Feb 262021
 

Oh why hello there. Warning: this is going to be completely scattered. I mean, when is it not. But you know.

  1.  Math Blasting Myself in the Foot

OK OK OK, listen. It’s no big secret that I was a Big Spoiled B when I was a kid. Good thing that didn’t shape who I am as an adult, amirite guy? Lol. So you’ll understand why I was SUPER PISSED when my Aunt Sharon, who was like my second mom and did her fair share in helping my grandparents spoil me rotten (hence the rotten apple tattoo I have on my arm), told me that her goddaughter Nicky was getting a computer for Christmas.

Now, I HATED Sharon’s goddaughter, probably because I didn’t really understand what that even meant to be a goddaughter, but also because she was only a year older than me and I was supremely jealous anytime Sharon did anything for her. (And it wasn’t even that often! Nicky’s mom was Sharon’s friend and they hung out so infrequently that I think I only actually met Nicky once or twice and just remembered that she was a GINGER.) Clearly, Sunday School wasn’t doing a great job with keeping the hate out of my heart.

So this was back when I was in 2nd grade, in 1987, and home computers weren’t what they are today, obviously, and I had never even wanted one until now that NICKY was getting one, what a dumb bitch! I wanted a computer too, suddenly! I mean, what–no, I had wanted a computer before Nicky, like since before I was BORN, what are you talking about, this wasn’t fair! I was already fuming about this, but to add salt to the wound, Sharon was like, “COME TO THE COMPUTER STORE WITH ME AND HELP ME PICK OUT A GAME FOR NICKY SINCE YOU ARE BASICALLY THE SAME AGE.” Oh.my.fucking.god. I was LIVID about this, like Firestarter-levels of fury. But I let her drag me along to this dumb computer store which no longer exists but we sometimes drive past its former location and every so often I have flashbacks and wonder where that dumb bitch Nicky is today.

ANYWAY!!! So we go to this idiotic store and I’m being SUCH A CUNT and rejecting all of Sharon’s suggestions. Then, I see this totally boring-looking game called MATH BLASTER and imagined Nicky tearing open Sharon’s meticulous giftwrap-job, expecting some Sharon-level present (Sharon always gave the best presents) but instead seeing some dumb computer game that was just an extension of school. Yay, now you can come home from school and do more school! Dumb bitch, that’s what you deserve.

So Sharon was like, “OK I trust  your judgment” or whatever, probably something like that, and she paid for it with her CHARGE CARD probably or maybe wrote a CHECK, because 1986, while I stood there glaring, with my arms folded across my chest I’m sure because this was my standard pout pose. (It might still be, ask Henry.)

Imagine my surprise that Christmas when, after I already opened like 80 gifts because my grandparents loved me best, my Pappap was like, “OH WOW ERIN I WONDER WHAT ALL THESE GIFTS ARE” after unveiling a series of boxes clumped together off to the side of the sun porch, where we often celebrated our Christmases at my grandparents’ house.

My very own Apple II GS and a printer!

And then there was a smaller box, but you already know.

Math Blaster.

Turns out Nicky wasn’t the one getting the computer after all, that was just Sharon’s ruse to see….what kind of games I would want.

WHO’S LAUGHING NOW.

I don’t remember what made this memory pop into my head but the other night when Henry and I were getting ready for bed, I just started babbling about it and he was like “……………” and then I went to bed angry at the recollection of that FUCKING GAME. I was so bad at it!!

Math Blaster Plus Gameplay Pc Game 1987 - Cute766

2. G-Dragon + Jennie

Is it true (okidokido)? At first I was like, “This seems false” because I just can’t picture him with someone like her, and you know obviously I’m SO CLOSE to both of them that I am qualified to make these types of assessments. My friend Veronica speculated that it could be a publicity stunt because maybe GD has an album coming out and I was like DARE TO DREAM because we VIPs are hungry over here, guys. BIGBANG needs to throw us a bone here soon.

But I dunno, it seems like it could be true and if it is, it’s pretty fucking adorable. I mean, they have known each other for quite some time and I know a lot of us were holding out hope that it would be him and one of the girls from 2NE1 (though I personally shipped him with I.U.!), it doesn’t matter as long as both parties are happy! Honestly, when I saw I worry about GD everyday, I’m not being facetious.

Also, my coworkers emailing me to see if I’m OK with this is the sweetest thing ever!

 

3. Bobo Bobolinski

My dad was good friends with this dude who had 4 sons and the one that was my age was my dad’s godson (oh boy, here we go again!) except that I actually liked this kid. Our families hung out a lot at cookouts, birthday parties, etc., but the one who was my age, Shawn, was the one who was with us the most because even though he was the same age as me, he got along real well with my younger brother Ryan. Plus, you know, the whole godson thing – my dad was always inviting him to Kennywood with us and things like this.

Anyway, my mom texted me a recent picture of all 4 boys with their wives and I was like HOLY SHIT THEY ARE SO OLD, OMG THAT MEANS SO AM I. I haven’t seen any of those guys since I was in high school, because my parents eventually separated and then divorced, so there were no more fun hangouts, but seeing that picture made me miss those days SO MUCH.

Shawn was ALWAYS at our house during the summer of ’92 – it’s when we had a French exchange student staying with us and is still to this day the best summer I ever had. This was also the summer that my dad bestowed upon Shawn a nickname that has stuck so well, that I actually hesitated before typing “Shawn” throughout this entire section. One day, we had taken the dumb French kid to Laurel Caverns, which is like a rite of passage for kids in any kind of Scouts-type group and also just fun for a basic family outing too. While we were there, Shawn slipped and smacked his face off one of the rock walls of the cavern, inspiring my dad to blurt out, “Good job, Bobo.” Then later, I can’t remember if it was the same day or not because I actually wasn’t there for this one, my dad had Bobo, my brother Ryan, and that dumb French kid at a place called Ohio Pyle, where once again, Bobo slipped and smacked his face off of rocks, so now the name Bobo had solidified, now with the surname of Boboliski.

Now, this was also the summer of the Atlanta Olympics so this was the backdrop for many of memories that summer, most notably the time my BFF Christy was over and we were all casually watching gymnastics. I remember Bobo laying on his side on the floor, in front of the coffee table, and saying, “Shannon Miller is a good gymnast.” Literally, that was all he said, just some stale statement, superlative-free, about his opinion of one Shannon Miller. Well, too bad he said this in the presence of Christy and me because we turned it into the Love of the Century and ran around screaming “OMG BOB LOVES SHANNON MILLER!” for the rest of ever.

I have one super specific memory of Bobo in our basement, trying his damnedest to play Pacman (we had the actual arcade game) while blocking out Christy and me who were buzzing around him like the most annoying middle school flies, screaming love sonnets involving Bobo and Shannon Miller.

I just told Henry this story the other night and he was like, “Wow. You are the same.”

That’s Bobo on the far right, French dummy on left, Christy then me.

4. Speaking of the Olympics…

I hope that Covid fucks off because I want Henry’s mom to come over and watch the Olympics (if they happen this summer) so I can live-blog. I had SO MUCH FUN watching the 2016 summer Olympics with her.

Watching the Olympics with Judy 

Plus two more!

Olympics with Judy: Part 2

Olympics with Judy: Part 3

5. Weekend Jamz

You guys I am OBSESSED with the new SHINee album. It is QUINTESSENTIAL SHINEE and I cant listen to it without running spastic laps around my house. It is giving me that spring fever-ish zest for life where I want to just forget all of my problems and frolic through a filed of tulips or whatever bullshit you happy-go-lucky people do. So, in an effort to dispel good vibes, I’d like to send you off with two of my current favorite from their new album:

And they have been performing this song in addition to Don’t Call Me, and it too is a bop which is something I don’t normally like to say because it makes me feel like I should be hanging out with Taylor Swift fans or something but this song is so motherfucking upbeat and I’m ready to, I dunno, make Henry dance with me maybe.

SHINee are goddamn pop legends. Please support them!

Feb 192021
 

I honestly don’t think I ever even heard the word “foment” before until that former President, forever dingleberry Trump incited an insurrection and suddenly that was the word du jour on all the news channels.

Anyway. Just wanted an excuse to use that.

So here are some things, not necessarily five as we’re wont to do here on Fridays, because I’m feeling more in a freestyle mood if you know what I mean and if you do please tell me because I don’t know anymore.

I watched that Netflix documentary about the Cecil Hotel last week – it was good but I felt it was also kind of repetitive and while I wished there were more episodes exploring more of the dark history instead of just focusing on the Elisa Lam case, I also think that they could have accomplished the same thing in probably less. Does that even make sense or am I typing in circles again.

Numerous times while watching this, I had the thought that this is 100% the type of Roadside Shack of Doom that Henry has put us up in various times throughout the years. In fact, I’m convinced that if we had had to stay in LA at any point during our whirlwind trip to Coachella in 2004, we would have been walking the same blood-stained hallways that Richard Ramirez once roamed. I mean, the actual place he booked for us during that trip was a Knights Inn in San Bernardino that was also hooker housing (I talked to one of them when she came out of a neighboring room as I was petting a stray cat and she said, “Oh, there’s lots of cats around here – we feed them every day!”).

And let’s not forget that seedy Red Carpet Inn outside of Newark – I mean, THE CONNOTATION AND ALLUSION BEHIND “RED CARPET” IN THIS CONTEXT ALONE IS NAUSEATING.

This inspired me to go digging for that particular vacation journal because, can’t travel now so might as well live vicariously through past sojourns, right? A thing you need to know about me is that I have fucking journals all over the house. Like, tons of them. Like, if I ever became a former President, they’d have a good place to start with my library collection. Until you get to the later ones when I wasn’t yet aware of how problematic my “jokes” were. Y-I-K-E-S. Let’s just say I’ve had lots of years (and self-education) to, um, grow away from that.

While digging through a cedar trunk (Henry’s from the SERVICE!!!) of my self-penned tomes, I found the very first journal in my Vacation Series, which I must have started when I was 9ish?

I barged into Chooch’s room to read him this super adorable disclaimer but he interrupted me to guess, “does it say ‘caution: very uninteresting content’?” WOW JUST WOW guess I won’t be leaving him my hand-written vacation journal canon in my Will.

Eventually, I did find the specific journal I was looking for and was reminded of how mentally unstable and self-loathing I was back in 2004 when Henry and I took that California trip – I was apparently VERY AWARE of the girth of my arms and fixated on it to the point that it ruined the entire vacation for me and probably made Henry reconsider his choices. I’m still very neurotic and self-conscious but I think I have gotten A LITTLE better over the years!?

Yikes.

My mom asked me if I want these torch lights that she salvaged from my grandparents’ house because she feels that it would really complete my decor, lol. Yes I want them! However, after going back and looking at pictures of them when they were still hanging in saluting stasis in my Pappap’s goth hallway (which, ironically, was blood-red carpeted), I’m now remembering how gigantic these suckers are and wondering where I would put them, plus there’s the whole electrical side of it to consider (Henry reminded me 87 times during this discussion that we do not own this house and while he has his electrician-guy background, he doesn’t want to be doing electrical work on a house that he does not own). UGHHHH. What to do!? I  guess I will take them and store them and hope that one day I will wake up and think, “This is the day we start actively house-hunting.” I dunno why I’m being so lazy about this. (I mean, I do know – it’s because we don’t want to be limited to where we can buy a house while Chooch is in school, but still, I have to wonder how much of that is just an excuse because I’m such a fucking weirdo when it comes to change.)

(Hopefully Chooch, the Zillow Prince, doesn’t read that last line and take that as his cue to start sending me house listings again lol.)

Back to my vacation journals. The one with the Coachella recount also had the tail end of our weekend 2003 road trip to Lancaster, PA which was supposed to be my consolation prize for Henry ruining my birthday trip to Boston/Salem by getting the flu (according to my journal, we had to abandon our Salem itinerary halfway through the day and go back to the hotel because Henry thought he was having a heart attack and knowing me, because you know, I am me, I’m sure I verbally eviscerated him the entire car ride back for ruining my day. Anyway!!! I know certain reader(s) enjoy being taught shit by Henry, so here’s a little lesson that he taught  me at 8:43PM on August 8th, 2003:

Truck drivers used to “swap” toll tickets so their toll would be cheaper but then they got caught, which is why the rest areas usually have two different ways to get in so that the traffic doesn’t cross or something. [Now that I’m typing this based on what I wrote in my vacation journal, it doesn’t make sense so I’m sure I was only half-assedly listening.] Anyway, those shady-ass truckers got busted because of the discrepancy in time on the turnpike tickets. Quotes Henry, “It made it look like it only took them an hour to drive 300 miles. Hahahaha!” According to my journal, I laughed really loudly and mockingly so I basically haven’t changed at all. Sorry, Hank.

Drew likes to sit on the mantle, much to my chagrin, and here she is bird-watching with Trudy. Please note that after this morning, Trudy no longer is wearing the matador-red tiger robe because it was bringing out the bull in Drew’s sister Penelope, and I’ll tell you what, little gets the blood pumping quite like the sound of a mannequin hitting the floor behind you in an otherwise ghostly-quiet house while you’re concentrating on work.

I’ve started to slowly add things to the wall adjacent to the Cure Corner – when I say I have a lot of Cure memorabilia, I mean that I have so much that I have actually been uncovering prints and posters that I had no idea I had, or even when/where they came from. So yeah–I could decorate an entire house with just the stuff that I’ve collected since, when, like 1999 I guess.  But right now, I started with these three smaller things: a sketch of Robert from the artist EsQui, the picture of me meeting Robert OMG kill me, and — bear with me — this cute 3D cockatoo art that I bought from some store based in Amsterdam when it came to me late one night (when alllllll the best/stupidest ideas visit me) that I needed something cockatoo-related in that area because if you didn’t know, Like Cockatoos is in my Top 10 favorite songs by the Cure.

Henry was shining his phone’s flashlight at this corner for me while I took pictures because it’s shrouded by a moody pink light up there 24:7 (actually more like 18:7 because we have the light on a timer lol). As soon as it’s OK to have parties again, I’m going to insist that all of my friends take turns sitting here so I can take their pictures. Maybe this could be like a polaroid zone.

Here’s me: how can I effectively turn my home into a functioning modern art exhibit or at the very least, an Instagram-trendy cafe but without the baristas. This has been my dream for quite some time but ever since Corey, Kara, and I visited this one abandoned house-cum-art installation a few years back, I was like THIS IS FOR ME. More secret passages and fireplace-crawl spaces!

OK, maybe I will consider buying a house sooner rather than later, before my friends are too old and feeble to army-crawl in between walls in order to access the bathroom-slash-movie theater that only plays silent, vintage porn.

Feb 122021
 

Is it weird to have your own art hanging in your house? I don’t think so, I guess. Most of my art is birthed from inside jokes (like the Tony Stewart portrait I painted for Henry while he was at store and he didn’t even appreciate it or the Ham Sandwich AF painting after I watched a Mamas and the Papas documentary) or inexplicably deep-seated obsessions (like this strange amalgamation of celebs with a token serial killer). I don’t really *miss* painting all that much, surprisingly considering it did provide some catharsis for a time, but it does make me smile to have some remnants of that Somnambulant Years scattered around my house. So for this Friday Five, I will show you OMG FIVE HOW DID YOU GUESS pieces of what I still consider “my fake art” because my grandma really gave me a complex when I was a teenager and said I wanted to go to art school in San Francisco and she scoffed and huffed, “Well, I’m not paying for that.” Lol.

  1. Twin Peaks Montage

I actually never finished this (the red is pretty streaky and I never even sprayed it) because I knew pretty much from the get-go that I wasn’t going to sell it since I love Twin Peaks so much and I’m a selfish person – I always had a hard time letting go of some of my paintings, most notably the Pee Wee ones.

2. Stars of the OJ Trial

This one has been half-obscured on a shelf for years but I think I’m ready to get a frame for it and hang it. The OJ Simpson trial was a HUGE PART OF MY LIFE as a teenager (OK maybe only for like 3 months). I don’t know why I was so fixated on it considering I was only like 15 and most teenagers didn’t give a FUCK about the news or whatever back then but I was so sure that OJ was innocent and I actually got kicked out of a class that year for cheering when the verdict came out lololol. And there was the whole Pog saga.

3. HOT JESUS

This is, IMHO, the best painting I ever made I think.

4. BLAH BLAH BLAH CHOOCH CHOOCH CHOOCH.

I bought this creepy-ass picture at Goodwill of a young boy and then painted Chooch’s head over top (this was back when he had pink hair, clearly) and surprised him with it. He was SO MAD about all the “blah”s lol. I remember back when I painted it, Henry’s mom was all Weekend Art Critic about it and I was like, “I know Judy, that’s why I’m a fake artist.”

5. Murder Farm

This one is SO DUMB but I found this basic country/farm picture thing at Goodwill one time and liked the shape and the frame so I added some ghosts and blood and bones and then made Henry hang it in our bedroom and he was like, “HAHAHA – oh, you’re serious.”

So, that’s five. Maybe someday I will share five more. WOW DARE TO DREAM.

Jan 152021
 

Gonna be real honest here (I dunno why I always preface shit with that, as though I’m typically FAKE NEWS’ing my way through these updates), this is most TGIF’ish I’ve felt in a long while. Here are five things plus some photos that have nothing to do with anything.

  • Henrys Voice Crush

I guess helping me make those book cover cookies really inspired Henry to work on his literacy, because he DOWNLOADED THE LIBBY APP and has been listening to audiobooks while he carts pallets of Faygo around the warehouse all the livelong day. He’s already listened to Beartown (!!!) and then decided he liked the narrator’s voice so he searched Libby for more books narrated by her, and then ended up getting one of my other Top 13 Books of 2020 – Nothing To See Here. Apparently she also narrated whatever that prequel to Practical Magic is that just came out, so HE LISTENED TO THAT NEXT and why is this so hilarious to me??? After he finished it, he said, “It was good. I guess I will listen to Practical Magic now.” When I started squealing with giddiness, he got all bent out of shape and asked, “WHAT? I’ve seen the movie…”

I wonder if he saw it ON A DATE.

Anyway, Chooch is trying to be emancipated now that he’s lost BOTH parents into the literary world.

  • The Call

Speaking of movies, if you want to watch a good horror movie and don’t mind subtitles, the Korean film “The Call” is on Netflix and it is SUPERB. Henry and I finally watched it last weekend and I was legitimately scared, which rarely happens anymore with me and horror. Also, the main girl, Park Shin-Hye, is from one of my FAVORITE MOST-BESTEST K-DRAMAs, The Heirs.

  • Good Veg Foods I’ve Recently Devoured

Last week, Zenith has seitan tacos on their menu and I’m not one of those Taco Tinas by any means but I was suddenly really in the mood for a damn taco. It was delicious, as usual, because Zenith. Side note: When I was younger, I NEVER EVER EVER opted for soft tacos. It was hard shells all the way. In fact, for a long time I didn’t even realize soft tacos were a thing! Now that I’m An Old, soft tacos are my friends because biting into hard shells makes me nervous. Also, those ones are messier and I’ve acquired a major food mess phobia somewhere along the way.

And then for dinner tonight, Henry got me takeout from Apteka. Please say hello to my BBQ Yuba sandwich, which is now in my stomach. (Pineapple + morita adobo, seared yuba, smoked garlic slaw, pickle. Not a burger but on a sesame seed bun.)

It was good but the adobo took a bit to get used to and then after I figured out what was going on, I pretty much swallowed the whole thing in two bites. (To be fair, I split it with Henry, because he got a vegan steak hoagie from Spak’s which is down the street from Apteka, and I wanted in on that action too. It’s fun when Henry opts for vegetarian stuff too so that we can share – I THINK THAT IS WHAT LOVE IS ALL ABOUT but I’m not the best at that because I’m so selfish.)

Chooch and I have restarted Jillian Michaels’ Body Revolution and tonight we have to start level 3 so I’ll probably puke all this food up at some people, you’re welcome for visuals of me vomiting on my mat while sweat drips off my face and commingles with the puke puddle.

  • MY FAVORITE PLATE

Since you can kind of see it in the FOOD PICTURES, I decided to talk about MY FAVORITE PLATE which I have had since middle school (early 90s, OK? I  told you, I’m An Old) but haven’t seen in years and then I recently found it in the basement when I was looking for something else, and this was an astonishing find (LOL like it was a ruby heirloom or something) because I honestly can’t remember this plate ever coming with me after I moved out of my parents’ house when I was 18?! But I apparently had it this whole time!?

Anyway, this plate is special (so special that I forgot about it for 20+ years, but OK, cook on, Erin) because I got it when I was in Italy with my aunt Sharon and grandparents. There is this highway rest stop / cafeteria chain called Autogrill and our tour group would stop there occasionally when we were on the bus, en route to the next destination. It was always a big deal for my aunt because if you got the Autogrill special, it was served on a collectors plate. She ended up with quite a few of them over the years (I don’t remember seeing any of them when we cleaned out my grandparents house – DID SHE SELL THEM ON EBAY?!). I only opted to do this once or twice, because the “Special” was always something that sounded gross to a kid. My palate just wanted a basic grilled cheese, but if we’re being honest (OMG there I go again) the only thing I had my fat kid eyes set on was the dessert buffet, mmkay.

Do not ask me what sort of lunch I had to swallow in order to earn this prized plate (probably liver and onions) but I did it and I have recently started giving this plate the appreciation it deserves. I use it EVERY DAY and Henry and Chooch know that it’s off limits to whatever dumb foods they might consider slopping onto it. (Chooch’s food would be OK but god only knows with Henry – he might actually reintroduce it to liver and onions.)

  • A Random Piece of Chooch Info

On one of our walks recently, he said that he hopes to have a son and daughter one day and he will name them both Chris. Not Christopher or Christina, but they’ll each just be “Chris.” So…look forward to that?

Well, on  that note, I’ll sign off with a creepy picture of my bedroom that I took accidentally the other night when I was getting ready for bed.

Jan 082021
 

You know, because I’m such an influencer (*eyeroll*).

CLOTHES

I saw this precious blouse in an Instagram ad and you know how fly-by-night those companies can be! But I did some research and the fact that the clothing was moderately pricey combined with finding the personal IG accounts of the artist & designer who collaborated with the company made me feel a lot more confident that I wouldn’t get scammed or receive something that looked like it was made in some middle school Home Ec class.

The clothing company is called Unlogical Poem and it appears to be based in Japan, but the distribution center is in China. So it did take about 3 weeks for my order to arrive, but they were very transparent about that from the get-go.

I love it! I will warn that everything there is free-size so I was nervous that it wouldn’t fit. Sometimes the arms will be very short, but this one fits nicely and I can tell that it’s made quality material! I love it so much and maybe one day I will have somewhere to wear it to?

TV SHOWS

I recently finished watching some pretty good shows that I will now list here for your consideration:

  • Home for Christmas: Um hello why did I not know about this show?? There are two seasons on Netflix and they were a breeze to binge. It’s set in Norway (I think?) so it was fun to hear which English words are the same over there, like “fuck boy” lololol. Didn’t think I would like this because I don’t typically get into Christmas-y shows but this was sooooo funny and also endearing and whoever that main chick is, I love her deeply.

Home for Christmas (TV series) - Wikipedia

  • The Mess You Leave Behind: this is Spanish and based on a book which is always in Spanish in the opening credits so I don’t know what it’s called, I know it’s shocking that my one whole year of Spanish in 12th grade hasn’t been more effective. This was is way more of a thriller/mystery/drama about a teacher who moves to a new town in Spain and  takes over a class left behind by a teacher who committed suicide….BUT DID SHE. I thought it was really great. Also the word for “ok” in Spanish sounds like the word for “quickly” in Korean. That was my takeaway.

Netflix: The Dark Thriller You Should Watch - The News Fetcher

I also watched Bridgerton but…did I like it? I’m not sure?? It was mostly softcore porn, to be honest. To the point where I had my finger on the remote ready to exit out of Netflix in case Chooch came into the room, and meanwhile Henry was in the dining room making greeting cards and nearly breaking his neck trying to see what I was watching on the TV, lol.

MUSAKKKKKKK

My current favorite song is Twice’s Cry For Me. The choreo gives me chills. I love mature Twice!

SOCIAL MEDIA 

I mean, it should have happened a long time ago but Trump being banned from like every social media platform has me FUCKING GID-DAY up in this clown town known as my house. FINAL-FUCKING-LY. Now can Apple and Google pull Parler, please? DO THE RIGHT THING.

FURRY COMFORT AIDS

If you don’t have pets, how have you been getting through this week/last 4 years? I depend on my cats way too much, I think. The squirrels too. It’s so pathetic that when my work friend Margie called me yesterday, she said, “Sorry, I’m probably interrupting squirrel time” and I was like, “OK I actually WAS at the window but it was only to put out more peanuts, OK MARGIE.”

Here are some pictures of my baes from this week:

Clown Lap Cat Nap – my future band name. DO NOT STEAL IT.

OK, I’m starting to feel panicky and I’m on the verge of tears again because, America. So time to bury myself in a book. Have a fine weekend.

Jan 012021
 

In lieu of doing some phony, gratuitous recap of 2020 (I think we can agree that we all have the same feelings for it!) or making up some lame resolutions (last year at this time I predicted that 2020 was going to be the best year yet so imma just chuck that Nostradamus act off the nearest bridge and luckily I live in Pittsburgh, the bridge capital of the world), I’m just going to pretend like this is a regular day and throw down some Friday Five action.

1. The constantly in flux 1980s Dream Kitchen

I’m not sure I’m ever going to consider this room “done.” I just bought this sweet ass Pee Wee Herman art piece which I’m waiting to arrive, we have that pinball back glass that needs marquee lights, the Conair phone is an entire electrical nightmare that Henry doesn’t want to think about, lol…But I do have an update!!

When I decided I wanted to redo the kitchen, one of the first things I bought was this amazing piece of fabric on Spoonflower, featuring the likeness of Robert Smith (natch), David Bowie, Cyndi Lauper, Adam Ant, Siouxsie Sioux, Boy George, and Annie Lennox. Originally I wanted to use it as a curtain for the door that goes into the backporch but honestly, I really like being able to look through that window when I’m in the kitchen. First of all, we have cute lanterns and stuff hanging from the ceiling so it’s very festival, but also there are some BIG BOY trees in the backyard and I love being able to see the birds and squirrels having tree top playtime.

Months went by and it kept getting pushed further down Henry’s To Do List (come on he’s the seamstress of the house among everything else!) and then eventually forgotten about. But then I remembered it and Henry mumbled “oh boy.”

I settled on using it as a little skirt for the front of the coffee cart and I love it so much!! Henry did a good job. Holla at him if you need no-sew curtains made–he’s really good at finding the most half-assed, cop-outiest route possible to get shit done lol.

Anyway, I know I said I wasn’t going expound upon 2020 but our kitchen was really such a ray of sunlight for us. We might not have been able to control what was going on around the world but at least we could make necessary changes inside our house that would positively affect our mental standing and I am so grateful that we had the means to do so!

2. People Cups

I know I’m not alone in this but our cat Drew will seek out my glass of water no matter where I set it and then she just helps herself and I’m all, DREW THAT’S MINE while Henry laughs heartily because it’s such a losing battle. Finally I looked at her and said, “DO YOU WANT YOUR OWN PEOPLE CUP? IS THAT WHAT THIS IS ABOUT??” so now we have to keep a people cup of water on the table for her, which she drinks from with the urgency of someone who just clawed their way out of the desert.

Penelope never really bothered with my glasses of water before but her sister has helped her cross over to the People Cup side.

Cats man, amirite?

3. Reoccurring Beets

Remember a few posts ago when I talked about The Office-inspired pints of ice cream we got from Sugar Spell and how one of the pints was beet-flavored? I posted it on Instagram and my Korean teacher/friend Jiyong commented and I replied in Korean that I learned a new word and then wrote the word for “beets” and she was like “Did you mean to say sugar-free?” and I was like “no beets!” and she was like “haha that is not the word for beets” and I was like NAVER DICTIONARY FAILED ME THEN and it was so embarrassing (not really) because this was all done publicly on Instagram so all of my friends (like all 3 of them) could be reassured that good ol’ Erin is still a fucking dunce but I was so confused because I specifically used Naver to look it up because that’s the Korean version of Google and it said that the word was “satangmu” and even showed pictures of beets and I was like “OK I guess that makes sense because it translates to “sugar radish” right? Buy Jiyong said that they don’t use that word to say “beet,” they LITERALLY SAY BEET.

Languages are so frustrating.

Then right after that, our local sandwich joint, Oak Hill Post (RIP Parkers) posted on Instagram that their new veg sandwich creation was beets ‘n greens so of course I had to have it even though I was like “UGH FALSE SATANGMU.”

It was goddamn delicioso.

THEN!!!! I was reading “Grown” and there were numerous chapters called “Beet Juice Part 1,” “Beet Juice Part 2,” etc and I was like, “…..” The universe really went all out to keep me reminded that I suck at learning Korean, lol.

(But seriously, fuck dictionaries!)

4. My DoDo Son

Here are two (2) stories about my dumbo son who is actually quite intelligent but somehow always manages to shock me with his stupidity when I least expect it:

  • The other day, we were on one of our walks, when Chooch said, “We learned at the teen center that the “x” in the abbreviation Xmas comes from Greek. I can’t remember what the X means though…tree…?” and as he was making other far-off guesses, I stopped him and said, “CHRIST??” He looked at me like I was a genius and exclaimed, “Yes! That’s it! How did you know that??” and I was like, “Because….CHRISTmas….???” There was this moment when time stood still and you could hear the gears & cranks turning in his thick head. “Oh my god, I had no idea…”
  • Last night on New Year’s Eve aka Just Another Night, I was inspired to watch my favorite Alice in Wonderland adaption (the 1985 made-for-TV version but really it’s the porn version shhhh). I found it on YouTube which is great because I only have it on VHS but I don’t have a VCR anymore, so that’s cool. Anyway, Chooch made it approx. 15 minutes through the movie before declaring that he was bored and retreated to his room to play dumb Fortnite with his dumb friends. A little bit later, I went upstairs and poked my head in his room to say, “You missed the part where Alice dies.” I was prepared for him to say, “Yeah OK” but instead there was a pause and then he said, “Wait—Alice dies? How?” My mind started spinning; I wasn’t prepared for the convo to go this far because I assumed he knew the story?!?! “Um…the Mad Hatter….cuts her head off,” I said and immediately regretted not saying the Queen but I was ready to say that the Queen had the Mad Hatter do in case he gave me push back. But instead, he said, “OMG, does she die in the Disney version too???” He was REALLY BELIEVING THIS, you guys. “Yeah, just not as violently,” I managed to get out without laughing, thankful that we were separated by a wall and he couldn’t see my face. “How did I not know that…” I heard him whisper to himself.

You guys, these moments are my favorite parts of parenting.

5. Invasion of Privacy

Henry casually outed the fact that he OCCASIONALLY uses the security camera to watch me watching the squirrels during the day??!! Actually he tried to lie and say that he uses it to watch the squirrels but that I am “always at the window watching the squirrels” so of course he’s going to see me. He even recorded some instances and showed me the other night!! There was a video of Penelope of watching the squirrel and then she looks over her shoulder and Henry goes, “Watch, here you come…” and sure enough THERE I CAME.

I’m not sure how I feel about this!!! But then he showed me some more videos where I’m talking to the cats about the squirrels (“WHERE HIM AT, DREW?! WHERE BUDDY?” And “LOOK AT HIM EAT HIM WALNUT! HIM EAT HIM WALNUT REAL GOOD, HUH?” because I never baby talked Chooch but whoa nelly I got lots of it stored up inside me) and I was like “wow I’m really cute!” but also maybe in need of a friend.

Anyway, yesterday there were four squirrels congregating on our porch and yard at once and it was a big deal bc they were the brown ones who I have found are super territorial with each other and usually chase each other away and only one can be on our porch at a time. This was a big deal!!

I spend too much time at the window! Also, Chooch tried to take the garbage out yesterday and one of them was sitting on the chair next to the door, eating a walnut, and then JUMPED DOWN TO THE DOORSTEP so Chooch couldn’t get out of the house! They’re getting so fucking ballsy and perhaps a bit too comfortable, haha. Also, it’s going to be sad when I go back to work in the office eventually.

Can you spot all four??

Well, I guess that’s all for this Friday Five. Happy Fucking New Year.

Dec 242020
 

I mean, as super and stuffed as a weekend during a pandemic can possibly be, which isn’t really much but as I sit here on HINDSIGHT tuffet, it really does feel like a decent amount of stuff happened and you know me, always keeping the ol’ LOG updated for alibi accuracy.

So come on, Mary. Let’s do it bulletpoint-style.

  • I almost forgot to make the Christmas card for my boss Amber which I strong-armed my team into jumping on video call in order for me to get a screenshot of our BIG SMILING FACES (lol at Todd who apparently was having audio issues and had no idea what was going on, oops). I mean, I had it designed, it just needed printed so Henry did that on Saturday along with the million other cards he had to make from our actual card shop and then we walked to the post office, which is basically our Saturday morning ritual because our lives are SO EXCITING. On the way there he was being SUCH A FUCKING DICKHEAD TO ME. Literally whiteknighting everything that I was against, being contrary to my every opinion, and EW YOU GUYS, I was feeling it. So I started yelling at him for being shitty and JUST THEN, a huge clump of snow slid off a rooftop and fell straight into his jacket and down his shirt. I felt some BIG WITCH ENERGY right then. Don’t fuck with me, dickheads.
    • But then later that afternoon, I was walking home from the library and some guy on our street (the grandfather of Chooch’s friend, and he hates Chooch and is actually kind of scary in a  Yinzer Danny DeVito kind of way) was trying to pull away from the sidewalk and his tires started kicking up DIRTY STREET SNOW RIGHT AS I WALKED PAST AND IT GOT ALL IN MY HAIR AND MY BLUE FLUFFY COAT AND I WILL GOOGLE A SPELL, BUDDY, YOU JUST WAIT.
  • Henry went to pick up our latest batch of Sugar Spell pints Friday evening (that counts as the weekend!) and they were amazing as always! They did a special edition “The Office” series of flavors and shit, as if we’re not blessed enough to have a delicious vegan scoop shop right here in the ‘Burgh, they’re also fucking creative geniuses too! Now look, it’s already Vegan Hunger Games when preorders go live, because those of us in the know realize that these pints will sell out in a blink. Seriously. And this one was even worse (for us) because they got a lot of press and shout-outs for these flavors so now we had new people to contend with! Every single flavor sold out in less than 5 minutes! This was the first time that we weren’t able to get all the ones we wanted (there was just one that got snatched from our grips!) but we were still happy with the trio we managed to procure. However, Sugar Spell posted later that night on Instagram that they had received a lot of shitty comments and messages from unhappy and angry people who weren’t able to snag any ice cream. The proprietor of the place said that she was in tears and I swear to god you guys, I was like WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE, I WILL FIGHT THEM. I just don’t get people like that! First of all – it’s just ice cream (granted, REALLY FUCKING DELICIOUS ICE CREAM) and your life will surely go on if you miss out on a pint. Second of all – this is a small business, run by two people who work their asses off to make this for us. Third of all – we’re in the middle of a pandemic. How about channeling your Karen energy toward the government or racists or anti-maskers. My lord, I was so angry about this that night! Even Henry was mad about it and his only emotions are usually: ambivalence and drowsiness. Is that an emotion? It feels like it is. But yeah, we got our pints and they are D-I-V-I-N-E. That one literally is made with beets and I never knew how much I needed an ice cream made with beets until now.

  • The Dunder Mufflin flavor up there is a blueberry muffin base with swirls of blueberry jam and it tastes like waking up on Grandma Eloise’s farm in Idaho on a mild summer day, basket of muffins fresh from the oven, covered with a tea towel, and you’re wearing short-alls and getting ready to go out and flirt with all the farmhands who are JUST A LITTLE BIT too old for you but THAT IS WHY IT’S FUN and also IT’S THE 90s so SOCIAL MEDIA HAS NOT TAUGHT YOU THAT THIS IS WRONG. I mean…I don’t have a Grandma Eloise, you have a Grandma Eloise. Anyway, this ice cream also reminds me of the blueberry candle I bought when I moved into my first apartment, and that blueberry smell was so accurate and sweet and every time I smell something even remotely similar, I am jettisoned back to 1998, sitting on a beanbag chair in Payne Hill Apartments (I think my address was like J-163 or something??) because I didn’t have furniture yet and I swear to god, it makes me feel SO WARM AND COZY and this ice cream gave me the same feels except not the warm part because, ice cream.

  • Speaking of sweet treats, Chooch baked a shit ton of cookies for 10 lucky people and Sunday was “Delivery Day.” Before he baked the cookies, I googled, “Is it OK to give people baked goods during the pandemic” and everything said YES BUT REMEMBER THAT NON-PANDEMIC HYGIENE CODES STILL MATTER TOO!! but don’t worry – I am a nutcase about keeping the kitchen squeaky clean so no one is going to die from dirt. Anyway, we delivered to half the recipients on Sunday, and actually got to see two of them and have socially-distanced conversations outside! One was the Chris half of Chronica fame, and it was SO FUCKING NICE TO SEE HER FACE IN REAL LIFE. When I tell you that I haven’t seen any of my friends or family since March (I saw my mom once a few months ago for several minutes when I went over to pick up that wallpaper), I really mean it. Then we gave Henry’s mom Judy her cookies outside of the apartment complex she lives in and believe me, we all wore masks because I’m definitely not trying to kill Judy over some dumb cookies, you know? Anyway, she was telling us that she misses hanging out with my mom and that they used to pick up guys together?!?!? I was like WAIT WHAT and she said for example that there was this one time they started talking to this one guy and were having a good time but then he had to leave and they were like no don’t leave so they FOLLOWED HIM TO SEE WHERE HE LIVES?! Judy was laughing so hard with this far-away glimmer in her eyes and we were like “………………………..” Honestly, this has my mom’s name written all over it but when I asked her about it she said that Judy must be dreaming but then she followed up by saying that there WAS this one time where they started talking to some guy in McDonald’s because they were the only three people in there  but she swears there was no stalking involved but that if I’m welcome to write about it in my journal if I want. I AM JUST GOING TO GO AHEAD AND BELIEVE A LITTLE BIT OF BOTH SIDES OK.

Well, Mary, it’s Xmas Eve and I would like to go and like, egg houses or whatever it is we do on Xmas Eve. Tootleloo.

Dec 182020
 

Today is the three year anniversary (that word seems not right) of Jonghyun’s death and I burst into tears thinking about that while I was doing the dishes this morning and so let’s do a Friday five to distract that blog-author, can we? Can we really?

I’ve been off work all week but as usual, I have very little going on so let’s see what I can pull out of my…brain.

CHOOCH’S MEMOIR

I mentioned previously in here that Chooch has to write a short memoir-type essay for his creative writing class and actually opted to write about his trip to Korea, which obviously made my heart swell. However, he’s been furiously searching my blog for my Korea recaps in order to get names, dates, places and basically every other detail correct. I’m not sure if this is something you’ll believe, but I have been STRAIGHT UP GLOATING over this because HAHA suddenly MOMMY’S BLOG is useful.

Anyway, he has opted to go the “switchback” route, which has allowed him to combine both trips into one story and at first I was like THAT IS NOT GOING TO WORK but then he ironed out some smaller details and it’s actually turning out pretty cool.

Also, his computer crashed last night at midnight when he was finishing up his essay and he lost two entire pages because he wasn’t aware that Word has an auto-save option that needed to be turned on and while I feel super bad for him, I’m also kind of like, “Initiation complete. Welcome to the writing club.”

It’s due at some point today so I hope he gets it done!? I’m fighting the urge to be That Mom who writes papers for their kids but good goddamn do I want to stick my finger in this pie, wow that sounded awful.

KILLER KLOWN

I got some more fantastic pieces from my favorite pin maker The Idol Collective (which is currently defunct because   Danielle is actually rebranding herself so I’m not sure if The Idol Collective is coming back or if she will be reopening under a completely new name, but I do hope she comes back because I LOVE HER).

Killer Klowns From Outerspace was one of my favorite horror movies as a child. My younger brother Ryan and I used to go ham over horror movies, especially those of the B-variety (The Gate, anybody?) and Killer Klowns was definitely on our shortlist of favorites, so when The Idol Collective debuted this new line of necklaces, I snatched one up without even blinking. I love working from home, but I’m also kind of like, “when can we go back?” because I have so many new pieces and literally nowhere to wear them!

Side note: that Killer Klown / popcorn sculpture thing was made by Chuck Jarmon, a mastermind in the Halloween costume and prop industry. A long ass time ago, he asked me to write some descriptions of his products and then gifted me this amazing piece as a thank you. We had become friends through a mutual, who I’m no longer friends with because she accused me of “talking shit on [her] mother” and I lost him in the friend divorce, which is sad, but we’re all adults here and he is allowed to make that choice, I guess…EVEN THOUGH IT WAS THE WRONG ONE. Lol.

TREK TO HANDPIELAND

Last night, 350 Bakery posted on Instagram about the new hand pies for this weekend, one of which is ROASTED WINTER VEGETABLES. I was all set to tell Henry to get his ass over there on Saturday morning, but then they mentioned that three local coffee shops were going to be selling them on Friday, and one of those coffee shops is 802 Coffee (so many number names, ugh) which is on the boulevard, so I was like, “I AM GETTING THAT IN THE MORNING” and usually I say things like that and then I wake up and think, “Eh, maybe another day.” But not today. I sprung out of bed, showered, quickly acknowledged Chooch’s presence, and then set off for my mile(ish?) trek along slushy, unshoveled sidewalks (thanks, neighbors) but as expected, this bad boy was totally worth lacing up my boots for.

File under: things that motivate me to leave the house.

KPOP DAD

I was really bored one night last week and had this GREAT IDEA to pop quiz Henry on all of the members of the Kpop mega-group, NCT. In 2020, they acquired several new members, and now, when all of their units are combined, they are up to a whopping TWENTY-THREE MEMBERS. That’s insane! I remember when I got into NCT a few years ago, the only unit I followed was NCT-127 which had…nine members then, I think? And I was like, “I WILL NEVER KNOW ALL OF THEIR NAMES.” Flash forward to 2020 and I can name all members of NCT127, NCT Dream, and WayV (the Chinese member unit).

Their agency has released this super ambitious undertaking with all of the members of those units, plus two entirely new members, for a massive NCT 2020 release. There’s one song (at least – I haven’t really looked into the whole entire album yet) that features all 23 members, and then the members are broken up into smaller groups for all of the other songs. Whenever NCT does stuff like this, it’s known as NCT-U. (It’s a whole fucking culture, you guys, you have no idea how long it took me to understand the NCT concept!)

Anyway, I gave Henry a sheet of paper and a pencil and told him to go to town. He was able to eke out the names of 11 members.

“I have to tell Veronica!” I squealed through hysterical peals of laughter. Veronica is my favorite kpop partner-in-crime whom I met on Instagram and I would be so lonely in this kpop world without her, I’ll tell you!

“Why do you have to tell her everything?” Henry sighed. But he secretly loves it, I think.

Then it was my turn and I got 22/23 because I can never remember new member Sungchan, although I probably will now.

01:27 — NCT 2020

 BAD INTERNET FRIENDS

In a previous post, I mentioned that I took down a shelf that used to live at the top of the steps and the things I found stashed away in it are Pure Gold. For instance, I found a note that one of my co-workers at Echostar and I had written back and forth (we were such great pupils in that training class!) and at first I was like “wtf are we going on about” because whoever I was writing to had replied “why would your friend want to spend the last 2 months of her life working here?!” And then I realized we were talking about my friend Cinn whom I had recently met through a gothic chat room called Darkchat and supposedly had a brain tumor.

BUT GUESS WHAT GUYS SHE WAS LYING ABOUT IT FOR ATTENTION and I guess she just hadn’t anticipated becoming IRL friends with someone from there (we lived like 15 minutes away from each other) so then her stupid ass lie took on a life of its own and it made me feel so pathetic and angry to read my parts of the note because it was clear that I really cared about my new friend who was going to die soon and how fucked up is that??

We are no longer friends, although we did come in and out of each other’s lives several times for about 8-ish years, long enough that Henry had met her and learned very quickly that she was a fucking snake. But still, I was blind to it, or maybe it was a purposeful blind eye I had, because I was attached to her. She was the big sister I never had. She took care of me. But she was also very quick to belittle and humiliate me in front of others; it took me years to finally understand that this happened when she wasn’t getting attention from the room.

Seeing that note really opened up a wound that I hadn’t realized was still festering under my skin. I ranted about this for a while to Henry and then realized that I’ve had so many awful encounters and fall-outs with people that I met online, that I could do a whole series on it WOULD U COME HERE FOR THAT TEA, y or n?!?!?

On that note, I have to go watch the squirrels from my window. At least they don’t let me down. (Although, they do use me…)

Dec 042020
 

You guys. On Wednesday, those of us in the Pittsburgh office of the law firm who celebrated a five-year incremental anniversary this year (is that even how you would classify that??) were invited to attend a virtual recognition ceremony. I have had to type “recognition” approx. 27 times this week and have tried to squeeze a “z” in there each and every time. Just a little fun, behind the scenes look into my deteriorating brain.

From my department, there were 8 of us I think, from Debby who is celebrating FORTY YEARS, to Carrie who is celebrating 5! In 2010, Sandy, Nate, Mitch, and I were all hired. It was a banner year, clearly. Sandy created a 10 YEAR group chat in Jabber so the four of us could be jerks during the presentation, which entailed viewing a 30ish minute long video of what the world and the firm were like in each year us anniversary people were hired, starting with 1980 because of Debby and some other lady who I think is a practice assistant.

At the end, the…leader of the firm, the Firmfather? announced that it was raffle time and I started to peace out because I don’t usually win shit. Out of the 55ish of us being recognized, 10 were going to win a $50 gift card. But then Firmfather said, “so if your name is called, I’m going to unmute you so can acknowledge that you heard your name get called. And you know what, why don’t you also say a few things about what you remember from when you started. Give us a memory or something.”

My Jabber blew up. Everyone was like OMG ERIN IS TOTALLY GETTING CALLED FOR THIS. And Amber, who was also watching the presentation since everyone’s supervisors and managers are required to attend, Jabbered me as well saying I WANT U TO WIN SO BAD.

Why does everyone hate me??

So now I’m sitting there all clammy and pale, chanting PLEASE DONT CALL ME PLEASE DONT CALL ME and Chooch, who was getting ready to leave for the teen center, sidled up next to me and asked DID SOMEONE SAY RAFFLE. So now I have Chooch crossing his fingers, saying WIN IT WIN IT over and over while the admin lady is pulling out names, and I’m in major fight or flight mode right now. I mean, all I had to do was leave the call. I could have just left, and they would be like “ok pick another name Mary!” when they saw I wasn’t in the participant list. Just in case, my mind started flipping through a psychic rolodex of FIRM MEM’RIES from 2010 that weren’t inside jokey or completely inappropriate to share with Firmfather and the other however many randos were on the call, and then…

Well, BY NOW YOU HAVE GUESSED IT. I WAS A WINNER. THEY CALLED MY DUMB STUPID PIECE OF SHIT NAME. I have never wanted to lose something so badly in my life!

I did what I do best in these situations: I completely vacated my body and replaced myself with FAKE PROFESSIONAL ERIN who managed to improvise a wholesome memory on the spot.

This was my memory:

“Well, Firmfather, I was hired in 2010 to work the late shift. There were already two other Erin/Aarons in the department, so I became known as ‘Night Erin.'”

Not super exciting, but also not something scandalous that was going to embarrass the directors of my department, who were all listening! Anyway, I didn’t think it was all that great, but Firmfather gave a hearty laugh and said, “I LIKE THAT” and I was like “PLEASE TO BE MUTED NOW” and then everyone from my department who witnessed this contacted me immediately, like “!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” and I was like, “Let’s never speak of this again.”

Meanwhile, Wendy texted me and was like, “NO YOU’RE NOT NIGHT ERIN, YOU’RE—”

and here is where I will interrupt Wendy’s text and tell you that there was a second part to the story that I did share on that call, because I just didn’t feel like it.

So, I didn’t meet Wendy until a month or two after I got hired, because she was in Warsaw assisting with the opening of a new firm office. By the time she came back, I was already firmly indoctrinated as Night Erin, and when she heard this, she said that it reminded her of the town wino where she grew up, and his name was Night Train. For some reason, she thought this name was way more suitable for me, and that’s how I became known as Night Train for like, too many years.

Anyway, Amber made sure to send an email to our group, squealing about how I had to talk during the presentation and people started asking IS THERE A TAPE.

Ugh.

But it got me thinking about all the much better memories I could have shared if this was like an off-the-record happy hour or something. So here are 4 more memories from my early years at the law firm.

  1. WATERBREAK ’11: the time when some broad’s water literally broke in our restroom and pandemonium ensued
  2. LAW FIRM LAMB CAKE: the cake that inspired an indie eyeshadow shade and its own theme song
  3. WACKY WORM: the carnival ride that sparked the now legendary feud between Glenn and me
  4. LAST MAIL IN REVERSE (no blog post): so there was this woman who used to come through our floor every day at the same time, calling out “last mail’ in every quadrant. My old co-worker and I were obsessed with her and one time, he challenged himself to race through the floor in order to catch her each time she said “last mail.” Collect ’em all, if you will. I dunno why we latched on so hard to this but it was funny to us how she appeared at the exact same time every day and never deviated from her course. So one time, for April Fool’s Day, I sidled up to Barb and whispered, “WHAT IF WE GOT LISA TO DO LAST MAIL IN REVERSE. IT WILL BLOW DEREK’S MIND.” So Barb was like LEAVE IT TO ME. So Lisa was like, “Um, ok sure I can do that, you fucking weirdos” and then we got one of our co-workers Mary to make up some project to keep Derek at his desk, because we knew he’d get up and start pacing as soon as he realized Lisa was late. I got Mitch to record it (he was pretending to peruse the contents of a bunch of engagement letter boxes near Derek’s desk and he looked SO SUSPISH but no one said anything). And then BAM, Lisa came out of nowhere with her LAST MAIL and Derek was like “that’s the worst prank ever” but he has like 8 kids now and I bet this tale is TOTALLY their favorite bedtime story. Either that or it’s a threat: EAT ALL YOUR GODDAMN PEAS OR I’M GONNA TELL YOU THE LAST MAIL STORY AGAIN TONIGHT.”

 

Well, that’s all for me. It’s been…a week.

Nov 272020
 

My law firm always gives us the day after Thanksgiving off and I am post-Thanksgiving thankful for that. Maybe that means I actually put some effort into a Friday Five? We’ll see how far my effort will stretch. No promises!

  • IN THE DARK

Hello. Why have I not seen anyone talking about this show??? I randomly started watching it on Netflix a week ago and IT WAS NOT WHAT I WAS EXPECTING. So you got this blind girl, Murphy, and she is getting pissed that the police are being so blasé about her friend Tyson’s murder so she starts trying to solve it herself, so it’s got Veronica Mars vibes if VM was in her twenties, blind, engaging in LOTS of wanton sex, is jaded and sarcastic to the point where she’s just flat out mean at times. The rest of the cast too is GOLD. Like, every character. (I’m crying thinking about Jess and Felix right now.)

I was trying to figure out why the dynamics of Murphy and her best friend Jess seemed so familiar to me and then I (tried to) snapped my fingers: it’s basically me and my ex BFF Christina, if I was blind and she was my roommate trying to take care of me while I was insulting her and like, making her want to kill herself on the daily. I told Henry and he was like oh yeah I can see that totally.

Netflix has the first two seasons and I finished the second one the other night and am BROKEN. Apparently there is a third season but it hasn’t aired yet on The CW so Netflix can’t pick it up yet ugh.

Someone please watch this show so I can talk about it I’m dying here!! (Henry watched some of it even though I started it alone and then he kept asking me questions and that’s like my least fave thing about him right up there with his nose whistles and his lack of motivation to finish projects in a timely fashion.)

  • SEX TALK ON THE BLVD

I was about to go for a walk earlier on Thanksgiving and Henry was all, “Let me know if the Mexican grocery is open” because one of the recipes I assigned to him for T-Day was Mexican. “I wasn’t going to walk that way, but OK fine,” I sighed.

And just as I texted Henry to tell him that it was, indeed, open, this old man beckoned me over to him. Now this wasn’t just a rando, this was the guy who used to own a Greek restaurant called It’s Greek To Me and now he sadly spends all of his days loitering on the boulevard, selling junk for cash. He always tells me I’m beautiful and you know what, sometimes I need to hear that even if it’s coming from an old man who is possibly suffering from dementia.

On this day, he had a vase of flowers that looked like he plucked straight from the alley weeds. I gave him the universal “no money” shrug but he started asking me additional questions, like “what’s your name” and I truly have a soft spot for old guys so I quietly sighed and pressed pause on my audio book.

And hoo boy, how I wish I hadn’t done that. He held me hostage for probably no more than five minutes but you know how  that can seem like an eternity when you’re in a FML sitch. A lot of fucking nonsense was said (like how he was Cleopatra’s husband) but I will tell you that he was VERY AGITATED when he learned that I have a son because I should be a virgin and he literally gave me a sex talk about said that “nothing should be coming out of there” and that I should only LET HIM IN THERE OMFG WHYYYYY GOD WHYYYYY. Then he asked me for a hug and I started to say no because PANDEMIC but he interrupted me and said, “I understand, we have to get to know each other first.”

Then he told me that he was going to be down by the state store and laundromat later that afternoon, and if I could bring him a coffee and $10 so that he can get his passport renewed (maybe if this was 1965) and then he’s going to take me to Cairo and buy me a bikini the color of the wilted flowers he was schilling and we can lay on the beach together. Additionally, he wanted steak because he doesn’t like turkey.

I did the whole, “Oh OK, sure” bit and as I walked away, he shouted, “ERIN I LOVE YOU!” and I was mortified because the Boulevard was pretty poppin’ for a Thanksgiving morning.

  • PARANOPE

G-Dragon’s new Nikes went on sale Wednesday at 10AM and I was all set to give it the ol’ college try, and even had Henry and my friend Carrie (no stranger to competing with sneakerheads for limited edition shoes) trying for me, but as per usual, the power of GD crashed the fucking Nike site and the shoes sold out in every size in pretty much 2 minutes. One of these days!!!

Though at this rate, I think I’d have better odds actually befriending GD and having him gift me with the even more limited “friends and family” version.

  • EWs and AWs

Today Chooch and I went for a walk with no time restraints since we both had the day off. As we walked past this one house, a little toddler girl came to the door and we both said “ew.”

Then on the next block, we saw a ball chilling among some trees and we both said, “aw.”

So, to summarize:

ew to children

aw to discarded toys

We are basically the same damn person sometimes.

  • JONNY CRAIG REMAINS A PIECE OF SHIT

I mean, is it even accurate to classify him as only a PIECE of shit? He’s basically an entire manure packaging plant. The latest is that he was in jail for domestic violence, but only for a week. He’s back out and back to being a bitch. I never mention him anymore because he’s so worthless but I do check in every so often when my blog stats spike because that ALWAYS means he’s done something atrocious again and people are inspired to google him at which point they find y blog. The blog posts I’ve written about him in the past are still my most-viewed posts of all time, which is actually kind of depressing that out of everything I’ve written in this junkyard of words, those are the posts that have had the longest shelf life. Sigh.

Anyway, for anyone keeping score, he had a baby with some broad over the summer but immediately went back to cheating on her and doing drugs and she oscillates between fighting with him publicly via Instagram and tagging the girls he’s cheating with, to defending him and slut-shaming anyone who tries to tell her that he’s sliding into their DMs.

He needs to spend the rest of his life alone. His ex-girlfriends have (maybe literally) dodged a bullet by putting him in their rearview mirrors. I just hate him and what he has done to so many people over the years and I wish that people would keep accepting him back into the music industry because he shouldn’t have a career anymore. It’s just enabling him and he thinks he’s fucking invincible. Stop supporting that asshole!! If you want to hear beautiful voices I can point you in the direction of some Korean singers who blow his strained vocals out of the water. (Check out any of the main vocalists from Exo, for instance.)

BONUS:

I’d be remiss if I ended this week without even a mention of GOT7, who just had a comeback after what seems like forever. I love GOT7 so much, they are in my top 5 boy groups, and I think it would be fantastic if everyone reading this watches their new video because it’s SO GOOD.

 

Nov 202020
 

Dear Internet Diary,

I’m extremely unorganized when it comes to photos, which is awful when it comes to preservation but also fun when I randomly come across one when I’m digging in a drawer for a pen or safety pin or the glasses that I never wear. Here are some that I unearthed recently which I thought would be fun to share since the only other things I have to talk about right now are the recipes I’ve chosen for Henry to make for Thanksgiving, Taemin/SHINee stuff, and my continuously rising ire at people who STILL REFUSE TO WEAR A FUCKING MASK. I just…I can’t do it today. So let’s look at some old ass pictures, spanning various decades of shitty hairstyles!

  1. THE OBLIGATORY WILDWOOD SHOT

You guys. I remember this like it was yester-fucking-day and not OMG 1988. It was taken at my beloved Wildwood, New Jersey on one of my family’s summer vacations. Every night after dinner, we would go to the boardwalk, specifically Morey’s Piers, for some junk food and ride action. Here are some things I would like to point out about this photo:

  • I had just gotten my hair cut that summer and it was a huge deal because my hair is pretty long prior to this, and I got bangs too which was MAJOR YOU GUYS. I remember getting my hair done at a salon called Shear Talent which was down the street from my Pappap’s drywall company. This is notable because it was located next to an apartment that OLYMPIC WRESTLER KURT ANGLE* lived in sometime in the 90s and I know that this is true because my dad worked for the gas company and had to go there to like, read the meter or fix something back then, I don’t know. But he came home and was so excited and I was like “Oh.”
    • *I cared so little about this that I originally put “Engler” as his last name and then decided to google to make sure I even had the right guy. I did. That’s him.
  • My dad and Ryan and those other people are looking up because the boardwalk’s famous looping coaster, The Sea Serpent, had gotten stuck with people on it and this was major news because it was the 80s and we didn’t have Twitter and a psychotic president abusing it, and also maybe all the serial killers were on sabbatical.
  • *waves back to the stranger lady*
  • I fucking loved that shirt that I was wearing. I have no idea why I liked it so much.
  • This was the year I started to get fat and ugly.

2. Erin Rachelle Kelly, Babysitter Extraordinaire

From the looks of this picture, I would wager to say it was the summer of 1996. It was definitely taken in my mom’s living room and I can promise you that the camera had the timer set and was propped up on her antique roll-top desk. Here are some things I remember:

  • That broad (lol, we were like 16 but OK, Erin) in the middle is the KERI THAT WAS MENTIONED A FEW BLOG POSTS AGO WHEN I WAS V. MAD THAT JASON VOORHEES CHOSE HER OVER ME. And that’s her  then-boyfriend Dan who liked me first but I went on one date and passed him on to Keri, who ended up dating him for quite some time (I mean, probably like 6 months which was the equivalent to like 5 years in high school time) and then one time I had a little get together like almost a year after this picture was taken and he was there and seriously you guys I’m pretty sure he was on his way to sexually assaulting me when I was drunk and the only thing that stopped him was my friends Justin and Jon opening the door to the laundry room (the same one where I found out Gionni Versace was killed!!) and seeing that he had me pushed against the wall, at which point they escorted him out of my house and Justin drove him home. I ill never forget that.
  • I was definitely supposed to be babysitting my brothers here and I still can’t believe that my mom ever trusted me to babysit.
  • There’s a similar picture floating around somewhere in which my brothers are holding butcher knives.
  • I was the Overall Queen in the 90s.
  • Might try to bring back the “showing off the bruise on my thigh” pose.

3. If It Doesn’t Taste Good…

OK this is really bizarre because I have zero recollection of this photo but Chooch found it in his room when we were rearranging it a few months ago. I know that this was obviously from the vacation I was on that summer with my grandparents and Sharon but I’m not sure where exactly we were here, and I only vaguely remember the people here but I’m sure I could pull out one of y vacation journals to fact check, but that would almost imply that I’m a legit blogger and come on, we all know it’s “half-assed of GTFO” over here in these parts. There’s a bunch of fun facial expressions we can expound upon but when I first found this picture, my immediate response was to scream because that gentleman standing in the middle was the greatest. I believe his name was John and he and his wife really took a liking to my Pappap so they would often join us at our table for travel group dinners.

This man gave me the GREATEST advice of all time, and I think about it A LOT:

If it doesn’t taste good, put cheese on it.

I can’t tell you how many times over the years I have attempted to make food for myself and, after the first inaugural taste/forced swallow, I’d grab the parmesan out of the fridge door and give my plate a hearty sprinkling.

I tried to tell Chooch this story but he peaced out as soon as I said “Europe with my grandparents” because he hates hearing stories about my silver spooned childhood.

4. RICOLA

One of my best childhood memories was the time I turned 11 in Switzerland (Chooch is burying his head under a pillow right now). I was V.SHY then (I came out of my shell by 7th grade) and so, when the MC of the dinner theater thingie we were attending asked for volunteers to blow on the Ricola horn (honestly I have no idea what that thing is actually called but it’s in the Ricola cough drop commercials!), my grandparents and Sharon nearly shit their pants when I raised my hand.

It might have been my first YOLO moment!? I dunno, but to this day I prefer Ricola over everything else.

(Fun fact: I also received a birthday scroll from the restaurant that night, which is framed and still hanging in my house after all these years.)

(That’s a lie: It was hanging up until a month ago when we painted the dining room and still needs to be re-hung.)

5. Staircase Model

I know this is really crazy that I’m giving you all of these facts about myself on a blog that has my name in it, but here’s another:

I guess my aunt Sharon was trying to distract me of the impending birth of my brother Ryan which directly correlates with the RUINATION OF MY LIFE (j/k, I love my brother but I also really loved being an only child) when she took me to open auditions for some child modeling / acting agency. Apparently, she thought I would be automatically accepted since I already had like 4 years of posing in every single new outfit she bought for me.

I have no idea what happened to me, aside from the fact that my genes dictated my path and lead me straight to Homelyville, but now that I am an adult, I cannot pose for a picture to save my fucking life. But back then, I was SO GOOD at the arms akimbo/hip-jut combo. Now I just look like the entire precinct shouted SMILE!! while I was preparing for my mugshot.

Anyway, I wanted to include this picture in particular because I HAVE ROLLS OF THAT WALLPAPER NOW! The pattern is made from velvet or something and I can’t wait to do something with it.

***

Actually now that I look at these, I had bangs in every single one and now I feel like I want bangs agai—NO ERIN *SLAPS FACE* YOU DON’T WANT BANGS.

Nov 182020
 

Feeling the need to shoot some bullets up in this piece today.

  • Like pretty much everyone else in the world, I have been super antsy and bored these last several months. You know it’s bad when nothing in your YouTube feed interests you anymore, so I cried uncle and queued up the ol’ Netflix, with which I have such a bad rapport.
    • Here are all of the shows I have tried to watch over the last month or so on Netflix and then gave up after 1 or 2 episodes:
      • Evil (what a fucking hokey snoozefest)
      • Sweet Magnolias (like Gilmore Girls with less witty banter/more predictable drama)
      • Virgin River (I really like the main lady and then my mind was blown when I realized the main dude is the guys from the Ring and Britney’s Toxic video, and I might actually try this one again at some point because I didn’t hate it but I was bored)
      • Northern Rescue (somehow I let this play through three episodes before realizing I wasn’t watching it anymore)
      • Dawson’s Creek (You know it’s bad when there are 27340927304 streaming services and you can’t find anything to watch so you decide to revisit Dawson’s Creek and can only manage to make it to the second episode before having second-embarrassment for your younger self that actually thought this was a good show. Does not hold up.)
    • Here are all of the (non-Korean) shows that actually hooked me and I would recommend to everyone, also on netflix:
      • The Unicorn (sometimes you need a feel-good American sitcom, and also a show with 25 minute episodes)
      • Dash + Lily (Um, this was fucking everything I needed and I cried a lot and also adored every single person on this show)
      • In the Dark (OMG does the CW actually have good shows on it again that aren’t just about super heroes or supernatural shit?? I haven’t finished the first season yet but I am obsessed with every single character and have laughed and cried. Also, the guide dog’s name is Pretzel. We love a good dog name.)
      • The Queen’s Gambit (I don’t know SHIT about chess but this show was fucking amazing and I am now considering learning Russian – because Korean is going so well lol.)
  • Speaking of Korean, I was reading “Shine” by Jessica Jung, former lead vocalist of arguably the most iconic Kpop girl group, Girl’s Generation, and I laughed because “noonchi ubssuh” was used in this after I just wrote about it on here last week! I’m used to seeing it Romanized a different way though which is the frustrating thing about when Korean words are written out using the English alphabet – there are so many variations when there is only one way  to spell it in Korean using the Hangul alphabet. But yeah, to review last week’s lesson, “noonchi” means like…to be self-aware, to be considerate of others, etc. And “ubssuh” means “to not have it.” So, they’re saying that the person is basically rude, clueless. I read that the literal translation is to gauge a person’s emotion by looking into their eyes, so basically to be socially aware, I guess. noon – eyes. chi – emotion.

  • UNPOPULAR OPNION: I don’t like Lizzo. I’m sorry.
  • The other night, I had a dream that I was standing outside of my Pappap’s house when a white pick-up truck came barreling down the street, made a hard turn into my Pappap’s front yard and plowed through the side of the upper garage, then drove off. I ran into the street screaming, trying to see their license plate, when I noticed that there was a woman walking down the street and the truck slowed down to say something to her. I asked her what they said and she was like, “he just said for me not to tell you who he is.” Then later, I was at Felix-from-“In the Dark”‘s apartment and the white pick-up truck was trying to kick down the door (which was just a flimsy piece of plywood) because he was trying to kill me and that’s when I saw that it was my birth dad who died right before my third birthday but was actually SURPRISE alive and my mom kept it a secret all these years which, if you know my mom, is actually something that could happen in my non-dream, awake life. So that was concerning.
    • Also I don’t think I have ever dreamt of my birth dad before and I rarely even think about him, so this was nice.
  • I feel like such an old hag but I hate the new Instagram and Twitter updates. I’m so tired of “Stories” taking over social media. If I don’t want your stories on Instagram, I’m surely not going to watch them on Twitter. Also, I thought “Fleets” was such a dumb name for them but then it finally clicked this morning why it’s called that and, well done Twitter, but it’s still stupid!! And now every time I try to post something on IG, it brings up Reels instead because I keep forgetting they moved all of THE IMPORTANT features. God I hate change. I miss the days when IG was new and no one I knew used it so all of my friends were random people who I added simply because I liked the photos  they were taking. YOU KNOW BECAUSE IT’S A PHOTO APP. Now it’s just a meme junkyard because all of the Facebook people infiltrated.

  • Last night, Chooch dramatically declared that it was “face mask and The Unicorn” time, and to “don’t disturb him.” Of course, I hid behind my bedroom door while he was applying th eface mask in the bathroom, because I had a clear shot of his bedroom from  the crack in the door and wanted to take a clandestine photo, but then he came out of the bathroom and immediately shut his door when he went into his room! So I blew my own cover and ambushed him with my phone. He wasn’t very pleased, but I’m the leader of this household and do what I want. ( just think it’s funny that he pulls his hair up into a unicorn horn-esque ponytail which is apropos here since he was watching The Unicorn (he kept craning his neck from the dining room while I was watching it a few weeks ago and then decided to just watch it on his own because he tries so HARD TO BE LIKE HIS MOMMY.)
  • It’s been a week and a half and I’m still done laughing at Four Seasons Total Landscaping. I keep meaning to buy a commemorative shirt.
  • Chooch has Civics now that he’s in 9th grade and he was worried in the beginning that he was going to hate it but turns out, he really enjoys it a lot and we talk about politics all the time now on our nightly strolls and if you had told me even as little as 5 years ago that one day I’d be having animated political discourse with my son for fun, I’d be like, “LOL fuck a politic amirite.” If there is one thing to credit Trump for, it’s that his complete fuckery made me actually care about shit, I guess.

  • Chooch and I went to the library yesterday to pick up books we had ordered. Usually, I still call ahead and do the curbside pick-up but honestly, there is typically no one else inside the library so we feel relatively OK going inside with our masks. On the way to the check-out counter, there is a “grab-and-go” table with paper bags filled with books, in case you’re trying to spice up your reading life with some mystery books and by mystery I mean literally that you don’t know what books are inside. They do have labels though so you at least know the genre, and Chooch of course honed right in on a bag of holiday cookie books. I started to shake my head no because what the fuck do I want that for, but one of the librarians said to him, “Go ahead, you take that if you’d like” and he smirked at me. At least he had them use his own damn library card for them though, and then on the way home, I was like “You know, if you’re going to make cookies, maybe you can make some boxes and give them away as Christmas gifts.” So then of course I actually made myself excited for that because I like buying cute boxes and shit and Chooch happily started to make a list of cookies he chose from the books and then we made a list of recipients. But then I was like, “Shit, is this safe?” so I had to google “Can you give people homemade cookies during the pandemic” (2020 is the year of bizarre google searches, isn’t it?) and apparently it’s fine as long as we’re not blowing dandelions at people when we hand them over (we plan on just dropping them off on porches and mailing when needed, so I think it should be fine?). And trust me, we’re all manic hand-washers here at the Palace Pioneer and our kitchen is like a sanitary station because I’m obsessed with it being clean ever since we redesigned it, so you can eat our cookies with confidence.
  • When Henry and I were at Lowe’s on Saturday, a 90s-ish song came on the radio and I was like “Shit I haven’t heard this song since….probably whatever year it came out” but I couldn’t think right away who it was and I almost NEVER have cell service in Lowe’s so my Shazam wouldn’t work and Henry can NEVER fucking hear the overhead music in stores ISTFG, so I had to wait until we got outside before I could google the lyrics. “Oh wow,” I said. “It was Filter, and I never would have guessed that. I kept wanting to say it was…..you know….” but I couldn’t think of the fucking band’s name! “You know, the singer is Perry….shit what’s his last name….you know, he created Lollapalooza.” Henry shrugged. “Side project was Porno For Pyros? DAVE NAVARRO!??!!?” Sill Henry was like, “Shit I know who you mean but I can’t think of the name either!” and by now I was tonguing tears of frustration off my cheeks. “And I was supposed to see them at Mellon Arena that one time with Wonka? We had pit tickets, but I had a migraine and couldn’t go and gave my ticket to that kid I met in line for the Cold show!?” Henry was just like, “THAT DOES NOT HELP ME” because I don’t think Henry and I were dating yet lol. Anyway, he finally remembered it hours later and he gave me clues until I finally shrieked JANE’S ADDICTION and Chooch was like, “WTF is happening never mind I don’t care.”
    • So the whole reason I’m telling you this boring ass story about two old people trying to remember an old band is because yesterday in the book I was reading JANE’S ADDICTION was referenced and I fucking swear this happens to me so often, that it actually scares me! Fucking synchronicity.
    • Oh, the song was “Take a Picture” by Filter, but I only really ever liked their older song “Nice Shot” because it reminded me so much of hanging out with Lisa in high school. We were the perfect of example of opposite’s attract because where she was super into alternative and metal, I was a little yo-girl constantly trying to slip my Bone Thugs n Harmony tapes into the cassette player of her Jeep. ANYHOO, she really liked Filter and before we would leave her house for whatever daily idiotic adventure we were about to finds ourselves embroiled in, she would ask me which shirt she should wear and I’d always pick Filter but then she started making me choose between just two shirts so that I wasn’t making her wear the same shirt every time.
  • Chooch and I went for a walk on my lunch break and I tried to tell him the Jane’s Addiction saga and he was like, “mmhmm cool wow” and I was so mad that he didn’t find it interesting but then we both saw an albino squirrel and….what was I talking about again?

And I’ll leave you with a classic Girl’s Generation video:

Nov 132020
 

Hello, I have had this shell of a Friday Five on tap for like three weeks and then either quit caring on Friday or found something else to post or just blacked out entirely, but today we’re going to finally open the gates and release this hound from Friday Five hell.

This Friday Five might be bitchy, so I tucked away that adorbs photo of a popsicle-sucking GD up there to make the transition into KARENLAND a bit smoother.

DUMB ASS FUCKING BITCH IKEA

I fucking hate Ikea! Yes, a lot of our furniture is from Ikea and I don’t really have beef with that  but Ikea itself is such a fucking shitstorm and every time I have a complaint or need help, it feels like I’m screaming into the ocean. We have been updating Chooch’s room since August because half the shit he chose was out of stock and even though we have alerts set up to tell us when things are back in stock, they clearly don’t work because we have to find out ourselves by periodically checking online.

Today, I randomly cruised on over to their site and found that, lo and behold, the bed frame he wanted is finally in stock at the Pittsburgh store so I got out my Ikea card and was ready to purchase that bitch, but I kept getting an error message every time I entered my zip code LIKE I DO NOT KNOW MY ZIP CODE, HONEYGIRL I’VE LIVED IN BROOKLINE FOR 21 YEARS.

I tried multiple browsers, and eventually it “recognized” my piece of shit zip code but then only gave me the option to pick up the bed in Columbus, Ohio! I was like DID THIS BITCH BED SELL OUT WHILE I WAS IN ZIPCODE HELL??? so I backed out and went back to the listing and NO IT WAS STILL IN STOCK FOR PITTSBURGH.

So I tried it again and the fucking error message started back up and then I was like I AM GOING TO CALL THESE BITCHES but I was hold on forever, listening to come recorded bitch talk about how it’s easier to contact them through the website, WRONG. I know, because I FUCKING TRIED!!! Their FAQs are worthless, and the only way I could make any contact was by filling out A FEEDBACK FORM in which I typed four paragraphs regarding my anger, detailing my struggles and saying IT’S ALMOST LIKE YOU DON’T WANT MY MONEY. Then! I signed off by saying that I guess I am just not nimble enough to jump through their fiery Swedish hoops and the worst part is that I did all of this and Chooch doesn’t even care!!!!!!!

BITCH GO SLEEP IN A FUCKING CARDBOARD BOX UNDER A BRIDGE THEN.

Let’s pause and look at this delicious beet burger I had from Chick Habit a few weeks ago. It was divine.

HAPPY FUCKING PEPERO DAY TO EVERYONE (BUT IKEA)

November 11th was Pepero Day, which is one of the most adorable holidays recognized in South Korea (and they have quite a few!). So let me do my best white girl Koreansplainin’ here on this blog of despair.

Pepero is a cookie-stick treat similar to Pocky, but these are made by the Korean megalith Lotte. (Lotte also has a giant indoor/outdoor amusement park called Lotte World and of course we went there and it was fucking amazing but also fucking crowded, lol.) OK back to Pepero! So, legend has it that young girls used to think that eating Pepero would make them skinny, I guess since they’re skinny sticks, never mind that the calorie count listed clearly on the box says otherwise. But if eaten at 11:11, you apparently up your chances at getting even skinnier.

Thus, November 11th, or 11/11, was deemed Pepero Day, since the date looks like four sticks of Pepero, which is fucking adorable. It’s turned into something akin to Valentine’s Day in Korea, with people giving boxes of the sweet sticks to crushes, loved ones, friends, family, probably teachers they’re trying to suck up to, etc.

Anyway, Henry is off all week so I sent him to one of the Asian markets to grab some boxes for us and our neighbors (aka Blake & Co.) because what good is Pepero Day if you don’t share Pepero!? I shared some virtually with my work team and they were all supportive and into this idea of celebrating for no reason except for GLENN whose curmudgeonly response was, “Sounds like a super-spreader event.”

Shut up, Glenn.

Here’s a “Drew Helping Henry Make Serial Killer Cards” interlude.

EW ALSO before I move on to the next topic, I was in the kitchen waiting for my kettle water to boil when I thought to myself, with much ire, “Fuck Ikea, and fuck their stupid meatballs too that I can’t even eat!” and then at that exact moment I looked over at our Echo Show and right there on the screen was a blatant picture of a MEATBALL PIE. UGH!!!

xxx DORCHESTER AVE

Chooch and I went for a walk around the town on Tuesday when suddenly (or, if you want to use my favorite Korean word: KAPCHUGGI), some inbred hick children on a porch shouted, nay–hollered, “TRUMP 2020” at us. We paused briefly and looked over our shoulders to see what kind of redneck specimen we were dealing with, when they kept shouting garbled insults. The one thing I did hear was one of them calling me a FUCKING WHORE–completely unprovoked!!!!–at which point I had to brace myself because “REMINDER, MISS ERIN, 40-YEAR-OLDS MUST NOT ENGAGE WITH TEENAGERS” so instead I flipped them off.

“TELL IT TO MY FACE!” one of them fired back on the tail-end of a loogie and as I was about to turn around and do just that, Chooch tugged my arm and stage-whispered, “PLEASE LET’S JUST GO, KEEP WALKING OMG.”

“Do you know them!?” I cried, and he said, “No, and I don’t want to!” So we continued on our walk but I had the rage-shakes at this point and to  make matters worse, we were in a part of Brookline where we never walk and it brought us out near the laundromat where we hid from Henry that one time, and the walk back from this area is not easy. The original plan was that we were just going to walk a certain distance and then turn around but now we couldn’t do that since Chooch didn’t want his mom to end up in the slammer for bullying kids. (Apparently one of them was about 8, he said, lol. I didn’t get a good look at any of them on account of the MURDER CURTAINS lowering across my face, and also I have bad eyesight.)

So we ducked into the nearby Dollar General and called Henry to come pick us up. Henry was….not very excited to be dragged into this, especially when I gave him explicit directions back to the Hick House so that I could harass them but they were no longer on the porch. Chooch snagged the house address though and we came home and signed them up for all kinds of spam mail and I am also going to type up a NICE LETTER to send to their parents so that they know they’re shitbag children are harassing people but who am I kidding, their mama was probably slinking around on the other side of the door, slurring, “YINZ GET ‘EM BOYS. FUCKIN’ LIBRULLS.”

(It wasn’t like we were parading around their street in a bedazzled Biden/Harris robe! We could have been Trump supporters for all they knew! God, I wish MAGA would stick their collective dicks in a light socket.)

Henry kind of got into it later thought and went as far as to look up the owner of the house – they’re apparently renting it from some broad.

I HAD A REVIEW

Today was my annual performance review and the comments I got from Boss Amber were honestly the best ones yet I think and I MIGHT HAVE teared up while reading it. I mean, it’s always a good sign when it starts out with “Erin is a rare gem in the department.” In last year’s review, I was the “department unicorn.” WHAT SHOUD I STRIVE FOR NEXT???

It’s hard to believe we haven’t worked from the office since March. I miss everyone so much. Yeah, we talk on the phone and Jabber or whatever, but it’s not the same. And sometimes I feel like I’m just over here talking into a void and wondering if anyone would even notice if I, say, went missing because my passive aggressive handling of the Dorchester Avenue situation became less passive and more aggressive and Porch Kids’ Papa snatched me from my yard and now I’m bound and gagged with a surplus of GRAB ‘EM BY THE PUSSY bumper stickers and locked in some local Brookline basement VOTER FRAUD WAR ROOM, right next to the commode and an empty case of IRON CITY BEER.

IT’S CHH CHH CHH HAA HAA HAA DAY

Or, Friday the 13th for those of you who don’t live your life in onomatopoeia. Sugar Spell Scoops has a special flavor for today so of course we had to snatch up a pint!

We are hashtag so blessed to have such a…killer vegan ice cream joint in Pittsburgh. I’m serious – I mean, I love ice cream but I can’t remember ever getting this hyped over a local scoop shop releasing new flavors, honestly. I can’t wait for covid to hit the road so I can drag my friends there for some social scoops instead of hoarding pints here at home.

(We also got Peanut Butter Cinnamon Fluffernutter and Pumpkin Pecan Fudge in this round of pint preorders and I’m PRETTY PLEASED with this selection.)

***

Well, guys, I think that’s about all I got for this here Friday Five but if I think of anything else pressing, I’ll schedule a press conference at the Four Seasons Total Landscaping and….fill you in.

Oct 232020
 

Do I really need an intro.

Terrordome

This damn ticket to a haunted house is 25 years old. I always keep it tucked into a frame of a picture on a wall so it’s kind of like permanent decor at this point, but I was looking at it the other day when I took it down to dust said picture frame (and by dust I mean I just gave it a good swipe with my hand, housewife who now?) and felt awash with memories. (Or maybe that was just the dust particles.

Some thoughts I had while looking at this ticket:

  • $13.50 is CHEAP AF for a haunted house nowadays but I remember in 1995 thinking that it was expensive (actually, I probably didn’t give it a second thought – I was 16 and my mom paid for everything!). But this was a big deal because it was located in the old Civic Arena, which is where the Penguins used to play, and this was back when haunted houses were in old schools and VFWs so it was exciting to have some big budget, commercialized haunt to attend (and now I wish we could just go back to 1995 where haunted houses were all garbage bag walls and gratuitous gropings, le sigh). I wish I could tell you if it was “worth” the whopping $14 bucks, but I honestly can’t remember the inside at all aside from ELVIRA being there one night (we went like three times lol) and getting her to sign a picture for my dad. But what I do remember is that they had some of the best monsters entertaining the people in line outside and I became obsessed with two of them, one of whom I would run into a few years on the Southside and practically accost, all excitedly screaming I REMEMBER YOU FROM TERRORDOME and she was like I HAVE PEPPER SPRAY DO I NEED TO USE IT. Anyway, I would run into numerous times after that on purpose because she went on to become local legend PHAT MAN DEE and my friend Wonka and I used to attend her performances back in the day. This one time, she actually sat with us in between sets at the Lava Lounge and we thought we were literally the coolest fucking people ever, or at least at that bar.
  • I mentioned that we went several times that season, but it was because we had so much fun hanging out outside of the venue that my friend Keri and I begged my mom to take us back. OK FINE THERE WAS A BOY. Keri and I became friendly with Jason Voorhees and ended up hanging out with him outside of the arena for like, hours. I had the biggest crush on him ever but OF FUCKING COURSE Keri snagged him because that was her sole purpose in life, pushing up her boobs and doing things with her tongue. I remember her shot-gunning his cigarette while we were sitting there and I was so pissed, and then of course she only dated him for a hot minutes because she couldn’t have meaningful ANYTHINGS back then and probably now too but I wouldn’t know because I haven’t talked to her since 2006 when she sold me out to Henry’s ex-wife because she was hanging out at the bar his ex worked at and was getting free beer. YEAH, FREE BEER FOR GIVING HER THE INSIDE SCOOP ON MY LIFE. MORE LIKE BLOOD BEER!!
    • Jason Voorhees (I don’t remember his real name) wasn’t even that cute when he took his mask off.
  • LOL @ the now-defunct Bell Atlantic as a sponsor.

 

MOLE DAY

We finally got Chooch a gaming computer after years of crying for one and begging Janna to give him hers. For the first couple days, he was very grateful and being super helpful around the house but now he’s back to normal. It was nice while it lasted. :(

I was “getting ready for work” yesterday morning (by that I mean I still brush my hair and do my eyebrows because you never know when a surprise video call could happen). Chooch was “in Chemistry” and from the bathroom, I heard his teacher say, “Tomorrow is a special day in Chemistry. Anyone know why?

“I bet it’s Mole Day,” I whisper-screamed from the hallway.

Chooch ignored me.

Anyone want to try and guess?” his teacher asked again from the computer screen.

“Mole Day!” I repeated.

“I’m not saying that,” Chooch grumbled, because in his mind HOW CAN A MOTHER KNOW THINGS.

I’ll give you a hint: it relates to a number in chemistry,” the teacher sounded sad and desperate now, just like I was TO HAVE MY ANSWER PASSED ON.

“TELL HIM IT’S MOLE DAY!” I wheezed, hopping from foot-to-foot in frustration.

It’s Mole Day,” the teacher sighed to the virtual classroom of stoops.

“TELL HIM I KNEW THAT!” I screamed. “TELL HIM YOUR MOM KNEW!”

“No because then everyone will know that—”

“–that what, your mom is smarter than them!?”

“–my weird mom is being creepy and listening in to  my class,” Chooch sighed.

We are so over each other.

NEIGHBORHOOD VEG HOOKUP

OK you guys look I am really guilty about this because you know how much I LOVED PARKER’S, the local sandwich shop with the cool aesthetic and “we’re all family here” vibes that the owner gave off, and I cried when they announced they were closing, and then I vowed to hate whatever took its place, but LOOK, OAK HILL POST IS THE SHIT, OK? I CAN’T HELP IT. Granted, I can’t eat 90% of what’s on the menu because meat, but their veggie burger is the best around, and the cauliflower soup I had a few weeks ago was garnished with GINGERBREAD CRUMBLES and you can fucking fight me right here, right now if you don’t think it was delicious. And don’t get me started on their fluffy, soft buttermilk biscuits with lemon curd and house jam, omfg.

Anyway, earlier in the week they announced on Instagram that they were going to debut a vegan sandwich. OK, look. I have had “vegan sandwiches” at carnivorous eateries before and it usually equates to the kitchen dumping some basic veggies (zucchini, tomatoes, and peppers generally) onto a wrap and calling it a day. I mean, OK that’s fine. But you’d be surprised at the wide array of disappointing veggie wraps I’ve had in my life! In fact, there was one road trip recently where I had like three in a row that made me want to cry.

But I had a feeling that this one was crafted with thoughtfulness and quality ingredients, and hoooooo boy-o I was correct-o-mundo. First of all, that bread. Thank you for one-upping a basic wrap, Oak Hill Post. Sincerely, thank you for serving these quality vegetables on a high-class carb vessel.

Oh and in between the bread-flaps? MOROCCAN SPICED CELERY ROOT. Did I know that I liked that!? Not until Wednesday. Now it’s all I can think about. Also: lettuce and red pepper hummus. But the celery root was what carried this thing, man. I couldn’t stop eating it and then I was so sick afterward because my stomach is not used to hearty vegan sandwiches, but the pain was worth it. It’s so comforting to know that I have a viable veg/vegan food option within walking distances, right here in my ‘hood. #blessed

ALEXA SHOW ME HENRY CELERY ROOT RECIPES.

LC4LYFE

I opened Instagram after work and the first thing I saw was Lauren Conrad posting an IGTV video of a Laguna Beach reunion and I was like OH HOLD THE PHONE, dropped everything and watched the entire 30 minute. I was LIVING for it. I loved Laguna Beach so fucking much and I still support LC with my whole heart (well, part of it – my heart is pulled in a ton of different directions).

Anyway, at the end when everyone was saying goodbye, tears started SQUIRTING out of my eyes and I scream-laughed OMG WHY AM I CRYING and henry just smirked and mumbled, “I’m not surprised.”

Almost all of them look / the same so good still! Stephen Colletti especially there I said it.

Man I miss the early 2000s so much.

Now of course I’m watching Laguna Beach compilation videos on YouTube.

TV TALK

In an earlier post, I whined about not liking Haunting of Bly Manor but then I finished it and while I still stand by the opinion that it was not scary at all, I ended up really loving it when I realized that holy shit, this is a goddamn love story. I cried SO HARD throughout the last episode (and am crying again thinking about it, I hate myself) that I had to hide my face with a pillow because Henry was sitting next to me and even after 19 years I’m still like DON’T SEE ME when I’m crying.

Then for shits and giggles, I started watching Emily in Paris earlier this week, thinking it was like some Teen Nick show. Nope. Not even. I rarely binge shows but I had this one devoured in two days. It helped that the episodes were only like 20-30 minutes though! Was it cheesy? Yes. Did I learn how to say raunchy things in French? Yes. Is Lily Collins totally fucking likeable? Yes. Will I watch Season 2 if it happens? TRES OUI.

Henry and I watched The Lodge over the weekend. I thought it was really great and pretty scary but he was like, “eh.” I LIKE CULT SHIT and the plot was A+. But seriously, Henry is the worst person to watch horror movies with because he rarely likes one and is “never scared.” I did get him to admit that the only horror movie that ever scared him was It’s Alive, but he quickly clarified that he saw it when it came out and he was “just a kid.” Mmhmm. Anyway, The Lodge was made by the same people who did Goodnight, Mommy, and that movie WAS SO FUCKING GOOD. This one wasn’t as good, but I would recommend it all the same. The atmosphere was so stark and cold, the cast was great (would have liked to have had more Alicia Silverstone though!), and it was actually less predictable than I imagined. Incidentally, it was the second time in a week that we watched something with Riley Keough in it and I had previously never even heard of her (I’m vicariously living in Korea, remember?). Turns out she’s Elvis’s granddaughter.

Oh! And I watched An American Murder or whatever the fuck that new Netflix documentary is called. Chooch started watching it with me but then had to go play Fortnight or something and said he’d watch the rest later and then when he overheard me say something to Henry about the husband killing his wife, Chooch was like WOW OK SPOILER and I was like, “This isn’t fiction though, it literally happened and we already knew it was the husband!?” But yeah, what a fucking demon dick and also the broad he was cheating with wasn’t that great, so nice one, asshole. Also Part 2, I was extremely uncomfortable that they used actual text messages in it, like I didn’t need to know how the wife was horny.

In Korean drama news, I finally started watching It’s Okay to Not Be Okay and I think the real Korean title actually translates to Psycho But Fine….my Korean skills are limited but “psycho” is “psycho” in both languages, so. Anyway, only 2 episodes in and I love it but show me a Korean drama that I won’t love, truly. The reason I was finally pushed to watch it is because the main character is a, well, psycho writer of children’s books, and the books featured in the show (dark fairytales in the vein of Tim Burton and Neil Gaiman) were made into actual books and I really want to buy them to use for learning purposes, so maybe if Jiyong and I ever get to hang out again I can bring cute books instead of text books and we could read those together instead while she makes me repeat the hard words over and over until my tongue swells and then I start hating those books, god I miss those days.

undefined

Honestly, I can’t recommend Korean dramas enough, especially now that all there is to do is binge shit. I have been trying to get JANNA to watch one BUT SHE HAS NOT DONE SO YET WHAT A BITCH HI JANNA.

***

Anyway, today is my last day of work before my annual Halloween Vacation starts so cheers to that, etc etc.

Happy fucking Mole Day, I’m out.

Oct 132020
 

I was off on Friday, so three cheers for long weekends, amirite?

It was a pretty chill weekend. The weather was wonderful, so I got in a lot of great neighborhood walks while Henry stayed home and did chores, lololol. Anyway, let’s bullet our way through this, but first, here’s a picture of Drew in the JZZBAR:

  • As we work our way through redoing various rooms, our living room gets more and more cluttered. It’s currently the catch-all for all the things that need new spots to live. It’s pretty annoying but I am trying to be patient because one day everything will be to my liking – just in time for us to pack it all up and move, probably. But while we’re on the topic of the living room, we ALMOST had the coffee table finished on Saturday! But then Dumbo Henry realized that he measured and math’d wrongly so we ended up not having enough pictures to put down so WHAT’S ANOTHER WEEK WITH AN UNFINISHED COFFEE TABLE YOU KNOW? Henry can be extremely frustrating to work with sometimes/all the time. We could never have our own DIY show. Or maybe we could, actually. The drama would be real. Might even turn into a snuff film.
  • Henry and I finished buddy-reading “The Devil All the Time” on Saturday and this was a solid 5-star for me. But more importantly, we were able to watch the movie on Netflix that night and it was really good, fairly true to the book although before it started, I adamantly punched my leg and shouted, “THEY BETTER INCLUDE THE CARNY PARTS” and GUESS WHAT, THEY DID NOT!!! So, that was a sad time for me. I have to say, I’m not sure that I would have enjoyed the movie, or even had been inspired to watch it AT ALL, if I hadn’t read the book first, but Tom Holland nailed it as Arvin Russell. Have you read the book or watched the movie? LET ME KNOW IN THE COMMENTS (lol).

  • I was so gung-ho about decorating for Halloween this year but then this is the most I’ve accomplished, lol. We even went to Spirit over the weekend and I was just like, “eh.” I knew this would happen and I’m so angry with myself that I let ambivalence win.
  • I started watching The Haunting of Bly Manor on Sunday because I had cramps and felt like doing nothing but being supine and whiny. It’s pretty engaging but not nearly as scary as The Haunting of Hill House was. I think I only have two episodes left and this bitch better go balls to the wall or I’m gonna be sad.

  • Taemin and I had our 30 day Bubble anniversary on Sunday! Getting voice messages from him is the best $3.something a month I’ve ever spent.

 

  • I’ve had numerous lithops over the years but this is the first one that sprouted a flower. Plants are so fucking weird and cool.

  • Speaking of plants, I redecorated this corner of the house and filled several bottles and vases with some of the flowers from our yard and I’m kind of like WHO AM I but also I LOVE WHO I AM NOW. Henry had to install an electrical outlet on this wall so that I could plug in the neon popsicle. And again I say, get ye a person who knows wires & currents & etc.

I made that painting for Henry several years ago for his birthday probably and I have thrown it in the garbage in various fits of rage over the years yet here it still is. It has a collection of all the music festivals I have dragged him to since 2001. I realized yesterday that I never added KCON to it so I took care of that posthaste!

  • A big reason why I’m always like HELLO I HAVE NOTHING TO SAY laterly is because the only thing I have been concerned about is the upcoming motherfucking election. I feel like my blood is powered by hot coals these days and I could fill this stupid site with rant after rant but I am not a political blogger nor am I coherent when I am angry, but OMFG when will it be enough!? The motherfucker literally infected the White House with covid and then said IT’S NOT A THREAT. BUT YOU ALREADY KNOW THAT. That piece of shit leaves the hospital for a joyride through his throngs of rabid, brainless sycophants while people HAVE DIED/ARE DYING/WILL DIE/WILL LOSE A LOVED ONE TO THIS FUCKING VIRUS and he’s telling his crazy-ass lunatic MAGA pedants not to let it control their lives?! CONTINUES TO BELITTLE AND UNDERMINE SCIENCE AND THE NECESSITY OF SOCIAL DISTANCING AND WEARING A MASK? I haven’t seen my friends, family, been to my office, eaten in a restaurant, traveled, rode a roller coaster, etc SINCE MARCH because LEGIT SCIENCE HAS PROVIDED GUIDELINES FOR US and I’m sorry, but when the FUCKING PRESIDENT struts around with his middle fingers up to Dr. Fauci and the rest of the world who are trying SO HARD to come out the other side of this pandemic, I just want to fucking dropkick him into a vat of scorpions and BLM bumper stickers. I’M SORRY BUT CAN WE STOP BEING THE LAUGHING STOCK OF THE PLANET YET? Can we call please be SMARTIES and VOTE FOR BIDEN on November 3rd!? CAN WE EVICT THIS RACIST BIRTHER PIECE OF SHIT FROM THE WHITE HOUSE AND FILL IT WITH PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY GIVE A SHIT ABOUT AMERICANS? THANK YOU.

I’m going now. I’m so angry.

P.S. I WISH HE WOULD HAVE FUCKING DIED.