When Chooch and I came home from breakfast the other day, there was a package waiting for me and I dramatically cried, “For me?!” which made Chooch roll his eyes.

Anyway, it was an early birthday gift from my great chingu Janna! She knows how much I covet Taemin and how HENRY let me down on V-DAY and MOTHER’S DAY when I said all I wanted was Taeminnie’s new album.

Would you look at this stunner?! He is the most beautiful human being in the world I swear to god.

Speaking of god, that dude didn’t just stop with looks–he gave Taemin an inhuman amount of talent as well. It’s almost not fair.

I hope I get to see him perform live someday. <3

고마워요, Janna unnie!

Before I start my always-scintillating weekend recap, I want to say that I had to absolutely drag  my ass out of the house this morning, having not had to be in the office since last Wednesday. I was feeling pretty miserable about it too, especially when I got to W.Liberty Avenue and hit the button for the crosswalk BUT THE WALK SIGN WAS SKIPPED OVER and I couldn’t cross, so I started to yelling to Henry, “WHO CAN I CONTACT ABOUT THIS!? THE WALK SIGN OFFICE OF AMERICA??” and he was like, “I don’t know…probably something in Dormont…” but then I was reminded of the COP WHO NEVER EMAILED ME BACK so that really topped off my morning glass of Pissed Off Juice.

After managing to successfully jaywalk to the other side of the road, which entails me flailing like a wild animal released from a cage, blindfolded, I was approached by a tall older man, maybe like Henry’s age, so—old. I tensed up immediately, figuring he was going to ask me for directions, for bus fare, for when the R-Bar across the street opens.

But then I was even more scared when he started with, “Hey, I just want to tell you—”

TELL ME WHAT? THAT I’M FAT? THAT MY SHOE’S UNTIED? (I fell for that one before!) THAT YOU’RE GOING TO COME TO MY HOUSE AND SKIN ME ALIVE? THAT YOU’RE THE LINDBERG BABY? THAT I HAVE A BIG NOSE? (Ever since some asshole told me in 6th grade, while in line for lunch in the cafeteria, that I have a big nose, it is literally all that I see when I look in the mirror. And that guy tried to friend me on Facebook a few years ago and I was like, “OH NOW YOU WANT TO BE FRIENDS WITH BIG NOSE, I THINK NOT.” Shit, what was that guy’s name though…)

“—that you’re really pretty. Remember that on a rainy day.” And then he smiled, gave me a thumbs up, and continued along down the sidewalk.

“What was that?” Henry asked through the phone, because HE IS SO POSSESSIVE OF ME. So I told him and he was like, “Oh, was he a weirdo?” because god forbid a functioning human would ever think I’m pretty, right Henry?

Anyway, that really turned my day around and then the cherry on top was when I passed by Muddy Cup, a cafe in Dormont, and my favorite barista was sitting by the window, waving to me. So, maybe Mondays aren’t always so bad.

BUT it still has the distinction of being The Day After the Weekend, which sucks even more when you’re coming off a glorious, long 4-day holiday extravaganza! (Yeah, yeah, I had to work in the morning on the 4th, but at least I was home.)

Saturday and Sunday were both really nice days, regardless of their extended holiday status. So let’s get into it!

I met up with Jiyong at Adda for some coffee and she surprised me with a pop quiz and I panicked and almost chose flight over fright but instead, I stayed seated at my table and struggled to figure out how to translate the super simple English sentences into Korean and I swear it was the hardest thing I’ve had to do in a long ass time, since probably…well, since I was in actual school. But Jiyong is really patient with me so this time, I have been reciting and memorizing my dumb face off so I will be READY next time!

Isn’t this drink goddamn gorgeous?! It’s a pea blossom matcha latte and it was worth every cent. I told Henry that my goal for this meet-up was to not spill anything on myself but I splashed it as soon as I picked up the glass from the counter so I had a green stream sluicing down my hand by the time I brought it back to our table.

Jiyong pointed out that my latte matched my phone case so she took a picture for me.

Then some mom in head-to-toe REI and her dumb little kid who was probably 3 took it upon themselves to sit at the same table of us right when I was in the middle of struggling to read Korean out loud and I felt like Billy Madison.

I can probably read Korean out loud better than that baby can read English though so there!!!!

The barista told me he liked my shirt and I couldn’t remember what I was wearing because I’m almost 40 now and automatically can’t remember things. I bought this recently at Target for like $6, bam.

Chooch and I binged the new season of Stranger Things, but my version of binging (binge’ing?) is to watch like 2-3 episodes a day, tops. So, we started on Friday, but by Sunday, I was in full-blown Netflix warrior mode and said super-seriously, “OK, let’s do this.” So we finished the last episode by 11:30 last night. (Look–I need to take exercise breaks, OK? This broad can’t rest on her laurels for long periods of time, whatever laurels are. Is it like a tuffet? A toadstool?)

During one of our breaks on Saturday, Henry and Chooch left for Target as I hollered after them, “Buy me a present!” but they were too far away as I followed it up with, “And not a candy bar!”

So Chooch sent me this picture of a STEVE HARRINGTON pillow and asked “Do you want this?” Um, le duh. It reminded me so much of the time in the early 90s when my dad bought me a Jason Priestley pillow and I was so annoyed because everyone knew my heart belonged to Luke Perry (RIP). But still, J.Priestley was no slouch, so I couldn’t complain too  much.

So I was all excited thinking I’m getting this hot pillow but then HENRY said he wasn’t paying $20 for a PILLOW. What a fucking cheapskate.

And he didn’t even bring me a candy bar!!!

Sunday was a super slothy day – it stormed off and on so we stayed home except for an after-dinner trip to Baskin Robbins for Stranger Things ice cream. We went to a Baskin Robbins that’s out in an area we don’t visit very often, and on the way there we passed a building that triggered a quick memory.

“I used to work there,” I said, pointing out the window. “For like, a day,” I added, and Henry just frowned.

Actually, I think I only went there for an interview, with my then-friend Cinn, and we were both hired but then I was like, “Hahahaha just kidding” and she got stuck working there without me. I think it was just telemarking probably because that’s what all my jobs were back then since I had such a glowing personality.

(That’s not a joke. I was like, super-likeable back then instead of the plain cardboard cutout I am now.)

“Yeah and then after the interview, we went to Long John Silvers and bought hush puppies with a bag of Susan B. Anthony coins that Cinn found in her house and she bought fish and shared it with [my cat] Marcy even though they hated each other,” I finished.

Actually, this picture was taken that day!

I took this with my camcorder I think?!

Anyway, then we got to Baskin Robbins (we’re back to present day now, please keep up) and it was so annoying because they had this TV screen that was playing a slideshow of all the Stranger Things ice cream they had but everything Chooch ordered was either “out” or “discontinued” so he got the only option they (barely) had – the USS Butterscotch, which was what I was going to get so then I panicked and said FORGET IT I DONT WANT ANYTHING and Henry was like FOR CHRISTS SAKE and I heard one of the scoopers day to him, “Does your wife want anything?” because I had walked away to pout and I was like IM NO ONES WIFE!!

But I got this dumb commemorative picture of Chooch:

His face is nearly all healed from the sunburn! I was applying ointment (lol) to it on Saturday and it was sooooo grody (kiss kiss, 1992) and scaly so I screeched, “EW YOU FEEL LIKE A REPTILE!!” and he snatched the Cortizone from me and spat, “OOOOHkay, I’ll do it myself.” I’m a really great parent who definitely has not spent the last 13 years sculpting a multi-headed complex on my son.

Came home, went for a walk, finished Stranger Things and cried. What a weekend.

*(OMG that means Saturday & Sunday. I’m a language genius. 일+일=이)

What are: the components of a satisfying Saturday.

The weather was SO GOOD on Saturday and I had this big urge to walk to Orbis Cafe in Mt. Lebanon so of course I dragged Chooch along with me. It’s only about a 25-minute walk and he gets to pet lots of dogs on the way, so he accompanied me with little resistance.

We ended up walking nearly the entire way there in a small, accidental group that included us, a young Asian couple, and a girl/lady in a dress and silver sequined Converse high-tops who we found out later, as she was helping a random guy in a wheelchair cross the street to his doctor’s office, that she was going to a bridal shower that she would have been perfectly fine with missing.

Aside from  that, none of us had actually spoken to each other, yet in my mind, we had all become pedestrian pals over the course of the 8 or so blocks we had traversed together, so when we all went our separate ways as Orbis Cafe loomed ahead, I felt empty inside.

IS THAT WEIRD OR IS THAT WEIRD.

In my head, I like to pretend that I belong with a group. Sigh.

Anyway, at Orbis, I had a very refreshing cinnamon latte and Chooch had a banana muffin and iced tea which I knew he wasn’t going to like because it was unsweetened and I was right because I know everything about that kid. He wanted to throw it away but I made him carry it all the way home and put it in the fridge for his unsweetened tea-obsessed dad to chug later.

This is a church that has a nice roof. I’ve never been inside though. It might be a dump.

Later that afternoon, I went to Jiyong’s apartment to learn to make kimbap! Kimbap, in case you don’t know, are rolls filled with things such as eggs, sweet pickled daikon, pork, cucumber, etc. It’s similar to sushi in that they’re completely customizable, one-shotters wrapped in seaweed (kim) and always filled with rice (bap). It’s a popular picnic food and parents will usually send their kids on field trips with a roll or two.

Henry makes it occasionally but I have never once sidled up to him and asked him to teach me his rice-rolling ways so he was kind of like REALLY when I told him I was going over Jiyong’s to learn just that.

It was so much fun! She put on Winner and did all the prep work while I just stood there like a useless cardboard cutout which is what I was born to do. Literally my greatest talent.

She had me watch as she made the first one and I’ll tell you what, she made the Spreading of the Rice look so goddamn easy but when it was my turn, I was like “oh.” The struggle!

“It’s like doing crafts,” she mused, as I frantically peeked at hers to see if I was on the right track. I thought I was doing alright but then she reached over and rearranged my rice–mildly offensive!

J/K – she just wanted to salvage my roll because we had to eat it at some point so I wasn’t too hurt, I guess.

Omg the rolling process was no joke. She kept helping me with it and I would have been totally OK with her just rolling all of mine for me to be honest because wow, push-ups have made my wrists weak I think.

Here I am with my first roll of Kimbap!

I like that Jiyong will sometimes suggest that we take a picture because I’m still in that awkward getting-to-know-you stage where I want to be snapping away but I’m unsure.

Jiyong made one roll with ham in it too. “For Henry,” she said. Everyone always thinks of Henry!!

Jiyong also made a veggie-laden 떡볶이 (tteokbokki) which is an insanely popular street food / comfort food in Korea. Basic tteokbokki consists of rice cakes (not like, those dry discs of puffed rice that you eat while dieting, but stubby, chewy rice tubes that are the exact opposite of a diet food), fish cakes, and a sweet but intensely spicy sauce made primarily from gochujang, a Korean red pepper paste. I really liked Jiyong’s version of it because it was loaded with carrots and cabbage and green onions. (“파!” I blurted out to show her that I know what it’s called in Korean, lol.)

While she was preparing to set the table, she asked me if I could use chopsticks and I super causally said yes because I was afraid if I answered her too eagerly, I would give away the fact that I use chopsticks to eat my mostly-Asian dinners every night and I have a set of five animal design chopsticks that I could at work to eat my fruit or whatever.

“You can tell which ones you made,” Jiyong said as she examined the array of kimbap while we ate and I’m not sure if that was a compliment, or…

Anyway, what a great afternoon!

Later that evening, we went to some soft serve ice cream by where Henry works because I just wanted a plain vanilla cone with crunchies, nothing fancy.

Carousel Crew, back in action!

Henry’s a poor substitute for Janna though.

While we ate our ice cream, I made them walk down the street with me because I saw a HELP WANTED sign on some store we drive past and I needed to take a picture of it for my Job Spotter app.

“Where was it?” henry asked skeptically, because we weren’t in the best area.

“I dunno, down by that laundromat,” I shrugged, forging ahead.

“I literally just told you that someone was recently raped behind that laundromat but ok…” Henry sighed. Whatever – I got my Job Spotter entry and it was worth 96 points! THAT IS NINETY SIX CENTS IN MY WALLET, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

Came home and just chilled the rest of the evening since we had to get up early on Sunday and drive to Toronto. Speaking of, my liveblog was trash (not that it’s usually treasure) because I got so sick after eating lunch, to the point where Henry was worried I had suddenly developed a gluten allergy or something. Something I ate clearly disagreed with me and my stomach honest to god puffed out like I was pregnant with rocks. It was so awesome. Especially when I had to go to a three hour long concert that night.

But that’s another story!

Shall we do another Woman Crush Wednesday kpop girl group edition? Yes, I think we shall. Here are some videos of the latest lady lalala’s that I’ve been enjoying.

RED VELVET – SUNNY SIDE UP

This isn’t the title track of their latest comeback but I like this song so much more! It has that sleepy-feel to it that makes me think of summer days lounging around my Pappap’s pool. God I love Red Velvet.

SOMI – BIRTHDAY

Somi was my first favorite from the Produce 101 girl group IOI and it was pretty upsetting when their contract expired and everyone went on to join other groups or went solo, and Somi was just…sidelined. But she finally debuted last week and the “you’re not invited” Part has been playing hard in my head because people are always pissing me off and I want to uninvite everyone from my actual life sometimes DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

CHUNGHA – SNAPPING

Wow speaking of IOI, my other fave from that group is Chungha who went solo after the disbandment of IOI and literally everything she does is pop perfection. I still think I like her last comeback song (“Gotta Go”) best, but this one is strong too. Chungha is a fucking queen, bottom line.

(G)I-DLE – UH OH

Real talk, the first time I listened to this morning, it didn’t really stick to my ribs which is what I want my bubblegum jams to do immediately. But the second listen came through. (G)I-dle has a very distinct style that makes them easily distinguishable from other girl groups.

CLC – ME

It’s devastating to me that CLC isn’t way bigger than they are. Their songs are so strong and the message is SO GIRL POSITIVE. Well, I guess I answered my own question. Anyway, the chorus is literally “beauty is me” which is something that we all need to learn to say about ourselves!

TWICE – BREAKTHROUGH

I’m a sucker for Twice and their Japanese releases are sometimes better than their Korean ones. This one especially! It has such an 80s vibe to it and the video is striking. Their choreo is always flawless but this one especially has a classic, nostalgic feel to it.

OK that’s all for this round of girl groups you should learn and love. Girl power!

It’s hard to believe it’s officially summer already, especially after the creepily chilly June we’ve been having here in Pittsburgh. But the sun was out in full-blaze all day yesterday and the sky was blue. It improved my mood exponentially!

Here are some pictures from yesterday, because it was a really pleasant day that I would like to remember for always.

(It occurs to me just now that I have been journaling/blogging my life since 5th grade like some kind of megalomaniac. Someday when I’m dead, someone will unearth of all my diaries, vacation journals, and blog and think, “Who the hell cares?”)

Pretty much every Saturday starts with cereal / Korean YouTubers / walk to the post office to mail cards. Lately, my Saturday post office experience has been less than stellar because there’s some new, young girl who has no personality and also doesn’t know what to do with scan sheets (we usually are mailing a clump of cards so we have a bar code that we print on a scan sheet which makes life easier for the postal clerks unless they don’t know how to do their jobs, then it just make it harder). My favorite Saturday clerk is this guy named Michael who will swear when the scale isn’t registering a weight and he’ll say things like, “If you take the survey at the bottom of the receipt, my boss will wash your windows.”

But this new broad is just resting bitch face all the way.

Then we walked to the coffee shop down the street because I wanted a chocolate chip cookie, OK?!

On the way back, right after I said hola to my Mexican taco cart boyfriend, we were waiting to cross the street when the first car in the line of traffic waved for us to cross. So I did. All I knew was that this guy was being nice and letting me cross and I can’t tell you how infrequently that happens when I’m walking to the Trolley on weekdays, trying to cross the street, and no one stops for me and I have to stand on the sidewalk and scream, “CROSSWALK! RIGHT OF WAY!” to all these fuckers.

Anyway, I pranced (literally, that’s how I cross the street when someone lets me go because I’m all nervous and trying to get to the other side as quickly as I can) across the street and right when I was in the middle, some other car started blowing their horns because apparently, they had a green light.

So the guy who let me go started screaming out of his window, and I thought he was yelling at me so I was confused and scared, but no, he was yelling at the person beeping.

“PEOPLE ARE CROSSING THE STREET, YOU ASSHOLE!!!!”

Like, he fucking bellowed it in his thick Yinzer accent AND EVERYONE AROUND THE BLOCK STOPPED AND LOOKED.

The firefighters loafing outside of the firehouse.

The elders sitting on benches.

The old man who owns Pitaland and sits at a table with his coffee.

MY MEXICAN TACO CART BOYFRIEND.

And Henry, who was still on the other side of the street.

So now I had to stand there and wait for the light to turn red so that Henry could cross.

“WHY DIDN’T YOU CROSS WITH ME?!” I cried, when we were finally reunited.

“Because they had a green light!?” he answered incredulously.

“Yeah, but that guy told us to go.”

“THEY HAD A GREEN LIGHT. WE DID NOT HAVE THE RIGHT OF WAY.”

Ugh, I hate when he knows rules.

Anyway, he said he didn’t even see that guy wave us across because he was looking the other direction, watching the streetlight, and the next thing he knew, I was leaping to the other side like a baby deer.

Anyway, I survived, thanks for your concern Henry.

Then we came home and I tried to convince Henry to turn his gift from Chooch into a pin. He won’t.

Speaking of Chooch, I think he was at the library during all of this…?

Later that afternoon, I met Jiyong for our 4th language exchange meet-up and I feel like this was our best meeting yet. I’m definitely getting more comfortable with her and we had a great conversation at Panera in Oakland for three hours! We talked about everything from cemeteries to maternity leave to The Cure (I was wearing one of my Cure shirts and then “Friday I’m In Love” came on the Panera soundsystem so that was an easy segue to my FAMOUS CURE STORY that literally everyone who knows me has to endure at least 8 times), we talked about Ouzo and our personal drinking habits (she and I both one-and-doners) to Song Mino to pierogies.

I’m really enjoying this friendship! She was is a really lovely girl and I’m happy that I stepped out of my comfort zone by suggesting that we meet in person.

She brought this really book she has where it takes dialogue from “Friends” to help Koreans learn English, but in this case, it works well for me too. She read the English side and then I would read the Korean side, but my problem is that I can sightread Korean fairly well, but since I’m studying alone, I make the fatal mistake of NOT READING OUT LOUD. So I’m not getting any practice of actually saying the words because I’m a dumbass, and even though in my head I know how to say them, as soon as my mouth wraps around it, it comes out sounding like garbage.

Since meeting her, I have been trying to recite things more when I’m alone, but I still read out loud at the speed of a kindergartner. Jiyong said that I can read it well, and I appreciate that, but I need to really work on speeding it up so I don’t sound like Encino Man.

We only did one chapter and I was fucking sweating by the end. Literally. I had to pull my shirt away from my body and fan myself. “I feel like I just exercised!” I exclaimed, and she  just laughed and said, “Cute.”

I gave her this little souvenir handbook of Pittsburghese that I bought on Friday at the History Center. Obviously I don’t want her to start saying “Yinz” or “dahn’ere” (down there) or anything because that’s a huge language foul, but I thought it would be a fun keepsake for her for when she goes back to Korea. Plus, in addition to the weird vernacular, there are legit things in there too, like various food explanations (haluski, etc.).

She asked me if I would want to come to her place next Saturday to make kimbap and YES OF COURSE I WANT TO! Henry thinks this is hilarious  because he makes kimbap from time to time and I have never expressed any desire to learn or help, but I want to learn everything that Jiyong is willing to teach me!

I’m not sure if I mentioned this already, but in our last meet-up, we were talking about G-Dragon and I said that for our last trip to Korea, we wanted to stay at his pension in Pocheon, but the website said that guests have to be 19+, no exceptions. Obviously, Henry wasn’t going to call them to inquire further, and my Korean is definitely not good enough to attempt an email, so we never pressed the issue and just wrote it off.

A few days later, I was at work when I got a Kakao message from Jiyong – she emailed the pension all on her own and asked on behalf of us if a 13-year-old was permitted to stay there, and they told her yes! She did that for me!!

Anyway, when we were talking about that yesterday, I mentioned that G-Dragon’s dad runs the place and she said that the person who emailed her back had the last name “Kwon.”

“Maybe I emailed with GD’s dad?!” she exclaimed. I love having a friend to talk with about these things!

Before we knew it, it was after 5 so we parted ways with the promise to meet again next week. Jiyong texted me pictures of the pages we went over so I am going to spend all week reading them out loud until I sound like a second-grader at least.

Also, the word for lesbian in Korean is lesbian – thanks for teaching me that, “Friends” dialogue book!

Henry got us Subway for dinner because sometimes you just need to have Subway for dinner, and then we went to Sugar Spell Scoops for some after-dinner vegan ice cream. So, the thing with Sugar Spell is that they used to only vend various festivals, etc. and it’s nearly impossible to get any because the lines get so outrageously long.  But sometime last year they opened a store front in Sharpsburg which isn’t a very trendy area – BLESS – so we didn’t have to deal with any assholes on our visit. (If this shop was in, say, Lawrenceville, I might never go.)

I wanted to go when they first opened, but their flavors in the beginning were really basic, like vanilla and chocolate, and I think Superman which I hate no matter who is making it, so I kind of put visiting this place on the backburner. But then Kara texted me last week and said they had blueberry lavender so that reignited my interest in this place!

The guy who scooped for us last night was SO NICE AND PERSONABLE. He kept having cone malfunctions (the sugar cones kept breaking on him) but he handled the pressure like a champ – it helped that we were the only people in line at that time, probably, and also that we weren’t getting all huffy about it. If anything, it gave me more time to figure out what I wanted – it’s weird having legit vegan options!

(I’m not vegan, just a plain veg, but I do opt for vegan when available.)

Chooch got Dunkaroos and let me taste it – IT WAS PHENOMENAL. You could taste the icing and the scoop was dense with moist dunkaroo bits. The scooper even took time to talk to Chooch about Dunkaroos, since they were before his time.

Honestly, the service is always half of the experience so based on this guy alone, I could easily see myself making this my new go-to ice cream shop especially since Millie’s is so fucking annoying to me lately.

I REALLY WANTED to get Dunkaroos as well, but I have this thing where we all need to get something different, so I went with the cherry chocolate chip and I must say – no regerts here. It was great!

The vegan ice cream I have had in the past (*cough*Millie’s*cough*) has usually been practically devoid of flavor and has a strange texture, but this was loaded with palate-pleasers. The consistency wasn’t too far off from dairy-based ice cream and it didn’t leave me feeling like I was a growing a brick-baby inside me afterward.

Notice I went with a cake cone to spare the poor scooper after he went through two bad cones on his journey to create Chooch’s dunakroos scoop.

I made Henry order the Blueberries n’ Biscotti sundae (he claims he was “probably going to order that anyway, so there”) because it came with GLITTER SPRINKLES.

He chose the Blue Moon ice cream to go with it, which is lemon-based, and I have to say, if I thought I had ordering remorse after trying Chooch’s, my taste of Henry’s sundae basically exiled me to the Land of Poor Choices. IT WAS SO GOOD and unlike any sundae I have ever tasted.

Henry refused to show emotions, as usual, but he was really happy with his sundae. I mean, doesn’t it suit him so well?!

I will definitely be returning to this place. They’re only open Friday – Sunday and their flavors change every day. I want to try every single one.

Afterward, I want to walk around that street for a bit because I’m still doing that Job Spotter thing where I take pictures of Help Wanted signs and submit it for points which can be redeemed for Amazon gift cards, lol. It’s so stupid but I like doing it so leave me alone. However, Chooch remembered that he has the app too so then we started fighting over who was going to get the pictures first (if you submit the same one at the same time as someone else, they reject it as a duplicate). Chooch beat me at getting the first one we came upon and I was so mad so then I got the next one after forcibly shoving him out of the way and then we had a big fight and Henry was like WHO CARES?!!?!? THIS IS STUPID!!! and then Chooch stormed off ahead of us and it was Big Trouble in Little Sharpsburg but then eventually we all moved on.

Me: Henry, please stand here and point at that sign.

Honestly, this picture might be peak “THE SERVICE” for me.

Capped off the night watching “Us” which Chooch and I had already seen at the theater with Janna, but Henry wanted to watch it so I felt obligated to watch it with him in case he didn’t understand it (lol). I like that movie a lot.

Then right as I was starting to fall asleep that night, I sat up in bed because I smelled smoke which is the scariest smell to smell late at night, scarier even than Henry’s farts. So Henry jumped out of bed and got all VOLUNTEER FIREFIGHTER mode. He threw on all his clothes and walked across the street to try and determined where it was coming from. We started hearing sirens almost immediately so knew we didn’t have to make the call, but it was scary because smoke had made it all the way to our street. We decided to drive and see where the fire was coming from, and it was a house a few blocks away from us which made me feel sick to my stomach (I was hoping it was just an empty building on West Liberty Ave, not someone’s home) but we found out this morning that no one was hurt (I was only worried about the possibility of animals being hurt so I’m hoping that “no one” also includes pets) so that’s a relief.

YEAH, THAT WAS MY SATURDAY, HOW WAS YOURS.

Friends, if you’re ever passing through the Wheeling/Moundsville area of West Virginia and have the desire to be killed time to kill, I highly recommend making a pit stop at the Palace of Gold. Even if you don’t want to do the whole shebang with Govinda’s Cafeteria, slurping rose water in the Temple, gawking at the looming decrepit idol statues by the weird man-made lake, the actual Palace is worth the stop. They do tours every 30 minutes and it costs $9 (I think?), the tour is pretty quick but informative, and roaming the grounds is FREE so if you’re not into shuffling along in shoe-booties while a robe-clad guide stammers through her memorized spiel, you could easily eschew that and just go and like sniff some roses and maybe buy some cheap-ass bangle bracelets in the gift shop which is what I do every time I visit.

…which is what I thought FO SHO Henry was going to do — eschew the tour (though he did sniff the roses and buy a cheap bangle from the gift shop) — but he surprised me by saying, “No, I will be joining you two on this tour and I am CRAZY EXCITED.”

But first, we strolled around and yelled at Henry for taking shitty pictures of us.

Chooch has been really into wearing ponytails lately – not quite man-buns.

Before we went in for a tour, I was trying to take a selfie of the three of us and was not having great success, when some old lady with green-rimmed glasses strode over and was like, “Oh for Swami Prabhupada’s sake, do you want me to take the picture for you?”

She kind of reminded me of a character Francis Conroy would play in American Horror Story, if we’re being honest with each other here today on my blog. Anyway, she took this super strange photo of us from way too close and from a low angle. I was literally just grinning-and-bearing it at this point and the old Erin would have deleted this because OMG she looks awful, but it’s pretty hilarious to the new Erin who is trying her hardest to stop living her life by the Vanity Handbook.

So bad, lol.

Then we took the tour. There are no photo allowed and in the past, I have definitely sneaked a few here and there but nothing changes inside there so I kept my phone tucked into my purse like a good girl which was good because our guide was having a hell of a time getting through her sentences without the added stress of scolding people for taking contraband photos.

It was just the three of us, an older Indian family of 4, and a youngish couple who I found out are from Tyler, Texas and I desperately wanted to ask them if they know EISLEY but Henry was like, “Keep it moving, sister.”

Anyway, Chooch seemed to be pretty interested in the tour, especially the part about the Beatles being followers, but Henry’s main takeaway was that the followers who built the Palace of Gold were shitty builders and I was like, “OH OK ASSHOLE, BUILD ME A PALACE THEN AND SHOW ME HOW MUCH BETTER YOU CAN DO IT.” Honestly! He can barely build a gingerbread house!

But no seriously, build me a fucking palace, a replica of one from the Joseon Dynasty. IF I HAVE A CHOICE.

Then we meandered around the grounds and yelled at Henry some more for being camera-incompetent.

Like, he totally cut off the top of this pavilion.

I wanted to gleefully frolic and jump but Chooch admitted after the pictures were taken that he didn’t know what was going on, so that was cool. I look like my son just came and released me from the asylum.

Henry’s favorite part was the lily padded pond. He saw some fish and frogs! He was content.

Chooch and I talked to the ducks for a while but then Henry angered them and they started quacking and I really hoped they’d attack him but no.

Henry also liked perusing the rose garden with his hands clasped behind his back.

Henry really likes the simple things in life, which is why I feel like he’d really thrive in this compound…except for the no meat thing. I honestly don’t think Henry could ever give up meat.

Chicken, especially.

He always makes chicken at home because he’s rude and doesn’t consider the fact that he lives with two vegetarians and MAYBE WE DON’T WANT TO SMELL THAT SHIT.

Henry the Rose Garden Schlepper.

Chooch took this lovely picture and then was like, “BAM, this is how you take a good photo,” to Henry. Honestly, Chooch takes really good photos of me, bless that kid.

What a beautiful day trip, I can’t stop smiling every time I look at these pictures and think of our time there together. Every time I visit, I leave there thinking that I could really live this life. I already don’t eat meat, and I really like palaces! But, I already worship G-Dragon, so I guess there isn’t any room in my heart for any other idols.

I may not believe in god or whatever, but I sure do love learning about other religions and exploring places like this and also this temple in Illinois! There’s some Bible Walk in Ohio that I’ve been dying to get Janna to go to with me, so maybe that will be my next creepy religious tourist trap this summer! WHO KNOWS.

If you’re desperate to know more about the tour itself, you could feel free to click here and read my account from my first trip there in 2013, mayhaps?

Yesterday, we took a family day trip to my beloved Palace of Gold in West Virginia – it’s been six (!!!) years since I was last there with Janna and Corey and I know Henry and Chooch were getting annoyed when I kept saying, “When I was here with Janna and Corey…” because #jelis.

I haven’t finished going through my pictures from yesterday and writing an outline and draft of my Palce of Gold blog post (LOL – obvious joke, you know I practically write these things on bathroom breaks because I’m the worst blogger ever), so I decided it would be fun to revisit that last time I was at the Palace with Janna and Corey because we had so much fun! SO NOW YOU HAVE TO REVISIT IT TOO. Good luck, pea…cuck?

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Ever since I first went to the Palace of Gold in 2012, a Hare Krishna compound in the hills of West Virginia, I’ve been promising my brother Corey that I would take him there. And then Janna wanted to go too, and I had all of these wonderfully dark visions of her getting “taken” by the Hare Krishnas and spending the next eternity singing and selling books at some tiny county airport in Idaho. Spoiler alert: That didn’t happen. :(

But goddamn if we didn’t have the best day ever anyway!

NO SHOES IN THE PALACE.

Janna was asking me about the peacock stained glass before the tour started, and I was like, “Oh, you will learn about the significance of the peacock during the tour.”

The tour was much shorter this time around, mostly because we had the most apathetic, exhausted tour guide in the joint, and all she said about the peacocks was that there four stained glass windows in their likeness. Thanks, we can count.  Corey and I could have been more blatant with our clandestine photo-taking and she probably wouldn’t have cared.

I’m not going to reiterate facts, but if you’re interested, perhaps my post from last year’s tour will enlighten you. Although it is likely mostly just full of smack-talk for the other people in the tour group. You know how I do.

Luckily, there were three middle-aged Indian men on the tour with us, and the one would occasional offer me extra information about the things that the guide was glossing over. They were really kind and I was relieved because when we first walked in, I thought for sure they were going to write us off as ignorant crackers. I mean, not that we aren’t. But it was nice of them to give us a chance.

I mostly tried to not make eye contact with Corey because I knew he’d make me lose it and then we would end up doing our weird gang-laughter in the middle of the echo-y marbled halls of the palace.

I noticed the grounds seemed to be in the same state of disarray as they were last year, so I guess they don’t get as many post-tour donations as they’d like to. I feel like organizing a 5K for them. What? Everyone else has a 5K! Why not the Palace of Gold?!

Let’s run for Krishna, you guys! Or from. Maybe that will be more fun. Running from Krishna and chubby little Butter Thieves in the backwoods of West Virginia. I’m going to organize this. I’ll let you know when you can sign up.

The rose garden is so fucking creepy to me. I’m sure it’s something that is universally considered to be beautiful (it’s won awards, after all!), but it just seems like a really bad scene to me.

I took this picture just for Chooch, who hates butterflies. Always thinking of my son. What a great mom I am.

I got stuck on rose thorns right after this and Janna had to rescue me. Also, if I look drunk, it’s because I was DRUNK ON LIFE. (Seriously, I really look that dopey most of the time, though.)

We laughed like total hyenas for like 10 straight minutes because of this picture.

Corey took this when I wasn’t paying attention and I’m not sure what was going on, other than I was fixing my shoe and probably being eaten by rose bushes, but I love it. Also, I was wearing two different sets of stripes and polka-dot pants because I can. It enhances the fun.

Krishna kat.

OMG here’s Swami Jannamanama emerging from the Hare Krishna bathroom stall! She didn’t appreciate that I immediately posted this on Instagram but I was like, “What? It’s not like you’re nude.”

Corey’s senior picture. Janna comes with the package.

After we toured the Palace and the grounds, I was super adamant about eating at the cafeteria. I am obsessed with the cafeteria!! All cafeterias!!

The cafeteria (Govinda’s) is located about a quarter of a mile down the street from the Palace, where the Temple and Hare Krishna lodging can be found. Right across from Govinda’s is a courtyard and it was teeming with Sunday worshipers who all stared at us because, short of flashing fanny packs, everything about us screamed NOT ONE OF YOU.

Inside Govinda’s, we became immediately confused. First of all, we were the only non-Krishna people. Second, there was no clear instruction on what we were supposed to do, so we all kind of stopped and slammed into each other as soon as we entered the door. Then we did what all socially adjusted people do and whispered uneasily to each other like we had just been kicked out of the back of the Scooby Doo Mystery Van and landed on the threshold of a haunted house.

“Ask if they have the buffet,” I hissed at Janna, who sighed and asked the young Indian girl at the register by the door.

“Oh, no,” the girl answered with a laugh and WHY DO I ALWAYS FEEL LIKE PEE WEE AT THE ALAMO EVERYWHERE I GO. I know I reference that all of the fucking time, but it’s because it’s true. “You may choose from our limited menu,” she said, Vanna White’ing her hand toward a black dry-erase board next to the counter. The undulating question marks in our eyeballs must have been pretty clear, because she added, “Would you like me to explain everything to you?”

We all sighed and shook our heads eagerly as she slowly explained in her best dumb white folk words what everything was. I still couldn’t understand half of it because I’m dumb with ingredients and wound up just picking something at random. Corey ordered something similar to what I got, I think our breads were the only difference, and Janna went with the safe bet of samosas because even dumb city folk know what samosas are. You can buy them in the freezer section!

Since Janna drove us there that day, and it’s kind of a long haul, I paid for her lunch. (And Corey paid for her Palace of Gold tour.) I wonder if she wrote about it that night in her diary, because Corey and I don’t generally do nice things for her.

We chose a booth far away from the other people already eating, and waited for our food over a soundtrack of our own nervous giggles.

A waitress (maybe the same person as the cashier? I wasn’t paying attention) set down Janna’s samosas and a tray that looked remarkably like hog slop and baby vomit, so I knew it was going to be good Indian cuisine, but Corey and I were unsure whose it was supposed to be. I thought she said something that started with a “d,” which is what my choice started with, so I dramatically stopped Corey right before he started eating.

“I THINK THAT MIGHT BE MINE!” my inner fat girl beast cried. So then we had the daunting task of waiting for the waitress to return with the final meal so that we could finally put this minutes-long mystery to bed.

I was right! It was whatever I ordered. But Corey’s ended up being tastier than mine, so who’s laughing now.

We didn’t have silverware, not that Janna needed any for her samosas, but it was kind of difficult for Corey and me to dig in to our lunches.

“I think maybe the Hare Krishnas don’t believe in forks,” I said honestly, trying to fashion my naan into a serving apparatus, but only succeeding in staining my fingertips orange like I had just smoked fifteen year’s worth of unfiltered Pall Malls. This went on for awhile, Corey and I alternating quiet exclamations of “ouch” every time we burnt ourselves on curry. Meanwhile, we kept darting our eyeballs around the cafeteria, craning our necks to see if any of the seasoned Indians at the nearby tables were also eating with their hands, but everyone seemed to be finished eating at the moment.

“You know,” I said, shaking the pain off my fingers, “maybe I’m confused. I think it’s the Ethiopians that eat with their hands.” And just then, another Govinda’s patron walked over to the kitchen and grabbed a plastic fork out of a bucket; Corey and I totally lost it. Eating lunch became a lot easier after that.

Even though I was too stuffed to finish my meal, I kept harping on Janna to go up and buy me dessert. She totally didn’t want to, but I can be very persuasive. There were these golden balls of wonder that I was dead-set on devouring, so Janna returned with a container of those and a regular old push-pop for herself, which made me laugh because how much more Caucasian can one look in an Indian restaurant than by licking on an American summer delight? And then I found out that the golden balls of wonder cost about as much as Janna’s lunch, totally negating the fact that I treated her, so then I was performing the simultaneous trick of laughing and choking on balls, which is something I mastered my junior year of high school.

Anyway, these balls were made of chick peas, cashews and honey. They were an oral treasure, in my opinion. Corey kind of liked them, but not enough to finish the one I gave him, and Janna took one bite and then handed it back to me. MORE FOR ME.

After lunch, we crossed through the courtyard, which was now suspiciously empty, and walked into the temple. There were shoes splayed all over the floor and on the shelves in the shoe room, but only three people were in the temple itself. One was an old white man who looked like he definitely has been foraging in the mountains his whole life. I wanted desperately to take his picture, but that motherfucker never took his eyes off me.

The shoe:person ratio is all the evidence I need to know for fact that these deity statues are feeding on human flesh. You’re not fooling this girl, New Vrindaban society. I’m on to you.

There was an Indian couple in the temple with us, and from a short distance away, I spied the man ladle some sort of liquid into his woman’s palm, which she then brought to her mouth and DRANK. I needed to do this too, so I lingered casually in front of a eerily realistic statue of Swami Prabhupada and waited for them to leave. Then I pulled Janna over to the bowl of hopefully-not-poison and made her try it first.

“It’s just like, rose water,” was her official Yelp review. So I allowed her to dump some of it into my palm, and then I immediately gagged and thought for sure I was perishing as the intense floral notes clogged my windpipe.

“Oh my god, what did you do?” asked Corey, who had just re-joined us after selling his soul to the Cult of Krishna by making accidental eye contact with one of the manga-like deity statues. Janna explained to him that I saw other people doing it and I’m sure she rolled her eyes too but I couldn’t tell since I was pretty much blacking out at that point.

Corey started laughing. “You were peer-pressured into drinking weird flower water?!” YES, PRETTY MUCH, OK?!

Janna had to use the bathroom in the temple before we left, so Corey and I stood outside and talked about her, obviously. Suddenly, a peacock trotted over from god only knows where, and it looked like it was going to start to head into the temple. I suggested that we try to usher it into the bathroom with Janna, and Corey thought this was the best idea since the Nintendo Power Glove, but there were two Hare Krishna people standing nearby so we thought maybe it wouldn’t be the hottest idea to disrespect their token animal while standing in front of the temple, no less. Even us Kelly kids know when to draw the line.

After the temple, we walked off some of our curry-heavy lunch while paying our giddy-yet-horrified respects to the Dancing Acolyte statues on the other side of the creepy (one lone) swan-infested man-made lake. Hidden by trees behind the statues sat a cabin which had eerie Krishna tunes wafting out through the screened windows. I wanted to climb up the hill and peek into the windows, but Janna was like, “No. Don’t.”

The last stop on the agenda was the gift shop back up on the Palace of Gold grounds. I bought a religious ring and a pretty blue bracelet that everyone at work has been admiring and I say, “Thanks it was like $5 at the Palace of Gold!” and then I think that might kind of mar their opinion. But anyway, on the way back to the car, Janna was crossing the street at the same time a car* was coming. I shoved her out of the way while screaming, “JANNNNNNNA!! LOOOOOOK OUTTTTT!” I mean, I SCREAMED it. Corey had already crossed the street and was standing next to Janna’s car, so he whirled around to see what the fuck was happening, and then he started laughing really hard, because what I didn’t know yet was that the doors to the minivan parked next to Janna were open and about 10 Indian people were standing there looking horrified.

*(It might be conducive to the story to explain here that the car was like, a lot of yards away and going 15mph.)

Of course, they were standing on the side of Janna’s car that I had to get into, so it was extremely embarrassing and I was literally squealing from trying to hold back my laughter. At that point, I was also crying. So I opened the backdoor of Janna’s car and pretty much dove in, nearly spilling my container of golden balls of wonder on the floor of her car. Corey and Janna got in and once all the doors were shut, we collectively lost it. Well, maybe Janna wasn’t laughing that hard, but Corey and I were doubled over. I think Janna was probably just more exhausted from having spent so many hours with the Kelly siblings.

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Once Janna dropped us off, I came into the house and tried to recall the day’s events to Henry, while choking on another golden honey ball of wonder and having to squat down to keep from peeing; I was a hot, giddy mess. Chooch took one look at me and then went back on the computer.

Henry didn’t think any of it was funny, nor did he think I was a hero for saving Janna from vehicular manslaughter. I guess he had to be there.