I’ll tell you, it certainly does not feel like spring as some crazy snow storm thing is blowing in but whatever. Here’s a Monday bullet train of things!

• A new cafe opened down the street in Dormont! I already forget the name but it’s owned by the neighboring Vietnamese restaurant and they have boba, so when Chooch was home we walked there on one of my lunch breaks. It was delightful! I got a triple taro boba and Chooch got an iced Vietnamese latte or something, I can’t remember but the young guy working there was so friendly and I felt like I knew him from a TV show or something. Anyway, look at how cutely aesthetic this place is!

• Can we just take a moment to think about how amazing Cory Booker and his 25 hour filibuster was? Just in case you didn’t know, I have been his fan girl for many years and he was my presidential pick for 2020. I was so bummed when he dropped out of the primaries, and I couldn’t vote for him.
• Speaking of politics and being bummed (this could go in so many directions actually) I had big FOMO that I couldn’t attend the #HandsOff protest on Saturday. We had prior plans and I didn’t want to bail last minute on those but shooooo, watching the footage from all over the country (and parts of the world!) had me screaming in solidarity! I heard there might be another round on the 19th – we’ll be in Philly visiting Chooch so I asked him if we could do it if it’s happening and he said, “I guess.” That’s mommy’s patriotic boy.
• Mark (or MORK as Haechan would say) just dropped his first full length album today and it is perfection! I am so proud of him. Let’s watch this together, shall we?

• New Girl Buddy has babies! I’m not sure how many yet but they are living in HNC’s porch roof as usual lol and every so often I will see one of them poking their little head out of the hole in the roof, like a little sardine and it’s so cute! I keep telling Girl Buddy to bring them over but she always turns her back on me when I talk to her. She’s kind of bitch, just gonna say it.

• I started eating blueberries again, for the first time since Bambi died. I’m not exactly sure where the correlation is there but I just know that I used to snack on them daily and then she died in front of me and I never wanted to eat blueberries again. But now I’m reintroducing them into my life. I also started painting my nails again after having bare nails since November because I lost the will to do these miniscule things that used to be habitual. I am still very hollow in some sense, and I definitely still cry every day, but I consider these to be pretty successful baby steps. Although, Janna recently sent me pictures of kittens and then sent me into a downward spiral lol. Baby steps, more like in utero doggypaddling.
  • The dichotomy is nutzo though because usually when I am this depressed, I shut myself off but lately I have been more social than ever and even though I am still in this weird limbo, I am at least enjoying life in the moment so that is a relief to me because for many mths there I felt like I could die at any moment and not care at all.
• Ugh Henry is two rooms away and I can still hear him eating. Then we just made eye contact and he froze mid-chew and I am so annoyed. He is so annoying when he chews. It’s like he’s claymation, there is no need for a human to make such exaggerated facial movements.
• I never thought that after decades of pointedly ignoring economics I would be suddenly understand tariffs, by no choice of my own, way better than the “president” of the United States.Well, I really think that’s all that I’ve got to say for now. Be nice to your neighborhood squirrels. 

I have nothing left to give today so Henry suggested, “Hey SWEETIE why don’t you let me do a guest post today? I could tell your imaginary friends about my five favorite songs that NCT127 performed last Friday since you have been too lazy to do your own concert review.”

In so many words.

I’ll try to include live performances where possible if I can find decent quality, whether it’s from the Chicago show or not, who cares.

So I guess he will dictate the rest of this post to me. Bye.

1. GAS

Why, Henry? “Because I like the song.”

God OK, Henry, calm down.

2. Bring the Noize

Why, Henry? “All of my reasons are going to be I like the song, I don’t know.”

Great. I also like this song so much but it was sad without Jaehyun (he’s in the military).

3. 2 Baddies

Do you have anything to add, Henry? “I just like the song. It’s better live.”

4. Regular

Anything to add about Regular? “Um, not really. No.”

5. Kick It & Walk (tied)

Kick It is Henry’s favorite NCT127 song of all time yet when we were at the DDP in Korea last year and they had the video for it playing on a huge screen with no audio, he DID NOT KNOW WHAT IT WAS. I was actually sickened. The choreo for Kick It is super distinguishable!?

I’m not asking him any more questions because his non-answers are pissing me off.

What an absolute waste of time, but there you have it – Henry’s top 5/6 favorite songs from last week’s NCT127 concert where apparently, he added Mark as his co-bias with Yuta??!? He just told me this the other night! I was like, “Wow OK, Mark coming in out of nowhere.”

On our way back to Chicago for another concert! NCT127 this time and I am so excited – their last time in the US was 2022 and even though they’re down 2 members due to military enlistment and 1 due to being a garbage human, I gotta go and support the rest of them.

1. Corey Haim 2.0

G-Dragon’s return has made me feel alive again. The pure joy and excitement I have felt this past week after his new album dropped is reminding me of…well, what it used to feel like to be me before 2024 came and terrorized my soul. But with this has also come the ADMITTEDLY DELULU dream of GD being my soulmate (lol I can’t even type this without cracking up at how much of an asshole I am). Since Henry is my best friend, I told him that I have two fantasy scenarios in which I meet GD and he falls in love with me:

• 1. We meet TOTALLY BY RANDOM at the Warhol Museum where I pretend to not know him and we instantly imprint on each other probably in the cloud balloon room if that’s even still there after making eye contact in a balloon’s reflection and then we both smile at each other and for some reason he really likes my Sloth face. Then he comes to my house because he’s hiding from sasaeng fans and I have to run around hiding all of my kpop stuff when he’s not looking and then everything is going fine until he sees the pictures of Korea on the wall (I do tell him that I’ve been to Korea but not bc of Kpop) and he’s really impressed and happy that I admire his country’s culture but then he’s like “why do you have a picture with my dad.“

• 2. Pretend that I do know him but I’m very respectful and address him as Jiyong-ssi and speak to him in my jilted Korean and even though I’m a fan he can tell I’m NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS and we imprint on each other and then Dispatch announces on January 1 of the next year that G-Dragon has been secretly dating AN AMERICAN WHITE GIRL who is also kind of fat but love is blind to quote a classic GD track. Then we get married and Taeyang performs at our reception. I guess somewhere along the way I divorce Henry (I think we actually have to go back to Korea if we ever need to get divorced haha).

I mean to be fair this COULD happen because I have been sporadically commenting “Come to Pittsburgh – we have the Warhol Museum” on his IG posts since 2017.

(In case you didn’t know, GD is a big art enthusiast. Duh.)

I was just telling Henry that I haven’t felt this crazy maniacal desperate obsessed with a celeb since I was a kid and only had eyes and room in my head for thoughts about Corey Haim. I had it BAD and that is what this is. This is Corey Haim Syndrome, Adult Years.

And then:

“Wow, GD likes so many posts he’s tagged in on IG. Maybe that’s how I can bait him. What should I post a picture of though?

“You at the Warhol,” Henry mumbled.

2. Priestley Pillow

Piggybacking off the Corey Haim reference, when 90210 first came out I obviously was all about it. I mean, I was in middle school, come on. My dad INSISTED that I “had the hots” for Jason Priestley?! This boiled my blood because hello, Luke Perry?!

One day, of my idiot parents came home with a fucking heart-shaped pillow with Jason Priestley’s face on it and they would take turns whaling it at me.

It was so annoying to me BECAUSE I LOVED LUKE PERRY so I eventually gave the pillow to our German shepherd Rama who did his thang with that effer.

3. PARKING DRAMA REVISITED

There’s always some element of parking drama going on in my neighborhood but last year, the Catholic church across the street brought us all together by becoming our common enemy when they pounded a sign into the ground like a crucifix warning that NO OVERNIGHT PARKING WAS ALLOWED AND ALL VIOLATORS WILL BE TOWED.

I thought I had bitched about that on here when it happened last winter but I guess not – all you need to know is that it threw a lot of in a tailspin because we live in duplexes with garages that are old and narrow so no one actually parks in them, and street parking is not recommended on our block because our street is basically a speedway and accidents happen A LOT.

So we had to work with our neighbors to basically Tetris our cars into one shared driveway. It was fine in the end but annoying.

Eventually, everyone started ignoring the sign and parking over there again with no consequences lol. What are they doing to do, sic God on us.

Anyway!!!! Last Friday I went out for my morning walk and noticed all the cars (mind you, there are only a handful of people who park over there and also the employees from the behavioral health house on our block and the lot is HUGE) had bright orange notices on the windshields. I threw ours out but it said something about NEW MANAGEMENT and NO PARKING WITHOUT A PERMIT IS ALLOWED.

Ok so now no parking AT ALL?! I will tell you right now that I do not like pulling our car down the driveway and parking next to the house because I’m so afraid I’m going to scrape it. One of my many issues.

HNC’s wife was like I WILL GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS because we all decided that if there was an option to just pay for a permit, that would be preferable. I mean not that I want to be giving money to CHURCH but I’d rather that than have my car sideswiped if I park on the street. Plus, it alleviates the future feuds that are bound to materialize with the neighbors while trying to share space.

Guess what the church said?? THAT THEY HAD NO IDEA WHAT SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT.

Turns out, it was the SMALLER EPISCOPAL CHURCH NEXT DOOR!! And it’s not their lot, it’s the Catholics’!!! They lease part of it to them I guess?! So the Catholic Church was like we don’t care if you park there, we’ll get the bottom of it. So now we created a religious turf war! This is so exciting. I wonder if they will stand in the parking lot and shout holy spells at each other.

Fucking Episcopalians. Also you can see the ignored “no parking” sign in the bottom left lol.

Hopefully when G-Dragon takes me back to Korea with him, I’ll never have to worry about these dumb things again.

4. When Henry Found Out Our Car’s Name

We were just talking about how we have to come back out this way again next month because I bought us tickets to see Onew (from SHINee) in Detroit.

“Do you even like Onew?” I asked Henry because I don’t think I ever actually asked him this before??!!

“I guess I do now,” he mumbled and I didn’t like his lack of enthusiasm.

“Well, I like him a lot!” I huffed. “I mean, our car is even named after him.”

“….it is?” Henry asked in a mumble deep fried in confusion.

“Um hello? Yes? I named the car Jinki the day we bought it?!” (Jinki is Onew’s real Korean name.)

So then I had to look up the blog post where the nomenclature was so declared along with a picture of an Onew poca with the car in the background. God!!!

Anyway, a little while later I put on an Onew song and Henry knew it was him so there’s that at least.

________________________________________

INTERLUDE: we’re discussing the upcoming G-Dragon tour and how it’s going to be scary trying to get tickets etc and for some reason Henry used the word “minuscule.”

“WOW, that’s a big word for you. Did you just learn it from one of your lame podcasts?” I instigated.

“I learned the word ‘cunt’ a long time ago and I’m fixin’ to use it,” Henry muttered. LOL WOW SLOW DOWN BUD.

________________________________________

5. ROADTRIP OREO SUCCESS

Our group chat at work yesterday was named after National Oreos Day and someone shared a picture of some new limited edition Post Malone flavor which sparked debate over classic v. Seasonal flavs. Now, I’m no Posty fan by any stretch of the imagination but when I saw that these are salted caramel & shortbread, I decided I could forget the Post Malone part.

My review that I sent to Nate to pass on to group chat:

I’m glad we didn’t have to buy a full pack. They’re not TERRIBLE but the salted caramel creme is an overwhelmingly powerful flavor and the smell of it was almost off-putting when I opened the package. One cookie is OG chocolate, the other side is shortbread. Worth trying once, will never buy again.

So, that’s that!

Also while we were at the rest stop, we were in line at Dunkin and two moms and their daughters got in line behind us and were practically hanging off my back they were so close AND LOUD. I even sidestepped around Henry to get away from them while saying “Jesus Christ those people are so close” – turns out they were DANCE MOMS with their teenaged DANCERS. Figures. I was like “Can you please not??!!” as they jostled me around in an effort to touch and manhandle every bejeweled coffee tumbler on display next to us.

Ok that concludes this edition of Friday Five.

Every week I’m like yeah boi, Friday Five, let’s get it. And then I quickly realize that I do not have five things to talk about. I am going to realllly try hard today though because Henry just left to go to Joann since they’re all closing and he’s trying to stock up on his crafty girl supplies.

1. Onew (!!!) announced a US tour for this spring and I am so stoked about it because you know how much I love SHINee but also, Onew’s solo work is to die for. You know I must really love him because I named our car Jinki which is his non-stage name! Anyway, tickets go on sale next Friday but we’ll be en route to Chicago then and I really don’t want to eff around with Ticketmaster on my phone in the car. Then! I saw that there is a Citi presale on Thursday so I signed up for a Citi credit card just for this. The way Kpop has a death grip on my life, yo. Anyway, wish me luck. We’re hoping to get tickets for the Detroit show at the Filmore!
2. I found out yesterday that DIANE WARREN – songwriting legend – wrote “Drama” with G-Dragon and I am speechless. It made me fall down the Diane Warren rabbit hole last night though because I knew some of her song-writing credits but there were a ton of songs on her “top 10 charting” songs that I loved and had no idea she wrote. “SHE WROTE LOVE WILL LEAD YOU BACK!!!” I screamed to Henry last night, who responded with a group of question marks Double Dutching above his head. “UM, TAYLOR DAYNE??” I scoffed, and then immediately put on the video. “There’s only one Taylor I listen to and that is DAYNE,” I said smugly and considered posting that on Threads but was too tired to deal with Swifties coming for me. Then I just got really pissed because how did she peak so long ago and not go on to be one of the leading Divas of our time!? Also, when I dated Jeff, he mentioned several times that he thought I looked like her (??? I don’t but OK???). And also, a lion. Which, OK. I can see that because I do get angry quite often.

2.5. I am still obviously really riding this G-Dragon wave hard. I can’t tell you how good it feels to wake up every day with G-Dragon in my feed, making TV appearances, smiling, radiating charisma, BEING A FUCKING KING. Ugh, I am still just as obsessed as I was in 2016.

3. OK this is probably somewhat dark but I found the below picture the other night and started laughing (it’s not funny at all actually but also it really kind of is) because I am fairly certain this was from my dad’s birthday in May 1995, after he and I had one of our signature knockdown drag-out fights and he slammed me into the ground in the backyard and then later, my mom was like, “Carry your dad’s birthday cake to Pappap’s house.” UM OK? Are you stupid? Why would you ask me to do that?? Anyway, we had a path that went from our backyard, through the woods (literally) to my Pappap’s backyard so that we wouldn’t have to cut through our neighbors’ backyard to get there. While walking on that path with my brothers, barely holding the cake box, I go – and I remember this V I V I D L Y – “Ooops” as I accidentally-on-purpose dropped the cake onto the ground. LOL Classic Erin, as they’d say! Anyway, I BELIEVE this picture is THAT DAY after everyone sat around to eat the smashed cake and TO BE FAIR only one side of it got ruined as I recall. I showed Henry and got to retell the story that I know I have told him before but he’s almost 60 and doesn’t remember anything. I was cracking up and he just frowned. Also, what was I thinking with that hair color?!!

(WAIT DID I LOOK TAYLOR DAYNE ADJACENT IN THE MID-90s??? I guess I’d have to see a picture of her after she intentionally spite-drops her dad’s birthday cake.)

4. Peenlop Time!!

5. I bought myself this jacket from Unlogical Poem as a Valentine gift to myself (and then I spammed Henry with a link of something else I wanted from Lala which was very annoying to him but he got the hint) and I love it! I wore it to the Abbey last week for our ladies lunch and the early 20s hostess LOVED IT and I was like YEAH YOU DO.

 But these are things I have been allowing myself to do lately – splurge a bit on clothes. When we were coming home from Chicago last week, I was wearing this fuzzy coat I have from Delia*s that has flowers on it and kind of looks vintage? We were at a really crappy Speedway outside of Toledo (I felt like JACK GRIFFIN from AP Bio) and some lady called out, “I LOVE YOUR COAT!” as I was getting back into the car. I KNOW THAT’S RIGHT. I had to immediately text Chooc to tell him this because you all know how much he loves it when strangers love things about me:

Some lady outside of TOLEDO told me she liked my coat today. // In a Speedway parking lot. // You would have been mad. // Maybe someday you’ll have a daughter. // And when I die she’ll be like ‘I want all grandma’s coats and purses.” // And then they’ll all be in your house again.

I know this is an unexpected response, but Chooch said, “Wow” to all of that and then “no” to the last part.

Here’s the aforementioned Delia*s coat from last March!

Welp! That was 5, I did it. I squeezed it out. Let’s end with my new favorite G-Dragon song??

First Friday Five of the New Year, what’s good yo.

1. My Top Nine of 2024

I had already checked out my Top 9 earlier in the month, but now you apparently have to pay to UNLOCK the middle picture? Too bad I already know that it’s the picture of my Bambi memorial tattoo, nice try Diddy.

I feel that these are pretty self-explanatory but:

1. Married in Korea
2. Chooch’s last day of high school
3. Chooch’s graduation
4. Chooch’s first day of senior (wow, a theme you say)
5.  :(
6. Chooch’s graduation party
7. Bambi’s memorial IG post :(
8. Making our wedding bands in Korea
9. A click-bait re: Chooch letting me buy him a jacket in Korea because it was March and chilly and he only packed t-shirts per his norm.

2. We Got a Rug

….we got a rug. It doesn’t fit the entire back porch but it covers most of the cold cement that wasn’t already covered by another rug. I like this. It was cheap and fits the bill. And so PINK! It arrived just in time for Chingumas which was nice because the weather was mild enough to use the porch as a “party annex” and the rug made it feel so cozy.

3. Suprise Package

My co-worker Amanda sent me this cute squirrel dish towel set for Christmas and I thought that was really nice. And speaking of my squirrels.

One of my neighborhood squirrels came to the porch last week, begging for walnuts. I started to open the door to put walnuts in his bowl (literally a small pet food bowl that I keep on a chair on the porch – they’re so spoiled) but one of my neighbors was outside so I didn’t want to get stuck talking. Instead, I opened the door a bit and tossed some walnuts onto the porch….

Buddy jumped off the chair, sniffed the walnuts, stood up at my front door with his paw on the window, gave me A LOOK (I swear to God) and then jumped back on the chair next to his bowl. He wouldn’t eat the walnuts off the ground because he wanted them in his bowl!! They have me wrapped around their creepy little fingers!

4. Petty Post-Christmas Feelings

Although, I have confirmed with several people and my therapist that my feelings are valid. But on Christmas Eve, I had taken a large bottle of Delirium Noel to Corey’s house so that we could all enjoy it with dinner. My mom didn’t have any of it, so I was surprised the next day when she texted me some questions about it, i.e. where I bought it, how much. I was so stoked about this because silly me, I thought she was showing an interest in something that I clearly based on my exuberant Belgian beer gushing at Christmas Eve dinner.

But no, she was just interested because her best friend’s daughter who she is like obsessed with and likes so much more than me “likes beer” – just “beer” in general I guess so presumably my mom is going to get her a bottle or tell her about it, or adopt her as her own daughter and turn the attic into one large bedroom for her with a slide that goes down into my old bedroom which will be converted into a walk-in closet/lounge area which was something that I wanted to happen when I still lived at home BUT NEVER DID probably because my dad intervened, who knows.

But yeah, I’m jealous of a girl I only met once when I was in my 20s and she was like, who knows, 5 or something and even then my mom was smitten with her and me, the 20-something year old, got so upset at my mom’s house when we were all over there one summer afternoon that I hid for hours underneath the antique roll-top desk in the living room and no one cared except for Corey, and Henry’s sons, who were all in elementary school at the time, and they were the only ones trying to find me.

Suddenly, a text message about Delirium had me wanting to hide under antique furniture all over again, age 45.

I talked about this in therapy yesterday because my therapist knew I was anxious about seeing my mom on Christmas Eve and I just started pouring it all out of my brain and heart and she was like, “This is really unfortunate because you live such a cool and colorful life and you and Henry are always going places and doing fun stuff, but she doesn’t show any interest in knowing this about you.” And that’s it for me, exactly. What else can I do? Nothing really. I have to just live the best life I can for myself, for Henry, and for Chooch and that has to be enough. I know this deep down and I know that with a lot of hard work therapy will eventually help me with that but everything still feels so raw like it was yesterday that I moved out of her house.

HAHAHA FAMILY AMIRITE.

5. End of a (sweet) era

Our Sugarspell Scoops friends are temporarily closing shop here soon because they were not able to come to an agreement with their landlord, so we stopped by last weekend to stock on some pints and give them some Kpop Dad’s (Vegan) Kimchi, haha.  I have loved supporting these guys over the years and am confident that once they find a new location, people will follow.

Anyway, we got a Ho-Hos pint and dammit if it doesn’t actually taste like frozen Ho-Hos in ice cream! It made me nostalgic because I can’t remember the last time I had a Ho-Ho (they were my faves as a kid until I discovered Zebra Cakes in the middle school cafeteria) and I attribute much of baby-fat to those delicious rolls of processed sugar.

——————————-

A BONUS PICTURE OF PENELOPE THROUGH THE CHRISTMAS LENS:

I woke up so happy as soon as I remembered it was Friday. It’s been another long week. We cherish the Fridays.  Let’s Friday Five it out!!

I.

Our friend Marlene is having hip replacement surgery next week, so Megan, Debby and I went to her house last night to hang out with her. I love Marlene so much. She is in a lot of pain and really anxious to get this surgery done and over with, yet she was still in good spirits and her humor was just as biting and sharp as ever! Marlene is honestly goals.

I even went to TRADER JOE’S the night before to get some snacks to bring but ended up so overwhelmed and angry (I hate grocery stores in general but this one really angers me plus one of the worker girls was in my fucking way every time I turned around and I ranted about it for a solid 10 minutes after we left, culminating in me shouting, “JUST GO IN THE BACK AND STOCK SOMETHING IN THE FUCKING DUMPSTER” which I didn’t think was that funny but Henry did and actually laughed out loud and then that annoyed me too.

Anyway,  I ended up bringing two loaves of the delicious bread that is freshly baked several times a day at JMart down the street from us. We love this bread – I think it might be Uzbek? Those in the know (WE ARE IN THE KNOW, IS WHAT I AM HUMBLY ALLUDING TO HERE) will arrive at JMart around the time the bread is baked because it usually sells out before they even have a chance to put it on the shelves. We just happened to be there once when there WAS a loaf of it out on display, devoured it like barbarians within minutes of bringing it home, and then obsessively tried to buy it again after that. Henry finally asked one time when were there buying walnuts for my squirrels (lol) when the bread would be available again and the owner’s son gave us a hush-hush pro tip. Anway, Henry stopped there yesterday on his way home from work, had to wait in line for 30 minutes, but ultimately procured three loaves – two for me to take to Marlene’s and one for him to eat at his leisure lol – and it ended up being a hit even though Marlene was scared when I started my explanation of the bread with, “OK, just hear me out—”

But yeah, it was such a nice, cozy evening. I always enjoy hearing stories of Marlene’s youth, and Debby was telling us about how she and some others used to watch The Young and the Restless on a tiny B&W TV in the law firm’s breakroom in the 80s (yes, Debby had been working here for that long!).

And we learned that even though Marlene HATES cheese (weirdo!) she does enjoy cheese popcorn.

“Because it’s not real cheese,” she shrugged.

Here’s hoping her surgery goes well and that she’ll be back on her feet in no time!

II.

I snagged two tickets for the Toronto date of the upcoming Stray Kids tour (and a complimentary stress headache from Ticketmaster) and I am so stoked!!

We saw them in 2022 and it was such an amazing show that even Henry, who didn’t know TOO much about them at the time, walked away a Stay. (Well, maybe – I think he will only commit to being a Carat. He doesn’t have the energy to multi-stan.)

III.

I lost my mind this afternoon over Drew and started crying so uncontrollably that I gave myself a grief headache on top of the stress headache from Ticketmaster. I am so depressed. Adding to this depression and free-fall into midlife crisis’ing, I was unable to thread a needle this morning and burst into tears because it was so frustrating and OMG my eyes.

IV.

Did I really frame a Polaroid of me when I was 4, my best year, wearing my favorite dress and looking my best before I mutated in a fat and frumpy doof and my chin finished developing into its final Jay Leno form? Yes I certainly did.

But the other side is my grandparents at least. I love this picture of them because my Pappap is playfully (trust me it’s playful) pretending to slap her and some unknown hand is holding him back. At least – this is what I have always assumed was happening here. And I have always loved this picture so much. I miss my Pappap.

I know Temu is a no-no-mu, but I sure love these acrylic frames they sell.

V.

Can we end with two new songs from G-DRAGON (FEAT. TAEYANG AND DAESUNG) AND WONHO???? Yes, yes, we can. Happy pre-weekending! I’ll be catching up on the MAMA Award performances, my traditional pre-Thanksgiving tradition!

*******

Well, I’d like to note that I might have woken up happy but it’s now 7:24pm and I’m the exact opposite of happy. I’m sick of the way my job makes me feel.

1. The Past Should Stay Dead: An Example

Chiodos is doing a 20-anniversay tour for their album All’s Well That Ends Well and anyone who knew early 2000s Erin knows that this album was SO IMPORTANT to me. I have lyrics from it tattooed on my dumbo arm for Christ’s sake. I really considered getting tickets for the Pgh show in April but you guys, the only OG member left is the singer Craig Owens, who actually had left the band because he is so freaking horrific to work with and the remaining members continued on with a new singer – OK you don’t care, it doesn’t matter, the point is that the band in its original context dissolved and when I heard that they had “reunited,” I was like, “Oh, it’s just Craig now and all new people. No thanks.” Because Chiodos was one of those bands where it wasn’t just the singer that you’d latch on to – all of the members were larger than life, disgustingly talented, personable, etc. So for me, it’s the OG crew or GTFO. That show ended up selling out super fast anyway, but then last night I got an email that a second Pgh show was added so I went to Ticketmaster and really was considering it to the point where I had two tickets in my cart. Then for some stupid reason I couldn’t log into Paypal which is odd because I used Paypal like every day with no issue, so after three tries, I threw my phone down on the couch and said, “You know what? No. I’m not doing this. It’s a sign.” Henry, from his dining room greeting card work station, said, “Well, there’s a 90% chance you would have hated everyone there anyway.” I scoffed. “Yeah – the main person there.” I think this is growth, you guys. I really am almost fully divorced from sad, emo scene kid Erin. Oh and don’t even get me started on the WARPED TOUR reboot cash grab. It feels so disingenuous and phony.

2. Me & My C-List References

Remember last month when I did my volunteering bullshit and I loved the landscaping lady? Well, one of the things I failed to note was that she talked in this particular way that I really love, it’s a certain way she would say her ‘r’s and the whole time I was like, “UGH IT’S THE SAME WAY THAT LADY FROM THAT SHOW DUET TALKS” but I couldn’t think of her name and also whoever references the show Duets?? Why was I watching that show in like, 2nd grade?? Anyway, last night I was sitting here and I kapchugi shouted, “MARY PAGE KELLER!!” and Henry was like, “Ok?” and then I had to explain all of this to him and, just as it was a waste of time to type all of this out, it was also a waste of time explaining it to him out loud because he obviously didn’t care. Why would anyone care. I must have REALLY liked that show as a young Erin though because to this day anytime I meet someone who talks like that, I feel instantly comforted??

LOL what even was this show about??

(Related – I was so stoked at the Zsa Zsa Gabor reference in the Netflix Menendez Bros series, and then the other night I was watching an episode of Only Murders in the Building from season 4 and there was another Zsa Zsa reference! And the reference was literally, “Zsa Zsa Gabor reference” and I was fucking dead. The way I love Zsa Zsa….)

3. We’re living in Weiss Meats’ world now

In my last therapy session, we talked about my abusive time at Weiss Meats, the sexual harassment I endured, the mediation. I was getting so upset that my heart was racing and I had to actually stop at one point, put my hand on my chest and tell her that I couldn’t get my heart to slow down. The re-election of Trump has triggered me in so many ways because it’s just another indication that instead of moving forward, we are being shoved backward. Like, violently. So many of us – women, immigrants, minorities, LGBTQ. How is our country lauded as this great nation when we are so fucking backward and refuse to allow a confident, capable, intelligent woman to become President (80 other countries have elected women to run their joints but ok cook on Dumberica).

(THAT’S WHAT I CALL AMERICA NOW IN CASE YOU WERE CONFUSED.)

Anyway, one of the things that came out of that session, that I had pushed into the dark and bleak recesses of my mind, is that back in 2004 when I first went to a lawyer about the things I had endured at Weiss Meats, and they read over my account, I was referred to a rep from the EEOC who then said, “No, this isn’t sexual harassment. Let’s go with…sex discrimination.”

Yo. I was QUITE LITERALLY GRABBED BY THE PUSSY by my boss’s son. I am not exaggerating. I was at the filing cabinet in my office and he ran over to me, grabbed and squeezed my crotch, and then ran away. I was stunned. I am still stunned every time I think about this and believe me you, I think about it a lot.

But…that’s not sexual harassment. (YOU’RE RIGHT – IT’S FUCKING SEXUAL ASSAULT, BUT I DIDN’T KNOW THAT THEN, I WAS 20 FUCKING YEARS OLD AND WORKING IN MY FIRST OFFICE AND MY MOM WAS TELLING ME SHE HAD THIS HAPPEN TO HER TOO ALL CASUAL-LIKE, LIKE OK  THIS IS A NORMAL DAY FOR A WOMAN IN THE WORKPLACE, GOT IT.)

I had a laundry list of the things that happened to me, and to have to sit in that mediation room, me against all these men, and the only person on my side was….another man? I still cannot believe that this was something I was able to get through. It feels like it must have been a bad dream.

But when Trump’s “grab them by the pussy” bullshit was going on, and it was dismissed as “locker room talk” and I saw other women on Facebook (thank god I left) agreeing that it was “just words” and that anyone crying about it was just a snowflake, it brought all that back. Was I overreacting? Was I not really abused? Was what happened to me normal? It wasn’t rape, so should I have just walked away and not fought back with my former employer?

The #metoo movement was so validating, and for a minute I thought that maybe the country was moving forward, maybe people like me who had gone through varying degrees of assault, harassment, discrimination, maybe this was our time to be recognized and to start really healing. But no, I was wrong, because the re-electing of this piece of shit just reenforced the notion that women don’t matter. This is truly Weiss Meats’ world, you guys. 20 fucking years later and our country is about to be lead – again – by someone who would pat the Weiss Bros on the back for the way they treated women.

Sorry, this is probably a mess of words, but I too am nothing more than a mess right now. Burn it all fucking down.

4. Chooch Can’t Escape Kpop

Got these texts from Chooch the other day LOL.

Also, someone on Chooch’s dorm floor wrote “Stream SVT Love Fame Money” on the RA’s whiteboard and he sent it to me like, “Did you break in here??” LOL. He was disgusted. When I say BTS and their fans ruined Kpop for him…

In other family kpop news, last night I overheard Henry saying “Seventeen right here” and singing Blackpink’s Pink Venom while rummaging through the fridge.

In other family kpop news, part 2: I just made Henry watch the latest NCT Dream music show stage and he said, “It was OK but I’m a Seventeen stan now.” WOW. He’s in deep. There’s no room for multi-stanning with this guy.

5. LET’S END WITH A RAINY-THEMED VIDEO BECAUSE IT’S RAINING TODAY

Hope everyone but Trump, the remaining Weisses, and anyone who condones/excuses/does sexual assault has a great weekend :) Goodbye from Trauma Town.

Literally can’t focus on much else today, ELECTION DAY, so I need to bulletpoint for therapy.

• I stayed up last night watching various livestreams of the Harris rallies. Some thoughts on the musical performances: Katy Perry – oh honey thanks for giving fodder to the MAGA set. I never liked her music but what in the actual fuck was that weird ass singing she was doing?? Of course this is the big star Pgh would get, sigh. Over in Philly, Ricky Martin was singing in a Dracula voice like he thought he was in Transylvania not Pennsylvania. Bon Jovi was somewhere and sounded like what happens when AI gets involved. I thought I was having a stroke while watching all of this! And the worst part is that I sat through all of this because I wanted to see Lady Gaga because I have a mild interest in her and all she did was sing some stupid America song from elementary school. But, at least she sounded good.
• I wish AOC would have been canvassing in my neighborhood because I bet she would love my interior design. I just get that feeling, you know? Like we’d girl-out over my sometimes questionable Party City decor.
• JAEHYUN ENLISTED IN THE MILITARY YESTERDAY AND I AM NOT OK. Let’s take a moment and enjoy his recent solo MV:

• Henry and I went to this JOKE OF A PLACE called House of 1000 Beers on Sunday to cruise the selection for more Belgians. OK first of all, honey, 1000 beers though? I don’t think so. There is absolutely NO WAY and I kept commenting on this while we were there and btw I felt immediately uncomfortable there too, it was an awkward set-up with people eating on one side and then a bar on the other side and the cook was LEERING AT ME from his little kitchen podium window thing and I kept muttering, “I hate it here, I want to leave” under my breath and then I was going to wait in the car but I didn’t want to leave the choices up to Henry because he is the worst at picking things that I will like, so I stuck it out but I bitched about it sporadically throughout the day. Like, we were watching TV later that night and I blurted out, totally kapchugi, “There is NO WAY that there were 1000 different beers there?!” and Henry just groaned because I was back on my “calling the BBB” kick again.
• Henry got an itch to clean out the closet-area at the top of the basement steps on Saturday because all he wanted to do was “hang up his one coat” but the hooks are completely usurped by my menagerie of coats and purses (I have a reallll fuckin’ problem). “Some of these coats probably don’t even need to be here, there is no way you wear all of these!” Henry huffed, but then after pawing through them, he mumbled, “OK maybe you do.” LOL.

This is only some of the pile! Here he is holding up the only two belongings of his that he wanted to hang up, lol. 

• Chooch texted me at 12:22PM with photo confirmation that he voted and I AM SO PROUD, I ACTUALLY STARTED CRYING. What a huge election to be a part of as a first-time voter. And he’s in that “young man” demo too, which makes it even better. (Yes, he voted straight Dem, let’s gooooo.)
• Henry came home from work and told me that his co-worker who is like a beer guru told him that he should have gone to a different place instead of HOUSE OF NOWHERE NEAR 1000 BEERS and he is actually the reason we went there in the first place?? But I guess Henry doesn’t talk to him often enough because this dude doesn’t go there anymore. Yeah, probably because of the false advertising! Anyway, Henry told him that I am a Belgian beer girlie now and the dude said, and I am so mad about this, that those are good STARTER BEERS. Did he mean to say, “Holy shit, your wife is HARDCORE, not liking beer and then bypassing all the sissy shit and going straight for the BELGIAN?? She is a KEEPER. She sounds like SHE IS NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS.”

• Hey speaking of, Henry, Scared of Irritating a Woman Voter, brought home a DELIRIUM NOEL GIFT SET for me last night so now I have a Delirium glass! Don’t worry I still complained because it’s not the OG glass with the curvy stem.

• Oh and nbd but this happened in the scene before the beer was poured:

And now, we wait 😬

What I wouldn’t give to be in Korea right now though fr fr. Watching Seventeen vlogs as a distraction but I know eventually the election shit is going to be put on. I can’t resist.

In my latest two therapy seshes we covered the Psycho Mike stuff, did I mention this? And I have to say, I didn’t realize that I needed to talk to a professional about this at this stage in my life but I feel EMPOWERED now. Like I didn’t realize what a big deal it was that I recognized at that young age that I was being treated abusively and took a stand and vowed to never let myself be treated like that again. “Sometimes aggressively so” I admitted when saying that I have worn the pants in every subsequent relationship and when I told Henry afterward he was like, “Wow can I talk to her for a few minutes?” LOL piss off and get back to the kitchen. You little bitch.

I don’t know why my bulletpoints disappeared and now that I have been drinking, IDGAF.

• I went for a walk around town to get the rest of my steps and because I can’t keep pacing around the house moaning. I was on the street behind my house when a man in a pickup truck blew through a stop sign as I was waiting to cross the street. In a calm and monotone voice, I called out, “Wow, don’t stop.” HE GOT THRU THE LITTLE INTERSECTION AND STOPPED HIS TRUCK LOL AND SAID, “WHAT DID YOU SAY?” so I repeated it with the same hearty dose of sarcasm and he just drove away. Henry was BIG FROWN ENERGY about this when I came back home and told him lololol.

Relatedly, in therapy today we also talked about how I have a huge problem with men and authority and she was like, “OK that makes sense” while adding to her notes that I would like to read some day.

Hey I’m going to peace out from this blog post for now. If anything exciting happens later during my live election coverage viewing, I shall update this bitch. I guess.

This week was actually so good, you guys. I can’t remember the last time I was able to say that. I’m still on a really weird emotional high after seeing Seventeen – in a good way, mostly, but I have also been sporadically crying so fat, hot tears because of Drew and it’s OK though. I know that now, that this is part of the process, I’m healing and sometimes scabs are pulled off too early and we have a little set back, right? SHOULD I BE A THERAPIST. SHOULD I WRITE AN ADVICE COLUMN. SHOULD I START NEEDLEPOINTING MY DUMB SAYINGS ON PILLOWS.

Anyway, here are five things that I want to remember from this week / life lately.

1. Henry’s Haunted Basement

When we were just getting into Chicago on Tuesday, we saw a big billboard for a haunted attraction called the Haunted Basement.

“I wonder where that is,” Henry murmured.

“UP YOUR BUTT,” I blurted, the violence of the words shooting out of my mouth somehow not knocking out any teeth.

Henry frowned deeply while I was fisting the air in victory. I love it when my answer-to-everything lands!

I posted this on Instagram AND ***SURPRISINGLY*** NO ONE SIGNED UP FOR MY MASTER CLASS IN COMEBACKS.

2. SEVENTEEN SWAG

I got so much stuff this time because we got there extra early to get in the early mech line (all for naught because everything was sold out before we even got to the front). The weird thing though is that everyone always passes me up and I have to follow them and ask pathetically, “Can I have one too?” IT IS NOT MY AGE OK because trust me – there are tons of broads at these shows that are grandmas. I don’t know what it is about me?? Is my RBF that bad?! Is it because Henry is standing next to me, glowering?!

Anyway, I was happy because I got some Seungkwan stuff :)

Also, I had to swap out my Dreamie pocas for SVT ones beforehand and I put Minghao in the window in honor of Bambi :/

And my SVT credit card was on the other side lol. I’m 16. It was especially peak when I paid for my Bambi SVT tattoo with it lol.

3. My Jerk Son

Just gonna leave this here.

I mean where’s the lie though honestly.

4. Late to the Game, or Early to the New Wave???

My Belgian beer obsession is going strong. Why am I like this? I can’t ever just moderately like things like normal people, I have to be so fanatical and obnoxious. OH WELL THAT’S WHY YOU LOVE ME.

I was lamenting the other night that this one restaurant we used to go to occasionally isn’t around anymore. It was called Sharp Edge and specialized in Belgian beers. There were a few locations but we always went to the CREEK HOUSE (Kristen if you’re reading this, it’s where we went when you and Matt were in town when Chooch was a baby!). I 100% wasn’t drinking beer when we went there, but I went for the ambiance, the vibes, the LAMBIC which I now know actually is beer and I never knew that.

Inspired to find out why they closed all locations, I googled and wound up on a Reddit page about it where 9 out of 10 comments said it was because no one cares about Belgian beer anymore LOLOLOL this is the story of my life! Always late to the game!

THAT’S FINE. Maybe there will be a revival and I can say that it was because of me.

Today at work Megan was telling me about a pumpkin beer she recently had and OK MEGAN BUT I DON’T DRINK PUMPKIN BEER ANYMORE THAT’S FOR BABIES! It’s Belgian or GTFO, OK?! #NOTLIKEOTHERGIRLS

Here is a picture of Baby’s Fourth Delirium! Still #1 in my heart. I like designer beer, don’t forget it. (A hostess gift to consider for future parties I may be hosting.)

We went to a bottle shop tonight and they did not HAVE ANYTHING BELGIAN and I walked out of there like a fucking snob, I’m not even kidding you, and then I shouted in the parking lot, “IT’S NOT MY FAULT THAT I DON’T LIKE ANYTHING AMERICAN THIS COUNTRY IS DUMB!”

Hello, welcome to the Beer Snob Erin era.

(I will tell you that I have also enjoyed every beer of Henry’s that I sipped while in Korea but it is harder to obtain that shit here in Pgh. Don’t worry, we acquired some in Chicago but I’m saving it for Chingumas the Sequel!)

5. Collegiate Chooch Being Involved

Chooch sent me this story from the Drexel Honors College Instagram and said, “YOU’RE WELCOME” because he knew I never would have seen it otherwise.

I just love seeing him thrive and participating in college things! I miss him lots but seeing stuff like this makes it all worth it.

He’s not even going to know who I am when he comes home for Thanksgiving and I’m walking around with a chalice of Trappist beer.

Reporting from the other side of a weekend that was actually OK and stable. Did I cry every day? You bet, but it wasn’t uncontrollable and soul-crushing. And it was in tandem with Henry sitting next to me and patiently listening to me parse through Drew’s passing for the 87000th time and it felt calming almost? It’s just that I need to talk about it and if I don’t, the sadness and anguish comes bursting out of me like I’m Mount St. Erin.

And you know what else helped? Making progress on the Drew memorial portrait. I am hoping it will be ready to frame and hang this week, across from Marcy. (OK, the tears are spilling again but it’s OK! It’s OK. I’m OK. It’s going to be OK.)

Things to remember:

• On Saturday, Henry and Chooch went to some bakery in Wilkinsburg because Henry saw that they had orange cardamon cinnamon rolls and somehow we have become weekend cinnybun thoosies I guess, so off they went to procure the goods. They returned with a surplus though – some blondie that Chooch didn’t like but I thought was pretty good if not a bit too sweet; an apple chai muffin which was SO POTENT that it tasted like how the old Wicks & Sticks candle shop at Century III Mall smelled, I did not like it at all; a pumpkin hand pie thing which I also did not like AT ALL because of the same level of “this should be a candle, not edible” spices; a lemon cookie that was bomb; an Earl gray cupcake WHICH WAS SO GOOD but very small, and even SMALLER since Henry the oaf took half of it; and the aforementioned cinnamon roll which I really enjoyed. So, a 50/50 experience for sure.
• Keeping with that theme, Chooch came home yesterday with a pumpkin spice bottled Frappucino and was like THIS TASTES LIKE HOW JOANN FABRIC SMELLS and against my better judgment, I took a little baby sip and yep. The autumn wreath material aisle at Joann, specifically. DEEEE-sgusting.

• Yesterday, I grabbed the purse that Debby made me for Xmas last year without realizing at first that it matched my OOTD perfectly (PURRRRFECTLY??). I was just lamenting over the impending end of summer even though this summer was historically  – just a reminder – one of the worst I’ve ever had, but it still felt great to wear jeans and a light sweater yesterday!
  • This was the only time I left the house all weekend (aside from going for walks and to play tennis), and it was because I was meeting Pam at Potomac Station for Sunday afternoon coffee (although, I had horchata with a shot of espresso, FYI). It was a nice reason to get me out of the house, and we ended up having a fun chat with a guy sitting near us who was working on one of those Woobles crochet projects. HE LOOKED SO FAMILIAR TO ME. (The guy, not the creature he was crocheting.) I dunno where I would have seen him though and I didn’t want to blurt out WHERE DO YOU WORK, BECAUSE YOU LOOK FAMILIAR like the dryest pick-up line ever.

• SugarSpell Beetlejuice flava-flavs! The Lydia one is black sesame….one of my fave eastern flavors!

• Penelope hasn’t jumped on the table in months yet here she was over the weekend and we were wondering if it was because the picture of Drew was laying there. :(
• Happy things: we got some beer from Hitchhiker specifically the pumpkin thing they have currently and I got accidentally drunk Friday night! It was a fun start to the weekend – stay-at-home alcoholism. :|
• We watched a lot of Seventeen content and I think Henry finally knows all 13 members?! Also, Seventeen had headlined Lollapalooza Berlin on Sunday and it was live-streamed on their YouTube channel so we watched that together and it made me really content but also a little sad because Jun wasn’t there (he’s doing China promotions) and this was Jeonghan’s last international performance before military enlistment so….bittersweet. I hate getting so attached.

• I bought a bunch of acrylic frames (from Temu, I deserve any clowning you throw at me) and got three of them used up so far, I love the look! I think I will eventually have a bunch of them hung in the attic, who knows.

Don’t mind how filthy the table runner is – I need to swap it out with another here soon, but I like that the frames are boxy so that I can also put stuff on them like a little shelf – I love that the wedding ducks from Sandy fit on this one of our wedding license photobooth fun time!

I had to keep this bill from Sweden because it features the author of Pippi Longstocking, and now I have the perfect way to display it because you can see the back of the bill in this frame too!

<3<3<3 I bought this at the DDP gift shop, sigh.

Well, I guess that’s really all that happened over the weekend that’s noteworthy, aside from the 47875278 walks I went on. I hope that the clouds continue to part for me, preferably at a faster pace, haha. Ha. Ugh.

Obligatory “I can’t believe summer is almost over” statement. And copy/paste “How is it September already???” sentiment.

But yeah, here were are. Nearly on the other side of summer and not to be dramatic but this has been the worst summer of my life and I am happy to move away from it. Drew, I miss you. I cry for you every day. I am so traumatized. Meanwhile, a YouTube video is playing right now from an expat who lives in Seoul and I just got even more upset – what a whirlwind this year has been, for better or worse. I know that the Korea piece of the year also plays a part in my emotional turbulence because I was so happy being there and then so depressed leaving and I was still coping with those emotions too when Drew died and now I am left sitting on my couch on this random Sunday morning, with a growing lump of sadness in my throat and tears flooding my sight-balls.

In therapy last week, we decided that EMDR needs to be started sooner rather than later in order to move my traumatic loop of Drew dying into the back of my brain / long term memory, and my therapist asked me to choose a “happy place” to send myself at the end of the sessions so that if we don’t finish, I don’t leave her office in some crazed, fragmented state. I would have thought that my subconscious would send me to Korea but instead, I was sitting in the corner of the sectional in my Pappap’s den, and that makes the most sense. Korea is my happy place – sure, but it would break my brain trying to decide which part of it to insert myself, while my Pappap’s den is full of happy Saturday night TV / sleepover memories and it’s also 100% my safe place. Korea is sensory overload. Pappap’s den is soothing, quiet, warm, dark (in a good way). But thinking about this later made me realize that I am lucky to have two very different “happy places” to choose from, and that is what I am trying to focus on these days. Little things that are good and that I should be thankful for. Maybe collecting these little pieces will help put me back together.

OK, mental health check-in is out of the way. Here’s some leftover pictures, etc. from the month:

Saw these girls on the way to check on Pam’s cat last week and I had to do a doubletake because I thought it was Paris & Nicole, filming an episode of the Simple Life here in Simple Brookline. The first time I walked past them, they were standing up and one of them had her hands on her lower back and was slightly bent back like she was preparing to shoot her ennui into the sky and the other one just had a look of sheer disgust on her perfectly contoured face.

Yesterday, Henry and I drove to Freeport in order to check out a new bakery that opened last weekend, called Vivian’s. I found out about it because it’s down the street from that cafe we went to Memorial Day Weekend when Drew was still alive, and the cafe had posted about it in their IG story. I was sad coming back out there knowing that the last time we did, Drew was still alive but I know that I have to also stop doing this because it’s not helping me move on.

Anyway, the sole reason I wanted to go is because they have cinnamon knots which looked similar to the Scandinavian cinnamon rolls we had become obsessed with last summer on our coaster trip.

Thoughts:

• the bakery is small and got crowded REAL QUICK. There was a woman standing behind me who was attempting to become my earring I think, with the way she was practically resting her chin on my shoulder, she WAS SO FUCKING CLOSE. Back up, please. We are not friends. And even if we were, BACK THE FUCK UP PLEASE.
• it’s family-run and everyone was soooo pleasant, even in spite of the Internet going down and having to scramble to find ways to take credit card payments. I felt for them! Luckily, Henry had cash on him.
• the croissant was a darkhorse!! It didn’t have the traditional French croissant look to it, and I wanted to get it to just to see. It was DELICIOUS. So unexpectedly buttery and soft with crunchy ends. I loved it and am going to have to get my ass back there soon for more.
• the knot was good but not exactly the same as the kinds we had in Denmark, Sweden, Finland. I think it was because we were gravitating toward the cardamon ones on that trip and obviously those ones had a different taste. These were still good though!
• Henry got a snickerdoodle and declared that it was the best one he’s ever had, and he is a connoisseur so this is high praise. I too enjoyed it.
• the traditional cinnamon roll!!! Soooooo decadent and some of the BEST cream cheese icing I’ve ever had. 10/10 will be back.

Speaking of sweet treats, we stopped at this random convenience store after we left Camden Park last weekend (still need to recap that, I am so behind on everything in life) because I saw the DONUTS sign and was interested. I always say I’m not the biggest fan of donuts yet somehow I always find myself eating donuts.

I had low expectations.

But whoa – hello! I got a glazed and it was one of the BEST glazed donuts I’ve ever had. Henry got a “barvarian” (he always mispronounces it and it is so grating) and then we also got a maple one to share. Chooch got a strawberry filled or something and didn’t let us try it so I can’t comment on that, but the maple donut was so heavy! It was PACKED with fluffy vanilla cream and while it was good, it truly didn’t need to be filled. The actual maple donut portion was delicious and satisfying on its own. The filling actually put me into sugar shock a ‘lil bitz. (That’s how I would have said it if I was saying it to Drew.)

Yeah, if you ever find yourself in Huntingdon, WV (why, I don’t want to know), don’t sleep on these donuts. They were truly worth the stop.

Peenlop <3

I bought this matcha kit from my fave YouTuber Ur Mom Ashley and it’s been fun making matcha lattes at home!

Additional things:

• At my dentist appointment last week, some older woman started chatting me up in the waiting room and it went from talking about her PINK-brand water bottle to her brother’s ability to make jokes in any situation “for example, when my son was having brain surgery…..” to the events leading up to her son’s need for brain surgery (he is OK now!) to me loving Kpop and getting married in Korea to her fear of flying and even driving over bridges. It was crazy. We were just sitting there, turned towards each other, chatting our faces off and I was like, “Wow, is this what it was like pre-smart phones when strangers used to actually talk to each other to pass the time?? It wasn’t so bad, honestly.
• Also at my dentist appointment, the hygienist asked me if I chew tobacco!?!?!? I said, “No…….why?” and then she goes, “Do you suck on lozenges or anything?” and I said, “Yes, I like butter scotches and other hard candies…..?” and she followed-up with, “Do you typically keep them sitting on this side of your mouth?” I said yes and she goes, “OK, well….maybe move them around from now on.” LOL ok but WHY WOULD CHEWING TOBACCO BE YOUR FIRST GUESS?!!? Do I look rough?!
• Chooch and I are 4 episodes into the last season of Umbrella Academy. He would have had the whole thing binged the day it was released if it weren’t for me slowing him down. I just can’t sit for that long! Also, it’s the last season and this is one of my favorite TV shows so I’m trying to savor it. As usual, I have NO IDEA what is going on but I love it so much.
• Aside from walking, I haven’t been able to exercise since Drew died. Working out every day was such a routine for me, something I never really thought about, and now I am just in NO SHAPE because the thought of laying out my mat on the floor even remotely near where Drew died makes me hyperventilate. We have been talking about that too in therapy. I thought that maybe if I tried to do either some different exercise or maybe something that I haven’t done in a long time, that would help. Also doing it in a different section of the room. So, Friday I tried to do the old Kukuwa African dance workouts that I had started doing in the beginning of the pandemic and so far it has been OK because I don’t directly associate this with Drew like I do Grow With Jo or Give Me Five Thailand, or even MadFit. Definitely can’t do Jillian. Trying to ease back into a routine and even just typing this has me gagging on my ugly tears, I am so fucked up.  But anyway, I know I must have really been out of shape because I am so sore today.

I hate feeling like this.

Happy fucking Friday.

Last Sunday, Henry and I went to some theater in Monroeville to see the Seventeen Seoul concert film – it REALLY got me even more stoked for their actual concert in October and also? I was so emotional through the whole thing which was good because now I know I’m not dead inside like I thought I was after seeing ATEEZ. Maybe Henry was right and it’s just that I don’t connect with that group on an emotional level like I do with some of the others.

But yeah, SVT had me feeling all of the feels 100%. Of course, it had the OPEN WOUND element to it too because of Drew, but it was good to have some of the old Kpop emotions back. I lost it when Seungkwan was saying that he was so sad to have missed the last concert in Seoul, because it was when he was resting after Moonbin’s death. UGH. That was so painful to see him cry, and as someone who recently lost their best friend as well, it stung extra hard.

Also, I have been so estranged from everyone/everything these last few mths that it is nice to have that comfort back of watching kpop content with Henry, who truly likes Seventeen – so don’t even. It’s like, a tiny slice of normalcy back into my life. (As I sit here spontaneously weeping re: Drew, and also I would like to thank my phone for putting together a “recommended slideshow” for me today of picture of me and Drew and titling it “Best Friends.” I mean, of course I watched the whole thing and it was precious but also OUCH MY FUCKING STUPID PIECE OF SHIT HEART. I don’t want to feel like this anymore.)

Anyway, in true Friday Five fashion, here are 5 of my fave SVT songs that I hope they’ll perform in October! You should watch every single one of these and then COMMENT BELOW which one you liked, and if you didn’t like any of them, just pretend because I can’t handle it right now lol.

1. ANYONE

2. DARL+ING

3. READY TO LOVE (I have shared so many versions of this song over the years and I do not care, it is just that good. I could listen to this song on repeat all day long.)

4. GOD OF MUSIC (This is just so joyful.)

5. LALALI!!!!!! (Hiphop team)

Well, that’s all I have for today. This heatwave and the daily cries have me zapped of all energy.

Typically, I love summer just as much as I love fall (actually, more so because with fall comes the panic of the looming winter) but you know, this summer has been such trash for me. I have been trying really hard to find and latch on to little moments of happiness, and there have been some, but it has been so hard. Every time I’m alone, I’m crying (like right now) and I know that one day I’ll be OK again and I am actively trying to make strides toward that goal, but Jesus Christ. It feels like I’m doggy paddling in quicksand with ankle weights on.

• The Olympics are bringing me small batches of joy (also anxiety!) but I know that when they end here in a few days, I will have post-Olympics withdrawal as I always do and it’s going to hit worse and harder this time with everything else going on. (Pommel Horse Guy has been my favorite part of the 2024 Olympics! I wish that Judy had been here at least once so that I could have live-blogged on this brokedown piece of shit hacker-addled site like old times.
• I started therapy on Tuesday! I know I said I was starting a few weeks ago but what happened was – the therapist I initially contacted (my 1st choice) had responded right away but then her intake coordinator hadn’t reached out or returned my call. So Henry was like, “Enough of this, here, I found someone else for you” and it was some lady here in Brookline which would have been preferable actually for the sheer convenience of being able to walk there, but after texting with her a few times and filling out her intake forms in the portal, I just….I wasn’t feeling it. She also specializes in LGBTQ+ and then that made me feel guilty, because what if I was taking a spot away from someone who needed it? Also, I specifically said I wasn’t interested in telehealth and she scheduled me for telehealth.  But then, the first therapist pulled through! Her intake person called me two weeks ago and we had a really great chat while getting me set up for an appointment, like it felt as though I was just bullshitting with a friend. So lowkey, so casual. And she asked if I had talked to the therapist yet and I said no, not outside of email, and she goes, “Oh, you are going to love her. She is the best, so chill!” We settled on Tuesdays, and the very next Tuesday happened to be my birthday so I interrupted to say, “Do I have to start next Tuesday though? Because that’s my birthday…” and she goes, “No! Absolutely not. No, don’t do that to yourself!” and we scheduled for the following Tuesday, which was this week. When I say I felt no anxiety walking in there, but just relief, you have to understand that even going to the eye doctor has me feeling faint and vomitous. So the fact that I was this calm, it just tells me that I know on so many levels how much I needed this, how ready I was, and that what I was feeling was RELIEF. Anyway, it went so well. We just chatted about points in my intake form (she was like, “Thank you for writing so much!” and I was like, “That’s kind of my jam….” I mean, I’m a Leo with some level of narcissism come on, we all know it, so of course I’m going to happily write about myself!) and she made me feel so heard and un-crazy.
  • My favorite part though was when the subject of Warped Tour came up and she goes, “OK I have to tell you, I used to go to Warped Tour too! What are some bands you liked?” and we started NAME-DROPPING BANDS TO EACH OTHER AND SHE KNEW EVERY BAND I WAS LISTING AND I KNEW ALL OF HERS TOO and she goes, “This is so cool, I never have anyone to talk to about this stuff!” and I cried, “ME EITHER!” I think this is going to go very well. I feel comfortable talking to her, it wasn’t stiff and stuffy, I didn’t feel judged, she made me feel validated for being this shattered over Drew (“Oh, that is still so fresh! You didn’t wait very long before contacting us – that’s good,” she said, and I go, “I knew I needed help because I haven’t felt this low in a very long time and it’s scaring me” and the weight that was lifted from me just by saying those words out loud to her….)
  • We are going to start EMDR therapy soon and I am sort of anxious about it but also, that’s the reason I sought her out in the first place so I’m also excited to see if it helps.
• We’ve been doing dorm room shopping and I hate it so much. :( I can’t remember if I mentioned it, but Chooch and his roommate have friended each other on Instagram and have been messaging – he plays tennis too! They are not the same major though, which I guess has its pros and cons. What do I know.
• I was so pissed on Sunday because I wanted to “do nature,” “specifically: waterfall” and Henry took us to some place in Raccoon State Park or something and it was just…a dribble? A waterdribble? Here are some pictures from that, but first – as soon as we got there, there was a young guy at the end of the trail next to the lot and he goes, “If you see a lady in a pink neon hat, can you tell her to take the Heritage Trail?” CHOOCH AND I WERE SO EXCITED TO HAVE A MISSION! Henry of course was like, “What? What is happening?” Sadly, we ended up seeing the lady almost immediately (it was a green neon hat, not pink!). I think it might have been the guy’s mom – she looked to be in great shape but she was sweating profusely and looked like she was already several hours into this hike. Chooch gave her the message and she was just like, “*wheezing*” I could totally see this being me and Chooch one day – me being like “Hello I’m in my 50s can you slow down” and him being an able-bodied 20-something parkouring across a mountain face.

The waterfall, I guess.

Stacking rocks.

• Well, I was going to try to keep this sunny and optimistic, but this is something weird that has been making me sad: I have wanted to see the kpop group Seventeen for so long and I knew then they just announced a US tour and instead of being excited, I burst into tears because it’s the group that I used to pretend Drew was a fan of (Carat – that’s their fandom name) so now I’m just sad.
• Megan stopped by Sunday to drop off birthday treats for me and got to meet one of my Buddys as he ran in circles around her, pissed that she was walnut-blocking him.
• After we did the waterdrip thing on Sunday, Henry PURPOSELY passed up the ice cream place I wanted to go to and instead took us to some no name town by a creek where we got ice cream essentially out of the basement of someone’s house, I think?? Look, I feel bad saying this because GRANNY is blind and she seemed like a really sweet lady so I am not going to put them on blast on Yelp or anything but it was possibly the worst softserve I have ever had. It was … not soft? And tasted … off??

Granny and Pee Paw’s, though!

I couldn’t even finish it :( I threw it in the garbage. Of course, right after that, Granny came to the window and asked Henry if he thought the vanilla tasted off and he said NO??

Maybe they were just having an off day. Maybe Pee Paw was out scavenging for fresh ingredients to make a new batch in their ice cream maker:

Well, that’s all for now. The church carnival is happening and usually this paired with the Olympics would be making my head explode with content but…yeah. You know. (I will say there was a very shitty band there last night and one of the songs they performed was Wonderful Night – some broad came out of nowhere and tried to harmonize but the main vocalist was so flat that it ended up sounding even worse and I had to put on my headphones and leave the house. Henry said while I was gone, they did VOLARE and honestly thank god I missed that because it probably would have ruined the song for me. At least right now they’re just playing actual oldies via a DJ.)

• My neighbors are moving, apparently. Last night, they put half of their (DONATED) possessions on the curb and it was really deflating to me because we went above and beyond to help these people and I just feel totally taken advantage of. I also associate them with my world completely shifting, panic attacks, tremendous stress from worrying about their situation, feeling terrorized when they wouldn’t stop coming over and asking for help, when the mom flat out opened my door and walked in because I didn’t answer her BECAUSE I WAS IN A WORK MEETING…We kept it friendly with them but also at the same time, I developed a major aversion and would slink back inside if one of them would be coming out of the house at the same time as me.  I know this is a terrible way to think, but I can’t help it – I think about how hard I tried to be a kind person, a good neighbor, and help these people new to our country and then all I got in return was my cat taken from me unexpectedly and when I think of that day, July 1, minutes before Drew died, I can remember myself being on the phone with IT at work because my laptop was dying and seeing Tamanna standing at the end of my sidewalk and peering at my front door with a hard expression on her face, and me running up the steps because I didn’t want to deal with her if she was going to come to the door which of course was open because it’s fucking summer. So, I remember her face and being taken aback by her expression, and then I remember my cat dying. These two things, interwoven in my mind forever. So goodbye, good riddance, go take advantage of someone else. This is my takeaway for what happens when I try to be a good person.
• Last night, we were watching some British travel vlogger’s video from when he spent a few days in Pittsburgh last December, and it seemed to be willingly? FOR NYE EVEN!? Anyway, it was a really heart warming video and he seemed to not only really enjoy his time here, but he also did a lot of really great things that I would definitely recommend if someone asked. (Chooch goes, “Wow, he did more here than I’ve done in my whole life.” LOL.) Anyway, at one point he goes to the Aviary which is right next to a school where Chooch had some kind of innercity chorus thing every Saturday and he goes, “Wow, if this was 6 years ago, maybe I would have been having chorus rehearsal while he was at the aviary.” And then to Henry, he goes, “Remember that time you picked me up and then the school called to tell you I was suspended and it was so awkward? We never told you this,” he tacked on to the end to me and I was like, “WHOA WHOA WHOA…WHAT?”
  • So, what happened was, in 4th grade, he was apparently walking past the kindergarten teacher’s room with his friend DiMaggio and the teacher had a map of Brookline up on the wall and had all of her students put pins where their houses are?! So Chooch goes, “Wow, Mrs. Whoever is a pedophile” and then when they rounded the corner, she was standing there with her hands on her hips and he goes, “What?” and she goes, “You know what” and he said, “OK” and walked himself to the office, lol. Anyway, I wish I had known this at the time (ACTUALLY IT DOES SOUND FAMILIAR) because I would have fought them on that one – that sounds like the creepiest “class project” ever?!
  • “When you said DiMaggio, I thought it was going to be about the time you guys were walking to school—-” I started.
    “—and he pushed me in the street, but I was the one who got suspended?? Yeah, different time,” Chooch laughed.

• Drinking the new Hitchhiker coconut cream pie beer thing out of the Henry the Farting Dog cup from Bon Bon Land. I have been trying to mentally and emotionally go back in time to when things were better. And that trip was a better time.
• Because I will want to know this one day: Henry and I were walking around Lawrenceville when Biden announced that he was dropping out of the running. At first, I was gut-punched. But ultimately, I stand with Kamala. I think she can kick Trump’s ass in every way. I think Biden showed strong and true character by putting the country first. I just can’t stand this, it is absurd to me that Trump is even able to run, that he’s not jail, he’s a fucking felon. Like my friend Pam said tonight, he cannot legally own a gun, but he can potentially become president of the US (again) and have nuclear control. How does this make sense. You can’t MAKE IT make sense.
  • Good thing I’m starting weekly therapy before this.

• Also while in Lawrenceville, we got donuts from Oliver’s Donuts and the two I chose were good (Huckleberry, and Rosemary Jasmine) but Henry got a Death By Chocolate and it was more like Death By Choking because that sonofabitch was the driest donut I have ever fucking tasted. It was terrible. How were they selling those in good conscience?! I’m sick of people only saying glowing things about trendy hipster places – THEIR DONUTS ARE DUMB. (OK, mine weren’t dumb, but I wish we had went to Scratch like I originally suggested but Henry was being a dipshit.) Then we got matcha at some place that was OK (see above) but REALLY ANNOYING COLLEGE GIRLS WERE IN MY FUCKING WAY, BEING ANNOYING.
• I AM FUCKING JADED. I HATE THE WORLD.
• Tonight, as mentioned previously, Chooch and I went to Pam’s to meet her cat Baxter because we’ll be cat sitting for her next week and he is a biggun’ and so friendly. It really made me miss having a boy cat and maybe soon I will be ready to find a little brother for Penelope? Not a sister, because that would feel like we’re replacing Drew and considering I am still crying my eyes swollen every day over this, that wouldn’t be the smartest move for me. But we are also going away this weekend and even though my mom is staying here with Penelope (thank you thank you thank you Val), I still feel bad for her. I mean, maybe she likes being alone, who knows. But I really think she could use the company. Especially with Chooch leaving the house soon and ugh everything is so fucked. I gotta find a new normal, you guys. I gotta find it soon. I am floundering.

Well, that’s all. I don’t even have a fun way to say goodbye anymore.

1. I have a consultation with a new therapist next Tuesday. Hopefully help is on the horizon because today I cried so hard that I lost my voice for a bit. That’s where I’m at in the grieving process.

2. Penoopaloop <3

3. My mom told me that the crows at her house have been bringing her gifts for feeding them (my actual dream!!!! the crows here don’t bring me shit – although they do hang out in the backyard and keep the hawks away so I shouldn’t ask for anything more). She was complaining about it though! “They bring me stupid shit like bolts, and the other day it was a Greek coin.” Dude I think that’s pretty cool though??

4. Chooch tried to back the car into Henry and that made me genuinely laugh for the first time since June 30. But then we went to Ikea to look at dorm stuff and I got sad again.

5. But then I saw a display for the same pillows Tim bought us in a Denmark Ikea before we embarked on a 13-hour overnight bus ride from Northern Denmark to Oslo-ish Norway during one of the worst storms that region had seen in decades so that brought back a warm memory.

6. NCT127 comeback – I’m trying to get into it, you guys. I really am. I haven’t been able to listen to Kpop or retrowave at all since Drew because I associate both with her so much. There is actually one particular retrowave song that I have been avoiding like the plague because it will shatter me if I hear it but my brain is like, LOL U THOUGHT and has  been playing it in my head on a loop from memory so that has been pretty fucking terrible. But yeah, new NCT and it is really good so hopefully I will one day be in a good place where I can enjoy it.

7. I think we might go away the last weekend of July if my mom will stay here with Penelope. I need to be excited about something and right now there is nothing but maybe if I have something to look forward to, I don’t know. We’re still discussing where to go and it’s changed like 8x.

8. You guys, I should keep this for the grad party post, which I will recap here one day, but I can’t wait! It was the first time in literal decades that my immediate family got a picture together. I can’t believe that we were all together and not only that, but they all stayed the entire time, until the end. My dad was even helping Henry pack everything up! 

My mom was resistant but Corey was like WHAT IF YOU HID BEHIND THE RILEY CUTOUT so she was OK with it after that. 

Her middle finger, lol.

I need to frame this. 

9. I’m happy that the Olympics will be happening here soon. Team South Korea!! They have their own light sticks and they’re using BSS’s “Fighting” as their anthem, I’m so stoked for that. 

10. I don’t really have a tenth thing, to be honest. I guess just the fact that I was able to sit here and write this without crying is a positive thing.