Sep 162018
 

Here I am, up before 8am on a Sunday because kpop gossip has me shook, and as I’m sitting here with my coffee in a quiet house, I’m briefly reminded of a time when writing/blogging was my everything and I would proofread that shit 8x over before hitting “publish” and now, I write things in pieces from my phone while commuting, on the laptop at home with a million things happening around me, or during extremely rare lulls at work. And I never read it over. I post and walk away, and I’m sorry for being blog-sloppy. But looking back on how obsessed I used to be with writing the perfect posts makes me feel residual stress and I can’t say I really miss that “perfect post” and “comment-obsessed” part of my life – leaving Facebook also really helped cure that. I still really enjoy blogging, for myself, but it’s just don’t have the time that I really need for it anymore. This isn’t a goodbye post! I’m too sentimental and obsessed with my mortality to ever stop jotting down things I want to remember and if I rely on a paper journal, my hand gets tired so I start skipping lots of details, but it’s more of an explanation that I feel I need to make several times a year and the quiet of this Sunday morning reminded me of that.

(Also, I’m not really a moron: I just type too fast and accidentally skip words! I’m pretty sure every one of my blog posts is missing a word or 8.)

While I have some coffee to sip and time to kill, here are some things of interest!

  • Last weekend, I had the itch to clean out the bathroom closet because it was turning into a hazard zone, where an avalanche of Q-tips and rolls of toilet paper was only a matter of time. It felt great to throw out 3/4 of that closet’s contents, including gaudy makeup made by a crazy lady that I will never put anywhere near my eyes again, crusty cleansers, expired products, you know the drill. Tucked way back in the closet, I found several makeup bags and other container-things that had a bunch of jewelry in it that I didn’t even know I was missing, like this adorbs two-finger ring I bought years ago at the Mattress Factory when I was kind of poor and Henry was annoyed that I paid $40 for a ring in a museum gift shop but I was like, “I WILL WEAR THIS RING EVERY DAY!” and then probably only wore it once because my fingers were fatter then and I vaguely remember it being uncomfortable. But it fits fine now so I wore it twice last week and it only got in the way of my life approx. 87 times. Also, ignore my shitty polish – we already established on here recently that I paint my nails in near-darkness. A TRUE READER OF OH HONESTLY ERIN WOULD KNOW THAT. lol.

  • Shit guys, the past few days have been rife with drama in Kpop World. I mentioned on one of my last Kpop Valentine updates that there was a ton of controversary surrounding Hyuna and E’Dawn, who had the balls to come forward and confirm that they were dating and had been hiding it for 2 years because they’re on the same agency, and not only that but they even have a side project together, and that side project (Triple H, not to be confused with the wrestler who comes up every time I  google it) was actually in the middle of promotions for their comeback (which was SO GOOD) so that got halted immediately which was awful. Meanwhile, E’Dawn is a pivotal member of the 10-member group Pentagon, who you may know I love a lot. They had a fan engagement and also KCON LA coming up, and he was asked to sit those out. Then, last week, they made their comeback with a new mini-album, of which he was part of the creative process, but he’s not in the video and again was not part of promotions. Then on Wednesday, right before I went to bed, I saw the news that Hyuna and E’Dawn were kicked out of Cube, and it got even worse as more news came out because it turns out that they found out the same way everyone else did – through the news. Cube’s stock dropped immediately and international fans were fuming, but the Korean fans were happy and felt that the couple deserved to be punished for what they’ve “done” (not just hiding the fact that they were dating, but actually having the audacity to be in love like normal human beings). The last I heard, Cube back-tracked and said that they weren’t kicked out, that they’re still “talking” but this morning my friend sent me an article saying that there are rumors that Hyuna is leaving on her own and has already joined Jay Park’s label and that would be so amazing, but I worry about what will happen to E’Dawn  and Pentagon. I of course want to boycott Cube, but that in turn hurts the other artists who I want to support, so it’s a really frustrating position. And Hyuna literally carried that fucking company on her back for like 11 years – she’s one of the biggest female artists in Korea, totally controversial, and just a true gem that any agency would be lucky to have. This could have been Cube’s opportunity to break the stigma and publicly support the two and encourage the fans to do the same, but they blew it.  Anyway, this news was so big that it even made the NY Times.
    • Pentagon’s new song is so good though and it kills me that E’Dawn (and Yanan who is sitting out due to health reasons) isn’t a part of it. Please watch this video and support these boys. They write their own stuff and deserve recognition. And before you make fun of the song, the frog concept is based off of a Korean parable and is actually very intelligently incorporated into the song which is about rebelling against social norms and expectations from the elders.)

  • I know you’ve been sitting on the edge of your seat, wondering how the cats are enjoying their cat tower, and I’m here to tell you that it’s their fucking jam. Penelope never bothered with the old one we had, so we didn’t expect that she would care about this one either, but after a few weeks, so slowly acclimated herself to it and Drew is less than pleased but I’m like, “Guys, this thing is big enough for 6 cats, deal with it.” They fight on it at least once a day and it’s a great spectator sport for the rest of us. I still think it’s funny that my original four cats never gave a shit about any of the toys/towers/beds that I bought for them, but these two are materialistic AF. It’s that generation, I guess!
  • Speaking of That Generation, I had breakfast with Kara on Friday (at Parker’s and Parker himself came over and talked to us and I was internally giddying the fuck out) and we spent a large portion of  the morning bitching about Fortnite and how it’s ruining our lives and that made me feel less of a failure as a parent knowing that she is going through the same shit with her boys too. Fuck Fortnite.
    • Additionally, Kara told me that I’m the longest friend she’s had aside from high school friends, and I started thinking about that and I think it’s true for me too! 13 consistent years! It helps that Kara isn’t a possessive/crazy/SWF/compulsive liar, too. Because man, do I attract those types, like the ones who read my entire blog after knowing me for a month and then throw me an elaborate surprise party utilizing everything they learned about me from said blog, only to send me 18 paragraphs via text 2 months later about why they don’t want to be my friend anymore which can be summarized into one sentence: YOU DON’T PAY ENOUGH ATTENTION TO ME, WAH. (I have none of these people in my life right now so this isn’t the equivalent of me sub-tweeting, I swear!)
      • One of the reasons was literally, “We only listen to YOUR music in the car.” Well, when you make me drive everywhere, yeah, them’s the breaks.
    • I need to make more of an effort hanging out with my friends. This has been whatever the opposite of “banner year” is for my mental condition.

  • Hey, speaking of cleaning out closets, I was rooting through this Tupperwear bin in my closet the other night because I was on a roll talking to Chooch about my old penpal days and I thought this was the container that had some of my old penpalling relics, like my address labels that I mostly had created specifically to include in FBs (friendship books, high fives to my peeps who remember those) but instead it was just filled with senior pictures from people I only moderately talked to in high school, plus some really old pictures like this one which kills me because I still do this same pose when I want something and even Barb confirmed it on Instagram.
    • I also found a poem from my deathrow penpal so I handed it to Chooch who immediately started reading it out loud and it turned out to be A SEX POEM so I had to snatch it from him. Advice to parents: proofread stuff from your deathrow penpals before letting your kids see it!
    • But I also found this signed headshot of one Clive Pearse who I had become obsessed with briefly while on vacation with Sharon and my grandparents in the early 90s because I watched his show in our hotel room in England and if you think I’m bad now with being obsessed with things you should have seen me back then. I guess I wrote to him and asked for a picture and I actually one back, because that’s how shit worked back then and then it made me think about that Santa Claus museum we just went to last month and how there was a wall lined with framed autographed headshots that some local Santa Claus, Indiana had collected in the 80s and wow, that could have been me. I started cracking up when I found this and tried to explain it to Chooch who was anything but impressed (he’d rather pretend that I didn’t exist until he was born). Apparently, Clive has found success on HGTV since his Super Channel days. (God only knows why I was obsessed with him.)

 

  • It’s still in the 80s here in Pittsburgh but I am so ready for haunted house season. Several are already open, but I think it’s too early! I need more leaves on the ground first. And this is the first time in several years that we don’t have the annual pie party weighing us down (I said NO this year and it feels like a weight was lifted! That damn party was more stress than it was worth) so I feel like I can commit 100% to an All Things Halloween October for once. Henry has one foot on board the Knoebel’s train so I just have to keep batting my eyes and being semi-nice until he agrees to take us. Knoebel’s is a really cute amusement park in….somewhere else in Pennsylvania that’s not Pittsburgh. It takes like 4 or 5 hours to get there, so wherever that is. Anyway, they’re open on weekends in October and we went once several years ago, and I have FOND MEMORIES of it, OK? It’s also the home to two great dark rides and one of my favorite wooden coasters, The Phoenix, which actually JUST WON the 2018 Golden Ticket award for best wooden coaster (Holiday World was on there for cleanest park and best water park ride, and Kennywood won for best dark ride for Noah’s Ark). So, root for me in the fight for Knoebels, you guys!
  • Henry and I are currently knee-deep in two k-dramas: 30 But 17, and My ID is Gangnam Beauty. I started both without him but then he got sucked in even after missing the first episodes so now I’m not allowed to watch them without him, which is annoying but also adorable. Last night, I took this secret picture of Henry watching My ID is Gangnam Beauty, because he’s smiling and it’s so freaking funny to me how engrossed he gets in these things, but they really are addicting you guys. When I first started getting into Kpop, I was like, “OK, but I’m just into Kpop and nothing else” and then I got sucked into variety shows so then it became, “OK, but I’m not going to start watching dramas, that just doesn’t appeal to me” but then I started watching Boys Over Flowers and here we are: 80+ Korean actors followed on Instagram, one DramaFever subscription, zero American TV shows watched later.

Well, my people are up and about now so we’re back to Distraction City over here. Shall we end this with two pictures of the cats? YES, I THINK WE SHALL.

Well, I’m off to lint-roll the porch chairs. ANNYEONG CHINGU.

Aug 312018
 

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This week felt like it was never going to end, OMG, I’m the first person ever to feel that way, I know. But now it’s Friday, I wore jeans to work, I had a seat to myself on the trolley – life’s alright. Here are five things that have been going on in my “alright” life, and none of them involve amusement parks but DON”T WORRY – I went to Kennywood on Sunday so that post will be coming up soon, hahahahahalolololugh.

  1. Gifts from Gayle

It’s hard to believe that we already passed the one year mark since Gayle left The Law Firm but we all still talk about how we miss her. Me especially because she always brought me tokens of appreciation and it was clear she idol-worshiped me (right Gayle? Don’t deny it). Anyway, several co-workers saw her last week, and she gave them this blingin’ frog ring to bring back to me! (Please ignore my shitty nail polish job. It’s always so dark in our dumb house because Henry won’t put on his electrician belt and install an actual ceiling light in our living room so we have two swag lamps and one stupid floor lamp that is 90% useless so I’m painting my nails in the near-dark with eyes that don’t see well to begin with and wow I just typed a lot of words about my nails and the lighting issues in our house, I’m just that  kind of blogger, should I put ads on my site now too?)

People at work were a mixture of jealous and vomitous because let’s just say some people here don’t like it when I’m favored, haha.

2. Polenta & Envelopes

As a belated birthday thing, I went out to dinner last Saturday with Barb, Jeannie, Wendy and Summer. I let Twitter choose where we were going to go and my friend Lindsay recommended Girasole which is Italian so I figured that would be a safe bet for a collection of varying palates. I was excited because polenta was an option and if you are a LONG TIME READER you might remember when polenta and I went through an intense heavy-petting stage back in, oh, 2007 or 2008. I can’t remember how it started (maybe I should become a long time reader and find out) but Henry was churning out all kinds of polenta-y goodness for me and my co-workers (different job then) were like, “When will it end.”

So I ordered the polenta and, well, I was underwhelmed. I mean, it was delicious! But it wasn’t “writing home from my birthday dinner” levels of amaze, if you know what I mean. In fact, it tasted pretty much like the polenta Henry used to make, but when I told him that, he was like, “Wow,” because the way I said it made it sound like I was disappointed because it tasted like he cooked my dinner and not like I was complimenting him for cooking a dish on the same levels as some super-beloved Italian spot.

I think I just had order-remorse because Wendy and Barb both got pasta dishes that looked so great and Jeannie had a fish special which made me crave seafood, but whatever, I also had a peach bellini and a slice of fucking fantastic lemon cake so that made up for it.

Meanwhile, during dinner, the subject of my cards came up because I gave Summer one of my Hello Hanguk business cards so that the beautiful kpop idols on it could keep her distracted because that’s just what every 3-year-old wants to do, be stuck at a restaurant with her mom’s dumb friends. Barb said, “I think it’s so funny that you’re just now starting to offer envelopes with your cards” and I was like, “OMG that’s just a joke, I’ve always offered envelopes!” and now I’m wondering if other people think the same thing?!

The reason I put such faux-emphasis on the envelope portion of my Etsy listings is because when I first selling cards, I never mentioned that they came with an envelope because I felt that it was implied, but then I got several inquiries, like, “Does this card come with envelope or nah?” and it just became a schtick after that, purely for my own benefit of course. For example, “This educational card comes with an envelope, because the last time I tried to mail something in an eggshell, it never made it.” And on my Patty Hearst card: “Comes with an envelope that can be fashioned into a beret with some intermediate Origami skill and an unruly imagination.” It’s honestly my favorite part about creating Etsy listings!

3. Poor Lidding

Yesterday, when I was walking into work, I noticed that I had a wet spot on the thigh of my jeans, and then once I got to my desk, I realized it was because THE FOOD HENRY GAVE ME WAS LEAKING INSIDE MY WORK BAG!!!! I put the plastic bag down on my desk and pool of broth immediately formed, so then I had to cautiously carry the bag into the kitchen, drop it in the kitchen sink, and rinse all the containers off I WAS SO ANGRY! Goddamn you, Henry! Luckily, my container of watermelon was unscathed, but the culprit was the ramen he made me before I left for work so now there was no broth left and that’s when I realized that this happened because HE PUT THE WRONG LID ON IT! How did he make a mistake like this when he is supposed to be such a great house wife?! Oh, I was ranting and raving about this to everyone within earshot.

“I just had a lid situation the other day!” Margie the new-ish admin person said, trying to make me feel better I guess because my fragility is no secret around the office. “But I had no one to blame but myself.”

“Yeahhhhh,” I said thoughtfully. “That’s why I don’t do anything myself.”

And Margie laughed but Lauren, who was sitting behind her, knew it was true.

Also, my banana was in that fucking bag and I thought it was OK but halfway through it, I hit a spot where the broth had seeped through the peel and look, I love gochujang A LOT (so much that I screamed WHAT!?!?!?!?!? when Henry told me that we were out of it when he served me my gochujang-less dinner tonight; I think this is the first time we’re been out of the ‘jang since 2016!?) but apparently not on a banana. FUCK.

4. Emarosa, boy-ohs.

Emarosa’s back, baybays! Their new album hasn’t been released yet but they’re hitting the road this November and I’m so happy because it’s been a year since I saw them last which seems like a normal amount of time but not when we were spoiled with multiple Emarosa shows a year from 2015-2017! Anyway, tickets went on sale today and we got some and it’s kind of weird to be excited about western for a minute!

Conversely, a time recently when I was NOT excited about western music was the other day when I came home from work and suddenly our TV kicked over to YouTube and a fucking NICKELBACK VIDEO started playing. Henry was like, “It has to be Chooch” but he wasn’t home so were like WHY IS THIS HAPPENING but I knew it had to be him because he’s the ultimate troll of the household (OK I’m pretty good at it too). Later on, he strolled through the front door and casually said, “Did I hear Nickelback playing over here earlier?!” Turns out that little fucker was next door at Blake’s so he was within range of being able to control the TV and I hate him.

5. FBI Has Your Unabomber Card

That’s what the subject line of an email said the other night and I started panicking like OMG am I going to jail???

Image result for bts scared gif

But then I realized it was an email from my friend Kristen who has a friend who bought serial killer cards from me in the past and had her neighbors over for dinner one night. The neighbors work for the FBI so the topic of serial killers came up and she showed them my cards AND TURNS OUT one of them worked on the Unabomber case back in the day and loved my Unabomber card and asked to keep it!

I was telling Aaron about this at work today and he was like, “So what you’re saying is that you’re on a federal watch list now. It was nice knowing you!” and I laughed but then I went back to my desk and texted Henry, “OMG AM I GOING TO BE ON A FEDERAL WATCH LIST NOW” and he was like, “…………probably not?”

But still, what a strange and funny story! Thank you for sharing, K!

Anyway, here’s a link to that card if you want one!

Aug 172018
 

At some point today we will be in Indiana, and I promised to do part of the driving so I won’t be able to liveblog. So instead, I guess have a Friday Five featuring things I’m currently into or thoughts that are glomming onto my brain. It’s a Friday free-for-all.

1. Jonghyun Pins & Making Friends

I saw this Jonghyun tribute pin a few weeks on Instagram and immediately bought one. In some small way, it makes me feel comforted to have it, you know? Anyway, I noted that the seller is also from Pittsburgh so I got really excited and messaged her that I am also from Pittsburgh, hoping that she would read the invisible words that trailed after which said in desperate font PLEASE BE MY FRIEND. She did not pick up on this though and simply replied with, “haha small world! Enjoy the pin!” So I was like HENRY WHAT SHOULD I DO because my social skills are about as dried up as the remnants of my dead plants that I still haven’t thrown away. Henry of course was no help because he doesn’t care about making friends so I waited a few days and messaged her again with a hopefully-not-psycho-sounding suggestion of meeting up for coffee & Kpop talk sometime and she was like “Cool! I’m actually leaving to go back to college soon but I’ll let you know when I’m back in town again” and I don’t know why I’m surprised that she is probably nearly 20 years younger than me, sigh.

But then, while I think about how nice it would be to have a friend here in the city who shares my interests, does it really matter all THAT much? I like all my friends here whether they like the same shit as me or not. And I think it’s kind of cool that all of my friends are so different from me when it comes to interests and hobbies.

2. The new Hands Like Houses single

I can’t tell you how many alerts I get about new music from bands I used to love, and I’m like “I’ll check that out later” and do I?! NO! Just like when friends are like “You should watch [insert American Tv show]” and do I? NO! Because I have reached a point where I almost despise hearing the English language, how messed up is that?! I made it through one episode of Sharp Objects and it was fine but I never went back because it felt strange to not be reading subtitles or hearing that certain Korean dialect that has become more familiar to me than my own language. Anyway, my point is, when I saw Hands Like Houses had a new video, I actually did watch it right away and, not surprisingly, I loved it because I have loved everything that HLH has ever done. Some of the reasons I love them is because:

  • They sound like no other band
  • Trenton manages to keep his Australian accent while singing and I LOVE that
  • They’re from Canberra which is where I went to see the Cure for the first time!
  • One of the guys in the band bears such a strong resemblance to a young Tim Curry and has always looked so overcome with joy every time I’ve seen him on stage and it just makes me so happy!
  • They’re coming back to the US this fall for a tour with EMAROSA and I want to go but the closest city is Philly and I’m not sure Henry will go for it but I have like two mths to beg for my life so we’ll see. Anyway, here is their new video, I HOPE YOU LIKE IT. I helped film it, clearly.
  • https://youtu.be/BUp03PaFIkU

    3. Cats Are Movin’ On Up

    Remember sometime last winter when Chooch constructed a shoddy cat condo out of a bunch of cardboard boxes? And we had to beg Henry not to throw it away every Garbage Day? Well, that thing was so busted after awhile that even I was starting to turn against it. And then, the actual cat tower we had BROKE which really isn’t that shocking because it was nearly 20 years old. I bought it for my Original 4 Cats when I was going on the aforementioned Canberra, Australia trip because I was trying to make them less sad that I was leaving (they didn’t care at all in reality) so it ended up just sitting in the basement for years until we got Drew and Penelope and wondered if they would use it. Drew ended up loving it! Penelope notsomuch. So when it broke two weeks ago, Drew was like WHY DO YOU HATE ME.

    I talked Henry into buying this fancy cat tower from Chewy and he did but ONLY because he had a coupon for it, he is such a tightwad. When it was delivered last week, Chooch and I begged Henry to assemble it straight away and he was like DO YOU NOT WANT DINNER THEN and I was like OH LOL I MEANT AFTER YOU MAKE DINNER.

    At first, Drew was hesitant but now she is like “I can’t believe you guys had me loafing in that cat shanty when this palace was out there all along.”

    Even Penelope plays on it! (though it’s harder for her to get on it since she is a jumping dunce).

    And made a special Jimin VIP room! Henry was like WHY IS JIMIN IN THERE because he has no imagination and doesn’t believe in cat tower interior design. Cool. Cool cool cool, Henry.

    (Hive five to anyone who read that in Melissa Joan Hart’s voice. CLARISSA EXPLAINS IT ALL VIBES!)

    4. Pittsburgh Jesus

    A few months ago, I was walking past the Steel Plaza trolley entrance when I looked over and I swear to god I saw Jesus Christ himself emerging from the little park area next to it. He was illuminated by rays of sunlight, even. This was Jesus, for sure, and not even the emblazoned-on-a-grilled-cheese version.

    But then my eyes adjusted to the blinding light and I realized it was just a homeless guy.

    I suppose this is something I could have sent a Greetings from Erin’s Lunch Break about but the truth is that I haven’t SENT A SINGLE ONE because I lost all motivation and also because I spend almost all of my lunch breaks on the phone with my therapist (lol, his name is Henry) because I am a crazy person who needs help and Henry lets me yell.

    Anyway! I saw him again one time when I was leaving work after one of my late shifts and as I got in the car I hoarsely whispered to Henry, “There he is! The guy I thought was Jesus!” and Henry was like, “….that fat black guy?”

    Ugh no behind him!

    Luckily, I saw him again the other day and had the perfect opportunity to snap a pic because he was just casually standing on the steps right by my building.

    Honestly, I felt blessed.(FRIDAY FIVE INTERLUDE: We just left Loving Hut somewhere outside of Columbus and we are ragging on Henry to the point where Chooch just barfed up a mouthful of Strawberry Smoothie To Go and I just screamed because Pawn Shop is closed and I had fake-convinced myself that I wanted to stop there after we ate, and Henry just called us assholes.)

    5. COCO where’d you GOGO

    Hey guys Chooch and I helped a guy find his lost dog while we were on our nightly neighborhood walk the other night. Just another day being hometown heroes, no biggie.

    We first saw Coco leering back at us from the end of the sidewalk we were walking down. I got scared and turned around at first because you never know what you’re gonna get with a leashless dog! But then she ran around the corner and we were like LETS SEE WHERE SHE WENT and then some older man was all COCO! COCO! Ugh Peg left the GATE open! I’m going to YELL at her!

    We were like SIR ARE YOU LOOKING FOR A DOG CUZ WE SAW ONE and he was like YES WHERE and Chooch put on his Dog Detective hat and pointed the way. We kind of stood there helplessly for a while and then I was like “This is awkward, Kid. Let’s split.”

    But when we walked up to the next street, we saw some teenage girl slowly chasing a dog through her yard, yelling things to a man on the porch like “It has a harness on!” And I was like THAT MUST BE COCO so I had her and Chooch Lee an eye on her while I ran through the alley to find the man who looked like Harry Potter’s uncle, and I frantically yelled, “Mister we found your dog!” And he asked his neighbor lady if he could hop in her car and they took off to the street I pointed to and I ran back through the alley to find that Chooch and the girl were still blocking Coco but then right when the car rolled up, she bolted deeper into the bowels of Brookline and the girl screamed PAP, GET HER! So now the girl’s pap was party of the search party and the owner got out of the car with the leash while the neighbor lady (who I thought was Peg at first and wondered if she had already gotten yelled at but turns out she was just a nice neighbor who was helping Harry Potter’s uncle who was in NO SHAPE to be trying to lasso Coco on his own) crept slowly after Coco in her car while the rest of us walk-ran in order to not spook Coco into running faster.

    OH FRIENDS it was a whole ordeal. But we finally cornered her and the girl was able to grab onto Coco’s harness while Harry Potter’s uncle clobbered over to us with the leash, panting and on the verge of a coronary.

    We all bid each other a jovial adieu and then Chooch and I ran home and walked Henry up to tell him that we were hometown heroes once again and he mumbled “I’m so sure” and then fell back asleep.

    Last night during our walk, I pointed things out to Henry like the bush where the girl was first trying to catch Coco and the alley where I ran down to tell the owner I found her and Henry was straight sneering on the backseat of a bus to Frown Town.

    “It was a really big deal, Henry. You had to be there,” I huffed.

    “I doubt it,” he muttered.

    “If Brookline had a newsletter, it would have been in there!” I yelled haughtily, but by then his bus had reached its miserable stop at the corner of Scowl Street in Frown Town so he was no longer listening.

    And that’s all for this week’s Friday Five! It’s 9:04pm and we’re still in Ohio, to the point where I’m not convinced that Henry hasn’t turned around at some point without me knowing and we’re actually headed back to Pittsburgh.

    Aug 102018
     

    Yeah boi, it’s Friday (I was going to type Friyay just to be a douchebag but I was afraid you’d think I was serious as I type this while wearing a BUT FIRST COFFEE ringer tee) so let’s pull some five things out a hat and call it a day.

    1. My Broken Calf

    Remember sometime last week when I was like “I broke my calf”? No? YOU MEAN YOU DON’T READ ALL THESE POSTS? Don’t worry, I don’t either – that’s why they’re so jacked up! Anyway, I hurt my calf somehow, not because I’m a lunatic when it comes to exercising, oh no. It was one of those things where I was like, “Maybe it just needs to stretch it out or something” and then I kept doing all the things I normally do because I’m a fucking fool. I spent a whole week trying to hide my limp at work, and I almost had to roll myself out of several rides at Kennywood because my calf was so taut. Anyway, I thought I was healed (why, I don’t know, because I certainly hadn’t rested it at all) but then Saturday night, Chooch and I were waiting to cross the street and then some lady was like “Even though I have the right of way and you guys don’t have the walk sign, I’m going to be a sweetheart and let you cross while I hold up traffic” which she communicated by waving us along. It was one of those things where we were both delayed in our reactions, so when Chooch and I went to step off the curb, she started to turn into us, and this went on three times until the car behind her started to blow on the horn so I screamed RUNNNN and we ran across the street but when I pushed off with my left foot, I tweaked that son-of-a-bitchin’ muscle all over again and it’s a wonder I made it to the other side of the road, like the gimpiest Punchline Chicken ever.

    Nevertheless, I continued walking – we were walking to the Dormont post office to drop off some Hello Hanguk cards – and it didn’t feel great but oh well.

    This has nothing to do with my calf, but on our way to the post office, keep in mind it’s night time, Henry said, “Oh hey look” and pointed to a window of a shop we were walking past. When I turned to look, I was FACE TO FACE with a mannequin head, but like, the kind from the 50s or 60s that have makeup on. I don’t know why it shocked me so much, but I screamed SO LOUD, the type of scream I would usually reserve for when I’m being an asshole at a haunted house, and THAT actually scared Henry and Chooch. My heart was actually racing, lol.

    OK back to my calf.

    The next day I think I limped all around town, but I swear it felt OK that night, so I shoved the coffee table out of the way to prepare for Kpop Family Cardio Night, and approximately 10 seconds into the firsts song, my calf was like, “Oh hunny, no” and that is how I ended up crumbled into a heap of writhing Fat Girl on the floor while Henry said things like, “I TOLD YOU THIS WOULD HAPPEN” and “GOOD FOR YOU” and “WHEN WILL YOU LEARN” and “WHEN I WAS IN THE SERVICE, THIS HAPPENED TO EDDIE WHEN HE WAS FLEEING FROM THE PANAMANIAN FAMILY AFTER ACCIDENTALLY MURDERING THEIR PET DUCK.”

    When Henry said he was going to go to CVS  to get me an ace bandage, I asked him if he was walking and when he said yes, I said, “OK I’LL COME TOO!” He was just like, “Are you kidding me?!” but then sighed deeply and we embarked on the slowest walk to CVS because I literally couldn’t put any pressure on my left leg. First, I tried hopping there on my right leg but that gets tiring after awhile. Then I tried to get Henry to carry me and he was like, “What do I look like, a fork lift” but then I realized that if I walked in a sideways shuffle, I could walk without yelping in pain!

    While we were in CVS, “Eye in the Sky” by Alan Parsons Project came on and I always get super somber when I hear that because it brings back weird memories of my birth dad that I’m not even sure are real?! So now I had a broken calf and weird maybe-memories making me look like someone who had jumped out of an asylum window and stopped at CVS for an ace bandage and candy bar.

    Anyway, here’s a picture of Penelope looking totally concerned as Henry wraps my leg. Also, ignore the table in the background. That’s Henry’s fake-Hallmark factory.

    Me, after he wrapped my ankle: “I’M CURED!”

    Me, after I took it off before bed: *takes a step and collapses*

    2. Stupid Lunch Date With Stupid Henry

    Henry and I had Saturday afternoon to ourselves because Chooch went to some nerd convention at the library. First, we went to two asian markets that we’ve never shopped at before asian markets are the premiere places to get amazing produce, if you didn’t know. More on that later though. We decided to also go on a lunch date, I guess that’s what that was, and this is how we learned that every restaurant we wanted to try in Bloomfield was closes early and if there’s one thing I despise, it’s a restaurant that closes early. The one place has a big open window and one of the workers was sitting near it, so when we walked past, I yelled ASSHOLE! except that it was more of a whisper-scream and Henry thought this was like, so funny, and wouldn’t stop laughing about it and that just made me more mad.

    Anyway, we ended up at Station, which is not somewhere I had ever considered eating at before because I was always under the impression that it was super non-veg friendly, but the menu posted outside said that they had VEGAN SLOPPY JOES. I was like, “I’m in” and that was that.

    Since it was an odd hour (after 2pm), it was just us, another couple, and some lonely guy at the bar. I love empty restaurants like no other, you guys. You have no idea the anxiety I get right before walking into a restaurant. I always feel like Pee Wee walking into that biker bar, except that I can promise you I’m not going to win over the skeptics by doing the Big Shoe dance to Tequila on the bar.

    I felt super comfortable here, we had a great waitress, my sloppy joe was on a delicious roll, and the FRIES WERE AMONG THE BEST FRIES I HAVE HAD. Like, every fry was a Good One! I didn’t have to exchange any with Henry!

    And then we shared a lavender pound cake for lunch-dessert! And we got along! I think Henry and I have an OK relationship, you guys. It would be even better if he would just commit to taking us to Holiday World for god’s sake.

    3. My Favorite Song of the Week

    YG is killing it this year.  This is hands down my favorite thing that Ikon has released and I’m really stoked for them. YG Entertainment will always be #1 in my heart and getting to see their building when we were in Korea was a dream! There’s a shitload of talent inside those walls.

    4. Good Goddamn Vegetables!

    One of the things I love about Pittsburgh (and there are not many things I love about this city) is that we have so many amazing ethnic markets. I have become obsessed with breadfruit ever since we had it at the Caribbean festival a few weeks ago and I found out that an asian market in Wilkinsburg sells it. We also got cassava and barrata, which I was practically peeing my pants over. Look, when your diet consists of like 90% fruits and vegetables, you’d be excited to add some new shit to the repertoire as well. When Henry was checking out, the older asian woman asked, “Do you know these?” and when we said yes, she happily said, “Oh! That’s good!” I felt so proud! Then I posted a picture on Instagram of some our newly acquired vegetables and this caused confusion and disgust because:

    • This is America!
    • Vegetables are broccoli and carrots!
    • Probably from a bag!
    • From the back of a freezer!

    But whatever, veggie-haters, I was in heaven! And this is the exotic bowl I feasted on that weekend:

    Granted, gochujang makes everything taste good, but the cassava and barrata were great additions to Henry’s Korean noodle bowl, and then he fried some plantains and breadfruit with some rice syrup for dessert and I was like, “Pappap, thank you for sending this man to take care of me.” Honestly, I would still be eating food bought from gas stations if I hadn’t meant him, probably.

    Also, I don’t have a sesame seed problem, sesame seeds have an Erin problem.

    Speaking of asian markets, the second one we went to was a Korean market and the two ladies working there were so sweet and helpful and gave us both a free Binch (a type of cookie) when we were checking out. And I got my 바나나 우유 fix and while it was velvety and delicious, it just wasted the same as sipping it from a cute little barrel in Korea. :(

    On the train to Busan!

    5. A Week of Train Derailments

    Speaking of trains, Pittsburgh was CURSED last week. First, that stupid Thomas the Tank Engine train at Kennywood derailed twice on two separate days. Then on Sunday, a REAL train derailed and seven cars landed on the Station Square trolley tracks and I have not been able to shake the fact that this could have been so fucking tragic and devastating had it happened at any other time — but thank god, NO ONE WAS HURT. The train cars that fell were carrying household products, things like Listerine and cat food, but nothing toxic, and NO ONE happened to be standing there and no trolleys were passing by at that moment.

    Image result for station square train derailment

    From triblive.com

    Related image

    From wpxi.com

    I get chills every time I look at these pictures or even think about it happening. What a nightmare. Of course, Monday’s commute was absolutely jacked because the alternate route was also affected at first and the Port Authority had to scramble and employ the use of shuttle buses. I was getting mad because Janna was complaining about it and I was like THEY ARE DOING THE BEST THAT THEY CAN, THIS IS NOT THEIR FAULT and you know that’s something, when I stick up for the Port Authority! But really, they are like the local heroes of the week. I read that a ton of their of their employees came to work on their day off to help with the shuttle buses, and whoever runs their Twitter account is spunky AF. They posted a picture of the trolley tracks after all of the train cars had been removed and their caption was “Gotta be honest. Station Square Station, you look like you’ve been hit by a train.”

    COME ON, THAT’S FUNNY!

    My commute is a little bit longer now while they work on repairing all the tracks and power lines that were demolished, but I can’t be too mad because at least I don’t have to take a bus, and AT LEAST NO ONE WAS HURT.

    *shudder*

    ***

    Well, I intended this to be more riveting, but my days have been mostly: work, begging Henry to take me to Holiday World*, Korean dramas, and making fun of the church carnival which started on Wednesday. What a summer.

    *(The other night, Henry lost it and said, “I love you but you are REALLY GETTING ON MY NERVES.” Wow. This was a separate outburst from the time last weekend at Target when he told me that he sometimes can’t believe I’m as old as I am, and this may or may not have been because I was publicly pouting about wanting to go to Holiday World. Look, when something is on my radar, I WILL FIXATE AND FOCUS until I get on my own nerves.)

    ***

    OMG WAIT! I have an extra story for you, the hidden track of Friday Five, if you will.

    Hidden Track: The DGD Interaction

    Yesterday when I was about to go back in my building after my lunch break walk, I noticed a young guy leaning against the wall and he was wearing a Dance Gavin Dance shirt! I was just about to hang up with Henry when I blurted out, “Some guy is wearing a DGD shirt—I MUST TALK TO HIM, BYE” and I’m sure Henry was so glad he wasn’t there to witness me faking like I know how to talk to other humans. But I honestly had to say something because unless I’m at a show (and I’m rarely at shows anymore), I never see anyone just causally strolling around town with a DGD shirt on.

    So I go up to this guy who is scrolling through his phone, and I urgently say, “I just had to tell you that DGD is one of my favorite bands, and I never see anyone wearing their shirts.”

    Instead of being creeped out by this scene-elder invading his space, he smiled and said, “Well, I have to tell you that no one ever tells me they like them too!” and then we talked about how they’re not coming to Pittsburgh on their upcoming tour, and he said, “Where have you seen them, Mr Smalls?” and I was glad he answered his question for me because I was starting to blank and I realized that it’s been SO LONG since I’ve actually listened to DGD (or anything English for that matter) that if he started asking me detailed questions I would probably have to run away. I even forgot at that moment what my favorite album and song were!

    I haven’t even bought their latest record yet! I’m awful! Maybe I will do that tomorrow.

    Aug 012018
     

    I don’t have the mental endurance to talk to people IRL anymore so it’s all you, Blog. These are some topics I would have broached to people this week if I had energy to form words:

    Recently, I started hating the guy who lives on the other side of Hot Naybor Chris. I mean, yes, I hate Henry, but I’m talking about the guy on the other side.  It’s him and his hick-wife and their little child-thing and they never used to bother me but then one day I realized that they NEVER FUCKING ACKNOWLEDGE ME when I say hello to them.

    “And I’m the OG resident of this street! I’ve been here since 1999! THEY SHOULD FEEL PRIVILEGED TO RECEIVE SALUTATIONS FROM ME!” I ranted the one day and Chooch solemnly agreed while Henry was like, “Well, maybe they don’t hear you or maybe they don’t believe in hellos or…” because he fucking white knights everything and I can’t even stand it.

    The worst part is that guy has like three noisy cars that he constantly works on in his garage and in our shared driveway and at first it was humorous but now he’s been there for about 3 years and those cars still need fixed all the time?! WHY?! I think he has some kind of compulsion and maybe he’s breaking them on purpose just so he can work on them some more.

    “I know people like that…” Henry began, stepping into his armor and mounting his white steed.

    What makes me even more mad is that dude always says hello to HNC’s wife, and maybe you recall the huge blow-out they had two years ago in the driveway?! (Honestly click  that link and watch the video if you haven’t already because it’s chilling and hilarious at the same time.)

    So maybe I need to tell him that I’m going to shove a metal rod so far up his ass that it comes out of his mouth, just like she did, and then that’ll break the ice enough for him to say hello to me?!

    Everything about him is starting to piss me off to the point where I’m resorting to my old PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE WAYS of talking about him loudly while he’s outside.

    “THOSE PEOPLE ARE SO FUCKING WEIRD LIKE CAN THEY NOT WAVE BACK TO THEIR NEIGHBORS” or “GOOD THING I DIDN’T WANT TO PARK IN THE DRIVEWAY SINCE THE BODY SHOP IS SO BUSY TODAY.” Honestly, I quit parking in that weird driveway years ago, but if I wanted to, there would have to be a BIG CONFRONTATION which I’m surprised hasn’t happened yet since Blake & Haley are entitled to a spot down there but his jacked-up cars are all over the place. Now it sounds like we live in a West Virginian holler but it’s literally two duplexes next to each other in the city.

    Finally, I snapped last week and as Henry and I were crossing the street from where we do actually park, I screamed, “I’m calling the mayor to tell him he’s running a mechanic business in the driveway!”

    “Yeah but…he works on his own cars so that’s not really a business?” Henry said, fluffing his chainmail merkin.

    Speaking of mayors, we were at the Hollywood Theater Saturday night watching our good friend Jessi perform with the shadow cast. Before the show started, the MC gave a shout-out to the mayor of Dormont, which is the town right next to ours, where the Hollywood is located.

    “DORMONT HAS A MAYOR!?” I hoarsely whispered to Henry, totally shook at this revelation.

    Henry dished out his “yeah, everyone has a mayor” on a bed of condescension.

    “WHO’S BROOKLINE’S MAYOR!?” I screamed, but quietly-screamed, because we were indoors, after all. #insidevoice

    “UM, PEDUTO!?” Henry cried incredulously, and then it clicked that, oh yeah, Brookline is part of Pittsburgh! I guess I just assumed that Peduto was like, All Mayor, but now I am learning that no, other towns have their own mayors so I spent a large part of the day Wiki’ing various mayors in Allegheny County and aren’t you guys all super confident in my ability to cast a thoughtful vote on election days?

    This new information will be helpful the next time I get the fiery urge to call a mayor.

    ***

    Fun facts: I’m stupendously bad at pinball, I forget pretty much all multiplication tables past 3, I have two scars on my face (chicken pox scar on my cheek, eyebrow ring scar on account of having to get it SURGICALLY REMOVED), I tweeted that thing about the Dormont mayor AND THE DORMONT MAYOR LIKED IT.

    Synonyms for Erin Rachelle Kelly: imitator, fake, all kinds of low-life.

    But yeah, this is a real “article” that I found by clicking on a referring link to my blog and boy was that a sweet surprise. I mean this has to be fake, right? Not as fake as me, but still — who comes up with one fact for a selfie spoon, let alone 7?!

    They at least credited my blog as source though, so…good?

    ***

    It was raining this morning and kind of chilly so I figured I would wear my windbreaker so I could put up the hood to extra-protect my hair but then I couldn’t find it and I realized that I left it at work last spring, in my desk closet thing. So I grabbed Chooch’s windbreaker even though it’s just slightly longer than a crop-top on me, because it has a hood and fits OK in the sleeves. The whole time I was walking to the the trolley I was like, “WHAT IS THAT SMELL, IT’S GROSS YET FAMILIAR” and then, when it was too late to turn back, I realized that it was the jacket and what I was smelling was the stench of a 12-year-old boy and I was like gagging on the whole way to work, it was awful.

    And then once I got to work, I started smelling vitamins and started choking back vomit-burps because I HATE VITAMINS – I can only take them in gummy or sometimes gel form. Henry recently bought me some women’s health vitamins from GNC and the first time I took them, I immediately ran to the bathroom and puked and now I can’t even think of them without a green pallor taking over my normally super-blushy cheeks. Anyway, Henry is now taking women’s vitamins because “I PAID LIKE $20 FOR THAT BOTTLE, BLAHHHHH!”

    During this mysterious vitamin-huffing moment, I had a flashback to when I was a kid, like maybe 8 or 9, and my mom used to go to what the family called “The Fat Doctor” even though my mom wasn’t fat, but he was some nutritionist or something, probably not, who would distribute some kind of “fat pills” to his patients. My brother Ryan and I would have to sit in the waiting room and it reeked of vitamins in there and even worse, THE WATER IN THE WATER FOUNTAIN HAD THE METALLIC TASTE OF PENNIES AND VITAMINS AT THE SAME TIME! Oh, my god, I might have to puke…I just had a flashback-tasting of that water.

    One time, we were getting ready to leave and some lady walked in. She was pretty overweight and Ryan was at the age where he just said whatever was on his mind because 4 year olds give no fucks about a filter. My mom knew it was about to happen and even though she was in the process of slapping her hand over his mouth, he had just enough time to blurt out, loudly, “MOMMY, THAT LADY’S FAT.”

    Oh my god, it was awful.

    He also called out a small person, and an entire sidewalk of black people while we were at a red light in Clairton. AREN’T KIDS GREAT.

    Now I wish The Fat Doctor was still alive because I’d like some of those pills. #shameless

    Also, I don’t know why I was smelling vitamins other than: another mini-stroke.

    ***

    Speaking of filterless children, boy I sure despise them. Yesterday, I got stuck sitting on  the trolley behind a couple and their boy who was like 3 maybe? I can’t figure out ages of children. He was at that age were screaming in fits is a compulsion. Like, he didn’t accidentally touch a hot poker or anything, he just…felt like belting out a blood-curling bellow right then for no reason other THAN HE COULD. And his parents were just like quietly discussing who did what on Facebook around his bucking body and I was like, “HE IS DOING THIS BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT ENGAGING HIM. STIMULATE HIS FUCKING MIND, PLEASE.”

    It was so bad that I got off a stop early because fuck that shit.

    Today, I got stuck sitting IN FRONT of them this time, and he fell at some point and hit his dumb face or something and started shrieking and I was like, “HAHA good you deserve that” but then the joke was on me because I had to sit there while it sounded like he was perched on my shoulder, crying in my ear.

    And annoying dad and daughter were in front of me! But they were super quiet in comparison.

    I eventually moved to another car but I should not have to do that because there should be a caboose designated for parents and their unruly children, like A CRY ROOM AT CHURCH.

    Question: Why don’t you just listen to music?

    Answer: BECAUSE BLOCKING OUT SURROUNDING SOUNDS IS WHEN YOU SET YOURSELF UP FOR A STABBING.

    ***

    I was out on my break yesterday and I got caught in a rainstorm because when I checked the weather on my phone, it didn’t say it was going to rain AND THEN SPOILER ALERT IT FUCKING RAINED. I stood under a bridge across from PNC Park for a while in an attempt to wait it out but then eventually I was like, “Well it’s now or never” and I ran for it, even though my calf is still broken from last week! It hurt! Anyway, I ran several blocks until I could at least see my building and then I stood under an awning and called Henry, who, wait for it, WHITE KNIGHTED THE FUCKING WEATHER ARE YOU GODDAMN KIDDING ME? Can I please just complain about a thing in peace?!

    ***

    Speaking of that jerk amateur car mechanic neighbor, my cat Penelope has a major crush on him for some reason and loves to sit on the back porch and watch him work. I called her out on this one day and Chooch was like, “Maybe she has a mechanic fetish” and I was like, “Chooch!” and he shrugged and said, “Would you rather I have said kink?”

    OMG.

    ***

    OK you’re dismissed.

    Jul 272018
     

    Wow, just wow, I have been a mental mess. It’s becoming harder and harder for me to have conversations because my mind and mouth are suffering from an extreme disconnect, like get these two into a mediation stat, you know? This afternoon, I went over to talk to our new-ish admin person, Margie, about something and I could not for the life of me form a sentence. She was looking at me, like, “THE FUCK ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY TO ME, DEAR” and it was like we were lounging uncomfortably in the Black Lodge and I was showing her how sometimes my arms bend back. (Props if you get that reference.) The whole time, the coherent Erin that I hold hostage in my head was screaming “COME ON USE YOUR WORDS, ERIN. YOU CAN DO THIS.” And then I yelled at the admin lady for not immediately knowing what I was trying to say. YOU’VE BEEN HERE LONG ENOUGH NOW, MARGIE.

    Also, I’ve been getting headaches lately, should I see a doctor don’t answer that I’m terrified of doctors and won’t go anyway HAHAHAlolUgh.

    Anyway, here’s some five things for you to chew on.

    1. When I was in middle school, I read a Lucille Ball biography and the only thing that stuck with me was that she had rheumatoid arthritis and to this day, I think that’s what I have anytime I have even the slightest twinge (or “twingle” as I originally typed) of pain. I literally can’t remember anything else that was in that book.

    2. One of the IT guys at work yesterday was talking to me and out of the blue he blurted out, “Where’d you get that picture of Tony Stewart?” and I was like “WHO?” and then I realized he was talking about the painting of Tony Stewart that I’ve had on my desk for three years. “Oh, that thing? I painted it,” I said, and he was all “OMG!!1111” which made me laugh because I literally painted it as a joke one day when I was being my usual asshole self and latching on to an ESPN alert I received telling me that TONY STEWART KILLED A MAN. And then Henry got all White Knight-y about it so I took that to mean Henry loves Tony Stewart, so I painted him a picture of Tony one day while he was at the store and THEN HE DIDN’T WANT IT because he doesn’t appreciate me or my “art” so I took it to work and it has been on my desk ever since and now people who don’t know me think I like Nascar. Anyway, I told the IT guy that I painted it as a joke and he was like “OK crazy” and left.

          SUB-THOUGHT: After this Tony Stewart revelation happened yesterday, my friend Alisha sent me a screenshot of her Facebook memory for that day because this is what my friends do now that I’m not on Facebook, send me screenshots, and this particular memory was from like 9 years ago when I did Blogathon, which was when people sponsored me to blog every 30 minutes for 24 hours for charity. (Hold up while I google Hashimoto’s Disease to see if I have that because people are talking about that on YouTube right now.) (I’m back, I think I probably don’t have that.) Anyway, Alisha came over during two Blogathons and let me torture her because she is a good friend so I decided to look up old pictures from Blogathon to send her in case she needed a trigger in her day, and the first one I found was a picture of a book page and without even looking I knew exactly that it was because I had become obsessed with the word MISCEGENATION and played the Dictionary.com pronunciation of it over and over and then found a way to make it my ringtone. So last night, after work, I randomly put my phone up to Henry’s ear and played the Dictionary.com soundbyte and he was like, “FUCK THAT WORD, FUCK IT RIGHT IN ITS ASS.” Dude barely remembers anything but HE WILL NEVER FORGET THAT WORD! Thanks for letting me share my obsessions.
      3. You guys, if you ever wake up one day and think, “You know, my English-speaking self is really craving a good Korean drama to binge,” PLEASE DO YOURSELF A FAVOR AND WATCH “ARE YOU HUMAN TOO.” Henry and I are shook. We’re actually watching it in real-time (it’s still currently being aired in Korea) so we go through withdrawals after we finish the two new episodes that come out every week. Henry texted me Monday morning and said, “NEW EPISODE TODAY” and I was like, “Yeah no shit, I get alerts too, Henry.” God he always has to co-opt everything I love. But honestly, I feel actual heartache while I’m watching this show, which is about a robot, because the robot is the most perfect, sweetest thing of all time and I want a robot just like him OK FINE I JUST WANT SEO KANG JOON THE ACTOR WHO PLAYS HIM. YOU GOT ME. I keep trying to entice Lauren to watch it so I’ll have someone at work to talk about it with. Here is the trailer, get into it!
      • https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XuVQXkx7eEE&t=5s
      4. “It’s like someone poured a bunch of fat into a garbage bag and said, ‘OK, here’s Erin Kelly!'” I said sourly on my nightly walk with Henry today, because I am having A VERY BAD BODY DYSMORPHIC DAY and have been slinging my tagline “3-6-5-So-Fat*” much to Henry’s chagrin. Honestly, I am so trigger-prone lately. I saw a post on Instagram that was all “I’m not saying that thigh gaps are something to strive for BUT OMG LOOK AT MY THIGH GAP” and I was like, “Go fuck yourself. IN YOUR THIGH GAP. LITERALLY.” It sent me on a spiral and then I’m YouTubing crash diets and Henry’s all, “Look, I’m not a doctor but this military diet seems dangerous” and I’m like “I WILL FUCKING CUT YOU, NOW GO BOIL ME A FUCKING EGG WHILE I EAT THESE FIVE SALTINE CRACKERS, MOTHERFUCKER.”
      *There’s a song called 365 Fresh so listen to it and then hear in your head me singing the words 365SoFat.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8gPQenyj1nI

    • *Also on our walk I decided that the solution to all my problems is that I need to get into a good old-fashioned fist fight and Henry quickly and adamantly  opposed this. I wanted to start with the guy at the red light revving his Small Weener Car engine what a cocky motherfucker. I HATE GUYS WHO DO THAT.

    5. It’s looking like we might be getting another department on our floor so some of us were talking about what that could mean and Amber was like YOU MIGHT HAVE TO TAKE DOWN THE GLENNS, and by that she means the various posterboards hanging up, displaying all of my Glenn-artistry when I used to print out sheets of his employee photo and turn it into recent dead celebs which I have since stopped doing since the end of 2016 because we lost so many Greats that year that it was just becoming too depressing. So then I had the idea that I could turn each individual Glenn into jewelry because Henry and I were just talking about how we (read: he) should start making pendants again. “AND THEN I CAN SELL THEM AT THE TABLE BY THE KITCHEN JUST LIKE GAYLE USED TO DO WITH HER BEAD JEWELRY!” Lauren, Amber, and Margie were like, “Wow. That is a great idea” but their facial muscles weren’t forming the appropriate gleeful expression that mine were. I filled in Glenn and said, “I’ll give you one for free, but you have to pay for any others you want” and then I walked away before he could kill my joy.

    And this has been the Friday Fiver. Maybe this weekend I will do some shots and write the next great American novel but really it will just be a 2,000 word post about Warped Tour BOY WON’T YOU FEEL FOOLED.

    Also the formatting on this is all out of wack but I assure you, I might have brain issues lately but I DO know how to count.

    Jul 062018
     

    Today is Friday. Here are five things I’ve been happy about this week, I guess:

    1. This Korean art I bought in Insadong that Henry finally hung up for me before it ended up breaking from all the sitting around it did on the dining room table (“OMG just do it yourself” blah blah blah says my anti-fan club, lol):

    2. Drinking Copious Amounts of Water

    Yes, my waterjug-chug-a-lug’ing is going strong but I have had to answer to pretty much every single person who spies it on my desk (I mean, it does kind of stand out). Like YES I AM DRINKING THIS PLUS SOME EVERYDAY. I’ll tell you, when it’s in your face like that, it really isn’t very challenging and I sure do feel a lot better for it. Did you know that some hydration authorities say you should drink one ounce for every pound you weigh?!

    3. Special Delivery from My Mom!

    After work today, my mom stopped over with some stuff from Trax Farms (fun fact, you locals: I’m related to the Trax family). Like vegetables and stuff, and then a Jurassic World blanket for Chooch because HE GETS EVERYTHING. J/K. I didn’t also want a Jurassic World blanket. I want, I don’t know, a Taemin blanket probably. Anyway! My mom also brought over lunch meat (ugh Henry) and cheese. “OMG SHE GAVE US TOO? OH SHE IS SO NICE!” like this is an orphanage and now he gets to put a cheese-cap on his nightly porridge for a special treat. As he was dramatically gnashing on a slice of provolone, he said very seriously, “Colby is good, but provolone if my forever favorite.” Meanwhile, Henry was all butt-hurt, whining about how he buys cheese too, like he’s going to turn this into some competitive grocery shopping thing.

    She also got us corn!! I love corn! Except that I won’t eat it on the cob, I make Henry scrape it off me so it falls onto a plate like puzzle pieces. I had braces for 8 years and grew accustomed to eating my corn this way, you guys. I was telling Carrie about this at work last week and she informed that there are kitchen tools for this very act; I looked on Amazon and she’s right! THEY’RE CALLED CORN STRIPPERS!!!!.

    4. Speaking of Taemin!!

    I was challenging myself to not post this video on here because I know my Kpop gushing is nauseating for most/all, but Taemin was on this Korean show called The Call, where artists are paired up and collaborate together. I watched this video in the car on the way home from Newark last week and it has been in my head EVERY DAY since. It’s a collab between Taemin and rapper BeWhy and it’s a real wig-snatcher. (Lol, I hate that saying.)

    5. Halfway to Holiday World!

    One thing that always pulls me out of a summer numbness (I was going to be cute and call it a Summer Number but then I was like, “hey that looks familiar, oh right, because ‘number’ is already a word” and now I’m dwelling on the fact that when you add an “er” to the end of “numb,” the “b” suddenly becomes unsilent. ENGLISH, WHY U DIS WAY?!) is going to amusement parks! I have Henry half-convinced that we should go to Holiday World in Indiana. I tried to get him to take us there a few years ago when we went to Indiana Beach because my reasoning was, “They are both in Indiana” and then he showed me a map of Indiana and I was still like, “Ok…so?” So now, years later, I’m back on my Holiday World kick and he seems mildly interested because the route we would take puts us near Jungle Jim’s, a huge grocery store near Cincinnati known for it’s huge selection of international goods. The last time we were there, I was more into Romania than Korea so I didn’t focus on any of the k-goodness. Also, I want to eat at Hyde’s! But all this talk about going to Indiana has made me daydream about the quaint little burger joint we went to when we were in town for Indiana Beach–Mr. Happy Burger!!! I think I just recently referenced this on here because I get obsessed and then re-obsessed. Anyway, I’ve been all up in Henry’s ears about how “and then we can go to Mr. Happy Burger too!” and he is like “NO!” and I am like, “WHY?!” and he is like, “LITERALLY FOR THE SAME REASON I TOLD YOU WE COULDN’T DO INDIANA BEACH AND HOLIDAY WORLD AT THE SAME TIME – THEY ARE ON OPPOSITE SIDES OF THE STATE!” and then he has to re-show me a map of Indiana which I just blink at and say, “So?”

    We’ll see how far I get with this hackneyed scheme. Shooting for August. FINGERS CROSSED!!! I want to ride on holiday-themed rides and go hog-wild in Santa Claus, Indiana!

    Jun 122018
     
    1. Brookline Machete

    One morning last week, I was walking by Lauren, who eschewed all socially acceptable versions of salutations and instead exclaimed, “Erin, where is your machete?!” She was in the process of struggling to open a box of crackers as she said this so I thought she was facetiously seeking the aid of a machete. BUT NO! She was literally asking where my machete was because apparently a bar in my neighborhood had been robbed by someone wielding a machete!

    Now, it’s pretty common knowledge among work cohorts that I have, and am terrified of, a machete in my house. So it was hilarious to me that there were several others in addition to Lauren who also said that they thought of me immediately when they saw this on the news. Oh I love my reputation.

    Anyway, I hadn’t heard of this robbery so I went back to my desk and Googled it, and came upon this awesome write-up:

    OK, some thing to note:

    2. Twitter Crazy

    The other night, I got notification that some old ass tweet of mine from April 2008 had been liked and retweeted. Super random, so I decided to investigate and it turns out that this Helen lady who is Twitter verifed and followed by Skrillex (lol) was challenged to tweet something crazy and the first thing she found was this tweet of mine from 10 years ago, which has now been RT’d several more times and liked by a bunch of weirdos when the reality is that I really think this was true when I tweeted it!!

    3. I Looked Like This One Day Last Week

    4. ART RAGE

    Two Friday nights ago, I realized that the last day of school was fast approaching and told Chooch to log on to his student portal thing so I could get a feel for what his last report card would look like and that’s when I was shocked—NAY, TRAUMATIZED—to see that he had his first C ever in the history of Chooch attending school.

    A ‘C’ IN ART.

    ART!!!

    HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN?!

    I was getting more and more worked up and he was like, “LOOK IT’S NOT ME, IT’S HER, SHE HATES ME AND SHE THINKS I SUCK AT ART!” and he was crying about it a little bit by now so after I made him swear 8 times that this wasn’t because he misses some classes occasionally on the days he goes to the gifted center, and that he doesn’t have any unfinished projects, I searched for this broad’s contact info on the school’s website and then stabbed out an email to her. Chooch wouldn’t let me send it until he read it over because he wanted to make sure I hadn’t “called her the c-word” in my blind rage.

    He adjusted some things but then gave me the OK to hit send.

    It was terse, but professional. I told her that as an artist myself (LOL, I mean, I guess I used to see my stuff on Etsy so that must give some artist street cred?), I appreciated that public schools offered art classes but that it made me sad that instead of finding it to be a therapeutic and joyful (lol) experience, my son was panicked and dreading it.

    Anyway, she emailed me back the following Tuesday with a scanned attachment of CHOOCH’S UNFINISHED PROJECT and said that she gave it to him to work on at home and that if he returned it completed, she would change his grade. Oh, and that she also sent him home with some markers, as he told her that he doesn’t have ANY ART SUPPLIES AT HOME.

    YOU LITTLE SHIT, I LITERALLY JUST TOLD HER IN THE EMAIL THAT YOU PROOFREAD THAT I’M AT ARTIST AND NOW SHE PROBABLY THINKS I’M A LIAR!

    Oh, also he would prefer to spend the class talking to his friends and this part I know for sure is FACT.

    So then I had to eat crow and apologize to her and that, while Chooch might not be the best artist, HE SURE IS A GREAT ACTOR.

    There were people following along with this Shakespearean tragedy at work.

    “Wow, this story is very layered,” Lou said when I vented about it in the office kitchen and you know I must have really needed to talk about this if I was TALKING TO LOU.

    Wendy thought it was hilarious.

    So did Glenn and Amber, of course.

    I couldn’t wait to get home and verbally annihilate the little brat-face, but then he threw a wrench in my anger by giving me MORE INSIGHT INTO THE DRAMA!

    So his side is that she hates him (I can partially believe this; she practically defenestrated herself when she saw us approaching her classroom last year during Open House and then said she had to go to a meeting while literally RUNNING OUT OF THE ROOM. Wow.

    Anyway, Chooch’s defense was, “DO I TALK TO MY FRIENDS IN CLASS? YES! I TALK TO THEM ABOUT THE PROJECT, HOW I HATE THE PROJECT, HOW I HATE THAT CLASS!” and that also his project wasn’t incomplete in his eyes. The assignment was self-portrait but he doesn’t like drawing people so he drew a blimp because he identifies as a blimp? I have no idea, he lost me there. But then the art teacher was all, “ROAR ROAR ROAR YOU DID THIS WRONG” and he was all, “I THOUGHT ART WAS ABOUT SELF-EXPRESSION!?” and she was like, “NOT WHEN I’M TEACHING IT, DO IT THE WAY I ASKED” and then he didn’t want to color it either because in his eyes he’s a gray-scale blimp which makes sense because isn’t that what color they are? So then he had to bring markers home to color in his new self-portrait since he lives in a house devoid of all art supplies because his parents don’t believe IN THE ARTS and his finished project was himself spray-painting the word “blimp” on a brick wall.

    5. Penelope-Sanctioned Snuggles

    This happened one day after work last week for a few seconds. I’m not sure if you can tell by her face, but she doesn’t like being cuddled unless it’s bedtime and she’s come to make our sleep as uncomfortable as possible.

    6. G-Dragon, the Melania of Korea

    The subject of G-Dragon came up in an email chain going on last week between me and my work-group of Amber, Lauren, Todd and Glenn. I mean, I don’t know WHO would have brought him up…but then Lauren was inspired to google him since I don’t sit over on their side anymore to blurt out GD-updates on a whim, and she replied all to ask me if I knew how his ankle surgery went since that was the most recent thing her search brought up, and you guys, that was MID-MAY. I actually didn’t have more information than that because none of the Korean sites have said anything more than he was admitted to a hospital to have the surgery, which allegedly went well, and then was expected to be released back to the military once he recovered BUT HAS HE RECOVERED OR…?!

    I even asked Twitter and no one answered me. Fuck you, Twitter.

    7. Fifty First Drews

    One day last week, I had my hair in a ponytail, but I guess it was positioned differently, maybe it was lopsided, up higher than usual, who knows, but Drew DID NOT RECOGNIZE ME and she looked like she was hunting prey the way she kept her eyes locked on me as she slowly crept closer. It was super stupid. Oftentimes, she and Penelope act like it’s their first day in our house and we have to wait patiently for them to assimilate.

    Anyway, this picture was taken after she calmed down and accepted my new (?) look.

    8. SHINeepalooza!

    Pretty much spent all last week watching every single SHINee stage on all of the music countdown shows (of course they lost to BTS on every single one too and you know I love BTS but COME THE FUCK ON BTS, GO HOME AND LET SOMEONE ELSE WIN A LITTLE TOO, FUCK) and also their new reality show which is FUCKING ADORABLE and I just have the hardest time comprehending how Taemin can be such a brooding God on stage and then be the biggest seal-clapping dork in real life. IT MAKES ME LOVE HIM EVEN MORE.  I love this part of their show where they’re touring the SHINee exhibit of the SMTown museum and the rest of SHINee keeps scolding him for touching everything.

    Give SHINee some love you guys, and help Jonghyun’s memory alive. <3

    Well, that’s pretty much all of the things that happened last week that are worth noting.

    Jun 012018
     

    Hey boy. Hey girl. It’s the end of another workweek and here are 5 photos & 5 bullets that I would like to share.

    On Tuesday, I was outside on my break and for one fleeting, frozen moment in time I thought I was about to get punched by some Yinzer-skinhead hybrid who glared straight at my face like he knew me and I wronged him and his whole white trash family, and just as I was beginning to cower against the side of the Benedum Center, he veered to his left and stalked away. IT WAS SO SCARY. And then the next day, another man gave me a flower for no reason (and not because he wanted money, like Henry the Callous D-Bag insinuated). You never know what you’re going to get here in downtown Pittsburgh, you guys. You just never know.

    We didn’t use the backporch at all over the winter because it was too cold and Henry the Tightwad wouldn’t buy a space heater (or A KEROSENE HEATER, like I really wanted) so we basically just kept that door shut for months. But now that it’s been consistently above 60 degrees, that room is being used almost primarily by the cats (this is their favorite room in the house!) but also this is where Henry sometimes eats his dinner, sitting in one of the wheelchairs, because I’m busy hogging the living room with my kpop cardio and I don’t want him to watch me (it’s different when we’re doing it together, OK?!). Anyway, I’m excited to start filling this room with plants again because I’m a sucker.

    Today, since it’s June 1st, I pulled out the next SHINee calendar for my desk area and was super excited to see that it’s TAEMIN for the month of June! I giddily hung it up and when Carrie turned around to tell me she wanted fruit salad, I gave the Taemin calendar my best Vanna White hand-flourish and said, “OK but look at this beautiful, perfect face!” and she was just like, “But…it’s not fruit.” Then a few minutes later, I thought she was walking by from behind me so I spun around in my seat to point out Taemin to her again, but it was someone else who I don’t know every well and we made eye contact while I was in mid-Vanna and then I slowly turned back toward my computer. Everyone there already thinks I’m weird, so it wasn’t a very big deal.

    Then I took a picture of it and emailed it to Glenn and Todd, my ex-neighbors, and Glenn said he didn’t realize how empty his life was.

    I went to Allegheny Coffee to get some ch-ch-chai and saw these wonderful tip jars and wished I had a buck to smash into the “or nah” vessel. Kenny Chesney plays here every summer at Heinz Field and brings alllllll the redneck riffraff to the yard. They trash the city, cause fights, piss and puke everywhere, get arrested. It’s just madness and I will be sure to avoid the entire downtown area tomorrow, thanks.

    Also, the barista told me I had lipstick on my teeth and I appreciated that.

    Then I saw this super tall guy on my way back and I was excited to take his picture. HE IS SO TALL. He had to have been 7 feet.

    Some other things from this week that I want to remember:

    • I made a new friend on KakaoTalk from Korea! He asked me how old I am and said he was surprised because he thought I was around his age (29!!) so he said, “You’re 누나 (noona)” which means, like, “older sister” and I was like, “Thank you, 친구 (chingu/friend) for not calling me 아줌마 (ajumma/middle-aged woman, or married woman with kids)!” This was a huge deal and I ran over to show Chooch who muttered, “Oh my god.”
    • Carrie got a small hole in the back of her dress today and no one had a safety pin so she was like, “Erin, will you staple this?” and I was already performing warm-up clicks of my stapler before she even had a chance to finish her sentence. And so I gave her dress three good staples and relished every moment because it was SO DANGEROUS and THRILLING. Lori said I had a scary devious look on my face. It was almost as exciting as the time Jeannie asked me to cut her hair during late shift! (Seriously, she put her hair in a ponytail and had me chop it off but she wouldn’t let me use my personal scissors that are stained with fake-blood; she provided her own.)
    • Speaking of Lori, she told me she went to the kpop section of iTunes and felt overwhelmed so I took it upon myself to (giddily) make her a list of some of my favorites, complete with legit footnotes. Then I almost emailed it to the wrong person but maybe she would have liked it too? Then my pal Valarie suggested that I do something like this for my blog because she would be interested in some recommendations and maybe other people would too, so then I thought maybe I could make a kpop101 playlist WOULD YOU LISTEN TO IT IF I DID Y OR N.
    • Oh shit I forgot to mention in my Memorial Day post that we went to Ulta and the thing I got (some Klorane hairspray shit) had a sign that said ANY KLORANE PURCHASE COMES WITH A FREE SOMETHING but I forget what the something was, some sample-sized of hair oil or something, and Henry was like, “Oh I am taking a picture of this with my phone for sure” and sure enough, we went up to pay and the young lavender-haired broad was like, “Thanks come again” as she handed the bag to Henry & Henry was like “where is my free gift” & the girl was like “???” so Henry pulls out his phone & is all “this sign here says I get a free gift, see” & I guess the sign was a mistake (so she says) but she still gave him some kind of manly body wash sample.
    • Our system was down again yesterday and Regina was like, “I wish [system] was a person—” and Carrie cut in to say, “Yeah, so we can punch it in the face!!!” And Regina slowly said, “Well, I was going to say so we could say encouraging things to it, but OK.” I dunno, I’m with Carrie. I would have roundhoused it in the balls after she punched it in the face.
    May 242018
     

    OMG do you guys remember that song by Jodeci called “Lately“?! It’s been in my head ever since I titled this dumb post. But anyway, life has been going at a nice, slow pace lately and I’ve been enjoying that, because after the mania of the walking challenge, I can definitely stand to slow it down a bit. (Only getting 15,000 steps a day like a regular person!)

    Here are just a few things I want to e-jot down for posterity. You know me and my sentimentality.

    • The biggest news right now is THE EMPTY HOUSE NEXT DOOR. So if you’re a Constant Reader (lol I always wanted to write that and I have no idea why), you know that we have had a string of Problem Neighbors living in the unit next to us and you also know that we live in a townhouse/duplex-type thing. So sharing a wall with assholes can pretty much make a life hell, you know? After the last ones left (on account of The Drug Raid), the landlord went in and cleaned it out; unlike Boots, they didn’t trash the place so he was able to plant the For Rent sign in the front yard with a quickness. I was not OK with this because it allowed the nightmares to start flowing in everynight like some sick Eli Roth rental property trilogy. I have no idea what I’m saying! But then Henry’s son Blake was like, “Hmm. Lemme look at this place” and so the landlord met Blake and Haley over there last week and it seemed like it was going to work out! They asked if there were other people interested and he was like, “Money talks” because that’s all that matters, background checks be damned. Anyway, B&H raced to get all the stuff together so that they could beat everyone else to the lease-signing while I dreamt of DUEL HOUSEHOLD DELUXE KPOPX NIGHTS and Henry and Haley starting a garden and all of us getting ice cream from the ice cream truck together even though the ice cream truck never comes down our street and when it does, it’s questionable and sketchy at best. Haley called him like a day later to see if it was still available because they were ready, and he was all, “Sorry, it’s taken” so we were all so pissed! “Blake and Haley are probably too upstanding, that’s why! They’re not ex-convicts!” I cried to Henry and then the nightmares came back even stronger because now I knew that I was getting neighbors in a week or two and I was a nervous wreck over it. But then! The landlord contacted Blake on Friday and was like, “So, are we meeting up or?” and Blake was like, “You literally just told my fiancee that the place was rented” and the landlord was all, “Oh, I guess I didn’t realize that’s who I was talking to.” Oh for God’s sake. Anyway, this is a lot of words just to say that BLAKE AND HALEY AND CALVIN ARE MOVING NEXT DOOR TO US THIS WEEKEND! And Chooch and I already left them a surprise:

    Welcome home. 

    • Speaking of home, Henry and I have several fun (lol, for me, not for him) projects we’re working on (we’re re-doing the coffee table, for one!) and by that I mean he kind of started it and I keep nagging him about it everyday. #TerribleGirlfriend But I did get him to hang some stuff up over the weekend and I did that by using the strategy where I start small, like, “Can you hang this one thing on the wall just this one thing only. One. Uno. 하나.” And then when he’s done hanging that one thing, he turns around and I’m all, “Surprise here are 8 more things, might as well just do it while the hammer’s out” and then (after he predictably mimics hitting me with the hammer) 5 minutes later Chooch has a gallery wall that he completely won’t even notice. I call this story “Sunday.” Could I do this myself? SURE. Do I want to? NO.

    I really needed that Wicker Man to be hung. I made it last October when I was decortating at work and I was going to toss it afterward but Chooch, who had recently become entralled with the Wicker Man, wanted to keep it, but then it was just leaning against his wall all these months and I’m sorry but TAKE BETTER CARE OF THAT THING says the broad who was just going to pitch it anyway. So now that’s hung, and the Where’s Negan print that Henry got for him two Christmases ago I think, and the adorable Red Velvet picture he had taken at SMTown in Korea:

    Chooch likes art, which makes me happy.

    • OMG tomorrow something is going on with the  trolley where I have to take it the opposite direction to some other stop and then SWITCH and I am so distraught and nervous about this. I almost asked Lauren if she would switch with me so I can work late shift tomorrow from home and not have to worry about it but I have lunch plans that I would have to cancel and I don’t want to dooooooo thaaaaaaaat. I am so stressed out! You know how I am with the trolley.
      • Speaking of, today I’m on late shift so I took the trolley into town with the unsavories and immediately some broad sat behind and started shouting into her phone about her dog’s poop and how she can’t get him on a good schedule and she loves her roommates but they’re not fucking help. She had Yinzer Voice so I was not sympathetic to her plight.
    • I’m awful and haven’t started sending any Greetings from Erin’s Lunch Break post cards yet because right after I kickstarted that campaign again, the weather turned shitty and then I became consumed by the Walking Challenge. I vow to start next week for real! I’m going to buy postcards on Tuesday. YOU’LL SEE. But since I’m not starting yet, I can spare a lunch break tale for you today: WHILE ON MY LUNCH BREAK (that’s how Lunch Break Tales start), I was walking back toward my building when I heard super loud, Crimes of Passion-level cries and then before I could swivel, I was walking right into a domestic dispute. For a split second, I was caught up in it, the third wheel on the Jerry Springer Show, accidentally blocking their vicious insults about I GAVE UP MY PUSSY FOR YOU (??) and TELL YOUR GRANDMA I DON’T WANT YOU! (ok) with my unfortunately-placed body until I was finally able to hot-step it the fuck out of there. There was quite a crowd gathering at this point because nothing like a good ol’ rumble between scorned lovers to bring society together. Eventually, a cop moseyed his way over and was like, “OK, you can’t do this here” so then they were yelling AT HIM about EACH OTHER just as, I shit you not, a FUCKING SEGWAY TOUR ROLLED UP ON THE DRAMA like the whitest motherfucking mother duck and her white-ass chicks, and they all turned their dorky helmet-clad heads in unison toward the trashy quarrel, all these white middle-aged people in their Dockers and polos, and I just lost it. It was the funniest juxtaposition I’ve see in a while.
    • BTS is back in Korea which means all the GOOD comeback stages are happening so we can actually see the choreo. The MNET ones are on YouTube already and I feel so blessed to come home from work to this. I LOVE J-HOPE’S PURPLE HIGHLIGHTS.

    I know I had more to say but now I’m distracted and need to watch BTS’s comeback show again. HEY, IT’S MY LIFE, OK.

    May 182018
     

    I had a whole different thing that I planned on writing today since I had the morning off but then BTS released their new album and an MV so I’ve been up since like 5am obsessing over that (my cat Penelope woke me up at 5 by screaming at her cat carrier, and at first I was super pissed but then I squinted at my phone and screamed OOOOH BTS! So that’s been my day so far aside from, you know, working.

    So here are 5 things, I guess.

    1. Um, BTS. Le Duh. Here is there new video for Fake Love but my favorite song so far is Paradise so I’m including that too. There’s also a song that has his subtle background jazz that reminds me of something I would have heard in the 80s eating at Blue Flame with my Pappap, like some Chuck Mangione vibes, like some backing track for Boz Scaggs, so the nostalgia claws hard at the heart on that one. Most importantly though: no Desiigner and no full-English songs so I’m content! I’m even more excited to see them in September now!

    https://youtu.be/7C2z4GqqS5E

    2. I had the dreaded wellness exam thing at work on Wednesday which I already mentioned on here because this blog is basically a junk drawer of scattered thoughts at this point but I didn’t tell you that the guy doing my exam was in town for this from Cleveland and I was like OH I LIKE CLEVELAND because I do and so this made me feel inspired to Small Talk. I asked him if he’s done anything fun while he’s been here and he stopped and looked at me. “Well, I’m talking to you,” he said and I was like OH WOW JEEZ DO U PUT CORN ON ALL YR JOKES. But then of course I spent the rest of the day wondering if this was actually an insult?! Like, he could be doing something fun but instead he’s talking to me while squeezing blood* out of my finger? Anyway, ambiguous pick-up line/insult aside, this was the first time since HAVING A BABY that my BMI was in the “normal” range. I still think BMI is bullshit though.

    3. *Speaking of blood, here’s a Fun Fact: the word for blood in Korean in 피 – pee. It took some getting used to when I was watching dramas and they’re screaming PEE! PEE! at murder scenes.

    4. Henry and I had a HUGE fight about Boyz II Men in the car the other day. I realized I had never listened to the new Charlie Puth album on account of his singing in English so I pulled it up on Spotify and said, “Oh, he has a song with Boyz II Men!” so I put it on and almost immediately made some joyful comment about how good Boyz II Men sound with Le Charles and Henry said something about how they weren’t even singing yet and I was like “THE SONG LITERALLY STARTS WITH THEM SINGING?!!!” and Henry was like, “Oh well how could anyone even tell that was them, they weren’t even singing words yet” and I was like, “BECAUSE THAT’S LITERALLY THEIR SIGNATURE HARMONIZING SOUND?!!?” Oh my god, get the fuck out of my car, boy.

    5. Well, I guess I’ll conclude with an update on what you have all been waiting for (lol jk) – my team ended up finishing in 4th place Firmwide, which is actually a pretty big feat considering there were over 40 teams and we essentially only had 3 people on our team while everyone else had 4. Carrie and I were fuming though when it was finally revealed who was on the winning team because THERE IS NO WAY. Also, if I had registered as an individual, I’d have been in second place. BUT WHO’S KEEPING SCORE HAHAHAHAhahahahaha sob.

    5.5 Here’s a REAL TIME bonus one for you. Right after posting this, I got up to walk away from the computer and SOMEONE (Henry) left the fucking tray open on the printer so I walked into it and it scraped my thigh which hurt because I’m wearing shorts so I went on a tirade about how Henry ruins my life and then I looked down and noticed that A WELT was forming on my thigh and so I said, “It looks just like the time I was holding a Sparkler and bent down to pick up a frog and—” at which point Henry cut me off and said, “I’m sorry, WHAT? How do those two words even go in the same sentence” and I was like, “Bitch let me finish and you’ll understand, it’s not that crazy” and I told him about the time I was a kid and I was holding a lit Sparkler and then saw a frog on the sidewalk and said “ooh frog” and bent over to pick it up, forgetting that I was holding a Sparkler and the Sparkler scraped into my thigh and since it was, you know, LIVE, it left a scar on my leg for quite some time, but sadly, it eventually faded, and it was here at this point that I realized Henry was doing the “laughing so hard nothing is coming out” laugh and I’m offended. He said it’s one of the best stories I’ve told him and I don’t think he means that in a nice way. :(

    I’ll leave you with this adorbs picture of Calvin who is cultivating a love of clowns at a very young age, much to his mom’s chagrin! (Oh don’t worry, I’ll be back tomorrow with a zillion pictures of Korea.)

    May 142018
     

    We’ll start this party with an obliggy keyboard kitty.

    • Henry and I took a leisurely stroll through Brookline Sunday morning which is the least he could do since I made my own breakfast on Mother’s Day (confetti waffles, bitches, and don’t get too excited because they were the toaster kind). Walking down the Boulevard almost always offers some form of entertainment, whether it’s the old man who totes his 1980s boombox around with him in a backpack and dances on the sidewalk1 or watching Yinzers yell at each other outside of Zippy’s and then you get closer and realize they’re not actually mad, their voices just sound that way from all the cigarettes and hard Pittsburgh-living. First, I pointed out the creepy Jesus picture that was a curious part of the window display at Jo’s Salon. “Isn’t that the same one we have in our bathroom?” Henry observed, trying to keep up with the word count I had already set for our walking conversation. “No! That’s SEXY Jesus! Duh.” And Henry mumbled, “Sorry.” Moment later, a fire truck was pulling out of the station, so traffic stopped to allow for this to happen, obviously. This is probably one of the things they teach in Drivers Ed. “Yield to Fire Trucks.” I don’t know. But of course there was that ONE CAR who was so pissed that no one was moving, so the driver just laid on the horn. Like, relentlessly. He could have actually had had a heart attack at the wheel and was slumped over, for all we knew, but instead everyone on the sidewalk was super pissed at this overzealous display of pushiness. One guy walked by and said, “The Jagoff2 Convention must have let out early” and I just started cracking up so bad because what a perfect representation of Pittsburgh, if ever there was.
      • SIDE BAR1: I was on my lunch break a few weeks ago, standing at the curb waiting for the light to change, when suddenly, “GLORIA! GLORIA! i THINK THEY GOT YOUR NUMBER! GLORIA!” was blasting in my ear. I looked to my right and sure enough, there was Brookline Dancer, dancing in place next to me on Liberty Avenue! What a joy to see him downtown!
      • SIDEBAR2: Jagoff is Pittsburghese for “jack off” or “douchebag.” I am such a teacher.
    • I got KCON tickets for Chooch and me on Friday!  It was yet another Ticketmaster clusterfuck and I really wish someone would find a way to destroy them because $50 service fees?! Go fuck yourself, Ticketmaster.  So, I’m going to be living That Cloistered Life for the next couple of months, but it will be worth it because I get to see Pentagon! I’ve been so obsessed with them lately and I even made Carrie watch one of their videos at work last week. I sit behind her now and I was holding my breath while she watched it because I half-expected her to be like THIS IS DUMMM like my OLD NEIGHBORS did. But instead, she said, “Not gonna lie, that was pretty cute. They are pretty adorable. And it has a good beat!” You know what I said? I very calmly and seriously said, “Thank you.” Because I wrote, directed, produced, and sang on that shit, obviously. And choreographed it too. I already posted the subject video on here, but here is an acoustic version of it that they just performed on a music countdown show last week! I LOVE THEM THEY’RE SUCH LITTLE ANGEL BABIES.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VV1L7AmEkcs

    • Henry recently found out that my mom still cooks for my brother even though he doesn’t live at home anymore, and I just started cracking up because it could not be any more clearer that my brother and I are related. In my mom’s defense for not forcing us to learn how to cook, I brought up the fact that my dad used to make me clean the house all of the time because I guess he thought it was going to make me turn into a good wife for someone someday, but instead it just made me hate cleaning so now I never do it because, again, I hate cleaning. “Maybe he was just trying to teach you how to live independently!” Henry cried in disbelief of my casual dismissal of this whole thing.
    • Last Friday on the trolley, some broad started clipping her nails. I know, right. Immediately, like even faster than I was able to realize that human bits were being clipped, the guy across from her said, in the most Kevin from The Office way, “That’s really gross.” So she said, “YEAH WELL I HAVE A MEETING” (bitch, ok, so?) and then HE said, “You couldn’t do that at home?” So SHE said, “NO I HAVE 3 JOBS AND IF YOU WOULD MIND YOUR BUSINESS I’D APPRECIATE IT” and he calmly monotoned, “OK” and then she continued to clip her nails. I ALMOST SAT IN FRONT OF HER TOO. I still think about that, to this day (three days later).
      • Also, I doubt she has three jobs but OK, I exaggerate a lot too when I’m in a public confrontation. BITCH WHATCHU LOOKING AT I JUST GOT OUTTA JAILLLLLLLL.

    I call this “RIP My Feet.” Would you believe people used to buy my art?

    • Yesterday was the last day of the Walking Challenge, you guys! I managed to get 30,000 steps every day during the final week except for last Monday, where I only got 27,000 (as previously mentioned.) This morning, it felt so great to not immediately put myself in walking mode, and I quietly wept with joy as I ate my breakfast, in a seated position. But then things took a turn. Carrie was entering her steps for this last week and realized she missed a day earlier on in the competition. No, I don’t mean that she crashed out in a gin bath for an entire day and accumulated zero steps, I mean that she just “somehow” missed entering her steps for one day. I was internally fuming about this. WHAT A DUM-DUM! I was thinking in my head while concocting different ways to humiliate her when the results come in tomorrow and we’re even further down in the standings. Maybe I could start calling her Lou Jr.? New Lou? But then something inside me, some niggling sensation of paranoia, made me check my own steps and sure enough I MISSED A DAY TOO! 4/20 TO BE EXACT AND NO IT WASN’T BECAUSE I WAS TOO BUSY FLOATING ON A CLOUD WITH MILEY CYRUS. We have to manually type in our steps on some confusing firm-provided page thing and I guess I just didn’t go back far enough on the first week. And then I realized, “THE FIRST WEEK?!” That’s the week that the Top #25 Mini Challenge happened and I came in 4th overall for individual walkers, so I went back and looked at the numbers AND I WOULD HAVE BEEN IN 3RD. Motherfucker!! Carrie pointed out that it was moot because the prize was still the same regardless, and she’s right but UGH CITY! I wanted to fucking scream into a pillow! But then I started crazy-laughing because think about it — I missed entering a 20,000-step day AND STILL PLACED and MY TEAM WAS STILL IN 3RD THAT WEEK! So, I guess that’s kind of cool. I’m still mad at myself though. I was bitching about my snafu to another co-worker by the bathroom when Sandy walked by and just started laughing because I AM CONSUMED and she knows it and if we’re being honest here, SHE EGGS ME ON.  This challenge can fuck off. I’m going back into retirement.
      • Now that I think about it, really sounds like my team was sabotaged.
    • Today, I got a news alert that Margot Kidder died so I texted my brother Ryan and said, “Wasn’t it a Margot Kidder autobiography that you were holding in one of the Evil Bastard scenes?” and Ryan said, “Oh wow, I usually have a good memory for that kinda stuff but I have no idea lol. I forgot about the Evil Bastard videos” and I AM SO OFFENDED. NO SCRATCH THAT, I’M BETRAYED. “The Many Ways To Kill An Evil Bastard” was like, my crowning cinematic achievement in high school and Ryan was the main lead!  Um, let’s just say it’s a good thing YouTube wasn’t around in the 90s or my 11th grade English teacher would have been even more mad about that scene in my group’s Longfellow video presentation where I spoofed her getting thrown off her horse, which is a real thing that happened, she was thrown from a horse, and in one scene of our video, I wrapped bloody gauze around my head and knee, borrowed crutches from a friend, and hobbled down the hallway moaning about how all I wanted to do was read some Longfellow but then I got thrown off my horse instead AND SHE WAS SO MAD ABOUT IT!? Everyone in the class was all “hahahaha” and she was all “F F F F F F.”
      • See also: this is how I learned that I can’t walk with crutches.

    And we’ll end with this quote that I jotted down in here last week because I didn’t want to forget and planned on elaborating, but now I can’t remember what Henry and I were talking about because all I can remember from the past several weeks is the sound of my feet hitting the floor.

    “I’ll put an ad in the paper. ‘Must —‘”

    “Be Korean?!” I interjected.

    “‘–pay your own way‘,” Henry finished with a frown.

    I think I wanted to go somewhere and he said he didn’t want to go? I mean, that could be anywhere, literally.

    Mar 162018
     

    I officially have less than a week to get through before vacation and it’s been dra-hahahahaha-gging. I’ve been doing very little lately in order to conserve energy and money for our trip, but here is a round-up of pictures and mediocre points of interest.

    • Drew and Penelope’s condo has a big addition now and HENRY ACTUALLY HELPED! Here’s what happened: Chooch brought up this large box from the basement and I suggested that he connect it to the main part of their estate with a large circle opening (not shown, this is just a small window that Drew’s peeking out of). Well, this turned into A Thing because Chooch was all, “MY PROTRACTOR ISN’T THAT BIG” and we were like “WHAT TO DO WHAT TO DO” so Henry sighed his “goddammit” sigh, disappeared into the basement and re-emerged with an actual power saw-thing!! Henry put on his construction-pants and helped make the Cat Estate Great Again, we couldn’t believe our eyes! Anyway, after he made a same-sized opening in both boxes (which, had I done it, they would have been way different circumferences and probably not even near each other), and then decided that he was sick of Chooch using all of his duct tape so he went to Lowe’s and got these plastic things to hold the boxes together! So now only part of their house looks like a hobo built it!

    • Remember how my neighbor got arrested last week? WELL GUESS WHAT. I was on my lunch break walk on Wednesday, getting ready to cross the street by the Westin, when WHO WALKED PAST ME BUT TED!!!! I was on the phone with Henry and started saying, “OMGOMGOMG” in a very huminahumina-type of way. We made eye contact and then he kept walking so I was like, “DOES HE HONESTLY RECOGNIZE ME AFTER ALL OF THOSE FRIENDLY NEIGHBOR-WAVES WE SHARED?!” but I think he was purposely avoiding me. He was walking into town with papers in his hand, so Henry said maybe he was going to meet his lawyer? He apparently posted bail and has a hearing next week, but he hasn’t been back home as far as we know since everything happened last week. His car hasn’t moved, however!! The broad was back yesterday. Henry said she was very quiet over there, although Chooch said he heard her going up and down the steps. She came and left twice so our assumption is that she was getting her stuff? She better leave and never come back, that snitch!

    • I had dinner with Barb at Amel’s the other night and it was awesome as usual! I miss seeing her and talking to her everyday — I can’t believe it’s been three years since she left the law firm! Anyway, my favorite part of the night was when she was showing me her Pinterest full of potential hairstyles and we spent a good minute looking at this one she had pinned which was so wild! It was a really cool fauxhawk in an unnatural silver/platinum color. “Yeah, I really like it a lot too,” Barb said, half-convinced that this was going to be her Hairstyle of Tomorrow, before slowly realizing that she wasn’t showing me the right pins. She eventually found the right ones, which were all great too, but now I’m sad that Barb isn’t getting a metallic silver lady fauxhawk. :(
      • Runner-up moment: when we fell down the Salem rabbit hole and talked about Days of Our Lives for 20 minutes.

    • For at least a year, Chooch has been hounding Henry for a neck pillow because he’s a geriatric pre-teen. (“I can’t walk any farther because my hip hurts,” is an actually complaint he gives from time to time.) We went to Target last weekend and he FINALLY got his damn neck pillow which came with a bonus sleep mask. Also, it’s from Love, Taza which made me laugh because she’s such an obnoxious blogger with like 79 separate forums on GOMI (Barb, before you ask, that stands for “Get Off My Internet”). Chooch walks around the house with it around his shoulders. He’s such a diva.

    • I made the bed the other day and it was such a big Suzy Homemaker accomplishment for me that I took a picture because I knew it wouldn’t last long since we live like college kids. And then I started to laugh because NOTHING IN OUR HOUSE MATCHES. I like it that way, but I can only imagine the anxiety it would cause for other people. Our pillow cases not only don’t match the comforters, but they don’t match each other either, lol. Can you guess which one is Henry’s? NOT THE BANANAS. Henry lays his precious head down on pretty hearts and skulls.

    • Chooch and I have been desperately trying to get Henry to power-up to a cooler wardrobe…OK but not even so much “cool” as “less lame and logo-oriented.” Almost all of his shirts are from work so he’s a walking beverage advert. We wanted him to at least just get better-fitting jeans and some normal shirts to take to Korea but he’s like, “I WILL WEAR WHAT I WANT” so basically he’s going to be an American ahjussi, which is fine. You do you, Hank. But then I started cracking up imagining him starting a new “middle-age beverage warehouse manager” fashion trend in Korea. All the young kids out there wearing dad jeans, dirty white New Balances, and Faygo t-shirts. Oh, what a sight!

    There was a bird out there mocking them.

    • I think Penelope’s lip got cut in one of her battles with Drew. They don’t like, HATE EACH OTHER, but they definitely don’t go out of their way to hang out together, either. And I think Drew gets mad because in her head, she’s the alpha but Penelope never backs down and if she’s even a little bit afraid of Drew, she certainly doesn’t show it!

    • We went to the nearly-closed down mall last week so I could get new shoes (it was a fail – I bought a pair of furry Pumas from their juniors line and didn’t realize until I had already trekked through most of downtown in the them on Monday that they’re TOO BIG, a pair of fucking KIDS SHOES. I was flopping around like a clown out there!). Anyway, I took this picture of the main entrance area of the mall because it’s so goddamn sad and you would honestly think it’s abandoned just from this view. They have a small Easter area set up and I was like, “CHOOCH LET’S GET YOUR PICTURE TAK—–OMG IS THE EASTER BUNNY SLEEPING IN THE CHAIR?!” but Chooch snapped, “That’s a STUFFED ANIMAL.” Sorry, my eyes are not great! Also, anything’s possible at Century III Mall and a passed-out Easter bunny seems pretty apropos.

    • My favorite thing to do with Drew is play hide and seek. She gets so concerned when she suddenly can’t find! Usually, I’m just holding a pillow in front of my face or crouching down behind a dining room chair. She’ll start meowing loudly until she finds me, and then we’ll just stare at each and she cries louder. It’s so weird and fun. For someone who is so worried that I vanished, she never fucking cuddles with me!!

    • Lori sent me a link from Time Magazine about how G-Dragon is getting so many emails sent to him at his military base that it shut down the servers. I forwarded it along to some of my other co-workers because I like it when I get the chance to show them that G-Dragon is so famous that THERE ARE SOME AMERICAN OUTLETS that recognize his fame. Amber replied, “How many emails did you send him, Erin!??!” A valid question! But even though I had the info, I swear to god I didn’t send any! I really wanted to, though.
      • We talk a good bit about the mandatory military enlistments at work, and I showed some of my co-workers the above (and adorable) photo of GD with his new military peeps, and that’s when we realized that I too was dressed like I was enlisting in the military which had me cracking up because it was 100% unintentional! I don’t take many full-body mirror pics, but this was an exception!

    On that note, let’s end with a BIGBANG. Since 4/5 of them are now enlisted in the military, I’ve been taking comfort in all of the live performances they have on YouTube. What did we do before YouTube, you guys!? Between that and Roku, I barely ever turn on the regular TV. (Although I did fall asleep to CNN Tuesday night thanks to that fucking Special Election in Western PA that I couldn’t vote in because it wasn’t my dumb district, whatever that means.) Right, so…here’s a video of one of their live performances from 2015. A quick explanation: it starts out with “Crayon,” a G-Dragon solo song, but instead of GD, the other members of BIGBANG come out one by one and sing it before G-Dragon finally appears for the beginning of “Fantastic Baby.” This entire performance makes me so happy! You should watch it.

    I know, it seems crazy that I went from listening to screamo and post-hardcore almost exclusively, but the charisma of BIGBANG is really hard to ignore. Even with all of those other bands that I have loved for years, I never really knew any of the members, but with BIGBANG (and a lot of kpop groups), there are five very distinct personalities there and the more you learn about each one, the harder it is to have a favorite (although it will always be G-Dragon for me!). Their performances are nutso and even though they might be going silent for the next two years, they will still be the fucking kings of kpop. Legends.

    Mar 022018
     

    Fransssss, it was another low-key, chill weekend and I’m not mad about it. Shit’s gonna be nuts here in a few weeks so I might as well get all the relaxing in now! So here are some pictures and the bare minimum amount of words to describe the final weekend of the emotional roller coaster known as February. I’m so glad to say farewell to it. I’m also throwing in some other crap in this post to consolidate my memories.

    • Chooch and I went for a walk after I was done working my late shift on Friday, so I guess that’s the first thing that happened last weekend? I took this picture of Jo’s Salon on the walk. I LIVE DANGEROUSLY. Remember when I used to invite strangers into my house right off the street? Pales in comparison to my current reckless ways of life.
    • Saturday was good! I went to Patty’s and we watched “Don’t Look in the Basement” (I nervously found myself relating to every character) and “Hobo With a Shotgun” which was scary because I could completely see this being our country’s future thanks to Trump and the unsavories that have been crawling out of the gutter since his inauguration. It made me really uncomfortable to watch (so clearly it succeeded in its mission!) and then there was a scene where Disco Inferno was playing so that was in my head all week. THANKS PATTY! Oh, Patty also served me Kool-Aid and it was the first time in fucking years that I’ve had Kool-Aid so that was awesome! Now I want to have a horror-movie watching dates with Patty more often. It’s hard to find people to watch horror movies with anymore!
      • LOL, but then later that night, I conned Henry into watching The Wailing with me so it was a good horror movie day. Horror movies are literally the only movies I ever give a shit about watching and I’m so sad that The Hollywood Theater down the street has a new owner because they were so good about showing really great indie horror movies and I could walk there at my convenience and not deal with douchebags on dates.
      • I dunno why I said that. There are douchebags all over, on dates or alone. THIS COUNTRY IS FULL OF THEM.
      • I AM SUPER BITTER.

    • Fucking around with my dumb hair before work one day. This is the size frames I’ve been searching for!  Brett Somers-style goal for life.
    • Chooch and I struggled to get through the last 3 episodes of The Walking Dead in order to be caught up for the mid-season premiere on Sunday and then I realized we couldn’t watch it then anyway because the Olympics closing ceremonies were on and of course I had to grudgingly watch the American broadcast dork it all up. Annnnd they did! Come on guys, two weeks wasn’t enough time to teach yourselves how to pronounce PyeongChang? I read Korean news sites and one of them had an article about that very topic during the first week of the Olympics. Like, it’s your fucking job as a journalist/reporter/commentator to KNOW HOW TO PRONOUNCE SHIT. CL was great, but I actually thought that EXO’s performance was a little bit lacking, only because I have seen them do sooo much more. But my favorite part was seeing someone I know in real life tweeting shit like, “I have no idea what they’re saying” – wow,  so superior. English is #1, right? Speak English or GTFO, right? Ah, Trump’s America. I mean, they were singing in Korean because they’re a Korean pop group and they were performing at the Olympics which were being held….IN KOREA. I just felt so disgusted that I actually know someone in real life who is that ignorant. Girl, bye.
    • But back to The Walking Dead – I’m so glad we got all caught up and pulled back in just for them to RIP OUR FUCKING HEARTS OUT. Ugh…no spoilers, don’t worry, but speaking of spoilers I have no idea how either of us managed to make it this far without hearing or reading a single thing about how the midseason finale ended.

    • Drew’s expression constantly. It’s always like she’s experiencing something for the first time and OMG WHAT IS BEHIND THIS DOOR THAT I WALKED THROUGH A BILLION TIMES BEFORE?!
    • The other day at work, Lauren got up from her desk and immediately tripped over a plastic bag and I started laughing really hard because people tripping is hilarious and she was like, “I WAS COMING OVER TO SEE YOU, TOO!” and that just made it even better because I was indirectly responsible for the bag-tripping.
    • Last night, I dreamt that I was hanging out with my friend Casandra at a pool and I was startled at first because she didn’t have arms or boobs but then I thought to myself, “Wait Erin, you know that she got a double arm amputation and mastectomy for political reasons, duh” and also her friend was with us but she only had ONE arm amputated because I guess she wasn’t as much of a political protester as Casandra. But yeah, then it wasn’t weird anymore.
      • Speaking of dreaming about friends with interestingly-modified appearances, I also dreamt last week that Lauren (the bag-tripper) came into work wearing these HUGE Louis Vuitton-print eyebrow stickers. I mean they were so fucking big and took up most of her forehead but no one thought it looked weird except for me, I guess. I bet they cost like $300 too.
    • Here’s a series called Take Your Cat to School Day (WOW THIS BLOG POST IS A FUCKING SMORGASBORD OF TOPICS):

    • I was watching some vlog about how blood donation centers in Seoul give people medals after a certain number of donations and first I was like, “Nope not even for a medal” because I can’t even barely THINK about donating blood without feeling woozy (like literally my wrists feel 진짜 sensitive right now, ugh) but then there are people like Amber who I swear are donating every time I turn around. So I started thinking about Amer walking around Seoul with a bunch of medals dripping of her neck, Olympian Mr. T-style. I told her about that today and Glenn mumbled, “Isn’t it fascinating how her mind works.” Oh whatever, Glenn will miss these random observations when I get my desk moved later this month!
    • Speaking of Glenn, I ran into some religious zealot handing out Jesus pamphlets near my building, so I giddily flashed it at everyone when I came back inside and sing-songed, “I’ve been saved again, you guys!” This made me remember that the last time I was saved, I filled out the back page with Glenn’s address and mailed it back  to the fly-by-night “church” after looking up his address on our department emergency contact page, despite Todd and Amber muttering stuff about how they didn’t think I should be doing that. Anyway, I forgot allll about it so I asked him the other day, very innocently, if he ever received anything “weird”  in the mail and he was like, “What, why…” and as I started to tell him, he stopped and said, “Yeah, actually, you know, what? I DID get something weird in the mail, more than once, and it was HAND-WRITTEN.” Haha yesssss.

    Well, I can’t sit still for any longer so this is all you get. Well, this and J-Hope’s new MV. He’s my BTS bias and his new mixtape makes me love him even more!

    Feb 252018
     

    Last week was long, weird, and sad. It was also the anniversary of my Pappap’s death and I just didn’t want to deal with anything. But, life goes on and it’s time to close the book on that chapter! So here’s some notable things of the last several days, kind of notable, sort of notable, who cares — here’re some words.

    • Henry and Chooch went to the store Tuesday night and when they came back, I noticed that they were stopped on the sidewalk by Hot Naybor Chris. I was watching from the window, because I’m That Neighbor, almost peeing my pants with anticipation. WHAT WERE THEY TALKING ABOUT?! I accosted Henry before he was even all the way over the threshold (YOU KNOW, THOSE THINGS THAT BRIDES ARE CARRIED OVER, NOT LIKE I WOULD KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THAT). In a very casual way, Henry shrugged and said, “I don’t know, he was asking me if I’ve seen his garbage.” RECORD SCRATCH. HOLD UP WAIT A MINUTE. I had to press Henry for more information and apparently, Chris said when he left the house that morning, the garbagemen hadn’t picked up yet, so everyone’s garbage was still sitting on their lawns….EXCEPT FOR HNC’S!!! He was asking Henry if he saw it because Henry leaves for work at like 3:30AM, but Henry doesn’t normally make a point to see if everyone’s garbage is accounted for. I know, weird. This whole situation made me super excited. WHO STOLE HNC’S GARBAGE AND WHY!? According to HNC, his garbage was nothing special, just actual garbage. Mystery on Pioneer!
    • I finally made business cards for my new Kpop card shop and I love them! I gave some to some of my co-workers (not Glenn because he would just ridicule it) and I was happy that people were interested! Amber even asked me to tell her who all the people are on it and then she wrote their names above them. And then I gave one each to Nate and Ethan and we had a spirited conversation about Kpop and they’re considering dressing as Kpop idols for Halloween this year. (But, you know, probably not.)

    • I was off work on Wednesday, for no good reason but I’m trying to actually use my days before the “end of the year PTO crunch” where I’m rushed to take off random days so I don’t lose them. I usually don’t like taking a day off if I don’t have something to do, but I’m trying to get used to it. I expected to have a quiet day of kdramas, exercise, perhaps some card-designing, but then later that morning, the sirens started. I was unfazed at first because: Brookline. But then it kept going on for a solid 10 minutes and no matter which window I poked my head out of, Wack-A-Mole style, I couldn’t tell which direction the commotion was coming from.  There were so many firetrucks, etc, that it was surround sound. I called Henry at work because he’s the Prince of Police Scanners, but he was all, “I’M BUSY, ERIN. I’M AT WORK.” The cacophony eventually began to fizzle out, so  finished getting dressed and then set off on my walk to to Dormont post office because I refuse to deal with MAUREEN at the one closer to me. Suck it, ahjummah. As I was walking down my street, a firetruck came barrelling past me, kicking up all kind of dust and debris into my face. My eyes were screaming for a bit, and I talked myself out of writing a letter to the mayor by reminding myself that the firetruck was en route to probably put out an actual fire, so I SHOULD LET IT GO. God, this whole “training to play the part of a rational adult” is really grating my nerves.  I turned left onto West Liberty Ave and after a block of walking, MORE firetrucks roared by, these ones were from Mt. Lebanon. “Oh my, I wonder what’s going on,” some old broad said right as I was passing her on the sidewalk, so I slowed my roll and we talked for a bit about how we hoped it wasn’t a tragedy, and then I looked over my shoulder just in time to see the firetrucks TURN ONTO THE STREET THAT BLAKE LIVES ON. I called Henry ASAP and started screaming at him to call Blake. His half-assed response was that Blake was at work and OK. So I went to the post office and stopped to grab an iced latte at Dunkin’ Dunuts, but I just wasn’t satisfied with Henry’s lame response, so I walked down Blake’s street AND HELLO, THERE WERE EMERGENCY VEHICLES PARKED ALL ALONG THE BLOCK WHERE BLAKE AND HALEY’S BUILDING IS!? Part of the street was even blocked off! So I was like, “FUCK YOU HENRY I’M GOING IN!” and I knocked urgently on Blake’s door. Haley answered it and wasn’t covered in burning cinders, so that was a good sign. She said she and Calvin were fine, but apparently a house at the bottom of their hill was on fire, but she hadn’t seen any smoke. I mean, there were so many fire trucks from all over, it was apocalyptic. Even the NEWS CREW was there, so that’s how you know it was a big deal. So, that was about 457945798425 extra words to say that there was a fire near Blake and Haley but they are OK. You’re welcome for the reading exercise.
      • Also, thank god they live literally 1 minute from my house and I can POP IN WHENEVER I WANT.
        • Just kidding. I’m one mass shooting away from agoraphobia so I rarely pop in on anyone and please don’t pop in on me, either.
        • I wish we could go back to less scary times, like when everyone thought there were staples in Thin Mints. :(
    • After the passing of Jonghyun last December, this Seoul-based ring company re-released these commemorative rings that they made after Jonghyun’s first solo win on Music Core (a weekly music countdown show). There’s a soundwave of his voice engraved on the ring, from when he said, “Thank you, SHINee. Thank SHINees’ parents for giving lives to us. I love you, SHINee World.” I had to buy one, and it feels like I’m carrying a piece of him with me. I never take it off my finger.

    • In other Kpop news, GOT7 announced the dates for their world tour and Chooch and I desperately want to see them in Toronto this July but Henry hasn’t been convinced yet, and if we do this, then we probably definitely can’t do KCON in June, ugh I hate not having all of the money!

    • Here’s a picture of Drew and me, but don’t get it twisted: she’s only near me because her container of treats is right there. Ugh.
    • I finally upgraded phones. I had one of those beat iPhones with the degenerate batteries. I would leave my house with a 100% charge, walk 10 minutes to the trolley without even taking it out of my pocket, and it would be at 50%. Then, if I had the audacity to actually text or read the news on the 25 minute ride to work, my phone would be dead by the time I got downtown. Especially on really cold days! Henry thought I was making it up until all the articles came out awhile back, exposing Apple. Rather than go through the hassle of getting a replacement battery, I just upgraded to an 8 a few months early. THIS MEANT I GOT TO GET A NEW PHONE CASE AND YOU KNOW HOW SERIOUSLY I TAKE MY PHONE CASES! So I retired my obnoxious “eye-rolling forever” case (which is totally apropos because I can’t tell you how many times I get yelled at for rolling my eyes, esp. at work) for another obnoxious phone case:

    • Upgrading my phone meant that Chooch got my sloppy seconds. He knew that my phone was being delivered on Tuesday, so when he woke up that morning, the first thing he said was, “I GET A NEW PHONE TODAY!” New to him, I guess. He doesn’t have an actual plan, but he likes to use my old, garbage iPhones for game-playing purposes.
      • Late that night, I got a phone call from someone in Etna, PA. I didn’t answer because it was almost midnight and I figured it was probably a wrong number because friends don’t call friends anymore, like ew. But then I got a text that said, “Hey. Is this Erin?” and then I started panicking for clearly someone must have died if I’m getting phone calls and texts at midnight. I went upstairs and woke up Henry and as I started telling him this, Chooch called out from his room, “That was just me!” because he always gets those free phone numbers on my old phones and I should have fucking known this!!!
      • Friday night, he was still setting up his phone and I asked, “Do you have Janna’s number in there yet?” He didn’t so I gave it to him. “I’m going to text her and tell her to play Roblox,” he laughed, because she gets so annoyed when he hounds her about that. “WAIT!” I cried. “You should prank her first.” And that is how we spent an hour of our Friday night, sending Janna creepy texts, texting her her address, sending her the man silhouette emoji, etc etc. Then Chooch called her and breathed heavily and we were peeing our pants because I’m in 6th grade too and pranking people is my motherfucking wheelhouse, man. Then Janna sent me this!!!!

    And it’s so funny because that was probably ME who was laughing at the end! I led her on for awhile, and when she mentioned that the call came from Etna, I said, “Maybe it’s the Scarehouse!” because that’s a haunted house in Etna, lol. Anyway, once she told me she blocked the number, I said, “That was a mistake.” And she was all, “?” So I sent her a video of Chooch cracking up and Janna said, “Goddammit.” I can’t believe she didn’t immediately accuse me?! “I mean, I’ve been doing this shit to her since like 1994,” I said to Henry. “Yeah, and now your spawn is doing it,” he said and I think I mistook his tone for pride when really it was disappointment.

    • My house was really missing something and then finally I realized it was ice cream cone garland. One of my IG friends commented on this picture and said she wants to be like me when she grows up and I said the secret is to just not ever grow up. And that’s how you can get away with living in a colorful dump decorated with party supplies.

    • I will end this with a picture of beautiful Kwon Jiyong at his last fan event in Jeju Island before he enlists in the military this week. But guess what?? I just read that he’s going into the same division or whatever as the actor who played Lawyer Noh on Love In Trouble (Suspicious Partner)!