The Rescheduled Xmas Picnic 2020: Good Food & Near Death By Snow Ball

 holidays
Jan 052021
 

Henry and I started having these dumb cemetery picnics back in 2005, during the Christmas when I was pregnant and my family abandoned me, lol. This sounds like an episode of Teen Mom but I promise you I was 25. Anyway, it was kind of cute and I was happy that we were doing our thing on the holiday instead of relying on other people to invite us over and feed us like we’re a joint charity case, so it became something that we kept doing even when things were better and drama-free – we’d always carve out some time in the afternoon for a quick sandwich at the cem before heading over to my grandma’s house or whatever. And the last several years, we found out that this one amazing bakery called Pink Box is open on Christmas Day so we started going to a different cemetery that’s down the street from Pink Box and I gotta tell you, it’s a really delicious tradition to have!

This year though it snowed really bad on Christmas Day and to be honest, I was content hanging at home where it was warm and cozy. We waited until the weekend and had our belated picnic on a much warmer day (I mean, it was like 30 degree probably so not “warm” but better than a snowstorm, I guess). This meant that in addition to Pink Box buns, we were also able to hit up the neighboring Allegro Hearth Bakery for some plant-based sandwiches to go with our desserts!

Kofta melt. It was sooooo good.

One of the many bad things about Covid is that there’s been such an uptick of people strolling through the cemeteries. We used to hardly ever run into other people there, especially in winter, but there were motherfuckers sled-riding there that day, for Christ’s sake. I was so indignant and enraged about this but I mean…we were there to eat sandwiches and buns so….I guess we’re just as motherfucker-y as the sledding motherfuckers.

I mean, if you think just because your kid is 14, you can stop screaming basic common sense things at him like DON’T STEP ON THE ICY POND, DIP SHIT, you would be sadly mistaken. We seriously screamed it 3x each until Henry was like, “Fuck him then.” Parenting! We’re great at it!

Then I took this dumb picture of us MOMENTS BEFORE CHOOCH CHUCKED AN ICE-ENCRUSTED AT MY FUCKING EYEBALL AND RUINED THE WHOLE FAMILY BONDING EFFORT. In his defense, he was trying to hit Henry (which would have been fine, lol) but he missed and woooo boy did that sucker sting. I think it hurt even worse because it caught me so off guard and maybe I had a lot of pent up stress and tears in me and it unleashed a wave of emotion and possibly bi-polar enhanced histrionics which, looking back on it now, even I can admit was over the top and uncalled for.

First I was really pissed and then I just started sobbing uncontrollably to the point where Henry was like “um, there there” and cautiously put his arm around me which Chooch was like “….” and the dead people were like “Oooh, action!”

“WHY DOES EVERYONE HATE ME SO MUCH?!” I screeched, scaring off any bird that hadn’t been chased away by the vocal power of my initial outburst.

I was stalking back to the car, sensing that Henry and Chooch were mouthing shit to each other behind my back LIKE THEY ALWAYS DO, when I suddenly felt inspired to hit the dumb kid so I turned around and slapped his arm but only ended up hurting my hand in  the process and then we both started laughing and I screamed I HATE YOU while still laughing but also crying too and I noticed that there were two people who had been walking behind us for this whole shit show AND I DID NOT EVEN CARE.

Anyway, I was fine but I made sure to complain about my eye hurting all day even though it really didn’t.

And that’s the story about how sometimes you don’t need extended family to create drama on a holiday when you’re perfectly capable of stoking those flames yourself. The end. I’ll take a bow now.

New & Improved #SerialKiller Mini Valentine Set!

 Etsy Promo, holidays
Dec 312020
 

Hi hello what’s up hola *hello in ASL*.  I have been wanting for quite some time to give my original serial killer V-Day sets a refresher because let’s be real – I made those YEARS ago and my design style has graduated to, I dunno, 6th grade level Photoshop skill? I was especially unhappy with the backs – they were just sloppy, if we’re being honest. But I just kept putting it off, especially this year because while I’m very lucky to have a job that has seamlessly transitioned into work from home status during the pandemic, the last thing I want to do is finish my work day sitting at the computer and then…continue sitting at the computer.

But I really felt inspired and refreshed last weekend so I hunkered down on Saturday and got ‘er done, boys. Well, the first set, anyway. Maybe set #2 will happen this weekend??

I’m so much happier with the new backs!

I love these cards so much because they bring back fond memories of Valentine parties in elementary school, when we all got to fuck a shoebox with a glue stick and crepe paper and then run around stuffing Scooby Doo sentiments into everyone’s “mailbox” even if we didn’t like the person because THE TEACHER SAID. My favorite part was the candy and cupcakes though. I was a fat kid.

And then in fifth grade, I was the fat kid with a perm.

AND BRACES.

FML.

But I somehow still got Valentines so I didn’t hate the damn day.

Even now, as a grown as adult, I like passing out Valentines at work. I passed the serial killer ones out one year to mixed reviews. My one co-worker received an Albert Fish one and sent me an email that said, “OMG I just Wiki’d that guy. He was so terrible! Why would you give me that card?!”

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Surprisingly, no one reported me to HR.

Life is all about taking risks, you know?

This set includes 16 different designs! Can you even imagine? They do not come with envelopes though because they’re mini-cards. There are so many uses for them! One of my customers told me that she hid all of them around the house for her husband to randomly discover as he went about life. I thought that was so cute!

The backs include the names of each hellion in case your recipient isn’t as up to speed on their murder shows as you and me. So I guess you could even say that these are EDUCATIONAL TOO!

They could even be used as gift tags! Party favors! (REMEMBER PRE-PANDEMIC PARTIES??)

What are you waiting for?? Go grab a set!

I also have sets for vintage porn stars, cult leaders, Golden Girls, The Cure, and you can find several kpop sets in my KPOP SHOP as well!

Christmas 2020

 holidays
Dec 282020
 

I have honestly no complaints about this Christmas. It might have actually been one of the only ones where I didn’t cry or pout or smash glass, if we’re being real here. So here are some photos from our super cozy day at home!

When I woke up that morning, I had no expectations. Henry and I don’t always exchange gifts because we’re so focused on getting shit for our spoiled son who wasn’t supposed to get anything this year because we got him a brand new gaming computer in October and he was all, “THIS CAN BE MY EARLY XMAS GIFT, I WON’T EXPECT ANYTHING ON XMAS!” but of course I was like, “We have to get him some little things just so he has something to open on Christmas” because you know that’s the real meaning of Xmas, come on. And then that slowly morphed into DID WE GET HIM ENOUGH, MAYBE I SHOULD JUST GET HIM MORE THING” and then he ended up with a decent stack and do you know what that little shit said he liked the best?

These dumb stress bands I bought him because he said he wanted stress toys. They’re just these floppy rubber colorful strips that he can pull on and he has been walking around with no less than two of them in his hands at once, ever since Xmas, like he’s the Stress Cowboy.

So dumb.

But before any of that happened, we all came downstairs and I was prepared to get comfortable on the couch and watch Chooch tear through his gifts, except that I was met with a gigantic blanket-covered lump in the middle of the room, and Henry and Chooch were standing there staring at me expectantly, until I yelled, “IS THAT FOR ME?!” and it was!

You guys, I have four wheelchairs now!!!!

Henry said Chooch only knew about this for less than one full day because he can’t be trusted, but that he actually bought it awhile ago and it’s been in the garage ever since. Hot Naybor Chris helped him get it in there apparently and asked, “You guys going racin’ or something?” and I can totally picture him saying this which makes it even better!

And then Chooch made me a card inside which he wrote lots of sappy shit that he never ever ever would say out loud and I just kept saying, “I hate you” over and over while trying not to cry. This was the best Christmas I’ve had in a while!!

“I can’t believe he finally wrote on the correct side of the card,” I said to Henry later, of our genius son who is the biggest stoop when it comes to cards, letters, and envelopes.

“Oh, that was his third attempt,” Henry sighed.

The cats got a new tunnel for Henry to trip over and kick 87 times a day! (The amount of cat toys strewn about our house every day is actually really hilarious. I’m pretty sure they have more toys than Chooch ever did.)

Drew always has to be in the thick of things.

Chooch got an egg maker thingie and also an air fryer. He did not, however, get anything from wine.com. I just used the box to wrap something else! I FUCKING SWEAR!

Chooch loves Uniqlo, so I got him a coat which I think looks so nice on him but he’s just like, “I DON’T NEED COATS!” Because, you know, teenagers don’t get cold. Hoodies or GTFO.

And also this Keith Haring x Mickey Mouse sweatshirt. He loves Keith Haring! I hate how grown-up he looks here though.

Our joint gift to Henry was originally that he could eat and breathe all day without us complaining about how loud he was being but that turned out to be something that was just way out of our budget so we reneged after about an hour. (If you ask Henry, he’ll probably say we didn’t even last that long.)

Then it was time for dinner! Henry pre-ordered two Christmas dinner kits from our pals at Zenith and then made himself some gross meat-laden stew in his PRESSURE COOKER which he remembered he had on the night before Xmas Eve when we delivered cookies to Wendy and Shawn and crock pots somehow came up in conversation (I zoned out for most of that segment because it was too Adulting) and I guess that made him feel inspired to use it.

“Is that the thing we used to make the hot chocolate for the hot chocolate bar at our Xmas party last year?” I asked.

“No! That was a CROCK POT!” Henry cried because apparently he has tried to teach me the differences of these two kitchen gadgets in the past but I’m too obtuse to retain it.

Or care.

The best part of Zenith meals is the VEGAN BUDNT CAKE. This one was apple and I wanted to ride my new wheelchair to the nearest courthouse with the cake strapped to my lap.

You know, so we could be married.

The cake and me.

Henry was making lots of mouth-sounds with his stew, and I really think Chooch was about to pack up a hobo sack and hit the road.

Chooch’s face is perfect lol.

Actually getting along.

Afterward, we watched Die Hard (Chooch is going through this phase where he wants to watch “classics” which basically are just movies from the 80s so that doesn’t make me feel like a fucking old hag or anything) while Chooch attempted to make a gingerbread house and hurled the box across the room after 10 minutes, which is way longer than I would have lasted, so good for him.

Anyway, while watching Die Hard, I realized that I have never seen Die Hard. The end.

Christmas Eve 2020: It Was A Good Eve

 holidays
Dec 272020
 

Henry and I both had Christmas Eve off from work and it was really nice to just hang out and chill. Regardless of the pandemic, the holidays aren’t TOO stressful and busy for us because it’s usually just the three of us anyway. The last several years, we’ve gone to dinner with my mom and brothers but that’s usually just on a random night around Christmas. Obviously that didn’t happen this year!

Henry and I left Chooch at home and went to do some last minute Xmas shopping which wasn’t as terrible as I  thought it would be, though we did see a big fucking maskless douche-couple at Target. Which reminds me: the night before, we stopped by Wendy’s house to give her a tin of Chooch’s cookies and ended up having a really nice socially-distanced catch-up sesh outside of her house – it was the first time I’ve seen her (aside from WebEx video calls) since last March! (Actually, that’s not true – we waved to each other through my window last April when she dropped Sarris Candies off at my house.) Anyway! The reason I bring this up is because Shawn (her husband) was ranting about plumbers who came to their house and were free-lippin’ it and I was like “????” and then “…..” and then “!!!!!” because that’s the best term for it EVER. Fuck the free-lippers!

So yeah, aside from those two inconsiderate, selfish ‘MURRICA motherfuckers, we were able to grab the remaining things we needed with little to no conflict, and the lady who rang us at Target was amazingly In The Spirit and it was kind of nice.

I spent a good portion of the afternoon working on a work-related digital Xmas card and it turned out fine in the end but for some reason I was a maniac about it and Henry was like, “Please don’t burn down the house, I spent so much time painting the walls this year.” Once I got that finished and emailed, I felt like I could DO ANYTHING. Like liquid weight was just dripping off my shoulders. That’s the best feeling. It was like Xmas Vacation could officially start at that point!

I always wrap presents as they’re purchased since Chooch obviously knows they’re not coming from Santa. This is super fun for me because you can see Chooch going slowly insane for the weeks leading up to Xmas, as he tries desperately to figure out what’s inside each box. He guessed one of them correctly this time (he wanted stress toys and somehow knew exactly that’s what was inside one of the boxes and I was so stunned that he guessed that I stuttered which was a dead giveaway lol) but for the most part, it brings me great joy to watch him get curiosity twitches.

Anyway, my favorite part of this is thinking of who I can put on the “from” line. This year we had:

  • Taemin’s Eye Patch
  • Buddy (our fave squirrel)
  • Crushed Ibuprofen
  • Spoiled Almond Milk (he was in the middle of fighting with Henry about how the milk is always bad)
  • Kat from Paperbackdreams (our favorite Booktuber, and the present was cologne from a company called Imaginary Authors)
  • Library Security Guard P.S. Read a Fucking Book (the security guard at the library knows me by name and always chats with Chooch and me! He is so freaking nice!)
  • Larry’s Son who Shovels Diligently (Larry is Chooch’s nemesis who lives on our street and his teenaged son was out there shoveling immediately after a snowstorm while Chooch was lazing about watching TikToks)
  • Future Nephew (yes, Blake’s wife Haley is expecting their third child, and the gift was a stress ball, lol)
  • Raine’s Dad (of SIDEWALK DRAMA FAME)
  • Trump House Guy (this house up the street has all kinds of grotesque Trump flags and we hate the guy that lives there; the other day we were driving home from somewhere and Chooch and I pointed to a guy walking his dog and how we talked to him a few times and Henry was like “that’s the guy that lives in the Trump house” and I was like “is not” but he was like “is too” and OMG CHOOCH AND I WERE SO NICE TO HIM UNWITTINGLY!!!!)
  • The Real Christina Goosterjuice (Chooch has been calling our cat Drew Goosterjuice and I was like STOP CALLING HER THAT, THAT’S MY NAME and he was like NO I MADE IT UP and I was like NO YOU DID NOT and proceeded to tell him about how when I was in high school, there was this guy named Dave Osterhus in one of my classes and I can’t remember the exact context now but there were several us sitting at a desk or table and someone was making fun of his last name and then someone else was like “yeah, and his cousin Christina Goosterjuice” and I was VERY LIKELY the only person who laughed at this and EVEN MORE LIKELY the only person privy to that exchange WHO STILL THINKS OF THAT FICTIONAL NAME TO THIS DAY and even NAMED A PAINTING AFTER IT which is how I proved to Chooch that he clearly picked up on that name from me, by googling it and showing him that the only result is a post from OH HONESTLY ERIN called CHRISTINA GOOSTERJUICE.
  • The Mommy & Gracie Show (RIP) (this was the YouTube channel that started our obsession/tradition with watching birthday party videos on Thanksgiving but then GRACIE got older and decided that she didn’t want to be in MOMMY’S videos anymore and then MOMMY took them all down and now we can’t watch the infamous HASHTAG COOKIE PIZZA video anymore)
  • That kid’s Woobie (SEE BELOW, RE: MR. MOM)

Drew sat near this bag, knowing it was full of treats, and would casually gnaw at the handles whenever she thought no one was looking. Little jerk!

Later that night, we started to watch Christmas Vacation because apparently Chooch has never seen it but it was clear that he was NOT FEELING IT right from the get-go so then I remembered that recently I was talking about Mr. Mom and Chooch had never heard of it so I was like WE SHOULD JUST WATCH MR MOM and Henry was like “goddammit” because it took him forever to find somewhere to stream Christmas Vacation for free but it only took me 5 seconds to see that YouTube Movies had Mr. Mom available so that’s what we did and I was so ready to flip a table and possibly a chair or two if Chooch ended up not liking it because my love for that movie is deep and complicated (OK it’s not that complicated but I have loved it since I was a young child and thought Michael Keaton was amazing and Teri Garr was so pretty and I HATED ANN JILLIAN AND THEN SHE WAS ALSO IN MY FAVORITE ADAPTATION OF ALICE IN WONDERLAND AND IT WAS VERY CONFUSING FOR ME and I also cried a lot as a kid over the Woobie because I was super-attached to a stuffed animal named Purple WHO IS STILL MY BEST FRIEND AND I STILL CANNOT SLEEP WITHOUT HIM AND IF YOU THINK HE HASN’T BEEN TO SOUTH KOREA, THEN YOU ARE A FUCKING STOOP).

*deep pants*

*passes out*

Anyway, Chooch admitted that Mr. Mom was excellent and I knew he wasn’t lying because he was actually watching it and not fucking around on his phone and then I was like ARE YOU GOING TO TELL YOUR FRIENDS YOU JUST WATCHED A GREAT MOVIE WITH YOUR COOL AF PARENTS and he was like “let us not go that far, Mother.”

You know, it was just a really nice day which turned into a cozy night and I went to bed feeling content and relaxed.

Xmas 2020 In the House! (Literally…in the house.)

 holidays, Uncategorized
Dec 252020
 

Hey everybody, just wanted to pop on here and share our annual Christmas card and wish everyone a Merry Christmas or just a happy Friday, whichever works best for you! I went the slightly tacky route as a little parody of those Christmas letters tucked inside cards, you know the ones That Aunt always sent to everyone detailing the triumphs and travels of the family and it always made you feel inadequate and, you know, lesser than. There was a friend of the family, the mom of someone I went to school with, who sent shit like that in her card every year and we were always like GO TO HELL. I wonder what that letter would look like during Covid times…?

So this was our version – every single picture is us at home because quarantine. No vacations, no amusement parks, no concerts…but we still had fun together. And that’s alright.

We are spending the day as just a trio, plus two sleepy cats, which is how we would have done it regardless of Covid, but I hope those of you out there accustomed to big family get-togethers have found alternate ways to be happy and safe today!

It’s currently 3:30 and none of us have fought yet so I’m gonna go ahead and say we’re on track for Xmas 2020 to go down in the books as “one of the better ones,” even though snow and poor road conditions are keeping us home from our traditional cemetery “picnic.” We’re doing it tomorrow instead and that’s fine by me because it will be a whole ass 10 degrees warmer then!

Anyway, I’m going to go back to the book I’m reading while Chooch tests out all the kitchen appliances Santa drop-kicked down the chimney, and Henry works on…whatever he has left to work on.

I’ll be back later with a more detailed recap of Xmas and Xmas Eve – stay warm and cozy, you people!

another commercial because I have more serial killer christmas cards for you to consider.

 Etsy Promo, holidays
Dec 082020
 

Hola, hey-o, hi-hi. Just popping in because I made one additional new Christmas card for the 2020 season (peep the other new ones here) and I figured I would share it with some of the ones that were new from last season. Just in case, you guys. You never know. Maybe one of you guys will suddenly realize that your friends and family desperately deserve Christmas wishes delivered by Ed Kemper.

  1. Heaven’s Gate 

Gotta buy your own purple shroud though.

Have you watched the Heaven’s Gate documentary yet on HBO? I don’t think I have HBO anymore which is a bummer so I have not watched it but I keep seeing shit about it everywhere which made me think about how I have Heaven’s Gate birthday cards and Valentines, but NO CHRISTMAS CARDS. Wow. I am truly the worst.

Anyway, if you don’t know anything about this cult, I’m sure this card is making you think “huh” (I mean, assuming you haven’t x’d out of this junk pile of a web diary yet), I highly recommend googling that shit because it’s pretty wild. You know, as most cults are.

2.Serial Carolers

The ultimate holiday card for your fellow murderinos! This vintage-esque design features Ed Kemper, Jeffrey Dahmer, Ted Bundy, Aileen Wuornos, and Dennis Rader (BTK) all bundled up and crooning some Christmas cheer. Well, except BTK – he’s the token surly non-singer.

One time in middle school, Laura Long had a Christmas party and made us all go caroling and I just stood in the back half-assedly mouthing the words. Caroling is for suckers. I get it, BTK.

This card is blank inside so you can fill it with lyrics to NKOTB’s “Funky, Funky Christmas” or whatever. I feel like Aileen might have had that cassingle. Lol, OK maybe not.

This currently my favorite card that I’ve ever made.

3. Ed Kemper Naughty List 

What a festive card! Who doesn’t love thinking about decapitated coeds when opening up Christmas cards?

Comes with an envelope. Be careful what you put inside though if you’re sending this to a prison pen pal. Not that I have any experience with penitentiary mail getting rejected.

4. Don’t Kiss Henry Lee’s Mommy

Nothing spreads Christmas cheer quite like the hint of matricide! Henry Lee Lucas should have used this as his motive for murdering his mom because it sounds way better than “She hit me on the head with a broom.”

Perfect for any true crime enthusiast in your life! Or your mother-in-law!

5. Robert Hansen the Worst Alaskan

I mean, who hasn’t used the “Oh shit, I forgot to dig up your present out of the woods of Alaska” to buy themselves some more time? I just used this excuse last month when I met up with a friend and totally forgot that her birthday had just passed and she was like, “Mmmhmmm” but look – maybe she doesn’t know my life as well as she thinks she does OK!?

Anyway, let the creep-o mug of Robert Hanson, the Butcher Baker of Anchorage, really drive this sentiment home. What a charming Christmas card! I’m sure it will be displayed front and center on the fireplace mantle.

Comes with an envelope. You could actually bury their gift and turn it into a real life scavenger hunt. Tuck in a map and some clues!

Fun fact about me: I am terrified of Alaska so this asshole might actually be the scariest serial killer in my opinion.

6. Son of Sam’s Xmas Jam

This is one of my original cards going back to the beginning of non compos cards, but I revamped the design for this year. Trufax: when I started making these cards 10 years ago, I barely knew how to use Photoshop. Truthfully, I’m still not much more than a novice, but I have gotten A LITTLE better over the years and I’m trying to polish up some of the most turd-iest designs in the shop.

This card was inspired by my desire to sign people’s yearbooks with the line “In their blood and from the gutter,” a sentiment straight from one of David Berkowitz’s letters to the popo. But people in high school already knew I was a weirdo and my luck, I’d have gotten called to the social worker’s office (again).

But now I’ve managed to incorporate it in a holiday card, and that’s pretty freakin’ redeeming.

Let Son of Sam, one of America’s most notorious killers, spread yuletime cheer to your loved ones; watch in amazement as their faces become awash with smiles that say, “Oh, you shouldn’t have!”

But you have!

Envelope included!

Ho Ho Ho and all that shit.

7. Ian Brady & Myra Hindley, Santa’s Elves

Hey man, what’s synonymous with Santa and his elves? If you said Ian Brady and Myra Hindley, then BOY have I got a Christmas card for you!

Fun fact about these two brutes: anytime I post their cards on Instagram, I get reported for violence.

**********

As always, I’m happy to fulfill any custom requests, so if you have a favorite (?) serial killer that you would like to see a Christmas card themed around, hit me up! And check out the rest of the shop for birthday cards, Valentines, Golden Girls stuff—it’s a real shit show over at non compos.

And because I feel it necessary to leave a disclaimer every now and then: I do not condone murder or suicide pacts. I do not engage in “idol worship” of serial killers. I think they’re the scourge of society and the reason I started making these cards was because I do have an interest in true crime & the psychology of it, and it started as a “tongue-in-cheek” fuck you to the mainstream greeting card industry. I joined a Christmas card exchange thingie one year over on LiveJournal and I wanted to send something that I made myself, something that would make people groan. And 13 years later, I’m still going at it! (Henry’s sitting next to me bitching about how, “…and I still don’t have health insurance and my boss treats me like shit and I have to buy supplies out of my own pocket…” WOW. Sounds like someone is getting ready to picket.)

non compos cards Serial Killer Xmas Cards: NEW DESIGNS OMG

 Etsy Promo, holidays
Dec 052020
 

Well, lest anyone forget that my side gig is greeting card slinger, I am here to shill my latest wares. New for the 2020 holiday season, I present to you four new cards waiting for the gong to be struck.

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

PEERING RAMIREZ

First up, we have here a new Richard Ramirez design, in case the other ones in the shop weren’t tickling your pickles.

The inside says “so lock your door for christ’s sake.”

Nothing says “merry xmas I love you” better than some cautionary advice.

Fun fact about me: I used to leave my door unlocked all the time like it never occurred to me that it could be dangerous to do so while living in a city. One time, I was getting ready for bed and someone actually came into my house and put beer in my fridge. Then they started to come up the stairs, calling out my neighbor’s name. I was like, “Uh, wrong house” and they promptly retrieved their beer and left.

Somehow I feel like saying “wrong house” to the Night Stalker wouldn’t have worked but DID ANYONE TRY I wonder?

Anyway, I started dating my card-making partner (a/k/a Henry for those in the know) shortly after that and when he found out that I wasn’t locking my door, he was like, “Yeah, that ends now.” Whatta guy.

This card comes with an envelope. Maybe put one of those security system stickers inside it, too.

JIM JONES’ XMAS PUNCH

Next up, for those cult followers, might you be interested in this Jim Jones cheer-o-gram?

Who needs Jim’s punch when just ATTENDING a holiday party in 2020 could kill you.

This punchy Xmas card comes with an envelope. Maybe tuck in the recipe to your favorite festive refreshment like they probably did in olden days. I recommend finding one that requires a Jello mold and maraschino cherries.

The inside just says Cheers. I opted to steer clear of any COVID-themed messages on cards this year because I’m hoping that the 2020 holiday season is the only time they’ll be relevant.

Anyway, my friend Rocky messaged me last night and asked me if I have any Jimmy Jam Jones Christmas cards and I realized at that moment that I only had a birthday card and Valentine! WTF, Erin. What kind of card shop are running here?!

And that’s how I wound up sitting in front of Photoshop until midnight instead of watching The Crown, but that’s OK! I haven’t been feeling very productive or creative lately so this past week has given me hope that the Dad Joke/Sick Fuck side of my brain hasn’t atrophied. But then I start thinking about how I really need to redesign my mini Valentines and I’m suddenly not feeling so energetic anymore.

DECK THE HALLS

My kid gave me the “wow, that’s a stretch” grimace when he looked at this card, but COME ON most of those retro holiday card messages were questionable too! Anyway, this fresh holiday greet features the festive mugs of Ed Kemper, Aileen Wuornos, Ted Bundy, Ed Gein, and David Berkowitz. Will it inspire the recipient to slip into some latex gloves and a ski mask? YOU WON’T KNOW UNLESS YOU PURCHASE THE CARD.

It comes with an envelope that could double as a hat if they’re looking for additional layers of disguise.

I was just really stoked to use that retro background, man.

GEINDEER

Better think twice before investigating that CLICK CLICK CLICK you hear on your roof, is all I’m saying.

Come with an envelope made of paper and not stretched skin, which is probably what Ed Gein mailed his Christmas cards in.

I couldn’t resist making this dumb card, even though Henry was like, “OK, ha. Ha…” Look, it took me a long time make this and I still have a headache from staring at the computer screen and that stupid “Up On the Housetop” song got stuck in my head and I got really agitated because I spent my whole life thinking it was “Up on the Rooftop” until my kid was in kindergarten and had to sing that for the holiday assembly and I was like WHAAAT THEY’RE GETTING THE WORDS ALL FUCKED UP” and then everyone on Facebook was like, “No. You are wrong and everyone else is right” and I felt so attacked because I’m one of those people who rarely gets corrected because most people in my inner circle are too afraid to call me out when I’m wrong so when it actually happens (I mean, it’s rare, because I’m pretty fucking perfect), I will dwell on it for days (lol, years) and then Google things like HOW DO WITCHES HURT PEOPLE and TOOLS FOR CUTTING THE BRAKE CABLE and also WHERE IS THE BRAKE CABLE.

Yeah, so! The inside of this card is blank. You can write anything you want inside, like your own lyrics to that dumb carol, for example.

Well, that’s it for me at this time. Maybe I’ll churn out some more before it becomes too close to Xmas, we’ll see! In the meantime, enjoy the four new ones and check out the whole Xmas collection at the shop!

Xmas spirit, etc

 holidays, Home Projects
Dec 022020
 

I figured this past weekend would be a good time to Christmas-fy Trudy which was actually making  me feel exhausted and underwhelmed just by thinking about it. But then I scored a church pew through Craigslist, which my little bitchboy Hank went to pick up Saturday morning and suddenly I was fully energized by the prospect of doing a full refresh on this corner of the house!

We’ve had a big, overstuffed chaise lounge in that corner since…well, almost since as long as I’ve lived here. I remember this vividly because my mom bought it for me when I was working at the dumb meat place, before I met Henry, so this must have been around 2000, and I needed someone to be at my house when the guys delivered it so I asked THAT BITCH KERI who keeps coming up in my memories for some reason and hopefully not because she’s about to penetrate my life in some way, ugh. Anyway, Keri literally lived down the street in the same fucking neighborhood as me and didn’t work during the day so I was like “can you come and stay at my house on this afternoon etc” and she was like “NO SORRY I AM TIRED.” Or “SORRY I WILL BE WATCHING MOVIES” because that was her excuse for everything unless she had a headache which was her ultimate NO CAN DO card.

(EDIT: Janna just alerted me to the fact that she came to my house and waited for the chair to be delivered since dumb Keri wouldn’t! I can’t believe I forgot about that! Actually, I can because I am officially an old broad with a walnut brain.)

All of that is to say the same damn chair has been in that corner of the room for 20 years and no one even sits on it really unless I have people over and it just takes up so much damn room. So we moved it onto the back porch where it fits perfectly and will be my new reading chair since now it doesn’t butt up against a shared wall which was one of the reasons I quit sitting in it – the series of loud ass neighbors we’ve had.

I’m gonna get a small coffee table for that corner too at some point DON’T RUSH ME OK.

My co-workers started an email thread about this picture and Henry was like, “thx erin.” Lol. Amber said it looks like quarantine has softened him but Glenn was like MORE LIKE HE’S BROKEN FROM YEARS OF BEING BEAT DOWN.

Henry agreed with Glenn.

Every little change is such a big deal for these girls.

Truth be told, it doesn’t take that long to decorate Trudy anymore. We just leave the lights on her all the time now and have adopted a “less is more” attitude with it. And especially now that she has a co-tree in Taemin, we don’t want her to overshine him too much, you know?

Christmas isn’t my favorite holiday but I love the way the house makes me feel when it’s (extra) lighted. The power of a couple strands of twinkle lights really goes a long way, and I don’t know about you, but having this kind of romantic mood lighting up in here helps me combat the sads. Come at me, seasonal depression!

Even Trudy understands the science behind wearing a mask.

YEAH HE HAS.

I definitely put out less decorations this year since we won’t be having any parties, but it still makes me feel peaceful.

Drew’s always gotta be in pictures. She knows.

It’s hard to believe that this is Trudy’s fifth (sixth??) Christmas with us already. We don’t have many “traditional” traditions but Trudy just feels so regular and normal. And if we’re being honest, she’s pretty low maintenance. We don’t have to chop her down, nor we have to lug her out of the attic and put her together. She’s just…always around. LIKE PART OF THE FAMILY. Love that babe.

(Fun fact: we actually tried to find her a boyfriend a few mths ago when JC Penney had a WE’RE CLOSING, PLEASE BUY IT ALL sale but we got there too late and there were no mannequins left. Is there a Tinder for mannequins?)

A Quaint Thanksgiving 2020

 Covid Diaries, holidays
Nov 302020
 

Even though it’s just the three of us here in our cozy covid pod, I didn’t want to just say ‘fuck it’ and like, order pizza or something, which is definitely something we have done on other holidays since we don’t really have anything else to do, family to visit, etc. So I suggested that we make a little spread of international delights, akin to what I had planned for 4th of July before we decided to tear up the kitchen instead.

(“Yeah but can’t we still do it anyway?” I asked Henry and he was like WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO COOK?? Oh…yeah. Lol.)

Here is the menu I painstakingly constructed only to have Henry prove at 11pm on Thanksgiving Eve that he only barely read it by answering, “Um…..” 4 out of 5 times to my questions of, “Did you get the ingredients for this?” He’s such a holidayfucker, I swear to god. Spoiler: IT TURNED OUT FINE! He was able to get the rest of what he needed at the Mexican grocery store down the street the next day.

  • fufu and peanut soup (West African)
  • Mamaliga (Romania)
  • baked apple sauce (Dutch)
  • Smolensk porridge (Russia)
  • Street corn salad (Mexico)
  • Sweet potato rolls (Portugal)
  • Mashed potatoes (good ol’ Merica, made by Chooch)
  • Vegan ham
  • Bibingka (Philippines)
  • Cherry pie (another American contribution by vanilla Chooch)

Pre-dinner, Chooch off-handedly mentioned that he wanted to try peppermint Schnappes after seeing Lily guzzle it on Dash + Lily so I was like OH WHAT THE HELL IT’S A HOLIDAY and let him have a sip.

Chooch’s cherry pie was the first thing that was done that day and proceeded to tempt us with its cloying aroma

I made bibingka all by myself! I lied! It was a box mix and Chooch had to help me because the directions were totally confusing. I was crying. But hot damn, this coconut milk cake was delicious. I learned about it from the book The Farm, which I did not like but at least it taught me about some delicious Filipino foods.

My apple sauce required the addition of speculaaskruiden which is a speculoos-y spice, I guess. Of course it was impossible to find but then I found a recipe with how to make it and it seemed easy until I sent it to Henry and he was like CARDAMOM PODS ARE $10, GRRRRR but he bought them and spent Wednesday night roasting, shelling, and grinding them lolololol. The next day, I was like, “WHEN DO I GET TO DO SOMETHING” and he was all, “Here, make your damn apple shit” and swept his arm toward a pile of apples and I was like, “OK, so do I just shove them in the oven?”

“No. You have to peel and cut them first.”

OH HAHAHA HELL NO. I was looking for something a bit less laborious, buddy. So he sent me away and then let me come back hours later after they had been baked and were ready for some mashing. I am good at mashing.

I did hurt my wrist though.

FAKE HAM. This was just from the store. Probably Whole Foods.

MY RUSSIAN PORRIDGE SHIT! It was really weird – fresh cranberry sauce (I MADE IT…wait, did I? No, I was supposed to I think but then Henry ended up doing it because I lost interest) poured over rice. This was our….amuse bouche? Maybe. Chooch HATED IT. I thought it was quite interesting and also good (a lot of people might think interesting means bad but NOT IN THIS CASE) and Henry was immediately coming up with ways to make it better, OK Boris.

Nope, not a fan.

Then we had our fufu course and you guys, I cannot stress enough HOW.GOOD.FUFU.IS. This is another food I learned about from a book and Henry first made it last spring at my request. The fufu is that yellow hunk floating in the soup, and it’s made from plantain and yucca (actually, there are variations of this depending on what region you’re looking at). Literally just those two things and water. It turns into a sticky dough that you then use an edible utensil for soup-spooning.

It is so insanely good with peanut soup. Holy shit, I think I want this to be our new Thanksgiving dinner tradition.

Romanian mamaliga is essentially polenta (Henry was like, “That’s exactly what it is, so…”) topped with a dollop of sour cream, and as a fan of polenta in general, I was not mad at all about this addition to our holiday menu.

This was another thing that Chooch DID NOT LIKE.

Our first time using the buffet!!

OH SHOOOOOT, these sweet potato rolls were bangin’. They were so dense and rich! I toasted one the next morning for breakfast and it was like a fucking gourmet English muffin. Henry added the recipe to his KEEPER pile.

Would I have liked to have invited my mom and Henry’s mom over for dinner? Absolutely. But it’s not worth risking their health (or worse: lives) just because we wanted it to feel “more like a holiday.” Maybe next year things will be safer and we can go all out, but for this year I was…thankful (ugh) to just share a nice dinner with these two goofs.

This is Chooch’s “I CAN HEAR YOU CHEWING” face.

Oh shit, and don’t forget the Korea representation!! Soju in the house! Wish we had makgeolli too but we would have had to travel to obtain that milky nectar of the motherland.

We had some vegan Sugar Spell pints too and that purple sweet potato casserole is a contender for my favorite flavor of theirs.

A little bit of e’er’thang.

My poor stomach felt like Stretch Armstrong after that smorgasbord.

To cap off the night, Chooch and I did the dishes and then indulged in our annual T-giving tradition of mocking birthday party videos on YouTube. I think we all got along all day, too?? COULD THIS BE TRUE?!!

A Happy Lockdown Thanksgiving From Us to You!

 Covid Diaries, holidays
Nov 262020
 

It’s 9:00PM already on Thanksgiving (2020 is on goddamn warped speed) and I am so tired and content. This was quite possibly the nicest T-giving my little fam-trio has had, because the pandemic brought with it LOW EXPECTATIONS. I will pop back on here sometime this weekend to give a proper recap but I wanted to use this day to say thanks to those of you guys who read this, whether we know each other in real life, became friends via the Internet, or maybe you’re a friendly stranger who occasionally reads but doesn’t comment: I’m thankful for you guys! I enjoy writing about the daily minutiae of my life and that anyone cares to read it really means so much to me. I don’t say thanks enough!

I also wanted to take some dumb family pictures to immortalize this Thanksgiving, which was blessedly sans arguing (mostly) and we all pitched in (mostly) and everything turned out wonderfully (100%)!

Henry and Chooch changed clothes IMMEDIATELY after this, so in the next post you’ll see them chowing down on Thanksgiving fare in their super-casual attire.

If Henry looks exhausted/harried, it’s because he was in the middle of cooking and I made him throw on a flannel and sit for an entire 5 minutes while we pretended to be at Olan Mills.

Anyway, I hope my fellow Americans found a way to maintain some traditions while not breaking any pandemic laws. Trust me, I’m not thrilled about how things are playing out either because our new-ish tradition has been to spend a quiet Thanksgiving at home and then go to an amusement for the weekend, and you better believe I was super bummed when summer came and went and an end to covid was still not in sight. I pretty much made peace with the fact months ago that we’d just be staying put for Thanksgiving weekend, and it’s ok. Life goes on (it might not though if you don’t follow covid safety measures!!).

And now I’m going to go and roll myself out of these jeans and into sweatpants, and maybe scroll through Instagram to check out all the pies my friends made. That’s my favorite part of Thanksgiving! ALL OF THE PIE. Speaking of, Chooch made a delightful one and I will talk about that in my Thanksgiving recap.

Byeeeeeeeeeee.

Covidween, aka Halloween 2020

 chooch, Covid Diaries, holidays
Nov 022020
 

Welp, to use the most annoying phrase of all time this side of “what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”:

IT IS WHAT IT IS.

Luckily, we’ve had, what, 7 months to get used to dashed plans and all the dusty nooks and crannies of our homes, so it wasn’t like Halloween was THE MOST DEPRESSING day of the year. And ironically, it managed to be one of the only Halloweens in recent years where I didn’t flip out over last minute costume malfunctions or the general concept of things not going my way.

God forbid.

I mean it was annoying when, for the second year in a row, Henry’s son took the kids trick or treating in some uppity suburban utopia which is whatever, but they live RIGHT NEXT DOOR TO US and couldn’t be troubled to bring the kids over for a second so we could at least see what they were dressed as. No, we instead had to find out the next day via Instagram. How fucking precious.

Oh well, they’re not even my actual grandkids so what do I care. It’s just outrageous how self-centered and oblivious that generation is. The one after the millennials. What are we calling that shit? Generation Z. Thanks, Google. Actually, looking at the dates, those two are actually the combined forces of Millennials AND Generation Z! No wonder why they have literally no life etiquette or courtesy. Or, as we call it in Korean, noonchi. 

It’s the 눈치 없다 generation.

I think Chooch was actually more upset about this than me, and Henry just shrugged it off entirely because Blake is just like him so he doesn’t really have the room to complain.

But whatever, on to better things.

Like Chooch’s costume!

We knew he most likely wasn’t going trick-or-treating this year (you know, being a big bad ninth grader and all), but it didn’t feel right not making a costume. I mean, nearly right up until the end I had begun to accept that my career as Halloween pageant mom really, truly was over.

“But Erin, you say that every year, etc etc.”

No, for real this time!

But then the damn VP debate happened and the fly nested in Pence’s helmet hair for a hilariously long amount of time, and the Internet went nuts over it, and I started screaming CHOOCH, WE HAVE A COSTUME!

We bought him a gaming computer a few weeks ago so he is pretty much at our mercy, at least for the next couple of months. So he was like, “Yes, ma’am that surely seems like a great costume idea and I will happily wear it.”

It also ended being one of the cheapest costumes we’ve made, as well! Those glasses were $5, the ski mask was from Henry’s work, the wings are made from wire hangers and wax paper, Pence’s face is made from cardboard we already had, and a few sheets of foam paper that came to like, $5. Oh, and the pipe cleaners were about $3, if even that. And Henry probably used a Michaels coupon because he is a seasoned craft store shopper.

Man, we just couldn’t help ourselves.

And yes, I made sure to give Pence pink eyes since his eyeballs were basically bleeding during that debate. What a gross man.

Most of the day, aside from costuming, was spent working on projects around the house and before we knew it, it was time for trick-or-treating to start. It wasn’t canceled or anything in our area, but we wanted to make sure it was safe on the off-chance anyone actually came to our house  (we live on a busy street so most of the kids tend to stay on the inner streets). I set up a bowl of candy on one of our wheelchairs and nestled a bottle of hand sanitizer next to it. We hid our Echo under a porch chair and had haunted house music playing all night which upset our cats bigly.

Last year, we only got one kid. This year, during a fucking pandemic, we got 4 groups! Plus the pizza delivery guy who I called back to the porch and forced to take some candy, lol.

Then we ate pizza and just chilled without having any arguments! It was actually a really nice, cozy Halloween in spite of the state of the world. Here’s hoping Trump gets voted the fuck out and we can get legit adults in the White House who will focus on working with the rest of the world to find a way to kill covid. Props to everyone who celebrated Halloween responsibly!

rainy halloween vacation

 Covid Diaries, holidays, Home Projects
Oct 302020
 

Today is my last day of my annual Halloween Vacation and honestly, it doesn’t even matter because it’s not like I’m returning home from anywhere cool or having to actually go back to the office on Monday. It’s just been more of the same, but without sitting in front of the computer for 8 hours a day. I was going to post a Friday Five, but I don’t know that I can scrounge up an entire FIVE THINGS to drone on about, that is how motherfucking this week has been. Let me summarize it for you quickly.

I have:

  • read a bunch of books;
  • gone on A LOT of walks;
  • sort of helped Henry with a gallery wall;
  • carefully placed objects on some shelves that Henry made from neon acrylic;
  • shoved a spoon in some spooky scoops whenever the fuck I wanted;
  • said, “wow it’s raining again” about 4589 times.

Guys, seriously, I don’t think I have done anything else. I haven’t even watched a full horror movie, just had some classics on in the background while I stared wistfully at the wall and begged the cats for attention. I really DO NOT do the whole “staycation” well at all.

Here are some pictures of the shelves tho:

This shelf is on the “popsicle wall” and displays some things collected from my travels. And no, that’s not a weener, lol. It’s the top from some traditional medicinal liquor we bought in Korea. The camel and Coke bottle are both from Morocco; the vegemite and honey are from Australia, that weird broken vase thing is from Pompeii. The pictures are Chooch with two BIGBANG dads (Seungri’s and G-Dragon’s!). The little hanok is also from Korea.

And then this one is in the kitchen:

   

I like how it looks like it’s glowing. Anyway, Henry made these shelves from sheets of acrylic but it seemed like it was a pain so probably next time we will just buy ones already made and pay the exorbitant shipping from the UK, lol. (Although Henry has already been reading up on how to polish acrylic and apparently he needs a blowtorch and he seems pretty excited to try that out, so who knows.)

Oh I know! I also worked on Chooch’s Halloween costume but that didn’t take long at all. He’s not going trick-or-treating but I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to make a certain costume and he half-heartedly agreed to go along with it so THERE, I WIN ANOTHER HALLOWEEN BATTLE, BOO YEAH.

Oh I knowx2! On Monday, I took a picture of myself to submit to the office because, since this year is my 10th anniversary, I have the opportunity to update my employee picture, which is hilarious because I tried to be proactive about this last fall, knowing that they circulate a giant poster of all the people having anniversaries (in 5-year increments) and I DID NOT want my current picture to be used because I look hideous and unrecognizable.  So Margie arranged for several of us in the department to have our picture retaken by some broad and it was incredibly awkward because I had to stand in her small office while she took my picture with her phone and I didn’t like a single one of the pictures but just said, “Sure, that one is fine” and that it didn’t matter anyway because she never had it put on our Firm’s directory even after I emailed her twice to remind her, and then the pandemic happened and I was like, “is it petty to still be upset about this or nah?” Finally last week I was like, “OK, enough time has passed and everyone is back to complaining about dumb shit again and losing perspective so I am going to email her again,” but then I forgot and a few days later, SHE EMAILED THE GROUP OF US WHO HAVE ANNIVERSARIES, giving us the option to submit our own picture to her!!!

Of course, I couldn’t pass up  the opportunity to be passive-aggressive and petty, so I emailed her and said, “Hi you took an updated picture of me last year but it was never put on Compass, can I just send you a new one?” LOL at my cry-babyness forever.

Henry was off (much to his chagrin since I did nothing but yell at him all day) on Monday so he had to help fashion a backdrop since we have no white walls left in the house thanks to Covid-redecorating. It was a mess and I yelled a lot, but I finally got a picture and then was annoyed because there’s a strand of hair in my eye but it’s the best one I took otherwise and I figured it will be so small anyway that no one will see, except for you – now it’s all you will be able to see!

Ugh she better fucking replace this old one!! I will never forget the day it was taken. I was a temp for the first 5 or so months I worked there so I only had a temp badge with a yellow circle in lieu of a photo which was fine by me. Then I was hired by the firm and one random day I came in to an email that was like, “Hello please come up and have your picture taken” and I was like, “TODAY?!!?” because, not that I was ever super put-together, but I remember being exceptionally harried and a general mess that day. Also, the lady who took my picture was the same one who took it last year and I remember she was asleep at her desk and I had to gently wake her up. Now she has her own office to take get some private napping in.

Wow, I guess I had more to ramble on about that I imagined.

Now I’m just waiting for Chooch to finish geometry so we can go for a walk to a cafe in Mt. Lebanon and get some of that hot bev bev.

I literally don’t know why I said that. I have never once called hot beverage that in my life. Sometimes I think I lose consciousness while I’m writing on here and the virtual spirit of Mona-Lisa Saperstein takes over.

I will leave you with two MVs that I am sincerely feeling deep into my bones today:

Obsessed with the eye imagery in this!

Janna’s ult bias is back with another banger!

Flaming 2020

 chooch, Covid Diaries, holidays
Oct 282020
 

Sometime early Monday evening, my work friend Lauren texted me and asked if I would be willing to submit one of Chooch’s carved pumpkins because our department was having a pumpkin carving contest, but only like 5 people submitted one.

I mean, I’m not shocked. Four years ago, Carrie and I were in charge of organizing a Halloween party for the department and barely anyone participated, and this was waaaaay before the pandemic! I think there were 5 of us who dressed up. It was just super depressing. We just don’t work with very festive people, I guess. This is why I didn’t even bother to put  my name in the hat for the new party committee that was assembled at the beginning of the year, because I get so angry when the efforts are unappreciated!

Anyway, I didn’t pay much attention to the emails that went out about this last week because I knew I wouldn’t “be there,” since I’m off the whole week before Halloween and didn’t think I would be eligible because I’m sorry – I love my co-workers but I am not logging on to a WebEx on a day off!

Sadly, all of the pumpkins Chooch carved are half-rotted because of the hot weather we had been having last week, so I was like, “Ew, I’m sorry but I can’t submit a picture of any of those in good conscience” but we were actually already out when she texted me so I asked Chooch, “If we stop and get a new pumpkin on the way home, will you carve it?”

Chooch made some mumbling sounds that, when strung together and played in reverse while standing in a graveyard at midnight, loosely translated into, “Go fuck yourself.”

“There’s a cash prize, I think,” I added with a shrug and he was suddenly like, “Sure mother, this sounds like a swell idea; Father, please purchase the pumpkin at your earliest convenience.”

Now, I was only doing this to be a team player, and I have a hard time saying no to people. So I told Chooch it didn’t have to be anything magnificent which quickly turned into, “OOOH WILL YOU DO A G-DRAGON ONE!?” and he was like, “Wha—no!!!” So then I thought out oud, “You know what would be quick and simple? You could just do a 2020 and then set it on fire. Bam. Done.”

He liked the idea because it was easy, so that is why there was the stench of burning pumpkin cocooning our house Monday night and I’m here to tell you that it was a far cry from Yankee Candle. Yikes.

I got the picture submitted to Lauren that night and it was eligible for voting the next day. I didn’t think too much about it and then Chooch was like, “What’s going on with that pumpkin competition? Did I win, or…?” and I was like, “Oh shit, I didn’t think we were actually in it to win it” which is how you know 2020 has taken a toll on this tried and true Leo, because when have I ever entered a contest without the expectation of winning?!

“Did anyone vote for me?” he asked, and I was like, “I dunno, and I’m not logging on to find out. I’m on vacation!” But then on Instagram, my friend Colleen commented on the pumpkin and said that she voted for it so for a second I felt mildly inspired, enough to text Todd and say, “TODD.”

And then nothing else for a full minute because people love that about me.

“Vote for Chooch’s pumpkin.”

So he did, because hello, people do as I say around those parts.

Then I went back to not caring, aka “enjoying my time off” until later on in the evening when I saw that my friend Megan had texted to say that she and Chooch tied for first place! I actually found out about an hour after Chooch and I had a full-blown screaming match IN PUBLIC on our walk to Dunkin’ Donuts for beverage after dinner, when he tried to take credit for it and I was like, “Yeah, I mean, you carved it but it was my idea” and he was like, “No it was my idea, you just said to make one that said 2020 and I said yeah and we can set it on fire.”

UM – NEGATIVE. Why would I suggest to just carve 2020!? The whole point from the very genesis of the idea was to set it on fire! And if you know me at all, you know that I CANNOT STAND WHEN SOMEONE TAKES CREDIT FOR MY IDEAS EVEN IF THAT SOMEONE IS MY OWN SON, I WILL NOT HAVE IT. So we were actually yelling at each other next to a gas station on a busy street and you know what, I didn’t even care who was watching HONESTLY!! I even turned around and stalked off at one point but then I remembered that I wanted fucking coffee so I came back.

“You’re a typical Leo,” Chooch muttered when we were on our way back with our coffee. “You make everything about you!”

“And you’re a typical Taurus!” I slapped back. “FUCKING STUBBORN! ALSO, YES I MADE THAT ABOUT MYSELF BECAUSE IT WAS MY IDEA AND YOU WERE TAKING CREDIT AND I’M NOT GOING TO STAND THERE AND LET THAT HAPPEN!”

Can you guys see now why I never chose a creative route as a profession? I literally CANNOT work with others when it comes to ideas and creations and whatever.

It was so bad that I even called Henry and asked him to solve it for us since he was in the car when the whole thing was born, and he literally said HE DIDN’T KNOW because he is FUCKING SCARED OF US BOTH.

WOW THIS BLOG POST WAS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THIS ANGRY YET HERE WE ARE.

Anyway, then I found out that the pumpkin tied for first place and Chooch and I bonded over the fact that OUR JOINT EFFORTS paid off.

I mean it’s just like how I design the serial killer cards and Henry makes them, you know? I come up with ideas and then these fools execute them. The only difference is that Henry doesn’t mouth off like Chooch does.

A Halloween Party From 1992

 holidays, nostalgia
Oct 112020
 

In today’s edition of Completely Uninspired Pre-Election Depression Blog Posts, I give you pictures from a Halloween party I had when I was in 8th grade in 1992, because I recently found these pictures and figured that looking at these and marinading in the memories might be the closest I get to embracing the Halloween spirit this year, biggest le sigh of all le sighs. 

My mom was super into Halloween and she’d always be like WHY DON’T YOU HAVE A HALLOWEEN PARTY and I think it was mostly because she just wanted to decorate and ghost-host it rather than have her own Halloween party and have to deal with my dad’s friends.

#speculation

According to my photo album, this was in 1992 and it was my third Halloween party. Now, my memories have been pretty muddled lately what with every day being the same but if I were pressed to provide more information, I would feel compelled to say that this was also the same party where my dad led us on a haunted walk in the woods* and unbeknownst to everyone but me, my uncle Mark was dressed as Freddy Kreuger and hiding in a tree, and when he jumped out in front of us, Amy L. got so startled that she fell backward on her ass and everyone was like HAHAHA, reveling in the Halloweenity of it all, having a spooky ol’ good time, etc etc, but then AMY L went to school and tried to get people to be mad at me about it, because EIGHTH GRADE. 

(See also: Amy L was the Ultimate Purveyor of Teen Drama and if social media had been around back then, she would have cyber-bullied half of us to psychological breakdowns or worse.)

*(My childhood home is surrounded on three sides by  many acres of forest, something that TRUMP might consider a FOREST NATION, and for a long ass while we contemplated having a legit haunted trail open to the public but then, you know, insurance etc etc)

I don’t know what I’m doing in this picture, but I remember my mom being so disappointed when I was like, “I don’t really care, this one I guess” when it came to choosing a costume, because she always liked to make my costumes, and it was so annoying because I never got to be what I wanted to be and even still, I grew up to be the same exact type of mom, forcing my own GENIUS costume ideas over the head of my own kid. 

(Trick or treating likely isn’t going to happen this year but I am still arguing with him over what he should be.)

The girl in the back with the curly hair was REALLY into The Beatles and had a Christmas caroling party one year at her house. It was super wholesome. She’s one of the only people in these pictures that I never found on Facebook back when I used it so I have no idea if she is still a nice person or a MAGA dumbo.

Also, I was mad at Christy for literally just wearing that hat and saying she was Private Detective, so I guess I already had a little bit of Halloween Pageant Mom already brewing inside me. I remember being all, “YOU COULD HAVE TRIED HARDER, CHRISTY” because she was ult BFF back then so I felt supremely comfortable yelling at her about trivial things, whereas I was just acquaintances with some of the people who just rolled up in sweatshirts and orange socks so I didn’t shame them or anything.)

AHHHH PERM AND BRACES, MY BEST LEWK.

I don’t think this was the same party where I made everyone watch Paper House. That may have been the year before. 

My mom had her friend Karen be a fortune teller. I’m sure we all thought it was dumb at the time but now I’m like AW THAT WAS REALLY NICE OF KAREN TO DO THAT. Before the pandemic, I thought it would have been fun to let Chooch have a Halloween party this year since he started a new school, but obviously that can’t happen now and it sucks because he already has a Friend Group (I knew he’d make friends easier since everything is online right now!) so now I can’t force JANNA to dress up as a fortune teller, oh well, maybe next year. 

The Cats are Five.

 holidays
Oct 072020
 

I’m a few days late with this because blog apathy (lol j/k – life apathy) but my little furchilds has themselves a birthday on Sunday! They’re five now, those little old ass ladies!

Please enjoy some pictures of them eating their treats and playing with their new toys (some were more interested in the treats, others were more interested in the toys, lol).

But then I moved the treats out of the way and Penelope was like, “fine, I’ll play with this dumb thing.”

And then later, they actually hung out together on their cat tower, which happens rarely.

Guys, I’m in the middle of a bad work week. My brain hurts and I’m angry, and tonight’s debate will likely exacerbate the ire lava, but at least I’m off on Friday (although I’ll be spending the morning getting a deep cleaning at the periodontist, which I have been trying to get done since LAST SEPTEMBER but I couldn’t get a consultation until November, and then my insurance was all NOPE because it hadn’t been a full two years since my last (not great) one. By the time insurance finally approved it in January, the earliest appt I could get was April, but then…well, we all know the history of 2020.

I’m pretty nervous about this, from a pain AND covid-POV, but this guy is a specialist and I’m sure he wouldn’t be like, “OK great we’re back in business” if it wasn’t safe, right? RIGHT??

Sorry for that aside. Back to the cats. Happy birthday, you little fluffy psychos! Thanks for making the WFH experience a billion times less lonely except that now I’m going to be going to return to the office talking like a fucking cartoon, but that’s OK.

I wish my job was to just play with Drew and Penelope everyday. It’s the only thing I’m really great at, to be honest.

Goodbye.

 Older Entries