ESPN woke me up at 4:30AM with this breaking news, and then again later in the morning to tell me that this guy is still going to drive in a race today, hours after committing vehicular manslaughter. So now I’m obsessed with all of this and have been watching news reports on it all day, which is irritating Henry. (Have you seen the video? WHY DID THIS GUY EVEN GET OUT OF HIS CAR??!! Ugh.)
“I’ve never even heard of this guy,” I said.
“That’s because you don’t follow NASCAR,” Henry reasoned.
“Well, YOU knew who he was, so are you a secret NASCAR fan?!” I cried my accusations.
“What? No!” Henry spat, clearly flustered.
“Oh I’m sure. All those times you’re like ‘I have to work late, the drivers aren’t back yet,’ you’re really sitting in your office watching NASCAR!” I yelled, cramping my fingers from all the excessive air quotes I was throwing out.
“NASCAR’s on Sunday, asshole,” Henry sighed.
“Ok, so then you’re watching NASCAR highlight reels on YouTube!”
And then ESPN showed a tweet from Dale Earnhardt Jr., in which he expressed his condolences on the whole sitch.
“Wow, I’m surprised he spelled ‘lose’ correctly, and not like, you know, ‘loose’,” I laughed, but honestly I was being serious.
“Why, because he’s a race car driver? He’s not a dumb kid!” Henry said defensively. “He owns his own business!” Then he tried to call me out for “stereotyping.” OH OK, Henry.
“Eh, his PR person probably wrote that tweet anyway,” I said, and Henry’s head exploded.
He’s not talking to me now.
THIS JUST IN: Tony Stewart has ultimately decided not to race today after all, and I would like to think me posting about him on Instagram and Twitter was the deciding factor. I mean, according to Klout, I have lots of influence.