Mar 162022
 

I’ve been A WOMAN ON EDGE these last few days/weeks for no real reason other than the world is a rotating pit of fiery despair and I feel so helpless. Voila, rage manifestation.

There are so many gigantic issues to be furious about but here are some extremely petty pouts I’ve had recently because I have no energy to write about positive shit right now. Susie Fucking Sunshine has no fucks left to give right now. They’re regenerating under Wonho’s grow light.

First of all, a big FUCK YOU to Fitzhenry’s Something Something Man Work company, whose work truck was not only blocking the sidewalk on my morning walk  today, but the passenger side door was left wide open (while the passenger was sitting inside!), further blocking the sidewalk! My options were to walk around the open door and into the mud pit / front yard of the Drug House up the street from me, or walk around the truck into oncoming traffic.

I chose to walk into the street because I was feeling SUPER DRAMATIC and as I passed the driver’s side of the truck, I noted that the window was down and the driver was inside. Now, I’m close enough to the truck that my shoulder is nearly brushing against it, so in a fit of AUDACIOUS RAGE, I turned toward the open window, looked point blank at the driver in his hideous fluorescent worker man costume and I said…

…wait for it…

“RUDE.”

Look, it was off the cuff OK? It was the best I could muster on such short notice pre-8:00AM on a Wednesday morning. Cut me some slack. GEEZ.

I don’t even know if they responded because I had  my headphones on and was audiobooking it up, full Karen mode.

But I wasn’t done there.

I called Henry and took it out on him.

“I AM SO SICK OF YOU AND ALL YOUR BLUE COLLARED WORKER MEN ACTING LIKE YOU OWN THE FUCKING WORLD, PARKING YOUR SHIT WHEREEVER YOU WANT, MAKING LIFE HARDER FOR PEOPLE LIKE ME!!!!”

Henry, definitely not expecting me to be calling to sweetly professing my love, but also not exactly prepared for this vitriolic torrent 갑자기, said, “Whoa! Whoa whoa whoa! Don’t throw me in with those guys!”

I MEAN THEY’RE BASICALLY HIS KIN!

All he cared about is what “type of truck” and “what kind of company” it was, because #ManThings.

Another BIG FUCK YOU to the fucking HAWK who I caught red-handed (clawed?) (taloned?) about to kill a small bird on my walk the other day. Monday I believe it was! I was just walking down the street, minding my own business, when I heard a godawful screeching. I looked over and saw the hawk-perp in someone’s driveway, pinning a small bird to  the ground. I fucking HOLLARED, “Get the fuck away, hawk!” and ran at it. The hawk was like, “What the shit is this!?!?” dropped the bird, and flew off while I was round-housing the air. The little bird flew into a bush and that motherfucking HAWK had the audacity to come back for it! So I charged toward it again, flailing my legs in its general direction, flaunting my grassroots kickboxing skills.

This time, the hawk flew away in a huff.

As I was walking back to the road from the SCENE OF THE CRIME, I noticed that a guy and his dog had been walking behind me the whole time and witnessed my heroics. We made eye contact and the guy looked away real quick probably because he was like “WOW THIS BITCH AIN’T TO BE FUCKED WITH, FIDO.”

I told Henry about this when he came home that day and he frowned because he is forever white-knighting hawks.

“They have to eat too!” he said, on the verge of crooning THE CIRCLE OF LIFE.

“Well, he can go eat a seed or something,” I spat.

More FUCK YOUs thrown in the air like confetti at all of the BTS fans because I just really can’t stomach that obnoxious lot anymore. Have fun with your Westernized, watered-down band of Ed Sheerans.

The BIGGEST FUCK YOU award goes to MY STUPID-ASS MURDEROUS STREET AND THE MOTHERFUCKERS WHO DROVE ON IT. I lost (1) Mr. Gray Guy and (1) Buddy on Friday morning, mere yards away from each other on my block. I was fucking crushed. Like, I’m not even being the slightest bit hyperbolic when I tell you that I have been dragging my heart* on the ground since Friday, just absolutely gutted over here because I am so attached to these little woodland creatures that it honestly feels like I lost two pets at once. I was basically a zombie on Friday, just going through the motions, and all weekend I kept seeing them on the road every time I closed my eyes. Sometimes I wish I didn’t care so fucking much or felt things so deeply but here I am, a fucking stupid sappy bleeding heart tree-hugger.

*(Well, OK, maybe a little hyperbolic. My heart wasn’t quite touching the floor, just kind of slapping off my shins.)

FUCK.

But a big NON-fuck you to the kind soul who came around soon after and removed both bodies from the street so I didn’t have to be terrorized by the sight every time I looked out my window. I don’t know if it was a city thingie that came around to do it or a good Samaritan on my street. I’m leaning toward the latter because there are really great people who work at the half-way house thing on my block and I saw a shovel leaning against their porch when I walked by later that day! I’d like to think it was someone who knows how obsessed I am with them (so literally pick a person on my street) and did it to spare me from having to suffer anymore than I already was. If Henry had been home, he’d have buried them both for me. I mean, Buddy was gone within two hours of me first noticing him.

I actually had other things to mention but the rage has drained me and now I just want to go and read my book, exercise, and watch NCT stuff on YouTube. It’s my life. I’ll live it however I want!!

Sorry, it’s been hard. Everything sucks in the world and it’s amplifying the suck factor of everything else.

 

  2 Responses to “Trivial (To You, Maybe!!!!!) Things That Have Angered Me in March”

  1. I’m so sorry about Grey Guy and Buddy. We have rabbits around here, and it makes me so mad when someone hits them. The speed limit is 25, it’s not like they can’t slow down. We also have hawks and owls, and I am not brave enough to fight them. You rock!

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