May 262024

As previously referenced, we spent last weekend at Cedar Point with Chooch and two of his friends – Zakk and Ben. It was Ben’s first time at CP and I’m sad to say it wasn’t the greatest inaugural experience because it was just a bad weekend to go, not that any weekend is great at Cedar Point, but this was one of the worst we’ve ever experienced. Sunday wasn’t TOO bad but Saturday was extremely crowded, like 2+ hour wait times for most of the coasters, and food lines not much better.

The vegan place is gone (I think it was actually taken out last year TBH), Melt is gone, the area that usually has a fleet of food trucks was barren. And one of the food trucks was my go-to because they had the BEST veggie burger, like it was actually homemade and full of nutritional goodness and not just a Beyond Burger out of the package. And on top of that, not all of the food places were open, making the lines extra line for the places that were open.

The one good thing about Saturday was that the weather was really mild and cool, actually kind of chilly at times. I never took my little jacket thing off all day.

Top Thrill 2 was closed indefinitely for maintenance after only a week of being open and I truly was not sad about that. I hate-hate-hated the OG and while I will give its reincarnation at least one try, I am not expecting to love it. I am a wuss with stratacoasters :( However!! The TT2 commemorative beer (I think on IG I called it TT2’s namesake beer which is like, reversed, but I didn’t care enough to go back and change it because who even cares about social media anymore – millions of content creators, I guess, LOL) and it was actually very good. I mean, it was a lemon shandy, so I’m sure my review would be a lot different if it was an IPA or whatever. But it was nice to relax on a bench across from the Ferris wheel and sip on this big boy instead of standing in a 2 hour long line for something – EVEN THE CAROUSEL HAD A HUGE-ASS LINE.

Cedar Lane Downs was a short wait. With the crowds being so bad (there were a TON of school bands there), we rode mostly flat rides all day (when we were riding anything at all, we mostly just walked around aimlessly and I kept saying I’M BORED THIS IS BORING like the brat that I am). I dunno what Chooch and his friends were doing. Waiting 2 hours to ride Maverick, I guess.

I *think* the only coaster we rode on Day 1 were Corkscrew (when we first arrived, the wait was 30 minutes which is about 29 minutes too much to wait for Corkscrew but it would end up being the shortest wait for a coaster all day and it was also somehow Henry’s first time riding it – we sat in the front and I kept saying, “This is less awful than I remembered it to be!” while Henry was screaming, “THIS SUCKS! OW MY BACK!” Lol.), Gatekeeper, and Wild Mouse.

It was just such a bad scene.


I LOVE CALYPSO so much so here are some photos of that – also the ride attendant’s shoe was untied and it was bothering me.

Yay. Calypso.

I wish Kennywood still had this ride! No one believes me when I saw that we used to have one there! BUT WE DID. In the 80s!

Honestly, the new-for-2023 Boardwalk area is the BEST part of Cedar Point IMO. I could spend all day here – and we almost did.

I love that they play lots of beach-y music in this section too! Like a lot of good 80s jams and some surf rock too. It’s a real magical spot and made me less hateful every time we were in the area.

Then we left the park for a bit and walked along the beach trail which is something I always wanted to do!!

Blankets of fog rolled in pretty consistently all day and obscured the tops of lots of rides, like Windseeker here (you will never catch me on these types of swings btw. NO THANK YOU.)

More beer! I couldn’t finish even half of this. It was just a Summer Shandy which I can handle (it was the first ‘beer’ I was able to fully drink thanks to the recommendation from one of my ex-bosses so I always think of her when I drink these which isn’t often) but I already had half of that other beer earlier and I just CANNOT drink that much. Still, it was fun sitting in this little cabana thing and watching all the crazy-asses playing on the beach when it was only about 60 degrees out.


The only other notable thing that happened was in line for Gatekeeper. It was close to an hour long wait, which, whatever, but what makes these waits even worse than they already are is when you have people wantonly linejumping, no shits to give, complete lack of self-consciousness. I could never in a million years imagine myself doing this.

Anyway, three kids – maybe 15 or 16? maybe younger? – were frantically summoning their friend SAM over to them. Of course these kids were several groups ahead of us so this affected me directly when SAM finally caved to peer pressure and cut under some empty switchbacks to join them, skipping over about 30 people in the process without most of them even noticing. I glared at all 4 of them for some time and they knew I was glaring so they purposely averted their gaze until I eventually lost interested.

Then a little while later, the boy who I imagine was the RINGLEADER left the line. I thought he found another group of friends further up where the line splits into two and you have to choose which side of the station you want to be on. He legit ducked under the queue rail and walked THROUGH THE LANDSCAPING toward that part of the line and I was like “WOW HE REALLY JUST SHAVED OFF ABOUT 45 MINUTES OF HIS WAIT TIME” and I was pretty pissed at the entitlement.

Well, it turned out he had actually left the line to go to the bathroom because he eventually came back and rejoined his friends. However, some total Karen busted him and started yelling about how she was going to call security (at first I thought she said his supervisor and I was like how does she know who is supervisor is, is this kid even old enough to have a job) and that SHE IS SICK OF IT. I made eye contact with her and said, “Yeah.” Then I started laughing because she looked the part FOR SURE but also looked like if one of my old bosses was on the verge of heat stroke (the one who first told me about Leinenkugel’s’ Summer Shandy way back in 2010 actually!) and this checks out because I could totally picture her calling security while in line for a roller coaster.

So then the kids got REALLY PARANOID and were like, nervously chuckling amongst each other but you could see the fear in their eyes.

20 or so minutes later, we had finally made it to the aforementioned “split” in the line. This is also where the Fast Lane merges with the regular lane, so there is always a line attendant there. Two young men in SECURITY attire came up the Fast Lane, said some words to the line attendant, right when THE KIDS were the next in line to continue on once the Fast Lane people were let through. The way these kids looked like they were shitting themselves was hilarious! But then security walked past them and  ventured into the bowels of the line, so I didn’t think anything of it.

Approx. 2 minutes later, we were now standing on the steps that lead up the station, the group of kids still ahead of us, when the security guys came BACK and summoned them out of the line! They must have found Heat Stroke Karen and I’m SURE she had a picture of the kids to show security in complete the full NARC circle.

So, the kids got pulled out line and they were all like, “he had to go to the bathroom!” and in the end, security made the bathroom kid leave the line but let the OTHER THREE BACK IN when SAM IS THE ONE WHO ACTUALLY LINE-JUMPED?!!? I felt fully invested in this since I had been in line with these dumbasses the whole time and actually, I can’t believe I’m saying this, FELT BAD for the kid who got ratted on because yes he fucking cut but he truly WAS in line from the beginning.

And also, WOW those three are shitty friends especially SAM the TRUE line jumper.

So that was something. Six Flags Great Adventure is the only other park where I actually saw people get called out by line attendants and thrown out of line. (Green Lantern specifically – there was a guy standing in the station watching the queue below and he would call linejumpers out over the speaker. It was amazing. I would BE SO GOOD AT THAT JOB!!)

Anyway, Henry and I got in line for Maverick at 7:30, 30 minutes before the park closed. OF FUCKING COURSE it broke down while we were in line, but while we were in it, we saw security escorting out a dad and his kid and then right after that, we came around a switchback and I saw HEAT STROKE KAREN – coincidence?!?!

Also, the kids from the Gatekeeper were in this line with us and HSK, which made me feel nostalgic in some weird way?! Then a bunch of grown-ass adults cut the whole entire line in order to join the rest of their family in front of us and I was so pissed. I think it actually is worse when ADULTS do this. Kids are fucking stupid and it’s not an excuse but their brains are underdeveloped and whatever, who cares, kids suck. But when you see FUCKING ADULTS doing this, like they are so goddamned entitled, it makes me more mad. I started mouthing off about them to Henry and they knew I was talking about them so they all avoided eye contact with me but unlike HSK, I’m not about to cause a scene because I have seen enough videos of actual brawls erupting over shit like this and I’m not trying to get a tooth knocked – or worse, being an unwitting star of a viral TikTok video where I guarantee I will look like the BAD GUY / KAREN, so like 99% of line-standers, I dealt with it.

Then Chooch texted because it was after 8 and the park was technically closed so he and his friends were waiting outside of the entrance for us. Henry and I left the line WITH PLEASURE. Maverick is actually so damn frustrating. Of all the times we’ve been to Cedar Point I think I have only ridden it twice. It breaks down constantly and just perpetually has a ridiculous line.

The day was super frustrating but how mad can you be when the park has views like this??

Afterward, we checked into that same weird-ass motel thing that we stayed at two years ago and then went to Dianna’s for a late dinner and dessert! I love this fucking crazy family restaurant. Part of the neon sign outside the door was broken and zapping perilously, so that was scary.

We walked inside and Ben breathed it in and said, “This is America.”

We sat at separate tables – Chooch and his friends got the same waitress we had the last time (I would never forget her!) and Henry and I had a waitress with a face tattoo. There was an old couple sitting across from us that were talking some straight nonsense – I guess the lady part of the couple works at Cedar Point because she was wearing an employee sweatshirt. She looked like if my coaster friend Pam was about 20 years older with a gray mullet.

A very interesting end to a strange day at Cedar Point. Oh and did I mention that Sandusky was in the throes of a mayfly infestation? It was so bad that the outside patio of the Grand Pavilion cafe in the boardwalk area was closed off because the tables were COVERED in them, literally like they were wearing tarps made of mayflies. It was so gross. This was definitely one of the worst days I’ve ever had at the park.


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