Jan 022008

This New Year’s Eve was very significant for me because it marked the first time that I got to spend it with my bestie,  Christina. Usually I end up calling her the next day, crying about how lame my night was. This time, we woke up the next morning and proceeded to laugh about how obnoxious we are. It was nice. We may not have had a party banquet, a free-flowing fountain of Patron, or pulsating club beats, but what we did have was all the makings for an evening of wildin’ out: a pig mask; a Thomas the Tank Engine flash light; a stock of Disaronno, Woodchuck and (cheap) champagne at our gluttonous fingertips; and an arsenal of bitter jabs at Tila Tequila.

Henry started off the festivities by going upstairs to take a nap, since he was running on a low tank of energy. By 10:30, I was a little annoyed and really wanted him to come downstairs because “things were about to get real krunk.” I believe those were my exact words. I turned the bedroom light on, and he promptly pulled the blanket over his face.

At this point, I did what any other rational human would: I invited the pig mask to hump my face and then proceeded to stand in the front yard, alternating between pairing a warrior-like fist thrust with a blood-curdling “Happy Oinkin’ New Year!” at passing cars and hurling stones and rolled-up newspapers at the bedroom window.

Suddenly the light went out and I found myself very troubled.

I assumed he had shut the light off and went back to bed, so I was a little surprised when I saw the front door slam shut. It didn’t take me long after that to deduce that he had locked us out. My incessant banging and yipping was enough to blackmail him into letting us back in. Because Henry is a grown-up, he spent a lot of time on the computer, channeling the patron saint of ear plugs and searching for his reserves of patience to mainline, while Christina and I acted like drunk fools in the living room. (And all over my block.) This is what he looked like, pretty much all night:

Leaving Henry to sulk at the computer, Christina and I cased the neighborhood, which unfortunately was not so much a hotbed of activity. Several cars passed but no one seemed to notice the piggy asshole gyrating on the sidelines. I even had a gang sign especially for the ocassion. It was just the universal fornication sign conveyed by sticking the forefinger of one hand into a circle made by the thumb and forefinger of the other hand. (Wait, which finger is the forefinger? Is that the same as the pointer?) Flashing that sign really added some punch to the rest of my routine. One car beeped and a woman walking down the street nervously turned her head and veered onto a side street.

At 11:59, I frantically pulled my hair back into a taut bun and stuffed the damn pig mask over my face again. Precisely at midnight, I flew out the front door, duly forgot that sound reverberates underneat the mask, and started shrieking “It’s two thousand fucking double quad ya’ll! Oink oink!” I insisted on saying “double quad” all night and there was a point where Christina was like, “Would you stop saying that?” and Henry echoed, “Yeah, please. That’s stupid.”

Christina dressed me up in her thuggish cash-love hat and we pretended like I was a Jersey Yo-Girl, right down to the streaks of orange across my face. She dropped Blue into my hands for the final touch, because how else do Jersey gangstas pop caps in asses, right?

 What’s that glaring red rectangle emblazoned across my ample bosom, you ask? Why that’s my Chiodos hoodie. See, all I wanted for Christmas was a Chiodos hoodie.

I’m always pretty specific with these things, yet no one listens. Just in case Christina and Henry might think I forgot what assholes they are for not making sure my torso was buffeted by an over-priced example of my fan-girl love for a band, I fashioned my own Chiodos hoodie with a little bit of ingenuity, Henry’s Everfresh hoodie and a piece of red cardstock. On Sunday, I used a blue sweatshirt and white paper, crudely ripped into a small box just large enough for me to scrawl ‘Chiodos’ with my Sharpie, but it wasn’t as eye-popping as the black one. Both days, I sported my makeshift hoodies with pride. Even though on Sunday my hoodie didn’t even have a hood.

Henry and Christina didn’t seem to feel very bad, though.

My favorite part was later on when Christina and I were on the porch having a smoke break. The mask had been long abandoned by this point (my breath causes condensation to drip down the insides of it and it’s really gross; really fucking gross) but my vocal chords were still begging to be used. (Seriously, you think I like being so mouthy all the time? I can’t control it.) I can only imagine how much my neighbors appreciate me. So there I was,  still very hyper and buzzed, running all around the yard, when I spied a car coming down the street. As a person who has always yearned to be part of a hit and run, I charged toward the street and started screaming and essentially shaking my body like a schizophrenic with a bit of a skin-crawling affliction.

The car effectively slowed down. Then the car stopped and I noticed it was a fucking taxi. Still a 12-year-old at heart, I laughed hysterically into my hands like I had just cold-called a crush and hung up, and rushed back into the house and left Christina to handle it. She stood out there, waving the cab on, and yelling, “No. No! No one needs a ride. NO! JUST GO! LEAVE!” Then I laughed in Henry’s shoulder about it for a few minutes while he desperately tried to shrug me off.

This New Year’s Eve was much better than the one back in 2003, when I completely flipped my shit at my mom’s house over a stupid game of Trivial Pursuit, lunged over the coffee table at Henry and called him a motherfucker, left all of my friends there while I drove home drunk, and then broke my phone into pieces when Henry called from my mom’s to lovingly tell his bi-polar girlfriend that all of her friends were pissed off at her for having another episode.

I hope all of you guys got to spend New Year’s Eve with your besties, too!

  22 Responses to “My Porky New Year’s Eve”

  1. I did! I did! I was in Philly with my best friend Claire & we went out to dinner & it cost $200 & we stumbled home (even though we weren’t drunk) & spent the rest of the evening alternating between ‘food coma’ and ‘stuffing our faces’. Also we watched Labyrinth. There were no pig masks, but oh my, was it ever an awesome evening nonetheless.

    Happy New Year, bub! Maybe this year we’ll actually hang out In Person!

    • That sounds like a perfect way to celebrate, Amelia! I’m glad you had an awesome evening:)

      We will definitely be bumping elbows this year, that’s a promise!

  2. Sounds like you had a great time : ) And that I might have shot you with a tranquilizer gun if I were there ; P Happy two thousand double quad!

  3. “Several cars passed but no one seemed to notice the piggy asshole gyrating on the sidelines.

    One car beeped and a woman walking down the street nervously turned her head and veered onto a side street.”

    My favorite lines.

    I highly approve of your evening, and the look on Henry’s face.

  4. “’things were about to get real krunk.’ I believe those were my exact words.”

    they were. weirdo.

    screw you tila tequila!!!
    you non-lesbian slutty little attention whore!!!!!!

    you’re so much fun. crazy, and sometimes problematic- but FUN!!!!!
    <3333 besties.

  5. Wow, much more exciting than my Monk marathon and shrimp cocktail and ice cream pigout (not together!)!!!!

    Seeing you holding things like Blue is more scary than your serial killer line of holiday greeting cards.

  6. “essentially shaking my body like a schizophrenic with a bit of a skin-crawling affliction.”

    that visual made me think of chooch.

  7. whoa…seriously more exciting than my new year’s, which was great, but not this maniacally fun! i was just happy to have gotten through another nye in atlanta without getting shot wither on purpose, or by a falling celebration bullet. i laughed SO many times while reading this post.

    that look on henry’s face is incredible…you caught that at just the right moment. priceless picture. i can feel the annoyance seething forth..

    and your homemade chiodos hoodie? i love you so much for that i would buy you one if i could.

    happy two thousand double quad!!

  8. i love that pig mask. you have no idea how much i sit here laughing like a retard when i think of it or see photos of it.

    and i also love patron, btw. that’s good stuff. and the photo of henry. *cracking up*
    we should totally hang out one day and harass people.

  9. It sounds like you had a blast!! My friends and I did, too. Yayyy!

  10. 649rwl8l0the8v5o

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