Sunday was another beautiful day! I was (mostly) in a good mood and Henry and Chooch were (mostly) cooperative with my whims.
The highlight was meeting up with Amber1 for lunch at First Watch. She got a new job recently so I was really happy to see her–we all miss her smiling face, boy band obsession, and conversations about pink salt at work. :(
This was a first time for both of us at First Watch and we both quickly decided we would go back again soon because the menu was full of healthy bullshit and we like that.
“I have to bring Brian here,” Amber said about her fiance. “I think he’ll love it!”
I was about to say something about bringing Henry, but I think he would hate it. They have avocado toast on the menu and Henry is confused by this trend. Personally, I loved the place! Amber and I both had amazing kale juice and I felt like a Californian…or someone in Lawrenceville. Amber got the aforementioned avocado toast and luckily didn’t make the same fatal mistake I once made by eating avocado toast without taking a picture of it first because if you eat avocado toast without taking a picture first DID YOU REALLY EVEN EAT AVOCADO TOAST?
This same thing happened to me two weeks ago with Halo Top.
Meanwhile, I had major ordering remorse when I got some granola stuff which was delicious, but only would be good if you were a solo diner or with someone who does most of the talking because that shit does not make conversing easy. Every time I tried to say something, I think I flung some oats out of my dumb mouth. My jaw hurt from all the chewing! I eventually gave up and asked for a take out container, at which point I nearly missed the container altogether and came oh-so close to dumping that nutritious shit into my lap.
“My boyfriend usually does this for me,” I nervously laughed as the waitress stood there waiting for me to act like an adult and take care of shit so she could take my empty bowl away.
Speaking of the waitress though! She was really fantastic and even brought us samples of the juices to try. One had turmeric in it and our waitress went on to sing its praises. She had both of us convinced that we need to introduce turmeric pills into our daily routine, so of course I ran home and told Henry that I need turmeric pills.
“Koreans don’t use turmeric,” he said, and I totally believed him but now I’m wondering if he just said that because he doesn’t want to get involved with the turmeric industry.
Anyway, it was so great to see Amber1 and it made me realize that aside from various parties (and the Color Run!), we have never really hung out with each other outside of work. I hope that we make hanging out a habit! We have lots of BIGBANG things to discuss.
When I came home, Henry was standing on the steps, measuring the wall so that he could hang up my Circa Survive tour poster that he finally bought a frame for. He was on the second step from the top, and I was all the way at the top, telling him about all the wonderful food at First Watch that he would probably hate because grains n’ quinoa n’ at, when SUDDENLY he lost his footing and ALMOST FELL DOWN THE STEPS!
He caught himself just in time and then proceeded to fuck with the measuring tape like it was no big thang what just happened, so I did all the freaking out on his behalf. And by that I mean I screamed, “OH MY GOD, YOU ALMOST JUST RUINED OUR WEEKEND!”
And then down the steps, I yelled to Chooch, “DADDY ALMOST FELL DOWN THE STEPS AND RUINED OUR WEEKEND!”
“Ugh, I wish he would have,” Chooch sighed. “Then I wouldn’t have to do this stupid photoshoot.”
Oh yeah, about that.
A few weeks ago, I bought this black velvet blazer at Goodwill with the intention of dressing it up kpop style for Chooch. One night I was looking at it and I thought to myself, “What Would G-Dragon Do?” and since I’m not a billionaire fashionista who hangs with Karl Lagerfeld, I went to the craft store and bought fun-fur and googly eyes.
And then I told Henry what to do with the fun-fur and googly eyes. And after he hot-glued them up his ass, I had him put the rest on the blazer.
We went to Homewood Cemetery later that afternoon. It’s been a hot minute since we desecrated that place with our shitty presence! Long story short, the first fifteen minutes were VERY VOLATILE and I got busted throwing a major temper tantrum by a trio of college girls who were traipsing around with their cameras. I tried to play it off like I wasn’t about to go all Mo’ Murda on my family, but I JUST DON’T LIKE IT WHEN THINGS DON’T GO MY WAY!
And then I flung my hand in the air in exasperation and one of my rings flew off my finger and I couldn’t find it!
“What ring is it?” Henry asked calmly, prodding the grass with his hands.
“THE GOLD BAND,” I wailed.
“What does it look like?”
“It’s a GOLD BAND,” I repeated.
“But what does it look like?”
“ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING IT’S A MOTHERFUCKING GOLD BAND, MOTHERFUCKER. IT LOOKS LIKE A BAND THAT IS GOLD,” I seethed.
For fuck’s sake!!!
(It’s a ring I got in Greece and I wear it on my ring finger so that I can pretend I’m married.)
Thank god Henry found it. I’m wearing it on a fatter finger now so that won’t happen again.
(Meanwhile, Chooch just sat in the grass, taking this whole scene in and smirking because his parents are fucking idiots.)
ANYWAY, here are some pictures of Chooch in his new haute(glue) couture blazer, looking fucking fabulous and he knows it.
“I feel like this is something G-Dragon would do,” Chooch said, looking all aegyo. I AM BRAINWASHING MY FAMILY AND I LOVE IT.
Praying for it to end.
Hey guys, before you send the Cemetery Popo to my crib, please know that these flowers were discarded on the road. We didn’t steal them from someone’s grave – WE’RE ONLY DICKS ON SATURDAYS. After Chooch was done with them, he picked a lonely grave to lay them down on because he is a good, good boy (THAT’S A G-DRAGON SONG).
I showed this picture to Glenn and he was like, “Did you hot glue those to his eyelids too?” and then made some CYS joke and I was like, “OH HO HO CYS has already been to my house for photos I’ve taken in the cemetery.” (Truth. We can laugh about it now.)
(But honestly, WE JUST USED TAPE and it was CHOOCH’S IDEA. HE WANTED THOSE ON HIS EYES. HE ASKED FOR IT OK.)
Oh yeah, he hates this.
We had to use a lint roller on the blazer every 4 minutes because I didn’t buy designer fun-fur, OK? I bought the $2 pelts that shed like a cat with alopecia.
GOOGLY EYE SELFIE.
After all the initial fighting, it turned out to be a great afternoon in the cem! One of the reasons I like to do these fauxtoshoots is because it gets us out of the house doing shit for free, and then we usually end up having a pretty good time. And I get to add to my collection of Embarrassing Photos of Chooch to Show His Future Dates.
If nothing else, this blog post taught me that it’s TURMERIC and not tumeric. Who knew. Not me.
