And now the giveaway is finally here! I wasn’t lying this time!

To recap the bounty:

• 5 eyeshadows and 1 blush of your choice from My Pretty Zombie cosmetics = $33 value

• a custom Somnambulant painting from the skullz0rz series = PRICELESS. J/K, probably like $20

• a set of 5 zombie notecards from my non compos cards shop = $15 value

• one 8×8 lomography print on metallic paper of Trudy Stufflebean from my Appledale Snaps shop = $20 value

• one mp3 CD chockful of all the bands I mention on here constantly.
• random last minute miscellanea.

So go! Enter, and enter often! There are tons of different ways to get extra entries, like by submitting a sketch of Henry! (If you’re one of the awesome people who already sent me one, you can already check that off as one entry.) Comment on the posts that my friends chose as their favorites last week – each one counts as an entry! And if you’re a dude, you should still enter. You never know when you’ll be entering a drag queen pageant and then you’ll really be glad you have 5 shades of hot, glittery eye shadow at your disposal. Or just give it your wife/mistress/daughter/mistress’s daughter/bus driver.

Just, thank you. Thank you so much for reading my stuff and making me feel nice. You guys rule.

Giveaway ends on Saturday.

If you win and don’t like it, it would probably make a good door stop or fireplace kindle.

Hopefully that gives you incentive to keep reading and enter. If not, I can maybe throw in a Henry-prepared casserole and some through-the-kitchen-window Polaroids of Hot Naybor Chris.

Tip: the giveaway possibly has something to do with the old blog posts my friends have shared on here throughout the week. You don’t think I’d make this EASY do you? Pop quiz all the way!

Maybe I’ll even sweeten the pot and give something away to a random commenter. You know how I do. (And by that I mean resorting to bribery.)

1. join the orphan dwarves in her cosmetics sweatshop

2. host a giveaway on my blog

While I do enjoy a good paycheck of lukewarm porridge, I decided to spread ‘em like a rookie whore for Easter spirit and that is how this giveaway came to be.

BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE!

Andrea is tossing in a SECOND set (please don’t ask what I had to give up to make that deal a reality) so for the first time in the history of blog giveaways (completely not true), there will be TWO winners!

The Colors, in Andrea’s own words, which of course are sullied at the end by my own two cents:

• Deviled Egg: A yolky shimmery yellow with red glitter (ERIN’S FAVORITE. I want her to officially add that in the listing. It makes me want to lick my own eye lids. Because I really like deviled eggs. If I go to party that isn’t serving deviled eggs, I leave in a huff. Usually I’ll try to steal something on the way out.)

• Dye! Dye!: Medium blue with a hint of pink sparkle (Way less Drew Carey’s Mimi, more Blue Velvet. It’s my new favorite blue.)

• Basketcase: Plastic grass green (The day I wore this, I was showing Henry because I liked it so much. “It’s nice that she named it after you, too” he said.)

• Rabbits Foot: Lavender with a hint of pink sparkle (This is such a delicate shade! It makes me feel like a good little Catholic girl frolicking along a hillside during an Easter egg hunt, then sneaking off with the older boy from the inner city when no one is looking so we can exchange the eggs for eight balls.)

• Ham: A Bacon-y coppery pink (It’s so pretty and shimmery, it makes me crave the real thing, which I haven’t eaten in sixteen years. So if I fall off the wagon, I’m suing Andrea.)

• Peepshow: Fluffy marshmallow white with piles of pastel glitter! (It’s like molten Peeps for the lids, without the viscous aftermath. But if it’s the stickiness you crave, you could probably add some Elmer’s to it. I won’t tell.)

Dye! Dye! and Ham; Rabbits Foot and Basketcase

Deviled Egg, with Dye! Dye! and Basketcase as liner, and my Dead Hooker lashes. (I’m at the bottom of my mascara tube, ya’ll.)

This is a limited edition set and won’t be around for much longer. It retails at $20 and fits perfectly in between the chocolate crucifix and jelly beans in an Easter basket.

Here’s a more adequate review, for anyone who missed it the first 80 times I posted it:

Do you hate when you only make it halfway through your shift at the soup kitchen before your eyeshadow gets all cracked and creased, and suddenly all the homeless people are mistaking you for that hooker who just washed up under the pier? Tired that you can’t even get busted after a full day’s work of running the meth lab without your mug shot looking like Tammy Faye Bakker, a month into decomposition?

Thank god Andrea from My Pretty Zombie has developed her own line of eyeshadow in an array of vibrant pigments which stay fresh even on the eyelids of broads who are ridden hard and put away wet.

For $5, you can select a pot of loose shadow, gently infused with flecks of princess-like glitter to beat the school marm right the hell out of you. And a little goes a long way with these pots because the pigmentation is so opulent that it doesn’t take much more than one good swipe to get that smoky, opaque look you saw on last week’s Gossip Girl.

Pictured above is Bride, which is a translucent white with a subtle green shimmer. It’s almost holographic, perfect if you’re Jem or one of the Holograms, or just aspire to be. Not that I would know anything about that. Bride provides the whole “less is more” sentimentality, like on your wedding night when you slip into bed wearing nothing but a strap-on, inspiring your new husband to tear up the scroll of all the sex moves he learned on Urban Dictionary.

Less is more.

Pictured above is Roxie and Old Bruise. I love Roxie because pink is one of my favorite colors but I can never find a good shade. It’s either too light or too garish, like Aunt Mary’s potpourri scented La-Z-Boy. But Roxie is just what I’ve been looking for. It stayed on all day at Warped Tour! Well, until I went into the bathroom and tried to drown myself in the sink for heat relief. And just as it’s perfect for screamo shows, a lighter-handed application makes it suitable for work at The Law Firm too. I’m guessing it’s OK because no one has asked the going price for my blow jobs.

I love Roxie and Old Bruise together because it makes me feel like I’m ready to take on the day, 1985-style. Definitely the perfect shades to pair together for the roller rink, which I fully intend to do for the next adult skate.

My Pretty Zombie eye shadow is perfect for transvestites too! Here, Henry is wearing Mitzi on the lid closer to us, and Madison on the other. I think all the grit and man-grime permanently puttied in Henry’s skin makes the two shades look more similar than they really are. Because they’re not similar. Mitzi is that really hot shade of gunmetal you wish you had on your lids when you go to the local lost and found in search of your missing revolver and people start asking you annoying questions. Like, what color is it.

Andrea was even ingenious enough to embed bullets into Mitzi, so you can kill people in traffic just by blinking.

I didn’t use an applicator for the sake of this photo, just my fingertip, which made Henry howl in pain. “Jesus Christ, you’re pushing my eyeball in!” he cried. Shit, Henry. You already look like a bitch, stop acting like one too.

“You’re the worst woman,” he muttered when he inspected himself in the mirror. “You got it all down here under my eye, too!” he yelled, tidying up his makeover for the camera.

Donna, Old Bruise, My Pretty Zombie, a star

My Pretty Zombie is good for all eyelids. Goths, moms, school girls, trannies, hookers, zombies (some of them actually give a shit about their appearance, thanks to goddamn society), gym teacher trying to break stereotypes, Japanese game show host: this is some versatile shit. I should know – I change identities every day. It’s for my job. I can’t really talk about it.

If I didn’t truly like this stuff, I wouldn’t have written about it. I’d have told Andrea that I lost my eyelids when I was deployed to the Netherlands to fight in the war against cheese graters.

Now it’s time to do what Bela Karolyi screams at his pre-pubescent camp of gymnasts: WIN, BITCHES, WIN. Luckily, winning this giveaway won’t stunt your growth and send you into the world with the chest development of a 10-year-old boy. (Though I haven’t tested this on any animals to make damn sure.)

Rules to enter, of which you can do one or all:

• Definitely comment here with your email address, or else nothing else will count because I won’t know you exist
• Become a fan of My Pretty Zombie on Facebook by clicking here
• Heart My Pretty Zombie on Etsy by clicking here
• Write a poem about how lonely your lids are without MPZ eyeshadows to swaddle them in warmth
• Show me a picture of you and the Easter bunny

Each comment equals one entry. So for example, if you become a fan of MPZ on Facebook, leave a second comment saying so; etc etc. (I’m really quite fantastic at contest rules.)

This giveaway is open to one and all, men and women alike (no one here judges, except for Henry, but he was practically born in the ’50′s), people who live in igloos or lean-tos, even fans of Katy Perry and Justin Bieber. If making flamboyant eyes at people from across the morgue isn’t your thing, then perhaps you know someone who might be interested in these fine pots of pigmented lovin’. So spread the word! Don’t hide yo’ wives or yo’ daughters from this opportunity.

Entries will be closed on Sunday, April 17th, 10:00PM EST. Two winners will be picked using that Random.org thing.

Comment #37 will be the lucky recipient of 5 pots of Andrea’s My Pretty Zombie eye shadow! (Literally, comment #37 wins the eye shadows, not the person who actually left the comment.)

So, person with the best name in the entire world (i.e. Erin), I will be contacting you for your mailing address. LOOK OUT.

Thanks to everyone who entered and a special thanks to those who courted the eye shadows with poems – they were so much fun for Andrea and I to read!

I wrote a review on it a few months ago, but I figure the only way to really get anyone to take my word for it is to give some away. Because I have an Oprah-complex, Andrea was cool enough to send me five pots of my favorite colors for one nude-lidded reader to win.

• Nacreous Alchemy – the gold for which I’ve always been on the hunt, and now the bounty can be yours. In addition to gilding my lids with its regal sheen, I also like to wet the tip of an applicator and apply this under my eyes.
• Pink Eye - a pale pink packed with iridescence. I like to pair it with Nacreous Alchemy on those days I need to remind everyone that I’m a princess.
• Henrywinkle – I almost have no words for Henrywinkle because it’s such an unusual blend of purple and blue, unlike any eyeshadow hue I’ve ever seen. I also like to wear this under my eyeballs. It makes my eyes look huge, like a deer about to bite it.
• Mitzi – a shiny gunmetal gray. Everyone seemed to really love this when she debuted it, but I was like, “No, this is way too dark for me.” Then I tried it and loudly jumped aboard the bandwagon. I never use eyeliner anymore now that I have this. It’s perfect for achieving those coveted smokey eyes without mistakenly giving yourself that wrinkled ex-Bunny Rancher look that the harsh lines of black liner often accomplish.
• UNICORN PEE – the most awesome shade Andrea’s ever masterminded in her cosmetics laboratory, which I like to imagine is full of bubbling beakers and vats of acid waiting to catch a pushed body. Anyway, Unicorn Pee is a very pale blue chockful of rainbow sparkles. It is amazing, gorgeous and fun. A great highlighter and perfect for anyone who needs an extra hand channeling their inner Rainbow Brite. I wear mine quite often because I’m awesome, and now you can be too.

Unicorn Pee, with Henrywinkle as liner, and my Dead Hooker lashes. (I’m at the bottom of my mascara tube, ya’ll.)

Here’s a more adequate review, for anyone who missed it the first time:

Do you hate when you only make it halfway through your shift at the soup kitchen before your eyeshadow gets all cracked and creased, and suddenly all the homeless people are mistaking you for that hooker who just washed up under the pier? Tired that you can’t even get busted after a full day’s work of running the meth lab without your mug shot looking like Tammy Faye Bakker, a month into decomposition?

Thank god Andrea from My Pretty Zombie has developed her own line of eyeshadow in an array of vibrant pigments which stay fresh even on the eyelids of broads who are ridden hard and put away wet.

For $5, you can select a pot of loose shadow, gently infused with flecks of princess-like glitter to beat the school marm right the hell out of you. And a little goes a long way with these pots because the pigmentation is so opulent that it doesn’t take much more than one good swipe to get that smoky, opaque look you saw on last week’s Gossip Girl.

Pictured above is Bride, which is a translucent white with a subtle green shimmer. It’s almost holographic, perfect if you’re Jem or one of the Holograms, or just aspire to be. Not that I would know anything about that. Bride provides the whole “less is more” sentimentality, like on your wedding night when you slip into bed wearing nothing but a strap-on, inspiring your new husband to tear up the scroll of all the sex moves he learned on Urban Dictionary.

Less is more.

Pictured above is Roxie and Old Bruise. I love Roxie because pink is one of my favorite colors but I can never find a good shade. It’s either too light or too garish, like Aunt Mary’s potpourri scented La-Z-Boy. But Roxie is just what I’ve been looking for. It stayed on all day at Warped Tour! Well, until I went into the bathroom and tried to drown myself in the sink for heat relief. And just as it’s perfect for screamo shows, a lighter-handed application makes it suitable for work at The Law Firm too. I’m guessing it’s OK because no one has asked the going price for my blow jobs.

I love Roxie and Old Bruise together because it makes me feel like I’m ready to take on the day, 1985-style. Definitely the perfect shades to pair together for the roller rink, which I fully intend to do for the next adult skate.

My Pretty Zombie eye shadow is perfect for transvestites too! Here, Henry is wearing Mitzi on the lid closer to us, and Madison on the other. I think all the grit and man-grime permanently puttied in Henry’s skin makes the two shades look more similar than they really are. Because they’re not similar. Mitzi is that really hot shade of gunmetal you wish you had on your lids when you go to the local lost and found in search of your missing revolver and people start asking you annoying questions. Like, what color is it.

Andrea was even ingenious enough to embed bullets into Mitzi, so you can kill people in traffic just by blinking.

I didn’t use an applicator for the sake of this photo, just my fingertip, which made Henry howl in pain. “Jesus Christ, you’re pushing my eyeball in!” he cried. Shit, Henry. You already look like a bitch, stop acting like one too.

“You’re the worst woman,” he muttered when he inspected himself in the mirror. “You got it all down here under my eye, too!” he yelled, tidying up his makeover for the camera.

Donna, Old Bruise, My Pretty Zombie, a star

My Pretty Zombie is good for all eyelids. Goths, moms, school girls, trannies, hookers, zombies (some of them actually give a shit about their appearance, thanks to goddamn society), gym teacher trying to break stereotypes, Japanese game show host: this is some versatile shit. I should know – I change identities every day. It’s for my job. I can’t really talk about it.

If I didn’t truly like this stuff, I wouldn’t have written about it. I’d have told Andrea that I lost my eyelids when I was deployed to the Netherlands to fight in the war against cheese graters.

Now it’s time to do what Bela Karolyi screams at his pre-pubescent camp of gymnasts: WIN, BITCHES, WIN. Luckily, winning this giveaway won’t stunt your growth and send you into the world with the chest development of a 10-year-old boy. (Though I haven’t tested this on any animals to make damn sure.)

Rules to enter, of which you can do one or all:

• Definitely comment here with your email address, or else nothing else will count because I won’t know you exist
• Become a fan of My Pretty Zombie on Facebook by clicking here
• Heart My Pretty Zombie on Etsy by clicking here
• Write a poem about how lonely your lids are without MPZ eyeshadows to swaddle them in warmth

Each comment equals one entry. So for example, if you become a fan of MPZ on Facebook, leave a second comment saying so; etc etc. (I’m really quite fantastic at contest rules.)

This giveaway is open to one and all, men and women alike (no one here judges, except for Henry, but he was practically born in the ’50′s), people who live in igloos or lean-tos, even fans of Katy Perry and Justin Bieber. If making flamboyant eyes at people from across the morgue isn’t your thing, then perhaps you know someone who might be interested in these fine pots of pigmented lovin’. So spread the word! Don’t hide yo’ wives or yo’ daughters from this opportunity.

Entries will be closed on Saturday, February 26th, noon EST. Winner will be picked using that Random.org thing.

You know how you never wished to have serial killer-themed Valentine cards to send out to your loved ones? Well, this is your chance to get FIVE of the things you never wished to have, FOR FREE! Oh believe it, my friends. This could be your year to express your love by sending the mugs of Richard Ramirez, Jeffrey Dahmer, Albert Fish, Ted Bundy and Ed Gein to five lucky people in your life.

Could it be your stalkee?

The cop who had your car towed?

Sarah Palin?

Ed Gein

This card gives new meaning to eternal love, and what’s better than that, except for maybe the possibility of a lover turning your skinned flesh into a lampshade.

Bestow your loved one with Ed Gein’s mug on Valentine’s Day, or any regular old day you want them to know that you still think they’re a fine piece.

Richard Ramirez

This Valentine’s Day, show the object of your obsession that you mean business. Serious, bloody, stabbing business.

Albert Fish

There is something tingly and erotic when someone tells you, “Hey you know I love you right? But I’d love you even more if you let me get all Food Network with your flesh.” It’s like the new anal sex for the reluctant partner.

This card portrays one of America’s most beloved cannibals, Albert Fish. Maybe he can help push your cause.

Jeffrey Dahmer

Treat your Valentine to this lovingly thoughtful card to let them know that not only do you love them, but you bet they’re tasty too. I don’t know about you, but there’s little that can get my libido Jazzercized quite like the threat of cannibalism.

Ted Bundy

[inside reads: ...and how great a pair of nylons would look wrapped around your neck]

Let your loved ones know that not you, but TED BUNDY, is thinking of them by sending this very thoughtful card. Sure, they might get some chills, but only because they feel SO SPECIAL.

The winner gets all five cards, made of thick and sturdy cardstock which will be delivered to you with five accompanying envelopes. The bases, they have all been covered.

To enter: leave a comment here, including an email address where you can be contacted if you are the winner. You don’t have to do all that re-tweeting and Facebook-liking shit. A simple comment will suffice. But if you want to fancify said comment with an anecdote, your life story, Degrassi spoiler alerts, that would be just fine also. I am a bored girl; please amuse me.

Entries will be accepted until noon on Friday, at which point the winner will be chose at the whim of Random.org. Once the winner replies to me with a mailing address, the cards will be shipped out post haste. Now go on, fools! Enter!

[These cards plus more are available for purchase over at non compos cards. Peace out, girl scout.]

THIS CONTEST IS NOW CLOSED!

The winner was comment #11: Naomi V. Your cards will be mailed out once I get a shipping address. Thanks to everyone for playing!

I used that lovely Random.org thing that I always have to stare at for a few minutes before it dawns on me what to do. I forgot about ‘print screen,’ so here is the winner as captured by my crappy iPhone camera:

That means the winner is Jersey Diva Mom! I have no idea what your prize will be! But I can guarantee it will be something having nothing to do with Miley Cyrus. Probably no weaponry, either; I’m on this unusual anti-violence kick.

Recently someone was like, “You know, Erin, your blog is like, all about you.” That must get annoying. So today, let’s make it all about YOU.  Tell me something about yourself! It could be anything – your favorite band, food that gives you hives, where you hid that body in ’99. It’s fun to learn about who reads this, and I’ve met some really awesome people this way (one who even lives in the same ‘hood as me!). So don’t be shy. Even if you see me everyday, even if we’ve been playing in the Internet sandbox together since 2004, and especially if you’ve never commented here before, you should totally play along. I want to know you! There might even be a random prize*. You never know.

So tell me something about yourself, or get the fuck out! (Kidding! God.)

* Seriously, I might be giving  something away to a random commenter so leave an email address!

First, I saw that I could just take some aging bananas and mash it all upon my face. Good thing Henry likes to leave fruits and vegetables laying around in open graves, attracting fruit flies by the droves.

“What exactly are you doing?” Henry asked when he saw me monopolizing prime counter space while he was trying to cook dinner. I turned around with banana entrails coating my fingers.

“I’m doing something awesome. Go away.” I squirted honey into the bowl and ran off to the bathroom where my banana mush could make love to my face in privacy.

Not a minute after pushing him away, I was yelling down for Henry to help me.  He walked in just in time to catch me dry heaving into the shower curtain.

“It’s just bananas!” he said all condescendingly. But the consistency! The color! It was like mucous. Think, chunky mucous collected from a team of hawkering truckers.

I have a real problem with putting stuff on my face. Even store-bought masks that are all honeylicious and gooey; not gonna happen on this girl’s face, which might make one wonder, “Then why are you bothering with this, dummy?” To which I might answer, “I don’t know.” Although, I do have a lot of time on my hands. Time and determination, my friends.

I can handle clay-type facial masks though, so I went back to Crunchy Betty and found one that sounded like it would fit within my parameters of acceptable epidermal food-smearing.

Mocha-Frappucino Mask

• 2 Tbsp freshly ground coffee (the finer the grind, the better)
• 2 Tbsp. cocoa powder
• 3 Tbsp. milk (whole), heavy cream, or yogurt
• 1 Tbsp. honey
  

Henry was angry because he had to stop cooking his dinner in order to supervise. I was trying to mix everything together with the tablespoon measuring thing and I didn’t think it was all that big of a deal. Mr. Pampered Chef started rummaging through drawers in search of the proper mixing device. Then he goes, “You should add an egg to that for protein.” Henry always has to urinate on things to make it his own. It’s really annoying.

“You know I’m not eating this, right?” I asked.

But Henry knows everything! Even stuff about what is good for FACES. God, that Henry. Am I right? I don’t know how he finds the time to learn everything about everything in the entire history of the planet.

Next thing I knew, he had cracked an egg on the counter top and was separating it while it was still in the shell. I think he secretly hopes that I’ve been filming him on the sly doing all these things throughout the years, so that one day I’ll have enough footage of his sheer ingenuity and culinary aptitude to submit an audition tape to Food Network on his behalf.

Oh, I do. But that’s not where I’m sending it.

Anyway, my gag reflex thanked me for the new concoction. The texture was pleasant against my fingertips and it didn’t make my face feel harassed by viscousness. It made me feel like a cake, so I added candy stars which have absolutely no benefit to the skin as far as I know. But they sure are pretty.

In the instructions, Leslie says to “apply to a sleepy morning face.” Henry read that and said, “Does it work on miserable, bitchy night time faces, too?” Oh, our house is bursting with so much love it hurts. Ask Alisha. She was once accidentally impaled with an ice pick that I chucked at Henry out of love.

I like this picture because I look like Henry with a shit-beard.

Chooch wanted in on the action. But he’s just like me and HATES having stuff on his face (which is why I was surprised he was so willing to be made up into a zombie at his birthday party last May. Probably because he saw his BFF Bill do it first.)

That’s as much as he’d let me apply before shouting with authority, “OK! That’s enough now. Christ.”

It didn’t take very long for the concoction to harden against my face and I could feel my skin becoming taut beneath it. The best part about it is that it smelled SO GOOD. And it didn’t drip off my face  like bungee-jumping pus.

And if you like the flavor of coffee grounds, then the mask tastes great. Just lick it off your face; I did. Who needs a shower and a washcloth?

The coffee grounds were less brutal than I imagined them to be. I don’t know what I was expecting, to rinse my face and find that I’m suddenly the new addition to the Bodies exhibit? It left my skin super soft and oil-free. Stupid me came running downstairs, yelling, “Touch my face! It’s so soft!” only to have two pairs of gross male-hands grope my cheeks. I probably could have stood to repeat the process after that.

So go on. Get yourself over to Crunchy Betty and find some stuff to put on your face.