Jan 282013

You know my brain is all jacked up when I break out the bullet points. January can blow me.  

  • Yesterday, Chooch paused as he was putting on his gloves and thoughtfully said, “I wish that there were gloves that you could wear and still be able to feel the fur of a cat when you pet it.” In that split second, I saw into the future: Chooch, 47-years-old, living in my garage with 18 cats and 24 bookshelves stuffed with every Goodwill cat book he ever made us purchase, going on his 87th prototype for said gloves.
    • At least his ridiculous cat love means he likely won’t grow up to be a serial killer.
  • Henry and I kind of had a fight yesterday, but then we both started laughing. I’ve totally lost my edge.
  • Today, there was a food fest at work. Today was also the day that I fit into a pair of pants that have been too tight for the last year. That totally made it easy for me to just say no to the food and cuddle up to my fruit salad.
    • The fact that I’m not feeling very “festive” at work lately also helped.
It’s ridiculous how excited I am for this show. I absolutely LOVE TO LOVE Jonny Craig. Mostly because it’s so fucking obnoxious and deepens Henry’s already-chiseled frown lines. But on the other hand, I also really fucking hate Jonny Craig too, so it’s always a wonderfully destructive molotov cocktail for my heart. I want to take my Jonny doll and potentially ask him to sign it, but you never know with Jonny — he might rip it apart! Fucking douche bag. I bet his stupid wife/penis cozy will be there, too. God help us.
  • I caught Henry looking at house listings on his phone the other night! ALL ON HIS OWN! Maybe that  means we’re getting closer to officially looking, I don’t know.
  • Chooch was accused of punching one of his classmates in the mouth two Fridays ago. This classmate also has the distinction of being our next door neighbor. Instead of coming straight to us, his mom (who has lived next door to us for like, 10 years – she’s Hot Naybor Chris’s stepdaughter-ish thing!) went to the vice principal the following Tuesday. We only heard about it because Chooch had a dentist appointment that day, so the VP told Henry when he went to the office to sign out  Chooch. However, their teacher knew nothing about it even though the kid was supposedly bleeding. You know who else didn’t know about it? Chooch. And I know he wasn’t lying, because I KNOW when my kid is lying. He lies just like me! We both start nervously laughing and then become belligerently defensive. And he did neither of those things, just sat there acting thoroughly confused. Meanwhile, the kid he apparently punched is a fucking Neanderthal Yinzer-bully who calls people “homos,” so if Chooch did punch him in some alternate-reality where he’s not preoccupied watching kitten videos on YouTube, then I’d give him a high-fucking-five and a goddamn donut.
    • I am so 110% over conflict right now, you have no idea. I’m too young for this chest-pain bullshit!
  •  I listened to a lot of Eisley over the weekend. I forgot the soothing effect those sirens have on me.
  • Weekends mean so much more to me now that everything is falling apart. They also go by so much faster.
  • I realized the other day that the biggest difference between Now and Then is that Now I have an amazing support system. Then I had a bunch of bitches who wanted to see me fail.
  •          I miss my Pappap so fucking much.
  • What is the weirdest fruit you’ve ever eaten? My fruit salads have been pretty boring lately and I need some suggestions.  Henry bought a pepino melon and I guess I was supposed to be more excited about that, but come on — my melon fetish was so 2004. (This is not a metaphor for my sex life.) At least he “splurged” and bought a bag of cherries. Usually his canned response to cherries is: “Not for THAT price!” (Nor is this a metaphor for my drug habit.)
  • This is what I look like now:
  • I need a fucking adventure. Who’s with me?



  6 Responses to “Monday Night Memos”


  2. I love cherries. Have you had the Washington cherries that are, like, peach-ish and red? They are FUCKING DELIGHTFUL. Seriously, I went to California and bought three pounds of them and ate them in a day. It was ridiculous. I don’t eat much weird fruit though. Utah is pretty boring – we have a lot of apples and plain, boring cherries. The only cool fruit I eat is from the co-op I buy from, and it’s usually during the summer, and it’s not nearly as weird as the shit you’ve been eating.

    • I’m not sure – Henry only brings home the cheapest ones he can find. I’ll ask him!

      • I remembered what they are officially called – Rainier cherries. They are the best cherries ever. If you haven’t found any by the time they roll around this neck of the woods (like, May or June I think), I’ll get some sent to you.

        • Ahhhh! Those are totally the ones that Henry pitches a fit about every time I try to put a bag in the cart. I know they must be good because they’re always so expensive (according to Blue Collar Henry) here!

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