I interrupted my birthday to post a shitload of backlogged tweets

tweets
Jul 302009

Hi, these are still posted in reverse order. Read from the bottomzzzz.

Posted by Tuna Tar-Tart at 9:22 pm 2 Responses »

Sprinkles came to my house

Fire in the Kitchen!, Food, reviews
Jul 282009

Last week, I opened my front door to find a gigantic box from Williams-Sonoma perched at my step. First I panicked, because I knew I hadn’t consciously ordered anything from there and my grandma went through this phase where she was ordering shit from QVC in her sleep and what if that was happening to me now too? All of my family’s best idiosyncrasies, consistently delivered to me on the conveyor belt of heritage.

After hauling it inside, I was overjoyed to find, swimming near the top of the inflatable padding, a card that learned me it was an early birthday present from my friend Alyson. Two boxes were beneath all that, wrapped in pretty pineapple paper. THIS IS THE PART WHERE I LEARNED ALYSON BOUGHT ME TWO CANISTERS OF SPRINKLES CUPCAKE MIX WTF OMG!

sprinkles2

(My tutu was still downstairs from the Blogathon bullshit, so I put it to work. It needs to earn its keep somehow.)

Seriously, what a fabulous gift for a cupcake snob the likes of myself. In the enclosed card, she specified that perhaps Henry could bake those fine ass bitches up during Blogathon and I thought, “Why, what a swell idea! Something delicious to feast upon while beating myself stupid in the name of charity, and also – fodder to blog about!”

Henry was gone most of the day last Saturday, partially under the guise of “doing me a favor” by keeping Chooch out of my hair, but I’m sure it was mostly because Henry is scared to be around me during Blogathon. And also because I had a ton of pictures I needed him to pose for and he wanted to prolong the inevitable for as long as possible.

When he WAS home, I hounded him. “What about the cupcakes? How about those cupcakes? It’s cupcake o’clock, you motherfucker, let’s go before I blow up your asshole with a stick of dynamite.” And each time, he would say those words that every child and Erin HATE: “In a little while.”

And then it was midnight and he was standing before me giving me some lame ass excuse about not having any butter in the house and Blake was all, “I’ll go down the street to the gas station—” at which point Henry made a threatening throat-slicing motion.

Perhaps he felt bad that I only slept for 4 hours after being up for 24, and I even weed-wacked that afternoon (can you IMAGINE), because the next day he actually made the vanilla batch without any whining and begging from me.

Of Sprinkles, I will say this:

  • The cake part was very MOIST (why do people hate that word? I love it. In fact, I’ve often considered it tattooed inside my lip) and sweet. I think Henry might have baked it too long because he is not as delightful with baked goods as he’d like The Internet to believe (he’s a really great cook though, I can’t deny that), and the edges were a bit crisp.
  • Henry does, however, make a bitchin’ frosting. But he wanted to try the recipe that Sprinkles provided, which was very delicious but entirely too sweet for more than a few finger-sweeps while it was still in the mixing bowl. It ended up, in my opinion, being too much once it was sexin’ the cupcake and my teeth screamed a little.
  • The signature candy bulls eye toppers they supply have no taste and I really wanted them to spark in my mouth like Necco wafers are supposed to but never did when I tried. I learned that when I was in elementary school, from one of the issues of Weekly Reader. I also learned that if one is unable to brush their teeth, eating a piece of cheese before bed is an adequate substitute. That’s why I always guiltlessly devour cheese before bed, even though I know I’ll be brushing my teeth. That is also why I’m 569 pounds. That is also why sometimes a cube of Monterrey jack dislodges itself from my chin rolls the next day and I think, “Shucks, where’d that come from?”
  • My opinion will not be cemented until I try the red velvet canister (because that shit is the best ever, I mean who came up with red velvet? Some poor bitch, that’s who. Some poor serf-bitch who entered a fief-wide contest, vassals ineligible, to win an opportunity to bake the Queen’s pre-beheading cake and THAT is what she came up with over top her kettle with all the rats scurrying around and nipping at her gangrened toes, and immediately she named it after the fabric from which she pretended her burlap nightdress was made, and seeing as it was the only entry that didn’t cause a palace-wide botulism outbreak, she won) and then also visit one of the bakeries in person and even then, my ultimate opinion will be based on whether or not I see Katie Holmes gormandizing one with my own two eyes. I think I will also ask to shadow the bakers because I’m still not entirely convinced that Tom Cruise isn’t using Sprinkles as a front to contaminate the world with batter-planted religious Rufies. 
  • I will also need to try every flavor they make available to me. And that better be a wide selection, because don’t they know I’ll be slandering the shit out of them if I’m unhappy?
  • Please come  to Pittsburgh. I have a feeling I might really want to have sex with you if we meet in person.

sprinkles

Henry went to bed before the cupcakes cooled, so I was in charge of the frosting station. Of course, I didn’t wait long enough and then bitched when all the frosting shifted around the head of the cake and then began to run down the sides like a souvenir from sloppy sex. What? I didn’t bash in the left side of it from groping it with my heavy beast-hands! It came like that.

THANK YOU, ALYSON! For remembering my birthday, and being such an awesome friend. <3

Posted by Tuna Tar-Tart at 9:31 pm 10 Responses »

#49 <--- THIS SPELLS OUT THE END, ONLY IN NUMBERS!

blogathon
Jul 262009

You guys you guys you guys we did it! You helped me raise $475.00 for To Write Love On Her Arms.

$475.00. $500.00!!

That’s a huge ass deal and I’m very proud. Thank you to everyone who supported me, whether it was by pledging, keeping me motivated with prompts and fodder, reposting my info, or popping in to leave a comment or five. That really helped me make it through. You guys are awesome!

I guess thank you to Alisha who was here for most of the twenty four hours (hello, she didn’t arrive at my house until AFTER NOON so don’t go thinking she’s some shit ass saint). And thanks to Janna for coming over as usual, and Evonne for bringing treats and and and…and Blake too for watching TV, using up all of my oxygen (that canned shit that Alisha wasted her money on), and being mesmerized by one of Chooch’s blocks for thirty minutes. No I’m kidding, thanks for being here Blake!

Even though you fell asleep for like five hours.

Hey, remember when we were going to rap “Fuck tha Police”? That went well.

I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror a few minutes ago and honest to Christ I didn’t even recognize myself. And not because being charitable gave me the warm glow of an angel, but because I look like I was raped and left for dead in a dumpster.

Pledging is open for the next 48 hours until Friday, according to Blogathon’s website. If you’ve already pledged, you will receive an email from Blogathon in the next few days telling you what to do next. I know in the past, Blogathon has had problems with getting picked up as spam, so maybe watch for that shit. And if you pledged whatever amounts scored you a painting and/or mix CD, email me your mailing info: butgavincantdance [at] gmail [dot] com.

Hey, I feel like I maybe didn’t swear too much during Blogathon!

Also, my sincerest apologies for all those songs I sang sodomized. Andy Gibb was my personal favorite.

And thank you, The N, for playing Degrassi for nearly Blogathon’s entirety. It helped to hear all those “sorey”s and “aboot”s in the background.

blogathon

Oh and also, I raised the roof 16 times. It was a slow ass night.

CIAO FOR NOW.


Posted by Tuna Tar-Tart at 8:01 am 18 Responses »

#48 Fuck a Title

blogathon
Jul 262009

For Bill and Jessi: an interpretive excerpt of NWA’s Fuck tha Police, by a Giraffe.

Blake is very excited because I get so angry at the end. I am tired. My neighbors are black. I hope they don’t want to kill me now.

Posted by Tuna Tar-Tart at 7:28 am 5 Responses »

#47 Snow can suck one

blogathon
Jul 262009

I went through a lot of trouble to get this done for you, Kara and Chris. Using a video camera was the only way I could get a decent audio recording but there was no way I was allowing Alisha to actually film me. Not with the death-glaze coating  my face and my hair, slick with stress-grease.

It was exhausting. Alisha said, “Yeah, I imagine mumbling all those words was hard.” But she probably said it much more stupidly than that. I try to re-write her dialogue to make her look smart. I was really excited about the Toronto part (maybe you could tell) because that is where JAY HOGART is from.

OH CAN YOU STAND IT. ONE MORE HOUR.

Posted by Tuna Tar-Tart at 7:12 am 2 Responses »

#46 exhaustion is diarhhea of the brain -what

blogathon
Jul 262009

It’s not too late to enter your guess for the amount of times I will have raised the roof during Blogathon’s 24-hour period, my homies. The winner gets a painting. The post where you can leave your guess is here.

I will tell you this much: there have been a few times where I have intentionally raised that bitch just to make Alisha get up and walk over to where she’s keeping her tally. I will also tell you that there was one occasion where I was about to get my raise on but at the last minute swerved into a lazy Cabbage Patch. I will also divulge that there was one instance where I raised the roof with my hands AND one leg. And then attempted to walk while doing so. And then decided I will do that at the next show I attend (OMG hopefully Set Your Goals next week!) and all the young people will see a seasoned pro performing this incredibly awesome move and it will become the next big thang. Like the Wave, only more epileptic.

So how’s everybody? WELL-RESTED? We are all tired over here. Well, Alisha and myself anyway, seeing as how Blake FELL ASLEEP for like FOUR HOURS! Alisha is so tired that when that last Degrassi episode ended, she muttered, “I probably would have cried if I wasn’t so exhausted.”

Oh – I just “sang” Informer by Snow in its entirety and only 70 seconds recorded. Fucking fab.

Oh hey, I have time to spellcheck this!

Posted by Tuna Tar-Tart at 6:28 am No Responses »

#45 Spice Girls, FML

blogathon
Jul 262009

wannabe – Vote for my rendition!

This is really hard to do when you spent the last half of your life avoiding anything remotely to do with the Spice Girls. Fuck the Spice Girls.  Alisha, after I forced her to help me sing it, was like “which one of your asshole friends requested this?” and I couldn’t remember right then because I sick with idiocy and sleep-deprivation. But then I remembered later and said, “ALYSON!” kind of like when Pee Wee realizes Francis stole his bike. (SPOILER ALERT.)

I am about ready to puke, I’m not kidding. I might do just that once I post this.

I’m making Alisha watch the episode of Degrassi where Jimmy gets capped. It was on last week and I DVRd it just for her.

Posted by Tuna Tar-Tart at 6:00 am 1 Response »

#44 Henry's Last Hurrah

blogathon
Jul 262009

friedegg1

Lauren Urban requested a picture of our Henry with a fried egg on his head. He was very grumbly about this one, spewing diatribe about the recession, Obama and wasted food.

“…perfectly good egg….” I heard being mumbled in the kitchen.

Blake smelled it frying and was all, “Yummy, eggies!!” but when he realized there was a good chance he’d be chowing on breakfast fare swaddled in Henry’s black locks, he decided to wait and have a clean one fried up. He waited until Henry was en route to sleepyland to ask for one.

But don’t worry! The hair-egg was not trashed because Alisha’s dog Bonzi devoured it.

In other news, it is 6:30am now and Alisha were just outside. It’s cold at 6:30am. My leg is shaking very badly and the Degrassi marathon is done-zo.

blogathon

Posted by Tuna Tar-Tart at 5:29 am 2 Responses »

#43 More Vacation Journal Crap As Chosen By Alisha

blogathon, vacation journal excerpt
Jul 262009

To preface: This is from a really shitty vacation I took to shitty Ocracoke back in 2006 with a really shitty woman and her decent husband. We stayed in a little beach house that was smack dab in rapist village. There were no street lights anywhere. It was scary. Even for me and I am a hardcore un-afraid person.

ocracoke

ocracoke2ocracoke3ocracoke4

Posted by Tuna Tar-Tart at 5:01 am 8 Responses »

#42 Some KISS Up In Here: For Bonecrusher/Jen!

blogathon
Jul 262009

I was made for loving you – Vote for my rendition!

So for this one, I decided, “I should probably stand up and do some kicks, rock from side to side and punch the air. That will probably make me sound better.” And I thought it really did.

But Alisha said I just sounded like a rapist. :(

And then I had to record it again because I forgot to save it the first time, and Alisha wouldn’t stick around to cheer me on.

sanging

Mostly because she was too busy being a hobag, taking pictures of me doing my thang, which just happens to be SANGING. As in, “Hoooo girl, you can SANG!”

Posted by Tuna Tar-Tart at 4:32 am 7 Responses »
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