Five Fingerwritings* For Friday

 Bullet Point Thoughts, Friday Five, nostalgia
Feb 242023
 

*sorry I needed the alliteration, I CLAIM POETIC LICENSE.

Since I have been sorting through boxes of my entire life’s history, I’ve been unearthing some really…interesting shit. I will say that the prospect of becoming a certified hoarder in my elder years has really terrified me into pitching a ton of stuff, mostly the boxes upon boxes of pen pals letters. Because let’s be real: when am I ever going to read those?? And when I die, Chooch will definitely just have all of my stuff 86’d anyway so might as well lessen the load now.

Anyway! I thought, wow, what a fun Friday Five it would be to share some of the handwritten notes I’ve unearthed recently. I actually had so many options, but I narrowed it down to these five for today and maybe I will do more in the future, LIKE A SERIES??

  1. AARON LOVES ERIN

I have definitely posted about this on here before, but it was a very long time ago and I think I just transcribed it. But today you get the ACTUAL LETTER.

It’s like my dad always said: I have a personality only a prisoner could love.

2. A Postcard from my Grandma

1989! This would have been my first trip to Europe, but no mention of all the times I embarrassed my grandma by being a frumpy fatty. LOL, jk kind of. I don’t think I have ever noticed how my grandma’s handwriting fluctuated between lowercase and uppercase – I do that too for sure but not that harshly! The randomly capitalized “e”s are really intriguing to me. I wonder what that means, from a handwriting analysis standpoint? Any pros here wanna weigh in?

P.S. LOL @ how she accidentally signed the card with their names and had to scratch it out.

3. VANETTA ROCKS

You guys, when I found this card, I literally said, “AWWW” out loud. Vanetta was the teenaged daughter of the people who, many moons ago, lived next to Hot Naybor Chris except that it was so long ago  that he didn’t even live there yet! Her family had already been living on this block for some time before I moved in back in 1999 and they had at least 3 other kids (I want to say two younger girls and a boy). You know I hate me some children, but I really, truly enjoyed the presence of these kids. They were just…really good and sweet. Back then, neighbors use to actually talk to each other and we’d have small block parties from time to time. I can remember one of the girls (Kristen I feel like her name was?) having a birthday so I went out and got her a present which probably wasn’t anything wild but I fully remember her being so appreciative.

Really liked that family a lot. Now Vanetta – she was the oldest and I feel like perhaps she was a half-sibling to the rest? I think she had a different dad and she was very sweet but kind of troubled. She glommed on to me pretty quickly because I wasn’t that much older than her, but older enough for her to feel “cool” to be in my presence? I will admit that she could be kind of annoying and a pain to get rid of, but at the end of the day, I did really like her. Obviously you already know by the card above that I let her come to X-Fest with Wonka and me and she was OVER THE MOON about it.

Her family ended up moving to Florida and I was so sad to see them go, but Vanetta stayed here with her dad, except that she ended up living in A MOTEL down the street for a while!? I’m not sure whatever happened to her but I would like to find out. I don’t know her last name, not sure that I ever did. Wherever she is, I sure hope she is doing well.

OH! One other funny Vanetta thing is that she was one of the first people to find out about me and Henry when she was coming over to knock on my door one day just as he was leaving and it was SO OBVIOUS that we were TRYSTING because he was leaving with wet hair after showering here. I just remember her looking at him, and then looking at me, and then looking back at him – you could hear the wheels grinding in her head!

OH! One last funny thing is that I’m pretty sure I threw out the referenced picture in that card because OMG EW I LOOKED FAT. Ugh, I hate myself bigly.

4. OLIVIA

OK OK OK, so the first time my grandparents took me to Europe, there was another girl my age on the same trip with her parents! Her name was Olivia and we became BEST FRIENDS. I can remember her parents & my grandparents scheduling phone calls for the two of us periodically after returning home from the trip. I would be so excited, waiting for the phone to ring at my Pappap’s house, thinking that it was so amazing a telephone could connect me to this girl from the west coast. Honestly, these phone calls probably only happened once or twice, lol. Sadly, my friendship with Olivia did not last very long but I bet if social media or at the very least cell phones had been prevalent at the time, maybe we’d still know each other at least at arm’s length?!

Props to her parents for including my beloved stuffed animal in the salutation, lol.

1

I FORGOT HOW COOL SHE WAS! Very Blossom-esque. Actually, perhaps she was a year or two older than me.

I was…not a cute child. LOL.

5. You guys, it’s gon’ get dark…

I actually just found this tonight when I was looking for something else and it knocked the wind out of me a little bit. So…apologies that this is about to get fucking dark, but this letter is from THE SHITTY MEAT COMPANY owner’s son, Eric. Now, you might remember that Eric sexually harassed me here and there during my 4-year tenure at this shitty job. A lot of it was suggestive, or inappropriate comments (like, “Would you fuck Stacy Dash?” Literally, the fact that I remember this one like it was yesterday….), almost threatening (“I’m going to come to your house tonight and have sex with you”), to downright blatant physical assault (RUNNING INTO MY OFFICE AND GRABBING MY CROTCH WHILE I WAS AT THE FILING CABINET, FILING INVOICES).

This was from 2000-2004. I was so young. So green. The world wasn’t what it is now. I worked at a family-owned company with no HR. Was this what the professional scene was like? Who knew!?!

Some things you need to know about Eric is that – AND I AM NOT EXCUSING HIS BEJHAVIOR – he was VERY emotionally undeveloped. This guy was in his 30s and literally had the maturity of a middle schooler. He was helpless, extremely unintelligent, just fucking clueless. His mother basically did all of his school work for him so that he could coast through high school and it showed. It really showed. On the other side of that letter up there, he spelled “imagine” as “amagin” and “celebrity” and “celiberty.” That….that was Eric.

So, the reason I have these letters is because, a few mths before everything came to a head at that place, resulting in me and Carol to walk out and me win a settlement after having a mediation with the EEOC (oh, looking back at it now, after #MeToo changed the climate of this shit, the sum I received was PATHETIC), Eric’s parents made him check into a rehab facility several hours away. He was an alcoholic and I *think* cocaine was his drug of choice? I’m not sure. But this man was so unstable and toxic.

His dad came into my office one day and asked, LOL nay – instructed, me to write Eric a letter. “It will make him feel better,” Joe said. And because I was FUCKING YOUNG AND STUPID AND THOUGHT THAT BECAUSE MY BOSS WAS TELLING ME TO DO SOMETHING NOT IN MY JOB DESCRIPTION, I STILL HAD TO DO IT EVEN IF IT WASN’T EVEN WORK-RELATED, I wrote the fucker a letter.

You guys, the day Carol and I quit, we had a screaming match with Joe. I said the shittiest things to him about Eric. It was 4 years coming. So much pent-up vitriol.

A few days after we quit, Eric had left the second rehab facility that he had begged to be transferred to because it was in Florida and it was more of a work-release type of situation where he was able to leave and he had a curfew?! I remember thinking that this sounded like an awful idea, and of course he ended up getting in trouble for breaking curfew too much and I’m sure other things happened that I can’t remember because I truly have SO MUCH of that time blocked out in my mind, but long story short, he either left or got kicked out and his MOMMY had to fly down there to bring him home, and a day later, he was speeding down Rt 837, hit a tree head on and died.

Fucking died.

A few days after I had a screaming match about him with his dad.

When I say that this happened in 2004 and I am still deep in my feelings about it to the point where I sometimes get so choked up that I can’t speak and have to just wave a hand in the air and change the subject, I am not kidding.

Yeah, so this letter. Ouch. The other one was signed FRIENDS FOREVER.

FRIENDS FOREVER, you guys. This man was so oblivious to the fact that I fucking hated him…yet at the same time, I had so much pity for him as well. His parents let him become that man. They did him no favors.

So wow – on that dark note! I’m about to go chug a glass of wine, me’thinks. Should this be a series?? NOTES FROM THE PAST? You tell me.

Not a Friday Five.

 Bullet Point Thoughts, Friday Five
Feb 182023
 

sup internet people. this was supposed to be a friday five but then Chooch had a half day and went over to Carnegie Mellon University to play soccer which I knew was happening and he does this a lot so whatever. But then Henry called me around noon because he was on his way to pick Chooch up because he fell and heard something snap!? You KNOW I got Jello legs immediately and started heavily panting, “OMG OMG OMG” as my voice gradually increased octaves.

“This is why I’m the one going to get him!” Henry said, before saying those 2 words that all women are so desperate to hear: CALM DOWN.

We love that.

Anyway, they went to Children’s Hospital because he couldn’t walk. They were there until nearly 6, mostly just waiting because it was so crowded, which prompted Henry to angrily text me about how “most of these kids could have went to the regular doctor!!!” LOL poor Henry. My friends at work kept me sane so I wasn’t fully melting down at least. Especially since Chooch responded “no” to all of my SRS INQUIRIES:

  • DO YOU THINK IT IS BROKEN;
  • IS IT BLEEDING;
  • ARE YOU CRYING

His x-ray came back clear but they want us to schedule an MRI in a few days after the swelling goes down. I would also like to point out that it took both Henry and Chooch 5 hours to tell me that it was specifically the knee that’s hurt. So now he has a knee immobilizer and crutches and is MISERABLE. I haven’t seen him yet this morning but I’m bracing myself for what the day has in store.

In other not-Friday Five news, I got my hair refreshed on Thursday. I felt so bad because I went there straight from work and was basically emotionally closed off by then. I can’t explain it but the 2023 work vibes have been complete ass. I hope something changes soon, either there or within my broken self, because I am so on edge and irritated every day.

Anyway, here is my dumb hair. I got more purple peek-a-boos, I dunno why, I don’t go anywhere for anyone to see it lol. Wait – I do have to go to the library today so I guess my security guard friend Robert will see it, lol.

I was chilling alone in my seat for a bit when one of the other stylists, whose station is right behind where I was sitting, came to get her shit and said, “Bye honey.” I dunno why I responded this way, but a torrent of enthusiasm shot off of my mouth-cannon as I yelled, “BYE!” She…wasn’t talking to me, it turns out. I didn’t realize another stylist was out of my view and that’s who she was talking to. It wasn’t that big of a deal but I was already in a fragile state and in the span of .0003 seconds went from feeling included to a complete stoop. I don’t know why I responded with so much eagerness, like an orphan being tossed an ounce of attention.

Oh well, I got over it (she says 25 years later after referencing this moment for the 87th time).

Drew waiting patiently for Chooch to come home from the hospital.

THERE HE IS, MY BROKEN BABY!!!!!!!! He was so mad that I was waiting at the door. I tried to make him hug me but he was like, “Please stop.” Then Henry was outside moving the car so Chooch had to ask me, Helpless Mother, to take him shoe off and it was a real ordeal. “YOU COULD MAYBE UNTIE IT FIRST??” he yelled as I tried to yank it off and then I was laughing so hard that I almost peed my pants, and now Henry was back in the house, just in time to help him up the steps because believe me when I tell you that BOTH of us would have landed our asses back in the hospital had it been me helping.

Then I found out that Henry consoled him in the hospital at one point by saying, “At least it’s not your mother sitting here with you.” OK WOW. I was laughing though because Megan kept telling me at work to seriously leave if I needed to but I knew that no one wished for my hysterical presence so the best thing I could do was stay home, work, and wait.

Oh, and Chooch got a deck of cards and a word search book from a candy striper while he was there so that was probably a really big deal for him because he’s like me and loves:

  • attention
  • free toy-stuffs

My new thing is trying to contain the squirrels to the backyard so that they have more coverage if the HAWK comes back. This means that now when I tap on the backporch window, they know it’s FEEDING TIME and start popping up in the tree branches. One even popped out from under our car and looked up at me with his arms at his chest, like, “who? me? food?” This one Buddy always takes a peanut and leans agains the base of his treehouse to eat it. Sometimes he’s even propped up by an elbow and it kills me. I blurted out, “HE LOOKS LIKE TOM SAWYER” and this comparison really did not sit well with Henry. He could not wrap his mind around why Tom Sawyer would be the first person to come to mind so I got RULL defensive and had to google TOM SAWYER to show him depictions of the boy sitting on logs, eating apples, etc.

He still said it was a stretch and I said HE’S a stretch.

Image result for tom sawyer apple

Image result for tom sawyer

TELL ME YOU SEE IT TOO.

I have to go now. I have things to do today. Maybe.

Friday Five: Get Yr Synth On

 Friday Five, music, nostalgia
Feb 032023
 

Billy, we got some straight up JAMS to listen to together today. During my work day, I tend to put on “retro synth” playlists on YouTube. Most of it is instrumental which is good for me because I need to con-cen-trate on what I’m doing or I will get yelled at.

Probably not, but maybe. You never know. A passive aggressive call-out, at the very least.

Anyway, I need to have background music on to block out the perpetually shrieking children next door, but if I play kpop, then I get way too into plus my ears will start subconsciously perking up every time I hear a word that I recognize and then I feel compelled to look up the lyrics to see if I was correct, and it’s just a whole thing that will deter me from the work at hand for a solid 10 or 20 or sometimes longer if I’m at that point inspired to get up and see if Give Me Five Thailand also has a cardio workout to the subject song.

See what I mean? I can’t Kpop and review engagement letters at the same time.

But synth is wonderful because it puts me in a very relaxed, comfortable zone. HOWEVER, every so often, a song with vocals will pop on that stops me dead. Here are some of the recent ones that I have been fully fucking with.

And this last one especially made me call out HENRY BRING ME MY ROLLER SKATES. It has become a sensation at work, too! Even GLENN liked it!

This is bigly inspiring me to want to have a party.

OK, it’s Friday night. An exceptionally annoying work week is officially behind me. Your girl is about to drink some wine and make a playlist for a party I will probably never actually move forward with because I am lazy and constantly distracted but at least I’ll have a sick playlist.

Friday Felicitous Fives

 Bullet Point Thoughts, Friday Five
Jan 272023
 

No more moping. Here are five things that are bringing me the happies this week:

  • Rewatching Laguna Beach and watching the Back to the Beach podcast videos with Kristin and Stephen on YouTube. I was so into this shit when it first aired on MTV. I mean, I had already graduated out of the show’s key demographic years prior, but did I care? Do I care? Pfft. Anyway, I hated Kristin so much back then, but I have grown to genuinely appreciate her over the years and the Back to the Beach episode that Lauren Conrad guested on was more than I ever could have hoped for. To hear them both apologize for the way they slut-shamed each back then? ICONIC. WE LOVE TO SEE IT. But yeah, that really hit, and it truly felt so sincere. Also, in one of episodes, Trey was using some small handheld thing and I had to call Henry into the room and cry, “WHY CANT I REMEMBER WHAT THATS CALLED” and he calmly said, “Palm Pilot.” Holy shit it’s so weird to think that Palm Pilots are obsolete now. Also, I do not miss low-rise jeans. Nope. Also interesting to note is that when Chooch asked me what I was watching, he was absolutely clueless. “The fuck is a Laguna Beach?” I was like YOU KNOW – LC? LAUREN CONRAD?? I wear her clothes from Kohls??? Nope, not a single iota of recognition flickered behind boy-child Gen Zer’s eyes.
  • LOO PLANTS! Why did it take me so long to put plants in the bathroom? I have no idea. I had this hanging planter with nothing in it that was sitting all empty and dejected on the backporch so I put a pothos cutting in it (LOL OK OK OK calm down, Henry did it) and then ordered this gorgeous sacred heart rhinestone patch to glue on it, you know, to help it feel more at home in the holy shitter.

Isn’t it adorable???

  • I did one of the best Paul Eugene workouts last night you guys and I want you to do it too!! I love Paul Eugene so much; I smile through all of his workouts!

  • Butterscotch candies, just like grandma eats. I have stress-sucking on them all week long, and it brings little gleeks of joy into my mouth.
  • NCT127’s new music video which was released today, on 127 day! (GET IT, BECAUSE IT’S JANUARY 27TH?!!? This was one of my favorite songs on their last album, and I love that they made this video themselves! The only downside is that Haechan isn’t in it because this was filmed during the second leg of their recent US tour (I think this was actually filmed in Atlanta, at least parts of it). Haechan stayed in Korea because he was having heart palpitations and had to go to the hospital! I am so glad that SM allowed him to hang back and get the rest he deserves. These idols are so overworked, it’s scary.

Friday 5: FitTube Bangers

 Friday Five, music
Jan 202023
 

Happy Friday. I have a lot of heaviness on my mind today so I thought instead of being a downer, I will do a Friday Five featuring songs from YouTube workout videos that….live rent-free in my head. Ugh, I can’t believe I used that. But yeah, something different! Mixin’ it up! This is also for my own selfish benefit because I am constantly having to Shazam these while working out because I can never remember!

Anyway, if you’re into FitTube then you’ll probably know some of these because all those FitTubers use the same royalty-free songs. #IYKYK

BUT SOME OF THEM ARE SO CATCHY, they should make a compilation of them called I Can’t Believe This Isn’t Top 40.

  1. We Can Be Fearless – Tomas Skyldeberg

 

2. Not Like Them – DJ Mayson

3. No Sugar Coated Love (Feat. Jowen) [Slct Remix] – Tape Machines

4.  One That Keeps Me – Larry Paz 

Fun fact – this is apparently the husband of Jo from GrowWithJo which is where I got most of these jams from. Her channel is good for when I need a filler workout but don’t want to get too crazy with it, and she always uses great music that keeps me engaged!

5. Perfectly Opposite – Carla the Great (Deek Cloud remix)

This was the only video I could find for this one and it’s not great, but the song is so good, and I wanted desperately to include it.

There was one that I really wanted to include but I can’t find it now in order to Shazam it and I’m tired of playing workout videos in the background while I’m non-workout working so perhaps we’ll do a part 2 someday.

OK bye bye.

Friday Frights (5)

 Friday Five
Oct 212022
 

A short one because this has been the opposite of a short week.

1. The Corey Show

My bro Corey and I are avid Michael Myers simps and so obviously had to go to the theater to see the new Halloween which is also allegedly the last of the franchise (hmph we’ll see). We went to the Hollywood Theater to see it which is honestly my favorite place to see horror movies – it’s cheap, old, and has a balcony. And a creepy basement bathroom! Plus, we can walk there from my house.

Anyway, two highlights:

  • The theme song from The Lost Boys (“Cry Little Sister”) was playing in the lobby when we got there and that song always gets me the mood for some good-ass horror.
  • Corey being so giddy because of the fact that very first spoken word of Halloween Ends was his name, lol.

Um, other than that, I don’t have many positive things to say. I went in with low expectations and somehow failed to set the bar low enough because this was bad. I tried so hard during and immediately after to find some redeeming qualities, but I really couldn’t. And then the more I sat with it throughout the week, the angrier I got and finally I was able to say, “No, you know what? Fuck that trash movie. I hated it.”

Can’t believe JLC signed off on that shit.

2. Jo’s

It doesn’t truly feel like Halloween in Brookline until Jo’s Salon swaps out their window display for scarecrows and pumpkins. Maybe this weekend and I’ll do a walking tour of the Blvd and take pictures of the other storefronts because it’s moderately festive up in this ‘hood.

3. Meanwhile…

…in my crib, this is really the most I’ve done for Halloween, lol. I mean come on though guys. My house is like one big gaudy year-round decoration as it is – you wouldn’t even be able to notice if I actually decorated for holidays. I mean, we eat off melamine Halloween plates all year round as it is.

OK also I’m lazy, there I said it! I DON’T FEEL LIKE DECORATING because then I have to put it all away at some point and that’s annoying.

4. Mmm….cookies.

We let the kids decorate Halloween cookies during our weekly Babysitting Prison Sentence (j/k – we asked for this!) and it actually went surprisingly well. Calvin and Lily worked harmoniously and Milo was…well, a one-year-old fisting sprinkles.

And then there was Chooch who came down, put one squirt of icing on a cookie, and left.

“When I’m done, I’m going to look all around your house,” Calvin declared, as if this was his first time here?!

5. The Black Queen

In October, I always play the shit out of the Black Queen. The dark, moody synth is the perfect soundtrack for driving to haunted houses, especially when they’re out in the boonies.

This past week, I turned two people into new fans, on two separate occasions: Nate at work (we had been Jabbering extensively about Mick Smiley) and my brother Corey, who went on to listen to more and then replied, “I AM A FAN.”

I love when that happens!

Anyway, this isn’t my FAVORITE song by them, but it is the one I always send to people to introduce them to Greg Puciato’s sultry vocals without kneeing them in the balls with a Dillinger Escape Plan track, lol.

I can listen to this in the middle of a summer heat wave and suddenly it’s autumn vibes, fullstop. This is one of the few good takeaways from a failed friendship with a girl from Philly who I thought was so fucking cool and someone who spoke my language (we loved so many of the same bands and even went to an Armor For Sleep reunion show together in Philly back in 2015). She recommended the Black Queen to me back then and I was hooked. I guess she wasn’t hooked on me, though, lol.

There. Five things. On a Friday.

Love you lots like tater tots.

(Wow, old school sign off.)

Friday Five, 2 Weeks in a Row: THAT IS WHAT YOU CALL A STREAK

 Friday Five
Oct 072022
 

Hi. Let’s get it.

  1. Chooch: Driving my car and driving me crazy.

After Chooch turned 16, I thought he would be hounding us to drive but, aside from casually pissng around with the online permit practice test while standing in line for roller coasters, he kind of just dropped it. Something happened at the pie party though, maybe SOMEONE ASKED HIM IF HE HAD HIS LICENSE YET, because he started pressuring us bigly to teach him to drive. I couldn’t take it anymore, so last Saturday I screamed, “CLEAN YOUR ROOM AND THEN WE’LL SEE.” Then I forgot to actually check to see if any cleaning was done, lol, but I took him to Jefferson Memorial for some “bad weather” driving practice. He said he needs 5 hours experience of driving in bad weather, so I guess tooling around the cemetery, dodging squirrels in the rain, counts.

He actually did OK, although my right foot was cramping from all the times I practically standing up in the passenger seat to stomp on the imaginary brake. I’m sure Henry was a nervous wreck  – we left him at home because he had chores to do – because he is A PROFESSIONAL DRIVER and probably felt like I stole something from him by taking Chooch without him.

It’s kind of cool though because this is where I learned how to drive too – my friend Lisa taught me in her family’s Jeep.  My parents refused to take any part in this process because I was a “bad seed” and could not “be trusted” so I actually didn’t even get my license until about a month before I turned 19 and again, it was my friend Lisa who took me to the DMV in Uniontown to take my test – twice, lol. I liked that this is where Chooch is learning how to drive now too, ALMOST 30 YEARS LATER, ugh.

So he was all ready to go and take his permit test but Idiot Henry can’t find where he put Chooch’s social security card, so he had to go and request a new one on Monday. I had to laugh (HA HA) because when the guy at the social security office looked up Chooch’s info, HENRY WASN’T LISTED AS HIS DAD LOLOLOL. The guy was like, “Oh, that’s usually what happens when the parents are married” and instead of giving Henry a hard time about, somehow let the request go through.

But yeah GOOD JOB NOT MARRYING YOUR SON’S MOTHER, ASSHOLE.

Anyway, every day this week, Chooch has stormed into the house after school, barking, “DID MY SS CARD COME YET” in lieu of the HELLO that I deserve. It actually came today, which surprised me because that was less than a week! So now Chooch thinks he’s going to the DMV after school but his fate rests in Henry’s hands, as usual. We’ll see if Henry gets home from work in time, or if he will remain on Chooch’s shit list.

2. HATER HATER TALK TALK

I got a surprise shirt in the mail yesterday! Henry and Chooch immediately confirmed that they don’t care enough about me for it to have been from them, so I asked Instagram and I should have known it was my NCT bestie, Veronica!! We have been going ham lately over this NCT127 tour. She just went to the LA date last night and I watched some of her Instavids (trying to avoid it though because I want the setlist to be a surprise!) and immediately started sobbing. I haven’t been this stoked for a concert since probably the last time I saw the Cure!!

I don’t have a lot of friends with common interests so when I do get one, I cling tightly!

3. 28 Reasons Why I Love this Song

OK I’m not actually listing 28 reasons because I’m too distracted as usual but Seulgi’s solo debut is more than I ever could have wanted. The way this song and her beastly choreo give off stong Taemin vibes to me….This has been in my head ever since it came out the other day. (She’s, IMO, the best part of Red Velvet and I’m so glad she finally got her own solo!)

4. Red Jeans

I dunno what made me think about it, other than the fact that I was going through old pictures from when I was in high school, but I started thinking of my signature scent back in the day – Versace Red Jeans. I thought that it had been retired, but when I googled it, I found it on Amazon! I added it to the cart just for funsies and then it arrived a few days later because Henry saw it and actually experienced of moment of goodwill, and contrary to what was previously stated in #2 of today’s Friday Five, actually bought it for me.

OMG that first spritz TOOK ME BAAAAACK TO…..

5. This one October night in 1997

I’m always inspired to look back through old haunted house journals this time of the year and this one night in particular remains one of the best haunted house hopping nights of my life. It was me, Lisa, Angie, Angie’s bf-at-the-time Mike, Lisa’s little Youth Group friend Darren, and a family friend of Lisa’s – Bill. I just remember going all over the place in Lisa’s minivan (not the van that I learned how to drive in!) and then my Psycho Mike ( :/ ) meeting us later at Home Cookin’.

Fun fact about Darren (middle): He grew up to be the screamer in a successful Christian metal band!

Ugh Psycho Mike. I have a vivid recollection of him extremely dick-ish this night because he hated Lisa (for no other reason than she was my friend and he wanted nothing more than to isolate me from everything and everyone, you know, classic abuser behavior). Somehow, we ended up hanging out in my grandparent’s yard (their yard was huge so no one even knew we were there) until like 3am, completely sober but using our natural reserves to act like complete giddy morons.

This was when I was at the height of my Jacki Sorenson aerobic obsession and would use every opportunity to break out into one of the many routines I had memorized.

And then I apparently hurt myself in doing so, lol.

These pictures are also making me remember that I had to wear my hair in a ponytail every day around this time because I was in the process of growing out a REALLY BAD HAIR CUT. OK here’s what happened: I was with Lisa and our friend Kim. Kim had (probably still does) extremely long and straight hair. Like, LONG. We were in Century Square (probably to go to PHAR-MOR which I hated but Lisa and Kim always wanted to go there ugh) when Kim decided to stop into Fantastic Sam’s to get her hair trimmed. Now, a place like that isn’t going to fuck up a trim when the hair is long and straight so good for Kim. But something made me, the queen of layers (back then: THE RACHEL GREEN), decide to also get a hair cut.

Oh, chingu, the way they slaughtered my layers. It was a hot mess, before people were saying “hot mess.”

You can bet I had the delicious notes of Red Jean wafting in my wake on both of these occasions: fun night and bad haircut day. (I had to pause and sniff my wrist just now. Yessss. 90s Erin is BACK!)

OK, signing off. Henry just texted me and said that Chooch passed his permit test so I guess this weekend will be full of “CAN YOU LET ME DRIVE NOW??” begging. Pray for us.

Friday Five is Alive

 Friday Five
Sep 232022
 

Yo when was the last time we sat down and had a good old fashioned Friday Fiver? Legit can’t remember. But if someone asks you this tomorrow, you can say, “Hey guy, it was just yesterday!”

  1. The Witch of Pioneer

Have I mentioned lately how much I truly hate HNC’s wife? She is actually the most miserable person I have ever known, maybe even more so than Henry’s ex-wife! Anyway, on Wednesday I was sitting here working, just minding my own business. I work at a desk in the dining room, right next to the window that faces her side of the house. So I get to hear her out there putzing around in the driveway, screaming at HNC, threatening neighbors with baseball bats because they parks too close to the entrance of our shared driveway which INCOVENIENCES HER (never mind the fact that her one daughter can come over and park at the top of the driveway, effectively blocking us in, because Mummy is Queen of Pioneer). Anyway, yesterday she came out of the house with her white trash daughter on speaker phone. She was out there fucking around with her stupid porch plants when suddenly she starts getting more and more worked up. I couldn’t tell what was happening, but then I heard her say “people who live outside of the country…” and my ears perked up thinking she was about to go on some MAGA anti-foreigner rant but then she ended it with, “HAVE NO RIGHT TO BE FEEDING WILDLIFE.” OK, so she was talking about the countrySIDE…but wait, what?? NO, SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT ME.

“THEY HAVE NO RESPECT FOR ME! I PUT SO MUCH MONEY IN THESE PLANTS JUST FOR THEM TO BE DESTROYED. FUCKING SQUIRRELS!!!”

I’m assuming by “they” she is referring to us. Because we are the only people who feed the squirrels. /sarcasm. Do you know how many houses in our neighborhood have those cute little squirrel feeder picnic tables!? A LOT. WE ARE NOT THE ONLY ONES WHO ENJOY THE SQUIRRELS.

She is the odd one! She is the hateful bitch who finds no joy in anything!

So then I was like “OK two can play at this game” and I called Henry and started screaming to HIM by the open window about how THEY have no respect for US because they have turned our shared driveway into a fucking LOT OF BROKE DOWN CARS. “THE CARS! THE FUCKING CARS!” I screamed in a replica of her nasty Yinzer voice.

I was so ridiculously stressed out over this that it actually ruined my entire Thursday as well. Like, I kept picturing myself fighting her, I don’t give a shit that she’s in her 60s.

Fuck that bitch so hard. I hope a squirrel attacks her.

2. Chooch’s Mexico Gallery Wall

Just posting this because writing about HNC’s cunt wife got my heart rate up and I needed a happy visual. How can this not make you happy?? Look at those colors!

3. A Super Social Tuesday

This past Tuesday, I had plans with some people from my old team to have dinner after work. But then MARGIE scheduled our department casual lunch on the SAME DAY so then Wendy was like, “Oh good, we can have an in-person meeting that day too” and then the admin people of the whole entire Pgh office were like RSVP FOR SOCIAL HOUR TUESDAY AFTERNOON!

I was really stressed about this day because we have recently switched to a hoteling situation so most of the desks were stripped down to just one monitor. I cannot work like that!  I have a very particular, Type A set-up! So my plan, which was very clunky and stupid, was to come in from half the day, attend the meeting, have a piece of pizza at CASUAL LUNCH, go home and work, then come back for dinner.

Really dumb, amirite?

When I got to work on Tuesday, I immediately went to Margie’s desk and pouted about the new sitch and she was like, “Just sit in that office right there – it has two monitors and it’s not assigned to anyone” so just like that, my biggest problem of the day was solved and then I was able to be moderately normal (by my standards at least) for the rest of the day.

It was really nice getting to see so many of work friends on one day! I opted out of the office Social Hour though, claiming that I was people’d out but really it was because I was nervous of being around more food and then going to dinner, love this weird fear of food that controls my life. But it’s easier to blame social anxiety because that feels more acceptable and reasonable than saying I’m scared or food omg hold me.

Then I went to dinner with Amber, Lauren, Megan, Carrie and Wendi! It wasn’t the original dinner plans for that night but it was just as lovely! I was fucking starving by then though, having only had a small bowl of cereal and literally the smallest, driest piece of pizza I could find for lunch. Carrie and I shared a burrata salad and ravioli and I BEASTED my halves. Carrie also treated Megan and me to a bottle of wine for our recent bdays and I was feeling GOOD, MY PEOPLE.

I am really lucky to work with friends. That is all.

4. Nooworks #1 Fan Girl

Nooworks released a new print on Sunday night and I had to buy a shirt because LOOK AT IT. THE DESIGN. THE COLORS. It was like it was made for me. I love Nooworks so much. #NotSponsored but #IWishItWas.

5. Pie Party Prep

You guys the first pie party since 2017 is happening this Sunday. The weather is supposed to be absolute TRASH too, of course. We’ll still go through with it though – the pavilion is big and has a roof, after all! I think it rained at another pie party once too and while it wasn’t ideal, the pies didn’t care.

Henry did a trial-run on one of his pie prospects last weekend and it tasted so good, so there’s that. My only responsibility up to now was working on the play list. It’s up to over 8 hours and the party is only 6 hours long so I think I can cross that off the to do list now.

I dunno man, this was a lousy Friday Five but I’m beat, says Erin from 1975. We’re going to the pass holder Fright Fest sneak peek tonight at Kennywood and that’s all my mind can focus on right now. Perhaps one day things in my brain will change and I will be able to to tell you how I got my blogging groove back, says Erin from 1998.

Friday Frivolous Fives

 Bullet Point Thoughts, Friday Five
May 132022
 

This week was one of the slowest weeks I’ve experienced in forever. I kept thinking it was the next day, almost every day. Maybe it’s because I went into the office twice, I dunno, but yesterday in the office felt like the longest work day since before the pandemic. Megan said it was because we didn’t get to go out for a lunch break walk and she’s probably right. It was also a lot of socializing and I am still so exhausted, like I have a chatting hangover. It was…a lot. I think I’ll stick to my one-day-a-week routine, thanks.  The older I get, the more I learn about my extremely fickle social preferences and one of those is that I definitely prefer 1-on-1 chats.

Anyway, the rest of the week was same-old. Here are some fivers on my mind(ers). Please do be enjoying.

  1. Slushie Standoff

Chooch has really been going through it at work lately, to the point where sometimes I forget he’s only 16 because he comes home SOUNDING LIKE ALL OF US. Valid gripes, training woes, stupid people rants, managerial clashes.

The latter is what brings us here today, my fine blog-eyeballers. Because when Chooch came home from work Monday, practically foaming at the mouth as he angrily recounted his night, I thought of YOU, DEAR READERS, and how much I wanted to tell you this story.

OK so there is new-ish manager at McDonald’s. We’ll call him FRED for the purposes of this story. Now, FRED and Chooch have been butting heads for a few weeks now, it seems. In Chooch’s words: FRED came from BURGER KING, where things are done DIFFERENTLY so now he thinks everyone at McD’s is doing it WRONG and he’s fucking shit up, essentially. Like, sit down FRED, amirite? Now Chooch has told me a whole collection of maddening stories so far, like FRED telling him he’s in the way (“when it’s actually FRED’s big ass that’s in the way, but cool” Chooch spat the other day), and at one point Chooch purposely told some other co-workers that he doesn’t respect FRED, knowing it would get back to FRED because hi, teenagers.

(This cracked me up because it reminded me of when I worked with ELEANOR as some of you might remember. Her strategy was to lodge complaints to the snitches in the department knowing full well they’d go scampering TO THE OFFICE with these bread crumbs of employee unrest. She killed me.)

(I mean, not literally, I’m still here. Although we did have a fight over scissors one night which could have gone terribly awry.)

“Did FRED find out?” I asked.

“Yeah! He cried about it to [another manager] but she didn’t give a shit!” Chooch laughed.

At work on Monday, someone came thru the drive-thru and ordered three blue slushies. According to Chooch, their machine is wonky but the work-around is that you have to defrost it or something, who cares, I was zoning out when he explained it – Chooch takes his job very seriously. So, FRED does not know this fix and was struggling. Instead of helping him (because anytime Chooch tries to help, FRED tells him he has an attitude problem and calls him YOUNG BUCK), Chooch just stood there and watched with delicious anticipation.

FRED, now realizing this was going to take a bit, told the car to pull over and he’d bring them out.

So then he finishes the blue slushies, leaves them at the machine, and goes out to the car to tell them that they were done and he’d bring them out.

“Wait, but if they were done, why didn’t he just take them out with him then?” I asked a la Fred Savage being told a bedtime story.

“Exactly! Because he’s a moron,” Chooch said.

While FRED was out there doing a questionable attempt at customer service, another car came through and ordered a blue slushie. So…Chooch (being Chooch) took one of FRED’s slushies and gave it to them.

BECAUSE CHOOCH WOULD.

Now, FRED is back inside expecting to collect THREE BLUE SLUSHIES. Here, Chooch pantomined FRED counting the slushies and going ballistic. “WHERE IS THE THIRD SLUSHIE?? I HAD THREE SLUSHIES!!”

Chooch calmly told him that he gave it to another car.

“BOY, DON’T BE GIVING AWAY FREE SHIT!” FRED shouted.

“I didn’t. They paid for it,” Chooch said in the only way Chooch knows how: full of teenage arrogance and heavy on the sarcastic monotone.

Then FRED told another manager that he was taking his break because he needed to get away from “that kid.”

He reminds me SO MUCH of me when I was a young worker person.  

(Sorry, I love this ^^^^ story so much that I will take any chance I get to link back to it!)

Anyway, Chooch was going to put in his two weeks notice today and then just get a new job when he comes back from Mexico in August but then he said, “What will I do with myself for all of June??” so I think he’s going to stick it out for now. I gotta hand it to him – he genuinely enjoys working. Thank god he got something good from his dad!!

     2. Chooch Ran Away

I made Henry go for a walk with me after dinner since I missed my afternoon walk. Look, I’m an addict, OK? I’m a food-phobic, exercise-maniac, walking-addict. Do I need therapy? You bet. Do I care? Not currently.

Anyway, now that I got that honest confession off my chest, I dragged Henry around Dormont for a walk. He got to stop and get cold brew at Dunkin’ so he was mostly content. (I almost typed “sedated,” and I guess that too; dude practically sleep-walks through life.)

We got home and 10 minutes or so passed. I wanted to tell Chooch something so I ran up to his room and started banging on his door with FIRE ALARM vigor like I normally do, which normally causes him to hiss, “WHAT DO YOU WANT” but this time – silence.

I yelled, “I’m coming in!” and when I burst through his door like a firefighter, I found it empty. HE WAS GONE.

“Chooch ran away!” I screamed to Henry as I came barreling down the steps. He of course ignored me because I was making this way too dramatic and it wasn’t worth the energy.

“He’s probably riding his bike somewhere. It wasn’t in the basement when I was just down there,” Henry mumbled, probably cruising the listings for some auction site that he is OBSESSED WITH lately and it’s so annoying.

Then I got caught up watching roller coaster videos on YouTube (my visual Snuggie, OK?) and forgot that my child was gone. I mean, he’s 16. He comes and goes as he pleases.

He burst through the front door about 20 minutes later and I was like, “Oh. It’s you” and he was like “I saw [friend from elementary school] but didn’t say because my face is so numb.”

Now my mommy-panic was activated. It’s always during times of bodily harm that I’m catapulted into Mom Mode. Yes, it’s alarming even to myself. “OMG why!? What happened??” I screamed.

He just started at me. And then, slowly, “Because I was at the dentist….”

OMG THAT’S WHERE HE WAS! I totally forgot that he had an appointment. Good thing he remembered and that he’s able to take himself there via bicycle because Henry and I SURELY didn’t remember while we were out gallivanting around Dormont like two non-parents.

And that’s my story about how Chooch ran away, straight into the dentist’s chair.

3. Baby Buddy & Bambi (aka Drew)

Are you sick of hearing about my squirrels? OH WELL probably everyone at work is too, to be honest. We have a new lady on our team and every Tuesday I’m like DAWN LOOK AT THIS VIDEO OF MY SQUIRRELS and she’s like “*nervous laugh* oh jeez.” Anyway, look at Drew, that unbothered queen.

 

4. RiverPOUNDS

OK that makes no sense, but let’s roll with it.

Today one of my coworkers asked me if I had plans tomorrow and I said YES’M I AM GOING TO CEDAR POINT and she was like OH OK because apparently she had won some Riverhounds tickets (THAT IS A PGH SOCCER TEAM IN CASE YOU ARE FROM LIKE, OTTAWA, AND DON’T KNOW) and had planned to take her niece and nephew but they have prior commitments so now she’s trying to find people to go with her and I’m sure I was not the first person she asked but THANKS FOR THINKING OF ME.

Anyway, the whole point of this is that way back in like 2000, I quit my job that summer and then babysat the two daughters of one of my ex-co-workers. The older one, ERICKA, was such a biotch, I fucking swear to god. Like, the highlight of that summer for me was when she went away to some church camp and I only had to deal with the younger girl for like a week and that was fine because she was sweet but as I’m typing this I cannot believe that anyone trusted me to watch their kids ALL DAY LONG when I was 21 and a total irresponsible moron and not only that but they let me drive them places in my EAGLE TALON which I drove like a fucking race car and I took them to places like THE SOUTHSIDE which was still cool back then and full of punks and other boho types.

Then Ericka came back and was inexplicably obsessed with the song HOOKED ON A FEELING and asked me who sang it and then proceeded to not believe me even though I know everything about music but cook on little middle school bitchdemon.

Wow, I really hated her. My brother was in the same grade as her I think. I about to text him to see if he knows what she’s up to now that she’s like 30.

Oh wait, my point!!

So Ericka played soccer and I was always having to take her to her dumb practices at Mowry Park. There were some Riverhound players at one of the practices and I guess it was a big deal but I had no idea we even had a soccer team (maybe it had just formed at that time?) so I was not impressed. But the reason why I remember this is because this was the day I was sitting on the side of the field and ERICKA came over at one point and apropos of nothing other than the fact that it was true, bluntly said to me, “You really need to lose weight.”

I WAS WEARING AN ORANGE SHIRT THAT DAY TOO AND NEVER WORE IT AGAIN THANKS YOU DUMB BITCH.

So my point is that every time the Riverhounds come up (which is periodically because our Firm is always giving out tickets it seems, I think we’re a sponsor probably), I can hear that brace-faced bitch telling me I’m fat IN SO MANY WORDS.

5. THE CARPET MAN

You guys. Henry found my fake poem collection in the attic, in a binder, printed on old-school see-through printer paper with light gray type. I was so excited!! I went through a heavy fake poetry phase in 10th grade because my friend MELISSA/MARTHA/POPTART was actually serious about writing poems and kept a poetry notebook in her bag at all times, so I, being the BULLY OF A FRIEND that you all know to me, decided that I too would be a poet. I even gave myself a pen name – EMERALD – which two entire teachers began calling me when I asked them to (my 9th grade english teacher Mr. Gershna and one of the gym teachers MR ROSENSTEEL, loved both of them).

Anyway, my friends mostly thought this was so dumb, except probably Janna who enjoyed being the subject of many poems, such as the JANNA IS READING A BOOK TRILOGY. But my favorite was the FIVE POEM SERIES spawned by the fateful time my mom took me to HUGHES FLOORING to pick out new carpet for my bedroom and I imprinted on THE CARPET MAN, but not in a romantic sense for myself, but moreso in that I was orchestrating a grand imaginary romance between him and my mom.

Then of course I borderline stalked him, even making my friends Keri and Ken drive me to the carpet store for literally no reason other than I wanted to cachinnate all over the carpet samples and then choke on my idiocy.

Anyway!!! No one understood why I was so fixated on him but I just was and it gave me so much joy to scribble out stupid “that’s a real stretch” poems about him. Having this back in my life inspired me to google him and I think the found the obituary for his mom!!! :(

I thought it would be super hilar to make a little chapbook dealio for my mom for Mother’s Day, since the Carpet Man series happened because of her. I made the background of the cover and every page various pictures of CARPET, naturally, and then I needed to add more poems because Shutterfly was like “we will not make a five page book for you, that’s fuckin’ ridic” so I added some other Val-inspired poems as well. It arrived yesterday and I have been CRACKING UP over it ever since!

I’m taking it to her tonight and she is either going to like it or be super confused.  If she even says she doesn’t remember this phase, I will die.

THIS WAS A WHOLE FUCKING THING. It happened when I was in 8th grade and I was SOOOOOOO OBSESSED with it (for literally no reason) that I even tried to explain it to my homeroom, going so far as to draw a diagram on the chalkboard and I was laughing so hard that I almost peed and blacked out and Scott Ash called me a SPED which I never understood until I was thinking about it recently and it clicked. All this time I thought he was calling me derogatory term for lesbian.

THE MONKEY BAR IS A LOCAL BAR IN THE TOWN WHERE I GREW UP.

This was maybe my MOST FAMOUS POEM. I think I wrote about this in greater detail at some point, but this one is a classic that I wrote after she called the police on me in 10th grade because I took a streak knife to the family portrait and then locked myself in my room and she was scared about what my explosive anger and I were planning next. 👼🏼 Meanwhile, all I was doing was sitting on the floor, being a depressed teenager, and listening to Bone Thugs n Harmony. They ended up taking me to the ER by ambulance. The EMTs that fateful afternoon were two seniors who sat near me in study hall. But no, I wasn’t embarrassed. And once I guilted my mom into signing me out of the ER (the doctor wanted to admit me–for what, I’m still not sure 👼🏼), she took me to McDonald’s on the way home and we all got a big laugh out of it. She did say that I wasn’t allowed to go to Kennywood for school picnic day after that but then school picnic day came and guess who was at Kennywood, jotting down notes for the KENNYWOOD SERIES of poems she was going to pen?

👼🏼

Actually, this was a supremely bad time in my life. I was going to a child psychologist, medicated, and having severe explosive anger issues, and also was self-harming to an extent and also dabbling in anorexia which I told myself wasn’t that but just a form of punishment – I mean, all functioning people withhold food from themselves. 10th grade was….awesome.

We were actually just fondly reminiscing about this day recently. She said the family portrait is still in her shed if I want it. I had no idea she kept that??

I sent this to my brother and it prompted a whole text discussion about how we looked like a family that had it all but we were sooooo dysfunctional. I mean, how many people can say that they have a normal family though, right? What even is that.

👼🏼 👼🏼 👼🏼 👼🏼 👼🏼 👼🏼 👼🏼 👼🏼 👼🏼 👼🏼 👼🏼 👼🏼

WOW I’M SENSING A REAL THEME WITH THIS POST AM I HAVING A BREAKTHRU.

 

Friday 5: What a thrill.

 Friday Five, Uncategorized
May 062022
 

It’s Friday. I haven’t done a “5” in a while. Here’s an amusement park palate-cleanser:

  1. Troop Beverly Hills, what a thrill.

After all of my HENRY HAS NEVER SEEN TROOP BEVERLY HILLS / HENRY IS NOW WATCHING TROOP BEVERLY HILLS / HENRY THOUGHT TROOP BEVERLY HILLS WAS ‘NOT BAD’ Internet postings a few weeks ago, my pal Heidi got an Instagram ad for Troop Beverly Hills shirts. She shared it with me and I immediately the above shirt, and also another design too because I NEEDED TO. My heart *and* my head were saying it was the right choice. When I told Henry I bought two, I think he was initially scared because he thought I meant I bought two of the same shirts, one for me and one for him.

WHY DIDN’T I DO THAT.

Oh well, Father’s Day and his birthday are both coming up…

Pink and green is my ult color combo, ever since I was a youngin’ and had a green dress with pink hippos on it. I love that dress so much and also it was when I was still cute & and an only child, so I relate these colors to the best days of my life.

I have a faux-suede moto jacket that I thought would look adorable with this shirt so I stupidly asked Henry to take pictures of me in it when we went to the cem for a walk later that day last weekend.

Bro, we’re still in the same city, stand back some more.

Honestly, what goes through this man’s head when I ask him to take a fucking picture? “Take a picture of me but also make sure I’m just a blip on the screen.”

I had to actually take a test photo for him because he did the same fucking shit here too!!! AND IT WASN’T EVEN LEVEL.

Where is Chooch when I need him. Oh yeah, WORKING.

I dunno what these poses are. I don’t even care anymore.

And then instead of helping me down from the wall, Henry took pictures of my flailing descent. (I am terrified of even the smallest heights and have found myself paralyzed in fear before having to dismount from things even shorter than that wall. One time I got stuck in a tree – only like 2 feet off the ground – and Henry took a picture of me crying in it.)

2. Hunting for Chocolate Chip Cookies

After we left the cem, I was craving chocolate chip cookies. However, it was now around 3pm and god forbid bakeries be open past like, 1pm. So we were stressing about where to go and I remembered that one time, Henry stopped at this ice cream shop on the North Side and we were pleasantly surprised to find that they had outrageously good cookies. So we rolled up and it was CLOSED FOR VACATION. But! I remembered that literally right across there was another bakery-type place that I thought might be open because they also serve food. CLOSED FOR TECHNICAL ISSUES. Henry was like, “Oh, Adda coffee is on this street too – they usually have baked goods.” CLOSED SEVERAL MINUTES AGO.

The worst!!!

Literally every other option nearby was closed according to Google and Yelp, but then I saw a listing for this Mexican bakery called Panaderia in Mt. Lebanon, which is on the way to picking up Chooch from work, so we stopped there because they have NORMAL PEOPLE HOURS.

It was very small and narrow so I didn’t take any other pictures, but everything we got (and we got a lot because we’re pigs for baked goods) was wonderful and not too sweet so I ate so much without getting sick!

Now I’m jealous of all the authentic treats Chooch will be smashing in Meridian this summer.

In case you were wondering, I did get a chocolate chip cookie the next day when we went to pick up our pints at Sugar Spell Scoops. It was literally exactly what I wanted. A choco-fucking-chip cookie. How hard is it?! I would have been happy with a pack of Chips Ahoy, honestly.

(I dunno what it is about Chips Ahoy, probably the nostalgia talking, but sometimes those are all I ever want. Even over Oreos. Gimme a fistful of the Ahoys with a cold cup of milk, boy-o.)

3. Girl Buddy’s Babies

Well guys, it was inevitable. About a month or two ago, Girl Buddy was stealing stuff from our yard to use in her nest, which apparently was INSIDE HNC’S PORCH ROOF. I know this because I watched her run next door with all her nesting supplies in her mouth and begin to run up HNC’s sidewalk, only for his wife to come barging out of the house and literally yell, “SHOO! SHOO SQUIRREL!!” Girl Buddy tried to come back again a few minutes but this time was shooed all the way down the driveway to the backyard.

What a hater HNC’s wife is.

Nevertheless, Girl Buddy prevailed and made her nest up in there, and then two weeks ago, the little babies started poking their heads out of the roof opening! And as of last week, they were old enough to leave the nest and were tentatively climbing down the wall. This was super cute but also awful because Ruth was home and they were making a racket. So I was standing on my porch, tossing grapes down the driveway in a desperate attempt to lure them away from her damn porch, because she has been going BALLISTIC lately. Not just with the squirrels (although she did come home one day and bellow MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRRELS!!!), but with everyone. She started a fight with one guy because he parked his van on the street and was pulled forward too far so that she couldn’t easily back out of the driveway and she threatened him with a baseball bat.

I have a recording of it. It was…wow. Just wow. To be that miserable.

So my days have been spent policing the squirrel sitch because I’m so afraid she’s going to come home with a BB gun one day and I am trying so hard to protect these precious beings.

MY HEART.

The other evening, Ruth was other there having a conniption. They’re messing with her plants, I don’t even know. She needs to get over herself because her porch is not that nice. Anyway, she was on the phone screaming to HNC about it and he was like “i will take care of it” (she had him on speaker so the whole neighborhood could hear). So she’s out there yelling about it and sweeping (OMG our porches are little square slabs and she is out there sweeping with a compulsion, like numerous times a day, I truly don’t know what is left for her to sweep) and while this was happening, Girl Buddy started hopping over to the porch steps, like “SAY IT TO MY FACE!” I was fucking dying. Girl Buddy is ruthless.

4. HEARTSTOPPER

See the source image

If you read all of my book wrap-up posts, well, you’re a real one. But also, then you might know that I have read and ADORED Alice Oseman’s Heartstopper graphic novel series (the way the backs of my eyes are stinging with looming tears right now). Well, I had been anxiously awaiting the premier of the Netflix adaptation and it was worth the wait. This series is everything. The casting is IMPECCABLE. I watch every episode while hugging myself so that my heart doesn’t explode.

I can’t explain how or why but the confusing emotions and coming-of-age strife and giddy love conveyed in the graphic novels are so palpable. It made me feel like I was back in 9th grade. And the cast totally takes everything Alice Oseman has given them and just fucking sparkles on screen. I love it so much and I’m hoping that we get a season for each book?! I don’t care if you think this out of your demographic. It’s amazing and sweet and pure, and you will love it. Imagine how many kids this is helping right now, how many adults wish they had this when they were growing up. That’s the part that really makes the ice crack a little around my heart. Whew.

Also, I’m obsessed with Kit Connor.

Alsox2: This is GOOD:

Netflix’s ‘Heartstopper’ Is Its Highest Scoring Critic And Audience Hit In Ages (forbes.com)

See the source image

5. Coaster Socializing

We finally bit the bullet and joined a coaster club/organization. I can’t remember if I mentioned this on here already but I feel like I did? Or did I have some self-deprecating tweet about it? Who knows. But originally, we just signed Chooch up because he is allowed to bring two guests to most of the events. But then saw  that this club is organizing a Nordic trip for the summer of 2023 and excuse me, sir, but I want in on that action. It’s for member’s only so now Henry and I are members too, lol.

Honestly though, I really am hoping that this works out because we don’t have any friends who are into this shit and I am dying to talk to someone about the rumors that Hershey’s Wildcat is going to get RMCd. You know. Roller coaster thangs. We tried this club action before with the Dark Ride and Funhouse Enthusiasts and it was cool to get to do some behind-the-scenes stuff but literally no one in that group talked to us and we felt so out of place.

We’re already off to a bad start with this coaster one because the guy hasn’t emailed us any info like he was supposed to and we need a fucking membership # in order to register for any upcoming event we want to attend, so this is annoying.

Well, I have shit to do so let’s end this on a dreamy note….an NCT DREAMy note, that is!

Friday Five: Feisty Females

 Friday Five, music
Mar 042022
 

I dunno why, but I hate the word “female,” yet here we are, being hypocritical for the sake of alliteration. What is my life.

In today’s dumb Friday Five edition, I want to share some of my current fave Kpop girl groups that have been helping me reach my morning goal of 6,000 steps before logging on to work. Usually I will jog in place while watching a Kdrama or I’ll do Kpop cardio, but sometimes I like to just put on Kpop videos and freestyle (sadly for me this is all Running Man and an occasional chest bump, with lots of JUMPING filler – that’s it,  that’s my dance move repertoire).

Also, I know you’re shocked that I actually pay attention to other groups than NCT! Especially with spring approaching, I’m more inspired to listen to the spunky girl side of Kpop. It makes me want to run in a bright green field,  while unfortunately probably sneezing because….spring. For instance, I’m blasting a 2022 Kpop playlist right now in order to block out the shrieks emanating through my wall from the fucking daycare facility next door.

OK, let’s kill this Friday Five. This bitch’s got other shit to do today!

  1. VIVIZ – BOP BOP!

Once I realize this was some of the girls from the recently disbanded GFriend, it made sense why it’s such an instant BOP BOP.

2. IVE – ELEVEN

I did a cardio dance workout to this song without ever hearing it before and immediately went to watch the music video afterward. This song is randomly in my head at given moment of the day. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE ELEVEN. It’s such an interesting song structure too, how the tempo abruptly slows down before the chorus. Love it!  I hope these FEMALES stick around because this is some potential here. [In my head,] I’m in the industry, so I can say things like that.

3. STAYC – RUN2U

I was enamored with STAYC last year when they released “ASAP,” and I think I can now safely say that STAYC is a group whose comebacks I will continue to anticipate. Can I get a shout out for that truly awkward sentence?

 

4. KEP1ER – WA DA DA

When my brother Corey was little, he used to make this sign with his hands and growl, “DREADED TRIANGLE.” It was actually pretty nefarious. He was a scary little boy. Anyway, Kep1ar do a similar hand motion in their choreography and it reminds me of that. Chills. (He also used to call me B.I.O. and it was this big mystery until he finally revealed that it meant Bitch In Overalls. I mean, I did wear overalls a lot in high school. And I was a bitch, lol.

 

5. APINK: DILEMMA

Last but not least, one of my OG favorite girl groups since I got into Kpop just recently had a comeback and I have been so nostalgically awash in their nostalgic sound. I know that it’s cool to be all WE DON’T NO NEED MAN/WOMAN/OTHER but sometimes we really are pining and just NOT OVER IT too, you know? That’s where Apink excels.

On that note, I bid everyone a fair Friday. Take some time to stab a pillow with a sharp knife in your backyard this weekend.

Friday Five: Fab 80s Fitness Edition

 Friday Five
Feb 252022
 

Hi hello hey ho ho ho! I thought that maybe it could be fun to a round-up of some of my favorite 80s walking workouts for today’s FRIDAY FIVE. Mostly because three of my go-to YouTube fitness channels uploaded one in the last two weeks, totally randomly. And I don’t know about you but I have been less than inspired to venture out in the cold this winter and have been relaying on  these types of workouts to get in my steps (and get off my dumb ass). I have been pretty unmotivated lately because of winter blues and work stress and just the world in general, but these five videos have been doing more than their share to get me stoked for walking.

  1. Up To the Beat

I love Gina B so much which is actually pretty off-brand for me because she meets all the criteria for someone who would typically get on my nerves – am I changing? Growing as a person?!?! Maybe it’s her accent.

2. Get Fit with Rick

Dude, I love the tracks he chose for this!!

3. Moore2Health

Careless Whisper and Easy Lover. Here for it. This doesn’t even feel like exercise!

4. Reps to the Rhythm

This guy’s videos always make me smile because his foster cats are usually raising hell on the sidelines!

5. emkfit

This is more of a classic Fonda aerobics workout but it has some great jams, like NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP. Let’s goooo.

***

I hope you find something here that makes you wanna get up and move! I’m all about promoting physical activity and while I try to not be over-the-top and pushy about it, there’s still a big part of me that wants to wear a whistle around my neck and blow out everyone’s ears with it.

An Icy Friday Five

 Bullet Point Thoughts, Friday Five
Feb 042022
 

Hello from an ice-encrusted Pittsburgh. Due to winter sucking, Henry’s job actually let everyone stay home today and Chooch got to do school remotely (COVID ruined snow days lol). Anyway, as you can imagine this has not been contributing to a calm and balanced work environment for me. It’s bad enough I have to spend my days listening to those animalistic grandkids of Henry’s next door. Apparently they have a baby gate right on the other side of the wall near where my work desk is so that is the mysterious “banging metal pipe” noise I have been hearing incessantly. I hate it so much. God help me.

Well, here are five rando’ thangs to read on this “ok” Friday. Let’s keep in short-n-sweet though. I’m ti-red.

  • Henry and Chooch just came back from the post office & getting my books at the library. Henry: He’s mad because he had to carry all your books. Chooch: Yeah. I felt like a nerd. And a shut-in. #OUCH. Anyway, OMGWHICHBOOKSHOULDIREADFIRSTTTTTT?

  • On Instagram last week, one of my friends was like WHAT ARE SOME GIRL-CENTRIC TOYS FROM THE 80S I AM BLANKING ON THIS and before flipping in my two cents, I scanned the other comments and was SHOCKED—nay, STUPEFIED—to see that none before me had mentioned the pre-teen jewels that were SWEET SECRETS. Or Get In Shape Girl! So I tippy-tapped my contribution with a triumphant flare. THEN several days later I was digging around in one of my millions of memento containers (you can’t tell I’m a hoarder because everything is stuffed into precious boxes and trunks) and I found this picture of me at my Pappap’s house with a tableful of Sweet Secrets! (And Pound Puppies, which had been mentioned by many in the Instagram comments.) This must have been my 7th birthday, perhaps? 1986? 1987? I can’t tell my age anymore when I look at old pictures, WHAT A PITY.
  • SPEAKING OF PITY: I was friends with a girl back when I was the same age as above. She had a speech impediment and used to say “pity” instead of “pretty” so whenever she’d tell me something of mine was pretty, I thought she was degrading me. She was kind of an asshole and a bully back then, so she probably actually was degrading me, now that I think about it. Oh well. THESE ARE THE THINGS THAT MAKE ME, ME. That’s the title of my next imaginary children’s book. You’ll love it. It’s sold in Romania truck stops only though, sorry.
  • Earlier this morning, Henry and Chooch went down the street to get coffee. Chooch asked me wanted and, with the utmost confidence, I blurted out: YES A PLAIN GIGANTIC BLACK HOT. There was a pause and then Chooch said, “That’s disgusting.”
  • Oh speaking of Sweet Secrets, there was this one time when my Aunt Sharon (of the Moroccan Trip fame) bought me some new ones because I was spoiled AF but my childhood BFF Christy was with me at my Pappap’s house when this happened and Sharon, knowing Christy would be there, also bought her one too and I remember being #SoAnnoyed because that was ONE LESS FOR ME. I told Henry this story recently and his response was a deadpan, “Wow, that doesn’t sound like you at all.”

There. Five things in the bag, biotch! I’ll leave you with a compilation of Mark Lee from NCT laughing in case you are having a bad day.

5 Things I Found In the Attic

 Friday Five, nostalgia
Jan 212022
 

For this installment of Friday Five, here are five things I found in the attic several weekends ago when we were cleaning it out only to never return because it has been too fucking cold.

  1. A Whole Bunch of Australian Boarding Passes, etc.

First of all? Literally do not remember my flights being on Air New Zealand?? But seeing “Century Travel” printed on that ticket brought me WAY back to sitting in the travel agency inside of Century III Mall with my mom, who told me on the way there that she was only going to help me if I LIED to the travel agent and said I needed to go to Canberra for a wedding and not a concert, because the truth was “soooo embarrassing.” Um, ok?

I also remember being a nervous wreck on that flight to Sydney, not because I was scared of flying (that psychological affliction wouldn’t come into play until a year later, after 9/11) but because I was so panicked about seeing the Cure and frantic to find a way to meet them.

(SPOILER ALERT: I met them.)

(It’s actually amazing how impactful this one-week period in my life turned out to be.)

2. BUT WHO TOOK THIS PICTURE?

OK, based on my hair, this was the fall of 1998, and Lisa and I were certainly at a haunted house, and these were definitely guys we must have befriended in line, but I don’t really remember? I think this could have been at Allen’s Haunted Hay Ride?

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(Hey Erin, why not grab your old haunted house journals and check, that’s what they’re for, you know.) Actually, I think I kind of remember them, and one of them saying, “Whatever sinks your ship” in response to one of us saying “Whatever floats your boat”??? Also, why am I looking at them with such gross adoration?

But really, I want to know who took this picture.

Also, I don’t remember my hair being that curly. I thought I usually straightened it back then??

Also x2 I fucking loved that pleather jacket so much. It was from Contempo!!!

Sometime this weekend, I will peruse the ol’ haunted house journals and report back with THE DEETS. Maybe I’ll even TRANSCRIBE the whole sordid write-up. We’ll see how bored I am.

3. Before There Were Smartphones…

I used to scribble things that I wanted to blog about (back in the LiveJournal days!) on whatever scrap of paper I could find. When I stumbled upon this in the attic, I screamed because I totally remember what all these things reference: It was the spring of 2004 and these were things that happened while Henry and I were walking in one of the cemeteries on the Northside and Henry gave me the NOW INFAMOUS “moss is bad” speech, which my friend Alyson and I still reference and crack up over TO THIS DAY. Also, I remember wanting that sandwich (I think I was on the phone with Christina when I decided I needed this sandwich and wrote it down as a command for Henry, who dutifully went to Fredo’s in Dormont and procured said roasted veg sandwich for me.

The way I remember the most useless things, though…

4. MY PHIL COLLINS CONCERT PROGRAM!!

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This is pretty self-explanatory but when Henry held it up from his corner of the attic, I screamed because obviously seeing Genesis in December had opened the floodgates of Phil Collins concert memories, and I could not for the life of me remember what happened to that program, and had figured I probably just never brought it with me when I moved out of my parents’ house in 1998.

Also, look at all the junk in the background! I swear we’re not hoarders. A good chunk of the stuff in the attic was all baby shit (a Pack-n-Play, stroller, etc) that we kept “just in case,” even though I was certain from the moment of THE C-SECTION that I was one-n-done, my friends. So, most of that stuff is now officially out of the attic. We still have a long way to go, though, because Henry has so many computer parts and other assorted accessories up there, and you can’t just throw that shit away. Plus, I have a TON of VHS tapes. So we have to find somewhere to donate those, at some point, ugh. Cleaning is so boring.

5. GAMEBOY PRINTER, ANYONE? 

I can’t even remember ever using this, yet here it is in my possession. I was hoping that maybe this was something that had turned into a hot commodity over the years, but according to eBay, these things are a dime a dozen. So now it went from cluttering the attic to cluttering my bedroom.

So, these are five things found during round 1 of Operation Attic Purge. Also found: literally like 4 boxes of letters from my penpals, such as my prisoner pen pal Aaron who used to complain to me about his baby mamas and then one day CONFESSED THAT HE LOVED ME and Henry was like, “Oh boy, took him long enough.

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” He might be out of jail at this point. He didn’t kill anyone, just shot some guy in the ass.

Henry’s Five Favorite Books of 2021

 Friday Five, Guest Post, Henrying, Uncategorized
Dec 242021
 

Omg for this edition of Friday Fives, Henry is visiting to tell us about his fave reads of the year! Which* means he will tell me a botched title and then I will try to coax some descriptive words from him while he’s cooking shit for tomorrow’s Christmas dinner and then I’ll do all the typing too.

But sure let’s call it a guest post.

*(wtf I tried to spell this as ‘whitch’ THREE TIMES even though spellcheck was frantically trying to tell me I’m a big stoop.

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)

Oh, just a heads up that Henry’s opinions are based off the audiobooks alone. He doesn’t have time to read physical books but he powers through the audio versions while working and I’m so happy that he has been doing this because it’s been so much fun having a built-in book club at home.

Fun fact: Henry’s favorite genre of book is THRILLER. (“Probably,” he added as an afterthought.)

1. Bunny – Mona Awad

“It bas a unique premise.”

2. Bear Town – Frederik Backman

“The story and characters were well-written.

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”

See also: Henry has a voice crush on the narrator.

3. Nothing To See Here – Kevin Wilson

“It was a very interesting story….

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and it had the same narrator as Bear Town.”

4. House In the Cerulean Sea – TJ Klune

“My favorite character was the antichrist kid.”

5. The Diviners Series – Libba Bray

“I just liked the story and the characters through all the books, I dunno.”

****

Well guys that was literally the most I could pull from his brain. He didn’t even want to do that much and I was screaming JUST GIVE ME ONE FUCKING SENTENCE FOR EACH BOOK THEN OMFG.

So there you have it. If you ever wanted to read like Henry, now you can. Merry Christmas.

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