Every morning, we woke up early and were on our way out the door by 8am, which might seem like a horror movie to some people, but we’re very go-go-go when vacationing, and if an amusement park opens at 9, then best believe we’re gonna be there at 8:45. I was fucking stoked every morning and sure, I was still a mega-bitch until Henry slammed a coffee into my palm, but I’m happy to report that we mostly got along all day, every day.
Except for me and Chooch.
We bicker a lot.
That’s what happens when you’re basically THE SAME PERSON. It’s pretty scary. Imagine being Henry.
Chooch and I started fighting Thursday morning right after we pulled out of the resort’s parking lot because “When Doves Cry” came on the radio and he piped up from the backseat, “I don’t like this song.”
I wanted to throw him out onto the highway but Henry said we couldn’t do that just because he didn’t like a song I like and I’m sorry, but since when?
Inside the park, Henry got his map on. He loves pointing the way. Fucking directional nerd.
We spent a good portion of the morning in Springfield, soaking up the Groening vibes. I haven’t actually watched The Simpsons in a super long time for no real reason other than I really just don’t watch much TV I guess, but if you know me IRL, you might know that I have been playing Simpson Tapped Out on my phone for THREE YEARS now. I have never played a game that long! I have no attention span for games! But this one is such a stress reliever for me that I literally cannot quit playing it.
The other day, I was outside on my break and Henry was calling me. I declined his call twice and then when I called him back, I started out with, “Sorry, something terrible happened.” He of course was all, “OMG WHAT?!” and I cried, “I just got an update on Simpsons and it said this is the last level!!! They’re not going to have any new levels!!!”
“That’s fucked up,” Henry said.
“I know!” I whined.
“No, I mean it’s fucked up that you’re still playing that game,” he sighed.
Hey, I have money invested in this game! I like to treat myself by buying donuts on days when I’m feeling particularly down. (Donuts can be used to buy premium shit in the game!!)
Speaking of donuts! Treated myself to a Lard Lad. I feel like it’s obligatory, you know? How are you going to walk through Springfield and not glut yourself on a pink frosted, am I right or am I right?!
Of course, I only took two bites and then gave the rest to Henry because that’s all I can usually stomach when it comes to donuts. (Unless it’s sugar or glazed, then gimme a dozen and back away slowly.)
Then Chooch and I went on the Twirl n Hurl alone because Henry’s stomach is too elderly to handle such extreme spins through the air. Universal has a pretty staunch NO SELFIE policy on the rides which is completely understandable but am I under arrest for taking a picture of Henry standing alone?
Too bad, so sad, Henry has no friends.
I loved this ride so much, but not as much as One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish in Seuss Landing, which SQUIRTS WATER AT YOU. Chooch and I rode it twice while Henry sat on a bench with other parents, staring at his phone and pointedly ignoring us every time we screamed, “HENRY!! LOOK AT US!! HENRY!!” That’s cool. Ignore our bliss. We don’t need your acknowledgement.
At some point, we were on our way to finally ride the Revenge of the Mummy for the first time when we were sidetracked by some pop-up show full of acrobatics and a super hot man-bunned boy named JOEY.
I imprinted on him almost immediately and while I’m sure the other boys were wonderfully spry, I couldn’t take my eyes off of JOEY and I only applauded for JOEY.
Ugh, he reminded me of Scott Speedman, Felicity-era.
Ugh, why can’t Henry look that good in a man bun?
Ugh, why can’t Henry be Scott Speedman?
UGH, THANKS A LOT, HENRY.
Henry bought these shorts for Chooch right before we left for Florida and of course I wasn’t there so wow, I was surprised when Chooch put these on that day. Like, what even is the point? These are basically just billowy pants.
Not shorts.
Henry is so dumb.
More importantly though, this Mummy ride was the absolute shit. And the wait time was non-existent! AND THERE WAS REAL LIFE FIRE INSIDE! Super thrilling, my review is raving. This ride was excelsior!
For lunch on Day 2, we at the Monster Café! I was so excited about this even though it was literally just a standard Universal cafeteria, but the décor was enough to lure me in! We sat in the Crypt area and ate pizza and shared a gigantic cupcake.
All was well, all was right.
It’s all about making sure I’m fed at an appropriate hour. This is how you will make or break the day.
Back in the kiddieland portion of Universal, Chooch and I discovered yet another coaster to rival the Wacky Worm’s claim on my heart: Woody Woodpecker’s Nuthouse Coaster! I asked Henry to take a picture of Chooch and me enjoying life but no, he couldn’t even do that much because that might have meant he actually cared about our happiness!
Also because then people would have known we belonged to him, god forbid.
Had to go back to Seuss Landing later that day too because it’s the best! There’s an interactive called If I Ran the Zoo where Chooch and I got to twist knobs and crank levers to make things pop out of the ground and I almost stuck in a slide and burnt my knees crawling through a tunnel and it was just the best fucking place ever!
SEUSS LANDING IS THE PLACE FOR ME.
I don’t even know who this, and there was an Australian family next to us who also didn’t know who he was and still didn’t know even after Henry told them but they got in line anyway. I was obsessed with that family, btw. THE PARENTS WERE SO COOL and I feel like the dad was 100% probably maybe more than likely in a band, and definitely a band I would like.
For the first time ever, Henry and Chooch rode something while I sat on a bench and waited. I thought Doctor Doom’s Fear Fall was one of those stupid free fall rides that I just can’t handle because I get so goddamn scared that it will honestly ruin the rest of my day. So I sat down and then this huge group infiltrated my area and I felt like such a loser, sitting there sadly by myself, pretending to be super interested in whatever was on my phone, while this huge group was laughing and having so much fun, waiting for the rest of their peeps to join them, and when they finally left, I was partially relieved because I was really feeling like a voyeur there for a hot minute, but then I also felt sad that they had left without taking me with them.
And I was back to sitting there alone and silent, waiting for Henry and Chooch to come back from riding something that only had a 15 minute wait time.
After 30 minutes had passed, I really started to panic. I mean, I get nervous anytime I’m waiting for something or someone, but I was really starting to take this to the extreme because I was holding all of their stuff which included Henry’s phone, so I couldn’t send any irate, nagging texts demanding to know his whereabouts like I normally would because I’m a controlling man.
“Where’s the exit for this ride?” I asked some broad sitting nearby, thinking that maybe the exit was on the other side and that perhaps they stopped to play some games or ride something else that was in the general proximity, but she pointed to the gift shop that was literally right in front of us.
I gulped and said, “Oh. I think I was ditched.”
And she laughed, probably thinking I was being cute, but really my mind was spinning and my ears were starting to ring because holy shit, Panic Town here I come.
I got up and went inside the gift shop to see if they were in there, because there were some arcade games so I thought, maybe, just maybe, Chooch strong-armed Henry into letting him play some shit and they lost track of time.
YEAH, THAT’S IT.
LOST TRACK OF TIME.
Except that I knew deep down the truth was that Henry met some old hag who looked like she would be more capable in the housework department and so he decided to leave me and Chooch was like, “Will this bitch bake cookies and actually take care of me? OK cool, I’m in.”
My heart was beating so fast that I was starting to see stars. I went back outside. I paced back and forth. I spun in circles looking for the nearest Lost Erin station. Looking for a cop. Looking for a new family to adopt me. The lady who laughed at me had reunited with her people; they were walking off into the horizon, holding hands, ready for their next adventure.
And I was still alone. ABANDONED.
It was the worst moment of our entire vacation.
How would I get home!? Never mind that I had the car keys and a cell phone and the credit cards.
I DIDN’T HAVE HENRY TO DO ALL OF THE THINGS FOR ME.
I guess I was just going to have to live inside of Universal Studios.
I was going to live inside of Universal Studios!
Just when I was starting to like where this was going, those two assholes emerged from the gift shop/ride exit and I remembered how scared I was, which immediately turned into ANGER. Their lame excuse was that the wait time ended up being “way longer” and that they had actually just been standing in line that whole time while I was slowly melting into a pool of pity out there on the pavement.
I started screaming about how worried I was and Henry just scoffed and said, “Now you know how I feel when you two wander off.”
OH OK LIKE HE ACTUALLY GETS SCARED, SURE.
Hey guess what, we fought on this ride because he purposely flung himself into my and made me bang my arm or something, I can’t remember now but I know there was pain involved and he was so smug about it.
Chooch just glanced at this picture and asked dryly, “Oh, is that the ride you almost ‘died’ on?”
UGH FUCK OFF!!
I think my new life goal is to become super famous somehow and have Universal build an entire section in my honor, where you can literally take a ride through my stupid life which I guess by then won’t be so stupid if I’m that famous that Universal made a whole area for me. Maybe one of the rides can be a boat ride through various music festivals and the water will actually be my tears. And the vessels will be logs in the shape of Henry lying on his back.
A 4D multi-sensory darkride called BROOKLINE BOUND, where you are latched onto the coattails of Purple Pants as she pulls you through the bowels of Brookline; you will fight off hipsters for Las Palmas tacos, dodge errantly-strewn syringes, and cruise through a concert of Yinzers screaming about the Steelers.
Maybe a roller coaster called GET ERIN TO THE ALTAR? And don’t forget to snatch the engagement ring on the motherfucking carousel which is going to be full of Henry-headed horses and soundtracked with music box versions of Pierce the Veil and Emarosa songs.
And the food will be grilled cheese and more grilled cheese and 12 different ice cream shops with all the weird flavors! LAVENDER EVERYWHERE.
Oh man, I’m getting so excited for the grand opening of my future amusement park! It’ll probably just be called GET STOKED.
