Omnis, Carrie Brady Hair, and Broken To-Go Containers

 nostalgia
May 262023
 

Every month or so, I go out to dinner with some recently-retired ladies from work which has been really nice because I am a huge fan of keeping in touch with people. Some might say slightly obsessive and unwilling to let go, but you know, I’m just being me over here.

Anyway, Marlene chose Rico’s for our most recent dinner and I was cracking up because way back when I was dating Psycho Mike, my grandma gave me a gift certificate to Rico’s because it was given to her before my Pappap died and they never got around to using it. She said she had no use for it and wanted us to have it. If she knew what a piece of shit Mike was, I’m sure she would have been like, “Why don’t you and Christy go and have a nice BFF dinner at Rico’s and leave your abusive boyfriend at home to cry about it?”

The gift certificate was the PAPER KIND IN AN ENVELOPE! That was how long ago this was. Sigh.

We decided to go there for our shitty one-year anniversary, so this must have been 1997, the fall after senior year (or, you know, freshman year of college for those who weren’t high school drop-outs lolololol ugh).

Yes, the pencil-thin eyebrows align with the date, lol. This was also when I had a Carrie Brady-from-DAYS hairstyle, literally pulled out pages from Soap Opera Digest to take to the salon.

“Give me the Carrie Brady but make it puffy,” is apparently what I requested.

I also remember buying that shirt at Contempo (RIP to my FAVE STORE) specifically for this stupid date. I do not remember what I ordered (I was a vegetarian already so probably plain-ass pasta), if I liked it, what Mike ordered – all that has stuck in my mind for all these years is the fact that I supposedly knew this was an establishment with valet parking and PURPOSELY didn’t tell Mike so that he would be HUMILIATED when we rolled up in his beat-up silver Omni circa 198-something.

That definitely set the tone. I’m sure it was a wonderful drive home that night, his anger brewing all throughout dinner like a strong pot of vitriol, providing him with LOTS of energy to remind me over and over how much of a STUPID BITCH I am.

Um, yeah anyway. My Rico’s Replay was much better! Better company for sure. Jill joined us this time and it is always really nice to see work friends “outside of work” and by that I mean in actual real life.

Being a vegetarian, “upscale” restaurants always fall flat with me because I have nothing to judge it on other than pasta. My only option was the angel hair in a cream sauce. It was good! Was it $27 good? Um…no lol.

I was the youngest person in that whole place though, that’s for sure. I’m sure it was super uncouth of me to take a picture of food but I don’t think anyone was looking and also, who cares?

The only negative part of the evening was that our server was an asshole. I rarely complain about these things because I have a ton of respect for people in the service industry. I know that it’s hard ass work and customers can be such dicks. But this older woman server was just not nice. Even apart from the fact that she was extremely inattentive, she was just very rude and cure. I was watching her interact with other tables, clearly occupied by “regulars,” and she was like a completely different person with them.

When I asked for a box, she brought me a plastic container that was cracked all the way down one side! I didn’t notice until after I put my leftovers in it. I called her back over and asked if I could have a new one and at first, it was like she wanted to argue that there was nothing wrong with it. She actually picked it up to inspect it like she didn’t believe me?! And then she said, WITH WHAT SOUNDED LIKE EXASPERATION, “Oh. I didn’t know it was like that” and stormed off to get me a new one. She could have just said, “Sorry about that” but somehow, she made me feel like it was my fault! Like what she wanted to say was, “It wasn’t like that when I gave it to you.”

I am clearly still fixating on this.

Anyway, I don’t care how much rich old people like Rico’s. I doubt I will ever be back. NOT EVEN IF SOMEONE’S GRANDMA GIVES ME A $100 GIFT CERTIFICATE.

dragging glenn thru the icing

 nostalgia
May 112023
 

I have been putting this off all week because the sadness of Lauren’s law firm departure has really hit me, but we had a really nice, heartwarming, hilarious, bittersweet, super fun send-off for her at my house on Saturday. I know I am going to start ugly crying if I look at the pictures of all of us KLG idiots so I think instead I’ll do a GLENN prelude.

You fucking know I can’t pass up any opportunity to drag Glenn’s face through the mud, or in this case, the icing.  Let’s back up – the original intent of my house party was to celebrate Lauren’s time at the law firm with some delicioso Bethel Bakery cake. (The post-Cinco de Mayo fiesta aspect was quickly appended by Nate.)

I take my cake ordering VERY SRSLY. I KNEW it had to have a Glenn on it. I fucking knew it did. So when I started to design a picture of him crying with also a sobbing Law Firm looming over his shoulder, I started to wonder how to fill up the empty space on the other side of him. And it came to me: A JABBER GROUP CHAT! I started to sketch out a crude rendition in Photoshop but then thought – wait, what if I got the group chat to coordinate a string of GOODBYES/WELL WISHES/ETC for Lauren, and I could screenshot it for the cake?

Yeah, what if?!?! I’ll never know because these instructions were apparently Calc-level confusing. One of the people immediately needed to be contrary and difficult by saying, “we could do an e-card? so everyone can sign?”

WHAT DO YOU THINK I WAS AIMING FOR HERE?? LITERALLY THE WHOLE POINT WAS THAT THIS WAS BASICALLY LIKE SIGNING A CARD BUT BETTER. :(

It got worse from there and some of my friends were privately messaging me, telling me to breathe and that I was doing a good job. It just really bummed me out that something that made so much sense in my dumb rock-filled head wasn’t coming to fruition. In the end, I started to single certain people out and having them just Jabber their Lauren-ment directly in our own private chat windows, at which point, I snagged each individual message and layered it around the Glenn image.

I can’t make people want to be a part of things. I have to realize this. But every time, it’s like being in high school and yelling at people who were assigned to work with me on group projects because WHY CAN’T YOU SEE MY VISIONNNNNN?!?!?

Breathe. You’re doing a good job, Erin.

(Honestly, Nate and Wendi were my heroes that day.)

Honestly? It actually fucking worked out! You can’t tell from this picture (and I’m not going to post the actual jpg because it literally has everyone’s first and last names on it and I’m really sure that they would love the chance to be doxxed courtesy of Oh Honestly, Erin) but all the messages were legible, thank god. When I went to pick the cake up before the party, the high school boy who retrieved it from me came back and said, “This is a REALLY cool cake. What did you use to make this?” and then I explained the background, about how we’re all a bunch of a-holes basically and the cake was one big, sweet, inside joke.

I WAS SO EXCITED THAT I IMPRESSED A HIGH SCHOOL KID! And that they lettered the message exactly how I typed it out. I was worried they would want to fix the case, etc. and that would have ROONED it.

But wait! There’s more!

Before Nate and I even asked* Lauren if she was cool with the party idea, I had glommed on to the idea of having a pinata. Actually, now that I think about it, this must have been where the fiesta theme came from?? Why am I so slow? The party was almost a full week ago and I am just now realizing this.

*(I originally wanted to surprise her but we couldn’t figure out the logistics of that aside from pretending like Henry was suddenly the same database as us at his job and wanted to ask her questions about it, and then Nate called it the FaygoBase and it was a whole dumn thing that I tried to tell Henry about when he came home and all he said, “You guys are dumb” and “How do you get any work done?” (You would be surprised at how much shit I get done in spite of my shenanigans.)

And obviously, the first thing I knew would be stuffed inside the pinata? GLENNS. (And also a bunch of Mexican candies, including the roasted chicken–just in shape, not flavor–suckers that Lauren and Nate were obsessed with when I filled the International Candy Pumpkin with a bag of ’em back in the In Office Days.)

Debby’s Space Heater Fire Glenn. (I thought I had posted about this but I guess not. It happened on a day when I was off, and literally three people texted me immediately to goad me about THIS AMAZING THING that I missed. Turns out, Debby’s space heater HAD CAUGHT FIRE and Aaron jumped into volunteer 10th Floor Firefighter mode, heroically DUMPED THE CANDY OUT OF MY PUMPKIN, filled it with water from the nearby water fountain that no one liked to drink from because sometimes the water came out yellow, and doused the flames.)

International Candy Pumpkin Glenn. [You might recall that back when we worked in the office, I had a plastic trick-or-treating pumpkin pail behind Lauren’s desk that I kept perpetually filled with delights (and sometimes disgusting things that ended up being spat right into the nearest trash can).]

DOUG GLENN, which apparently had Nate stumped?!!? He had FORGOTTEN ABOUT DOUG?? Lauren set him straight, though.

OK, maybe by the weekend I will be ready to post party pics and share some of my best Lauren mems. Sigh.

Marathoning the Wacky Worm

 Amusement Parks, Fairs, & Carnivals, nostalgia
May 102023
 

You guys, I’m reposting this because it’s still so precious (precious??) to me. Wacky Worm 4 Lyfe! Should I take my homemade I’d Rather Be Riding the Wacky Worm t-shirt on our Coaster Crew vacation this summer?!? Speaking of, 12 years later and I am cracking up so bad at the thought of CHOOCH originally being “too scared” to ride the Wacky Worm! He’s come a long way, lololol.
***

I have an obsessive personality, so it really shouldn’t surprise anyone that after riding the Wacky Worm (or, for those in the know, The Caterpillar) for the first time at last year’s Big Butler Fair, the hope that it would return in 2011 was one of the few things that kept me from hanging myself with a hobo’s necktie over the winter.

Who the fuck is this kid in the red shirt and why isn’t he cheering? You’re on the Wacky Worm; get stoked, motherfucker!

As soon as Janna, Chooch and I had our ride-all-day wristbands slapped on (so proud of Janna for sucking it up and going all-out! Henry, however, remains a pussy) I suggested we take a preemptive stroll around the fairgrounds. I was trying to stay cool about it, but the truth was that my pulse was quickening due to the fact that the Caterpillar was not in the same spot it was in last year and I couldn’t even begin to imagine a day at the fair without it. Especially since I spent an hour the night before coaxing and bribing Chooch to want to ride it. (He punked out last year and in that moment, I was no longer looking at my son, but at a 40″ failure. And you better believe I let him know it! And you better believe Henry lectured me for letting him know it.) So while I pretended to be interested in the money-guzzling midway games boasting oversized Rastafarian bananas as prizes and the joyful beam on my kid’s sweaty face as he rode on some kiddie truck ride (which was actually pretty awesome and I should have went on it too, why didn’t I go on it too?), I was actually craning my neck to see overtop tents and pendulating cages of death, in search of just one glimpse of my beloved Caterpillar.

THANK GOD IT WAS ON THE OTHER SIDE, YOU GUYS.

“Why do you keep laughing like Pee Wee Herman?” Janna asked me, herself laughing quite nervously as we embarked on the first of many frivolous journeys.

“I don’t know, I’m just having so much fun!” I answered a little defensively, like I now needed to prove I wasn’t going to whip out my penis and coat the Caterpillar with my gooey joy.

Corey met us there an hour later and immediately joined the fan club. I think we rode it like, 18 times, with no promise of ever slowing down. I’d still be riding it right now, if I could. I think The Law Firm should have one in the building. As a stress reliever. You know. Fuck yoga.

Unfortunately for Corey, who is six-foot-alot, he was unable to join us in raising the roof each time the Caterpillar cruised down the hill.

“I’ll for sure break my wrists,” he announced when he realized how low the track was above us.

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I let him believe that that’s what would happen, when I really know that his arms would most likely get gruesomely divorced from the rest of his torso. And it would still remain the best ride ever.

At one point, I noticed that older kids started lining up for it.

“That’s because they hear you screaming and now they think this ride is fun,” Henry mumbled.

“Um, it is fun,” I corrected him.

“No, you’re just an idiot,” he sighed. How would he know when he wouldn’t even ride it? What the fuck, Henry. It’s because he was too scared. TOO SCARED OF EXPERIENCING 60 SECONDS OF SHEER DELIGHT.

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It might actually force him to crack a smile, possibly even tack on a few more minutes to his miserable life, god forbid.

So instead of joining us, he stood off to the side like some purse-toting pedophile, while all the other moms stood nearby and encouraged their respective children to cheer each time the caterpillar carried us past. Of course, this made me carry on even louder, like I was single-handedly trying to bring back the Arsenio;  sometimes I would even shout Henry’s name and then point at him so everyone would know we belonged together.

He was really enthused about that.

This guy and another younger Mexican were the official Wacky Worm operators of the day, and let me tell you—they tired of me real fast. I mean, REAL FAST. I was about as amusing to them as border-crossing and I’m certain they mistook me as mentally challenged. Or on drugs. Why? Because no one has that much fun on the Wacky Worm? Damn right no one has that much fun on the Wacky Worm!  I am the champion of the Wacky Worm!

Anyway, I’m glad he decided to fuck with the ride’s foundation while Corey and Chooch were on it, and not me.

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Furthermore, why wasn’t I on it that time?! I have no idea. I’m sure I must have had some sort of reason to willingly pass up a joyride on the back of my beloved Caterpillar, but the only thing I can think of is that’s when I was giving a blow job to the Dunk-a-Clown under the bleachers during the tractor pull.

Let me try to walk you through the glory that is the Caterpillar (or Wacky Worm, whatever you feel most comfortable, as an adult, calling it). It’s like riding in Jesus’s lap (that can go either way you want, holla to the religious porn addicts) as a caterpillar ascends you up to the Heavens, far away from all the grouchy grown-ups, while tiny angel-dusted kitten paws knead biscuits of lost childhood memories on your belly, and all of a sudden you remember what it felt like to score that coveted Scratch n Sniff sticker you needed to fill the page and to not have bills to pay and a house to make sure isn’t exploded by your kid and a boyfriend who might have even been the same age as you, and it feels great. Great like freedom. You absolutely want to ride it 87 more times. Caterpillar, take me away.

I got to do something that I missed out on last summer: riding the Caterpillar at sunset. Nothing is better in life than riding the Caterpillar at sunset.

We never got to ride in the front seat, though we came close on our second-to-last go-around but the dumb bitch in front of us in line caught wind of our plans and pushed her way to the coveted front spot. Or it could have been that her beer-bellied dad was hollering, “GET THE FRONT, GIRL. GET IT!” when the carny opened the gate.

I tried to get Henry to act as a placeholder while we were on the ride. You know, have him stand alone in line, saving us a spot in the front; but he refused, mumbled something about not wanting to be the only adult male in line for a kiddie ride, at which point I had to argue that Powers Great American Midways mistakenly lists the Wacky Worm under the “kiddie ride” section of their website when they obviously meant for it to be under “spectacular rides.”

The next morning, Chooch came over to me and said, “Thank you, Mommy.” The fact that he said this earnestly and with no hint of sarcasm gave me pause.

“For what?” I asked hesitantly.

“For making me ride the Caterpillar yesterday. It was so awesome.”

That was my proudest moment as a parent.

***

Since I’m friends with Powers Great American Midways on Facebook (laugh all you want, it’s informative!), I know that they’re affiliated with the upcoming Fayette County Fair which is happening on my birthday. You better believe I’m going! I went to the PGAM website and filled out the contact form with a very pressing question:

This inspired Henry to sigh heavily and say various interpretations of disapproval, such as: Don’t send that; Get a life; You need help; Get the fuck over it.

They haven’t responded to my pressing inquiry yet. Until then, I will just watch my video continuously until Henry takes the Internet away from me.

(Henry thought I pushed that girl out of my way at the end. I promise you I employed great restraint not to. Also, I apparently wasn’t holding Janna’s phone properly BUT WHO CARES IT’S THE FUCKING CATERPILLAR YA’LL. Henry really wants me to stop calling it that. It’s apparently a completely different ride.)

Perfume

 music, nostalgia
Apr 242023
 

Hey just when you guys were like “I literally do not care about this NCT bullshit and will never care to learn about the sub-units or whatever this bitch keeps calling them,” a brand new sub-unit was formed! This one is called NCT DoJaeJung (for Doyoung, Jaehyun, and Jungwoo from NCT127).

They recently debuted with the song Perfume which I have been obsessing over and it also made me think about how during the whole life thus far, I have had three very distinct signature scents. I mean, after I graduated from the Avon roller scents in middle school thanks to my friend Cara who used to bring in her mom’s Avon books all the time – my favorite scene is on the tip of my tongue but I can’t think of it!! I just tried to Google and none of those roller ones are even coming up – did I dream it? That’s what my mom would say. Anyway, it was something beachy/tropical and it was the only one I ever ordered.

In high school, I was BIG INTO Versace, so his Red Jeans scent was definitely my jam. I think I mentioned this recently, but Henry found a bottle of it for me, and I have been happily spritzing myself with nostalgia ever since.

I also was very attached to YSL’s Champagne (I think it’s called Yvesse now) also in high school. I haven’t smelled that in decades, but I just closed my eyes after looking at the bottle online on my nose remembered.

But the one that most recently was my signature, and I really should get some more of it, was Dior’s Hypnotic Poison. I used to wear it religiously in my early years at The Law Firm and people would always recognize my presence because of it – it is very unmistakable and unique.

Cool, now put on some red jeans, drink some champers, and watch this hypnotic poison of a video and then tell me what your signature scent is while I do a deep-dive into the Avon archives looking for that stupid cheap-ass perfume that now I suddenly need to sniff again.

OG LJ Lunch!

 nostalgia, where i try to act social
Apr 012023
 

Last Friday, I was in a group chat at work when the oblig “what’s everyone doing this weekend” question came up. I excitedly divulged that I was finally, after like 20 years, meeting a friend that I had made on LiveJournal back in the golden days. I can’t remember exactly how or when Lindsey and I friended each other over there but it was definitely well before Chooch came into existence and also back when I was still in the mix CD game because I’m 99% sure I made her one. #dorkalert!

Neither of us still use LJ, but we have continued our online friendship through Instagram and Twitter, which, you know, say what you want about social media, but it does have some perks!

“Do you know where she lives? Where she works? You should tell your husband where you’re going to be, so he knows,” a concerned new-er coworker said who truly does not know that my lifestyle is based solely on tempting fate and dancing on the edge of sanity. Also, lol my “husband” was the one driving me to get axe-murdered!

Anyway, how this happened was that we have both suggested meeting up here and there over the years but we have never actually solidified it, you know how life goes.

And Lindsey has really been so complimentary about the changes in decor we’ve done around the house, so I always want to be like YOU SHOULD COME OVER but is that weird?! I dunno, I feel like when I was younger I would have asked and not thought twice about it but I’m a little more socially conscious (lol am I though) the older I get so I thought maybe we should have lunch so it doesn’t appear that I am luring her into my psychedelic lair. I DMd her on Instagram and said, “OK we gotta get something scheduled” because it just felt like the time was right! We picked a date (which I then had to switch up on her because the WILL SIGNING thing ended up being redcheduled for the original date we chose, of fucking course it would be!) and then Lindsey provided some restaurant suggestions which I appreciated because I am way out of the loop with the Pgh restaurant scene.

The first place I looked up was 40 North and immediately saw spaetzel on the menu. That was all I needed to see. We agreed on it, made a reservation, and then my “husband” dropped me off with nary a “good luck / be careful / don’t embarrass yourself.” I don’t even think he fully brought the car to a stop, now that I think about it.

OK can I just say that meeting people is so hard for me but I felt so relaxed from beginning to end because Lindsey had such a chill and calming vibe about her! I know we’ve e-known each other for quite some time, but that doesn’t always translate well in real life. But this felt like we had already gotten the first meet-up out of the way and now we were just catching up. So weird how things work out that way sometimes!

(Obviously I’m speaking for myself, so I hope Lindsey wasn’t actually physically clawing at her skin, dying for me to STFU and finish my lunch so she could leave!)

Sometimes I forget how nice it is to have a conversation face-to-face with someone!

The food was excellent, my drink was so smoky, gingery, and delicious (the smokiness caught me off guard but hello, it was called Tindersticks so…), and there were no uncomfortable lulls like I experienced the day before at Station 4. I didn’t even realize that we had been there for 2 hours! The only weird thing about the entire lunch was our waiter’s penchant for whispering; I kept trying to read his lips for clues but he had a bushy beard so then I was just guessing what my answers to his whispers should be.

Seriously, I will never stop talking about the LiveJournal days because of moments like this. I hope we do this again before another 20ish years pass by! (Even though she doesn’t like Phil Collins!)

T-Minus 7 Days until Taemin

 music, nostalgia, Obsessions, Uncategorized
Mar 262023
 

Just a friendly reminder that my prince gets discharged from the military in one week.

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God help those around me, for I will be shrieking and sobbing my dumb face off.

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I have tried to avoid any Taemin content while he’s been away but I did a mini-binge this morning and I’m finally starting to let myself get stoked! Even Henry will usually put his phone down and watch if Taemin is on TV.

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Pizza. Cake. Attic.

 holidays, nostalgia
Mar 252023
 

Yesterday was my mom’s birthday!

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A few weeks ago, my bro Ryan suggested taking her out to dinner, “or we could just have it in your new game room” he quickly added on, lol. I thought that would be better because it’s more casual and we’d be able to lounge around and chat for as long as we wanted without getting stink eye from the servers, like YOU PAID YOUR BILL, NOW GTFO”.

I immediately also offered to order the cake because I this is the most important task and I take my Bethel Bakery cake-ordering EXTREMELY seriously. Bethel Bakery is the Kelly Family standard, the only bakery that we trust to bake our cakes. Always and forever. So the gospel sayeth.

Since this was Ryan’s idea, I assumed that he had made our mom privy to the details, but I texted him anyway to make sure it wasn’t a surprise because I wanted to ask her what kind of food she wanted, and he was like, “Oh yeah, I mentioned it to her but that was a few week ago” and then  when I texted her a week ago about birthday hang-out food options, she was like, “When is this lol?”

Sigh.

She said pizza was fine so my other brother Corey said he could handle that. I gave Ryan the BEVERAGE task.

Long story short, Corey eventually settled on Jets Pizza (although there was a RANCH SITUATION where they said they were all out of their HOUSEMADE RANCH causing Corey to spiral out so they managed to make some appear for him, I don’t know, I was almost passing out from hunger at that point because I usually eat dinner at 5:30 and it was now 7:30 and excuse me if I wasn’t capable of paying attention to anything other than the sweet stench of Detroit-style cheesy carb slabs) and Ryan picked up two bottles of wine from Sheetz (yessss, Sheetz wine, lol!).

Oh! While we were waiting for Corey to arrive with the pizza, we were all hanging out in the living room and I had one of my beloved RetroWave channels playing on YouTube. Ryan was like, “Dude, I think I listen to this too….” and then I started name-dropping some of the retro wave bands like FM 84 and The Midnight and he was like, “YES, and their songs play with old scenes of 80s movies in the background, right?

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” and YES! I was so excited about this, knowing that my brother listens to the same stuff while working. Chooch was groaning bigtime because he hates retro wave.

You guys, it was really nice hanging out in the attic lounge, eating pizza, drinking sweet, cheap wine out of Solo cups, and telling old ass stories of our childhood.

While we were eating the pizza, I kept saying, “But seriously, didn’t some celebrity came to Pittsburgh and then became obsessed with Jets?” and no one believed me. “No, I swear, and the only reason I remember is because it’s someone I hate” (and what I left off was that I also had a Jets-boycott because of this but didn’t want Corey to know because he would panic about bringing Jets pizza into my house but that was literally like a decade ago and I truly don’t care—that much—anymore) until Henry finally googled it and announced, “It was Jay Leno.”

“YES, THAT’S IT!” I said with a snap if only I could actually snap.

“That’s….a really weird person to hate,” Ryan laughed. “Like, who hates Jay Leno?”

UM, THIS GIRL, SINCE THE 90s. And also Conan 4eva..

AND THEN, CAKE.

My mom HATES pictures but I snuck this one and I think she knew it lol.

“I ordered almond cake with raspberry filling,” I said.

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“I hope you like that!”

“That’s what my wedding cake was,” my mom said, with no emotion in her voice so I couldn’t really tell if this was good or bad. It turns out it was good in that she likes the flavor combo and perhaps that is the only thing that she ended up liking about her wedding lol. Hashtag Divorce.

My mom was sad because she brought treats for her grandcats but they of course hid in my room the whole time. Drew came out 5 minutes after everyone left and immediately was like, “Cool, give me some of these and thank her me.”

But yeah, it was just really nice that we got together on a day that wasn’t Christmas or whatever! I definitely want to do this more often. Ryan and I used to be so close as kids — well, let’s not go that far, we did fight a lot and there was A TON OF JEALOUSY on my end, but we were horror movie aficionados together, loved TMNT, and had a shit ton of inside jokes back then. Every time we get together as adults, I’m like, WHY DON’T WE DO THIS MORE OFTEN?

Life is so weird.

Two Non-Trash Items

 Bullet Point Thoughts, music, nostalgia, Uncategorized
Mar 152023
 

Today was one of the least annoying days I’ve had in a bit.

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Too lazy to blog for real but I will give you a little succinct update spotlighting the two points of good news:

  1. After chooch got his MRI on Monday, the results were emailed to us and of course Henry and I were googling “how to become an orthopedic doctor in 5 minutes.” The results seemed…not great? I saw things like TEAR and DEEP FISSURE and EDEMA and other things that sounded like fancy ways to expand the syllables of OUCH. But today the surgeon called after reviewing and his explanation was basically BAD BONE BRUISE. I did not know that was a thing but I googled it and it sounds like a not great thing. But!! The upside is that he thinks it should heal on its own and recommends that Chooch continue to wear the brace for another 4 weeks and he’ll have a follow-up appointment at the end of March too. My big question for doc is WHEN CAN HE RIDE ROLLERCOASTERS AGAIN? Now? Is it now? Hmm? Did you say NOW??
  2. Tickets for the Cure’s North American tour went on sale today.
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    The verified fan thing was pretty messy but I did get us two seats and those two tickets combined still cost less than half of what I paid for one ticket to NCT Dream and even lesser than NCT 127 but let’s not talk about that. Let’s just be thankful that I got two reasonably priced tickets to see my favorite band of all time even though they said that their 2000 tour was going to be the last one and here we are, 23 years later and this will be my…7th time to see them? Don’t make me count. It’s relax-y time. Kara checked in with me today to make sure I was alive and more importantly, obtained tickets. Happy to confirm!

I told Henry I should find someone to take with me, someone who might actually propose to me. I think he said, “go ahead” which harkened back to the time I briefly dated this guy Erik and then some random guy named … Kevin? I dunno his name, I had literally just met him at a gas station and invited him over to party lol.

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Ok so Kevin asked Erik if he could have me and Erik said BE MY GUEST.

The best/worst part is that I have this on VIDEO somewhere.

I’m writing this in bed and have to go now because the man who won’t marry me is snoring and I need to lodge my knee firmly into his ass.

Ending yet another blog post apropos of nothing, we are.

Five Fingerwritings* For Friday

 Bullet Point Thoughts, Friday Five, nostalgia
Feb 242023
 

*sorry I needed the alliteration, I CLAIM POETIC LICENSE.

Since I have been sorting through boxes of my entire life’s history, I’ve been unearthing some really…interesting shit. I will say that the prospect of becoming a certified hoarder in my elder years has really terrified me into pitching a ton of stuff, mostly the boxes upon boxes of pen pals letters. Because let’s be real: when am I ever going to read those?? And when I die, Chooch will definitely just have all of my stuff 86’d anyway so might as well lessen the load now.

Anyway! I thought, wow, what a fun Friday Five it would be to share some of the handwritten notes I’ve unearthed recently. I actually had so many options, but I narrowed it down to these five for today and maybe I will do more in the future, LIKE A SERIES??

  1. AARON LOVES ERIN

I have definitely posted about this on here before, but it was a very long time ago and I think I just transcribed it. But today you get the ACTUAL LETTER.

It’s like my dad always said: I have a personality only a prisoner could love.

2. A Postcard from my Grandma

1989! This would have been my first trip to Europe, but no mention of all the times I embarrassed my grandma by being a frumpy fatty. LOL, jk kind of. I don’t think I have ever noticed how my grandma’s handwriting fluctuated between lowercase and uppercase – I do that too for sure but not that harshly! The randomly capitalized “e”s are really intriguing to me. I wonder what that means, from a handwriting analysis standpoint? Any pros here wanna weigh in?

P.S. LOL @ how she accidentally signed the card with their names and had to scratch it out.

3. VANETTA ROCKS

You guys, when I found this card, I literally said, “AWWW” out loud. Vanetta was the teenaged daughter of the people who, many moons ago, lived next to Hot Naybor Chris except that it was so long ago  that he didn’t even live there yet! Her family had already been living on this block for some time before I moved in back in 1999 and they had at least 3 other kids (I want to say two younger girls and a boy). You know I hate me some children, but I really, truly enjoyed the presence of these kids. They were just…really good and sweet. Back then, neighbors use to actually talk to each other and we’d have small block parties from time to time. I can remember one of the girls (Kristen I feel like her name was?) having a birthday so I went out and got her a present which probably wasn’t anything wild but I fully remember her being so appreciative.

Really liked that family a lot. Now Vanetta – she was the oldest and I feel like perhaps she was a half-sibling to the rest? I think she had a different dad and she was very sweet but kind of troubled. She glommed on to me pretty quickly because I wasn’t that much older than her, but older enough for her to feel “cool” to be in my presence? I will admit that she could be kind of annoying and a pain to get rid of, but at the end of the day, I did really like her. Obviously you already know by the card above that I let her come to X-Fest with Wonka and me and she was OVER THE MOON about it.

Her family ended up moving to Florida and I was so sad to see them go, but Vanetta stayed here with her dad, except that she ended up living in A MOTEL down the street for a while!? I’m not sure whatever happened to her but I would like to find out. I don’t know her last name, not sure that I ever did. Wherever she is, I sure hope she is doing well.

OH! One other funny Vanetta thing is that she was one of the first people to find out about me and Henry when she was coming over to knock on my door one day just as he was leaving and it was SO OBVIOUS that we were TRYSTING because he was leaving with wet hair after showering here. I just remember her looking at him, and then looking at me, and then looking back at him – you could hear the wheels grinding in her head!

OH! One last funny thing is that I’m pretty sure I threw out the referenced picture in that card because OMG EW I LOOKED FAT. Ugh, I hate myself bigly.

4. OLIVIA

OK OK OK, so the first time my grandparents took me to Europe, there was another girl my age on the same trip with her parents! Her name was Olivia and we became BEST FRIENDS. I can remember her parents & my grandparents scheduling phone calls for the two of us periodically after returning home from the trip. I would be so excited, waiting for the phone to ring at my Pappap’s house, thinking that it was so amazing a telephone could connect me to this girl from the west coast. Honestly, these phone calls probably only happened once or twice, lol. Sadly, my friendship with Olivia did not last very long but I bet if social media or at the very least cell phones had been prevalent at the time, maybe we’d still know each other at least at arm’s length?!

Props to her parents for including my beloved stuffed animal in the salutation, lol.

1

I FORGOT HOW COOL SHE WAS! Very Blossom-esque. Actually, perhaps she was a year or two older than me.

I was…not a cute child. LOL.

5. You guys, it’s gon’ get dark…

I actually just found this tonight when I was looking for something else and it knocked the wind out of me a little bit. So…apologies that this is about to get fucking dark, but this letter is from THE SHITTY MEAT COMPANY owner’s son, Eric. Now, you might remember that Eric sexually harassed me here and there during my 4-year tenure at this shitty job. A lot of it was suggestive, or inappropriate comments (like, “Would you fuck Stacy Dash?” Literally, the fact that I remember this one like it was yesterday….), almost threatening (“I’m going to come to your house tonight and have sex with you”), to downright blatant physical assault (RUNNING INTO MY OFFICE AND GRABBING MY CROTCH WHILE I WAS AT THE FILING CABINET, FILING INVOICES).

This was from 2000-2004. I was so young. So green. The world wasn’t what it is now. I worked at a family-owned company with no HR. Was this what the professional scene was like? Who knew!?!

Some things you need to know about Eric is that – AND I AM NOT EXCUSING HIS BEJHAVIOR – he was VERY emotionally undeveloped. This guy was in his 30s and literally had the maturity of a middle schooler. He was helpless, extremely unintelligent, just fucking clueless. His mother basically did all of his school work for him so that he could coast through high school and it showed. It really showed. On the other side of that letter up there, he spelled “imagine” as “amagin” and “celebrity” and “celiberty.” That….that was Eric.

So, the reason I have these letters is because, a few mths before everything came to a head at that place, resulting in me and Carol to walk out and me win a settlement after having a mediation with the EEOC (oh, looking back at it now, after #MeToo changed the climate of this shit, the sum I received was PATHETIC), Eric’s parents made him check into a rehab facility several hours away. He was an alcoholic and I *think* cocaine was his drug of choice? I’m not sure. But this man was so unstable and toxic.

His dad came into my office one day and asked, LOL nay – instructed, me to write Eric a letter. “It will make him feel better,” Joe said. And because I was FUCKING YOUNG AND STUPID AND THOUGHT THAT BECAUSE MY BOSS WAS TELLING ME TO DO SOMETHING NOT IN MY JOB DESCRIPTION, I STILL HAD TO DO IT EVEN IF IT WASN’T EVEN WORK-RELATED, I wrote the fucker a letter.

You guys, the day Carol and I quit, we had a screaming match with Joe. I said the shittiest things to him about Eric. It was 4 years coming. So much pent-up vitriol.

A few days after we quit, Eric had left the second rehab facility that he had begged to be transferred to because it was in Florida and it was more of a work-release type of situation where he was able to leave and he had a curfew?! I remember thinking that this sounded like an awful idea, and of course he ended up getting in trouble for breaking curfew too much and I’m sure other things happened that I can’t remember because I truly have SO MUCH of that time blocked out in my mind, but long story short, he either left or got kicked out and his MOMMY had to fly down there to bring him home, and a day later, he was speeding down Rt 837, hit a tree head on and died.

Fucking died.

A few days after I had a screaming match about him with his dad.

When I say that this happened in 2004 and I am still deep in my feelings about it to the point where I sometimes get so choked up that I can’t speak and have to just wave a hand in the air and change the subject, I am not kidding.

Yeah, so this letter. Ouch. The other one was signed FRIENDS FOREVER.

FRIENDS FOREVER, you guys. This man was so oblivious to the fact that I fucking hated him…yet at the same time, I had so much pity for him as well. His parents let him become that man. They did him no favors.

So wow – on that dark note! I’m about to go chug a glass of wine, me’thinks. Should this be a series?? NOTES FROM THE PAST? You tell me.

Pappap snaps

 nostalgia, Pappap
Feb 202023
 

Today is the anniversary of…that day, and my new thing these last several years has been to celebrate my Pappap instead of moping / feeling sad / being depressed. He was only part of my life for 16 years, so it’s really nuts for me to grasp the idea that I’ve been living life without him longer than with him now. Damn. I can only hope that I have even half that much of an impact on someone’s life one day!

Anyway, here are three photos featuring my Pappap over the years!

This had to be us at Kennywood. I wonder what ride it was?! Henry suggested Jack Rabbit at first but I honestly can’t imagine being game to ride a rollercoaster at that age – maybe, though?? The station looks too open though, so then Henry suggested the Little Dipper. It was open until 1984 and this photo was probably from 1983 so maybe! But…I doubt it.

This may have been pre-Erin Pappap! That’s him and my MOMMY in their Gillcrest pool, which was one of my favorite places of all time. My Pappap’s pool in the summer, absolutely nothing was better. I would give anything to go back to the mid-80s for one sunny July afternoon, honestly. My Pappap didn’t go in the pool much by the time I was born, but he could ALWAYS be found sawing logs in a lawn chair.

In fact, he had his own lawn chair that no one else dared use, and I will never ever ever ever forget us attempting to normalize a Pappap-less world by celebrating someone’s birthday or some summer holiday by having a cookout/pool party like we used to, and my dad laying back in The Lawn Chair and BREAKING IT, causing my aunt Sharon to completely melt down. It was baaaaad. She wouldn’t let anyone touch the chair, it just pretty much stayed out there like a wrecked relic, making us all miss better times.

When I say my family collectively handled my Pappap’s death poorly, with handsome amounts of dysfunction and enough trauma to last several lifetimes, I’m actually downplaying it. None of us mourned his death like healthy people. I was (am??) scarred for years and years afterward to the point where I used to not even be able to THINK of him without bursting into tears, let alone talk about him like a functioning human with normal emotional health.

It was really hard when Chooch was a baby too, because I spent so much time bobbing around in my feelings, wondering if my Pappap knew that Chooch was here, wishing that Chooch could know him, needing his stability in our life.

But…I think I reached a point where I feel that he would be proud of me, and that he would approve of how I have been living my life (well, maybe starting within the last 10 years, lol). And that makes it easier for me to think about him and smile at the memories instead of sob uncontrollably.

OK enough for the heavy hoo-haw, here’s a totally groovy shot of my grandparents and people I don’t know (actually, both of those men bookending the shot looked very familiar to me though and their names are on the tip of my tongue). Is this the 60s? Early 70s? Not sure, but grandma, your hair! Woof! My grandma had some AMAZING hairstyles over this years and this was not one of them. Nope.  Anyway, I feel like this was from a group vacation. Bahamas, perhaps. I think they used to go there a lot. I could ask my mom but I think she still gets upset when he comes up so I try not to talk about him too much with her. I don’t know. His death really fucked us up. You wanna talk about the glue holding a family together. We felt that.

Sorry, I didn’t intend this to get heavy! I am not sad or depressed today. I’m fine, and just wanted to share these but then the thoughts started and now here I am analyzing an irreparable situation that shouldn’t have went down the way it did, but here we are!

More 3rd Floor Nostalgia Diving

 nostalgia
Feb 062023
 

I am happy to report that about 90% of the shit stowed away in the attic has been sorted / pitched / donated / neatly stored. It feels SO GOOD, like the biggest weight lifted off my shoulders. I finally, after 35 years, felt it was the right time to throw out the boxes of penpal letters I’ve been, let’s face it, HOARDING. I did keep some from various prisoners, strictly for the LOLs, and I considered keeping the ones from ALISHA OLMSTEAD but after she SNUBBED me on Facebook several years when I sent her a message like HI WE WERE PENPALS ALL THROUGH MIDDLE SCHOOL AND HIGH SCHOOL AND HAD A WRITING CLUB TOGETHER AND MADE SLAM BOOKS FOR EACH OTHER HOW COULD YOU FORGET ME I felt there was no reason to hang on to those, since most of them were probably just her gushing over JONATHAN BRANDIS AND CHRISTIAN BALE anyway. (Newsies and Ladybugs were here favorite movies, lol ok.)

I even threw out photos of bad times, bad people. Typically, I would keep everything like this because I am a memory pack rat, but pictures of Psycho Mike got ripped up, a picture of me at McCoys sandwiched by two QUEEN CUNTS who I wouldn’t care at all if I found out they were dead sorry but that’s real talk also got thrown out but now I wished I had ceremonially set it aflame first. Oh well.

A card from Christina – bye bye.

A weird ass letter written to a still in utero Chooch from a crazy lady from Philly who I knew from LJ – balled up and slam-dunked into the garbage bag.

It was cathartic. Like being reborn. I am ready for this new era.

Anyway, there were tons of things from my past that were unearthed and definitely are staying, some of these things I’m even going to keep out instead of hiding away in a box.
I found this peeled apart Polaroid of my best doggo Dazee and me from what appears to be 1995. First of all, LOVE THAT LOOK ON ME LOL. I’m pretty sure I also lined my lips like a fool back then too. Also, I went through a weird red hair phase – not ginger but like maroon somehow??

I just know that my mom HATED it haha.

Ugh but man, my old bedroom, how I miss thee. Also, you can blame my mom for my persistent itch to spray-paint every piece of furniture that crosses my threshold. She started it by spray-painting my bedroom set purple and yello!

I’m not kidding when I say that in one fell swoop, I pulled four of the most life-changing books out of a box. These four books are forever favorites, I can look at each of them and be transported to very specific eras of my most formative years, right down to where I was when I was reading some of them.

For instance, I still lived in South Park when I read Wait Until Helen Comes and it terrified me. Both Ghost Story and the Sins of Rachel Ellis were books I found in my Pappap’s house, presumably either my mom’s or aunt’s when they were young: Rachel Ellis is probably why I ended up with an old guy, and I have a VERY SPECIFIC MEMORY of reading part of Ghost Story when I was in high school, sitting in the living room which we rarely used, home alone on a bright, sunny summer day, and getting full-body chills because this book scared me so much. Peter Straub quickly became one of my faves after that and I have always wanted to re-read this one but am so worried that I won’t like it as much now that I’m older and rarely affected by a horror novel.

And The Westing Game taught me to put bourbon on a toothache. Literally one of the greatest books of all time. I suggested that Chooch read it for a book report in grade school and as much as he wanted to NAYSAY, he admitted that it was fucking fantastic. Just one of the best books ever and all kids should experience it.

Then Henry found a leftover invitation from Chooch’s 1st birthday!! 

Henry and I worked so hard on those and I don’t regret it at all. Best Son only turned one once, after all!

We are so close to being done with the attic space.

I will share more photos of the progress later this week but for now, here’s Drew timidly venturing up there for the first time since this overhaul began and seeing THE DEADLY DISCO BALL OMG.

On that note, I have to go. I finished my rewatch of Laguna Beach (I can honestly say that I appreciate Kristin so much more now that I’m an adult LOL as if I wasn’t already a grown up whenever this show originally aired too but YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN) and am now onto my first ever rewatch of the Hills, as well as the Whitey Port reaction videos (hat tip to Megan for suggesting those!).

Man, I miss this era of TV a lot a lot a lot.

Friday Five: Get Yr Synth On

 Friday Five, music, nostalgia
Feb 032023
 

Billy, we got some straight up JAMS to listen to together today. During my work day, I tend to put on “retro synth” playlists on YouTube. Most of it is instrumental which is good for me because I need to con-cen-trate on what I’m doing or I will get yelled at.

Probably not, but maybe. You never know. A passive aggressive call-out, at the very least.

Anyway, I need to have background music on to block out the perpetually shrieking children next door, but if I play kpop, then I get way too into plus my ears will start subconsciously perking up every time I hear a word that I recognize and then I feel compelled to look up the lyrics to see if I was correct, and it’s just a whole thing that will deter me from the work at hand for a solid 10 or 20 or sometimes longer if I’m at that point inspired to get up and see if Give Me Five Thailand also has a cardio workout to the subject song.

See what I mean? I can’t Kpop and review engagement letters at the same time.

But synth is wonderful because it puts me in a very relaxed, comfortable zone. HOWEVER, every so often, a song with vocals will pop on that stops me dead. Here are some of the recent ones that I have been fully fucking with.

And this last one especially made me call out HENRY BRING ME MY ROLLER SKATES. It has become a sensation at work, too! Even GLENN liked it!

This is bigly inspiring me to want to have a party.

OK, it’s Friday night. An exceptionally annoying work week is officially behind me. Your girl is about to drink some wine and make a playlist for a party I will probably never actually move forward with because I am lazy and constantly distracted but at least I’ll have a sick playlist.

Wayback Wednesday: Changdeokgung Palace 2018

 nostalgia
Feb 012023
 

You know how when you reach the levels of STRESSED THE FUCK OUT that you can hear your blood bubbling? That’s where I am this week. To calm down, I opened up my blog archives and allowed myself to get deep down into my Korea-feels. I love the photos in this post so much and wanted to post it again, also because I am too stressed and irritated to construct new content, even the shitty, bare-minimum kind that you’ve come to expect here. I think this is now the THIRD time I have reposted this since 2018 but I D G A F. MY BLOG MY RULES. WAH.

We woke up early on a Saturday morning and set off for some palace-touring. As I mentioned previously, our hotel was in a great location, and we were able to walk to several of the Five Grand Palaces of Seoul! Probably would have been a faster/easier walk if we weren’t following Henry’s lead, but….as Henry said, “WE GOT THERE, DIDN’T WE?!”

Wow, tough guy.

I wanted to start with Gyeongbokgung Palace first, but Henry was all, “my way or the highway” or some other Dad-ism, so we went to Changdeokgung Palace first.

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I know, it’s hard to keep the names straight! But the one that starts with a G is like, the most popular one, I guess.

In hindsight though, our crazy walks are something I look back on now and laugh about. I miss it! We saw a lot of crazy shit this way and it reaffirmed that we definitely were better suited sans itinerary. As much as I loved the European adventures I went on as a kid with my family, it was so much better not to be tied down to a group agenda and panicking every day because you’re close to missing bus call.

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For this trip, we had a list of things we wanted to do, and we played it by ear. Sometimes we didn’t know what we were doing until after we woke up that morning! It was slightly stressful for me at times because I’m an undercover control freak, but I quickly learned to just go with it and maybe that’s why we managed to make it through our Korea pilgrimage with minimal fighting.

Donhwamun Gate, the largest of all palace gates. Get on Donhwamun’s level, other gates. 

According to Wiki, this Palace literally translates to “Prospering Virtue Palace.” It was the second palace to be established after Gyeongbokgung, which is the one I wanted to see first but that’s OK Henry, fuck up the chronological order!

The original palace was built between 1405-1412 but burnt down during the Japanese invasion in 1592 and again in 1623 but each time it was rebuilt, and the reconstruction remained true to its original form. It’s incredibly humbling and sobering to be walking around grounds filled with so much history and tragedy.

Chooch might have a future as a Walmart greeter, you guys.

We got there early enough that it wasn’t flooded with tourists yet. Look at the mountain peeking out back there! I believe that’s part of Mt. Bugaksan. One of the things I didn’t know about Korea until I started marinating in a KOREA 101 bath is that Korea is like, 70% mountains! And almost everywhere you go in Seoul, you can see them. It’s one of the things I loved so much about this city, that no matter how urban and cosmopolitan it feels in one direction, if you pivot another way, you’ve got a mountain looming over you, or a Palace’s ancient presence behind you. Seoul has everything. Seoul IS everything.

Injeongjeon Hall

This is the throne hall, where all The Big Events took place back in the day, like coronations and poisonings probably.

This is the inside of Injeongjeon Hall.

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I bet lots of scary people have mingled under those chandeliers.

And now please enjoy some gratuitous spring flower shots:

The spring buds were like celebs, man. There were some cherry blossoms that you couldn’t get anywhere near because of the throng of older people with their tripods and huge lenses.

It was so deserted in this area that I was afraid we weren’t supposed to be there. Those trees though.

I was so glad that Chooch got to experience all this history! He was really into it.

This was before ancient Korean spirits possessed Chooch and me and gave us the ability to lacerate Henry’s feelings with our hunger-driven words.

Because we would never normally be mean to Henry.

Lol.

I had to go for my annual wellness test this morning at work, and when the lab tech was getting ready to take my blood pressure, he said, “Just think about things that make you happy.” And immediately, in my mind, I was walking the peaceful grounds of Changdeokgung again.

porchetta frascatana

 nostalgia, travel
Jan 102023
 

When I was digging through photo boxes in search of good shots of my Pappap’s house to use for my Christmas present project, I found these that I must have taken in the 90s on one of my last trips to Europe with Sharon.

I’m mildly amazed at the amateur photojournalistic quality of them (minus that broad’s hand cameo in the left-hand corner, lol). Most of my old vacation pictures are such trash, especially the earlier trips when I was 9-11 and taking pictures of castles from a bus window. I can’t believe my grandparents actually paid to get that shit developed (and got doubles?

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!). These must be from Italy, but I can’t remember from where or when.

LOOK AT THAT BROAD!!! I need to frame this. It’s too good to not be in a frame. That lady must have been such an icon.

There was this one night in particular where I can remember having a huge fight with Sharon and screaming, “I’M GOING OUT WITH SOME OF THE PEOPLE FROM THE GROUP AND YOU CAN JUST STAY HERE IN THE ROOM AND ROT!” because she was such a stick in the mud when it came to socializing with other people on the tour with us, but I think that was a night from the last trip she and I took together (the ONE WITH STEFAN LOL) and I’m also pretty sure we were in Lucerne when I went off with some of the other people and I felt like an actual grown-up. (I think I was probably 17.)

Sometimes it’s surreal to me when I come across these old pictures or have a quick flashback of some vignette from a foreign city. It was so long ago but also feels like no time has passed.

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I’m eternally grateful that I was given these opportunities to explore such beautiful, historical places as a kid, but I would definitely prefer to experience it again now as an adult, with Henry and Chooch. Sharon was…oof.

(Oh, I’m sure there will still be fighting, though lol.

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)

My Favorite Coasters of 2022!

 nostalgia
Jan 042023
 

NO ONE ASKED, but I’m doing it anyway because my life is dreary and rollercoasterless right now.

You guys, riding roller coasters has been like, therapy-adjacent for me over the last several years.  It is maybe the most dorkiest thing I have going on and I truthfully do not give a single shit because falling down the rabbit hole of coaster manufacturers and CoasterTube has been SO MUCH FUN and truly elevated the experience of riding roller coasters in general. Like, before my first ride on T-Express at Everland in 2018, I was a casual coaster rider at best. I was definitely more into dark and flat rides.

I can’t believe that prior to 2018, I had no idea what Rocky Mountain Construction was. OR EVEN B&M. I don’t even think I knew who manufactured Steel Phantom/Phantom’s Revenge, let alone knowing that there were TWO manufacturers!

And just like Kpop, this is something that we all enjoy as a family (well….Chooch is not so into Kpop anymore but still likes Korea in general).

2022 was full of so many coasters, and new-to-us parks, too! Henry and I even went to parks just the two of us numerous times too, like on a date kind of! (Kennywood 3x, Cedar Point, Waldameer.)

Before I get into the coasters, here’s a list of all the parks we went to in 2022:

  • Busch Gardens Williamsburg
  • Seaworld Orlando
  • Universal Studios Islands of Adventure
  • Busch Gardens Tampa
  • Fun Spot Orlando
  • Fun Spot Kissimmee
  • Carowinds
  • Kennywood (at least 7x I feel like?)
  • Cedar Point (3x)
  • Six Flags New England
  • Waldameer
  • Michigan’s Adventure
  • Sylvan Beach
  • Morey’s Piers
  • Six Flags Great Adventure
  • Hershey
  • Mt. Olympus
  • Six Flags Great America
  • Dollywood

I *think* that’s all of them!

And now for my Top Coaster Experiences of the year! I’m considering the whole entire experience, not just “wow this is the greatest coaster ever” because if we’re being honest, Steel Vengeance is probably still my #1 coaster but EVERY EXPERIENCE TRYING TO RIDE THE FUCKER HAS BEEN MISERABLE. First of all, it’s located in one of the busiest parks in the country so the wait time is always absurd. Second, it’s a maintenance nightmare. Almost EVERY SINGLE TIME WE HAVE BEEN IN LINE FOR THIS, IT HAS BROKEN DOWN.

So no, Steel Vengeance will not be on this list. And it really breaks my heart!!

In no particular order, other than maybe the order in which they were ridden, here is my list with POVs!!

  1. Pantheon – Busch Gardens Williamsburg: I literally tried to tell this story to anyone who would listen when we came back from the trip. My mom totally cut me off when I tried talking about it the night we had cake for Chooch’s birthday because I guess she thinks this shit is so boring, lol. BUT NOT YOU, BLOG. Anyway, Pantheon had only been open for about a month when we rode it and you might think, “You ran all the way to this ride, almost passed out, only to be told it was down for testing and then proceeded to wait for 2 hours in line waiting for it to open, how was this a good experience?” IT.JUST.WAS. It made that first ride (first train of the day, front row!) so much more meaningful and memorable. We became pals with the ride ops, shared knowing laughs with the other people in line with us, collected inside jokes like Pokemon. It was such a highlight of our spring break trip and the coaster itself is PHENOMENAL. There is nothing else like it.

2. MAKO – Sea World Orlando: You guys is this my favorite hyper? I DON’T KNOW, MAYBE?!!? Hilariously, we thought this was Chooch’s 150th or 200th (I forget) coaster but of course his spreadsheet was wrong and it ended up being some kid coaster, lol. Anyway, this is making the list because toward the end of the night, the ride attendants let us stay on for like 3x in a row (and we probably could have cycled this even longer but dumb Henry was waiting for us off-ride because it was time to leave ugh).

3. VELOCICOASTER – UNIVERSAL: Yeah, this is a top 5 / top 3 coaster for me, fam. It is pretty much flawless. The queue was LIKE A WELL-OILED MACHINE, it kept people moving through so smoothly. The locker system? Mwah. The theming? Perfection. THE RIDE ITSELF? MIND-BLOWING. This was one of the coasters I was legit worried about when planning this trip because I thought for sure the lines would be out of control, but the longest we waited for this was probably 45 minutes. We rode it MULTIPLE times, front row, back row, in the morning, afternoon, night. Every single ride was ridiculous. Speechless. Believe the hype.

4. Iron Gwazi – Busch Gardens Tampa: Our spring break trip was really so fucking hype, I still think about it all of the time, especially this RMC MASTERPIECE. Ask me on a certain day and I might just say that this is my favorite coaster, not Steel Vengeance. (Actually, it’s neither of them because something changed for me this year and we will get to that shortly!) This coaster blew my mind. I can’t even explain it but I want to make a pilgrimage to Idaho and kneel at the feet of everyone inside the RMC headquarters. Honestly. It’s crazy because this POV looks like it runs so slow but in actuality it feels like this thing is trying to fucking kill you. Like, it has no right to do the shit it does.

5. Great White – Morey’s Piers: You guys. Riding an iconic wooden coaster that literally goes out over the beach in Wildwood, while Morey’s Piers is closed to the general public, and the only light is courtesy of the fucking moon? Uh, yes this is going to make it in my Top Whatever List of 2022. SUCH A VIBE.

6. El Toro – Six Flags Great Adventure:  Our luck with El Toro has been awful but three times was definitely the charm last August when we went to Great Adventure and FINALLY got to ride this. NUMEROUS TIMES. Honestly? This coaster was not even running to its potential* but it was STILL a crazy-good experience. Painful? OH FUCK YEAH. I had a wicked bruise on my elbow for days after. But true coaster psychopaths ride this bitch. The ride ops are fucking nuts. The station is CHAOS. Every fucking moment I spent on this thing was an experience. I will never ever ever forget the madness of musical seats, fighting to get a spot on the last train of the night. It was us and our people. Every single motherfucker in that station that night was CRAZY. I felt crazy, too! I had so much adrenaline from these cycling night rides that it was hard for me to even go to sleep that night. What an experience.

*(it actually got shut down ONE WEEK LATER after a bunch of riders got injured when it hit a POTHOLE in the track, way to care for your rides and patrons, Six Flags. I hope that Six Flags does the right thing and fixes this baby so that it can reopen and provide SAFE RIDES like Intamin intended. Also, I should note that this is basically the sister coaster to T-Express in Korea, the coaster that turned me into an enthusiast!!)

OK and now for my KING, my BAE, my OPPA. I truly believe this is my forever #1, especially after this season.

PHANTOM’S REVENGE. HOMEPARK PRIDE. I have raved about this steel god enough times on here that you have to know by now. I want out of town friends to visit me so that I can take them here and make them ride this because it is SHEER JOY and there is no other coaster like this in the world. It makes nearly every enthusiast’s Top 20/Top 50 list and it makes me so proud.

It just never gets old. The track is now purple, but here is an older POV. It doesn’t do this thing an ounce of justice.

Well, that’s all for today! Please, if you feel like it, tell me what your favorite coasters are! What’s your home park? Favorite park? Best coaster memory? I love reading these things!

 

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