Feb 232022
 

BIG NOSE

One of my friends on Instagram just posted something about a friend told her she shouldn’t get photographed on her left side because her nose looks bigger from that side and just reading that triggered me and immediately queued up a VIVID memory of standing in the lunch line in 7th grade, minding my own business, when ADAM CUNTSKE (named changed since people always seem to Google themselves and find my idiot blog) said 갑자기, “You have a really big nose.”

To me!

And yeah I guess I do probably but it was literally something  that I never thought about back then probably because I was too fixated on being FAT, A BRACE FACE, HAVING A SHITTY PERM, ETC. But great, let’s add “BIG NOSE” to the arsenal.

Additionally, ADAM CUNTSKE and I had never once exchanged even a hello. I don’t even think we had any classes together (he was REMEDIAL. Take that, ADAM CUNTSKE).

Then several years ago, he had the audacity to send me a friend request on Facebook, back when I still used that societal scourge. Of course I screamed NOT TODAY, ADAM CUNTSKE. Come on, really? Aside from commenting apropos of nothing about my bulging beak, we had shared approximately zero words all  the way throughout high school. Maybe he has a boner for big noses now!?

LONG TIME NO GINGER

A few weeks ago, I was on my way back home from a lunch break walk. It was a really unseasonably beautiful day which meant I got roped into THREE conversations with strangers all on Brookline Boulevard, how fucking blessed. One old dude pulled up to the curb as I was lost in an audiobook and I caught him frantically waving in my periphery. I had to pull a GAYLE who used to listen to audiobooks at work and would hold up one finger while she searched for the pause button anytime someone would approach her desk. Shout out to you, Gayle!

Anyway, after I properly paused my book, dude was like IS THE HOTDOG PLACE OPEN. Like he really wanted me to walk over to HANK’S HOTDOGS which OK I was about to walk past it anyway but now I had to go all the way up to it because my eyes are bad and I couldn’t read the sign that was taped to the door from where I was standing, mole eyes and all.

I read the sign and reported back. “IT SAYS THEY’RE OPEN UNTIL 3 BUT I THINK IT’S A LIE BECAUSE IT’S ONLY 2:30 NOW AND IT APPEARS TO BE CLOSED” I shouted through his passenger side window from my firm stance on the sidewalk lest he try to grab and pull me through said open window. He just stared at me like he was not happy with this answer so I was like, “Oh OK, I guess I will go back and TRY THE DOOR in order to give you the most accurate answer.” So I did just that and looked over my shoulder to see if he was witnessing me being unable to pull open the LOCKED DOOR. This, paired with my exaggerated AW SHUCKS shrug, appeared to satisfy him so he shouted, “OK THANKS HONEY” and then pulled back onto the boulevard.

ANYTIME, GRAMPS.

Then I was cutting through the CVS parking lot, where some guy was giving himself a bath with handfuls of snow, I swear to fucking god. There was some redheaded broad in front of me who went inside CVS just as some old man with a cane exited. She was 100% still in earshot when the old man locked eyes with me and exclaimed, and I mean WHOOPED, “Wow, it’s been a long time since I seen a GINGER!” I was like, “*stunned*” but we had already made the aforementioned eye contact so now he wanted to talk to me about the skating rink at the bottom of his road that he was on his way to conquer.

“Oh wow, be careful with that,” I said with a nervous laugh, having no idea wtf he was going on about.

“*something about a water main thingie breaking*” he mansplained.

“Oh OK, well, good luck, haha,” I laughed uncomfortably, trying to edge away and OMG why did I leave the house.

BROOKLINE HERO

There’s some road work happening on one of the side streets so there are tons of DETOUR construction signs lining the road I live on. However, we have been experiencing some pretty high winds lately and almost all of them have been knocked over. On Saturday, Henry and I were walking to the library when he was like, “THIS IS RIDICULOUS” after we hurdled over the second felled sign. And then he proceeded to PICK IT UP and replace the SAND BAGS. You guys know I was losing it over this. Anytime Henry does anything like  this, I wish he had a COSTUME to wear. Like maybe a cape made of Faygo t-shirts, attached to an actual blue collar.

Luckily, he picked up another sign too so this time I was prepared.

“Oh hurry up, get the camera ready,” he mumbled.

Then he started bitching about unions and how it’s not like the pubic works people were going to come back and fix it, and that, “someone has to do it.” He really carries all of Brookline on his back, you guys.

JANNA’S CURTAINS

Janna bought a house during the height of the pandemic and I finally got off my ass and went over to see it this past weekend. Of course, I had to bring Henry because she had house issues for him to assess.

My favorite thing about Janna buying a house is that she has been having a feud with a curtain rod. It keeps falling down and pulling out parts of the wall with it. SHE EVEN HAD A PROFESSIONAL come and fix it at some point, but it still happened. She sent me pictures of the ruined wall and Henry was so angry about this. “SHE HAD A PROFESSIONAL DO THAT? I COULD HAVE HUNG THAT FROM HERE.” He was seriously angry about this and now I think Henry should start a grassroots fix-it operation where he makes sure women don’t get screwed by repairmen.

Anyway! Corey also knows about the curtain drama, so as soon as we walked into her house (she tried to wave us in from inside but I was like NO YOU HAVE TO OPEN THE DOOR AND FORMALLY INVITE US IN JANNA COME ON LET’S GO) I tossed my phone at her and squealed, “TAKE A PICTURE OF ME NEXT TO THE CURTAINS SO I CAN SEND IT TO COREY!!”

It would have been amazing if the curtains fell mid-picture snap.

Oh well.

Her house is so cute though, curtain issues aside! Don’t worry, we’re going back next weekend and Henry will have his HERO BOX with him.

Also, I brought some of my NCT albums to show her and she actually sighed exasperatedly and then tried to deny the exasperation!! I made her sit there while I named all 23 members and Henry was probably thinking, “Finally I get a break from the NCT fanaticism” until I dragged him into the narrative by saying things like, “RIGHT HENRY?” and “HENRY TELL HER WHO YOUR BIAS IS” and he was like, “Can I please just sit here in peace, petting Janna’s dog and watching The Office reruns? We might not have a union, but heroes are entitled to a break too.”

WORDLE

I have only ever posted my dumb Wordle results once ever on Twitter when I guessed AROMA on the second try, but I thought this one was hilarious because I have never in my life used the word TACIT yet somehow it came to my mind? Also, Chooch and I both used the same word for our first guess yesterday – GHOST. We are definitely related.

All three of us play and are very competitive (OK maybe only two of us are).

ENDING FAIRY 

OMG can I end this with an NCT video? Can I please??

I really think I like NCT Dream the best out of all the NCT sub-units?! I have been on a huge Renjun kick lately and I think he might be my current favorite NCT vocalist??

ALSO HE WAS WEARING A PITT SWEATSHIRT IN THIS VIDEO WTF YESSS!?

  2 Responses to “sum storees.”

  1. I am pretty goddamn tired of those men who think they’re entitled to judge and comment on women’s bodies. Especially when those girls are teenagers who will very likely take their bullshit to heart and be affected by it the rest of their lives. Pardon my language, my beautiful-shnozzed friend, but FUCK THOSE GUYS. -Kate

    • I agree with you – FUCK THEM! The part that makes me the most mad right now is imagining all the good things people have said to me when I was that age that I probably forgot, but THIS is something that stuck with me all this time, to the point where I can remember exactly where I was standing when it happened. Ugh.

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