Jul 082019

Before I start my always-scintillating weekend recap, I want to say that I had to absolutely drag  my ass out of the house this morning, having not had to be in the office since last Wednesday. I was feeling pretty miserable about it too, especially when I got to W.Liberty Avenue and hit the button for the crosswalk BUT THE WALK SIGN WAS SKIPPED OVER and I couldn’t cross, so I started to yelling to Henry, “WHO CAN I CONTACT ABOUT THIS!? THE WALK SIGN OFFICE OF AMERICA??” and he was like, “I don’t know…probably something in Dormont…” but then I was reminded of the COP WHO NEVER EMAILED ME BACK so that really topped off my morning glass of Pissed Off Juice.

After managing to successfully jaywalk to the other side of the road, which entails me flailing like a wild animal released from a cage, blindfolded, I was approached by a tall older man, maybe like Henry’s age, so—old. I tensed up immediately, figuring he was going to ask me for directions, for bus fare, for when the R-Bar across the street opens.

But then I was even more scared when he started with, “Hey, I just want to tell you—”

TELL ME WHAT? THAT I’M FAT? THAT MY SHOE’S UNTIED? (I fell for that one before!) THAT YOU’RE GOING TO COME TO MY HOUSE AND SKIN ME ALIVE? THAT YOU’RE THE LINDBERG BABY? THAT I HAVE A BIG NOSE? (Ever since some asshole told me in 6th grade, while in line for lunch in the cafeteria, that I have a big nose, it is literally all that I see when I look in the mirror. And that guy tried to friend me on Facebook a few years ago and I was like, “OH NOW YOU WANT TO BE FRIENDS WITH BIG NOSE, I THINK NOT.” Shit, what was that guy’s name though…)

“—that you’re really pretty. Remember that on a rainy day.” And then he smiled, gave me a thumbs up, and continued along down the sidewalk.

“What was that?” Henry asked through the phone, because HE IS SO POSSESSIVE OF ME. So I told him and he was like, “Oh, was he a weirdo?” because god forbid a functioning human would ever think I’m pretty, right Henry?

Anyway, that really turned my day around and then the cherry on top was when I passed by Muddy Cup, a cafe in Dormont, and my favorite barista was sitting by the window, waving to me. So, maybe Mondays aren’t always so bad.

BUT it still has the distinction of being The Day After the Weekend, which sucks even more when you’re coming off a glorious, long 4-day holiday extravaganza! (Yeah, yeah, I had to work in the morning on the 4th, but at least I was home.)

Saturday and Sunday were both really nice days, regardless of their extended holiday status. So let’s get into it!

I met up with Jiyong at Adda for some coffee and she surprised me with a pop quiz and I panicked and almost chose flight over fright but instead, I stayed seated at my table and struggled to figure out how to translate the super simple English sentences into Korean and I swear it was the hardest thing I’ve had to do in a long ass time, since probably…well, since I was in actual school. But Jiyong is really patient with me so this time, I have been reciting and memorizing my dumb face off so I will be READY next time!

Isn’t this drink goddamn gorgeous?! It’s a pea blossom matcha latte and it was worth every cent. I told Henry that my goal for this meet-up was to not spill anything on myself but I splashed it as soon as I picked up the glass from the counter so I had a green stream sluicing down my hand by the time I brought it back to our table.

Jiyong pointed out that my latte matched my phone case so she took a picture for me.

Then some mom in head-to-toe REI and her dumb little kid who was probably 3 took it upon themselves to sit at the same table of us right when I was in the middle of struggling to read Korean out loud and I felt like Billy Madison.

I can probably read Korean out loud better than that baby can read English though so there!!!!

The barista told me he liked my shirt and I couldn’t remember what I was wearing because I’m almost 40 now and automatically can’t remember things. I bought this recently at Target for like $6, bam.

Chooch and I binged the new season of Stranger Things, but my version of binging (binge’ing?) is to watch like 2-3 episodes a day, tops. So, we started on Friday, but by Sunday, I was in full-blown Netflix warrior mode and said super-seriously, “OK, let’s do this.” So we finished the last episode by 11:30 last night. (Look–I need to take exercise breaks, OK? This broad can’t rest on her laurels for long periods of time, whatever laurels are. Is it like a tuffet? A toadstool?)

During one of our breaks on Saturday, Henry and Chooch left for Target as I hollered after them, “Buy me a present!” but they were too far away as I followed it up with, “And not a candy bar!”

So Chooch sent me this picture of a STEVE HARRINGTON pillow and asked “Do you want this?” Um, le duh. It reminded me so much of the time in the early 90s when my dad bought me a Jason Priestley pillow and I was so annoyed because everyone knew my heart belonged to Luke Perry (RIP). But still, J.Priestley was no slouch, so I couldn’t complain too  much.

So I was all excited thinking I’m getting this hot pillow but then HENRY said he wasn’t paying $20 for a PILLOW. What a fucking cheapskate.

And he didn’t even bring me a candy bar!!!

Sunday was a super slothy day – it stormed off and on so we stayed home except for an after-dinner trip to Baskin Robbins for Stranger Things ice cream. We went to a Baskin Robbins that’s out in an area we don’t visit very often, and on the way there we passed a building that triggered a quick memory.

“I used to work there,” I said, pointing out the window. “For like, a day,” I added, and Henry just frowned.

Actually, I think I only went there for an interview, with my then-friend Cinn, and we were both hired but then I was like, “Hahahaha just kidding” and she got stuck working there without me. I think it was just telemarking probably because that’s what all my jobs were back then since I had such a glowing personality.

(That’s not a joke. I was like, super-likeable back then instead of the plain cardboard cutout I am now.)

“Yeah and then after the interview, we went to Long John Silvers and bought hush puppies with a bag of Susan B. Anthony coins that Cinn found in her house and she bought fish and shared it with [my cat] Marcy even though they hated each other,” I finished.

Actually, this picture was taken that day!

I took this with my camcorder I think?!

Anyway, then we got to Baskin Robbins (we’re back to present day now, please keep up) and it was so annoying because they had this TV screen that was playing a slideshow of all the Stranger Things ice cream they had but everything Chooch ordered was either “out” or “discontinued” so he got the only option they (barely) had – the USS Butterscotch, which was what I was going to get so then I panicked and said FORGET IT I DONT WANT ANYTHING and Henry was like FOR CHRISTS SAKE and I heard one of the scoopers day to him, “Does your wife want anything?” because I had walked away to pout and I was like IM NO ONES WIFE!!

But I got this dumb commemorative picture of Chooch:

His face is nearly all healed from the sunburn! I was applying ointment (lol) to it on Saturday and it was sooooo grody (kiss kiss, 1992) and scaly so I screeched, “EW YOU FEEL LIKE A REPTILE!!” and he snatched the Cortizone from me and spat, “OOOOHkay, I’ll do it myself.” I’m a really great parent who definitely has not spent the last 13 years sculpting a multi-headed complex on my son.

Came home, went for a walk, finished Stranger Things and cried. What a weekend.

*(OMG that means Saturday & Sunday. I’m a language genius. 일+일=이)

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