Aug 102014


ESPN woke me up at 4:30AM with this breaking news, and then again later in the morning to tell me that this guy is still going to drive in a race today, hours after committing vehicular manslaughter. So now I’m obsessed with all of this and have been watching news reports on it all day, which is irritating Henry. (Have you seen the video? WHY DID THIS GUY EVEN GET OUT OF HIS CAR??!! Ugh.)

“I’ve never even heard of this guy,” I said.

“That’s because you don’t follow NASCAR,” Henry reasoned.

“Well, YOU knew who he was, so are you a secret NASCAR fan?!” I cried my accusations.

“What? No!” Henry spat, clearly flustered.

“Oh I’m sure. All those times you’re like ‘I have to work late, the drivers aren’t back yet,’ you’re really sitting in your office watching NASCAR!” I yelled, cramping my fingers from all the excessive air quotes I was throwing out.

“NASCAR’s on Sunday, asshole,” Henry sighed.

“Ok, so then you’re watching NASCAR highlight reels on YouTube!”

And then ESPN showed a tweet from Dale Earnhardt Jr., in which he expressed his condolences on the whole sitch.

“Wow, I’m surprised he spelled ‘lose’ correctly, and not like, you know, ‘loose’,” I laughed, but honestly I was being serious.

“Why, because he’s a race car driver? He’s not a dumb kid!” Henry said defensively. “He owns his own business!” Then he tried to call me out for “stereotyping.” OH OK, Henry.

“Eh, his PR person probably wrote that tweet anyway,” I said, and Henry’s head exploded.

He’s not talking to me now.

THIS JUST IN: Tony Stewart has ultimately decided not to race today after all, and I would like to think me posting about him on Instagram and Twitter was the deciding factor. I mean, according to Klout, I have lots of influence.

  5 Responses to “Henry Loves NASCAR, Secretly”

  1. Tery also told me the news, the difference being she’s an unabashed NASCAR fan (don’t get me started — who wants to watch a bunch of guys driving in a circle for hours on end?) My theory is guys like it because some of the drivers are in just as terrible physical condition as they are, so it’s an “everyman” “sport.”

    But of course I have an opinion about it, despite knowing almost nothing. A) Right. That kid went “full retard” getting out of his car to take on someone roaring towards him in a race car. B) Over what looked like a fairly minor accident. Didn’t even roll, for chrissake. Chill. C) I don’t think for a second Stewart meant to kill him — just strafe him or something, but his car got just a bit too close.

    Sure, it’s tragic, but do we really want someone with such clear anger management issues racing vehicles? I say no.

    • I agree with all of your points wholeheartedly. Every time I saw that video on ESPN, I was shouting, “GET BACK IN THE CAR!” It’s actually amazing to me that they car before Tony’s didn’t hit him first.

      So fucking preventable!

  2. I really like cars, and I still hate NASCAR. That shit is boring. This story is really sad though. I would probably never drive again.

  3. This entire post just pretty much made my morning. Henry, springing to the defense of Nascar people! Does he know that one of these BUSINESSES he has makes white trash vending machine sandwiches? That is NOT contributing to the good of the world. Henry is sticking up for the wrong people. ;)

Say it don't spray it.

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