Apr 032020

Look. I’m over this. All the days blend together. What did I do on Monday? THE SAME THING I DO EVERYDAY, APPARENTLY. So here are some highlights broken up into five categories I guess, because I have little left to give. Full day recaps? To quote the letter HNC wrote the landlord, “that ain’t happening.”


Chooch has been on a roll with the baking. Here are the delights he whipped up over the course the week. Not shown: the healthy banana pancakes he made for breakfast on Thursday which were delicious but the recipe told him to cook them for 3 minutes before flipping and we almost got smoked out of the house.

Healthy carrot muffins. God yes. 

Weight Watcher-approved lemon bars. I refuse to believe these were WW-approved, and I’m not doing WW or anything but I appreciate that Chooch considers the fact that I am uber-conscious about the food I eat, especially now that we’re on lockdown and overeating is soooo easy to succumb to. Trust me, I would love to sit around all day and snack but I have to try even harder now to not do that!

37-calorie brownies – these were a big hit!

He just needs to work on presentation, haha.


  • I lost my shit on Tuesday because Chooch watches Shane Dawson videos everyday (after like a three year hiatus!!), and if he’s not watching Shawn, he’s watching Shane’s boyfriend Ryland, whose stupid sister is always making appearances and I might perhaps hate her the most. So I banned all three of them from our house. “AND THEIR STUPID FUCKING FRIEND WITH THE GLASSES TOO!” “Garrett?!” Chooch cried. “Yes, that douchebag! I don’t want to fucking see his face or hear his voice!” “How do you even know him?” Chooch cried, and I screamed, “BECAUSE OF THAT ONE VIDEO WHERE RYLAND AND HIS DUMB SISTER TRY TO SPEND NOTHING FOR ONE DAY AND THEY GO TO HIS HOUSE AND HE MAKES THEM LUNCH FROM SHIT HE BOUGHT AT 7-ELEVEN AND MAKES THEM SIT ON THE FLOOR BC HE JUST CAME BACK FROM JAPAN.” Chooch’s face lit up with question marks. “You left that video on the TV the other day when you went to your room and your dad and I watched almost the whole thing because we had no COVID-motivation to turn it off!” Honestly, even if I have headphones on while I’m working, I can hear every single one of those idiots’ voices over top of it and it gets under my skin so much. WHY DO THEY SCREAM SO MUCH?! I HATE THEM! THEY ARE WORTHLESS! FAMOUS FOR ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!! 
  • Henry and Chooch fought over the carrots for the previously-mentioned carrot muffins.
  • HNC’S WIFE AND SLUT LIFE HAD A FIGHT WEDNESDAY EVENING FROM THEIR RESPECTIVE PORCHES!!! I couldn’t hear what was said because it was really windy and we live on a busy street, but I was excited to see a fight that complied with social distancing guidelines.
  • Me vs Henry, re: everything down to his breathing.
  • Chooch vs me, re: both of us knowing everything.


  • I miss my co-workers, but the ones I have at home are pretty great. Fine, even Chooch, who today said, “Teamwork makes the dream work” when I helped him fit some crap in his backpack. “Wow, that’s the second time I heard that since yesterday!” I laughed, and he said, “Yeah, I only said it because I heard someone say it on the work call you were on yesterday.” Ugh. I will say though that at least when I’m in the office, no one steals my seat if I get up for more coffee.

  • I mentioned already here that Tuesday was Cheryl’s last day so Amber arranged a virtual toast for her. It was super awkward, but I had luckily had done all of my crying earlier that day when Cheryl and I were emailing with each other for the last time. I chose strawberry soju for my toast of choice. It was a good decision.

  • I keep it cold enough in the house that a blanket is necessary, to help me feel like I’m actually in the office. 
  • Yeah, I have nothing exciting to say about work. We’re all kind of shell-shocked, I think. We have these check-in calls and everyone either seems starved for conversation or speechless. On one of the calls, one of my co-workers told this 15-minute long story about people hiding wine outside of her house, and something about Malort, I actually have no idea what was happening so we all just laughed nervously. It all happened so fast yet also dragged on for an eternity, please explain how that’s possible. Time is a mystery during a pandemic.


  • I can’t tell you how impeccable my timing was when I decided I wanted to carve out time for reading. Books have been my saving grace during lockdown At first, I was so sad that the library was closed, but then I remembered that Chooch has an old Kindle, so my new thing, while working through the stockpile I was able to check out from the library on that last day (I only have 4 more left though!!), is to download both the ebook and audio versions of books so that I can listen to them while I’m working. I HAVE to have the print copy of books in front of me while listening to them though because otherwise I will zone out and not pay attention. Obviously, I have to pause it a lot if I’m working on something that requires my undivided attention, but it has been going pretty well. I can’t do this in the office though because I like to be aware of my surroundings. I guess I’m just weird. 
  • I read two REALLY EXCELLENT books in a row, yesterday and today, and that has really given me life, you guys. I will talk about them in my APRIL book recap so look forward to that I guess? I busy myself by adding books to my “Want to read” shelf on Goodreads and watching BookTube videos to get hyped on new books. It’s really helping to distract me from the doom and gloom of the outside world.


  • I admit it, I’m fully depressed at this point. To be fair, I’m bipolar and my depression comes and goes like leaves in the wind (literally) so I could have been depressed right now even without a pandemic acting as a catalyst. But I am really struggling. I’m one of those people who are both introvert ad extrovert, depending on the situation, so the prospect of being housebound only appeals to a small percent of my brain, while the rest of me is like I NEED TO BE IN THE OFFICE. I NEED TO MAKE MY ROUNDS AND TALK TO MY BUDDIES. I NEED TO GO ON MY DOWNTOWN LUNCH WALKS AND SEE WHAT STRANGE INTERACTIONS BEFALL ME. I NEED TO JUST BE OUT WITH PEOPLE. It can be a very confusing and contrary way of life, but this who I am and I am suffering. I have little energy and have to force myself to exercise everyday, I am finding that I am clamming up when I’m on group calls at work even if I have things to say, which is strange because you’d expect me to start blurting my own versions of people hiding wine stories, and god knows I have neighborhood to say! But instead, I say nothing because I’m tired and my soul aches. I still manage to get dressed most days, but I have stopped caring about my nails, even. I’m just sad. 
  • Snail mail must be back in vogue now that everyone is housebound because both of our card shops have enjoyed a jump in sales. I’m about to look for penpals. 
  • Right now, we were supposed to have been on a plane to Frankfurt. I know that there are much more important things to care about right, like being thankful for good health, family/cats, and having a job, and that if we all come out of this OK, we’ll go another time. But it still adds to the depression because we worked so hard to save the money for that trip and I feel super antsy and caged-in. Anyway, I gave back my vacation days because I didn’t want to use them if we weren’t going anywhere, but I did keep today off. I mean, it was no different from every other day, except that I didn’t have to sit at my desk and work. Sigh.

  • But on a good miscellaneous note, we got take-out from Zenith because they had the super coveted TOFISHY sandwiches on the menu. This is my FAVORITE THING that Zenith makes and I pretty much inhaled it. No one told me to slow-down, so I ate with piggish abandon.
  • Meanwhile, Slut Life has a blue convertible now so his music will be even more audible as he peels in and out of the driveway a thousand times a day. SRSLY WHERE IS HE GOING?! We have no idea, but I guess no one told him about the Stay Home order. Most of the time, he is only gone for 10-15 minutes before he comes back again! Then he goes through the process of struggling to park his dumb car in the tiny garage, only to leave again in a few minutes!! He doesn’t seem like a drug dealer, so then I thought maybe he’s a pizza delivery guy? Like, maybe he works at one of the local pizzerias and they have him stay home because of social distancing and then they call him when an order is ready to be picked up? Maybe he’s Doordash or Grub Hub? I mean, he’s not going far! 
  • I’m still on an MTV Challenge kick. I was watching some old highlight reel and Henry laughed quietly and whispered to himself, “Abram!” like he was delighted to see an old friend. Then he goes, “IS THAT BETH?” It’s so funny when Henry knows their names, lol. 
  • This song is really good. There’s a small guitar solo in it that has Chuck Mangione vibes and transports me back to the 80s, sitting in a booth at the Blue Flame with my pappap. Chuck Mangione came on the radio there a lot, at least in my memories.

OMG I’m so fucking sad. 

Feb 132020

I am a tightly-wound ball of nervous energy this week. Let’s bullet it out.

  • Yesterday, I was waiting for the elevator to go down to the lobby. One of the mail room guys was waiting with me, but he was going up. When one of the elevators stopped, he held the door open and said, “This one’s yours!” I was like “Thanks Mister” but as I stepped onto the elevator and watched the doors slowly close, it occurred to me that in the 10 years I’ve been working in this building, I still have no idea how to determine if an elevator is going up or down.
  • Last month, I splurged and bought a bunch of pins from Etsy. These pins are Korea-specific and they’re sold by an ex-pat living in Seoul. I mean, she has Seoul subway station pins, one of which happens to be the line we used every single day on our last visit – we stayed right off of the Hongik University stop! I honestly burst into tears when this package arrived the other day and I started digging through everything. I’m wearing the Ghost Face and Michael Myers ones to work for Valentines Day!

  • Speaking of Valentines Day, I started to make department-specific Valentines to pass out at work but then I stopped. I’m tired. My brain hurts. Only 1/4 of the people there would even appreciate it anyway. Besides, we were very nearly in over our heads with our actual card business this season so I didn’t really have the time or energy anyway. This was the best season we’ve had yet! I am so grateful and humbled that perfect strangers out there like the stuff I design, and rave over and over in the feedback they leave over the quality of Henry’s work. We really care about our products and the last thing I want is to send someone something that’s sub-par. I’m glad that our customers recognize this! But at the same time, it will be nice to have a clean dining room table now that our busy season is over, oof.
  • Have you seen Parasite yet? How much did you love it? I am having the most fun watching videos of the cast and crew celebrate and the least fun every time I run into a comment saying that BTS paved the way. Please, BTS is not the be-all end-all of South Korea. Anyway, how fucking great are these movie posters for it? I want them all on my wall, to be honest:

  • I am still on a heavy reading kick. I’m sure a slump will hit me here soon, but I am really enjoying the excitement of picking up requested books at the library and getting recommendations from Booktube, but I gotta say, the last several horror recs I got from Booktubers (such a stupid term), have been pretty bad. Are my standards just that high? I mean, I’m not some literary snob and I am the LAST person who will turn down a cute/fun/teenager love Young Adult novel, so I don’t think my standards or expectations in general are lofty. I just really am craving GOOD HORROR but man, I have read some doosies this month. I’ll have a full recap at the end of the month, but the last one I finished yesterday had me so angry. Henry was like, “Wow.” But at least he didn’t tell me to calm down (UGH) or snidely suggest that I just write my own.

  • I was inspired to clean off my old painting desk the other day. It had becomes a catch-all for folded laundry that I didn’t care to put away; old, dried-up paint brushes; layers and layers of dust. So I dusted off my clowns, readjusted the picture frames, and tossed all the old art stuff because let’s be honest, I’m not sure when the painting bug will bite me again and even if it was tomorrow, I’d still have to get new supplies anyway because I’m the worst at taking care of that shit. I pointed out my cleaned off desk to Henry, and the first thing he said wasn’t the “good job” I was craving, but a nit-picky, “There’s still paint on it though…?” YEAH, IT’S A SOUVENIR. AN HOMAGE TO MY PAST SELF. GOD-uh.
    • Penelope was like “Woo hoo, I can sit up here again.”
    • Coincidentally, right after I tossed all my supplies, people started asking me to do art shit for them and saying no felt so empowering. I used to hate saying no and I RELISH IT. Like, I want to squirt my “no”s on a fucking vegan hotdog and eat it in front of the people asking. MMMMMMMMMMnonononono.
  • HEY GUYS remember a few weeks ago when I got all nostalgic about pagers? NO? YOU DON’T READ EVERY SINGLE BLOG I PUBLISH? I mean, it’s cool. We all have lives. I get it. You can click that link and read up, maybe during The Bachelor commercial breaks (do people still watch The Batchelor? Do people still watch any TV in real time?). Anyway! a few days after I wrote about that, my old friend Shawn from high school sent me this picture on Instagram and I died. Page me sometime:

Embarrassingly/shamefully, I had to crop this picture because this was back in the 90s when I thought it was super cute to tell everyone they were a gaybo; wow I was a real peach. So cool. Very edgy. Ugh, thank god I don’t have any political aspirations.

  • Henry gave me an early Valentine’s Day present last night by way of booking our flights for our next trip! No, not Korea this year. :( But we’re going to be spending Easter break in Germany/Luxembourg/Belgium/The Netherlands – of course this was all my idea and the main reason I wanted to go is because there are some theme parks in that region of Europe that I desperately want to go to, but it will also be Chooch’s first time in these countries so I wanted to make sure that he actually gets to SEE STUFF while we’re there, so I whittled the list down to the three I most want to go to. (Henry is so excited.) Our itinerary is still very fluid at this point, but it’s looking like we will be spending Easter at the park that inspired this entire trip: Efteling. I AM SO EXCITED!!

Image result for efteling

Image result for efteling

AHHHH!!! After my boss Amber approved my days off, she was like, “Where are you guys going?” and when I said, “Remember last year when I sent you that website for the weird fairytale amusement park in The Netherlands….” and she was like, “Oh for God’s sake!” Haha.

Well, cook on, mothercheffers!


Jan 302020

These bulletpoints are brought to you by: lack of sleep, Fran Drescher’s bray, and the Korean letter ㅊ which always reminds me of those weird twig-person things from The Blair Witch Project which, coincidentally, I made a bunch of several years ago when I decorated my co-worker Mitch’s office with a “Blair Mitch” theme for Halloween and several of my work friends kept the twig-things as a souvenir of my Halloween Reign of Terror so I see them every day.


(See also: this blog post.)

  • On Monday, Blake texted Henry and told him that the coroners were on our street, pulling a body out of a house. Chooch didn’t have school that day so I started bombarding him with texts because I was freaking out, man. He was about as interested as you’d imagine a 13-year-old with a brand new iPhone 11 and Nintendo Switch might be. He sent me a picture of the forensics truck in the neighbor’s driveway and left it at that. All Henry and I could figure was that it was the house next to Hot Naybor Chris’s, where Chooch’s buddy lives with his grandparents, but there are two other units in  that house, so an older woman also lives there, and this mysterious girl who looks like she could be in her mid-20s or 40s, because, well, drugs. We also have suspicion that she was providing various, you know, services. Just last week, the first responders were there but it didn’t seem like anything major happened so we stopped peeking out of the window and WOW I AM BASICALLY JUST LIKE MY AUNT SHARON AT THIS POINT IN MY LIFE. Anyway, I begged Henry to text Hot Naybor Chris, who immediately called him and knew nothing because he hadn’t been home all day, so he said never fear, he’d send his wife to question one of the residents (provided she wasn’t already busy yelling at people for taking her parking spot.) She reported back the next day that it was the girl, and she OD’d. FUCKING DRUGS. I am so pissed off about this. It’s extremely disconcerting knowing that someone died in that way only two houses up from us, and yet life goes on. So fucked up. I didn’t know her, and only saw her several times over the summer when she would run across the street in see-thru dresses and jump into the car of whatever John was there to pick her up that evening, but it makes me feel super depressed.
    • Speaking of sadness and depression, I’ve definitely got it because I spent a good 90 minutes on Sunday crying violently over the death of Kobe Bryant, and you need to know that I was not a fan of his, and basically ambivalent toward him in general, but the news alert rocked me in a way that I cannot explain which is how I know that my heart and brain were looking for a reason to cry it out. Sometimes you just gotta cry.
  • The one thing I was looking forward to all weekend was Cafe Day with Chooch and Henry, and Henry even said I could interrogate him for a Henry’s Coffee Klatch-type of blog post, but then the combination of my heightened sensitivity (see above bullet) and Chooch’s teenage mean streak made me have an emotional break down while waiting for our coffee at Reginald’s, which was really Sad Times because that place was cute, the seasonal latte choices were unique (I got the winter spice, which had ginger, cinnamon, orange zest and “more,” whatever that means, but it was fucking delicious and not overly sweet or syrupy), and my friend Chris’s honey was available there! Oh well, maybe we’ll go for a do-over sometime soon and leave Mean Chooch at home.

  • Speaking of coffee though, the day before, I had my weekly meeting with Jiyong at Panera. Henry drove me there because we needed to go shopping in that area afterward and you know, One Car Family. But now that he’s on the precipice of coffee addiction, he decided to come in with me and get a cold brew. I think Jiyong initially thought he was going to stay there the whole time and maybe she was contemplating charging for Korean lessons now that it was turning into more of a classroom, but I was like, “NO HE IS NOT STAYING, EW!” because no way. While Henry and I were standing in line to order, I noticed that there was some type of friendly exchange going on with the guy who was ordering, the cashier, and the people in front of us, but I couldn’t figure out what was happening and Henry is deaf and oblivious and also  too distracted looking at the pastries, so he was no help in my investigation. Anyway, after we placed our order, we found out what the commotion was: some dude left his change with the cashier to pay it forward, and apparently the people in front of us decided to pass it on to us and HENRY ACCEPTED IT which I think he should not have because we didn’t NEED to use it and I very quickly became overcome with guilt and dwelled upon it for the remainder of the day.
  • Guys! Suddenly, I like basketball:

I’m so excited that G-Dragon’s in America right now!!! I had a dream two nights ago that he was my boyfriend and it was the sweetest, most pure dream ever and I was in such a great mood the whole next day. Apparently, they even played his song “Superstar” during the game and he was cutely embarrassed I LOVE HIM SO MUCH.

  • We’re in the thick of our “busy season” for serial killer Valentines, so I told Henry I would make my own dinner in order to keep him chained to his work station, making cards. But “making dinner” started with me turning on the kettle to heat water for some instant noodle cup thing and then whining because it looked unsatisfying so Henry was like, “put an egg in it” and I was like, “OK you do that” and then I exchanged places with him and now he’s in the kitchen enhancing my bland Whole Foods instant pad thai thing OK never mind he just brought it out to me and he somehow managed to make it worse, so cereal it is.

In other news, I have been very diligent with reading since I set my goal at the beginning of the month! Since tomorrow is the last day of January, I think I will do a quick recap of the books I read this month. Speaking of, I AM GOING TO GO AND READ MORE OF MY LAST BOOK FOR JANUARY!

Jan 032020

It’s a rainy day, I’m working late shift, and a T-ara playlist is blasting behind me on YouTube. Overall, not the worst Friday. Here are 5 things off the top of my head that I feel like memorializing on this damn thing:


Last week, Henry ordered some shit on Amazon and Chooch and I were bugging out because he usually only buys greeting card-making supplies (like double-sided tape and envelopes, boring and boringer) and end of the year shit to use up his FSA (like bandaids and thermometers, lame and lamer); but this time, the stuff was for us! Allegedly, one of the things was a case for Chooch’s Switch and nail polish for me! I couldn’t believe it because I had JUST announced that I loved the nail polish I saw an ad for on Instagram and Henry rarely takes note of these purposely-planned outbursts! However, when the packages arrived over the weekend, we were pissed because:

  • the Switch case was not the one Chooch showed Henry
  • the nail polish was not the cool one I saw on Instagram,  just some rando L’oreal one that I added to the cart years ago because it was one of my favorite shades that I couldn’t find in the store anymore.

So of course, Chooch and I ran our mouths about this because we’re bitch babies and Henry flipped out and ranted about how we’re fucking spoiled brats who don’t deserve anything and I know there are at least two people hate-reading this blog who have set down the voodoo doll long enough to applaud Henry for calling us out but here’s where they’re going to be RILL MAD: Several days later, it was New Years’s Eve and Henry called on his way home from work to say he was going to the store. He asked if we needed anything and Chooch screamed in the background, “Ooh, toy! Tell him to get me a toy!” so I said, “Chooch wants a toy. Get me one, too.”


To be fair, they were on sale for 75% off at Rite-Aid, but what a nice surprise! Chooch has played with that damn dinosaur a concerning amount for a 13-year-old, and I haven’t made any bows yet but I’m going to this weekend because then I’ll be a third of the way to competing my exercise costume!

(Literally, as I’m typing this, another fucking Amazon shipment came, this one was A HEATING PAD. Now we have THREE. Henry says it’s because I keep using them as heated blankets and breaking them, haha I would never.)

2. NYE

Did you guys do anything crazy on New Year’s Eve? We just hung at home, indulged Chooch by playing games which is honestly all he wants from us as parents, I swear, I got drunk off two glasses of wine and then made Henry exercise, and then we watched some of the end of the year kpop shows on YouTube. We put regular TV on for the ball drop, but it was anticlimactic as always and a far cry from the time I ran around outside wearing a pig mask, screaming HAPPY OINKIN’ NEW YEAR and causing Henry to lock me out of the house, haha.

3. When the Camellia Blooms

As you know, I primarily watch Korean dramas. I like being able to yell, “WE WERE THERE!” when I recognize scenery, I love the sound of the language and the moments when I’m able to understand without the aid of subtitles (rare, but it does happen!), I love the storylines (there is almost always a serial killer arc that comes out of nowhere even in the midst of the cutest rom coms), but mostly I just the acting/characters. I grow so attached to even the most remote supporting cast, more so than I do with American TV shows where I’m usually willing some of the main cast to die. Anyway, I am here to say that without a doubt, the best one I watched in 2019, IN MY OPINION, was “When the Camellia Blooms.” Holy shit, there are so many quality characters to latch on to with this one and I have been hounding Janna to watch it (JANNA DID YOU START WATCHING IT YET??). It’s on Netflix, guys, no excuses – go watch it! IF YOU CAN READ A BOOK, A MAGAZINE, FACEBOOK, THE BACK OF A CEREAL BOX, then there is no reason why you can’t watch a TV show with subtitles. Just speaking to all the GLENNS out there.

Henry and I watched the final episode last week and I had to hide my face with a pillow because I was crying so hard—that’s not to say that this show is a sob fest! I just get really emotional. Please watch this show. It’s absolutely lovely and I need to add the town where it was filmed to my Korea 2021 trip, haha, knock on wood.


I pride myself on the quality of my greeting cards and my customer service (I literally go too far above and beyond, it’s a problem), and whenever I get good reviews, I am so thrilled! Today, I got a really good one that made my EFFING DAY because I am stupidly giddy when I write the descriptions to my products:

THANK YOU, CUSTOMER LAUREN! It’s nice to be appreciated! And this is really the only time I put those writing “skills” to use anymore, so it’s good to know that people are reading it, as I sit here tip-tapping away in my brokedown Internet diary.

(Honestly though, the quality of my cards is really really really good!)


You know how people are always like “but ok, go off” on the Internet? Or maybe I just run with a certain e-crowd. Anyway, a few weeks ago, I was reading replies to something on Twitter on the way to work and someone was like “but ok, cook on.” I LATCHED ON TO THIS SO HARD. COOK ON! It sounds so great and it’s still kind of shitty without using swears or whatever which I guess that’s something I’m trying to dial back – my swears. So now I say this ALL THE TIME to Henry and Chooch and they are so tired of it that they literally grumble now and walk away while I’m yelling, “OK COOK ON!” after them. The other night, I said it to super haughtily to Henry and I swear he said “cook off” to me and I couldn’t stop laughing but then it turned out he only said “fuck off” which was way less funny and when I tried to give Chooch a recap of this convo the next morning, he scowled and said, “Yeah I know, I heard you last night. You were like, screaming about it and it wasn’t that funny.” WOW.

Anyway, the other day, out of the blue, I screamed, “OMG MY BLOG SIGN OFF CAN BE ‘COOK ON, MOTHERCHEFFERS!'”

“No,” Chooch said, never looking up from his Switch.

“……………………..” <—-that was Henry’s response when I ran it past him.

Whatever – those assholes are just jealous because I have such a colorful vernacular.

Well, on that note, COOK ON, MOTHERCHEFFERS!!!!

Nov 202019

Pull up a (toilet) seat.

  • It snowed one day last week and I think the general consensus here in Pittsburgh was one giant, jutted middle finger. Not only did it snow, but it was all gray skies and complete mid-January desolation out there, except that it’s still November and we want to be enjoying the blue skies and orange and yellow leaves, you know? Get the fuck off my lawn, snow.
    • There is always That One Person on Instagram though who is like “SNOW! YIPPEE!” So annoying.
  • Speaking of being miserable, I fell this morning walking up the steps at Wood Street Station. I wasn’t running. I didn’t have wack shoes on. I wasn’t looking at my phone. I didn’t slip on a banana peel. I just…missed the step and before I knew it, I was being felled like a thick tree in an urban forest, baby. I bounced back up just as quickly as I fell, but it didn’t matter – the damage had been done. I quickly whispered, “Oh jeez!” over my shoulder and laugh-winced, but I wasn’t brave enough to look all the way behind me to see the extent of the witnesses. Of course, not a single motherfucker even asked if I was OK, but it’s fine. I’m fine. My hand hurts a little from where I caught myself on the edge of the step, but it’s my ego really took the brunt of it, lol.
    • Well, now I can never ride that trolley again. I guess I will start taking the one that comes right before my usual one. Bye-bye, Carrot. (That’s a guy who rides the same T as me and always tries to shoulder his way on before me and also he smells like wet carrots boiling in a pot.)
    • At least my super-supportive co-workers helped me laugh about it this morning and by that I mean they made fun of me. It’s cool. I earned it.

  • I bought some old man chicken noodle soup after work one night a few weeks ago and at least three times a week, I remember him and hope that the soup was good. His name was Everett. He’s a veteran and recently had surgery on his leg and was still wearing the hospital bracelet and then asked me to slow down because I was walking too fast when we were going to Noodles. Anyway, my point is: I fed a stranger and still fell in public.
    • Today on my lunch walk, I picked up a piece of plastic that was blowing down the sidewalk and threw it away in a nearby garbage can so maybe I’ll choke on a fake-ham sandwich as my penance in the next few days.

  • My new torture tactic for Chooch is to make him read old blog posts of mine AND also comment on them. I sent him one that included the picture above (one of my favorite THE SERVICE-era Henry photos!) and then chanted, “DID YOU READ IT YET DID YOU READ IT YET ARE YOU READING IT” and then I heard him giggle and I screamed, “WHAT PART IS IT?!” Maybe when he’s an adult, he’ll appreciate these old dumb blog posts about our road trips more. Anyway, he did comment, but all he said was “wow” and “that was” and “so funny” in three separate comments. He’s so rude.
  • Guys, Henry did a deep-dive into WayV, the Chinese subunit of NCT127, last night because he was inspired to find out where each member was born. That is how Yang Yang accidentally became his bias. (“Oh wow, Yang Yang lived in Germany and can speak German, Korean, Cantonese, Mandarin, and English!” Henry declines from behind his phone. Honestly though how buttery is this WayV song though:

  • I accidentally talked to Blake the other night outside of the house because I forgot that I was still mad at him over the cheesecake he ate that wasn’t his. When we were at Dorney Park on the carousel, Chooch was like, “That guy looks like Blake” and nodded toward a man standing in line and I said, “I’m sorry, I have no basis of comparison since that man isn’t eating someone else’s cheesecake.” I LOVE BEING PETTY!! It’s basically my best quality. I try to bring up the cheesecake every chance I get.

  • Margie had to get thumb surgery last week so I decided she needed something to spruce up her ace bandage. I knew I had leftover Jesus stickers somewhere from when I had an Easter egg hunt at work several years ago (actually, looking up the blog post for that reminded me that I actually did this two years in a row—wow, I used to be creative and fun at work once) and I found them in a box that I never unpacked from my last desk move because I was too “……..” to unpack fully. So I got to adorn Margie’s wound-koozie with a Jesus Loves You sticker and also adorn my little side desk thingie with my old Xmas decor that I completely forgot that I had! It was also a nice opportunity to toss all the dumb Jonny Craig ornaments I made back then when I used to put up a tree. But yeah! Here’s all my Xmas shit! Those voodoo Santas are still faves of mine. I made them using a tutorial that my friend Brandy did a million blog-years ago. 
  • I was off on Monday and listless and depressed, so what a great time to catch up on “This Is Us” which always is so upsetting because it makes me think about Henry dying and then I get totally clingy which is NOT A GREAT LOOK FOR ME and Henry is always just like, “You’re scaring me” and then it’s just a domino effect of hysterics after that until I’m screaming about how I want to lose 30 million more pounds and then having surgery to get rid of all my weird parts, to which Henry calmly responded, “So…your brain?” Wow, I set myself up for that one.

Well, that’s all my brain can withstand for now. I’m still trying to piece the bits of my head back together after it exploded Sunday night when I saw LEE TAEMIN. Perhaps one day I will find the strength to write about it. #drama

Oct 252019

Well, this was supposed to be last Friday’s “Friday Five” thingie but I’m a scattered mess inside that head of mine. So let’s try this again for today, I guess. Also, I’m pretty sure I’ve used a similar Friday 5 title in the past. Oh well.


Remember when I missed my dentist appointment last year and panicked and then had to go and find a new dentist because I could never show my face there again? (Oh, you would have just called, apologized, and scheduled a new appointment? WELL AREN’T YOU RATIONAL AND BALANCED.)

Well, my new dentist (the one I think I have a crush on) referred me to a periodontist. Dentist #1 did x-rays two years ago so Dentist #2 said that we could probably get away with just using those rather than deal with insurance blah-blah, so I was like, “Fine I guess I will call Dentist #1 and get my records.” Dentist #1’s office was like, “Yeah you have to come in here and sign a release for that.” UGH.

So I went in there last week, hoping to sign the thing and flee, but as the receptionist was pulling up my records from the filing cabinet, a lady was sitting at a computer in the corner and apparently had been listening so she pulled my records on up the computer and exclaimed, “This xray is from two years ago! Why do you want this!?” and that’s when I realized that it was The Dentist so now I had to actual FACE HER and tell her that my new dentist had referred me to a periodontist and thought we could get away with using them and she was like, “WHO IS THE DENTIST” and I was like, “BITCH WHY” except that really, I meekly mumbled his name and then she asked me who the periodontist is and when I told her, she sucked in some air through her teeth and exchanged an “oh boy” look with the receptionist, prompting me to ask, “What? What? WHAT?” until she finally shrugged and said, “Well, I don’t like to talk bad…OK he’s just…not that GOOD” and I was like, “……” and then she was like, “Would you mind if I gave you my own referrals?” and I was like, “WTF is happening here” because the vibe got SO HEAVY AND ELECTRIC like everything else in the world had just stopped and now this strange dental dance was playing out in front of me.

I let her give me some referral cards and then of course this sent me into a spiral because WHAT IF I MAKE THE WRONG CHOICE and it was already so difficult to get a consultation to begin with and that appointment is coming up in two weeks and OMG I HATE ORAL ISSUES. Meanwhile, the receptionist was all, “So, why are you leaving us anyway?” and it turned into this super uncomfortable “it’s not you it’s me” routine and I was sweating and tugging at my collar.

Then I got home and it occurred to me that Dentist #1 is the reason I have to go to the periodontist in the first place because one of the procedures they performed on me was apparently inadequate and I have to have it done again. UGH.


A few weeks ago (because that’s how behind I am at blogging!), we were just hanging out after work when someone knocked on the door. I fled immediately, as I do when there comes a knock upon the door. From my perch on the steps with our cat Drew, who also runs when she hears the sinister knocks of villains, I heard Henry saying, “I’m making dinner right now.” And then he repeated it. And then again. And again. And each time, whoever was at the door kept saying, “It’ll just take 2 seconds.” I was like, “Shit, who the fuck is at the door being so persistent, is Chooch selling cookie dough again?”

Turns out, it was some guy from Direct Energy and instead of just saying “No” or “I’m not interested,” he lead the guy on by making it sound like he just didn’t have time to talk to him right now, so when he finally shut the door on him, the guy CONTINUED TO STAND ON OUR PORCH and I know this because I could see his creepy silhouette and I was angry because I wanted to come back out of hiding and drink my coffee which was getting cold on the coffee table.

So Henry sighed, came back out of the kitchen, opened the door and said, “I’m cooking dinner” and the guy was like, “It’ll only take 2 seconds” and JUST LIKE THAT the whole weird door-to-door energy song and dance picked right back up. I was like JUST SAY NO, BRO and Henry finally got him to leave and I said, “Haley was outside on her porch the whole time, why didn’t he just go and give her his spiel?” So Henry then lectured me because the only reason these people come to our house is because I’m constantly coerced into signing up for things.

Then Henry acted SHOCKED when he CAME BACK an hour later, but he never told him NO! This time, Chooch was home and answered the door and the guy was like, “Your dad told me to come back after he made dinner” which was FALSE but ok so Chooch was like, “HEY HENRY GET DOWN HERE AND TALK TO THIS GUY” but Henry was like, “Not gonna.”

I’m in the kitchen washing dishes and I look out and see that the guy is still standing on the porch. I told Chooch, “Tell that guy to leave” and he was like, “NO HE’S NICE AND I FEEL BAD” so I told Chooch, “Look, just do what all of us adults do in these situations – lie. LIE THROUGH YOUR FUCKING TEETH, SONNY BOY. GOD WILL FORGIVE YOU.” Chooch told the guy that his dad wasn’t home and the guy repeated, “He told me to come back after dinner” like that’s an actual time on the clock, but Chooch was like, “OK cool but he’s not here, so…” The guy said, “OK buddy, I’ll just go and do something else and come back.” NO PLZ DON’T! (He didn’t. Yet.)


One day after school, Chooch super-casually me that there was an incident with the bus driver on the first day of Gifted. Chooch has gifted every Friday, but it’s off-site at the Gifted Center so the students from his school that attend that program get shuttled there on a school bus. “So, Trevor and I were just talking and apparently the bus driver thought it was ‘too loud’ so he pulled the bus over and yelled at us.” Chooch said that they made “HNGGGGGH” faces at each other and then apologized. But then, at end of day the students from Chooch’s school were stranded because the bus driver never showed. They had to wait for a back-up bus to arrive and when they got back to their school, the principal off-handedly mentioned that the bus driver from that morning didn’t show up BECAUSE HE QUIT.

“BECAUSE OF YOU!?” I cried.

“I guess,” Chooch shrugged. “He was really mad that morning and was yelling about how we were going to have to spend all year together.”

“Exactly how loud were you talking?!”

“I don’t know, like this…” and then he demonstrated a raised-voiced conversation similar to a businessman trying to talk over top of a woman in the boardroom, but something tells me there is more to the story than that.

Anyway, a few weeks later, that bus driver came back and Chooch said that he and Trevor are “super quiet” around him now.

Why am I having Billy Madison visions?

Oh, here’s Penelope.


Well, here’s another tale about my son because, friendly reminder, I’m a mom.

The other night, Chooch and I were out on a walk when he mentioned that he has to write a three-page essay about a moment that changed his life. So I’m walking along, mind swimming with all sorts of instances involving me and my awesome ideas and super fun parenting, thinking that maybe he’ll choose the moment he went to the DMZ in Korea or the time the singer from Emarosa got him to crowd-surf at one of their shows when he was like 9, or the moment he realized he loves math.

“So I knew right away—” he started, and I’m like, “Oh here it is! This is going to be so profound!”

“–that it was the time I watched that episode of ‘How I Met Your Mother’ where Lily is a loud chewer because that’s when I realized that OMG I hate the sound of chewing! Honestly, there are times when I sit in the backseat during roadtrips and cry.”



But three pages though?

Anyway, he changed it to the moment he went from the general population opinion of “yay rollercoasters” to the coaster enthusiast battle-cry of “HOLY FUCKING SHIT IT’S AN RMC IBOX, GOTTA GET THAT COASTER CRED, HOLD MY SLUSHIE.”

So, we’ll see how that goes.

I get so excited when I’m watching a K-Drama and see a place I’ve been! Shout out to the DDP, what what.


Last Saturday, we were en route to a haunted house and passed a spot where there used to be a mini-golf place, which got me thinking about how my ex, Psycho Mike, and I were obsessed with playing mini golf this one summer, I think it was 1997 when I was 17/18. We liked it so much that we tried to go every mini golf place we could find in the—-wait for—-Yellow Pages. Sometimes this would bite us in the ass because we’d drive all  this way and it wasn’t a mini golf place anymore, but you know, who has to call ahead, amirite.

Then I remembered the time that I brought my old pet Pacman frog, Hubert, to play with us. I had a little portable aquarium for him and it was probably terrible to tote him around but I was a dumb kid who had no business raising a frog.

“Anyway,” I told Henry after taking a big breath because you’ve probably never heard me tell a story but I get really excited and start speed-talking. “Hubert ‘won’ and Mike got so pissed!”

Henry took his eyes off the road long enough to toss me a concerned frown.

“I KNOW RIGHT??” I screamed, but turns out, Henry was frowning about the part where I brought my frog to play mini-golf.

(Seriously though, Mike was SO ANGRY and I remember fighting about it for the rest of the night because that’s the kind of great fucking boy I was dating, and this is not a domestic violence joke but the truth: I probably for sure dodged a bullet by getting out of that relationship.)

Later that week, I felt inspired to dig around my old stuff to see if I still had the score card because, since mini golf was our game, I kept all that shit. And yep, still have it, stapled to a journal that he and I shared which honestly gave me PTSD-shakes when I opened it so I should probably burn it or drop kick it off a bridge but: the environment, and also, I am a memorabilia pack rat.

Don’t ask why I called myself “Bitch” other than I was 17 & dumb and also a pretty big bitch.

At work earlier this week, I was telling Todd this story because he LOVES Vintage Erin yarns.

“I have a picture of the score card for proof,” I said, scrolling through my camera roll.

“Oh, I believe you!” Todd laughed. “Taking a frog to play mini golf definitely sounds like something you would do.” He then went on to say that he’s also not surprised that I a mini golf maniac, since there is always something I’m 100% gung-ho about.

And oh boy, was I gung-ho about mini-golf. Now I can barely stand it.


Oct 062019

Hey babes (???), I was sick from Thursday morning until, well, I’m still kinda sick (we’re at Slim-Fast-flavored cough phase) and basically my life is just wasting away because Henry was all YOU NEED TO REST and I really don’t know how to do that but I did try a little.

Apparently, if I had rested like real people and like, slept a lot, I might be better right now. That’s what Dr. Henry told me.

Here’s a sicko bullet point post because I feel like it’s been a while since we bulleted on through a blog post, right?

  • This is a picture of me from earlier in the week when I was not sick and I wore my SMTown Museum badge as an accessory because I thought Key from SHINee looked nice next to my yellow shirt and I do what I want, boy.
  • On Thursday, I started to watch Dead To Me on Netflix because I needed something in English since I was too sickly to worry about subtitles. I finished it on Saturday and that is how you know I’ve been sick because I am soooo not a binge-watcher, my friends. In good health, it would probably take me about a month to finish a season of a TV show. I love Christina Applegate.

  • My pal Chris and his daughter Katelyn stopped by one night last week, pre-Plague, and dropped off three complimentary coupons for us to use this weekend at Castle Blood’s friends and family event! I felt so honored and grateful that we were being included in this, and I still can’t believe that I am now friends with the masterminds behind one of my favorite haunted houses of all time. I got a second wind after my late shift on Friday so we went out to the Castle and had one of the best times ever—this year’s theme IS SO GOOD and I will be posting about that separately sometime soon, but I am admittedly drowning in blog posts.
  • Chooch just started watching The Good Place and got to the episode where Adam Scott and some of the Bad Place people visit and they’re all assholes who mock people and Chooch screamed, “THAT IS LITERALLY YOU!” to me, and I can’t deny it. I remember watching this episode and thinking that my life was being spied on because the Bad Place people is like the perfect television representation of how I verbally treat Henry everyday.

  • I bought the scarf in Incheon’s Chinatown! That’s all.

  • I saw this picture on the teen center’s IG and I started cracking up because when Chooch came home that day, I did a double take and asked, “Did you…get your haircut?” and he just casually was like, “Yeah” and then started talking about things and I cracked up because it’s so hilarious to me that he’s so independent and smart in so many ways but then he still asks us whose name goes on a card envelope- his or the recipient’s. Literally this just happened again two weeks ago. How is so smart but so dumb?! Maybe I should start making Common Sense quizzes for him.

  • On Friday, I had to walk to the post office to mail some card orders because Henry didn’t care that I was sick, he still left them for me to handle, what a horrible business partner. Anyway, my favorite mail clerk Maureen was working. I used to not like her but I think that now that I’m getting older, I really see a lot of myself in her which is actually not a great thing but I kind of want to be a brash old lady when I grow up. On this particular day, there were two even older ladies in line in front of me and they both had questions about Xmas stamps and this just really set Maureen off to the point where she started complaining to me about them BEFORE THEY EVEN LEFT THE POST OFFICE! Also, it was only FIFTEEN MINUTES INTO HER SHIFT and she was already acting like an entire hornet’s nest was stuffed down her pants. God, I love her. She looked at me and said disgustedly, “You know, some days I drive to work and ask Mary to please let me see her son in the faces of my customers.” I ALMOST PEED MY PANTS. This lady hates her job so much but she is so accidentally hilarious in her cynical rants that I really think she should have a podcast or a YouTube channel because she is amazing. She likes me though because I always bring a scan sheet so she doesn’t have to stand there and scan all of my individual envelopes. Then she started bitching about how some kids were riding their bikes along the handicap ramp in front of the post office and she went out to tell them to stop and the one kid was like, “I KNOW HOW TO CONTROL MY BIKE” and she was like, “CLEARLY NO ONE HAS TAUGHT YOU TO RESPECT YOUR ELDERS SO WHY DON’T YOU STAND THERE AND KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT” and I was like OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD I hope it wasn’t my kid, but when I asked him about it, he said that he doesn’t ride his bike anywhere on that sidewalk because the guy at the bike place told him that curbs will ruin his handlebars or something but I wasn’t listening because I started picturing Chooch as a future Pee Wee going to Chuck’s Bike-o-Rama.

Related image

  • Well, SuperM tickets went on sale yesterday at 10am and I was a BAG OF NERVES waiting in that fucking Ticketmaster queue. Oh god do I miss the old days when I went to tiny shows in clubs and could just buy a ticket at the door and still get in the front row if I wanted. Kpop is next level. It’s like 1980s NKOTB-level of ticket-acquiring insanity and I hate it so much. I kept looking at my FitBit and my heart rate at once point was 135, I am the most pathetic! Henry and I both logged in and counted down at the same time, and I managed to get in first and snag decent floor seats that were in my price-range. So on November 17th, I will finally be seeing LEE TAEMIN for the first time ever in Fairfax, Virginia and also I’m so FUCKING HAPPY THAT IT’S NOT NEWARK FOR GODDAMN ONCE!

Well, on that note, I’m still weak-ish and have nothing else to report since I only left the house twice since Wednesday. I have no idea what I even wrote in this stupid thing. Enjoy!!!


 Posted by at 12:18 pm  Comments Off on Sick Thoughts
Aug 302019

I’m always so happy to make it to Friday – doesn’t it feel like a VICTORY? Here are five  things that have happened since last Friday because contrary to popular belief, I actually am back to living  my life in Pittsburgh and not still stuck inside my head with Korea memREEZ. :(


I dragged Henry to Ikea on Saturday because I am sick of a lot of things in our house and we are slowly trying to upgrade all our shit so we’ll eventually be living less like college kids and maybe more like whatever comes after millenials. I can’t keep up with the lingo.

The first thing that I was adamant about replacing was our computer desk. LET ME TELL YOU A STORY ABOUT THE COMPUTER DESK.

Henry and I bought it at Ikea (“Someone tell these people there are other furniture places out there”) a long ass time ago, definitely before Chooch was born. I want to say possibly 16 years ago. That’s a long-ass time ago so you would probably agree that it needed replaced by now, but in actuality, it needed replaced the VERY DAY WE GOT IT.

So, this desk was like a big kidney-shaped plastic thing that I chose because, well, it looked cool. But it was always an awkward fit and never had a really good place in the house. But in addition to that, the day we brought it home, Henry had all of the pieces out of the box and was perusing the instructions, when MARCY (RIP sweet evil baby) strutted over, jumped onto the dining room table, against which the top of the new desk was leaning, and with one swift flick of her paw, she knocked the desk-top onto the floor.

No big deal, right? WRONG. The desk, like I mentioned before, was made of that dumb Ikea-plastic and was hollow, and when the desk top fell, it landed on something that BROKE THROUGH IT. So from the very first fucking day we had it, there was a hole in the top.

I lived for over a decade using a computer desk that had a hole in it, and of course it was conveniently placed right in the middle where you would be working the most.

A few years ago, Henry had the bright idea to turn the desk around so that the hole would be in the back, but because of the weird shape of it, it made things even worse and super uncomfortable because now one of the desk legs was right in the center so I would bash my legs off it any time I would move in my chair.


Anyway, now we have a basic desk that’s not plastic and also has drawers so I feel like I’m really moving up in life.

Chooch was pissed because Henry put it together without him and he cried, “I wanted to help!” when he burst through the front door upon returning from the Teen Center.

“You did help,” Henry mumbled, “by not being here.”

Wow, sick burn, Handy Hank.

Anyway, the rest of my Saturday was trash because in addition to Ikea, we also went to the mall to buy school clothes and I hate the mall, but that leads me to my next Friday Five….


After I threw a silent fit in Express when Henry reminded me that we were there for Chooch (I keep spelling his name as Choco today) and not Erin, we went to Zumiez for more Chooch-appropriate* fare.

*(Although he did latch on to this one dress shirt at Express that was under a sign that said SALE! $19.50 but then rang up as $49.50 and Henry was like NOPE NOPE NOPE not for my 8th grader who still can’t manage to keep everything in his mouth when he eats so Henry tried to dispute it and they were like “OH JUST SELECT SHIRTS ARE ON SALE AND WE DON’T WHICH ONES UNTIL WE RING THEM  UP” ok Express, that’s not nonsensical at all.)

In Zumiez, Chooch gravitated to this windbreaker-type of color-blocked jacket that was actually pretty cool and I was considering getting it for him when some Zumiez broad came over and gave us her sales spiel followed by, “And just so you know, this is the girls side. The boys stuff is over there” and she pointed to all the ugly stuff.

“Yeah, we know, and we don’t care,” I said, snottily and then decided in that moment that Zumiez would get no business from me if they’re going to deter a boy from wearing pink or whatever.

I was ranting about this to Henry afterward (he wasn’t in the store with us when it happened but it’s not like his presence would have changed the narrative in any way at all, trust), and Mr. Zumiez Apologist donned his White Knight sword, and after clumsily mounting his Man-splainer steed, said, “Well, she probably just said that because girl shirts are cut differ—”



Janna wanted to get ice cream so we met her at Bruster’s Sunday night, and it also kind of doubled as a back-to-school celebration for Chooch, who was running around all weekend, excitedly getting his backpack and supplies together and talking about how much he was looking forward to having homework again, and it was disgusting. Just so gross.

Anyway, back to the point. (I’m overcaffeinated and a loop of 2NE1 videos are playing on my TV which is getting me all hyped.) Chooch ordered Purple Dinosaur in a waffle cone, and the scooper-guy was like, “OK, but that’s going to be three scoops…” you know, just being cautionary about it.

Chooch sucked in his breath and said, “Yikes that’s a lot of scoops. OK, I’ll have…..NY Cheesecake in a waffle cone.”

In a waffle cone.

I just stared at him but he never flinched.

And then I waited for the scooper to hand him the waffle cone triple-jammed with NY Cheesecake for it to dawn on Chooch…

“Shit, it’s still three scoops!” he cried in shock.

Well, YEAH, what did you think, Einstein?! It wasn’t the particular FLAVOR that came with three scoops, it was the WAFFLE CONE.

OMG how can someone so smart be so stupid.

“What made you get NY cheesecake?” I asked after we were all settled at a table. (We tried to make Henry sit by himself at a table by a dumpster but he wouldn’t.)

“I was panicked when I had to choose another flavor so I just got this one!” Chooch said with Sadness-Tinged Exasperation, the flavor of the month at the Ordering Remorse Scoop Shop.

“What was Purple Dinosaur, anyway?” Henry asked.

“I don’t know!” Chooch scoffed haughtily in case we needed a reminder that he’s a recently-minted teenager. (OOH ANOTHER FLAVOR!?)

Found out later on Instagram that it’s just PURPLE-DYED VANILLA. Oh, he would have been so pissed if he wound up with triple vanilla.

Then we went to Giant Eagle for some last minute school lunch staples and Chooch was obviously super sugar-rushed after eating all three scoops while complaining about having to eat three scoops (being a kid is so hard) and I was super giddy too just because I almost always am and we caused so many scenes which Henry just loves, let me tell you. When we were in the parking lot leaving, I pointed to some guy who had the misfortune of being in the same aisle as us several times, and I said, “That guy hates us.”

Henry mumbled, “hate you…”

Wow. Ouch.


Oh, the sadness!

We ended it the way we started it – full circle at Parker’s, our favorite local breakfast joint. I just can’t give this place enough accolades! The owners are so goddamn down to earth and they make you feel special. Luke always remembers stuff about us; gave Chooch dating advise (“just talk to them, don’t date them!” and “tell them you’re well-traveled!”) and both of us complimentary chocolate chip cookies; and told us a little about the bar he’s opening in the old Zippy’s location, which sounds like it’s going to be awesome and finally a decent drinking spot for the people in Brookline who, you know, aren’t white trash.

I almost always get the Little Miss Sunshine bagel sandwich, with sprouts, egg whites, avocado, tomato and mayo – it’s so satisfying! Chooch lately has been opting to build his own but then always remembers the things he wanted to add after the sandwich is already in front of him.

ANYWAY, it’s just a feel-good place, OK? We feel like we’re part of something cool when we go there, but not when Henry is with us. Henry ruins it.


You guys, the most adorable thing happened. Chooch got a thank you card from the neighborhood Corgi, Spencer! We brought him some toys and treats back from Korea because why not, and his owner Bob is just the nicest guy ever, very Mr. Rogers-esque, which makes them kind of like a power duo. And the stamp Spencer used had a metallic orange dragon on it and an Asian temple!

Well, guys. That’s all I got. We leave tomorrow morning for our Kentucky Kingdom / Holiday World road trip so I’m not going to be able to sleep tonight!

Jul 162019

All I can think about is the fact that we leave NEXT TUESDAY for our vacation and I am having such a hard time focusing on anything else, including blogging. Also, the last two nights I have had the worst sleeps and I think it’s because I’m so excited/wired/nervous about this trip that my nerves are firing on all cylinders. I can’t wait!!

But in  the meantime, here are some things going on here in Pittsburgh which is not as great as Seoul but it’ll do.

  • I had another meet-up with Jiyong on Saturday, this time at the Cathedral of Learning. I thought it would be a cool locale because it has a bunch of Nationality Rooms (Korea included) and she’s never been there before. I love taking people here (we took Maya and Scott when they were here a few years ago because I love sharing those Harry Potter vibes with my friends!) and I thought it would be cool to do our “studying” there too and I say that loosely because Jiyong is really good at English and needs very little help from me, while I sound like a fucking Hooked on Phonics candidate. She is so patient with me though and gives me tips on how to say things more naturally in spite of what the textbooks teach and I appreciate that greatly! She said I’m doing great but if I’m not mistaken, the tone she used was the same one I used when potty-training Chooch and he shit his pants.
    • She did have to quickly make throat-cutting motions at one point though when I thought I was saying the word “shoe” but my pronunciation was so jacked that it sound more like the word for “fuck” so that was a good learning moment.
    • Meanwhile, Jiyong asked if it was possible to go to the top of the Cathedral and I was like, “YOU BETCHA, I DIDN’T GO TO PITT AND NOT LEARN ALL THE TRICKS OF THE CATHE—-oh shit” because they changed the elevators so now instead of just pushing an up or down arrow, there are there electronic pads where you have to enter the floor number you want and guess what—I didn’t know it! So there was a young guy waiting for an elevator across from us and even though Jiyong was like, “No it’s OK” I was like “I AM GETTING YOU TO THE TOP OF THIS DAMN TOWER” so I asked the guy if it was still accessible and he said he was actually going there so we could hitch a ride with him! Inside the elevator, he asked if we’d ever been to the top before and I said, “Yes, I went to school here back when the elevators were, you know, regular.” He just chuckled and nodded but in his head he was probably like, “Cool story granny.” But success – Jiyong got to look out the windows and thankfully she didn’t ask me questions about the city and the directions of things.

  • I mentioned in an earlier post that Chooch abandoned me on Friday and went camping with the teen center. Well, he apparently didn’t get much sleep because he came home with the worst post-camping attitude ever and we started fighting immediately which pissed me off because it’s EXACTLY what Henry predicted and I hate when he’s right! Anyway, Chooch passed out super early that evening and then was back to his old, affectionate self the next morning. (I mean…)

  • Rare picture of the cats interacting. My mom is going to be watching them for us while we’re gone and I’m really relieved about that because they are super sensitive and I think it will help them to have someone actually hanging out with them and not just coming over to feed them, but that’s a lot to ask of someone to be honest. Luckily, my mom is a super-animal person and I think she is also looking forward to watching our Netflix which is fine by me – I just hope she doesn’t start any While You Were Out home improvement projects like she did one time when Henry and I were away for a few days a long time ago, but then she never came back to finish! Haha. I had to warn her not to park in the driveway for any extended amount of time, lest she start the War of Pioneer Avenue with our neighbor who apparently owns the driveway which is news to me because I HAVE LIVED THERE THE LONGEST but whatever, I’m not bitter about that or anyth—GIVEMEBACKMYTHRONE.
  • You guys know how I always joke that I have a Mexican taco cart boyfriend in the neighborhood? Well in all seriousness, he genuinely is someone that Chooch and I say hello to every time we walk past the Mexican market down the street because he is out there 99% of the time, griddlin’ up some tacos for all the locals and hipsters who come from 10 towns over because tacos are on trend. Anyway, HE HAS NOT BEEN THERE IN TWO WEEKS and I’m not trying to be in poor taste here, I am genuinely concerned for him what with the way our piece of shit government is handling migrants. Henry said he could very well have gone back on his own because his visa expired but I just feel so concerned. :( Henry said he should be fine if he has a sponsor and I was like “if he doesn’t, can I be his sponsor?” And Henry was like “Um you have to own a business that employs him” SO THEN HE CAN MAKE MY SERIAL KILLER CARDS! Problem solved!
    • ICE can go fuck themselves. How do they sleep at night!?
  • The firm I work for is finally loosening up a little and adopting a “dress for your day” policy where we can wear “smart” (lol) jeans and office-appropriate shirts and shoes if we’re not going to be interacting with clients or outsiders or whatever and for most of the people in my department that means EVERYDAY can potentially be jeans day. It started today so I happily wore jeans but as soon as I got inside the office, Marlene blew her imaginary whistle and yelled at me for wearing tennis shoes. “Marlene, I just got in! I will change them at my desk!” I cried. Jesus! Then I noticed that neither she nor Carrie were wearing jeans. Then I continued down the hall and checked Margie and Lauren – ALSO NOT WEARING JEANS. But then I got to Glenn and I knew he wouldn’t let me down – totally wearing jeans and not giving a shit about it. WHEW. Turns out, there were very few of us who actually took up the new sparkly offer to wear jeans, which is weird because I thought everyone liked wearing jeans to work!? Later that afternoon, I was walking past Sue’s office when she called me in to excitedly talk to me about how I leave next week and she said she was really stoked to hear all about G-Dragon’s pension, etc. So then I was walking back  to my desk and Marlene stopped me. “Was Sue talking to you about your jeans?” she whispered. “No!” I cried. “We were talking about my vacation, god, Marlene!” She like REALLY WANTED me to get in trouble for breaking wardrobe laws today, lol. My jeans were ok! I don’t know if they’d be considered “smart” because they can’t like, call home or order a pizza, but they were clean and not ripped or frayed.
  • I started watching Big Little Lies on Sunday because there were no new episodes of Divorce on and I try to watch at least one American television program at a time so that there’s at least something that regular people can find relatable about me. Anyway, WOW – I just started season two tonight which should tell you a lot about how much I like it because I’m not a big binge-watcher. And I will say that it has really made me appreciate Henry so much more. That Perry motherfucker was driving me crazy in the first few episodes until I finally realized it’s because he reminds me EXACTLY of this guy on the trolley who I refuse to sit with even if the seat next to him is the only empty one because he is so fucking polished and manicured with his tailored suits, perfectly-gelled hair that is for sure cut twice a week, and Italian leather shoes and man purse. I not-so-jokingly call him American Psycho because I’m certain he kills people on weekends. Twice now I’ve heard him making spa treatment appointments during the ride to work!? Anyway, maybe I should change his name to Trolley Perry. This morning I sent Henry a video of me walking behind him out of the T station with no caption and Henry immediately asked, “American Psycho?” But really, who’s the psycho now, amirite.

I think that’s all for now. I started doing Jillian Michaels’ Body Revolution again and tonight I made it to Level 12, the final level, and I am FUCKING BEAT. That series is no joke but so worth it. I never would have been able to do this a few years ago!

Jul 052019

My job gave all of the US offices the day off today and even though I am uncomfortable celebrating anything related to glorifying this strange and backward country right now, I am still happy to not have to go to work after volunteering to work yesterday’s holiday shift which exploded on me right out of the gates and I was pretty surly about that. So anyway, my point is, you would think that today’s Friday Five might actually be a good one since I’m home all day to write it but you better tuck that sentiment back into your pocket next to the Tic Tacs, Tammy Faye Bakker obituary, and severed toe because I am still just as disjointed and typo-prone as always!


Hoo boy, last Tuesday I was in a real mood. I was power-walking some of the steam off around town on my lunch break and had just finished ranting to Henry about the people who won’t be invited to my G-Dragon Party (I never graduated middle-school, you know that, right?) when I had to pop into the post office to mail some orders because this is my everyday routine which is fine, I clearly live for going to the post office. There are three different ones around town that I split my services among because god forbid I should become a regular and they all have annoying things about them so better to be annoyed about different things than the same one over and over I guess.

On this particular day, I went to the one on the Northside which is annoying because the postal clerks sit behind protective glass and I can never tell which one is occupied or when it’s OK to come forth. And they are always super put out to have to do work but that’s fine, at least they’re speedy and all understand what a scan sheet* is.

*(The amount of postal clerks who scrunch up their noses when I hand them a scan sheet, say, “Yeah, this doesn’t scan for me” and then scan ALL OF MY ENVELOPES INDIVIDUALLY is….getting better, I’ll be honest, but there are still some stupid asses out there sporting the USPS emblem on their polos!)

I was annoyed right off the bat when I rounded the corner because the sidewalk in front of the post office was being repaved so I had to slalom around a path fashioned from yellow tape and orange cones. but whatever. I walked right past the cement guys and they didn’t say a word to me.

So I did my thing inside the post office and then called Henry back as I was walking out the door (TALKING ON THE PHONE INSIDE STORES, ETC IS RUDE) and thank god because he was able to witness one of the jackass cement guys yell, and I do mean, BELLOW, “DON’T STEP ON THE SIDEWALK!”

I hate being yelled at. I mean, who doesn’t, right? So this, how do you say, SET ME OFF. I stiffened and did this thing that I do where I get super loud and passive aggressive.


“They’re standing right there, aren’t they,” Henry asked rhetorically, with a sigh.

“MAYBE THAT CAN MANSPLAIN TO ME WHY I SHOULDN’T WALK ON WALK CEMENT,” I continued and Henry was like, “OMG please drop it” and so I walked away but I immediately experienced regret that I didn’t go back and slam my foot into their precious moist sidewalk but also I didn’t want to get cement on my shoe….

I just hate being yelled at by men. HATE IT. It makes me want to cull forth an army of Diva Cups and go full-blown reverse “Carrie” on them.

Then I started rattling off a list of all the men of AUTHORITY who have yelled at me and when I got to “and that fucking FBI agent,” Henry interrupted and calmly pointed out, ‘Yeah, but you made him flip his car over and nearly die, so…”

“HE DID THAT TO HIMSELF!” I screamed and then circumvented my wind tunnel of WOMAN SCORNED cursing onto our own Henry.

Then I purposely walked back to the post office, nearly causing myself to be late getting back to the office, just so I could take a picture of these douchebag women-haters who probably make their moms cry at the dinner table.

I went back there on Wednesday and there was a steady trail of shoe prints on their beloved sidewalk, and I could tell it was FROM A MAN.


Midsommar movie poster

Photo from A24

Last year’s “Hereditary” was one of the best horror movies I had seen in a really long time, so I have been eagerly anticipating Ari Aster’s second foray into the genre, and ever since I saw the first trailer for “Midsommar,” I was super amped. I love The Wicker Man (the original one from the 70s, bitch plz) and this looked like it hints of those creepy cult pagan themes. Horror movies that could really happen are definitely the scariest, in my opinion.

Chooch had no interest in seeing it so I was going to go by myself, but Henry was all, “OMG LET’S GO TOGETHER” and kept billing it as a date which was creepy in itself but whatever, I let him go with me even though I was like, “You’re just going to fall asleep” and “You’re not going to understand it!”

(Probably his least favorite thing of all the things I say.)

Henry actually did fall asleep but it was just while we were sitting there watching all the pre-previews bullshit and I was reminded of why I hate coming to the big theaters as I drank my $5 bottle of movie theater water and lamented the fact that it was being shown at the quaint, single-screen threater down the street from us which is where I see all of my horror movies, but whatever. It was fine. There were only 2 other couples there so at least I didn’t have to contend with rude movie-goers.

And it was 90 degrees outside so what a great reprieve!

OK, so I’m not wild about reviewing movies but I just want to say that this movie, while perhaps not EXCEEDING my expectations, at least lived up to the hype. To be able to take a movie that is filmed literally entirely in bright daylight and make me feel cold with dread, you are a master. And Ari Aster is just that – he juxtaposed blinding sunlight in a beautiful Swedish meadow with what could be deemed as gratuitous gore if done by anyone else, but in Ari’s hands, it was cinematic perfection and it added to the story. It wasn’t gore for the sake of shock value. It was more like, “Here is this thing that just happened and just so you know, this is what a person’s body would look like after that. Oh, and aren’t these flowers fucking beautiful? Sweden, man.”

I can see where the Wicker Man comparisons would arise, but it never felt like it was ripping anything off from that movie. It’s a modern take on ritualistic cult horror with moments of levity, haunting music/singing, and a subtle psychological study of human relationships that goes from a slow-burn into outright chaos.

I watched an interview the other day with Ari Aster where he says that this is more of a movie about a breakup and goddammit, it’s true.

When we were walking back to the car, I felt sick to my stomach and extremely uncomfortable, which was the same way I felt years ago when I watched Valerie and Her Week of Wonders, which is this really haunting Czech surrealist horror movie from 1970 that made me feel like I wanted to peel my skin off and hide in a dark hole somewhere.

The saddest part for me is that also in that same interview, Ari says that he won’t be making another horror movie for quite some time – DISLIKE.

This is definitely not a movie for everyone. If you like Jordan Peele’s take on horror, and if you thought “Hereditary” was a masterpiece that stuck to your brain-ribs like a hearty meal of meatloaf and family dysfunction, then you will likely walk out of the theater feeling satisfyingly disgusted and excited about the growth of a genre.

I’m obsessed and can’t wait for the Midsommar pins to drop.

This picture has nothing to do with anything but perhaps there is a market for pictures of Henry eating bananas because he is SO SUBCONSCIOUSLY SEXUAL ABOUT IT. I have a “Henry’s Sexual Banana Time” jingle that I sing every time he walks out of the kitchen, deep-throating one. 

3. The Rice Krispie Treat

The weather has finally gotten hot and humid here in the ‘Burgh, not that I was excitedly anticipating it (the heat is fine but the humidity can go walk off a cliff with Taylor Swift). One day last week, it was particularly toasty out there so I decided to grab a Rice Krispies Treat from our snack table and take it to my favorite homeless lady. She is always sitting in a wheelchair on Liberty Avenue, usually outside of Images, and she is pretty friendly. She has complimented me on my coats and accessories numerous times over the years so if I have a dollar on me, I always make it a point to seek her out.

I passed Jeannie and Aaron in front of our building and tried to hide the Rice Krispies Treat behind my back, like they would even care if they saw it but I didn’t want to be like, “HELLO THIS IS FOR MY HOMELESS FRIEND” because it would be JUST LIKE Jeannie and Aaron to scrutinize the things I was carrying and then interrogate me about it because they live to make me uncomfortable, I swear to god. (Like, in a teasing sense, because they know how easily agitated and paranoid I can get.)

But I made it past them and my snack-hand went unnoticed.

On this particular day, my homeless friend looked pretty down and was definitely not her animated self. I started to hand her the snack and she waved it off. “Oh honey, I can’t eat that. My stomach hurts so bad, I can barely even keep down this water” and that’s when I realized that she didn’t just look like she was having an off day, she looked pretty sick. Even when I tucked a buck in her collection cup, she barely moved.

Look, my compassion only goes far, so I had NO IDEA WHAT TO DO AT THIS POINT. I nervously told her to take care of herself and then I ran away because I’m terrible when it comes to adversity.

But now, I was stuck carrying a Rice Krispies Treat in 95 degree heat, with no purse to put it in.

“Just throw it away,” Henry said when I frantically called him for advice.

Yes, advice.

This was a SITUATION, OK?

“I can’t throw away a perfectly good Rice Krispies Treat!” I cried, even though at this point, it was getting so soft from the heat that my fingers were starting to sink into it, wrapper and all, like a sweet, sticky cereal quicksand.

Is there porn that has a scene of guys sinking their dicks into a swimming pool-sized pan of Rice Krispies treats? Because there should be.

Henry would watch it.

Anyway, my backup plan was to find another homeless person to treat BUT THERE WAS NO OTHER HOMELESS PERSON ON MY ROUTE, for the first time ever! I guess the heat had them retreating underground, I don’t know, but none of the regulars were out. I did see this one older man sitting on the sidewalk with a service dog but I couldn’t tell if he was homeless and I didn’t want to offend him.

“He might just be a grifter,” was my exact play-by-play commentary to Henry, who, let me tell you, LOVES THESE AFTERNOON PHONE CALLS.

“Isn’t that the same thing as a homeless person?” Henry asked.

“No, I think it’s, like, a guy who ran away from his wife,” I said, giving Henry ideas BUT WAIT HE DOESN’T HAVE A WIFE.

Then all of these sidewalks were closed and I couldn’t go the way I wanted to go and I had to jaywalk, and this RICE KRISPIES TREAT was still in my hand, which was now cramping from holding it, and I cried to Henry, “WHY CAN’T ANYTHING JUST BE NORMAL FOR ME?!”

I ended up leaving it on a bench at the Point, but first I had to be all awkward and “pretend to sit on the bench” for a whopping 2 seconds so it didn’t look like I was just littering, and Henry was like, “I hope someone sees you leaving it there and returns it to you” and let me tell you, I would not have been shocked at all if that happened, because: my life.

4. Dinner with BARB

It’s so difficult to organize group dinners, even for just four people, but the stars aligned and Jupiter was sniffing Uranus at some precise moment, enabling Wendy, Jeannie, Barb and me to convene for dinner Wednesday night. We chose Proper and miraculously got a table after work. Jeannie and I walked over together and had enough time before Barb and Wendy showed up for Jeannie to peer pressure me into ordering some blood orange gin and tonic and I usually steer clear of gin ever since the time Psycho Mike and I took a whole bottle of gin from my Pappap’s basement bar and downed it on a hill in South Park and I SHOCKINGLY got SO SICK. So I usually avoid drinks with gin but Jeannie is convincing so we both ordered one and I was drunk before sipping even a quarter of it so you can imagine how I was feeling after slurping the last few drops.

Meanwhile, Barb had arrived and realized she left her glasses in the car so the waitress was like, “Oh, we have some cheaters behind the bar, BRB” and came back with a Moscow mule for the vision impaired.

Then Barb had to also turn the flashlight on her phone to help her see the menu and Wendy took that as her opportunity to hitch a ride on Barb’s poor eyesight train and get a good view of the menu. I can’t even laugh about it though because my eyesight is pretty terrible too.

Anyway, we had such a nice dinner! Group dinners can usually be chaos, with numerous people vying for a piece of the conversation spotlight, but I think 4 is a good number and we’re a really good mix! I’d like to think that no one walks away feeling left out afterward, and I just wish we could do this more regularly! I barely see Barb anymore and Jeannie is so busy at work that even though I see her everyday, we don’t get to talk very much! I can’t shake Wendy, though. (Just kidding, Wendy! You’re the best!)

Barb dropped me off afterward and it’s a good thing too because I was pretty drunk! I may have walked off the trolley platform if I tried to take the T home. Henry was just like, “WTF, seriously?” when I came into the house and then spent the rest of the night making sure I didn’t fall and hit my head.

Jeannie even texted me the next morning to see if I was hungover. NO, I WAS NOT.


Man, I cannot drink liquor anymore!

5. Summer Breakfast Club Week #4!

I love Summer Breakfast Club! Luckily, since I had the day off of work today, we were able to breakfast-it-up this week. I wouldn’t have been able to do it yesterday since I was working. :( Originally, Henry thought he was also going to have today off so Chooch and I had a secret huddle to discuss whether or not we should invite Henry, and if so, if we should go somewhere outside of our walking radius. But then Henry had to work so it was moot.

We were originally going to walk to this diner in Mt. Lebanon, Simone’s, because they have crepes, but Chooch got REALLY BAD SUNBURN on Monday because he’s a moron and did a piss-poor job applying sunscreen at the pool and then NEVER REAPPLIED even though I told him to (I wasn’t with him) and he also completely forgot to put any on his face, so he is a fucking mess right now. He’s finally past the shivers/fever/pain stages, but now he’s advanced to the “does that kid have a skin deformity?” stage of peeling, and it’s especially bad on his face because he had literal blisters so his face is like tri-colored right now. He looks like Freddy Krueger’s half-human son, and decided that he didn’t want to walk all the way to Mt. Lebanon looking like this (hello, teenage vanity) so we kept it local and went to Tom’s Diner which is always fine with me because I have never had a bad meal or service at Tom’s. It’s a classic! And if you go during the day, chances are the same older lady waitress will be there and she kind of reminds me of if Reba McIntyre was from Greece, maybe? I think that is what he accent is?

Then we spent the whole time googling sunburn remedies on our phones which culminated in Chooch insisting that he needs a mortar and pestle so that he can grind Aspirin into a paste and spread it on his skin.

I bet those weirdo Swedish cult members have excellent sunburn remedies.

May 172019

It’s Friday, you guys, which means I’m that closer to the next amusement park trip! However you have to get through the work week, amirite?

Anyway, here’s some stuff – well, five to be exact since it’s FRIDAY – that went down this week. Can’t promise it’s going to be exciting or informative, but I’ll throw in some photos that may or may not enhance the narrative.


Not a shocking secret about me but I live across the street from a church and I don’t ever remember the church bells ever ringing but suddenly, for the last several weeks, the church bells have awoken and are here to fucking announce every goddamn hour of the day from 8am to 9pm and it is fucking obnoxious, this relentless throbbing-tinny hourly countdown. I don’t know if they got a new priest over there who was like “Well shoot y’all this church has got BELLS? Let’s dust those Heaven-horns off!” I’d like for him to dust the NOVELTY off because this shit is wack and after last Sunday, I can’t hear them ding-donging without bracing for a dragon to come forth and torch my town.

I’m going to report this for a noise violation or whatever you call it.

Random picture that Henry found on his phone from the trick eye museum in Korea. 

2. Happy Broken Family

You guys know how Henry’s son Blake and his fam live right next door to us? Well, you can imagine how often Chooch is flitting back and forth between the two houses—he is obsessed with his big brother Blake. Well, yesterday he came back in the house and said, “Something weird happened. The shirtless Italian guy with the dog who lives next to Blake saw me coming out of Blake’s house and said, ‘So is that uh…..um….your….uncle?’ and I said, ‘No, it’s my brother’s house’ and he said, ‘Oh, and your other dad lives next door?’ I said yes, but thought it was weird that he called you my ‘other dad,'” Chooch said to Henry with a shrug.

I thought this was unusual as well, but then Henry said, “He probably thought you were talking about Calvin when you said it was your brother’s house.” Calvin is Blake’s son, Chooch’s nephew. So he thinks Blake is Chooch’s dad! I AM FUCKING DYING AT THE THOUGHT OF THIS, Chooch having “both dads” living right next door to each other!

This morning when I left for work, Calvin was at the window playing with his cars so I was waving to him when I noticed that Italian Guy’s Shirted Brother was outside with the dog, watching me. We waved and said good morning to each other and as soon as I was far enough down the sidewalk, I started laughing all over again because those guys must think , “Wow, those people really get along great for a broken family!”


Ugh, why do I put myself through this every year? Oh yeah, for better insurance rates or something, I think? Anyway, my appointment for the wellness screening was at 10:06am on Tuesday, and I had chosen to fast. I was running around the department like a crazy person that morning, crying to everyone who would listen and repeating, “ohmygodohmygodohmygod” over and over. “It’s like Jeffrey Dahmer is running the place,” Glenn said, having already gone up for this screening. “Blood everywhere!” I screamed at him to shut up and I know it was a joke but now I was picturing blood dripping down the windows of the 28th floor and was starting to get that ol’ familiar nervous knee-knocking.

Finally, Amber saw me cowering at my desk when she was en route to her appointment, which was about 40 minutes earlier than mine, and said, “Oh for god’s sake, just go up with me now” YES, LET’S GET THIS OVER WITH.

I was so spastic that I was actually trying to pull the pen out of the lady’s hand while she was using it to point out the spots I needed to fill in on the consent form. Like, I was aware that I was doing it and it was coming across as super rude, but I literally could not let go of the pen. It was so embarrassing. What is wrong with me.


First, some broad called me over to weigh me and measure my waist, etc. I was like, “IS THAT AN OK NUMBER??” about my waist size and she said, “Yes, all your numbers are good!” So that made me feel better. Then she was having a coughing fit and trying to talk to me about it but I was like, “Look, this is about me and my numbers,  not your damn windpipe, alright.”

She sent me back to the fake triage area and I was supposed to be the next person to get called back for the actual fingerstick portion of the traveling blood bath, but the next available screener was adamant about taking Amber first even  though Amber tried to defer her spot to me. Turns out,  this was a blessing because the screener I got was A-MAZ-ING. She had two thick bleached strands of hair framing her face, and I could picture her being a total badass in the 70s. She looked at my form and said, “Oh, my birthday is the day after yours! Well, with about a 20 year difference,” she laughed.

“Yeah! Leos are the best!” I exclaimed and we spent nearly the whole time talking about how amazing our zodiac is and I was really on the verge of asking her if she wanted to hang out sometime but thought maybe that would be inappropriate since she was in the process of stroking blood out of the pad of my middle finger.

Guess what you guys?! This was the best screening I’ve had to date.

“All of my numbers are in the ‘desirable’ range!” I bragged to Henry via Kakao.

“That’s good,” he replied and I was annoyed that he didn’t seem more stoked about this. He didn’t even use any emojis!!!

That’s fine, I guess I’ll just take my hotly desired blood elsewhere.



Call me old fashioned, but I’m a firm believer in the dying art of sending thank you cards. YES, SOMETIMES I FORGET TO DO THIS MYSELF, because life is a trainwreck sometimes, but I thought it would be nice for Chooch to send Thank Yous to the people who came to his recent birthday dinner in order to teach him some etiquette (meanwhile Henry’s over there desperately trying to teach him to use double negatives).

The thing with Chooch is that he may be naturally brilliant in so many things, but when it comes to shit like correspondence, he has no clue. He will put his own name on the envelopes of cards being given to other people! HE DID THAT TO MY MOTHER’S DAY CARD….


Anyway, I noticed that he was writing all of his messages on the left side of the card, leaving the main side all blank and weird-looking. So I suggested, in a nice, non-pageant-mom-y way, that perhaps he could draw a picture on the sides that he left blank, so they would look less weird. So of course he drew a clown on Haley’s and Wendy’s because they hate clowns (Wendy’s also featured Meghan Trainor) and then for Janna’s, after insulting her on one side, he drew a picture of her mom beating her and this is funny because we have this joke all the back from 2014 where Janna’s mom beat her for using her car when she went to Nemacolin Castle with Corey and me. Her mom originally said she could use the car, but then forgot about it I guess because once we arrived at the castle for the tour, her mom called and was like WHERE IS MY CAR and Janna was like MOM, YOU SAID and Corey and I were AW SHIT, JANNA’S GON’ GET IT! But Janna insisted that everything was fine once she hung up with her mom.

Later that night when we went back to Janna’s to get our cars, Corey joked that if we waited long enough, maybe we would see the silhouette of Janna getting whipped by her mom and Henry to this day still doesn’t think this is a funny story but Corey and I would cry-laugh every time it came up.

Uh, anyway, this card was a nice homage to old times.


I took Janna out to dinner for her birthday on Wednesday. She originally said she wanted to go somewhere with good desserts so I was like, “Maybe something Italian then?” and she was like “I COULD DO ITALIAN” so then I spent ALL THIS TIME on that app that I loathe (#UghYelp) only for her to suggest The Abbey hours later. THE ABBEY IS NOT ITALIAN. But I wasn’t mad though because that let me off the hook of searching for the perfect birthday dinner venue which I am not great at because we all know I’m such a megalomaniac (see above re: LEOS RULE).

Then Janna wanted to sit outside and I was like “Ugh fine it’s your birthday” but I am not a fresco diner! I prefer sitting inside almost always, especially at The Abbey because it’s an old funeral home! Instead, I did what any mature girl would do and pouted and whined about being cold and then said NO FORGET IT every time Janna offered to lend me her sweater. I am a great dinner companion.

I got the vegan mushroom and spinach ravioli and seitan meatballs and I have to say, the ravioli were FANTASTICO but I have had better-prepared seitan in my travels. It was OK – I liked that it was almond-encrusted but it was very tough and even though the almonds tasted good, it made the whole thing extremely dry. Another annoyance was that my salted lemon tart was so fucking small that I actually thought it was a mistake. It was $6!! And the size of a shot glass! I AM A CHEAP PERSON AND ALSO A FOREVER FAT WHO WANTS BIG DESSERTS.

I mean, it tasted wonderful but I WANTED MORE.

Also, it was really hard to cut through the pastry because it was SO SMALL AND DENSE. I was afraid I was going to send it sailing across the patio with one wrong move of the knife.

Janna got food too.

Afterward, she hung out at my hell house for a few hours and Chooch was in rare form, looking for his wallet while in “meth addict” character and I had ONE BEER at dinner so I was like scream-laughing over this, and kpop videos were blasting on the TV, and Janna was yelling, “Come on, Chooch, stop it!” while Henry quietly sat at the computer and it was a total throwback to high school when I used to have friends over and my brothers would be going batshit with butcher knives and the dogs would be barking and my mom would be quietly laying on the couch watching figure skating, blocking us all out, and it was just a flurry of pandemonium, or as we Kellys called it: “a normal night.”

I had one beer at dinner was so CRUNK (yeah I said it) even by the time we got back to my house that my every movement was exaggerated and amplified, and Henry immediately was like, “Wow you had a beer, I can tell. You always get an attitude when you drink a beer.”

A beer.

That’s me!

Anyway, we made Janna sit through a bunch of Kpop stuff and when the NCT127 appearance on James Corden came on, she asked, “Which one is my bias?” and I said, “Well jeez Janna, NONE OF THEM BECAUSE THIS ISN’T BTS!” (I made her choose a BTS bias a few years ago and she chose Taehyung.)

Yep, just a normal night.

May 122019

I haven’t felt like blogging lately. But here’s a bullshit bulletpoint cop-out post because it’s a rainy Sunday morning and there’s nothing else to do right now so I remembered this thing exists.

  • Chooch is like falling apart since we began working out in December. He acts like he’s some ancient being with creaky joints and broken parts. He was begging Henry to massage his shoulders the other night and Henry, as usual, was half-assing his end of the request, so Chooch lamented, “I wish you were a massaginist.” So does Henry, but sadly, he never managed to advance past “Mansplainer.”
    • I was telling Henry that I made this joke on Twitter but it bombed as all of my jokes on Twitter do and then I proceeded to explain it to him and he was like, “YES I KNOW, I GET IT, I GOT IT” but I was laughing so hard that hit my hand off the door jamb on the way out of the room. Worth it.
  • My mom took Chooch to see End Game last Saturday so Henry and I thought we would be adorable and go to Millie’s in Market Square since I’m not mad at them anymore after they handled my complaint with grace and a free pint (which I still haven’t claimed and didn’t claim in this day either because we took the trolley and Henry said IT WOULD MELT by the time we got home, OK Big Science Boy). Anyway, I wanted to go specifically because they were doing a fundraiser that weekend and donating a $1 for every scoop of their vegan mint chocolate chip to a Cat Cry Syndrome foundation, and had a third grader with this syndrome design the labels for the pints and everything. I thought that was really sweet, plus I’m always game for vegan ice cream. Henry got their new “Scoop Shop” flavor which was supposed to have the whole sundae fixin’ kit and caboodle in a scoop; however, his (paltry, baby-sized) scoop contained no such add-ins and was basically just plain vanilla and he was so surly about this. WOW I HAVE NO IDEA HOW THAT FEELS. And my vegan scoop was “just OK” and didn’t really taste like the Holy Grail of Dairy Free Scoops like Millie’s and all of their blind followers have been screaming about. I don’t know, I try not to act Miss Manager Hair but man, I am really disappointed in Millie’s lately. Henry is like 100% done with them now but I’m going for the whole “three strikes and you’re getting dragged on social media” tactic. So we’ll see how my next experience is, which might be in two weeks when we have some team members visiting from Chicago.
    • Henry believes that Millie’s has grown too fast and they’re so caught up with their expansion and gaining followers that they’re forgetting to focus on what got them this far: THEIR ONCE-INCREDIBLE ICE CREAM AND SERVICE!!!!
    • Also, their scoops have gotten RILL skimpy lately. We’re fat Americans, remember? ACCOMMODATE US.

(I was a pig and got two scoops which was basically the size-equivalent to one scoop at any other ice cream shop and though the mint chocolate chip wasn’t the GOD’S GIFT that Millie’s and their cult wants the rest of Pittsburgh to believe, that scoop of olive oil next to it was REFRESHING AS FUCK.)

  • Oh my god, I was watching a coaster vlog and one of the guys said he rode Lightning Rod so many times in one day that he STARTED TO COUGH UP BLOOD. I was like GOALS and Henry gave me a disgusted look. He’s just not on my coaster level.
  • I had the most realistic dream that I was dating G-Dragon. It was platinum faux-hawk era GD and he was so fragile that I treated him like glass and protected him from everyone. I was so depressed when I woke up, to texts from my stupid regular-person boyfriend. UGH. MY HEART.

Image result for g dragon gif

  • Hey speaking of Kpop, can I just tell you how fucking sick to death I am of BTS fans? They are making me not like BTS and I don’t want that to happen! But their fans have zero respect and regard and for the rest of the Kpop world and act like there was no one that came before BTS, which is annoying in and of itself but the latest incident that has me rolling my eyes harder than a Catholic virgin being exorcized is that they had the audacity to get mad that there were flyers being passed out at BTS’s concert in LA, promoting an upcoming Korean music festival this summer, which includes a performance from one of the guys from Got7 (Jackson). Cool, right? Now concert attendees will know about another Kpop concert that they may want to attend, because it’s relevant to their interests since, you know, THEY ARE CURRENTLY AT A KPOP CONCERT. Anyway, it turned into a THING and spread like wildfire on Twitter because these fans are petty as fuck and in their warped minds they think they’re “protecting their boys” so they started harrassing Jackson on social media, telling him to “call off” his promoters and accused him of “riding BTS’s coattails.”
    • Um, first of all: This is how concert promotion works BABY GIRLS. Concert venues always have flyers for upcoming shows posted, and there are usually always people handing out event flyers afterward. These kids just don’t get it. They live and breathe for ONE GROUP only and refuse to believe that there any other groups out there worthy of people’s attention and I’m just so fed up with it.
    • And second of all: JACKSON AND NAMJOON (from BTS) are GREAT FRIENDS. So these dumbasses are attacking the personal FRIEND of one of their beloved BTS members. So pathetic. This is why I get lowkey bristled when people only want to talk to me about BTS because I like Kpop so I must only like BTS because the two are mutually exclusive.
    • In fact, we had some developers visiting our department last week. One of them sat with me and watched me work, which was SO MUCH FUN NO IT WASN’T, I’M KIDDING. Amber said that the managers and directors went out for drinks with them on their last day and they were telling the guy who sat with me that I really like Korea and Kpop and he told them that when he was in NYC a few weeks ago for some conference, it was nuts because BTS was there performing on Good Morning America. I said, “No, it wasn’t BTS. It was NCT127” and Amber was like, “No, he said it was BTS.” I DON’T CARE WHAT HE SAID IT WAS NCT127, BTS WAS BACK IN KOREA AT THAT TIME I THINK I WOULD KNOW!!! Ugh. America can’t handle knowing more than one Asian music group at a time.
  • Now that I’m on an unpopular opinion roll, can I also just say THAT I HATE JON SNOW, ALL THE EARLY SCENES OF HIM AT THE WALL HAD ME SNOOZIN’, I HAVE NEVER THOUGHT HE WAS GREAT, HE WAS JUST SULKS AROUND DOING NOTHING BUT THEN HE GETS LAUDED AT THE END, AND I DON’T CARE IF HE DIES. Aside from the shit-writing and direction of this season’s Game of Thrones, I still really love this show and am sad it’s ending but I only care about the wolves and dragons, really.
  • I changed Drew and Penelope’s names to Jinjoo and Bora. I think they’re taking it to it, but Chooch refuses to accept it. Their full names are Song Jinjoo and Kang Bora. So, remember that if you ever come visit.
  • Chooch must have really been going through something last night because he was begging Henry to be a dad and play catch with him, so finally Henry was like, “OH FOR CHRIST’S SAKE, FINE” and then I swear I heard him whisper “Ouch my aching bones” under his breath as he put his shoes on. And then at the same time, I was doing the dishes like we were some vintage American family from Iowa or something, and it was so bizarre.
    • Granted, I was only washing A DISH.
      • I only wash my stuff and leave everyone else’s in the sink haha.
    • When I opened the door to see what Henry and Chooch were doing, Chooch was verbally lambasting Henry for not even trying to catch the ball. So, that’s about right.

OK well, that’s all the time I feel like spending on here. Waiting to see if Chooch has his piano lesson today and then we’re going to get MOTHER’S DAY BIBIMBAP, BOY.

And just because:

Apr 282019

Suh, my pallies (whoever is left – I stopped paying people to read this). Here are some recaps of the current work week, because things happened, as they often do in that game called life. Please also enjoy some photos of DOWNTOWN which I took on Friday. It was a gloomy day.

  1. Staff Appreciation Day

Wednesday was Staff Appreciation Day, which meant there was some breakfast thing in the partnership center which I gave no fucks about because I do not like jostling about with plates of food in front of strangers who also work here. However, we did get a nice gift card from the firm so I definitely appreciated that, and Boss Amber signed off on an email to our group by wishing us a happy Staff Appreciation Day. I smartly responded, “If you really appreciated us, you’d write each one of us a poem telling us so!” and then I went about my day because that’s what I do, reply-all with something dumb and then lose myself in some work duty. But Amber rolled out of her Poetry For Dummies class with this creative ode for me!

Rose are red

Violets are blue

Long live k-pop

And G-Dragon, too!

Of course this turned Glenn’s complexion pallid, Cheryl was like “I needed that laugh,” and one of our new team members based in our Chicago office emailed and asked, “Erin, what is G-Dragon?”

Oh Vicki, thank you for opening Pandora’s Box! I AM HAPPY TO PROVIDE ANSWERS! So I shot her off a reply with a quick summary of who GD is, a picture of his Adonis-esque face, and a link to his wiki. Vicki replied and said that her son also loves kpop and all things Korea and is determined to travel there and has a translation app on his phone, and and and…OMG! I was so excited to make this discovery! We don’t know our Chicago counterparts very well since our only form of communication with them is email and the occasional meeting where they call in, and Amber and I have been trying to find ways to bridge the gap, boost morale, etc. Now I finally have a connection with Vicki! I told her that I went to Korea last year and will be going back this summer, so she asked if I mind fielding some questions for her and her son and I was like “NOT AT ALL!” Trust me, at least once an hour I want to blurt out, “When I was in Korea…” but I sit on it because Hello, Annoying. But when someone actually WANTS to talk to me about it? I start salivating harder than I do when eating a pot of kimchi jjigae that’s just come to a rolling boil.

I shared this new discovery with Glenn and Amber and they were like, “OMG wow amazing cool.” They’re just jealous that I’m over here making strides with team building thanks to my copious interests!

(Seriously, when Chris was new in our department, we because work-bffs because we both like weird fruit. Copious and obscure interests can sometimes help in the workplace, you guys. Don’t be boring.)

2. Bring Your Kids to Little Korea Day

In addition to the Staff Appreciation fun, I had another opportunity to gush about my K-interests on Thursday when Missy briefly brought her two young kids and two nieces into the office. They were downtown with her husband for Bring Your Child To Work Day or whatever, which Chooch gets all up-in-arms over every year because we’re technically not supposed to bring kids to work in my department because of confidentiality or whatever and Henry has been driving again at his job so, like, there’s pretty clear liability issues there with stowing your uninsured minor in the passenger seat of a Big Delivery Truck. Missy only had the kids there briefly after lunch and when she was walking them by our desks on the way to her office, the girls shuffled closer to my desk and gaped at all of my childlike things scattered around. “Who’s that?” one of them asked, jabbing a finger at my standing Taemin vinyl. So I got really excited and gushed to them who he is and they looked at me, and then looked back at him, and then looked at me again like they were perhaps trying to assess my age. “But she doesn’t LOOK like a sixteen-year-old…” I imagine is what they were trying to work out in their minds. Missy was like LEAVE MISS ERIN ALONE and corralled them into her office, where her son and daughter promptly counted the pictures of them that Missy has on display and I couldn’t tell which one was upset but one of them definitely realized that there were more pictures of the other so Missy had to, excuse my WORK PUN, resolve a conflict.

A few minutes later, she ushered them out of her office and down the hall, but those girls walked REAL SLOW past my desk and tossed several lingering glances over their shoulders at Taemin. Yeah girls, I get it. I turn around and look at him many times throughout the day, as well.

Poor Missy kept trying to leave but somehow they ended up at my desk again and her son was like WHAT IS THAT and I was like A FIJI MERMAID and one of the nieces was rummaging through my spiderweb bowl of Asian tea and coffee packets and asked WHAT IS THIS and I was like TEA THAT TASTES LIKE FLOWERS because I can’t say the word chrysanthemum and then the daughter was like WHAT ABOUT THIS ONE and I was like THAT IS GREEN TEA LATTE so in the end, the girls each took a packet of instant green tea latte which became a thorn in Missy’s side because they wanted to make it RIGHT NOW and she was like NO WE HAVE TO GO and it was just the most entertaining afternoon I’ve had at work in some time, that’s all.

Hopefully they went home and looked up Taemin.

3. Co-Workers Try the Inkigayo Sandwich!

After telling some of my work buds about the Inkigayo, nay—EASTERgayo, sandwich we had on Easter, Lauren and Margie expressed interest in trying it. Margie especially was like, “No, it doesn’t make sense and I don’t think it could taste good!” so when Henry was making Chooch one for his school lunch (Chooch’s request!), I asked him to make an extra one for me to take to work. He added crab meat to that one, as the supposedly official recipe for it calls for.

(There are TONS of variations out there! One even adds ketchup to it. I have no idea. I’ve never eaten in the Inkigayo cafeteria and likely never will, unless I get a job there, wearing a hair net and making the actual sandwiches. That’s one way to find out!)

Lauren wasn’t in yet, so I took the sandwich over to Glenn and Todd and explained to them what it was. “No thanks,” Glenn said drolly, but Todd, whom I’m sure wasn’t even listening to my explanation, said, “Yeah, I’ll try it.”

Margie cut a piece for a Glenn anyway and told him not to be a baby, so all three of them ate a piece and UNANIMOUSLY said, “Wait…that’s actually good. But, how?!”

I made sure to point out to Glenn that he was eating a sandwich that G-Dragon likes. He seemed thrilled.

Meanwhile, Cheryl was leaning back in her chair and watching us from her open office door.

“Cheryl, come try this!” I called out and I swear to god she was popping a piece in her mouth before I even had a chance to explain what it was, so I just stopped mid-sentence and surmised it with, “It’s a sandwich that kpop idols eat.” Even she liked it!

Todd said he was going to write about it on his blog which would be awesome if he had a blog. And Margie said it’s what her kids would call a “Do-Over” which is what they say when she makes them something new and they like it, they give her their approval and permission to make it again. So I joked that I would send Cheryl the recipe to put on the department Wiki BUT MAYBE I WILL. I mean, Memorial Day is coming up and this sandwich is basically a picnic between bread.

Then Lauren arrived and I watched her eat the piece Margie had pre-cut for her. She said it was it good but then immediately started asking me work questions and I was like, “This is not why I came over here, Lauren.”

Later, Glenn said that Lauren has a seafood allergy and I started panicking but Lauren was like, “Oh my god, I think you would know if I had a food allergy. I mean, I sit next to this thing, after all!” gesturing toward the Pumpkin of International Food Horrors.

“That’s true,” I laughed. “And I mean, some of the things in that pumpkin might actually create allergies.”

She did not disagree.

The last taste-tester was Carrie, but unlike everyone else, she said when she saw the ingredients, she felt it was something she would like. So now I felt extra-pressure watching her chew, because I especially needed her to like it now! Thank god, she did! We agreed that a godo word to describe it is “refreshing” and I’m not trying to be bossy here or anything but I think she should take this recipe to the new restaurant she works at and see if they’ll add it to the menu.

YOU NEVER KNOW. It could be a sandwich sensation with their collegiate clientele.

4. Altrolleyism (see also: Altruism on the Trolley, duh) Begets Soy Karma

When I got on the trolley Thursday morning, it was pretty packed because of the aforementioned Bring Your Kid…blah blah, so instead of walking as far to the back as possible before plopping my ass down like usual, I took an empty seat near the front. Unfortunately, That Annoying Family I Hate slipped onto the same train as me at the last minute and they always sit at the front (which is why I go to the back). There was one empty seat in front of me, so they sat the daughter down there and then both parents were standing in the aisle, smothering me with their HAPPY VALLEY PTA vibes. Just as the dad started to pull out a Berenstein Bears book to read out loud for the whole front of the trolley, I started to get really anxious and wanted to get out of my seat immediately. I didn’t want to look like an asshole though, you know, so I masked my asshole motives by tapping the mom on the arm and saying, “WOULD YOU LIKE TO SIT HERE?” She exclaimed, “Oh my, thank you!” so I mumbled “no problem” and practically barrel-rolled out of the seat and ran to the back where I was rewarded with ONE EMPTY SPOT next to a very quiet, unassuming passenger, and it was far enough back that I couldn’t hear Dad jawwing off about fictional bear families. Meanwhile, I was acutely aware of people smiling at me for my valiant act of altruism and I was like mentally curtsying in my head over this. I LOVE WHEN I LOOK LIKE AN ANGEL.

Meanwhile, the DAD took the seat and the MOM stood the whole time. That family fucking kills me. (For instance, on Friday, the daughter threw a huge tantrum and started shrieking at near dog-whistle levels about how the dad HURT HER FEELINGS and it was such a blatant display of crocodile tears, it made me sick.)

Later that day, I went to Prestogeorge in the Strip because I was in the mood for a cinnamon latte and their lattes are just really comforting to me. (Not their chai lattes though! They make theirs the same way as Starbucks, by using that refrigerated chai concentrate shit and I hate that because it always tastes like spiced water to me – I prefer when places use the chai power. Perhaps I will write a dissertation about this another day because I have feelings.)

Anyway, none of my faves were working that day, so a guy I’ve never seen before named Josh took my order. He was very jovial and I felt confident that this would still be another great Presto experience. (Seriously, this is the kind of the place that pulls you right into ongoing banter between employees–you’ll walk out of there feeling like you’re a regular even if it’s your first time!) I ordered my cinnamon soy latte and I don’t know why I did this because there was no one standing behind me waiting to order, but instead of leaning against the counter like I normally do, I took a step over the side and stood there instead.

Maybe 15 seconds after I moved, Josh extracted the carton of soy milk from the cooler and gave it a hearty side-to-side shake, except that the cap wasn’t on all the way and ribbons of high-speed soy milk arched through the air, hitting the exact spot I was originally standing in. Josh stopped mid-shake and we looked at each other, our mouths and eyes widening in slo-mo, and he sputtered, “OH MY GOD DID THAT HIT YOU?!” I laughed, like REALLY LAUGHED, and said, “No, but I had literally JUST stepped away from that spot!” and then we were both cracking up and he was like, “WOW, SOY MILK REALLY TRAVELS” as one of the other employees came over with a rag, sighing and wiping up the lactose-free lake.

Then the espresso machine was jammed and the same lady who cleaned up the milkfree mess had to come to his aid again.

“This process has just been a failure every step of the way,” Josh sighed, and I started cracking up all over again. I mean, I felt bad for him but he was really taking it in stride and was quick to bandage the situation with humor. That’s my kind of person—I will small-talk my face off with people like that!

Finally, he crossed the latte finish line and as he handed the cup to me, he said, “This latte is cursed. Drink it quickly and dispose of it immediately!”

The latte, cursed or not, was perfectly crafted, in case you were wondering.

As I sipped it on my walk back to the office, I wondered…if I hadn’t given up my seat on the trolley that morning, would the soy milk’s trajectory have been different? Would I have ended up taking it to the face? I think so. I faked my Good Samaritan act well enough that I scored some good karma for Thursday!

Apr 202019

Why does winter drag the fuck along like a person with a poorly-fitted prosthetic but then April hits the deck running? This month is more than halfway over and it’s been a blur, and we still have two more weekends that are teed up for some action.

I haven’t had much energy or free time to blog as much as I would like, so I’ve been kind of taking a natural progression of just blogging less each week. To be honest, when I blogged on LiveJournal, I only posted a handful of times each month. I hope that I’ll be able to get back into it mentally, but an increase in stress at my job and also a more rigorous workout schedule that I have been holding myself accountable to has really left me with very little in the tank at the end of the day.

Ugh lifestyle changes, amirite.

Anyway, here are some photos and quick recaps of things that happened this week.

  • The trees all look like this ^^^ for the time being and even cloudy days are that much more happy because of it. It’s also helping me get in the Mood for Easter, which is probably my second favorite holiday after Halloween which makes no sense because I’m not religious and I don’t have a little kid who still believes in the Easter Bunny but I guess it’s because it always arrives on that wave of SPRINGTIME HOPE where we’re all starting to realize that winter hasn’t killed us. Tomorrow is Easter and we don’t have grand plans but I did get an idea of how I want to celebrate so we’ll have to see if that pans out – CHECK BACK. #suspense
  • Speaking of Easter, Marlene came over to my desk yesterday before leaving work and, hesitantly, asked, “OK, curiosity has gotten the best of me. I have to know – how do you celebrate Easter?” She recently learned about our cemetery Christmas picnics and some other things that I always forget aren’t the norm for regular families, so now she’s kind of slowly pulling off my layers, one holiday at a time. I told her my hopeful plans and she was like, “Oh for god’s sake. I love you.” The other day, she overheard me telling Carrie some ofhand remark about how I always thought that my mom’s younger sister was actually my mom and she slowly turned around and said, “OK, I have to know—WHAT are you talking about?!” and then that started a landslide of family history falling out of my mouth and she was like, “You could be a writer for a soap opera.”  I don’t talk much at work these days, but when you get me started, look out. (I used to get called into the office for talking too much back when BARB still worked there, lol. Now I’m like a mute.)

  • In other work news, Sue walked past me one day and chuckled because I was wearing my desk cardigan backward, so that my arms went through the sleeves the opposite way and the back was actually covering my front (JUST IN CASE YOU NEEDED MORE WORDS IN ORDER TO VISUALIZE IT) and I was like, “What? I’m aiming for that Snuggie-feel!” I know a lot of people have this same problem — our office’s thermostat is set to Indoor Winter and it’s a struggle. Now with summer on the way, we’re preparing for the worst of it because as the temperatures outside rise, the temperatures inside turn to REMEMBER JANUARY. Nate will sometimes stealthily do a thermostat-check drive-by and crank it up a few notches when the Hot Ones aren’t around. Anyway, Sue came over to my desk yesterday and said, “Here, I saw this and had to get it for you” and IT IS A SNUGGIE! I’ve never had a real Snuggie before! You guys, it’s wonderful, and you can’t tell from this picture, but it’s actually OMBRE! I sent this picture to Henry and he thought for a second that I was in a hospital gown and got scared, lol. Henry has feelings, too, you guys.

  • Here’s a picture of Chooch, lambasting Henry via speaker because we came back from our evening jog and Henry had left for the store after CHOOCH SPECIFICALLY TOLD HIM to wait because he wanted to go too. Not because he had some secret personal items he needed to procure, but because there’s a fucking geocache in the parking lot of Kuhn’s. I guess we’re back on the geocache kick, sadly. The other day, he shoved his phone in my face and yelled, “THERE ARE SO MANY GEOCACHES IN SEOUL!” Yeah, I’m not spending my birthday trip to Korea searching for geocaches on Naver maps, my friend.

  • Drew is so taken with BTS’s latest comeback* that she has stolen Henry’s bias, Park Jimin. *(This is probably because she’s brainwashed by it since no matter what we’re watching on YouTube, it always automatically goes right back to some BTS performance when the video ends and it’s so fucking annoying. LIKE STOP TRYING TO CONTROL OUR YOUTUBE, ARMY!! I will say though that now that they’re doing their official comeback on all of the Korean music shows, it feels so much more normal to me. Their SNL performance was just…OK…compared to their real Korean stages.)
  • This morning, Henry was cleaning and found some cat pee-stained note that he wrote to me FOUR MTHS INTO our relationship. He was trying to throw it away but I grabbed it and read it dramatically out loud in front of him while he mumbled about it all being lies and he didn’t mean any of the lovey shit he wrote and then when I asked “You’re not going to keep this?” he yelled, “No! It has CAT PEE on it” and by cat pee I think he means “evidence” that he once loved me.

  • Chooch was being pranked Monday night by the Green Man, aka our friend Tommy, and I was going to write an entire post about it because it was so funny but really it just makes me look like a shit mom because Chooch got really angry about it at the end even though he was laughing his ass off throughout the rest of it. Basically, Tommy was pretending to be the Green Man and texting him faux-menacing things. Obviously Chooch knew it wasn’t actually the Green Man and actually was positive that it was Janna until Janna finally sent him a picture to prove to him that she wasn’t even home, and then Tommy started actually calling him and talking to him in a creepy growl. Chooch was cracking up and then after Tommy hung up, Chooch called him back and it went to his voicemail, which clearly stated his name, so I was like, “Oh well, the jig’s up, that was fun while it was lasted” BUT CHOOCH TOTALLY DIDN’T NOTICE. He called back like 5 more times and still never caught that Tommy was actually saying his full name in his voicemail message! THAT’S MY GENIUS SON. Anyway, this went on for like an hour, just harmless “I’m watching you” type things and I was like, “I can’t believe he hasn’t accused me of being involved in this yet” especially considering how hard I started laughing from the moment Tommy sent the first text. Henry eventually was like “This is getting old” and went to bed, but I stayed up with Chooch because I had to see this through to the end at this point. Guys, it went on for awhile. I sent Jessy the above photo of Chooch reading the first of the messages to us and Tommy started to saying things like, “I LIKE YOUR UNICORN” or whatever so Chooch was like,  “OK IT HAS TO BE SOMEONE WHO HAS BEEN IN OUR HOUSE” but then Tommy started asking me things that Chooch was doing in real time, so I texted that he was chewing on a piece of paper, and when “The Green Man” called Chooch out on that, he got RILL PARANOID, Y’ALL. Never mind the fact that I was sitting right next to him, texting him the whole time, never once considered it was me. So then I made the mistake of suggesting that he was being watched through his iPhone and HE FLIPPED HIS SHIT. That’s the beauty of this wonderful hormonal shit he’s going through — you never which way the wind will blow around him these days. He got a piece of masking tape and put it over the camera on his phone, THREW HIS PHONE ACROSS THE ROOM ONTO THE CHAIR, and frantically said to me, “Forget King’s Island*. Don’t waste money on that. Buy me a new phone instead. I don’t trust Apple. I want a Samsung.” He was REALLY ‘noiding out by now and actually was on the verge of tears, so I had to put a moratorium on the mystery messages immediately. “Chooch, it’s TOMMY,” I said. “TOMMY is pranking you.” There was one, drawn-out moment of silence where we just stared at each other. “You knew?” he whispered, with steely resolve. And then he just snapped and started screaming about how much he hates me and just to clarify, it wasn’t THE GREEN MAN he was afraid of, it was the possibility of some creepy old man watching him through his phone, so OK OK OK, touche dear son! You have a valid point — this is an honest concern in the year 2019 with all this fucked up technology we have. Anyway, he ran off to his room and we went to bed that night hating each other because my natural instinct is to automatically get mad in return when someone is mad at me because I’M A FUCKING PSYCHO LEO, but by the next morning, we were fine and even laughing about it, and Tommy apologized to him too and Chooch said he accepted it, so what a HAPPY VALLEY ENDING. They should make a Family Circus comic about this.
    • *(I’m not “forgetting” King’s Island. WE ARE GOING THERE NEXT SATURDAY FOR HIS FUCKING BIRTHDAY EVEN IF HE HATES ME. We will ride Mystic Timbers hatefully!)

  • This was me ^^^ during the meeting I had to call in for on Thursday when I was working from home, only without the hamburger, although I was pretty much chewing on my fist, so..? It was originally supposed to be a video conference which wouldn’t have been that bad because even on days I work from home, I’m usually presentable because I’m the vainest bitch you’ll ever meet even if it’s not outwardly noticeable at first. But, I didn’t want my messy house to be seen and also, Penelope runs around the house nearly all day screaming at her weird collection of pom poms, so I was pretty excited when Amber decided to nix that idea.
  • I’m just as excited as everyone else that Game of Thrones is back, but even after watching the last episode of the last season and watching an hour-long recap of all of the seasons on YouTube, I still asked, “Wait—who’s that?” every other minute during the Season 8 preview. Why am I such a failure. Also, the people who were shaming people on Twitter for being excited about this can suck a diseased one because if someone’s joy over a TV show is affecting your daily life, then perhaps it’s because you don’t actually HAVE a life. I see a lot of people being excited about a lot of things I’m not into or understand and I just scroll past and literally never think about it again. Social media really gives people major personality disorders, I fucking swear to god. I’m 100% off Facebook, have a reminder set up to let me know when I’ve spent an hour on Instagram so that’s really helped me pare down the amount of time I waste on that app, and Twitter’s next. I don’t think I’ll ever go cold-turkey on those two apps but I definitely want to minimize my time spent there, for sure.
    • On the flipside of this, my unwillingness to be more involved on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter definitely keeps me from expanding my businesses but shit you guys, I just don’t have time to post Stories about the cards I’m working on, or the money to buy followers.

Is this an adequate update on my life? I think so! Hope everyone who celebrates it has a great Easter weekend! And if you don’t celebrate it, I hope you at least get to clean up on discounted Easter candy at the store!

Apr 122019

Oh damn, end of the week already. Well, let’s get this Friday Five thang started. I know, I can’t  believe I’m still blogging, either. Stick a fork in it, Erin!

Random “look it’s spring in the city” picture. 

  1. WTF Lunch and Apple Slumming

Typing this takes guts, because I’m about to admit something that goes against my every belief. You guys know that I am an apple snob, a forbidden fruit aficionado, a pomme princess, only permitting those designer hybrids to touch my palate…

…but on Wednesday…


Literally, the Walmart brand of apples.

And…it was surprisingly OK! Perhaps I’m becoming less apple hipster-ish now that I’m nearing 40, or maybe Red Delicious apples aren’t as 1950s Housewife Vanilla as I remember, or maybe I was just really hungry because we had a meeting that day and boxed lunches were provided, but us handful of vegetarians got a pretty unusual option. I actually thought the veg box I grabbed was an accident, the one defective box in the bunch, but after talking to Maggie–another meat-free department co-worker–I confirmed that our option was actually intentional. In the year 2019, this catering company couldn’t think of anything better to fulfill a vegetarian order than a sandwich roll loaded with one piece of lettuce, a ziplock bag with two tomato slices, and another (leaking) ziplock filled with some weird marinated cauliflower shit that I think was meant to be put inside the bun?! I ate less than half and threw the rest out because WTF was that.

Maggie said she took the lettuce off, saved the bun, and made a PB&J in her office with it after the meeting. Ugh, maybe I should stock up on some Uncrustables for these situations.

Seeing that I wasn’t eating my sandwich, Todd tried to offer me his apple but he had a GREEN ONE and I was like, “EW TODD ARE YOU KIDDING ME I DON’T EAT GREEN APPLES!” Ugh! Nice try.

So yeah, that Red Delicious that I was given in my lunch box was a welcome source of sustenance at that point! I forgot how OK-tasting those classic fruit-balls really are.

Meanwhile, Lauren was sitting next to me and her choice was like, roast beef or something and that sandwich was fucking LOADED.

I sound like a bitchbaby, but I’m really appreciative that there even WAS an option provided for us veg-lifers, but come on, catering people. It’s 2019! Surely not all of your clientele eats meat. Do better!

2. Still Crying Over Jonghyun

I mentioned earlier this week that it was the late Jonghyun’s birthday.  I wore some of my Jonghyun memorial pins on Monday in his honor and tried hard to just be a nice person to everyone I encountered (with the exception of Henry, haha) all week, even strangers on the street. I even tried real hard not to scowl at the abortion protesters who have set up shop again in front of Planned Parenthood.

I was doing OK until last night. I kept seeing this “Classical Musicians React to Jonghyun” in my YouTube feed but I kept scrolling past because I knew it would upset me. But then after Henry went to bed last night, I ended up putting it on because I’m a glutton, and before I knew it, I was straight sobbing. And not just “fake Instagram crying” but like, full-body weeping, entire face wet, choking on eye-spit, violent nose-blowing, now-my-stomach-hurts C-R-Y-I-N-G. Not only were they saying really complimentary things about Jonghyun as an artist, musician, vocalist, and lyricist, they were genuinely moved and some were visibly overcome with emotion. They talked about how it’s a shame that he left the world so soon, but how lucky we are that he gave us so much of himself.

When Jonghyun died, it hit me harder than when I lost any other celebrity or musician I loved, and it felt even more shocking than when Bowie or Prince died. I can’t really put my finger on it, but I felt very emotionally-connected to this one and it affected me on what feels like an extremely personal and intimate level. Maybe it’s because Kpop idols in general let people into their lives more than most, what with all the fan events, reality shows, and variety appearances they make. It makes it feel like we know them as people, we see their personalities and their know their quirks–granted, I know that a lot of this is for show and they still have their private versions of themselves, but I can’t deny that I feel like I know a lot of these idols on a deeper level than any Western artist, for better or worse.

So, even though it’s been a year and a half since his passing, it still feels so raw. I woke Henry up last night and buried my tear-soaked face into his chest and he just murmured, “Why do you do this to yourself?”

“I feel like my whole entire body is one gigantic heart AND IT’S BROKEN,” I wailed, and then I threw away my sorrow-streaked contacts and passed out.

Anyway, that reaction video was really great and you should watch it.

You should also watch this wonderful live performance of Tell Me What To Do because Jonghyun was still alive then and Taemin is wearing a see-through shirt:

3. Props To My Non-Secret Son Not-Named Clive

I mentioned in another post recently that Chooch was chosen as Student of the Month at the Teen Center and he got to choose the dinner menu (isn’t it awesome that they feed the kids there?!). He asked for tteokbokki but they went above and beyond and planned an entire Korean night! He texted me this picture on Wednesday:

I freaking love the Teen Center, you guys. Almost so much that I’d consider donating household junk to be used for craft projects, or volunteering….Henry.

Additionally, he came home from school today with his A-filled report card! I try not to be that mom who brags about her kid all the time (and trust me, he’s not perfect!) but man, sometimes I feel spoiled because as far as his school-work and grades go, Henry and I are able to be pretty hands-off. He just naturally knows what he needs to do and he gets that shit done on his own, PRAISE BE. Helicopter-parenting is not my style, so thank you Chooch!

Oh wait, one more Chooch update – he’s been binge’ing Jane the Virgin and now he says “Oh my god” exactly like Jane, which is also how my EX-BFF used to say it, so that’s been pretty annoying.

4. Henry’s Fucking Face Instrument

You know those old-timey guys that peddle their music-mobiles down the cobblestone road, tooting all the horns, smashing the cymbals, stroking the washboard, blowing their whistles? It sounds like one of them lives inside Henry’s nose. His nasal bells and whistles get worse with age, I swear. Chooch and I are constantly groaning and complaining about it and then Henry will bark, “FINE I JUST WON’T BREATHE THEN, I GUESS!” and then we’re like, “Yay!” but he always goes on breathing.

At least his beard is growing back so he doesn’t look so much like  a 1950s science teacher now.

5. Current Favorite Kpop Jam!

And no, it’s not the new BTS which just came out today and is good but also kind of underwhelming and features too much English; however, my expectations were pretty low to begin with because it features Halsey and I really don’t like her at all and every time they collab with another American artist, I lose a feather from the Korean wings I made out of the household junk that I could have donated to the Teen Center, BUT maybe I’m maturing and as mentioned above, becoming less hipster-y in my old age, because she actually didn’t bother me! I thought it was well done, and her voice really works well with theirs, and also she didn’t overpower the song or steal any of the limelight like NICKI MINAJ did in the shitty American remix of “Idol,” and it’s weird because I actually like Nicki but she really had no business being on that song at all and added NOTHING to it. In “Boy With Luv,” though, I thought Halsey’s vocals were tasteful and subdued. I approve.

But I digress! My current favorite jam is this real tooth-rotter from a rookie girl group, Everglow. I didn’t pay much attention to it at first but then two of my favorite kpop cardio YouTubers uploaded a routine for it and I was really feeling it.

Then I saw a comment somewhere that said they thought they were saying, “You go to Walmart everyday” and now that’s all I can hear too but it’s still the fucking jam.

OK gotta go, I have two Bon Bon Chocolat workouts with my name on it!