“THE WINDOW”
Hound at my window
Barking at the passersby
Comfortable he sits
“THE DOG PARK”
Arlie Dog Park sits
Filled with dogs on the daily
How I wish to go
“THE MAILMAN”
Charlie sits right there
On the mat by the front door
For that darned mailman
“UNTITLED”
Petrified and scared
Standoff with outdoor rodents
SQUIRREL! SQUIRREL! SQUIRREL! SQUIRREL! SQUIRREL!
“BELLY RUBS”
I lay belly-up
Hoping for Master to come
I need belly rubs
Hi, it’s me. Erin. Since Pennsylvania schools are temporarily closed due to COVID-19, I gave Chooch some writing assignments because I’ll be damned if his mind is going to subsist on YouTube videos and Switch games during this time. But then the school provided assignment packets so I guess I’ll lighten up a bit. Today, he has written about his favorite Korean dish, bibimbap, and he actually didn’t complain!
Bibimbap (비빔밥). Where do I even start. The Korean dish filled with crispy rice, sauteed vegetables, meat, or meat substitute, gochujang, sesame oil, and the best part, in my opinion, the egg. Bibimbap, in Korean, means: bibim: mixed together; bap: rice.
Well, I guess we can start off with a little history lesson. It is estimated that bibimbap was created in the 10th century in the Koryo dynasty by the wives of farmers who were just too busy to serve a large traditional Korean meal. Now in present day Korea, many families eat this common dish by using leftovers and mixing it together to create this fantastic meal.
Now, I have had many bibimbaps, but the best one I ever had had to be the one we had on our tour to the DMZ, or demilitarized zone. I don’t know why I loved it so much. It could have been the crispy rice, or the just perfect egg, or maybe even the delectable seaweed. Whatever it was made it very easy for me to just devour the whole Dolsot bowl.
There are many kinds of bibimbap, but the two most common are bibimbap and Dolsot bibimbap. Bibimbap is served at room temperature, while Dolsot is served in a hot pot keeping it nice and crispy while you eat it. It also differs from the region you are in, for example in Busan, we got to crack our own egg into our bibimbap and it also wasn’t served with gochujang (spicy red pepper paste).
We also had another kind of bibimbap in Jeonju, or the hometown of bibimbap. The one I had was basically just the original bibimbap, but with cheese melting on the top. I thought it was very good, because prior to my consumption of it, I was totally hangry. There is a trick to eating the Dolsot bibimbap, though. If you stir the vegetables, but keep the rice at the bottom, the rice will be crispy by the time you eat all the vegetables and it will taste 200% better, or if you add gochujang it starts to taste otherworldly.
Here I am eating bibimbap on my last day in Korea, so sad. ;-;
I did like every bibimbap I had in Korea, don’t get me wrong, but nothing compares to the DMZ one. So, if I were to make a bibimbap, I would choose Maanchi’s recipe,
But, without the meat!
For a little pre-Valentine’s Day treat, my coworker Joyce added a picture of TOP from BIGBANG to our daily Roll Call email. She always includes a meme or something in every Roll Call but this was unexpected! It’s also pretty hilarious because she’s one our colleagues who work in the Chicago office, but I have still managed to sprinkle her with a bit of kpop powder without even needing to see her everyday!
And then for some reason, another coworker, Marlene, emailed me because she randomly found out that she shares a birthday with ANOTHER BIGBANG member, Taeyang. I will turn our whole department into VIPs* one of these days.
*(BIGBANG fans.)
I think that selling Valentines has me somewhat desensitized to, well, serial killers, but also the actual concept of Valentine’s Day. Henry and I spend so much time hustling to make sure other people get their cards that we don’t always remember each other.
Um, I know that I for one totally shit the bed when it came to whipping anything up for Henry. And I assumed he had also dropped the ball, until I got to work yesterday and pulled out a card he had tucked inside my SuperM bag.
I admit, this had major shock-value when I pulled it out of the envelope and saw a close-up of Henry’s mug, but then I noticed the finger-hearts! And then I opened it…
…and saw that he wrote “I love you” in Hangul! “OMG I hate him!” I laugh-yelled, and then showed Carrie, who was like, “*TEARS*” and then I kind of got tear-eyed, too?! I AM BROKEN.
Apparently, Henry made this the other night while I was sitting in the other room thinking that he was just making actual orders from our shop. I am so oblivious!
We didn’t exchange gifts or anything but Henry was a nice man and went to Sugar Spell Scoops after dinner last night and picked up some scoops to go. I got one scoop of purple sweet potato which was so wonderful that I can’t even think of any good words to describe it other than SMOOTH, MAN, REAL SMOOTH. I am such a huge fan of vegetables-turned-into-dessert, like: carrot cake, carrot pie (!!!!), zucchini pie, etc etc. So when ice cream is made with shit like butternut squash or corn, things like that, I will opt for that over chocolate-y flavors every single time. This scoop was so pleasing and I wish it was on regular rotation!
The second scoop was a strawberry rose with tiny white chocolate chips, and I was worried that it would too tart, too sweet, too floral, but it was the perfect balance of all three, and those little chips really took the flavor to brand new heights. At first, I was like, “I will just eat half of each and save the rest for tomorrow,” but wow look at that, all gone.
Anyway, there was one thing that happened yesterday that took what would have been a fine, but maybe not too memorable, Valentine’s Day and punted it into ONE FOR THE SCRAPBOOKS:
Let me back up.
Living in the city of Pittsburgh means that choosing a high school for your kid can almost be like college-lite. We could do nothing and he would automatically become enrolled in Brashear, which has a seriously bad reputation and even if it may be less bad than it has been, it’s one of those schools that will probably always have a bad connotation to its name. So for Chooch’s entire life, we have been having frantic conversations about how to prepare for this. Should we try to move? We like living in the city, and even moving to a different part of the city might not really solve anything because then he’d just end up in another just-as-bad school. I always had a dream of him going to CAPA, which is our creative and performing arts school. I always felt like he could get into the writing program, but he fought me tooth and nail on it and very early on was like, “Look that is not what I want to do” and I had to get myself into check as I realized that I was sincerely starting to sound like my grandmother. And also I had to admit to myself that I only wanted him to go there because I had wished I had gone there in high school, lol. Oh, being That Mom is a lot of fun.
But I’ll never forget his fifth grade teacher telling us, “Look, your kid? He’s a math whiz. You gotta send him to SciTech. He’s your ticket to a beach house.”
The beach house part is especially what I remember, haha.
I knew that Chooch had always gotten As in math and science, but I had no idea that he actually enjoyed those classes. Not until that day, in that teacher’s room. And it’s true – he fucking adores math and does it for fun on his own time. So, he applied to SciTech last fall and then we waited.
I don’t think he cared nearly as much as me, but it was something I would think about everyday. “What happens if he doesn’t get in?” “Will Brashear break him?” Granted, he applied to another school, as well, and either one of those would have been fan-fucking-tastic.
Henry always gets pictures of our mail emailed to him from the post office because he’s a weirdo, but it was beneficial yesterday when he saw that one of the letters was from the Pgh Public Schools. My pulse quickened. I had that “Waiting to get called into the office” feeling ALL DAY. Henry kept texting Blake to ask him to check for the mail, which usually comes around 9:00am but of course on this day it didn’t get delivered until the afternoon. So Henry texted Chooch and was like, “Go home after school before you go to the teen center and open that letter.” So Chooch did and said he was going to wait for us to get home before he opened it and I was like YOU TELL THAT SON OF A BITCH TO OPEN THAT LETTER RIGHT THIS MINUTE, I CANNOT WAIT 3 MORE HOURS!!! So he opened it.
And it was from SciTech.
He got it.
I burst into tears as soon as Chooch texted me a picture of the letter. A million pounds of inner-city dread was removed from my chest. Apparently, Brashear had more arrests last year than other Pittsburgh school (my resource for that fact is Henry; I don’t feel like Googling to see if it’s true, lol). Look, I know in this day and age, no school is safe. It fucking sucks to even have to think this way. But SciTech will give him a better chance for a good education, and it’s right by the University of Pittsburgh campus and he loves it there—he can walk to the main branch of the Carnegie Library, for Christ’s sake! He has multiple bubble tea options! THE CATHEDRAL OF LEARNING IS ACROSS THE STREET.
His emotions are mixed right now, and I get it. He’s going to be separated from a lot of his friends after this year, and he was also hoping to get into the other school he applied to, because he knows a lot of kids there through the Gifted Center. But then after he went to the teen center last night, he found out his friend Zack also got into SciTech, so now he’s loosening up a little bit and he’s starting to get excited about it, like he used to be when we would talk about it when it was still so far away to really feel like a possibility.
Also, he had to write two essays for this application, and I have no idea what they said because he submitted it without showing us. He is too independent sometimes! We have barely had to help him with anything, aside from the occasional project which required the purchase of poster board and other craft shit. But his homework? Never once had to help. Never even have to micromanage him to make sure he’s doing it. I don’t know how we get away with that for this long, but I can only hope it continues through high school because I do NOT want to help with high school shit, lol.
He told me that one of the things he put in his essay was that he hoped SciTech could help him stay on the right path toward a bright future, where he can have a successful career in order to buy his mom a pension in South Korea. So, basically, there’s that beach house. <3
On that note, here’s a song that’s perfect for 2/14:
https://youtu.be/HnMuCf2XR-M
I’m still processing my thoughts (i.e. trying to piece my heart back together #sodramatic) so I’m handing this bitchblog over to Chooch, who is going to share his favorite part of the SuperM concert. HAVE AT IT, SONNY BOY.
*****
The tour was overall an astonishing concert, but there was one part, the one part that changed it all:
the main reason in particular that I enjoyed Lucas’ portion of the night was because of the cute background video of him dancing. Not only this though, but also because the song is just, in general, good. Now this song is stuck in my head… good luck! I used a video from Chicago because of the better quality sound and view of the background.
Friday afternoon, I got a text from Henry that said Chooch got a 4.0, which is something that is more easily attainable for him now that the SHITTIEST ART TEACHER AROUND left and the school actually got a competent replacement who seems to be doing a great job because my kid went from loathing art to actually enjoying it again like he used to when when was much younger. That old teacher was SUCH A BITCH and gave him his first C ever last year because she grades subjectively, which is a bunch of bullshit for middle school.
(Plus, she didn’t like him for god only knows why. I was there in 6th grade for open house and she conveniently “had to go to a meeting” when we walked into her classroom. She was real fucking sketchy about it too.)
So even though Chooch is always on the high honor roll, that broad’s stupid art class would usually drag him down. What a dumb bitch.
Anyway, when Henry told me the news, I was like, “Great now we’re going to have to take him to dinner and he’s going to pick something stupid like Eat n Park and if that happens, I’m not going. I should get to choose because I’m the reason he’s smart to begin with!”
“There it is,” Glenn mumbled when I finished my rant at work. “I knew you’d find a way to make this about yourself.”
I mean, duh.
And of course, the first place Chooch suggested was Eat n Park and I was like, “PLEASE PICK A BETTER PLACE, FOR CHRIST’S SAKE!” and after considering it for a few seconds, he said, “Well, I do kind of want Italian….”
“OK COOL SO TILLIE’S IT IS!” I declared, and Chooch was like, “Ooh yeah, Tillie’s!” like this was the best idea he’s ever heard in his whole life and I gratuitously blew on my fingernails while reminding him that I’m the brains of the household.
I will use any excuse to go to Tillie’s though. I have never had a bad experience there – it’s cozy, the service is always wonderful, and they have the best gnocchi in town, you can go on and fucking fight me if you disagree.
For some reason, my family never ate here when I was growing up, and we lived semi-nearby. I actually had never even heard of it until my friend Heather took me here for my 19th birthday and I was HOOKED. It’s not a fancy restaurant by any means, and you’ll usually see a mix of people in hoodies and old men in sports coats, but the food makes you feel like the richest person. Do you know what I mean? Like you’re on vacation in actual Italy and some old broad is slinging some authentic noods on a plate and capping it off with a healthy ladle of family secret tomato sauce.
It’s just good, yo.
When Chooch was really little though, he didn’t like it here because it “stank.”
It was the spaghetti sauce he was smelling and it didn’t “stink” – it makes you feel like you are taking a nap on a soft ravioli after being tucked in by a layer of wet tomatoes…OK maybe that sounds weird, but that smell always makes me feel warm and comforted!
Henry got a new flannel, finally.
It was on sale at Penney’s. He’s thrifty.
I think Henry was just happy that we picked Tillie’s and not some place that has bicycle parking and a roomful of kombucha-speckled handlebar mustaches.
You know your heads are still in Korea when your son thinks the gnocchi looks like tteokbokki, so now he calls it potato tteokbokki. I was so happy to be shoveling these little potato pillows in my mouth but apparently my stomach can no longer take on as much as it used to be able to because I felt like I was going to burst when I was halfway through.
Chooch got fettucine alfredo (classic) and Henry got a personal pizza, which is always super good at Tillie’s. We had a really nice time together, so thank you, Child, for being a brainiac and giving us a reason to go to Tillie’s. Not that we needed a reason, but going to Tillie’s is always more fun when you’re celebrating something.
I found out the next day that when Chooch went to the bathroom, some guy was in there peeing with his pants all the way down to the floor and Chooch saw his ass and then had me doubled over in laughter when he gave me the painful recap. I love hearing about Chooch’s adventures in public restrooms. I wish he would start a blog about it.
I look like a creep here but that’s fine. I can’t change my face, even though this morning I had a low self-esteem freak out and screamed about wanting to lose 30 million more pounds and having surgery to remove all of my weird parts and Henry said, “….so, your brain?” but I was thinking more along the lines of my entire face, but hey, that’s a (un-)wellness post for another day, I guess!
And on that note, I am going for a walk. I was off today because we were at the SuperM concert in Fairfax, VA last night and I have a lot of thoughts to sort through and wow, I just realized that I’m crying lol time to punch myself in the face.
After taking photos of Wendy’s daughter a few weeks ago, I decided that I should try to use my dumb camera more often because that shit wasn’t free. So I waited until Chooch got nice and cozy at the computer Sunday evening and then said, “Oh yeah, I want to take some portraits of you, go put on something presentable.”
He was thrill-to-the-e-d.
Over the summer, Chooch went to the pool with his pal Marky and I was like, “DON’T FORGET TO PUT ON YOUR SUNSCREEN!” and he did that know-it-all scoff that he does all the time now that he knows it all, and then SOMEHOW, even though he SWEARS he put IT ON, he got the worst sunburn OF HIS LIFE (his back was lobster-red except for two perfect hand-prints on his lower back, so now I know his method of applying sunscreen). Anyway, the sunburn on his face was so bad that he looked like Freddy Kreuger when it was at its peak nastiness, to the point where I wouldn’t leave the house with him because he was so embarrassing.
Yeah, I’m that kind of mom.
So, that was awful, and now he has a veritable constellation of freckles on his cheeks to remind us of the awesome parenting job we’re doing.
“When I get my first paycheck, like at my real job not the one I’m getting next year as soon as I turn 14 and get a permit, I’m going to a home store and buying a chair. One that I have to put together!” Chooch (13), dreaming bigly.
Here in the Erin Photography Studio, we keep it real and leave the lint and cat fur on the wardrobe.
There was some dumb couple walking their dog and gawking at us like they’re never seen a mom barking orders like, “LOOK MOODY! STAND IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD, WHO CARES ABOUT TRAFFIC! I WON’T FEED YOU TOMORROW IF YOU DON’T COOPERATE! YOU’LL SLEEP ON BROKEN GLASS TONIGHT, BUDDY BOY!!!” at her portrait subject.
We got this corgi shirt in Harajuku and I don’t want him to ever grow out of it because it’s amazing. He also wore it on school picture day and I hope he didn’t ruin the picture with a dumb smile but TIME WILL TELL.
“It’ll be fine – if a car comes, it will probably see you and stop.”
My favorite thing about taking pictures of Chooch is that he always resists but then 2 minutes into it, he’s all, “OH MOM, TAKE A PICTURE OF ME OVER HERE! TAKE A PICTURE OF ME PARKOURING! TAKE A PICTURE OF POSING NEXT TO THIS SPORTS CAR!” and then I’m always like, “NO THAT IS STUPID. STAND LIKE G-DRAGON WOULD STAND, LIKE YOU’RE ON TOP OF A MOUNTAIN OF MONEY AND CHOCO PIES.”
On our way back to our house, we saw Bob and the neighborhood Corgi celeb, Spencer!
I explained to Bob what we were doing, and he suggested that Chooch get his picture with a real Corgi, and Spencer happily obliged. Those two are soulmates.
And that has been my blog post of pictures and words.
My friend Wendy wanted me to take portraits of her daughter last weekend and I had some mild internal panicking because I have not used the “good camera” in a good long while, so about an hour before I had to leave (OK, maybe it was more like 30 minutes) I called Chooch home from his brother’s house and made him sit on the front steps for 3 minutes while I snapped some pictures in hopes of suddenly regaining some lost fake-talent.
I should probably start forcing Chooch into photoshoots again. That camera was not cheap and I barely use it!
Anyway, this has been a short “Here is what my 13-year-old son looks like through a lens that’s not attached to an iPhone or an on-ride camera at an amusement park” blog post.
I was outside on my lunch time walk on Monday when I happened to check Twitter, only because Henry so rudely got off the phone with me because he had to like, do his job or something, which silly me I thought his job was being my lunch time therapist but OK, you go on and do your other job then, bitch boy.
The very first tweet I saw was from Lisa, a girl I only e-know from Twitter; she had two tickets that she couldn’t use for a Stephen Chbosky lecture/book signing that night at the Carnegie Library Lecture Hall and was giving them away, the only catch was that they had to be picked up at her office downtown.
Shit.
Chooch loves Perks of Being a Wallflower.
Shit.
I work downtown and could easily get the tickets.
SHIT.
I just want to go home after work!
SHIT SHIT SHIT.
It was one of those classic Good Mom vs Lazy Person throw-downs. On weeknights, I am very against spontaneity. Do not text me from across the street wanting to “drop by” or I will have a stroke. Sometimes I miss my “I go to 15 post-hardcore shows a month” phase, but I’m very happy going home straight after work, changing clothes, eating dinner while watching roller coaster videos or Kpop music show performances on YouTube, exercising, watching a k-drama, and going to bed, with a hearty mix of “Henry Harassing” sprinkled in between. This is my post-post-hardcore life and I don’t hate it.
I had to force myself to think with the non-hermit side of my brain and consider the kid. This would be a cool opportunity for him and I should at the very least put in a modicum of effort.
So I texted Chooch a screenshot of the tweet, partially praying he would say no.
Instead he said, simply, “YES.”
So then I responded to Lisa and asked if the tickets were still available.
She said THEY WERE.
UGHHHHH. NOW I WAS IN TOO DEEP. CONTACT WAS MADE. I asked where her office was and the ticket hand-off was made quickly and painlessly.
OK look, for as much as it pained me to have an impromptu social engagement to attend instead of going home and begging Henry to take us to some far-flung amusement park, I knew that this was a cool opportunity for Chooch. He read “Perks…” over the summer in Korea, on buses and subways and planes, even at G-Dragon’s pension, and it’s what inspired him to want to start a book club at the Teen Center. I think he’s at that perfect age where certain books are resonating with him. And ever since we read The Outsiders last year (it was required reading), he’s always on the prowl for more coming-of-age books.
He really connected with Perks.
Henry dropped us off at the Carnegie Library. Chooch looked so cute and scholarly in his khakis and a nice shirt! He was READY for this. Henry had bought him a new edition of Perks and I bought him Chbosky’s new novel, “Imaginary Friend,” from a stand up at the front of the room. It’s approx. 500 more pages than Perks, so good luck with that, Chooch.
I wanted to sit somewhere in the back, but Chooch marched right over to the front of the damn place and chose the fifth row. He probably would have sat closer if he could have but the first three rows were mostly reserved for Stephen’s friends and family.
We had a good 30 minutes to relax and people-watch. The crowd was super diverse. Everyone from college students to the elderly turned out for this, and before long, the venue was full.
Oh yeah, it would be beneficial at some point to mention that Stephen Chbosky is from Pittsburgh, so this is even more special and meaningful. And the movie version of Perks was filmed here too. In fact, the Rocky Horror Picture Show scenes were filmed right down the street from my house at the Hollywood Theater.
I haven’t read the book (I started to when Chooch was sleeping on the plane to Tokyo) but I have seen the movie so I know the gist of it and can totally see why this book would mean so much to kids in the formative years. In fact, when I posted about this on Instagram that night, numerous people commented to say that book saved them in high school. How amazing that must feel to be the person responsible for writing something that made practically a whole generation of kids feel understood, seen, less alone. And now it’s being passed on to a brand new generation. Pretty amazing.
I wasn’t sure what to expect from Stephen Chbosky. Would he be all navel-gaze-y? Drunk? Super awkward? Nope, he was outgoing, funny, honest, and full of energy. He was full of interesting and entertaining anecdotes, read a chapter from his new book (“I closed my eyes during that because I wanted to be able to visualize it better,” Chooch told me later), and then answered some questions from the crowd.
Chooch LOVED it. He hung on every word, laughed at all the jokes and stories, and applauded with a certain brand of sophisticated zeal like he was at the motherfucking opera. His attitude might be questionable at times, but this is my favorite Chooch-age so far. We can do things like this without him getting bored and antsy!
I thought it was nuts that this is his first book in 20 years, and I let imagining him in a dark room with one desk lamp and a bunch of empty whisky bottles on the floor around his slipper’d feet, but then when he was being introduced by some library woman, I was reminded that he’s also a screen writer and director, and yeah, he’s been busy between those two books, writing the screenplay for Rent and Beauty & the Beast (the movie) and directing Wonder.
There was a good discussion about inclusion of physical differences and LGBTQ representation in books and films, and he really seems to get it. It did get a little tense though when a girl in a wheelchair borderline attacked him for not using a boy with facial differences in his film Wonder, but he explained that they did try to find a candidate for the role, but only one child who fit the description applied and he just couldn’t do it so they had to go with a child actor and use prosthetics. The girl in the wheelchair compared this to a white person doing black face in a film instead of a black actor being hired. I think there is a fine line there, and I saw both points, but I didn’t think her comparison was fair. Stephen pointed out how incredibly difficult and mentally taxing it is for child actors and said that this particular boy, with no acting experience, was just unable to handle it. But that since then, Stephen has been working with an organization whose specific goal is to train and hone actors with all types of differences so that he can be sure there is broader representation in his future films.
What do you guys think about this? It was a very fragile, sensitive topic but really worth talking about and even though the girl who asked the question was combative and kind of rude, it really opened the floor up for a good discussion and I was glad that Chooch got to hear it and have something to think about.
After an hour or so of that, it was time to get in line for the book signing, which OF COURSE started on the opposite side from where we were sitting and literally our whole row was OLD PEOPLE and none of them were in a hurry to get up, so we had to go the long way to get to the end of the line and I thought Chooch’s head was going to explode.
He was SO PISSED. Especially because the four people next to us when a different way, cut in front of a bunch of people and somehow got in the front of the line while we were about 50 heads back.
The girl in the wheelchair reappeared with her friend and service dog and was EXTREMELY ANGRY that the line for the book signing was blocking the entrance to the wheelchair lift. The girl behind me was standing directly in front of it and exclaimed, “Oh my god, I’m so sorry, I didn’t see it there!” and the girl in the wheelchair snapped something about “how could you not see it?” and then she got in the wheelchair lift with her dog and it just sat there for an excruciating amount of time and Chooch panicked and hit the “down” button a second time for her until it eventually began its snail-like descent. She made me so nervous!! I didn’t want her to yell at me!
Suddenly, Chooch said, “I can’t wait to get out of here and finish programming games on my calculator.” The ultimate dork, you guys. My son. God love him.
After about 45 minutes in line, we finally made it to the table. There was a couple in front of us and right after the guy had his book signed, one of the library people came over and stopped his girlfriend was moving up in line and then waved over an older couple from out of nowhere.
“Are you fucking kidding me?” Chooch cried. “We literally just got Fast Passed. AGAIN.”
This always happens to us at amusement parks! Right when we think we’re next, the ride attendant is like, “Sorry guys” and then lets some dumb Fast Pass d-bag take the back row from under our noses.
I don’t know who these people were, but Chooch said that the lady was signing a CD or something for Stephen’s wife and then they took a selfie together, but it didn’t seem like Stephen knew them!?
Whatever. It was eventually Chooch’s turn and he was like FREAKING OUT. He shyly said, “This is my favorite book tied with The Outsiders.”
“Wow. I will TAKE that tie!” Stephen said happily, and Chooch’s face was so red. It was amazing. It’s not often I get to see the shy side of my kid, let me tell you. But meeting Stephen Chbosky definitely was an awe-inspiring moment for him and for a fleeting second I thought to myself, “MAYBE CHOOCH WILL WANT TO BE A WRITER” but oh god, I don’t want the poor kid to be tortured. I was a miserable, suicidal sack of insecurities when I used to fake-write. Now I just crap-blog and life is so much better! WOO!
Look at this. So cute. So presh. So there’s-something-in-my-eye. I’m glad I put my selfishness in my back pocket for once and indulged Chooch in something that mattered to him. I drag him to enough of my concerts! He’s earned this.
***********
Later that night, I was texting Janna and she said she’s never actually read “Perks” so I asked Chooch if she could borrow his copy.
“I mean I guess,” Chooch sighed. “But you should let her know that there are things called libraries.”
He’s such a dick.
Kpop is a really expensive lifestyle, my chingu. And when groups come here around the same time, we have to choose wisely.
Because we skipped out on this year’s KCON (lineup was not worth the $$$ for me, not a knock against those groups though!) I decided to try and snag tickets for GOT7’s upcoming North American tour instead, since the last two times they were here we couldn’t go because of other concerts.
GOT7 is Chooch’s ult group and he is always mumbling about how it’s not fair that we go see the groups I like, blah blah, so I figured it was time to throw him a bone. I was able to get seats in the front row of one of the nosebleed balcony sections and then told Henry, “Oh yeah, and it’s in Toronto.”
He was not pleased, especially when he realized it was a Sunday. Toronto’s not that far of a drive from Pittsburgh – 5 hours – but when you’re driving there and back in the same day, that’s a whole ‘nother story, broski. He found a nice parking spot next to a fountain and slept/watched Netflix/walked to Union Station to pee, you know — Henry things.
Meanwhile, Chooch and I managed to get inside ScotiaBank Arena with little problems; it’s apparently the same place I saw G-Dragon in 2017 but just has a different name now. The people who scanned our tickets were so friendly, and then while we were in line for merch, another staff member came over and said to us, “If I told you there was another merch table a few gates over with a shorter line, would you believe me?” Of course it was true, because why would he lie!? So we were able to snatch a tour t-shirt in no time. The staff at ScotiaBank was SO NICE. Trust me, I have been treated like shit by venue staff before, so when staff members do things like give us merch tips, that’s something that can make a good concert experience GREAT.
By this point, it was a little after 7 so we started to enter a stairwell to begin our ascent to the third floor. A security guard blocked our path, and I was starting to wonder if our good run of friendly staff was coming to an end. He told us that the upper levels were closed and I said, no, that was impossible, our seats were in the third level.
“They’re giving out ticket upgrades at the guest relations table,” he said, pointing us the right direction. I couldn’t imagine why this was happening, I have never received ticket upgrades for any show I’ve attended, so I was paranoid. But we got in the fast-moving queue and some broad handed us two tickets for seats in the 100 section so we shrugged and set off to find our gate, at which point we realized that we were like, RIGHT TO THE SIDE OF THE STAGE, only about 20 rows up from the floor, whaaaaaat.
We were so giddy about this, but then I looked around and realized that this was probably pretty shitty for GOT7 though, because it looked like maybe they didn’t sell as many tickets as they anticipated. I mean, they were performing in a huge arena, the same one that the Toronto Maple Leafs play in, and it looked like they closed off the upper levels and literally moved everyone down to fill the seats, and even then there were a lot of empty spots.
:(
But, we went from $80 seats to $125 seats, so that was pretty awesome for us!
GOT7 is pretty popular here in the States, and I think maybe what happened was BTS announced their stadium tour right after GOT7, and people went crazy and chose that over GOT7, because the BTS hype is fucking insane. For us though, we just saw BTS last fall and choosing GOT7 was a no-brainer.
And let me just say, it was WORTH IT. Even though I was suffering through a stomach ache during their whole concert and the entire excruciating drive home to Pittsburgh.
Especially because GOT7 can SANG, motherfuckers. They can SANG SO GOOD.
They came out with Eclipse, their most recent comeback track, and I don’t know why I continue to be so stunned at how well the talent of these groups translates to these giant stages, but there is not even a millisecond of slouching or phoning it in. They are ON POINT, and seeing that choreography spill out on the stage in front of us is honestly breathtaking. GOT7 has some of the best dances out of any boy group out there right now. It’s literally sickening.
GOT7 is interesting because they’re not just made up of Koreans: Mark is American/Taiwanese, Bam Bam is Thai, and Jackson is Chinese (Hong Kong). Chooch’s bias is Bam Bam, and luckily for him, Bam Bam is fluent in English and did A LOT of the talking that night!
My bias is Youngjae! He reminds me a bit of Daesung from Bigbang because his vocals are STRONG, LOUD, and SOLID.
He has my favorite part in my current favorite GOT7 song, 1°:
Chooch’s favorite GOT7 song is “Confession Song,” which was this cute little Christmas-y song from 2015 and he kept screaming, “PLAY CONFESSION SONG!!!!” I was like, “Buddy, I don’t think they’re going to play that song.”
They didn’t.
But Chooch still loved every minute of the show. He even got really emotional and teared up when all the members were talking in between songs and Jinyoung said that he wanted everyone to know that even though he doesn’t show his emotions very often, that he still has just as much fun as the rest of the members. It was really sweet but Chooch caught me off guard with how affected he was by that moment..??!
My original favorite GOT7 song is “If You Do” because it was one of my favorite kpop dance workout videos from Sarahkpop, but alas, they did not perform that song so I had to join Chooch in the “NO PLAY SONG” boat.
Still, their set list was pretty solid so we didn’t have any complaints!
This setlist is actually inaccurate because I know for sure they also performed “Miracle” at some point.
I learned that night that GOT7 is almost entirely self-produced. JB, their leader, produces most of their music and Yungyeom does a lot of the choreography. I had no idea about this and it tripled my respect for them, honestly. Especially since kpop has the reputation of being mass-produced factory music.
After Bam Bam pointed this out, he said that he hopes that one day they will be recognized worldwide as a group who make their own music. Imagine how frustrating it is to be other groups in Korea, busting their asses and brimming with talent, only to be eclipsed by another group who just happened to hit it at the right time.
Ugh I could write an entire blog series on this BUT I WON’T.
Guys, I swear Youngjae waved to me. YOU WEREN’T THERE, OK.
Either Chooch finally getting to the age where an entire concert can hold his attention, or he just genuinely likes kpop better than rock/emo/post hardcore because he’s been so present for these last few concerts we’ve gone to together. Usually, he’ll start to drift off (he fell asleep during BTS and all the non-kpop shows would have him looking at Fortnite shit on his phone) but especially for GOT7 he was screaming his face off and just loving every second of it so sorry Henry if driving to Toronto was annoying for you because Chooch really had a great night.
(But oh lord, that drive home, kill me.)
Anyway, go listen to GOT7! Support them and love them, they deserve it!
Remember how Chooch was student of the month for April at the Teen Center? Well, Senator Wayne Fontana was there last week to present Chooch with a letter of recognition and a $20 gift certificate to Scoops (two $10 gift certificates, one of which Chooch has already misplaced *eye roll emoji goes here*).
Chooch was so nonchalant about this whole thing too, because nothing fazes him. He was just all “Yeah I gave to meet the senator or whatever” like it was another Thursday, no big deal, if Obama calls, take a message. I’d have been a nervous wreck if I were in his shoes!
I know that things can change in a heartbeat (hell, I was a high honor student and threw it all away for no good reason other than, oh wait, severe depression and untreated bipolar disorder lol) but I really feel like Chooch’s future is just going to keep getting brighter if he stays on this path and I’m grateful that our community has an awesome organization that helps with that. I honestly thought this place was just like a glorified lounge where kids played video games after school but it’s so much more than that!
Who knows, maybe Chooch will be Senator someday! (I’d have to scrub this blog lol.)
I didn’t know this was happening that day so I’m just happy he was wearing clean clothes.
I guess I should thank my kid for acting like a smart-ass teen simmering in a vat of sarcasm for the last 8 or so years, but it still is super startling to me that he is officially a teenager as of today.
For as much as we butt heads & word-snipe at each other, I’d like to think that we have a tight relationship and he hasn’t reached that point yet where he’s ashamed to be seen with me and Henry (I just verified this with him right now). It’s been a wild 13 years but wow, you guys, he’s really grown into such a cool homie.
He sent me this text ^^^ yesterday – like, how fucking sweet, amirite?! Granted the present was a load of banana bread that the Teen Center ringleader made, but still! He said he was originally going to give me the loaf that he had already taken a chunk out of, but then decided to give me the full loaf instead. WOW, SUCH GENEROSITY.
Everyone at work always wishes me a Happy C-Section Incision Anniversary on this day because it’s wildly known that I am super neurotic about my phantom incision pain. IT IS REAL AND I HAVE IT.
I was mad that he didn’t even have the decency to dry his dumb-ass 1970s John Ritter hair.
(As I type this, Chooch randomly has the 1980s Music Choice channel on TV and “Spring Love” by Stevie B is on but he keeps having the audacity to TALK OVER IT so I yelled, “I don’t care if it’s still your birthday, I’m trying to listen to this song so STFU!” and he murmured “Wow.”)
What else can I tell you about 13-year-old Chooch…he still loves dogs and asked every dog-walker we pass if he can pet their dog. He is desperate to get a job because he wants to build a gaming computer so he hoards every cent he gets. He loves the lottery (Henry played his birthdate for him and Chooch screamed I HAVE TO CHECK THE NUMBERS earlier tonight like a fucking 80-year-old). He still gets along better with adults. He calls everyone a dingo. He is super independent – during his spring break, he and his friend Haojie rode their bikes to one of the malls six miles away and let me tell you, I was a nervous wreck but at the same time I was like YOU DO YOU CHOOCH because I never would have thought about leaving my neighborhood when I was 13!
However, he’s also as dense as a loaf of fucking potato bread because when they decided to take the trolley home from the mall, he couldn’t find the trolley station and I was like it’s in the giant parking garage past Eat n Park, so he sent me a screenshot of a map of the area and asked me to DRAW IT?! Nate heard me bitching about this at work and came out of his office holding up the satellite view on his phone and said, “YOU MEAN THIS PARKING GARAGE, ERIN? THIS SIX-STORY PARKING GARAGE IN THE MALL PARKING LOT?” I mean, if he couldn’t see that, perhaps he shouldn’t be riding his bike miles away from home?
Anyway, they eventually found the fucking thing and I told him not once, not twice, not thrice, BUT FOUR TIMES to make sure they took the red line.
They took the blue line.
“Don’t worry,” he texted. “The driver told us what to do.”
They actually made it home, somehow.
Oh, another thing about him is that he is really charitable, like he’ll buy his friends drinks from CVS or give a homeless person a buck, but god forbid don’t ask him for one of his French fries. We had a HUGE fight over this last week which resulted in me shrieking about how I shared my body with FETUS-HIM for nine months and then spoonfed his pathetic baby-ass for however-the-fuck long but he won’t give me one fucking fry?!
He gave me two after that.
We walked to Scoops for some birthday ice cream after dinner, and I realized that this might have been the first year we didn’t get him a cake?! Is that weird? Do I get some sort of parental penalty for that oversight? Maybe I can buy him a Hostess cake from a gas station on the way to King’s Island on Saturday, or a cake pop from Starbucks? I don’t even think he cares. He got to have a sopapilla at his birthday dinner and I’m pretty sure he prefers that over cake.
I can’t wait to have patbingsu on my birthday….in Korea, hahahaha, whaddup, Chooch?!?
Anyway, here’s to thirteen happy years with my little BABY-WABY and also 13 years of having a battle-scarred, incision-twingey body thanks to my little BABY-WABY. I hope we’re always close and that when he’s an adult and I’m dead or whatever, he thinks back on his childhood fondly and tells his kids stories about how his mom was so fucking super cool and SACRIFICED HER ABILITY TO COMFORTABLY WEAR A CROP-TOP EVER AGAIN. I mean, I hope he tells them about how his parents took him everywhere and how their friends treated him like he was their friend too and how his mom was the cooler one but the dad was alright too.
(Ugh now Taylor Dayne’s “Love Will Lead You Back” is on this stupid music channel and I might be crying.)
A Chooch For Every Year: 2006-2019
My LITTLE BABY (lol) is going to be THIRTEEN on Thursday, and even though we’re going to be celebrating his big day of birth at King’s Island next weekend, I still wanted to do something small & casual so that our close friends and family could be there too. He’s teetering on that crazy-emotional Not a Kid Anymore But What Am I precipice where he irrationally thinks that we don’t care about him so…fun times!
I thought a small surprise dinner the weekend before his birthday would be perfect, and I made real life invitations to send out too because, you know, how do you invite people to a party when you’re not on Facebook anymore?
And even such a small event still gave me pee-jigs and puke-feels all day leading up to the surprise.
Chooch has been craving Mexican food like a pregnant lady binge-watching telenovelas (he actually is binge’ing* Jane the Virgin and yes I know they’re not Mexican but it’s kind of funny because it basically is a telenovela and in fact, he’s sitting next to me as I type this, trying to give me recaps of the last episode he watched and I truly, sincerely don’t care), so it seemed obvious that we should make Old Mexico the location of the festivities.
*(That word is so weird—like, how do you even spell it. It doesn’t look right no matter which way I’ve seen it and I wish it wasn’t a thing.)
And then the night before, Chooch told us he was going on a hike the next day with the Teen Center and I panicked because WE HAD TO BE AT THE RESTAURANT BY 4:15 AND HAD ACTUAL RESERVATIONS AND THIS LITTLE SHIT WAS GOING TO RUIN HIS OWN PARTY! It ended up being fine, and they got back way earlier than expected, plus he was with his friend Liam so I suggested that he ask Liam to come to dinner (he knew we were going to dinner, but not that a bunch of guests were going to be waiting for him) and Henry was like “GREAT, ERIN” because Henry hates socializing with Chooch’s friends but I like Liam! He was allowed to go so that was cool.
Anyway, everyone managed to get there on time (except for Wendy but I knew ahead of time that she would be late so I wasn’t mad!) and he was so shocked! I was also shocked that everyone who RSVPd really came! MY MOM AND DAD WERE BOTH THERE YOU GUYS. This has never happened. I almost cried, and my dad paid for my mom!! (They divorced like 20 years ago or something but have grown amicable over the years so it wasn’t really that huge of a deal, but now Chooch is like, “MAYBE THEY’LL BE LIKE XIOMARA AND ROGELIO!!” which is a stupid Jane the Virgin reference, so if Chooch tries to do some Grandparent Trap action, that’s not my fault!!)
Tommy and Jessy brought this big birthday balloon with them which was a GOOD CALL because I brought nothing. No party artifacts. No birthday ephemera. No Eyes Wide Shut masks.
After we got to the table, I asked Chooch if he was surprised and he said, “I mean, the hostess asked us if we were with the table of 15, so…”
FUCK.
I think he was still surprised though. In my head, he was surprised.
This was his first time seeing Tommy after THE PRANK. Tommy signed the card “and Charlie” which was the name he was using to prank Chooch with last week, haha.
Wendy made me take this picture of her and then I threatened to put it on our department’s wiki page and she was like, “Oh god, please don’t” and then I told my parents, “This is my friend Wendy, we work together and she’s like my boss, I guess.”
I was so happy that my parents and brother Ryan were there! My other brother had to work, and another person who had to work WAS BLAKE. He tried so hard to get someone to switch with him but it was a no-go and he was pretty bummed out, but Haley, Calvin and Lily were there to represent the Robbins side of the family!
I was so happy that everyone seemed to mesh well with each other, because you never know with dinners like this – they could be awkward!
Also, Henry never looks at us the way he looks at Calvin!?
e
I think it helped that half of us were drinking margaritas. Patty asked me to go check the parking lot toward the end of the dinner to see if her ride was there, and I have to admit that I have no recollection of how I got from the dinner table to the front door of the restaurant, so…
Also, I rarely drink anymore so it really doesn’t take much.
Liam got fish which was an interesting choice I thought for a kid at a Mexican restaurant. I got the vegetable plate with rice and I thought I would be food-shamed over it because again, who goes to a Mexican restaurant for undressed vegetables but I knew that anything else would make me sick for the rest of the night, so I went for it. When it was served to me though, everyone was like, “Whoa, that smells so good! What did you get?” and it was literally just Mexican rice and a boatload of fajita-esque vegetables and it was SO GOOD. I scarfed down that whole plate, felt fulfilled, and didn’t want to puke later that night!
Thank you, Old Mexico!
OMG Wendy talking to my dad, lololol.
Patty and Jessy just met that night but hit it off!
This might be favorite picture of the night: Chooch and his soon-to-be sister-in-law Haley, and believe me, they are definitely sibling-ish!
Chooch and his pal, Patty! She volunteers at the nursing home she used to be a resident at, and she said some of the residents remembered Chooch from when we would visit and he would play piano for them, so they asked her to relay their birthday wishes for him and I thought that was so sweet. Look, I’m really grateful that Patty was able to leave there and go back to her own house, but I do miss when we used to visit her there. Some of those people were major characters!
Chooch with Jessy and Tommy! Tom is his frenemy for real, but they’re like family to us even though we don’t see them often anymore. I was so freaking happy that they could make it, because they live pretty far away.
Wendy and Summer with my family!
Chooch and Janna—man, she has been there from the beginning and is basically family to him. I actually confirmed the date of his dinner with her first before I even made invitations because it was imperative that she be there, duh.
Poor Liam had no fucking idea what he signed up for. He thought he was just tagging along to a quiet family dinner with his friend, lol.
And then Chooch ordered a sopapilla, not knowing that it was going to turn into A THING because he didn’t grow up with the horror of being birthday-shamed by the staff at ChiChi’s like the rest of us did. (RIP, ChiChi’s, and also the people who died because of your poisoned green onions.)
(OMG that fucking corn sidedish they had. WHY, CHICHI’S, WHYYYYYY???? COME BAAAAAACK!!)
One of the waiters gave Chooch a handful of whipped cream to the face and I died. If anyone deserves whipped cream to the face, it’s certainly my kid.
This happened after Jessy commented that Chooch looked the same as he did when he was younger except without the constant ring of ice cream and dirt around his lips and he was like HOLD MY LEMONADE.
This kid will forever make a mess at dinner,
What a great turnout! I think he really felt loved and at the end of the day, this was all I wanted from that dinner.
On the way home, I told him that Chronica couldn’t make it because Chris was flying home from Calgary that day and her flight was delayed. (She ended up not getting home until after 10PM, sadly.)
“Chris and her stupid countries!” Chooch cried.
And when I told him that Kara had tickets to the Beer Barge, he scoffed, “Really? Kara chose BEER over ME?”
Anyway, I’m glad that we pulled this off without any drama and minimal stress so that now I can selfishly focus on King’s Island which you have to know is really more for me than anyone else, lol. LOOK, HE WOULDN’T HAVE A BIRTHDAY IF NOT FOR ME, SO.
I needed a recent non-iPhone picture of Chooch so we had a super-quick photoshoot yesterday before dinner, and Chooch was less-than-thrilled but he did go along with it without too much fuss and didn’t even hold out his hand for payment like he normally does these days.
Right before we went to go outside though, HNC had just parked across the street so I told Chooch I wanted to wait for him to go in his house because I’m more paranoid and twitchy than a tweaker under a Seattle bridge in 1991. It took him so long to cross the street, I couldn’t even believe it. Every time I looked out the window, he was STILL in the street so then I wondered if he was playing Frogger, maybe that’s what he does to blow off some steam after a day of doing whatever it is HNC does.
Finally, Chooch looked out and said he wasn’t there anymore, so I flounced out of the house like a weirdo with my camera, but HNC WAS STILL ON HIS PORCH, UNLOCKING HIS DOOR. And then Chooch came out of the house so HNC was all, “WHOA! YOU LOOK LIKE SNAZZY! WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!”
And Chooch just got all nervous and mute, so I said, “Oh, we’re just doing a photo shoot.”
“Oh! Where?” he asked, probably giving us way too much credit and thinking we were going to…Olan Mills, lololol.
“Um, behind the house,” shrugged and he was just like, “Oh…ok. Have fun!”
But then I did that thing that I do where I’m trying to act like we’re not doing anything weird (and we actually weren’t!!!!) by continuing to spit out superfluous small talk.
“Thanks! Yeah, I need some 13-year-old pictures of him,” I over-explained, and then after HNC said he understood, I tacked on, “Plus, I like to abuse him” and nervously laughed.
“Nothing wrong with that!” HNC laughed, and we walked away.
“Why did you say that?” Chooch hissed. “Now he’s going in his house and calling CPS!”
LOL.
But really, hopefully he didn’t.
So last week, Chooch had to give a presentation on the project he did for Black History Month. His subject was James Beckworth and after two months of hearing about this guy and going to the main Carnegie library to look for books on this obscure guy, all I can tell you is that he climbed mountains.
I don’t even know when he was alive.
Anyway, his Communications teacher is real uptight when it comes to things like this, which I actually appreciate because he is going to be so prepared for high school reports, etc., and she makes these things super formal. So even though the presentations only last 5-10 minutes, she expects every kid to dress up for it. Usually, Chooch waits until the last minute to drop this on me, but this time he gave me three whole days notice only because he wanted me to buy him a lavender suit!?
Trust me, I love the idea of a lavender suit. So many styling options! Such photo ops! But I wasn’t buying him a lavender suit for a five-minute presentation.
Perhaps for his first dance or…mock trial?
So my response to that was BOY YOU WILL WEAR SOMETHING YOU ALREADY HAVE IN YOUR CLOSET and then I remembered this red blazer that I bought back during my shortlived I AM GOING TO BE AN AVANT GARDE FASHION DESIGNER phase but that quickly ended once Henry was like, “No, I am not buying you a sewing machine because you’ll never use it and then I’ll get stuck finishing your projects.”
….so?
Doesn’t this red blazer look fabulous with his watermelon shirt?! Even he agreed that it was the next best thing to a lavender suit, so we didn’t have to go through our usual head-butting routine. This is what he wore for his presentation and we all lived happily ever after.
KOREAN LESSON TIME: The word for watermelon in Korean is SUBAK.
EXTRA CREDIT: The word for pumpkin in Korean is HOBAK which sounds like ho-bag which makes me think of high school because ho-bag was the cordial “hey bitch” greeting of the 1990s.
He said his teacher’s reaction to his outfit was, “….THIS CHILD.”
Lol.
I can hear her saying that too. She is super sassy and has super-threatening acrylics. Chooch is always like “UGH Ms. SMITH” like everyday but I think he secretly likes her and she definitely likes him because she pushes him extra hard and he is obsessed with getting the best grades in her class.
In other Chooch news, this happened on Saturday:
They’re actually going to have tteokbokki for him this month! I’m not sure if I ever said it on here before, but that Teen Center (it’s actually called the Teen Outreach) is amazing and our neighborhood is so lucky to have it. They offer all kinds of extra-curricular activities like cooking classes, yoga, improv (which Chooch just signed up for) and he also gets paid to attend these weekly “Manhood” classes where he is being taught all the important things (re: PUBERTY, sex, etc.) that Henry hasn’t talked to him about, and also things like HERE IS HOW TO RESPECT WOMEN, which we do talk about but how many boys don’t know these things!? A ton. And this awesome group is doing their part in preventing future date rapes / domestic violence / sexual harassment.
And yes, I did notice that there is something similar offered for girls, as well.
They even have field trips! He went geocaching last week and learned about aqua pods or something equally as boring, I can’t remember. And they go on hikes during the summer so they’re not actually all sitting around on dirty couches playing video games like I originally thought.
Man, I can’t believe I used to make fun of this place and get annoyed that he spends so much time there.
Anyway, that concludes my obligatory Chooch update.
Look, we all make mistakes. My latest one was falling for some Instagram ad for this awesome looking tiger* coat that LOOKED like something one would wear outside in the cold, and the price was reasonable so I bought it and then quickly realized it was coming from China, so RIP my hopes and dreams.
*(The description on the website says it’s a Dragon but it looks more tiger-like to me?)
**(OK, I sort of get the dragon-esque vibes now.)
It took a month and a half to arrive and I knew before I even opened it that it was going to be a dud. The package was too small and light! Oh, that’s because IT’S NOT A COAT. It’s more like…a robe. And it feels like something you would buy at the Halloween store! Like Dracula’s cape! I had just finished sending them an irate, increasingly ALL CAPS email threatening to burn their warehouse to the ground, when I turned around to see Chooch modeling it and I was like OK FINE WE’LL KEEP IT. He made it look cool!
He wore it to his piano lesson yesterday (“I feel like this is something G-Dragon would wear,” he said, which made it even better of course) and his teacher Cheryl loved it. (She has a neck tattoo now?! She is even cooler than before! I love neck tattoos! Well, the cool ones, not the prison ones.)
Then we did a quick photoshoot which didn’t involve any arguing, surprisingly (between Chooch and me; I emasculated Henry for a good seven minutes straight, don’t worry.
It’s an empty bottle guys. I think it might even the same bottle that was there when we took pictures at this same location 2 years ago so you can go ahead and put down that phone now.
I’m so mad this isn’t a legit coat! I’d have fucking worn it everyday. But as it is now, Chooch likes to throw it on (along with a gas mask) when he hears Blake and Haley going outside to smoke NO NOT BECAUSE HE’S GOING TO SMOKE WITH THEM PUT DOWN THE FUCKING PHONE but because he likes to lecture them on how smoking is bad for their health. So this is like his uniform for that new role in life.
We watched Bird Box last night but Chooch wasn’t wearing his new “coat” during it. I was mildly interested after hearing all the DON’T DO THE BIRD BOX CHALLENGE warnings, but truth be told, Sandra Bullock is one of my least favorite actors in the whole entire world and I have been pretty successful in avoiding her for the last decade or so. But my mom was all, “You have to watch it! I watched it 5 times!”
So we watched it.
My spoilerless thoughts:
This is also isn’t a spoiler but she had two kids in the movie: a boy and a girl named Boy and Girl. Chooch said he was surprised that I didn’t name him Boy and I told him I almost named him Orphan instead SERIOUSLY STOP CALLING CPS IT WAS A JOKE.
Chooch’s final thoughts on the jacket was that it reminded him of something that a rich man would wear while laying in bed with 10 prostitutes, so…a Huge Hefner robe? I don’t know how he knows about that. Go ahead, you can call CPS on Henry.
After all that, I texted my mom and she said she hated the ending so I was like THEN WHY DID YOU WATCH IT 5X.
PROBABLY THE SAME LOGIC I HAD FOR BUYING THIS DUMB GIGOLO ROBE.
The last time we were in Tennessee was in 2011 with our friends Bill and Jessi, and we missed them so much this time around! I remember when they invited us to go with them that year, I was like, “Ew, Tennessee. What’s even in Tennessee?” and then found out that this area in particular is A FUCKING WONDERLAND. It has something for everyone! Country crap for country people. Old people shit for old people. Church garbage for Christians. Outdoor junk for nature nerds. AND A ZILLION TOURIST TRAPS FOR ME. We will get to all that stuff later.
On Saturday, aka Dollywood Eve, we made some time for some Smoky Mountain action, because you can’t go to the Pigeon Forge/Gatlinburg area without doing at least a little bit of nature shit. I made sure Chooch changed out of his stained hoodie (literally got like 48 stains on it just in the four hours it took us to get from our hotel in Beckley, WV to Tennessee — just watching him eat lunch made me realize that I failed as a mom because my kid is 12 and still needs a bib) and into socially-acceptable garb beforehand, and then we set off for the Great Smoky National Park or whatever, where Henry was immediately at wit’s end with us and praying for a bear attack.
He’s so mean. :(
I’m not the most nature-y person, but damn, it’s really fucking beautiful there you guys. Not a bad view anywhere. (Unless someone with a MAGA hat gets in your line of vision.)
Second time in the Smokies and I still don’t know how to spell it.
Senior picture practice.
He’s a good sport (mostly) about these photoshoots and always has a pose or two of his own to contribute. Um, like this one.
We actually kind of got along during our scenic stroll through the bear-laden woods. (I was so afraid of getting attacked! Are they hibernating yet? I’M NOT SURE!) I felt like we were, I don’t know, making family memories or something. Like some day, Chooch will fondly recount this day to his future kids and they’ll be like, “What’s a mountain? What’s a tree?”
OMG WHY DID I TYPE THAT NOW I’M SO DEPRESSED.
Mood.
Here’s some more that I took with my phone-y-phone-la-la-la.
My favorite part was when Chooch and I were practicing exaggerated walking moves from Leslie Sansone walking workouts and didn’t realize that there was a family having some type of celebratory picnic nearby, watching our every move. THEY WERE SO JEALOUS OF OUR CREATIVE WALKING. I think this was the point where Henry ran back to the car ahead of us and tried to lock us out.
It’s nothing short of a miracle that he didn’t:
How many murders have happened in these woods.
In Korean, the word for mountain is SAN (산) which you would know IF YOU READ MY KOREA TRAVEL BLOG POSTS.
God, you guys. The things you could learn from this stupid blog! IT IS A TREASURE TROVE OF TRIVIA.
We kept making Henry pull over at overlooks and he was getting so pissed because people weren’t parking to his liking.
We came here last time too!
Man, for only being in Tennessee for two days, I have so much to tell you! So, check back or whatever.