Jan 212022
 

For this installment of Friday Five, here are five things I found in the attic several weekends ago when we were cleaning it out only to never return because it has been too fucking cold.

  1. A Whole Bunch of Australian Boarding Passes, etc.

First of all? Literally do not remember my flights being on Air New Zealand?? But seeing “Century Travel” printed on that ticket brought me WAY back to sitting in the travel agency inside of Century III Mall with my mom, who told me on the way there that she was only going to help me if I LIED to the travel agent and said I needed to go to Canberra for a wedding and not a concert, because the truth was “soooo embarrassing.” Um, ok?

I also remember being a nervous wreck on that flight to Sydney, not because I was scared of flying (that psychological affliction wouldn’t come into play until a year later, after 9/11) but because I was so panicked about seeing the Cure and frantic to find a way to meet them.

(SPOILER ALERT: I met them.)

(It’s actually amazing how impactful this one-week period in my life turned out to be.)

2. BUT WHO TOOK THIS PICTURE?

OK, based on my hair, this was the fall of 1998, and Lisa and I were certainly at a haunted house, and these were definitely guys we must have befriended in line, but I don’t really remember? I think this could have been at Allen’s Haunted Hay Ride? (Hey Erin, why not grab your old haunted house journals and check, that’s what they’re for, you know.) Actually, I think I kind of remember them, and one of them saying, “Whatever sinks your ship” in response to one of us saying “Whatever floats your boat”??? Also, why am I looking at them with such gross adoration?

But really, I want to know who took this picture.

Also, I don’t remember my hair being that curly. I thought I usually straightened it back then??

Also x2 I fucking loved that pleather jacket so much. It was from Contempo!!!

Sometime this weekend, I will peruse the ol’ haunted house journals and report back with THE DEETS. Maybe I’ll even TRANSCRIBE the whole sordid write-up. We’ll see how bored I am.

3. Before There Were Smartphones…

I used to scribble things that I wanted to blog about (back in the LiveJournal days!) on whatever scrap of paper I could find. When I stumbled upon this in the attic, I screamed because I totally remember what all these things reference: It was the spring of 2004 and these were things that happened while Henry and I were walking in one of the cemeteries on the Northside and Henry gave me the NOW INFAMOUS “moss is bad” speech, which my friend Alyson and I still reference and crack up over TO THIS DAY. Also, I remember wanting that sandwich (I think I was on the phone with Christina when I decided I needed this sandwich and wrote it down as a command for Henry, who dutifully went to Fredo’s in Dormont and procured said roasted veg sandwich for me.

The way I remember the most useless things, though…

4. MY PHIL COLLINS CONCERT PROGRAM!!

This is pretty self-explanatory but when Henry held it up from his corner of the attic, I screamed because obviously seeing Genesis in December had opened the floodgates of Phil Collins concert memories, and I could not for the life of me remember what happened to that program, and had figured I probably just never brought it with me when I moved out of my parents’ house in 1998.

Also, look at all the junk in the background! I swear we’re not hoarders. A good chunk of the stuff in the attic was all baby shit (a Pack-n-Play, stroller, etc) that we kept “just in case,” even though I was certain from the moment of THE C-SECTION that I was one-n-done, my friends. So, most of that stuff is now officially out of the attic. We still have a long way to go, though, because Henry has so many computer parts and other assorted accessories up there, and you can’t just throw that shit away. Plus, I have a TON of VHS tapes. So we have to find somewhere to donate those, at some point, ugh. Cleaning is so boring.

5. GAMEBOY PRINTER, ANYONE? 

I can’t even remember ever using this, yet here it is in my possession. I was hoping that maybe this was something that had turned into a hot commodity over the years, but according to eBay, these things are a dime a dozen. So now it went from cluttering the attic to cluttering my bedroom.

So, these are five things found during round 1 of Operation Attic Purge. Also found: literally like 4 boxes of letters from my penpals, such as my prisoner pen pal Aaron who used to complain to me about his baby mamas and then one day CONFESSED THAT HE LOVED ME and Henry was like, “Oh boy, took him long enough.” He might be out of jail at this point. He didn’t kill anyone, just shot some guy in the ass.

Dec 242021
 

Omg for this edition of Friday Fives, Henry is visiting to tell us about his fave reads of the year! Which* means he will tell me a botched title and then I will try to coax some descriptive words from him while he’s cooking shit for tomorrow’s Christmas dinner and then I’ll do all the typing too.

But sure let’s call it a guest post.

*(wtf I tried to spell this as ‘whitch’ THREE TIMES even though spellcheck was frantically trying to tell me I’m a big stoop.)

Oh, just a heads up that Henry’s opinions are based off the audiobooks alone. He doesn’t have time to read physical books but he powers through the audio versions while working and I’m so happy that he has been doing this because it’s been so much fun having a built-in book club at home.

Fun fact: Henry’s favorite genre of book is THRILLER. (“Probably,” he added as an afterthought.)

1. Bunny – Mona Awad

“It bas a unique premise.”

2. Bear Town – Frederik Backman

“The story and characters were well-written.”

See also: Henry has a voice crush on the narrator.

3. Nothing To See Here – Kevin Wilson

“It was a very interesting story….and it had the same narrator as Bear Town.”

4. House In the Cerulean Sea – TJ Klune

“My favorite character was the antichrist kid.”

5. The Diviners Series – Libba Bray

“I just liked the story and the characters through all the books, I dunno.”

****

Well guys that was literally the most I could pull from his brain. He didn’t even want to do that much and I was screaming JUST GIVE ME ONE FUCKING SENTENCE FOR EACH BOOK THEN OMFG.

So there you have it. If you ever wanted to read like Henry, now you can. Merry Christmas.

Dec 232021
 

Annyeong. I have been so scattered lately. Like, I’m running on nervous energy and Kombucha, mostly. Every time I sit down to one thing, I’m on to something else within minutes. I can’t tell if this is adult ADD or a manic bipolar upswing or just, well, Erin being Erin.

So today we’re free-forming it because I’ll be honest, the last several blog posts have been torturous for me to write because I cannot stay focused. I know what you’re thinking: But Erin, this piece is always a mess. And you’re right, it really is. So, never mind.

We’ll start with a picture of THIS BLOG’S AUTHOR in her Dance Gavin Dance Cocaine Cringefest sweatshirt. Jingle, jingle, who’s ready to mingle? No one. Thanks, OMICRON.

I’ll just walk around the city telling chickens that I’m pretty and I’d love for them to meet my wife.

FOOD, PART 1

First, let’s talk about food. I had some good foods lately, starting with my night out with Carrie and Megan at The Forge.

We started off with this CHEESE PLATTER and a round of BARTENDER’S CHOICE drinks. I told the waiter, who was killing me all night with his familiar face, that I liked floral notes, and he said, “Wow it just so happens that we make our own lavender syrup in house” and I was like, “Yes, that will do.” So I got a purple drink with vodka and lavender, which was a true delight and it was all I could do not to slurp that bitch down like a basic juice box.

Also, I do not drink much anymore so this went straight to my head and I ended up spending most of the dinner just silently nodding along with everything Carrie and Megan were saying because I was afraid I’d start scream-speaking because vodka.

Anyway, it was so nice to see these broads!! In case you don’t know, we are part of the same team at work and used to sit in a row with each other back in Normal Times, so it was fucking awesome to see them in real life after nearly two years (though I did see Megan last October when we did that shitty volunteering thing through work ugh).

I hate this picture of me SO MUCH because of my GLASSES but when I got someone else to take another one, that one ended up being WORSE because I was BLINKING and somehow the “live” option was turned off in my settings! I never turn that shit off!!

But the other gals look great so I am posting this.

Also, I’m wearing glasses almost exclusively until I can get an eye appointment because my contacts are just wrong. So very, very wrong.

Also x2, Henry drove Megan and I to the Forge that night for two reasons:

  • we had taken the good car into the shop to get fixed (it’s back now, btw! you can’t even tell that “Henry” wrecked it! Also, the owner of the auto body place liked our car so much so that she went out and bought an identical one lol. Hyundai Kona FTW!) and I hate the old car because it shakes so if it breaks down, at least Henry is there lol;
  • I literally cannot drive at night with glasses. I mean, I can barely do anything with glasses, so.

I yelled at Henry after we dropped Megan off because he was being rude and he was like, “I wasn’t being rude. You guys were talking so I just let you talk.” YES THAT’S BEING RUDE.

Anyway, I realized in the middle of the night that I didn’t actually know the waiter, he just looked like Ted from Schitt’s Creek.

Oh! I also had the vegan shawarma which was DIVINE.

FOOD, PART 2

Onion Maiden had limited quantities of their Seitanic Ritual platter: fried seitan cutlet that tasted like how I remember veal to taste, or was it pork, I can’t remember meats; corn; mashed ube & vegan gravy.

It was, in a word: DIVINE. Like, had me speaking in “backwards record,” it was so good. So good, that I’m trying to get Henry to make mashed ube for Christmas. We’ll see how that pans out. Lol.

Yeah, and then this effing vegan cheesecake that I stupidly agreed to “share” with Henry, ugh. That was a bad decision.

FOOD, PART 3

A Christmas pint pick-up from Sugar Spell!

Every single flavor is bangin’ as usual. The Yule Log one is probably my favorite, if you’re going to make me pick one, because there is just something so indulgent about Sugar Spell’s chocolate base. You would never believe it was vegan!!

Anyway, after we taste-tested every flavor, I realized that we didn’t get the PB&J one. I looked up the order to make sure I had it on there, and I did but I guess they accidentally gave me gingerbread instead. Which was fine! We weren’t shorted and I was just as happy with the gingerbread, but Mr. Warehouse Manager was like, “You need to tell them.” And I was like, “Yeah but it’s not an issue – they didn’t overcharge us or anything and it’s not like we can ‘return’ the gingerbread since we already ate some?” and he was like “BUT YOU NEED TO TELL THEM FOR INVENTORY PURPOSES!” God, leave it to Henry to even make ice cream boring.

(Yes! I told them! God!)

CHOOCH THINGS

Wow, parenthood has been RULL exciting over in these parts lately.

Let’s start with the fact that Chooch came home one night last week and casually said, “Oh yeah, my Spanish teacher was talking about this study abroad program and I want to do it. Thanks bye.”

But then also Chooch: I lost my student ID again. Have you seen my wallet? I can’t find my credit card. I missed the T. I forgot my face mask. I broke my Rubik’s Cube, can I return it? Can I have money, I spent all mine on Pokémon cards. Where is my work visor?

So…you tell me, am I stupid for entertaining this idea? The organization has been around since the 40s and they have a great Covid policy (all applicants & host families must provide proof of vaccination, for instance), it’s also fully-refundable if the trips need to be cancelled or postponded based on pandemic travel concerns. He can get a merit scholarship for it, and they’re also very generous with financial aid. So, I told him to go ahead and try for it. The trip he’s trying for is to Yucatan and it’s for 4 weeks next July. He can also get 4 college credits out of the deal and it’s something that will look nice and pretty on college applications, and he needs as much application padding as possible.

My favorite part of all of this was finding out how little Chooch knows about me, as evidenced when he texted me from school while filling out the application. “What is your occupation again? Stock broker?”

UM, NO??? I have no idea what would have EVER given him that idea? I have worked in the conflicts department of the same international law firm for nearly 12 years, but OK cook on with your stock broker fantasies, boy. He’s gonna wish I was brokering stocks when it comes time to pay for this shit and we can’t afford it lol.

I joined some Zoom meeting for this program the other night to get more information, and this is what happened in the chat:

Fuckin’ Army.

Meanwhile, there are several essays that need to be written in order to apply for financial aid. I was proofreading one of them and THANK GOD I did because this was an actual line from one of them: “I used to not care about people at all, but working at McDonald’s has taught me to be kinder to strangers.”

UM HELLO SOCIOPATH. And also, McDonald’s taught him that? Not his parents? OH OK.

I definitely rewrote that for him because ain’t no one trying to send an apathetic loner boy (which he isn’t!!) on an international trip with other students. For Christ’s sake. Cant wait until he starts his volunteer work!

Then Corey and I had this text exchange right after, lol:

#HollyJollyHenry

Here is a photo I took of Henry last weekend when we were Christmas shopping, ugh. He was so mad because this was set up right by the food court and although you can’t really tell,  there were a lot of people milling about so Henry was like TAKE THE PICTURE, OMG JUST TAKE IT. A few days later, the actual mall liked it on Instagram, lololololololol.

ME WITH GLASSES

Um, here I am with glasses. I probably haven’t worn these since Korea 2019, when I had The Eye Injury. I do not know what this face is but I know that I make it a lot.

THINGS I HAVE BEEN WATCHING

I have been watching the new season of Emily in Paris because sometimes a bitch just needs simple to watch while jogging in place on an imaginary treadmill, and Bonus Family which is a Swedish dramedy, plus about 7 other shows that I started and lost interest in pretty quickly. (See above re: adult ADD.) I randomly put on the first episode of The Originals the other day and I did not remember a single thing about it, so now I’m questioning if I even watched that show back when it was on because I thought I did?!?!

MY SUPERVISOR SMOTHERS ME

Making sure I’m getting all my stock things brokered. Also, that plate on the floor is a tea cup saucer, which I use to serve the cats their treats and then the plates stay on the floor for Henry and Chooch to accidentally kick like flat, breakable soccer balls.

IN OTHER NEWS…

  • Henry finally hung this beautiful poster from the time Corey and I saw the Cure in Philly in 2008. Actually, I think I found this online and made Christina buy it for me LOL. The Cure corner is really coming along and it makes my heart swell every time I go upstairs!
  • I’ve been rotating through “Alexa play [random country] pop music” every day in order to block out the sounds of the TERRORDOME next door. I swear to god those kids are devil dogs. It’s just incessant screaming and crying all day, every day. One day it sounded like they were actually burrowing inside the walls and I felt legit frightened.
  • Emily was working on a marketing campaign for leeks on Emily In Paris and it made me want leeks so I texted Henry and told him I want leeks incorporated into our Xmas dinner menu and he was like, “I can do that” and for some reason that came off sounding super cocky, like OK CHEF BOYARDICK, calm down. Now I don’t even know if I want leeks anymore.
  • We drove past some Irish club thing over the weekend called Daughters of Erin or something stupid like that and I said, “Imagine if I had daughters” and Henry very quickly said, “No.” Wow.
  • One of my coworkers, Marlene, retired earlier this year but we have been emailing here and there. I got an email from her today telling me that I better take umbrellas for my Christmas pilgrimage to the Dead Zone, and it just made me simultaneously crack up and cry because I miss the office so much and since covid, two of my coworkers have retired and two more will be retiring at the end of the month. It just sucks that we can’t even give them a proper send-off, but have to make due with waving goodbye via an awkward video call where you can’t get a word in edgewise. But back to Marlene, she is always fascinated with the way I choose to spend my holidays, especially Christmas, so her email really made me laugh.  But yes, I miss the Before Times when we’d be in the office right now, giddy and slacking off, mowing down a line of Christmas cookies and having drinks in the old travel office. Working from home is awesome, but these are things I really miss.

I think I’m tapped out. Hopefully I will be back tomorrow with a SPECIAL GUEST POST but only time will tell.

Dec 032021
 

Hi, Friday Fives. It’s been awhile! Did you miss me? I missed you. Let’s pretend like I never forgot to recount five things on a Friday and just, I dunno, base-jump right on in. Here are five rando things from the past week-ish, off the top of my fried brain. Like it or don’t like it, BUT JUST REMEMBER THAT HO HO IS WATCHING (or, Him Ho as my cats call him) (or Santa as everyone else calls him). This will probably be a quickie though because my blogging tank is running on E this eve.

  1. SPOTIFY STUFF

Oh Spotify, serving up some seriously shitty designed graphics for everyone to spam their Instagram friends with. Yes, I am everyone. My top genres cracked me up though. I’LL ALWAYS HAVE ROOM FOR SOFT ROCK IN MY DESICCATED HEART.

And in case you were wondering, my top 5 artists were SHINee (duh), NCT Dream, NCT 127, Taemin (duh), and DANCE GAVIN DANCE. I will always love my post-hardcore bands. Oh, and all of Henry’s top 5 songs were Kpop, because he’s KPOPDAD. I still laugh when people assume that he doesn’t like kpop and is living in hell over here. He will happily watch every music show performance of whatever comeback song has me screaming lately. SOMETIMES HE EVEN REQUESTS IT.

2. Shot Solidarity

Henry and I were off work on Monday and Tuesday. The cats had their annual check-up on Tuesday which included RABIES SHOTS so in order to take one for the team, Henry and I found somewhere that was giving the covid booster without appointments necessary. It was under this bridge in McKeespo—lol sike. It was just at a pharmacy inside Shop n Save. It was definitely less exciting than getting the actual vaccine, that’s for sure!

I had read numerous articles about how mixing the vaccine when getting the booster can actually be beneficial to building immunity, so when the broad asked if we wanted to stay with Pfizer or switch to Moderna, I blurted out that I wanted to switch. Of course, I had major vaccine-allegiance remorse right after that, but Henry followed suit and we both cheated on Pfizer like redheaded hoes and LOOK PFIZER, I’M SORRY I REALLY AM. I wish I could take it back, especially the next day when Henry and I felt like we were both dying after having no side effects whatsoever with either dose of Pfizer aside from a sore arm.

Luckily I work from home, because halfway through the day on Wednesday, I really felt like I was at death’s door (OK MAYBE I JUST FELT A LITTLE FLU-ISH AND THAT’S MY DRAMA STUDENT ALTER EGO TALKING). I didn’t have a fever even though I really like it should have been like 137 degrees FAHRENHEIT because I’m a dumbo American.

Anyway, by that evening, my back was BROKE, bitches. I dunno if it was a nerve thing or what but I was having actual problems standing without the support of my hand on a wall or whatever. I was getting pretty scared and even wondered if I was going to need to go to the hospital. I ask, was this the fault of MODERNA or me being a stupid workout freak?

Henry went to bed at like 8:30 that night because, and I quote, “WHEN PEOPLE AREN’T FEELING WELL, THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO REST AND THAT IS WHAT I AM GOING TO DO” so he left me alone downstairs and I kept looking at my FitBit, feeling anxious that I only just barely made my step count for the day and I really felt like I still needed some kind of supplemental workout since I had been half-lying on the couch in a fugue state most of the night. So I did a 20 minute Paul Eugene CHAIR WORKOUT FOR SENIORS.

They say that every little bit of movement helps, and…that’s exactly what this was: a little bit of movement, lol.

The next morning, I texted Henry and told him I did that and he was like YOU ARE UNBELIEVABLE but I think he meant actually INCREDIBLE.

And also maybe I’m addicted to exercise. Yeah, I am. There I said it. It’s a sickness. But a….healthy sickness?

3. FIRST XMAS CARD OF THE YEAR!

And it’s from my good friend, Alyson, who really knows how to address an envelope, lemme tell you! This cracked me up so hard!

It’s been so long that I almost forgot what started this and then I remembered that it’s because Henry’s mom, back in the day, kept sending cards addressed HUGELY to Henry and then my name would be a tiny (& Erin – usually spelled wrong) squished at the end like the most squiggliest afterthought of a period. And the actual reason it used to irritate me was that I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THE MAIN, OG RESIDENT OF THIS DUMB BROOKLINE SHANTY. I lived here for like 3 years before letting idiot Henry move in but oh my god, MAN OF THE HOUSE trumps all.

4. Henry’s colorful bowls

Henry has been making me really beautiful salads lately. This is a seasonal switch from the just-as-beautiful smoothie bowls he had been previously making me until it started to get too cold for that and I said that he was going to need to make me hot smoothie bowls, to which he said, “so….soup?” Oh yeah, soup lol. But for now, salads will do!

5. GHOST GLASS

I forgot to show you people the cute color-changing glass I bought myself as an October pick-me-up from Etsy! The ghosts change from brown to white as the glass cools. I love it and am also terrified that one of these dumbos in my house will break it – oh wait, they’d have to actually wash the dishes for that to happen HAHAHAHA.

***

Also, this just in: Chooch came home from work while I was tap-tap-tappin’ away and said that he’s burnt out from working at McDonald’s and is going to start looking for something new. He’s definitely not tired of making money but he wants to make more of it so I dunno, good luck FIFTEEN YEAR OLD.

Oh wait here’s a bonus video because I’m re-obsessed with Pierce the Veil and my love for this song was rekindled truly & madly & deeply in the car over the weekend. They are currently recording the fifth album and I am so excited!!

Have a great weekend, where ever you are, and whoever you are lol.

Nov 242021
 

Yo yo yo. I’m feeling bullet-y today. Let’s do this thing. I’ll even sweeten the pot with some CAT PICS.

  • My Squirrel-whispering (or, “whistling” as it were) ability is getting even more skilled. Over the weekend, one of my Buddies was in the neighbor’s yard (the one who hates squirrels!) so I whistled for him to come over to my porch. As he started flouncing his way over, another Buddy popped up from the backyard in between two of the neighbors’ houses and stood on his hind legs. I was like, “Ok you can come too” so he started to make his way over but then the first Buddy was like NO! and chased him away. Meanwhile, I was still whistling and ANOTHER BUDDY came running over from the across the street, stood up on the sidewalk and looked in my direction with his paw on his chest, as if to say, “Who, me?” In the end, I lured three over but only one fully took me up on my offer to be handfed walnuts. (Or, as the squirrels call them: wallnoots.) I’m practically that bitch with the gorillas now.
    • Squirrels in the Fog.
  • I was in a meeting recently where the buzzword du jour was “egregious” and it was actually making me cringe which was bad because it was a video meeting and also, I was struggling real hard not to continuously yawn.

  • Henry was getting really nervous around me the other night and I wasn’t even doing anything. He eventually blurted out, “What’s in your hand??” like I was palming an invisible grenade or something. “POWER,” I said as I punched him.
  • Chooch and I were on a nighttime stroll last week (I wanted to drop off a library book and didn’t want to walk alone lol) when we were accosted by a super friendly cat that we have seen here and there around the ‘hood recently. Super docile and definitely doesn’t look malnourished so I assume this an outdoor cat that also has a home? I HOPE?? Chooch scrolled through some local LOST PET facebook group that he belongs to and didn’t see anything listed for this cat, but it wouldn’t stop following us. I didn’t want to lure it all the way to busy Brookline Boulevard so I had Chooch stay with the cat while I went to the library drop-off box on my own which completely defeated the purpose of my dragging Chooch out of the house in the first place, YES I KNOW MARY. When I came back, Chooch had already started to retreat back to our house but the cat was still happily jogging alongside him. We figured at the very least, if he came back to our house we could put some food out for him. We had just made it to our block when suddenly (KAPCHUGI!) the cat decided to CLIMB A TREE FOR NO REASON. And or course it was a tree along the side of the road too so we didn’t want to just leave him there. “WILL WE HAVE TO CALL THE FIREMEN??” I cried and just then, out of the darkness, a very modern day Spiccolli rolled up on one of those dumb electric city scooters that are strewn all over Brookline and so annoying. “You guys need some help there?” he asked and we were like, “OH YES MISTER PLZ” so he was able to coax the cat out of the tree and I was so smug because we had previously called Henry to come assist us since it was on our block and IGNORED MY CALL but now a STRANGE MAN was playing the hero role, so that’ll show him. Anyway, as soon as he got the cat out of the tree, the cat immediately ran into the road and almost got hit by a car but luckily the car was driving slow probably trying to figure out what this trio of hooligans was doing cavorting on the curb. The scooter Samaritan was able to shepherd the cat down a quiet side street. That’s all. That’s the whole story. Just another chapter in the book of Chooch & Erin: Animal Rescuers.

  • One night last week, around 10PM, some strange number showed up on my phone. I blindly answered it, thinking it was going to be some fun, automated spam shit but instead, someone was saying, “Hello, Kelly?” I almost said NO WRONG NUMBER but then I realized – was this is a WORK CALL? The only time I’m ever called KELLY is at work from people outside the department (and sometimes INSIDE, too ugh), so I hesitantly said, “This is Erin Kelly…” and then the person was blurting out questions about a file opening and I was like OMG THIS IS A CALL FROM OUR HONG KONG OFFICE WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME. I was so caught off guard and knew there was no way I could say, “Hello it is 10PM here in Pittsburgh, I will handle this tomorrow morning” and also because I am a push-over when it comes to our Asian offices so I then proceeded to LOG ON and Henry was like WHAT IS HAPPENING WHY ARE TALKING EVEN MORE AWKWARDLY THAN USUAL and I’m frantically motioning for him to turn down the TV but he’s an idiot so I had to go back into the living room and do it myself while saying platitudes like, “Gee everything is running so slow” and “just one more moment” when I’m not even at the computer. It was a hot mess express. I will never not remember to un-forward my work calls from my cell phone ever again after that.

  • ^^^The look Drew gave me when I said, “Do you want to invite Buddy into your house and share your toys with him?”

“KITTY KAT PLAYGROUND: SQUIRRELS NOT ALLOWED.” Rude.

  • Chooch is suddenly into Pokemon cards again and I honestly could not be more annoyed. There’s some dumb comic book shop on the blvd that is doing some dumb promotion where if you download some nerd app and go to their store you can get a free pack of Pokemon cards and Chooch keeps wanting us to do this for him while he is at work and we absolutely will not because obviously we don’t love our son. But he was off last night and asked me to walk there with him because HE IS SCARED OF THE DARK and afterward, as we were walking down the sidewalk along the blvd, we ran into Chooch’s former piano teacher who moved back to Pittsburgh last spring/summer and is actually living in our ‘hood! It was so good to see her, but I think I also scared her too because for some reason, when I said her name, instead of coming off as friendly with a questioning lilt (“Cheryl?”), I for some reason bark-shouted it like she was wanted for a crime and I was the beat cop who tracked her down (“CHERYL!“) I mean, I might as well have just yelled, “HEY, YOU! STOP RIGHT THERE!”

  • I watched Love Hard one day last week and surprisingly really enjoyed it even though it was totally predictable and basically a tale as old as time, but I thought Nina Dobrev and Jimmy Yang were FUCKING ADORABLE together and it was actually funny too. I think it was kind of what I needed without realizing it was what I needed??
  • LOL I have some YouTube video about Gilmore Girls playing in the background and the narrator just said “egregious” because I guess I’m being haunted by office vocab now.

  • Instead of saying that I was crying, Chooch said that I “got cried” the other night and then Henry couldn’t remember the word for “lies” and called them “not trues” instead and all of this is in addition to my everyday brand of Typo’splosions and Grammar Fuckery; I honestly think that it’s from all the spray-painting Henry does in the basement. Our minds are atrophying. We’re like, half-high all of the time.

On that note, I’m going to peace out! Tomorrow is Thanksgiving! Then we’re going to Six Flags Over Georgia and hopefully I get to ride the RMC that’s there! But it’s Six Flags so I’m not getting my hopes up!

!!!!

Oct 292021
 

The weather in Pittsburgh this week has been chilly & rainy. Now, I’m no sissy when it comes to walking in the rain, but sometimes I do prefer getting my steps in without fucking around with an umbrella. Thank god for walking workouts on YouTube, amirite? In honor of Halloween, I thought it would be fun to share some of the ultra fun “spooky”-themed walking and dance cardio workouts I’ve been supplementing my exercise regimen with this week!

  1. Sharona’s Hill

I just found this person’s channel  this week and she has lot of fun themed dance and walking workouts that are low-impact and great to get the heart pumping in the morning! She has one with German pop hits too and that one is my favorite. If you hate exercising, this routine is guaranteed to make you smile instead of grimace! Oh, and BONSU: she also has a really fun RHPS one too!!

2. EMK Fit

I appreciated this because I such at intricate, extensive choreo but this broad only gives you two different steps for each song, and they’re done HIIT-style. So I actually kind of felt like I was dancing! And she deviates from your standard usage of “Thriller” and “Monster Mash” and uses great songs like “Disturbia,” “Rama Lama (Bang Bang)” and “Heads Will Roll.” I had so much with this one!

 3. Aqua Jade

It was pouring down rain this morning so I swapped out my post-breakfast stroll with this one which had me cracking up because it was basically like if I decided to start making YouTube workout videos, let’s be honest. This was kind of a mess but so much fun and I LOVE THAT “I JUST DIED IN YOUR ARMS TONIGHT” AND “SOMEBODY’S WATCHING ME” ARE BOTH INCLUDED, YESSSS.

4. Up to the Beat Fitness

You just can’t go wrong with Gina B. She never fails to make me feel great! Even when I’m crampy and bloated and refusing to “take it easy,” I know that I can find a nice, low-impact dance cardio routine on Gina’s channel that will give me an energy boost. And it’s even better when it’s Halloween themed!

5. P.E. with Mr. G

OK listen, Linda, this is totes for children but I did it to kill time one day and it literally made me giggle out loud because it’s so stupid.

So, hopefully if you’re looking for a quick, easy workout to do at home, you’ll  try one of these! And as a bonus, here’s the brand new NCT127 video, which is vampire-themed – just in time for Halloween!

Oct 082021
 

There is nothing quite like a Friday in October to get the butterflies in my belly all boisterous. I love this month so much!  I am going to write about FIVE THINGS today that have me in a GOOD MOOD, which means I can’t write about the ongoing DOMESTIC DRAMA on the other side of Hot Naybor Chris’s house, because that is not very good mood-inducing and is actually just very sad and depressing so we’ll save that one for a rainy day, literally.

  1.  Autumn always has me thinking about that good ol’ goth chatroom I used to frequent back in the late 90s, Darkchat (don’t Google that because whatever you’ll find is 100% NOT where I used to spend my Internet time!). I was living in my first apartment, this was back in 1998, and didn’t have a computer of my own. My mom had just bought this BRAND NEW THING called WebTV where you literally used your TV to connect to the Internet. I started going over there late at night after I was done working (at EchoStar lolol) just so I could fuck around on this Internet thingaling. I literally cannot remember how this happened, but as a joke I found this goth chatroom and thought it would be fun to infiltrate and pretend I was goth except that I immediately made a ton of friends and realized that I actually kind of fit in there. WHO KNEW. Anyway, my little bro Corey, who must have been about 9 at the time, started going to this chatroom too, using the name “Franklin” (literally after the Nick Jr cartoon about the turtle) and would enter the chat by saying, “Good eve, all.” I just thought about this the other day and was cracking up so bad because I don’t think anyone realized an elementary school kid was so very deftly holding his own in a chatroom-full of brooding goths. This into has nothing to do what I’m about to say next but I just wanted to share it because I thought it was so cute! But the real point of this is to say that “Franklin” grew up to become PITTSBURGH’S #1 REAL ESTATE AGENT! THAT’S MY LITTLE BRO, YOU GUYS!!! I am so proud of him and look forward to the day when I can really push him to his limit with my very specific criteria of: COTTAGE CORE BUT ALSO TURRETS, ROOM FOR HENRY TO BUILD SECRET PASSAGES, POTENTIALLY HAUNTED.

2. Speaking of being PROUD of people younger than me, our very own Chooch has his first job interview today after school. This kid has been salivating at the prospect of getting a job since he was like 10. He is money-hungry, ambitious, and self-motivated the nth degree and now he is finally of age to get a part-time job. Neither Henry nor I have told him that he has to get one – this is all him. He went around collecting job applications on his own, got the necessary shit from the guidance office at school, and even went to the fucking Board of Education in Oakland on his own to get his student work permit. (I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW HE NEEDED TO DO THAT, THANK GOD HE HAS ASKED ME TO LIFT NARY A FINGER IN THIS WHOLE PROCESS.) And now, today after school, he has an interview at a nearby McDonald’s where one of his friends also works, which he is able to easily access via the T. On one hand, I’m like, “Where did this child come from” but then I remember that I also was super into the idea of getting a job when I was in high school and applied EVERYWHERE which is how I memorized my SSN# and never forgot it. However, when I did eventually get a job, it was at the dollar store at the mall. On my very first shift, I got into an argument with a customer, went on my break and never came back. Never bothered to get another job in high school after that lol. Last night on the way home from a haunted house with Janna, he was calculating how much his paychecks could potentially be if he gets the job and how he will take $20 out of each paycheck for afterschool spending money and save the rest. Please let him always have these values, oh god, please.

3. Speaking of HAUNTED HOUSES, Chooch and I went to Rich’s Fright Farm last night with JANNA. It was only my second time hanging out with her since Pandemic Times started, and Chooch’s first! Anyway, even though she was 40 MINUTES late getting to my house last night, Chooch and I managed to forgive her and we all had a WONDERFUL time. I forgot hw cathartic it is to push her into chainsaw guys and scream JANNA LOOK OUT every 2 seconds. My chest actually hurt from screaming and laughing so hard AND it wasn’t crowded so at all so that was a big relief because even though I had my mask, who wants to be herded through a haunted house with a crowd of people who may or may not be vaccinated, NOT ME. This place used to have a SLIDE that was really well placed so that when you reached the bottom, not only were you a bit disoriented, but now you’ve got monsters in your face. I remember specifically the one year we landed ourselves right in the middle of a bunch of undead debutantes twirling around at a BALL. It was amazing and creepy.

I call this one: JANNA EXITS THE PORTABLE POT.

4. The other day, I found the little Flatwoods Monster figurine I bought at the Flatwoods Monster Museum a few years ago when we were on our way home from Dollywood. It was in one of my billion purses, none of which I have been using much over the last year and a half since I don’t go anywhere aside from amusement parks these days. But anyway, I was so happy to find it because I thought it was LOST. I put it on my very special Souvenir Shelf, which is one my fave spots in the house because, well, isn’t that why we buy souvenirs? To be reminded of the fun we had in awesome places?! I’m super into souvenirs, even if it’s just something simple and cheap like a magnet (although, hello inflation – magnets aren’t very cheap anymore!!). Anyway, here is my Souvenir Shelf! Also, Henry cut this shelf from neon acrylic!

That penis-shaped thing is my favorite, lol. It came on top of a bottle of medicinal wine from Jeonju, South Korea. I guess you’re supposed to drink from it. Most of the stuff on the shelf is from Korea, but there’s also stuff from Japan, Italy, Morocco, Toronto, Australia, and a seashell from Wildwood lol!

5. Do you guys ever have that thing happen where you think of something that you haven’t thought of in a really long time and then it comes up 2 or 3 more times in the same week? I used to know the name of that phenomenon but now I forget. Oh what’s that you say? Google it like a real professional blogger would? OK hold please.

Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon (a.k.a. the Recency Bias or Frequency Illusion) The Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon, otherwise known as the frequency illusion or recency bias, is a situation where something you recently learned about suddenly seems to appear everywhere.

Ehhhh…..sort of? In this case, it wasn’t something that I just learned. We were watching Squid Game last week and I made some offhand comment about how the character Kang Sae-Byeok resembles, in a way, the OG Swedish Pippi Longstocking. It’s the shape of her face and freckles that does it, I think. Of course Henry was like, “Um OK sure” because we never agree on anything. But then, after I said it, I was like, “Aw, Pippi” in my head because I loved/hated that when I was a kid. It was actually quite terrifying!

OK, so then a few days later, The Best Realtor in Pgh texted me and was like REMEMBER WHEN I WAS OBSESSED WITH PIPPI LONGSTOCKING, THE SWEDISH ONE? And I was like, “Bruh.”

THEN!! Yesterday, my beloved TOP from BIGBANG posted this on Instagram:

WHAT.DOES.IT.MEAN? Aside from that I need to re-watch this as an adult, pronto.

Bonus Friday Fact: My birth dad’s last name was actually Pippi!! Thank god my mom remarried when I was so young so that I didn’t have to go  through school as Erin Pippi. Granted, now I go through work days being erroneously called Kelly in emails by people outside of the department, but whatever. I’ll take that, I guess.

Also!! Chooch is an idiot and fucked around in Oakland after school instead of getting right on the bus to come home for his job interview, resulting in Henry having to meet him at the T-stop near McDonald’s so that he could change his clothes in the car, and he made it into McDonald’s right on time…..for them to tell him the interview needs to be rescheduled.

For tomorrow.

When we will not be in town.

NEVER MIND!! Henry just called me and apparently they’re doing his interview now after all.

Sep 172021
 

Hello. Here is a very half-hearted Friday Five. I have had a pretty down week.

THE RACCOON

There was a raccoon on our porch two nights ago, helping himself to the squirrel food in the bistro. It was so exciting! I screamed about how I had never seen a raccoon that up-close before, and Henry gave me the REALLY look and then I was like, OH….YEAH. Anyway, I wanted to give him some other things to snack on, so I grabbed a pack of cat treats that Henry recently bought for our cats because, unlike me, he is not aware of their finicky palates and did not know that this was a kind of treat (or TRIT as they call it) that they will not eat.

They watched me retrieve the bag. “Look, you guys don’t like these ones,” I reminded me, and put two on the ground for them so they would see which ones I had. Yeah, you’re right, we hate these, they said with their noses stuck up into the air.

But then they saw me toss some outside for the raccoon and oh, oh KAPCHUGGI they remembered that they too like these treats and went back and ATE THE TEST ONES I PUT OUT FOR THEM.

Totally out of principal! Cats really are such dicks. Lol.

Anyway, the raccoon was totally cute and using his cute (but probably deadly) paws to drag the treats closer to him and I wanted so badly to run out there and throw my arms around him but HENRY MY CONSCIOUS was like, “Erin…”

NEW RING

I bought me-self a new ring from Little Rooms <3 Commence a bunch of pictures of me pretending to be a hand model in 3…2…

I QUITE LIKE IT. I also bought a necklace that says TRUST ME on it, with a hand with crossed fingers LOLOL because that’s me.

A DELICIOUS PROJECT

A few weeks ago, Chooch and his friend Zakk went to the Exchange near our house and came back with a Goonies movie poster. I guess Chooch told him that I like that movie and Zakk bought it for us! This meant that I needed to make sure it was framed properly. When I told Henry that my newest project idea involved Baby Ruth wrappers, he was out the door before I evenhad a chance to finish the sentence, lol. This was a project he GLADLY contributed to!

The gold coins came from whatever recent arcade ticket cash-in transaction Chooch was a party to.

제가 바나나들예요

Oh boy, another Nooworks shirt! This was actually the first I ever bought. I love banana prints!

BUDDY

OK. I have been dreading this day, and I don’t even want to write/talk about it, but I will just say that on Saturday evening, Henry and I found one of my Buddys in the road by our house. We had literally just talked to him on our way to CVS. I was scolding him because he had tried to cross the street and a car had to abruptly stop to avoid hitting him. He ran back onto our side of the street and jumped in a tree where he watched me while I shook my finger at him and pleaded with him to be more careful. My heart was pounding but I was relieved he was OK.

Then, only about 10 minutes later, we were walking back from CVS and I saw him lying in the road, on the same block as our house. Henry kept saying things like, “Um, no, I don’t think that’s a squirrel….” but I knew. My eyes are bad, but they’re not THAT bad.

It was one of my Buddys. Pretty sure the same one we had talked to moments before. He didn’t appear to have been hit by a car, because he was fully intact and there was no blood, and oh my god this is killing me to relive….but he was dead, you guys. I asked Henry to bury him but I think he was already prepared to do so. I couldn’t just leave him in the middle of the street! So he is now buried with a peanut behind our house and my heart aches so bad. What if we had been a minute faster in CVS and we could have prevented this!?

I knew this day would eventually come. I am beyond attached to these guys and we live on a busy street, and…it was inevitable. Life is so fucking awful. Nature is horrific.

I want to believe that…maybe he was old? Maybe he was in the process of crossing the street, and his heart was like, “It’s time…” It still sucks, but that is what I need to believe.

Girl Buddy is still here, and a bunch of other Buddys, and the Mr. Gray Guys. But it still hurts knowing that the gang is now minus one big bushy brown tail.

</3

Sep 012021
 

I know it’s only September 1st and still very summer (although today it’s rainy and with just enough chill in the air that I can comfortably wear SWEATPANTS, yessir thank you very much) but I am already getting the tickley sensation in my belly thinking about upcoming FALL stuff. I’m not a super holistic person but keeping a tidy stack of things to look forward to in the near future is something that has been helping me cope with depression, burn-out, and just general life malaise. It’s not a fail-safe of course and this is not me  telling you to flush your anti-depressants and fire your therapist. But this is something that has been helpful for me for a long time now, even though I do have set-backs and sanity slips just like everyone else.

OK anyway, The Doctor is Out. Entertainment Director is In.

  • The third season of YOU is dropping on Netflix is October and I am so fucking ready. I haven’t been having much luck with TV shows lately but I know that another season of YOU is going to deliver the creepy goods. Who knew Dan Humphrey from Gossip Girl would be so perfect in a role like this??

  • Who knows where we will be with covid this fall, thanks to all the SELFISH ASSHOLES in this country. But if haunted houses are safe to attend, I am so ready. It was very sad for me to sit out last season. Yes, some of them were open, but without a vaccine back then, I couldn’t fathom how safe it could possibly be to run through cramped spaces with people screaming all around you. I feel moderately better about it now that we are all vaccinated (bring us the booster though plz we’re ready, stick us good) and will happily wear a mask. I’m hoping to at least go back to Rich’s Fright Farm this October, maybe with Corey and Janna too?? Here’s a blog post I wrote several years ago about my love affair with haunted houses!

Haunted House History

  • I had toyed with the idea of reinstating the PIE PARTY this October, but that was back when everyone was skipping around in a dream-state after getting vaccinated. Now I just don’t think it would be a good idea. I don’t have the balls to be like SHOW ME YOUR VACCINATION CARD OR A NEGATIVE COVID TEST before allowing my friends to enter the park pavilion. And I know, it’s outdoors and it’s not like the pie parties have THAT many attendees, but…would you really feel comfortable helping yourself to a buffet of pies being loomed over by dozens of people who might be strangers to you and even if they’re not, just because they’re your friend or cousin or priest, doesn’t mean you want to eat pie that they breathed on!! So, this pie’s going on the back burner. BUT! That doesn’t mean that Henry still can’t bake ME a pie. Maybe something like THIS FRESH FIG AND LEMON CREAM TART or THIS KOREAN COTTAGE PIE WHICH COULD EASILY BE MADE VEGETARIAN??
  • I haven’t been to the MOVIES since February of 2020 when Janna and I went to see Jojo Rabbit but the Hollywood Theater down the street from me is showing the new Candyman remake and I am considering going to see this, as the Hollywood NEVER is crowded.
  • Looking forward to nice, crisp-weathered cemetery walks where I can listen to audiobooks without having sweat stinging my eyes. Also NATURE-Y HIKES WITH HENRY which always feels like a great idea until we get to the NATURE and then Henry starts identifying birds and giving me facts about TICKS and I become fearful of getting shot at by HUNTERS. Maybe sometime in November I would like to explore some West Virginia shit. Who knows.
  • Speaking of November, I am excited for THANKSGIVING and I am going to ask/tell Henry that we should host a small family dinner here with his mom and my family? SHOULD WE DO THIS? Maybe? All I know is that I am pressed to go to Dollywood that weekend like we did in 2018 and ISTFG that was the best weekend ever, we had so much family fun that it was actually kind of gross??
  • I’m not knocking pumpkin because I do like it even though sometimes I think we get a lillllllllll overboard with the PSL screaming, but what I’m really excited for this season is apple-flavored drinks! I’m not a Starbucks fan by any means but Henry and I had the apple macchiato (their macchiatos are not real though and I will scream this from my self-constructed mountain top until the day that I die!) and it was OK! But the real apple hero is the seasonal chai latte that Black Forge is currently touting, called Hexen. It has cinnamon, honey, violet, and apple in it and it’s SO FUCKING GOOD. It’s so hard to find a good chai latte in Pittsburgh but Black Forge gets it right and I hope that they have a good fall chai latte….brewing. OH!
  • Amusement parks during spooky season are so much fun! We don’t even really do the haunt stuff that they have going on but it’s such an atmospheric boost to walk around theme parks decked out for Halloween.

King’s Dominion Weekend!

  • Oh! I’m looking forward to putting pumpkins on the porch and then watching them rot when Indian Summer’s second wind kicks in!
  • I guess I’m looking forward to trick-or-treating? It’s kind of sad now that Chooch is grown and doesn’t want to participate in this shit anymore and also because we live on a street that doubles as a busy thoroughfare so most kids skip us in favor of the streets more embedded in the bowels of Brookline so we don’t get very many kids AT ALL. But I guess I will still put on the spooky music and prop Trudy-in-a-pig-mask near the door.

Halloween 2019: Highs & Lows But Mostly Lows

Welp, now that I’m looking back on this list, I guess I have a lot to look forward to, and I hope you do too! And you! And you and you and you. Maybe not you, though.

 

 

Aug 272021
 

Yeah, I’ve got very little in me right now so let’s see if I can actually dredge up five whole things from the swamp that is my mind.

1. Hubcap Heaven

I saw this picture of Clarissa Explains It All on Instagram the other day and cracked up because for some reason back when this show was on TV, my mom had really latched on to the fact that she (Clarissa, not Melissa Joan Hart, certainly not the Nickelodeon set designers) had hubcaps on her wall.

So then my mom was like HUBCAPS AS DECOR? LET’S DO IT TO YOUR ROOM. And for some reason, I was like, “Sure let’s” even though I can’t imagine why middle school me would have been into hubcaps.

Even though we were $$$$, my mom decided that in lieu of purchasing shiny new hubcaps, we would just collect them from the streets. “You know, they’re always falling off of cars. If we see one, we’ll just grab it,” she said, like we were some fly-by-night design team.

Do you know how many we collected?

ZERO.

But to this day, every time I see a fucking hubcap on the street (LIKE YESTERDAY ON MY WALK HOME FROM THE DENTIST), I think of this and how excited my mom was to turn my room into an auto body shop.

My room was actually way more awesome than Clarissa’s, now that I’m really looking at it. Ew.

2. Speaking of the dentist….

I went to the dentist yesterday and for the first time since the whole DENTAL DEBAUCLE started back in…2016? 2017? when my childhood dentist retired and I went on a tail spin, I had a GREAT exam! The hygienist first of all loved my dragon fruit purse and we had a great chat about accessories and she told me that my gums looked great and then the dentist came in and was like WOW WHAT AN IMPROVEMENT LOOKING GOOD and I had to look around for the hidden camera because usually he is very doom & gloom and telling the hygienist things like, “WE HAVE TO KEEP AN EYE ON THIS” and “I DON’T LIKE HOW THIS LOOKS” and then he will make grumble sounds under his breath and I panic.

“I HAVE BEEN WORKING REALLY HARD,” I blurted, and he said that HE CAN TELL.

Friends, let this be a warning: do not lapse on your dental exams because you will end up having to get TWO deep cleanings (one by the regular dentist and another ULTRA INTENSE PROFESSIONAL DEEP SCALING by a real life PERIODONTIST). This is what happened to me. I switched dental insurance and my childhood dentist didn’t accept the new insurance and instead of looking for a new dentist, I fell into a FIVE YEAR dental hiatus and that was enough to cause damage even though I was vigilant with brushing and flossing on my own.

3. Henry’s Blue Bunny Honey

Ok let me try to rewrite in a more thrilling manner the story that Henry told me last week about his new WORK BEAU.

Henry has been back on the road, making FAYGO deliveries while they’re short a driver at Faygo Factory. He happened to be making a delivery at this one store last week at the same time as a Blue Bunny ice cream delivery guy. While Henry was in the store, the Blue Bunny guy was going through the store’s order and came upon a STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE popsicle that had the stick protruding from the wrapper. Unable to include damaged product in the order, the guy told the store owner that he would write it off. Then he turned to Henry and said, “Here,” AND GAVE HENRY THE DAMAGED BUT STILL EDIBLE FROZEN DELIGHT.

Honestly, I find it hard to believe that Henry didn’t call me to tell me this straight away, as receiving a free popsicle seems like something that would be worth a telephone call by Henry’s excitement standards.

But no, I didn’t hear about this at all until later that same week, when Henry and the Blue Bunny guy crossed paths AGAIN at another store. This time, Henry overheard the Blue Bunny bro telling the customer that he would credit them for a smashed ICE CREAM SANDWICH. Hearing this likely gave Henry a hard-on, to be honest. Sadly, he did not present Henry with the day’s damaged goods. OR SO HENRY THOUGHT.

Because after it was Henry’s turn to talk to the customer, he went back outside to leave and saw that BLUE BUNNY BUD HAD LEFT THE ICE CREAM SANDWICH ON HENRY’S TRUCK!!!!!

Oh shit son, I was sweating with the giggles at this point. Henry has an admirer!!

(he just walked past me and said that he hasn’t seen him since then. FUCK. What if that guy moves on to a Pepsi guy in Henry’s Faygo-scented absence?)

4. Siblings at Cedar Point

My mom texted me this picture from I believe 1993 and wants us to recreate this and I’m like, “Wow, go back to Cedar Point? Twist my arm.” I can confirm that these…what do you call these things? I can’t remember!! are still there so it’s a viable plan. Both of my brothers say they’re game so let’s see what’s up, fam.

Also, I think it’s funny that the height order is now reversed, almost 30 years later. My brother Ryan said, “I’d still be in the middle though” and this is true. Somehow the youngest sibling has become the tallest – Corey towers over both of us!

5. Let’s End On a Hot Note

I was super into Andre Agassi when I was a YOUNGIN’ so I decided that I need to incorporate this picture of him into my 1980s kitchen somehow and then I fell down the rabbit hole and ended up buying a tennis racket from the early 80s from eBay and Henry was like, “the fuck we doin’ with this now” and I guess I want him to hang it up in the kitchen too!? My cats have never seen a tennis racket before and were NOT INTO IT when I was using their cat toys as tennis balls and serving that shit all around the house.

Man, I miss playing tennis. I was so good at it as a teenager but am willing to bet that I’m a pathetic frump at it now. Also, tennis is the reason my back is EFFED for life. Still love the game though!

***

Well, on that note, I’m going to sign off because the humidity is making me ooze down my chair on a sheath of sweat. Maybe something exciting will happen this weekend but I doubt it. CIAO FOR NOW.

Aug 092021
 

In an effort to cleanse the eyeballs of rollercoaster-related word overload, here is a round-up of bullets featuring the latest bullshit in my life. Wow, such self-importance.

  • Over the weekend, I had this dream where Henry turned out to be some sort of immortal entity, it had something to do with apples like he was an Orchard Overlord or some such bullshit, and therefore told me that we could not be together since I was merely a flesh-sack with an expiration date. I got SUPER hysterical in my dream, could actually feel my heart splintering, and I was following him all around this…ORCHARD?? I JUST REALIZED IT WAS ACTUALLY AN ORCHARD…begging him to “turn me,” god only know what THAT would entail. Anyway, I woke up Sunday morning and was proceeded to oscillate between extreme clinginess and Tourettes-like barrages of insults which obviously is me flirting. HE PLANNED THIS.
  • The first weekend we were home After Vacation, I was sitting on the couch reading when suddenly I heard HNC’s wife-thing shouting from her porch, “HNC! COME GET YOUR FRIEND!” and then she was Yinzer-shrieking, “Shoo! Shoo!” Sure enough, I looked outside and saw that BUDDY (my favorite Buddy at that: GIRL Buddy) was sitting in her yard, noshing on a peanut. Literally, HNC’s wife had to call HNC up from the backyard just to have him walk toward Buddy so that she would come back to our yard. Then he proceeded to stand there, shaking his head and staring at her as she helped herself to more peanuts on our porch WHICH SHE HAS EVERY RIGHT TO DO SO. I am so sick of these people taking offense to every little goddamn thing that happens on this block. KINDLY SIT ON A DICK, THANK YOU.
    • who the fuck SHOOS a squirrel, amirite?! Jesus Christ, what a miserable human.
  • Hello, some vegan treats we’ve had since we’ve been home are as follows: the pandan horchata of my dreams and tamales from Onion Maiden, and donuts from Valkyrie Donuts. Something about the square shape of them makes them even more fun to me. And they were so fucking delicious! I mean, Henry and Chooch didn’t even wait for me to come into the kitchen before they were already hacking away at them.

  • Chooch was cutting the grass the other day (what a shocker, that kid does the bare minimum around here). I was in the house and noticed that there was a loud noise and then silence. Then I hear Wife of HNC say, “DIDYA HIT SOMETHING?” and then a male voice joined in so I looked out the window just in time  to see one of the guys who lives several houses up walking toward our yard with something metal in his hand OH OK IT JUST PART OF THE FUCKING BLADE THAT’S ALL. Whatever Chooch mowed over SNAPPED PART OF THE BLADE OFF and sent it cruising up the block where it struck a telephone pole right next to the neighbor guy, who happened to be working on his car on the street. The sidewalk on our block almost always has pedestrians on it so the fact that no one was there when this happened was so lucky, otherwise it could have been a FINAL DESTINATION scene. Henry Dearest went running outside to pretend like he was there the whole time and hadn’t left his incompetent son unsupervised, and Chooch was like, “Cool I guess that means my lawnmowing privileges’ are revoked, bye.” Meanwhile the neighbor guy was fixated on the fact the blade could have hit a nearby parked BMW, never mind the fact that his fucking head was inches away from becoming a Dario Argento wet dream.
  • Olympics thoughts: while I am depressed that they’re over, I think it’s fair to say that they just weren’t the same. I mean, obviously. I miss Michael Phelps SO MUCH and I hated all the negativity toward Simone Biles (but was also pleasantly surprised to see that she was getting just as much support too!). The whole thing was so underwhelming, just like Jade Carey and her mom:
      • I got super into rhythmic gymnastics this time though  but felt that the Italian team’s routine would have been so much better if they used Goblin’s theme for Suspiria, whoa two Argento references in one post DO I SMELL A MOVIE NIGHT COMING UP?
  • I finally chased down that elusive 365 streak on Duolingo after years of being thwarted by time changes or thinking I had a streak saver thing WHEN I DIDN’T ACTUALLY HAVE ONE.  Literally, one time I lost a huge streak because I was ON THE PLANE HOME FROM THE COUNTRY WHOSE LANGUAGE I AM TRYING TO LEARN.

  • At least once a week I rant to Henry about how much I hate the song American Pie, like I truly fucking want to punt it straight back up into where it came from: Don McLean’s puckered asshole. The radio station Henry has on in our bedroom plays it so fucking much that I truly hear it about once a day. THAT IS A LOT OF AMERICAN PIE. Was it even played that much back in the day when the choices were slim-pickins?? Anyway, this latest time that I heard it, I felt inspired to smash a dish against my face, but instead I texted, “AND I HATE THAT HE RHYMES DOORSTEP WITH STEP, WHAT LAZY FUCKING SONG-WRITING.” Oh, just fuck off!!!
  • MY MISTER SOFTEE SHIRT IS HERE!

  • And let’s end on a bright, positive CAT NOTE:

And as always: COOK ON, MOTHERCHEFFERS!

May 142021
 

Another emotionally exhausting week, coming to a close. Let us celebrate with a photo-dump from my phone and WELL I DON’T KNOW, five things!?

  1. In the Words of My Dad…

I think about this a lot, but it’s funny how similar I am to my dad considering he’s not my biological father. I guess living under the same roof as him for…14 years I think (???) really influenced me. Nature vs. Nurture. Etc etc. He gets super obsessive about things, little things like certain ice cream flavors that will have him pulling a U-y to tail a Reinhold’s delivery truck culminating in an UNDER THE COUNTER ice cream deal in the parking lot of a school.

But now that I am an Older Person, I find that I am also talking like him, in that I sound like a dorky 1950s white man drinking a dorky egg cream in a dorky soda shop not realizing the enormity of his dorkitude.

Except in this case, it was not a soda shop but a cafe in Brookline that I swung by on the way back from my morning walk on Monday. I’m very contrary in the fact that while I usually savor silence in a public place, sometimes I also feel frantic about filling it. And on this particular day, the silence was overwhelming as I stood there waiting for the barista to finish making Chooch’s latte (sometimes I’m a sweetheart of a mother and will bring something back for Chooch depending on how I feel at that given moment, like: did he piss me off at all yet that day, did he use a tone I didn’t appreciate, did he make me FEEL LIKE AN UNCOOL MOM….you know the drill). I needed to say something, and FAST.

Behind the counter is this giant glass contraption that looks like someone was assigned the task of making a four foot tall Days of Our Lives hourglass but then ate some shrooms and wound up with a swirly mess of beakers and tubes instead. I always look at it when I’m at this joint, but on this day I felt INSPIRED TO INQUIRE.

“Do you guys actually use that thing or is it just decoration?” I asked, jutting my chin toward it because I had no idea what it was called.

The barista glanced at me to see what I was referring to and said, “Oh, we use that. It’s how we make our cold brew.”

And then, in the most DORKIEST, THIGH-SLAPPING, CHOKING ON ENTHUSIASM VOICE OF ALL, I exclaimed, “MAN, I’d like to see that in action!”

Man. I’d. Like. To. See. That. In. Action.

Such a Dennis Kelly thing to say. So over the top.

Then she said, “Oh it’s not very interesting. It moves very slowly.”

I just stood there awkwardly, wind sucked out of my sails, and she asked, “You asked for almond milk right?” And life went on.

I still don’t know what that thing is called.

2. Chooch the Half-Vaccinated!

When the vaccine was approved for ages 12-15 this week, I kept refreshing all the various pages waiting for appointments to be available. I was able to snag one for Chooch for yesterday!

He was annoyed that I wanted to take a picture BUT IT IS A BIG MOMENT, OK. Note that he got the worst band-aid out of all of us. I got that weird UFO thing and we all know that HENRY got the best ones out of everyone.

Chooch sincerely didn’t care though. He basically showed no emotion at all because he’s 15 and has none, although he did express mild interest in watching the vaccine being pushed into his arm. I sadly wasn’t there to witness this though because I was working motherfucking LATE SHIFT which hopefully will be over for me at the end of summer but who knows.

Anyway, I posted this picture of Chooch on Instagram and ONE OF MY FAVORITE BANDS LIKED IT because OH YEAH THEY FOLLOW ME.

Yes, I screenshot this bitch 5 seconds after it happened. I live a very full life.

Anyway, we are going to the first amusement park since 2019 tomorrow so I feel better knowing that Chooch is at least 1/2 way to ClubVaxx.

3. The Subject of Selcas

To the horror of many, I am trying to post more selfies and also attempting to stop being so rigid and averse to having someone else take my picture, which is why I have been asking Chooch  to take some of me occasionally if I’m wearing a cute shirt or whatever. I’m doing this because there are YEARS UPON YEARS where I shied away from the camera in general and only shared very curated selfies because I am/was so self-conscious and vain, but now there is like….no evidence of my existence.

First of all – I’m not perfect. I’m not a model. But…that’s not a secret?! So, I’m trying to have fun and live my life and share more so that one day Chooch can show his family pictures of GRANDMA having fun at an amusement park or whatever instead of being like, “Here are 8734984739823 pictures of me and yr granddad (GrandHimMan??) at Kennywood but none of PRINCESS GRANDMA because she wouldn’t let us take any of her because she FELT FAT that day or HER GRAY HAIRS WERE STANDING OUT TOO MUCH.”

Like, get over it, Erin.

P.S. Selca is Korean for selfie OMG I TEACH YOU GUYS SO MUCH.

4. WHEN WENDY MET BUDDY

Wendy stopped by my house yesterday to drop off Chooch’s birthday present and of course she had stuff for me too, LIKE  THIS ACCURATE COFFEE CUP!!

It was exciting because aside from Blake & Haley (who had no reaction to the changes to the house) and the Landlord and his appraiser (SEE #5), no one has really been here to see the changes we made! I was very happy to show Wendy all of the stuff we did around here in the past year, especially the kitchen! BUT the best part was right as Wendy leaving – she opened the door and said, “Oh! The squirrel is here!” And sure enough, Girl Buddy was camped out in front of the Bistro, noshing casually on her peanuts. She adjusted her position slightly so that she could look up at us.

“She’s not even running away!” Wendy said, “this is so cool!”

“Yeah, she’s very accommodating,” I explained. “She lets us use the porch as long as we don’t get in her way.” And then I got to show Wendy how I hand-feed her walnuts! In my head, I was like, “COME ON BUDDY, TAKE IT – DON’T MAKE ME LOOK LIKE AN ASSHOLE” and thankfully, she took the walnut from my hand because if she hadn’t, Wendy certainly would have reported back to the rest of the group at work that I’m a liar.

What I think is the funniest though is that both of my cats were at the window, watching Wendy get out of her car and as soon as they saw that she was walking up our sidewalk, they bolted at breakneck speed. Yet Buddy was just like “‘Sup” when she saw Wendy. Lol.

Brief intermission to drool over the latest batch of Sugar Spell pints: Funfetti Chip, Mother’s Day Mudslide (POSSIBLY MY NEW FAVORITE?), White Chocolate Raspberry Cheesecake. OMG.

5. THE HOUSE TOUR

On Mother’s Day, HNC called Henry to see if he got an email from the landlord re: BRINGING AN APPRAISER OVER. Henry was like OMG OOPS MISSED THAT EMAIL and yes, it’s true, an appraiser was scheduled to come over the very next day and I started panicking, not because the house was a wreck because it’s almost always presentable now that we essentially started from scratch during the pandemic and uncluttered the fuck out of it, but because DOES THIS MEAN HE IS GOING TO TRY AND SELL AGAIN??

This happened a few years ago and it was so scary because we were 100% in no position to buy a house and you guys, our rent for half of a house is ridiculously cheap. Like, I had no idea how cheap it was until people around me started looking for apartments to rent in the city and told me what the average rent is and I was like OMFG I COULD NEVER AFFORD THAT, WE HAVE TO LIVE HERE FOREVER.

Now we ARE in a good position to buy a house but I don’t FEEL LIKE IT right now??? I’ve talked about this before and it’s super boring so let’s skip this part of the story.

I wanted Henry to ask the landlord what the meaning of this was but he was all calm about it and said HE IS PROBABLY JUST TRYING TO TAKE OUT A LOAN OR SOMETHING CALM DOWN but hahaha do you know me? The next morning, I had my monthly check in with Wendy at work and instead of saying hello, I blurted out I AM SO STRESSED OUT. Anyway, Henry had to come home during his delivery route and park his big ass Faygo truck across the street in the church parking lot because I threatened to not open the door for this lady, so per usual, Henry had to come home and be the adult for both of us.

The LANDLORD was in tow and I was like OH THIS IS FUCKING GREAT because he hasn’t been in this house in actual years so he didn’t  know that it looks like a literal clown car of interior decorators came in here and turned the joint into a Crayola box.

I took refuge in the bedroom, pretending to be ON A WORK CALL, while Henry waited at the front door. I knew JUDGEMENT DAY had come when I heard a woman scream, actually scream, “OH MY GOD I LOVE THIS!!!!”

Chooch, who was in his room “in class,” poked his head out of his door and made a face like, “and you were so worried.” Henry said the landlord didn’t really say anything, but also didn’t seem angry that we painted so much (we’re technically not supposed to paint) and if anything, he was probably happy that we made his dumb property look so good and impressed the appraiser.

She did have to come into our bedroom while I was on MY WORK CALL and I am such a bad actor, I just stood there in the middle of the room with a dead phone up to my face, while she waved and mouthed, “YOU’RE FINE I JUST HAVE TO PEEK, I’M NOT TAKING PICTURES!” She seemed really nice and now I’m kind of sad that my weird reclusiveness prevented me from actually talking to her and enjoying all the compliments she was apparently SHOWERING HENRY WITH.

When I heard her ask him, “Are you the artist of the house?” I almost dropped my WORK CALL act and slid down the steps headfirst to insert my ACTUALLY….into that moment.

Then I heard Henry ask the landlord, ever so casually, if he’s trying to sell the places again and Landlord said, “No no no! I’m just looking to get some seed money to acquire more property.” THANK FUCKING GOD. I did not want to be looking to buy a house with a landlord-lit fire under my ass.


And I will leave you with pictures of THAT BABE WONHO because he has really been flourishing since we brought him home in January!

Look at those new leaves!!

May 072021
 

*(Is this even right, I don’t FRENCH. I KOREAN. Barely.) This week has really been an emotional whirlwind and I am glad to have reached the end. Here is an assortment of FIVE THINGS that happened or are just ON MY MIND (what little I have left of it!).

  1. Unmasked Entitlement

Chooch and I went to Target on Saturday and, more than an entire year into the global pandemic/Great Face Mask Debate, I saw my first display of anti-mask’ing entitlement in real time.

SCENE: Front of Target, at the bargain bins (SOMETIMES THEY HAVE CUTE CONTAINERS THAT I CAN USE AS PLANT POTS). 

Some Broad, sans mask, breezes out of the bathroom. She could be anywhere from her late 20s to late 30s – it’s hard to tell with all the FAKE TANNING and BRONZER seared to her puckered face. She is wearing MARBLED LEGGINGS and a t-shirt, PROBABLY EITHER COMING OR GOING TO A SPIN CLASS. Her hair is a choppy bob, BLEACHED AND CRISPY. She has the gravely voice of someone who has been smoking since puberty and screams at her husband a lot. Not white trash, but more…fake rich trash.

Target Lady, middle aged and looks pretty NO-NONSENSE, like she has put in her time of raising numerous children over the years and is not trying to TAKE SHIT from anyone, especially ENTITLED TARGET SHOPPERS WHO PROBABLY ROOTED FOR THE INSURRECTIONISTS. “Excuse me, you need to put a mask on,” she says to Some Broad.

“I’m just going to be in here for a minute,” Some Broad fires back as she strides past Target Lady and me, heading straight for the Starbucks kiosk. The way she said it was coated in sardonic friendliness and I was like OH SHIT because I know that passive aggressive masked-belligerence tone, usually paired with a stiff smile and GLARING, SQUINTY EYES.

Don’t mind me, just standing here smelling the $3 candle jars….

“Well, you still need one,” Target Lady called after her, standing akimbo behind her sanitation station.

“Then bring me one,” Some Broad shouted snottily over her shoulder as she entered the Starbucks kiosk.

I’m standing there, barely putting any effort into my candle-sniffing ruse at this point and openly spectating, wondering how this will play out.

At first, Target Lady looked like she was going to concede defeat, but then mostly to herself she said, “You know what, I WILL,” and she snatched one of the blue disposal masks from her cart and marched over to the entrance of the Starbucks area. “Here you go,” she said, holding out the mask. But SOME BROAD would not budge from the Starbucks counter. She simply held out a limp hand, standing 15 feet away from Target Lady, forcing Target Lady to enter the Starbucks area and bring the mask ALL THE WAY TO HER.

Then we had the strained “THANKS” and “MMMMMM” exchange, at which point Target Lady turned and stormed away. We made eye contact as she walked past me and I said, “I am so sorry that you had to deal with that” and she was just like “YOU KNOW” with an eye roll. Meanwhile, SOME BROAD (who, now that I play this back in my mind, I’m not even sure she even put the mask on?!!?) proceeded to ask the Starbucks barista, “what kind of iced coffee do you have.”

Are you fucking kidding me. But, I guess getting people to read menus for her helps her achieve the next level of Ultimate Entitlement.

I just really hate people like that. Even if she is fully vaccinated (to give her the benefit of the doubt), we are still required to wear masks inside and this is not an attack on any fucking freedom, I’m so goddamn sick of it. Like my friend Todd said after I told him this story, we were told forever ago that we have to wear shirts when we go in stores, and that has been  going just fine. What’s one additional TINY PIECE OF FABRIC even matter in the grand scheme of things? Is that what you really want to expend energy fighting for? I’m just so sick of selfish Americans.

Imagine the life Some Broad probably leads. I bet she got into her FORD EXPLORER and went home to her suburban McMansion, put on some Kate & 8 reruns, heated up a Lean Cuisine. and trolled her ex’s Facebook. Dumb bitch.

2. Genesis Sibling Night

My bro Corey texted me last week to tell me that GENESIS is coming to Pittsburgh and thank god he told me because I am so disconnected from the Western entertainment world that I honestly had no idea. We both signed up for the verified fan presale and were both selected, so we got the opportunity to purchase tickets three days before the general sale and BOY WAS I NERVOUS. Big concerts are so fucking stressful to buy tickets for, I hate it so much. And I haven’t had to do this since the SuperM concert in 2019!!

But I like that Ticket Master is all “let’s fuck those bots up their stainless steel assholes” by having legit fans verify themselves and use special links and codes in order to get tickets. IT WAS STILL STRESSFUL THOUGH!!

I took one of the team and offered to do the purchasing since Corey wasn’t going to be home when sales went live, and I was sweating gumballs, to quote my grandma. First, it was saying my code was invalid then it was mad because I was leaving single seats stranded or something and that was a new thing to me, and then when I finally secured two seats and went to pay, it stayed on that “HOLD TIGHT WHILE WE VERIFY YOUR SEATS” screen for like 10 minutes before TIMING OUT and dumping me back into the seating chart page.

I was screaming!!

BUT. I was able to get two slightly better seats because of that.

Floor seats were outrageous, but this was the next best thing, as far as I could tell from the tiny dots I was looking at!

So, five years after THE HOUSE ON GILLCREST drama, my brother Corey and I will be seeing for the first time the band that I think we both grew to love from all the time we spent at our grandparents’ house growing up. The “Invisible Touch” album is definitely the soundtrack to my kitchen! When I listen to that while muddling through my breakfast preparation in the mornings, I feel like I could conquer the world.

All I know is that if/when Tonight Tonight Tonight is performed, I am going to lose my fucking mind.

3. Buddy & the Babies

Remember when I mentioned the other day that we discovered Girl Buddy wasn’t actually pregnant but that she HAD ALREADY HAD THE BABIES? Well, she’s been bringing them around every day now and they are so fucking cute. They look more like pre-teens because they apparently don’t  leave the nest for several months, so she likely had them sometime last fall maybe? Beginning of winter? I don’t fucking  know, I didn’t go to college for Squirrelogy! (Though it feels like I’m currently enrolled.)

Ignore the mess – I have to sweep the porch like 87 times a day because of these brats. They are so messy!!

4. More Vintage Vacation Journal Fun

Literally no one requested this but here is ANOTHER PEEK INTO 10-YEAR-OLD ERIN’S VACATION JOURNAL.

The brother in question was not Corey, but my other brother Ryan. I no longer hate him, don’t worry!!

5. SAY IT AIN’T SO, KWANGSOO

Lee Kwang Soo To Leave "Running Man" After 11 Years On The Show

Henry and I don’t watch Running Man regularly anymore (my ADD is off the charts these days)  but when I saw recently that Lee Kwangsoo is stepping down due to health reasons, I actually cried real tears. He is one of my favorites! Henry and I were just recently watching some clips on YouTube and laughing our faces off – that show is so fucking funny, even if you’re not Korean, the humor still comes through and Henry and I have both laughed until our stomachs hurt while watching some of these episodes, and it was largely because Kwangsoo IS SUCH A FUCKING CHARACTER.

I’ve mentioned it on here so many times, but Running Man was one of the first shows I started watching when I got into Korean culture and it will always be so special to me. During both of our trips to Korea, there were numerous times when Henry and I would be like DIDN’T RUNNING MAN FILM HERE?!? and get so giddy over it. (Well, I would get giddy Henry would just say “heh” and move on with his life.) And when I taught myself the hangeul alphabet, watching Running Man was like unlocking so many doors in my mind because suddenly I could read the names on the name tags, and even some of the words on  the screen!

For those who don’t know, Running Man is a variety show with a fixed cast (Kwangsoo was one of the OG members) and usually they will have celebrity guests on, too. The ones with BIGBANG are the BEST, obviously! It’s called Running Man because in the beginning seasons, the shows would culminate in a huge game of tag, essentially, where everyone would have to try and rip each others’ name tags off.

Anyway, Kwangsoo was the “maknae” (youngest) of the cast and the abuse he endured was hilarious and also painful to watch at times! This show really takes a physical toll on all of the members and I hope that Kwangsoo spends his Running Man-less time taking care of himself and getting some much-needed rest. But oof, he will be missed. :(

And for your Friday Night Viewing Enjoyment, here’s a compilation of some of the best tag elimination / chases over the years! Seriously, this show makes me laugh so hard. America could never have a show like this.

Mar 262021
 

When I first started to listening to Kpop in 2015, I was surprised for several reasons:

  1. I don’t know what I was expecting Kpop to sound like, but my first impression was to think: “Holy shit this music is better than anything I’ve been hearing on American radio.” I was TOTALLY part of the problem, you guys. I had subconsciously written it off in my head as “lesser than” because the majority of white Americans, whether we know it or not, are programed to think this way unless presented with an opportunity to deviate from the racist norm of this damn country and come up with their own damn opinion. And as annoyed as I am when I share a Kpop MV with a work friend and they say “That’s actually good,” I can’t be too critical because I was once that person, too.
  2. There are a lot of Kpop idols who are actually Asian American. (Also: not all Kpop idols are Korean.)

In America, AAPI is invisible to the music industry. Think about it: how many Asian Americans can you name that are currently on rotation on Top 40 radio stations? Now go back several several decades and think about it. The more I started learning about Kpop and getting into different groups, I learned that the Asian American members left the US (Canada too) and moved to South Korea in an effort to have a better chance at a music career. And these artists, you guys, they have more talent than most of the shit we are being forcefed in car commercials, the grocery store aisles, etc.

Imagine, as a kid, knowing that you were born with this beautiful voice, or the body to dance like no other, and realizing at a certain point that your odds of breaking into the US whitebread market are pretty abysmal. So now you have to leave your family and home behind and move across the world to South Korea in hopes of building a career off your natural talent.

Imagine that.

When I first got into BIGBANG and realized how huge they are around the rest of the world, I was naively shocked that I had never heard of them before, and also perplexed at how they hadn’t managed to crossover to the US market like Psy had (btw Psy is not a one-hit wonder, and I always have to laugh when people here think that Gangnam Style was just some gimmicky one-off – Psy is insanely popular everywhere else and has his own label now). And when BTS’s ambitious fans aggressively pushed them into the ears of America, I was really excited at first but then realized, “Wait, this is America, this could be bad” and sure enough – the racists proved me right. The comments I’ve seen on articles or Instagram posts about them have been heartbreaking, infuriating, and just plain disgusting.

I was having a conversation once at work with my friend Regina about BTS, and when I said that they aren’t even the best Kpop group, just the ones who got lucky enough to make it big, she was like,  “I wonder why it hasn’t happened to more groups yet.” I looked her dead in the eye and said, “Because America only has room for one.”

So today, I want to put the spotlight on some of my favorite Asian American singers who deserve so much more recognition here in the US and I am BEGGING you to listen to at least one or two, please, show your support to these hardworking and talented people!!

  1. Jessi

Born in New York, Jessi is so goddamn badass. Not only is her music fierce, but her personality is HUGE! Henry and I love watching her on Korean TV shows, making everyone uncomfortable, lol

Why isn’t this on the radio here?

2. Amber Liu

Amber is probably my favorite from this list. Once a member of the beloved SM group f(x), she is now back in LA pursuing a solo career and we NEED TO SUPPORT HER. The CRJ vibes in this one, tho:

And if you’re looking for something to add to your Peloton playlist, this is one of her older solo songs, when she was still in Korea:

I believe f(x) was actually the first Kpop group to ever perform at SXSW, which is a fun Amber-related fact. (Yes – it was in 2013!)

3. Bobby

Bobby is a Korean rapper from Virginia. He moved to South Korea, won a bunch of music survival shows, and went on to become one of the most prominent rappers in the scene. He’s currently the rapper in Ikon, but he has some solo stuff as well:

I also want to include this track he did several year ago with a side project of his and Song Mino’s:

4. Eric Nam

Eric is from Atlanta, and before we get into his music, I want to leave you with a link to the Op Ed piece he wrote for Time in the wake of the Atlanta spa shootings. 

This is SUCH AN ICONIC SPRING JAM FOR ME.

5. Tiffany Young

Tiffany was born and raised in California and moved to Seoul as a teenager to become a trainee at SM, where she subsequently became a member of one of THE MOST LEGENDARY KPOP GIRL GROUPS IN THE WORLD: Girl’s Generation. She opted to not renew her contract a few years ago and has since been working on her US solo career.

Every time I hear this song, I mourn the fact that it wasn’t around in the 80s for me to request at my rollerskating birthday parties:

You know what guys? Fuck Friday 5! Here are some more!

6. Ailee

HOLY FUCKING SHIT THIS GIRL’S VOICE COULD BE A WEAPON. Every time I listen to her, I lament the fact that she’s not rubbing elbows with Beyonce at the top of the charts. How!? This is a travesty.

I’m posting this but I can’t watch it because this song is from my favorite Korean drama, Goblin, and just hearing the opening notes guts me, but this is an excellent example of Ailee’s live vocals:

But yeah, keep putting Taylor Swift at the top, America.

7. Henry Lau

Henry is actually Canadian-born but I’m including him here because he’s Henry and this list would be remiss without him because he is a DELIGHT and also a classically trained violinist.

^^^^ This is from another FANTASTIC Korean drama: While You Were Sleeping, and now I’m crying lololol.

My Henry also loves Henry, lol.

8. Chungha

Chungha is another bonus/exception because she was born in South Korea and then spent a chunk of her childhood in Texas. But when she decided she wanted to pursue a career in entertainment, she moved back to South Korea. America, we could have had this:

You guys know she’s one of my faves so I had to fit her into this list!!

****

I know that sharing some music videos isn’t revolutionary or a game-changer in the grand scheme of things, but I really am trying to keep this #StopAsianHate conversation going. I’m saddened at how little I have been seeing across my social media on this topic. Where are all the white allies?! White influencers have also been suspiciously quiet (but you go ahead and post those photos of your Starbucks match latte!).

I hope that you will take some time to watch some of these. Maybe you will find something you like! It’s beyond time for the American music industry to start being more inclusive. I personally have had enough of Halsey and all the other girl singers that do that weird fake baby vocal fry. Let’s make room for the Ambers and Ailees of the world, thank you.

(I am also donating 100% of March sales over at Hello Hanguk to AAPI organizations, and Henry and I also signed up for a Bystander Intervention training webinar. There is so much more work to be done, so much more education we need to seek out, and so much more self-reflecting that we can do. Don’t be ashamed to admit that you need to work on adjusting the lens in which you see others, because I definitely have a long ways to go! I can’t, as a white person, sit here and say that I am 100% perfect because I clearly am discovering hidden biases within myself that I never knew existed until it had the opportunity to be exposed. (Case in point: my “shock” that Kpop music was “actually good.”)

Mar 052021
 
  1. Henry’s Pelican Rescue Club

Did you guys know that the Greek island Mykonos has a pelican mascot names Petros? I didn’t either until I was watching a YouTube video about Mykonos and there was this big ass friendly bird  hanging around a cafe/bakery-ish place and all of these people were treating him like he was a local and he was going inside the place and back behind the counter like he owned it and no one even did a double take. At first I was screaming “WHAT KIND OF BIRD IS THAT” because I am le Dumb at times and Henry calmly said, “That’s a pelican.” I guess I have only seen cartoon pelicans before because for some reason that would not have been my guess.

Anyway, now my curiosity was piqued so I started researching this pelican and ALLEGEDLY as the story goes, back in the 50s a fisherman rescued a pelican and then he became a mainstay, like a tourist attraction, just chilling and being super adorbs to all who passed by. THEN IN THE 80s HE DIED (some people say he was hit by car, I will fucking murder that car if it’s true) and Jackie O., who adored the OG Petros, gifted the island with a new one. NOT SURE if this pelican is still Petros v2.0 but they do apparently have quite a long lifespan, so maybe?

Totally out of the blue, or kapchuggi as one would say in Korea, Henry offered a bit of his SERVICE life to me (these always come in pieces at the most surprising moments.). EVIDENTLY, when he was in PANANA (I can’t even type this without hearing Van Halen in my airy head), HE TOO SAVED A PELICAN!!! According to Henry, he and his SERVICE bro-skis came upon a pelican that was caught in fishing line so they (probably emphasis on “they” and not “Henry”) untangled the pelican and took it to a vet.

“OH MY GOD, WAS IT OK!?!?!?” I cried in horror.

“Well, yeah, I wouldn’t have brought it up otherwise,” Henry scoffed, like I should have known better than to ask.

Of course, days later, I’m still thinking about this shit and I’ve got questions. Like:

  • How did they know where that was if they didn’t have an iPhone to google NEAREST VET IN PANAMA THAT WILL ACCEPT A PELICAN?
  • Who was the actual hero
  • WAS TIM THERE
  • Who carried the pelican?
  • IS HE CERTAIN THE PELICAN WAS OK????
  • Did he get a badge or medal for these heroics?!!?

So I texted Henry just now and demanded that he give me more details. His response?

“That was over 39 years ago and we had been up all night drinking. That’s about all I remember other than what I told you.”

Wow, way to keep a diary, Henry.

(He did confirm that there was no reward for his extracurricular bravery, though.)

He provided this picture of his bro-skis en route to the beach that day! Wow. Those shorts.

MORE INFO: The only other detail Henry can provide is that the guy in the blue shirt is EARL and he got KICKED OUT OF THE ENTIRE SERVICE FOR SMOKING WEED.

The rest of the blog post is all downhill from here, I’m afraid.

2. Actual Ice Cream Sandwich

I have kind of started letting myself watch travel vlogs on YouTube again even though it hurts because BITCH, WHEN but I’m bored and there’s nothing else to do but dream, you know how it is, we’re all in this together! Watching these travel vloggers makes me think back to when I was younger and going on trips with my family, and I honestly can’t remember STREET FOOD or NOVELTY SNACKS or anything like that being “a thing” for travelers to experience in the 80s and 90s. Granted, we always went on chartered tours, but you would think that after visiting Amsterdam like 4x back then, I’d have eventually partook in a stroopwaffle!? You know what I mean? But it was never a thing that was offered to us! Just cheese! So it made me wonder if the whole “foodie” part of traveling just wasn’t as popular then as it is now?

I mean, of course we had regional food in every place we visited, it’s not like we were eating, I dunno, taco salads in Italy or whatever, and we definitely gorged on gelato. But I don’t remember any of the “tourist destinations” being food-based. I’m not making sense, I know. In my slush-brained head, I know what I mean, but life is eroding what semblance of coherence I have left.

The only thing that stands out to me, and I was so excited when I remembered this the other night, was this one time when we were in Taormina, Sicily. We had free time one night so my aunt and I were strolling around, she was probably trying to pick up men and I was probably trying in vain not to look fat, when we stumbled across this street vendor who lured us over with the promise of ice cream. What he was selling ended up being Sicily’s version of the ice cream sandwich – literally ice cream tucked inside a bread bun. I remember thinking, “THIS IS PROBABLY NOT GOING TO BE GREAT” because I was 12 and basically a hormonal monster who hated everything on principle.

But it was motherfucking fantastic. Sharon and I were OBSESSED with it and I couldn’t wait to go home and tell everyone about it and by that I mean that I scooped some low quality freezer section vanilla onto your basic Wonderbread hamburger bun and made my family try it.

Of course they were like, “This….ain’t it” and I was so mad because HOW COULD I GET SO FUCKING WRONG.

I felt inspired to look up videos about this delicacy and made Henry watch it with me.

“Oooooh, brioche! They use brioche, yeah that makes sense,” I said, because I’m sure I didn’t know THE FUCK a brioche was when I was 12, ok.

“Yeah, that would make a big difference,” Henry sighed.

3. Fudge Factory 

Speaking of ice cream, Henry was perusing some ice cream shop on Instagram and salivating all up in his face-fur. But then he angled his phone to show me the pictures and suddenly I too had drool pooling in my face-fur….wait.

The name of the place is The Fudge Factory, which I’ve never heard of, so I asked him where it’s located, and before he had a chance to answer, I screeched, “UP YOUR BUTT!!!!!” because that is my standard response anytime Chooch or Henry asks where something is, and this TIME IT ACTUALLY MADE SENSE!

I was wheezing!!!! Now I had tears of laughter commingling with the Homer drool in the nooks and crannies of my chins. Even Henry KIND OF laughed, the type of laugh that he tries to stifle lest he encourage me further. So then I had to run upstairs and replay the whole scene for Chooch, who laughed out loud and then quickly tried to take it back because, you know, teenagers can’t think their parents are funny.

4. SHINee video

Probably no one will watch this but I’m still sharing because it’s FUCKING HEART-WARMING. The part where the one girl asks, “Why are there only 4 of you now?”

OUCH MY DUMB HEART.

Even aside from that though it’s fun to watch them relive their journey from debut to now. Their career has been legendary. SHINee for-fucking-ever.

5. I Saw a Person!!

I bought Girl Scouts from one of my old high school friends, Felicia. She mentioned on IG that her daughter was selling them, thank god, because I didn’t have any cookie hook-ups this year! Of course, her daughter wasn’t selling the ones I really wanted (the maple ones that Kara texted me about and got me all hyped for!!)

Funnily, Felicia and I were also in Girl Scouts together and her mom was our troop leader. I’ve only really seen her once since high school (she came to one of my pie parties – AND HER MOM DID TOO!) so it was nice to not only see a real life person on my front porch, but also one that I’ve known since literally first grade.

Anyway, we chatted for a few minutes and she mentioned that she runs one of the Texas Roadhouse franchises and I fucking swear to god as she said it, we both in tandem looked slowly down at the crazy collection of peanut shells under my front window and started cracking up. Thank god we follow each other on IG and she knows all about my squirrel exploits, lol.

But yeah, I am fucking starved for human interaction (aside from the dumdums I live with) so I almost clutched her arm and begged her not to leave.

God love Girl Scout cookies, but man they really get skimpier and skimpier with the quantity each other, don’t they? DAMN.

“But it’s for a good cause, Erin!”

Ugh, whatever. I only ordered three boxes: Tagalongs, Samoas, and Lemon Ups or whatever they’re called. I got to have one samoa, one tagalong, and three of the lemon ones before Henry and Chooch devoured the rest like trash compactors for cookies. Jesus.


BONUS: SPEAKING OF BUDDY, here he is eating his walnuts and watching SHINee videos. He has the best life!

Now to get through Friday late shift. What a drag.