A collection of things from the drive home from Knoebel’s.

• We ate breakfast at the Friendlys next to our hotel and I think this place is extremely overrated and I never feel satisfied, but Mom’s Dutch Kitchen up the road is closed forever so our options are Friendlys or gas station. Anyway, during breakfast, Henry flung syrup onto his shirt which resulted in a berating from Chooch and me, because we are hyper-critical of his actions. But then my next sip of water was too boisterous and I spilled it onto my crotch so Henry felt vindicated.
• Before we left Friendlys, Chooch won a plastic orb from the claw machine and inside was a coupon for a free Fortnite sweatshirt but on the back, someone had written their number because you have to text them to redeem it?! This sounds creepy. It’s probably a bunch of 6th grade girls who bought bulk sweatshirts from the local craft shack and puffy painted “Fortnite” on them. Good luck, Chooch.

(We know it’s Fortnite because the sign inside the claw machine said so, AND SIGNS DONT LIE.)

• At messy driving through Pennsylvania in the fall is super pretty so that makes it less boring…sort of?

• Not too long ago I read some Buzzfeed-esque list of the best roadside attraction for each state and they listed some hamburger joint for PA, because it was one of those places that has an “eat this oversized food item” challenge. I was so mad! PA has so many cool roadside attractions, like a freaking HOUSE SHAPED LIKE A SHOE, FOR GOD’S SAKE, and this was what made the list as the best?! Do your fucking research, dumbo list-writer.

• oh wow so now apparently Henry won’t just give us pieces of his highly coveted Sheetz cookies. Now we have to barter with him?! We have to give him some of our snacks?! This is bullshit. I don’t like it when Henry revolts. Also, I get packs of hard-boiled eggs (don’t care if you think it’s gross) from Sheetz to eat as a snack instead of chips or whatever other nonsense (pieces of Henry’s cookie doesn’t count as calories Ok??!!) and this time when I was ordering my latte, the order screen said WOULD YOU LIKE TO ADD HARD BOILED EGGS TO YOUR ORDER like it knows me?! Why yes, Sheetz order screen, yes I would! Henry was like “You probably still have to take them from the cooler” because he wants to over complicate everything and just couldn’t imagine that they would give me hard boiled eggs with my latte but guess what motherfucker, they did. Two perfectly boiled eggs in a little soup container, so fuck off.
• Now we’re laughing at Henry to the point of tears because he tries so hard to act cool but it always backfires.

• caboose is such a weird word. We just saw a train going around a mountain and it was gross.

• more gross things: SNOW.

Henry said it’s because we’re ON TOP OF THE SUMMIT DUR-DE-DEE-DEE.

• omg henry is going on about how claw machines work and we’re not listening because we’ve heard him “brag” about this “knowledge” so many times. So many times. I think that’s what he actually did in the SERVICE: he was the military arcade claw machine mechanic.

• Henry just told us he’s stopping at Pat Catans (craft store) on the way home and we’re rioting because he always takes so long there! He had the audacity to tell us he’s just gonna “run in and run out” and I yelled OH IVE HEARD THAT BEFORE YOU NEVER JUST ‘RUN IN & OUT. He is such a fucking SAHM when it comes to craft stores, you have no idea.
• Then we drove past an ADULT STORE and Chooch and I both pointed to it at the same time and made jeering noises at Henry because that’s our thing – insinuating that Henry is an exotic dancer addict and he recently told me that he hates when we do that so THEN IT MUST BE TRUE.

• this song just came on and I felt inspired to dance on the hood of the car (I didn’t though because the car is moving)

https://youtu.be/J1L3nDC4mEk

DO YOU FEEL THE SAAAAAAAME?!

• We drove past another adult video store (this strip of highway is seedy AF) and Henry admitted that he’s been to that and we’re screaming. He’s acting like it’s no big deal, I think he thought it would be easier to just admit it, but now we’re like WHAT DID U BUY and he said he didn’t buy anything so I screamed OMG YOU STOLE? YOURE A SMUT STEALER! And Chooch is hiccuping now from laughing so hard while Henry is frowning his way to the nut house.

• well guess who went to Pat Catans and took his good old fucking time? OH THERE WAS NO RUNNING IN AND RUNNING OUT. That’s ok because it afforded us time to steal the phone that he so stupidly left in the car and post a picture of some 1980s metal harlots on his Instagram. Chooch didn’t have time to finish the hashtag before Screamin Hank came back and caused a scene in the Pat Catans parking lot and then Chooch puked out the car window because he made himself sick from laughing.

• Me, as we drove past a closed-down Gander Mountain: I’m surprised a place like that would go out of business. Isn’t it like a …conservative safe house?

Henry: *frowns for days*

• Came home and saw that Penelope left one of her toy mice on my bed so I went to pick her up and tease her with it BUT IT WAS A REAL BABY MOUSE ONG FUCK YOU PENELOPE. So now our comforter is in a garbage can ready to be set on fire and I guess I’m going out to buy a new comforter today. FEELS GREAT TO BE HOME.

UPDATE: bought that new comforter I was eyeing up at Target, thanks Penelope!!

I guess Peenlop is living up to her full name: Penelope Ann Killer.

When Chooch and I went to our first KCON in 2017, I only knew a tiny bit about NCT 127, but their performance was really entertaining. It didn’t snatch me enough that I felt inspired to get myself a bias and learn all their names (stage and Korean), but I gotta say: Every time NCT 127 has a comeback, I like them more and more. It’s that slow burn.

Then, when they announced a few weeks ago that they were going to be performing on Jimmy Kimmel, I thought, “Oh shit. It’s real. It’s happening. Kpop is coming for America, guys, get ready to hard stan.”

My friend Veronica was able to watch their performance through a fence and she sent me videos on Instagram, and I was super grateful. Henry at one point looked over at me and said, “Oh my god, are you crying?” Look Henry, I felt proud of those boys. God, step off.

Then they went to the AMAs and some other American shows where:

• They were asked the uncomfortable question of “did you bring dates?” (HELLO AMERICA, DATING IS VERBOTEN FOR KPOP IDOLS.)

https://twitter.com/3dollachains/status/1049836558168326145?s=21

• Some broad told Mark his English was really good (SHE EVEN KNEW THAT MARK IS CANADIAN THO.)

https://twitter.com/haspuwu/status/1049706173568565249?s=21

• And some asshole spelled their name wrong:

But nevertheless, it was good to see another Korean group getting some western spotlight. Even at the BTS concert last week, RM asked, “You guys gonna watch NCT 127 on Kimmel, right?” and I thought that was really sweet because no matter how strong those fan wars can be, these Korean groups love and support each other and that’s so pure, you guys. So pure.

Anyway, in honor of NCT 127’s big American debut, here is their new video! They actually released an English version of it the other day, but my preference is this one because, the Korean language is what I love the most about Kpop, after all. (Although this version is missing the instantly iconic line “I been working with the cheese that’s the queso.”

https://youtu.be/Gif0E6jYakM

NCT 127 is only one part of the whole NCT concept — there are several sub-groups, some with entirely different members, and my head nearly cracked open when I first tried to learn it all, so perhaps that’s a story for my next Kpop boy group roundup!

This Wednesday, we went to Hundred Acres Manor with Janna. We were very lucky because we were the first in line, exceptions of the V.I.P pass people. (It is every time, first Kennywood, now Hundred Acres Manor.).

When we entered, the whole beginning was the same as every year, we get an intro of how SPOOKY the manor is, then we enter a lift, which proceeds to drop all the way to the bottom. When we exit, we walk through a long SPOOKY dungeon-esque passage way, which is the same each year as well.

At one point, we caught up to the group in front of us, we were inside an old London area, with men trying to sell us water with rat diseases. While the group in front of us were going super slow, the group behind us caught up, too. These people were not annoying at all, if anything they didn’t even speak from what I heard. As we walked through the nicely decorated old London, we entered through a cult graveyard and worship church. The members of the cult asked us who our sacrifice was, I said my mom was a good candidate, but Janna and my mom thought otherwise. THEY THOUGHT I WAS! 

Personally, I don’t want to get sacrificed, but apparently everyone else does. ):

In the cult chapter, we saw a ton of dog shrines. I thought that these demon dogs were very cute and fluffy. The ground was dirt, and since it recently rained, it was very muddy. I never got to change my school shoes, so I got my shoes pretty muddy. The people in front of us all of sudden disappeared, and I heard a chainsaw rev. I told mum and Janna that I heard a chainsaw man, and mum got scared. The kid in the group behind us apparently worked there and it was his night off, so he decided to come visit, he said, “Trust me, it’s not happening yet,” and my mom believed him! Janna and I didn’t, though because we could smell the smoke. And there he was, hiding behind a glass barrier. I ran for my freaking life, which was a terrible idea because everyone knows that running will only make them chase after you. I turned every corner as fast as I could until I stopped and hit a corner, he stopped at the corner across from me and let me leave. Mum hated that kid after he lied to our faces.

The quarantine area has returned for the following year! It was better last year, though. This year nothing happened. It was all alien animatronics and no live people. It was very disappointing.  After about 5 minutes of walking through nothing of importance, was another room with a chainsaw guy. He was wearing a pig mask and my mum ran for her life just like I did before. He chased her down many hallways, until she hit a corner and hurt her shoulder very bad. All of a sudden, another chainsaw guy appeared. Now she was cornered, with a wounded shoulder and dust particles from the air of the chainsaw. She was finally let free, as they would miss their other victims.

As we continued on, the actor from the next room chased the group in front of us, so we were left alone, until the person came back and jumped through the door, scaring my mum more than half to death. That scared her more than the chainsaw guys.

Soon after though, was a voodoo hut, which was moving on water! It was also very dense with smoke in the room. My eyes were burning up and I was coughing, but the voodoo witch just tried to SPOOK me. My mom didn’t believe it was moving because she thought she was losing her mind after the things she went through before.

We exited the haunted house and had to get the picture (as seen above) inside the pumpkin to remember this day. Some rando was standing at the convenience stand, so my mom asked him to take a picture. He took multiple, but when he gave my mom her phone back, he said that she got a notification about Navy Seals. It was just CNN. So I called him, “Nosy.”

In conclusion, Hundred Acres Manor is very uneventful until the end. (ALSO JANNA THOUGHT SHE WAS SAFE…. for now)-

Hello pigeons. (Is that insulting? I vaguely remember that there was some rap group that had a response to TLC’s No Scrubs called No Pigeons. So maybe I’ll take back that term of endearment.)

Anyway. We got up at 5am this morning in an attempt to leave the house by 6 for Newark. I didn’t liveblog because I was tired – I had a hard time going to sleep last night and actually thought I was having a heart attack but I think it was just a panic attack from being so worked up the last few days.

So this weekend is very much needed like medicine.

The drive was largely boring and uneventful.

Here’s an obligatory truck stop selfie from some gas station that had religious people handing out brochures.

I got an email from the Prudential Center saying that merch would be set up at 9am and I wanted to try to get a light stick since they have been impossible to order beforehand because everything related to BTS is near-impossible to get anymore ugh popularity. It was a madhouse there and we originally were briefly in a two-hour long line just to have our pictures taken in front of that banner up there. UM HELL NO. We managed to grab a lightstick (all T-shirts and face signs were already sold out ugh, eBay here I come) and then went to check in to the hotel that’s NOT a Red Carpet Inn this time thank GOD. Just a basic Best Western but it’s clean and the guy at the desk was super friendly and normal so that was a good sign that this place was ok.

Until he asked us if we were excited for the Penn State game and Henry and I exchanged terrified looks like HOW TO ANSWER HOW TO ANSWER. Because we’re not a football household.

But on the plus side, now when Todd jokingly asks me what I thought of the game at work I can tell him that I actually knew they were playing.

Oh wait I think he asks me about Pitt all the time, never mind. SAME STATE THOUGH.

Oh yeah, here’s Henry with a photo card of his bias Jimin that came with the light stick. He was really starting to feel sad that he wasn’t attending the concert that night.

Chooch and I changed into our concert attire before heading out for a late lunch. I’m a dumb ass who chose to start a diet four days before going away for the weekend so that’s awesome. We’ll be in NYC for a Korean culture expo so I chose that as my fuck all day which means Chooch and Henry got stuck eating at a place called Art of Salad today LOLOL.

Chooch actually really enjoyed his custom salad but Henry had to finish that and also my smoothie bowl which was really good but just too much!

Henry really looks like a salad guy doesn’t he?

OK I have to go to bed. We’re getting up early again tomorrow and tomorrow will end with another kpop concert which is going to be interesting considering BTS took my voice with them.

(IT WAS SO GOOD. I DON’T KNOW HOW I WILL EVER RECAP IT!!)

It’s been a while since I did a good, wholesome work update so here I am to regale your day with two Law Firm stories.

1. Bob Ross the Processor, or Bob (p)Ross(essor)

Remember sometime last winter or spring when Amber decided that we needed a pet for our group and she bought us a Bob Ross chia pet and then somehow it became my responsible to grow him except that I had no means of measuring water or seeds and I had three different people telling me what to do so that the end result was a terra cotta head with fur on it and by fur I do mean mold? Yeah, that’s what happened to Bob. And he just sat on a windowsill for months behind Cathy, and we all made jokes about how we hoped he wasn’t going to  make us sick with his poison coif. Then, a few weeks ago, my mom bought Chooch a chia pet that’s a zombie arm protruding from the earth, and I was stunned to see that it sprouted hearty green growths in the span of one weekend. I noted that the packet of chia seeds wasn’t empty so I asked Henry if he would perform surgery if I brought Bob home and he mumbled something about how he doesn’t know why I even bother asking him when I’m just going to make him do it anyway and that is how Bob Ross ended up on my back porch for a week, being reborn.

Also!? Henry fucked up and didn’t slather the seeds on all the way so Bob ended up having a bald spot on the back of his head. I was worried about this because I felt like my co-workers would use this as a way of still holding the Failure of Bob Ross against me. We didn’t have any seeds yet, but we DID have regular chia seeds, the kinds that you sprinkle on yogurt or whatever for health benefits, so he used some of that AND IT WORKED? I guess I don’t know why I didn’t think it would work, like maybe the Chia Pet chia seeds are special, but yeah, you guys, if you have some type of terra cotta object and a bag of chia seeds for your fucking smoothie, you can make a chia whatever-your-object-is.

Of course, this brought up the terrifying question of, “OMG DOES IT DO THAT IN MY STOMACH!?” But Henry said no.

So now, Bob with the Good Hair is back in our office and everyone is super excited about it.

Yesterday though, we had a fleet of Suits walk through the department and Lauren said one of them lingered long enough to say, “huh. Interesting.” She was too nervous to turn around to see what was happening but she knew it had to be something of mine because I have my international candy shop on the counter behind her desk and a collection of religious Glenns. But Todd and Glenn were watching and said he was looking at Bob. When I saw Lauren later that day she said she was about to be super pissed if she got in trouble for something behind her when it’s all my stuff lolol and that reminded me of the time I decorated people’s offices for Halloween and Patrick got in trouble from Facilities because I used erasable markers to write on his glass wall but NEWS FLASH that shit doesn’t come off frosted glass. Just in case you were ever wondering. Now there’s an office on our floor that had the alphabet written on the glass door a la Stranger Things forever.

2. Amputee Hootenanny

It all started the other day when I misread “Automation Anywhere” as “Amputation Anywhere.” At first it made my limbs tingle, but then I remembered one of my old sock puppet LiveJournals: “AmputatedLeg.”

Yeah, it was literally just me writing a diary from the POV of an amputated leg named Sam. I couldn’t stop laughing alone at  my desk so I stupidly went over to tell Glenn about it, and his face became the perfect intersection of Amused and Horrified.

“Seek help,” he said as I walked away, doubled over in laughter.

Back at my desk, I decided to look up  that old journal and relive old times, except that it came up as SUSPENDED. What?? Why?! I thought maybe it was because of inactivity but the fake journal I had for Janna (pelvic_exam) is still there and that one was WAY worse.

Luckily, I still have the icon I  made for that Sam’s journal, so that’s a relief.

Today, Glenn asked me if I found my missing leg, because of course went over to cry about the journal suspension when I found out about it. I told him that I didn’t, and Todd was like, “What are you talking about” so I had to explain it to him and he was just like, *blank stare for days*.

“All I remember is that his name was Sam and he was dating a drug addict named Rita,” I sighed.

It was a dark journal.

“Oh OK, so Rita was also an amputated leg?” Todd asked, trying to pretend like he was in a normal conversation.

“No, she was a whole person,” I scoffed, like come on Todd. Le duh.

“Of course she was,” Glenn muttered at his desk.

Todd asked if I could email LiveJournal to get them to lift the suspension, and this just added a new layer to things.

“Well, the thing is, I’m not sure which email address I used to register that journal,” I started slowly.

“So just use all of them until you find the right one,” Todd shrugged.

“Yeah…..” I started slowly. “The thing is, back then, I had like over 100 email addresses.”

Glenn turned around for this one and Todd practically screamed, “What? Why!?”

“Well, remember back when Gmail was a new thing, you had to like, be invited to use it? Someone would have to  give you a code?”

Todd said he remembered that.

“So, it was like a game for me to see how many I could accumulate,” I admitted, and Glenn grumbled, “Of course it was.”

Later on, I was telling Henry this. “Remember when I had all those email addresses?!” I cried giddily.

“Uh, yeah. You didn’t tell them what they were, did you?” he asked, just a hint of trepidation in his tone.

“LOL god no. Remember how I had a whole STD email series?”

Henry just sighed.

I mean, in my defense, I didn’t have a kid yet and I was unemployed. So….

HIGH GUISE here I am. So, a few months ago, Chooch helped his chorus teacher write an essay for some contest to win money for their music program and it turns out, she was one of the teachers who won! She got some prize money for the school, but also a bunch of tickets to see Pentatonix tonight at KeyBank and I politely declined because Pentatonix is a no for me so Henry grudgingly took him instead.

What this means is that YO GIRL IS HOME ALONE TONIGHT WOOOOO! I considered inviting some people over to hang out but I don’t feel like cleaning and I also didn’t want to change out of my workout clothes, so it’s just me and the cats tonight and in the first hour, I watched some more of Sharp Objects (I have to look away during the cutting/self harm scenes) and then burnt my hand, so things are going great.

I just realized that if Boots* still lived next door, I never would have opted to stay home. And speaking of Boots, turns out he’s out of jail now because I thought I saw him down the street two weeks ago on my way home from work but Henry was like, “That wasn’t him, unless he got clean.” But then last week, I fucking walked right past him downtown and I KNOW it was him, but he just got a little chubby. Then TODAY, Chooch was getting his hair cut at a barber shop on the boulevard so I was strolling around, and that fucking piece of shit walked past me with some older broad pushing A BABY STROLLER. I texted Henry, who was in the barber shop, and said, “I THINK BOOTS IS COMING YOUR WAY” and Henry agreed that it could be him. So then I came back to the barber shop about twenty minutes later and was sitting on a bench waiting for Chooch, when they walked past me again and stood near me while waiting to cross the street and he loudly asked the broad, “DO YOU WANT TO GO OVER THERE AND GET A SODA” and as soon as I heard that high-pitched weasel voice, I was like, “OH FUCK, IT’S HIM” so I turned around in the bench and just blatantly stared at them as they crossed the street, I didn’t even pretend to be covert about it, and then!!! Some guy stopped his car in the middle of the boulevard to yell out the window, “GET AWAY FROM MY GIRLFRIEND, YOU TOOTHLESS COCKSUCKER!!!” and like everyone on the street stopped to stare, and I was like, “OH SHIT IS THIS MAN GOING TO GET OUT OF HIS CAR AND KILL HIM” but then Boots, the broad, and the screamer in the car all started cracking up because I guess they are FRIENDS and I was so disappointed. Anyway, that broad definitely wasn’t Phyllis but shit, as soon as she started talking, I was like, “Yes, that is exactly how I expected her to sound.” All stupid and slow-sounding, you know? And I don’t know what was going on with that baby but she looked like she could be its grandma.

I wonder if it was stolen.

So yeah, Boots lives in Brookline again, which is just fucking swell.

*(Friendly reminder that Boots was neighbor who got arrested before my LAST neighbor who got arrested.)

Also, I thought that Brookline was starting to clean up its act but those 10 minutes sitting a bench was pretty eye-opening. Also pretty sure a drug deal happened in front of me so that was great.

After I try to make dinner, I’m chucking all the furniture out the window and doing Kpop cardio all night long, as vigorously as I fucking want. Not that I wouldn’t any other time, but whatever. So I’m going to post several of the latest Kpop songs that have me doing the running man in front of the mirror while I’m getting ready for work, just in case you feel like having your own k-dance party tonight too.

I think these girls have what it takes to become the next big girl group and I really hope it happens because I love them.

So I used to not like NCT Dream very much because the first song I heard by them was Chewing Gum and it just didn’t sit right with me. But this one hooked me.

Day6 is always just on my periphery but this song made me really really really notice them. I know it’s a moot point, but I think they would have been a really cool addition to Warped Tour. They’ve had Japanese bands on in the past but as far as I know, no Korean bands.

I know BTS’s comeback has been totally oversaturating the media, but their comeback stage for Idol is so energetic and aesthetically pleasing! I sent it to my group yesterday for Friday Video and Lauren was so excited to tell us which outfit was her favorite, Amber said she wouldn’t have wanted to start the day any other way, and Todd said something about Kpop being the best ever and used like 17 exclamation points so I had to walk over to his desk and ask him if he was being sarcastic because I couldn’t tell, OK?! (He was.)

(But then he showed me which outfit he liked the best.)

Thanks to my friend Veronica for the heads up on this one! She is a huge EXO fan and I only know a little about them but now I think Baekhyun might be my EXO bias after hearing him apart from the rest of EXO. It’s cool how recognizable his voice is though because while this was playing yesterday Chooch walked by and casually asked, “Is this EXO?”

We saw these guys last year at KCON and they were so wonderful but they somehow keep flying under the radar. This is their latest and I love it so much but one of my favorite Kpop workout channels made a routine for this and it frustrates me because there is a weird arm movement that I’m not coordinated enough to do BUT HEY MAYBE I CAN PRACTICE IT 9734072497 TIMES TONIGHT!

Have I already shared this one? Who cares, this song is great and is usually always in my head.

OK, now I have to try and make some type of dinner, work on new card and pendant designs, and then dance myself into a stupor.

Today was the first day of school and I was like boo hoo, sike naw I was like BYEEEE.

Honestly though, it’s the same feeling every year: How do I have a kid in [whatever] grade?!

It’s funny how we parents always act so shocked and awed that our child is aging like come on really fam?

I’m just mostly sad that this means summer is over—I know the calendar and that equinox thing says otherwise but the first day of school always feels like the kiss of death for summer even though I still had to go to work pretty much every day.

Oh and fun story, we waited until last night to go school clothes shopping. I worked until 7:30 so we went to the mall straight after and I hate mall-shopping but I REALLY hate not going home straight after work so I was acting pissier than a bag of hornets all night especially when the dumb bitch at Journeys was too busy talking to her bitch friends who weren’t even BUYING SHOES totally ignored us and then when she finally was all, “Oh do you need help” they didn’t have Chooch’s size and Henry was like WELP LET’S GO instead of having Chooch find a different pair?!

Also I refuse to spend anything over $100 on this kid because have you seen the way his shoes look after a month?! He has these fat Barney Rubble feet that blow out the sides of shoes and I just can’t stand it.

(HE GETS THE FEET ISSUE FROM FAT-FOOT FATHER HANK.)

Finally found a lot of green ADIDAS at Foot Locker and then I instantly got happy because there were three teenagers in there talking to each other in Korean and Henry was like “OMG you are so weird” (to me, not to the Koreans) but then we went to the Vans store and while Henry was paying for some shirts, the mall closed! It was only 9pm!! Is this normal, asking for someone who doesn’t shop in malls in often.

“This wouldn’t happen in Korea,” i said sourly.

“Yeah, they would have just opened an hour ago,” Henry said and I was like shut up because now I was back to being angry.

Luckily we managed to scrape up somewhat of a starter wardrobe for my SEVENTH GRADER YEAH THATS RIGHT HE’S IN SEVENTH GRADE NOW.

That didn’t warrant CAPSLOCK but I’m in a fucking mood tonight. (It was a “two calls to the help desk” type of Friday Night Late Shift, is all I’m saying.)

He originally didn’t want to get these shorts because he didn’t like the color but I said, “These look like something Blake would wear” and Chooch said, “I love them.”

I pretended like I was going to cry when Chooch left for school this morning but really I watched the new BTS video several times and then made an Aileen Wuornos birthday card, then I went to the post office where Maureen, my postal clerk nemesis, was too busy bitching to me about her relative houseguests to give me the usual third degree about what was in my international packages. Thank you, Maureen’s nieces.

Also, Maureen is sick of these idiots asking her for change, this isn’t a goddamn bank.

So, that’s that. Chooch had a good first day back and I’m hoping this year goes smoothly. Please Sweet Heavenly Angel-Baby Taemin let this year go smoothly. *prayer hands*

Guys, our trip to Holiday World was everything I wanted it to be and more but we will get to that another day. Right now, we just checked out of our OK hotel (I booked it and it was way better than the sex shack Henry holed us up in in Newark) but it was hard to leave because we had inadvertently become invested in a movie on the Hallmark Channel (Bridal Wave, lol). I mean, I can guess how it ends but STILL.

So now it’s 8:43am and we’re on our way to the Santa Claus Museum, because we are in Santa Claus, IN after all.

We just drove past a house surrounded by corn fields that had a ROOMS FOR RENT sign and now I wish we had stayed there. Also, I just told Henry I’m Live-blogging and he flipped me off.

8:52am:

Obligatory.

9:42am: We just left the Santa Claus Museum and Santa’s Candy Castle and both were worth the pit stop in case you were considering driving past with no regrets.

Oldest Santa statue in the world!

I think I will post about the museum separately because I have a lot of pictures and there was a family there that I hated.

But Santa’s Candy was legit. It smelled wonderful and the employees were so nice! The guy who rang us up reminded me of Hank from Breaking Bad. He just kind of looked like him, OK?!

We bought a small bag of Krispie Kreme Jelly Bellys there and I only ate like 10 of them and feel so fucking sick.

11:26am: TIME JUMPED AHEAD I GUESS. Stupid time zones. We just stopped at a Pilot and it destroyed my good mood because I hate gross gas stations and this one was awful and the “coffee station” was dilapidated and there were flies all over it SO THAT WAS A SOLID NOPE.

REMINDER THAT I HAVE NOT HAD ANY COFFEE TODAY.

11:40am:

Me: I could NOT live in Indiana.

Henry: That’s obvious. Places are limited where you could live.

But seriously WHERE ARE ALL THE CAFES. I have to get coffee at MCDONALD’S.

Chooch just screamed, “Peach ice cream!” because we just passed some barn-shaped grocery store with a huge peach ice cream sign so now I’m mocking him and screaming PEACH ICE CREAM is my new brand. Also, if you think Henry didn’t just completely overcomplicate an order of one small coffee with cream and sweetener, then do you even know Henry? That was the most awkward McDonald’s drive-thru ordering I’ve witnessed in a long time.

Also I only ordered a small because if I find a better place I AM STOPPING.

Or – telling Henry to stop.

12:08pm: Driving through Louisville and I just can’t stop feeling disgusted that they have some sports arena called the KFC Yum! Center.

12:20pm: Henry just made some off-hand comment about how the time hasn’t changed yet and I started screaming about how that there time done BEEN changed for A WHILE now and he would know that if HE READ MY LIVE BLOG.

12:50pm: Oh I forgot – when we stopped at Pilot, there was a RED CARPET INN across the street so Chooch and I were dry-heaving. And then inside Pilot, an announcement came on that SHOWER #4 WAS READY and Chooch was all “ew people take showers here?!” And we had to explain to him that Truck Driver Life but then I added, “If I was staying at that Red Carpet Inn, I’d rather take showers here” and Chooch almost puked from laughing so hard and then the cashier asked Henry if he needed a bag and he said because he thought we were still standing there and would help him carry the stuff but of course we had already walked outside and he came out to the parking lot with an armful of items and started bitching at us for bailing like this was so unexpected.

2:31pm: WHY DO RESTAURANTS CLOSE AFTER LUNCH. Every fucking place I’ve found on Yelp for this shitty area outside of Cincinnati closes at 2 or 3 so now I guess we are going to Hyde’s which is fine but I have eaten here before and I wanted to try something different! Ugh! I AM HUNGRY THO SO SOMEONE JUST STUFF A GRILLED CHEESE IN MY FAT FACE ALREADY.

Also I have chocolate stains all over my shirt and shorts from the dumb protein bar I ate for breakfast. Ugh.

2:48pm: We’re at Hyde’s and I came so close to sitting at a booth with OLIVER NORTH.

GAG!! (In case you don’t know, I HATE OLIVER NORTH.)

Also, Chooch beat me and submitted the Hyde’s help wanted sign to Job Spotter and got 97 points for it! THAT’S NINETY SEVEN CENTS!!

Well, Henry and I just had a mild disagreement over the Cole slaw here (I think it’s too sweet, he thinks it’s just right) and for some reason, Chooch thought this was SO HILARIOUS that he spewed a mouthful of iced tea all over the booth and Henry was like GOODBYE and left us lol.

Update: Henry’s back. He was just hiding in the bathroom. The only guy that was sitting near us got up and left.

I just had to send Chooch outside to take deep breaths and now he’s making friends with a gaggle or elder-broads.

Now he’s back and blaming Henry for making him crack up and he really just said, “I’m just trying to live a normal life.”

3:00pm: Waitress just asked me “Do you want more coffee ma’am” and I’m like yeah but I also need you to stop calling me ma’am.

I just wistfully said, “Ugh now I want to watch Short Circuit” and Henry asked why. “Um, because of this SONG?!”

(Bee Gee’s More Than a Woman is playing right now.)

Why does he never KNOW.

3:25pm: Some broad just said she wanted two slices of coconut pie to go so the waitress repeated “Ok 2 coconuts to go” so Henry scoffed and said, “I have two coconuts to go” and gestured at Chooch and me. WOW FUNNY GUY.

3:43pm: I got mad at Chooch and told him he can go get reborn elsewhere and I don’t even know that that means but it felt like the ULTIMATE SLAM at the time.

3:54pm: Here in Henry’s Mecca, aka Jungle Jim’s:

4:57pm: Just left Jungle Jim’s and Henry has that fresh-from-the-market glow. I like it there to a point but then I remember that I’m surrounded by assholes and getting rammed into with shopping carts and I’m over it. Especially when some kids were like “Mom look, exotic KitKats! Are they real?!” And Mom came over with her resting bitch fest and said, “Ew I don’t know. Those are WEIRD” and of course she was super skinny and had that quintessential short soccer mom hair

YOU’RE weird, Mom!

They had cherimoya which I begged for because if you didn’t know that is my FAVORITE fruit but Henry was like, “NOT FOR $10 A PIECE!” Ugh. I did get a sapote though which I haven’t had since my friend Kevin sent me one five or six years ago and I have dreamt of them ever since!

5:53pm: Just stopped at another Pilot. I went into the bathroom and the only available stall had a bunch of poop in it so I said NOPE I’LL WAIT FOR ANOTHER and then a girl came in and was like “There a mess in there?” And I said “Yes it’s pretty gross” so we stood there silently for about 30 seconds listening to someone pee in the taken stall, and then the girl said, “Like is it just not flushed?” And I said “I mean I didn’t really inspect it. I just saw a ton of poop and left” so she went in, lifted up her leg AND FLUSHED IT WITH HER FOOT. She had on flip flops! If could have flipped and flopped into the muddy commode!

Anyway, it flushed and she was like THERE U GO and I muttered thanks and then reluctantly went in even though I didn’t want to use that stall and furthermore I didn’t even really have to pee that bad!!

Oh, the crisis.

Back out in the store, Henry and Chooch filled me on their own bathroom story about the guy who may or not have been living in one of the stalls and another stall was playing rap music. When I told Henry my story and got to the part about the girl using her flip flopped foot to flush, he said, “I saw a guy come out of the bathroom in bare feet yesterday” and I scanned my brain to play back all the places we were at yesterday and I screamed, “EW AT HOLIDAY WORLD?!”

That park had some very questionable clientele.

Chooch got the Giordano’s Deep Dish limited edition Lays and it doesn’t taste like it at all and now the car smells kind of like puke because of it.

7:00pm: Current Sitch – Henry is not speaking to me because I snapped at him for not immediately knowing what I was talking about when I mentioned the Log Jammer’s spillway.

7:36pm: HENRY JUST TOLD ME TO CALM DOWN BECAUSE I AM FURIOUS WITH THE SHEETZ APP RIGHT NOW. OH I’M SORRY, AM I BEING TOO MUCH “EMOTIONAL WOMAN” FOR YOU RIGHT NOW?

8:24pm: I finally ate my coveted, signature Sheetz veggie wrap so I feel better now however Henry started “thinking out loud” about whether Ruby Tuesday’s still has their lettuce wedge salad and I snapped out and yelled SHUT UP NO ONE CARES.

Also, we managed to lose not one but TWO of the three reusable straws we brought with us so I feel pretty defeated because we didn’t just throw them out by accident but we literally LITTERED. There was a hole in the stupid Journeys drawstring bag we had with us at Holiday World ugh.

Also x2 one of my relatives was mocking those of us concerned with the environment and sardonically promised not to use straws and I am just so fucking of conservative cabbagefucks acting like it’s so cool to be environmentally deviant. You’re right, let’s all just dump buckets of oil into the nearest body of water for funsies and show the world who owns it. Rah rah rah.

Also x3 before I fed my face, I snapped out on Chooch because I am SO SICK OF HIM ASKING FOR V-BUCKS FOR THAT STUPID FORTNITE GAME and I yelled about how I’m not spending $25 for some in-game purchase that won’t even yield something tangible that he can hold in his hand but is only just some virtual accessory for his stupid character and school starts on Friday and we haven’t even bought him new shoes yet so NO I’M NOT FUNNELING MY HARD-EARNED MONEY INTO THE MAW OF A FUCKING VIDEO GAME. And wow did I ever feel like a REAL MOM after that rant.

8:56pm: Two of my friends announced that they’re going to be moms and it was so nice to see GOOD NEWS today – I’m so happy for them!

9:24pm: WELCOME TO PENNSYLVANIA. Oh thank god.

9:47pm: Chooch was just on the phone with his neighbor-pal who is extremely geographically challenged. “I wasn’t in CHICAGO, Jayden! No that’s in ILLINOIS. I was in INDIANA!” On the way There Friday night, he was like, “No Jayden I’m not there yet. No, I’m not coming home tonight! BECAUSE IT TAKES 7 HOURS TO GET THERE, WHY WOULD I COME HOME THE SAME NIGHT?!” He gets so aggravated talking to him haha.

10:58pm: Hi friends I have been home since 10:15 and I am ready to crash and dream about the incredible coasters we rode at Holiday World – Chooch and I are obsessed! I would include Henry in that statement but he’s a bitch and only rode ONE OF THEM, ONCE. He’s so disappointing.