Oh Honestly, Erin » tweets

tweets said what?

Tuna Tar-Tart — Fri, 16 Jul 2010 14:33:49 +0000

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

14:38 Naked without my Olson twin sunglasses. Squinting like a fucking mole. #
14:40 Going back to the Butler County Fair. Double rainbow all the way! #
16:49 OMG I SAW KIRK AND ANDREW #
19:26 Henry loses all value of the dollar at the fair. I wish I could fiscally unclench long enough to do the same. #
19:27 Just want to say a solid thank you to Alisha for pointing out all th deformaties at the fair today. #
19:52 Just had to have a convo with a mom AND NOW SHE IS SITTING WITH US WHAT. #
19:53 And she just very passively bummed a cigarette from Alisha. She’s said “yinz” 12x so far. #
20:00 Lol mom convo twitpic.com/2478f4 #
20:10 Now my brother Corey and his gf are here encouraging the awkwardness. #
21:56 Goodbye Butler County Fair, you sexy double rainbow bitch. #
22:29 A difference btwn Chooch & me: he wants to rip his event wristband off ASAP upon departure; I wear mine til it disinte grates, then I cry. #
23:08 My Warped Tour photos, if anyone gives a shit: www.flickr.com/photos/rowdyruby/sets/72157624451547564/ #
23:55 It’s against Henry’s religion to laugh at anything I say or write. But he will always laugh every time I fall down the steps. #
11:15 Chooch just made me put earplugs in his ears so he can go upstairs to use the bathroom while Henry is vacuuming. Issues. #
11:23 I found my first ever Internet friend, circa 1998, on Facebook and I think my ecstatic message creeped her out. #
11:49 Being in Hartford with properly fitted pants, a girl can dream. #
13:05 Pissed ppl off at a red light; apparently they don’t appreciate the soul splitting screams of Miss May I. :( #
13:22 A super old lady just plopped down next to me on a bench & I’m fighting the urge to stop breathing. #
13:23 OH SHE TOTALLY FARTED WHEN SHE STOOD UP TO LEAVE WTF WHY ME. #
13:34 At Panera with a girl I haven’t seen in 14 years. Amazing. #
17:08 In catching up with Jessy, she asked if I’m still “really clumsy.” Yes, and my clumsiness comes in new flavors now too. #
17:14 And then I cried while telling her about Warped Tour. Slap me. #
20:05 Yo, it’s a BLOG BASH, double rainbow all the way!: Hi! Apparently this is a Blog Bash! I’m not very social in the … bit.ly/dbtadb #
20:26 Fran on Hell’s Kitchen looks like she’s a Seth MacFarlane creation. #
20:29 Wish I was there, so badly:( RT @VansWarpedTour The sky looks rad! twitpic.com/24j2pc #
20:48 I’m so much of a loser, I’m a looser. #
23:55 The Phil Mickelson Rolex commercial is SO INTENSE OMG. (Like a double rainbow, but you knew that.) #
01:02 Almost made it a full day sans fighting, but Captain Callous had to go & make a dickhead comment at the midnight hour. WOOHOO! #
01:06 In the market for water retardant pillowcases. #
01:51 Captain Callous apologized. Thank you for mediating, Twitter. Send the bill to @awoodhick. #
10:55 My signed Chiodos poster has been rolled up on the fireplace mantle for over 3 years now. Maybe I should get that framed before I die. #
12:55 Ditto RT @davidlasseter Now I’m depressed RT @snelldarcie: *sigh* still Sidney Crosby number of days until Hockey season starts. #
21:31 Anyone want to adopt either me or my 4-year-old son? Quite positive we can’t live together anymore. #
23:38 Chooch just confessed to knocking something over earlier w/ his ball, then promptly began to snore. #
03:52 My Top 3 Weekly #lastfm artists: Emarosa (20), House vs. Hurricane (4) and We Came As Romans (3) #lastfm bit.ly/cShGmp #
15:29 Can’t wait to get to work! Can’t wait to get to work! Can’t wait to get to work! #
15:32 Unfortunately, I can usually still hear Chooch’s big mouth reverberating inside my skull for the 1st two hours of work. I need a gin bath. #
00:25 I’m watching Pretty Little Liars without Henry. He’s gonna be so sad-faced. #
01:24 It’s like no one told Piper Perabo that this shit she does is being shown in theaters and on TV, not a high school stage. #
10:44 Steaming hot pavement of cemetery > the gym. Except I’m always expecting to see a zombie baby in Chooch’s carseat when I leave. #
13:15 I have had to make so many non-Henry phone calls today that my soul hurts. How did I ever function pre-email and text? #
13:16 Also, I can’t wait to NOT have an iPhone. Blackberries win. #
15:25 Blogathon 2010!: It’s that time of year, you guys! Blogathon time! This year, the masterminds behind the official … bit.ly/a932DJ #
18:24 Good thing i only needed the one eye to work tonight. Just the one. #
23:51 It’s kind of hard for my birthday to suck this year when Jersey Shore 2 premieres on its eve. #
12:20 I could really use a good Lisa hang-out. #
14:17 Chooch is setting up his room for a zombie cookout. Not sure if he’s expecting zombie guests or if they’re going on the grill. #
14:44 Chooch came into my room & said “Present for Erin Kelly.” I’ve never heard him say my full name before; having an odd moment now.
14:51 When I start my own village under the train trestle, we’ll all be victorious. And probably a little malnourished.
15:45 Today I learned that Chooch doesn’t like guys who walk into gas stations with no shirt on, & he’ll say it to your face too.
17:56 I could be doing so much better than this.
19:41 All it takes is one “Hi there” & I’m practically falling out of my chair.
21:52 I cried during The Hills finale. DON’T HATE. No, go ahead–you can hate.
23:49 Set n Lift looks like way too much work for me. Sort of like Strap Perfect. And getting a bowl of cereal.
10:32 Henry and I are on our way to meet with someone and he goes, “She’s going to smell like patchouli isn’t she?” What the fuck, Henry.
10:44 Maybe someday Emarosa will stop making my heart feel like it’s wrapped in barbed wire. Like maybe when I’m dead.
11:50 Me: I want something large and iced. Henry: a broken arm? Yes Henry, just don’t forget the straw.
12:02 They collect old ppl RT @drosennhl I just spoke with Mike Babcock and he’s convinced that Mike Modano will sign with the Red Wings
12:08 Sorry Henry. Circa Survive can’t come to my city without me going. They’re my top 5. Prepare for tickets to be bought.
16:24 If this was the best decision then why do I feel like shit.
18:57 I was just served warm cherry pie smothered in whipped cream for dinner. My day just got much better.
20:10 When I grow up, I hope I find something to do for a living.
21:07 It’s awesome to leave and realize you have nowhere to go. Sitting alone at Brookline Park if anyone wants to come stab me.
21:20 At least there’s a nice breeze out here. TRYING TO BE POSITIVE OK.
21:21 Seriously, no local murderers read my tweets? What a letdown.
22:01 Patiently waiting for Henry to finish my new blog layout. I say “patiently” because I have wine & a horror movie to placate me.
23:49 I haven’t made a video of myself stalking someone in almost…FIVE YEARS WHAT THE FUCK?!?!
01:11 Henry broke my blog. I’m trying not to cry. APPARENTLY NOT HARD ENOUGH.

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When tweets lose their bowels

Tuna Tar-Tart — Sun, 11 Jul 2010 03:20:07 +0000

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

15:10 Oh Zipper, my old nemesis. #
16:13 I wonder if Dutch Andrew from Tucson knows that we’ve Imprinted. #
17:47 Some guy yelled GORGEOUS at ME but Alisha said it was about HER and that he was drunk. :( #
17:49 Alisha is just jelis that Kirk the Carnie is in love with me. I snagged me a SUPERVISOR, y’all. #
18:42 Apparently we are partying with John and Jordan tonight. They own ALL THE BOOTHS IN THIS BLOCK. #
18:43 And Jordan was really cute but his sleazy personality killed it for me. Alisha was lapping it up, though. #
19:08 We’re about to watch tractor pulls, whatever that means. Alisha assured me it’s not all that exciting. I’LL DECIDE FOR MYSELF, THANKS. #
19:39 My new ringz0rz. My vampire boyfriend gave it to me. twitpic.com/226z9u #
23:21 That was the longest I’ve ever spent at a county fair, and arguably the best time I’ve had at one. Thanks @saucalisha!! #
***
09:46 Tweeting with no eyes and one ear: Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Pleas… bit.ly/bJ89lc
11:23 Just wondering why holidays are always The Worst Day Ever at my house. #
13:12 Best cemetery workout ever. If I didn’t make up for at least 75% of yesterday’s carnival eats, then I’m clearly doing it wrong. #
15:05 This “relationship” is making my health deteriorate. #
16:04 My Top 3 Weekly #lastfm artists: Emarosa (34), Sleeping With Sirens (7) and Rosaline (2) #lastfm bit.ly/cShGmp #
16:12 .009 seconds into the new Real World and just met Knight, a hockey player from Wisconsin. Hello new favorite. #
16:38 Henry is the most confusing person to date and he’s not even bi-polar like me. This day has been a yoyo, dippin g in and out of Hell. #
16:59 Goofus and Gallant, OhHonestlyErin-style: Remember that old series “Goofus and Gallant” that was in that kid’s mag… bit.ly/cmwd68 #
17:02 The Town Schizo is outside and Chooch is giving everyone inside Eat n Park a play-by-play of her actions. SHE’S CROSSING THE STREET, GUYS! #
17:05 Listening to old people order at restaurants is pretty amazing. They’re very specific and MEAN about it. And have annoying ring tones. #
17:26 Dick Dale just came on at Eat n Park but god forbid anyone should hear it over my son’s enormous set of lungs. #
17:39 Pretty sure the old next lady next to us just barked to the waitress: “And I don’t want no Texas toast cuz that gives me a brown rash!” #
21:11 Oh great. If You Really Knew Me: a new MTV series destined to act as my new summer downer. #
21:56 One of my talents is referencing The Real World during serious moments/when people least expect it. #
22:07 Henry just put an end to 10 years of my voyeurism by installing proper blinds on our front window. He’s ruining my life!!! #
23:57 Just realized all those hours ago, I meant “exhibitionism” not “voyeurism.” That’s what I get for paraphrasing something HENRY said. #
***
01:00 Weird. I was just thinking I could go for some Dan Fogelberg… #
09:04 I fell asleep on the couch, glasses-clad, & Henry took a pic. I’m posting it so he can’t h old it over my head. twitpic.com/22ntn5 #
09:19 It’s only going to be 96 degrees for #WarpedTour on Wednesday, no biggie. #
09:53 Charity has been chosen, just waiting for the #Blogathon site to get launched and that’s all you’ll be hearing of for the next month. #
10:38 Chooch is telling me a story and at one point he goes, “I was like, ‘WHAT’.” #
11:21 My friend Francesco showed me this b/c it reminds us of someone, LOLOL // WOW Gangsta Threatens Ex-GuildiesVideo brk.to/wowgangsta #
11:45 Nice ‘stache. twitpic.com/22p0g0 #
12:24 I will never stop hating this pink hai red Lazytown twat. I’m going to start sending her hate mail. It’ll be awesome. #
12:37 Yesterday at dinner, I told Chooch he can’t just bark orders at the waitress. He looked at me like I was retarded & said, “Uh, yes I CAN.” #
14:36 Henry just single-handedly made the longest day even longer. Fucker. #
16:02 I would honest to god rather be at work right now than sweating in an un-air conditioned house with a bratty 4yo. Closest thing to hell. #
18:19 What kind of 45 year old reject locks his keys in a truck. The motherfucking Henry kind. #
19:22 Why do all the disorderlies come up to my house? Why? #
19:28 Hey it’s not so bad when you sit in front of the fan while wearing wet clothes. #
22:28 Alisha just showed me some weird blood clot she acquired from one of the rides on Saturday & I can’t stop laughing. OH NO PEE DROPS. #
***
00:48 Hey @ObsidianOffing & @jmp25! Just found Tina on Facebook. Let the nightmares commence. :( #
10:29 Constantly surrounded by unoriginality. Think your own thoughts or get the fuck out. #
11:14 My Top 3 Weekly #lastfm artists: Emarosa (34), Sleeping With Sirens (7) and Rosaline (2) #lastfm bit.ly/cShGmp #
11:22 It’s @mrsevils’s birthday! She’s a zombie expert, Barbie bloodifier, & all-around hot broad! Happy birthday, lady! Hope it’s excellent! #
11:30 Chooch, just now: “It’s ALWAYS tomorrow! I HATE tomorrow!” Apparently I put things off til tomorrow too often for his liking. #
12:50 I should apparently be content to be stuck at home all day w/ a wild child. Better than being stuck w/ him in a septic tank I guess. #
15:08 Big Butler Fair, Part 1: The Caterpillar: The last time I went to the Big Butler Fair was probably the summer of 2… bit.ly/cnSFkt #
15:33 I just honestly shed a tear thinking about how happy I’m going to be tomorrow. Unless there’s a vivisection in my future. #
16:39 For the 1st time in 3 weeks, I’ve been able to partake in convos at work w/o acting like a deaf schizo! #
16:52 I like how all these attys are like HOW WAS YR WEEKEND as a preface for diving into their own rich account of holiday festivities. #
***
07:51 Seriously sprung out of bed. IT’S MY DAY! #
10:04 WARPED TOUR!! We’re here!! Henry is staring longingly at the drop-off lot. #
10:05 Henry’s observations so far: 1. Some ppl don’t look good in scene clothes. 2. These could all be his kids. #
10:12 Only in the parking lot and i’m officially crying, I’m so happy. #warpedtour #
13:01 Just handed the schedule to Henry and said, “Is there anything you’d like to see?” He looked at me like I was retarded. :( #
13:17 Me and Mister Miserable. twitpic.com/238xhl #
14:20 Five minutes into Polar Bear Club aaaaand Henry’s asleep. I dunno how he does it. So far no fighting today, though! #warpedtour #
15:23 I love how I can say “Look, Wes is here!” and Henry knows I’m talking about The Real World. #
16:16 Pierce the Veil just reminded me why I do this every year. Cried thru the whole set. #
17:26 Never have I been so excited over frozen Minute Maid. #
***
09:29 Yay. Back to frustration and chest pains. You know, the norm. #
11:23 I feel hungover. The amount of alcohol I imbibed yesterday equals ZERO. Worst part of Warped Tour is going back to reality. #
12:08 I like it when Henry is on staycation. He gets me lavendar white chocolate iced coffee! #
12:26 Pretty sure I liked summer better when I was kid because I had central air, a pool & played tennis inside a freezing club. Fuck being poor #
13:08 Warped Tour sneak peek: Vic Fuentes from Pierce the Veil, fuck yeah. I haven’t even come close to collecting all m… bit.ly/aB4Zvk #
14:09 Just watched my son chase some guy down the sidewalk, trying to dump a cup of water on him; I’m too tired to care right now. #
14:50 I was gonna say, “Hey! It’s a miracle! I’m not wearing stripes!” but then I remembered my pants are pin-striped. I just really like stripes. #
15:14 I’m having fun with #formspringme. Create an account and follow me at formspring.me/ohhonestlyerin #
17:22 My brain refuses to believe that lavendar is spelled lavender. #
18:08 Yay this will bump up my obnoxious level by at least 5 pts! twitpic.com/23kkza #
18:15 Today at work, we discussed “curlies” for a good fifteen minutes. And I do mean pubes. #
***
00:02 #SYTYCD results show #%^#}{** Henry and I are in tears. #
00:25 I want to be the double rainbow guy for Halloween. #
09:12 My ability to do crunches in the cemetery has been marred by my co-worker’s irrational fear of zombies. #
10:44 I CANT FUCKING RELY ON ANYONE. #
11:37 HAY MAYBE PETTING ANIMALS WILL HELP #
11:50 Just strolling along with glass in my shoe, like any other Friday. #
11:54 Chooch and I would not be very good farmers. Not even for a day. #
14:00 About to blow the roof off my house. #
14:25 Today is kinda hard. #
16:19 A good conversation to walk in on is one about Oreos. Not as good as snuff films, but it’ll do. #
18:35 Emailing lawyers to tell them they’re wrong may be one of my least savory job duties. My natural instinct wants to battle them in a ring. #
19:36 The only way a story that starts out “Last time I saw Nickelback” is gonna be good is if the ending is “& I shot Chad Kroger in the cock.” #
19:39 & yes, I just squirmed during someone’s account of a Nickelback concert, in case you were wondering. & they are so not HARDCORE, I’m sorry. #
19:40 Woo! This day might be tied with the day that I tried to eat my arm. IT IS THAT FANTASTIC. #
22:02 I would comment on blogs way more often if it didn’t require me to spell jibberish while jacking off priests inside fiery hoops. #
23:35 Big Butler Fair Part 2: Kirk vs Andrew + awkward soup slurping: [This may have been written by someone drunk off w… bit.ly/a65nUX #
***
00:50 Circa Survive got name-dropped for like an entire minute on the last episode of “Pretty Little Liars” WTF . #
01:57 I get so excited talking about music and Henry just sits there and tousles his hair. Probably thinking of all his shows on the CW. #
09:34 I may need some sort of Warped Tour detox. The first few post-Warped days are so somber that I’m onsidering finding another date to go to. #
09:40 Idea! Let’s line up Miley Cyrus, Katy Perry & maybe Bieber depending on how I feel, & shoot them all in the throat. Bellinis afterward. #
10:54 Picking fights with me is a great way to start the weekend! I enjoy laying in bed with chestpains! Let’s make today as fantastic as Friday! #
11:12 A hug would be nice. (Autospell originally wantdd hug to be HIV, which would have given a whole new meaning to how I feel.) #

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Tweeting with no eyes and one ear

Tuna Tar-Tart — Sun, 04 Jul 2010 13:38:48 +0000

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

14:36 There’s no listing in the Yellow Pages for gaydar repair. Motherbitch. #
15:44 Me: which team does the blue guy belong to? Henry: yeah, that’s the ref. I did not know that. #
15:48 Whoever coined the phrase “being dicked around” must’ve been a lez b/c literally being dicked around feels better than having plans blown #
16:26 I do believe I’m gaining a reputation with all the area eye doctors. #
17:03 It’s surprising America hasn’t tried to abolish soccer. Something we’re not good at?!?! THEN NO ONE CAN ENJOY IT! #
17:59 Alisha, on wearing the same contacts I got at my eye appt: wasn’t that a mth ago? Me: 4 wks. Alisha: last time I checked that’s a month. #
21:04 Sitting in a BP parking lot, looking like a creep. There, I did my part. Fuck the oil menstruation! #
***
02:00 Spent the last few hrs drinking wine outside w/ Mose like a real adult, & engaged in convo so awesome I didn’t have time to tweet. WHAT. #
02:03 Apparently i’m “such a crybaby” for puckering my mouth after Henry served me a bowl of the tartest fruit this side of the Bunny Ranch. #
09:55 Tried to eat cereal while wearing my glasses. My chin, cleavage & person I keep chained under the computer desk thanked me for breakfast. #
13:51 Just learned that Chooch walked past a transvestite yesterday & said “Thats not a GIRL.” Seeing Chooch in my heels just now reminded Henry. #
14:09 <3 Kellin Quinn so much today. #
15:13 Henry just suggested I make a CD full of all the songs that make me want to die so he can see what happens when I get to the end. #
15:34 ATTENTION! THERE IS A RED PONTIAC PARKED OVER THE YELLOW LINES! DON’T WORRY! NEIGHBOR RUTH WILL GET TO THE BOTTOM OF IT! #
15:48 I guess seeing Chooch in my heels earlier is what spawned Henry to dress him in a wife beater & camo shorts. Now he looks like a Chino thug. #
16:51 Asked H enry why our kid can’t just be normal but then realized what a retarded question that was. #
17:57 Henry’s having an impromptu cookout, lecturing Alisha and me about the intricacies of grilling. twitpic.com/20jxwg #
18:11 Hot Naybor Chris is assisting some stoned guy jump his car. Henry’s weener shrinks a little each time someone else gets to be a hero. #
19:10 My Top 3 Weekly #lastfm artists: Pierce the Veil (14), Keyshia Cole (2) and We Are the In Crowd (1) #la stfm bit.ly/cShGmp #
20:23 Tonight: 1 pick-up game of #thingieball, 2 feuding 4yo’s, 8 hobo boots worth of sweat, & tons of neighbor-watching. (AKA spying.) #
23:45 Having flashbacks to when I was nearly gang-raped by 20 squirrels at the cemetery today. Harrowing, to put it lightly. #
23:47 As opposed to putting it heavily, which next time i will once I learn how to attach cinderblocks & Oprah’s scooped-out boob fat to tweets. #
***
10:31 Goddamn Kennywood bit.ly/daIjB5 #
10:55 Asked Chooch if he thinks our cat Marcy is pretty and he said, “Not really. She looks just like evil.” #
11:41 This is how i dressed in 1999, only sometimes I wore pants: ow.ly/i/2iUn #
15:15 Oh, every single day before April 25, 2006, how I miss thee. #
15:22 An Un-Ironic Post Card: P1010028, originally uploaded by appledale. My friend Mose came over Saturday night to dri… bit.ly/aZxgWi #
17:52 The winner of the photo contest gets a night’s stay in a hotel in PA & I’m like, “yes plz get me the fuck out of my house.” #
18:46 Did not get to see my crush today but the ni ght is still kind of going fast. I seriously expected to be dumped with tar for typing that. #
20:19 This is me begging: So today I submitted a photo to some Visit PA Facebook contest. Naturally, there are only two … bit.ly/a5Bmfa #
20:36 Was just successfully convinced by a lawyer here to go to a doctor. She had me at “tubes in the ear.” #
21:48 When it come to keeping my pants on in this house, i’m in the minority. #
***
00:44 Wasn’t expecting to love Daybreakers. #
11:05 The first step really is the hardest. I hope I’m doing the right thing. #
12:37 Sometimes the best remedy really is slapping on headphones (not that earbud bullshit) & listening to screamo. (Real screamo.) #
13:08 I hate when I record the local news because an eye witness makes me laugh uncontrollably, but Henry doesn’t think it’s funny. #
15:09 I’m really tired of feeling like my heart is going to explode EVERY DAY before I leave for work. Every day. #
15:11 This made me LOL: RT @scottheisel Way to go, Spin, part two: This *definitely* isn’t Bryce Avary of @therocketsummer: bit.ly/cBWMwg #
15:13 What business does shitty Spin magazine have writing about Warped Tour. Leave that to @altpress. #
16:15 Aw man. Why does the ringing in my ear today sound like Clay Aiken impersonating dolphins? #
18:53 Oh, how awkward. Or I should say: Oh, how usual. #
19:20 I must REALLY have lost my touch if I’m asking HENRY for flirting tips. #
23:58 Nilka on Hell’s Kitchen looks so much like (a black) Christina I nearly can’t watch.Sorry for yr misfortune Nilka. twitpic.com/21539o #
***
00:12 If you’re pissed like me that ABC’s Happy Town is getting screwed, you’ll enjoy this: bit.ly/haplinmagicman #
08:49 Hey, let’s talk about my glasses.: Don’t worry, I only let him wear theses for >10 seconds, for fear of his eyebal… bit.ly/c5stMb #
10:33 So not hot eno ugh today in the cemetery. How will I collapse from heat exhaustion?? #
11:19 I just spoke to a cop without it ending in a torrent of cursing and the threat of arrest. WTF. #
12:20 Let’s for a minute pretend that I’m a sweet virgin prairie girl. …. Yeah, I’m bored with that now, too. #
12:29 Nothing like a friendly sprint to the front door with my son, loser gets locked out. #
13:48 When I’m outside with 12 neighborhood kids dripping off me like pigs blood on Carrie, you can just call me Miss Erin. #
14:05 I’m in child Hell. Where are all the par ents? & I’m pretty sure I’m now an official MILF thanks to the googoo eyes I’m getting from a 10yo. #
15:35 Henry’s guess for the band i’m listening to: Silence Is Better Than This. ;( #
15:39 One more week til my Christmas Day. My belly does somersaults every time I think about it! #
18:16 Just spent the last 10min talking about & watching YouTube videos of Nancy Kerrigan’s WHYYYY & cracking up with my boss & Barb. #
20:46 I’m sitting alone downtown waiting for my ride when some guy walked toward me, fast & with purpose. I almost peed. Then he smiled & said hi. #
20:47 Erin lives to see another day! #
***
10:22 I love it when I get emails from Vistaprint, telling me what I deserve. #
11:10 A Conversation with a Cop: It’s not really an unknown fact that I frequent several of the cemeteries around Pittsb… bit.ly/dkOYwo #
12:29 Oh yay, now there’s a new kid out here for me to watch. #
13:31 Goodbye, Sarge. You’ll always be a Penguin to me. #NHL #
13:35 July 1 never fails to be a one-two punch of heartache and excitement. #NHL #
13:40 Whoever bought Chooch this scooter is a fucking bastard. #
14:04 Apparently my “block babysitter” woes aren’t important enuf for Henry to take seriously. I HAD A STRESSFUL DAY CHASING BALLS INTO TRAFFIC. #
14:40 I really am not a fan of children. #
16:25 I just had a 1 minute convo with a co-worker and didn’t hear a word she said. Being half deaf is fantastic! #
17:59 I don’t know what’s worse: being flashed by the annoying 50yo coworker or being assaulted by the converted 1980s pantsuit she has on today. #
18:06 Honestly, I got no game with the ladies. This is just sad. #
18:3 1 Oh with the rate tonight is going, combined with my feverish giddiness, my composure is gonna be more blown than Kate Moss’s nose. #
19:39 I’m still trying to figure out what’s so shocking about Craig Owens signing to Decaydance. Like that couldn’t be seen a mile away. #
21:21 That was a confusing elevator ride that couldn’t end soon enough/ended much too soon. I’m home now, ready to bury my face in a pillow. #
22:55 I wish the rest of Jonny Craig would hurry up and mature like his voice has. Shit. #
23:25 I Still Feel Her pts 1-4 could very well be the biography of my 20s. #
***
01:21 OH SHIT NEW DEGRASSI EPS STARTING JULY 19, WHAT. #
10:55 Either my glasses are windows into the Netherworld, or I’m suffering eye trauma. #
12:48 One way to REALLY frustrate my son is by not playing Zombies correctly. He hates me and my incompetence right now. OMG HALP. #
13:35 Chooch literally chased the UPS man down the street, yelling WHERE’S MY TOY, DUMBASS? I’m like “dude, you gotta ORDER it 1st.” #
13:44 Inexplicably, my 4 year old is very concerned with the whereabouts of Kurt Vonnegut’s dead body. #
16:25 We’re both wearing purple today! OMG. A true sign for sure. #
17:35 I look like I belong in a Mark Ryden painting today. #
18:57 That may have been my most dramatic paper cut to date. #
19:08 Shit that makes summer suck : This photo has nothing to do with anything. You may continue. You know what I hate… bit.ly/bwxXyK #
20:56 Didn’t get to leave work early as expected but got a really fantastic ice cream sandwich & hit on outside my building. #
21:57 Just shivered w/ anticipation at the thought of spending all day tmw without my child, who’s currently actin’ a dick.. THANK YOU, ALISHA! #
***
01:02 I AM SO GIDDY AT MARK’S WITH ALISHA AND TELLING THEM ABOUT MY CRUSH AND ITS RIDICULOUS. help. #
01:12 Alisha had a food day. I don’t know what that means, because everyday is a food day for me, but she said it 5x so I guess it’s a big deal. #
01:19 Now we’re talking about chandeliers. Because Mark is gay. #
09:18 En route to the doctor, motherfucker. #
09:29 Oh my god I’m in the waiting room and now I’m stuck here because they have my license. There’s NO TURNING BACK. #
09:53 Hopefully I’ll be able to hear again soon. Partial deafness makes me paranoid & slightly more awkward. Makes for weird work situations. #
10:12 Every one I talk to here looks at me like I’m a freak. I’m just a little overdramatic when it comes to my health, I guess. #
10:42 I CAN HEAR AGAIN! #
13:33 OMG BUTLER COUNTY FAIR! #
13:33 We haven’t been here for 15min and Alisha already cracked her collarbone. #
14:17 I’m religious now! #
14:22 Alisha, regarding my want of a caricature: But I don’t think they’ll be able to get your head any bigger than it already is. (Its true.) #

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tweeting from a fish bowl

Tuna Tar-Tart — Sat, 26 Jun 2010 13:41:27 +0000

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

16:14 Here to report that we’re the only crackers at this graduation party. #
16:51 Some early 90s r&b up in this joint. I’m half-crocked off jello shots & Seagrams. OH SHIT THIS IS HOW WE DO IT! #
17:06 Toya’s boyfriend just said, “It was the jello shot that took you there.” #
17:24 BO MB POTATO SALAD YA’LL. #
19:12 Just spent the last hour in the rain, some of which was watching Henry pretend to be Bobby Flay in hopes of impressing Neighbor Mark. #
19:40 I was about a mile away and still heard Toya say it was time for cake. BEEN WAITING ALL DAY. #
20:21 I’m glad Chooch has given me 26 reminders of his age today, all in varying degrees of tantrums. Boy, can’t you see I’m trying to party? #
21:23 Crabby Ruth went back in the house so I’ve rejoined the party and some broad is mixing me a white Russian. Holla. #
21:25 Her name is Peaches, the one liquoring me up. #
***
10:16 OMG PTV #
12 :03 90 degrees and Chooch is wearing a knit cap to Kennywood. #
12:15 Henry is ruining Father’s Day for me!! #
12:28 Chooch had a dream we were at a haunted house & Blake kicked the crawling guy’s ass. Chooch adds music to his stories now, btw. #
14:11 Chooch’s reaction to getting drenched on the Raging Rapids: Oh, FUCK THIS. #
14:44 Today is another shining reminder that I wasn’t meant to be a mother. #
15:53 I wish I could find a way to cram this entire day into a cadaver and fuck its asshole with a blowtorch. #
16:03 $87 to walk around in circles while my kid decides he’s too scared to ride every single ride here -far from priceless. #
17:02 I’m not keeping my hands inside. You can’t tell me. twitpic.com/1yjuf7 #
18:27 Free to OK home. twitpic.com/1yki1o #
18:55 Kennywood was completely ruined for me today. I hate four year olds. #
19:43 My Top 3 Weekly #lastfm artists: Keyshia Cole (2), Pierce the Veil (2) and We Are the In Crowd (1) #lastfm bit.ly/cShGmp #
22:31 The new Pierce the Veil makes me involuntarily say “ouch.” Sickening how heart-breakingly good it is. #
23:16 I just don’t care who knows what anymore, is what it is. #
23:41 Now go bring me my brandy! (The kind in a glass, not the one chained up in my closet.) #
***
09:16 Everything’s Cuter When It’s Miniature: …except maybe bank accounts and Andre the Giant. One of my past customers … bit.ly/9ffGSF #
09:38 Nursing post-Kennywood wounds. Chooch’s are of the flesh; mine are on my psyche. #
09:47 My suggestion of Wimbeldon was quickly vetoed once Chooch realized there were no zombies on the court. #
09:52 Nothing like some Diary of the Dead after our morning bagel. Chooch wishes Jason was in this movie so he could kill these asshole zombies. #
11:53 Henry finally realized that the more often I get to go on cemetery runs, the less bitchy phone calls he gets. Concessions have been made. #
12:45 Mini Blake. twitpic.com/1yrqtu #
17:41 A bottle of champagne is literally being passed around the office. This place fucking rules. #
18:07 Oh thank god – I was worried I wasn’t going to get to see the cascading breasts of someone’s grandma today. But I did, don’t worry. I did. #
22:42 Space, what’s that. #
***
10:57 Peep Show at The Law Firm: Everything was quiet and calm yesterday at The Law Firm, until G came waltzing over to … bit.ly/bQPpH1 #
12:47 When Vic sings “I just wanted one dance with you,” it feels like my heart is coming out of my mouth. FUCK. #
13:59 Chooch is stand ing stockstill in the front yard, clad in his Jason hockey mask, staring at passers-by. #
15:32 The girl at the McDonald’s window will sleep well tonight knowing that my 4-year-old thinks she’s a bitch. #
16:32 HOLD UP! I just graciously accepted a compliment about my writing with no trace of self-deprecation. This may not have ever happened before. #
18:11 I have really inexplicable taste in women. Men too, when you consider Henry. Oh ho ho. #
19:50 God, they keep wanting me to learn new things here at The Law Firm. What do I look like, their employee? #
19:58 It was fun at first, but having new responsibilities dumped on me is getting old. Now when will I find the time to make fun of mommy blogs?! #
***
01:12 Henry just sat thru 2 episodes of Pretty Little Liars. Dunno what’s more pathetic – that, or the fact that I’m the one who DVRd it. #
09:16 OMG it’s Sammie! LOLOLOLOL. #
09:51 RT @snoopdogg: Sidney Crosby #87 from Pittsburgh Penguins & Captain of Team Canada what ya know about gold medals twitpic.com/1z5fda #
11:15 @satanmetalady she’s friends w/ Christina &her sister; my b log stats show her LJ’s been a referring link to my blog the last few days lol. #
11:39 @GraveDirt They use hidemyass.com – it isn’t working very well for them. And I’d know they were reading no matter what, anyway! #
11:44 Two of my friends tweeted about waiting for the UPS man, 8 seconds apart. Just wanted to get in on that, is all. #
11:50 Whoever told my son it’s OK to dump perfectly good beverages down the drain b/c we’re rich & can just buy more? Say hi to my pipe bomb. #
12:18 Thank you, Chooch, for letting me watch some sports today. I forgot what non-animated television program ming looked like. #
12:30 Peep Show at the Law Firm:: www.ohhonestlyerin.com/archives/5142 #
13:16 If we let Chooch have sugar and caffeine, I doubt I’d be able to send this tweet right now, live from the sanitarium. #
13:32 Brought Chooch out to play with some kids & as usual ended up getting “involved.” I’m not the town play mate, OK?? #
17:00 Word on the street is that my son is mocking a special needs kid on the playground right now. And I am thankfully miles away from it. #
17:02 Henry keeps texting me playground updates & I’m in tears at my desk, praying no one walks by. “Oh nothing, my kid’s just mocking a retard.” #
17:04 My crush just winked at me. #
18:38 July 7 = Warped Tour = Pierce the Veil: Time out. I have some stuff to write about, like neighborly happenings and… bit.ly/96ntvn #
18:52 Oh please, these broads don’t even know the MEANING of burnt popcorn. #
20:18 No one but Ryan Miller deserved the Vezina. you earned it, dude! #nhl #
21:08 Henrik Sedin wins the fucking Hart. Areyoukidding. Pathetic. Only brightside is that it wasn’t Ovechkin. #NHL #
23:05 Seriously, how do you people wear glasses? I’m trying my new ones out & in the span of 3 minutes tripped down the steps &almost passed out. #
23:06 If I sit real still……. #
23:09 That’s it. I’m smashing the lenses out of these & just wearing the frames as an accessory. Fuck vision. #
23:17 Attempted to look down and almost puked. I think I need frames that are more rectangular. Or I could just gouge out my eyes. #
23:44 Switched Twitter apps so hopefully the sporadic repeat-tweets will cease. I still haven’t found an app that I love. #
***
12:44 I think this might be the 9 year anniversary of @awoodhick’s and my supposed one night stand. OH LOOK AT US NOW, WOULDYA. #
14:17 The Christina Chronicles: When Boyfriends & Girlfriends Collide: The thing that made Henry angry about my inaugura… bit.ly/bqqUpA #
13:41 Blake just saved a soccer ball from the jaws of speeding vehicles; hero of the block. #
15:19 Don’t rain on my parade. You can piss in my Wheaties though. I don’t eat Wheaties. #
15:50 Henry just asked, “Is it time for the furry convention already? Because that’s the second girl Ive seen with a tail.” #
16:29 I’m a little worried by the way one of the analysts just told me we’re gonna have a nice Friday night. #
17:41 Capped off a snark remark to a co-worker by nearly falling on my ass. He keeps talking about Karma but I’m thinking Vodka. #
17:45 Seriously? Spellcheck changed “smart” to “snark” in my last tweet and you all know how much I hate that word. Maybe it IS karma. #
20:32 Blake, on walking around downtown with a tail: “I would NOT. That is something i would NOT do.” #
20:34 I got to leave work early! The sun’s still out! I don’t know what to do with myself! (Aside from shielding my eyes.) #
23:43 On my way home from margaritas with @bonecrusher82, I lost my voice & the hearing in my right ear came back. One of the two is a miracle. #
***
00:10 @bonecrusher82 haha or the guy wiping the same part of the wall over and over! #
10:38 I left Chooch home w/ Blake while I went for a cemetery run & not only are they both still alive, there’s no blood & the house still stands. #
12:00 Get ready for the best day of 2010, Henry my love! brizzly.com/pic/2VA5 #
13:41 Seriously considering asking for an earlier shift so I’ll have less time to go through the mom-motions. THIS DOES NOT SUIT ME. #
14:34 Was trying to determine the biggest part of my body when Henry answered for me: my mouth:( #
14:40 Henry switched his bandanna from Blood to Crip. They’re gonna have to disguise his voice on the next episode of Gangland. #
17:41 Makes me feel excited! RT @NHL The stage @ #NHLDraft ready to go at Staples Center in LA-lots of talking going on. twitpic.com/1zx2nx #
18:07 Well I was wrong about the resurgence in audibility of my right ear. It’s either doctor time or time to accept partial deafness. #
22:53 I wish I was capable of giving a shit about tapdance, but it just feels like I’m trying to pass a burning Christmas tree. #
***
00:20 Two fucked eyes, one fucked ear. I’m doing fantastic. Absobitchin’ fantastic. #
10:30 Hey boyyyyyyy. I predict today is gonna be a good day. Despite the fact I couldn’t make oatmeal because my housewife didn’t buy milk. #
10:43 I wonder if Henry would notice if he came home to one less son. #
11:46 Trying to type while w earing my glasses, but when I look down, my hands look like they could have belonged to Jon Benet Ramsay. #
12:14 Goddamn Kennywood: Hey, what do we do around here for Mother’s Day? Nothing. What do we do for Father’s Day? Oh, s… bit.ly/b2g6ke #
12:51 While cleaning the garage, Henry found his wedding video! Who wants to come watch it?? Maybe do some speedballs in Big Ds honor? #
13:27 On hold with my eye doctor, got to hear the tail end of Firefall’s “You Are the Woman,” flute flourish & all. Definitely a good day! #

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tweetin’ on up the family tree

Tuna Tar-Tart — Sat, 19 Jun 2010 14:27:06 +0000

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

15:29 Now I get to go throw up in the boneyard. #
15:40 So, Chooch acted like a complete dude around his cousin Brooke. #
16:27 Sitting in traffic with Mama by Genesis playing loudly makes me lose my shit. #
17:11 I think it’s safe to say I’m a cemetery bulimic. #
19:44 If I want replies, I post to Facebook; if I want my thoughts to waft away thru the ether on the wings of crickets, I post to Twitter. #
19:59 My heart sunk as Henry said “William Caplan died” but really it was “Why do u have a cap on yr head?” I don’t even know a William Caplan #
20:00 And I don’t know why I have a cap on my head, other than Chooch put it there 10 minutes ago. Now I wish I had a William Caplan in my life. #
20:01 ….and maybe even on my head. #
22:38 The people who live behind us (in a house, not our assholes) are roasting marshmallows which I can smell. And I think that’s just rude. #
23:10 Im left with no choice but to retaliate with toasted crack from my stove. Who’s jealous now, you s’mores snarfing dildos. #
23:39 I swear I just heard a phantom ESPN Sportscenter hockey text. :( #
***
09:36 My child discovered Henry bought a bunch of ramen noodles & he’s acting like it’s Christmas. I CANT BELIEVE WE HAVE MY FAVORITE NOODLES! #
10:00 I just really want to see my grandma today. It was looking optimistic, but has quickly fucked itself repeatedly with a hot curling iron. #
11:01 In about 5 minutes, I will either be walking into my grandma’s house peacefully, or kicking in the door. Wish me luck. #
11:05 Either way, I’ll be leaving in tears. #
12:59 30 minutes with my grandma is better than 8 months of nothing, I guess. The situation is exhausting. #
13:48 I’m half-hearted about everything today. Arts Festival included, yet somehow I find myself being dragged there. #
14:22 That’s the first time in 14 years I had to talk my way out of going to the Arts Festival. Today has been a brilliant day. So full of LOVE. #
14:27 If June 13, 2010 had a fanpage on Facebook, I’d “like” it just so I could unlike it .0002 seconds later. You’re a prick, Today! #
14:37 What, you don’t have birthday patties? You have birthday PARTIES? Gee willickers, what the fuck are those? #
15:08 This has been such a killer month for new releases. I’ve had a boner for the last three weeks NO LIE I’M A GUY. #
15:39 Watching Chooch walk down the street with Henry to Pgh Popcorn made me tear up. Time for my testosterone shot. #
16:36 My Top 3 Weekly #lastfm artists: Mad at Gravity (2), Call the Cops (2) and Mike Posner & The Brain Trust (2) #lastfm bit.ly/cSh Gmp #
17:22 There is always something wrong with me. My right ear has felt like it has a seashell over it for the last 4 days. Awesome for my balance. #
17:54 Will someone please tell @awoodhick I think I have a fever? He doesn’t seem to CARE ENOUGH to respond to my cries for an infirmary trip. #
19:15 If I was ever kidnapped, I’d tell Twitter first. Henry would probably already know, considering he’d have been the one to arrange it. #
19:20 I’m losing my VOICE NOW. I’d steal @saucalisha’s but hers makes woodland creatures weep:( #
19:31 I love hearing lawyers talk about their vaca plans. OH HELLO, MISTER NOT REALLY. #
21:28 My hand hurts from holding the bowl of soup Henry made me! This is the worst night ever-herererrrrrrrrrrrrrr. #
***
12:18 Been a weird family week: Blake is “living” w/ us now, half-bro contacted me out of the blue, bio-dad’s mom & aunt are visiting today. #
12:19 Not to mention meeting my niece for the first time, plus the Grandma drama. I feel disoriented. This warrants a vaca, I think. #
15:25 It appears I might have another older brother. My dad’s been dead for 27 years yet the surprises keep a’coming. #
15:32 Chooch starts all his stories with “Yeah because…” #
19:32 Why was I crying just then? Just daydreaming about hockey. :( #
21:21 My new roommate Blake brought home mouthwash. #
21:43 Roommate Coloring Hour. twitpic.com/1x4xr5 #
***
09:19 VIDEO OF ME & MY FANTASTIC VOICE, OMG WATCH OR DIE: After yesterday’s heavy entry, I wanted to lighten the mood a … bit.ly/bhbUOp #
09:31 Vic Fuentes is brilliant. Worth the wait. #
10:06 I feel sorry for any song that tries to follow Underminded’s “Who Needs a Bodybag.” #
11:00 Just kicked it at the cem. My sweat stinks of chicken soup. #
12:04 When someone says “I’ll take care of it,” I never believe them, thanks to nine years of Henry not taking care of it. #
12:45 I’m having fun with #formspringme. (Oh, am I?) Create an account and follow me at formspring.me/ohhonestlyerin (Yes, do that.) #
14:16 I came outside and 3 kids instantly glommed onto me. I give good awkward & kids clearly love that. I am in kindercare hell. #
14:47 I’m now the property of a 6-year-old girl. When it was time for me to come inside, she screamed, “BUT I WANT TO PLAY WITH THE BIG GIRL!” Hm. #
***
09:16 If all goes as planned, I should be seeing my older brother today for the first time in 11 years. #
09:32 Chooch & Brooke: The Big Meet-Up bit.ly/deYTFI #
11:40 Oh my god Chooch and my big brother could get in real trouble together. #
11:46 My Grandma Lois keeps thinking my brother is Chooch’s dad and we’re like NO! GROSS! #
14:54 I have a big brother, too!: I haven’t talked to my older brother Shawn (same dad) in about three years and haven’t… bit.ly/bBP32p #
15:12 RT @TSNBobMcKenzie Halak to the St. Louis Blues. Done deal. #
18:19 I want a black forest cake for my birthday. And some dynamite. #
19:44 Today is real special, you know? #
***
00:24 Pretend everytime I entered a room, my arrival was announced through song by that broad in Thuggish Ruggish Bone. #
09:33 When a Neighbor’s Inability to Drive Becomes EVERYONE’S Problem: A few months ago, Hot Naybor Chris’s wife became … bit.ly/awh1cq #
11:39 Honestly thought I was about to be Susie Salmon’d just a bit ago in the cemetery. Maybe all my soupy sweat was the deterrent. #
12:05 Chooch gets glass in his hand when he’s on Henry’s watch. Also, I don’t think anyone should use “exquisite” when talking about donuts. #
13:36 I need more goth friends. #
14:31 Me: This person says I have a “cute blog.” Henry, smirking: That means they didn’t read it. #
14:34 Cross-eyed now from trying to take pictures of myself wearing my asshole-y new glasses while simultaneously wearing contacts. #
14:55 It’s like looking for the perfect penis.: Well. My glasses are here. Yaaayyyy…. I hate them. They’re not big enoug… bit.ly/bJJ2F6 #
19:06 Honestly thought I was about to be Susie Salmon’d just a bit ago in the cemetery. Maybe all my soupy sweat was the deterrent. #
19:39 There’s an attorney here named Giovannelli. I’m taking that as a sign to listen to some Gino Vannelli tonight. NOT THAT I NEED A REASON. #
21:17 I must have missed the memo that said Henry gets to treat me like shit in return for me allowing his son to live with us. #
23:07 Suggested we consummate our love by playing an 11pm game of #thingieball. Henry unsurprisingly de clined. #
***
08:43 #deardad remember when i was 3 & you crashed your truck & died because you were a drug addicted alkie? Fond memory! #
11:20 Perhaps I should start letting someone know exactly what cemetery I’m going to in case I do actually pass out or get kilt one of these days. #
13:25 The Christina Chronicles: The Death Tree: A green and black striped Henley and jeans with a hole in the knee was w… bit.ly/dyIYNn #
13:26 That was super hard to write. Super super hard. #
14:29 Hi Twitter. I just had a long heart-to-heart with my mysterious neighbor and I feel so much better now. #

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tweets. that is all.

Tuna Tar-Tart — Sat, 12 Jun 2010 23:42:07 +0000

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

17:21 Earlier, I was blasting Circle Takes the Square while sitting at a red light, but turned it down as an old lady walked past. GOOD SAMARITAN. #
17:24 HAY PITTSBURGHERS! Stop wishing for the rain to go away. My witch collection hasn’t fully melted yet. Fuck. #
18:56 #itsnotcheatingif you kill your boyfriend/girlfriend first. (Totally a “duh” Tweet, but maybe some of you didn’t know.) #
19:16 Henry just taught me the difference between a sawhorse and a barricade. Just an example of the scintillating car convos we share. #
20:10 Aaaaaaand this is why we don’t take the animal child out to eat. #
20:19 Chooch is pissed off. I know this because he just screamed I’M PISSED OFF from the backseat. #
20:23 I’d like to see K$sha bash in that hag Katy Perry’s face. #
21:39 I just ordered a pair of eyeglasses and am honestly about to puke because of it. #
23:48 When do I get to have a party thrown for ME? Fuck. #
***
00:34 I think Henry missed the memo that told the world Erin hates to be babytalked. #
00:55 I can always count on Silent Library. #
08:46 I’m putting some hawt Xiu Xiu tracks on Henry’s Birthday Party play list. He’s going to be so appreciative. #
10:13 Everyone seems to be in a GREAT mood today! #
11:18 I think my stomach wants to get checked for an ulcer in a decidedly DIY fashion. Henry, grab the steak knife; we’re going in. #
11:54 I’m trying so very hard to let Henry do the things he wants to do today, including watch what he wants to watch on TV OMG IT’S KILLING ME. #
12:26 Henry found out about the 3 Xiu Xiu songs I slipped on his playlist & he made a disapproving face. Way to shit on your bday gift, Hank. #
12:30 OMG Henry shares a birthday w ith @Altpress. I’m fucking jelis. #
13:15 I have a strong desire to watch that old 90s series “Sisters.” #
15:02 MIDLIFE CRISIS: HENRY STYLE. twitpic.com/1ukbs5 #
19:27 My phone was dead for almost the entirety of Henry’s party. Good thing there was literally nothing to tweet about. #
21:34 Henry just showed me the new blog layout he’s been making for me and I could almost kiss him, that’s how much better it is than the current. #
21:34 …and it only took TWO YEARS of my bitching to finally get him to do it. #
21:39 Holy save, Niemi! Go cry about it, Richards! #StanleyCup #
22:12 Henry won’t look at my red eye. That’s just rude. #
23:10 Oh shit. I just asked Henry why he likes his life & he said, “Because you’re in it.” I couldn’t think of anything assholey to say!!! #
***
10:19 I have something really important to announce, but I’m not sure Twitter can handle it. #
10:54 OK. At the risk of bringing Twitter down to its knees, here is my big announcement: I think I have pick eye. Motherfuck. #
10:58 And by pick I mean pink. IT’S AFFECTING MY ALREADY POOR TYPING SKILLZ. #
11:04 Today would be one of those days where eyeglasses might come in handy. But at least i’m no stranger to the one-contact stumble. #
14:21 I don’t know who’s gonna wind up with more emotional scarring in the end: me or my son. Close race. #
15:01 My dream is to someday live in a house with a moat. A trailer in a puddle doesn’t count. #
15:41 My Top 3 Weekly #lastfm artists: Sleeping With Sirens (36), Of Machines (17) and Chiodos (9) #lastfm bit.ly/cShGmp #
17:00 I am a true misfit magnet. #
17:35 I look at these normal ppl wearing their normal ppl eyeglasses and I think, “Why can’t I have that too?” #
20:55 Thought I just saw one of my ex-boyfriends. Which would have been a miracle, considering he’s dead. #
22 :01 Oops. I made Chooch laugh too hard and then I made Henry clean up the vomit that happened. #
22:20 I’m pissed that Drake had to get all selfish & chase his rap career before we got to find out if the experimental surgery worked for Jimmy. #
22:21 If you understood my last tweet, I’m sorry. #
23:21 The 5yo girls in our local Memorial Day Parade dance better than Katy Perry. Her MTV movie award performance was as bad as predicted. #
***
11:56 Chooch & I just came home from a lunch date with Kara & Harland, & managed to not suffer any trauma/public humiliation. Success! #
13:19 First, Chooch and I had a lunch date. Now we’re doing yoga. Is he my son or my bestie? I guess both. #
14:59 My first ever Somnambulant Cupcake Couple wedding cake topper! Custom request for a return customer. twitpic.com/1v39ct #
15:57 I JUST RODE THE ELEVATOR WITH LLLLLASTTTT MAILL!!!!!! #
17:19 Last night I dreamt that there was a contest to win a chance to go to the county fair with me. No one entered. #
19:06 Entirely too often, I feel like Pee Wee having a Big Adventure. #
***
10:47 In my last dream, I pissed off a gaggle of protesters. Some were wearing gas masks. They broke into my house and stole Cure memorabilia. :( #
14:09 I really don’t think door-slamming should officially start until after the 13th birthday, but I don’t have much room to talk. #
15:26 I’m wearing a sweater in June & still shivering. But if it were typical June weather, u can bet I’d complain about that too. It’s how I do. #
16:32 I like how I’m the office weather reporter, since I’m coming in right before everyone else leaves. “Do I need a coat? An umbrella?” #
18:05 What do I do for the proverbial bacon? Babysit lawyers all night, no bigs. #
18:14 & you’d think it’d be a big upgrade from FedEx drivers, but the only difference is the drama-dumps are in couture cloth diapers, not Pampers #
18:54 AHAHAH I just got a reminder that it’s Christina’s, of The Christina Chronicles fame, birthda y. Have a shitty birthday, cunt. #
19:55 Dried papaya. That is all. No wait! Three paperclips. That is all I need to murder the hooker I plan on buying tonight. #
20:13 Every night, Twitter spontaneously reposts a tweet I made hours ago. What bastards. #
20:47 Christ, Byfuglien has been huge in the playoffs. Go #Blackhawks! Make the #Flyers cry in front of their bastard fans. #StanleyCup #
21:12 The Flyers absolutely disgust me. #
21:27 BULLSHIT. Bullshit bullshit bullshit. BUT WAIT, #BLACKHAWKS SCORE ANYWAY! MY HEART, IT YO-YOS! #stanleycup #
22:18 Come on, #Blackhawks. I’m missing the Real World-Road Rules Challenge finale so you better hoist that bastard Cup. #
22:19 Shut up, Pierre. #
22:37 The Hossa curse continues. #StanleyCup #
23:08 FUCKING HELL YEAH #BLACKHAWKS!!!!!! #
23:17 Ten minutes later, Blake goes, “Wait. They just won the Stanley Cup? THIS WAS THE PLAYOFFS???!!!!” #
23:18 This might get me lynched, but I cried a little (good tears) when Toews handed the Cup to Hossa. #
***
00:30 Not sure what’s more annoying: Chooch being awake at 12:30am, or Henry yelling at Chooch for being awake at 12:30. About to Benadryl MYSELF. #
10:37 Dear Ma, Threw up my Cheerios in the cemetery. Don’t worry: It didn’t get on anyone this time. #
12:13 Chooch just said that he’s “so pissed off” because SYTYCD is making me cry. #
12:39 Now Chooch is even MORE pissed because SYTYCD is still making me cry while he’s TRYING TO READ THE PENNYSAVER, GODDAMMIT. #
14:41 I love it when Henry falls asleep while I’m talking to him. Makes me feel good, like important and shit. #
14:44 Oh hay, guess who dropped a pant size? OK I’ll just tell you: THIS BROAD. Must be from all the pukin’. #
14:52 Hay look @ the dumb! OH SHIT, I found all these old pictures from some rickety mall parking lot carnival Henry and… bit.ly/b97wO3 #
15:31 Oh shit, I kind of feel like I want pearls. What’s wrong with me?! (Aside from the fact that I’ve always idolized those Dynasty broads.) #
21:40 Mia Michaels’ hair is growing back so I might have to b e hot for her again. #
21:44 The problem with Chooch’s hairstyle is that when it’s not in a faux hawk, he just looks like Gummo. #
***
09:28 Just wasted precious moments of my life miming the process of Henry buying cat food. To my cats. They’re glaring at me next to empty bowls. #
11:44 Henry hasn’t returned w/ the food yet & my cats are DYING OF HUNGER. Sarah MacLachlan’s “Angel” plays everwhere they drag their fat bellies #
13:00 Ooooh, hot sugar-cured ham, you know I mean business when I trade out obscenities fro DELI MEATS. #
13:07 A guy used to follow me on here& correct all my typos. His weener woulda shrunk if he saw that I left a “y” out of “everywhere” 2 tweets ago #
13:08 And used fro instead of for! Mama’s on a hot ass pastrami roll on this day! #
13:23 Uploading videos on YouTube like it’s 2005. At least I’m ahead of the pack on other thing s! Like losing credibility. #
14:51 Trying out my visual finger quotes with Sharpie before I go for the permanent plunge. I THINK ITS RAD, OK. #
15:50 Today’s hi-light driving downtown: Henry made an old black lady drop her food all over the street b/c she thought he was going to hit her. #
15:53 Now we’re playing “Pregnant or Beer Belly?” & I might be late for work. Worth it. #
17:07 Last Mail was a weak one today. #
20:24 Hello! Hi! I’ve been drinking soapy water all night, it appears. #
23:47 Just found out that HENRY had pretzel m&ms & didnt tell me; am now interrogating him like he just fucked a Walmart greeter. #
***
00:44 You know you must be really doing a lousy job if I TELL you you’re doing a lousy job because I never say “lousy.” #
01:44 I still think Trey Songz is the hottest guy in the world on the current. No, I will not entertain your argument. #
11:04 Chooch gets to meet his Aunt Amy and cousin Brooke for the first time today! It’s a Big Deal. #
11:18 I just asked Henry why I’m so unlikeable in the blog world & he’s beginning his dissertation on the matter right now. :( #
12:28 My niece is so fucking cute! In other news, I’m still cripplingly awkward around children. #

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Tweeting thru humidity

Tuna Tar-Tart — Sat, 05 Jun 2010 19:09:51 +0000

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

16:42 I don’t know why I bother with “blogging communities.” I never fucking fit in. And believe me, I don’t wanna. #notamommyblogger #
19:13 Either Xtina Aguilera hasn’t heard of Lady Gaga or her career has flatlined to the point where she has to piggyback someone else’s schtick. #
19:15 Twilight has made me hate Muse. #
19:51 Has spent the last 30min laughing at the assholes trying to cut the grass at the church across the street. #
19:54 My fave part is when they try to go around the tree. twitpic.com/1sa5ug #
20:12 I just had a spontaneous dance-conniption in the car to Andy Gibb & Chooch yelled at me to stop, WTF? #
21:02 If pistachio is an option, I always take it. #
21:08 Munhall has got to be the catch-all for the loud-mouthed Jersey Girl wannabes of Western PA. Goddamn, STFU you porky twats. #
21:09 I just burped up soft-serve and I’m still classier than these permed bitches. #
22:34 Now how long will the #Hawks keep this lead? This game is nutz0rz. #StanleyCup #
22:44 I’m still having a hard time coping with the fact that I’m watching the motherdouching FLYERS in the #StanleyCup final. #
23:24 I’ve not seen a single minute of any Shrek movie. I intend to keep it that way, child or no child. #
***
00:56 Hey @awoodhick? Laaaaaaaast maILLLLLlll. #
01:27 I wish more people used “lamby” to describe me. Maybe if I start wearing my powdered wig again. #
01:28 RT @drosennhl Amazing stat of the night: 11 goals and 20 assists, and not one of the 31 points goes to a first line player. #stanleycup #
10:29 Absolutely live for dripping my salty sweat sauce over tombstones. Best start to a day. #
13:30 Alisha just said an 8 yo girl was hot. She’s caught some of Henry’s pedophilia I suppose. Don’t judge. #
14:00 There is so much I don’t know about apples. I should have stayed in college. #
14:06 Alisha buys things like STEAK at the grocery store. I guess she’s too good to get it from the morgue like the rest of us. #
18:19 I gots two bitches who cook for me. Today it’s Alisha; Henry took the day off. #
18:39 Last mail is the new miscegenation. post.ly/hwx2 #
20:49 Oh shit I came home to find Henry consorting with Hot Naybor Chris at his COOKOUT. #
20:51 And now our other neighbor Mark is here and he and Henry are BOTH WEARING BANDANNAS. twitpic.com/1smc14 #
20:58 Hot Naybor Chris is blitzed. Henry should take advantage. #
***
10:06 I know this is something surprising, but I don’t interact well with kids. #
10:28 Oh shit the parade has begun w/ majorettes having a sound system malfunction. I laffed & Alisha said she’s surprised I haven’t been hanged:( #
10:46 They could at least give us some flame throwers. Or put ME in the fucking parade. twitpic.com/1srn67 #
13:00 What the hell kind of name is Finbarr. #
15:27 Wkly artists: Sleeping With Sirens (14), Circa Survive (3) & The Number Twelve Looks Like You (2) bit.ly/cShGmp #
15:34 I think I finally found xtra large grandpa glasses, but I’m afraid they won’t be as large as I need to stop myself from falling down steps. #
15:37 If I could have dinner w/ any dead celeb, it’d be Brett Somers so I can ask her where the fuck she went to super size her eyeglasses. #
15:52 Ideally, I’d like to just get a welder’s mask in my prescription. Or Lasik. But probably the mask. #
17:24 I felt like shit all day, yet still jogged in the cemetery for an hour, thru literal air puddles of humidity. Guess my IQ. #
17:47 Wading thru humidity is like rolling over to go to sleep only to forget abt the pool of cum on yr pillow – grimey yet slightly erotic. #
17:48 Re: humidity is erotic: Maybe just for those of us who also like peeing on ppl. #
18:27 Always nice hearing Henry snicker as I struggle to make a pb&honey sandwich. Apparently I can’t even spread pb like u normal ppl. Scrutiny! #
21:13 So many reasons to root for the #Blackhawks. Carcillo alone is one. #StanleyCup #
***
11:08 Just watched in horror as my kid purposely fell backward off the porch. It’s only going to get worse, & then comes the MTV series. #
22:53 I’m still not over the savage murder of Jonny, my jump rope. Not that anyone has had the decency to ask!! #
22:56 @leota I put a few m&m’s in my mouth, letting them melt, &pressing them against the roof of my mouth w/ my tongue. I <3 the crackling sound! #
***
14:04 I DON’T WANNA!!!!!!!! #
15:10 Welp. I think it’d be best if I don’t chime into THIS convo: theblogfrog.com/1362952/forum/31105/what-did-they-say-wednesday.html #
15:13 Just now! I learned that it’s not the MOP that’s a piece of shit. It’s ME that’s a piece of shit. #
15:38 Tell @awoodhick to take me to Allentown, PA as a late bday present. I have important business to tend to. #
21:15 Just had a grilled cheese made on a hot dog bun. It was made w/ real cheese, not Cheez-Whiz, so it’s only halfway to a white trash entree. #
21:25 It’s ridiculous how sickening the Flyers are. I just can’t take them seriously, Stanley Cup Finals or not. #
22:34 NIEMI!! Jesus Christ, Blackhawks. Please. Put this game away!! #StanleyCup #
***
09:42 It upsets me that Formspring doesn’t keep an archive of old q&a’s. Because mine were so THOUGHFUL, you know. #
12:42 Hay look @ the dumb! In my “serious research” for The Christina Chronicles, I’ve made it to the journal containing… bit.ly/bX9JPT #
13:06 NO I WILL NOT ACCEPT THAT BLANCHE IS DEAD. SHE WAS MY MOTHERFUCKING IDOL, OK. #
13:09 Today I’ll wear a silk pantsuit and fuck a lot of old dudes in Blanche’s honor. #
14:12 Role reversal: Me: I don’t wanna go to workkkkkkk. Chooch, sighing in frustration: But you HAVE to. #
16:24 I feel hateful when I hear these lawyers talk about how “indigent” they are. #
17:30 OMG LAST MAIL!!!!!!! #
18:42 I’m wearing my favorite shoes today OK?! twitpic.com/1tnh3q #
21:57 The CW syndicating Moonlight is such a fucking tease. SUCH A FUCKING TEASE. #
***
11:25 This whole “finding goggle-sized eyeglasses” mission is pissing me off. I found a large plastic green pair but they don’t look large enough. #
11:29 OH THIS IS TERRIBLE. They might not cover my neuroses. www.zennioptical.com/product.php?productid=1929&cat=&page=1 #
12:40 Father of the Year didn’t buy any food. Please send help for Chooch and me. Send troops if you have to; cans of porridge. #
15:30 Henry suggested shopping at the clown store for eyeglasses. I pretended to be hurt, but that’s not a bad idea, really. #
***
00:14 On the night of May 30, 2005, I cried in the car & kept imagining jamming a shard of glass into my neck, AWESOME!! True story from my DIARY. #
10:07 Me: “do u want me to put something on for you?” Chooch: “NO I LIKE THIS SHOW!” (It’s Snipers on the History Channel. Fantastic.) #
10:55 This is the largest I’ve ever grown Sea Monkeys and I’m a little scared of them. And grossed out, too. #
11:38 I stood up and almost fell, & in the process wound up doing an accidental contemporary dance move. Mia Michaels would have LOVED it. #SYTYCD #
13:50 Every time I hear that shitty Katy Perry song, I get so angry that she was once at Warped Tour. I wanna make her drink her Proactive. Hag. #
14:28 MY SEA MONKEYS ARE MATING!? Oh my god, it’s repulsive. But I don’t want it to stop. #

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tweets, begging for churchy literature

Tuna Tar-Tart — Sat, 29 May 2010 19:43:54 +0000

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

15:04 You just don’t really see people drinking wine from severed heads anymore. #
17:06 Spending an hour running in the rain thru the cemetery while listening to post-hardcore = best thing EVER. Can’t wait to live there. #
17:42 Nice empty net save by Bergeron! #Habs #StanleyCup #
17:44 If the Flyers win this series, I will literally have no one to root for in the Stanley Cup finals. No one. #
17:46 Leig hton is the new Halak. #
19:24 Oh hello lavendar white chocolate iced mocha, let’s have sex tonight. I’ll bring the strap-on. #
20:04 Just ran into my old friend Kim at the craft store. Apparently, her mom & Henry’s mom were friends back in the day so Henry butted in. #
20:16 Seeing her brought back memories of slipping into bars when I was 17. BACK WHEN I WAS EXCITING & NOT BORING. #
21:56 Pretty much my only ability in life is unfailingly knowing where the tape measure is, even tho I NEVER use it. & trust me, it gets around. #
22:39 Q :What is the significance of Appledale? … A:I saw it on a sign for a farm two years … formspring.me/ohhonestlyerin/q/583403326 #
***
00:07 Henry just went down into the basement to break up a cat fight and he is NOT happy about it. #
00:09 And by “break up,” I mean that he tossed a screen at them, of which we evidently have extra. #
01:41 Heidi Montag: “All guys are controlling.” I just looked at Henry, who’s eating ribs & reading Better Homes & Gardens, & laughed. #
01:45 I’m glad @mrsevils chose to test on me, & not some poor, downtrodden albino Thumper. #
01:58 Don’t these broads on The Hills realize that the only person who can save Heidi is LC? By making out. That should send Spencer back to Mars. #
10:24 Waiting for my eye doctor to not approve my 1800Contacts order because he hates me. #
10:48 I wish Henry would start making POLENTA again so I can brush the dust off my POLENTA blog category. #
11:22 I put my pants on left leg first; I don’t even know who I am anymore. #
13:02 Alisha, Chooch and I were just God blessed by the town schizo. #
16:00 My upstairs is clean for the first time in at least 6 years! (& I do mean the upstairs of my house, not my mind – that remains filthy.) #
16:41 I feel remarkably better since throwing my Sunday temper tantrum. #
16:52 I think I was lavendar in a past life. #
18:33 Having a 4 year old means never getting to watch live TV. DO NOT SPOIL THE #LOST FINALE FOR ME, TWITTER. Vampire Diaries was bad enough. #
18:39 I’m going to avoid the Internet altogether. As soon as I figure out how to do that. #Lost #
19:10 I wonder if Donald Trump fired the person responsible for scheduling Celebrity Apprentice’s finale on the same night as #Lost. #
***
00:35 That was a depressing 2.5 hours; spent a good portion crying into Henry’s stomach. I’m in denial. #Lost #
00:42 Just went to hug Henry for solace and he pulled back because he thought I was going to hit him. 9 yrs, should be desensitized by now. #
09:35 Don’t mind me, I’m just reaching for your necklace. #
10:07 anyone asking me to explain the #lostfinale is clearly amnesic to the fact that I’m a dummy. #
11:00 Chooch is sick. I’ll be damned if he’s going to out-drama me. #
12:22 I’m confused as to why Dancing With the Stars is America’s #1 show. How embarrassing for our country. #
14:34 Q:What’s the most unselfish thing you’ve e… A:Allowed Henry to use me as arm candy. Be… formspring.me/ohhonestlyerin/q/590465801 #
14:36 Ask me how I like my dead bodies: formspring.me/ohhonestlyerin #
17:37 My Top 3 Weekly #lastfm artists: Punk Goes Classic Rock (8), Chiodos (5) and Pierce the Veil (5) #lastfm bit.ly/cShGmp #
19:02 Macaroons are apparently not what i thought they were. Turns out, they’re my new favorite cookie. I’d eat thru my arm for one. #
***
09:04 Day 2 of Chooch’s “IM SO SICK IM DYING!” pity party. Jesus Christ, where does he get this from?! #
11:10 Q:If you could change anything about yours… A:I still have a flesh inner-tube from Cho… formspring.me/ohhonestlyerin/q/594160118 #
11:10 Q:Why do you keep asking people to ask you… A:Because I’m a gullible asshole. You shou… formspring.me/ohhonestlyerin/q/594161190 #
12:09 I think it’s a little preposterous that Henry won’t leave work to get me a lavender white chocolate iced mocha. He needs to learn priorities #
12:39 Having a 4yo means unintentionally acting out variations of Who’s On First. All day long. #
13:15 Chooch is quoting the old Gypsy woman from Drag Me to Hell. Now he’s recounting all the scenes. “& then the girl pukes all that blood…” #
23:38 An episode without Sue Sylvestor does not fill me with much glee. #
***
09:36 Legitimately panic-attacking because I have an eye doctor appointment in an hour. #
11:00 My new eye doctor is worlds better than my old one, & not just bc she didn’t call me a crack head. #
11:11 Old people walk remarkably like zombies. I know this because I’m sitting in front of Old Country Buffet & a swarm of them are headed my way. #
21:08 Do not talk about being a paramedic in front of Henry; I’ll have to hear him rant about it later. #
21:47 I was LITERALLY just thinking, “Not enough cars idle in front of my house, causing earthquakes w/ their bass” when God answered my prayers. #
21:58 Q:What’s your biggest guilty pleasure curr… A:Totally MTV reality. I think the only on… formspring.me/ohhonestlyerin/q/602062702 #
22:15 I just read somewhere that bloggers shouldn’t “cuss” in their posts; they should keep it “professional.” Well, my shitty blog is FUCKED. #
***
12:05 Chooch makes my job easy sometimes. He just ate soap of his own volition. #
13:44 I need like, 10 potato sacks. Thanks. #
14:57 I finally added Google Friend Connect on my blog. U should click on it so I look popular. It’s on the right side! ohhonestlyerin.com #
14:59 I hate how much I still love Emarosa, in spite of all it means to me. #
15:41 Henry just yelled at some jaywalker. Through a closed window. He is so hardcore I’m tempted to bare my breast for him. #
15:46 There are Menonites downtown putting on a choral concert on the sidewalk. I’m tempted to punt Chooch out the car at them & flee. #
18:18 Fuck a patent. #
18:22 My declaration of things being “righteous” doesn’t happen as often as it should. Probably b/c I’m neither Bill nor Ted, but still. #
20:19 I hate the word “snarky.” How is that even a portmanteau for “fucking asshole.” #
22:51 Next Winter Classic to be held at Heinz Field – another reason for the rest of the country to hate the Penguins! #nhl #
***
09:52 It is never too early to be this obnoxious. Or drink from the w ine bottle. #
13:10 Why do I have to DO stuff when I come outside, Chooch? Why can’t I just sit on my ass & tan? It’s pretty much my best talent. #
13:22 How am I supposed to send my kid to preschool when he can’t grasp the simple logistics behind HOPSCOTCH? Oh my god, laughing stalk. #
13:23 Wait. I don’t think I’m doing it right, either. Isn’t someone supposed to chuck a rock at my face at some point? #
15:06 Hopefully before Gary Coleman died, he learned what Willis was talkin’ ’bout. #
15:47 Henry’s jaywalker bloodlust is out of control. He just made a bunch of teenagers scream in horror. #
17:50 Listening to Barb ordering Sounds of the 70s. JELIS. #
***
11:08 Nothing beats getting held hostage by a carful of Witnesses while I’m drenched in sweat at the cemetery. #
11:32 Sorry ladies, this is 14 yrs too late. twitpic.com/1s61tu #
12:19 According to the Jesus people, I’m a “very energenic little thing.” I’m still laughing at the “little” part. #
12:43 Oh. I guess I never told Henry that I have a sex tape. Well, now you know, buddy! #
12:57 @sandehagen it’s ridic, right?? I had Menonites or some shit hand me literature on my way into work 2 days ago, as well. I must be marked. #
13:49 Et tu, Dennis Hopper? #
13:59 I’m pretty sure Chooch thinks the only way to die is to be killed by Jason Voorhees or Michael Myers. #
14:05 At a different cemetery now, flowering my Pappap’s grave. They have their own radio station here called Prayer in the Air. It’s fantastic. #

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tweets: slightly more annoying than a cat in heat

Tuna Tar-Tart — Sun, 23 May 2010 02:35:47 +0000

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

16:05 There are men fishing in front of a crowd downtown, with Whitney Houston playing on a transistor radio. Like it sounds, it’s not awesome. #
17:38 Henry to Chooch: “Yr the last thing ppl want to see while eating.” Right. Not sliced eyeballs, Speidi 69′ing, hobo chugging tranny sex jam. #
17:58 Hay look @ the dumb! tweets: burying the Penguins hashtag for awhile. :(: Earth-shattering updates throughout the … bit.ly/aD8xM5 #
19:35 I don’t dislike the Chiodos stuff I’ve heard, sans Craigery Owens, but I do feel dirty listening to Brandon Bolmer sing “Letter to Janelle.” #
20:13 I’ve never heard the expression “soup to nuts” before this week, & have since heard it twice. Maybe it means I should eat more soup & nuts. #
20:15 Same here, much to the relief of my followers RT @Jagrmeister: Without Penguins hockey, my tweets will decrease by 17.34% on a daily basis. #
21:05 I hope I turn pretty when I get older. Just like Queen Latifah did. #
23:45 Could have sworn Henry said he was going to the morgue. #
23:46 ☂☹♥♠✈✔♨☁❦☕✩ #
***
02:32 My text about hockey to 93.7 The Fan was read on the air, followed by an emphatic “EXACTLY” & b/c I’m half-drunk this has made my life. #
12:32 Pictures of Chooch & A Pointless Trip Downtown bit.ly/bQHXJp #
12:50 Last night was one of the best night’s I’ve had in awhile. Here’s hoping Henry doesn’t poop all over that today. #
14:03 I am not goddamn Goldie Hawn. #
14:08 Henry doesn’t know if I like lime or not because we just met last week. #
14:51 At Yuppie Mecca, ie playground at North Park. Henry & I don’t stick out AT ALL. Chooch is the coolest kid here, at least. #
14:54 Oh please. This lady is NOT sitting in lotus. No, seriously. What a fucking twat. #
15:54 Watching Henry teach Chooch to ride a bike showed me a montage of future Jackass segments. Chooch was trying to crash on purpose!
16:22 Judging by the positive reaction of strangers, the faux hawk was the right choice for Chooch’s dome. #
17:12 It’s nice being able to watch this hockey game without my heart (& fingernail shrapnel) getting lodged in my throat. #Sharks #Hawks #
19:08 He only eats the good part: j.mp/cpe851 #
19:21 Chooch to Henry: Dont marry Mommy; that would be so disgusting. #
22:41 Can’t wait for the new Oceana album. Pretty sure it’ll devour all the fucking annoyances around me. If not, back to the bomb manual. #
22:45 Wish Satan would stop communicating through my son every night at bed time. It was silly at 1st but now I’m ready to call the God Squad. #
22:47 Q:If you could have a super power, what wo… A:To bind assholes with cheese curd trampo… formspring.me/ohhonestlyerin/q/556375001 #
22:50 I”m going to start walking around on stilts fashioned from plastic tumblers, a la Romper Room. Maybe then ppl will stop talking down to me. #
***
00:42 I’m so giddy, posing hypotheticals, that I almost just puked on Henry’s stomach. He keeps yelling, “OK, GOODNIGHT!” #
00:46 I NEED LITTLE GIANT BLUEBERRIES! I want to take my dentures out & eat them with a spoon for breakfast. #
00:50 The real tragedy on this episode of “Design U” isn’t that the homeowner’s foyer is dated, but that her 90yo bff told her so. #
00:51 Just mishea rd “closet doors” as “suppositories.” #
01:08 Henry: 45 minutes ago, you said you were going to bed. Me: No, that was when you told me to go to bed. #
09:23 Video: Chooch doesn’t need paint on his face to get into zombie-mode bit.ly/dwlgqP #
13:41 A painting that I shipped in January was just returned to me today. I hate mailing things. Worst part about having Etsy shops. #
14:13 Currently: 4 cops at Robin’s. #
16:40 Ever look at your thumb and it’s like looking at a stranger? Somewhere in the Bible, it will say amputation is the answer. #
18:33 The analyst in the office next to me is blasting T’Pau & I’m suddenly very happy, although wishing I could swap out my heels for skates. #
19:49 I always have to catch myself before adding “z0rz” to the end of words at work. Ohwellz0rz. :( #
19:50 And I wonder why p eople are shocked to find out I’m 30, not 20. #
23:47 It’s not drugging when the Nyquil trips and falls down Chooch’s throat. Right? #
***
00:18 I haven’t watched the Gossip Girl finale yet but I can only hope a chandelier made from daggers & Lady Gaga’s acrylics falls on Serena. #
10:42 Today I Learned the Definition of “Later” bit.ly/aXIewH #
12:29 I am being ordered to tweet about Chooch’s dream, in which he was bad at the playground, & it was “white&dark, white&dark, white&dark.” #
12:30 Perhaps Chooch can just start writing in my blog for me, too. I could use a break. And his posts would probably be better anyway. #
19:39 It makes me happy when lawyers here compliment me on my clothes & shoes. It’s the small things.
***
00:15 Just saw previews for Eclipse; realized I do n’t remember shit from the book except it being another 300+ pages of 0 character development. #
11:24 Chooch’s Zombie Party: the official account bit.ly/cIiE2l #
12:02 I hope someday I make it back to Morocco. #
12:05 I love how Henry sends me ads for all the shows I can’t go to because he keeps making me get evening jobs. Fucker dummy. #
13:39 Chooch & I were doing yoga; he was making me laff so hard I had to stop & take his pic. twitpic.com/1p6h5e #
15:03 My child is attempting to garrote himself with a strand of Easter basket grass. At least he’s suicidally creative. #
18:30 My easy job is about to get much more challenging & I kind of can’t wait. #
19:47 Young Yoga Master bit.ly/9lnS3u #
20:29 We’re giving one of my co-workers a ride home tonight. I hope Henry & Chooch don’t act like fucking turkey basters & screw this up for me. #
22:01 Chooch is on a yoga kick, for real. He just paused during his “goodnight stretch” routine to take a huge gulp of chocolate milk. #
22:43 Finally made it to the 3/30 episode of Lost. Why did I let so many build up? Oh right, because this season is boring the shit outta me. #
***
08:26 left chooch alone for 5 mins with informercials; now all he can talk abt is a blender called the Amazing Power Puff (?) that we HAVE to buy. #
12:19 Just spent the last 30 minutes befriending a wasted boy trying to sell magazines. His parting advice to Chooch: don’t get branded. #
12:20 And out of the blue, he asked me if I was happy. We’re Facebook friends now. (Assuming he accepts my request! I might die if he doesn’t!) #
12:52 It’s so rare that I converse w/ strangers at length these days, that my short episode w/ Ray the Magazine Schiller really struck me. #
17:30 My coworker was bragging about meeting Chooch last night & all the ladies made jealous exclamations. I’m like, “Ladies, don’t fight.” #
18:44 The date has been set for Blogathon 2010 & I’m totally doing it again. Who’s with me??? WE CAN MOVE THE WORLD! #
19:50 Please keep this up, #Habs. #StanleyCup (Sorry, just can’t quit the hockey tweets.) #
21:51 Took Chooch w/ me to run on a high school track & he nearly out-ran two men for an entire lap. They were impressed & stopped to tell me so. #
21:52 “He’s gonna be on TV someday,” the one man said. Yeah, let’s hope it’s the Olympics & not OUTRUNNING THE LAW. #
***
08:46 Well. Henry left me another voicemail of himself having sex with machinery. Get a life. #
12:34 Henry asked me if I missed him; I said YES real quick, because I thought it meant he had something for me. Turns out he was just wondering. #
14:18 Discovered 11 voice memos on my phone, all left in various zombie groans. Thanks son. #
15:10 Me: according to all my old journals, we shouldn’t even be together. Henry: I don’t need any old journals to tell me THAT. #
18:02 Henry texted me to say that Chooch ordered his own rib dinner; waited his turn & everything. Now all he needs us for is to wipe his ass:( #
22:32 Come on, #Sharks! #
22:37 Went to the high school track again w/ my bodyguards. It’s scary there at nite, could get raped by the industrial arts instructor. #
10:32 I apparently just ate a toaster struedel like it was my first time. #

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tweets: burying the Penguins hashtag for awhile. :(

Tuna Tar-Tart — Sat, 15 May 2010 21:48:06 +0000

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

18:08 Somehow I managed to not tweet once during Chooch’s zombie party. #
18:15 RT @CocoaDeeLamo: pic of @daboogmang and the birthday boy as zombies! bit.ly/bToyEi #
20:30 Bill and Jessi are here for post-zombie party #Pens madness. Just apologized for screaming when Gonchar scored!!!! #
22:34 @Josh_Hilden nudity at my house! NSFW! brizzly.com/pic/2DOJ #
22:39 Chooch told the pizza guy, “I have pants on.” He didn’t call him a douche cup though; that name’s reserved for @daboogmang. #
23:13 Just learned the critically acclaimed dance called Dishing Out the Sausage. Ever heard of it? #
***
00:33 Good job, #Sharks! #
09:53 I’ve learned t o expect nothing for Mother’s Day, much like my birthday. #
10:30 Chooch, in his glory with a remote control Zombie and Leatherface from his party// brizzly.com/pic/2DTS #
12:29 At King’s. Just yelled at Chooch but the offender was really Bill! #
13:04 The same pot has been in my sink for a week now. I’m proving a point by not washing it. Unforch, that point has gone unnoticed by Henry. #
13:52 I hate it when Jessi and Bill leave! So does Chooch, but the fact that he can now take off his pants is comforting him. #
14:35 I just washed the dishes while Henry naps luxuriously upon the couch. Happy mother’d day. #
16:09 King’s bit.ly/9Lygw8 (my blog titles get more and more generic) #
17:31 HENRY PULLED MY HAIR. CALL THE POPO. #
20:07 Zombie Chooch: Sneak Peek bit.ly/cSOfGO #
20:18 Henry tried to strangle me while I had my hands in my pockets and my panicking made them stuck! It was horrible. #
***
09:47 Thanks to @ohidontthinkso for buying every coloring utensil known to man, Chooch is in a very quiet zone this morning. Bless you, Kara! #
10:1 8 I never tire of “Hungry Like the Wolf.” Chooch just said it’s a bitchy song & he’s mocking it. Asshole kid. #
11:39 Thank god for sidewalk chalk brizzly.com/pic/2E6T #
11:49 My neighbor Robin is broadcasting some serious classic rock from her house right now. I’m imagining her slunk across the sofa, binged out. #
11:50 I just realized it’s Bad Company’s greatest hits. I love Robin. #
12:15 Asked Chooch what kind of bday party he wants to have next yr. W/o hesitation he said, “A carrot party. W/ carrot icing.” Got it, friends? #
12:45 My Favorite Neighbor: Robin bit.ly/abq7Aj #
12:57 I think I was just criticized by an older mom-type for having the audacity to throw my kid a zombie party. Glad she didn’t come, then. #
15:46 Making Henry listen to the new Pierce the Veil in the car & staring at him for a reaction. I know he loves it. The blank stare tells me. #
19:17 I wish people would stop printing important legal documents so I can HEAR THE HOCKEY GAME. #
19:23 HAHAHAHA CROSBY SCORES! #Pens #Habs Keep taunting him, Montreal. #
20:45 CHOOCH GOT ME SEA MONKEYS!!! I have the best kid. #
20:50 Henry is Cruel bit.ly/9ZjsBI #
20:57 Had the nerve to call Henry a douche cup, making Chooch flip his lid. “NO THAT’S BILL! BILL IS THE DOUCHE CUP!” #
***
11:06 I may be alone in this boat, but the customer support ppl at AT&T are the only ones who don’t cause me to make stabbing motions. #
11:13 Chooch will take a bath in five weeks, in case you were wondering how long to expect the jelly smears to remain stained on his cheeks. #
15:41 Henry is angry because he took a whole minute out of his day to explain a pressure washer to me, only for me to say “That sounds stupid.” #
16:18 Rain + #Pens loss = wrist-slitting atmosphere in the office today. #
16:31 I sure hope the mere fact that I like Happy Town doesn’t curse it into cancellation. #SaveHappyTown!!! #
22:12 Forgot how stupidly high my heels are until I took them off and had to re-train myself to stand flat-foot. #
23:26 Boy, watching “Drag Me to Hell” alone, before I go to bed, is definitely going to turn out to be one of them there brilliant ideas. #
***
00:37 My neighbors are dragging body bags down the steps again, no biggie. Probably stuffing them in the trunk of their $207,000 car about now. #
10:06 Welp, today’s (obvious) lesson is definitely: Don’t Trust Chooch With Scissors. #
10:18 Nothing like starting the day with some bloody trauma, mopping up big crimson drops. #
11:26 Oh just great. Now my other cats have developed blood lust. TODAY IS WONDERFUL, THANKS FOR ASKING. #
11:29 I am trying to avoid anything hockey-related until the game starts for fear of puking up stomach acid. #Pens #StanleyCup #
13:00 Since this is popular now, maybe ppl will actually ask me something! formspring.me/ohhonestlyerin #
13:58 Hard to imagine that this kid innocently watching Tom & Jerry was the cause of blood shed earlier. #
15:03 Maybe I’m WEIRD but I fail to see the humor in my cat nearly getting her ear lopped off by my child. Fuck today. #
15:04 And apparently, my son has taken to pissing on the basement floor. My grandma was right: I wasn’t meant to have children. #
16:30 We’ve been discussing flashlights at work for the past 10 minutes. Henry would have a boner if he were here. #
17:42 Hockey anticipation is seriously raping and pillaging my entire nervous system. #
18:16 @ohidontthinkso and if Letang fucks up again tonite, I’m blaming Brenna & her stalking. #
18:42 Had a bunch of women share their own children/pet horror stories & these are kids who were raised on Barney, etc. #
19:53 Preparing for the worst. It’s not the end of the world. There’s still hockey to watch even if the #Pens lose. <– My fake “mature” side. #
19:54 Still, it would be nice if it was the #Habs turn to blow a lead. If they win this, they deserve to hoist the cup in June. #
21:13 “Great save by Halak.” When ISN’T it. #
21:39 I love you #Pens. It was a fun season. #
21:47 #habs better go all the way. I’ll be rooting for them. #stanleycup #
22:01 & they earned it: RT @NHL: #Habs first 8th seed to reach Eastern Conference Final since current p layoff format adopted in 1994. #StanleyCup #
***
00:37 I think tomorrow I’ll dress like Shabba Ranks. #
01:06 I’m wide awake & just had a flashback of going to work at the lawfirm, but it was the 1970s. 1970s Erin is much better looking. #
01:12 I’ve been getting lots of condolences, like I just had a miscarriage instead of suffering a hockey loss. I have sweet friends. #stanleycup #
09:37 Had a dream that I chipped my front tooth. I didn’t handle that very well. #
09:50 Chooch thinks Henry’s a doctor since he put Neosporin on the cat’s ear. He’s i n for a rude awakening when he finds out Henry’s salary #
11:33 remember that song sheryl crow & kid rock did together? me either until i just had the misfortune of hearing it on the radio. ruined my day. #
11:35 Crosby, you’re still my boy. Fuck all the haters in Pittsburgh. Most of the ones bitching probably never watched a regular season game. #
12:27 Foxy Shazam keeps getting better like I keep getting dumber. #
15:00 Gelato before work. Henry wins today. brizzly.com/pic/2FEI #
20:16 Was just asked, “May I flick your switch?” Please do, yes. #
***
03:56 Thank god Chooch’s dramatics have me awake at 3:54am otherwise I’d have missed “Easy Lover” on the radio. #
09:33 The Vampire Diaries finale was great, though not very shocking thanks to all the SPOILERS I saw on Twitter. Fuck. #
11:12 #Twitition We want to KEEP Happy Town on TV (ABC) twitition.com/pbqrp @apparelbyal #
12:50 Yes! Robin is outside in a bikini top. It’s things like this that make me thankful I work at night. #
12:54 Sidney Crosby can’t even move out of Mario Lemieux’s house without backl ash. #NHL #Pens #
15:37 Henry to me: Why would I want to listen to music that makes me want to die, when I can just talk to you? #
19:39 KEEP IT UP #BRUINS!!! #
20:47 Coulda left work early but got accosted by Tina Replicate, who was set on giving me a verbal tour of Hawaii. MOTHERFUCK. #
21:00 It will be interesting when Chooch starts school & has classmates to invite to his bday parties, with the ideas he’s been throwing at me. #
21:51 I WAS JUST SNUBBED BY ROBIN OMG. #
***
01:59 One look at Chooch while he’s sleeping & I almost forget what an asshole he is when he’s awake. #
08:57 PILATES. #
11:41 He’s way too big:( might as well just be 21. yfrog.com/juvgsj #
11:54 In the span of 20 seconds, Chooch made a table of ladies “aw&qu ot; & a retarded guy laugh. #
12:19 On the trolley, laughing at a cop who’s brushing his hair. Just got A Look from Henry, made me laugh harder. #
12:27 Today I’m going to try and learn about my city. No, I’m not. Haha. That’s just silly. #
13:56 At Oyster House, Chooch was told by the waitress: Youre not your average kid, are you? #

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