Jun 052018
 

I’m going to make this short and sweet because I have a headache and I think I was poisoned.

—-THE PHONE CALL—-

Henry received a phone call from a friend on Saturday and for some reason, Chooch and I found this to be HI-larious.

“For some reason,” lol.

Immediately, Chooch and I activated our PEST SWITCH and clung to Henry with our ears pressed against his phone. He kept shrugging us off and eventually was able to get up from the couch (hello it was his fault for starting a phone conversation in the same room as us to begin with) and slowly moved onto the back porch.

I say “slowly” because we were hanging off of him. Finally, he turned around and snapped at us, getting busted by his friend on the other end who thought Henry was yelling at him. The last thing we heard before the porch door slammed in our faces was, “No not you. I’m talking to these two nebby* kids.”

*(Nebby means nosy if you live in Pittsburgh. YAY FOR LEARNING.)

“I bet he’s talking to the manager of Blush,” Chooch said, because we love to speculate that Henry is a regular at this stripclub downtown.

Then I had the brilliant idea to go outside and try to hear the conversation from below the open porch windows, but our fucking mechanic neighbor was drilling in his garage and some broad in a house behind us was screaming at her dogs. RUDE.

We tried to go back inside and act like we were just hanging out in the kitchen near the porch door for no reason, what, I’m just over here super naturally sweeping the kitchen floor like I always do why is this strange, but Henry caught us and started flashing us “I WILL KILL YOU” and “YOU FUCKERS CAN STARVE TONIGHT” glares with his eyes and then flipped us off too, wow, such class.

Chooch puked from laughing so hard.

BUT THEN I HAD THE BEST IDEA EVER.

“Chooch, go ask Blake if we can come in and try to hear through his side of the porch!” I hoarsely whispered. I hung back inside our front door because Blake is kind of an adult now and I wasn’t sure if he would be like, “Grow up, guys” but then dumb Chooch kept tossing glances at me from Blake’s front porch while he was asking, and then Blake poked his head out and looked over and saw me half-hiding, so he was just like, “Oh for god’s sake, come on in.”

Eavesdropping from Blake’s side of the house! We couldn’t really hear anything but baritone muffles. :(

By this point, we had lost interest and then Henry was off the phone and we were like, “What, you were on the phone?”

I don’t know, but something about this gave me Sunday Lock Out Vibes and I couldn’t stop laughing about it when I tried to tell people at work on Monday and they were just like, “Why are you like this.”

—-THE WHITE PIZZA INQUIRY—-

On Sunday, the three of us went to Anthony’s Coal-Fire Pizza to surprise my dad with a birthday lunch. Since we arrived first, we were perusing the menu trying to find a happy-medium for a large pizza the three of us could share. AW, A FAMILY PIZZA.

“Do you like white pizza?” I asked Chooch, a gentle inquiry if you ask me, yet this innocent question made him unhinged, you guys. He just snapped the fuck out on me.

“SERIOUSLY?! NO! NO, I DO NOT LIKE WHITE PIZZA! OH MY GOD, HOW MANY TIMES ARE YOU GOING TO ASK ME THAT?!” he screeched, and I was honestly stunned for a second, but don’t worry, Bitch Mommy came sprinting out on the heels of my initial stunned reaction.

So then the two of us were full-fledged quarreling in the middle of a restaurant and Henry was mouthing pleas at us. I DON’T READ LIPS, BITCH. Somehow though, the subject changed to Henry’s alleged conversation with the manager of Blush the previous day so then we remembered that we were wasting our energy fighting each other when we should have been using it to make fun of Henry. I think Henry was just happy that we weren’t starting kinetic ire-fires anymore because he actually told us that he was kicked out of a strip club in Florida too, not just Texas!

“That one wasn’t my fault though. It was the guys I was with,” he said, while ALMOST-KIND-OF SMILING.

WHOA.

Then my dad and Ryan arrived and luckily Chooch was able to restrain his shitty preteen attitude and we had a very lovely birthday lunch with my dad who I don’t see often enough and that’s totally my fault. Meanwhile, the waitress who brought over our pizza exclaimed out of nowhere how adorable Chooch is (??) and he sat there with this smug “I know” look on his face and Henry was like, “He’s only cute when he’s quiet” and THAT IS THE TRUTH. Then our waiter was all, “WHAT ARE YOU PLAYING?” because Chooch had his DS with him after a year of not caring about it (kids, amirite) and then they bonded over Pokemon and all I could think was, “BUT WHAT ABOUT ME?! I’M HERE TOO!”

But I got to tell my dad and Ryan about our trip to Korea so that made up for it not getting any attention from the waitstaff.

Anyway the whole point of this is that I was obsessing over the whole white pizza fiasco thing because if there is one thing you should know about me, it’s that I will latch on to the dumbest thing you tell me, whether it’s something you hate (don’t tell me you hate clowns, let’s put it that way) or some embarrassing moment you had that I witnessed — I will hold these things close to my chest and you’ll never know when I’ll throw it back in your face in the form of a greeting card or a homemade t-shirt.

Or a painting, like this one that I made for Barb which features her least favorite actor, Bill Paxton.

Naturally, I started trolling Chooch as soon as we got home. The first thing I did was run into his room and leave him a white pizza message on his whiteboard. (And please, don’t call CPS on me for the other message. I don’t even own a belt.)

And then it happened, my giddy obsession grew strong enough to push me out of painting retirement long enough to make him this wooden plaque, which he is less than pleased about but I think he secretly is craving white pizza now.

I think his next birthday cake should be a white pizza.

Anyway, I haven’t felt this inspired since HAM SANDWICH AF, when I made a commemorative painting:

OK, now I have to go lay down. I’ve had a headache all day and then it turns out Henry does too and we’ve since determined that it’s possibly from when I sprayed Chooch’s white pizza plaque with varnish in a non-ventilated area. It was nice knowing you, Internet friends.

Feb 252016
 

  
Pee Wee’s Big Adventure is one of my favorite movies of all time, and one of probably only three that I ever quote from. (The amount of times I’ve referenced the Alamo on this blog alone is really pathetic.) I had so much fun painting this and kind of don’t want to part with it. 

One of my most vivid childhood memories is sitting in the family room of my house in South Park, watching this on HBO with my bff Christy who lived down the street, and asking her what “scenery” meant because Mickey tells Pee Wee to just enjoy the scenery. She explained it perfectly well but my kindergarten brain couldn’t comprehend it. It seemed like such a complicated concept.

Scenery. 

I was a dumb kid. 

Anyway, I just really love painting birds on wires, so this just felt very natural to me. Methodical and cathartic, especially while the Penguins were getting slaughtered last night by the Bruins. :(

I have some more custom paintings on tap (I keep saying I’m going to take a break and then a request comes in and I can’t say no!) but then I’m going to start one called The Pittsburgh Zoo, a painting of various famous Pittsburghers with animal bodies (like the Buscemi and John Water ones).  

Probably Mr. Rogers, Mario Lemieux, Sophie Maslof, Andy Warhol, and God only knows who else. 

NO STEELERS THOUGH.

In other news, I’m drinking blueberry cobbler coffee and it feels like warm arms enveloping my broken soul. 

This has been a quick update posted from my phone. 

Feb 232016
 

Hey boy, here’s a quick update on the fake art that I sling over at Somnambulant.

My friend Bridget requested a portrait of her and her boyfriend, and she specifically asked for glitter and I was more than happy to comply. I would use glitter on EVERYTHING if I could. I still want to glitter our ceilings but that might be the straw that finally breaks Henry’s back of steel.

And here’s the painting I did for the Warhol customer, and I realized that I never got a picture of the final, touched-up painting. This was one of the progress shots I sent her, so it looks slopp(ier than my paintings usually do):

Her boyfriend is from England, so she wanted me to paint them as tea bags (specifically the pyramid-shaped ones). Years and years ago, she had me do a sushi couples painting — I like when people throw out-of-the-box ideas at me! (I mean, once I’m done having my I CAN’T DO ITTTTTT pity party.)

I can’t remember if I posted this here yet, but after David Bowie died, my friend Kendahl requested a Goblin King portrait. I was so excited about it that I considered calling off work to start it immediately. (DON’T WORRY, I DIDN’T. I’m still The Best Employee Ever.)


And then my friend Lizz had a baby so I made her this name plaque for him:

All the eyeballs came out of an old copy of Alternative Press. There’s some Vic Fuentes up in there and…I think Jack Barakat and Alex Gaskarth. Possibly some of the guys from Real Friends.
And my current favorite!   So last week, I was getting ready for bed when the image of Steve Buscemi as an octopus popped into my head. I figured, who cares if it’s too niche or obscure to sell, I HAVE TO PAINT IT. I started it that night, when I should have been sleeping, and had it done by the next day. If only I could churn out my customs that quickly. Ugh.

Anyway, he’s available over on Etsy if you or anyone you know are really into that kind of thing.

And lastly, I’d like to say goodbye to Norm! He’s on his way to his new home in DC where I’m sure he will be happy. (His story can be read here if you’re interested in being lulled to sleep.)

Thank god for Valentine’s Day keeping me busy! Custom paintings and serial killer Valentines—thanks for keeping me in business, sickos! I mean that lovingly.

***

I have several paintings that I started but then I started thinking of our annual Easter bunny pictures so now everything else in my life is at a standstill, on the back-burner, in limbo, because now this is all I can think of and why am I at work right now when I should be running around getting costumes put together, ugh.

I think Henry is really going to hate this one.

Jan 032016
 

I’m in zombie mode—winter depression has officially sunk in. So before I go back to moping on the couch while crying to Balance & Composure, here are some custom paintings I churned out for Christmas. Grateful to be so busy!     

    
    
 
  

I’m taking a hiatus from custom paintings just for a bit so I can work on finishing some things to add to my Somnambulant shop. I’m going to try to actually sell a thing or two from it this year! Woo, 2016. 

Seriously, me all weekend, step off:  

#hateful

Nov 092015
 

Over the weekend, I found this dumb picture of a boy at Goodwill and I decided to buy it and turn it into Chooch’s official 4th grade portrait, because even though I am always singing the I’M SO BUSY song, I somehow also have too much time on my hands. How is this possible, I don’t know.

So I started painting Chooch’s big head over top of the basic boy in the picture, and he was not pleased. He was also kind of in a bad mood that day but one thing about Chooch is that he strongly dislikes being teased. Originally, the only thing I added to the background was a picture of a cat, but then Chooch sat down and started blabbing to us about god knows what and Henry was like, “Jesus Christ, do you ever shut up?” so I felt inclined to add a wallpaper of blah blah blahs.

Now he was REALLY irritated with his portrait.

This was the best picture I could get. Something about it makes camera lenses revolt.
  

Then I made it his profile picture on Facebook and he was all, “I’m going to kill you!” but we all know he secretly love it. Especially when his frenemy Barb commented on it! He groaned, “Ugh, what does BARB want….”

Here’s his actual fourth grade school picture. You should see the actual class photo — he’s like a Crayola factory explosion compared to the other kids.

In other news, Wendy is visiting the office with the baby and everyone rushed over to her but I was just like, “What? I’ve already seen that baby like four times because I’m an awesome friend.” So there.

Oh well. That’s all I’ve got for right now because tonight is the Emarosa show and I am honest-to-god trembling at my desk here because I’m so excited! My stomach hurts!

Feb 062015
 

Hello! Today is the day we pretend it’s show and tell in Kindergarten and I show you recent paintings I made and then possibly tell you about them too. (HEADS UP, COURTNEY, WINNER OF THE GIVEAWAY! Click away from this page if you still want your Robert Smith painting to be a surprise, because his picture is in this post!)

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So here we have a custom goth portrait for an Etsy customer. I like painting cemeteries, so I was down with this one. I just asked Glenn if he wants me to paint one for him and his wife and he said, “Nope” without hesitation.

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I painted this Dave Grohl (of Foo Fighters/Nirvana fame; I have learned this week that he is not as widely known as I thought) for my Twitter friend Lizz while catching up on episodes of Hindsight. The “footos” in his hand is a tip of the hat to the Mentos parody they did for the Big Me video. I’m not a big Foo fan (however, Everlong4L) but this one was really fun to paint and I was so happy with it that I decided to have a few prints available on Etsy, and if you know me, you know that I don’t really do the whole print thing very often!

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The aforementioned winner of my giveaway a weeks ago requested ROBERT SMITH for her painting and I was like, “Be still my heart!” because hello, he’s my #1. But then I panicked because I was so worried I would eff up his beautiful face. Robert Smith you guys. Sigh. I scanned this one too, because I wanted a copy to keep, haha! Also, I owe my pal Elaine one as an art trade!

Friends that know me on Facebook and Instagram, please accept my apologies because you’re probably gagging at the sight of this by now, but here is my Valentine’s gift to Henry:

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LOLOLOL.

Anyway, the whole purpose here is that I’m always thinking of the next concert/music fest and he’s always thinking of whenever the fuck he’s going to finally be able to get some sleep. I like it because there’s room left to add future fests that we WILL (not MIGHT) attend.

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I couldn’t wait any longer (like, a whole whopping 7 days, I know) to give it to him so I made him take it last night even though he had been previously dodging my present-giving advances because he wanted it to be a surprise on Valentine’s Day. But I had a really shitty day yesterday and he let me vent on him, so I decided it was a good time to present it.

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HE’S ALMOST SMILING!

I know the popular opinion is that I’m like this huge shrew when it comes to my relationship with Henry—you know, because people shadow us 24/7 and clearly know that I’m not an “attentive housewife” — the only part of that which is true is the house wife part, because bitch please. But I do have my moments.

And because I feel bad for some of my older paintings, and because I have had donuts on the brain which is weird because I’m generally not a donut person but lately? BURY ME IN A COFFIN OF CRULLERS. So today I will put some of the spotlight back on some paintings I made when I was going through a weird donut phase last year around this time too (seasonal donut disorder?).

First, may I present to you good ol’ Anthropodonut, which is still up for grabs!:

Anthropodonut 8x8 donut painting

And second, my favorite, Eat Shit:

Eat Sh*t painting

My friend Alyson Hell speaks French and tells me that this is how you’d say “eat shit” while wearing a beret and eating a quiche.

I think I will take a break from faces and paint some more donuts this weekend. <3

Nov 112014
 

This is what I like to call: no time to write a real post so let’s look at my fake art!

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First up, for your eyeballs, we have a piece called Crimson & Craniums. This is made with spraypaint, which makes Henry nervous because technically I’m not allowed to use spraypaint because I can’t be trusted to use it responsibly. This one is no longer available because Wendy saw it on Instagram and claimed it. Have I mentioned how glad I am that Wendy uses Instagram now?)

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Hey guys, hey: I call this one “kooskõla: a Ghost painting.” Like, why do ghosts all gotta be white? It’s available for purchase! Makes a great Xmas gift for people who like: gifts, things, and sniffing paintings.

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THIS ONE MAKES ME SAD. Perhaps you’ve been reading my blog for a few years and remember the time when one of my co-workers had an orange ball that he liked to obnoxiously bounce and toss back and forth with another co-worker? So then I kidnapped the ball and held it hostage? Anyway, the owner of that damn orange ball has left the Law Firm and everyone is sad because he was such an awesome guy!

So some of the managers were like “Erin you should make Chris a goodbye painting. Because now that we know about your fake art, we are going to exploit this” Because I am happy that people like my fake art enough to commission things, I said yes even though I am drowning in a pool of obligations. Because Chris is worth it!

He is really into poker, so that’s the theme I was asked to run with. I decided to paint him as a playing card. The No Conflicts thing is something that’s specific to our department. Chris actually moved to Memphis over a year ago but had been working remotely, so I sadly won’t get to see his reaction when he gets the painting in the mail. I hope he likes it!

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To cap off this round-up of paint-stuffs, here is a Phish painting that Wendy (my #1 customer, apparently) commissioned for a Xmas present for her stepdaughter. I’m not a Phish fan, but it was fun because I got to use all of the colors. And I like painting faces.

But not face-painting.

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OK, that’s all. I’m unfortunately too booked up for any more Xmas custom orders, but if you wanna request an “anytime” painting, hit me up and I will add it to my to-do list!

And now I’ll resume sobbing over the Penguins game.

Oct 212014
 

HELLO JUST CHECKING IN! Here is some stuff that I have made this past month. I have admittedly not had as much time as I’d have liked, and my list of custom paintings have been growing, so thank you guys for liking my stuff! It will never be something I take for granted, I promise. <3 Ok, let's do this. 20141021-082450.jpg

Custom portrait of my friend AJ’s dog, Diego. My cat Marcy was NOT happy about this one and I had fun flaunting it in her face.

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More skulls for prizes at work. These dudes are so much fun for me to make because it’s quick and I can paint them on the couch while catching up on my really important shows like Gracepoint (actually not feeling this show as much as I had hoped to though) and Red Band Society. I didn’t watch this last season of Teen Wolf fast enough and MTV took them off On Demand already, ugh. My life is so rough.

I’m going to be making a bunch more of these for the shop and they will be super cheap so you should buy one!

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Cupcake Cavalcade! I made this for my dear friend Kendahl’s birthday. CUPCAKES!
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I just made this variation of Somnambulant Skulls last night because I had a strong desire to work with crayons. The background is painted. This one is available on Etsy right now!

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A custom Guardians of the Galaxy-inspired mix tape painting for my friend Casandra. <3 I think Henry and I are going to start making larger pendants of my Twin Peaks, Lizzie Borden and Golden Girls paintings to sell at Horror Realm next March. Every time we try our hands at pendants, we end up failing miserably or losing interest, so who knows if this will happen. I'LL KEEP YOU POSTED.

Sep 292014
 

Cyber friends, let’s take a break from the Riot Fest posts and look at the recent art I made. (Just pretend like I’m your favorite preschooler for a minute.)

(Also, it’s Monday and my week has gotten off to a difficult, albeit comical.)

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My pal Lisa needed a wedding gift for her friends so she asked me to make a Cupcake Couple painting for them. I haven’t made one of these in a really long time, so that was fun!

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I painted a portrait of my friend Angie and her cat, Bandit, a few weeks ago. <3

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Lizzie Borden! This is a terrible picture, I just realized. I clearly need to change this photo on Etsy. And get my eyes examined ASAP.

20140929-101842.jpgWhen I was home sick last week, I was really restless so I started this serial killer parade, half-slumped over on the couch. I finished it yesterday. (l-r: Dahmer, Fish, Ramirez, BTK, Gacy.)

There’s also a new addition to the non compos cards catalog:

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I have a bunch of customs lined up, including a portrait of Phish and one like the serial killer parade, but with wrestlers. I’m totally grateful that you guys have been keeping me busy. Thank you! And Henry thanks you too, because the only time I’m quiet is while I’m painting. If you want anything (CHRISTMAS IS COMING!!), let me know!

Also? I jokingly suggested that someone should request a nude portrait of Steve Buscemi, with a cactus-penis that has eyeball impaled on the thorns. And the more I pictured that, the more I wanted to paint it for real. So…I’ll be working on that too, in between the custom orders!

Sep 092014
 

Dear Blog,

Today I did some volunteer work with some other co-workers and while I would love to write about that right now, I’m laying on the couch instead, half-dead, because manual labor does not agree with me.

So instead, I will share some of my latest paintings with you.
My friend Elizabeth asked me to paint her something for her bathroom. At first, I was going to do some pink flamingos because she said she was going to hang a Polyester poster signed by John Waters in the bathroom, but then at the last minute I got a different idea and went with that, hoping she wouldn’t hate it.

She said it was terrifying and still wanted to! Thank god! And then Kara wanted one for her friend, so I got to paint John Waters’s mug all over again and it made me laugh evilly because I used to be “friends” with this super annoying boy who worshipped John Waters and man, do I hate that boy now but I bet he would LOVE this painting, hahahaha.

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And then last week Katrina suggested that I paint the Golden Girls and I jumped on that one because I adore the G.Girls so much and staring at their faces all last weekend brought back fond memories of sleeping over my grandparents’ house on Saturday nights and watching the Golden Girls, Empty Nest, and Hunter. I literally cry for the 80s sometimes, you guys. It was so much better then.

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I also did a portrait of my friend Angie, but she wants to be surprised, so I won’t post that one yet!

Don’t forget to check out my Somnambulant Art shop for other weird crap!

Sep 042014
 

Over the weekend, I decided that I wanted to do a Twin Peaks-inspired series of portraits because I love that damn show so much. So I put Season 1 on Netflix and started with the Log Lady, because why not.

By Tuesday night, Agent Dale Cooper, Dead Laura Palmer and Dr. Jacoby had joined her…and then quickly left her. They were all sold yesterday!

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(The Log Lady is still available, if anyone is interested!)

Last night, while Henry yelled at Pretty Little Liars (that show gets him so riled up!), I started on The Man From Another Place. It still needs a lot of touching up, which I’ll get to tonight, but here he is anyway:

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There’s several more I want to add, but what kind of series would you want to see next? TELL ME. I’ve been thinking about vending at a local horror convention next winter and I need to build up my inventory, and quick! I’ll be selling my serial killer cards there, but I’d like to have some of my art on hand, as well.

(Hopefully I can also build up my social skills.)

Aug 292014
 

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I had this large piece of canvas just hanging around and I needed something to occupy myself so I started painting random people that I am/have been obsessed with at some point in my life. Just, off the top of my head, I picked celebs and it was oddly comforting. If I don’t have something to do, I’ll sit around and think about things and no one needs me thinking about things, believe me. Pittsburgh will inherent a pollution problem.

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It took about a week, but I finished it last night! Henry is super stoked to have to see it every day for the rest of his life, but he’s going to be even more stoked when he has to go out and find the perfect gaudy frame for it.

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Shortly after Chooch was born, Henry and I stumbled across Season 2 of So You Think You Can Dance and it was one of those things where we were fucking exhausted, Chooch was nursing so much that I was basically a couch-prisoner, and all we wanted was mindless entertainment. So we left it on. And then became obsessed. I never knew watching people dance could make me cry so much! So I picked Nigel Lythgoe, one of the original judges, to be the first person on the painting.

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If you’ve been my friend since at least 2008, you know my love for gymnastics guru Bela Karolyi runs deep.

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One of the best things about the advent of digital cable was The Game Show Network. All of those new channels to flip through and my friends and I never changed it from GSN. Especially if Match Game was on! I looooved Match Game and all of it’s amazing 1970s fashion and complete disregard for political correctness. My favorite panelist was Brett Somers and to this day, I covet those bug-eyed frames she wore with such panache. Fuck, she was fantastic.

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My mom took me to see Hot to Trot starring Bobcat Goldthwait in the 1980s and ever since, I think of him every time I lose my shit with giddiness because my punch-drunk laugh sounds remarkably just like his retarded bray-like way of speaking.

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Tammy Fay Bakker because she was such a train wreck. I was so obsessed with her for awhile that Henry made me a LiveJournal icon with her popping up from behind a hill. I don’t know, it’s just what I wanted, OK?

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I was obsessed with “Romancing the Stone” when I was a kid, because why not. What a great kids movie, right? I watched this movie a lot because I thought Michael Douglas was so goddamn hot. Billy Ocean’s “When the Going Gets Tough” will never fail to make me think of this movie and how much I miss the 80s. AND THEN MICHAEL DOUGLAS, DANNY DEVITO AND KATHLEEN TURNER WERE IN THE VIDEO!

After I picked Billy to be one of the people on my painting, I decided to listen to him on Spotify for some inspiration, and was instantly reminded of the time in middle school when my friend Christy and I were at the mall and I decided to buy his greatest hits from the record store Waves on the third floor. But for some reason, I was embarrassed about this, I guess that was before I quit caring what people thought about my musical choices. So as I was paying, I loudly and theatrically shouted to Christy, who was only standing a foot away from me, “I SURE HOPE OUR FRIEND SUSIE LIKES THIS CD.”

I still have that CD too, and I regret nothing.

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I’m sorry, Beyonce fans, but Barbara Streisand is the greatest female singer in the world. Sit the fuck down, Kanye. I have loved her ever since I was a kid, ESPECIALLY HER GUILTY ALBUM WITH THE BEE GEES OMG. But yeah, Barbara Streisand is the fucking shit and I will white knight her until I die.

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Jeffrey Dahmer was my first foray into the dark underbelly of humanity. I remember watching the news coverage in real time and just thinking, “Holy shit, this is real life?” I’ve been super intrigued by serial killers ever since—obviously not in an adoration sense, but you know what I mean. I thought it would be apropos to include at least one serial killer on this painting since Henry and I spend so much time making our serial killer greeting cards and Jeffrey was actually the one that spawned those. The Christmas card with his mug on it was the first one I ever made.

So, there’s a quick little summary of what I was thinking when I painted this. I’m pretty excited that it’s done and I have eight random slices of my own personal pop culture preserved forever!

Aug 272014
 

Today I’m going to tell you about some things I’m currently obsessed with, because don’t you all give so many shits about what I like? Obviously.

1. This version of PVRIS’s “St. Patrick” makes me feel like I’m being emotionally cuddled. (There’s no screaming in it, if that usually deters you from clicking “play” when I post YouTube videos, haha.

2. Cantaloupe! I know, such a small thing to obsess over, but usually cantaloupe is that one fruit I pick out of fruit salads because it’s always so over-ripe (under-ripe?) and tasteless. But Henry has won the cantaloupe (and watermelon!) lottery this summer and has been bringing home some of the sweetest, juiciest melons this side of 1990s porn.

3. Emarosa. Big surprise. But I can’t remember the last time I felt this much anticipation brewing inside my gut for a new album. I thought this band was never coming back, and now here they are, with a singer who is a million times better than Jonny Craig, and every single song and snippet I’ve heard thus far has felt like dynamite in my heart. I get to see them again in 2 weeks at Riot Fest and I’m so excited that I could just fucking SCREAM. They just released another single yesterday, and this is the one I’ve been craving ever since they played an acoustic version of it last May when I saw them on the Devils Dance tour. It is amazing. It is brilliant. It is so Emarosa and I must have listened to it 87 times last night after we came home from an ice cream date with Chris and Monica (or, Chronica). Here is Henry’s face during the Emarosa marathon:

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Here’s the album version of “People Like Me…” even though I posted the live version last week. YOU SHOULD STILL LISTEN TO THIS ONE BECAUSE IT’S BOMB AND WHEN BRADLEY INTERRUPTS HIMSELF AND SAYS, “NAH, FUCK IT” I GET SO STOKED.

I fucking love you, Bradley Scott Walden. I’m ready for this fresh start, in so many fucking ways. #Goodbye2008

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 4. Halloween Desk Planning! I came up with this year’s theme a few weeks ago and have already started collecting some key elements. I’m pretty excited for it, but also worried that it will be a huge failure because taking last year off kind of makes me feel like I’m off my game. Barb even said that I’ll never be able to out-do my Murder Desk from 2011 and believe me, don’t I know it. This year’s theme will be subtle (kind of) but also requires a lot of work and searching for things. (Luckily, these are all things that I have been wanting to add to my collection anyway, so acquiring them won’t be superfluous.) I can’t wait to tell you what I’m doing! Secrets are not  my strong-suit.

5. Painting faces. Actually, just painting in general. These last several months have not been the greatest for me (just inside my head; not anything serious, like job-related or with my home life). I feel like slowly, things are starting to come back to me, even after years of not practicing, even though some people still call my art “paint-by-numbers” and kind of roll their eyes when I try to show them things I’m working on, because they’d like me better if my “talents” were more of the culinary variety, I guess. So sorry. Juvenile art is the best you’ll get!

(ALERT! Jeannie was just over here and she said that she likes my art and that I have a very distinct style, so suck it, haters. Jeannie is hard to please!)

(OMG you guys, my family gave me such a complex, I apologize, lol.)

Anyway, I painted this one of Jesus yesterday, because why not:

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Also, this beast that’s still in progress:

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6. Henry In a Suit. OK, I haven’t written about Kaitlin’s wedding yet because I need to do that at home and not sporadically at work like most of my blog posts come into fruition, but can I just post this picture of Henry here and chirp about how much of a crush I have on him when he wears a suit? Heart-eyes for days.

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A quick list of things I’m currently NOT obsessed with:

  • CHRIS LEAVING THE LAW FIRM, BOOOO.
  • Summer basically being over.
  • Volatile mornings (a/k/a “Getting The Kid Ready For School”).
  • Being strung along; luckily, strings can be cut.
  • The neighbors.
  • Not having all of the time in the world.
Mar 112014
 

It’s been awhile since I barked DIY orders at Henry. In fact, I think the Beverage Buffet is the last thing he made (the half-finished jewelry armoire in the basement doesn’t count, sorry dear). So over the weekend, I decided that it was time to move the marquee sign from a dream to a reality. I saw it on some broad’s blog a few months ago, some marquee sign she made for Christmas, but it was all Pinterest-y and cute, and you know, Christmas-y. All of the things I dislike. But I liked the notion of having an obnoxious marquee sign in my house.

The steps looked easy (for Henry) and it seemed inexpensive. But I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that I don’t fully understand the value of a dollar sometimes, all of the time.

Like, maybe if I had chosen the phrase “Hi” or stuck with initials it would have been an inexpensive project. But instead, I chose my catchphrase “Get stoked” and when you consider that the letters cost $3 a piece and then the bulb-lights I wanted to use from Target are like $12 for a string and we’re probably going to need like 4 or 5 boxes, you have one clenched-up Henry.

We actually fought each other silently with just our eyes in the middle of the craft store on Saturday, which resulted in me breaking down first and hissing, “JUST FORGET IT!” and storming out. I could hear the pitter-patter of Chooch’s feet on the tile floor as he chased after me, god bless him; soon he will be immune to my tantrums and will refuse to give me attention, JUST LIKE HIS FATHER.

I sat in the car with my arms crossed, sighing heavily and dramatically, accusing Henry of ruining my life.

“I didn’t say we couldn’t buy the letters,” he calmly explained as he navigated the car through the parking lot. “You’re the one that ran out like a baby.”

“FINE THEN JUST GO BACK AND GET THEM!” I yelled.

“No,” he said defiantly. Oh, this is rich, I thought, and then started screaming some more until he yanked the steering wheel to the right and screeched back into the parking lot. He slammed the car door, stalked into Pat Catan’s, and returned in five minutes with a giant bag full of large letters. ERIN WINS AGAIN.

(No, those weren’t the letters. BUT MAYBE FOR THE NEXT SIGN…..)

I actually helped out a little and primed the letters! Now we just need to spraypaint them with my color of choice (and glitter, obviously; my Liberace gene always has to weigh in), find a piece of plywood large enough to hold the letters, and then take out a small home loan to buy the rest of the lights, haha, right Henry?

And then watch somberly as our house goes down in flames.

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I will keep the Internet posted as Henry progresses. Marquee sign or GTFO, right Henry? (I’m sure we know which he would choose.)

———————-

And now I will act like a kindergartner and show you my latest art-things!

First, we have Tentacular:

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These colors are therapeutic. So is striping tentacles with “The Following” on in the background.

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This painting measures 12″x5.5″ and is perfect for people who love oceanic things, stripes, or are perhaps looking for immersion therapy to help cure a tentacle phobia. And it can be all yours for a one-time fee!

BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE!

Sorry. Wrong commercial.

****

Snacks Part 2!

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Remember that terrible Korn song from the 90s that taught us about how wearing ADIDAS
-brand attire meant that we were dreaming all day about sex?

Well, I think they misheard because it’s actually All Day I Dream About Snacks. I mean, who doesn’t? Like right now I might be eating an apple at work but I’m thinking about how I’m going to stick my face in a bag of freshly popped popcorn as soon as I get home tonight. And while I’m eating that, I’ll probably be thinking about PIE.

Because SNACKS.

Anyway. This painting is the second in the SNACKS series; it measures 5×7″ and it’s on canvas, not stretched skin. I will probably wrap it with a bow before mailing it to you. I mean, assuming you are buying it. You ARE buying it, aren’t you??

***

Fudge Nipple Sundae!

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The obvious dessert after a long, hot summer’s day of stalking victims. Hang this boob-capped sundae painting on your wall & channel the spirit of Jeffrey Dahmer.

#2 in the “From the Cannibal Kitchen” series.

(Clearly, I’m off my description-writing game.)

***

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Because I just really love to paint odd birds.

This pastel piece of paint-thing is varnished and shipped by carrier pigeon. J/K. I use USPS, but sometimes I wonder if avian delivery would be more efficient.

Mar 032014
 

Hopefully I’m not being too annoying with my painting updates; it’s such a fine line and sometimes I get too excited to share things like a Kindergartner to notice if I’m being ridiculous or not…I think I should probably just err on the side of caution and assume that I am. Once all this horrendous winter weather subsides, I will probably be way less prolific, so there’s always hope for the future.

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“Storming Calzones.” (This one is no longer available, but I wanted to share it because it makes me LOL.)

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Custom “Bat Room” sign.

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I can’t explain it, but making these little guys is extremely soothing for me. Strangely, during the grand opening of this little boutique in Pittsburgh called Wildcard, all of my bathroom plaques sold out. I don’t know exactly why they’re so popular, but I really enjoy making them so it’s a good thing!

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I also enjoy painting mixtapes.

The other night, I was going through all my inactive listings on Etsy, because there are a handful of pieces that I still have laying around. I saw some old favorites and decided to offer made-to-order versions of them, like Bunch O Balloons:

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And Sigmund!

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I’m on a “Raining [Objects]” kick, obvi.

Look, I know I’m not churning out masterpieces here, but it’s fun and it makes Chooch smile (well, depending on his mood). I like making colorful things (and then fucking it up with something gross, as Henry laments). But these ones aren’t gross. For now, anyway. I’m still on my gross food kick.

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In other news, I finally updated my “about” page after 7 years. Of course, it’s only public on the mobile site because I don’t know how to get the link on my sidebar, but you should be able to access it by clicking here.