I spent a large portion of Friday sobbing. Life in general. The Bambi-sized hole in my heart. Stupid things setting me off. Extremely thin skin – I was told that something I asked to be done at work was silly and I know I shouldn’t have let that bother me because the person likely didn’t mean it that way but it legit ruined my entire day because this is where I am in life – feeling like idiot garbage on the daily. All of these things are making it so hard for me just breathe. But then I woke up and immediately checked my phone because I knew that G-Dragon (and Taeyang and Daesung!) were supposed to perform at the second night of MAMA 2024. The livestream had started last night around 11pm and we watched the red carpet stuff but then I threw in the towel because it was almost 12:30am and I was drunk off one and a half Belgian beers, I am so pathetic.

I LITERALLY CANT HANDLE THIS DID THEY COME BACK RIGHT WHEN I NEEDED THEM THE MOST??? YES YES THEY DID. MY FUCKING HEART. IM STILL CRYING BUT WHAT ELSE IS NEW. (Also Hoshi looking awestruck and happy in the audience!!!)

BIGBANG was such a huge part of the healing process for me when my aunt Sharon died, we lost my grandparents’ house, and Trump was elected for the first time – all of these things happened in the same year and then BIGBANG seriously saved me from one of the deepest, darkest pits of depression I’ve even been in. Music has always been my savior but this time it really hit differently because it inspired me to change my entire way of life and I have yet to look back. All of the adversities that BIGBANG have faced in the meantime has been so hard to watch as a VIP so to see the three remaining members get on that huge stage again and to see all of the idols in the audience being in awe and dancing, ugh, I loved to see it. (And again – especially Hoshi!!!)

Also! Seventeen walked away with 5 awards, including best artist and album and I was crying so hard over that, that my stomach hurt. And their performance was immaculate too. This was the first time since, well, BIGBANG last performed there that I actually 1. looked forward to MAMA, and 2. enjoyed it!

G-Dragon also won the Visionary Artist award, even after performing A MAMA DISS TRACK ON MAMA. He is the fucking GOAT.

I’m really emotional. I don’t know how to not care about this stuff. But I really fucking love it.

P.S. Henry is in the middle of re-hanging all of Chooch’s pictures on the Chooch Shrine Wall (we repainted it and I took that time to reorg the pictures since they were previously just tossed up there willy-nilly) and I got a brief video of him dancing to Seventeen’s Ash performance at MAMA.

P.P.S. Henry just screamed, “OW I have another pain in my back! I get one every time I think about those Stray Kids tickets.”

P.P.S. That’s because I thought I was using Paypal Credit but instead it was charged straight to our bank account, LOLOLOL oops. We’ll be eating canned beans and, I dunno, offbrand something or other for the next several weeks. It’s cool though! Because Stray Kids, lol.

OK I have put this off for nearly two weeks now, but on Tuesday, October 22, 2024, Henry and I drove to Chicago (Rosemont, specifically) to see night 1 of the Seventeen US Tour.

I was popping off internally. Not that the rest of the groups I stan don’t mean as much to me, but SVT….hits different. And of course, there is that connection that I fabricated between them and my cat, Bambi. So when she died, it catapulted them up in the love bracket inside my heart (Henry continuously gets knocked down, haha). I knew that the emotions were going to be strong with this one.

We stayed about 20 minutes away from Allstate Arena this time so we have to drive and park there which was annoying because we always stay in a hotel right across from the arena but this time there was an issue where Henry accidentally booked two nights and when he tried to call  them and get rid of one of the nights, they said NO so he had to cancel the entire reservation. Look, I don’t work in the hotel industry but that seemed really stupid to me. It was about 4:30 by this point, and I was getting so worked up seeing all the Carats roaming around the hotel parking lot and lobby so I said, “LET’S GOOOOOOOOO.” There was early merch going on so I thought it would be a good idea to get that out of the way, because when we went to see ATEEZ, THEY SOLD OLD OF MERCH by the end of the night and I had to buy my shirt from Amazon (it seemed legit though!).

This is how we came to stand in a line outside of the arena for over an hour, Carat-watching, collecting free stuff (I usually don’t go early to these concerts anymore so I miss out on all the freebies!), and just being generally giddy (well, one of us was). Carats are special people, you guys. Legit the only toxic fandom I have encountered to date has been BTS Army. But being around 10,000s of Carats in this weird stage of still-grieving-my-cat/bff was beyond soothing. I can’t explain it. But seeing all the people dressed up in outfits from various music videos, hearing the two Carats behind me go from strangers to friends by the time we made it to the merch truck (Miriam and Catherine – they talked for an entire hour before finally introducing themselves and I was dying), hearing Carats cheering on people doing dance challenges in the parking lot—it healed parts of me in ways that time and therapy can’t.

These girls were walking around with Joshua and (now I can’t remember who else they had) cardboard cutouts for photo ops. I wanted Henry to get his picture taken with them but he STAUNCHLY refused.

I did get him to hold the banner though.

Here’s Henry pairing my lightstick, lol. If you have never been to a kpop concert, every group has their lightstick and you can pair it to bluetooth once you get to the venue so that it will coordinate with the music. You have to put in your actual seat # too. I don’t always have the patience to do this but Henry handled it for me this time :)

(I heard Taylor Swift does something similar now after finding out that Kpop is like this, and that’s gross to me but if she can swing the vote in Kamala’s favor, I will never say another disparaging thing about her Napoleon Dynamite twinning or boring music.)

My favorite part of the day was when we got all the way to the front of the merch line only to find out that 90% of everything was SOLD OUT. Every single t-shirt, hoodie, etc. GONE. They only had little accessories left, things I would never buy. I just wanted a shirt. When I got up there, the lady apologized and said that everything was going to be restocked at the merch booths inside, which, OK cool, but honestly they couldn’t send anyone around to make this announcement to the people standing in line? That line went back even FARTHER at this point from where it ended when we got there but OK just let those people stand there for hours.

So fucked up!

At this point, it was after 6PM so we got in one of the many lines to get inside. The doors were just starting to open but you know how venues, after decades of holding concerts, still can’t figure out an easy and painless entry system. It never fails to be a clusterfuck. But we did get in by 6:45 I would say. It was really windy the whole time we were in that parking lot, and I hadn’t realized just how close it is to the airport until I saw REALLY LOW planes passing over the arena on their way to landing, and I started having all kinds of disaster thoughts.

OK OK OK, let’s speed this up: we got inside the venue, which is way too small for Kpop concerts IMO, it’s a crowd-crush sitch waiting to happen in those walkways.

Found our seats first:

They weren’t great – we were in the 200s section because literally it was all we could get the day the tickets went on sale before the prices doubled. I fucking hate you, Ticketmaster. I just felt grateful that we got seats at all though and didn’t have to try to deal with resellers. I just don’t trust anyone.

After finding our seats, we fought the crowds downstairs and eventually found the end of one of the merch lines. It was outrageous and I was so scared that for the first time ever, I was going to miss the beginning of a concert. But we made it to the table, I got my Rosemont-specific shirt, and we ran back upstairs to our seats. My heart was RACING.

Almost exactly at 7:30, it started and I was SHOOK. The emotions! The excitement! The awe! Seventeen has been a group that I have known since getting into Kpop. They were rookies back then and my fave Kpop dance aerobics channel, SarahKpop, had a few routines to their songs. It’s how I first heard their famously popular (and notorious!) “Aju Nice” and I was so excited to hear it in person!

Bambi’s bias, The 8 / Xu Minghao <3

Obviously, I wish that I could have seen OT13, but Jeonghan has just recently enlisted in mandatory miliary service which I feel like I don’t have to explain anymore now that BTS made the entire world aware of this, and Jun is in China filming a TV show.

I wanted to see them in 2022 when they were in Newark, but we had already registered for Coastin’ by the Ocean in Wildwood and couldn’t swing it. I would take Kpop over coasters any day of the week though, just let that be known.

My bias Seungkwan <3 Jeonghan also shares this status, but after this show, Hoshi is 100% my bias wrecker. Like, 10000%.

Hoshi <3

Minghao <3

The chaos that was their “Oh My!” performance. I love the duality of Kpop groups. I love that they can come out so sultry and edgy, so fierce, then suddenly they’re being their true dorky selves and having a dance off with people dressed as blow-up animals. How can you not love this!? How could anyone not find this entertaining??

(And I’m crying now lol.)

(Janna if you are reading this you better watch this video!!)

The costume people came out again unexpectedly during “God of Music”!

I also have to say that this was BY FAR the loudest Kpop (or any) concert I have ever attended. There were times when it felt like the ecstatic shrieking around me had pierced through my skull and continued to ricochet inside my head like rubber bouncy balls. It was PAINFUL. The most ear-and-head pain I think I have ever experienced and I was legit scared for my life several times, lol. Even Henry was like, “HOLY FUCKING SHIT WHAT IS HAPPENING.”

For reference, I have been to a BTS concert and this by far exceeded those levels of fanaticism. The girl behind me simultaneously sounded like a Beatles-mania-era teenage girl and also an adult man. I don’t know how she was doing it but her shrill shrieks were morphing into guttural roars and it was concerning. I kept tossing glances over my shoulder because I was curious as to what was going on behind me!

The whole show was one giant highlight reel for me but I have to mention that I walked away with “March” as my new favorite song – previously it had been one of those tracks that I never paid much attention to when it would come on but after seeing them perform it (it was a surprise, too!) something clicked in my brain and I have listened to it on repeat on my walks every day since then.

Henry was bitter that the hiphop group performed Water and not Lalali, cry about it, Henry!

I FUCKING DIED that the performance group (minus Jun) did Lilili Yabbay! (And Rain, which is my favorite song off their latest album, in case you cared to know.)

Henry just asked me how it’s going, recapping this night, and I let my wet eyeballs answer that.

The encore though! I have never seen anyone understand the encore assignment as well as Seventeen does. The crowd engagement! The energy! The unhinged hilarity! My whole fucking face hurt from smiling and laughing – it was everything that I needed to help fill that Bambi-shaped hole in my heart (crying again). And when I’m able to share this experience with someone who also enjoys it, understands it, stans the group (yes, I mean Henry if you can believe that) it makes it even better. We dissected the night on the entire drive back to Pittsburgh the next day and we are still rehashing it! He said his favorite part was the encore and I know you’re thinking, “Yeah, because that meant the concert was almost over and he was stoked on that” but it’s because it seriously is complete pandemonium! SO JOYOUS AND PURE!

Part of their encore is never-ending Aju Nice where every time you think it’s over, the chorus kicks back up and Seungkwan LOVES to go into the crowd and let fans sing the high note, so Carats at the barricade will hold signs that say “Can I Aju Nice??” It is epic and well-known in the Kpop world – they even did this at Glastonbury and Lollapalooza Berlin and the non-kpop fans in the crowd evidently ate it up.

They also did a dance-off during the encore and the energy was so strong. I can’t believe we were there. I can’t believe I got see neverending Aju Nice!!!!

I gotta wrap this up before I start posting videos from the whole entire concert.

SET LIST:

Act 1

VCR

1. Fear
2. Fearless
3. Maestro

MENT

4. Ash
5. Crush (I fucking died)

VCR

Act 2

6. Water (Hip-Hop Unit)
7. Monster (Hip-Hop Unit)
8. Rain (Performance Unit)
9. Lilili Yabbay (Performance Unit)
10. Candy (Vocal Unit)
11. Cheers to Youth (Vocal Unit) – linking the actual MV here because it’s so fucking precious and uplifting

VCR

Act 3

12. Oh My!
13. Snap Shoot
14. GOD OF MUSIC!!

Ment

15. Home

VCR

16. Love, Money, Fame (debut of the English version)

MENT

17. March
18. Super (fucking iconic)

ENCORE

19. Adore U
20. ‘Bout You

MENT

21. Campfire (they made everyone sit for this – but let it be known that Henry was already sitting because he never stood once until it was time to leave #old)
22. NEVERENDING VERY NICE!
23. Hit (extended)
24. CALL CALL CALL!
25. Snap Shoot (extended)
26. Holiday (extended)

This entire nearly 30-minute encore will live – AS THE KIDS SAY – rent free in my head for the rest of my life. I hope that when I’m old and a near-vegetable in a nursing home, this is still playing vividly behind my eyes. I am so forever grateful that I found Kpop that one fateful Xmas Eve 2015.

Now I will live vicariously through the rest of the Carats on Instagram who are attending the rest of the dates on this tour!

I AM SWIMMING IN THE FEELS TODAY, SALLY. Just to hear his voice and see his patented crooked smirk and his STYLE, HIS STYLE!!

This is definitely at the top of the short list of good things in my life this year. KWON JIYONG!!! COMEBACK AFTER SEVEN YEARS!!!

My forever king, #1 ult bias, happy fucking Halloween to me. Goddamn.

Today was a day. Just another day. But it was also Seventeen comeback day! Not too stoked on DJ Khaled’s involvement but the song itself is A JAM.

I can’t believe I’ll be seeing them in one week!!

In other Today News:

• I wanted to have horror movies on as background noise while I was working through another nightmare day. I was in the mood for some Italian giallo shit and saw that Tubi has a whole category for it so I put one on without really looking and the proceeded to work. At a certain point, I became aware of sexy saxophone music playing so I turned around just in time to see an explicit – yet tasteful!!!! – sex scene. I kind of chuckled and then went back to work. But then Henry came home during what was probably the 8th sex scene – this time it was a solo scene –  and was like THE FUCK ARE YOU WATCHING and that’s when I realized that hahaha it was basically arthouse porn and I wonder if anyone was walking by and caught a glimpse through the window. Eh. That’s Monday for you.
• Henry made me really terrible carrot soup (I have been on a glorified hot baby food kick lately for dinner – I go through phases, let me live my life) tonight and now I feel like I am ruined and never want to eat carrot – or any veg puree – soup again. Thanks, Henry.
• It is imperative that I find an exercise routine again. My body really needs it and I genuinely miss it. I just haven’t been the same since, you know. The Summer of Sadness. Anyway, I was hoping that if Henry is my workout partner, maybe I will be more motivated to get back on the saddle, as they say, except that I would never have been on the saddle in the first place – I won’t even ride a bike because I hate it feels on my groinal area! Anyway, we did a strength and cardio workout on YouTube after dinner and there was a guest person on the thingie – some pregnant veterinarian – and the main workout broad was going on and on about how this bitch does something with cork board and I was like, “OK, weird brag, but cook on” until I realized she was saying THE PORK BOARD which is some meat lovers org I guess, and she was peppering the viewers with “PORK FACTS” throughout the workout?! I was getting so pissed. At one point they were talking about how many piglets a pig can birth and how cute they are and I screamed, “YEAH SO CUTE YOU CAN’T WAIT TO FUCKING EAT THEM YOU ASSHOLES” and Henry was like “Easy.”
• The weather was so grim today that I did not leave the house once today (except for when I went in the backyard to visit my only friends, the squirrels and bunnies) and instead got all of my steps from walking in place. My life is so pathetic.

And because RIIZE needs our support, if you’re a stranger on the Internet who randomly found this by Googling “vintage Italian arthouse porn” and you made it this far into the blog, then take a few minutes and watch this music video. KPOP has been rife with drama and scandals….well, since always but it feels extra lately.

I am still fully immersed in my Neo Zone, Dream-Edition. I needed this night so much, I have been swimming in stress and general weirdness for far too long with no release, no relief. Seeing NCT Dream healed me, at least a little, like being with a best friend* I don’t have – but six of them. (Renjun wasn’t on the US tour for health reasons and that part DID make me sad because he is my favorite!)

*(I guess this is where I’m supposed to say that Henry is my best friend lol. Fine.)

You basically had to take a number to get your picture taken in this area because the lights were so Neo. There were two girls taking pictures of each other while I waited and then they approached me and asked if I could take their picture with their Instax and then proceeded to explain to me how to use it as if I didn’t grow up in the fucking Polaroid generation of the 1980s.

Seriously though! This couldn’t be any more NCT vibes unless, I dunno, Mark and Chenle did a dance challenge video here for Instagram.

Those lime green lights! That perfect sunset! I’m dead. This night, man. And it hadn’t even started yet.

These girls and their Instax. I’m laughing but….I WISH I WAS THERE WITH A BFF AND OUR INSTAX.

About 45 minutes before the show started, I went with Henry to check out his seat. This was his view. He purposely got a seat at the very very very top, like Henry does.

Getting a feel for it, lol.

With 20 minutes or so to spare, I made my way to my seat. It wasn’t too bad! I was row 11. Rows 1-9 were blocked off in Ticketmaster because it was some sort of “suite,” but basically just a block of seats that some corporation must own, because right before the show started, a horde of people came in at once and they had these little paper tickets. The usher just had them fill in the seats however they wanted and I was laughing because some of the people looked like they had no idea what was going on, so I guess they won the tickets or were given them from work, who knows. But I was cracking up because one guy reminded me of my brother Ryan finding himself alone at a Kpop concert, having previously known nothing about it. He looked confused, but also kind of interested!

I was in between two pairs of friends. They were fine! We didn’t talk much, but the girl to my right complimented my Renjun shirt and had an ongoing struggle with her platform boots all night which was kind of adorable.

The show opened with the audio of “icantfeelanything” blasting through the space—it was completely bombastic and dramatic. It definitely raised the energy, and then when the NCT dropped to reveal the Dreamies on their bleacher-thingies, I screamed my throat raw as they went right into “Box.”

I could start at the very first song and tell you my thoughts on each one, but I don’t think my words matter—if you are someone who relies on music to heal your heart, you know. You understand what I was going through that night. The pure bliss, the tugging of the heartstrings, the teenage-y hysteria, having your “aw!” join the “aw!”s of 1000s of other NCTzens during the Ments, the collective laughs at the inside jokes—it feels like being with family.

I will note that this concert was completely different from last year’s Dream Show. Obviously Renjun wasn’t there and I will say that their energy seemed a bit off without him, they had to have been feeling his absence and it was sad. But you can just tell that they truly enjoy performing together, they’re not just “co-workers,” they’re friends.

FUCKIN’ HAECHAN. My ult bias of NCT. Watching him perform in person again (my 5th time if you count the times I have seen NCT127!) was everything. The Power of Haechan. His duality is incredible.

Chenle, as the kids say, eats CDs.

My pictures are trash obviously but it’s not about that. I just needed to capture the ambiance of the night. The lightsticks. The outfits.

Mark announced that a new NCT Dream album is in the works! He said it’s a little cute, a little sexy, and a little “stuff like Hello Future” and I am here for it, also as the kids say.

Here is the setlist, I’ll add notes after my faves!

SET 1

1. icantfeelanything (VCR)
2. BOX
3. SOS (I CAN’T BELIEVE THEY DID THIS ONE!!! THE LAST 15 SECONDS OF THIS SONG IS SOME OF MY BEST SECONDS OF MY LIFE.)
4. GO (!!!!! I SCREAM-SANG THIS ONE!!)

I was so hyped up by the time we parked in the UBS Arena garage, Joanne. The nerves were sizzling, the heart was horse-racing, I was so ready but also I WAS SO NOT READY. I still can’t believe that I was given another opportunity to see NCT Dream, just over a year after seeing them for the first time in April 2023.

2023 was a really nice year. Well, 3/4 of it was anyway.

I’ll get into all of the FEELS in my actual concert post, but today I just want to post pictures of pre-entry stuff because I haven’t sorted through my thoughts yet. And you guys thought that I had moved on from my emo / sad boy music era, LOL.

You.

Thought.

Still in the parking garage. Wearing my DIY NCT Vans and Renjun shirt – CRUSHED that Renjun is still on hiatus but so grateful that he is taking the time he needs to heal and recharge. We love you, Renjunnie <3

(IN CASE YOU DIDN’T KNOW, RENJUN IS MY DREAM BIAS.)

When we got in line, I immediately felt comfortable and a strong sense of belonging. I never feel like anyone gives me the “dafuq is this old bitch doing here” once over. No one even gives Henry a second glance. NCTzens are wonderful.

Much to Henry’s relief, no one was dressed like goth cowboys for this show. That’s just ATEEZ! NCT’s colors are lime / neon green so you see a lot of that, and there were also groups of people dressed like Candy-era NCT Dream which was fucking adorable and Henry said he regertz not cosplaying as such:

It could have been an opportunity for Henry to wear his Chanel visor. :(

The facade of UBS Arena was shockingly pretty!

I am so sensitive in my midlife crisis era that just looking at these chalk messages is making me fucking weep. I’m also half into a can of a Hitchhiker beer and the alcohol content of those is really high according to Megan was scared when I said I was going to drink some before a presentation we had to do and said, “PLEASE DON’T GET DRUNK – YOU SLUR WHEN YOU’RE DRUNK!”

NCT Dream completes me – I feel that.

ch

I think the reason why the recent ATEEZ concert didn’t resonate with me (again, I did enjoy it! But it didn’t make me emote, and it didn’t stick with me after it ended) is because while I have a casual bias, I don’t really watch a lot of their content so I don’t know their personalities all that well. But with NCT Dream (all of the NCT units, in fact), I have been so invested in their chaotic content for years and it makes me feel like I know them. I am sure some of that is embellished for idol purposes—it’s their career, after all—but it’s hard for me to believe that that is not actually the real charisma of Mark Lee, or that Jeno isn’t such a soft & unfunny puppy dog, or that Renjun isn’t the spiciest angel of the pack.

Plus, the duality of Haechan. Jisung touching plants and being the perfect naive maknae. Jaemin’s fucking demented personality. Chenle pulling off that smug rich kid agenda with aplumb.

I treasure these 7 dreamies with my whole heart. Their music and chaos have gotten me through so much, and this night was going to be the true testament – am I broken, or would being under the same roof as these powerhouses make me finally feel something other than gut-punching grief?

Here is a short video that breaks down NCT Dream in case anyone actually cares lol. (Hey, I’m forever trying! I recently got my metal friend Alyson to stan Renjun!)

You guys, some really good new music has been released recently (some today, some over the summer when I wasn’t in a no-music-zone because of crippling grief) and since I am still recovering from and processing the events of the weekend (all good, if you can believe it!) I decided to just do a music round-up and pretend like I’m some popfluencer or something.

Anyway, in no particular order, here are some non-NCT, un-Seventeen jams I’ve been into:

Kang Daniel forever, you guys. You know that’s right.

ONEW. I’m so glad he’s back.

I always say I’m going to fully stan Enhypen and I think now is my cue to hunker down and start learning names.

Girl groups haven’t been doing it for me much lately, but I do love this song by Kiss of Life bigly.

….and New Jeans in general. They are probably my favorite girl group if I had to answer with a gun to my head and everyone should go and support them IYKYK. (Seriously, just google them and you’ll see. Fuck HYBE. Support artists, not sinister conglomerates.)

I think FIVE is a solid number.

Happy fucking Friday.

Last Sunday, Henry and I went to some theater in Monroeville to see the Seventeen Seoul concert film – it REALLY got me even more stoked for their actual concert in October and also? I was so emotional through the whole thing which was good because now I know I’m not dead inside like I thought I was after seeing ATEEZ. Maybe Henry was right and it’s just that I don’t connect with that group on an emotional level like I do with some of the others.

But yeah, SVT had me feeling all of the feels 100%. Of course, it had the OPEN WOUND element to it too because of Drew, but it was good to have some of the old Kpop emotions back. I lost it when Seungkwan was saying that he was so sad to have missed the last concert in Seoul, because it was when he was resting after Moonbin’s death. UGH. That was so painful to see him cry, and as someone who recently lost their best friend as well, it stung extra hard.

Also, I have been so estranged from everyone/everything these last few mths that it is nice to have that comfort back of watching kpop content with Henry, who truly likes Seventeen – so don’t even. It’s like, a tiny slice of normalcy back into my life. (As I sit here spontaneously weeping re: Drew, and also I would like to thank my phone for putting together a “recommended slideshow” for me today of picture of me and Drew and titling it “Best Friends.” I mean, of course I watched the whole thing and it was precious but also OUCH MY FUCKING STUPID PIECE OF SHIT HEART. I don’t want to feel like this anymore.)

Anyway, in true Friday Five fashion, here are 5 of my fave SVT songs that I hope they’ll perform in October! You should watch every single one of these and then COMMENT BELOW which one you liked, and if you didn’t like any of them, just pretend because I can’t handle it right now lol.

1. ANYONE

2. DARL+ING

3. READY TO LOVE (I have shared so many versions of this song over the years and I do not care, it is just that good. I could listen to this song on repeat all day long.)

4. GOD OF MUSIC (This is just so joyful.)

5. LALALI!!!!!! (Hiphop team)

Well, that’s all I have for today. This heatwave and the daily cries have me zapped of all energy.

Last May? June? I bought cheap(ish) tickets to the last night of the ATEEZ North American tour. I can tell you that my life wasn’t that unhinged then so I had the requisite amount of excitement involved in seeing a kpop group that is mid-tier for me. They are one of those groups where I like all of the songs by them that I have heard but I don’t make a point of watching all of their music show stages or other content, but I do follow a majority of the members on IG and I have a bias.

So, I really should have been more excited about this but as it was, I was just going through the motions and as previously mentioned in the grilled cheese post, I even said I wanted to go home before the show and we really did start to drive out of Chicago but then ended up going back. I hate this for me, you guys. I don’t like feeling this way and I am truly wading through mental quicksand trying to get to the other side of this extended grieving period. (If you had been in our house about an hour ago you’d have seen how I completely lost it over the opening notes of a retrowave song that I haven’t been able to listen to since Drew died and was like, “Let’s experiment and see if I can do it” and then I felt like my body was caving in on itself with how intensely I was shuddering in grief and  then I had to run away from Henry because I was a total snot faucet. Man, it hurts so much still.)

Luckily, I don’t relate ATEEZ to her at all so I didn’t cry AT ALL during their concert which is also concerning though because I usually emote in some way at all concerts no matter what but I just stood there like a zombified husk.

Don’t get me wrong, I genuinely enjoyed it and I’m glad we went because I know in my heart that I would have regERTed it bigly had we actually gone home without seeing them. But it felt weird. I felt uncomfortable, slightly anxious, I was super hot in the entire time, and everything just felt disorienting to me. I can’t explain it. But ATEEZ themselves were incredible performers, the whole show was very theatrical and high-energy, and good lord Jongho has some fucking pipes on him, no wonder why he was my natural bias selection.

Henry texted me from the beer line: “Why is everyone dressed like goth cowboys?” LOL. He knows enough ATEEZ songs to be able to hold his own but knew nothing about their fandom (“What are the fans called??” he asked the next day when I finally started speaking to him at that Ohio diner and he began peppering me with questions about the show that he had stuffed in his back pocket until I was ready to be a functioning human again.) and I’m not sure if he would consider himself an Atiny now but he did say he enjoyed it.

Also, while he was off getting his beer (AND PIZZA, wow, treat yo’self, Kpop Dad), the girl in the….slacks (lol) and silver shirt arrived with her friend and was commenting about how she loves how diverse the ATEEZ fandom is and in my head, I was like, “LOL wait’ll you see who’s sitting to you, hon. The oldest dad’liest fan in the building!”

Goth cowboys.

I don’t really have much else to say about it. Everyone around us was fine. Since I don’t hard-stan ATEEZ, their ‘ments were kind of boring to me but overall, I enjoyed it. Hongjoong has such G-Dragon vibes but in a natural way and not in the sense that I feel like he is consciously trying to be the next gen GD or anything. I would go see them, I think, hopefully when I’m in a better mindset!

SETLIST:

ACT 1:

VCR

• Crazy Form (legit started with my fave!)
• Say My Name
• WIN

Hongjoong + Yunho + San acts

ACT II

• This World
• Wake Up
• Guerilla (Jongho’s parts in this song give me BIG Artifex Pereo vibes, funnily enough) – this started with Hongjoong’s guitar solo which I was not expecting!

MENT 1

• Cyberpunk
• Halazia (this was nuts)

Seonghwa + Yunho + Hongjoong act

ACT III

• It’s You (Yeosang, San, Wooyoung) – I really was all about this

VCR

• Youth (Yunho, Mingi)

VCR

• Everything (Jongho – “Kpop idols can’t sing”)

Wooyoung dance solo

ACT IV

• Silver Light

Crescent Part 2

VCR

• Wave

MENT 3

• Dancing Like Butterfly Wings

VCR

ACT V

• MATZ (Seonghwa, Hongjoong)
• Work (!!!)

MENT 3

• Arriba
• Django
• Bouncy (!!!)
• Wonderland

ENCORE

• Eternal Sunshine / Fireworks / The Real

MENT 4

• Turbulence
• Dreamy Day
• UTOPIA

Now that I have typed out the setlist, I can see how few songs were played without being broken up by VCRs, acts, ments, etc. That’s fine I guess but again, I don’t hardstan them so it didn’t always hold my interest.

But here are some videos from other people of my fave parts of the night!

OK, I’m done. I just bought tickets to Seventeen (that was hunger games, frfr) and I have to go back to my immersion therapy because I am still so sad since I turned Drew into a Carat and this was our group to hard stan together and now she is gone so I can’t go see them and come home to tell her all about it unless I say it to her urn. FML.

FULLY obsessed with the latest Red Velvet comeback, the song itself is majestic, the Midsommar-concept of the video is haunting and perfect for the song, and of course I love seeing the RV girls back in action. SM needs to care more about them, I fucking swear to god. This video is so aesthetically pleasing.

Now I want to go and watch Midsommar again – it’s been too long. (It came out in 2019?!)

I’m not myself lately. What even is myself, though. The weekend was a strange one, I felt uncomfortable for most of it, sluggish, depressed, stressed. I know it’s growing pains, preparing for that next “SEASON OF LIFE” god I really hate that phrase like I’m barefoot in a meadow in bell bottoms. (Relatedly, the Zombies “Time of the Season” was on the radio the other morning when I was sick and already in a delirious half-lucid state and really listening to the lyrics of a song you’ve heard a hundred times over your life time can be really jarring, and this time was no exception. It actually made me so uncomfy and gross-feeling. Not for the first time I thanked god that I wasn’t around in the 60s, specifically a teen or young adult because I don’t think I would have fared well, as in, I could see myself getting swept up by the first gross man in Jesus sandals who asks me, “Who’s your daddy?” and waving at my parents from the back window of a LOVE VAN as it whisks me off to the compound.)

Anyway, today I’m sharing some mellow, moody, morose songs that get lumped in the Kpop category but are the perfect hand-holders for times like this.

Damien – Cassette

I actually forgot that this song existed until over the weekend when a KVille “songs that should have gone viral” video came on and this was included. It was a punch to the gut – I loved this sone when it came out! And fun fact, the scene where the cassettes are hanging from the ceiling is what gave me inspo for the “accent wall” that I originally wanted to do in the kitchen which then morphed into the 80s theme! (Originally it was just going to be the spice rack made from cassettes but from there I said, “But only albums from the 80s. Let me find a good 80s color palette too because we should just also paint all of the walls. Actually, let’s do the whole thing an 80s theme, brb logging into eBay for the first time in 5 years.”

Ryeowook – Drunk in the Morning

I know Super Junior is like UNKNOWN to all these new Kpop people because BTS or GTFO, but the fact that more people aren’t talking about how Ryeowook is one of the best voices in Korea (and beyond) is kind of gross to me. I have definitely posted this on here before but everyone needs to hear it again.

Also, don’t ask me to ever pronounce his name. My friend Jiyong once tried to get me to send her a voice message of me struggling to pronounce it so she could help me and I was like NO I WON’T DO IT AND YOU CAN’T MAKE ME.

Wonho – Losing You

I prefer the Korean version but there’s only a official video for the English version. I still remember the first time I heard this – we had taken a day trip to Erie and were driving around country roads and screaming at MAGA signs, then this song came on Spotify and tears spontaneously sprung forth.

God, I love Wonho.

Jang Dong Woo – News

Same with the Wonho song, I remember the first time I heard this one too, and it was on the way home from Kings Island in 2019. I remember thinking, “THIS VOICE IS FAMILIAR” and immediately realizing he’s from Infinite, which was one of the first Kpop groups I ever knew about when I first got into this lifestyle. (“Eye” haunted me!!) But yeah, this song came super late at night, driving down the highway in the dark. What a vibe.

Woosung – Phase Me

Woosung is from The Rose and has one of the most recognizable voices. Fun fact, The Rose just performed at Coachella and it looked like they fucking killed it.

Onew – No Parachute

Onew is OOAK. I sent my friend Nate one of the videos of Onew singing opera, to which Nate said that Onew has the voice of a 7 foot angel. It is so true. Whenever people say “Kpop idols can’t sing, Kpop idols are tone deaf, Kpop idols are manufactured,” I happily direct them to ANY of SHINee’s members solo works.

***

Well, I’ll stop here even though I could go on and on and on like it’s my day job. Speaking of, so stoked to enter a new work week.

Every so often, I remember that I like the Kpop group Seventeen (I always associate them with the Kpop aerobics I did back when I was like “I don’t know what these songs are but they’re fun”) and then I fall down the rabbit hole, watching live stages etc., and saying, “I gotta spend some time learning about the members.” Over the years, there are only really 3 or 4 (out of 13!) that I have become familiar with, but then one of the sub-units did an amazing performance of one of my current fave cardio dance routine songs on one of the award shows, and I remembered that at one point, I had chosen one of those guys as a bias, so then I started re-crushing on him and next thing I knew, my YouTube feed is all Seventeen and I know ALMOST all of them now, after 4 days of studying.

I’m getting there.

Anyway, today for Friday Five I will share five of my faves. They debuted in 2015 so there is quite a lot to choose from!

(My bias is Seungkwan, btw, and my cat Drew’s is The8.)

1. Ready to Love

You guys,  this is my top #1 SVT song and the one that pulls me back in every time I hear it. It’s perfection.

2. Don’t Wanna Cry

The first Seventeen MV that REALLY caught my attention back in the day. That choreo!!

3. FIGHTING

This song from Seventeen’s subunit BSS (BooSeukSoon) is the anthem we all need to get through another work day. (Fun fact from your friendly Korea liaison: “fighting” is a way to say “you got this!” or “you can do it!” in Korea, it doesn’t literally mean anything aggressive!)

4. _WORLD

Just a total feel-good jam, Bruno Mars-vibes, lil bit.

5. ROCK WITH YOU

Every time I hear this, I want to get up and start doing the Give Me Five Thailand dance workout for it. I kicked the coffee table really hard one time doing it though, I just got too stoked!

***

OK, it’s been a weird week of snow days and Chooch maybe having a girlfriend and starting a countdown and uncomfortable TV shows (American Nightmare was so frustrating and upsetting!!!). I’m freaking tired, man. But I can’t go to bed until Henry chooses a Seventeen bias lol. (“I don’t know any of them!” he cried. Yeah, he said that once upon a time about NCT too and now look at him, Father NCTzen over here.)

Actually, the only surprising thing is that WayV’s On My Youth didn’t make it in the Top 5 Songs because I feel like I listened to it an absurd amount of time over the last month, however, now that I think about it – a lot of those listens were on YouTube, same with Taemin and NCT DJJ. And retrowave and The Black Queen playlists lest you think I’m only kpopping.

Plus, I use Henry’s Spotify account a lot too because that’s what is connected to our Echo, so I guess this UNWRAPPED isn’t really all that scientifically accurate IS IT.

Wow what a boring fucking post. But here’s a live video for THE BAT so maybe you can see why it’s my #1 song lol.

Wow, wowee wow wow. Two  blogs in one day but I couldn’t hold back from sharing Taemin’s comeback MV, I tried, I made it almost all day.

LORD HELP ME.

MY GOD.

Taemin-ah, we missed you. Thank you for feeding us. You are TRULY a living legend, not just an idol but a motherfucking ICON.

And he has looked so happy and healthy in all of the interviews and shows I’ve seen him on so far during this promotion cycle. I worry about him so much, especially when he was enlisted, but he seriously looks like he’s thriving, back in his element, eating the stage. He is the BEST dancer in the world and no one can change my mind.

(UM BUT CAN WE TALK ABOUT THIS T-SHIRT CHOREO???)

(NEVERMIND, I’M NOT READY TO TALK ABOUT IT YET.)

a/k/a Erin’s Redemption Era

Me, before Riot Fest: We don’t even have to be near the stage. We can just stay way back on the fringe, sit down and relax, etc.

Also me, 30 minutes the Cure’s set: *TRUDGING THROUGH THE MUD AND CROWD WITH ARMS AKIMBO, ELBOW-JABBING THROUGH HORDES OF PEOPLE, TRYING TO GET AS CLOSE TO THE STAGE AS COMFORTABLY POSSIBLE*

We ended up decently close, on the right side, surrounded by a pretty good cluster of Cure fans. It was 10000x better than the crowd at the Blossom Music Center, I will tell you that much right now. I really liked the older couple next to us – the woman was so short, I felt awful for her. There was a very tall guy, like Corey-height if not taller, with his friends in front of her and he was trying so hard to duck out of her way. She was like, “Listen, I’m short – I’m not going to be able to see no matter what! You’re fine!” and for a split second I considered trying to be like her, not giving a shit about seeing, just enjoying the music, etc etc but then they came on stage and I was on my tip toes, craning my neck, bobbing and weaving. It’s so futile, lol. I could actually see, mostly, but also the screens at Riot Fest are EXCELSIOR, way better than the ones that they have at most of those dumb ampitheaters, so it was almost impossible to not see.

The Mars Volta finishing up on the other stage. I think they had everyone in a trance by the end. I haven’t listened to them in YEARS, probably actually since their first album, and I know I saw them at least once back then, maybe twice, so the nostalgia was there for me. Not so much for Henry though. He was acting like his ears were bleeding.

And then magic happened for the next 2.5 hours. You guys. YOU GUYS. It was so nice to just enjoy the concert and not wonder if SOMEONE was going to ask me SOMETHING, etc. etc.  And I think Henry can also attest that the night was a lot more fun for him too, not having any expectations. When they performed “From the Edge of the Deep Green Sea,” Henry grabbed my hand and pulled it into the air and I was like “YOU’RE SO DUMB I HATE YOU” but on the inside I was like *rainbows and grilled cheese*.

I love this aerial shot so much, credit to Riot Fest, obviously. I left my drone at home.

This was 100% worth coming to Riot Fest. I love the Cure so much, and I guess Henry is up there too, just not as high. And not as unconditionally.

***SET LIST***

1. Alone
2. Pictures of You
3. High
4. Lovesong
5. And Nothing Is Forever
6. Cold
7. Burn
8. Fascination Street
9. A Night Like This
10. Push
11. In Between Days
12. Just Like Heaven
13. At Night
14. Play For Today
15. A Forest
16. Shake Dog Shake
17. FTEOTDGS
18. Endsong

ENCORE:

19. Lullaby
20. The Walk
21. Friday I’m In Love
22. Close To Me
23. Why Can’t I Be You?
24. Boys Don’t Cry
25. 10:15 Saturday Night
26. Killing An Arab

And Dumb Henry bought me this beautiful poster to add to the collection!

It’s already frame and on the wall going up the steps, right next to the one of the entire Riot Fest lineup <3.

Incredible night. The weather was wonderful. The Cure was perfection as usual. (They are physically unable to put on a bad performance, I swear to god.) The company was….eh. Decent. The only annoying part was waiting for Henry to pee afterward and then the stressful process of catching the train back to the hotel, which actually wasn’t that bad except that I got stuck talking to some guy about my posters and he was definitely one of those guys who asks you questions about music just so he can not listen to your response because you’re a dumb dumb silly goose girl and then before you even finish he’s already on his mansplainin’ podium. He wasn’t THAT bad, just moderately annoying and I was fucking tired and didn’t want to exert energy needed to form sentences.  I was actually kind of praying that he would try to throw down some Cure facts on me just so I could take him to school but he eventually set his sights on the guy behind me who was wearing a band shirt that he could relate to, I don’t know what was going on, I was trying not to fall asleep while standing erect.

There was a line going down the sidewalk just to get INTO the train station thing and by the time our group was the next to get herded through, there was a public transit worker guy who was trying to usher everyone down as far as they could go by hollering, AND IT WAS REALLY COMPLICATED SO YOU HAD TO REALLY PAY ATTENTION, “Everyone keep walking down the track as far as you can go!”

But….they didn’t go as far as they could go. They just…stopped halfway. So, then the train came and everyone just stood there, and Henry and I were like, “Um, we’re going ALL THE WAY DOWN, peace out motherfuckers” and that is how Henry and I got to snag a completely empty car and secure any fucking seat we wanted, while all the other cars were packed to the gills with Riot Festers who were too dumb to FOLLOW DIRECTIONS. Jesus Christ. And people have the nerve to say that Kpop stans are dumb. Mmm.

I’ll end this with one of my favorite Cure songs of all time. When I first moved into this dumb house in the fall of 1999, I used to watch the music video for Fascination Street over and over and over and over and over and…..ugh.

OK now I’m crying. Goodbye.