Jun 222018
 

7:08am: You’re live-blogging. Great. – Henry under his breath. Well we just left the house but first we have to stop and get new tires put on the car because Henry didn’t think to do this any other time this week ok cool. And he only brought a bottle of water for himself and I flipped out so he said I could just have his and I was like YOU ALREADY DRANK FROM IT SO HOW WILL I KNOW HOW MUCH TO CALCULATE?? because I track my water intake on Fitbit and now we’re fighting about me not being to eyeball that there are approx. 4 ounces gone now from the bottle. Fuck off Henry.

7:11am: “I’m hungry” – Chooch. “I’m thirsty” – me. “The kids have already started” – Henry.

7:30am: UGH TIRE CHANGE STUFF.

“Want me to make you coffee?” Henry just asked and I’m ready to eviscerate him.

7:44am: LEAVING NOW THAT TOOK FOREVER. “It did not!” henry barked. “If we had went to Pep Boys we’d still be there and they’d be trying to sell me everything!”

8:26am: Stopped at Sheetz for a fast breakfast and fucking coffee, man. Here is my traditional gas station bathroom selfie. If I look miserable ITS BC I AM. J/k I’m just old & tired.

Some instrumental version of Gary Numan’s “Cars” was playing in Sheetz and it disagreed with me because I need to hear Gary’s voice, Sheetz. Gary’s voice or GTFO.

8:49am: Speaking of voices, friendly PSA that G-Dragon’s voice in “Cafe” is still one of the most beautiful sounds I have ever heard in my life, carry on.

8:51am: Speaking of voices Part 2, yesterday I told Henry that Taemin’s voice reminds me of an opulent, ridiculously expensive rich old lady’s shawl from the 1920s. It’s definitely mauve with various elements of silk, crushed velvet and lace. Delicate, but will keep you warm while making you feel pretty.

9:35am: We’re in Evansburg PA whatever that means. Henry said something about stopping to get Dave Mallo Cups on the way back and I swear he said we were stopping at the Gay Palace and I got sooooo excited without even knowing what it was. Also, here is Chooch in the span of 30 seconds:

9:49am: Henry gets so mad when I imitate him because I make him sound like someone from The Hills Have Eyes, drunk off moonshine, whose parents are siblings. “I DONT TALK LIKE THAT! STOP MAKING ME SOUND LIKE THAT! IM GOING TO START TALKING LIKE THAT IN PUBLIC JUST TO EMBARRASS YOU!”

10:04am: Chris just texted me because she’s talking about Kpop with one of the students on the tour in DC she’s guiding (BECAUSE SHE IS A TOUR GUIDE IN CASE YOU DIDNT KNOW) and now that girl and I are Instagram friends thanks to Chris! I need all the Kpop friends I can get!

10:12am: OK I just put on “Love” by Taemin to try and get Henry to understand my elegant, vintage shawl analogy and he still doesn’t get it so I will leave this here and you can tell me if his voice makes you feel like you’re being gently hugged by luxurious French fabric from the 1920s.

No, watch this one instead! This song makes me weep.

10:55am: Just left the second Sheetz of the trip. I drank half a gallon of water and it took me a while to pee. Here is selfie #2 where I look happier because I’m more awake and caffeinated and over the anger caused by the early-morning tire-change.

12:47pm: ANGER HAS RETURNED. Well you see first henry made me use a restroom in a gas station where three of the four stalls were jam-packed with poop and now he has us at a shitty elderly people restaurant that has no meatless options on the menu, not even a grilled cheese, but he won’t leave. Wow.

Fuck this hick place we left and now Henry is so angry because he can’t eat all of the bloody meat. Sorry, I’m not wasting my time and money at a shitty place in a shitty town. Why is it so hard for him to understand that?! “I hate doing this,” he mumbled when we walked out and I’m like, “Why? I have no fucking problems with it. Grow a pair, Henry.” God he’s so spineless sometimes.

For the record, he told me to find somewhere to eat and I found a place that was literally a minute away from the shitty gas station and he drove past once and couldn’t find it and was like OH WELL IT DOESNT EXIST LETS GET BACK ON THE HIGHWAY SO THAT I CAN FIND MORW WAYS TO RUIN YOUR LIFE.

The restaurant was called ARROWHEAD and it has a LIFESIZE NATIVE AMERICAN DOLL BEHIND GLASS and that sounds amazing but I guess it would gone over Henry’s “fun quota” for the day so here we are, hungry and not speaking to each other.

1:43pm: Henry just fed us lunch from a rest stop vending machine. Mmm, Sour Cream & Chives Baked Lays. Really hit the spot. NO, IT DIDN’T. Also I think it’s hilarious that we’re driving through the Poconos, a destination for LOVERS, when Henry and I hate each other lol.

1:56pm: OK now we’re in the drive-thru at Burger King in some town because at least they have veggie burgers and now we’re just in a hurry to get to where we’re going but when the lady asked Henry if he wanted anything else, he said “Yes two cheeseburgers” and I was like “WHOA WHOA WHOA WHO TOLD YOU THAT YOU CAN EAT TOO?!”

3:14pm: Somewhere near Newark. Henry and I are sort of talking now. But once we get to the hotel, all bets are off because I’m certain he booked some bed bug box because that’s what he’s known for.

3:20pm OMG you guys it’s not even a Red Roof Inn but a Red CARPET Inn. RED WITH BLOOD STAINS. This place is a dump!! “IT’S ALL I COULD FIND!!!” Henry yelled. Apparently there’s a lot going on in Newark this weekend. !???!

OK fine the actual room is not bad at all. It’s actually kind of big and more importantly – clean.

Chooch and I are watching Henry fetch our bags while singing jingles in a Bullwinkle voice.

LOLOLOL he just yelled YOURE MESSING WITH THE WRONG PERSON.

3:53pm: OMG our Lyft driver has very broken English and is telling us jokes and making us do puzzles on a calculator.

4:09pm: Attempting to go to NYC for a little bit since Newark is a shit town with nothing to do. Henry is asking tourist-y questions so I won’t stand near him.

5:02pm: In Penn Station. We all sat separately on the train and it was heavenly. Chooch made friends with th ppl he sat with of course. Also, Seoul Station is a billion times better.

6:43pm: Sitting in Central Park after Chooch dragged us all around catching Pokémon, so lame. You know what’s not lame though? ACCIDENTALLY RUNNING INTO SUPER JUNIOR NEAR TIMES SQUARE AND CHOOCH GETTING HIS PICTURE TAKEN WITH SHINDOG AND MY HANDS MIGHT STILL BE SHAKING BECAUSE DO YOU KNOW HOW CLOSE HE’S BEEN TO TAEMIN???!!!!

9:06pm: We had Korea flashbacks as Henry dragged us all around Manhattan for the last two and a half hours, looking for food. Finally, we settled on NY Pizza Suprema and are happily sitting down.

9:55pm: We’re on the train going back to Newark and it smells like a continuous wet fart on here. There people in front of us are talking about going to KCON tomorrow so now Chooch wants to loudly mention it in an effort to make friends but I’m too tired for socializing so I was like plz no.

10:23pm: In a car with Jorge our Lyft driver, whose name henry pronounce as GEORGE.

he’s ok but then he mumbled something about the weather and Chooch snorted.

Jun 142018
 

Today was otherwise clouded by negative thoughts and feelings so I wanted to list three good things instead of complaining about life and the sleazy Yinzer couple making out in the Strip during my walk.

Ugh.

  1. I got to see Patty today! She came to the Law Firm to visit and I believe it was her first time back since her surgery in 2016. (#fuckcancer) Wendy, Sue and I went upstairs to see her and she had quite the welcoming committee already gathered! It was nice to see that, and even better to see her. On the way back down to our floor, I commented that I barely know anyone from other departments since there’s no reason for us to actually travel to other floors, and all of my communication with lawyers and their assistants is done via email. “Oh I knew everyone up there,” Wendy bragged. Ugh, Wendy.
  2. One more week until KCON!! I’m not too thrilled that it’s in Newark but I’ve been reading old liveblogs from our various road trips (like this one,* which I had Chooch read and he was losing his shit over it because he’s my #1 fan!) because I’m a nostalgia whore, and I’m pretty exciting about the road trip aspect of it. We haven’t road-tripped since last October!
  3. I watched this as soon as I came home from work and it was like my psyche was a cat and this video was a nice person lovingly stroking it with bristled-gloves. Never underestimate the power of music. This video lifted my spirits so fast because these guys are the epitome of getting up, dusting yourself off, and forging through another day. SHINee forever. And ever and ever.

https://youtu.be/GVR5Jx3aNRM

*(Speaking of that referenced live blog, ever since I re-read it last week I have been re-obsessed with Mr Happy Burger and found some poor quality YouTube videos about it which I forced Henry to watch and he was just like, “I still don’t get why you thought that place was so great though.”)

Jun 092018
 

I used to write on here a lot about mental health and my own experience with being bi-polar, and being open about it was something I prided myself on because, after all, it’s not something to be ashamed of.

Have I been suicidal? Yes.

Have I been hospitalized? Yes.

Have I been over-medicated? Yes.

Have I self-harmed? Yes.

I don’t get into it very often on here anymore, but with two recent high-profile suicides shining a light on the issue again, all I see are tweets and Instagram posts reminding people that it’s OK to ask for help.

And this is great!! I love that there is so much love being spread on social media because it helps counter all the inevitable comments and obtuse beliefs that people who kill themselves are selfish or “deserve” it. I don’t care how rich you are, how wonderful your spouse is, how many exotic vacations you take – that doesn’t make a person exempt from mental illness. That shit doesn’t recognize social status.

Today I snapped and ranted about something to Henry:

When you reach a certain point of depression, numbness and ambivalence take over and frankly, maybe you don’t give a shit about asking for help because talking is so goddamn exhausting or you’re afraid you won’t be heard, or you don’t want to burden someone else. Asking for help is not an easy thing to do either. I’ll admit that I mostly just ride it out and those around me are none the wiser. #actingskillz

But second of all, can I tell you how many times in my life I have cried for help, and was met with eye rolls, smirks, flat out derision? Called a drama queen. Accused of “just wanting attention.” Told to “get over myself.”

The amateur explanations and justifications are cool too: “Is your period due?” and “You’re probably just hungry” are among my favorites.

You hear these things enough, and you tend to build walls. I’ve lost so many “friends” (good riddance!) for trying to be honest about what’s going on in my head, how I don’t want to go to their party because the thought of being in a room with strangers makes my throat feel like it has hands around it.

This is why the suicide hotline is available. I know, but sometimes you might just want a familiar shoulder to cry on.

So if someone is trying to open up to you about why they’re sad or feeling flat-out hopeless, try not to judge and rank the severity of their problems because what might sound like something that’s easy for you to shrug off might feel like a ton of bricks on that person’s back. And maybe they’re really struggling to explain it to you. It’s not easy pulling these vague thoughts and abstract emotions out of our hearts and brains and transforming them into some perfect, understandable, familiar package, like spun sugar on a stick.

Sometimes are all I can muster is an “I don’t know!!!” followed by a geyser of tears when someone asks me what’s wrong.

Yes, I talk to Henry about this a lot and he always holds my hand while I wade through through the muck and mire. And I take daily walks while running through the mental list of why my life is worth living, things to look forward to, memories that make me laugh. It’s a struggle, it requires effort, and the sooner we can get everyone on the same page where this is a real problem, not a “phase,” and it’s not going to go away if it’s ignored, then a ton of lives will be saved.

While there is definitely much less stigma than when I was diagnosed in the 90s, it still sometimes feels taboo to talk about, in my own experience, and I know I have definitely made some people uncomfortable with my honesty and bluntness on the subject. So too often, I keep my mouth shut.

What makes it easier to succumb to the sadness is all of the rampant hate in the world. Just walking around the streets of Pittsburgh on my lunch break, the prevalent vibe seems to be ANGER. People screaming at each in traffic, on the sidewalks, into their cellphones. So much anger and hate in the news, too.

I mean, we do live in an age where the go-to Internet roast is telling someone to kill themselves and the current US President is one of the biggest bullies of them all, so clearly there is a lot of work to be done.

Until then: Be patient. Be kind. Be open-minded. Be outspoken. Let’s all turn our phones off more often and paint a picture, write a letter, read a BOOK.

After all, we’re all going through this together.

May 312018
 

Guys. I think Henry would be a great Kpop video reactor and I know he won’t go the YouTube route so I decided to just play him SHINee’s comeback stage and secretly transcribe his candid exclamations. He eventually caught on so I just started to flat out ask him questions which he answered less than enthusiastically.

**************

“Key did that to his hair?”

“What the fuck is Key wearing? It looks like someone found a bag on the street and cut it up and said ‘here wear this’.”

I don’t know but it probably cost like $6000.

“Is Taemin wearing a jumpsuit and it’s not pulled all the way up? It looks like a jumpsuit from the 70s.”

And then he caught on to what I was doing and stopped saying stuff. :(

“There’s lots of color. But I don’t get it. What am I trying to get?” – This was when I asked him if he liked their comeback concept.

Other things to note:

  • Henry doesn’t have a SHINee bias (it’s probably Taemin but he’s too afraid to admit it because I’m super territorial over my biases.)
  • “Yeah that would probably go over real well,” when I suggested that he dress like Minho the next time he has to make a Faygo delivery at work.
  • “Not Key!” – when I asked him who he thinks is the best dressed.
  • “No,” – when I asked him if he was worried that one of them would fall off a chair.
  • “Yeah,” – when I asked him if he likes the song and this is ALL THAT MATTERS. HENRY IS SHAWOL (non-Kpop-fan translation: SHINee fan).
May 282018
 

“Do you think I should LiveBlog the parade? Hello? Why is no one answering me?”

“Ugh, why would you want to, nothing ever happens?! I mean I guess you can—” Chooch groaned.

“Ok I’ll do it since you want me to!”

And that’s how this Memorial Day parade LiveBlog was born.

But first, before the parade starts, SHINee’s back!!! And here is their new video!! I’m trying not to be all doom and gloom because there’s obviously no Jonghyun, which is really weird and leaves a gaping hole in the heart, but this song is really great, I mean truly superb, and I mean, Taemin. Oh for the love of Taemin.

9:46am: Chooch has summoned the neighbor kid to sit on our porch and Henry just looked out the door and said, “I hope they’re going to sit somewhere else” because neighbor kid has a very high-pitched cartoon voice and it drives Henry nuts. The parade starts at 10 but people have been set up since like 8, it’s so bizarre to me because this parade is the lamest and if I had to go any farther than my front porch to spectate…well, best believe that would never happen, so.

10:02am: Blake, Haley, and Calvin are here now (they walked really far across the front yard to get here) and we’re outside having a lovely conversation about Keds.

Calvin loves Chooch!

10:16am: Chooch kept saying this lady was walking around yelling at people. “Ha! She just yelled at Pita*!” Chooch scoffed. But then she got to our sidewalk and said, “Hey guys! Come down to the church down there after the parade! free hotdogs and a bouncy house! It’ll be a good time!”

Yeah, she really told us, Chooch!

*(Pita – Chooch’s frenemy down the street. Not his real name.)

10:18: Some lady somehow made it through the barricades and drove right into the parade. What a Janna thing to do.

10:20: Parade’s starting with a sound we know well here in Brookline – police sirens. See also: Henry’s favorite part of the parade. HE IS A COP SLUT.

“THEYRE NOT ALL BAD!” Henry yelled at me. And then under his breath, “Though, the motorcycle ones all seem to be dicks.”

10:22am: Candy’s being tossed at us but it’s getting mixed up with the glass and smashed car parts from that huge accident a few weeks ago, because NED came back yesterday to get his car which was a casualty of the accident so now all the debris beneath it is exposed. Oh Pioneer Ave.

10:24am: All these cars are parading past with In Memory of Donald James signs but we don’t know who that is. And Chooch just threw a melted Nestle Crunch at us.

10:26am: Sparky the Fire Dog came running over and Chooch got all excited until Sparky passed him up for Calvin lol.

10:34am All the little cars are my favorite part of the parade and now it’s over so what’s the point:

The only good part!

A post shared by Erin Appledale (@ohhonestlyerin) on

Now one of the high school bands are oozing past and I’m reminded of a Memorial Day about 6 years ago when I was working and Henry texted me to say that one of the band people threw an empty water bottle in our yard and I was like OH NO THEY DIDNT and i sent the SUPERINTENDENT an email voicing my displeasure and you best believe I received an apology from him and the band director thank you. (Also I emailed them from my work email which is a Law Firm lol.)

10:39am: Chooch has little kids bringing him candy like they’re his bread shuttles. (THATS KOREAN SLANG FOR THE KIDS BULLIES USE AS THEIR LACKEYS. My blog is so educational.)

1048am: I guess I would be zealously clapping like my neighbor is if I gave a shit about this country. Sigh.

Henry has no comment regarding the parade at this time.

10:53am: Just saw my friend Elaina walk by with the local dance studio! I like knowing people in the parade. It makes me feel like I have worth.

10:54am: The Teen Outreach Center just walked by and they all screamed RILEY!!!! and pelted Chooch with candy lol. Chooch calls the teen outreach center “the cult” and says they’re all hooligans lol.

11:03am: Ok the parade is over. I didn’t get to see any children fall this time but Chooch collected the most candy he’s ever collected probably just because Blake was there to coach him this time. He always leaves half of the candy in the street!!

Well guys, happy Memorial Day if you’re an American and happy Monday to the rest of you. We’re going to go and melt in the ninety degree sun now.

Also, P.S. I want to start my own dance studio so next year we can be in the parade sashaying down the Boulevard to Kpop and by we I mean probably just me and Janna because who else will I ever be able to wrangle?

May 202018
 

Might as well do this because I’m going to be bored waiting for BTS.

  • I just turned this on for BTS but now here I am with face-rain because of Kelly Clarkson saying fuck moments of silence. That was some real fucking shit right there. Thanks Kelly Clarkson for not giving us that thoughts and prayers bullshit.
  • Ariana Grande always looks the same. She can SANG tho.
  • LOL at Kelly Clarkson mentioning BTS and then trying to talk over all the animalistic screams.
  • sorry but I want to punch Taylor Swift in the face I don’t like her at all and she seems like such a backstabbing bitch.
  • I’m glad Cardi B didn’t win that best new artist award because Cardi B. Am I old? Or just tasteful?
  • 18 minutes in and I was inspired by nothing to bring up police brutality so now henry and I are arguing about that.
  • OH NICE TRY WITH THAT COMMERCIAL FACEBOOK.
  • So far what I’m learning is that I haven’t missed much since the last time I listened to American pop radio.
  • But now I want a giant flamingo in my house. Thanks, Dua Lipa. By the way I recently learned that that’s her actual name and not some other language for “Two Lips” or something.
  • I appreciate that a song that’s mostly Spanish won an award in a country full of “SPEAK ENGLISH OR GTFO” motherfuckers. #hope
  • Me: “don’t you feel so proud of BTS?” Henry: “….I guess.”
  • Shawn Mendes (whom I really do like!) is performing in the middle of a bunch of lit-up white roses and I wonder if it reminds Bts of the LED roses at the DDP because it does for me. (Also, Shawn Mendes, you should stay away from Taylor Swift! She’s toxic.)

  • You fake, Tay Tay. Take your award and go home.
  • I didn’t know Ciara was still relevant. I used to LOVE her.
  • Khalid reminds me of a black Blake and now I’m arguing with Henry because he doesn’t see it BECAUSE HE DOESNT HAVE EYES. I’m currently worried that his pants are going to split. (Khalid’s not Blake’s.)
  • I don’t like that John Legend is wearing a white T-shirt under that cream-colored leather jacket. Look I watch a lot of kdramas and Kpop videos so I KNOW SOME THINGS ABOUT FASHION.
  • I love that the Chainsmokers hugged BTS on their way to the stage (THEY COLLAB’d ON BTS’S LAST ALBUM IF U DID NOT KNOW NOW U KNOW. I’M HERE FOR U.)
  • “This is really boring,” – Chooch during Christina Aguilera, who I’m not even going to trash-talk because my Taylor-disdain has used up all my negative energy. Demi Lovato is a queen though. “they have a backing track,” Henry just said because he’s a pro at that.
  • I never finished watching the second season of This Is Us. No spoilers please.
  • FUCK YES GET IT BTS. OUR BABIES. I couldn’t hear what Jimin said, JFC.
  • Ed Sheeran always looks a mess.

“How much more do I have to watch?”

  • I love NEYO! I remember one time back in the day I asked Christina “who do you think is better NEYO or Chris Brown the answer is NEYO but go ‘head.”
  • Can’t take DJ Khalid seriously not for one second.
  • Henry just came downstairs bitching because he could smell my burnt popcorn in the shower lol sorry I like my popcorn smoky.
  • now all the NRA rejects are gonna start with their JUST PLAY MUSIC AND LEAVE THE POLITICS OUT OF IT” bullshit. Thanks for being diligent with including gun control in tonight’s narrative, BBMAs. This performance is fucking touching. Henry wasn’t even watching. You know what that means. HENRY LIKES GUNS
  • guys I love Zedd so much, always have, please please please collab with BTS. (I still think it will be hard for to top “Clarity” with Foxes and “Stay the Night” with Hayley Williams. Those songs are tops for me.
  • hurry up Tay Tay act so surprised that you won Best Album. Fake ass.
  • Henry and Chooch both just thought that Bruno Mars called Janet Jackson autistic. Also Bruno Mars’ outfit is dumb.
  • Now Chooch and Henry are arguing over how old Janet Jackson is. Henry thought she was in her 40s but she’s HENRYS AGE (52). Chooch won.
  • they should let BTS dance with Janet.
  • Chooch waits until now to thrust his gifted school yearbook at me and I’m like really because there were like 11 hours today where I wasn’t watching the BBMAs where you could have had me look at this. Ugh kids amirite.
  • I was with Janet until she name-dropped God.
  • top country song and we all look at our phones.
  • OH FUCK THAT BODY LIKE A BACKROAD SONG. I almost broke my wrist one time being in such a hurry to turn this shit off the radio. I’ve ranted about this song on here before SO I WILL SPARE YOU THE REPRISE.
  • There should be classes that backup singers can take to teach them to look less cheesy. Maybe Phoenix or Devry can whip something up online?
  • Me: “This has to be almost over right?” Henry: “45 more mi—” Me: “Shut your face.”
  • Please don’t let BTS be last I just want to see their precious faces and swoon over their choreo.
  • that one blond backup singer of Kelly Clarkson’s can be the instructor of the backup singer anti-cheese course.
  • I wonder if BTS is out there thinking “aw these westerners look so cute when they try to dance.”
  • YOU GUYS IM CRYING. It’s unreal that BTS’s comeback stage was IN AMERICA at the BILLBOARD MUSIC AWARDS. This is so fucking huge. Kpop forever. But I guess I’ll just wait for their Korea comeback stages to actually see the choreo since NBC focused on the crowd 75% of the time because it’s important for America to see reactions.
  • Also at one point I mistook a cop siren outside for a girl screaming in the audience lol.
  • also part 2: when Jungkook pulled up his shirt and half the crowd had babies.
  • Also part 3 Kelly Clarkson putting on ear muffs before she announced them lol.
  • ok I don’t care about the rest of this. You’re dismissed.

ETA: the police siren I heard was apparently because something is going down at the halfway house* thing up the street. ALWAYS SOMETHING GOING ON HERE ON PIONEER.

*Chooch calls it the Problem House Lol.

May 172018
 

Rue the day I learned about alliteration in elementary school, my friends. Rue the motherfucking day.

Anyway, I got caught in two crazy spring downpours this week and neither of them are that exciting, no one melted or anything, but it was still kind of fun in a carefree, forget-all-your-worries-and-pretend-you’re-a-kid kind of way. We all need a good run in the rain, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

The first one happened on Mother’s Day. It had stormed really hard that morning but then the afternoon had shaped up to be a beautiful, sunny May day so I suggested (lol, j/k: demanded) that we take a family walk in Highland Park to honor my shitty mom-ness. There was little push-back from the guys of the house because they know better than to fuck with me on a holiday where I start out acting like I don’t care that they did nothing for me but then a quarter of the way through it, glass is shattering.

See also: Valentine’s Day, my birthday, Halloween, the other days in between.

Highland Park is really pretty but then there is a HUGE DISGUSTING WATER RESERVOIR THING in the middle of it and even though I know it’s there, it still catches me off guard every time and then Henry starts talking about filtering systems and other gross things and I’m like, “How many hobos piss in this tho, that’s why I don’t drink tap water” and he’s all, “Oh ho ho ho where do you think your bottled water comes from then” and I’m like THE FIJI FUCKING MOUNTAINS, DICKHEAD.

J/K, I drink the filtered tap water at work but sometimes we find like, silt in there and then we report it and the facilities lady is like, “THAT IS NORMAL. JUST DRINK IT. IT WON’T KILL YOU.”

Bitch then why am I typing this from my fucking coffin.

Halfway through our walk, the sky looked like this.

FOREBODING.

But Henry was all, “Don’t worry about it. My weatherman degree tells me that the storm is going to miss hitting us. We’re at the backend of it” and then all I could think about was the storm’s butt.

DISGUSTING WATER FILTERING HOUSE THING!!!!

*GAGBURP*

And then it started raining. Like RAINING. Like the hard pelting kind of rain that actually hurts your flesh. “Run!” Henry yelled and we turned and ran back to a nearby pavilion and you guys, it was so hilarious and fun and not just the fact that we were frolicking in the rain but WATCHING HENRY RUN! Oh god, Chooch and I were dying!

There were several joggers who passed by and Chooch kept yelling, “COME HERE WITH US! BE SAFE!” but then they would see Henry’s menacing and uninviting crossed-arm stance as he leaned against a picnic table, so they would be like, “Nah, it’s all good. We’d rather just drown out here, thanks.”

God, that was a fun Mother’s Day activity! Chooch thought it was hilarious because I was wearing a white shirt, but at least I had a cami on underneath it so I wasn’t trashing up the park with my obscene fashion.

****

On Wednesday, Henry and I dragged ourselves to the school for yet another one of those dumb concerts that Chooch insists on participating in. J/K, we do enjoy watching him sing with the chorus but the band, you guys. The band.

The theme was Sock Hop or something 1950s so all the girls had to wear poodle skirts or whatever. I think a bunch of moms got together and had poodle skirt craft night and I felt so blessed to have a son who only had to wear jeans and a white t-shirt, purchased an hour before the concert, thank you very much. Chooch was already at the school when we arrived, standing out front with his friend Sharyn, passing out the programs*. I noted immediately that Chooch was already sweating through his shirt, literally 20 minutes after putting it on, so that was cool.

*(The program is how I learned that my kid is secretary of the Chorus. “Did we know this?” I whispered to Henry. “I did,” he said with what might have been mistaken for…triumph? if Henry was actually capable of showing emotions. But he’s not, so maybe he has suppressing a burp or swallowing diamonds that he needed to hide from the Albanian mob.)

We sat down in the second row which was The Big Time for us because usually we hunker down in the very back. Actually, we had no choice but to sit there because it was the only two empty seats left. While Henry critiqued the poor program-printing (he always fixates on this), I eavesdropped on the family in front of us arguing about YANNY or LAUREL. I was obsessed with the mom (she was so pretty and cool and Asian) and realized that she’s my soul mate when I found out that she heard YANNY. (Henry heard LAUREL because he’s basic.)

There seemed to be A LOT of screaming babies in that cafeteria, more than usual, and they were FEEDING off each others’ wails. The baby behind me was doing this bizarre mogwai-gurgle that I was starting to suspect it had JUST BEEN BORN that day; it sounded so fresh from the womb.

I don’t know what’s worse though: crying babies or elementary school band?

This time  the show wasn’t so bad because the usual band director couldn’t be there and he is such a pompous jerk! The chorus teacher took over and did both parts of the spring program and sorry regular band teacher, but she did a much better job.

All the songs sounded like one long, drawn-out Christmas song to me though, until the very end when they played Love Me Tender and the lady behind me shouted, “OH, I KNOW THIS ONE!” Same, lady. Same.

Henry didn’t clap for them once.

And then the chorus came out and they all looked so cute! Chooch got to announce “Rock Around the Clock” and he enthusiastically said “Bill Haley and the Comets” with this weird hip-swivel and a bunch of people started laughing.

That’s my son, I whispered as I sunk down in my seat.

During the concert, it began to downpour. Like, possibly harder than the one we were caught in on Sunday. Henry only brought one umbrella and no way a family of three was going to fit under it. He kept telling us to just hang back and wait it out, but I was like, “BITCH I’M HUNGRY I’M GOING HOME” because I had barely eaten anything all day since I had to fast for the dumb wellness exam at work and then didn’t have any Cream of Wheat for lunch and I know what you’re thinking CAN’T SHE GO TO A STORE why yes, yes, I can! BUT I DIDN’T FEEL LIKE IT SO I ATE RAINBOW GOLDFISH FOR LUNCH INSTEAD.

That’s the beauty of being an adult.

After a full minute of “waiting it out,” in the school lobby, Chooch & I were like SEEYA SUCKER & ran home with the only umbrella, leaving Henry there at the school umbrella-less, waiting out the rain, but joke’s on me because WHO WILL MAKE MY DINNER.

The best part is that the people at the school were probably like “Aw that’s nice, they must be coming back with the car to get their dad.” LOL NO.

We only live two-ish blocks from the school (I don’t understand how blocks work) but that rain was pelting down on us so hard that it was knocking us around! And the road was already flooding (seriously) so we were terrorized by cars flying through the road-lakes and I had white shoes on that are probably ruined now, j/k Henry will wash them haha.

The best part is that now it was Chooch’s turn to be the one in the white t-shirt.

Then Henry had the audacity to tell me to bring an umbrella up to him and I was like, “Are you kidding me? Put your big boy pants on and run home, tough guy!”

Then I told Henry to ask the vice principal for a ride home since they’re BBFs apparently (Henry had to talk to him a lot back when Chooch was the school menace in 4th grade, good riddance to THAT year) and then I got a FLOOD WARNING on my phone, so I told him to just float home like he’s on the Lazy River at Sandcastle (that’s a waterpark in Pittsburgh in case you don’t live here and think I’m getting lost in my dumb imagination again) and then Chooch and I were practically peeing our pants with laughter and it wouldn’t have mattered if we had because we were already drenched.

And then looked what washed ashore!

I was like, “ARE YOU MAD AT US” and he started to say something about how it’s just rain but I was already interrupting him to tell him to make our dinner.

And so he did. The end.

May 102018
 

I had all kinds of plans to write some more about our trip on here today, but I am surrounded by so many distractions! Mostly the walking challenge, which I swore I wouldn’t let get the best of me, yet here I am on the final stretch, exhausted and rarely settling for anything less than 30,000 steps.

Lou (see also: #ughlou) sent out an email to the department the other day because he brought in some cookies his wife made so I replied (held back and didn’t reply all) and said “Maybe you should hand deliver one to everyone so you can get some steps” and then he had some lame excuse about having pink eye and Wendy was like “Yeah. But your legs still work!” And Carrie said, “Pink eye. Not pink foot.”

When we came in fifth place again, Carrie pointed out that this is actually pretty impressive for a three-member team and you know what, she is RIGHT.

#ughlou

If I had registered as an individual, I’d be in second place but the person in first has nearly 100,000 steps more than me! (Total steps, not daily.) Bitch how?! They clearly work at home on a treadmill. I mean, if I didn’t have to go to work everyday, I’d have lots more steps! BUT I HAVE TO SIT AT MY DESK SOMETIMES.

The other distraction is, as always, Kpop videos. So many good ones have been coming out this spring but lately I am super-feeling this one by VIXX:

VIXX has such beautiful concepts for their music videos. I have watched this one over and over because it’s mesmerizing, plus the song is gold.

Also, I just found out last weekend that Henry apparently doesn’t like VIXX at all but he can give me nothing to back his claim. This is crazy to me because my #1 most played song of 2017 according to Spotify was VIXX’s Shangri-La so be must have been in major ear-hell every time I’d get in the car after work and fucking blast it.

It just goes to show how different we are because if he put on something I hated, I would probably start hissing in tongues and clawing upside crosses into his back.

While he was driving.

And then bring it up for the next 30 years.

“REMEMBER THAT TIME YOU PUT ON TED NUGENT IN THE CAR?!?!?!”

Anyway, I have accumulated my 30,000 steps for the day and I’m going to pass out in my bed now and hopefully buy KCON tickets tomorrow, wooooo!

Apr 302018
 

For those who are like, so over the vacation recaps, here’s a blog post chockful of happenings from last week. Tres exciting. Oui oui.

NEIGHBOR “NED”‘S BACK

So my neighbor (“Ned”) who was recently raided in a drug bust (his hearing is next month, we checked lol) and GAVE CHOOCH AND ME A FAKE NAME stopped by last Saturday to get the rest of his stuff (can’t wait to see who my next neighbors will be #help) and I was spying from my window when it occurred to me that I’m always pointing my neighbors out to my friends like “THAT’S THE ONE ON HOUSE ARREST” or “SHE MIGHT RUN A METH LAB” or whatever but I wonder if any of them are like “THAT’S THE PSYCHO WHO IS ALWAYS JOGGING IN PLACE OR DANCING TO WEIRD KOREAN MUSIC IN FRONT OF THE WINDOW.”

But holy shit, Ned came back the next day too to get the rest of his stuff and I was dying to talk to him but I held back. But then I saw him out there taking pictures of the damage that was done to his car and I just couldn’t help myself, I ran out there without any makeup on because I needed him to know what happened to his car. Henry was leaving at the same time to take Chooch to his piano lesson and I could tell he was dismayed that I went out there and involved myself.

Wow, I thought he’d brush me off but NO, he started talking to me ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED THAT DAY!

“You were there when it happened, right?” he asked, and I was like, “Hoooo boy, are we really going to talk about this right now, this is so WISTERIA LANE!” but it turns out he was only asking because he wanted to know if I remembered what time everything happened.

“I think around 6:00am,” I answered thoughtfully.

“Are you sure?” he asked, “because those guys in that house said it was about 5:30.”

As I was mulling this, he told me that the search warrant said the cops couldn’t come in before 6 and he was sure that they did, and he has an investigator on the case, and he’s going to come and talk to the other neighbors, could he come and talk to me too?

“YES, SEND HIM TO ME. I WILL TALK TO HIM,” I said firmly, dying at the chance to bring down the popo, especially after Ned told me about the racist bullshit they said to him that day.

Meanwhile, the broad who was living there with him is in jail! He said something about how she violated her work probation or something, all I know is that I’m sure she framed him and this was all about her all this time so I don’t care that she’s in jail.

After I wished Ned good luck, I came in the house and called Henry.

“No, it was probably around 6,” Henry said, while I was screaming about him about being. “Here, I’ll check my texts and see what time you texted me about it that morning….it was 6:03am.”

“NO, probably that’s just when I woke up and they had already been in the house for QUITE SOME TIME!” I yelled.

Then I asked Chooch when he came home from piano.

“Mmm, it was after si—-”

“NO YOU’RE WRONG, YOU IDIOT, IT WAS LIKE 5:30, GOD!!!” I cried. “I can’t wait to talk to that investigator, I’m on a fucking crusade for Ned’s innocence,” I said.

“Well, if you have to testify, they might as well just put him in jail now. You have NO control over your temper,” Henry sighed.

SPRINGTIME PLAYGROUND TRIPS

Just the other day, we drove past one of the playgrounds in Brookline and I felt kind of sad that Chooch is well past the age of playground trips, but I also felt relieved too because I always hated the inevitable small talk that would happen when a mom would sidle up beside me. UGH.

But then last Sunday, Blake asked if we wanted to walk to the playground with him, Haley, and Calvin. EFF YES WE DID! I needed steps for the walking challenge! And you know, we’re always up for hanging out with fam.

One thing that hasn’t changed — Chooch still sucks at pushing himself on a swing.

And one thing that HAS changed: Calvin can walk now!

We stopped at Las Palmas on the way back and I used this as my opportunity to snap a pic of my longtime taco cart boyfriend. Henry was just like, “Whatever.”

WALKING CHALLENGE UPDATE: WEEK ONE

The results for week one were released and I was pleasantly surprised to see that I made it in fourth place for individual walkers without even really trying, and my team made it in the Top 3! (YOU’RE WELCOME, C.E.W.L. AND THE GANG.) I won a $10 Starbucks gift card for my efforts, but I will likely not win anything in the next mini-challenge, which is “best healthy recipe.” Glenn was like, “Yeah, maybe Henry could win that one for you” but I’M NO CHEATER. So I won’t be submitting anything for that mini-challenge.

“Stop walking so much,” Ethan said to me when I passed him in the hallway, and then Sandy called out, “Professional walker!”

“I’m back!” I laughed, and you know what? IT FELT GOOD. I think sitting out during those last several Walking Challenges was a good thing because I feel less burdened.

We’ll see how I feel when the next week of results are released though, lol.

CHOOCH’S BIRTHDAY WAS THE WORSTDAY

I had the day off on April 25th because it’s my annual “nursing phantom c-section pains” and “wallowing in self-pity for having a [insert age]-year-old.” Did you know that I have horrible luck when it comes to taking off random days in the middle of the week? Well, I do. And this day was no different. I noticed that Drew was acting super weird, walking around the house and then squatting like she had to pee or poop, but nothing was coming out. She never goes to the bathroom outside of her litterbox, so that in and of itself was bizarre. Immediately, I was like DREW IS DYING and was in panic-mode until Henry came home from work and we were able to take her to the vet for an emergency appointment. At first, the vet said that it appeared Drew had a bladder blockage, which I had read on the Internet earlier because YOU CAN’T TELL ME YOU DON’T GOOGLE WORST CASE SCENARIOS TOO, but that this was very rare in a female cat which I had also read earlier, and this was the part where I was waiting for her to basically tell us this was the feline version of the Crying Game but no, Drew is still a girl and the X-rays actually revealed NOTHING, no stones or crystals which meant no surgery, and the vet was able to physically express Drew’s bladder THANK GOD so crisis averted but this still cost us so much that we had to pay out of three different accounts, oh that Paycheck-to-Paycheck lyfe, y’all! Honestly though, we were so grateful and relieved to be bringing home a healed and healthy cat that I would gladly pay that again.

Chooch: Guess I’m not getting a birthday present now.

Me: We just kept your goddamn cat alive – WE GAVE U THE GREATEST GIFT OF ALL.

Ugh! Kids! And pets!!

We weren’t home for more than ten minutes when I stepped on the edge of one of the cats’ scratch pads and rolled my ankle so far that the top of my foot was touching the floor.

WOW THAT FELT GOOD!

I honestly can’t remember the last time I was in so much pain that I was screaming out loud. I fell back onto the chaise, writhing in pain, and screaming WHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYY like the Nancy Kerrigan of the Law Firm Walking Challenge, trying to find a way to blame whoever was in fifth place for Week One.

Somehow, I was able to walk it off, literally, but ended up walking with a slight limp for the rest of the week. That was a close call, C.E.W.L. and the Gang, but don’t worry – I’D WALK ON CRUTCHES IF I HAD TO.

We were both doing much better by the next day.

Honestly though thank god this little nutcase is back to her normal, spring-footed self.

BTS WORLD TOUR

Sometime last week, I started to see rumors that BTS was about to announce a world tour. I got excited for a split second and then felt immediately stressed and hoped that it actually was just a rumor because I wasn’t prepared for this. Not at all. Especially not after just dropping $500 on a vet bill (LOVE YOU, DREW). But then it was announced on Thursday and I was immediately thrown into psychological turmoil, thinking of all the things around the house I can sell. (ANYONE WANT A 12-YEAR-OLD WHO ENJOYS SHOVELING SNOW IN THE WINTER?!) And then the very next day, it was announced that tickets are going on sale NEXT WEEK. NEXT FUCKING WEEK! Like, give some Armys a chance to fucking scrounge up their allowances OK?! (J/K I’m not an Army but I do like BTS a lot.)

Henry jokingly said it was too bad that BTS tickets weren’t one of the Walking Challenge prizes and an image of the bloody stumps I once called “feet” flashed across my vision because bitch you best believe I would walk until I collapsed for a chance to win tickets.

“You’re going to have to start doing odd jobs around town,” I said to Henry, very matter-of-factly. “Like, surely someone needs their chimney swept or something.”

“Yes, because that’s exactly something I know how to do, sweep chimneys,” Henry said with a mouthful of sardonicism. WOW I THOUGHT HENRY COULD DO EVERYTHING. So much for the Mary Poppins role-playing I had in mind for later.

At one point Saturday night, Henry called out from the kitchen, “WHAT are you doing?” Oh, I was just laying upside down on the arm of the couch with my arm splayed across my face, thinking of how impossible my chances of getting tickets are. These fuckers are going to sell out so fast, between Armys, dumb Americans who just jumped on the bandwagon thanks to motherfucking Ellen DeGeneres and that awful Desiigner remix, but most of all THE TICKET RESALE COMPANIES. Oh, I just feel sick.

Add to that the fact that Henry heard one of their songs at the grocery store, and I had no idea they were at “grocery store sound system” levels of fame in the US so RIP any hope I had for getting even a nosebleed seat.

Send me prayers on May 5th, you guys.

UPDATE: Wendy just told me that she would help me get BTS tickets if I paint her house. I don’t think I like BTS that much, though.

IMPORTANT WORK NEWS

The new admin assistant started last week and I really like her! I’m not sure if anyone told her yet that she’s acquiring a new Work Child with her position, but she has several adult children so what’s one more, right? Glenn was like, “Hopefully she knows how to cut apples.” I mean, duh.

(I literally, as I’m writing this, woke up Henry to cut an apple for me and then I didn’t even finish it because it’s NOT SO GREAT.)

I said something to Todd about how hopefully she will start buying me presents too and he was like, “Yeah, I don’t see that happening.”

CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.

I mean, we walked out of work together today and I basically saved her from getting hit by a car and by that I mean we were crossing the street and there was a car way at the other end and I was closest to it, so….I pretty much blocked her.

***********************************

Well, that’s all for now. The Korea posts will resume tomorrow, GET SOME SLEEP TONIGHT, lol.

Apr 292018
 

My only plans for this weekend consisted of walking & more walking, but we did sprinkle in some other things too. Nothing too riveting, but here are some pictures anyway while I’m taking a break before my last surge toward 30,000 steps. (I have a sickness. Help me.)

Saturday morning, we went to the gifted center because Chooch has been taking some kind of Lego robotics class there on Saturdays and this was the last class until next fall, so parents got to come in and see what their kids had accomplished. In our case, there wasn’t much to see because, as expected, Chooch spent the year doing more socializing with his partner Jamin than actual coding. Jamin proved this as well when he arrived later and struggled to show his family what he had been working on. It was whatever though because those classes were free for gifted kids and he made a friend out of it, so we can’t complain.

We were one of the first to arrive though and I was in dire need of coffee. There was a Keurig on the snack table with a wide array of K-cups so I waltzed right on over and helped myself because when I need coffee, I am suddenly Miss Independant. I took my coffee and sat down at a table, acutely aware that no one was else was scavenging the snack table but I didn’t care.

Moments later, a small crowd of parents had clustered in front of the Keurig and there was a hushed dialogue of “Are we allowed to use this?”

“I smelled coffee when I walked down the hall and now it’s all I want,” one parent said wistfully as I sat back and openly chugged on the root of the scent they were talking about. LOL just make a fucking cup of coffee you weirdos! Shit.

We came home to two packages from Maya! One of them contained a delicious assortment of K-snacks and it brought a tear to my eye. It was almost like being in South Korea again! I immediately dumped it all out into my Running Man bowl, with Pentagon performance videos playing on the TV in the background. KOREA FOREVER! 감사합니다, Maya!!

Later that afternoon, we went to Tillie’s for Chooch’s belated birthday lunch. It was a wonderful meal as always (Tillie’s is super good Italian, and their homemade gnocchi is the best I’ve had this side of Italy, thanks) and we were so giddy because Christina had made me download some stupid Marco Polo app earlier so we sent her all kinds of dumb videos and the waiter was like THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING every time he rolled up to our table.

I couldn’t leave without taking a post-eggplant romano bathroom selfie. I always laugh when I come in this bathroom because Janna brought  me here several years ago for my birthday and I turned the light on her while she was in this bathroom, lolololol. My whole life has been devoted to punking Janna.

After we left Tillie’s, I made Henry pull over so I could take a picture of this gorgeous Russian Orthodox church and then do the traditional point to the People’s Building while saying, “I used to work there,” as if Henry doesn’t know that by now.

Later that evening, Henry Oppa veered from the traditional fare and instead made Korean BBQ tofu sliders with kimchi slaw, and that slaw was motherfucking Last Supper-levels of divine, my friends. Pass some down to Peter, and don’t forget Mary Magdalene if you know what I’m saying. #BibleStuff

Here are two random pictures of Drew in my room:

We ended Saturday night with a really good hour of kpop dance cardio and I was proud of Henry for putting forth a bit more effort than he normally does. Usually if there is anything involving arm movement, he’ll just keep his arms down at his side, but I caught him putting one of his hands under his chin during one of the routines, JUST LIKE YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO DO!! One day, Henry and I will have our own k-fitness channel, I can’t wait.

Today has been pretty boring and lowkey. I’ve just been walking a lot while watching my k-dramas and panicking about the upcoming kpop concerts that I can’t afford. What a life, right?

I’ve been on a heavy SHINee kick all weekend and have visions of Henry, Chooch, and me arriving places in perfect kpop formation:

I don’t think it’s going to come to fruition though.

Then Henry made this wonderful noodle dinner for me :

Long live Henry though for real. He is such a good cook and I appreciate that a year and a half later, he hasn’t tired of cooking Korean meals for me every single day of his life.

After dinner, we went to Crafton Ice Cream Delight and I was so excited when Chooch ordered the apple pie sundae because I wanted to get it too but knew it would make me sick, so now I could just eat some of his and he hates sharing with me so this made it taste even better.

I was bitching about how it better worth it since it cost $6.95 and then the guy slid it out of the pick-up window and I was like, “OH OK HOLY SHIT THAT’S WORTH IT.” It was a large and in charge sundae. I’m glad I didn’t order it for myself because I’d be in the bathroom puking right now instead of writing this worthless blog post.

I just got a small vanilla cone with chocolate peanut butter dip. I originally ordered the cake batter dip BUT IT WAS DISCONTINUED. I have a really great track record of getting screwed at ice cream joints.

I snapped this picture of Henry and was all excited to post it on Instagram because he’s smiling and just I was about to type in some poignant caption about how ice cream brings our family together or whatever the fuck, Henry yelled JUST EAT YOUR ICE CREAM AND SHUT UP to Chooch, who had just mimicked Henry noisily eating his ice cream. Oh god, I love my family, LOL.

And now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go and finish walking my way to 30,000 steps. IT’S CRUNCH TIME.

Here’s a live performance of one of my favorite SHINee songs. I just said to Henry, “Onew’s face is so joyful. I wish you would just watch this once” and he snapped, “I’VE ALREADY WATCHED THIS BEFORE.” Wow.

I think this is going to be my official Walking Challenge theme song but instead of “I’m love sick” it’ll be “I’m step sick.” I NEED A DOCTORRRRRRR.

Apr 212018
 

I always say I’m not going to be surprised when the weather goes batshit, because Pittsburghers should be used to it, but good lord this last week has been infuriating. Last Friday, it was starting to finally feel like spring and I even left the house without a jacket when I met Kara for breakfast at Dorstop! And the next day actually felt like July – I went with Henry and Chooch for a walk on some bike trail thing and even though I am a Professional Walker, it was too much too soon and I felt really lethargic and sick for the rest of the day.

And then it snowed three separate days later in the week so I had to go back to wearing my winter coat and scarf. In mid-April.

We took advantage of the warmth on Saturday though and got our first Al’s of the season! I say that like we’re regulars there when I think it was only probably the third time we’ve gone. I was sad though because the only reason I wanted to go was because last time I had this SIMPLY DIVINE (lol) Mexican fried ice cream topping and I needed that so bad on Saturday for some reason.

BUT NOW THEY DON’T HAVE IT ANYMORE.

At least, I don’t think they do. Chooch freaking ordered like it was his last ice cream on earth before Henry and I even made it to the window, so then the lady was looking at all expectantly, order pad in hand (I’ve never seen an ice cream…barista?…write down orders before!) and people were behind us now and we felt RUSHED and OBLIGATED to order immediately.

So we both got twists with crunchies as a topping.

Thanks, Chooch.

I mean, that’s probably what we would have ordered anyway, but still.

THANKS, CHOOCH.

Speaking of Chooch, his cat is a fucking nutcase. She started jumping on him and perching on his shoulders like a parrot several months ago (in fact, moments before I took this picture, she had jumped straight on top of his head and stood there with all four paws touching like an elephant standing on a ball). But now, she does this to Henry and me, too! It stresses me out so much because she only does this when we’re standing, and every morning before work, I stand in front of the TV and jog in place* while watching kpop stuff so I’m a prime piece of furniture for her now, apparently. The other day, I caught her started to pounce and I moved out of the way just in time and thank god because I was wearing a silk shirt! God, that would have hurt.

So that’s a thing that happens in my house now.

*(Side note: Another walking challenge started at work last Monday and I originally wasn’t going to do it but then Carrie asked me to be on a team with her and Lou, and I was like “Ugh, Lou, but OK fine” and then we roped in Wendy, so Lou named our team C.E.W.L. and the Gang even though I think 3 Girls and a Lou-ser is better. I’ve been averaging 22,000 steps a day without trying too hard because my lifestyle is way different now than it was back in the days of the original walking challenges, and I think I have been pretty calm about it. I haven’t berated my teammates and I don’t feel like flagellating myself if I don’t get 71234807230847 steps now. I mean, not like I was super militant about it in the past or anything.)

Oh, you want more work tales? Well, we had a huge cake the other day because two of our peoples are leaving us :( The next day, I was on late shift and was asked to:

  1. take some cake home
  2. cover the leftovers in plastic wrap and put it back in the fridge

A simple request, you’re thinking. If so, wow, how novel it must be to be so FUNCTIONING!!! Because I, on the other hand, was freaking out. The plastic wrap was so jacked on the roll that I couldn’t pull any out and the sheath of it that was already covering part of the cake from the day before had icing all over it and I didn’t want to touch it, ughhh. So I’m standing there holding this degenerate roll of plastic wrap, staring at this cake that has been butchered by too many cakecutters in the kitchen (Carrie should have just been on stand-by all day with the knife because her cake-cutting skills are legit! My cake-cutting method involves only my hands and zero skill.)

I didn’t feel comfortable asking any of the other people in the office on late shift because I’m not very close to them so they don’t know my neurotic levels of incompetency, so I did what I had to do…..

…..

…..

…..

…..

…..

…..

Yes sir, I texted Henry, who was already on his way to pick me up and said “Sue asked me to put the cake away before she left can you help” and his response was “how much cake is there” so I said “a lot” because I didn’t know how to measure and hahaha he came in to help me and immediately was like, “REALLY ERIN THIS CAKE IS ALREADY MOSTLY COVERED?!” but there were pieces that were already cut and on plates that weren’t covered, and also a peninsula off the east coast of the main cake that wasn’t covered by the original piece of plastic wrap because I didn’t want to touch it long enough to stretch it over.

See also: IT HAD ICING ON IT.

So Henry’s solution was to just take that piece home but that would have been EVEN WORSE FOR ME TO DO ON MY OWN thank god I made him come up. And then he carried the huge box into the kitchen, where I opened the fridge door for him and yelled Team Work which made him glare at me.

Then since he was there and I still had a few more minutes left of work, I gave him a bunch of stuff of Halloween decorations I found while cleaning out my desk for my move and said, “Here take this down to the car with you.”

Get yourself a multi-purpose Henry!

In other weird weather week news, Chooch casually mentioned over the weekend that he missed Korean food and I said, “SON, SPEAK NO LOUDER I HEAR YOU” and that’s how we ended up at Korea Garden on Sunday for lunch and it was grand but not as grand as, you know, actually being in Korea which I still cry about every day. Chooch had bibimbap and I’m so proud that he actually reaches for the gochujang now. People really can change!

Our favorite Korean restaurant in Pgh is Nak Won Garden, but Korea Garden has a nice atmosphere too. Both of those restaurants are always filled with Korean people every time we go, so that’s how you know a Korean restaurant is legit! I didn’t want to write about this because it still makes me so angry, but the day after we got home from Korea, Chooch went back to school but Henry and I still had one more day off so I suggested that we get Korean food for lunch. We went to this place called the Golden Pig and this review sadly has nothing to do about the people running it or the quality of the food, but moreso the experience we had with the so-called “regulars” who made us feel like shit for being there.

Golden Pig is very, very, very small. It has a counter that seats maybe 5 people, and then two or three (but I think two) tall tables with three chairs each. We arrived right on the heels of two white men who very clearly are regulars of the place, so they sat at the counter and immediately started talking to the, I assume, husband and wife owners who were in the kitchen. As soon as we sat down at a table, I turned and looked out the window just in time to see a literal procession of cars pulling into the parking lot. Within 5 minutes, every seat was taken and there were groups of people waiting outside.

This isn’t some trendy restaurant in the heart of hipster Pittsburgh, you guys. It’s out kind of far in a place called Cecil and not in an urban setting at all. But it turns out that most of these people were coming from the same company, I guess, because the restaurant was filled with, “HEY FRED I DIDN’T KNOW YOU COME HERE TOO” and things of that cordial work-bro nature. That was mildly uncomfortable only because it made Henry and me feel like outsiders and we were crashing a party, and people definitely kept looking at us.  I didn’t like it.

All blue-collared white people. This fact is important.

Then these ladies who were sitting at the counter knew the guys at the table next to us so they kept turning around and talking to them about what they liked to order there and THEY WOULDN’T EVEN USE THE PROPER KOREAN NAMES and the one lady was like, “Oh, what are things we like? The sushi roll things” and she was poring over the menu while Henry was mouthing, “DON’T” to me because I was bouncing in my seat in anguish, the pure desire to shout out, “KIMBAP!” made me have actual shakes.

But this isn’t the worst part. It came later, after our food was served, and I had this dolsot pot of bubbling hot kimchi jjigae in front of me which, have you ever had anytime of jjigae / Korean stew? It is SCALDING HOT. You absolutely cannot eat this right away. So I’m sorry, but when I ordered it, I didn’t know that there would be a mass of hungry Cecil-ites congregating inside and outside of this tiny, tiny, tiny restaurant, coveting my table.

Oh, but there was!

Particularly, this one bitch and her husband (I guess? She put her head on his chest at one point). I didn’t see them at first because they were standing inside the doorway out of my view, but Henry said that they were staring at him the whole time, watching him eat. I didn’t notice them until the moved farther into the restaurant to get something to drink out of the cooler behind Henry. Then they just stood there, so now I was the one facing them. I didn’t much much attention to them at first, but after a few minutes I had this paranoid feeling that they were talking about me, and every time I looked up, the bitch was looking right at me.

But it wasn’t until I caught her MOCKING ME BLOWING ON MY SPOON that I went from mild-paranoia to table-flipping urgency within seconds.

“THOSE PEOPLE ARE LITERALLY TALKING ABOUT ME!” I said to Henry, LOUDLY in the tone that he just loves because it means I just stepped into my PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE BITCH jumpsuit and I’m ready to take flight in my rocket TO PETTYVILLE.

“I know,” he said quietly. “They’ve been staring at us since they got here. Fuck them,” and continued to eat his whatever chicken because he has way more patience and integrity than me, who was ready to launch my whole dolsot pot into her face, BE STRONG, ERIN.

As soon as I said that to him, she got all bristled and turned her back toward to me and put her face in her husband’s chest and I gave him a disgusted, “WHY DO YOU SUPPORT HER BEHAVIOR?!” grimace. So then he hurriedly looked away too.

But really? Of all the people there, you need to have OUR TABLE? You can’t wait for your turn like everyone else, or perhaps focus on the two guys who arrived before us and were already finished eating but still sitting at the counter and talking? OR MAYBE GO SOMEWHERE ELSE? I know I can be hateful but I cannot imagine ever walking into a place and being such a cunt to a total stranger. I wish you guys could have seen the way she imitated me, for no reason, just because I was sitting at a table and she wasn’t!?

And then!!! The ladies at the counter were all, “Oh  my god, do you guys want to sit down?” and moved over so they could have room at the counter and I was like, “WHY ARE YOU BEING NICE TO THEM!?” and then they were talking about their favorite dishes there and the CUNT said in her gravelly redneck  Yinzer throat scrape, “My favorite is the sweet potato noodle, I get it all the time.”

WELL THEN CALL IT JAPCHAE, YOU DUMB BITCH!!!!!!!

Anyway, my whole point to this story is that we had just spent 10 days in another country, being the token foreigners in most of the restaurants we ate at, and not once were we EVER made to feel like we didn’t belong  there. In fact, no one ever even gave us a second glance. Yet, here we are back in Trump’s America, getting low-key harassed by some entitled cunt who feels like she belongs in a restaurant more than we do.

Now I’m irate all over again. So many people experience that condescending and denigrating attitude EVERY DAY OF THEIR LIVES in this damn country. So many people. I’m not saying that I felt like a victim by any means here because fuck that white trash bitch, but it was just like a big fat WELCOME HOME slap to the face, you know? The way some people treat each other here is sickening.

AND THAT’S THE END OF THIS DUMB POST.

Apr 202018
 

Me: I just don’t understand why we have to tell them more than once!!!

Henry: …they’re cats?….

Hey peeps, I don’t have much time to post anything substantive today (why do the imaginary groans in my head sound sarcastic?!) but here instead are some photos of my cat Penelope, a/k/a Peen Lop. She’s a real piece.

Here she is the other night when she and Henry were already in bed (she loves him) and I had the audacity to come up an hour later.

She was very mad about this.

And here she is looming over one of my last remaining plants. I made some snide remark about she was going to destroy it and then guess who knocked it over a few hours later?

Me.

That’s all I’ve got. Have a great weekend!

Apr 152018
 

At approx 7pm Sunday night, I was just sitting on the couch, minding my own, drooling over watching The Bride of the Water God….

Image result for bride of the water god

…when I heard a series of otherworldly, apocalyptic BOOMS.

My first inclination was to think that a plane crashed in my front yard and was now milliseconds away from sliding into my house. Chooch thought our neighbor who is always working on his car dropped something because yes, the last time I checked, a wrench hitting the ground of a garage sounds exactly like 7349823 tons of metal being crushed and accordioned in our front yard.

But no – just some broad who totaled not one but FIVE cars parked along our street before coming to a stop right next to “Ned’s” abandoned car.

Henry, with his constant need to insert himself into everyone’s 911 narrative, practically swan dove out the front door mid-dinner prep, Ziploc bag of chicken still in hand, and was FIRST ON SCENE THANK THE FUCKING LORD. You know what you have, you fucking Cub Scout? A goddamn hero complex. Don’t deny it, Hank.

(Actually, Chooch and I didn’t know that Henry was out there, chicken-in-hand, until 30 minutes later when he finally left things in the hands of the TRAINED PROFESSIONALS, and he was heroically marching to the house, bag of marinated chicken swinging joyfully at his side.

“OMG YOU HAD THAT IN YOUR HAND THAT WHOLE TIME YOU ARE SO EMBARRASING!” I screamed, while Chooch was on the phone with his friend from down the street saying “YEAH SHE HIT LIKE FIVE CARS DIDNT YOU HEAR IT?!” There was a lot going on.)

HNC’s wife was second on scene, tied with some other lady down the street who was all concerned about the well-being of whoever was behind the wheel because she didn’t know yet that her BRAND NEW BMW was one of the victims of the side-swiping. Anyway, HNC’s wife called 911 while Henry and the Italian guy in the next house over talked to the broad-perp, convincing her to stay in the car.  Henry, who knows everything, wrote in his (I Wish I Was The) police report that her side airbags went off but not the drivers one. Fascinating.

Eventually, a healthy crowd had congregated. The Italian guy’s daughter at some point realized that her car was also victimized and she was out there crying (apparently it was her birthday too which I deduced from the 6 times her dad sarcastically said “Happy Birthday” to her) then Chooch’s nemesis Larry came out with his dog and he was HAMMERED (Larry, maybe the dog too) and Chooch’s other nemesis The Witch emerged at some point because we live on a street of fucking vigilantes.

I guess the lady is ok, or as ok as one can be after annihilating a block of cars. She didn’t leave with the ambulance.

Now they’re looking for “Ned” and I’m like “oh hello his house was raided last month and he moved out and left his car. Don’t think he’ll mind that one whole entire side has even ripped off, probably the least of his concerns right now.” It’s kind of ironic though because every day since we’ve been home from My Kingdom a/k/a Korea, I’ve been mindlessly asking no one in particular, “What’s going to happen to ‘Ned’s’ car?”

The tow truck guy came over and was talking to me and Henry almost booted me backward into the basement so he could do the talking but the tow truck driver wasn’t interested in talking to Henry because he doesn’t have boobs.

“Why didn’t you tell the cops about ‘Ned’ when they were knocking on his door?” Henry asked.

“Because they didn’t ask me and I hate cops and won’t initiate conversation with them,” I said haughtily because how does he not know this? I’ll talk to the cute tow truck driver though. HE ASKED ME IF I WAS OK what a Prince!!!

Look at her car! The one front wheel is UNDERNEATH IT. She is so lucky that she is ok and that the only damage that incurred was to a bunch of parked cars and no human beings or worse — ANIMALS. Our sidewalk is heavy with pedestrian traffic and dog walkers so thank god no one was out there at that exact moment.

[Chooch’s review: It was spooky.]

When I first moved to the street in 1999 (ugh, I’m a townie at this point), the people living next door at the time gave me the sagest advice ever: DO NOT PARK ON THE STREET. The amount of accidents we’ve seen is super disturbing (like the hit & literal run from a few summers ago when Henry got to put on his cape once again). The first rule of living on Pioneer Ave is don’t park on Pioneer Ave, guys.

UPDATE: It’s been two hours since the commotion and everyone has long since cleared out, but now there is an ambulance that just arrived and I’m like, “Are they late!?” but they’re here for something else because why not.

Apr 112018
 

I’ve been back at the boring daily grind for a week now and nothing earth-shattering has happened but here are some words & pictures to prove that I really did come back home and I’m not actually secretly living in a seedy noraebang in Korea although that sounds like a reality I could easily get behind.

I know everyone, me included, will be bitching about humidity once summer hits, but good lord can we get a fucking spring up in this city sometime before April ends? We came back home last week to snow, and it’s snowed another two or three times since then. I love the scarf that Chris made me for Christmas, but I’d like to not have a reason to wear it IN APRIL! I was especially cold on Monday, but my peeps at Crazy Mocha had me covered with their berry chai latte special. I like these new people who have been behind the counter at my local Crazy Mocha! The other people never had special drinks. Lame.

Oh well, since it’s still practically winter, I’ve had more time to wear my famous goldenrod tapestry jacket, which garnered more compliments this week — from older men, it’s almost always from older men! And not even in a sleazy way, either. Trust me, I know sleazy. These guys are genuinely just liking my coat because it probably reminds them of some sofa they had in their frat house in the 1960s, who knows.

We babysat Calvin on Saturday! And by we I mean that Henry babysat Calvin, Chooch, and me. At one point, he sent us to the gas station with $7 to get drinks. It was a mess. Chooch wanted one of those weird gas station milkshakes and I wanted coffee and we were also supposed to get Henry water but we weren’t sure if we were going to have enough money since Chooch and I couldn’t just get something normal out of the cooler like Henry told us to, so I suggested that we just not get Henry a drink but Chooch, after considering this for a cool second, vetoed this plan because he is way more mature than me.

“Well, at least make sure this is the cheapest water,” I said and he gave me this sassy look and said, “I already did, and it is.” He used the calculator on my phone to make sure we weren’t going over $7 and we seemed fine but I wasn’t sure if there would be tax because I don’t know how tax works, but then I found a quarter in my pocket, “just in case.”

After acting like boxcar children trying to spend our first ever round of panhandlin’ change, we took our stuff to the register and yay, it was under $7! We were so proud of ourselves!

And that’s the story of how Chooch and I went to the store by ourselves.

Also, here’s a video of me trying to brainwash Calvin into liking Taemin:

Turning Calvin into a Taemin fan 3 minutes after his parents leave. #kpopbabysitting

A post shared by Erin Appledale (@ohhonestlyerin) on

Here I am looking like a total douche in my new Gentle Monster sunglasses!

The other day, Glenn disgustedly asked, “What is that you’re drinking out of?” so I got to happily tell him that it’s my SHINee bottle that I bought from the SMTown cafe and he was like, “..Wow I’m so glad I asked” and then I posted this on Instagram and his wife Amanda commented and said she was going to have SHINee playing in the house when he came home and I asked him about it a few days later and he said SHE DID, LOL. So then yesterday I sent him and Todd a SHINee video and said, “You can’t say anything bad about them though because one of them died recently!” and then we had an actual normal and civilized conversation about Jonghyun and Glenn said he “didn’t mind” the song I sent and that he likes them better than BIGBANG. #GlennsKpopOpinions

Anyway, I’m moving to the other side of the department in less than two weeks and I’m super stoked to have new victims to pull down into my rabbit hole.

The next segment has no picture to accompany it, but my felon neighbors are officially moving out. “Ned” was over there last week with a moving truck, and then the broad who I still think framed him was over there the next night with her own moving truck. So, great news, because I don’t want to live next to crims, but I’m also totally clenched at the thought of who will move in next. I’M SO SCARED. I hope our landlord actually does a background check this time.

Well, now that I’m back in Pittsburgh, my life is boring as shit again. I guess that’s OK. I’d rather have boring than drama. I will end this with my current favorite music video. I hope that one of my kpop cardio channels makes a routine for this one!