of enough at the baby shower on Sunday to last for quite some time.  I know making fun of things you don’t understand or like is so cool, but let’s take a break, lol.
  • Chooch and I went to the grocery store with Henry last Saturday, much to his chagrin. We decided to help him at the self checkout, in spite of his cries of “NO PLZ DON’T NO, OH GOD—” and then proceeded to set off the Needs Assistance alarm three times.

  • I couldn’t find the black cardigan I usually wear with this shirt so I thought, “WWG-DW?”* and then when there wasn’t a $15,000 Chanel hot pink feathered blazer in my closet, I opted for this ballet shrug that’s been chilling in my dresser since 2000, never worn. I bought it at Express for probably $50 more than it’s worth. #bringingballetshrugsback *(What Would G-Dragon Wear)
  • Chooch has a date for a dance next week. o.O I don’t have it in me to say anything else about that right now. :(

  • I was working on my Korean studies last weekend and made it to the have/not have chapter and one of the answers was a name of a BIGBANG song! I already know this word of course, but it was so exciting to learn WHY it’s written this way. (The BIGBANG song is missing that last character up there, because their song title is informal Korean / banmal.)
  • Henry’s bringing approximately 4 weeks of laundry into the house (Chooch and I have a lot of clothes) while a bunch of teenagers are walking by so I yelled, “HENRY ASK THEM TO HELP YOU” and now he’s all embarrassed/angry/exasperated.
  • I just asked Henry if he’s going to freak out when Twice sings “TT” at KCON and he said, “No. Why would I?” Then I told him that I feel like I’m going to act extra-erin at KCON, like I think I might go super hard, dummy-style all up in the Prudential Center. Kpop makes me super hyper and giddy. 
  • Chooch texted me today when I was at work to tell me that he got straight As. So, I got KCON tickets.

That’s all for me. We’re going to Cleveland tomorrow to see Emarosa and eat food with our pal Jason so maybe I’ll liveblog / post pictures of Henry once an hour. READ IT OR DON’T.

May 042017
 

Plus random pictures. Bulletpoint posts: the true compost piles of blogging. We’ll start with a random picture of a thing in my house and go from there.

  • The other day, Chooch asked, “Remember your apple tattoo? Do you still have it?” Um you mean the one that takes up most of my upper right arm? Yes, it’s still there, son.
  • In order to get Chooch out of the house so that we could surprise him last Saturday, we arranged for Blake and Haley to take him to the gaming place on the Boulevard. I think this place is so dumb – just a room filled with TVs and computers where parents can abandon their children for hours on end, but Chooch and all his weird little friends love this place. Needless to say, Chooch has become chummy (lol, who even uses that word other than me, right now) with the guys who run the place, so Henry stopped up ahead of time and let them know the sitch. Basically, he started a tab which I didn’t even know you could do. He went back the next day to pay it, and Ed told him the total was like $43 or something. Henry was all, “OMG for what?!” So Ed showed him the long list of all of the snacks that Chooch had “purchased” in addition to the hourly rate ($5 a person – Ed is like the cheapest babysitter in town). So Henry came home and was like, “Chooch, the FUCK!?” at which point Chooch blamed Haley, and then Blake blamed Chooch, and this is just the funniest thing ever to me because Henry was so pained over it, haha.
    • When we went to visit Robbie & Nikki at the hospital after the twins were born, Chooch was all, “Robbie, do you want to go to the gaming place with me today?” Like yeah, little bro, I literally just became a dad but let me ditch the fam and sit in front of a computer for 5 hours with you.
  • Chooch is friends with these two younger kids that live on the street, and for the sake of not getting in trouble with parents, we’ll just call them J and M. Really though I’m not going to be dragging them through the mud or anything…this time. Anyway, J & M are friends with some kid from their grade named Wesley. I don’t know if he’s new or what but I haven’t heard shit about any Wesley until recently and now HE IS ALL I HEAR ABOUT. Let’s back up. Wesley lives a few streets away and I guess M & J aren’t allowed to go there alone, so they asked Super Brave and Responsible Fifth Grade Chooch to go with them one day. This was about a month ago, I guess. Chooch was reluctant, because he was already hanging out with TWO younger kids, why did he need to add a third to the crew, you know? But he went anyway, and by the time he came home he had been sufficiently infected with the Wesley Bug. “Wesley has TWO TRAMPOLINES,” he said, ruddy cheeks and out of breath from running all the way home in excitement. “AND A POODLE NAMED BELLA, A REALLY COOL OLDER BROTHER NAMED WADE, AND A MOM WHO COOKS!” So it’s been all Wesley, all the time ever since and I am like, “STFU ABOUT WESLEY AND HIS DUMB COOKING MOTHER ALREADY, GOD.” And then he started going to Wesley’s without J & M. “Wesley likes me better than them, anyway,” Chooch said all cockily the other day. “And he doesn’t act like he’s 8. He’s more mature than them.” Oh for God’s sake. So this has been going on for weeks now, this Wesley Mania. Monday night, he had JUST walked into the house after returning from Wesley’s when his phone rang. He answered it and put it on speaker which I absolutely hate, and without any salutation whatsoever, J’s whiny voice blasted through the speaker: “So you went to Wesley’s.” WOW. OK, POSSESSIVE. So Chooch hung up on him immediately and said, “Ugh, I thought I blocked him.” So then they had a text-fight, which had Chooch defending himself like a wife who can’t be trusted: “Oh, so now I need your permission to go to Wesley’s?” he texted, and the feud culminated with J texting: “Do you want to come over?” Ugh kids.
    • But really though: Wesley and Wade?

  • We took Henry’s mom to Bob Evans (I originally typed Bob’s Evan. Someone send my brain to the beach please) for her birthday the other night. On the way out, she picked up a jar out of a barrel and asked, “How much sodium do you think is in this?” Henry squinted at it and said, “Mom, that’s a candle.” We all had a good laugh, but then a few moments later, in the parking lot, she asked earnestly, “No but really, what’s worse – a lot of sodium, or a lot of salt?”
  • I’ve been taking turmeric supplement things for the last month or so, after several people recommended it. At first, Henry was like, “I AM NOT BUYING THIS, THAT’S DUMB” but then his mom randomly mentioned one day that she’s been taking turmeric because some talk show or Steve Harvey told her too, so now suddenly it’s not some witch doctor bullshit drug that can’t be trusted, so he bought me a bottle.  Today, after choking back my daily dose, I held the bottle up and said to Glenn, “I don’t feel any different at all.” He asked how long I had been taking them and I told him a month or so but admitted that there were days that I forgot, of course. “Well, what’s it supposed to do?” he asked, so I read the thing about helping with inflammation that’s all big and bold on the bottle. “But, I’m not particularly inflamed, though,” I said with a shrug, realizing that perhaps I didn’t need turmeric’s help after all. “No, you’re just inflaming,” Glenn muttered.
  • I CANT BELIEVE I AM GOING TO BE UNDER THE SAME ROOF AS G-DRAGON.
  • Todd lost his ID badge (literally days after saving it from falling into a sewer grate which I just think is the funniest thing ever) so he asked me to go with him to Reception so he could get a temporary one. Look – I get it. I hate going to other floors alone too. Our department doesn’t really mingle much with other floors. Anyway, the receptionist asked me, “Do you need one too, or are you guys just traveling together?” For some reason, this made me laugh, because I started picturing us backpacking throughout the law firm.
    • “I don’t see you lasting very long as a backpacker,” Glenn said when I told him about this the next day. (LOOK, IT FELT LIKE A GREAT STORY AT THE TIME OK.) “Yeah I know. My backpack would just be filled with junk,” I said in total agreement.
      • Interestingly, this was the second time that day I found myself in a conversation about backpacks. The first was earlier that morning when I told Lauren that my high school backpack was full of toys. She wasn’t surprised.

  • One of my co-workers is grooming me to take over editing our department’s Wiki page after she retires. I don’t want to make it sound like it’s a big deal but it’s a big deal ok. Anyway, she was off several days last week so I thought it would be fun to replace the WELCOME SPRING picture with a picture of my horrible candy bowl, with the caption “Come get some.” It lasted two days before Cheryl came back and replaced it. My group had our weekly meeting on Monday and My Favorite Work Friend Amber (and this has nothing to do with the fact that she has the ability to deny my PTO requests now) thanked me for revamping our group’s reference page, which launched me on a crybaby tangent about how apparently I can be given rights to edit all this shit but god forbid I should ever change the picture. “Cheryl took down my pumpkin and replaced it with some dumb, generic tree,” I whined. The next day, I found out from Glenn that the “dumb, generic” tree picture was Gayle’s and I know this because he forwarded me an email from her that said “That dumb generic tree picture is mine.”  OOPS SORRY GAYLE but this is very funny to me now! I told Henry and when I couldn’t stop laughing, he was like, “how do you have any friends at work?” Apparently Lauren knew this also and said she didn’t have a chance to kick me before I went any deeper into my freshly dug grave.
  • Sometime after buying MY G-DRAGON TICKETS on Tuesday, I was walking back from the kitchen when Amber, who was ahead of me, stopped and asked if Henry and I booked a hotel yet for the show. “No, but I’d sleep on someone’s floor if I had to, I don’t even care!” I said, still riding that high of snagging VIP tickets. “What if you slept on G-DRAGON’s floor?” Amber goaded, and then I got all dreamy-eyed and weird and yelled, “Ugh, why did you have to say that now I can’t stop thinking about G-Dragon’s floor!” and this was right as we rounded the corner to where our desks are, so Glenn heard the tail-end. “How long do we have to hear about this?” he asked in annoyance. “She started it!” I cried, pointing at Amber. “I was just walking along quietly and she brought it up!” UGH.
  • The other day, I popped into CVS on my break and the old lady at he register flipped out over my phone case and started calling her co-workers over to see it. The manager, a youngish guy somewhere in his 20s I guess, asked my permission  to Snapchat it and I was like, “Go for it?” I’ve had it for over a year so it’s a bit worn, but here it is:

  • Speaking of my phone, I actually left it on my desk when I left yesterday and had to come back up to get it. Lori was like HOW. I’m mean really, this case makes my phone 3x bigger it feels like yet I still somehow left without it
  • Remember when I wasted 7 years of my life obsessing over Jonny Craig, completely unaware that G-Dragon was only 6,781 miles away? LE SIGH.
  • The other day, Chooch came home (from Wesley’s, ugh) and his hand was bleeding but he didn’t know why. While Henry was calmly asking him questions (such as “did you fall”), I was busy screaming, “STIGMATA!”
  • Todd just sadly admitted that some of this Kpop stuff is sticking with him and that if he mentioned it to any of his friends they’d be like, “…………..”
  • I’m really excited for Henry to stand in the pit at this G-Dragon show and wave a light stick.  “He should just use a lighter. Maybe there’s an open flame rule and he can get kicked out. Tell him to start planning ahead,” Glenn suggested after I showed him pictures of what light sticks are in the Kpop world.

  • OMG you guys! Last night, Chooch and I went for a walk to the boulevard when guess who we ran into?! DAVID FUCKERBITCH. Chooch was like, “Oh god no, please don’t, oh god” but it was too late – I had whipped out my best glare and wouldn’t let him out of my sight. He was on his bike with some other hooligan, and he kept trying to get Chooch’s attention but Chooch was all, “NOT TODAY. NOT WITH MY MOM. SHE’S A LOOSE CANNON” so he pulled me into CVS and away from conflict, but not before I loudly said, “THEY LOOK LIKE HOOLIGANS” which is clearly my favorite word to use in this situation. Chooch just rolled his eyes and we moved on with our lives, until after CVS when we continued down the boulevard to go to Scoops, and DAVID LOSERVILLE was back, tooling around on his bike in front of the Las Palmas taco cart. We were waiting to cross the street when he wheeled on over to us, licking his FunDip or whatever dumb candy he had that was turning his vulgar tongue blue. He just sat there, leaning on the handlebars of his bike, staring and smiling at Chooch, trying to get a  reaction from her. “Is there a problem?” I asked, causing Chooch to groan. “No, I’m just going to stare at him until he looks at me,” David Toothrot replied in an obnoxiously sing-song voice. “AWKWARD,” I said, as the light turned and we were finally able to cross the street. “YOU JUST MADE IT WORSE,” Chooch spat. “As if it’s not already bad enough that I’m walking down the boulevard WITH MY MOM.” OMG ew, shut your face, Chooch! I’m way cooler than a mom. And besides, we were going to get ice cream while David BrokedownBike was out there, I don’t know, panhandling or whatever it was he was doing. It was 8:30 at night – GO HOME KID.
    • By the time we got home, I was so amped up over this run-in. I excitedly filled in Henry, who just frowned and said, “Wow Erin, that’s great. Are you happy now?” WHY YES, I AM.
    • I came to work and told Glenn and Todd, and they were just like, “Wow. Way to bully a fifth grader.” Then Todd said I should create a fake Instagram, like I’m a kid, so I can bully him and I was like, “THAT’S A GREAT IDEA I COULD CATFISH HIM TOO” and Todd quickly said, “I WAS KIDDING DON’T DO THAT!” while Glenn was like, I don’t know, beating his head off the desk.
  • I decided a few hours ago that I was going to be nice to Wendy today but then just now I told her she’s dumb, so maybe I’ll try again tomorrow. It should be easy since she won’t be here.

And we’ll end on a beautiful G-Dragon note because I’M GOING TO SEE HIM ON BIRTHDAY.