My mom brought a bagful of photos over to Corey’s in Christmas Eve. I already had copies of most of them because I took all of the photos from my grandparents’ house when we were cleaning it out and they most have had doubles printed of everything to share between houses. I come from a very photo-happy family.

As such, I was letting Corey and Ryan take whatever they wanted but when I came across this shot of Ryan and me with our grandma on the BELOVED DARKRIDE La Cachot, I snatched it up with a quickness. I have never seen this picture before! And for some reason, we don’t have many pictures from our visits to Kennywood which is wild to me.

This ride definitely shaped my love for dark rides; it was a personal favorite of mine as a child and I still get so stoked when we go to an amusement park that has an authentic, vintage dark ride and not these new-fangled shooting rides which I hate. I want something with black lights, hokey K-Mart-esque Halloween masks, Pretzel cars, and the stench of damp basements and moth balls.

I don’t know if this was a Yinzer thing but my friend Keri always called it Lickashit.

They tore down the building in 1998 – for years I thought it was because that it had caught fire but evidently, the plan was always to tear it down because the building was so old and it was deteriorating, I guess (per the below video) and in the process of tearing it down, there was also a fire. IMO, removing this was the beginning of a slew of bad and questionable decisions made by Kennywood. I guess it doesn’t matter who owns the park, dumb moves are still bound to be made. This is making me feel extremely bitter.

(Apparently, you have to watch this video on YouTube.)

But yeah, that’s all I’ve got for this snowy, bitchy Sunday. Back to hypnosis via Enhypen videos.

This will primarily just be a photo-dump because we are in the throes of college move-in day prep and I can’t focus, as evidenced by the myriad screenshots that Henry sent me of yesterday’s post with typos circled by him.

Thoughts on this:

• Total sadness that Henry is the one catching my typos. Henry. Let this sink in.
• Some of my typos weren’t even misspellings but actual bizarre syntax clusterfucks that I truly have no idea what part of my brain I was visiting to bring back these crazy-ass ESL souvenirs.
• Love that the emails that are sent out when I post include the entire post so that all of my mistakes can live on in perpetuity even if I fix them on the website. Not that many / any people read it but still, that makes me uncomfy. I think Henry fixed the settings finally after I have been lamenting this for the last 10 years.

Moving on.

I was pleasantly surprised at how expansive this section of the park was. A cute little walking trail that took you from one fairy tale house to the next.

This was me after a solid one minute of struggling to get on this stupid chair.

GOALS.

Some of the houses had characters waiting outside to give you HANDSTAMPS. We of course weren’t aware of this at the beginning and missed a few and I guess no one bothered to clue us in since we aren’t CHILDREN.

That, my friends, is discrimination.

This was the moment that Chooch realized that “crown” means “head” in this context.

“So…Jack literally broke…his HEAD?”

Nursery rhymes are so dark.

Chooch barely fit inside any of the houses.

I felt obligated to take this picture as Snow White told us the names of all her dwarves.

Lol.

Here’s the aforementioned Snow White after she LEFT HER POST and incoming children were screaming for her, lol.

Definitely not the best Humpty Dumpty.

“Where are all these kids getting suckers?” I asked for the 48th time, fixated on the promise of free candy.

(REMEMBER WHEN THAT WAS BROOKS ORPIK’S NICKNAME WHEN HE WAS A PGH PENGUIN???)

“I don’t know,” Chooch mumbled, never taking his eyes off his phone because he’s back in that Geocaching life. “Over by the pirate ship I think.

So then this happened:

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Literally, Henry had to yell at him to do it because he was sick of me crying over the fact that I never got a Dum Dum and he just wanted, at that point, me to have a Dum Dum in my mouth to quiet me.

YAY.

This was the grand finale, I guess. Some castle thing.

Chooch was in line to pull the sword out of the stone, but parents kept encouraging their brats to cut in front of him which was insulting. This was the only time all day where I was getting angry at the people around me.

ME TOO! (If you look closely, you can see the Dum Dum jutting out of my mouth haha.)

Well, that’s it for Idlewild. Maybe one day I will have a grandkid to take here, but otherwise, I can’t imagine we will ever go back. (UNLESS THEY GET AN RMC FAMILY COASTER???)

Would you believe that I was born and raised in Pittsburgh but have never been to Idlewild Park until my FORTY-FIFTH YEAR OF LIFE?! I have no idea why my family never went here when my sibs and I were growing up – it’s only an hour away and it’s the sister park to Kennywood and apparently, at least this year, it has the distinction of being the “best children’s park in the US.” LET ME BE THE JUDGE OF THAT, THANKS.

A really fun fact that I would be remiss to mention is that I actually could have gone here in my early twenties, pre-Chooch, when Henry’s mom organized an Idlewild outing for the WHOLE FAMILY (Henry and his kids, and his sister and her family) but I was still the outlier, the homewrecker, etc. at that time so I was not invited and instead stayed home by myself, crying, getting drunk off of Manischevitz (classy), and taking depressing goth-centric photos of myself on my digital point-and-shoot cam because this was 2002 after all. I don’t think MySpace was around yet, but LiveJournal certainly was and I would bet everything in my Cure collection that I posted those pics on there in modern “lady on a fainting couch” fashion.

Anyway, this is where we chose to go on Labor Day because Henry put his foot down when I begged to go away for the weekend.

After Henry blew a gasket in the parking lot because as usual he chose the wrong lane to get into and the person in front of required an exorbitant level of assistance, like, was the parking booth attendant guy spoon-feeding him porridge too?! And then when it was finally our turn, the attendant held his hand out of the booth to stop us because some DILDO DAD drove through the parking entrance, PARKED, and then WALKED OVER TO THE BOOTH TO PAY. Bro, that is not how this works! So yeah, Henry was spitting speckles of hatred all over the windshield and instead of being on his side, this just made me angry because I am generally disgusted when Henry gets mad and starts complaining loudly about stupid things. So, that’s how our nice family day at a little kid amusement park started, lol.

First up (after Henry had to pee of course and I admired cutie squirrels) was Rollo Coaster which was nice and docile, a really great intro to the coaster world for young kids.  The ride op was like “I WANT TO GO TO THAT PARK -THEIR WILD MOUSE IS TALLER THAN OURS” as he was checking my seat belt and I had no idea what he was going on about until I remembered that I was wearing my Shivering Timbers shirt from Michigan’s Adventure.

(P.S. The aforementioned Wild Mouse was CLOSED FOR THE SEASON for refurb so this was the only credit available for Chooch on this visit UGH.)

Then it was #carouselfie time! Chooch was chagrinned because it was his turn to take it and this is one of his least favorite things in life but JUST WAIT UNTIL HE’S LIVING AWAY FROM MOMMY AND DADDY and then I bet he will start to appreciate these little, dorky traditions. RIGHT??

This was a huge step up from that dumpy carousel at Camden, that’s for sure.

This is definitely the one that will be framed and hung on the #carouselfie wall!

After this, we walked across a bridge to the little-little kid area.

We rode the train! There was DRAMA. When the train made it to one of the stations and stopped in order to let people off and new people get on, this man pictured below in the gray WV shirt tried to walk past the caboose. “Whoa, you can’t go back there!” the train attendant, also pictured below, said.

“I dropped my hat back there, I’m just going to go and grab it,” he said it, attempting to shoulder past the old man.

“That’s restricted area! I can’t let you go back there!” the old Idlewild guy reiterated, which made the WV Dad belligerent.

“I just need to grab a hat! YOU CAN SEE IT FROM HERE!” he shouted, jabbing an aggravated finger toward a plot of grass next to the train tracks.

This went on for quite some time while the train guy was trying to get everyone off and on the train. He kept saying he would get it for him, but to please be patient. Now WV Dad’s wife was turning around in her seat toward the middle of the train (what was the rush – they were staying on the train anyway!!) to see what was going on and WV Dad literally (LITERALLY!!) said loudly, “Sorry, I’m not ‘allowed’ to get the hat. I’m getting yelled at.”

To which the train guy snapped back in an exhausted, resigned tone, “I’m not yelling at you, I’m just saying that I can’t let you go back there. We have a procedure that needs to be followed.”

It was actually the epitome of second-hand embarrassment. The way this guy was acting SO PUT OUT over being told he had to FOLLOW THE RULES. Jesus Christ.

Ofc I have a video:

He “lost” his seat because people coming on the train took it and that was another crisis. The way he snatches the hat from the old guy at the end just really boiled my blood though. Get over yourself. THIS DIDN’T EVEN TAKE ANY TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY SINCE THEY WERE STAYING ON THE TRAIN ANYWAY!?!?!? Like, bro – we were all just sitting there waiting for the new passengers to board, this took zero seconds out of your time at the park. I hate people like this. Just follow the rules, please.

Otherwise, it was a very serene little train ride, with the old train guy behind us yelling things like, “GENTLEMAN IN THE GREEN PLEASE KEEP YOUR ARMS INSIDE THE CAR” and the gentleman in question was like, 7. And we saw some cutie squirrels chasing each other. I quite enjoyed my time on the train, hostile dad and all.

BUT I BET YOU THOUGHT THE TRAIN TANTRUM REFERENCED IN THE TITLE OF THIS POST RELATED TO ME!!

I will say that Idlewild is very magical for the eyeballs. I loved the feeling of being nestled in a forest. It was very rustic and a stark contrast to the concrete jungles that some amusement parks tend to be. This place really did feel fairy tale-ish BUT overall, I enjoyed the ambiance of Story Land in NH a bit more. First of all, it had better rides.

Chipmunks! There was even a chipmunk in the bathroom with me. I wish we had chipmunks in our yard!!

Departing super young kiddie land, back into regular kiddie land aka the main part of the park. Truly, this was a children’s park and we were the only people there without young’ns in tow.

Fuck the Idlewild Emporium though! They don’t sell magnets!

Why did I agree to go on this. These rides always make me sick!!

Chooch wasn’t amused that I took this shot. (And yes, if you were wondering, I did get wrecked on this ride. Henry was watching with the other parents and said that there were only two cars on  the whole ride that were spinning and ours was one of them. Natch.)

Then we decided to see what all the fuss about re: Confusion Hill, which our beloved DAFE (Darkride & Funhouse Enthusiasts) ranked in the top 5 of the country’s best dark attractions??? Or maybe it’s specifically dark walk-thrus?? I immediately had to send a picture of the sign out front to Christina, no context, and of course they knew immediately why I sent it and were t-r-i-g-g-e-r-e-d.

“Thangs.”

They hate the word “thangs.” LOL.

Yeah, this was fine, I guess. The two Confusion Hill actors / guides were highly energized and entertaining so I will give it that much, but this is just your standard gravity hill type roadside attraction where OMG WHY IS THE WATER UPHILL?? etc. The guy actor tried really hard to get Chooch to sit on a crooked chair mounted to the wall after all the other kids left and I know he wanted to say yes but was trying to act like he was too cool for that silly gravity optical illusion sissy shit.

I required ice cream after this. Then the dad in front of me ordered a peanut butter milkshake and I was like OR DO I WANT THAT INSTEAD but it put my brain into overload (I’m fragile these days, leave me alone) so when it was my turn to order, I just got a twist cone. :(

And then had regertz. :(

Chooch is too old for babytime ice cream cones!!! He opted for A PIECE OF GUM instead. This is the COLLEGE WAY.

Henry ruined this picture.

Then we sat on a wall and ate our ice cream while Chooch complained about being bored because he didn’t have ice cream to keep him busy. I appreciated the colors of the sprinkles here at Idlewild. Sometimes sprinkles just aren’t pretty enough! But these were nice and bold and the perfect complement to a beautiful end-of-summer day. Man, I know this was one of the worst summers I’ve ever had, personally, but it still makes me sad to see it come to an end and I find myself doing that frantic scrambling that I’m always wont to do come September.

It’s just weird not taking that “first day of school” picture of Chooch on the front porch, but I guess I can take one before we leave here on Friday to drop him off in Philly.

(FML. This is really starting to hit me hard, lol.)

Then we went on the lamest log flume ever. I’m sorry, but Idlewild’s not got SHIT on Story Land in the ride department. The only thing that they do better (spoiler alert) is their Storybook Forest, which we will get to in the next post.

Oh well, tata for now.

I scheduled last Wednesday off a work last week in an effort to siphon as much remaining quality time with Chooch-Soon-To-Be-At-College as possible. I had a bigtime bee in my bonnet about going to Cedar Point and he was a big walking UGH about this because “it’s so far away” (<  3 hours, get over it) but he eventually acquiesced because deep down, he loves mommy.

We only spent a half day there and it was A REALLY GOOD DAY (read: NOT CROWDED) but it was also pretty uneventful. So, this should be a quick recap.

Chooch and I split driving responsibilities on the way there. I had the first shift and he watched a movie on his laptop (Silence of the Lambs, which I can’t believe he had never seen before, I failed him as a horror parent) and I listened to Seventeen with full, unabashed abandon. It was a really nice and peaceful drive, honestly. (Except for when we switched driving responsibilities and I was able to look at my phone and see that Taeil had been removed from NCT because of a FUCKING SEX CRIME he’s currently being investigated for so that was fucked.)

When we arrived, the lot was barely crowded but HOO BOY for only allegedly being 82 degrees that day, it felt like 100. The sweat practically began dripping down my back almost immediately while walking through the lot. The one thing about Cedar Point is that there is really not much shade to be had.

We had a nice start to the day on Millie, maybe even one of the best rides I’ve had on that, but then we got stuck on the brake run while the ride attendants cleaned up puke from the exit platform and the empty train that was now chilling in the station. I wonder, in hindsight, if it was the broad who I saw while waiting in the station who was drinking a beer. I mean, it was nearly noon at that point so I guess no judgment but SHIT, it was so hot and I can’t imagine drinking a beer and immediately getting on a giga coaster, or any ride, on ANY type of day really. I rarely drink at amusement parks in general, honestly, but you do you I guess.

After this, we speed-walked to Maverick, which had a 45 minute posted – this would actually be pretty short on a regular day at CP but I was kind of hoping for something shorter on this random Wednesday during the last full operating week of the season, but whatever.

Well, it actually ended up being only 20 minutes!! That line flew, we never stopped moving, and 100% it was because of the lack of the Fastlane holders. That (and the fact that Maverick is notorious for breaking down frequently) is a huge part of the reason why this line is always so fucking long on a regular day. I was giving Henry updates the whole time, like, “We’re almost to the steps and it’s been less than 20 minutes!” and I hope he was sad that he didn’t have the balls to call off work. Little bitch.

Anyway, I am going to be a hater and just put this out there – I don’t really care much for Maverick. Maybe it’s because there is so much frustration that comes with it on every trip we take out there (most times we don’t even get to ride it because I don’t have the stamina to wait that long) but it honestly just hurts my head.

After this, we tried to ride SteVe but the Entrance Warden busted me trying to sneak in my fanny pack wrapped and folder under my arm and said I had to put it in a paid locker, which pissed me off because it fits in the free lockers inside the ride line and usually Henry will stick it in his cargo shorts pocket. I refused to pay for a locker, so we passed on SteVe and then I sent Henry a torrent of texts blaming this blight on him. “Tell Chooch to put it in his pocket!” he texted back, but Chooch was wearing these, I don’t know what they were, cotton leisure shorts with shallow pockets.

We decided to move on and try it again later, so we went on Gemini and sat behind Gemini’s Biggest Fan who was doing all kinds of creepy Jesus posturing and poses throughout the whole ride and I sort of felt proselytized by proxy into his branch of coaster crazies. The name he gave me was Jojo Roll, in case you need to put together a search and rescue mission one day.

After this, I was like, “CHOOCH, CAN WE PLEASE EAT LUNCH BEFORE I DIE” and he was like, ‘I’M NOT HUNGRY BUT FINE.” I was running on the fumes of a breakfast protein drink and needed solids, bigly.

But then on our way to food, we saw that the line for Wild Mouse was nearly a station wait?! IT HAS NEVER BEEN LIKE THIS FOR US! We always wait at least 45 minutes for this bitch! So, lunch had to wait.

This Wild Mouse is actually so much fun. My only gripe is that it really feels shorter than most coasters of this type!? And that even though by the time it was our turn, there were only around 8 other people in line but they still sat us with 2 other people.

I kept checking the weather app on my phone because it felt so much hotter than 81/82 degrees, honest to god.

But we got a reprieve inside the….fuck, I always forget the name of that big pavilion that replaced our beloved Spaghetti Noodle (née Wicked Twister). It’s annoying to me that instead of putting a good quality vegan/vegetarian protein option on the menu, CP bitches out by having a “Sides” meal where you can pick three sides instead of a protein FOR THE SAME PRICE THOUGH. I mean, that doesn’t seem like a great deal to me but it’s either this or go get pizza from some other place for the same price.

However, I will say that the sides are actually pretty good. That cucumber salad was DELICIOUS.

Chooch got strawberries instead of the cucumbers.

I was extremely full after eating all of this so I guess it is a pretty good deal after all.

Afterward, we immediately rode the Wild Mouse again lol. And then the atomic scrambler for our first time!?

I can’t stress how much I love the boardwalk area. They place the BEST music here. The scrambler was playing stuff that I have on my UltraLounge CDs!!

The ride op was kind of weird though. Chooch and I had to wait for the current cycle to finish – there was only one car occupied with three little girls, and after the ride ended, the ride op started yelling instructions to them on how to unlock the seat. The girl sitting next to the actual lock thing was the youngest out of all of them – maybe 6?! And she could NOT figure out what he was telling her, so then her dad was also yelling directions at her and she was getting frustrated, and then the girl furthest away had to try to lean across the other two to unlock it and the whole time, Chooch and I were saying out loud, “Why doesn’t the guy just walk over there AND DO IT FOR THEM???”

Anyway, she was crying by the time they got off the ride and even though it is in my nature to always take the side opposite a child in distress, I was actually on her team this time. That was kind of fucked up. And then I was so nervous about this lock situation that I made Chooch sit on that side so that he could deal with it.

AND WHEN THE RIDE ENDED, HE HAD ALREADY FORGOTTEN ABOUT THE SIDE LOCK AND I WAS LIKE, “CHOOCH, DON’T MAKE HIM YELL AT US!”

To be clear, the ride op wasn’t actually yelling out of meanness or anger – he was just yelling to be heard and was a pretty chill young guy but also apparently lazy if he couldn’t just walk around and unleash riders himself?!

End of season apathy I guess.

Magnum time!!! I think the first row of the last car is my absolute favorite.

Just me trying to make memories, etc!

Then we had SteVe redemption!! Chooch stuffed my fanny pack in his pocket and we managed to slide right past the guy manning the entrance – the militant woman wasn’t there this time and the guy wasn’t even looking at us so it was super easy. IT WAS THE SHORTEST LINE I HAVE EVER BEEN IN FOR STEVE!! We breezed past the Fastlane attendant and made it all the way to ALMOST where the line splits for lockers / non-lockers. IYKYK.

And as expected, my fanny pack fit in the locker with no issue, rolled up into a little ball. I was reading about this controversy afterward on Reddit and most people seem to subscribe to my theory that this is just another CP cash-grab, an excuse for making people pay for lockers even though free ones are available in the line when they know damn well that small waist bags fit in there. But then I also saw that the “real reason” provided by CP staff is that “straps of waist bags can slip down into the locker and jam it”?? My straps aren’t even hanging off the thing because I unclipped it and wrap the straps all the way around the bag. There is nothing dangling off.

Anyway, our first ride was in the backrow and it was amazing. Every time I ride SteVe, I’m like, “OK, forget what I said, this is still my #1.”

We cheated the system and left our stuff in the free lockers afterward and immediately ran back in line because it was still non-existent. HOWEVER. WE FUCKED UP. It is a known fact amongst SteVe experts that the line for locker users has historically been shorter than the line for people who don’t need the lockers. (The line splits into two at the “need a locker?” checkpoint – if you don’t need one, you keep going to the right. If you do need one, there is a different line on the left that you can get back into after you’re done in the locker area. This line was the old Fastlane line and it is SHORTER IN LENGTH than the other line so it makes sense that you’d be waiting less!!)

Since this time we didn’t have anything on us that required a locker, we were relegated to the right-side lane, but then I heard the people behind us – who had done the same thing as us by getting off the ride and running right back into line – ask the line attendant if they could get into the left line even though they didn’t a locker because it’s faster. The line guy just shrugged and said, “I don’t know if it’s faster, but sure go ahead.”

THEY GOT ON THE RIDE SO MUCH FASTER THAN US! I swear to god, that right line moves like molasses!! So even though it was still a shorter wait than we would usually have for SteVe, it was so frustrating to see people who were behind us in line going to get a locker, and then passing us by in the left line.

Then a new ride attendant was manning the station – a woman this time – and gave us the biggest, nastiest look of resigned disgust when we asked if we could wait for the front. She let us, but not without making us feel like the scum of the earth. Look, on a crowded day, we wouldn’t have asked BUT the queue for the front car is purposely built out to account for larger lines?! And there were only two couples waiting in that line, anyway, but go off, lady.

But yeah, back to back rides on SteVe in less than 45 minutes? Unheard of. I was so happy.

We rode Magnum again, this time all the way in the back and that was a mistake, lol. My thighs were immediately bruised. I do love that fucking ride though and the station theme music makes me feel like I could roller skate up a hill.

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Chooch wanted to leave after this but then I saw that Raptor had a zero minute wait and gave him pleading eyes, so he said, “OMG FINE” like I’m the kid in this sitch. I had to send this picture to Henry because HOLY SHIT THERE IS NO ONE IN THE SWITCHBACKS? We literally WALKED ON, you guys. Got up to the station and walked right onto the back row. Glorious.

After this, we had a beautiful ride on Gatekeeper after a station wait and I finally agreed that we could leave. Sigh. It was around 5, but I would have happily stayed until the park closed at 8 because I truly wasn’t ready to leave yet. But Chooch was like, “We did what we came to do and now it’s time to go home.” Wow OK dad.

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I thought it was fitting that Summer Breeze was playing in my favorite boardwalk area at the end of our day at Cedar Point. Sometimes I hate Cedar Point, but it was so magical on this day.

On our way home, we stopped at a nearby Biggby for some coffee and that was a weird experience watching a gaggle of young teen girls work chaotically on too many orders at once and we thought for sure ours were going to be fucked but they were both delicious and it made me sad that we don’t have any of these joints closer to home because I would go there weekly.

TO CONCLUDE: It was a really nice day spent with my kid who is leaving for college in less than a week at the time of this posting. I am so glad that I was able to take some time off work here and there to make these last minute summer memories with him. GOTTA GO CRY IN A DARK ROOM NOW, FEEL FREE TO CRY ALONG WITH ME, ARGENTINA.

Can you tell that I am desperado to pack in as much as possible before Chooch leaves for college? I really hate how the vibe of the summer shifted so harshly and how I spent so much of it being emotionally catatonic. I am trying, you guys.

Last weekend, we did a small day trip to Huntingdon, WV to collect the whopping 3 coaster creds at Camden Park. We had tossed around the idea of going here for the past several years but honestly, it is so out of the way and (sorry locals) not really worth the trip unless you’re on the way somewhere better. But in this case, we were looking for something that we could knock out in less than a day, and Camden Park finally fit the bill.

We knew that this park was going to be kind of a dump (SORRY AGAIN LOCALS) but I honestly didn’t care and was stoked to see the infamous clown signage in person finally. You know I love me some clown shit. This didn’t disappoint!

We were there on a hot ass Saturday in August. Probably every other amusement park in America was poppin’ off but Camden Park was…meandering.

My IMMEDIATE first impression was that it was like Conneaut Park in PA (RIP) but make it a bit livelier (and you know, open). There really wasn’t much to write home about aesthetically or anything, but we knew this going in. Somehow the vibes were actually worse than I expected though. Not to say we had a terrible time, but it felt strange being there. We are not what you would consider cosmopolitan or uppity people by any stretch of the imagination, and I am not trying to be stereotypin’ the peeps here, but let’s just say we definitely stood out as interloping city folk.

Henry must have been feeling at home though because he was nicer than I have EVER witnessed him being to staff and ride ops. It was NUTS. “YOU HAVE A NICE DAY!” he kept shouting at everyone and it was very disconcerting, like we had been sent to a different dimension and Henry was over-acting some weird version of himself without fear of consequence. I can’t explain it but it was on par with how jarring it was to hear him say, “YOU AS WELL” in response (OK I typed “respondence” at first, I need to be put on the Billy Madison track) to cashiers, etc. telling him to have a good day.

I was really excited to ride this and expected to leave with spine damage, but holy shit it was good! I mean, not worth going out of your way for unless you’re a thoosie or someone who keeps a spreadsheet of coaster credits, and it is janky AF to be honest. But there was an intense of pop of airtime after the first drop that was completely unexpected, and I felt like I was going to be catapulted out of my seat. It made me scream and laugh my face off. Those are elements of a good and memorable coaster experience, if you ask me.

The ride ops were exactly what you’d expect from a park of this ilk – basically the maintenance crew, honestly. Which isn’t a bad thing but holy shit, the grizzliness was in full effect here. Basically, throw down some carnival rides but make it permanent and keep the carnies on staff. They released the lap bars with no announcement (at least, none that I heard!) so the bar slammed down HARD on my wrists. I was being v. vocal about the pain I was in but Chooch accused me of exaggerating. I was not! That lap bar was heavy!

Don’t worry, I didn’t sue or anything. BUT 10-YEAR-OLD ERIN PROBABLY WOULD HAVE TRIED TO.

Camden Park also has a dark ride with a very original name. HAUNTED HOUSE. You don’t say.

Haunted House selfie. LOL my unruly gray hairs.

This guy was like if Jonny Craig had joined the carnival junket instead of pursuing music.

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Anyway, I liked it just fine but it also seemed very short? I feel like it was definitely shorter than, say, The Whacky Shack at Waldameer and maybe even the Devil’s Den from the aforementioned Conneaut.

I was so pissed that this FAFSA billboard was haunting us while we were trying to enjoy a leisurely jaunt on the rickety carousel. (Henry had some weird rapport going on with the elderly operator, btw. He was yukking it up with so many blue collareds on this day, you guys. Maybe Henry will move to Huntingdon when he retires. Or maybe he can just move there now and join the Camden maintenance crew?!

I just want to remember that we got along the whole time we were here – which, in all fairness, was only about 2 hours, lol. But if you knew my state of mind not even just over these last few months but really for almost the whole last year, you would know that getting through an afternoon together as a family without me flipping my already unhinged lid…well, it’s an accomplishment to remember.

Wow, two carouselfie versions to choose from for the wall. I made Henry move up to a different horse and take a new shot because I wanted my mint horse to be in it. God, I make such a simple, benign tradition into such a miserable process sometimes haha. (Chooch’s voice is echoing into the void: “you mean ‘always.'”)

This is that Hipstamatic filter that essentially puts age spots on skin. I need to stop using this on pictures of people lol. Anyway, this was in line for the Whip, which was also being operated by an effervescent elder.

EW WHY IS MY TOOTH CAUGHT ON MY LIP. Jesus Christ, maybe I’m the one who should retire to Huntingdon.

This amount of pictures of the Whip is uncalled for, really.

I loved this old man operator so much that I had to walk back around and get him in a picture. This place was something else.

Get a load of this sketchy-ass sky ride. That’s a no for me, Paula.

The Little Dipper was actually pretty fun for a baby coaster! The ride attendant didn’t even check our restraints LOL.

We were the first people in line and I was all set to get the last row but one of the kids behind us asked, “Are you going to take the backseat?” and I said, “Maybe, why? Do you want it?” AND WHAT THE HELL CAME OVER ME, I ACTUALLY GAVE THESE KIDS THE BACK SEAT. We took the front row so it wasn’t all that bad. I’m just really scared that I did something nice for a child.

I have looked like hell all year. My hair doesn’t even grow anymore. Anyway, this was on the Tilt a Whirl.

Conversely, I didn’t want the front row on this one but there was a group of tween girls behind us and I didn’t like how they were acting – I can picture them being bullies in the halls of some shitty West Virginia middle school and that didn’t sit well with me so when I heard them going on and on about wanting the front row, I abandoned my dreams of being a back row bitch and ran to claim the front row out from under their snobby little noses.

Then before we left, I bought some swag in the gift shop which actually offered way better merch than a park of this caliber had ANY right to. I got a shirt, a magnet, a coffee cup, and a shot glass with a clown inside of it. I also could have bought a Camden Park photo album to hold all of our precious photographical memories from the day but apathy took over and I put it back on the shelf.

And yeah, that concludes our day trip to Camden Park, where Henry turned into a local yokel and we made it out without tetanus or a fentanyl addiction. Bleak, sorry.

Full disclosure, I forgot to finish writing about this. Life is so fucking stupid anymore! Anyway, let’s just quickly looks at these leftover pics and I will maybe write some words where applicable. Like here for instance, where we ended up riding this rapids ride with a thoosie dad and his daughter who invited us to join them on their raft after we chatted in line about coasters. Chooch, wearing an actual coaster group shirt, offered nothing and I was left limping my way through the convo because even though I am always whining about having no one to talk to about coasters, as soon as I do have someone I clam up?? Anyway, Henry took an entire album’s worth of photos of us on this for some reason.

We didn’t eat lunch here, but did get a pretzel and it was just OK. But I will not judge the food at the park on that alone!

We were trying to push Henry toward Cinderella and Chooch yelled, “He’s your biggest fan!” YOU CAN RIDE A HORSE-DRAWN PUMPKIN CARRIAGE TO HER CASTLE, BTW. We sadly did not do this, Chooch refused after seeing the line and the low capacity of each carriage.

This place in a word: enchanting.

In two words? Add “charming.”

When I saw this castle on the website, I screamed, “I WANT TO TAKE HENRY’S PICTURE THERE!” and by “scream” I mean that I sent Megan a CAPSLOCK message on Teams. She was like, “Oh that’s a must!” and then when Henry tried to scratch this off the itinerary, I cried, “BUT MEGAN WANTED ME TO TAKE A PICTURE OF YOU BY THE CASTLE!!” and he was like, “OH FOR GOD’S SAKE.” Lol, thanks, Megan :)

If Henry hadn’t needed to stand in line for A PRETZEL we could have made it to the castle before people started to line up for Cinderella but whatever.

Some nice man took a picture for us – if we use this one on the wall, does it even count as a CAROUSELFIE though??

Also, Henry is wearing his wedding band but as you can see, my ring finger is bare. I took my ring off at the airbnb the day before and I don’t think I put it back on for 2 or more weeks after that LOL. I also took it off in Chicago too. Our fights are so much more meaningful now that I have an actual wedding band to take off in a fit!

I loved the nursery rhyme walk-thru area!

So did Chooch!

The attention to detail really tickled my soul.

Before we left, Chooch got his drivers license, LOL. Unlike Liseberg, where we both got our boating license FOR FREE, this cost $12! Worth it though.

Only other thing to note is that when we were in the candy shop waiting to buy a whoopie pie, we saw a cute little mole scurrying about! I don’t think I have ever seen a mole in real life before! That just added to the charm.

What a nice day and not a single fight. With that,  I think we can finally put this New England Birthday Trip to rest because honestly, I kind of don’t want to think about it anymore for a while.

The last part of our New England Bi-Polar Road Trip was a half-day romp through the most precious, adorable, wholesome, charming amusement park I think I have ever seen – StoryLand in the White Mountains of New Hampshire! I knew a little bit about this park from my friend Alyson who lives in NH, but other than being familiar with its fairy tale aesthetic and the fact that it has a pretty intense wooden coaster for a children’s park, this place was a mystery to us. I kind of thought that we’d just run in, grab the 2 coaster creds, then head home.

But yooooooo, boiiiii. Hold up. This place exceeded expectations immediately upon entry. I really wasn’t expecting it to be such a whimsical oasis in the mountains of NH. I mean for god’s sake, the first thing we encountered was this little show!

WOW THE JOY ON CHOOCH’S FACE AS HE POSES FOR YET ANOTHER PHOTO WITH MOMMY.

OBSESSED ALREADY. THIS IS MY STYLE!!!

Are we back in Norway, though?? I’m kind of glad it has taken me so long to recap this day because seeing these pictures with fresh eyes is so much. I can’t get over how actually enchanted this place is. And it was kind of cool because in the early morning portion, it was overcast and drizzly, which added even more ambiance if that’s even possible. It did get sunny later on though so we got to experience the park both ways!

Did you know I’m obsessed with cuckoo clocks?! One of my  plans for either this shitty house or a future one if we ever fucking move (oh god, please let us be able to buy a house someday while Henry is still spry enough to carry out all of the projects I have packed in the dark recesses of my mind) is to have an entire wall of cuckoo clocks set at different times. Not annoying AT ALL.

OMG this really has to be the cutest themed teacups I have ever seen. I’m obsessed. Bavarian Norwegian crossover of my dreams.

Dude, it definitely felt like being in Norway again!

The ride operator said she loved Chooch’s Minion Crocs and that opened up membership to some kind of bizarre Croc Compliment Club because he started getting comments on those fuckers all the livelong day after this. He was so happy about it, to the point where he even started eavesdropping on people around us to see if they were talking about his Crocs.

Ugh. Now he knows what it’s like to be COOL LIKE ME.

Wow, thanks for the great video Papa H.

Then we went on the cutest little log flume that was PANDA THEMED. One of the ride attendants was named CHEESE and she was so cute! Also, we got in a “pre-line” for this baby because it didn’t start running until 10am and Chooch was like, “I can’t believe we’re lined up for a baby log flume” but it was part of the experience because we got to stare down the little girl in front of us who kept turning around and looking at us LIKE WHAT, WHY? BECAUSE TWO BIG PEOPLE WANT TO RIDE THIS DUMB LOG THING WITH NO CHILDREN??

LOG FLUMES ARE FOR EVERYONE.

When we were coming back into the loading area, there was a baby squirrel trying to cross over the trough!!! We had a moment with the ride attendant over it lol.

After we got off this, we ran to another section of the park because ROARASAURUS was now open! It’s a crazy intense woodie in a children’s park!! The thoosies LOVE this bitch.

It’s one-train ops but the line was just a station wait so it really wasn’t too bad. Chooch and I rode in both the front and back and TBH I wanted to ride it more times but Chooch and Henry were like, “let’s move on.”

The train is so cute!!

Henry said, “Look it’s Splash Battle Mountain” and I realized he was trying to make a Dance Gavin Dance joke and this KILLED Chooch and me. At first, I slipped and genuinely laughed but the I realized that I was giving him credit for landing a joke so I quickly started to criticize him and then gave him examples of how he could have made it make better sense.

Ugh. Obsessed.

I loved the Dutch-ass section too!!!

The second coaster cred was this polar bear coaster thing that was actually pretty fun for a small scale family coaster! Also, many comments on the Minion Crocs in this line.

This is what the station looks like from the brake run! The theming here was immaculate. I would have been in heaven if I had gone here as a child. Now I’m pissed. DID MY PAPPAP NOT LOVE ME ENOUGH??

OK, that’s all for now!

One of the coolest things about taking a trip with 70+ coaster enthusiasts is that there were bound to be a handful of YouTubers in the group. At first, I was not stoked about this because I am, in fact, a SHRINKING VIOLET which is something I was called once about 15 years ago and you know how sometimes when you’re called something that you know you’re not, it sticks with you? This was one of those things, in addition to Christina once saying that I was stand-offish. These are some factors into why I think that in addition to all of my other issues, I think that I am also having an identity crisis and we have added it to the list of goals in therapy: TO BE ME AGAIN.

Whoever that is.

J/K I know she is. She is THAT BITCH and I want her back.

ANYWAY. Where was I?

Oh yeah, bumping (bruised from coasters) elbows with these YouTubers ended up being a blessing because we now have several different POVs of our trip and even a year later, the vlogs are still coming out! GP Coasters just posted their Tusenfryd and Gronalund vlogs and I am here for it.

I was so happy to see our ascent up the iconic Tusenfryd escalator! Especially because I didn’t make it in Tim’s final shot that he posted on the Coaster Crew Instagram so I snagged a screenshot from GP Coasters’ vlog. What makes me even happier is that Kevin and Pam are in the shot! (Also in the shot is that guy in front of me who acted like he hated me for some reason oh yeah because I’m a woman who likes coasters. So threatening.)

Chooch walking without us, as usual.

Henry and me riding Storm for the first time! Looks like Jean and Larry are behind us and Arnold is in front of us with some blurry man I cannot identify. Possibly Eamon?

I can’t believe this was a year ago. Little did I know then that we’d come home, have one decent month, and then the first domino would fall. Goddammit, will I ever have fun again?

This part of Saturday night was frustrating. I had a plan and as per usual Henry decided to wipe his ass with it and go rogue. We were supposed to go to Portland after Funtown, have dinner, look at the lighthouse, do fun and cool city stuff. But Henry was like WE WILL INSTEAD GO TO THAT BEACH PLACE YOU MENTIONED and like, yeah, I mentioned it but that was for Sunday night?! When it would probably be less crowded?

So, we get there and it’s crowded (surprise) and Henry was being so annoying about parking. I lost it and cried, “JUST FORGET IT, LET’S JUST GO TO THE AIRBNB” and he was like “AT 7:OOPM?? AND THEN JUST STAY THERE?!” because it was in the middle of nowhere with stuff to do. So then after he started to head toward that way, I was like FINE JUST GO BACK and so we did but it was annoying and crowded and honestly, I just didn’t like the vibes.

The actual area is called Old Orchard Beach, btw, and it is NO WILDWOOD, NJ, that I will tell you. I was hoping for Big Beach Energy but it wasn’t that. It felt like a county fair, but put it next to the beach.

We didn’t spend much time here. We had three coaster creds to scoop up – Henry opted out because we had to pay per ride and he is El Cheapo.

Thrilled.

This Orient Express was actually kind of forceful!?

I don’t know why Henry took so many pictures.

And a video:

Then we rode an SBF Visa Spinner. It was fine. Didn’t spin much and you can tell we are just so excited to be there riding a coaster model we’ve ridden 87 times.

This place was very crowded. It was like the Jersey Shore but with Maine accents and lots of French-Canadian tourists.

The main attraction was SEA VIPER:

I really enjoyed this! It was wild and not nearly as uncomfortable or janky as I had it pegged to be by scoping it out from line. And for one-train ops, the wait actually wasn’t that bad – maybe 25 minutes?

I loved this flat ride the most though!! YOU CAN TELL, BECAUSE I AM ACTUALLY SMILING!

Then we also did a realllllly lame funhouse (sorry, but Europe spoiled us with funhouses!!) and then walked down some pier thing with restaurants that had no food for vegetarians, and then we got coffee from some old woman at a snack counter. She was nice. The coffee was OK.

God, I was in such a foul mood though. I was hungry but not, I was sad but angry, I was tired but bored. Nothing was making me happy. I actually flipped out right after Henry took this picture because people were walking by and I was like HURRY UP AND TAKE THE PICTURE and then I decided NEVER MIND JUST FORGET IT and I walked away while Chooch was still sitting there, like, “I thought you wanted a picture here…?” and YOU KNOW WHAT, I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT I WANTED.

So then we left and started to make our way to the airbnb in Westbrook, Maine which was about 20 minutes away and I cried in the passenger seat while occasionally snarling shitty remarks at Henry in the stylings of Teenage Girl Possessed by the Devil, because that is just what I do now. Where is my Olympic gold for being the GOAT at crying on the spot while verbally eviscerating Henry. This bitch can multi-task.

OH I WAS ALSO PISSED BECAUSE MY BLOG WAS BROKEN AND I WAS TRYING TO LIVE BLOG AND WHY IS EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE BREAKING/DYING/LEAVING/ETC.

Look at these beautiful memories I’ve been making this summer.

Our first stop in Maine was a town called Saco where a small amusement park called FUNTOWN SPLASHTOWN lives. You gotta know we planned this trip around roller coasters! Originally, we were also going to go to La Ronde in Montreal, but that is infamously known as the WORST Six Flags park in their entire roster and we figured if we’re going to go to Montreal for the first time, we want more time to actually see the city AND we’d prefer going to the park on a weekday NOT a Saturday. Well, Henry decided this unilaterally, I should say. And then continued to change the itinerary every step of the way, BUT THAT IS NEITHER HERE NOR THERE, RIGHT???

Don’t mind me, sitting over here at my desk blowing piping hot steam out of my nose like your average pissed off cartoon bull.

I also want to interrupt myself here to say that I thought it was fun that the state line was in the middle of a bridge! Look at me, being positive and highlighting the little things. Whoop-de-doo.

Well, I guess I will try to leave my negativity re: trip planning at the door for this one because we actually did have a really nice time once Henry stopped screaming at Chooch for “following the GPS directions” which were taking to us to the destination that would come after this one, but every time Chooch asked him, “Then which way should I go?” Henry wouldn’t answer?!! Lots of screaming ensuing.

Then Henry was all controlling about where we parked and Chooch was like, “I KNOW WHAT I AM DOING” and Henry was like, “TURN DOWN THIS AISLE!” and like, bro, the parking lot was not even that big. It truly did not matter where we parked. I was about to open the door and barrel-roll onto the gravel just to get away from the backseat drill sargeant.

S H E E S H.

Can we talk for a second about the awesome lettering/font they used here? I love it so much. It has 90’s Nick-vibes, like Doug Funny might be here with Patty Mayonnaise and the gang on a school field trip.

Since we had arrived around 4PM, we were able to get the discounted evening tickets which was a pretty decent savings! This was especially good for us because we knew this wasn’t a full-day park and that we were not going to be staying that long. (Originally, we were going to go to Portland from here and spend the evening there, but don’t worry – Henry fucked that all up UNILATERALLY as he was wont to do on this entire road trip that was meant to celebrate my birthday and help cheer me up but then ended up doing none of those things, so, good job Henry. Hope you haven’t started that travel agency yet unless it’s specifically for people who want to punish themselves under the guise of “vacationing.”)

My very first impression was neutral, I guess. There isn’t a real defined “entrance” or anything – you walk through the gate and everything is just kind of there, no rhyme or reason. No defined sections. Go left for waterpark stuff. Shitter straight ahead. Everything else, to the right and good luck. Of course, Henry had to pee straight away so we walked in and came to an abrupt halt like lost tourists while he did his thing.

Almost immediately, we came upon the new for 2023 darkride, Whispering Pines. SO HERE’S THE THING: It appears that every fucking coaster YouTuber had the same idea as us and did some rando’ New England coaster tour in the weeks leading up to our own trip, so I was watching a bunch of content prior to this and people were straight up q-tipping their pee holes over this ride. “OMG it’s Disney-caliber!” “I can’t believe this ride is here in this tiny nugu* area of Maine!” “I rode it 4x because it’s so fucking good!” “USA Today ranked it #6 of the best new attractions for 2023!”

*(nugu in Korean means “who?” and it’s what people call rookie/unknown kpop groups when they’re trying to be derogatory. Like, “Wow, that nugu group really just became Gucci embassadors? Who is their company paying off?”)

OK so I went into this with my hopes way too high, like maybe my hopes could have tried a few drops of CBD oil first before going so hard, but OK. There were three pre-teen kids in front of us and they were REAL hype boys for this ride, telling me, “IT’S SCARY!” etc etc and I was like, “Mmm, I’ll be the judge of that.”

I mean, I appreciated the Shining-esque carpeting in the queue line! That whole vibe was great.

And OK honestly? It was cool for a new dark ride in some nugu park. For sure. But was I crapping my pants and buying postcards to send home about this? “I CRAPPED MY PANTS ON A DARK RIDE IN MAINE! WISH YOU WERE HERE.”

Like…no. No, I wasn’t. IT WAS A SHOOTER RIDE AND THE GUNS WEREN’T EVEN WORKING.

Also, I hate shooter dark rides. I just want to sit back and relax on a dark ride. And I’m not even that picky, either! Stick me in a Pretzel car and send me through a veritable walk-in closet full of 1960s K-Mart Halloween props, turn on some strobe lights, and splash some day-glo paint on a wall in harlequin shapes and I am golden. And make it stink of musty sweaters and fog machines.

Apparently, this bothered me on a subconscious level because I actually had a dream the other night that I was so let down by this dark ride that I MADE MY OWN that was so scary I couldn’t stop thinking about it when I woke up.

I’ve really been wanting to quit my job lately and maybe this is my calling!? DESIGNING DARKRIDES?! SALLY,, YOU HIRING? I have absolutely no industry experience but I have been going to haunted house since 1994 and watching horror movies since before I could even walk so I’m sure I have something to offer. Also, let’s not forget that I was a member of DAFE (Darkride and Funhouse Enthusiasts!) for like, two whole seasons.

OK, we have to move on from that topic. Next, we went on Wild Mouse. It was a standard Wild Mouse. Ops actually weren’t terrible. There was a straight-up carny running this piece and he was giving Kirk vibes. It was OK. I appreciated the color scheme.

But then oh what’s this, motherfucking Camelot? OK, I see you, Funtown. I see your fucking sword in the stone….or whatever.

I thought I could run back around (PUT ME IN THE DUNGEON, I DON’T CARE) to the “observation deck” or whatever so that I could take a picture of them while they were still in the station, but this fucking Sir Putzalot idiot got in my way and I kept doing the IN A HURRY shuffle behind him before finally gasping EXCUSE ME and shouldering past him. BUT IT WAS TOO LATE. I was unrealistically pissed off about this which I was going to blame on my current fucked up psycho mindset but honestly I would have reacted like this no matter what. That was just me being me.

This happened much later, but I want to say that I’m glad I decided to give this a second chance because I ended up loving it. I rode it with Henry third row from the back and it was so much better, except that we had to suffer through an entire family of line-jumpers – can’t stand you, mothercheffers!! But yeah, second time around was so much better and I actually wanted to ride it again but then line got really long after that for some dumb reason and no one wanted to wait with me so I pouted.

Longest, most boring carousel. There were kids that were actually begging to stay on. Gross.

Also around this time, we went to the gift shop which was STRANGE AND BIZARRE. There was what I can only describe as a CRYSTAL COUNTER with its very own CRYSTAL DEALER. She was…not a Funtown employee, I refuse to believe it. She used to have a crystals and windchimes shop in the mountains but was run out of the area by rogue maple syrup pirates and was forced to move her wares into a shared space with Funtown beach towels and magnets.

There was also a super screamy kid in the gift shop and its grandma pulled it outside but then stood with it at the door so we could all still hear it shrieking. It was so rude! Like, hello, crystal lady is trying to ring up my fucking magnet and Chooch’s Funtown collector’s pen while attempting to hide her disappointment that none of us opted to throw in a chakra marble, could you NOT let your grandthing wail like that?

It was in this line that I really started to notice the clientele here at Funtown.  I don’t know if I was expecting fishermen and like, the Kennedys-on-holidays or what, but that’s certainly not what we were seeing here. Henry texted me while we were in line and was like, “I feel like we’re like in rural Indiana.”  The people in this line in particular were really creeping me out. Lots of early 2000s nu metal aesthetic.

Then there was this uncomfortable interaction between two young boys behind us and another young boy that was far enough ahead of us that he was technically next to us on the other side of the railing. Anyway, I couldn’t really figure out what was going on but I think they must have met each other earlier in the day in another line and the kid in front of us was like, “Hello <name> do you remember my name?” and the kid behind us DID NOT so the other kid had to reintroduce himself and then the mom was like pretending to care about the things the kid behind us was saying and it was so fake, and then then kid behind us was like, “Hey <name> do you want to ride this with us” and that kid (I feel like his name was Joel) literally SNAPPED, “No, I promised my mom I would ride with her, so.” It was such an uncomfortable rejection and I couldn’t understand why that kid had changed his attitude so quickly when he was the one who initiated the conversation in the first place?? And then he saw some other kid he knew too and was acting like the mayor of Funtown and…no, kid, just no. You are not cool.

Anyway, he and his mom got to ride one cycle before us and when they got off the ride, they walked right past the kid behind me with NO ACKNOWEDGEMENT. I was Team Kid Behind Us. Joel was not that great and his mom seemed like a PTA mom who acts like she has lots of power but really she’s just the one that makes sure the bake sales are NUT & GLUTEN FREE.

We were fucking CACKLING the whole time and wheezing, “WTF IS THAT??” Clipart-palooza. Glad I bought a ticket, wish I had a commemorative shirt. 100% in the Top 3 best moments of the weekend. Amazing.

What a weird little park.

(8:07am) Good morning party people, we’re currently en route to Allentown, PA to spend a few hours at Dorney Park. They have a new dive coaster and we need that cred. It takes a bit over 4 hours to get there so I really had to plead my case to Henry on this one haha.

We were just listening to one of the writers of St. Elmo’s Fire talking on WDVE in the wake of the Brat Pack doc and now I am desperate to watch that movie again – one of my faves when I was a teen!! Henry just admitted that he doesn’t think he ever watched the whole thing, oh my godddddd. Guess that’s what we will be doing this weekend.

(8:36am) Since my last check-in, we grabbed morning sustenance at Dunkin, Henry went the wrong way and denied it, then almost went through a redlight RIGHT IN FRONT OF COP and acted like it was NBD even though he did a HARD STOP that threw me forward and if it had me driving, Henry would have lambasted me and revoked my license because I’m a WOMAN.

(10:28am) Just stopped at a restaurant area in Sideling Hill whatever that means and Henry is being so annoying and also breathing heavy.

(11:51am) Welcome back to The Rest Stop Report. Just stopped at one outside of Harrisburg. Bathroom was clean. Came out to some weird hullabaloo at the vending machines where Henry was standing with a fistful of dollars like he was in the pit at a strip club, while Chooch was like GET ME THIS GET ME THAT. The vending machine had TUNA AND CRACKERS. I wanted Henry to get it for an experiment (a Will This Kill a Man experiment, specifically) but he ended up getting nothing so I don’t know what all that singing and dancing was for.

Apparently a package of Veggie Sticks was half sticking out and Chooch wanted Henry to shake the machine to see if he could knock it loose but Henry’s excuse was that “someone was working there” – bitch where? We saw no such employee. This was just his excuse to not have to be exposed for WEAKNESS.

(1:06pm) we made it!

(1:27pm) Iron Menace, the new one, down for maintenance ugh!

So we came to Steel Force and had to wait for them to clean a seat that someone puked in!

Also Chooch was a bitch about this picture. God forbid I’m trying to collect MEMS of our last summer together before he sets collegiate sail ugh.

(2:36pm) Hello from a table after eating cheese flatbread and witnessing Henry having a shit fit because he ate more than his share of a fried tasty kake krinkle (??) and we called him out on it. My least favorite thing about him is when he gets all high and mighty and gaslighty, wherein he acts like he’s this PERFECT MAN who never does anything wrong.

“You have a Saint complex!” I cried. “And I’ll tell you exactly who gave it to you – your mother!”

It’s true. He can do no wrong in her eyes and she makes sure everyone knows it. If only she knew the Henry we know!!

Anyway, Iron Menace was chefs kiss! Chooch’s 351st credit!

Also, it’s this babe’s 100th bday and she is riding gloriously like a young lady!

Still pouting lol.

(2:45pm) LOL HE WONT EVEN SIT NEAR US ON THE TRAIN.

(3:09pm) FORGOT HOW TERRIFYING THIS IS.

(3:28pm) Slowest log flume ops.

(5:32pm) We just pulled out of Dorney so I will do little recaps here and there on the 4.5 hour drive home (ugh) but wow what a nice day except for when Henry threw his little bitch fest earlier over lunch. He’s sort of ok now.

Look at this cute shirt I bought!!!! I was going to get a Steel Force shirt but then I saw this and had to snatch it because CLOWN LOVE.

(5:44pm) At Trivet Diner whatever that means. Our server is very nice so far and is sorry that they don’t have almond milk for the cold brew that I am about to regret ordering.

Also our server likes my sunglasses and the cold brew is good so this is going well :)

Better than listening to Chooch recount all the times I acted like a baby in Stockholm. Ugh. When I pointed out that it was because he ruined my life because I wanted to go to the Vasa museum but we went to the Viking museum instead, he put on this really slow, drawl of condescension and said, “And we could have gone there too. You looked in and suddenly you said we couldn’t go because you wanted to eat instead, so then we had to go and eat. Remember.”

Um wait. Hahah hold up now hunny. What now?!

(6:26pm) one of the servers called over another server when I was paying because she wanted her (Crystal apparently) to see my phone case and Chooch mumbled “wow are you happy now, it’s all you ever wanted.”

We just left and I’m lamenting that I didn’t leave a big enough tip (more than 25%) and Henry and Chooch yelled in tandem, “it was plenty!” I’m sorry but NORA was NICE.

(6:42pm) At Sheetz and the power went out! A bad storm is on the horizon and I’m lowkey terrified because we’re going to be driving into it. :/

Here are some dreamy pictures from Dorney <3 the only slight downside was the ops on talon. Literal station wait yet it took us so long to get on and sent that Henry looked like he forgot who we were when we rejoined him. Also on the way there, a guy running one of the games kept yelling “Win your mom a prize! Hey, win your mom a prize! Where are you going?! Your mom wants a prize!” And then to the two boys behind us, “Hey win that kid’s mom a prize.” Lol.

Ok thoughts – loved it in the back/middle. Did NOT love it second row/last seat on right. I felt like a rag doll in a bad way. But overall what a great addition. I love the industrial makeover that whole section of the park got.

Steel Force Club Forever!! Chooch ride it two back-to-back times before we left. The second time, there was barely anyone waiting in the station so we just jumped up a few rows. The guy who got in behind us was like “Ooh you guys skipped the line! I saw what you did! Don’t worry I won’t tell” and then to Chooch he said “Your mom cracked the code!” But it was totally Chooch who chose to do this after seeing another girl do it on the first ride we were on that round. I remember the last time we were there in 2019, it was similar low crowds and we asked if we could stay on and the line attendant was like NO U HAVE TO GET BACK IN LINE and it was RIDIC because they were sending trains with like four people in them.

Anyway. Steel Force is so good. After we ride it the first time today, we did go all the way around and got back in line, only to get on a train and then have the ride attendants yell EVERYONE OUT because someone puked. The ride op in his little hut yelled AGAIN?? into his microphone because it had legit JUST happened before we rode the first time and we had to wait for them to clean it and send it empty. But yeah, happened again less than 10 minutes later! This time they had to wait for more cleaning supplies so they asked everyone to leave the line.

The real question: WAS IT THE SAME PERSON.

There was a ride attendant named OMAR on Talon and he was nice but slow AF and everyone was like OMAR! when our train was on the brake run while the slow-ass ops were preparing to send the train in the station. Omar seemed like he liked the attention but I don’t think the kids calling for him had good intentions.

Chooch hating life.

Telling me I can have some of his dippin dots if I could find a spoon on the ground because he’d rather a dirty floor-spoon go into his dippin dots than one that had already previously been in my mouth how sweet.

I love the color palette of the enterprise!!! Also I miss the enterprise at Kennywood and hate the replacement they put in.

Somehow we missed the kiddie cred in 2019. This was one of the most jerky/janky kids coasters I’ve ever ridden. I hated it lol.

There was almost someone who puked on the Tilt a Whirl too and that someone was me lol. Whoooo this was a doozy on a hot-ass day. Look at creepster Henry on the wall.

(8:42pm) Ugh Henry is making me drive. BRB.

(10:10pm) UGHHHHH at a rest stop finally – it was / is raining so hard with lighting everywhere and I was silently screaming as I white-knuckled the steering wheel, trying not to hydroplane on the fucking turnpike, while Henry relaxed in the passenger seat. I hate him. Now he’s inside the rest stop probably treating himself to some snacks from 7-eleven fucking asshole.

Also I wish our 7-elevens were like Asian ones and were actually fun to stop at.

I’m publishing this now because my muscles hurt from being clenched for the last hour and I want to do some calming breathing exercises or something (sometimes I miss my smoking years because this would be one of those CALLS FOR A CAMEL moments of yesteryear) but maybe I’ll stop back with one or two more updates, who knows.

(11:19pm) just checking in to say we passed through the Squirrel Hill tunnel and I want everyone to know that Henry got to drive the last leg home in perfectly dry weather MUST BE NICE.

It was a real crapshoot but I had the grand gesture of “taking” Henry to King’s Island for Father’s Day, if by “taking him” meant that we all woke up at 6am and made him drive the nearly 4 hours to Mason, Ohio on a piping hot 90 degree day in June. To be fair, Chooch and I swore that we would help drive home but, SPOILER, Henry was in HERO MODE and refused to give up the driver’s seat, fucking bitch boy martyr that he is.

Anyway, we got there an hour after the park opened. The sun was already blistering with nary a cloud in the sky for even the slightest cover of shade, but!! The park was blessedly empty. I mean, nearly every coaster was a station wait. (I texted this to Christina who lives near King’s Island and they were like, “Does that mean it’s not crowded?” YES, YES, THAT IS WHAT THAT MEANS.)

We had as close to a perfect day as possible, really. The only thing that would have made it better would have been if it were 20 degrees cooler, but other than that – absolutely no complaints. No fights. No arguing. No annoying people. No bad ride ops. For as sickening hot as it was, everyone seemed to be in good spirits, right down to the ride operators who were super personable and speedy with the dispatches while also reminding us to stay hydrated.

Henry was sighted here!

On the real though, we have never had to wait very long for The Beast any time we have been to King’s Island, so it wasn’t too shocking to be able to walk right up to the station. The Beast, and the new family boomerang, was the main reason I was so pushy about returning to KI this year. The Beast was recently retracked (just in parts, I believe) and Chooch needed that new boomerang cred.

The first time we rode it that day, I will be honest here: My impression was, “Wow, was that kind of not that great, or am I just spoiled now?” The Beast used to be one of my fave woodies! And I still had fun, don’t get me wrong, but it just didn’t feel as wild and chaotic? We were sitting in the front row of the last car, if you care about stuff like that.

Later though, Chooch and I went back on, this time in the middle row of the last car, and I have to say, it was A LOT more fun that time. I hesitate to say that it had “warmed up,” because it was like 90 degrees that day, and should have been HAULIN’ no matter what. But the second time? DEFINITELY HAULIN’! I kept saying that over and over again too because I wanted to feel like a coaster d00d, man.

Idiot Family.

When we were in line for the Soap Box Racer boomerang, Chooch me some kid’s Instagram from his class where he posted a clip of the LIVE STREAM OF COMMENCEMENT which I didn’t even know was a thing, so hooray knowing that viewers at home got to witness this:

It’s so jarring, even though I’m expecting it, to see Chooch come shooting into the frame. Maybe I was dehydrated and brain-burnt from the sun, but for some reason, this made me LOSE MY MIND in line, and I could NOT stop laughing. To the point where I had to do a modified pee squat to keep from pissing myself. Of course this was the ONLY coaster where we actually had to stand in line (granted, only 10 minutes) because it’s brand new from this season so everyone flocked to it.

This coaster was really cute and what a great fit for Camp Snoopy! I would have been stoked to ride something like this as a kid – who am I kidding, I probably would have been too scared to, who knows.

Blue ice cream is A MUST at King’s Island. What flavor even is it?? Berry, I guess? It’s so satisfying.

I started eating it / catching the drips with my big mouth before I remembered to take an obligatory selfie with it. I’m losing it, you guys. The boxes aren’t being ticked.

We sort of let him eat this in peace.

Boo Blasters was a walk-on and let’s be real, we only rode it to get out of the heat.

Adventure Express is actually my favorite ride at King’s Island LOL. It’s the best mine train that I have ridden in America, to be honest, and they recently rethemed it a bit and it’s so good, just so so so good. Henry is usually a poo-pooer of Adventure Express but suddenly he now says that it’s, “Not bad.” I forgot how unexpectantly aggressive it is and was screaming my face off the whole time.

Also, it was around this point that my stomach was starting to cramp from probably a combo of the ice cream and extreme heat. We rode Banshee after this and 1. I forgot how insane and intense this B&M invert is; 2. the ride op stapled me and I have never before had such an unpleasant experience with vest restraints, 3. my stomach was in so much pain.

I guess that’s the trade-off – everything was practically a walk-on but because of that, our bodies weren’t really getting enough time to readjust and reset in between each coaster which probably wouldn’t have been so bad if not for the whole “surface of the sun” heat advisory that day.

Not pictured, but we also rode The Bat, Orion, Mystic Timbers, and Diamondback up to this point.

Me: I want to get photos of the new themed area.

Also Me: I’m so hot, what was I doing again?

Racer was retracked, but only partially, and I felt like the old tracked portion was bad enough to keep my opinions of this coaster low. Also, I rode by myself on the left side, and Chooch chose to ride with HENRY on the right side, and then they WON. Ugh. BUT I beat them out of the exit so technically you could say *I* won.

The return part of the Racer was actually decent though. If they retracked the whole thing, it would be so re-ridable.

After our second ride on Orion, where some trashy broad was SO APPALLED that the line attendant made her stand off to the side and wait because the rest of her group wasn’t there yet and she was crying because “now look how many people are waiting for the front row!” and the Orion crew member was like, “Too bad, I can’t let you go until your whole group is here.” She did the whole THROAT SOUND TO INDICATE DISGUST AND DISBELIEF IN THE KEY OF KAREN and then started to call someone on the phone to see where they were in line, so presumably that person/people was just going to line-jump their way straight up the station, who even knows. I fucking hate entitled people so much. We all paid to be there, now stand in line and STFU! Also, there were hardly any lines to stand in anyway so why didn’t she just wait until her whole party was ready to get in line at the same time!!??

That was the only weirdness we encountered all day, and it didn’t affect us so whatever.

Taking a break after our second ride on Orion.

Literally just fighting to stay hydrated all day.

Backlot Stunt Coaster! We’ve ridden all three of these around various Cedar Fair Parks, but the one in King’s Island is the best. The one in King’s Dominion doesn’t have any of its effects working anymore, and I think Canada’s Wonderland was the same. This ride is so much fun though.

Also, Chooch decided that he doesn’t care for any coasters that don’t have a launch. Cool. But did we ask.

LOL the last thing we did that day was ride White Water Canyon, the rapids ride, and we got DUMPED ON. The crew also can control the geysers so the kid working in one of the booths downright unleashed on us and we were like drowned rats by the end. Not gonna lie, it felt fucking great in the moment but it was a really uncomfortable walk back to the car after that.

Henry and his uniform of Oversized Shirt and Cargo Shorts.

LOL I just realized that one of the kids in the background had run ahead of us when the gates for the train were finally opened, allowing us to enter the line for the rapids and then he was sooooo distraught because his dad was like, “Fuck no, I’m not running” so the kid kept stopping and yelling, “DAD! COME ON!!!” and then eventually had to admit defeat and let us and everyone else pass him because Dad wasn’t playing the Line Jumping Game. GOOD GUY.

Having ridden everything we wanted, and not wanting to end up in the hospital with heat stroke, we left the park at 4PM. Plus, we (we lol) had a 4 hour drive ahead of us. Lest you think that the day was 100% perfect, I am here to tell you that all bets were off as soon as we left the park and that’s when the HANGER set in bigly and we ended up arguing so bad over where and what to eat and ended up at a truck stop where Henry got two slices of Sbarro for him and me, and Chooch wanted biscuits and mashed potatoes at Popeyes.

It was a terrible, miserable, hateful dinner but hey, at least we had one of the best amusement park days ever beforehand! I’m just going to go ahead and say that King’s Island is my fave Cedar Fair park (I haven’t been to any of the ones past Michigan’s Adventure though).

Not even going to pretend that I have much to say about Day 2 at Cedar Point. While it wasn’t as crowded as Saturday, it made up for that in degrees because it was hot AF. I actually got a mild sunburn.

Chooch and his CP Crew – we saw them randomly throughout the day and he actually acknowledged us so that was nice of him. I will say that all of his friends are very polite and will actually converse with us even though we are old and lame.

Some things I want to remember, in bullets:

• The delectable cookies we had both days from whatever the bakery is called – you’d think I’d know since we hit them up for cookies on every trip. Their snickerdoodles are exceptional but holy hot damn sizzling in a skillet, the lemon crinkle cookie was so goddamn good that to this day (a whole week and a half later lol), I am pissed that we only bought one and shared it. But these cookies were our saviors on Saturday when all the food lines were outrageously long and I was about to launch into a hunger fit.
• I forgot to mention but speaking of Saturday, I got pizza from Hugh’s once the line was no longer OUT THE DOOR AND DOWN MAIN STREET. And I will say, it was a pretty good slab of cheese pizza – Detroit-style I guess? Is that when it’s thick and square? It was good. Was it $16.99 for a slice and 2 breadsticks good? Um, no. That pizza better come with a photocard and poster, at that price. Or at least a toupee of black olives.

• We rode SteVe first thing on Sunday when the line was only about 30 minutes and then I proceeded to see people from that line all day long. Anyway, backseat as usual (I always request it with prayer hands and the station attendant will usually ALWAYS cave) and it was such a refreshing way to fully wake up. SteVe still reigns supreme in my book.
• Maverick was broken down every time we walked by so our streak of “leaving CP with 0 Maverick rides” continues. So mothercheffing frustrating. CP in general is but you gotta enter with low expectations so that you’re only BASIC LEVELS OF PISSED OFF by the time you leave, and not POSTAL-LEVELS OF PISSED OFF.
• Got a good backrow ride on Millie.

• I was a sweaty mess all day but I wore my STRAY KIDS concert shirt so that was nice of me.

• A big lowlight was, at 3:30, when Henry decided he wanted to walk to the car to put on sun screen and then realized he forgot to check where we parked and we roamed around the parking lot FOR THIRTY FUCKING MINUTES. Of course this happened right when our – whatever package thingie that came with the car – lapsed and Henry hasn’t renewed the annual membership so we can’t do things like remote start from the app, and I dunno, USE THE FIND MY CAR FEATURE. Impeccable timing! Then, I found the car because unlike Henry who kept walking in the same square of the lot over and over like a Roomba unable to break free of its programmed constraints, I ventured to another section. However, Hank the Yokel REFUSED to answer his phone which sent me into a fit of rage and I wanted to break shit so badly. Henry claims that this situation didn’t warrant the level of hostility in my texts to him, but DON’T TELL ME HOW TO REACT, CIS WHITE MAN.

^^^ Sorry if you thought I was an angel but this is The Real Erin. ;D

• We waited for Raptor in a 45-minute line behind three super boisterous young women, one of whom spoke openly about WHEN SHE WAS IN PRISON and then got in her black friend’s face at one point and repeatedly screamed IS IT BECAUSE I’M WHITE?? Then she wanted a hair tie to toss onto the roof of the Raptor building so her friend turned around and asked me if I had one and I DID – it was on my wrist – but I said, “Yes, but I need it” so then she asked the girl behind me or actually took hers out of her hair and handed it over?! I’m sorry, but I’m not giving some broad my hair thing just so she can shoot it onto a roof?! Also, two people cut in front of them when they weren’t paying attention and I’m really sad about that because I am positive there would have been a confrontation and I’d have LOVED to see it. Anyway, Raptor is great and I scream-laughed the whole way through it.
• But the ride that made me laugh the hardest that day was MAGNUM. Henry hates this coaster so much and kept trying to get out of riding it. In fact, he was so happy to see that it was down when we went to that area for soft pretzels, but then! The line opened right after we finished our pretzels and he was like, “GODDAMMIT. FINE.” We made it all the way to the station and got in line for the first row of the last car. He was not pleased at how fast this was progressing. One of my favorite parts of the Magnum experience is how the ride ops know that this is such a contentious coaster – it is super hated while also having a universal, rabid fan base – so their send-offs are usually monotone and sarcastic (I  think this time they mumbled something about enjoying the airtime over the triangle hills). I dunno, maybe it’s just me and my constant desire to belong to something but it makes me feel like I’m part of an inside joke?! Anyway, this was a major highlight of the weekend because I had such an insane giggle fit on this while Henry kept chanting, “SQUARE WHEELS. SQUARE WHEELS.” He hates this coaster so much and honestly that probably just makes me like it more. Back on the brake run, the guy behind me gushed, “That actually was the smoothest ride I’ve had on this – that wasn’t bad AT ALL” and I whipped around in my seat to pant, “I WAS JUST SAYING THE SAME THING BUT HE *thumbs Henry* DISAGREED.” It was a beautiful moment. Amusement parks bring out the extroverted side of me that has been bashed repeatedly over the head with a frying pan and put in the corner.

Well, I think that’s all. If I think of anything else (like the smoothie bowl I had for breakfast from some local juice place that was absolutely delicious), I will come back and update this for the future no-eyeballs to gaze upon.

Remember when I got married in Korea?

Sorry, it’s just that I realized I didn’t mention Korea at all in this whole post, god forbid.

As previously referenced, we spent last weekend at Cedar Point with Chooch and two of his friends – Zakk and Ben. It was Ben’s first time at CP and I’m sad to say it wasn’t the greatest inaugural experience because it was just a bad weekend to go, not that any weekend is great at Cedar Point, but this was one of the worst we’ve ever experienced. Sunday wasn’t TOO bad but Saturday was extremely crowded, like 2+ hour wait times for most of the coasters, and food lines not much better.

The vegan place is gone (I think it was actually taken out last year TBH), Melt is gone, the area that usually has a fleet of food trucks was barren. And one of the food trucks was my go-to because they had the BEST veggie burger, like it was actually homemade and full of nutritional goodness and not just a Beyond Burger out of the package. And on top of that, not all of the food places were open, making the lines extra line for the places that were open.

The one good thing about Saturday was that the weather was really mild and cool, actually kind of chilly at times. I never took my little jacket thing off all day.

Top Thrill 2 was closed indefinitely for maintenance after only a week of being open and I truly was not sad about that. I hate-hate-hated the OG and while I will give its reincarnation at least one try, I am not expecting to love it. I am a wuss with stratacoasters :( However!! The TT2 commemorative beer (I think on IG I called it TT2’s namesake beer which is like, reversed, but I didn’t care enough to go back and change it because who even cares about social media anymore – millions of content creators, I guess, LOL) and it was actually very good. I mean, it was a lemon shandy, so I’m sure my review would be a lot different if it was an IPA or whatever. But it was nice to relax on a bench across from the Ferris wheel and sip on this big boy instead of standing in a 2 hour long line for something – EVEN THE CAROUSEL HAD A HUGE-ASS LINE.

Cedar Lane Downs was a short wait. With the crowds being so bad (there were a TON of school bands there), we rode mostly flat rides all day (when we were riding anything at all, we mostly just walked around aimlessly and I kept saying I’M BORED THIS IS BORING like the brat that I am). I dunno what Chooch and his friends were doing. Waiting 2 hours to ride Maverick, I guess.

I *think* the only coaster we rode on Day 1 were Corkscrew (when we first arrived, the wait was 30 minutes which is about 29 minutes too much to wait for Corkscrew but it would end up being the shortest wait for a coaster all day and it was also somehow Henry’s first time riding it – we sat in the front and I kept saying, “This is less awful than I remembered it to be!” while Henry was screaming, “THIS SUCKS! OW MY BACK!” Lol.), Gatekeeper, and Wild Mouse.

It was just such a bad scene.

Ugh.

I LOVE CALYPSO so much so here are some photos of that – also the ride attendant’s shoe was untied and it was bothering me.

Yay. Calypso.

I wish Kennywood still had this ride! No one believes me when I saw that we used to have one there! BUT WE DID. In the 80s!

Honestly, the new-for-2023 Boardwalk area is the BEST part of Cedar Point IMO. I could spend all day here – and we almost did.

I love that they play lots of beach-y music in this section too! Like a lot of good 80s jams and some surf rock too. It’s a real magical spot and made me less hateful every time we were in the area.

Then we left the park for a bit and walked along the beach trail which is something I always wanted to do!!

Blankets of fog rolled in pretty consistently all day and obscured the tops of lots of rides, like Windseeker here (you will never catch me on these types of swings btw. NO THANK YOU.)

More beer! I couldn’t finish even half of this. It was just a Summer Shandy which I can handle (it was the first ‘beer’ I was able to fully drink thanks to the recommendation from one of my ex-bosses so I always think of her when I drink these which isn’t often) but I already had half of that other beer earlier and I just CANNOT drink that much. Still, it was fun sitting in this little cabana thing and watching all the crazy-asses playing on the beach when it was only about 60 degrees out.

Ugh.

The only other notable thing that happened was in line for Gatekeeper. It was close to an hour long wait, which, whatever, but what makes these waits even worse than they already are is when you have people wantonly linejumping, no shits to give, complete lack of self-consciousness. I could never in a million years imagine myself doing this.

Anyway, three kids – maybe 15 or 16? maybe younger? – were frantically summoning their friend SAM over to them. Of course these kids were several groups ahead of us so this affected me directly when SAM finally caved to peer pressure and cut under some empty switchbacks to join them, skipping over about 30 people in the process without most of them even noticing. I glared at all 4 of them for some time and they knew I was glaring so they purposely averted their gaze until I eventually lost interested.

Then a little while later, the boy who I imagine was the RINGLEADER left the line. I thought he found another group of friends further up where the line splits into two and you have to choose which side of the station you want to be on. He legit ducked under the queue rail and walked THROUGH THE LANDSCAPING toward that part of the line and I was like “WOW HE REALLY JUST SHAVED OFF ABOUT 45 MINUTES OF HIS WAIT TIME” and I was pretty pissed at the entitlement.

Well, it turned out he had actually left the line to go to the bathroom because he eventually came back and rejoined his friends. However, some total Karen busted him and started yelling about how she was going to call security (at first I thought she said his supervisor and I was like how does she know who is supervisor is, is this kid even old enough to have a job) and that SHE IS SICK OF IT. I made eye contact with her and said, “Yeah.” Then I started laughing because she looked the part FOR SURE but also looked like if one of my old bosses was on the verge of heat stroke (the one who first told me about Leinenkugel’s’ Summer Shandy way back in 2010 actually!) and this checks out because I could totally picture her calling security while in line for a roller coaster.

So then the kids got REALLY PARANOID and were like, nervously chuckling amongst each other but you could see the fear in their eyes.

20 or so minutes later, we had finally made it to the aforementioned “split” in the line. This is also where the Fast Lane merges with the regular lane, so there is always a line attendant there. Two young men in SECURITY attire came up the Fast Lane, said some words to the line attendant, right when THE KIDS were the next in line to continue on once the Fast Lane people were let through. The way these kids looked like they were shitting themselves was hilarious! But then security walked past them and  ventured into the bowels of the line, so I didn’t think anything of it.

Approx. 2 minutes later, we were now standing on the steps that lead up the station, the group of kids still ahead of us, when the security guys came BACK and summoned them out of the line! They must have found Heat Stroke Karen and I’m SURE she had a picture of the kids to show security in complete the full NARC circle.

So, the kids got pulled out line and they were all like, “he had to go to the bathroom!” and in the end, security made the bathroom kid leave the line but let the OTHER THREE BACK IN when SAM IS THE ONE WHO ACTUALLY LINE-JUMPED?!!? I felt fully invested in this since I had been in line with these dumbasses the whole time and actually, I can’t believe I’m saying this, FELT BAD for the kid who got ratted on because yes he fucking cut but he truly WAS in line from the beginning.

And also, WOW those three are shitty friends especially SAM the TRUE line jumper.

So that was something. Six Flags Great Adventure is the only other park where I actually saw people get called out by line attendants and thrown out of line. (Green Lantern specifically – there was a guy standing in the station watching the queue below and he would call linejumpers out over the speaker. It was amazing. I would BE SO GOOD AT THAT JOB!!)

Anyway, Henry and I got in line for Maverick at 7:30, 30 minutes before the park closed. OF FUCKING COURSE it broke down while we were in line, but while we were in it, we saw security escorting out a dad and his kid and then right after that, we came around a switchback and I saw HEAT STROKE KAREN – coincidence?!?!

Also, the kids from the Gatekeeper were in this line with us and HSK, which made me feel nostalgic in some weird way?! Then a bunch of grown-ass adults cut the whole entire line in order to join the rest of their family in front of us and I was so pissed. I think it actually is worse when ADULTS do this. Kids are fucking stupid and it’s not an excuse but their brains are underdeveloped and whatever, who cares, kids suck. But when you see FUCKING ADULTS doing this, like they are so goddamned entitled, it makes me more mad. I started mouthing off about them to Henry and they knew I was talking about them so they all avoided eye contact with me but unlike HSK, I’m not about to cause a scene because I have seen enough videos of actual brawls erupting over shit like this and I’m not trying to get a tooth knocked – or worse, being an unwitting star of a viral TikTok video where I guarantee I will look like the BAD GUY / KAREN, so like 99% of line-standers, I dealt with it.

Then Chooch texted because it was after 8 and the park was technically closed so he and his friends were waiting outside of the entrance for us. Henry and I left the line WITH PLEASURE. Maverick is actually so damn frustrating. Of all the times we’ve been to Cedar Point I think I have only ridden it twice. It breaks down constantly and just perpetually has a ridiculous line.

The day was super frustrating but how mad can you be when the park has views like this??

Afterward, we checked into that same weird-ass motel thing that we stayed at two years ago and then went to Dianna’s for a late dinner and dessert! I love this fucking crazy family restaurant. Part of the neon sign outside the door was broken and zapping perilously, so that was scary.

We walked inside and Ben breathed it in and said, “This is America.”

We sat at separate tables – Chooch and his friends got the same waitress we had the last time (I would never forget her!) and Henry and I had a waitress with a face tattoo. There was an old couple sitting across from us that were talking some straight nonsense – I guess the lady part of the couple works at Cedar Point because she was wearing an employee sweatshirt. She looked like if my coaster friend Pam was about 20 years older with a gray mullet.

A very interesting end to a strange day at Cedar Point. Oh and did I mention that Sandusky was in the throes of a mayfly infestation? It was so bad that the outside patio of the Grand Pavilion cafe in the boardwalk area was closed off because the tables were COVERED in them, literally like they were wearing tarps made of mayflies. It was so gross. This was definitely one of the worst days I’ve ever had at the park.

Look, you had to know that we would find a way to incorporate roller coasters into Mission: Marriage. We had only been to two amusement parks in Korea on our past trips, so we had a handful of others to choose from this time. I had my eye on Gyeongju World because they have a B&M invert and that’s my jam. And then once I started researching Gyeongju in general, it was a done deal.

We arrived right around the time it opened for the day on Friday, along with fleets of buses carting in hordes of school kids. But, unlike AMERICA, this didn’t present a problem. I thought for sure we’d spend all day standing in outrageous lines, but….where did all the kids go!? So bizarre. A mystery.

I actually don’t have all that much to say about this park because while it’s a decent size, there just wasn’t too much going on ride-wise. The dive coaster was down for maintenance (we did know this ahead of time so it wasn’t a surprise) but it didn’t bother us too much because it’s a clone of Griffon at Busch Gardens Williamsburg. I’m not the biggest dive coaster buff anyway.

But, anticipating long lines, we speed-walked over to Phaethon, the B&M invert. (I would say that as far as steel coasters go, inverts are my #2 after hypers, and B&M is definitely the top dawg in these categories. Just in case you cared.)

Totally stoked!

Anyway, as luck would have it, the line WAS NOT LONG. We did have to wait for about 10 minutes for the ride to officially open, and then after that it was probably another 10 minutes before we got on because it was running one train and Korea is notorious for slow ops. It’s kind of weird because for a balli balli balli (fast fast fast) society, their theme parks definitely run on a different speed. At least in my experience, having visited three of them now!

Another fun thing to note – Korean teenagers are VERY hyperbolic and dramatic on amusement park rides. It’s actually one of my favorite parts of the experience, hearing them scream OMMA (MOM)! and WE’RE GOING TO DIE and just generally acting like they have been forced onto this as punishment. It’s hilarious and entertaining!

Overall? I loved Phaethon! A solid B&M invert. Apparently, the layout is similar to Raptor at Cedar Point and I LOVE RAPTOR so it makes sense that this was so much fun for me. Henry was like, “It was a little rough” and to that I say, “You LOOK a little rough, STFU.”

A solid first coaster of 2024! Which I fear is going to be a bad year for us as far as coasters go what with all this college preparation, graduation partying, Kpop concerts, etc. :(

OMG then Chooch and I rode Valkyrie, a Gerstlauer shuttle coaster and the first one of its kind that we have ever experienced. I would have to say that I prefer this over the deluge of family boomerangs that we have been seeing going in parks all over the world! I was PLEASANTLY surprised. It felt like a longer ride cycle too than the boomerangs.

Do you know what my favorite part of this ride was? When we were standing in line (roughly a 20 minute wait), the kids in front of us saw one of their buddies walking past the ride and they began to furiously call him over. I was like, “Oh boy, here we go, happens in every country, the line-jumping epidemic.”

BUT YOU GUYS. Do you know what happened? They LEFT THEIR SPOT and met him at THE BACK OF THE LINE. I couldn’t believe it. Such consideration!!

Yeah, I really enjoyed this. Kennywood should get one! This is such a good family steel coaster and is something that Kennywood lacks, so I think this would be a really great fit for that park. I could even see it going in the Kiddieland section. Why not.

GW’s theming was so adorable actually.

Also? Super clean restrooms. No surprise there.

My only complaint, and we weren’t really looking TOO hard, was that there wasn’t much food available for vegetarians and I’m going to wager probably nothing for vegans. They have a Mom’s Touch and I’m pretty sure they have vegan chicken there now, but the one in Gyeongju World has a very limited menu.

Chooch made me ride this and it was quite terrible. It didn’t totally take me out but I also had trouble walking in a straight line for a while afterward.

FIERCE.

While we were in this funhouse, parts of it began powering down, lol. It was literally like a fuse was blown halfway through. Definitely not on par with the European funhouses that spoiled us, but moreso on an American county fair level. Definitely accumulated bruises in various iterations of this at the Big Butler Fair.

It’s a photo zone, yo.

I made them ride the train because by this point, we were running out of things to do.

Lots of unnecessary train selfies. Choo choo, motherconductors. (OMG SHOULD THIS BE MY SIGN-OFF??? Maybe I’ll ask group chat what they think next week, although I think I’ve been getting on their nerves lately lol. Yesterday, SPEAKING OF COUNTY FAIRS, I told them about the time I was in a LOVE TRIANGLE at the Big Butler Fair and they were like “….ok.” I would have just given them the link to my blog post but apparently my blog is now blocked at work because of MALICIOUS CONTENT but also I thought I was getting fired recently over an UNAUTHORIZED BROWSER issue which is a whole other story that still keeps me up at night, so maybe these two things are correlated and I’m being WATCHED now, I don’t know.)

You guys, while we were on the train, we passed a field that had RMC raptor track laying in it!! So, there was already a rumor that GW is potentially getting an RMC raptor next year for their….50th??…anniversary, but it was still really exciting to SEE THE TRACK IN REAL LIFE and confirm that yes, the rumors are true!! Actually, several weeks after this, RMCD (Rollercoaster Database) added it as a TBD project by RMC at Gyeongju World, so now it’s also on the wiki page for GW. And we saw it!

You knew it was coming….

If a park has a carousel….

Bitch, it’s #carouselfie time!!

It was a cute carousel! I have some video which will be included at the end of my LAST GYEONGJU POST. Yes, just one more after this and then we go back to Seoul!

We really only stayed here for about 3 hours, got our coaster creds (just 2), rode the carousel, and bought a shit ton of merch because their gift shop was pretty cray. They sadly didn’t have any t-shirts, but TONS of other GW-themed items (I actually had a hard time choosing which magnet I wanted, there were so many cute ones!) and actually a lot of really cute Gyeongju souvenirs in general.

“Oh great, more glass,” Chooch muttered as I scooped up a tiny glass Gyeongju coffee cup and also a set of 4 TENNIS-THEMED JUICE CUPS that were on sale for W9,900 so like, $7!!!! They are so freaking cute too!!!

After we left the park, we walked back to the WRONG BUS STOP from the day before, because the area where they’re holding the RMC track was right past that.

Ahhhhh!!! Korea’s FIRST RMC!!! This is so exciting! I already was sold on revisiting Gyeongju in the future, but now I’m definitely going to have to come back and scratch this RMC off my list! (I don’t count coasters, just RMCs lol.)

Dude, pre-2018 I never would have given a shit if we stumbled upon TBD coaster track out in the wild, but present day Erin was dorking out over it pretty heavily.

Anyway, after this, we walked back to the park entrance-ish and waited for our Kakao Taxi to take us back to the tumuli area of Gyeongju so we could lunch it up, buy some last minute things, eyeball the burial mounds one last time before we had to catch our 4:50pm train back to Seoul – you know, Gyeongju thangs.