Weekend Synopsis: From Cookies to Cryptmas; Shopping to Satanism

I signed Henry up for my friend Alex’s Blogger Cookie Exchange sometime in October and then, true to form, waited until the last minute to find him a cookie to bake. The Internet failed me i my search for “Really Bomb Traditional Romanian Christmas Cookies” so I eventually settled on some kind of zucchini jalapeno lime thingies because some website said that they were The Best. Henry didn’t start baking them until Saturday morning and then jawed off at me from the kitchen because I suck at conveying details to him, such as how many dozen he needed to bake and by what time. Meanwhile, I sat on the couch and fought with Chooch over the TV and I somehow lost, so I just kept taking pictures of him until he finally had enough and left the room.

I ALWAYS FIND A WAY.

Never fear, Henry got all seven dozen knocked out and even had a bunch to spare, so the day ended up not being as stressful as I imagined. I mean, there was the still the social stress, don’t worry. I haven’t suddenly learned how to converse strangers.

I’m still me! So I mostly hung out with the kids and that was OK because we on that same level, yo*. It was either that or stand awkwardly with the adults, blurting out things like, “So, how about those leaked Brand New demos, huh?” or “Guys, I found the best wheelchair on Craigslist and Henry won’t buy it for meeeee!” #unrelatable One thing I have learned from failed social situations is that I am a Grade A conversation killer. So now I just keep quiet.

And funnily enough, Henry ended up winning for best cookie and he totally thinks he’s so fucking awesome now. “Do I get a ribbon to put on my blog?” he asked. LET’S NOT FORGET WHO FOUND THE RECIPE….SO.

*(Henry just tried to correct that sentence and I was like, “It’s supposed to be that way…?” and he said, “Oh sorry, I forgot that my English is not the same as your English. I guess I’m not your level.”)

Later that evening, a car pulled into the church parking lot across the street from us and Santa got out! At first, Chooch and I were really excited. But then I was like, “Why did Santa leave his car on? Parked at an angle? With the door open?” We happened to be leaving for Castle Blood at that exact time, and our car was parked RIGHT NEXT TO SANTA’S. By the time we crossed the street though, Santa was on the move, straight stalking through the parking lot with the calculated gait of a killer. He was headed straight to some lady who was getting out of her car and I started to instinctively flinch and squeeze my eyes shut, anticipating the swing of the ax that he was surely about to pull from behind his back. But instead, she was like, “Blah blah blah” and then he turned direction and started to walk toward the church.

“OH MY GOD, HE’S ABOUT TO GO ON A SPREE!” I cried to Henry as we sat in the car and watched him disappear into the darkness. “FOLLOW HIM!!”

Henry was super annoyed about this because he wanted to drive the opposite way, but I made him drive through the back of the parking lot as I scanned the area for Scary Santa. The door of the church’s basement/cafeteria was open and full of people in matching t-shirts.

“They’re having a PARTY, Erin. Santa’s here for a fucking PARTY,” Henry sighed. I caught a glimpse of Santa inside the cafeteria, mingling with the guests.

THEN WHY DID HE LEAVE HIS CAR RUNNING!? The whole scene was confusing and shady as fuck. But I didn’t have time to stick around and sleuth it out because we were on our way to pick up Corey and go to Castle Blood for their annual Cryptmas tour!

I love that Castle Blood comes up with several non-Halloween tours throughout the year. For Christmas, the denizens decorate their rooms to reflect their own personal visions of Christmas, or “Cryptmas.” It might be a no-scare tour, but it’s still fun as fuck, and I know I say this after every visit, but I think this one is my new favorite! It’s been a long time since I’ve been there with Corey too, so I think that definitely made it more fun. He was having mild panic when we were in line because of the anticipation of crowd participation. I’m usually cowering behind a tall person in these situations too, but there is something about Castle Blood that brings out the Old “Ooooh, Me! Pick Me!” Erin. Too bad I have competition now: effing CHOOCH. He is such a Castle Blood attention hog!

Castle Blood was amaze as usual. My favorite parts were:

• When Chooch was instructed to write if he’d been naughty or nice and we were like “why is he writing so  many letters….?” and it was because he wrote “Naughty, because I’m Satan.”
• In Gravely’s office, when I was told to pick someone from our group and give them a Christmas wish, I chose Henry and angrily spat, “I wish that you get an engagement ring from Santa so that you can put it on my finger.” That didn’t make anyone uncomfortable or anything.
• Seeing my favorite vampire butler, Shard! I love him because he shoots down all of Chooch’s attempts at being a smart ass, haha. I had been referring to him as my Castle Blood boyfriend but then my friend Professor Scrye told me that I might want to wait until September and I was like, “Durr?” followed very quickly by an, “Oh my god.”
• The gypsy room where I was The Best at deciphering all 10 Christmas songs that had been Jeopardized. Chooch claims he got two of them on his own and I was like, “Look, Imma let you think that until we get in the car because I don’t want you causing a scene, but everyone knows I’m the true winner.”
• When I got to decide if Henry could have a cookie and I said NO.
• When Chooch was asked to explain what Christmas is to a confused denizen, and he immediately answered, “When my brother Jesus was born.”
• When I excelled at REALLY HARD QUESTIONS that required the use of LOGICAL THINKING in the room that I don’t know what to call.
• Failing at passing a Christmas ornament down the line 8 times using plastic spoons held in our left hands.
• GETTING TO SEE MY FRIEND DAWN EVEN THOUGH IT WASN’T HER REAL FACE!!

I love you, Castle Blood. Never stop.

Afterward, we went to Eat n Park in Monongahela where Chooch and Corey talked about Vine pretty much the whole time and at first we thought our waitress was legit because she didn’t need to write down our drink order but then she had to write down our food order so Corey was like, “Never mind, she’s not all that.” What a disappointment. Corey and Chooch were going to try and film an on-the-fly Vine in the parking lot while Henry was paying but Corey got all stressed out about it. “What if we make Henry drive through that Do Not Enter for a Vine, never mind, THAT’S STUPID, UGH.” Then they were kicking themselves because Chooch said at the end of Castle Blood, when Hexibart blindfolded him, he was going to say, “Bitch, where?” which is apparently a popular Vine theme? And Corey was like, “WHHHHHYYYY DIDN’T YOU?!?!?!?! WE COULD HAVE VINED THAT!!!!!”

And then some Vine-famous guy was sending Corey messages and he was straight squealing about it, which was making Henry question what he’d done in a past life to land him there at that Eat n’ Park in 2015, listening to Corey get flustered about Viners and me talking about haunted house crushes and Warped Tour.

On Sunday, Chooch had a date with his twin friends, Sophia and Olivia, so Henry and I went Christmas shopping, which I loathe. However, we saw my aunt Susie at Target so that was cool. This was after my morning sob-fest and I had that “just finished crying” spontaneous sniveling going on so I felt like a freak, but I also didn’t want to casually blurt out, “JUST CRYING OVER MY CAT WHO DIED LAST MARCH, NOTHING UNUSUAL GOING ON OVER HERE.” Ugh, I’m such a freak and I hate myself sometimes.

Since I had the Sunday Sads, I bought some new succulents. That always cheers me up for a quick minute. Actually, we stopped at Home Depot because Henry had to get something boring, so I picked up a succulent (actually, it was a tillandsia, no big deal) for my Secret Santa recipient. I was like, “One for her, four for me.

” Because that’s how selfish Leos buy presents.

The other highlight was that Hot Topic was one of our stops and if there is one place in this world that serves as an self-esteem boost station for me, it is fucking Hot Topic. I pretty much immediately bonded with the pastel-purple haired employee. It started with her showing me the Five Nights at Freddy’s bullshit but within a minute we were trading favorite moments from last year’s Warped Tour. Henry was like “Girl, bye” and walked away. And then when I had to give her my email address when checking out, she laughed knowingly and said, “Great email address!” BECAUSE IT’S “BUTGAVINCANTDANCE” you guys. Only Hot Topic employees ever get that, which is why Henry always walks away before I say it because he thinks it’s so stupid how excited I get when I’m complimented on it.

Later that day, I found the tree skirt, so now Trudy looks complete.

Henry was too exhausted after making separate dinners for me and Chooch, so all he could muster for himself was toast and a pretzel, lolforever.

Capped off the weekend with a riveting show about Satanists on CNN, thanks to Barb for the heads up.

I mean, I’m not a Satanist but I realized after watching it that I can really get behind a lot of their ideologies, especially after I found out that they don’t actually do any animal sacrifices.  It didn’t even occur to me at first that Chooch was sprawled out on our Baphomet rug, watching a show about an organized group of people getting ready to unveil their Baphomet statue.

There was one part where a bunch of Christian protesters were being interviewed and one man said, “They shouldn’t be allowed to practice their religion in public. They need to keep this in their basement” or something to that effect and I whipped my head over to Henry and just as my big mouth was opening to purge the obscenities from my system, he cut me off by saying, “I know, Erin. I know.”

Meanwhile, Barb was disappointed in the show. Not enough virgin sacrifices, Barb?

I might need to move to Detroit, is all I’m saying.