- Even though he is a Faygo slinger, he only drinks unsweetened ice tea. (And lately, he has gotten into cold brew but then he dumps half of a thing of creamer in it, so….)
- OMG he just took a big swig of tea and said, “Sheetz got their sweet tea back!” I guess it was gone during quarantine but now that our county went back down to green, it’s back. Good to know?
- He went through a country phase before he knew me, gross.
- He loves kitchen-y stuff so much that he once made me host a Pampered Chef party and it was one of the worst evenings of my life.
- He always looks angry in pictures but he is actually a pretty laid-back guy.
- Shit, I was going to say what his favorite color is but I can’t remember now. Chooch and I always joke that it’s “poop” or “puke” colors and one day he snapped and screamed at us what his actual favorite color is but all I remember is that it’s one of the ROY G. BIVs. I’ll ask him later, I guess. (He just said, “I don’t have one. I don’t know. Black. Or red or blue. Uh, probably red.” See, I thought it was orange, glad I waited.)
- He used to be a paper boy when he was a kid.
- He bought a pair of cowboy boots when he was in THE SERVICE and only wore them once because they hurt his feet.
- He was in THE SERVICE.
- He loves to white knight.
- He hasn’t read a book since the early 2000s when I got him into Harlan Coben; now all he reads is Reddit, Korean subtitles, and the weekly circulars. And I guess recipes count.
- He will listen to audio books though, but he says it’s just because it’s a way to spend time with me, AWWWWW.
- He’s part Syrian (not Siberian, like Chooch thought, or Serbian like I just almost typed.)
- His ult Kpop biases are Cha Eun Woo of Astro and Bae Suzy, formerly of Miss A (she’s an actor now).
14. He can fall asleep anywhere, such as Warped Tour or leaning against the wall of Mr. Small’s during a post-hardcore show.
15. He LOVES soft pretzels. OMG 10 minutes after I typed this, he came through the door looking like this:
16. Even though he refuses to eat tofu, he is really great at cooking with it.
17. He used to be an electrician’s apprentice so he knows how to do light-things, which is handy.
18. All of his clothes are black, gray, ugly. Usually they have beverage logos on them too.
19. He insists on trying to fix everything himself even though the last time I checked, he’s not a plumber or car mechanic and doesn’t hang drywall for a living, but OK, fix on, Mr. Fix-It.
20. As an avid meat-eater, he actually really enjoys vegan food. He just doesn’t like the stereotypical vegan clientele.
21. He’s never been in jail.
22. He LOVES “The Princess Bride” and “The Princess Diaries.” I am not joking about the second one.
23. He hates when we make up new names for the cats and refuses to call them by their new names.
24. His entire family calls him Joey (his middle name is Joseph).
25. He hates Trump.
26. He refuses to exercise with me because, and I quote, I WALK AROUND A WAREHOUSE ALL DAY LONG, THAT IS ENOUGH EXERCISE.
27. He is great at giving directions, but when it comes to using maps himself, he will undoubtedly fuck it up at least once.
28. He can name any plane model that flies above us.
29. He was a big Days of Our Lives fanboy back in the day and he hard-stanned John Black.
30. He is our private chauffeur and by that I mean when we find an amusement park halfway across the country, he will drive us there (but not without complaint, which is annoying).
31. When Uber and Lyft were still semi-new, he had a brief stint as a Lyft driver but the picture the Lyft manager guy took of him for his profile was so menacing-looking, that women were canceling left and right.
32. He’ll go along with just about anything I want to do even though he acts super put-out about it.
33. His favorite thing to do is sleep.
34. His favorite subject in school was “I don’t know.”
35. He used to play volleyball lol.
36. His favorite cartoon as a kid was Looney Tunes.
37. As he’s outside planting shrubbery and other plants, which is how I learned he also is an expert at landscaping.
38. His favorite thing to do at an amusement park is sit on a bench while we ride a roller coaster.
39. His favorite TV shows are NCIS and Blacklist.
40. He went through a phase where he had long hair and wore bandannas and people assumed it was because he was balding BUT NO, HE JUST LOVED DRESSING UP HIS HEAD.
41. He is a huge procrastinator which makes me have to be a nag.
42. He loves to
hide sit on the chair on the back porch and watch HBO.
43. He loves when shit happens outside of our house and he gets to call 911 like a hero.
44. He talks to the cats, but uses his regular voice and refuses to acknowledge that they’re people.
45. He used to smoke trees?!!?
46. His favorite K-drama is a tie between Are You Human Too? and When the Camelia Blooms.
47. He got kicked out of a strip club in Texas when he was in the SERVICE for throwing fifty cents at a stripper.
48. If cole slaw is on the menu, consider it in his mouth.
49. His favorite Korean food is donkkaseu.
50. He used to drive a school bus for three weeks when he was 24 or 25 and quit because he allegedly got another job but it was more likely because the kids were bullying him.
51. I asked him the name of his first girlfriend and he literally couldn’t answer me, he looked like he was thinking himself to death, so I think the answer is that his ex-wife was also his first girlfriend.
52. When I used LiveJournal, the name I used for him was Hoover because he sucks the fun out of everything and before that it was Emily Pringle, because one time he thought I called him Emily and he looks like the guy on the Pringles can.
53. He used to be obsessed with a DIY show called She’s Crafty.
54. He goes to “the store” every single fucking day because it’s his refuge, his sanctuary, his “safe place.” And also because he ALWAYS FORGETS TO GET AT LEAST ONE THING THAT WE PUT ON THE SHOPPING LIST! But honestly, I always picture him in a total zone, pushing the cart down the aisle to the popular soft rock tunes wafting down from the rafters, with a faraway look in his eyes thinking of the life he could have had.
55. When he was in 10th or 11th grade, he got in trouble for punching a hole in the ceiling. I hoped that it was because he was the losing part of a love triangle or was ‘roid-raging after one of those volleyball games, but no. It was just because part of the ceiling was already falling down and he reached up and punched more of it down and got caught by the janitor. Wow. Cool story, Hank-bro. (OH WAIT SHIT, HE JUST TOLD ME, “Oh, and I did get paddled for that too, just so you know. And I had to pay for it.” His grandma was more mad that he got paddled than the fact that he DESTROYED SCHOOL PROPERTY AND HAD TO PAY FOR IT. Wow, how have I never known this story!?!? He said he doesn’t think his mom knows about it!)
On that note, Happy birthday to our favorite frowner! Thanks for being the best non-husband/housewife/caregiver/project-doer/obsession-enabler. I’ll try to be less demanding today! Go drink some unsweetened ice tea under a tree and dream about your SERVICE days! Just come home in time to make dinner.