Reporting from Work | Oh Honestly, Erin

RIP Wall, Resurrected

Collect All of the Glenns, Reporting from Work

Jun 142013

Here at the Law Firm, there used to be a wall papered with pictures of dead celebrities. It was pretty fun for awhile and featured everything from Tupac to the planet Pluto, but eventually the novelty wore off, and then after two years, our boss took down all of the pictures because new offices were being erected (lol) in that area.

Last night, Amber2 and I were brainstorming Glenn ideas because my wicked streak has been too idle these last few months. If I’m not constantly fucking with someone, then I feel worthless and dead inside. Amber consulted her calender to see if we could incorporate any upcoming holidays, so then at least there would be a theme, and then remembered that Pride is this weekend here in Pittsburgh. While I would love to do a series of gay Glenns, I feel like maybe that wouldn’t go over too well (much like the desire to start a rumor that he’s a lesbian, which still makes me LOL every time to the point of weeping). But then Amber casually suggested that we bring back the RIP wall, Glenn-style, and if I had gotten on board any faster, I’d have capsized the motherfucking boat.

WHAT A GREAT IDEA!!

Still, I sent an email to Sandy and Nate, because they would for sure let me know if this was a good idea for real, and they were like “Yes, we approve” and then Sandy suggested that I start with Jean Stapleton, whom it turns out barely anyone here recognizes. Losers.

Wendy, however, was like, “If you say so….” when I tried to convince her that this was an excellent idea that would bring our department together like the old days. Interestingly, Glenn said that the exact same thing when I told him he was about to be a reluctant star again. (But like Henry, he secretly loves it.)

As you can see, I still excel at photographing my Glenns.

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The Birth of VOLTRON

really bad ideas, Reporting from Work

Jun 062013

I feel like I may have already introduced my new flower, Rhoda, to the Internet, but my blog has been such a pit of despair lately that I can’t bring myself to check my recent posts. So, here she is (again, maybe). I made Henry buy her for me at some roadside produce stand because suddenly I’m Little Miss Erin Flower Keeper. The last time I had a flower was right after Chooch was born. I was determined to prove to, who? Myself? Henry? LiveJournal? that I could multitask keeping a newborn baby AND A FLOWER alive.

Well, the flower only lasted about a week. Mostly because Speck kept eating it. And also a little bit because I forgot it was there.

Before that was the Great African Violet Bed Shitting of 1985. First of all, who buys a 6-year-old an African Violet?! Oh, my mom when she’s trying to placate me at Arcadian Gardens. Fuck, I hated that place.

Anyway, I was all excited to take Rhoda to work after Memorial Day. I carried her with me all gently on the trolley. Lots of old people smiled at me. Flowers make old people happy. Then I took her around the office, excitedly introducing her to everyone. “I’m going to raise her all on my own, without Henry’s help!” I kept saying. And that wasn’t a lie, although at the end of the week, I discovered poor Rhoda on my windowsill and thought, “Oh shit, I forgot she was there.” So I ran her over to Amber2, who has A LOT of vegetation on her desk because she understands what plants need to flourish, and she taught me how to water Rhoda.

I was feeling pretty good about myself after that, much like you would after throwing a sockful of peach pits and Chuck E Cheese tokens at an orphan, and promptly forgot about Rhoda’s existence again. Much like you would an orphan after throwing a sockful of peach pits and Chuck E. Cheese tokens at one.

But last night at work, I was shuffling papers at my other desk-thing, which is what I do sometimes when I want people to think I’m busy, when I noticed that:

(a) Rhoda was still sitting there obediently

(b) Her other bud-thing had hatched and now I had TWO!!!

(c) The dirt was dry as FUCK. (Something Snooki probably has never said about her kooka. I just imagine it’s a perpetual swamp down there.)

This was exciting because my work-friend Nate had preemptively named the bud VOLTRON but in my head I was like, “Shit, maybe we shouldn’t have named this yet. Doesn’t the farmer’s almanac say it’s bad luck to name a fetus-flower?” So then I was secretly angry at Nate for aborting my bud before it even had a chance in this cruel world.

Luckily, Nate has been taken off my List.

FOR NOW.

Internet, meet VOLTRON!!

OH I JUST LOVE HIM!

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Another Sad Day at the Law Firm

Reporting from Work

Jun 032013

Lee left us on Friday to move back home to Baltimore. Of course we’re all super stoked for him, but it sucks to lose another work buddy. I already have major abandonment issues, so now I just feel straight up emotionally abused. SERIOUSLY. I’m going to try and get reimbursed for my future shrink bills.

Let us never forget some important facts about Lee:

He was the only one who attended the funeral for my sea monkey, back when we weren’t even friends yet!
He hates Juggalos with ever fiber of his being and would likely risk incarceration for the opportunity to Hulk Smash one.
He likes to say “Hulk Smash.” A lot.
He didn’t talk to me for an entire day when I turned him into a Juggalo:

Juggalo 4 Lyfe. Straight Faygo Chuggin’.

He gives the “best birthday presents” to 6-year-old boys and makes sure no one forgets about it. Ever.
He was once a carnival freak with his bromance, Chris:

leechris

He HATES THE STEELERS which was awesome for me because I HATE THE STEELERS so I felt less alone at work on black & gold Fridays during football season. One time, I even purposely wore purple along with him, because that is the color of the BALTIMORE RAVENS GOD FORBID!
He has the best fist pumps ever, which I could never learn. But I always flinched when he would perform them.
He hates that I love Jonny Craig, but admitted that Jonny Craig “actually has a decent voice.” But he still would punch him. He was so mad when I took this picture of my Jonny Craig doll playing with his toys one night when he wasn’t around:

leejonny

Tuesday Night Late Shifts will never be the same.

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Office Rumors

really bad ideas, Reporting from Work

May 162013

Today was shaping up to be a pretty ordinary Thursday. I was in a so-so mood when I strolled over to Barb’s desk around 2:30 today for a visit. Nate and Debbie S. were there too, and what we were talking about wasn’t very note-worthy, just some mild banter.

And then Glenn walked by.

“We should start a rumor that Glenn is a lesbian,” Barb said. I don’t recall any overt hysterics from Nate or Debbie over this suggestion, but I fucking DIED. I was laughing so hard I had to walk away. Then I realized I had walked into a dead-end, so I turned around and had to find the nearest chair to sit in to keep from showwering my co-workers with gleeful urination.

“THAT IS THE BEST IDEA EVER!!” I squealed once I was able to speak again. I can totally picture him in a flannel and skinny jeans at a Tegan and Sara show, can’t you?!

So I was walking back to my office-thing and saw Glenn sitting all lesbianly at his desk and I lost my shit all over again. Amber2 looked concerned because when I get this giddy, it oftentimes appears that I am under some sort of duress, the kind of red-hued scrunched-up face one might put on immediately after learning of the death of a loved on or Corey Haim. Unfortunately, this is also my Ugly Laugh face.

I tried to explain to her what was going on, but this only resulted in my having to SQUAT DOWN and bury my face in my arms. Every time I opened my mouth to talk, I could only manage to vomit out incomprehensible, muffled sounds.

“I’ll just email you!” I wheezed. Even better is that there is a new processor who just started last week and she sits right in front of Amber2, which is unfortunately pretty close to me, so she gets to overhear all sorts of weird things that may or may not have something to do with weird things and me.

This uncontrollable laughing alone carried on for over an hour without reprieve (for me or those in direct vacinity of me). And then I started telling more and more people (most of whom where like, “That is not really that funny”) so eventually, Glenn was all, “Ha-ha, what is going on?”

This only made the remainder of my sanity expire in a mushroom-cloud explosion of tears and laughter and I had to literally run away from him.

Finally, I emailed him and said, “Barb just wanted to know if you like the Indigo Girls” which confused him even more.

I can’t even look at him now without hearing “Come To My Window” in my head. I tried to get my friend Natalie, whose office is right next to Glenn’s desk, to walk by him while singing the chorus but she was just like, “I hate you.”

I printed this out and taped it to his desk.

This is the best rumor ever! Does anyone have an “L Word” DVD I can put on his desk?

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Glenn Piper

Collect All of the Glenns, Reporting from Work

Apr 302013

Man. Today I was going to start writing about my amusement park weekend, but how can I possibly write about anything joyous when today was my office buddy Angie’s last day at the Law Firm? WHO WILL I TALK TO NOW ABOUT JONNY CRAIG AND PIERCE THE VEIL!? (Answer: Everyone else here at the Law Firm, plus Henry and the Internet, but still — you know what I mean.)

I didn’t really get to know Angie until recently, when I switched positions in the department, but she had quickly become one of my favorite people here and now she is gone and I feel dead inside. She was the best person to be office-mates with (unlike my other office-mate—Jeannie—who tells me I’m dumb and openly mocks me—yes, that’s right: sweet little innocent me! I do nothing to provoke this!). Angie didn’t whistle “Desperado” or cut coupons at her desk or have babies in the bathroom. She basically mentored me, plus she knew ALL of the good gossip. Now where will I get my scoop?! (I was starting to type “Certainly not Lee” and then he walked in here, haha.)

And then Friday was Chris’s last day. I tried to avoid him because I didn’t want to say goodbye, but then he hugged me before he left and I went back to my office and cried like the little sentimental bitch that I am. I remember when I started here April of 2010, Chris was on vacation and Barb was so anxious for him to get back so I could meet him. He totally lived up to Barb’s praises!

Friday was also Pam’s last day, and then of course Sean’s was last week and also Brad left in April and Kristen left in February. I am quite literally saying “WAH!” right now. Change is not something I handle well.

Sorry to all of my friends who left us before all those guys (Carey, Jamie, Nina, Tyler…), but I ran out of “children” to Photoshop over!

It’s just not the same here anymore. But at least I can still make fun of Glenn.

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A Confusing Day at The Law Firm

Collect All of the Glenns, Reporting from Work

Apr 192013

Today was Sean’s last day at The Law Firm and I am distraught. I didn’t even hug him because I knew I would lose it, so we just high-fived.

The whole week has been sad, like one long depressing build-up to the inevitable. Monday night was our last late shift together. :( And the next day, he passed on the “torch” to Lee. (Who barely deserves it!)

Smug Lee.

After Sean told me he was leaving, I was talking to Chooch about it the next morning. Chooch had kind of a weird nemesis-type relationship with Sean in that he enjoyed randomly punching him in the stomach anytime he would see him.

“Why is he leaving?” Chooch asked.

“I don’t know. Because he hates it there.”

“Maybe he hates you,” Chooch sneered. Jesus, kid! Don’t I have enough of a complex? Just last night he told me that Henry doesn’t love me because I’m “not right for him.” OMG, I quit!

WAHHHHHH!

When I got to work today, I asked Sean if Glenn had cried yet, since they’ve sat next to each other for all these years.

“Not until you got here,” Glenn answered for Sean.

But then also today is Debbie’s 50th birthday! So it’s like, “Boo-hoo, goodbye Sean! HOORAY FOR DEBBIE AND CUPCAKES!” I am so fucking confused right now. (Plus, earlier I thought my buddy from the mail room was barking at me so now he’s going around telling people I have a barking fetish. And you know what, maybe I DO, now that I think about it.)

Cupcakes! I stayed strong (so far) and have not had one, not even after Nate offered to split one with me.

Birthday girl! I gave her one of my pendants and even wrote something NICE inside a card, and she was going on about how sweet I am, so I told her to pass that shit on because most people here think I’m evil.

Grampa Glenn.

——–

Last night, I was walking through my old quadrant, which we’ve been calling Forbidden City since the Firm moved in some other department over there and now we’re prohibited from cutting through (but I still do since I work late shift and Those People are gone by then). When I passed my original desk, I honest to god started to cry because I CAN’T HANDLE CHANGE and things have been REALLY changing so fast lately. I think since December, five of my buddies here have left, and two more are following in Sean’s footsteps this month alone. I just can’t handle it.

And I had a really bittersweet dream about my two dead cats, Speck and Don, the other night so I have been in hardcore nostalgia-mode all week. Plus the Boston bombings, WTF kind of a fucking week is this!?!?

I am going to fucking rage this weekend, that’s all I know.

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Stuff That Can Be Seen Inside My Office-Thing

Reporting from Work

Apr 052013

So here I am, in my own personal panic because I still have these things I want/need to blog about, like the rest of the shit we did on the way home from Lancaster and HELLO THE JONNY FUCKING CRAIG SHOW OMG, but what am I doing instead? Sharing a glimpse inside my dumb little office at work. Because it’s Friday and I’m all tuckered out after I was almost involved in a shooting that happened downtown a few hours ago. MORE ON THAT LATER.

Here we have a picture of my cat Don (RIP, buddy) and James Neal, my prom date. (Possibly more widely known as a Pittsburgh Penguin, though.)

The elephant thingie I bought at Mr. Ed’s and thought I lost!

A picture of Chooch with the band Chiodos held up by a scene kid magnet by awesome friend Brandy made me!

A picture of a bloody tooth I keep around to remind my co-workers not to fuck with me. (It doesn’t work on many people anymore though, just the n00bs.)

Yay, Amish memories!

Chooch drew that for me on the back of a receipt a few years ago. He probably thought I threw it away.

All the Glenns from Halloween!

St. Rita, Kellin Quinn, Austin Carlile and Marcy, all in a row.

‘Sup, homie. Also, instructions to access my voicemail because I never remember.

I get lots of papercuts. At least now I can decorate them.

Shitty Asian candy that no one is stupid enough to eat. (Except Jamie!)

Light reading.

The best mug in the world (thanks, Michelle!) and the omnipresent Jonny.

Freak flag, Jesus pen, Bayernhof literature.

The scene outside after a shooting, which happened at the exact time I take my break and sometimes I walk on that street! I MIGHT HAVE GONE THAT WAY TODAY if Angie hadn’t come into my office right before 4pm and started telling me a story. She saved my life (or buttock — that’s what was shot at)!

OK. I hope you enjoyed this unnecessary tour of my work digs. Now I’m about to go eat an apple, which I obtained by fruit panhandling around the department because Henry is a motherfucker who is suddenly against buying fruit. (Also scored two Cuties, a bag of light popcorn, some Pop Chips, string cheese and a packet of oatmeal. See that Henry? My co-workers got my back.)

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Resurrected Glenn Collectibles

Collect All of the Glenns, Reporting from Work

Mar 292013

Apropos egg fillers.

I have to admit — this Easter Glenn Egg thing wasn’t as legendary as I had hoped, only because this week ended up being kind of busy for me at work. THE NERVE, amirite? But people still seemed to have had fun with it, and that’s all I really wanted to accomplish anyway.

There are still some eggs floating around out there, but here are the new Glenns that we have on our relocated Glenn wall.

Mary Magdaglenn, Burning Bush Glenn, Cain & Abel Glenn, Fish & Loaves Glenn.

Jonah and the Whale Glenn, Law Firm Lamb Cake Glenn, Wall of Glenns, Shopping Mall Easter Bunny Glenn.

Last Supper Glenn! Featuring: Mitch, Debbie, Cheryl, Chris, Derek, Wendy, Jesus Glenn, A-ron, Angie, Barb, Sandy, Bridget and Nate. Shout out to Bridget’s stilt-shoes and Faygo.

Abraham and the Sacrifice Glenn, Glenn Parting the Seas, Eve Glenn, Baby Moses Glenn.

Sarris Chocolate Easter Bunny Glenn, Leper Glenn (I was busted looking at pictures of lepers last night because of this), Glenn the Baptist, Goliath Glenn.

The story is that my co-worker Marlene found an egg in the fridge this morning and thought, “That’s odd. Why would someone be chilling a plastic egg?” but then moved on with her life because this is The Law Firm, and weird things go on every day there. But then Debbie told her in passing that there was an Easter egg hunt happening, so Marlene went back for the chilled egg. She told me later that she enjoyed the Tootsie Roll, but did not enjoy the fact that Leper Glenn was in the fridge of all places. I didn’t even intentionally place him there, so that made it even funnier to me.

Glenn and the Amazing Technicolor Coat, Pharaoh Glenn, Delilah Glenn, Jesus Sandal Glenn.

“You really know a lot of Bible stuff,” one of my co-workers said.

I nodded my head, but then said, “Welllll, Google helps.”

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Easter Glenn Hunt

Collect All of the Glenns, Reporting from Work, Uncategorized

Mar 272013

Last Thursday, I was on the stupid trolley en route to work, when suddenly I thought to myself, “Easter Glenn Hunt!” Because I don’t have enough shit on my plate right now, let’s add another dollop!

I ran the idea past some of my work friends, who agreed that this needs to happen. So I started making Glenns that night. Obviously, we’re trying to include as many Easter and Bible-themed Glenns as possible, but there are some random ones in there, too.

It’s uncanny how much Glenn really does look like Sue Sylvester from Glee. My work buddy Nate was walking past my office last Friday, singing the McDonald’s Fish McBites song, and interrupted himself to say, “OMG! Fish McBite Glenn!” Nate, your wish has been granted.

Henry was supposed to get me plastic Easter eggs but decided it wasn’t his “priority,” so I only have the 4 eggs that Debbie brought in from her attic. I decided Glenn, who was previously unaware of this activity, should get the first egg. So I placed a pink one on his desk and even put the BEST Glenn inside — the Jesus’s Tomb Peekaboo Glenn. It was taking him too long to notice it was there so I walked over and instead of talking like a normal person, I did that mentally-stunted throaty giggle that I do when I’m up to no good. (Which is often.)

Sean, who sits in front of Glenn, knew what was going on, so he started laughing too. Glenn initially asked me what I wanted, but when I responded with more weird laughter, he brushed it off because he’s used to this.

Finally, I blurted out, “DOESN’T ANYTHING LOOK WEIRD OVER HERE?” waving my hands around his desk area.

“No,” he said dryly. “Not until you walked over.”

I had to actually point at the egg and he still wasn’t going to do anything!

“Oh, do you want me to open it, I guess?” he asked. When he moved aside all of the Mini Eggs (which I stole from behind Debbie’s desk because Henry didn’t buy me any candy, either) and found his Jesus Glenn, he said something to the effect of, “Oh, good. This again.”

This might be my Mona Lisa of all Glenns. Glenn is the head processor in our department, so it seemed like a no-brainer to put doubles of all of the other processors on the ark with him: Sean, Amber¹, Lee, Gayle, Todd and Amber².

This is what I did during my break on Monday. One of the analysts came in to ask me a question and said, “OMG, you’re coloring” and then laughed.

“Not just coloring,” I said with contempt. “Making Glenns.” And then she got all excited because people like collecting Glenns, OK?

I hid my four pitiful eggs Monday night before I left. I was off yesterday because I needed the entire day to panic and puke before going to see Jonny Craig last night, and I didn’t hear anything about people finding eggs, so this might be a flop.

[If you weren't around for the Halloween Glenn Defacement Project, please click here!]

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An Unfortunate Spill

Reporting from Work

Feb 072013

Good job, Nurse. You motherfucker.

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Full Blown Fruit Problems

Food, Obsessions, Reporting from Work

Jan 082013

Earlier today, there was a gentle, friendly knock upon my door. “Probably Hot Naybor Chris wanting to use Henry for ~~sex~~ tools,” I thought.

(*Or SEX TOOLS!)

Then there was another congenial little rap, followed by the sound of the door opening.

I was in the middle of making new serial killer Valentines*, so you can imagine where my mind went.

(*More on this later; I’m super excited about it!)

But it was just the mailman, putting a giant box between my doors. A giant box of FRUIT from my friend Andrea in California! She hooked me the fuck up. Persimmons, guava, honey tangerines, cactus pears, a giant Mexican papaya that didn’t survive the flight…plus CANDY!

You know I’m on a fucking fruit kick when I literally toss the CANDY aside in order to gain better access to the FRUIT.

Henry came home from work and I screamed, “HURRY UP AND CUT THIS FRUIT FOR MY FRUIT SALAD!” He glanced at the mound of exotic Californian fruit and growled, “Andrea!” in the vein of Pee Wee finding out Francis! stole his bike.

Look at that bitchin’ prickly pear! When I have to Wiki how to eat the fruit in my fruit salad, you know shit’s about to get cray. I should have done my research beforehand, but then I wouldn’t have found out that eating the green part of the prickly pear is a bad idea. Tasted like spicy cucumber and I openly wept a little, loud enough for my office neighbor Angie to ask me WTF was wrong. When she learned that I was just being weird with my fruit, she seemed to lose interest in my plight. I could have been seriously injured!

Then my friend Kevin from Miami (another place that probably has much better fruit than stupid Pittsburgh) told me on Facebook that he bought a sapodilla today. I Googled it and learned that it tastes like brown sugar and ROOT BEER?! WHAT!? I emailed the link to Lee, who is working late shift with me tonight, and he told me I have a full blown problem.

I put in a call to my fruit purveyor and she’s putting her feelers out for sapodilla. She said she might even have a cherimoya hookup!

What if I became a fruit blogger?

[See also: This Post.]

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Garland of Glenns

Carnival Desk, Collect All of the Glenns, holidays, Reporting from Work

Dec 122012

For that extra touch of Yuletide bullshit.

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Jonny Tree

Collect All of the Glenns, holidays, Jonny Craig, Reporting from Work

Dec 032012

I’m not really that big on Christmas decorating, but all my work friends have their little desk trees out and I guess I caught some sort of gay (as in 1950′s happy, not gay) yuletide virus.

I told Henry that I wanted to make a Jonny Craig tree and asked him where I could find one.

“The garbage dump,” he mumbled.

Much to his chagrin, I bought a small tree and some blank ornaments at Pat Catan’s on Saturday.

Painted the ornaments red and gold and then glued some Christmas-y Jonny Craig pictures to them. Jonny Angel, Jonny Kringle…

…Ginger Jesus.

“You won’t be able to do that,” Henry said in the car today. “It’ll make the tree too top heavy!”

OH LOOK WHO MADE IT HAPPEN, MOTHERNIPPLES.

Random pom-poms upon my repurposed Halloween Carnival fabric. See Henry, I told you I would find other uses for it.

You might notice that my tree is unlit. I actually do have a strand of lights here, but I felt that at this point, it would basically just be gilding the lily.

(Or it could be because I have mild decorating retardation and couldn’t get the lights on it.)

It’s not done yet. I still have a garland of Glenns to make.

I also need more Jonny ornaments! Anyone feeling crafty? (No, seriously! Make me one!)

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The Santa Claus Ordeal

Epic Fail, really bad ideas, Reporting from Work

Nov 302012

The other day, I was wandering around the streets of downtown on my break. This is only slightly dangerous, as I’ve been learning a lot about my surroundings, i.e. how to find my way back to The Law Firm. I decided that I wanted to check out the Christkindlmarket in Market Square, which is basically a fancy way of saying, “Look, we built tiny store fronts full of European wares.”

Of course, I needed to see if there were any Bavarian-flavored goods being sold, but while I was out there, I noticed that SANTA CLAUS IS THERE! AND HE HAS HIS OWN HOUSE!

I have been around many Santas in my day, but never have I felt so strong a desire to have my picture taken with one.

Unfortunately, I didn’t have any money on me, and besides, I was already “accused” of having “no friends” so why get a picture taken proving that? It would be way more fun wrangling some of my work friends, I mean “colleagues,” to join me.

I came running back to work and burst into Carey’s office. After I panted out my request, she promised that she would go with me the next day.

So yesterday I painted my nails all Christmas-like, put on an emerald green silk shirt for extra yueltide flair, and even spent some extra time straightening my hair all nice and un-hobo-like….

…only to get to work and have Carey tell me she was “too busy.”

“But your hair looks really nice today!” she said as a way to compensate for my rapidly falling face.

“Yeah, because I THOUGHT I was getting my picture taken with Santa today,” I said in a huff.

Meanwhile, Barb had left early, Wendy said she was too scared (like I brought my own Santa or something), and Gayle and Amber1 had already taken their breaks. However, Amber2 told me that if I could hold my red-nosed horses until Monday, she would happily go with me. (I should have just asked her in the first place, since she’s also the person who went Furry-hunting with me last June.)

But then today Carey casually proposed that we go get felt up by Santa. At first I was like, “WTF, I look like crap* today!”

*(See also: “normal”)

Whatever. Sane hair or Hobo hair, I was getting my fucking picture taken with Santa’s fat ass one way or another. I was so excited and ran around rubbing it into everyone’s faces (Glenn responded with a blank stare).

But when Carey and I got down there, we found out that it was cash or food donation only. No credit cards. My heart sank—I didn’t have enough time to run to an ATM because my break was halfway over by then.

Carey shrugged and said she had nothing, so I hung my head and we walked away.

As we retreated, I noticed an older black woman up ahead and recoiled at her appearance. But then I thought to myself, “Oh, she has zombie makeup on. There must be a zombie event happening.”

(Pittsburgh is the Zombie capital of the world, so…not unusual.)

But as we got closer, I realized that there was actually something wrong with her. Her face was ashy, about four shades lighter than the rest of her, and she was wearing bright red lipstick.

Her hair? THAT was legit hobo hair.

And then she opened her mouth to reveal a pit full of rotted stubs.

“Excuse me, do you got any money so I can get some dinner?” she asked in a panhandling drawl.

“No,” I replied, walking away and leaving Carey to have her face gnawed off for dinner by Hobo Zombie.

I didn’t really think anything of it. I knew that Carey was going to Chipotle to get dinner and I had to get back to work.

Ten minutes later, I was at Barb’s desk, whining about how once again, I was Santa pictureless, when Carey marched by with her bag of Chipotle.

“Thanks for leaving me with that homeless woman,” she spat. “What a great way to treat your Santa wingman.”

I lost it, totally folded myself in half with giddy laughter.

“Wait, what’s this?” Barb asked. “You conveniently left that part of the story out!”

“And just so you know, when I was in Chipotle I discovered that I actually did have leftover cash, so that’s what you get for deserting me.” And then, as her office door shut behind her, Carey tacked on an effective, “Asshole.”

I walked away, crying with laughter, while various co-workers noted with sarcasm my valiant propensity at having the backs of friends.

Later, upon further discussion, Carey and I deduced that the beggar may have been a black albino.

“How terrible to be TWO minorities,” Carey said solemnly, but I only started laughing harder. Then I returned to my office, where I laughed alone for the next 30 minutes.

In other work news: I used the microwave here for the first time last night and totally fucked that up.

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New Digs

Reporting from Work

Nov 092012

They moved me away from Barb, you guys. :( Yes, it’s kind of cool that I have an office-thing now, but I’m so far away from Barb! And I actually have to do work now! Oh, if only you could hear my whines.

When I told Chooch that I was being moved away from Barb, he said, “Oh, because you guys talk too much?”

Well, there’s that too.

Don’t worry, all of my Jonny pictures followed me here, although I did leave one for Barb. I might start sending her random Jonnies through interoffice mail.

A-ron apparently wasn’t kept abreast of the departmental moves and was shocked when he walked by my old turf and saw my empty desk. He asked Barb what was going on, so naturally she told him that I quit, which is incredibly apropos given our last conversation about me being stressed out here. He came to see me later and said, “I mean, I was shocked, but only because I thought you would at least last a month.”

Oh, ha ha.

My new digs are right around the corner from Glenn. He said I was “lowering the property value” and then threw a ball of refuse at me when he walked by earlier today. I forgot to bring over my garbage can from my old desk, so I just let it sit on the floor for about two hours, thinking he would come back and pick it up.

Apparently, stress makes me naive too.

But you know, things are going alright. I haven’t cried here since Wednesday. I think mostly because I’m half-numb. And now when the support line rings, I just feel disgust instead of panic. So basically, I’m right on track.

And when I was cleaning out my old desk drawers, I found the voodoo Santas that Andrea and I made last year! So that’s a bright spot in the week, for sure.

My fucking 6-year-old handles change better than I do.

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