Who: A twee-blogger obsessed with Pinterest and putting birds on it! Just kidding. There is literally not a single chair in my house with sheepskin casually strewn upon it, so I’m definitely not one of The Cool Bloggers.
So, back to “who am I.” This mostly remains to be seen; every day seems like a new existential crisis, but without getting too deep, let’s just say I’m some broad born in 1979. My home base is Pittsburgh and it’s OK. (Mostly.) Some people have been saying that Pittsburgh is the new Portland, but I’m like, “Is that good?” I’ve never been to Portland.
Now that you can shove a pushpin into my hometown on a map, let’s get even more personal: I’ve been with my manslave Henry since 2001 and we have a son named Chooch (rhymes with ‘butch’). His real name is Riley, and no: Chooch isn’t some cutesy nickname just for Internet purposes. We actually have been calling him that out loud since he was born because we’re obviously trying to fuck up his life. We’re just an average middle class family. Maybe even lower middle class, I don’t know how that stuff works. My life is not perfect, so believe me, this blog is certainly not going to be glitter-screened. If I’m having a bad day, you’re going to know it. (And I have lots of bad days but that’s mostly Henry’s fault.)
I do admin/tech support at A Law Firm and work a shitty evening shift, so I miss out on a lot of HOCKEY GAMES, which is a fucking shame because hockey is my favorite.
I’ve been “blogging” since 2001, but resisted the word “blogging” for many years because it sounds so pretentious to me. Because “I have a LiveJournal!!!” is so much better, right?
In addition to blogging, I also take pictures with cameras and sometimes just my hands in the shape of a camera, create childish art, walk in cemeteries. Please note, I am not a professional at any of these things.
Why: I blog for several reasons:
- Writing is cool, you guys. Try it sometime.
- I have a morbid obsession with remembering everything, and this only got way worse once I became a mom.
- It relaxes me.
- It helps me make faraway friends, and trust me–I need all the help I can get.
- Besides, the further away people are from me, the more they are able to stand me.
- It’s an outlet in which to make fun of Henry.
I keep a blog on the Internet in addition to writing in paper journals (which I’m totally slacking at) because if I’m writing a post that I know at least three people are going to read, I want it to be entertaining. This often requires a thing called DETAILS, which is something I always gloss over when writing Dear Diary bullshit. For example, if I’m writing about going out to eat with Henry and Chooch, I’m going to not only write about what we ate, but the things that were said or the albino that was crouched in a corner, flicking a switchblade. However, my paper journal is probably going to drone on for 18 pages about HOW FAT I felt after that fucking cherry pie, why do I hate myself, wah. NO ONE wants to read that bullshit, and ten years from now I’m going to go back and revisit that diary entry and involuntarily fat-shame myself. On my blog, though, I’ll probably go back and see pictures of Henry looking like an asshole and automatically feel better about myself.
This makes sense in my head.
What: I don’t know how to sew faux fur onto a pleather pillow and I sure as shit don’t have the patience to wrap a pinecone in gold leaf, so you probably aren’t going to find many DIYs here. (Although I really enjoy making Henry spray paint old furniture.) However, there are a lot of things I’m passionate about, like MUSIC, amusement parks, Warped Tour, roadside attractions, haunted houses, hockey. So these are topics you can expect to find here. Obviously I also write a lot about my kid, but I wouldn’t consider this a Mommy Blog. Seriously, I wouldn’t. My Twitter bio is “The only time you’ll catch me talking about cloth diapers is if I used one to smother a bitch.” I just don’t care about that stuff, not even when Chooch was a baby.
I write about work too. Not stupidly, like some asshole bloggers have been known to do, but pretty much everyone I work with reads this so when something funny or noteworthy happens, I will write about it because if I don’t, my work friends will be like, “Why didn’t you write about how terrible I am at the Law Firm Walking Challenge, or about that broad whose water broke in the bathroom on our floor???”
$$$?: Do you see any advertisments on my blog? No? There’s a reason for that. I personally think it’s kind of creepy to make money off a personal blog and don’t I already exploit my little family enough? (Although some might argue that Henry & Chooch deserve combat pay.) I mean, if you want me to give me money for airing all of my dirty laundry and making up swear words to describe how I feel when I hear a goddamn Katy Perry “song,” then fine, I guess I’ll give you my PayPal address because C.R.E.A.M. and all that. The prospect of getting free swag is definitely tempting, but I’m the last person Mod Cloth wants modeling their clothes. Also, I’m not going to “tone it down” in order to review any products or whatever it is these Internet Famous Mommy Bloggers do to make bank and even if I wanted to, what the hell kind of company would ever even want me to review their products? A tombstone manufacturer, maybe. A Quentin Tarantino dictionary publisher, perhaps. I have blog friends who review products in a very non-annoying way, so I’m not hating on this. I just feel like it would fuck with my flow.
I have a full-time job. That’s enough for me. If I wanted to get paid for writing, I would write a book. But I’m too brain-lazy, incoherent and unorganized for that. So Law Firm Admin it is! Maybe I will reconsider my stance if the day ever comes where I get canned because my employer finds out that my blog has Satanic content and The Law Firm is adverse to Satan. (It doesn’t actually have Satanic content, but if you ask the moms at the Catholic School my kid used to attend, they will probably tell you that Erin Rachelle Kelly actually is SATAN right before they go out and cheat on their cokehead husbands.)
Will I Be at [xxx] Blogging Event: No. I’m not exactly a social bloggerfly. I like to hang out with my friends, but they’re not bloggers so aside from me whining “WHY DON’T YOU READ MY BLOG,” we don’t usually talk about blogging while watching Quilting Bee pornos. And I don’t really have a need to join some local blogging round-table or be on a panel where I pretend to be an authority on hitting the WordPress publish button. I don’t take this seriously. It’s fun. It’s a hobby. It’s a release. It’s not my job and I don’t care to sit in a crowd of Serious Internet Journalists and learn how to get a million followers, because that just sounds like a headache and way too much work.
That being said, I do like making friends via my blog if we have something other than blogging in common, and also not when I’m forced to stand around awkwardly in a room full of strangers. I’d rather do that at a Dance Gavin Dance show. So, that is where you can find me. At a post-hardcore show. Get stoked.
Will I Guest Blog, Ever: Sometimes that can be fun, so maybe! But it depends on what you have in mind, content-wise. Like, if you have a food blog, my post will have to be about some kind of food I like to shove into my mouth; not like, a recipe. God no, I don’t do “cooking”. I get asked to guest blog very rarely and gee whiz, I really have no idea why. I guess there aren’t many truckers out there with blogs.
If you have non-math-related questions, I can be reached at email@example.com.
Peace out, Girl Scout.