Jul 102024
 

It’s been hard. I went to a pet grief support group Monday night. Henry came with me and it was us and five elderly women who are regulars. They were so welcoming and comforting. One could have passed for my friend Marlene’s sister, right down to her dry sense of humor.

Per the Fight Club-seque rules of the group, I am not permitted to share any details of what everyone discussed. (I’m not kidding!! “What is shared in the room stays in the room.”)

I’m really trying to not sink into the grief but the cat loss book that my brother sent me (seriously my friends and family have been truly holding me above water) says to DRIVE into it. So, OK – I’m doing that. I’m letting myself sob. But I’m also going for walks. I’m (trying) to help with party decorations. But I’m also desperately wishing I’d come back that walk and see her waiting by the window.

I am also seeking therapy to help me process the trauma of this. It’s hard enough losing a family member but the way this happened has wrecked me for what feels like life. I am looking to try EMDR therapy.

I’m still not really eating. I have almond milk with a scoop of protein for breakfast, a peanut butter sandwich for lunch, and dinner is usually a cookie or ice cream. I don’t know what is happening to me but I cannot bring myself to making my morning smoothie or anything else that was a routine because it just makes me think of Drew and I feel broken again. Baby steps. One day I will want to eat dinner again. One day, using the blender won’t make me cry.

I am working on not blaming myself but it is so hard when I was the only one here. I am trying to stop the WHAT IFS (I had reacted faster) and the BARGAINING (I would go back to 2016 and relive all the trauma with my grandparents house / Sharon if it meant reliving Drew and Penelope’s first year with us). I know this will take time. I’m writing in her tonight because it’s like a pep talk. I can do this. I have lost and mourned others. No one will replace Drew. No one will fill her spot in my heart. I couldn’t stop it. It’s not OK but it has to be otherwise I will be living in this loop forever and it is so painful. It hurts so much.

Some positive things:

  • I did my annual wellness check yesterday and all my numbers came back in the green. Yay.
  • The Olympics will be starting soon. Yay.
  • Spending time with Chooch. He still hasn’t gotten his license but has his permit so we’ve been letting him drive us around. Last night, I was his passenger and he decided he wasn’t feeling in the mood for music so he turned off the radio and just talked – no soul-baring convos or anything like that but just some light chitchat and it was just what I needed, especially when we drove past a fire station and he suggested finding a baby to leave on the doorstep lol.
  • Penelope is still here.
  • The squirrels are still here.
  • Today I went into the office just to get out of the house and I got to see Sue and Megan and I walked around disgusting Pgh but it was a bit of normalcy. While there, my laptop died and I was issued a new one. The IT guy said I AM THE FIRST PERSON IN THE FIRM TO GET THE NEW MODEL. I said I’m going to brag about it and he said “oh you definitely should.”
  • New NCT127, which Drew would have loved (well, I would have loved pretending that she loved it to annoy Chooch).

Say it don't spray it.

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