Wow it’s been a while. Truth be told, if I don’t have my stupid reusable straw with me, I just won’t stop for coffee, and that’s nearly every day so that’s really saving me some money.
I was super excited last week when I stopped in Prestogeorge’s and saw that their special flavor was maple because maple is my favorite latte flavor, do you even know me. It always makes me thinks of going to Parker’s Maple Barn in New Hampshire with Alyson, where I learned that maple coffee existed and my life has never been the same. It’s my ultimate go-to fall flavor!
Every time I visit Presto, I am sucked right into the most comfortable small talk and generally, I am allergic to that shit, but those people there are so nice and not pretentious coffee dicks like at some places. So on this day, Laurie, the barista on duty, started talking to me about my apple tattoo and I was so happy that someone actually asked me what it was all about so I got to talk about being a bad apple, and she told me that she named her daughter Lilith and I felt like we really forging a bond here. I love talking about tattoos!
So as she was making my wonderful maple latte, some other broad came over to the register and was talking about how she’s so sick of young people being so obsessed with THINGS and all they want are THINGS and she kept saying THINGS with such disgust and contempt, and I started thinking about Chooch and his stupid Fortnite THINGS and felt myself getting all fired up like a typical old lady and then we started talking about how we want to bring back regular house phones and then IN THE AIR TONIGHT came on and motherfucker, I wanted to just pull up a chair and stay there for the rest of the day.
(Or at least until 4pm when they close.)
I went back yesterday and was excited because Laurie was working again but then CHER came over and yelled, “LAURIE GO TAKE YOUR BREAK” but Laurie was still making someone else’s drink so she was still hanging out while CHER made my latte and CHER was just not thrilled about anything that Laurie was doing, especially when she handed me my receipt and there was NO PEN at the register for me to sign BECAUSE LAURIE had moved it and I was like, “Look CHER I know that blush velour cold-shoulder top you have on is giving you all of the confidence right now, but can we lay off on Laurie because she’s cool as fuck” and also I didn’t really say that but I was thinking to myself that she looked like Matt Groenig had drawn her – her hair was pulled back into such a tight ponytail!
Her latte wasn’t as good as Laurie’s so that was my first mediocre experience there.
It was bound to happen.
Then last Friday, I swung by Crazy Mocha and there were different people in there than usual so I had major ordering anxiety for some reason and instead of the chai that I had intended on ordering, my eyes glanced at the pumpkin latte sign and I blurted it out and the guy who rung me up, a really sweet guy. started spouting off loudly about how I was their first pumpkin latte order of the season and do I really like pumpkin a lot, I must be so excited for pumpkin season, and I kept trying to interrupt to say that it was OK but kind of tired, you know, but it was too late because the sirens were going off and flood lights were swirling all around me while an overhead announcement was on repeat about how THIS BITCH IS BASIC. THIS BITCH IS BASIC. THIS BITCH IS BASIC. and the go behind the counter was going on and on about how soon they’ll have pumpkin biscooooooottttti, and pumpkin breeeeeeaaaad, and um, pumpkin mufffffffins and then the other guy was like HERE IS YOUR PUMPKIN LATTE, FIRST OF THE SEASON and I was like, “Thank you would you stfu please omg” and almost threw it straight into the garbage because my palate is now averse to pumpkin.
Then I had to walk past the weird urban campsite that was set up a block away – the strangest thing! A mixed bag of people were sitting in a semi-circle of wooden lawn chairs fitted with really old and dirty cushions, soda bottles all strewn about, and someone was in the middle of it all, sleeping on a mattress that looked like it had been pulled straight from a garbage truck.
“Maybe they’re protesting something,” Henry said when I described the scene to him.
“Uh, yeah, they didn’t look that ambitious,” I scoffed. It was so weird, they were taking up half the sidewalk right outside of a jewelry store, just lounging under a cloud of pot smoke.
They weren’t there yesterday so maybe a shop owner finally chased them away with a broom, who knows.
Today I went to Gasoline St. because I saw on their Instagram that the barista I didn’t like (he was like interacting with a potato and just really rubbed me the wrong way) left five days ago so I was like, “BYYYYYYYE ALEX” and then walked my ass over there because I have been crazing one of their foamy iced lattes. The girl who was working was super pleasant so now I’m excited to go here more often because anyplace that has cardamom lattes is a place for me.
Some older broad was there blowing her nose aggressively and started asking me questions about what I got and then had to walk over and look at the menu behind the counter because I guess she didn’t believe me?
“Oh yeah, there it is,” she said, satisfied with the results of her research.
She was still talking to me, but I was already walking out the door. I only do small talk at Presto.
And that’s the end of this pointless edition of lunch break coffee tales.