Apr 262016
 

You guys. I found out recently that Henry has never been to Disney World. Apparently he was supposed to go when he was Chooch’s age. He went to Florida for two weeks to visit family and they were going to go to Disney on week two but Henry ended up getting SWIMMERS EAR or something — I don’t always pay attention when he spins his yarns–and so this was his first visit. It took him FIFTY YEARS to get there. The moral is never give up! And also, visit Disney before swimming with your family.  

I don’t know why I thought Henry was going to be stoked for this experience, like it was some late-bloomer, coming-of-age feel-good tale. Because of course he wasn’t stoked and it was none of those things. From the tram to the ferry to the park entrance, he was very “MEH” as you can see in that first photo up there, and there was no twist ending, trust me. 

Here is a collection of photos from Henry on Day One and Day Two because why not. 

DAY ONE: MAGIC KINGDOM

We made Henry wait some absurd amount of time (90 minutes maybe) to ride the Seven Dwarves Mine Ride thing and he got paired up with some other dad who immediately started yukking it up with him and Chooch and I heard Henry LAUGH before the ride even started! When I asked Henry afterward what the man said to make him laugh, he conveniently “couldn’t remember.” Probably some SERVICE joke. 

Henry rides alone on Big Thunder Mountain. HOLD ON, HANK! (That should be the name of Henry’s emo band.)

Unimpressed with the line for the Jungle Ride….

…but slightly amused about taking a boat ride full of mechanical animals and bad puns. 

Confused by all of the magic and happiness. 

Sleeping on the Little Mermaid ride. 

Ambivalent to ride through Winnie the Pooh’s story and also not cool enough to have ears. 

Henry said he wished they had a “First & Last Time” pin. Dang Henry. Maybe if they had more places to nap? 

DAY TWO: HOLLYWOOD STUDIOS

This park had less lines to stand in and about 90% less strollers to dodge, and In turn, Henry seemed a little less hemorrhoid-flared. 

Here we find Henry angry because when he buys pretzels for himself, we always eat most of it, but when he buys one for us, we never offer him any. I mean, you have legs Henry. Walk up and get your own pretzel ok thx. 


Family portrait: me, Chooch, pretzel with cheese. Also, some rando. 

When Chooch and I changed directions without alerting the warden. 


At the SciFi Dine-In, Henry wouldn’t let us get one of the good tables inside the old cars because then one of us would have to dine alone (lol it would have been him) so we had to sit at some dumb table which wasn’t as cool BUT WHATEVER HENRY WANTS, AMIRITE. Here he is considering getting the Ariel punch in the souvenir cup but remembering he doesn’t have enough security in his manhood to get away with it. You know, like Chooch. 

Running tally of all the attractions Henry has fallen asleep on so far:

  • Carousel of Progress
  • Little Mermaid ride thing at Disney
  • Little Mermaid show at Hollywood Studios (a splash of water woke him up lol)
  • Walt Disney Productions film
  • Muppets 3D
Sep 152015
 

As if you don’t know by now what Henry looks like at his most irritated and put-upon, here are a series of Henry bombs (I lied—some are straight-on shots that he knew about and was probably saying STOP as I was taking them). I haven’t done a Henry Bombs post in awhile because like everything else in my life, I lost interest.   

The “Day One, Band One, WTF am I Watching Right Now?” shot. This was during Into It. Over It. I thought they were lovely. Henry thought, well, his face says it all. 
  

The “Maybe If I Look For Ted Nugent on the Band Lineup For The 3rd Time, He’ll Show Up” shot. 

  

The “Professionally Giving Some French Broad Directions In The Fancy Econo Lodge Parking Lot & Then Spent the Rest of the Day Imagining Her French Kissing Me As Payment” shot. 

   
 The “I’ve Had A Lot Of Beers, Can’t Maintain The Frown, Whatever Band This Is Sucks But I Can’t Get My Face To Reflect That Sentiment! FROWWWWWN COMMMMMME BAAAAACK!” shot. 

  

The “Just Chillin’ With The Homie Yelawolf; He Probably Hates Manchester Orchestra, Too” shot. 
  

The “When Manchester Orchestra Is So Boring, I Make Origami With My Empty Beer Cup & That’s When I Know It’s Time For Another” shot. 

  

The “Hey I’m Gonna Get Another Beer Before I Finish This One So I Can Doublefist My Way To Oblivion While You Watch This Shitty Band That Sounds Like That Last Shitty Band On That Other Stage We Just Walked A Mile From & Then Maybe I’ll Buy a Beanie From the Stheart Booth So That I’ll Look More Like One Of Those Post Hardcore Boys You Like So Much” shot. 
  

The “Calculating How Much Beer Money Will I Have Left If I Pay Someone From the Hellzapoppin’ Circus to Set My Ears On Fire So I Don’t Have To Listen To Snoop Dogg Tonight” shot. 

  

The “Quick Gimme a Mirror, ‘Bloody Nugent, Bloody Nugent, Bloody Nugent'” shot. 
  

The “Nope, Nothing Sounds Better While Sitting” shot. 

  

The “Having My Head Adjusted After Going Hard In the Thrice Pit; Just Kidding, It’s Only My Afternoon Grooming” shot. 
 

The “Do We Really Need To Stand So Close For Every Time I Die? I Feel Very Unsafe” shot. 

  The “I Bet If I Had a Car This Bitchin’ IRL, I Could Bag a Woman More My Speed, Someone Who’d Be Content With Watching a Cheap Trick Cover Band At The Corner Bar Once a Year” shot. 

   

The “Thinking Of All the NCIS Marathoning I Could Be Doing This Weekend, But Instead I Had To Put On Pants Just to Have My Ears and Wallet Violated” shot. 

  

The “Shoulda Stayed in THE SERVICE” shot. 

  

The “I Hope She Spills That Fucking Coffee, McDonald’s-style” shot. 

 

The “FIRST IN LINE FOR MORNING BEER!!!!” shot. 
 The “Oh Ho, We’re Not Friends, Please Find A New Boyfriend Before We Go Home Today—Wait, WE STILL HAVE ANOTHER DAY?!” shot. 

Aug 042015
 

Funny backstory guys! 

Just kidding. This isn’t a funny story at all. But it’s going to start out waaaay worse than it ended up being so don’t you go and get all panicky!

A week before vacation, Henry and I came  home from work to find his mom, Judy, in what appeared to be some type of shock on the couch. She didn’t seem very cognizant or coherent, and she was shaking really bad.

We thought she was having a stroke. It was probably the scariest thing I’ve ever witnessed personally. Thank god Henry was there to take action because I was one step away from joining his mom on the couch. I’m so terrible in emergencies!

Chooch was down the street at his friend’s house so while I ran down to get him, Henry called 911 and then fetched Hot Naybor Chris’s wife, Ruth, who is a nurse. She sat with Judy and pretty quickly deduced that it likely was not a stroke. 

The first responders and paramedics said the same thing, but wanted to transport her to one of the city’s hospitals that has a stroke unit, to be safe.

Turns out she had several infections and a fever that was over 104, which was what had sent her into that scary, seemingly catatonic state. Long story short, she had to stay in the hospital for a week but she is home now and well on her way to recovery. 

Scariest thing I’ve ever witnessed though, and I appreciate the one first responder who tried to quell my sobbing by looking around the house and asking, “So, who likes The Cure?” Meanwhile, the othe one was slowly looking all around my house, at the pictures of bloody Easter bunnies and cemeteries on my walls, clowns scattered about, Ouija board container of mints on the skull-covered coffee table, and then at me, and then back at All The Stuff. I was slowly trying to roll up the Devil rug with my foot. I mean, my house isn’t an in-your-face exploration into the design aethestics of a serial killer, but there’s a lot to look at. And then the more you look…the more you might start to wonder….But I don’t think about it that often because this is my normal and usually the people who come into my house are people who know me so they’re not fazed. It’s always interesting to see it through a stranger’s eyes. 

I was telling Glenn and Amber2 about this the next day and for the first time since it all went down, I laughed. “It probably looked like a spell gone wrong!” And oh how we all chuckled in unison, a real Oh Honestly, Erin moment.   

To me, the creepiest thing in my house is that pink-haired boy in the background.   

Anyway, most of the Henry Bombs from that week were shot in the hospital, so now you’ll know why. (Oh, and obviously I wasn’t running around the hospital taking pictures on that first night; these were all when we were visiting, after we knew she was good and on the mend. Good lord, that was scary.)

  

The “Headless Henry Carries A Purse While I Stuff Melons Down My Shirt” shot. Seriously, my boob looks so big and droopy in this picture. 
  

The “Henry Enjoys the View From The Mercy Hospital Elevator, Considers Jumping” shot. 

  

The “Another Day, Another Elevator Ride, Another Same-Colored Shirt” shot. 
  

The “Stalking the Hospital Men’s Room, Waiting For Henry to Emerge, Getting Weird Looks In the Hallway” shot. 

  

The “Just Came Home From Buying Food For The Dependents, Found A Different Shirt To Wear, Is It Plain Enough?” shot. 
  

The “Hot Naybor Chris Is Working On His Car So Henry Suddenly Needs To Mow the Lawn” shot. 

 

The “Balancing a TV On Your Head Takes Panache And a Stately Moustache (And a Blank T-Shirt)” shot. 

 

Jul 212015
 

This past week, I collected some Henry Bombs in Cleveland and on some trail thing in Keystone State Park, wherever that is. I’ve been channeling all of my energy into convincing Henry of all the upcoming out-of-city/state concerts he needs to take me to, so this set of bombs kind of, well, bombs.

The “Henry Pays The Toll On the Way to Cleveland” shot.

The “Oh No Henry Forgot His Hat” shot. Just kidding. He’s calculating all of the money I cost him while massaging his stress headache.

The “Henry Dejectedly Walks To The Vegan Restaurant While Leaving a Trail Of Dignity Like Neutered Breadcrumbs In His Wake” shot.

The “Henry Is In The Basement of Mahall’s, Pissed That the Singer of the First Band Made Everyone Stand Up, And Trying To Look Like a Bouncer” shot.

The “Henry Clenches His Hand Into a Fist Of Fury As He Remembers How Gas Was Cheap Like Cabbage When He Was In THE SERVICE” shot.

The “Henry Eats Trail Mix On The Trail, Obviously” shot.

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The “Henry Drove Us 90 Minutes Away To Walk In The Woods And We Bitched About Bugs The Whole  Time And Now He’s Mad(der Than Usual)” shot.

The “Professional Driver Henry Shuttles Erin To Work In His Trusty Juice Carriage” shot.

Hope you’re having a good week and not like, getting kicked off of Warped Tour for being a disgusting piece of shit, or whatever.

Jul 152015
 

The “‘Getting Stuck Carrying Everyone’s Shit at Warped Tour, What Fucking Band Is This Anyway? Don’t Answer That, I Don’t Care'” shot.

(Shout out to that Zao shirt back there!)

The “Waiting For Never Shout Never To Start and Hoping Chooch Wants To Leave After That Because Let’s Go Son, I’m Ready; We’ll Come Back Later And Pick Up Your Mother” shot.

The “Henry Tries To Blend In After Losing His Kids During The Band Our Last Night, This Is Worse Than The Time He Was In The Service And Had To Fight In a Real Life War HaHa J/K That Was Just a Bad Dream” shot.

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The “OMG Henry Has His Arm In The Air For Pierce The Veil….Oh Wait, He’s Just Trying To Tame His Bushy Brows” shot.

The “Mmmm. Family Granola Bar Time At Warped Tour, Reminds Him of the Care Packages His Mom Sent Him When He Was In THE SERVICE” shot.

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The “Where’s Henry?” shot.

The “Pretending I Dropped Something On the Floor At King’s So I Could Get a Crotch Shot” guest shot by Chooch.

The “‘Ugh, I Need To Stop Fingering Cabbage Patch Kids'” shot.

The “Waiting For the Furry Parade To Start, Wondering What Kind of Furry He Would Be If He Had the Courage, Probably a Ted Nugent Bear” shot.

Jul 072015
 

Wow, is it time for Henry Bombs already? Are you guys tired of these yet? HENRY IS! I didn’t get very many bombs this weekend because most of Friday was spent hating each other (we were stuck in traffic for two hours en route to a stupid flea market and hated each other so bad that the option of getting married just so we could go through a nasty divorce and ruthless custody battle may have been put on the table) and then I just didn’t care much after that.

But anyway.

The “Henry Waits Four Seasons To Start Watching Teen Wolf and Then Asks ‘Who’s that?‘ and ‘Why is this happening?‘ and ‘Is she a werewolf, too?*‘ While Eating a Hot Dog Wrapped In Bread**” shot.

*No, she’s a coyote, asshole! Try to keep up!

**No, it wasn’t Hot Naybor Chris’s  charity bread. :(

The “We Just Spent An Entire Afternoon Hating Each Other And Now Henry Is Considering Thelma&Louise’ing This Car Off a Cliff, Chooch Put Your Seat Belt On” shot.

The “Getting Ready To Eat Dinner In Silence After a Shitty Day Together, Check His Pockets For Hemlock” shot.

The “Contemplating Single Life, Lamenting That He Forgot To Order Cole Slaw” shot.

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The “Casual Stroll Through The Pit Stop Parking Lot, YOU’RE LUCKY I FED YOU TWO AFTER THE SHIT YOU PULLED TODAY!!!” shot. 

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The “When You’re Admiring A Beautiful Tree Without Judging Its Crookedness & Then You Realize MICHAEL MYERS Is Standing Behind It, Oh Wait, Bro, That’s Just Henry Being a Goddamn Creep” shot. 

  

The “Happy Independence Day From Mr. Made In America,  Star Spangled Henry!” Shot. 

The “Sweeping Up the Red, White & Blue Confetti That Fell Out Of His Ass, God Bless America” shot.  

The “Forgot He Was SO OVER US & Took Us To See Jurassic World” shot.  

(At first I thought, “Ew what’s wrong with my face in this picture?” And then I realized, “Oh my face. My face is what’s wrong with my face.” Lol.)

Jun 302015
 

I fell off my Henry Bomb game this time around because I spent most of the weekend pouting. (No actual reason other than I’m Erin Rachelle Kelly.)

The “Falling Asleep While Erin Watches Warped Tour Pit Vlogs On YouTube, This Is Too Exciting For a Friday Night” shot.

The “Forced Hand-Hold On The Way To The Mall, If Only Tiffany Was Performing There To Complete This Picture Of Puppy Love” shot.

The “Whoa, TWO Desserts? Livin’ Large!” shot.

The “Paying For All Of His Desserts” shot.

 

The “Making A Big Deal Out Of the New Cross-Walk Box & Reminiscing About The Days When Pedestrians Were Less Coddled & Able To Cross A Street Without A Robotic, Disembodied Voice Telling Them When” shot.

The “He’s Been Watching the Wen Segment On QVC For Too Long, Caught Feelings For Chaz Dean” shot.

Henry + Chaz.

The “Pretending To Be Too Cool To Watch Scream With His Family While Still Occasionally Looking Up From His Phone Because He Can’t Remember If There’s Any Nudity In This Classic Film” shot.

The “We Put On The Exorcist And Then Found Henry Pouting In Bed Because He’s ‘Not Interested In Watching That'” shot. Side note: One of the first things I learned about Henry is that he is terrified of any horror movie with religious themes and just absolutely refuses to watch them, especially any of the ones involving exorcisms, which clearly means that he was possessed when he was in the SERVICE and had to be exorcised by a Panamanian priest.

Jun 012015
 

Here is another weekend’s worth of Henry Bombs! I wish I had managed to get a “your tattoo cost HOW much?!” shot but I told him via text after I had already paid for it, haha. Sorry, Henry, next time I’ll just get my cell mate to do it for cheaper. 

 

The “Henry With A Mouthful of Pretzels, Yelling At Chooch For God Knows What” shot.   

The “Henry Treated Himself to a Snickerdoodle & I’m Going to Steal It” shot.  

The “10 Minutes Early Picking Up Chooch From Piano TIME FOR A QUICK NAP” selfie.    

The “Hand It Over, Henry Warbucks” shot.   

The “Nap #2 With a Bowl & His Phone” shot.   

The “Henry Oversees the Jewelry Party” guest shot by Monica  The “Henry Listens To Wendy’s Sales Pitch” shot. 

The “Just One of the Girls” shot (Wendy moved at the last minute).    

The “Blocking Henry From Getting Stoked” shot. 

  

The “Henry Returns A Thing At Lowe’s” shot. 

  

The “THERE HAS TO BE A SPECIAL MIX FOR SUCCULENTS BUT WHERE IS IT I WILL NOT ASK” shot. 

 

The “Henry Waits For Someone Else To Ask For Succulent Dirt & Then Follows Them To It” shot.    

The “Concerned That His Green Tea Froyo Tastes Carbonated” shot. (He later asked the Froyo purveyors if it was supposed to taste like that and they admitted that they have never tried the green tea but that it is supposed to be slightly tart which hello, I am no stranger to the Froyo  industry but I know the difference between purposely tart and SPOILED so hopefully we survive the impending digestive backlash and then own our own Sincerely Yogurt franchise.)

(Asian Froyo joints are better.)

  
The “Henry Is Potting My Plants Because Ew Dirt” shot. 

 

BONUS: #thingsinhenrysbeard

And that was Henry’s weekend. Actually these are all from Sunday. 

May 262015
 

Another weekend is in the books, so here is the latest collection of Henry Bombs, followed by the beginnings of a brand new Henry Torture Experiment, yay! Who doesn’t like torturing Henry!?

The “Why Am I Driving You to Work When There’s a Perfectly Good Transit System Within Walking Distance From Our House and Now I’m Going To Get All Stressed Out By the Jaywalkers Downtown” shot.

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The “Running Out Of the House For Ice Cream & Leaving Henry Behind To Turn Everything Off In the House & IT LOOKS LIKE HE MISSED A LIGHT” shot.

The “Shit, Henry Busted Us & Thinks He’s Cool By Flipping Off the Camera” shot.

The “My Ice Cream Is Better Than Henry’s” shot.

The “Checking Yelp For Somewhere ‘Weird & Wood-Paneled’ To Eat” shot, per my snippy instructions.

The “We Just Drove 90 Minutes To Eat 10 Minutes From Our House Because Henry Can’t Read My Mind” shot, alternately titled the “Another Chapter In Chooch’s Memoirs” shot.

The “Wearing White Socks and Black Shoes To the Petting Zoo” shot.

The “Feeding A Thing Without Getting Backtalk Is Weird” shot.

The “Quietly Calculating All the $$$ Spent This Weekend” shot.

The “It’s Memorial Day & I’ll Get An Order Of Wings With My Burger If I Want To” shot.

The “Driving Thru the Countryside and Daydreaming About Running Away and Hiding Out On a Farm” shot.

***

YOU GUYS! Here I am to introduce two new Henry series: #ThingsInHenrysBeard and #WhileHenrySleeps

I didn’t want him to feel left out after Chooch and I had our fun with face sprinkles, so I waited for him to go to bed Saturday night before gently dropping pinches of sprinkles onto his wiry beard. This picture actually features my second attempt, because after I initially got his beard suitably sprinkled, he subconsciously swatted at his face, brushing most of them out of his beard and onto his chest. I was trying so hard not to laugh that I had to keep leaving the bedroom and thank god I was so close to the bedroom because I came super close to pissing my pants.

I finally completed my mission, snapped a photo, and then went to sleep. The next morning, he woke up to go to the bathroom. Sadly, all of the sprinkles had fallen off in his sleep, but when he came back into bed, he pulled up the comforter and a shower of sprinkles flew into the air. He somehow didn’t notice this and proceeded to lay down on a bed of candy decor. Then he rolled over and his bare back was speckled with them, so I started cracking up.

“What?” he mumbled. And I just laughed harder and harder until I was choking. Finally, I showed him the picture and you guys, he actually TRIED NOT TO SMILE. You just never which way things are going to go with him!

He fell asleep on the couch yesterday because I guess he just had too much Memorial Day fun. I used this as an opportunity to paint his nails. He was less forgiving about this, though.

kbye.

May 172015
 

The “STOP ASKING ME WHO MY FAVORITE DANCE GAVIN DANCE SINGER IS” shot.

The “Making Henry Walk To the Ice Cream Shop With Us Because I Don’t Feel Like Dealing With Paying” shot.

The “NO I DON’T WANT ANY ICE CREAM!!!!” shot.

Bonus: The “Henry Leads Us Safely Across the Street” un-bomb shot.

The “THANKS FOR PAYING FOR OUR ICE CREAM, HENRY” shot.

The “I Caught Henry Watching Kurt Travis YouTube Videos!” shot.

The “Henry’s Son Showed Up Unexpectedly!” bonus Blake bomb!

The “There’s Nowhere to Sit in the Living Room, Beard Stroking” shot.

The “OMG IS HENRY DEAD!?!??!?!” shot.

  
The “We Never Had to Wait to Cross the Street in THE SERVICE” shot. 

 

The “I Was On the Wrong Side of the Booth So Chooch Assisted In Capturing Henry At the Salad Bar” shot.   

The “Henry’s Got a Gun” shot. 

May 102015
 

This is my new favorite thing & I get so gleeful over it. He busts me 75% of the time now though, even when I think I’m being slick. “Did you get your damn picture?” he’ll mutter.  

The “Henry Has to Rest His Glasses On Top of His Head In Order to Look at His Phone” shot.

BONUS VIDEO: The “Ignoring the Pretend Concert I Have Going On In Front of Him” live action shot.

The “Henry Photo-Bombed Our Spoon Selfie” shot.

The “Henry’s Making Me Iced Coffee Because I’m ‘Too Weak'” shot.

The “Henry’s Playing Some Stupid Video Game in a Spoon” shot.


The “Driving Miss Erin to DelGrosso’s Amusement Park” shot.

The “Yeah bitch, buy us that ice cream” shot.

The “Being a Good Boy & Calling His Mama on Mother’s Day” shot.

The “Too Lame to Ride the Wacky Worm” shot.

The “We’re on the Crazy Mouse But Where’s Henry?” shot.


The “Welp, Chooch is Riding the Pirate Ship So I Guess I’ll Have to Eat His Ice Cream Cone” shot.

The “Holding Our Shit While We’re on the Wacky Worm Again” shot.

The “Washing Windows with Vinegar Which Is ‘Just As Good As Windex But Safer'” shot.

 

Apr 262015
 

   

The “Henry’s Sleeping; What a Shocker” shot. 

  

The “Tried To Snap Henry Turning Off the Light Before Leaving the House, But He Moved Too Fast” failed shot. 

The “Henry Driving Professionally to Target” shot. 

 The “Henry Is Picking Out New Underroos” shot.

 The “Henry Can’t Find the Bread Aisle” shot. 

 The “Henry Can’t Believe a Store This Big Has Such a Small Bread Selection” shot. 

 The “‘WHERE ARE THE FUCKING BUNS?!’ Henry Cried” shot. 

 The “Henry Can Use the Self-Check Out Because He’s Not Buying Robitussin” shot. 

The “Henry Just Yelled at Me and Then Looked Around to See If Anyone Heard” shot. 

  
The “Henry’s In the Kitchen Where He Belongs” shot. 

  
The “Henry Thru Church Grass; Don’t Ask” shot. 

  
The “Henry Got Sucked Into Watching a YouTube Video of a Teenage Girl Playing Show n Tell with Everything She Bought at the Grocery Store & Now She’s Showing Him Coachella-Inspired Makeup” shot. 

  

Apr 192015
 

I haven’t done a Frown of the Day in forever, so I thought I’d start a new series.    

The “There’s Some Jackass Behind Me On the Trolley” selfie. 

  

The “He’s Still There” selfie. 

  

The “Henry’s Not Back There Because We Beat Him Home But We Don’t Have a House Key So Now We’re Waiting For Him In the Wind” selfie. 

  

The “Henry’s Getting Gas So We Can Get Ice Cream” selfie. 

  

The “Goldilocks Is Having Ice Cream Ordering Remorse, Much To Henry’s Delight” selfie. (srsly, that did NOT taste like red velvet soft serve & the lady at Sugar & Spice swore that it was too melty to put my beloved crunchies on it, WHICH WAS THE WHOLE REASON I CHOSE SOFT SERVE OVER HARD ICE CREAM IN THE FIRST PLACE!)

 

The “Henry Sounds Like He’s Having Oral Sex Every Time He Eats Oranges & He Knows It Annoys Me So Now He Exaggerates It” selfie.

GUYS I HAVE TO GO. Mr. Mister’s “Broken Wings” just came on my bedroom radio and I have to go slow dance with myself. 

(That is not an euphemism.)

EDIT: And then Whitesnake’s “Is This Love” right after?! Wow, what a fucking treat from the local variety radio station.