Tweets, now flipping in the perfect flops

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

• 16:06 When my friend Charlie texted me to say he saw a midget standing up in a Cadillac & driving it, I was overcome w/ jealousy that I missed it. #
• 19:15 Told Chooch he was created by pouring puke into a mold of a small boy, then baking it in the devil’s kiln. He seems convinced. #
• 20:41 @cantcme99 bitch, you got an ice cream machine? #
• 20:55 @cantcme99 Bitch you better get one. I have a recipe for lavender ice cream and some bitch needs to make that shit for me. Ho. #
• 21:02 @cantcme99 Target has one in a beautiful raspberry hue that I must have, lest I pull a glock on a bitch. #
• 21:05 “Dinner ain’t over til mama serves ice cream, bitch.” Obviously my catchphrase if I was in dessert porn. #
• 22:27 My tired son is murmuring “No ketchup, no mustard? OK.” over & over, with a chorus of tired/crazed humming. #
  

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• 11:19 I can’t watch Gilmore Girls without thinking of Henry, because Luke reminds me so much of him. Gotta be the blue collar. #
• 11:51 @saucalisha and how he scored the prettiest girl in town, oh ho ho ho! #
• 12:30 twitpic.com/6za5k – I wouldn’t mind my aunt’s impromptu food drops if she brought ME an ice cream cone too #
• 16:02 Red onions festering in a garbage can on a humid day smell about as precious as you’d think. #
• 18:00 It’s hard to enjoy a TV show when you abhor the main character but somehow I was able to block out Sara Rue enough to <3 Less Than Perfect. #
• 19:51 Almost time to start jump roping aggressively, weeeee!#
• 19:54 http://twitpic.com/70cs5 – I’d have made that borscht shit too if I wasn’t a kitchen retard. #
• 20:45 I read something where Zetterberg was likened to Jake Gyllenhaal, but I still maintain my Jared Leto comparison. #redwingsdyetheirbeards #
• 21:08 At least they won’t get another shut out! #redwingsdyetheirpubes #
• 22:39 PUT THAT CUP BACK. #
• 23:47 Henry would appreciate if I left his name out of “pervy” blog posts plz. #
  

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• 10:29 I made a new banner for my photo shop on Etsy. Yay or nay? http://bit.ly/54MeC #
• 13:09 This makes my veins seize up, but I love it: The Used’s New Album Artwork http://bit.ly/7DrJF #
• 14:05 Sorry @craigeryowens. I love you, but I’ve officially forfeited my ticket to yr show Friday in favor of the Penguins. #
• 14:11 I’ve been tossing a toy out the window when Chooch is bad. My front yard now looks like it could grace the July cover of White Trash Fancy. #
• 18:00 I answer all of Chooch’s questions with: “Because you won’t pee on the potty.” I got that from the Immature Mom Handbook. #
• 18:02 Chooch: “I said hi to [neighbor] Ruth but she didn’t hear me, why?” Immature Mom: “B/c you won’t pee on the potty.” Chooch: “Shut up b … #
• 19:05 Packing my bags, dyeing my hair black, starting over in Santa Fe with a new name. #
• 22:20 Putting out fires with my menstruating vagina. #crapsuperpowers #
• 22:40 Hearing God at all times, but he has Fran Drescher’s voice & a penchant for singing that shit Titanic shit. #crapsuperpowers. #
• 23:08 Me + stubborn Chooch + potty training – patience = BAD SITCOM. #
  

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• 17:16 I wish there was a 24-7 Battle of the Network Stars channel so I could put my Robert Conrad lust to good use. #
• 17:43 Was so close to ordering a Father’s Day gift for Henry b4 remembering @ THE LAST MINUTE that he got me NOTHING for Mother’s Day. So SUCKIT. #
• 21:55 True Story: Once, I had a dream that Dakota Fanning was Henry’s daughter & he LOVED HER MORE THAN ME. I’ve hated that bitchtit ever since. #
• 23:04 @Citizen_Lazlo no, that makes women like me happy! #
• 01:14 Whenever I fear possible tweets might be taken the wrong way, I send ’em over to Janna instead. She’s lonely so she appreciates it. #
• 10:58 Here’s how Henry helps with pottytraining = “Do you want to use the potty, Chooch?” “NO!@!!!” “Ok.” Bravo. #

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